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Sorry I'm shit faced Why did the midget go swimming in the kitchen?
There were microwaves.
Sorry I was drunk making popcorn. | 578,062 |
What is a Mexicans favorite sport? Cross-country | 578,063 |
Michael Schumacher. The second most damaging German fuckup in the French Alpines. | 578,064 |
What do you call emigrates of Sweden? Swedouts. | 578,065 |
I ate too many rowing paddles Now I feel oar-full | 578,066 |
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. | 578,067 |
What kind of parents are see-through? Transparence! | 578,068 |
You know what's addictive? Heroin | 578,069 |
My friend recently bought a home near me at a local skimming pond It's only a stones throw away. | 578,070 |
My girlfriend is √ (-100). She's definitely a 10, but she's imaginary. | 578,071 |
So one cow looks at the other and says: "It's getting kinda late doncha think? I wonder when Farmer Brown is gonna open up the barn to let us in."
The other cow looks at him and says: "Holy shit! A talking cow!" | 578,072 |
A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified... He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?" | 578,073 |
Why was Adam(from the bible) a happy guy? He had no mother in law | 578,074 |
Whats black and screams? Stevie wonder answering the iron! | 578,075 |
It's ok to believe in life after love. Cher if you agree. | 578,076 |
A guaranteed way to make a hormone... Don't pay her... | 578,077 |
If grandmothers say "love you to the moon and back" Do gay men say "love you to Uranus and back"? | 578,078 |
This joke is like a rapist It's going to score, whether you like it or not. | 578,079 |
What is the most uptight human instinct? Sex, there's hundreds of thousands of sex offenders. | 578,080 |
Talked to A Pilot Two days ago I was flying home from Florida and there was a lot of turbulence. So as we were disembarking and the flight attendants/pilots were saying there usual "thank you for flying our airline" and as I was passing by the pilot said "I'm sorry for the bumpy ride."
I responded "No worries, at least you weren't locked out by your co-pilot." | 578,081 |
LAUNDROMAT BLUES Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you. | 578,082 |
Have you ever eaten at a Native American restaurant? It's mostly corn...but you have to make a reservation. | 578,083 |
Why was the bumble bee wearing a yamaka? Because he didn't want to be mistaken for a WASP | 578,084 |
Why shouldn’t you ever have an argument with Möbius? Because they’re always so one sided! | 578,085 |
Former boy scout leader goes shopping A former boy scout leader goes shopping. He sits down and grabs his beef jerky.
"Tastes like boy scouts," he says. | 578,086 |
Have you heard of McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. | 578,087 |
I don't have a small penis... its just "fun sized". | 578,088 |
Why are my pubes curly? Because if they were straight, they'd be poking you in the eyes. | 578,089 |
Great pickup line... You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?
Her: Yes.
You: Wanna Traumatize it? | 578,090 |
What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.? Call Baltimore, M.D. | 578,091 |
I met a guy from Seattle on the chairlift when skiing today... I asked him if he wanted to do a run and he replied, "No thanks, I'll pass." | 578,092 |
A man orders three drinks at once at a bar and drinks all three then leaves. He repeats this ritual every Thursday at the same bar. One day the bartender asks why he orders three drinks to himself at one time instead of spacing them out. The man explains its a pact with two other friends that live in other parts of the country. We all go have three drinks on Thursday so we are still drinking together. The bartender laughs and sets down the drinks. Several months pass and suddenly the man is ordering two drinks at a time. After a couple Thursday's of this the bartender asks, not to pry, but did something happen to one of your friends? The man replies as he takes a sip. No. I quit drinking. | 578,093 |
I work at a bar, don't like it but it pays good. I just kneaded the Dough.
EDIT: Not bar, bakery. Sand autocorrect. Never use Reddit on a phone. | 578,094 |
The Vampire’s Wish-long Boris took a break from polishing the deep, rich, black paint on his cherished Chevrolet Impala.
