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I'm developing a new Christmas movie... We're in the primal stages and at the moment we're just casting for elves and the elves have to be naughty. I won't be looking for somebody to play Santa though.
The movie will be called Rebel without a Claus, message me if interested. | 575,168 |
What do you call it when you're scratching your cat's neck and ignoring that it's pissing her off? Nape culture. | 575,169 |
What's the difference between a four-year-old and a bag of cocaine? There's no way Eric Clapton would let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window! | 575,171 |
Edgy Knock knock joke Knock knock.
Who's there?
The pilot. Let me in | 575,172 |
I got my wife her Christmas present For Christmas I got her a pair of shoes. If she doesn't like the vibrator she can go take a hike.
No, that's not it...
If she doesn't like the shoes she can go fuck herself.
(Heard it on Craig Ferguson's stand-up special) | 575,173 |
A woman takes her parrot to the vet. The vet takes one look at the motionless bird and accurately informs the woman that it has died, and that there will be no charge for her appointment.
The woman is indignant. "You didn't even examine him! Aren't there tests you're supposed to run or something?"
The vet replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, but your parrot is dead."
But, the woman persists. After some futile arguing, the vet heads to the back room and comes back with a feline and a canine.
The canine walks over to the parrot, sniffs it paws at it a bit, looks back to the vet, and goes back to sitting at the doctor's side.
The feline goes over, looks over the bird, turns it over with a paw, smelling the corpse thoroughly. Disappointed that it is not going to put up a fight, the feline slinks away to take a nap instead.
"Like I said, ma'am, it's dead. That will be $400."
"WHAT?! You said there would be no charge!"
"There wasn't going to be, but that was before you demanded a lab report and a cat scan!" | 575,174 |
Why doesn't Jaime Lannister want to be King of Westeros anymore? He's afraid of losing his Hand. | 575,175 |
Why are hurricanes always named after white people? Because white people destroy everything. | 575,176 |
Why can't they gamble in Africa? Because there are too many Cheetahs | 575,177 |
How does Bran Stark enter a brothel? With a Hodor | 575,178 |
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged a little | 575,179 |
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape | 575,180 |
I like my coffee like I like the slaves Free
Edit: people down voting freed slaves? | 575,181 |
If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring? Hundreds of years of disease and genocide. | 575,182 |
What are the 2 sexiest farm animals? Brown chicken, brown cow. | 575,183 |
What do you call a sexy engineering marvel? A Hoover DAMN!! | 575,184 |
Why was the princess unsatisfied with her sex life? Han always shoots first. | 575,185 |
A journalist visits a mental hospital A journalist visits a mental hospital for reporting and asks the doctor, how do you determine if a patient is mentally ill.
DOCTOR: Well, we first fill a bathtub with water till the top. We then give a teaspoon, a glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub.
JOURNALIST: Obviously a normal person would use the BUCKET because it's bigger.
DOCTOR: No, you're silly! A normal person would pull the DRAIN PLUG! Nurse, admit this in Ward 7!!! | 575,186 |
How do you stop a Mexican tank? You shoot the people pushing it. | 575,187 |
Swedish Fish They aren't sweet, just sweet-ish. | 575,188 |
What do midgets and dwarfs have in common? Just a little | 575,189 |
I like my comedy how I like my milk..... dry. | 575,190 |
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one that had a dream got assassinated | 575,191 |
My black friend asked me if there was a coloured printer today in the library.. I said "Dude, what the fuck? It's 2015, you can use whatever printer you want." | 575,192 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? A black guy was following her. | 575,193 |
IDENTIFYING BUBBA Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'" | 575,194 |
How did Harry Potter get down the hill to hogwarts? By walking..... JK Rowling! | 575,195 |
You know what's pretty much the same as 9/11? 0.81818 | 575,196 |
An elderly man was out on a drive... An elderly man was out on a drive when he received a phone call from his wife.
"Honey, be careful. I just heard on the radio that one idiot out there is driving the wrong way on the highway."
