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Day 3 of Self Isolation... I'm bored
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And so are you! | 5,215 |
What will they call the inevitable surge of babies from quarantine in 9 months time? Coronitas. | 5,216 |
What do you call a healthcare worker that doesn’t self isolate after contracting COVID-19? A hippocritic oaf. | 5,217 |
Every morning, my neighbor gets on his tractor, and starts yelling, “The End is near!” I hate staying next to Farmer Geddon. | 5,218 |
An Asian goes to the doctors. Doctors tell them they have hepatitis C. So they go home and tell their parents the bad news. Dad looks at his son and says “I’m disappointed in you, I thought I told you that you should only get A’s” | 5,219 |
Why are there two D's in "Reddit?" The second one is a repost. | 5,220 |
So when everyone goes back to work What if no ones’s pants fit anymore? | 5,221 |
What does a catholic priest and 2nd place have in common? Both come in a little behind | 5,222 |
Where does a dog keep it's cellphone? In it's paw-cket. | 5,223 |
An elderly widow wanted to try love again... ...so she submitted a flyer to be posted in the personals section of the daily newspaper. The flyer read: "Elderly widow seeking man to find love with. Must not run around on me. Must not beat me. And must be good in bed"
Several days after the flyer was featured in the paper, the woman heard the doorbell for the front door of her house ring. She opened the door to answer and found a guy with no arms or legs perched on a wheelchair in front of the door. She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I am here in answer to your flyer featured in the paper a few days ago."
"Okay," responded the woman cautiously, "well, why do you think I would find love with you?"
The man responded," Well I have no legs so I can't run around on ya."
The woman nodded and said, "Okay."
"And I have no arms so I can't beat you," added the man.
The woman, curious, responded, "Well then, sir, tell me, are you good in bed?"
The man leaned forward towards the woman and responded, "Well, ma'am, how do you think I rang the doorbell?" | 5,224 |
Quarantine First day of isolation: - This covid thing even has its advantages: I don't go to the office to put up with my moron boss and I can sleep until later - I will take the opportunity to read those books I bought at the book fair in 1988 when I was dating my wife and took her there - to see if I disconnect a bit from the net and the book of faces and strengthen ties with the OH and the kids.
Second day of isolation: - my apartment is really cool and cozy - I have a 5 star family: my wife is sweet and the kids are cool - the neighbours are the best.
Third day of isolation: - kids wake up very early - my wife snores - I really loved the breakfast she made but I didn't really understood what she meant by "this is not a hotel" - the neighbors are a little strange.
Fourth day isolation: - the stupid kids already took two slaps each, they are two terrorists - the girl has also started to talk shit - I went to take out the trash, someone had disinfected the elevator with bleach. I pressed the buttons with the my stumps.
Fifth day of isolation: - kill me - I'd rather catch the virus than to be in this hell - there's no more booz, suicide seems the best solution - the witch won't let go - I suspect the kids are not mine - the upstairs neighbours didn't give me a roll of toilet paper, scrooges.
Tenth day of isolation: - alcohol and tobacco deprivation makes me hallucinate - my wife and I are much better since she barricaded herself in the bedroom - I gave the kids for adoption - the neighbors are a bunch of motherfuckes. | 5,225 |
I dont get the jokes about pumped up kicks They must be aimed at younger audiences | 5,226 |
NSFW Going to work | 5,227 |
Want to hear a joke about toilet paper? Never mind you’ll probably never get it, the punchLINE is too long. | 5,228 |
Turkish hell A man dies and goes to the hell. He sees there is hells for each country. He first goes to the german one and asks the procedure. Devil says electric chair for 1 hour , bed with nails for 1 hour , whipping for the rest of the day. Then he visits the french hell and the devil says the same. Then he visits the turkish hell where he sees there is a long queue to enter there and asks the difference. Devil says same but electricity is usually out so electiric chair doesn't work , nails were paid but they haven't came yet so there is no nails on the beds and as the turkish devil was a state official , he comes , signs the document , drinks his tea and goes without whipping. | 5,229 |
You know how I know the markets are bad? I saw that Cardi B was forced to dance again. | 5,230 |
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets it. And don’t say this is a repost because it’s our joke. | 5,231 |
Yo Momma joke in 2020.. Yo momma’s a Whoarder | 5,232 |
The first case for COVID-19 has been confirmed in Russia The patients name is Ivor Chestikov | 5,233 |
In the last decade we've been obsessed with social influencers. Now in 2020 people won't stop talking about this anti-social influenza. | 5,234 |
There’s a loquat tree in our backyard. We can’t reach all of them We call those highquats | 5,235 |
Two bros were chatting it up at the gym between sets. 1: hey bro, you won’t believe it.
