text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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Sorry I'm shit faced Why did the midget go swimming in the kitchen?
There were microwaves.
Sorry I was drunk making popcorn. | 578,062 |
What is a Mexicans favorite sport? Cross-country | 578,063 |
Michael Schumacher. The second most damaging German fuckup in the French Alpines. | 578,064 |
What do you call emigrates of Sweden? Swedouts. | 578,065 |
I ate too many rowing paddles Now I feel oar-full | 578,066 |
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. | 578,067 |
What kind of parents are see-through? Transparence! | 578,068 |
You know what's addictive? Heroin | 578,069 |
My friend recently bought a home near me at a local skimming pond It's only a stones throw away. | 578,070 |
My girlfriend is √ (-100). She's definitely a 10, but she's imaginary. | 578,071 |
So one cow looks at the other and says: "It's getting kinda late doncha think? I wonder when Farmer Brown is gonna open up the barn to let us in."
The other cow looks at him and says: "Holy shit! A talking cow!" | 578,072 |
A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified... He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?" | 578,073 |
Why was Adam(from the bible) a happy guy? He had no mother in law | 578,074 |
Whats black and screams? Stevie wonder answering the iron! | 578,075 |
It's ok to believe in life after love. Cher if you agree. | 578,076 |
A guaranteed way to make a hormone... Don't pay her... | 578,077 |
If grandmothers say "love you to the moon and back" Do gay men say "love you to Uranus and back"? | 578,078 |
This joke is like a rapist It's going to score, whether you like it or not. | 578,079 |
What is the most uptight human instinct? Sex, there's hundreds of thousands of sex offenders. | 578,080 |
Talked to A Pilot Two days ago I was flying home from Florida and there was a lot of turbulence. So as we were disembarking and the flight attendants/pilots were saying there usual "thank you for flying our airline" and as I was passing by the pilot said "I'm sorry for the bumpy ride."
I responded "No worries, at leas... | 578,081 |
LAUNDROMAT BLUES Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you. | 578,082 |
Have you ever eaten at a Native American restaurant? It's mostly corn...but you have to make a reservation. | 578,083 |
Why was the bumble bee wearing a yamaka? Because he didn't want to be mistaken for a WASP | 578,084 |
Why shouldn’t you ever have an argument with Möbius? Because they’re always so one sided! | 578,085 |
Former boy scout leader goes shopping A former boy scout leader goes shopping. He sits down and grabs his beef jerky.
"Tastes like boy scouts," he says. | 578,086 |
Have you heard of McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. | 578,087 |
I don't have a small penis... its just "fun sized". | 578,088 |
Why are my pubes curly? Because if they were straight, they'd be poking you in the eyes. | 578,089 |
Great pickup line... You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?
Her: Yes.
You: Wanna Traumatize it? | 578,090 |
What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.? Call Baltimore, M.D. | 578,091 |
I met a guy from Seattle on the chairlift when skiing today... I asked him if he wanted to do a run and he replied, "No thanks, I'll pass." | 578,092 |
A man orders three drinks at once at a bar and drinks all three then leaves. He repeats this ritual every Thursday at the same bar. One day the bartender asks why he orders three drinks to himself at one time instead of spacing them out. The man explains its a pact with two other friends that live in other parts of the... | 578,093 |
I work at a bar, don't like it but it pays good. I just kneaded the Dough.
EDIT: Not bar, bakery. Sand autocorrect. Never use Reddit on a phone. | 578,094 |
The Vampire’s Wish-long Boris took a break from polishing the deep, rich, black paint on his cherished Chevrolet Impala.
His thoughts drifted back to the fine April day in nineteen sixty-three when he first saw the car sitting on the showroom floor. It was only a matter of hours before he’d purchased the car, a... | 578,095 |
JET FUEL ALCOHOLICS Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet f... | 578,096 |
ANOTHER BULL NAME Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?
A: Beef Strokinoff. | 578,097 |
In honour of all the miss piggy/kermit the frog jokes going around today. Why can't miss piggy have children? Because she keeps fucking a frog and their DNA is not compatible.
No?
| 578,098 |
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian. | 578,099 |
Why will Hillary's Presidential Library have a 45 minute wait? Only so many people can stand in front of a half-empty book shelf. | 578,100 |
A Black Jewish boy runs home from school and asks his dad, "Dad, am I more Black or more Jewish?" The dad replies "Why do you want to know son?" The boy says "Because a kid in school is selling a bike for $50 dollars and I don't know whether to talk him down to $40 or just steal it!" | 578,101 |
Rick Astley is such a nice guy. He'll let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up. | 578,102 |
What kind of bikes do girls ride? Menstrual Cycles
(I'm 99% sure I made this up!) | 578,103 |
What do you call a bison that's sick to his stomach? A barffalo | 578,104 |
I’ve started a band called 999 megabytes We haven’t got a gig yet. | 578,105 |
I haven't pooped in a couple weeks I'm not constipated, I'm just procrapstinating | 578,106 |
What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu? For swine flu, you use oink-ment and for bird flu, you get tweet-ment. | 578,107 |
A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen He comes back and finds another note: "me too" | 578,108 |
A teacher is teaching... a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I li... | 578,109 |
Why are people reluctant to eat pudding that is past its expiration date? Because it is off pudding. | 578,110 |
A man visits a monastery. He sleeps in the most comfortable bed he's ever slept in. In the middle of the night he hears a beautiful noise that wakes him up, even from the amazing bed he is laying on. He realises that the noise is coming from a door in the corner of his room. He decides not to get up and goes back to sl... | 578,111 |
A very old German veteran took the bus home after visiting a history museum. On the bus, he decided to take a quick 10 minute nap.
