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What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people
A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people | 5,316 |
A college guy works for a farmer bailing hay over the summer... Farmer: “You’ve done a great job working for me this summer. I want to throw you a party before you go back to college. Hope you like to drink.”
College Guy: “Oh yeah! Being in college, I’ve learned how to throw a few back.”
Farmer: “There probably will be some fighting.”
College guy: “No problem by me. Bailing hay this summer has made me strong. I will hold my own.”
Farmer: Good! There is going to be a lot fucking too.
College Guy: “Hell yeah! I haven’t been around any women this summer because of work. What Should I wear?”
Farmer: “I don’t give a shit! It’s just going to be you and me!” | 5,317 |
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest. He'll be happy to help you beat it. | 5,318 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it doesn't want to cross John Wick! | 5,319 |
I wondered why the truck was getting bigger Then it hit me | 5,320 |
[husband mopping blood off the floor] **Wife:** OMG!
**Husband:** honey, I can explain...
**Wife:** you're cleaning! | 5,321 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? To socially distance themselves. | 5,322 |
Looking around the shops and with all this bulk buying, wooden pellet cat litter is like rocking horse shit... | 5,323 |
TRUMP IS NOT MY PRESIDENT! Because I live in Pakistan. | 5,324 |
How do you know Joe Biden is a neoliberal? He's always talking about his one black friend. | 5,325 |
Low-key hoping covid-19 death rate to go down to 3.6% So I can finally tweet, "Not great, not terrible"
*smirks in dyatlov style* | 5,326 |
Usual dad joke I saw my father leaving the house while in quarantine so I asked him what's going on. He says there's a disease in the house so I asked if some one was infected. He laughed and said it was even worse than corona it's my wife | 5,327 |
If you are ever bored, shoot the judge! What is he gonna do? Convict you of 2nd degree murder? Exactly. | 5,328 |
A man from Alabama opened his fridge... He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:
"Honey! We're out of bread!"
The wife came into the room with a new loaf.
"Don't worry," she said. "We're in bread." | 5,329 |
Redneck goes to the doctor Doctor: Bubba, you have AIDS
Bubba: Nowadays you can't even trust your own mother | 5,330 |
2020 The year getting your house TP'd raised it's value. | 5,331 |
Would like to nominate Greta Thunberg to /r/Jokes moderator To promote the spirit of recycling our material daily
(feel free to recycle and reuse this as Greta would want you to) | 5,332 |
2020 It has been a joke so far. | 5,333 |
I'm not overweight I just have self-imposed giganticism. | 5,334 |
I asked my wife what size freezer we should buy. She responded, "How tall are you?" | 5,335 |
I used to be really good at flash mobs But then my 5 year old stopped inviting me to her dance rehearsals. | 5,336 |
I think i have Coronavirus Because Im sick of it | 5,337 |
Two cows were discussing the Mad cow disease outbreak. 'it could affect us cows badly.' says the first cow.
'Im not a cow,' says the second cow, ' I'm a helicopter.' | 5,338 |
Since we’ve all started washing our hands... ...next week we will begin shapes and colors. | 5,339 |
What's a pregnant woman for a cannibal? Kinder Surprise | 5,340 |
Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously. Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the produce section. | 5,341 |
Bf took me to get undies and he wanted to embarass me and he said real loud "I can't wait to rip these off with my teeth" then I replied with : "seriously you need to stop, you're my brother." And i won. | 5,342 |
What does Coors beer and having sex in a canoe have in common? They're both fucking close to water. | 5,343 |
How was the first Coronavirus case like baseball? A guy tossed his bat. Then he had the runs. Now he's gotta go home and stay. | 5,344 |
Two bros, chillin in a hot tub... ...five feet apart cuz they're ~~not gay~~ respecting the personal space requirements of the coronavirus and will actually increase their distance to the recommended 6 feet.
^((they're also not gay, but that's neither here nor there)^) | 5,345 |
A woman goes to a pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms. The man says, “Yes, would you like to buy some?” The woman replies, “No, but do you mind if I wait until someone does?” | 5,346 |
Farmer A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property. The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: He'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for free.