2: what, bro?
1: someone stole all my protein powder
2: no whey! | 5,236 |
I met a girl at the bar last night (City had enough sense to wait until after St Patrick's day to shut them down) anyhow one drink lead to another and one thing lead to another. This morning I woke up with a sore throat and a cough. I went to the doctor to get tested, fearing the worst. Fortunately, it was only AIDS. | 5,237 |
Did you hear about the explosives expert that got a job? I heard he bombed the interview | 5,238 |
I just baked a loaf of bread and it came out weird Guess I gave it special kneads | 5,239 |
Why do geese fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk! | 5,240 |
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball ..ssss | 5,241 |
People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes damn, i always mix up their and they're | 5,242 |
In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state. All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country. | 5,243 |
An all inclusive ethnic joke...
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, some Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a Irish restaurant ...
"I'm sorry," said the manager, as he scrutinized the group one by one, and then barred their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai." | 5,244 |
My disabled friend told me a joke. It wasn’t funny, I guess he’s not a stand up comedian | 5,245 |
With everyone quarantined and staying inside, there is no one out to spy on or follow around... The stalk market is very weak. | 5,246 |
A man to woman transsexual is a bona fide woman A woman to man transsexual is a bonerfied woman | 5,247 |
A Young Child Walks Into a Barn Where He Meets an Old Farmer Kid: Do you have any corn?
Farmer: Why yes I do!
As the farmer turns around, the kid notices a chicken.
Being the son of a Redditor the kid tells the farmer;
NICE COCK BRO! | 5,248 |
Warning: Dad Joke - Friend of mine wanted to make a Corona meme I told him if it was good enough, it might go viral... | 5,249 |
What did the Black death say to Coronavirus? Well Plagued! | 5,250 |
News: Doctors recommend Pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients And all other foods that can fit under the door. | 5,251 |
Riddle me this: There are 29 students at the beginning of the year. Nine students leave. How many pupils are ;eft in the class? 40 because there is one pupil per eye. | 5,252 |
Mike Tyson, Muhammad Ali and George Foreman sit down at a bar. That's the punch line. | 5,253 |
Why did Microsoft close all their stores? They got tired of wiping down the surfaces. | 5,254 |
Aliens came down to Earth, One Alien to another: “Yeah they’re all dead, but have you seen how clean there asses are?” | 5,255 |
What would IKEA be called if it was created by someone in the Soviet Union? WEKEA | 5,256 |
What starts with T, ends in T and has T in it ? Teapot | 5,257 |
If they close grocery stores because of corona virus... ...we will need to start hunting again, and I don't even know where burgers live. | 5,258 |
I'm so paranoid I took my temperature It said I had a fever of 315!!!!!!!!!!
Then I realized the thermometer was on Kelvin.... | 5,260 |
A man walks up to the check out at a grocery store, but there is no one working the register. Desperate, the man asks the money in the register for help.
“Hey money, can you open up the register for me?” the man asks.
“Sorry, I can’t hear you,” the money responds. “There’s no cash-ear.” | 5,261 |
I finally lost it with the hoarding! Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper.
I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself.
