text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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Why is it a bad idea to snort cocaine out of someone's butthole? It's been tainted | 574,648 |
An engineer went hunting... And found a set of tracks. He bent down to take a closer look and was run over by a train. | 574,649 |
Harley and Vaseline (I know...old as dirt, but...) Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a huge orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the Large jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts,
I'll DO the bloody dishes!!
| 574,650 |
Camouflage Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant.
The pirate captain replied, "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants." | 574,651 |
What do you call the angel in charge of hydroelectrics? A God dam engineer. | 574,652 |
You've been buying too many brake pads recently and it's a problem. "No it isn't! I can stop whenever I want!" | 574,653 |
What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor | 574,654 |
[NSFW] A man has a pet duck... The man tries to take his duck to go watch a movie
However, the theatre attendants forbid the man from taking his pet duck inside the cinema.
The man does not get discoraged and decides to sneak in his duck by placing it in his pants.
He successfully makes it inside the cinema with his duck and sits besides two women.
The man then remembers that the duck has to breathe and so he pulls down his pant's zipper so the duck may breathe .
Once the movie starts one of the women besides the man tells the other woman, "That man's *thing* is showing..."
To this the other woman replies , "What's the matter? Have you not seen one before?"
The other woman answered, "Yes, but this one is eating my popcorn!" | 574,655 |
Where does okra come from? Okrahoma.....lol should probably be in dadjokes but oh well. | 574,656 |
Why are black people tall? Because their knee grows! | 574,657 |
I made a song... in the tuna fish
| 574,658 |
Decided to announce that I'm gay today after being relieved of my constipation. It felt so good coming out. | 574,660 |
Why did the dick go to 7-11? To get a Slurpee. | 574,661 |
I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women. There were tons of girls there, just not very many. | 574,662 |
A man goes to a partially deaf doctors Man: Doctor Doctor I can't remember who sang the Pinball Wizard.
Doctor: The....... who? | 574,663 |
Honey, can you fix the plumbing? A man's wife asks him if he could fix the plumbing for the sink because it's broken,
He replies, "I'll do it tomorrow"
The next day the wife asks, "Honey, can you fix the dish washer? It's broken."
Again the man says, "I'll do it tomorrow."
Well, a few days pass and the man says to himself, "You know, what am I thinking. I should have fixed it when she asked me."
The next morning he wakes up and says, "Honey, I'm going to fix the sink."
She says, "It's already fixed."
The husband says, "Well what about the dishwasher?"
She says, "It's already fixed."
The man says, "How did you fix them?"
The wife says, "I had someone come over and fix them. He said he'd do it for free if I baked a cake for him or had sex with him."
The husband goes, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake?:
The wife goes, "Honey, you know I cant bake." | 574,664 |
Billy's parents called the school on the afternoon he completed his make up test, they wanted to know why he was wearing lipstick and mascara. | 574,665 |
What is a black mans favorite Halloween costume? Robbin Hood | 574,666 |
What would the punishment be for smoking a joint in the times of Jesus Christ? You would get stoned. And then get rocks thrown at you. | 574,667 |
What do you call an angry archer? A Cross Bowman | 574,668 |
So i was entered an ass hole completion, and got 3rd place, although I should have been in second place. 9 of the 10 contestant who showed up and were talkative and pretty decent after all it was a friendly competition. I dressed up like a person from the jersey shore, on stage I insulted all of the members and took off my shirt.
Second place came drunk and late to his own segment, when he arrived he took off his pants and urinated on a man in a wheel chair.
First place however did nothing, he was a real ass hole. A real ass hole should disqualified. | 574,669 |
What do a squirrel and a piano have in common ? Both can climb trees, except the piano | 574,670 |
An elephant escaped from the circus... ...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.
"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."
"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.
"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!" | 574,671 |
Two necrophiliacs Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a morgue. The first necrophiliac says to the second "Want to stop in for a couple of cold ones?" | 574,672 |
I asked for a ham and swiss, you gave me a meatball instead Woops, wrong sub. | 574,673 |
What is the difference between a teacher and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four... | 574,674 |
Why are old printers so musical? Because they are prone to jamming. | 574,675 |
One social worker asks another "What time is it?" The second replies, "I don't know, I'm not wearing a watch."
The first says, "That's OK, the important thing is we talked about it." | 574,676 |
Girls' Night Out! Two friends (both female) had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.