The farmer ties the buyer up and leaves. He comes back an hour later and finds the buyer nearly unconscious. The farmer asks, "Are you all right?"
The buyer replies,
Doesn't that calf have a mother?" | 5,347 |
A young child hit me with a "Ok Boomer" So I hit him with my car. | 5,348 |
I called 911 and told them I was out of toilet paper. "Are you out of your mind?" asked the operator. "You've got to understand, lady." I responded. "I'm the manufacturer." | 5,349 |
Damn. Nokia really does create high quality products. They do everything from start to finnish | 5,350 |
Old Willard died and showed up at the Pearly Gates. Old Willard had been an exemplary Christian; kind, generous, and a pillar of the church. His one flaw, which his many friends endured with wry good humor, was his filthy mouth.
Upon arrival before St Peter, Willard was in his usual form. "Fuck, you're fuckin' St. Peter! Fuck yo' motha! And these are the motha-fuckin' Pearly Gates! FUCK yo' motha!"
St. Peter examined his book carefully. "Well, you're fully qualified for entry. There's just one problem."
"Motha FUCK! What the fuck is that, motha-fucka?"
"Well, you see, all new arrivals are personally welcomed by Jesus..." | 5,351 |
The scientists who discovered the Coronavirus... do you know why they decided to call it the "novel" Coronavirus? ... because they were desperate to get their work published soon and wanted to sail through the peer review process. | 5,352 |
Why did Coronavirus force Microsoft to close their stores? Research suggests it can live for three days on surfaces. | 5,353 |
Grocery runs, social distancing, isolations, quarantines... Everybody is Kung-Flu Fighting | 5,354 |
A girl runs home and tell her mother: "Mommy, mommy! Little Johnny paid me 5 bucks for me to climb a tree!
The mother says:
\-Oh sweety, he only wanted to see your panties under your skirt...
"Yes mom, I know! That's why I took them off before climbing!" | 5,355 |
A young Englishman invites his mother to dinner. During the dinner his mother catches a whiff of sexual tension between her son and his housekeeper. She quizzes her son, but he insists there’s nothing between them.
As she’s cleaning up, the housekeeper notices the silver gravy ladle has gone missing. They both search but can’t find it. After several days, the Englishman phones his mother.
“Dear Mother, I’m not accusing you of taking my silver gravy ladle, but it hasn’t been seen since our dinner and we’ve had no other visitors. I’m wondering if you might know where it is.”
“Dear Son, I’m not accusing you of improprieties with your housekeeper, but if she were sleeping in her own bed she would’ve found the gravy ladle by now.” | 5,356 |
401K Retirement Plan In the last week my 401K turned into 401C. | 5,357 |
[NSFW] Do you know why they call it COVID-19? Because it had to be over 18 to fuck us over this hard | 5,358 |
Where do fat bees live? A bee city | 5,359 |
An Englishman gets a job at a French restaurant... "...halo and welcome! Before y'begin work 'ere, you must be aware of corona," says his boss, pointing at a poster of it. "It is an infectant disease dat spreads easily so all must have dissinfectant." "Understood. I'll make sure so!" the Englishman declares.
But then later the new employee disappears and none of his collegues are able to find him! Months later he finally shows up again. "Wat happened to you?!" gasps the boss. The Englishman points at the corona poster. "I did what you said, made sure everybody got this infectant!" | 5,360 |
A Man Walks into a Bar You really believed he walked into a bar? All the bars are closed. | 5,361 |
I never let my wife buy gas She's smoking hot and that's a fire hazard. | 5,362 |
If this keeps up and all creatives are out of work in the next few months there will be a shortage of wild collected, hand crafted, artisanal bindle sticks. | 5,363 |
GenXer's, Millennials, Baby Boomers **Quarenteens!** | 5,364 |
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Dip it in gasoline, light a match. \*WOOF\*.