He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves...” | 5,262 |
I put Truck Nuts on my fleet of Volkswagen Beetles And now I have genital Herbies. | 5,263 |
After working over 10 hours with no break, I was excited to see catering had made Vietnamese food. But I didn't have time to get any because there was a huge line. Well that felt like a big "pho queue". | 5,264 |
One thing is clear... One things is clear, unbridled masturbation doesn't stop the Corona Virus. | 5,265 |
An Anagram for "Covid Self Quarantine is........ "Advance Finest Liquor". A great suggestion, count me in! | 5,266 |
Author Joe Hill didn't want anybody to know he was Stephen King's son because he was afraid he wouldn't be taken seriously. Otherwise, he would be Joe King. | 5,267 |
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down. | 5,268 |
My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife. | 5,269 |
A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes My dogs don't even own bikes | 5,270 |
Did you know that 77% of the world is stupid? Luckily I'm the other 33%. | 5,271 |
Hey, what do you call a group of transvestite women? Ex-Men | 5,272 |
COVID-19 - It’s in the game If you think COVID-19 is bad, you’ll be terrified to hear that EA Sports have bought the rights to COVID-20.
Surviving, vaccine and toilet paper are chargeable DLC packs - with Pay-to-Live (PTL) packs available from Season 2 onwards. | 5,273 |
My wife got really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. | 5,274 |
You know what makes me throw up? A dart board on the ceiling. | 5,275 |
My mom spanked me as a child. I was always getting into trouble. Either I was smoking some weed or I was fighting with my brother.
Honestly, I don’t remember why we started fighting. But, for this occasion, we were playfully fighting and then I punched him a little too hard. Slowly each punch had increasing strength. We threw about twenty at each other. Then I tackled him to the ground and held him down with my fist. I usually stopped when I heard crying. My mom ran in and tried to figure out what happened. She was too late. It was over. Now I am just standing above my brother and he is crying on the ground. As the victor, I got punished.
So my mom grabbed her wooden spoon from the kitchen to spank me. She made me pull down my pants and lay on her lap with my head and feet sprawling over. After the first hit, I started chuckling. So the second hit came even harder making me laugh. On the third hit, you crack. The spoon splintered in the middle. She decided to stop because she was afraid she actually hurt me. But I just laughed at her face. I did have some welts from it but my butt is so bony so it already hurts to sit on it.
Now I like rough sex. | 5,276 |
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy. I just don't see it. | 5,277 |
I have learned a new metric of flexibility. Let us set the setting. I am fourteen years old and I am in the upstairs bathroom of my parent's apartment. To give reference I just learned about masturbation. So I have been masturbating about every day for a year. Around this time you start exploring other things you can do to jack yourself off.
I would switch to my left hand because it felt like someone else was touching my dick. But I quickly learned that I did like to know that I was touching my dick and having the same grip strength I had been tuning for the past year with my right hand. I got good at jerking myself off.
I had to try jacking off with my left hand to start to enjoy it. But the problem was I could only enjoy my left hand or my right hand in one session. I couldn’t switch hands during a session because it didn’t feel right. But, not even that I would have to retrain each hand over several times to enjoy it again. Many times leaving me blue.
But, knowing that I am the one jacking off myself I start to think about what other parts of my body I could use. So sitting buck naked on the toilet I checked if my mouth could reach my tip. Part of my dick was very easy to reach because it got a little with stretch then the rest of them. But that is not what I wanted. With a little readjustment of my body, I was able to get my mouth over the tip and get a few inches deep. I can confirm you aren’t missing much.
It just feels like there is something wet in your mouth. But not sure if your mouth is wet or your dick is wet. I only tried it a few times, never enjoying it. But it gave me a benchmark of how a blow job would feel.
My first girlfriend was definitely on par. | 5,278 |
Comic Sans walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your type!" | 5,279 |
Why was the iPhone wearing glasses? It lost all its contacts.
