text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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The short the jokes, the funnier they are.. Just like dicks | 575,065 |
Had a conversation with my ex-wife over a drink this afternoon. It was cordial. | 575,066 |
George R.R. martins House words should be "Book is coming" because he keeps saying it but it never seems to actually happen. | 575,067 |
How did Jesus walk on water? Well to perform such an amazing feat, he first needed amazing feet.
Insert your hate below. | 575,068 |
I like my presidents like I like my slaves Cautious and skeptical about ideas that start off with "I ran" | 575,069 |
What's the difference between Ray Charles and Ray Rice? Ray Charles wasn't a one-hit wonder. | 575,070 |
12 Inch Pianist One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed "I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks." The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" | 575,071 |
Why Are Mexican & Black Jokes Overdone? Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!...I'm sorry, you can hate me if you wish. ;( | 575,072 |
What's the most awkward U.S state? O....Hi!.....o..... | 575,073 |
What did Will Smith say to Carleton when he asked if he was ready to leave their yoga class? Nah I'ma stay. | 575,074 |
Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella? There was a Lil Wayne outside | 575,075 |
Do/Be To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra | 575,076 |
Why did the hipster where a toque in the summer? So he could say he wore it before it was cool. | 575,077 |
How long is an indian He is from the Sioux tribe. | 575,078 |
The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull... | 575,079 |
There was a fire at the supermarket I work at today. We now offer a large selection of smoked goods. | 575,080 |
What do you call an Arab flying a plane? A pilot you racist | 575,081 |
How are college students like plants? They both need natural light to survive! | 575,082 |
A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield?
His asshole. | 575,083 |
a future joke: A Hispanic cop pulls over a white guy... white guy- "Why not you stop bugging us minorities and go back to gardening" | 575,084 |
When is a woman too fat to fuck? When you pull her panties to her knees and there's still pussy in them. | 575,085 |
The N word. What do you call a bus full of niggers under the ocean with 1 empty seat ?
A crying shame | 575,086 |
What did Sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner? Watson the menu | 575,087 |
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 89% water. I can walk on babies. I am... in jail. | 575,088 |
Stephen Hawking is going to hell... ... because there's only a stairway to heaven. | 575,089 |
My dad just told me this one. These two ladies were outside smoking camels and it starts raining. So one lady takes a condom out of her purse cuts the tip off and then puts it over the cigarette. The other lady asks "where did you get that?" To which the other lady replies "at the gas station." So the next day the other lady is buying condoms at the gas station and the clerk asks her "what size do you want?" To which she replies "just make sure it will fit a camel!" | 575,090 |
A joke I heard on a stand up routine. My friend has a four year old daughter and incidentally she is the funniest person you'll ever meet. One day she came home from school and I was over at his house so I asked her "hey, how was school today?" And she responded "okay. But Becky hit me in the balls with a football."
Now she has an older brother so she's only ever heard of this place as referred to the balls. So I look at my friend and he gives me a look. Layer on he says "a good father would have told her what it's really called, but me? Nah".
Imagine. She's going to be in high school making out with her boyfriend and she will whisper in his ear "....touch my balls..." and guess who's done making out? Her! | 575,091 |
Lie Robot A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother. | 575,092 |
I should probably be upset about kids with black lung... But it's a minor issue. | 575,093 |
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is! | 575,094 |
It's hard to teach Russian leaders how to drive a stick shift Never try to teach Russian leaders how to drive a car with a manual Gorbachev:
When they're Lenin, they never Putin the clutch far enough, so they're always Stalin. Don't even get me started on Khrushchev Control. Be sure to have your hand on the emergency Brezhnev in case you need to stop. They often get distracted while they're trying to adjust the air Chernenko. They like to mess with the exhaust Malenkov so that they can get more power.
People will be Yeltsin at you to get out of their way. Eventually, you might be able to teach them to drive well enough so that they can shop Andropov their kids at school. Just don't forget to have them check their rear Zinoviev mirrors.
Don't try to teach them all at once either; if you pack the car too much, the Kamenev of the wheels might be off. You might also need to replace the ball Berias in the wheels as well. If you have to let them drive, don't let them leave Oregon or New Jersey; they'll make Molotov cocktails if they get to pump the gas.