To which he replied, "Are you kidding me? There are hundreds of them!" | 575,197 |
My wife and I are into S&M She sleeps and I masturbate :( | 575,198 |
What do you call a one-eyed deer? I have no eye deer... | 575,199 |
What's the best angle to tackle a problem? The try-angle | 575,200 |
My joke Did you hear about the procrastinator telling a joke.
Answer. I,l tell you later. | 575,201 |
I'm a really big supporter of gay marriage... Mostly because I believe one day there will be a law that will allow you to shoot gay guys. And when that day comes, it will be much easier to find them. | 575,202 |
The Angel Atop The Tree Tradition One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began. | 575,203 |
My dad has the heart of a lion And a life time ban from the San Diego Zoo. | 575,204 |
A buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says. . . "Make me one with everything." | 575,205 |
Whoever manufactures police body cameras... ...will be a billionaire when they realize their sales would skyrocket if they marketed them as civilian body cameras, since police forces won't ever fully implement them. | 575,206 |
Why did the Carpenters wife leave him? Because he was screwing around. | 575,207 |
We may not be able to call black people the N-word But we can say things like "hey dad" and "have a nice day officer." | 575,208 |
My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt | 575,209 |
What do a totalitarian mallard and a potato in an air vent have in common? They're both duct-taters (sorry) | 575,210 |
Long ago I got my first job as a circumciser. The pay was not much but I collected a lot of tips. | 575,211 |
Where do black Jewish people go ? The back of the furnace. | 575,212 |
Bang Bang There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the enemies, and go 'Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young recruit.
The sergeant tapes a stick to the handle end of the broom. "Here, use this. Just go, 'Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his stick. Suddenly, a soldier charges at him. The recruit points the stick. "Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead.
More enemies appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bang Bang! Bang Bang!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens!
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit.
The enemy soldier keeps coming.
"Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bang Bang! Stab Stab!"
It's no use. The enemy keeps coming! He stomps the recruit into the ground. As the recruit lays there dying he hears the soldier saying "Tank Tank. Tank Tank." | 575,213 |
I walked in to the library today... and asked if they had the new book on tiny penises. The librarian responded "I don't think it is in yet." I said, "That's the one." | 575,214 |
What has 72 teeth and can hold back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper. | 575,216 |
Girls are a lot like universities... I spend hours looking at them, only to realise I can't get into any of them. | 575,217 |
I like my lovers like I like my golf score Hand drawn, messy, and totally unconvincing. | 575,218 |
Just kidding Girl: I'm breaking up with you.
Boy: Ok, then let me remove the like from all your fb DP's.
Girl: Oh! Come on! Don't be mad. I was just kidding. | 575,219 |
R/jokes... you dissapoint me Now, I'm writing this because of a joke you all voted to the front today. It was "why don't Indians like snow? " "because it's white and on their land" ... This is an ooooolllldddd joke from a meme that everyone's seen a thousand times. Yet, while we all bitch about reposts we award this guy ( who I'm assuming isn't the original creator) 2000+ upvotes. I see jokes I've never heard thay are funny and that dont break 100 upvotes but he reminds you of this meme and *poof*- front page. So yeah, r/jokes dissapoint me. -end rant.
That being said....
where do frogs come from?
..
..
...
..
..
...
..
They're German and a tad-polish. | 575,220 |
Why wasn't Cinderella good at sports? Because her coach was a pumpkin | 575,221 |
Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows. | 575,222 |
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's OK now. | 575,223 |
A Purple and a Grey walk into a bar... The bartender says "what'll it be, boys?"
The grey is indecisive and thinks long and hard about his decision.
A little annoyed, the bartender turns to the purple.
^^^.
^^^.
^^^.
But he was already passed out on the bathroom floor.
^^^.
^^^.
^^^.
Credit /u/etaipo from /r/thebutton visit the [original](http://redd.it/3237u2)
I'm sorry this wooshes so many, I thought it was well known. Anyhow [here's](http://redd.it/31v79j) a few news articles about the button. or you could follow the /r/thebutton and see what all the fuss is about, Just don't press the button until you know what you're doing. | 575,224 |
Jokes about German sausages... ...are the Wurst | 575,225 |
You know what Taylor Swift said when her Mom told her she had cancer? Shake It Off! | 575,226 |
What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forest1 | 575,227 |
A lady goes to the doctor's office, her face blue and purple with bruises. The doctor greets her, "Ma'am, this isn't the first time you've been in here like this. In order to help you, you need to let me know what happened."
