text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
|---|---|
3 workmen Three workmen are working on a skyscraper and go to lunch, they sit next to each other on the very top of the building, the first worker says "I've been eating ham sandwiches everyday for the last 3 years, if I get this again I will kill myself." The second and third guy agree since they too have been eating the same thing for far to long.
The next day the first guy opens his lunch box and sees a ham sandwich, right then and there he jumps off the building, the second guy saw a ham sandwich in his bag and then proceeded to jump off the building, and lastly, the third guy opened his bag and saw a ham sandwich, then killed himself
The three wives all have a funeral for the men and then meet, the first wife says" I don't know why he didn't jus tell me, I would of made something else If I knew this would happen!" The second wife says" I could've sworn he loved ham sandwiches, why didn't he just tell me that he hated them that much" however the the third wife was furious and upset, she said" Well u don't understand why the FUCK my husband killed himself, he made his own god damn lunch!" | 575,378 |
What causes arthritis? A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here, that the Pope does." | 575,379 |
I'm glad I haven't seen any German sausage jokes.. they are just the wurst! | 575,380 |
What does a mathematician do when he is constipated? He works it out with a pencil. | 575,381 |
Chemistry Joke: What is "Me"+"U"... A rare gathering. | 575,382 |
What it Princess Zelda's favorite food? Hot Links | 575,383 |
How do you get a date on Tinder? Seriously guys, I've been trying for months so if anyone have any useful tips it would be much appreciated. | 575,384 |
I'm an Asian male who scored a 2300 on the SAT I still don't know if i met my parents' expectASIANs. | 575,385 |
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide they need to try and spice up their sex lives... that night all three will wear a leather corset, stilettos, and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather corset, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you... then we made love all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather corset, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'" | 575,386 |
Priest is an acronym for... Professional
Rapist
In
Every
Small
Town | 575,387 |
A mouse falls into a deep puddle A mouse falls into a deep puddle in the middle of the road. He cries out "Help, help!" A rabbit comes driving by in a Porsche and says "What seems to be the problem?" The mouse responds with "The puddle is too deep, I can't get out." The rabbit opens the trunk of his Porsche and pulls out a long rope which he gives to the mouse. He tells the mouse to hold on as he ties the rope to the bumper and pulls the mouse out. The next day the mouse is walking along and falls into the puddle again, again yelling "Help! Help!" This time a horse walks by and says again "What seems to be the problem?" The mouse says again "The puddle is too deep, I can't get out." The horse thinks for a second and says "Okay I have a plan." He stands over the puddle and lowers his member into the reach of the mouse and tells the mouse to grab on and pulls him out. The moral of the story? You don't need a Porsche if you're hung like a horse. | 575,388 |
Jew joke Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Their women won't touch anything that's not 20% off | 575,389 |
If there's one thing my English major girlfriend has taught me, It's what a colon does. | 575,390 |
Walter Scott walked into a bar Walter Scott walked into a large and busy bar asking the bouncer to point him to the bartender who would pour the stiffest drink. The bouncer replied “You can get 4 shots in the back, it’ll be tequila." | 575,391 |
Why do you put a fence around a graveyard? Because people are dying to get in! | 575,392 |
I bought a new flat last week... I use it as my spare. | 575,393 |
Gelding Ahmed's Camel As a merchant in the caravan business, Ahmed was well aware that a neutered camel can go longer and further without water than one which has not been neutered. But although he knew he was losing money, he couldn't bear the thought of inflicting such pain on his lead camel, which was really more of a pet than a beast of burden.
Walking through a bazaar one day he found the solution to his dilemma: a sign which read, "CAMELS GELDED WITHOUT PAIN." Making inquires of the stall's proprietor, he was assured that the operation was quick and absolutely painless. There would be no suffering. A price was negotiated and the merchant returned the next day with his favorite camel in tow.
The camel gelder picked up two bricks, approached the camel from the rear, took aim, and smashed the bricks together with a sound like a thunderclap. With a bellow of agony, the camel collapsed to its knees.
The merchant was horrified. "You promised it would be painless!" he cried, cradling his camel's head.