When they drive in the mountains, they will get pretty good gas mileage because they are Kosygin down the hills. The cars that they like to drive are notorious for having bad brakes; don't forget to have them check the Medvedev cylinder and Podgorny valves for leaks. | 575,095 |
Circumcision I am a professional circumciser.
The other day one of my customers was told about a family emergency in the middle of the job. He had to leave, so I cut it short. | 575,096 |
I had intimate contact with Jesus... ...in a Mexican jail cell. | 575,097 |
Why do they put cotton in the top of a pill bottle? To remind the blacks that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers. | 575,098 |
So our credit card was stolen... but whoever stole it charges less on it than my wife, so I'm not cancelling it. | 575,099 |
My normally calm bull got angry today. It certainly was a red flag. | 575,100 |
Why do all Egyptian's farts smell the same? Because they have a tutankhamun! | 575,101 |
I got throw out of university for plagiarism... Their words, not mine. | 575,102 |
How long did it take Goku to change a lightbulb? 20 Episodes and Krillin dies. | 575,103 |
A doctor walks into his patients room... A doctor walks into his patients room holding his chest x-ray, moving over to the illumination board he pins it up. After staring at it for a second he turns it over, and again, going back and forth a few times. He turns to the patient shifting nervously and says:
 
*"You know, I can never figure out which is the front or back on these damned things!"*
 
They both sort of chuckle and the doctor shrugs.
 
*"Oh well, not like it REALLY matters, you've got cancer in both lungs anyways"* | 575,104 |
Assuming everyone has seen the human head transplant story.. I was discussing 'head transplants' with a young man today and said,
"Surely the term 'head transplant' doesn't even exist? The brain is the seat of the personality and cognitive abilities. The body, however, cannot function without the brain, so technically we should refer to it as a, 'body transplant'."
"That's an interesting concept," he replied, "But this is double murder either way and you're still under arrest | 575,105 |
What is a pirate's favorite material? Arrr-gyle. | 575,106 |
A classic A man walks up to his wife one day and gives her a challenge.
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time," he says.
"You have the biggest dick of all your friends," she replies. | 575,107 |
What happens when devil worshipers do the rain dance? PrecipiSatan | 575,108 |
Young priest before his first moss I apologize in advance for bad grammar.
A young priest was very nervous before his first Mass, so he asked the bishop what to do.
He advised him to drink a glass of water just before the Mass, in which he should put two drops of vodka for relaxation. The young priest drank the water with vodka, relaxed and had his first Mass. After the Mass there was a message from the Bishop waiting for him:
Dear pastor, I advised you two drops of vodka in a glass of water and not vice versa. Just so you know for the next time, it would be good if you take into account a few of my suggestions so the awkwardness from todays Mass doesn't reoccur:
1. There is no need to put a piece of lemon on the edge of the chalice.
2. The cupboard beside the altar is a confessional and not the toilet.
3. Do not lean on the statue of the Virgin Mary, nor Embrace or kiss it.
4. There are Ten Commandments and not twelve.
5. There are twelve Apostles and not seven, and none of them is a dwarf.
6. Jesus and his disciples are not called J. C. & Company.
7. David defeated Goliath with a slingshot and a stone, not by fucking him up and smashing his brain.
8. Judas is not called son of a bitch.
9. The Pope can't be called El Padrino.
10. Osama Bin Laden had nothing to do with Jesus' crucifixion.
11. Blessed water is intended solely and only for blessing and not to refresh your armpits.
12. When you pray, do not sit in front of the altar, and do not place your legs on the Bible.
13. Sacramental bread is not a snack that goes with wine, but is intended for believers.
14. Sinners go to hell and not go fuck themselves.
15. Invitation to a dance generally isn't a bad idea, but a wild polka through the church, however, is inappropriate.
16. That person in the pink dress next to the Choir, you called gay and a transvestite, that was me. | 575,109 |
What is the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass. | 575,110 |
It's risky jerking off to your instagram feed on a Thursday. Sometimes girls don't post throwbacks. | 575,111 |
Two quantum mechanics professors had sex They must have had physical chemistry. | 575,112 |
The host of Dirty Jobs may have balls of steel... But he's got a Mike Rowe penis. | 575,113 |
My girlfriend says that I've got the body of a guy half my age. Which would be a nice compliment if I wasn't 22. | 575,114 |
What's Bill Clinton's favorite Pink Floyd jam? Have a Cigar | 575,115 |
Jokes What kind bees make milk | 575,116 |
What do you call Dora the Explorer in an Iron Man suit? FeDora
I'll see myself out. | 575,118 |
An employee saw his boss fucking a girl inside a car An employee saw his boss fucking a girl inside a car.