My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other.
"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you!'
| 574,677 |
Wolf Encounter... A tour guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon."
"What did you do?" the little girl asked.
"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage." | 574,678 |
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say? This one really sucks. | 574,679 |
A man walks into a bar and says, "David Foster Wallace was not the greatest writer to ever live." . | 574,680 |
Two accountants at a bank.... Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?"
To which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you." | 574,681 |
When Harry Potter ejaculates, it's HP sauce For those who don't know, [HP sauce](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HP_Sauce) is a brown sauce sold in the UK. | 574,682 |
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in the Batmobile Robin. | 574,683 |
Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? To whom! | 574,684 |
Why should you never go down on a girl the morning after a night of sex? ..ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich? | 574,685 |
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk? A milk dud. | 574,686 |
What do you call a marine animal who under-performs at the vegetable academy? A C-cucumber. | 574,687 |
A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says... "Make me one with everything."
Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."
The monk then pulls out a pistol from his robe and shoots the vendor. After this, he states "I have found my inner piece." | 574,688 |
Why does Peter Pan always fly? He Neverlands.
I really love this joke because it never grows old! [=)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82ANkjVEpYk) | 574,689 |
Un hombre de negocio llega a Buenos Aires... Él espera, y después de un momento un hermoso mercedes se detiene con una señal de taxi en el techo. El hombre le pregunta, ¿Puedo coger su taxi, es tan hermoso?
El taxista responde: "Pues, se puede, pero no se debe." | 574,690 |
Hillary Clinton is running for president. She just sent the announcement via email. | 574,691 |
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your mother | 574,692 |
What do you call a black man flying plane? A pilot you racist. | 574,693 |
Why do Africans get scared when they get diarrhea? Because they think they are melting.... | 574,694 |
I'm gay... Gay for *dick.* | 574,695 |
A Chinese man and woman get married. On their wedding night, the man decides to try to impress his wife with his sexual sophistication. He insists that he will do whatever she wants. At first she is demure, but eventually she relents and says: "I've heard some friends talk about 69". The husband is incredulous: "You want sesame chicken at a time like this?". | 574,696 |
Why does the Vanu Sovereignty hate plastic bags? They keep Terran. | 574,697 |
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a leak? Because their entire species is extinct. | 574,698 |
My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once... But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out! | 574,699 |
How do you spell "laughing out loud" by using binary? 1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1 | 574,700 |
I was looking at this girl from across the room I have always been looking at this girl, she never talks to me, but today as I was looking at her she came to me. She started talking about her life is a mess and how she is planning on killing herself. Being the awkward person I am, I stayed silent and kept staring at her as she burst in tears. Suddenly, she took me in her hand. She put the whole thing in her mouth. I didn't know how to feel since she was still crying, but I kept on going none the less. Suddenly, I couldn't hold it any more so I just blew my whole load in her mouth. I then fell on the bed and continued my life as a gun. | 574,701 |
How many people work in the Lada factory? Two.
One to cut and one to glue | 574,702 |
For gamers of a certain age Why did Rodney Dangerfield always make such unbalanced RPG characters?
He never got no respec.
*edited to make grammar worse | 574,703 |
A trip to the barbers... That'll put hairs on your chest. | 574,704 |
How did the Welshman find the sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying. | 574,706 |
The snack that smiles back! Children! | 574,707 |
What did A say to B about : and D? They seem happy when they are together - :D | 574,708 |
did you hear about that kidnapping in Texas? He woke up. | 574,709 |
What did O say to Q? "Hey man, your dick's hanging out." | 574,711 |
Silver lining.... There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The Doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin..... however, the only place suitable to the Doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!
All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.
She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!"
He replied, "Oh, don't worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
| 574,712 |
What did the brown dwarf say to the bartender? I'd like a Corona, please. | 574,713 |
Made a typo writing this report and stumbled on the worst joke. Database Administrator: I love my database so much, you could say she's my databae. | 574,714 |
How did the man who threw his mints in the garbage avoid jail time? It was ruled he had non-compost-mentos | 574,715 |
How do you tell how rich a black man is. By how many gold chains he has, how do you tell how rich a white man is? By how many slaves he has. | 574,716 |
A magical tractor is driving down a road... and turns into a field. | 574,717 |
I walked up to service station night pay I walked up to the service station night pay and said,
"pump 7 and a kit kat chunky"
The lady behind the glass walked off and came back and handed me a kit kat chunky and said, "that's $53.21 all together".
