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Tips for married women who like to cook for there man! * While seasoning if you put few drops of whiskey the oil won't burn
* While making a batter put in few drops of beer it will make the batter turn out golden brown
* Add some red wine to your gravy to enhance the taste
*.....and if you cant manage the above pour a... | 577,959 |
How do you know women don't watch porn? They all end up on Back Room Casting Couch. | 577,960 |
Husband: You're like homework Wife: Why? Are you gonna throw me on the table and do me all day?
Husband: No, leave you alone and masturbate. | 577,961 |
Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game. | 577,962 |
Why don't people like gay soccer players? They score against their own team. | 577,964 |
Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years Q: What did you do before you were married sir?
A: *with teary eyes* whatever the hell i wanted to do ... | 577,965 |
I like my cream like I like my slaves. Whipped.
*I'm so sorry* | 577,966 |
I caught a fish and let slip I was going to eat him He was gutted | 577,967 |
A lady cooks bunny rabbit meat for dinner... Kids: Mom , what's for dinner?
Mom: Its a surprise kids, but ill give you a hint .. it's what your father lovingly calls me.
Kids: Ewwww...mom!!!, you cooked a bitch for dinner?! | 577,968 |
I don't Bolivia Peru-v it. | 577,969 |
Knock Knock -Who's there?
-The pilot. Let me in
| 577,970 |
An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away.... A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. | 577,971 |
A man was masturbating for 48 days straight until finally he blew his load It was a long time coming. | 577,972 |
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions | 577,973 |
I was desperate, I *needed* a recipe for Indian bread! But I found naan... | 577,974 |
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. | 577,975 |
Why do programmers produce more garbage than others ? Because they (some of them) don't have a garbage collector. | 577,976 |
The two hardest things in programming? Naming things, caching things and off-by-one errors! | 577,977 |
How to start an internet fight: 1. Write a comment
2. Wait | 577,978 |
A plank of wood walks into a bar... And orders a strawberry liqueur. The bartender puts a drink in front of him and the plank of wood takes a sip. He immediately spits it out and exclaims "This isn't a strawberry liqueur! This is raspberry liqueur!" The bartender responds "I know! It's a sham, board!" | 577,979 |
What do you call a lesbian who doesn't believe in gods? A gay-theist.
EDIT: Spelling error. whoops | 577,980 |
Two arab brothers open a hotel Their names are Amil and Abed. | 577,981 |
A grasshopper walks into a bar . . . A grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender: Ya know, we have a drink named after you!
Grasshopper: You have a drink named Steve? | 577,982 |
Broken toilet = Bad shituation. | 577,983 |
Kanye joins One Direction as a replacement for Zayn... He kicks everyone out of the band and says: "If there's only one direction, it's West." | 577,985 |
Why did the scout leader get arrested? They caught him eating a brownie | 577,986 |
Newlywed Woman In Her 90s Is Interviewed There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.
"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much... | 577,987 |
I havent had sex But i spilled water on a cat once
Does that count as getting the pussy wet? | 577,988 |
Computer Science major walks into an English class The Professor says "Welcome to English 101".
The student panicks.
"What's wrong?" asks the Professor.
"I missed the first 4 English classes". | 577,989 |
What is the difference between a Mexican and a book? A book has papers. | 577,990 |
I want to go back in time... And change the way the letter 'eight' is pronounced to sodomized. Then in the future ask people why was nine afraid of seven? | 577,991 |
A horse walks in to a bar The bartender says "why the long face fella?" | 577,992 |
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if... | 577,993 |
People say when a bird poops on you it's good luck. My girlfriend still won't try it though. | 577,994 |
My wife doesn't know... That every time we have sex, I put a dollar into an envelope that goes toward her Christmas present. So far, she's getting a candy bar. | 577,995 |
A Woman Is Cooking Eggs In The Kitchen When Her Husband Comes Running In A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashe... | 577,996 |
People who shave their heads... I think people who shave their heads are really just saying, "I want a bigger forehead." | 577,997 |
An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!" | 577,998 |
How do you make a prepubescent laugh? Heh, pubes. | 577,999 |
Hey, are you one of the new guys? No I've always been a guy, why do you ask?
( I'm starting a new job in a few weeks, and I've been trying to come up with some new ice breakers. They're going to love me) | 578,000 |
Misc religion based puns What do you call a horse who doesn't believe in God?
Hay-thiest
What do you call a pig who believes in the old gods?
A pag-ham.
What do you call a practitioner of Hinduism who solely worships in the morning?
A Hin-dew.
What do you call a caveman unsure it he believes in tools or not?
Ag-no-s... | 578,001 |
I've got a good one, but make sure you're indoors before you read it. It's an inside joke. | 578,002 |
Common dialogue in SITCOMs When a guy proposes, the female responds "thank you"... Seen this in Friends, two and half men and the big bang theory... If its there in HIMYM.. PLS LET ME KNOW... | 578,003 |
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband Lady: I lost my Husband.
Inspector: What is his height?
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Lady: Changes according to ... | 578,004 |
Your mom is like a spider after sex... She usually kills her partn | 578,005 |
There's been a murder and the detectives suspect there's more than one accomplice... ...so two of them are at the crime scene when Jimmy, one of the detectives is caught listening to his iPod. The other detective, Frank, is horrified and quickly confiscates the device. He takes a look on the device and sees that he is ... | 578,007 |
How do you know when it's okay to swim in a pool of milk? When it's past your eyes. | 578,008 |
Can February march? No, but April may. :-}) | 578,009 |
What does a German snake say? ßßßß | 578,010 |
I overclocked my computer processor this morning... The time advanced by one hour. | 578,011 |
So, two guys went hunting During the hunt, one of them holds his chest, lets out a scream and faints. The other man hurried over, checks his breathing and frantically takes out his cellphone to call 911.