Employee: "Nice boss, you enjoying alone, when will it be my turn?"
Boss: "After the girl" | 575,119 |
Did you hear that Jesus starred in a porn? it was called "the second cumming" | 575,120 |
Circumcision jokes are.... ....pointless. | 575,121 |
I went to the book store today... ...I asked the girl at the counter if they had the new book about having a tiny penis.
She said "I don't think it's in yet".
"Yep, that's the one." | 575,122 |
What's shadier than a young tree? Adultery!
*Ba-dum tss* | 575,123 |
Two friends are out for a drive Steve is driving, and Jeff is in the passenger seat. As they are coming to a red light, Steve instead stomps on the gas, and drives right through it.
Jeff is stunned. "What are you doing?"
"Don't worry," Steve says. "My brother drives like this."
After a bit they come up on another red light. Steve again speeds up and drives right through it, narrowly missing clipping a few cars.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Jeff shouts.
"I said don't worry about it!" Steve replies. "My brother drives like this all the time!"
Soon, they come up on a green light. This time, Steve absolutely slams on the brakes, and the car screeches to a halt, nearly causing the cars behind it to pile up.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?" Jeff screams.
"Hey, you never know, my brother might be comin' the other way." | 575,124 |
What is a bee Know any bee jokes | 575,125 |
Macbeth.docx That's a play on word | 575,126 |
Here is a good one for the math lovers. 1 | 575,127 |
I'm quitting my job and moving to Thailand Phuket. | 575,128 |
I have a love-hate relationship with my wife... I love her, she hates me! Ho-ho! | 575,129 |
Why did the hipster cross the Brooklyn bridge? To get home. | 575,130 |
Why do Seagulls live by the Sea? If they didn't, they'd be Bagulls! | 575,131 |
Which Greek Philosopher was the easiest to manipulate? Play-Doh | 575,132 |
What's the fastest thing on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat | 575,133 |
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? Hand EYEEEEEIIIEEE..... | 575,134 |
A German man and his son walk into a bar... A German man and his son walk into a bar. The man points to his son and says "Ein Bier bitte". Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your Kind here". | 575,135 |
What do you call a blind dinosaur? [Do-you-think-he-saur-us.] (http://jokes.cc.com) | 575,136 |
Did you hear about the bus driver that got a really good deal on a new bus made completely out of titanium? Apparently he drives a hard bargain. | 575,137 |
What did the scientist say when a stranger came inside his lab? What the fuck dude get the hell away from my dog! | 575,138 |
I was in the restaurant “I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.” | 575,139 |
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D. Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
Edit: Thanks for the my first Reddit gold! | 575,141 |
Defunct Asylums A certain South American nation had undergone another revolution and found that the ousted dictator had shipped the national treasury to his offshore banks. Therefore, the new government found itself bankrupt. Among other services that it could not afford to continue to provide was the operation of several large laughing academies.
The chief psychiatrists for the various institutes of mental health met in conference with the new president and, after much anguished consideration, it was decided in the interests of public safety that the incurable inmates could not simply be turned out onto the streets. Instead, it was decided that they would be put onto a large isolated jungle island in the river to fend for themselves.
This volcanic island had been a long-term wildlife preserve for the nation's endangered species. On the island lived various rare species of monkeys and parrots and one example of a particularly rare species of sloth.
When the day arrived for the new colony of former mental health patients to be established, they were ferried in small groups to the island. As they came ashore, the new arrivals began exploring the island. They soon discovered the magnificent rare sloth in a huge tree, suspended from his favorite limb above the steaming water of a volcanic pool.
As more and more of the new colonists arrived, they flocked to the tree to stare and gibber in fascination at the sloth. The sloth, therefore, became as agitated as a sloth could get and crept further out along his tree limb. As the crowd grew, the sloth crept out further and further until the limb finally snapped and he fell to his death into the bubbling water of the steaming pool below.