His thoughts drifted back to the fine April day in nineteen sixty-three when he first saw the car sitting on the showroom floor. It was only a matter of hours before he’d purchased the car, and was driving it with the convertible top down. The dazzling mid-day sun glistened off of the chrome as his wavy black hair blew in the breeze. Within a few months, his bright world would be drastically altered. His older brother started dating a very eerie young woman, and soon after his behavior had also become disturbing. He awakened one night to a pain in his neck, and the two of them standing over him, laughing. He stared into the night sky and a wave of melancholy swept over him, as he reflected that one of the things he dreaded most about being a vampire, was not being able to drive with the top down on bright sunny days. He resumed his polishing, and when it was done he put the top up and drove the car into the garage. The sun would be rising soon and he needed to get to bed.
When he opened the door between the garage and the kitchen, he was greeted with his brother’s sarcasm.
“You just can’t seem to get it through your head that you’re dead, can you?”
“You’ve been a vampire for as long as I have.” Boris leaned on the back of a chair, and continued in a low deliberate voice, “You should know by now that we’re neither alive nor dead. We’re undead.”
“A technicality, but it still doesn’t justify spending all your time with that mechanical icon of the living world. Look, dummy. You can turn into a bat and fly. You don’t need a car anymore. When will you ever get that through your thick skull?”
“I’m scared of bats and even more afraid of heights, and, besides, you’re a good one to talk about hanging on to the living world. I see you’re stuffing that big gut of yours full of Oreo cookies again. When you fly, you show up on the radar screens as big as the space shuttle. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to bed, and hopefully you haven’t turned down the heat on my waterbed again.”
Boris started to leave the room as his brother replied. “It seems to me that I’ve reminded you before that vampires can’t cross water, and if you had any self respect you’d sleep in a proper coffin.”
He spoke over his shoulder. “I’m not crossing water. I’m sleeping on it. Besides coffins are for dead people. When I’m dead I’ll sleep in a coffin. Good night.”
Boris slowly climbed the steps to his room and wearily opened the door. He checked the thermostat on the waterbed to insure that it hadn’t been disturbed, and then climbed into the bed. After drawing the shades and securing all light sources, he snuggled into the heap of blankets and was soon asleep.
He awakened feeling rested, and rose slowly from the comfort of his bed.
Only a few wispy clouds obscured an otherwise clear sky as he sat on the front porch gazing at the stars. He rested his elbows on his knees and his chin in the palms of his hands, and thought out loud, “All I want is to be able to drive my convertible on a nice sunny day. Is that too much to ask?”
“No.” A soft, but unexpected voice spoke from behind him.
Boris turned around to see who spoke it. Standing on the porch was a spectacularly beautiful woman with extremely fair skin, dressed in a flowing white gown with small wings gently fluttering in the peaceful evening breezes.
“Who are you?” As soon as he said it, he realized that it wasn’t one of his best opening lines.
“I’m Desiree, a Fairy, and I’ve come to grant you a wish.”
“I thought Fairies only collected teeth.”
“The boss likes us to keep busy, so on slow days we do other things. I understand that you have something that you wish dearly for.”
“What I want nobody can give me.”
“Don’t be so sure. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know.” She brushed past him as she slowly walked over to the car.
“You’ve already heard what I want, so why do I have to ask?”
“Humor me.” A sly smile, displaying tantalizing dimples, graced her face while her hands gently caressed the shiny black paint.
Boris thought for a minute, and then spoke slowly. “I want to drive my car on a nice warm sunny morning without the fear of dying. Can you do that?”
“It’s done. Your wish is granted. Tomorrow morning you can drive your car without worrying about dying. I do have one request though.”
“I knew there had to be a catch. What is it?”
“I want to go along.”
“Is that all?”
“I love this car, and I’ve never had the opportunity to ride in a convertible.”
Boris smiled sheepishly and held his hand out to her. “Meet me here at five-thirty. I want to watch the sunrise while we drive.”
Desiree took his hand and rubbed it to her cheek, and then fluttered off.
