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An Trainer talks to one of his Novice Doctor... 'I cannot wait to do this operation!'
'And why is that?'
'If I could not wait to do this operation,I would be no doctor...
**'I WOULD BE PATIENT!'**
| 574,860 |
I went to the School of Engineering formal this weekend. Walked up to a girl...
"Are you a civil engineer... cause DAM GIRL!"
she went home with me...
| 574,861 |
How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? Pretty good. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) | 574,862 |
My girlfriend wasn't sure about trying anal at first But she quite liked it in the end | 574,863 |
Optimism and Pessimism Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glad is half empty.
Journalist: The glass is a victim of discrimination by White Christian Conservatives. | 574,864 |
DILN IS A BADDY HAHAHAHA | 574,865 |
What's the difference between a cat and a comma One has claws on it's paws. The other is a pause in a clause. | 574,866 |
What is Tiger Woods favorite course? The intercourse. | 574,867 |
TIFU by having unprotected sex. I thought the STD was standard. | 574,868 |
A young native american asks his father... A young native american asks his father, "Father, why is my brother named Howling Wolf?" And the father answers, "Well son, when your mother have birth to your brother I stepped outside and saw a howling wolf and so i named him Howling Wolf." The son then asks, "Why is my sister named Full Moon?" To which the father replied, " Well because when your mother gave birth to your sister I stepped outside and saw a full moon and so I named her Full Moon." The father intrigued by his son's questions asks, " Why do you ask Shitting Dog?" | 574,869 |
Hard problems are smile spece period bloodshortestthesaurus How the fuck do I end this? Patriot Act long irritating Rube happiness Goldberg edit difficult circle middle triangulate beating a dead horse to probleblem solve redundant complete. - fun This space was intentionally left blank. | 574,870 |
What do you call a smart blonde? A labrador | 574,871 |
What's the difference between a optimist, a pessimist and a realist? The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The pessimist sees nothing.
And the realist sees the train. | 574,872 |
What's 9 inches long, pink, and women scream when you put in their mouth? Their miscarriage | 574,873 |
My buddy's daughter just told me this joke. I am a grown woman damn it, but I cannot stop laughing. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
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An irrelephant. | 574,874 |
Sometimes I lie in bed at night, looking up at the stars and think Where the hell did the ceiling go? | 574,875 |
Don't mess with muslins... They have short fuses. | 574,876 |
What is an astronomer's favorite drink? *Star*bucks.
[Sorry.](https://sarahk18.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/happy-ba-dum-tss-l.jpg) | 574,877 |
What is black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist. | 574,878 |
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes. | 574,879 |
I've heard muslims are bad in bed After the first scream they go off | 574,880 |
What do a bunch of wankers do in a group? Mass debating. | 574,881 |
What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an elementary school? Don't ask me, I just fly the drone. | 574,882 |
This joke is hilarious... So there's a huge, fat guy named Jonathan Francis Drake Braithwaite and he's in the master bedroom with his butler and he looks in the mirror and says to himself, "Jonathan Francis Drake Braithwaite, how do I make it shorter?"
The butler listening in says, "Lose Waite!" | 574,883 |
The best sniper ever One guy pretends that he's the world's best shooter.
As everybody suspicious, He said: "See this fly?" Then aim at the fly 500m away and shoot.
A man laugh and said "well, your fly is still flying my friend!"
and the shooter to reply "It might fly, but it will never fuck again." | 574,884 |
Did you hear about the witch who couldn't have children? her husband had a Holloweenie. | 574,885 |
two patients at a mental hospital plotting to escape patient 1: I have a fool proof plan on how we can get out of this place.
patient 2: what is it?
patient 1: you see that window over there? we'll use that to escape.
patient 2: yes but were on the 20th floor.
patient 1: don't worry I stole one of the guards flashlight. we will escape during the night. I'll turn on the flash light and you will crawl through across the other building.
patient 2: are you crazy, I'm not stupid. the battery might drain out and I will fall. | 574,886 |
locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other day. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger | 574,887 |
I heard about Buddhist monks who lit themselves on fire to protest prosucution Certainly one way to reach enlightenment | 574,888 |
The mother of all Dad jokes. Dad: *Picks up caterpillar* I'll name him Hans!
Person: "Why?"
Dad: "Because he's got lots of Hans!" | 574,889 |
why did the lobster refuse to help anyone else? because he's shellfish | 574,890 |
What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear? White Vans. | 574,891 |
What do you do if you see a space man? Park in it man. | 574,892 |
Why do they call it PMSing? Mad Cow disease was already taken. | 574,893 |
My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him | 574,894 |
What happens when you click A on thIs post Someone unkowingly gives me internet points. | 574,895 |
Yo mama is so slutty.... I saw her on a box of wheaties with her legs wide open, saying breakfast for champs. | 574,896 |
knock,knock Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework? | 574,897 |
Why is Al Gore bad at dancing? You can't put passion into an Al Gore Rhythm (algorithm).