I looked at her in disgust and said, "I wanted a regular kit kat you fat cunt" | 574,718 |
A friend just cracked this joke.. Whats the worst thing you can call a black man that starts with N and ends with R?
Neighbor | 574,719 |
TIFU by posting in the wrong thread Shit | 574,720 |
Blind date at the carnival Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim.
They ambled over to the 'weight guesser'. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
And back to the 'weight guesser' they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." | 574,721 |
Why does Z hate being at the end of the alphabet? Because he spends all day with a Y's ass. | 574,722 |
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He used a pencil to budget | 574,723 |
Why is Jesus gay? Ahhh men
| 574,724 |
Which bounty hunter specializes in tracking elves? Jingle Fett | 574,726 |
What is Hitler's IP address? holocalhost | 574,727 |
What's worse than having spiders on your piano? Having crabs on your organ. | 574,728 |
If the United States government had a reality TV show... It would be called House of Tards. | 574,729 |
I like my pussy like I like my sandwiches With the meat inside | 574,730 |
I came up with a movie idea. A man's daughter is abducted. This man has has a unique set of skills and goes on a revenge rampage. But the idea was taken. | 574,731 |
Three Indian detectives The chief officer needed a detective so he decided to try three of the best detectives his superiors had to offer.
He presented the first detective with a picture of a suspect and asked the detective what he sees:
"Hmm.. " the detective squints "I can tell you that this man is a criminal and I would catch him on no time at all!". The detective is impressed by this confident response and asks him " how do you figure?"
"Oh man, it's hard to miss a man with one eye!"
"You moron! This is a side-on photograph!"
Thinking it could only get better, the chief officer invited the next detective in and presented him with the same picture and asked him what he sees.
"It's clear as day! I see a criminal that will be easy to catch!"
"How so?"
"Well how hard is it to miss a man with one ear?"
"You idiot! This isn't a full face picture!"
At this point the chief officer was feeling discouraged but since he only had one more to go he decided to give the next detective a shit. He presented him with the same photograph and hoped it wouldn't be another waste of time. "What do you see?"
"Mate, I couldn't be more sure that this criminal would be as easy to catch as a sloth in an enclosure!"
"Right... How so?"
"Listen chief, the criminal obviously wears a monocle!"
"How would you infer that?" Asked the not intrigued chief officer
"Well! A person with one eye and one ear couldn't possibly wear a pair of glasses!"
Credit to my grandpa. | 574,732 |
What did the golden male connector said when he plugged himself into the female Sorry, i couldn't resist
| 574,733 |
How do you get honey from a graveyard? From a zombee!
I'll see myself out | 574,734 |
Pigs What is s pig's least favorite game | 574,735 |
Jokes What is Mario's favorite fruit | 574,736 |
Why didn't the bird cross the road? It chickened out. | 574,737 |
What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler? Lance could finish a race | 574,738 |
Youtube criticism police in a nutshell No. | 574,739 |
What do you call a hapoy frog? Hoppy | 574,740 |
When Police Knock On Your Door Police: Knock Knock
Me: Who is it?
Police: its the Police.
Me: What do you want?
Police: We just wanna talk
Me: How many of you are there?
Police: 2
Me: Then talk to each other. | 574,741 |
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here". | 574,742 |
They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds. | 574,743 |
How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife? Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you. | 574,744 |
I recently got a telescope I got a telescope the other day and realised that I can get a view of some great ass. Some of the asses are out of this world! | 574,745 |
Please Help! I've got a medical condition where I can't discern between the letter "b" and the letters "th". Oops, wrong bread. | 574,746 |
Knock Knock Knock knock
Who's there?
A man with short-term memory problems.
A man with short-term memory problems who?
Knock knock | 574,747 |
Why do pills bottles have cotton in them? So they can remind black people the picked cotton before they sold drugs. | 574,748 |
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None. | 574,749 |
Scientists have found that, in GoT's Westeros, the distribution of Alzheimer's Disease... ...is not even. Studies have shown that the southern part of the island's inhabitants are more prone to get the disease. Scientists speculate that the reason for this may be the fact that... The North Remembers. | 574,750 |
I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple Sorry, wrong thread | 574,751 |
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