After she left, Boris picked up a rag and commenced polishing the finish to remove her hand prints. She may be cute, but he had his limits.
Desiree returned right on time. Boris opened the door for her, then walked around the car and took his position at the steering wheel. The sun was not up yet, but beams of light turned the clouds that were visible to varied shades of pink and purple. He drove to a park where he’d spent much of his youth. It was the first time he’d seen it in daylight in many years. He drove slowly and took time to enjoy the reflections off the water in the pond, and the way the light played through the trees, creating eerie shadows on the ground. These were sights he hadn’t seen in years, and he wanted to relish each and every one of them. He emerged from the cover of the trees just as the sun made its entrance. Immediately the skin on his hands began to bubble, and his breathing became labored.
He shrieked in horror, “You lied to me. You told me I’d be able to live when the sun came up.”
Desiree smiled and calmly replied, “No, I didn’t. I only promised you that you could drive without worrying about dying. That’s exactly what you asked for.”
Boris staggered from the car in an attempt to find cover, and amid screams of agonizing pain, he burned to a cinder in the middle of the road. Desiree slowly slid across the red vinyl bench seat, placed her hands on the steering wheel, and took some time to admire her new car. After a few moments she turned around and spoke in disgust to the smoldering clump “A basic Impala!
You could have at least had enough class to buy a Super Sport.” She turned back, put the car in gear, and drove off into the sunrise.
You know all those dark spots on the pavement that you thought were patched potholes – uh uh. Melted vampires. | 578,095 |
JET FUEL ALCOHOLICS Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!” | 578,096 |
ANOTHER BULL NAME Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?
A: Beef Strokinoff. | 578,097 |
In honour of all the miss piggy/kermit the frog jokes going around today. Why can't miss piggy have children? Because she keeps fucking a frog and their DNA is not compatible.
No?
| 578,098 |
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian. | 578,099 |
Why will Hillary's Presidential Library have a 45 minute wait? Only so many people can stand in front of a half-empty book shelf. | 578,100 |
A Black Jewish boy runs home from school and asks his dad, "Dad, am I more Black or more Jewish?" The dad replies "Why do you want to know son?" The boy says "Because a kid in school is selling a bike for $50 dollars and I don't know whether to talk him down to $40 or just steal it!" | 578,101 |
Rick Astley is such a nice guy. He'll let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up. | 578,102 |
What kind of bikes do girls ride? Menstrual Cycles
(I'm 99% sure I made this up!) | 578,103 |
What do you call a bison that's sick to his stomach? A barffalo | 578,104 |
I’ve started a band called 999 megabytes We haven’t got a gig yet. | 578,105 |
I haven't pooped in a couple weeks I'm not constipated, I'm just procrapstinating | 578,106 |
What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu? For swine flu, you use oink-ment and for bird flu, you get tweet-ment. | 578,107 |
A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen He comes back and finds another note: "me too" | 578,108 |
A teacher is teaching... a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" | 578,109 |
Why are people reluctant to eat pudding that is past its expiration date? Because it is off pudding. | 578,110 |
A man visits a monastery. He sleeps in the most comfortable bed he's ever slept in. In the middle of the night he hears a beautiful noise that wakes him up, even from the amazing bed he is laying on. He realises that the noise is coming from a door in the corner of his room. He decides not to get up and goes back to sleep.
The next morning he asks a nearby monk what the noise was. "I'm sorry I can't tell you," he replies, "you're not a monk." So the man asks the monk, "What will it take to become a monk?" To which the monk replies, "We will give you tasks. Each will give you a lesson in patience and equilibrium within yourself."
His first task was to go to the nearby beach and count every grain of sand individually. For the next five years the man wanders the beach, being careful not to lose count or double count any grains. After the trial is done he returns and asks if he can see what is behind the door. The monk replies "I'm sorry I can't tell you. You're not a monk."