When he woke up, his shoes were gone.
Surprised, he asked the young lady sitting beside him if she had seen it. She replied in the negative.
After some more minutes of searching around w... | 578,112 |
What's better than roses on a piano? Two-lips on your organ | 578,113 |
My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes. Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. | 578,114 |
I repurposed some lumber. It was ex-siding. | 578,116 |
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair. | 578,117 |
Honey, I just won the lottery! -- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow! | 578,118 |
What do you call it when prisoners take their own mugshots? Cellfies
^I'm^so^sorry | 578,119 |
What's the difference between a cunt and a pussy? A child asked his father "what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt dad?" The father tells him to come upstairs into his bedroom where the wife is taking a nap and pulls up the blanket and whispers "that's a pussy son" the son screams "whoa!" The father grabs the... | 578,120 |
why did the chicken head cross the road? to ghetto the other side... | 578,121 |
What do you call a Jamaican who wears glasses? Rastafoureyes | 578,122 |
So a very depressed man named Mike walks into a bar... He sits at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks him what's wrong. " You see that huge suspension bridge?" "Yes," the bartender replied. "I designed that. It's the most sturdy bridge in the western hemisphere, but they don't call me the best bridge builder.... | 578,123 |
Finished or complete? When a man finds the right woman he is complete. When a man finds the wrong woman he is finished.
When the right woman catches the man with the wrong woman he is completely finished. | 578,124 |
I fucked a girl for 1 hour and 45 seconds tonight Thanks daylight savings | 578,125 |
Why did the scarecrow receive a Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field. | 578,126 |
What do you call a female sex change operation? an addadicktome! | 578,127 |
Grandma has golfers by the balls.. A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £ 20 note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of t... | 578,128 |
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers. | 578,129 |
What ethnic group do cannibals eat on thanksgiving? Turkish | 578,130 |
Did you hear that the Pope might quit? I guess there's just not enough altar boys to go around in the Vatican | 578,131 |
Camping with grandpa When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashligh... | 578,132 |
There are 10 types of people in the world Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting this joke to be in ternary | 578,133 |
What do you call an Egyptian surprise attack? A Tut offensive. | 578,134 |
How did feminism start? Some guy forgot to lock the kitchen door | 578,135 |
A joke for those who like story-jokes A man goes to a bar that he frequents a few times a week. He sits down and enjoys a few drinks, making conversation with the bartender. As the night goes on and the bar begins to empty out, he notices that he's hearing some really exceptional piano music. Looking around the bar,... | 578,136 |
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Damn | 578,137 |
Grandfather Clock and a Drunk A guy is coming out of an antique clock shop with a new grandfather clock as a drunk comes stumbling down the street. The guy bumps into the drunk, falls down, and busts the clock all to pieces. The guy gets up and says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" The drunk s... | 578,138 |
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers | 578,139 |
A man is walking on the sidewalk when he hears a distant voice say "Climb the ladder to success" He looks to his right, and there's a ladder leaning up against a tall building. Again he hears the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." So he gets on the ladder and starts climbing. Again--louder now--he hears: "Climb the ... | 578,140 |
My little girl was staring at the letters on my coffee mug she's very QRS about the alphabet.... I'll see myself out. | 578,141 |
Did you hear about the blonde who got detention for flirting with boys in class? She told the teacher she wanted to go down in history... | 578,142 |
What do you call a joke that has been internet obsolete for a while? The Game. | 578,143 |
An engineer is driving along a deserted road to his cottage... When his car suddenly stops. He goes out and tries to see if he can find the problem. When he opens the engine, he finds that a gas cylinder cracked open. Because he's an engineer, he gets a soldering kit out to see if he can patch it up.
After he gets the... | 578,144 |
What do the British say when they're flirting? U wan'a m8? | 578,145 |
Why wasn't Michael Jackson healthy? Artificial colouring. | 578,146 |
Later tonight... I have to help a friend hang some blinds... I doubt they'll ever see it coming. | 578,147 |
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it! | 578,148 |
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do people with one leg work? IHOP. | 578,149 |
How can you tell if someone is a sucker for clickbait? Bingo. | 578,150 |
What gun does Jesus hate the most? The nail gun.
So sorry if this offends you
Credit to the /r/pka podcast | 578,151 |
A joke about a bird Eh, never mind. It would probably just go over your head. | 578,152 |
Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I... | 578,153 |
What sex position makes ugly babies? Ask your parents | 578,154 |
What do you call a caboose that changes its gender? A trains-vestite. | 578,155 |
A roast beef walks into a bar... Bartender says "Hey! Get the hell out of here! We don't serve food here" | 578,156 |
Gay jokes aren't funny come on man | 578,157 |
At my work we use these blue paper towels to clean the machines we use. So I was cleaning my machine when my friend asked me, if he could take some of my paper, instead of looking for the roll.
I told him no in a joking voice.
"Oh, you really don't share your stuff, huh?"
"No, I have a close relationship with my paper ... | 578,158 |
What's brown and sticky? A Stick | 578,160 |
David wanted a set of of twins very badly, so he asked his friend Mike for advice. David asked him, "You have three sets of twins, three! Tell me, what is your secret!"
"I'll tell you," replied Mike, "but you gotta do exactly as I say."
David nodded his head fervently, "Okay, okay, tell me!"
"So, it's a four da... | 578,161 |
Internet is filled with girls crying over Zayn leaving 1D. Never knew there were so many girls in the world until yesterday. | 578,162 |
What's the most sensitive protein? EMOglobin. | 578,163 |
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