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Tips for married women who like to cook for there man! * While seasoning if you put few drops of whiskey the oil won't burn
* While making a batter put in few drops of beer it will make the batter turn out golden brown
* Add some red wine to your gravy to enhance the taste
*.....and if you cant manage the above pour a few 90ml whiskey pegs in your husband's stomach, then he wont give a shit about how your food tastes* :P | 577,959 |
How do you know women don't watch porn? They all end up on Back Room Casting Couch. | 577,960 |
Husband: You're like homework Wife: Why? Are you gonna throw me on the table and do me all day?
Husband: No, leave you alone and masturbate. | 577,961 |
Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game. | 577,962 |
Why don't people like gay soccer players? They score against their own team. | 577,964 |
Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years Q: What did you do before you were married sir?
A: *with teary eyes* whatever the hell i wanted to do ... | 577,965 |
I like my cream like I like my slaves. Whipped.
*I'm so sorry* | 577,966 |
I caught a fish and let slip I was going to eat him He was gutted | 577,967 |
A lady cooks bunny rabbit meat for dinner... Kids: Mom , what's for dinner?
Mom: Its a surprise kids, but ill give you a hint .. it's what your father lovingly calls me.
Kids: Ewwww...mom!!!, you cooked a bitch for dinner?! | 577,968 |
I don't Bolivia Peru-v it. | 577,969 |
Knock Knock -Who's there?
-The pilot. Let me in
| 577,970 |
An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away.... A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. | 577,971 |
A man was masturbating for 48 days straight until finally he blew his load It was a long time coming. | 577,972 |
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions | 577,973 |
I was desperate, I *needed* a recipe for Indian bread! But I found naan... | 577,974 |
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. | 577,975 |
Why do programmers produce more garbage than others ? Because they (some of them) don't have a garbage collector. | 577,976 |
The two hardest things in programming? Naming things, caching things and off-by-one errors! | 577,977 |
How to start an internet fight: 1. Write a comment
2. Wait | 577,978 |
A plank of wood walks into a bar... And orders a strawberry liqueur. The bartender puts a drink in front of him and the plank of wood takes a sip. He immediately spits it out and exclaims "This isn't a strawberry liqueur! This is raspberry liqueur!" The bartender responds "I know! It's a sham, board!" | 577,979 |
What do you call a lesbian who doesn't believe in gods? A gay-theist.
EDIT: Spelling error. whoops | 577,980 |
Two arab brothers open a hotel Their names are Amil and Abed. | 577,981 |
A grasshopper walks into a bar . . . A grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender: Ya know, we have a drink named after you!
Grasshopper: You have a drink named Steve? | 577,982 |
Broken toilet = Bad shituation. | 577,983 |
Kanye joins One Direction as a replacement for Zayn... He kicks everyone out of the band and says: "If there's only one direction, it's West." | 577,985 |
Why did the scout leader get arrested? They caught him eating a brownie | 577,986 |
Newlywed Woman In Her 90s Is Interviewed There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.
"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.
"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.
"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."
"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a funeral director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." | 577,987 |
I havent had sex But i spilled water on a cat once
Does that count as getting the pussy wet? | 577,988 |
Computer Science major walks into an English class The Professor says "Welcome to English 101".
The student panicks.
"What's wrong?" asks the Professor.
"I missed the first 4 English classes". | 577,989 |
What is the difference between a Mexican and a book? A book has papers. | 577,990 |
I want to go back in time... And change the way the letter 'eight' is pronounced to sodomized. Then in the future ask people why was nine afraid of seven? | 577,991 |
A horse walks in to a bar The bartender says "why the long face fella?" | 577,992 |
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk! | 577,993 |
People say when a bird poops on you it's good luck. My girlfriend still won't try it though. | 577,994 |
My wife doesn't know... That every time we have sex, I put a dollar into an envelope that goes toward her Christmas present. So far, she's getting a candy bar. | 577,995 |
A Woman Is Cooking Eggs In The Kitchen When Her Husband Comes Running In A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fri-
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves. | 577,996 |
People who shave their heads... I think people who shave their heads are really just saying, "I want a bigger forehead." | 577,997 |
An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!" | 577,998 |
How do you make a prepubescent laugh? Heh, pubes. | 577,999 |
Hey, are you one of the new guys? No I've always been a guy, why do you ask?
