text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
|---|---|
Why don't black people like tylenol? Because its white and it works. | 575,273 |
What did the boy scout do that the jewish boy couldn't Come home from camp
| 575,274 |
I had heard that there was a Saudi prince who had used his entire fortune. He had cornered the entire herb and spice market. Every crop was his. He had mortgaged his entire empire to do it. So I had to ask, was he under an immense amount of pressure to sell it all as quickly as possible?
He said
"No, I have all the thyme in the world." | 575,275 |
Can I help you? ** This is a true story **
Bit of background first: I am from a country where English is not the native language. Having said that, since we were colonized by the British close to 150 years people feel inferior if they don’t speak in English, especially in posh public places. One such place is the British Council where people come to use the Library and attend English classes held there.
One fine day I happened to be browsing some magazines in the library when one of my friends came to me and requested help on what he should say in order to talk to the lady at the reception. I basically told him to first say “Good morning, madam can you help me in finding some information on blah blah blah”
Confident after my lesson this guy goes to the reception, says “Good morning, madam can I help you”
| 575,276 |
What do you call the Sloth Police? The SloPo | 575,277 |
What do you call someone who really likes balloons? Autistic. | 575,278 |
A cheerio walks into his boss's office... And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes out, works as hard as he can for a year, and comes back to his boss very satisfied with his work. His boss happily upgrades him to a Honey Nut Cheerio, but upon tasting himself, the Cheerio thinks he still has a lot of room for improvement.
-
The Cheerio says “Boss, I appreciate what you’ve done for me, and not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I think I could still be tastier.” The boss smiles widely, and claps his hands together. “I like your attitude, young man. I tell you what, if you go out and work for two more years, I’ll upgrade you to an Apple Jack.” The Cheerio happily agrees, and speeds out of his boss’s office to get to work. He works hard for two more years, and makes the trip back into his boss’s office. Again, upon receiving the promotion, the Cheerio tastes himself and still thinks he can be better.
-
“Boss,” he says, “I really can’t thank you enough, but I still think I can taste better.” The boss furrows his brow and looks deep into the Cheerio’s eyes. “You’re a real go-getter, boy. If you go out and work for three years, I’ll upgrade you to a Captain Crunch Crunch Berry.” The Cheerio nods his head, and storms out to get back to work. He works hard, harder than he ever has, for those three years, and comes back to his boss for the promotion. He tastes himself again, and is still unimpressed.
-
“Before you say anything,” the Boss interjects, “I’ll assume you’re still not satisfied. I want to extend the opportunity to upgrade to a Lucky Charms Marshmallow, but only if you go out and work for four more years.” The Cheerio goes home, thinks about his boss’s proposal, and comes back the next day ready to accept. He goes and works diligently for four years, and when he comes back he can definitely taste the difference. The strolls into his boss’s office proudly and sits down. “Boss, I taste amazing. I mean seriously, I might be the tastiest cereal ever. Thank you.”
-
The boss laughs. “Not quite, son. If you want, you can go out to work for five years and become a Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But if you do, you’ll never be able to become a Reese’s Puff.” The Cheerio wracks his brain for a decision taking weeks to weigh the two options, and eventually concludes that no matter what he has to give up, he wants to become a Cinnamon Toast Crunch. He goes out and dedicates five years of his life to becoming a Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and when he comes back into his boss’s office, he is almost unbearably delicious.
-
“Boss, I’ve hit the pinnacle of tastiness. I doubt that in all my years of life, I’ve ever tasted anything so good, and doubt I’ll ever taste anything better.” The boss slowly shakes his head, smiling. “Listen. Only one cereal on Earth has done what I’m about to suggest, but I think you have the chops to make it a reality. If you go out and work for ten years, I can almost guarantee you to become a Honeycomb.” Picking his jaw up off the ground, the Cheerio happily and eagerly accepts. He goes out and works. For ten years, sleeping very little, eating even less, ignoring friends, family, and any other obligation, he does nothing but work for ten long years, and the Cheerio staggers back into his boss’s office successful. His boss upgrades him to a Honeycomb, and those ten years of hard labor instantly becomes more than worth it.
