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Cemeteries are great places to practice social distancing. Everyone is always six feet away from you. | 801 |
If Dyson are making ventilators now, Does that mean you'll see all the phlegm spinning around at the front? | 802 |
Why did girls start shaving their pubes in the early 2000’s? Because bush did 9/11 | 803 |
Two men were having a conversation, the first bragged about how at work he has over 100 men under him. The other then replies "wow, that's awesome"
Then the first guy said "yeah, I work at a Cemetery!" | 804 |
I don't know much about the benefits the USNS Comfort can provide But its paint job is a big plus. | 805 |
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school. His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the... | 806 |
Story of the obscene boy His dad and the obscene boy were driving through the expressway when suddenly a dildo hit the windshield.
"Dad, what was that?"
As the father didn't want to ruin the purity of his young child's mind, he said: "Oh that? It was just a bird"
Then the boy said "That's a fucking big dick for a bi... | 807 |
What is the difference between a Chinese person and a goldfish? One is in a tank, the other is under a tank. | 808 |
A German, an Italian, and a Spaniard enter a bar... and were told to go home because they are closed.
Stay home, stay safe people. | 809 |
Why did the bike collapse? It was two tired | 810 |
Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19 Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19. She called the number and her own phone rang.
Husband is now in isolation. | 811 |
A joke my cousin told me when we were 8 There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:
-Where do you used to work at?
-Oh, I was a monster hunter.
-But monsters don't exist!
-You're welcome | 812 |
Whats the difference between a melon and a cantaloupe A melon Can elope | 813 |
My little brother: "I keep asking people what LGBT means... ...but no one is giving me a straight answer!" | 814 |
A massive fight happened at the mime convention You wouldn't have heard of it, they don't like talking about it. | 815 |
Did you hear about that terrible accident at the glue factory yesterday? It really stuck with me | 816 |
A Buddhist monk leaves his monastery after 10 years His fellow monks beg him not to leave, but he firmly tells them that he is leaving to begin spreading his new form of Buddhism. After a few months, the leader of the monastery happens to bump into him, and tries to convince him to come back. The monk, again, firmly sa... | 817 |
Decided to stop shaving to mark the start of quarantine I didn’t like my beard at first, but it’s really starting to grow on me. | 818 |
If you find vomit in the living room, and blood in the kitchen - where will you find semen? The baSEMENt | 819 |
Bored from the quarantine I started browsing Craigslist I found a radio on sale for 99¢, the only catch was that the volume knob was stuck on the highest level.
I thought to myself “can’t turn that down!” | 820 |
Elephant junk A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mom, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The father re... | 821 |
Corona free man seeks corona free woman with toilet paper. Please send pictures of toilet paper. | 822 |
Dad the lunch lady said some really bad words today son, your mum is under a lot of stress these days... | 823 |
What is secret agent's favorite dinosaur? A pte>!REDACTED!<yl. | 824 |
Is it just me or does 1000 miles not seem that far away? It's like 500 miles, then 500 more... Some might say you could walk that! | 825 |
Why did the boy sit on his watch? Because he wanted to be on time. | 826 |
A girl was sleeping in class (btw I'm new, so first time posting) A girl named Jess was sleeping in class, then the teacher asks Jess: 'Jess, who created the earth?' Now little Johnny was sitting behind her and had an unfolded paper clip, he poked Jess with it and Jess shouted 'Oh god' the teacher said correct.
Next l... | 827 |
Novel Coronavairus? Can’t I just watch the movie coronavirus? | 828 |
During WWII, Allied troops had confidence in their plan to storm the beaches. They were sure the Germans would nazi them coming. | 829 |
Where do King James Version Only churches post videos of their sermon? ThouTube | 830 |
How do you know when your hooker is dead? When you plug it in and she doesn't charge. | 831 |
A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft. ...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successful... | 832 |
Two friends were sitting together Two friends were sitting together watching a football match
One of them is a clown in a circus
They were all joking and laughing until the non-clown friend said to the other:
"seriously though jokes aside, what side are you supporting in the match"
The clown said "i support the... | 833 |
John walks into a toilet stall.... As he closes the door, sits down and do his business, the guy in the next stall starts talking:
Guy: Hey man, how’s it going?
John: Umm, alright I guess.
Guy: What are you doing now?
John: Well, I’m about to take a crap. What about you?
Guy: Hang on Mike, I’ll have to call you b... | 834 |
Little Johnny gets under the teachers skirt. So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." ... | 835 |
Reasons why i don't like watching netflix with my girlfriend 1. I don't have a netflix account
2. I don't have a girlfriend | 836 |
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions i do | 837 |
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy. | 838 |
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her Or something like that... | 839 |
I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident. It was a real bonding experience. | 840 |
If a horse does one thing, what does the cow do? an-udder thing! | 841 |
Working from home: On the hotline:
\- I'd like to speak with somebody on higher level.