( I'm starting a new job in a few weeks, and I've been trying to come up with some new ice breakers. They're going to love me) | 578,000 |
Misc religion based puns What do you call a horse who doesn't believe in God?
Hay-thiest
What do you call a pig who believes in the old gods?
A pag-ham.
What do you call a practitioner of Hinduism who solely worships in the morning?
A Hin-dew.
What do you call a caveman unsure it he believes in tools or not?
Ag-no-stick. | 578,001 |
I've got a good one, but make sure you're indoors before you read it. It's an inside joke. | 578,002 |
Common dialogue in SITCOMs When a guy proposes, the female responds "thank you"... Seen this in Friends, two and half men and the big bang theory... If its there in HIMYM.. PLS LET ME KNOW... | 578,003 |
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband Lady: I lost my Husband.
Inspector: What is his height?
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing?
Lady: suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the lady started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first! | 578,004 |
Your mom is like a spider after sex... She usually kills her partn | 578,005 |
There's been a murder and the detectives suspect there's more than one accomplice... ...so two of them are at the crime scene when Jimmy, one of the detectives is caught listening to his iPod. The other detective, Frank, is horrified and quickly confiscates the device. He takes a look on the device and sees that he is listening to the song, 'Somebody Told Me'.
Jimmy quickly explains, "I was just trying to get into the mindset of The Killers Frank!" | 578,007 |
How do you know when it's okay to swim in a pool of milk? When it's past your eyes. | 578,008 |
Can February march? No, but April may. :-}) | 578,009 |
What does a German snake say? ßßßß | 578,010 |
I overclocked my computer processor this morning... The time advanced by one hour. | 578,011 |
So, two guys went hunting During the hunt, one of them holds his chest, lets out a scream and faints. The other man hurried over, checks his breathing and frantically takes out his cellphone to call 911.
Operator: 911. What's your emergency?
Man: Help! I think my friend is dead! He is not breathing!
Operator: Sir. Please calm down. First, you'll have to make sure your friend is really dead.
Then, a gunshot was heard by the operator.
Man: Okay. What now? | 578,012 |
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?" | 578,013 |
A pessimist and and an optimist fall off the top of a 100 story building...... The pessimist was heard screaming and cursing as he past the 20th floor. As the optimist fell past he quietly whispered "so far, so good"! | 578,014 |
A jewish guy asks his father for $20 His father replied, "ten dollars? what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter. | 578,015 |
Earlier today, scientists made it official that dolphins are second only to men when it comes to intelligence. So that pushes women further down to third place? | 578,016 |
The Human-like Gorilla A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens.
It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it.
So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day
if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo.
People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back,
he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.
A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.
Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.
The man starts screaming, "HELP!! HELP!!!"
Suddenly a lion pounces on him from behind and whispers in his ear,
"If you don't shut up you're going to get us both fired."
| 578,017 |
I'm like a single electron... Sometimes, when no one is watching, I interfere with myself. | 578,018 |
A guy in a hurry used the ladies toilet at a posh hotel... A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'..
He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.
Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!
He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.
Still loving it, He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.
Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR.
He later woke up in a hospital.
A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.
Your balls are in the jar over there! | 578,019 |
A horse walks into a bar. It kicks over the table and shits on the floor. | 578,020 |
Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist? He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion. | 578,021 |
Watching the news on the telly about a sunken cruise ship.... the TV presenter said she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court, all I did was glance at the wife and it's all fooking kicked off! | 578,022 |
Your cough sounds much better this morning? It should. I've been practicing all night! | 578,023 |
What always stays hot in the refrigerator? Horseradish | 578,024 |
Life on mars found... To be unlikely. | 578,025 |
When I was at school, the school bully used to make me rub my head against a giant piece of sandpaper. I was no match for him. | 578,026 |
TEAM DEATHMATCH TEAM DEATHMATCH
Comment if you understand the reference. | 578,027 |
A Duck Walks Into A Bar A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime, sits down and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Oh my God, a talking duck! What are you doing here?"
The duck replies, "I'm dry-walling the building across the street. I'll be in town for a few days."
The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says,
"Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They're really interested in meeting with you!"
"Is that so?"
"There's a travelling circus in town," the bartender explained.