Operator: 911. What's your emergency?
Man: Help! I think my friend is dead! He is not breathing!
Operator: Sir. ... | 578,012 |
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rol... | 578,013 |
A pessimist and and an optimist fall off the top of a 100 story building...... The pessimist was heard screaming and cursing as he past the 20th floor. As the optimist fell past he quietly whispered "so far, so good"! | 578,014 |
A jewish guy asks his father for $20 His father replied, "ten dollars? what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter. | 578,015 |
Earlier today, scientists made it official that dolphins are second only to men when it comes to intelligence. So that pushes women further down to third place? | 578,016 |
The Human-like Gorilla A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens.
It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it.
So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gor... | 578,017 |
I'm like a single electron... Sometimes, when no one is watching, I interfere with myself. | 578,018 |
A guy in a hurry used the ladies toilet at a posh hotel... A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'..
He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.
Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!
He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM A... | 578,019 |
A horse walks into a bar. It kicks over the table and shits on the floor. | 578,020 |
Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist? He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion. | 578,021 |
Watching the news on the telly about a sunken cruise ship.... the TV presenter said she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court, all I did was glance at the wife and it's all fooking kicked off! | 578,022 |
Your cough sounds much better this morning? It should. I've been practicing all night! | 578,023 |
What always stays hot in the refrigerator? Horseradish | 578,024 |
Life on mars found... To be unlikely. | 578,025 |
When I was at school, the school bully used to make me rub my head against a giant piece of sandpaper. I was no match for him. | 578,026 |
TEAM DEATHMATCH TEAM DEATHMATCH
Comment if you understand the reference. | 578,027 |
A Duck Walks Into A Bar A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime, sits down and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Oh my God, a talking duck! What are you doing here?"
The duck replies, "I'm dry-walling the building across the street. I'll be in town for a few days."
The next day, th... | 578,028 |
You know how rich people prefer Bose, Bang & Olufsen and Marantz? That's just a stereotype. | 578,029 |
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems.. Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and
you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fl... | 578,030 |
Knock Knock (DBZ joke) Knock Knock
Who's there?
Krillin
Krillin who?
Bleugh (Krillin dies) | 578,031 |
Schrödinger is driving a car When he gets pulled over by a police officer.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" Asks the cop
Schrödinger doesn't answer.
So the cop asks again.
No answer.
The officer is starting to get nervous so he yells at Schrödinger to get out of the car so he can search it... When the officer o... | 578,032 |
Where does the baby come from The daddy tells his son: "You know the stork will bring your sister soon".
The boy answers: "You gotta be the greatest idiot. There's pussy all over town, and you're screwing the stork?" | 578,033 |
Q: Why'd the robber take a bath? A: He wanted to make a clean getaway. | 578,034 |
Do you know how I know that diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans. | 578,035 |
what kind of vegetable is the hypest a turnup obvs | 578,036 |
Sex positions for small penises Fuck! This isn't Google search. How do I delete this post? | 578,037 |
What's the difference between Arabs and Americans? American kids come home from boyscouts | 578,038 |
I just got back from the doctors.. And he said I should stop masturbating. I asked "why?" and he said "because I'm trying to examine you". | 578,039 |
What do you call the kinkiest/nastiest move from 50 Shades of Gray? The Gray Poupon | 578,040 |
A man signs up for an experimental weight loss program...... ......and he is told that they expect him to five pounds on the first day, ten pounds on the second day, and twenty pounds on the third day.
Naturally, the man agrees. He is brought to a room with a bed and a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a t shirt th... | 578,041 |
What do drug dealers sit on? KUSHions
please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is. | 578,042 |
What do you call it when you kill your friend? homiecide
| 578,043 |
What makes a feminist prostitute angry? She gets payed less than the transsexual prostitute. | 578,044 |
What's the best drink for a dog? An old faschund. | 578,045 |
what's green and floats? a leaf | 578,046 |
What country has the strictest dress code? Thai-land. | 578,047 |
Two illiterate Italian fishermen are out one day. After fishing for awhile Marco says to Luigi hey Luigi, this is a really good spot. Maybe tomorrow we come back here catch alotta fish. But don't tell nobody where! We betta marka the spot! So Luigi says I'm a gonna marka the spot. later on the way home, Marco says did... | 578,048 |
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, They're both stuck up cunts! | 578,049 |
How do you cure a nymphomaniac? Marry her. | 578,050 |
Weezer first to rustle jimmies? Say it aint so | … (hint 1:06) | 578,051 |
What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm | 578,052 |
What comes after a farting competition? Farty! | 578,053 |
I was going to have sex with my xbox but.. It made me microsoft | 578,054 |
If life gives you melons... Check for dyslexia | 578,055 |
Manufacturing Landmines I started manufacturing Landmines in my basement thinking that it'd be cheaper than buying them, but it still cost me an arm and a leg | 578,056 |
Hey man, want to buy some stolen peppers? Careful, they're hot. | 578,057 |
Did you know that World War II was classified as a "total war" by historians? [OC] Meaning that it involved the mass mobilization of a country's resources. Britain was one of the nations that really felt the effects of the so called "total war", as civilians played a greater role in the military than ever before. Even ... | 578,058 |
What do you call a potato that's high? [A baked potato.](http://www.spudstravels.com/Travel%20Archive/Caribbean/Jamaica_images/Cannabis%20-%20close.jpg) | 578,059 |
What do you call a sarcastic crimminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending. | 578,060 |
Son: Are you going anywhere Dad? Dad: No, I'm going to Romania. | 578,061 |
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