-
His boss is floored. “Son, I had my doubts about you, but now there’s nothing more I can give you. Well done.” The Cheerio, feeling like the tastiest thing in the universe, proudly leaves his boss’s office and goes into the open world. However, working for twenty-five years made the Cheerio incredibly thirsty, so he makes the trip to the most popular store in town, the milk store. The line stretches out of the door and around the corner, so the Cheerio decides to drink something else. He goes to the water store, and though the line is definitely shorter, there’s still a hundred people waiting in front of him. He figures he could probably go somewhere else before the line clears, so he decides to go to the punch store. One he arrives, he remembers that he hates punch, but he isn’t going to go anywhere else because there’s no punch line. | 575,279 |
I just learned that half of Asian-Americans have cataracts. The other half drive a Rincoln. | 575,280 |
Being married is like playing cards If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. | 575,281 |
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!! | 575,282 |
What type of truck takes a very long time to reach its destination? A log n truck. | 575,283 |
Where can you get justice with a side of fries? The food court. | 575,284 |
An old man dies. His dog lies down next to him and died also. And so, they find themselves above the clouds near the Pearly gates and a sign "Herein lies Heaven. Absolutely no dogs allowed."
He doesn't enter and goes further. They walk down a road and see other gates, with no sign on them, and a bearded man sitting on a bench nearby.
"Excuse me,…" he says.
"Peter."
"Peter, what are these gates?"
"These lead to heaven."
"And what were those?"
"Oh, those were to hell, we don't tolerate fuckers who abandon friends here" | 575,285 |
A hunting story. So three buddies were on a hunting trip in the mountains. It had been an exhausting trip but they had managed to kill a couple of dear and were back at their campsite late at night. One of them was facing the dilemma of answering nature's call or just simply crashing into his sleeping bag for the night. By sheer force of will he dragged himself from his bed and out to the outhouse to do some paperwork. However, being as tired as he was, he fell asleep on the pot.
The next morning his friends awoke early and noticed him missing. They searched the camp-sight and finally found him snoring on the toiled. They decided to prank their hapless friend by putting the Deer guts down the outhouse, the idea being to make several jokes on the way home about how he had taken such a colossal shit over the night that he pooped his guts out. That done they headed back to the cabin and waited.
15 minutes later they hear their friend runs into the cabin and says "You guys will never believe it, Last night, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the can and pooped my guts out. But, thanks to my brute force, and this stick, I got them back in." | 575,286 |
The wife was having a go at me... The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it."
"I don't know what you mean. Sit down, luv, and let's talk about it."
That's when I pulled her chair away. | 575,287 |
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1 | 575,288 |
What do sluts shower them selves in? Cum........
I'm sorry a friend told me this and i thought it was so bad i needed to post it. | 575,289 |
Why doesn't 10 like it when other numbers seem odd? Because it was right next to the ones that did 9/11. | 575,290 |
My son said he wanted to get into organized crime when he grew up. "Government or private sector?" | 575,291 |
What does an Asian person say when asked, "does the carpet match the drapes?" I don't have a carpet; I have an Oriental rug. | 575,292 |
What did the nucleus say to get the electron up? Up and atom! | 575,293 |
A Man and his Wife are setting up a Facebook account together He inputs the password as "mypenis."
His wife falls off her chair laughing as he stares blankly at the computer screen.
"Error. Not Long Enough." | 575,294 |
When life gives you lemons . . . demand to see life's manager. | 575,295 |
What's R Kelly's favorite word? Peon. | 575,296 |
Can "agroaner" or "groaners" please be a jokes subsubreddit. http://i.imgur.com/q334iSV.jpg from WTF | 575,297 |
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion He was outstanding in his field. | 575,298 |
Whats the difference between the Titanic and EA servers. The Titanic only went down once. | 575,299 |
i was cutting boards at work... i was cutting boards at work, as i went to bring my saw down to do a cut a rabbit jumped right on the cutting table and got cut right in half, my boss ran over and said "you just chopped that rabbit in half" and i said "no i cut it in half" to which he responded "now you are just splitting hairs | 575,300 |
Why did Bob disagree with communism? He thought it was such Bolshevik. | 575,301 |
What did the hungry computer programmer say? All I want is one byte. Hell, I'll even take a nibble. | 575,302 |
What did the depressed, illiterate pepperoni slice say when asked where he was with his life? Well it pizza heck out of me. | 575,303 |
I was looking for some camo jokes but I couldn't find any | 575,304 |
Why does it say TRD on that Toyota truck? Because it's a turd! | 575,305 |
Three people walk into a bar. First person: I want the largest glass of beer you have.
