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MISSING WIFE
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Inspector : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Inspector : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started
crying...
Inspector: -Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.
"men will be men"
| 574,752 |
What do you call alternative medicine that works? Medicine. | 574,753 |
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa | 574,755 |
My Granddad is on a catheter...... It really takes the piss | 574,756 |
Mr Smith's back pain. A man (let's call him Mr Smith) goes to the doctor with terrible back pain. It's keeping him up every night and leaving him in tears during the day. The doc runs some tests and breaks the bad news,
"Well Mr Smith, we've found the source of your problem. You see, your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine and that pressure on your spinal column is what is causing your back pain. The only solution is to chop off your testicles". Mr Smith was obviously distraught but he couldn't face another day of agony so he decides to go through with the procedure.
A few weeks later, Mr Smith, still feeling awful about his new ball-less life walks by a tailor and decides to treat himself to a new suit. He walks into the tailor and demands the finest suit that money can buy - no expense spared.
The tailor looks him up and down, pauses for a second and says "Not a problem I'd say you're a 40 long, 16 collar and a 34 chest"
"Incredible! How did you know?" said Mr Smith
"I've been doing this a long time, it's my job to know these things" replied the tailor and he scuttled away to fetch the items
Upon returning the tailor looks at Mr Smith again and says "I'm guessing you're a size 10 shoe and a 34 waist. Oui?"
"Ha!" replied Mr Smith, "Got you this time! I'm actually a 32 waist, have been most of my life"
"I don't think so. You're definitely a 34" said the tailor, "If you were to wear a 32 it would push your testicles against the base of your spine and cause you terrible back pain" | 574,758 |
Have you heard about Edward Snowden's brother Jon Snowden? He knows nothing... | 574,760 |
What's green and invisible? This cabbage | 574,761 |
Kids are like smoking cigarettes. I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
Jim Jefferies | 574,762 |
I knew you'd come crawling back the minute I stole your wheelchair | 574,763 |
How do you get rid of earache? Divorce her. | 574,764 |
I was standing at the urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a pee. I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away, I turned and looked again and the little fecker was winking at me like crazy. Disturbed by this, I asked "are you gay? Do you fancy me or something?", he replied "No you're splashing in my fucking eyes. | 574,765 |
What is the difference between God and my love life? Some people think God is real. | 574,766 |
I just pulled a fork out of my toilet Don't worry, I just dropped it in there the other night while I was drunk, it's not like I swallowed a fork and shat it out of my asshole. | 574,767 |
You never know before you know.... and then you know | 574,768 |
So there I was, balls deep... In my sister, and she looks up to me and says "wow, your COCKS even bigger than dad's" But I already know that, grandma told me | 574,769 |
Did you hear about the skeleton that couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with! | 574,770 |
How do you find Ronald McDonald in a room full of naked clowns? The Sesame Seeds on his buns.
(According to my father this is the first joke I ever told, around 5yo.) | 574,771 |
I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids. So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee. | 574,772 |
What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? Stuck | 574,773 |
I'm from South Central Bum Fuck... ...I bring it from the creeks. | 574,774 |
What do firemen and Eastern European prostitutes have in common? They both go down on poles. | 574,775 |
My friend got a spider in his eye... Now he has a website. | 574,776 |
Well played boy... well played Was 'about town' the other day and heard these two middle school aged children taunting one another, there conversation went like this: Boy 1: "your so gay man", Boy 2: "well that means i'm happy", Boy 1: "Yeah... Happy around men"
Couldn't help myself but laugh, the first boy was so proud of his comeback.
| 574,777 |
Gravity is actually very weak For it does not even lift. | 574,778 |
What caused the Germanwings crash? The wrong attitude. | 574,779 |
Virginia wolf More like Virginia woof | 574,780 |
Why did the pimp cross the lawn? To get to the hoes. | 574,781 |
There is a new car fragrance designed to look like the Joker... The fragrance? Tears of a clown. | 574,782 |
A man goes to see the doctor... A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.
The doctor looks at it and says, I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials? The man says no.