​
Bonus: How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
Freeze it for a week, take it to a band-saw. \*MMMMEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW\* | 5,365 |
This virus is really impeding my dating life. I haven't been on a date in over a year. | 5,366 |
This is a longer one, An old Chinese man with cataracts went to go get a suit The Chinese man walks in “herro my rittle wife died and I need to get measured for the funeral” he said “where’s the body” the man behind the counter said “what?” The Chinese man exclaimed “where’s you wife’s body” the man behind the counter asked again “I what a suit isn’t this a tairer ” said the Chinese man then the man behind the counter says “sir we make coffins here” | 5,367 |
Why doesn't Kathleen Kennedy buy toilet paper? She already wipes her ass with the Star Wars franchise. | 5,368 |
A old Chinese man had trouble seeing so he went to eye doctor When the doctor came back with the results he said “sir you have cataracts” the Chinese man replied “No I drive rincon town car” | 5,369 |
Doctor to me - we're going to have to amputate your foot Me (high AF in morphine) - ok. Cool.
Doctor to nurse - mark him to so he has nine inches below his knee.
Me - You said you were going to amputate my foot.
Doctor (sounding annoyed) -we're about to amputate your foot and you're making dick jokes?
Me - will crying bring it back? | 5,370 |
If you're worried about COVID-19 Wait until you see what COVID-20 can do | 5,371 |
What's the difference between the moon and the female g spot We have videos to prove that men have been to the moon | 5,372 |
I bet suicide rates are way down right now It’s way too interesting of a time to not wanna see how it turns out | 5,373 |
Finland have just closed their borders.... Which means no one can cross the finish line. | 5,374 |
What do kids toys and the coronavirus have in common? Made in China. | 5,375 |
What's the big deal with this Corona thing? Like I've had three cases already and I feel fine. | 5,376 |
I'm heavily invested in a depreciating asset and it feels like I'm just flushing my stock away Does anyone know where I can find more toilet paper? | 5,377 |
Feel free to live it up a little while trapped inside this week. What happens in quarantine stays in quarantine. | 5,378 |
I left my girlfriend after walking in on her masturbating with a Planter's jar. She was fucking nuts. | 5,379 |
My dad called. He said he's coming back home after all this years. The Boomer Rang | 5,380 |
Two shits I can only not give one shit about something now. Thanks coronavirus and toilet paper shortage. | 5,381 |
What do you call a group of depressed virgins Redditors | 5,382 |
The F in Communism stands for food ​
​
But let's be honest, Communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it | 5,383 |
Watson seemed lethargic. Holmes asked him what was the matter.
John said he hadn't gotten a good night's sleep. At first he was too cold, so he pulled up his heavy blanket. After a while, he got too warm, so he threw the blanket off. This cycle had continued throughout the night, and he had tossed and turned.
Sherlock proclaimed he should have used a lighter bed covering.
Watson replied: "No sheet, Sherlock!" | 5,384 |
So a Bear walks into a bar... The bear says "I'll take a large rum...
​
​
​
​
​
and a coke."
The bartender says "Hey man, why the big paws?" | 5,385 |
For the last couple of weeks i've been unable to stop singing songs by Tony Bennet, Nat king Cole, Perry Como and Bing crosby. After a while it all got too much so I went to see my doctor. Apparently i have crooner virus! | 5,386 |
Scientists have bio-engineered maize that gives people stomach aches When will they learn that their actions have corn sequences!? | 5,387 |
I like to think my dad drank himself to death before he drowned | 5,388 |
How can you tell if your toilet's been running? It's flushed | 5,389 |
America is having such bad lucky recently like it’s cursed! It’s almost as if it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something... | 5,390 |
Who knew that the year after 2019 will be Quarantine! | 5,391 |
2020 Seems like it was written by someone in 4th grade . World war three almost started and there was a big virus and everyone was scared and people died and we got let out of school for a like month and the world ran out of toilet paper and we had to stay home and it snowed. The End | 5,392 |
My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet. My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.
Turns out, all it was, was a big waste of my thyme. | 5,393 |
New Pick Up-Line Me: "Hey baby! Got and COVID-19 in you?"
Her: "No."