Second person: You want the largest glass of beer we have?
Third person: He wants the largest glass of beer you have. | 575,306 |
I heard that the drummer for Lynyrd Skynrd died in a car accident... Guess he wasn't a Street Survivor. | 575,307 |
What did the little Chinese boy get for Christmas? Rice. | 575,308 |
What language does a patio speak? Porch-uguese
| 575,309 |
What are your thoughts on monorails? They make decent one-liners. | 575,310 |
Soulmates The other day I sold my soul to the devil and now we're mates. | 575,311 |
Why did the Korean restaurant have a lesbian appreciation day? Because they know they love to eat pussy! | 575,312 |
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalottapuss!
*credit goes to my brother-in-law who recently told me that one | 575,313 |
What do you call a blind asian man A blind asian man you racist shit | 575,314 |
What do you get when you cross a magician and a barber? Someone who pulls something out of thin hair! | 575,315 |
Guy on a bus So a guy gets on a bus, sees a very attractive woman sitting towards the back and goes over to sit next to her. He sits down, says hello and tries to make small talk, but she just keeps disregarding him and telling him off. So the guy gives up and goes to sit in the front of the bus near the bus driver. The middle aged, male bus driver says "Hey I saw what just happened. Don't beat yourself up over it, she takes this bus everyday, this happens to every guy who tries to talk to her. The guy says "I wonder why?" The bus driver responds "Well, I know for a fact that she's super religious so that might have something to do with it. I also know that she goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night to pray to God. Some people have seen her there and heard her saying things like she wishes to be the mother of the next Christ." The man says "That seems a bit odd." The bus driver replies "True, but think about it, you could use this situation to your advantage. If you go to the cemetery dressed as the lord, you'll probably get lucky." The man excitedly replies "Yeah you're right, thanks!" So when Tuesday night came around the guy dressed like Jesus, but with a hood on to hide his identity and went to the cemetery. Just as the bus driver said, he saw the woman dressed as a nun praying in front of a statue of Jesus. He hears her speak "Please Lord, please, my only wish is to be the mother of the second coming of your son." The guy takes advantage of the situation and responds to her. "I have heard your prayers and have come to fulfill your wish. Excitedly she says "Oh thank you Lord! You have no idea how happy this makes me, but before we get started, I request that we have anal sex first." The man, super happy about this agrees. He lifts up the gown and starts to have anal sex with her.
As he finishes, he removes his hood and says "Ha! I'm the guy from the bus." They remove their hood, "Ha! I'm the bus driver!" | 575,316 |
What mental disorder did the serial killer who stabbed his victim 23 times have? OCD. | 575,318 |
Why did the eskimo spend 3 hours arguing with the return counter? Because the warranty is void if the seal is broken. | 575,319 |
Just came into a HUGH sum of money... I'm an ant and its a penny. | 575,320 |
A man feels like life was just sucked out of him .. Then he remembered the killer BJ he just got from his GF | 575,321 |
Have you ever heard Yoko Ono sing? Lennon really dodged a bullet with that one. | 575,322 |
Do you masturbate to horse porn? Neigh | 575,323 |
Valar morghulis the feminist extremists' motto. | 575,324 |
Yo momma so fat... Yo momma so fat when she talks to herself its a long distance call.
| 575,325 |
The nun got pregnant at the Church's Halloween party. I told her not to dress up as an altar boy... | 575,326 |
Why are Asian students so smart? Because they keep trying to take Engrish classes but end up in Engineering. | 575,327 |
My girlfriend and I have an intimate relationship, but she got upset when I was using her toothbrush. So I just said 'Hey, if YOU have a better way to get dogshit out of sneakers...' | 575,328 |
Want to hear a racist joke? Just kidding, i'm not racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people. | 575,329 |
I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever they said, "No, just till the end of June". | 575,330 |
When the jazz is really strong http://dlvr.it/9KT9Y6 | 575,331 |
Did you hear Richie Benaud died today? It happened this morning at twooo:twentytoooo | 575,332 |
IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR RUNNING? If you answered no, you need to have that repaired as soon as possible. Many of your perishables that depend on the cold to stay fresh may expire and become unusable. This can become costly, having a faulty refrigeration system and continuing to throw away food as the appliance goes in and out of use. Below I have included a link to a refrigerator repair service.
http://www.searshomeservices.com/refrigerators/repair?psid=70107908%3F&sid=HSRx20100514x0026&gclid&utm_source=msn&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Repair+-refrigerator&OVMTC=e&OVKEY=refrigerator+repair&url_id=70107908&device=c | 575,333 |
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care. | 575,334 |
My friend is addicted to Time-Travelling But he reckons he can stop at any time. | 575,335 |
How do you know if a Chinese man has robbed your house? Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later, he's still trying to back out of your driveway. | 575,337 |
FENCE OF LOVE A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by visiting fence against which they first made love.