The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, Nothing. The doctor is really puzzled now and says, You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?
The man replies, Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos. | 574,783 |
Just ate a bunch of confetti... Now I'm a party pooper. | 574,784 |
What did the lonely clock say to the other? I hope you have the time tic come toc to me | 574,785 |
What do Stephan Harper and pennies have in common? They're both useless in Canada. | 574,786 |
You should really buy stock in K-Y Jelly It can only go up. | 574,787 |
Why does a German always have the last laugh? He has to wait for the verb. | 574,788 |
My Mother texted me and asked "What does TTYL mean?"... I replied, "Talk to you later".
So she responded, "No! Talk to me now! What does it mean?" | 574,789 |
TIL The deadliest Medieval warrior was a Scottish tailor. ....He kilt thousands of people. | 574,790 |
A Female co-worker was depressed I asked her what's wrong. She said she found 4 condoms on her boyfriends night stand. They had recently bought a 6 pack, so 2 were missing. Her boyfriend claimed he used them for masturbation so he wouldn't make a mess. She was reluctant, but believed him.
She then turned to me and asked if I'd ever done that. I said "yes". She exclaimed "You've masturbated with a condom"? I said no....I meant I had lied to my girlfriend :-) | 574,791 |
What did one boob say to the other? We better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts. | 574,792 |
Why not to park with a blonde Guy's parked with a blonde, doin' great, says, Hey - wanna go to to the back seat?
She lifts her head long enough to say No, so he lets it go.
(Repeat three more times).
Guy exasperated - I don't get it honey. Why don't you want to go to the backseat?
Blonde - I wanna stay up here with you! | 574,793 |
Who translated "The Flat-Chested Woman" from the original Russian? Vasily Bithertitoff | 574,794 |
My friend's name is Iceewe Neer He sounds like a dick but once you get to know him he's actually pretty chill. | 574,795 |
I got a happy ending from a Korean masseuse. I justified it as not cheating on my wife because it was just an extension of the massage. The next time I saw the masseuse, we both got all oiled up and had sex. I was on top of her thrusting when I realized... I was on a slippery slope. | 574,796 |
Penile cancer A man goes to a doctor complaining of pain in his penis. The doctor says, "you have penile cancer; your penis must be cut off." He goes to another doctor, who says the same thing. Then he goes to a folk healer. The healer makes up a herbal concoction. "Drink it." The man drinks it. "Stand on a chair." He stands on a chair. "Jump." He jumps off the chair, and his penis falls off by itself. "See - all they want is to cut." | 574,797 |
Girl: Why should I shave my downstairs? Guy: Because I don't like hair in my food. | 574,798 |
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ...Bad-um Tst | 574,799 |
My dog kept barking at me I'm not sure why hes in love with roofs. | 574,800 |
What do you get when you cross a magician with a camera? Hokus Focus
Obligatory "I'm sorry" line. | 574,801 |
Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too. | 574,802 |
God wasn't trying to get Marry pregnant with Jesus. Turns out he was wearing a holey condom. | 574,803 |
What's the best part about a wet pussy [NSFW?] It means your cat has finally gotten into the bath tub | 574,804 |
Bees What do you call a bee in May | 574,805 |
Your daughter is dead! Kevin! Your daughter is dead.
Depressed he jumps from the 100th floor.
At the 50th floor he remembers that he doesn't have a daughter.
At the 25th floor he remembers that he was not married.
At the 5th floor he remembers that he's not Kevin. | 574,806 |
How did the Hispanic secret agent introduce himself? Bondo. Jaime Bondo. | 574,807 |
In soviet Russia..... Road crosses chicken | 574,808 |
How does a dark-skinned boy have light-skinned hands? ...because paint!