"Your next task is to go to the meadow and count every blade of grass." This time, with more patience he treks to the great field and begins his count. The wind being a huge obstacle for him, he counts the blades of grass for the next ten years. Upon his return he asks to see what is behind the door. "I'm sorry I can't tell you, you are not yet a monk. You have but one more task."
The man is then sent to a forest, spreading over three acres. As he arrives he sees a ladder and a note which reads "You know what you must do." So he begins to count every leaf on every tree. His practice with the monks for the past years of his life have greatly improved his physique, his spirituality, and his intellect. With these traits he is able to climb up and down this ladder and count every leaf with ease. For the next fifteen years he calmly and happily counts, by this time forgetting all about the door.
The youngest monk before he, now the Elder Monk, is the last of his predecessors to still be alive when he returns from his journey. The Elder monk immediately hands him a key ring and says, "You have proven yourself worthy. When i die you will become the Elder Monk. Here are the keys required to open the inner sanctum. You may find the first door in the room you layed in on your first say with us." The memory of the beautiful noise, and the sight of the key to open in made him break down and begin to cry right then and there.
He goes to the door, and examines the keyes on the ring. There is a plain metal key, a stone, a very large key, and a Crystal shard. The first door in front of him seems to be a fairly modern door, so he opens it with the plain metal key. After walking down the hall and down the stairs he comes across a stone wall which seems to be a dead end. As he begins to lose hope, he sees a small gap in the stone wall. He pulls out his key ring and places the stone into the wall. The wall decends into the floor, revealing a path ahead of him.
The path is a mile long and direct, no turns, no lights, and no stairs. As he progresses through the straight pitch black corridor, he begins to see a light. As he gets closer he sees that he is going into a cave, a very large cave. The cave is filled with colorful crystals and marvelous stones. There is a small hole above him which seems to small for any animal to fit through. After about ten minutes wandering through the cave he hears a faint ringing. The hole above him is shining light through various crystals, causing them to vibrate and ring. The refractions of the light end up pointing to a crystal cluster that seems to have a missing crystal. He places the Crystal from his pocket into the cluser, and all the crystals in the cave disintegrate.
He is immediately filled with sorrow. He believes he just destroyed the source of the beautiful noise he worked so hard to behold. As the tears fall, he lifts his head remembering that he has one more key. He looks around to find that a very large door, previously hidden by the crystals, had been exposed. So he takes the final key from his pocket and opens the door. The second the door flies open, he sees the most amazing wonder he has ever seen in his entire life. It beats the beautiful views he has seen during his time as a monk. It overpowers every beautiful song he had ever heard. Upon seeing this treasure he realises that his life is now complete and understands what it is to not fear death, as he can now die happily.
Would you like to know what he saw?
I'm sorry I can't tell you, you're not a monk. | 578,111 |
A very old German veteran took the bus home after visiting a history museum. On the bus, he decided to take a quick 10 minute nap.
When he woke up, his shoes were gone.
Surprised, he asked the young lady sitting beside him if she had seen it. She replied in the negative.
After some more minutes of searching around without success, his frustration turned into anger. Feeling he was being pranked, he began to speak in a loud voice, addressing the entire passengers of the bus.
"If I don't find my shoes, the events of 1958 would repeat itself today!"
This did not go down well with other passengers and they did not like his tone or threat. The man was unfazed by their disapproval and repeated himself louder.
"If I don't find my shoes, what happened in 1958 would happen here again. You've all been warned!"
Thankfully, the lady beside him spotted his shoes tucked behind a bag, she handed them to him asking what happened in 1958 that he threatened to repeat. The German replied.