The husband says, "Come on, for old times' sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.
Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."
His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!" | 575,338 |
Why did a kid throw the butter out of the window? To see the butterfly!
I ll jump out of the window now! | 575,339 |
There's a band called 1023mb They haven't had any gigs yet. | 575,340 |
Why are blondes and tornadoes so alike? Because at first there's alot of sucking and blowing and then you lose your house | 575,341 |
My ex-wife was deaf. she left me for a deaf friend of hers i should have seen the signs. | 575,342 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? Friend told me about this one a while ago
A: Why did the chicken cross the road?
B: Why?
A: To get to the stupid man's house on the other side
B: ....
A: Knock Knock
B: Who's there?
A: The chicken | 575,343 |
Why are grapes so fun to go clubbing with? Because they're always raisin the roof. | 575,344 |
My boss fired an employee unexpectedly today and everyone wants to know why... I think it's because he was caught with a bag of cocaine. But regardless, our boss told us to keep our noses out of it. | 575,345 |
I was accused of plagiarism... Their words, not mine | 575,346 |
How I display my dominance I like to sit and eat goldfish in front of Mr. Bubbles to show him who's boss. | 575,347 |
What do ghosts use to predict the future? Horror-scopes! | 575,348 |
How do you beat a Marine? Take him to a spelling B | 575,349 |
Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper? Because they like to get in touch with their inner self. | 575,350 |
"I bought some dodgy steroids last week and I grew another penis" "Anabolic?"
"No, just the penis" | 575,351 |
what did the serial killer spill to the victim i would tell you but id have to kill you | 575,352 |
I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl. I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages. | 575,353 |
Have you seem the movie "constipation"? Of course not, it hasn't come out yet!
-Repost from r/funny- | 575,354 |
Who was the first black guy to admit he was the father? Darth Vader. | 575,355 |
What do you call a Native American who graduated from med school? A doctor, you racist! | 575,356 |
What do you call a stupid asshole? Ignoranus | 575,357 |
Recently a man had to go to the hospital... ...to have his wedding ring cut off of his dick after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your mistress find out you're married
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your dick
3) Or finding out your dick fits through your wedding ring. | 575,359 |
Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg? Neither. The rooster did. | 575,360 |
The difference between Athiest, Agnostic, and Secular God only knows | 575,361 |
Where is the highest concentration of jews? In the stratosphere | 575,362 |
Q: What does a nosy pepper do? A: Get's jalapeño business | 575,363 |
How do you cancel your appointment at the spermicides bank? You call and say you can't cum.
Edit:typo | 575,364 |
What did the black boy say when he had diarrhea? ''I'm melting!'' | 575,365 |
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it'd be R, but his true love be the C. | 575,366 |
A guy was getting all the question right in class... Girl: Jeez what a F***ing nerd
Teacher: WOW cut it out, one day he could be your boss
Nerd: Highly unlikely, i don't plan on being a pimp
Everyone was like DAMMMMNNNNNN!
| 575,367 |
fml a skeliton was walking down the street, a man walked up to him and said: what are you doing? and he said: I'm just seeing if people noticed that i spelt skeleton wrong at the start | 575,368 |
what do you call 2 mexicans on a fire truck? Jose and Jos-B
this was always my mom's favorite joke, R.I.P. Mom | 575,369 |
How is a Buddhist monk and a bumblebee alike? They are both peaceful, but when pissed off have a tendency to burn. | 575,371 |
Joke by former president Calvin Coolidge The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm. When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge." | 575,372 |
A friend of mine once said all bars and clubs are haunted... It must be because of all the spirits | 575,373 |
I know I'm about to be hit with tomatoes but.......What's a pirates favorite animal? An Aardvark. | 575,374 |
Did you hear that Grey Poupon is opening a university? It's called Poupon U | 575,375 |
What is the singular form of binoculars? telescope | 575,376 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.