The lady looks up, her mascara still streaked down her cheeks. "My husband... He will go drinking with his friends every weekend until 2 or 3 in the morning... And when he gets home I try to talk to him about it. He - he just doesn't listen and... sometimes things get rough. I don't know what to do about it!"
The doctor mulls over this, asking a few more questions. "Ma'am," he says, "Here's what you'll do next time. When you hear your husband pulling up to your house, get a tall glass of ice tea, take a mouthful, and swish. Just like you were using mouthwash - just keep swishing from cheek to cheek until he goes to sleep. Do that, then come back in a few weeks for a follow-up."
The lady looks at him a little strangely, but agrees.
Some time passes, and the lady comes back. She's smiling and got a bounce in a step. "Doc," she says, "I don't get it! I did exactly like you said, and sure enough, we haven't had any problems since then. In fact, things seem to have gotten better between us! How did you know that would work?"
"Well," the doctor says, "When your husband got home, it kept your mouth shut, didn't it?" | 575,228 |
How does good deodorant smell? Odorable. | 575,229 |
Two hunters are walking in the forest One hunter says to the other,
"DUCK! THERE's A DEER BEHIND YOU!"
The other hunter, however does not duck, and is subsequently shot.
He falls to the ground, and the shooter immediately calls 9-1-1.
Before the operator can say anything, he screams, "HELP HELP I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD!"
The operator says, "Well, first lets make sure he actually dead."
Another gunshot rings through the forest.
The hunter then says, "What should I do now?" | 575,230 |
Not sure if you'll appreciate Russian humour KGB stop a man at a checkpoint in Leningrad and question him on his passport. "Tovarish! Where were you born?"
"St. Petersburg" he replies.
Not amused they ask "Where did you study?"
"Petrograd" comes the answer
Getting quite annoyed they ask where he now lives.
"Leningrad"
"Ok asshole would you like to live in Gulag?"
He replies "I'd rlike to live in St. Petersburg" | 575,231 |
I told my mate that my newborn baby's stomach was the size of a walnut. . . . "Just feed him a walnut then." | 575,232 |
"Knock, Knock!" "Who's there?"
"The Pilot, let me in!" | 575,233 |
I got fired from the orange juice factory. I couldn't concentrate. | 575,234 |
When does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage? When he gets tired of his own hand. | 575,235 |
A girl meets a black man During a party a woman meets a black man, after a small talk while being drunk and horny the girl says to the black man: could you please show if it is true what they say about black men?, the man gets closer and whispers: "I'll gladly do it", they look each other and smile, after a brief pause, the man stabs her and run away with her purse. | 575,236 |
A police officer pulls over a driver... A police officer pulls over a driver and
informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?" | 575,237 |
I never understood terrorists... They commit suicide and might get 72 virgins, but they should just become priests and have them now! | 575,238 |
How do you know you are at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like shit | 575,239 |
I'm turning to Reddit to help crowdsource an OC joke about defective condoms but it's all been a bust. You pricks keep poking holes in it. | 575,240 |
Waitress: Have i kept you waiting long? Me: No, but did you know there are 3,296 squares on the ceiling. | 575,241 |
why did god make girls so stupid? so that they would love boys | 575,242 |
An Ol' Timer is passing on his wisdom to a Young'n... and they get to talking about the generational gap in the fashion industry.
"Back in my day," says the old fogey, "we kept our shoes shined and our handkerchiefs squared."
"Well, we keep our shoes clean and don't let em crease!" retorts the lad.
"Hmnph. You kids all dress like you live on the streets. When was the last time you wore a tie?"
The kid chirps up "I wore a tie to my middle school graduation!"
"Middle school graduation, lord save me," snorts gramps, "Well, with kids you age wearing their pants around their ankles, I guess this needs to be asked. Do you wear boxershorts or briefs?"
"I wear boxers. What do you wear?" asks the youngster.