-my four-year-old daughter. | 574,809 |
Pornhub titles always lack depth, and imagination. Yes, we know college girl tries anal for first time, but whats her major? Her dreams? | 574,810 |
Have you heard the one about the dog on the roof? You wouldn't get it, it's over your head. | 574,811 |
My doctor wrote a prescription for dailysex. But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia. | 574,812 |
how many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh TEN TICKLES
AHAHAHHAHAHAHA this is my favorite joke | 574,813 |
How do you make a dead baby float? 2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby | 574,814 |
My ex is a bitch So I dated this girl for 5 months and we got married. We were deeply in love and she divorced me on our honeymoon. She took my house, and my car. But jokes on her cause I ran over her cat and shat on the corpse. | 574,815 |
Helluva guy John is a hellava guy. Type of guy who goes out on a Friday night, gets a couple of blow jobs, comes back and gives his buddy one. | 574,816 |
Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill. Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"
Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea." | 574,817 |
You've got penis [Cast: a man and a woman.]
Woman/man: [bump into each other.]
Woman: You've got penis in my vagina.
Man: You've got vagina in my penis
woman/man: [moan] | 574,818 |
Why did ginny make harry get rid of his invisibility cloak? He kept coming out of no where | 574,820 |
I recently met up with an old girlfriend of mine and we immediately started having sex... ...The police got annoyed, however - they only wanted me to identify the body. | 574,821 |
A guy comes home from the bar he's got a duck under his arm. His wife is on the computer and barely notices him. He walks over to her and says "this is the pig I've been screwing". She finally looks up and says "that's not a pig it's a duck". He says.... "I wasn't talking to you". | 574,822 |
A magician was driving down the road. He turned into a driveway! | 574,823 |
A bad joke hit a good joke... ...what a bad joke. | 574,824 |
A Jewish boy asks his father for 50 bucks. What the hell are you going to do with 30 dollars? Why do you want 10 dollars? | 574,825 |
My girlfriend was getting kinky in bed, and she said, "Hurt me! Hurt me!" So I got in my car and ran over her cat. | 574,826 |
After a long day, I feel like a bicycle Because I'm too tired | 574,827 |
Why did twoface go to the dentist? He dented his tooth | 574,828 |
A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown. He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.
He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it."
The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.
As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.
He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there, there are thousands and thousands of rats following him.
He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.
The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story".
The guys says, "No, I was wondering if you have a bronze Socialist Liberal Democrat?" | 574,829 |
Came up with a potentially good joke today [needs help though] Has to be told by a woman though - which is where it falls short with me being able to use it. Perhaps the setup should be some sort of meta-joke about a country girl telling a joke to her friend.
Q. Why did the redneck speed off in his truck late last night?
A. Beats the hell out of me.
Anyway, I know where to go with it. Getting there might be too convoluted though. Any suggestions? | 574,830 |
What do you call a group of zombies watching The Sixth Sense while on a cruise? High Seas Dead People | 574,832 |
Grammar Nazi If somebody who is really anal about proper grammar is called a Grammar Nazi, is someone who constantly makes grammatical mistakes a Grammar Jew? | 574,833 |
A higgs boson walks into a church... The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.” | 574,834 |
Hey what's a cracka lackin Cheese. | 574,835 |
Foreplay in an elevator... Taking going down, to a whole new level
I'm bad i know... | 574,836 |
I always cried when my Dad chopped onions. Onions was a good dog. | 574,837 |
Kick the can If you don't have a can, you can just play "kick the can't"!
Joke courtesy of my dad. Obviously. | 574,838 |
A Little Tale of Timmy (x-post from /r/long_jokes) Timmy loved tractors. When he was growing up his room was covered in them. He had tractor wallpaper, a tractor bed, tractor sheets, tractor pillowcases, not to mention all of the tractor toys he would lovingly play with every day.
On Timmy's 13th birthday his parents decided to take him to a farm and let him ride on a tractor. Timmy was excited that his dream of riding on a tractor was finally becoming reality. After about 30 minutes of being driven around, the farmer offered Timmy a quick go behind the wheel. Timmy was thrilled, nothing could make him happier. As Timmy drove around the field he started to become more and more confident, when suddenly, disaster struck. Timmy, now not really concentrating on where he was going, hit a bump in the field and the tractor lost control and hit a tree. The farmer managed to escape but Timmy was caught between the tractor and the tree and passed out from the pain.