Me: "Would you like some?" | 5,394 |
My girlfriend is in wheelchair But I want to take the next step in our relationship | 5,395 |
My wife, she's such a snob! She got Covid 20 | 5,396 |
The first animal to be mechanically milked must have been pumped I know its an old joke, and I'm milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny. | 5,397 |
Do you know what a police officer says while getting divorced FBI, breaking up | 5,398 |
Got a new neighbor... I see the new neighbor and ask, “Hey neighbor, what’ya do for a livin’?”
The neighbor says “Well, I’m a professor of Logic down at the University of Science.” I asked “What’s that?!” The neighbor goes, “Ya know..it’s hard for me to explain, it would be easier if I just showed you what I do!”
The neighbor goes on, “Well, do you have a dog house?” I reply, “I-I do.” Neighbor says “Well then you must have a dog, logically.”
“I do have a dog!”
“ALRIGHT! Well if you have a dog, I can logically assume you have a child, do you have a child?”
“I DO HAVE A CHILD!”
“Well, if you have a child, logically I can assume you are married to a woman, are you married to a woman?!”
“I AM!!”
He goes, “WELL, then logically, I can assume you are a straight white male.”
I go “WOW, that’s amazing!”
So the next day I’m at the bus stop and sees another one of his neighbors, and the neighbor asks, “So did you meet the new neighbor?”
I go, “Yea, I did.” So the guy asks “What does he do for a living?”
“Well actually, he’s a professor of Logic down at the University of Science.”
He goes, “What is that?!”
“Well it’s hard for me to explain, it would just be easier
if I showed you.”
He goes “Yea?”,
I go “Yea. Hey, do you have a dog house?”
He says, “No.”
“Well, then you must be a faggot.” | 5,399 |
NEVER ALL AT ONCE
**A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.**
**“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.**
**“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.**
**“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”**
**“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.**
**“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.**
**Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”** | 5,400 |
The stock market crashed and the bars are closed this sure feels like the 20s
​
​
(from r/showerthoughts) | 5,401 |
smart move
**guy: Hey Princess, do you remember me?**
**girl: Wrong number.**
**guy: What’s your number then?** | 5,402 |
How do you tell the gender of an ant? Throw it in water.
If it sinks, it's female. If it floats, it's buoyant. | 5,403 |
If sanitizers kill CoronaVirus why dont we eat it ? Because there will still be 0.01% of coronavirus left | 5,404 |
A homeless man with poor clothing is walking one day when he sees a church is having a service so he goes inside. When he gets inside a person walks up to him looks at his clothes and tells him to leave. The man goes and sits outside and has a small cry when a voice behind him says "whats wrong"?. When he explains what has happened the voice replies don't worry my son my name is god and I have been trying to get into that place for years | 5,405 |
If couples are called lovebirds, Couples that argue should be called angry birds. | 5,406 |
Dave during the outbreak ​
It has been two weeks since Dave has been at home due to the Virus outbreak. He being a photographer spends his time clicking pictures of whatever he can indoors.
After a few days, Dave gets a call in the morning saying, there is some good news. Dave raises his eyebrows with a somewhat confused face. The caller on the other line says that he has won the best amateur indoor photography award and they have asked him to give an interview the next day in the morning.
The following day, the interviewer asks him, “ The pictures are so beautiful. What is the secret mantra of your photography?”
To which Dave chuckles and says “ I am pretty good at **Iso**lation" | 5,407 |
The dining room in bars and restaurants are closed cuz of the virus The drive thru bar is born | 5,408 |
Anakin Skywalker ? more like Analkin PussyWalker ya dumb dumb yyyhugh | 5,409 |
What do you say if a dude asks if you want a pamphlet? Brochure | 5,410 |
why do chineese people not believe in santa clause? because they make the toys | 5,411 |
Don't worry about all the deaths from Coronavirus All those that die will be replaced with more to spare.
\#WorkFromHome | 5,412 |
Cocaine It always cracks me up | 5,413 |
Communism copes better with the coronavirus outbreak than capitalism all citizens are getting equally nothing of essential supplies | 5,414 |
Yo mama so old Her last is osaurus | 5,415 |
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