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Why did a Stripper run for mayor? Because she did great on the pole | 578,164 |
I like my women like I like my trail mix... With nuts. | 578,165 |
My cremated aunt used to give great advice. She always told me that you have to urn your place in life. | 578,166 |
I always buy Build Your Own 2 pizzas, and throw 5 of the 12 away. 420 Blaze™ it. | 578,167 |
I went to a Norwegian restaurant the other day... The only problem was- I couldn't a-fjord it. | 578,168 |
What did the leper say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip. | 578,169 |
The Germanwings plane was a lot like a small flame used as an ignition source You know, 'cause it was a pilot light | 578,170 |
What does a clam do on his birthday? He Shellabrates! | 578,171 |
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt. | 578,172 |
Court joke "After long deliberation and taking into account the evidence brought forth by the prosecution as well as the accounts of the eye-witnesses, not to mention the lack of any sensible argument or indeed the utter absence of remorse from your side, the jury has unanimously found you guilty on all counts and acco... | 578,173 |
I use to be addicted to soap I'm clean now | 578,174 |
So I was having sex with a girl from work... She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.
Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue. | 578,175 |
What do you call a lump of coal and a diamond hanging out together? Carbon Dating. | 578,176 |
What did the pirate say when he had a steering wheel down his pantaloons? Arr! It's driving me nuts! | 578,177 |
Why was Jesus not born in West Virginia? Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Gf sent me this when she was driving through the state. | 578,178 |
A programmers wife tells him... "Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source. | 578,179 |
What do you call the act of lying about Penis size? A Phallacy | 578,180 |
Why are there so few black baseball players? Because they keep stealing bases. | 578,181 |
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. | 578,182 |
Why did the dyslexic engineer fail college? Because he didn't understand psychics. | 578,183 |
Everything you wish for, your wife gets two of So, I found a magic lamp and the genie said I get 3 wishes but with a catch, everything I wish for, my wife gets double.
My first wish was for a car, my wife gets two cars.
My second wish was for a house, my wife got two houses.
Then for my final wish, I asked t... | 578,184 |
What does a curry and a bad uncle have in common? They both hurt your arsehole | 578,185 |
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogey in it! | 578,186 |
What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP, BANG BANG, CLOP CLOP CLOP? An Amish drive-by shooting | 578,187 |
What do you get when you combine a mountain climber with a mosquito? Nothing! You can't cross scalars and vectors. | 578,188 |
Spring is here and im so excited That I wet my plants...
Ill see myself out | 578,189 |
What can you hear but never see? Everything if you're Stevie Wonder | 578,190 |
I've had a tendency to prove people wrong, all my life... A friend told me he didn't understand how the universe worked, so I became a physicist and explained the wonders of the universe.
A friend of mine didn't understand how plants produce oxygen, so I became a botanist and explained to him the wonders of plants and... | 578,191 |
Knock Knock Knock Knock
Whos there
Daisy
Daisy who
Daisy me rollin they hatin | 578,192 |
Man with premature ejaculation seeks understanding woman. Nevermind, I'm done. | 578,193 |
Everytime this dude goes to a bar, he orders three beers.. .. but he orders the three beers at once, and sits by himself in his chair, enjoying his loneliness, with the three bears before him. He'd drink one, then go the next one, and then the last one.
Since the dude did this day after day, the bartender couldn't hel... | 578,194 |
I popped my dad's viagra now I'm hard as a motherfucker | 578,195 |
Why do men like Haunted Bees? boobees ! :D
I'll show myself out. | 578,196 |
My dad's reasoning for wearing sandals to Church Jesus wore sandals too. | 578,197 |
What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners | 578,198 |
So there was this guy And he was lost in the woods for days eventually he finds this random 2 floor wodden shack and he goes and knocks on the door.
An old Chinese man answers who looks like he was alive when the dinosours ruled the earth.
The young man who was lost explained his situation and begged for food and wat... | 578,199 |
Feeling very homesick. It has shingles. | 578,200 |
What do you call two roosters having a fight? A Cock-a-Doodle-Duel! | 578,201 |
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant. He tells the waiter, "I am starving, and I need tons of food. What ya got?"