"Well, it is," explained the gelder, "so long as you don't get your
thumbs caught between the bricks." | 575,394 |
"Why do they call it orange juice, it's not even orange?" — Color blind people | 575,395 |
What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait? 2B or not 2B? | 575,396 |
A little boy was doing terribly in school. The boy had done poorly in school his whole life and nothing seemed to work. He went from school to school and tutor to tutor but no one could work with him. He wasn't getting in to trouble or doing drugs he just wasn't to smart and couldn't find the motivation to get himself to work.
After going to just about every school in the city there was only one school left that would accept him. It was a Catholic school. The family wasn't religious but they knew the value of an education so they sen't him there anyways.
After the first day of school, the boy comes home with a very serious face and heads straight upstairs to his room. His parents only thoughts were "not again", and left him be till dinner. When his mother went to retrieve him she opened his door and saw that he was hard at work doing his homework. Something he had never done before. Without saying anything about the homework they headed downstairs and ate dinner.
Both the mother and father both had their doubts about how hard he would continue to work on his school work but sure enough day after day he would come home and do nothing but do his school work. His parents were stunned but stayed to themselves and let their son work thinking surely the result will be the same.
After the first quarter of school and a lot of anticipation from the parents, the boy finally came home with his report card. He walked in the door, set the report card on the table, and went straight up to his room. His mother opened the report card and to their surprise he had straight A's and B's. Shocked she had to go speak to her son. She went up stairs into his room where he was back doing homework again.
"Ok, I have to ask, are they beating you?"
"No", he said as he kept focused on his homework.
"Is it the nuns?"
"No."
"Well then, WHAT was it? The books? The uniforms? Are the other students teasing you? WHAT WAS IT?"
The boy raised his head from his homework and says, "well, on the first day when I saw that man nailed to a plus sign I knew they meant business."
| 575,397 |
What gets you a downvote? Reposting an old joke that wasn't funny the first time.
What gets you an upvote?
Posting an original joke, or a funny joke I've heard before.
What get's you 5 upvotes?
Being /u/Unidan | 575,398 |
Have you heard the one about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic? He would lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog. | 575,399 |
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says, "No", and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says, "No", and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says, "No", and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!''' | 575,400 |
A man wants to take his wife hunting. A man wakes up one morning to go hunting, and he wanted to bring his wife, but she always said no.
So he goes in the bedroom and kicks the bed to wake her up, and he tells her, "You have 3 choices."
"You can get fuck up and go hunting, you can give me a blowjob, or you can take it up the ass. I'm gonna load the dogs in the truck, and when I get back, I want your answer."
When the man comes back he said, "Alright, what's it gonna be?"
She looks at him for a moment and says "Well I really don't want to go with you, so I guess I'll just give you a blowjob."
He says ok, and drops his pants, and when she gets started she says "UGH! You taste like shit, what the hell is wrong with you!?" He looks at her and says "Yeah well, the dogs didn't wanna go either." | 575,401 |
That awkward movement when you... read movement as moment. | 575,402 |
I'm going to be late I'm at the hospital getting my hymen restored, so I'm a bit de-laid. | 575,403 |
If a stack is first in last out and a queue is first in first out, what is a circular queue? First in never out. | 575,404 |
A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck... ... And says "make me one with everything". | 575,405 |
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of old ladies when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about fifteen minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks her: ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’ ‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,’ she replies. ‘We just love the chocolate around them.’ | 575,406 |
What do the state of California and BDSM dungeons have in common? Nothing butt restrictions
(thanks twitter.com/sorryforthelolz) | 575,407 |
My Lesbian neighbors got me a Timex for my birthday They misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch." | 575,408 |
A woman at work today was complaining about only making half of what the men make. I suggested she work twice as hard then. | 575,409 |
the rugby players without a referee weren't keeping up with the news they kept asking "whose put-in?" | 575,410 |
I was shocked to find out that the woman I love was a one-night-stand type of girl. So I went to the furniture store and got her another one. | 575,411 |
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles! | 575,412 |
Good Morning America's Ginger Zee has been checked into a mental hospital Nobody knows what made Ginger snap... | 575,413 |
What's the Hitler Youth's favorite weather? Heil | 575,414 |
I told my girlfriend I could use a little pussy She said "me too, mine's as big as a house."