Anyone? Anyone? | 574,898 |
What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian? One has a mustache and smells like fish and the other one's a walrus! | 574,899 |
My wife wanted me to buy something that goes to 200 in one second flat. So I bought her a bathroom scale. | 574,901 |
I told my wife about my other wife.... She took it really well, said it was big o' me :) | 574,902 |
Guys, how can you tell the girl your having sex with is faking an orgasm? Who cares. | 574,903 |
As a black man with the last name Smith, does that make Will Smith a blacksmith? If so, will Will Smith smith? Some say Will Smith will smith. Will Will Smith's will to smith will smiths to smith like Will Smith? | 574,904 |
A 16 year old girl's parents die and she goes to live with her grandmother.... Her grandmother can barely support herself as it is and pretty soon they'll have to go live in a homeless shelter if the grandmother can't pay their rent. The girl can't stand to see her grandmother suffer like that so she becomes a prostitute at a local secret brothel. The girl does everything she can to hide her "job" from her grandmother and she makes enough money for them to live off of. One day, while the girl is "working", police raid the brothel and line all of the prostitutes up on the sidewalk for interrogation and identification one by one. All of a sudden, the girl sees her grandmother walking down the street. She tries to shoo her away, but she comes over and asks her granddaughter, "Hello Sweety! What is it that you and your friends are lined up for?" The girl panics and says "Ummmmm.....Oranges! Yes, they're giving out free oranges, but surely you have no need for oranges so goodbye grandma!" Grandma insists though, "Why that sounds splendid, I'll take a dozen!" The police officers go through the line and finally get to grandma. They all stare at the sweet old lady in disbelief. One asks, "But....how do you do it? You're so old...." The grandma candidly replies, "Why, it's quite easy sonny, I just take out my dentures and suck 'em dry!" | 574,905 |
Why did they name themselves AC/DC? Because that's the chord progression in all their songs. | 574,906 |
My wife isn't much of a wrestler But man you should see her box. | 574,907 |
I have a rape joke. Never mind, it's a bit forced. | 574,908 |
How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute? Go to England and buy something | 574,909 |
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wipe his ass. | 574,910 |
Asked my dad if he heard about the head tranplant on the news. He said, "No, but it sounds like it's way ahead of it's time." | 574,911 |
What has 5 eyes? invisibility | 574,912 |
Tell me a joke. Make me laugh I need to hear a joke make me laugh please | 574,913 |
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just 1. It's offensive that you thought this was a joke. | 574,914 |
Some guy at a party asked me, "Who's cheese is on those chips?" [Fixed] And I said, "Well, obviously *na-chos*."
Get it? It sounds like '*not yours*' with an accent. | 574,915 |
Some Jokes I Made Up * What do you call a monkey in a circus? Banana split!
* David had 50 chocolate bars. He eats 40 of them. What does David have now? Diabetus. David has diabetus.
* I am offended by all the German jokes on the internet. My great grandfather died, falling off a guard tower.
* What's black and white and red all over? A penguin in a revolving door! | 574,916 |
Nifties I wrote a blog post about the history of knock knock jokes, and I learned all about the "Nifty",
Before knock knock jokes there were do you know? jokes, made popular in the early 1900’s. For example,
“Do you know Patty O’Furniture”?
Or slightly more complex
“Do you know Arthur?”
“Arthur who?”
“Arthurmometer!”
Hilarity would ensue. This style of joke was nicknamed ” nifties “.
Know any good Nifties Reddit?
Also please say them like you're an old timey newspaper person, it really adds to it.
Here's my blog link if you want to learn more.
https://thewhopcat.wordpress.com/ | 574,917 |
What do you call an OP doing a unfunny joke? A pilot you racist | 574,918 |
How do you call 8 Hobbits? A Hobbyte
| 574,919 |
What do you call a promiscuous egg? Humped-me Dumped-me | 574,920 |
What do you call a school that teaches you how to draw hairy butts? Colon-hairy Arts School! | 574,921 |
I just started a new band called 'Blankets and Duvets' We've already been called the best cover band of all time
| 574,922 |
Guy applies for job at LAPD. Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "I can't do that. You expect me to go out there and kill a poor defenceless rabbit?" | 574,923 |
3 bad dad jokes I use these back to back to back all the time.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSHHHHHHHH | 574,924 |
Why are hot dogs the best dogs? Because they feed the hand that bites them. | 574,925 |
How do you get four old ladies to yell "FUCK?" Get one to yell "BINGO!" | 574,926 |
The inventor if the anti-virus software has been charged with murder. They expect the trial to last 30 days | 574,927 |
Saw the joke about the LAPD on the frontpage and I raise you this one Gang leader says "Homies said you are reliable, and word around the block is you a straight up OG. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black men and a cop." Tyrone replies "No problem" Gang leader says "Fantastic attitude, you are in the gang!" | 574,928 |
What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns? I think he would be most strict on nail gun control.
(Credit to Taylor on PKA) | 574,929 |
What's the only thing worse than 9/11? 311 | 574,930 |
Friends, Romans, countrymen: lend me your buttholes. I'm going to fill them with poo. | 574,931 |
The Hardest Question for a Man A man has a wife that oftened ask the hardest question when ever they quarreled.