"I had to walk home barefooted" | 578,112 |
What's better than roses on a piano? Two-lips on your organ | 578,113 |
My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes. Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. | 578,114 |
I repurposed some lumber. It was ex-siding. | 578,116 |
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair. | 578,117 |
Honey, I just won the lottery! -- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow! | 578,118 |
What do you call it when prisoners take their own mugshots? Cellfies
^I'm^so^sorry | 578,119 |
What's the difference between a cunt and a pussy? A child asked his father "what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt dad?" The father tells him to come upstairs into his bedroom where the wife is taking a nap and pulls up the blanket and whispers "that's a pussy son" the son screams "whoa!" The father grabs the boy by the arm and says "keep it down! Or you'll wake the cunt up!" | 578,120 |
why did the chicken head cross the road? to ghetto the other side... | 578,121 |
What do you call a Jamaican who wears glasses? Rastafoureyes | 578,122 |
So a very depressed man named Mike walks into a bar... He sits at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks him what's wrong. " You see that huge suspension bridge?" "Yes," the bartender replied. "I designed that. It's the most sturdy bridge in the western hemisphere, but they don't call me the best bridge builder." "Why not?" The bartender said. Mike, not listening continued, " You know that huge house down the street? I placed the foundation myself. That house won't move for a thousand years, but they don't call me the best foundation layer. You can do all these great things and nobody ever remembers the good accomplishments about you." The bartender looks at him sadly and asks, "That's a huge shame, my friend. So what do they call you?" At that moment a new patron walks in and looks at Mike. His eyes widen and he shouts, " Look the goat - fucker is here!" | 578,123 |
Finished or complete? When a man finds the right woman he is complete. When a man finds the wrong woman he is finished.
When the right woman catches the man with the wrong woman he is completely finished. | 578,124 |
I fucked a girl for 1 hour and 45 seconds tonight Thanks daylight savings | 578,125 |
Why did the scarecrow receive a Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field. | 578,126 |
What do you call a female sex change operation? an addadicktome! | 578,127 |
Grandma has golfers by the balls.. A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £ 20 note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Damn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me constable."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really annoy me - kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me £ 20, or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
She replied: "Not everybody pays!!! | 578,128 |
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers. | 578,129 |
What ethnic group do cannibals eat on thanksgiving? Turkish | 578,130 |
Did you hear that the Pope might quit? I guess there's just not enough altar boys to go around in the Vatican | 578,131 |
Camping with grandpa When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." | 578,132 |
There are 10 types of people in the world Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting this joke to be in ternary | 578,133 |
What do you call an Egyptian surprise attack? A Tut offensive. | 578,134 |
How did feminism start? Some guy forgot to lock the kitchen door | 578,135 |
A joke for those who like story-jokes A man goes to a bar that he frequents a few times a week. He sits down and enjoys a few drinks, making conversation with the bartender. As the night goes on and the bar begins to empty out, he notices that he's hearing some really exceptional piano music. Looking around the bar, there are no speakers, no juke box, nothing that he can see that would be creating the music.
Guy: "Hey, bartender, where's this music coming from? It's some of the best piano music I've ever heard."
Bartender: "Look on top of the bar over there."
As the man looks down, at the end of the bar, well ON the bar really, there's a little man playing a grand piano roughly the size of a laptop. The player himself can't be more than 1-2 feet tall, and the man is absolutely baffled.
Guy: "Woah, where did you find such a small person who can play a piano THAT well?"
Bartender: "I wished for him with my genie! Here, give it a try."
Placing a lamp in front of the man, the bartender goes back to washing some dishes and serving a few other regulars. At first, the man is just in awe that the bartender would be such an ass as to suggest a genie gave him a piano player for the bar. But, just for shits and giggles, he rubs the lamp.
A genie pops out, and scares the guy half to death. The genie says "I will grant you any 1 wish."
The man thinks it over, and then says "I would like you to fill up this bar with money, so that everyone here can go home rich." The genie looks at the man, looks around the bar, and claps his hands, saying "Your wish is my command."
The man excitedly spins around, and to his dismay the entire bar is filled with honey. Sticky. Fucking. Honey.
Guy: "Really? What the hell!? I get one wish and the damn genie doesn't even take the time to listen to what I say?!?"