"The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you'd be a star attraction for them!"
The duck looked puzzled and says, "Why the hell would a circus need a dry-waller?"
| 578,028 |
You know how rich people prefer Bose, Bang & Olufsen and Marantz? That's just a stereotype. | 578,029 |
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems.. Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and
you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like
the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a
question for you. If there were three women eating ice
cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the
second was biting her cone and the third was sucking
her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher
nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said
Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger, but I like the way you're thinking." | 578,030 |
Knock Knock (DBZ joke) Knock Knock
Who's there?
Krillin
Krillin who?
Bleugh (Krillin dies) | 578,031 |
Schrödinger is driving a car When he gets pulled over by a police officer.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" Asks the cop
Schrödinger doesn't answer.
So the cop asks again.
No answer.
The officer is starting to get nervous so he yells at Schrödinger to get out of the car so he can search it... When the officer opens the trunk he asks, "Did you know you have a dead cat back here?"
Schrödinger finally replies
"WELL I DO NOW ASSHOLE!" | 578,032 |
Where does the baby come from The daddy tells his son: "You know the stork will bring your sister soon".
The boy answers: "You gotta be the greatest idiot. There's pussy all over town, and you're screwing the stork?" | 578,033 |
Q: Why'd the robber take a bath? A: He wanted to make a clean getaway. | 578,034 |
Do you know how I know that diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans. | 578,035 |
what kind of vegetable is the hypest a turnup obvs | 578,036 |
Sex positions for small penises Fuck! This isn't Google search. How do I delete this post? | 578,037 |
What's the difference between Arabs and Americans? American kids come home from boyscouts | 578,038 |
I just got back from the doctors.. And he said I should stop masturbating. I asked "why?" and he said "because I'm trying to examine you". | 578,039 |
What do you call the kinkiest/nastiest move from 50 Shades of Gray? The Gray Poupon | 578,040 |
A man signs up for an experimental weight loss program...... ......and he is told that they expect him to five pounds on the first day, ten pounds on the second day, and twenty pounds on the third day.
Naturally, the man agrees. He is brought to a room with a bed and a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a t shirt that says "If you catch me, you can fuck me." He spends the rest of the day chasing her and loses five pounds.
He returns the second day and is brought to the same room. In there is an even more beautiful woman wearing a t shirt that says, "Catch me, and you can fuck me" printed on it. He chases her, catches her, and loses ten pounds.
He is brought to the same room on the third day but, instead of a beautiful woman, there is a huge, angry gorilla wearing a t shirt that says, "If I catch you, I'm gonna fuck you." | 578,041 |
What do drug dealers sit on? KUSHions
please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is. | 578,042 |
What do you call it when you kill your friend? homiecide
| 578,043 |
What makes a feminist prostitute angry? She gets payed less than the transsexual prostitute. | 578,044 |
What's the best drink for a dog? An old faschund. | 578,045 |
what's green and floats? a leaf | 578,046 |
What country has the strictest dress code? Thai-land. | 578,047 |
Two illiterate Italian fishermen are out one day. After fishing for awhile Marco says to Luigi hey Luigi, this is a really good spot. Maybe tomorrow we come back here catch alotta fish. But don't tell nobody where! We betta marka the spot! So Luigi says I'm a gonna marka the spot. later on the way home, Marco says dida you marka the spot like I tolla you?
Luigi says Yes, I put a X inna the bottom ofa the boat!
Marco says Estupidda! What iffa we donna getta the same boatta tomorrow?
| 578,048 |
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, They're both stuck up cunts! | 578,049 |
How do you cure a nymphomaniac? Marry her. | 578,050 |
Weezer first to rustle jimmies? Say it aint so | … (hint 1:06) | 578,051 |
What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm | 578,052 |
What comes after a farting competition? Farty! | 578,053 |
I was going to have sex with my xbox but.. It made me microsoft | 578,054 |
If life gives you melons... Check for dyslexia | 578,055 |
Manufacturing Landmines I started manufacturing Landmines in my basement thinking that it'd be cheaper than buying them, but it still cost me an arm and a leg | 578,056 |
Hey man, want to buy some stolen peppers? Careful, they're hot. | 578,057 |
Did you know that World War II was classified as a "total war" by historians? [OC] Meaning that it involved the mass mobilization of a country's resources. Britain was one of the nations that really felt the effects of the so called "total war", as civilians played a greater role in the military than ever before. Even though they were geographically separated from the rest of Europe, they were hit hard by the war. German shipping blockades cut off foreign supply, which meant that supplies had to be rationed, and many raw materials went towards the war effort, used in industrial production. This led to a shortage of some fabrics such as silk and cotton.Additionally, the British government demanded food rations be given to its people. As a result, many nutritional foods were scarce.
