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Why did a Stripper run for mayor? Because she did great on the pole | 578,164 |
I like my women like I like my trail mix... With nuts. | 578,165 |
My cremated aunt used to give great advice. She always told me that you have to urn your place in life. | 578,166 |
I always buy Build Your Own 2 pizzas, and throw 5 of the 12 away. 420 Blaze™ it. | 578,167 |
I went to a Norwegian restaurant the other day... The only problem was- I couldn't a-fjord it. | 578,168 |
What did the leper say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip. | 578,169 |
The Germanwings plane was a lot like a small flame used as an ignition source You know, 'cause it was a pilot light | 578,170 |
What does a clam do on his birthday? He Shellabrates! | 578,171 |
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt. | 578,172 |
Court joke "After long deliberation and taking into account the evidence brought forth by the prosecution as well as the accounts of the eye-witnesses, not to mention the lack of any sensible argument or indeed the utter absence of remorse from your side, the jury has unanimously found you guilty on all counts and accordingly has decided to impose the maximum punishment of 30 years of imprisonment on you ", the judge said, as he announced the decision to the accused.
"So what are your views on the verdict?", the law teacher later asked the group of students that had witnessed the proceedings
"In my opinion", replied James with a look of disapproval on his face, "the sentence was too long" | 578,173 |
I use to be addicted to soap I'm clean now | 578,174 |
So I was having sex with a girl from work... She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.
Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue. | 578,175 |
What do you call a lump of coal and a diamond hanging out together? Carbon Dating. | 578,176 |
What did the pirate say when he had a steering wheel down his pantaloons? Arr! It's driving me nuts! | 578,177 |
Why was Jesus not born in West Virginia? Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Gf sent me this when she was driving through the state. | 578,178 |
A programmers wife tells him... "Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source. | 578,179 |
What do you call the act of lying about Penis size? A Phallacy | 578,180 |
Why are there so few black baseball players? Because they keep stealing bases. | 578,181 |
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. | 578,182 |
Why did the dyslexic engineer fail college? Because he didn't understand psychics. | 578,183 |
Everything you wish for, your wife gets two of So, I found a magic lamp and the genie said I get 3 wishes but with a catch, everything I wish for, my wife gets double.
My first wish was for a car, my wife gets two cars.
My second wish was for a house, my wife got two houses.
Then for my final wish, I asked to be beaten half to death. | 578,184 |
What does a curry and a bad uncle have in common? They both hurt your arsehole | 578,185 |
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogey in it! | 578,186 |
What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP, BANG BANG, CLOP CLOP CLOP? An Amish drive-by shooting | 578,187 |
What do you get when you combine a mountain climber with a mosquito? Nothing! You can't cross scalars and vectors. | 578,188 |
Spring is here and im so excited That I wet my plants...
Ill see myself out | 578,189 |
What can you hear but never see? Everything if you're Stevie Wonder | 578,190 |
I've had a tendency to prove people wrong, all my life... A friend told me he didn't understand how the universe worked, so I became a physicist and explained the wonders of the universe.
A friend of mine didn't understand how plants produce oxygen, so I became a botanist and explained to him the wonders of plants and ecosystems.
A friend didn't understand how math was necessary in life, so I became a mathematician and showed him just how much math is needed on a daily basis.
But one day, this same friend didn't think it felt good to give blow jobs.... | 578,191 |
Knock Knock Knock Knock
Whos there
Daisy
Daisy who
Daisy me rollin they hatin | 578,192 |
Man with premature ejaculation seeks understanding woman. Nevermind, I'm done. | 578,193 |
Everytime this dude goes to a bar, he orders three beers.. .. but he orders the three beers at once, and sits by himself in his chair, enjoying his loneliness, with the three bears before him. He'd drink one, then go the next one, and then the last one.
Since the dude did this day after day, the bartender couldn't help but notice, and decided to ask the man what was the deal with the three bears.
"You know" the bartender said, trying to be as casual as possible, to conceal his curiosity. "You take a little while to get from one beer to another, the next ones will be warm and washed-out. Why don't you order the first one beer at a time?"
The man listened to the question silently, gazing into one of the beers. He looks up and answers with a deep nostalgic voice tone:
"We used to be unseparable. My friends and I. When we were single, we would every night go to a bar, have our beers and chat. But destiny has it's own reasons, right? We had to drift apart for several reasons: marriage, work... but we swore that we would always keep the good old times alive by going to a bar, and ordering three beers.. knowing the others would be doing it too, wherever they are. My name is Peter, by the way."
The bartender was speechless. It was a damn good reason to do such a silly ritual. So he left the guy alone with his beers.