Bartender" "Yeah, I'm sorry, I really should have said something. The genie is actually a little hard of hearing. I mean, do you really think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist?" | 578,136 |
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Damn | 578,137 |
Grandfather Clock and a Drunk A guy is coming out of an antique clock shop with a new grandfather clock as a drunk comes stumbling down the street. The guy bumps into the drunk, falls down, and busts the clock all to pieces. The guy gets up and says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" The drunk says,"Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everyone else?"
Source: Willie Nelson told this joke on Jimmy Kimmel last week. Link in comments. | 578,138 |
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers | 578,139 |
A man is walking on the sidewalk when he hears a distant voice say "Climb the ladder to success" He looks to his right, and there's a ladder leaning up against a tall building. Again he hears the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." So he gets on the ladder and starts climbing. Again--louder now--he hears: "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reaches the top of the building and finds another man who's completely naked. "Hi. I'm Cess." | 578,140 |
My little girl was staring at the letters on my coffee mug she's very QRS about the alphabet.... I'll see myself out. | 578,141 |
Did you hear about the blonde who got detention for flirting with boys in class? She told the teacher she wanted to go down in history... | 578,142 |
What do you call a joke that has been internet obsolete for a while? The Game. | 578,143 |
An engineer is driving along a deserted road to his cottage... When his car suddenly stops. He goes out and tries to see if he can find the problem. When he opens the engine, he finds that a gas cylinder cracked open. Because he's an engineer, he gets a soldering kit out to see if he can patch it up.
After he gets the soldering kit, a bus full of natives stops up beside him.
"Hey, what's up man? You need a lift?" One of them says
The man stops for a second, then calmly replies "No, piston broke."
"So are we, hop in!" | 578,144 |
What do the British say when they're flirting? U wan'a m8? | 578,145 |
Why wasn't Michael Jackson healthy? Artificial colouring. | 578,146 |
Later tonight... I have to help a friend hang some blinds... I doubt they'll ever see it coming. | 578,147 |
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it! | 578,148 |
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do people with one leg work? IHOP. | 578,149 |
How can you tell if someone is a sucker for clickbait? Bingo. | 578,150 |
What gun does Jesus hate the most? The nail gun.
So sorry if this offends you
Credit to the /r/pka podcast | 578,151 |
A joke about a bird Eh, never mind. It would probably just go over your head. | 578,152 |
Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies: "No, what you see is one Newton over one square meter - so what you have found is one Pascal." | 578,153 |
What sex position makes ugly babies? Ask your parents | 578,154 |
What do you call a caboose that changes its gender? A trains-vestite. | 578,155 |
A roast beef walks into a bar... Bartender says "Hey! Get the hell out of here! We don't serve food here" | 578,156 |
Gay jokes aren't funny come on man | 578,157 |
At my work we use these blue paper towels to clean the machines we use. So I was cleaning my machine when my friend asked me, if he could take some of my paper, instead of looking for the roll.
I told him no in a joking voice.
"Oh, you really don't share your stuff, huh?"
"No, I have a close relationship with my paper towels" | 578,158 |
What's brown and sticky? A Stick | 578,160 |
David wanted a set of of twins very badly, so he asked his friend Mike for advice. David asked him, "You have three sets of twins, three! Tell me, what is your secret!"
"I'll tell you," replied Mike, "but you gotta do exactly as I say."
David nodded his head fervently, "Okay, okay, tell me!"
"So, it's a four day process," Mike started, "The first day, you gotta play with her vagina, get her real fired up and horny. But stop there, don't have sex yet."
David stood in rapt attention.
"The second day, play with it again. Get her really turned on, use toys if you have to."
David was getting excited
"Now the third day, reallllly turn it up a notch. I'm talking about crank it up to eleven."
"Yeah! Yeah!" David interjected, "And the fourth day?!"
"The fourth day," Mike said, "on the fourth day, you call me." | 578,161 |
Internet is filled with girls crying over Zayn leaving 1D. Never knew there were so many girls in the world until yesterday. | 578,162 |
What's the most sensitive protein? EMOglobin. | 578,163 |
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