Credit: Predator (1987) | 575,415 |
First time I had any sexual experience was when I fingered this British girl who turned out to be on her period It was a bloody mess | 575,416 |
Two chemists walk into a bar Two chemists walk into a bar in California. The first guy says to the bartender "I'll have some H20." The second guy says "I'll have some H20 too."
The first guy dies of water poisoning. | 575,417 |
A man calls 911 A man calls 911 and the operator answers..
Operator: Hello this is the police, please state your emergency
Man: Hello there are two women fighting over me please help
Operator: I'm sorry sir, I dont see what the problem is...
Man: The ugly one is winning | 575,418 |
When kids learn to swear. A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'."
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm and they head down stairs.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell, Mom. I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
Mom slaps him -- Whack!
The older boy flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers. "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!" | 575,419 |
[OC] I saw a homeless man with a runny nose, so I gave him some Pepto-Bismol. I hear it's good for a leaky bum. | 575,420 |
A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walks into a bar He orders a beer | 575,421 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. | 575,422 |
[NSFW] A man walks in holding a duck under his arm.... man walks in holding a duck under his arm and says "This is the pig I've been fucking."
His wife replies " That's not a pig it's a duck."
Man says " I was talking to the Duck." | 575,424 |
What is the worst thing about killing a baby? You get blood on your clown suit. Darn! | 575,425 |
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Lee Harvey Oswald | 575,426 |
knock, knock........... HA HA, Made you look | 575,427 |
What did the fat prostitute say to the skinny prostitute? "We really should have made better life choices." | 575,428 |
When i have sex it's a race to see who comes first ... me or the aspca | 575,429 |
In America, people rob banks ... In Soviet Russia, Banks rob you ! :) | 575,430 |
Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land. | 575,431 |
Why was Luke Skywalker banned from all the local pubs... He used excessive force | 575,432 |
I usually piss in my shower combo to save on water But I should really stop taking baths they are so wasteful. | 575,433 |
Knock Knock Who's there?
The pilot | 575,434 |
A man and his wife Husband: I have good news and bad news.
Wife: What's the good news?
Husband: You are my life!
Wife: :D And the bad news?
Husband: Life is terrible! | 575,435 |
I bought a German keyboard the other day but had to sell it I was worried it might be a nazi synthesizer | 575,436 |
Why did no one want to play the mobile game about transexual dwarfs? Because it had micro trans actions | 575,437 |
Old Mother Hubbard Old mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over,
and gave her a bone of his own.
| 575,438 |
What are 8 Hobbits? One hobbyte. | 575,439 |
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died... She was attacked by a giant crab. | 575,440 |
How does every racist joke start? By looking over your shoulder. | 575,441 |
Why did the little boy use his inhaler? "No wheezin'" | 575,442 |
How do you hide an Elephant in a Cherry tree? You paint his toenails red.
Ever see an Elephant in a Cherry tree?
Works pretty well than doesn't it? | 575,443 |
Why did all the other toys throw RaggedyAnn out of the toy box? She kept on sitting on Pinocchio's face yelling "Lie to me, lie to me!" | 575,444 |
My grandad has the heart of a lion... ...and a lifetime ban from the Edinburgh zoo | 575,445 |
What did the pirate get on his report card? Seven C's | 575,446 |
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side. | 575,447 |
A guy gets lost in the desert.... After walking for days and becoming increasingly close to death from dehydration, he has all but one choice. He starts to beg:
- God, I know I haven't been a saint ..... Please don't let me die.... I would really love a drink right about now.
Suddenly, the heavens open and a shovel falls down, followed by a stern command:
- Dig
He digs and to his surprise a fresh water fountain erupts.
- I am no longer thirsty, god.
The voice answers:
-Throw the shovel up.
He does. The shovel vanishes.
The man keeps walking and soon enough he is starving.
- I'd sure love some food right about now, God.
The shovel falls, he is told to dig. It takes much longer than the last time, but eventually some food emerges.
- God, I am full.
- throw the shovel up.
He does. It vanishes.
Now, that the man is fed, he is feeling much more adventurous.
- I'd love a fuck, god.
- Dig.
He digs. For hours and hours and hours.... Giving up eventually:
- God, I am fucked!