And every night, Peter would appear, order his three beers and chug them quietly in his little corner, without exchanging words with anyone except for the bartender, sometimes about life, sometimes tales about his friendship and the crazy shit they did together. Newman was a smooth ladies-man. Joshua was the one who did everyone laugh. Night after night, three beers in their honour. Then one night, Peter ordered only two beers.
The bartender looked to the man with a concerned look - Peter was visibly not alright, and with one beer less, this could only mean one thing: one of his friends had passed. Would it be Newman and his glorious dick? Would it be Joshua? Once again, his curiosity got the best of him.
"I'm very sorry, Peter. Which one? And.. what happened?"
"Nah, they're just fine, I just quit drinking."
*chugs* | 578,194 |
I popped my dad's viagra now I'm hard as a motherfucker | 578,195 |
Why do men like Haunted Bees? boobees ! :D
I'll show myself out. | 578,196 |
My dad's reasoning for wearing sandals to Church Jesus wore sandals too. | 578,197 |
What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners | 578,198 |
So there was this guy And he was lost in the woods for days eventually he finds this random 2 floor wodden shack and he goes and knocks on the door.
An old Chinese man answers who looks like he was alive when the dinosours ruled the earth.
The young man who was lost explained his situation and begged for food and water.
The old man agreed on the condition that the young man didn't make a move on his sister or he would face the three worst Chinese tortures. Looking at how old the man was the you man agreed and was let in. He was taken to a spare room and stayed there until dinner.
When he came down for dinner there was this gorgeous specimen an 11/10 girl and the young man couldn't keep his eyes off her but remembering the old mans threat he did his best not to look. However, the entire meal the girl was obviously flirting with him and so the young man ran to his room.
Hours passed but the man couldn't sleep he could only think about the girl. Eventually he said fuck it and would risk the old mans wrath. So he snuck into the girls room and proceeded to have the best sex he had ever had and the crept back to his room.
The next morning the man woke to find a heavy rock on his chest with a note that said "Chinese torture #1 rock on chest". The rock was painful but if this was the best the old man had then the young man could survive.
At that moment the old man came into the room picked up the rock and threw it out the window and pointed to a sign under the window. " Chinese totrure #2 rock tied to left testicle".
The young man without thinking jumped out the window after the rock thinking a few broken bones was better than losing a nut.
It was as he was falling to the ground that the young man saw the third sign "Chinese torture #3 right testicle tied to bed post", | 578,199 |
Feeling very homesick. It has shingles. | 578,200 |
What do you call two roosters having a fight? A Cock-a-Doodle-Duel! | 578,201 |
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant. He tells the waiter, "I am starving, and I need tons of food. What ya got?"
The waiter replies, "oh sir we have tons! We have orange chicken, jumbo shrimp, egg rolls, and Dim sum!"
...dim sum... din sum... den sum... IT'S FUNNY! | 578,202 |
So a jewish boy walks into a bar mitzvah | 578,203 |
Why was the Easter Egg so happy? He just got laid by some chick! | 578,204 |
Saying sniggers isn't very politically correct I now say laughrican americans. | 578,205 |
How do you know if someone's an engineer without asking them? Don't worry they'll tell you | 578,206 |
I know the kids don't like you and pick on you, but you have to go to school... you're the teacher! | 578,207 |
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat. | 578,208 |
What do vegetarian dogs eat? Bark! | 578,209 |
Why won't Microsoft hire any maids? Because they don't do Windows | 578,210 |
Why can't a prostitute count to 70? Because 69's a mouthful. | 578,211 |
Airline food is terrible Said the Malaysian shark. | 578,212 |
The Milk Man A milkman is out on his normal rounds when he comes to Ms. Johnson's door step. He notices a note on the door reading: "Larry, Please leave 15 gallons of milk today." Thinking this was a mistake he promptly knocked on the door to see if Ms. Johnson was home. Sure enough, she opened the door to greet Larry. "I'm sorry to bother you Ms. Johnson but I didn't feel right leaving 15 gallons of milk here without making sure that's what you want. Did you mean to write 1.5 gallons?" "No Larry," she replied "I'm going to take a milk bath today and I need 15 gallons to do so." Larry smiles and says "Ok then, that's not a problem at all. In that case, would you like the milk pasteurized?" "No, just up to my tits. Thanks"
Edit: Fixed milk "bath" | 578,213 |
Probably old but one of my favorites. A husband and wife get into a horrible car accident. They are taken to the emergency room. The doctor says to the husband, "you seem to have come out of the accident without a scratch. However, your wife is not so lucky. She has multiple lifelong, debilitating injuries. Because of her condition you will have to feed her, bathe her, dress her and do pretty much everything else for her as long as you are together." Naturally, the husband starts crying uncontrollably. The doctor laughs and says, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead." | 578,214 |
4 guys are hanging out And they were really bored. So the Zoophile has an idea to heighten the mood. He tells them, "let's take a cat and let's rape it." The Sadist says "let's take the cat, rape it, and then stab it." The arsonist says "let's take the cat, rape it, stab it, and then set it on fire." After a long pause, the masochist says "meow." | 578,215 |
My friend Gav died of heartburn the other day Gaviscon | 578,216 |
I just told the girl I've been seeing for 2 years how I've felt about her. she's a bitch | 578,217 |
How can tell your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit. | 578,218 |
Singers worry about catching laryngitis... ...but laryngitis worries about catching Tom Waits. | 578,219 |
A Mafia Godfather... ... finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." | 578,220 |
I finally got hired at the local adult store First day on the job I got a raise! | 578,221 |
A blind rabbit and a blind snake A blind rabbit and a blind snake are roaming around in the woods. The rabbit trips over the snake and the rabbit says "Watch out where you're going! I'm blind"
"Wow, what a coincidence" says the snake. "I'm blind too! What are you?"