Timmy awoke a week later in his local hospital; both of his parents were so relieved that he was awake they almost crushed him again. Unfortunately both of Timmy's legs were broken as well as his lower back. It took Timmy 2 and a half years to finally be back in control over his body and after months or grueling physiotherapy he was finally able to get back home. When he walked into his tractor covered room he almost broke down in tears. Timmy hated Tractors. Timmy never wanted to see another tractor again and so the next day his walls were stripped, his bedding changed and his toys put away and Timmy tried to move on with his life.
Throughout his life growing up Timmy started to put the whole tractor incedent behind him and focus on his new goals in life such as a job or house or even a girlfriend but he never got rid of that hatred of all things tractor.
We now see Timmy in his mid 20's life's been good to him. He has a good job and has just moved into a new flat in a nice part of town. He pops into a bar on his way home from work for a quick drink. The bar was thick with smoke and Timmy could barley see in front of him. As he went up to the bar he noticed the most beautiful lady he had ever seen in his life. She had long golden hair that fell gracefully from her head. Her eyes were a deep green and her lips a dark red. As Timmy was thinking of something to say to her he noticed a single tear running down her cheek. "Beautiful lady why are you crying" Timmy asked. She looked up at him and explained that all the smoke was hurting her eyes and she was struggling to breath. Timmy new it was his time to shine. "Never fear" he said and stood up on the bar. He then took a deep breath and sucked in all the smoke from the bar; everyone was now staring at him as he casualy walked outside and exhaled all the smoke into the atmosphere. As he walked back in he heard the woman cry "how on earth did you do that?!" "It's easy," Timmy replied "I'm an ex tractor fan." | 574,839 |
A bit of bad news "I'm afraid I've got some bad news", said the doctor. "You don't have long to live"
The young man swallowed. "How much time have I got left?"
The doctor shook his head sadly. "Ten."
"Ten what? Ten years? Ten Months? Ten-"
"Nine...Eight..." | 574,840 |
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 12 | 574,841 |
What do you call the exact opposite of progress Congress | 574,842 |
Never mess with them Again Mitsy and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.
Mitsy said,
“My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their thank you notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely thank you note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them.”
Milda said,
“My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send thank you notes. I, too, send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow,” remarked Mitsy. “I wish mine would do that.”
“You can, Mitsy, you can.”
“How?” Mitsy asked.
“Simple,” Milda replied. “Do what I do: Don’t sign the check.” | 574,843 |
What do you call Asian quadruplets? 4chan | 574,844 |
I pitched my movie idea to a producer . It was about a kid who found out his transgender uncle was a superhero. I called it Auntman, the producer didn't get the idea, because he was black... | 574,845 |
"You know, when I was a surgeon in the army my nickname was Nodoc." It's what my patients always told me before they went under. | 574,846 |
A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee. Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally. | 574,847 |
Why are shoes always tied in the ghetto? Because if not, you always be trippin nigga. | 574,848 |
Schrodingers cat walks into a bar... and it doesn't. | 574,852 |
What's black and white and red all over? * When I tell it: a new paper.
* When my kids tell it: a newspaper. Kids ask, "What's a newspaper?"
* When my grandchildren tell it: Road kill. Kids ask, 'What's a road?"
* When an otter tells it: My date, the baby seal. | 574,853 |
His palms are sweaty... His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already.
WebMD: *TYPHOID FEVER* | 574,854 |
Knock knock joke Knock knock
Who's there?
With.
With who?
With whom. | 574,855 |
I was offered sex today with an 18 year old girl... ...and exchange for that i was supposed fo advertise a new bathroom cleaner in some way. She was beautiful but i am a person of strong morals, just as strong as Ajax the new bathroom detergent. Available in multiple fragrances. | 574,856 |
I just started a new band called Prevention Everyone says we're better than The Cure | 574,857 |
Did you hear about the zoo with only one dog? It was a shit zoo | 574,858 |
TIFU by using disinfectant wipes on my ass. Just joking! | 574,859 |
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