- throw the shovel up! | 575,448 |
A UKIP candidate standing in local elections in Bristol has been revealed as a 40-year veteran of the porn industry. Hardly surprising. The first thing I think when I hear, 'UKIP candidate' is always, 'enormous prick'. | 575,449 |
What did the rabbi say when squeezing a young woman's breast? Israel | 575,450 |
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze friken automobile" the German says disbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno. | 575,451 |
Butt sex is a lot like spinach If you're forced to have it as a child, you don't enjoy it as an adult | 575,452 |
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife died.
Also;
what is Forest Gump's password?
1Forest1 | 575,454 |
What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits. | 575,455 |
A friend once told me that aids will not aid you. Now I'm on incapacity benefits I beg to differ. | 575,456 |
I once dated a girl with a conch shell tattooed on her inner thigh... If you put your ear up to it you could smell the ocean | 575,457 |
What is the most-ignored rule in a convent? Lights out at nine, candles out at ten. | 575,458 |
What's the worst thing a girl can wear to bed? A condom | 575,459 |
We're supposed to lose all the trees by 2020 but if we work hard, we can make it by 2018. | 575,460 |
When I was a little kid, I asked the waitress for a quickie My mom had to tell me, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’.” | 575,461 |
What would George "Kingfish" Stevens say about Obama if he were alive today? We is the stuckees. | 575,462 |
Big GTA 5 bug A cop killed my white character in GTA 5. Anyone else experiencing this bug? | 575,463 |
Dark humor is kinda like food. Not everybody gets it. | 575,464 |
After 50 long years, you promise not to tell? A man works at a factory and every day he takes an empty wheelbarrow home after his shift. Each day he walks past a security gate, and each day the security guard standing guard suspiciously inspects the wheelbarrow and lets the man pass.
After 50 long years the guard finally asks the worker, "Look, I'm retiring today. I won't tell anyone, but what have you been stealing all these years?"
Looking over his shoulder the worker replied, "You promise not to say?"
"Yes, I promise." said the guard with a stern look on his face. "I have caught a man stealing a pen for his daughter's homework, a man hiding bread to take home to his hungry family, and even another one taking home water to wash his clothes. You, however, I could not catch. Either you are the most honest or the most ingenious man here."
With a grin on his face the worker looked up at the guard and said, "Okay, well I've been stealing wheelbarrows this whole time. I now have a whole business set up that I don't even need to work here anymore." | 575,465 |
THE BUS DRIVER A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!" | 575,466 |
What is the difference between lesbians and feminsts? lesbians screw other women, feminists screw all men.
Okay okay. What is the difference between prostitutes and feminists?
prostitutes charge men for screwing them, feminists screw men for free.
okay okay okay. what is the difference between sluts and feminists?
when sluts screw men, they both enjoy it. when feminists screw men, only the feminists enjoy it.
okay okay okay okay. what is the difference between dominatrixes and feminists?
dominatrixes stop when they hear a safe word. feminists consider that a sign that victory is near and continue with double efforts.
okay okay okay okay okay. what is the difference between terrorists and feminists?
no feminist is willing to die for the cause.
| 575,467 |
What do you call a rising poll? Upvote | 575,468 |
Why couldn't Dracula ever get a good blow-job? He scared them all spitless. | 575,469 |
What do Romans use to cut pizza Little Caesars | 575,470 |
HITLER ABSTAINS Q. Why didn't Hitler drink tequila?
A. Cause it made him mean. | 575,471 |
What does a white man never want to call a black man that starts with "N" and ends with "R"? Neighbor | 575,472 |
What do you call it when three french cats get into a boat only meant for two? Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq! | 575,473 |
Why did Angelina get wanderlust after her double-masectomy? She just had this breastless feeling. | 575,474 |
Why do sumo wrestles shave their legs? So that you can tell them apart from feminists | 575,475 |
RIP Boiling Water You will be mist | 575,476 |
Penis Joke A penis is like life, its always hard when you don't want it to be | 575,477 |
What's the difference between Haribo candies and blowjobs from an old lady while wearing no condom ? One is gummi bears and the other is gummies bare. | 575,478 |
tonight at 11:45 PST, you will be able to see Uranus with naked eyes you just need to lift your right leg at 45 degree angle,
hold a mirror between your legs,
and there..you will see UR-ANUS | 575,479 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.