In response to the scarcity of fabric for clothing production, a British sheep farmer named Calvin Broadus invented a new type of fabric, which he called "tweed". This fabric was made of wool, but the British military found no practical use for it in the war effort. Due to the abundance of sheep in the United Kingdom, farmers everywhere started producing tweed, as Broadus' method was circulated rapidly by the British government.
As with the military, British civilians found few practical uses of the new "wonder material". It had poor insulation, was rough to wear, and it shrunk easily when washed, and most importantly didn't look fashionable. It seemed as though the war drained British creativity too, as fashion designers could find no suitable design with tweed. They settled with creating plaid designs with a few dull colors, since these could be produced more efficiently.
As the war moved on, Germany's control of mainland Europe and the water around Britain decreased. With the Americans now in the war, Britain's military centered industry (some would say a precursor the military industrial complex) had a break. The United States, with its large amount of resources, picked up some of the slack, reducing Britain's quota of war production. This meant good news for the British textile industry, which was reduced to producing for the war. Upper class British people could afford to buy expensive fabrics that were not available to them, such as the cotton and silk mentioned above. However, since the war was still going on, these materials were extremely expensive, so only British aristocrats could buy them.
In addition, excess tweed manufacturing gave Britain a surplus- they were left with more of this useless fabric than ever. British families were given large amounts of tweed. Some people tried making the tweed into useful items, like blankets, but due to its poor ductility, it took a long time to manufacture them. With British men in the military, women took up manufacturing jobs, in addition to their duties at home, which meant they were left with little time to deal with their surplus of tweed at home.
Women in London first discovered a useful application of tweed. By sheer luck, historians claim, these women discovered that burning a strand of tweed for a long time over a fire would produce a fibrous strand that was edible and nutritious. Scientists today found out that this product was nutritious due to ammonium nitrate in the sheeps' grazing land. The process of creating this fibrous food was still long, and it took about 12 hours. In order to increase efficiency (we see a pattern here), various women would prepare this in bulk amounts in city parks. During this time period, you would see bonfires throughout open spaces in the city, since British women were burning fabric. However, historians have discovered no pictures of these events, since the British government forbade photography (or destroyed photos) of this process as not to reveal secrets to the enemy.
The British military saw a problem in the post-tweed manufacturing process. German planes would be able to spot cities since there were large "tweed bonfires" as the process of making the fibrous food extended past daytime. So, the British government mandated that tweed production into food would only occur during the day, as not to assist the nighttime German blitzkriegs. This was seen as only a mild inconvenience to city-dwelling British people, but it still took all day, from sunrise to sunset, to produce this food.
In 1945, this process died out, since the war ended. This is why you do not see people doing this today. Due to the effectiveness of British intelligence, this process had been relatively unknown to foreigners. This changed, when in 1996 a man named Cordozar Broadus was walking his dog in a park in Manchester. They reached a heavily wooded section of the park, and his curious, but nosy dog unearthed a series of tools that were used in the tweed refining process. Broadus remembered seeing his father's war notes after snooping around in the attic. His father's extremely detailed notes described the procedure of tweed production. The inspired Broadus decided to do more research into the subject, but he was shut down by the British government. In 1998, Broadus, now a musical artist, decided to slowly reveal this secret, in an album, but under an alias (so the government wouldn't suspect him).
To credit his mischievous mutt, he used the pseudonym "Snoop Dogg", and released his single, "Smoke Tweed Everyday."
| 578,058 |
What do you call a potato that's high? [A baked potato.](http://www.spudstravels.com/Travel%20Archive/Caribbean/Jamaica_images/Cannabis%20-%20close.jpg) | 578,059 |
What do you call a sarcastic crimminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending. | 578,060 |
Son: Are you going anywhere Dad? Dad: No, I'm going to Romania. | 578,061 |
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