"If your mum and i both fell into the ocean, who would you rescue from drowning?"
He has always managed to deflect the question but it was getting harder to do so as time passed.
One day he shared his woes with his mother.
See the mother is a very doting mum, who while having raised her son right, would try to make life easier for her son if she could. So she decided to pick up swimming.
Eventually, the Question came up again and this time, confident in his mother's ability to swim, retorted at his wife,
"Ha! If both you and my mum fell into the ocean, i won't have to lift a finger as mum is now a certified lifesaver, *she*, will save, *you*!"
Unsatisfied, the wife complained,
"No! Thats not satisfactory, **YOU** have to jump into the water!"
So the man shot back,
"Well then too bad for you, as you will have to die. I don't know how to swim either and my mum would most definitely save me!"
| 574,932 |
Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat... sooner or later you'll get pissed off. | 574,933 |
What do Terry Fox and Adolf Hitler have in common? Neither one of them could finish a race. | 574,934 |
Lucky Driver A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?" | 574,935 |
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't. | 574,936 |
The police just knocked on my door They claimed my dog was chasing someone on a bike. I told them they must be mistaken. My dog doesn't even own a bike. | 574,937 |
Intelligence Services Contest There once was a contest to determine the best Intelligence Service in the world.
The rules were simple. Each team takes turns to go into a forest and bring out a lion. The fastest team wins.
The MI5 went first and with their superior abilities manage to flush out a lion in about a week.
The CIA rose to the challenge and using their world class equipment and tactics flush out the beast in about 3 days.
The KGB goes last and nothing happens for a week. Everyone one waits for another week and finally search operations begin.
After a lot of effort, the Ruskis were found at last. Torturing a bear and making it confess that it was a lion. | 574,938 |
Jokes What do you call a Mexican in a car | 574,939 |
Have you ever drank The Slager... It's when you you take eight shots of a Black Russian back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back. | 574,940 |
2 men and a blonde are arrested by the secret police for treason During the interrogation, the interrogator brings them into a room and hooks each of them to a lie detecting machine, claiming that they would be vaporised if they told a lie. He then turns to the first man and asks a question.
"Why did you perform such an act?
"I was only thinking about what was best for the country."
The lie detector remains silent and the interrogator proceeds to ask the next man another question.
"Do you have any other accomplices?"
"I think there are about 4-5 other people who are a part of this."
The lie detector once again remained silent. Finally he turned to the blonde.
"How long have you people been working together?"
"I think-"
The blonde disappears. | 574,941 |
Have you ever shoed a horse? No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off. | 574,942 |
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't confuse them with your mom. | 574,943 |
What’s used to calculate binomial coefficients and eaten on Passover? A Paschal Triangle! | 574,944 |
Where do Russians get their milk from? From moscow | 574,945 |
What did the super-fan sheep say to Obama? You Bahhhhhh-Rock! | 574,946 |
The only thing that stands between you and your goal is **Internet** | 574,947 |
I heard the BEST joke the other day! It was about anti-climaxes. | 574,948 |
Tasteless space shuttle Challenger jokes Q) Where did Christa McAuliffe spend her vacation?
A) All over Florida.
Q) What color were Christa McAuliffe's eyes?
A) Blue, one blew this way, one blew that way.
Q) What was the last thing Christa McAuliffe told her husband?
A) "You take care of the dog and cat, I'll feed the fish."
Q) What were Christa McAuliffe's last words?
A) "What does this button do?"
Q) Did Christa McAuliffe have dandruff?
A) Yes, they found her Head and Shoulders washed up on shore.
Q) What were shuttle commander Francis R. (Dick) Scobee's last words?
A) "I meant BUD LITE."
Q) Is it true they found part of African American crew member Ron McNair's body washed up on shore?
A) False, it was the radiator hose from a 1957 Chevy.
Q) Is it true NASA stands for "Need Another Seven Astronauts?"
A) Yes, but we would also have accepted "Not A Safe Area". | 574,949 |
Members of Congress are like farts. We hate all of them except our own. | 574,950 |
What is Bruce Lee's favorite beverage? Wataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa | 574,951 |
What do you call 4 Mexicans in a boat with a terrible leak? Cuatro sinko | 574,952 |
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick. | 574,953 |
What started feminism? An unlocked kitchen door. | 574,954 |
If 50 cent went broke what would he still have? lotta bills.. | 574,955 |
I just had hip replacement surgery It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it. | 574,956 |
Q: How old is Tyrion Lannister? A: Peter Dinkl-age | 574,957 |
Where did Mary go when the bombs went off? Everywhere. | 574,958 |
BBC News: Dogs Trained to Detect Prostate Cancer. I just hope they trim their claws before they stick their paw up my arse. | 574,959 |
The son of a native american chief was complaining about his name "Father, I don't like my name! Why did you name me as such!" said the son.
And so the father replied in his broken English:
"Well son, when your older brother born, I saw eagle in sky, and such his name, Soaring Eagle. When your other brother born, I saw big bear, and such his name, Standing Bear. So my son, what wrong with Two Dogs Fucking?" | 574,961 |
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