​
​
Part of my WFH agreement is that I have to check in with my Director (I'm IT PM) every day, so rather than just saying "morning - I'm on!" I am sending her a silly IT joke :D Any good suggestions? | 5,280 |
News Flash........... News Flash. Isis suicide bomber kills himself & 78 other family members after deciding to work from home. | 5,281 |
Girlfriend: “You gave me Coronavirus!” Me: Just to be clear, it’s not herpes right? | 5,282 |
Two explorers discover two adjacent islands, both inhabited by indigenous tribes... They want to be the first to contact these tribes, learn their language, and report their findings as soon as possible. To help speed things up, they decide to split up to an island each, learn the languages of each tribe, and meet back up later to discuss findings.
After a couple weeks, one explorer visits the other. The second explorer exclaims that he's made great progress and found an interesting discovery. He brings the first explorer to the tribe, gets the tribesmen's attention, and points to a rock. The tribesmen say in unison, "Umbalo-gong!" The explorer then points to a tree, and again the tribesman say, "Umbalo-gong!"
"You see?" The explorer excitedly tells his colleague, "these villagers have the same word for 'rock' as they do for 'tree!' Isn't that incredible?"
"What's even *more* incredible," his colleague replies, "is that on my island, the villagers use the exact same word for 'index finger!'" | 5,283 |
A monk was checking his emails. A woman saw this and looked at him weirdly,
Soon she approached him and asked
"is it okay for monks to use emails?"
The monk said "Ofcourse its okay for Monks to use Emails,
As long as there are no attachments" | 5,284 |
I’m hosting a charity event for men struggling to ejaculate let me know if you can’t come | 5,285 |
I just wanted to share some exciting news! Today I was the unexpected high bidder in an auction for the worlds best sounding pigeon... It is quite a coup! | 5,286 |
A man walks into a bar... Remember when that wasn't a fantasy? | 5,287 |
I don't see how deaf people dont join gangs. They'd be good at the gang signs | 5,288 |
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu? Because she was thicc | 5,289 |
Where do Astronauts get drunk? At home, like everyone should be right now. | 5,290 |
My grandfather said: if one door is closing - another will be open Wise man, but terrible cupboard-maker | 5,291 |
Boredom With all the quarantining and no sports on TV, I decided to try to catch up on some reading. Everyone has been talking about the novel Coronavirus, but I can’t find a copy of it anywhere. Books a million lady even seemed a little pissed that that I asked if she had it. Tough times. | 5,292 |
Chinese virus, African swine fever, Spanish flu, German measles, Japanese brain fever. After hearing this which county lose their shit? Australia, or why do they need so much toilet paper? | 5,293 |
How do you end school shootings? Release a virus. | 5,294 |
They said coronavirus won't last long because it was made in China Well, they really worked hard on this one. | 5,295 |
People which are buying toilet paper for months are optimists They are thinking that they will have what to eat | 5,296 |
I just had dinner out with some guys from Jersey Shore, despite the advice to practice social distancing When the bill came, and I grabbed my wallet, one of the guys told me:
"Don't worry, I've got ya Covid" | 5,297 |
My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool. I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty". | 5,298 |
Social distancing... ...is the new reason why women tell me to get away. At least I’m not a creep anymore! | 5,299 |
Johnny [NSFW] A guy was watching the game. His wife storms the room and starts yelling at him how he had to go to the butcher’s to get some meat cuts.
Swearing through his teeth, the guy goes to the butcher. On the way there he hears a couple older ladies talking with a lot of grief in their voice how “Johnny” died so young.
As he walks past a bus stop he hears two teenagers crying and saying that Johnny should have never died.
He walks past a 40 year something sobbing and mumbling something about Johnny.
As he is starring at the meat display case at the Butcher shop he sees a huge dick on a side.
His first reaction is disgust yet he asks the butcher what the story is with the thing.
The butcher explains how Johnny died and because he owed him a hundred bucks left through his will, his dick to pay off his debt.
So the guy feels bad for the butcher and wants to get revenge for being interrupted from watching the game. So he buys it and heads home.
As he is sitting on the couch, he hears his wife taking the groceries out of the bag. “You dumbass, I did not ask for salami!”
And a couple seconds later:
“No, not Johnny!!!” | 5,300 |
Maybe we shouldn’t be eating those little flat breads during communion ... since they haven’t risen yet. | 5,301 |
Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant. The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."