The waiter replies, "oh sir we have tons! We have orange chicken, jumbo shrimp, egg rolls, and Dim sum!"
...dim sum... din sum... den sum... IT'S FUNNY! | 578,202 |
So a jewish boy walks into a bar mitzvah | 578,203 |
Why was the Easter Egg so happy? He just got laid by some chick! | 578,204 |
Saying sniggers isn't very politically correct I now say laughrican americans. | 578,205 |
How do you know if someone's an engineer without asking them? Don't worry they'll tell you | 578,206 |
I know the kids don't like you and pick on you, but you have to go to school... you're the teacher! | 578,207 |
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat. | 578,208 |
What do vegetarian dogs eat? Bark! | 578,209 |
Why won't Microsoft hire any maids? Because they don't do Windows | 578,210 |
Why can't a prostitute count to 70? Because 69's a mouthful. | 578,211 |
Airline food is terrible Said the Malaysian shark. | 578,212 |
The Milk Man A milkman is out on his normal rounds when he comes to Ms. Johnson's door step. He notices a note on the door reading: "Larry, Please leave 15 gallons of milk today." Thinking this was a mistake he promptly knocked on the door to see if Ms. Johnson was home. Sure enough, she opened the door to greet Larry.... | 578,213 |
Probably old but one of my favorites. A husband and wife get into a horrible car accident. They are taken to the emergency room. The doctor says to the husband, "you seem to have come out of the accident without a scratch. However, your wife is not so lucky. She has multiple lifelong, debilitating injuries. Becaus... | 578,214 |
4 guys are hanging out And they were really bored. So the Zoophile has an idea to heighten the mood. He tells them, "let's take a cat and let's rape it." The Sadist says "let's take the cat, rape it, and then stab it." The arsonist says "let's take the cat, rape it, stab it, and then set it on fire." After a long pause... | 578,215 |
My friend Gav died of heartburn the other day Gaviscon | 578,216 |
I just told the girl I've been seeing for 2 years how I've felt about her. she's a bitch | 578,217 |
How can tell your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit. | 578,218 |
Singers worry about catching laryngitis... ...but laryngitis worries about catching Tom Waits. | 578,219 |
A Mafia Godfather... ... finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his... | 578,220 |
I finally got hired at the local adult store First day on the job I got a raise! | 578,221 |
A blind rabbit and a blind snake A blind rabbit and a blind snake are roaming around in the woods. The rabbit trips over the snake and the rabbit says "Watch out where you're going! I'm blind"
"Wow, what a coincidence" says the snake. "I'm blind too! What are you?"
"I don't know, I've always been blind why don't you fe... | 578,222 |
The Energizer bunny as been arrested! He was charged with battery.
EDIT: "H" key on my damn keyborad. | 578,223 |
Why do hippies wave their arms around at concerts? To keep the music out of their eyes. | 578,224 |
You know whats the problem with Proctologists.... They always butt in. | 578,225 |
The story of the co-pilot shows what happens if you don't deal with depresion You will just bring down others | 578,226 |
Sherlock & Watson go Camping! Best joke ever ONE of the BEST JOKES EVER!! Hasn't been posted in the last 3 days.. so here it goes!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudg... | 578,228 |
I hate hipsters Their vegan diets, whiskery faces, tiny feet, and sawdust bedding. Oh wait, hamsters, I hate hamsters | 578,229 |
"I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting..." "...but it was canceled due to unforeseen events." | 578,230 |
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage
I do realize this is a sick joke but it still makes me laugh when I hear it. I'm a horrible person | 578,231 |
Oil boom jokes I live in williston nd the center of a big oil boom where the male to female ratio is ridiculous. Making the men rather desperate. Being a fairly attractive female I get hit on relentlessly. So when men start staring at me in the bar I loudly say ,"what? You never seen a tranny before?" Lol in hopes to d... | 578,232 |
Hows a forwardly plural Hitler hailed as? Shitler | 578,233 |
What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line? A barbie queue (BBQ)!
Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad.
http://imgur.com/gallery/he4epJo/
I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to ob... | 578,234 |
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? He only comes once a year | 578,235 |
I was speaking to my friend He was telling me about a plan he had to change all the numbers in the world into roman numerals. I said "Not on my watch" | 578,236 |
A Russian Couple's Nightly Ritual Every evening for 20 years, when Mikhail and Valentina would go to bed, they would take a bottle of vodka out of the nightstand, pour a shot for each, knock it back, and go to sleep.
One night before bed, Mikhail goes to the kitchen to pour a glass of water and admire the beautiful ni... | 578,237 |
Why can't Mexicans play Uno? They always steal the green cards. | 578,239 |
Dont ever look in the drawer! After getting married the new wife moves in with her husband in his house. He gives her the guided tour of the house and tells her that she can open/use anything EXCEPT she is never to open one chest of drawers.
They're happily married for 50 years before the wife's curiosity finally gets... | 578,240 |
Why did dwarf laugh when he walked through a paddock? Because the grass tickled his willy :) | 578,241 |
A math joke? P1: knock knock.
P2: who's there?
P1: Deedee who.
P2: Deedee who who?
P1: one. | 578,242 |
What's the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas? You only get presents from one set of grandparents. | 578,243 |
How can you get hundreds of women wet all at once? Go to a john mayer concert! | 578,244 |
Why is C afraid of every other letter in the alphabet? Because they are not Cs. | 578,245 |
What did Honey Boo Boo's father say after he didn't pull out? Uh oh... I think I made a boo boo. | 578,246 |
Who was Mako Mori's existentialist monk brother? Memento. | 578,247 |
Why did God bless Texas? He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris. | 578,248 |
So i was fucking this midget with one arm (nsfw) Boy, is my arm tired. | 578,249 |
What's yellow and lives off dead beatles? Yoko Ono | 578,250 |
What do you call a boat that gives you nothing but trouble? A woe boat. | 578,251 |
An old blind cowboy... An old blind cowboy accidentally walks into an all female biker bar. He takes a seat at the bar, and blurts out, "Who here wants to hear a dumb-blonde joke?" The whole bar goes quiet for a moment, then the biker next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, there's three things you ought ... | 578,252 |
I bought a guitar recently... I traveled to California recently, along with my dad and wife, to pickup an electric guitar I have been searching for a few months. On the way back, at a rest stop, I felt nervous about leaving an expensive guitar along with my dad and wife to fend for themselves. So I asked my dad to fo... | 578,253 |
Well, they warned me that I'd go blind if I kept doing that... Sitting too close to the TV. | 578,254 |
What do you call a snake that tells bad jokes? A corn snake | 578,255 |
A long, romantic kiss... and then - She: I think I swallowed your gum.
He: No, I just cleared my throat. | 578,256 |
A city slicker moves to the countryside... ... and is visited by his nearest neighbor, the rancher who lives 5 miles distant.
The rancher says, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're invited."
The city slicker says, "Well, that's very very neighborly of you. Thank you."
Rancher says, "... | 578,257 |
What's the difference between a 3 figure and a 4-figure suit? 1 figure, literally and figuratively. | 578,258 |
Want to know a 100% effective form of birth control? Abortion 0_o | 578,259 |
Which professional tennis player masturbates the most? Andy Rawdick | 578,260 |
Riddle: What has wings but can't fly, legs but can't walk, and a mouth but can't speak? A dead bird | 578,261 |
Why do all the lesbians shop at The Sports Authority? Because they don't like Dicks.
| 578,262 |
A horse walks into a bar...... A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey SICCNESS206, put your pants back on" | 578,263 |
A Skunk and a Duck A duck and a skunk were walking along a lake. The duck wanted to show off how fast he could fly, so he bolted off across the lake, but lost control and hit a tree.
The skunk ran up to him, "Hey, Buddy! Are you OK??"
"I think I'm fine, but I don't remember what I am?" the duck replied.
"Well" sa... | 578,264 |
How did hitler like his women? just like his swastikas. No curves | 578,265 |
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