"I don't know, I've always been blind why don't you feel me?" says the rabbit
So the snake crawls across the rabbit and says "Oh, long ears, bushy tail, you must be a rabbit! Now you feel me"
So the rabbit starts feeling the snake. "Oh, you're a slippery, slimy, disgusting creature. You must be a politician!"
| 578,222 |
The Energizer bunny as been arrested! He was charged with battery.
EDIT: "H" key on my damn keyborad. | 578,223 |
Why do hippies wave their arms around at concerts? To keep the music out of their eyes. | 578,224 |
You know whats the problem with Proctologists.... They always butt in. | 578,225 |
The story of the co-pilot shows what happens if you don't deal with depresion You will just bring down others | 578,226 |
Sherlock & Watson go Camping! Best joke ever ONE of the BEST JOKES EVER!! Hasn't been posted in the last 3 days.. so here it goes!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
| 578,228 |
I hate hipsters Their vegan diets, whiskery faces, tiny feet, and sawdust bedding. Oh wait, hamsters, I hate hamsters | 578,229 |
"I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting..." "...but it was canceled due to unforeseen events." | 578,230 |
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage
I do realize this is a sick joke but it still makes me laugh when I hear it. I'm a horrible person | 578,231 |
Oil boom jokes I live in williston nd the center of a big oil boom where the male to female ratio is ridiculous. Making the men rather desperate. Being a fairly attractive female I get hit on relentlessly. So when men start staring at me in the bar I loudly say ,"what? You never seen a tranny before?" Lol in hopes to deter them. I told my buddy " when I go to the bathroom tell this stranger next to me, if you're going to roofie her use 2 she's building a tolerance. Rumors of rape of male n females are abundant and whispers of men stalking women at Walmart are not uncommon either. We'll I have been here 9 years and no one has tried to rape me. I'm getting kind of offended. Haha not that I wanna be raped but someone could at least try. | 578,232 |
Hows a forwardly plural Hitler hailed as? Shitler | 578,233 |
What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line? A barbie queue (BBQ)!
Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad.
http://imgur.com/gallery/he4epJo/
I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion. | 578,234 |
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? He only comes once a year | 578,235 |
I was speaking to my friend He was telling me about a plan he had to change all the numbers in the world into roman numerals. I said "Not on my watch" | 578,236 |
A Russian Couple's Nightly Ritual Every evening for 20 years, when Mikhail and Valentina would go to bed, they would take a bottle of vodka out of the nightstand, pour a shot for each, knock it back, and go to sleep.
One night before bed, Mikhail goes to the kitchen to pour a glass of water and admire the beautiful night. But when he turns on the tap, out pops a genie.
"Mikhail, today you have been granted one wish. Think carefully what you want most in life, and it will be yours."
Mikhail takes a moment to think about it. He makes his decision, and tells the genie who says, "It is done!" The genie claps his hands and disappears in a puff of smoke.
Off Mikahil goes to the bedroom. Valentina reaches over to open the nightstand as she has done for the past 20 years, but Mikhail closes it. Valentina stares at her husband and says, "Mikhail, I don't understand. Every night for the last two decades we have had this tradition. Why the sudden change?"
With a smile Mikhail drops his pajamas to the floor and says, "Tonight my love, you drink straight from the bottle." | 578,237 |
Why can't Mexicans play Uno? They always steal the green cards. | 578,239 |
Dont ever look in the drawer! After getting married the new wife moves in with her husband in his house. He gives her the guided tour of the house and tells her that she can open/use anything EXCEPT she is never to open one chest of drawers.
They're happily married for 50 years before the wife's curiosity finally gets the better of her and she opens the chest of drawers to find it full almost to the top with $100 bills and three golf balls.