This is, of course, but another proof that too many kooks boil the sloth.
| 575,142 |
How would you describe a joke about bones? Humerus.97 | 575,143 |
Blood rags. What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing they're both stuck up cunts! | 575,144 |
What does a physicist text when he's mad and being short with someone? Potassium. | 575,145 |
Why did C++ look down at C? It thought C lacked class.
i'll see myself out | 575,146 |
My Wife and I are into S&M.. Edit: Typo: M&M. We like M&Ms. | 575,147 |
Bet bet bet! Pro better [NSFW] One day, a worker had claimed that he can remove his left eye. His boss seeing that betted against it for ten bucks. Then the guy detached his fake left eye and won the bet. Then he claimed that he can bite his right eye, thinking that his left eye was fake so his right eye cannot be a fake one; his boss took the offer and betted a hundred bucks against it. The guy detached his fake teeth this time and bit his right eye. This time the guy claimed that his penis is way larger than his bosses right arm and challanged his boss into a bet for a thousand bucks. Thinking about getting back at his employee, the boss took the challange. Then the guy dropped his pants and took out his tiny penis. His boss claimed he is the winner and there is no way that tiny penis is larger than his own right arm. The guy said "pull it, then it will get bigger and bigger". Going mad over his recent stunts, his boss grabbed his dick and pulled it. While his boss was holding his penis, the guy took out his phone and said "Dude, prepare the money by tomorrow as promised." | 575,148 |
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic? ANKH ANKH!! | 575,149 |
A structural engineer walked into a bar... ...this is when he realised his building design was flawed. | 575,150 |
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'" | 575,152 |
12 inch pianist An hilarious joke that young children will not understand.
One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The
bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.
Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks
instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed
"I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist" | 575,153 |
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter... Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!" | 575,154 |
men A man comes home from work one day and is greeted by an empty house, he walks into the kitchen and sees a note on the fridge from his wife. It reads: "this isn't working, i'm leaving". He opens the fridge, the light come on, he opens a beer, it's cold... he pauses for a second and then says aloud: "I don't know what the bitch is talking about! it's working just fine!" | 575,155 |
A blind man walks into a bar... The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"
In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."
| 575,156 |
My counselor suggested I take Sign language in school... She said it was pretty handy | 575,157 |
And God Said to John... "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."
But John came fifth and he won a toaster | 575,158 |
How do you get a hipster to take a shower? Give them a leaky showerhead.
You know, so they can avoid the main stream. | 575,159 |
I bet you guys want to hear a joke about my penis. Nevermind, it's pretty long. | 575,160 |
A surveyor went to a gentlemans club He gathered all the strippers and declared, "I'd like to take a poll." | 575,161 |
Whats the difference between jelly and jam? **NSFW MAYBE** I cant jelly my dick in your ass | 575,162 |
T-t-t-t-too Late A man named Bob goes to see a doctor to see if there is anyway that he can can get rid of his horrible stutter. Bob says, "D-d-doctor, I have had th-this bad s-s-s-stuttor my whole life. I-i-i-s there anything I can do to fix it?". So the doctor runs a series of tests and is shocked to at what is causing the mans stutter. The doctor tells Bob like it is, "Sir, it would appear that your abnormally large penis is weighing down your whole body including your vocal chords, causing you to stutter." The man is shocked, never in his life would he expected this to be the issue. So the man opts for surgery to have his penis size reduced and finds that it cures his stutter. The excitement from losing his stutter was amazing for Bob. He finally was able to become a public speaker like he always wanted. One day after a speech, he took a girl home with him and when she was very unhappy with his bedroom performance Bob decided to see what the possibility getting his penis back to its original size was. Bob goes into the Doctor's office and asks, "Hey doctor is there anyway I could possibly get my penis back to its original size?". To which the Doctor replied, "T-t-t-t-too late". | 575,163 |
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce | 575,164 |
My team got silver medal in the sex Olympics. We would have got gold but I came first in the orgy. | 575,165 |
BLIND DINOSAUR Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us. | 575,166 |
Two peanuts were walking down the street.... And one was a salted.
old I know but i still giggle | 575,167 |
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