"Depends." | 575,243 |
What is the worst icebreaker? The Titanic | 575,244 |
How does every racist joke start? By looking over your shoulder. | 575,245 |
I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work. She got fired too. | 575,246 |
Bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. | 575,247 |
How did the investigators discover that a serial killer had dandruff? They found head & shoulders in his bathroom. | 575,248 |
Tuna walks into a sushi restaurant... ...says to the chef, "Hey, you killed my father!" Chef says to the tuna, "That's my business, fish."
Tuna thinks about it, says "Then i challenge you to a game of chess. If i win, you stop being a chef forever." "And if i win?" asks the chef. "Then you can feed me to your customers." tuna replies. And so the chef and the tuna play chess.
Now as well know, Tuna are adept chess players, so in a few moves the chef is checkmated. "Looks like i win!" says the tuna. Chef nods and plunges his knife into the fish's belly.
"But i won!" says the tuna, with the knife wriggling in his gut. "So did your father." says the chef. | 575,249 |
What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it. | 575,250 |
f (x) walks into a bar... The barman says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions" | 575,251 |
Two atoms are walking down the street... And the first one says "shit man, i dropped an electron!"
"Are you sure?" Says the second one.
"Yeah, im positive!" | 575,252 |
Dick van Dyke's surgery Welcome to Dick van Dyke's surgery! I'm afraid it's bad news. You've got supercalifragilisticextreme-halitosis. | 575,253 |
The after spring break in a 1st grade classroom The teacher tells the class that to have a little fun everybody is going to get to tell a story, it doesn't have to be over their spring break, but it does have to have a moral.
The first kid stands up and says that "I once went to my grandparents farm. Their chickens laid eggs and we put them all in an incubator. We counted 20 eggs but only 15 of them hatched. The moral to my story is to not count your chickens before they hatch."
The next kid stand up and says, "I went to my grandparents farm one time too! When our chickens laid eggs we put them all in a big basket in the back of the truck to take them back to the farm house. On the way we hit a bump in the road and all of our eggs fell out! The moral to my story is not put all your eggs in one basket."
The teacher says good job and the next kid stood up to tell a story. "My dad was in the Vietnam war and his helicopter got shot out of the air. All he had in the helicopter was a parachute, a machete, a machine gun with 50 rounds of ammunition, and a 12 pack of beer. As he floated down he drank the entire 12 pack of beer, and when he finally landed on the ground he was surrounded by 100 Vietcong. He killed the first 50 with his machine gun, the next 30 with his machete, and the last 20 in hand to hand combat"
The kid finished his story there and sat down. The teacher replied, "well that's a pretty good story, but you didn't give a moral."
He stood back up, "the moral to my story is, 'don't fuck with my dad when he's drunk'" | 575,254 |
Indian chicks are far better looking than the ones from the west thanks to our revolutionary poultry farming techniques | 575,255 |
Intensive care toddler One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.
ICU baby, shaking that ass... | 575,256 |
FUCKING GOOFY!! Mickey Mouse sits in divorce court. The judge looks to him and says: "you cant't divorce Mini because you say she's crazy. Mikey looks to the judge and says: I never said she was crazy judge, I said she's FUCKING GOOFY!
| 575,259 |
What did the brick say to the rock? Nothing, it's just a brick, what's wrong with you. | 575,260 |
How many controlled oposition does it take to change a light bulb? None you know of. Since they signed a Non Disclosure Agreement to not talk about it. | 575,261 |
[Warning: Extreme Dad Joke] What does the Pediatrist and the Priest have in common? Saving Soles | 575,262 |
Rectum? Damn near killed'em Does anyone know the beginning of this joke? I only know the butt of it. | 575,263 |
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they're extinct. | 575,264 |
What do you call an angry pastry? A croissant | 575,265 |
What did the fish say when he hit concrete? Dam(n). | 575,266 |
Walking past a lunatic asylum Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14, | 575,267 |
Sayings are weird People always say, "I caught you red handed" when really the hand is black. | 575,269 |
Never discuss with your wife... ...because all you do is 'diss' and 'cuss' | 575,270 |
What do you do when your deodorant is empty? You go on an antiperspirant. | 575,271 |
A sociopath walks into a bar The bartender asks, "What do you feel like having?"
"Nothing." | 575,272 |
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