She confronts her husband with the fact that she eventually opened the drawers and ask him about the golf balls to which he replies:
"Honey, I wish you hadnt done that but the truth be told every time I cheated on you I put a golf ball in the drawer"
She thinks to herself that three times in 50 years is not bad, not great but not bad so she asks him about the money and he replies
"Well, whenever I had twelve balls I'd sell them!" | 578,240 |
Why did dwarf laugh when he walked through a paddock? Because the grass tickled his willy :) | 578,241 |
A math joke? P1: knock knock.
P2: who's there?
P1: Deedee who.
P2: Deedee who who?
P1: one. | 578,242 |
What's the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas? You only get presents from one set of grandparents. | 578,243 |
How can you get hundreds of women wet all at once? Go to a john mayer concert! | 578,244 |
Why is C afraid of every other letter in the alphabet? Because they are not Cs. | 578,245 |
What did Honey Boo Boo's father say after he didn't pull out? Uh oh... I think I made a boo boo. | 578,246 |
Who was Mako Mori's existentialist monk brother? Memento. | 578,247 |
Why did God bless Texas? He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris. | 578,248 |
So i was fucking this midget with one arm (nsfw) Boy, is my arm tired. | 578,249 |
What's yellow and lives off dead beatles? Yoko Ono | 578,250 |
What do you call a boat that gives you nothing but trouble? A woe boat. | 578,251 |
An old blind cowboy... An old blind cowboy accidentally walks into an all female biker bar. He takes a seat at the bar, and blurts out, "Who here wants to hear a dumb-blonde joke?" The whole bar goes quiet for a moment, then the biker next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, there's three things you ought to know. 1. The bouncer is blonde, is 6'5" and has a billy club. 2. The bartender is blonde too, and she has a baseball bat. And 3. I'm a blonde, professional weight lifter and wrestler. So tell me cowboy, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The old blind cowboy, looking disappointed, shakes his head and says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times..." | 578,252 |
I bought a guitar recently... I traveled to California recently, along with my dad and wife, to pickup an electric guitar I have been searching for a few months. On the way back, at a rest stop, I felt nervous about leaving an expensive guitar along with my dad and wife to fend for themselves. So I asked my dad to follow my exact instructions, in case of a robbery attempt. "If the robber asks you to make a choice between giving him the guitar or the girl - by all means give him the guitar - for I love my wife very very much. However, if he asks to give him the girl, for the love of God, do NOT say you have a guitar!" | 578,253 |
Well, they warned me that I'd go blind if I kept doing that... Sitting too close to the TV. | 578,254 |
What do you call a snake that tells bad jokes? A corn snake | 578,255 |
A long, romantic kiss... and then - She: I think I swallowed your gum.
He: No, I just cleared my throat. | 578,256 |
A city slicker moves to the countryside... ... and is visited by his nearest neighbor, the rancher who lives 5 miles distant.
The rancher says, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're invited."
The city slicker says, "Well, that's very very neighborly of you. Thank you."
Rancher says, "Though I should warn you, there's a-gonna be some heavy drinkin'."
City slicker says, "That's okay, I've done my share of drinking."
Rancher says, "And there's probably a-gonna be some fightin', too."
City slicker says, "Well... that's okay, I can keep my own peace."
Rancher says, "And there's a-gonna be some sex, too."
City slicker says, "I'm fine with that. So... is there anything I should bring to the party?"
Rancher says, "Naw, it's just a-gonna be you and me." | 578,257 |
What's the difference between a 3 figure and a 4-figure suit? 1 figure, literally and figuratively. | 578,258 |
Want to know a 100% effective form of birth control? Abortion 0_o | 578,259 |
Which professional tennis player masturbates the most? Andy Rawdick | 578,260 |
Riddle: What has wings but can't fly, legs but can't walk, and a mouth but can't speak? A dead bird | 578,261 |
Why do all the lesbians shop at The Sports Authority? Because they don't like Dicks.
| 578,262 |
A horse walks into a bar...... A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey SICCNESS206, put your pants back on" | 578,263 |
A Skunk and a Duck A duck and a skunk were walking along a lake. The duck wanted to show off how fast he could fly, so he bolted off across the lake, but lost control and hit a tree.
The skunk ran up to him, "Hey, Buddy! Are you OK??"
"I think I'm fine, but I don't remember what I am?" the duck replied.
"Well" said the Skunk, "You have a beak, feathers, and webbed feet. You must be a duck!"
The duck was joyous, "You're right, I am a duck!"
But just then, a dangling branch fell off from the previous impact and hit the skunk on the head.
The duck shook him until he woke up, "Buddy are you ok??"
"I feel fine, but I don't remember what I am?"
"Well" said the duck, "You're half black, half white, and smell like shit, you must be Puerto Rican" | 578,264 |
How did hitler like his women? just like his swastikas. No curves | 578,265 |
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