But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."
So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.
"Sorry," says the owner, "no pets allowed."
"But this is my seeing-eye dog," the guy with the Dalmatian says.
"A Dalmatian?"
"Yes, they're using them now."
The owner says, "Very well, then, come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
"But this is my seeing-eye dog," says the second guy.
"A Chihuahua?" asks the incredulous owner.
"A Chihuahua?!" says the man in the dark glasses. "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
**EDIT: To have made someone laugh, is probably the greatest feeling (okay, let's just say it's pretty awesome; ONE of the greatest feelings there is) as I'm sure Robin woulda agreed to, so--thank you one and all for appreciating the joke so much--I did too, which is the reason I chose to post it and share; thought we could all have a good laugh right about now with all the Coronavirus shit going on... hope all of you guys are well, and staying safe out there... and a special mention to my benefactors (i'll try and find out who you guys are and hopefully record your names): thank you very much for the glitter; looks amazing!** | 5,302 |
Q: How do you reuse a condom? A: Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it. | 5,303 |
Have you heard this one? A cold winter Sunday, an old lady is walking into the church and sees two kids with their pants down, sitting in the snow. The lady asks, " Why are you doing that?"
One replies," Oh, the priest likes a couple of cold ones after the sermon" | 5,304 |
Being in quarantine hasn't really affected me. But I do think it's strange that in one box of rice there were 6839 rice kernels and in another it was 6723. | 5,305 |
What do you call a crazy astronaut? Astronut | 5,306 |
With so many people home from work and school and unable to use the gym... Nobody will be gaining the Freshman 15, but most of us will gain the Covid 19 | 5,307 |
It’s a shame coronavirus affects the infirm and elderly most If it affected idiocy instead there’d be a lot more toilet paper available | 5,308 |
You're a super lover! Simply unsurpassed in bed! We meet only for 2 weeks, and I'm already in the third month of pregnancy! | 5,309 |
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. | 5,310 |
A short survey When the quarantine ends you will:
A) gain 20 kg
B) become pregnant
C) become an alcoholic | 5,311 |
Weird guy on a bus stop Weird guy on a bus stop keeps kissing every bus he can find. Going from one bus to another, he caresses them gently and sweet talks them while people keep staring. He doesn't care and keeps doing it.
One of the fresh bystanders realises that it's actually a good friend of his so he quickly runs over and asks him through his teeth: "John, what the hell are you doing? People already think you're weird and now this?"
John replies: "Shut up, one of them ran over my wife, and I don't know which one!" | 5,312 |
How to protect against Corona Virus 1. Treat any and all Alements.
2. Stay away from Draughts.
3. Keep your Pilsner your bed.
You will get Bitter soon! | 5,313 |
A guy desperately wants to meet the pope. A guy desperately wants to meet the pope. He travels to the Vatican and stands in the plaza waiting for the pope to appear. The pope walks right past him. Disappointed, he thinks 'I have to stand out! I have to look good so the pope sees me!' He goes to the finest tailor in Italy and gets the works. The suit, shoes, watch, etc. The next day he goes to the plaza. The pope walks right past him. Saddened, he realizes that a lot of people are dressed up just like him so he thinks 'Tomorrow I'll stand next to a bum so the contrast is obvious! He takes his position next to the bum when the pope walks out and the pope starts walking toward him but instead of greeting the man, the pope whispers into the bums ear.
Damn! he thinks, of course! It's the pope! I'm not going to impress him with fancy clothes! The next morning, he finds the bum and offers to trade clothes. He gives the bum all his expensive finery for the bums rags. He goes to the plaza and to ensure his plan will work he stands next to the dressed-up bum. The pope emerges and sees the two out of the corner of his eye and walks toward them. The man is elated as the pope bends toward his ear and whispers 'I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here'. | 5,314 |
I thought about going to my Doctor's office And loudly proclaiming I have it... waiting until they freak out and the hold up a Pennywise figurine... | 5,315 |
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