Me:
\- Moooom..!!! | 842 |
What sex position makes the ugliest children? Ask your mom. | 843 |
The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar.... ...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"
The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more ... | 844 |
What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYEEEEEE | 845 |
What did one soda can say to another? What's all this fuzz about? | 846 |
A Buddhist monk goes to a store, buys a bottle of water for $1,00, pays with a $20 bill and the cashier keeps the change Monk: can I have the change?
Cashier: change comes from within. | 847 |
An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...
Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"
Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!" | 848 |
I knew a guy who was abusing alcohol despite heart problems We used to call him druncardi-b | 849 |
Young Tina is getting ready for a family meal, as her grandparents are on the way over.. Tina walks into her mums bedroom, where her mum is at the dressing table. Mum is applying lipstick when Tina says “Hey Mu-“
Mum jumps at the sound of Tina’s voice, drops her lipstick and shouts “Shit!”. Young Tina asks “What does ... | 850 |
Which Disney character loves wordplays? Peter Pun. | 851 |
I know a secret about Corona Virus, but I'm afraid you might spread it. | 852 |
I got fired from the calendar factory. They were really strict about employee taking a day off. | 853 |
(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls... Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.
Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."
Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."
... | 854 |
Your washbasin has been sitting outside of your front door since the outbreak began Let that sink in | 855 |
King jong-un tested positive for virus He killed everyone else to prevent the spread
He is a man of social commitment you know! | 856 |
One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick.
So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left hi... | 857 |
I heard my physician got arrested recently. He had joined the Doctors Without Boundaries. | 858 |
Keanu Reeves said to coronavirus You are breathtaking! | 859 |
In America, anyone can become President. That's the problem.
*^lovingly ^stolen ^from ^George ^Carlin.* | 860 |
Our local pastor was upset at our congregation's topologist today He said he was committing a deadly sin, being Holier than Thou. | 861 |
A bear walks into a bar... A bear walks into a bar, says I'll have a gin and...
...
...
...
...
tonic.
Bartender says "Sure, but why the huge pause?"
"These?" The bear says. "I was born with'em!" | 862 |
An computer inventor starts talking to his friend. “I’ve almost made a human-like robot!” He says.
“You mean it can think?” His friend replies.
“No, but when it fails, it puts the blame on the back of another computer.” | 863 |
Mom is the new black. Ok...I'll serve first.
Yo mama so old, she could make vintage porn tomorrow. | 864 |
We all know about the Freshman 15 But with all the gyms closed and eating so much take-out, I'm more worried about the Covid 19 | 865 |
How to kill boredom during the quarantine Don't get bored | 866 |
How do you get the nun pregnant ? Get a choir boy to fart into her pussy | 867 |
This ones from my late grandma. How do you make a hormone?
Forget to pay her! | 868 |
Experts in the USA are suggesting a lockdown could be the only solution to the current crisis. White House officials responded by saying that they tried it, but he keeps getting out. | 869 |
I have this awful affliction where I can’t stop telling airport jokes I think it’s terminal | 870 |
I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money. | 871 |
A Rabbi and a Priest are talking. They are arguing about whose religion is better.
Then, the priest goes to the rabbi, ‘Admit it, you’ve tried pork.’ The rabbi tells him that he hasn’t. The priest carries on asking him until eventually the rabbi admits it. He says, ‘Yeah I’ll admit it, I’ve tried it once. But now you ... | 872 |
Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted? Cuz he was outstanding in his field | 873 |
A little boy goes to his dad and asks: 'Dad, what's Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call... | 874 |
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in ... | 875 |
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. | 876 |
Did you hear about the new short nasal swab test for COVID-19? I guess it won't work on me.
&#x200B;
Credit to Governor Andrew Cuomo. | 877 |
A young woman gets her first job at the Tickle-me Elmo factory. The boss takes her up to the office that overlooks the assembly line and tells her what her job is. Then he sends her down. About an hour later the line leader comes up to the office and says, “Boss you gotta get this new girl off my line. She’s killing pr... | 878 |
You hear the commanding voice say “I’m hot. Put the plug in me and fill me up.” You respond, “Alexa, turn off bath notifications.” | 879 |
You can't breathe through your nose when you're smiling Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile | 880 |
Scientists have made a suprising discovery that there is a direct correlation between colder weather in conjunction with the Corona virus epidemic... and increase in number of ninjas on the streets. | 881 |
A police officer stopped a car for speeding A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’
The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be sil... | 882 |
I walked in on my Roommate using Anal beads Guess you could say she was going Balls-deep | 883 |
What do you call a person who likes to hang out with musicians? A Drummer! | 884 |
When you work from home, what do you call a cat on the stairs in the morning? Traffic. | 885 |
I found out why it’s a bad idea to share secrets on a farm.. The corn has ears,
The potatoes have eyes.
And Ezekiel had a shotgun when found me with his daughter! | 886 |
What did the nurse say when she pulled rectal thermometer out of her pocket? “Which one of you assholes took my pen?” | 887 |
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be ... | 888 |
A B-road walks into a Bar, he orders a pint, sits down, and starts reading the newspaper. 5 minutes later an A road walks into a bar, he orders a pint, sits down, and starts reading the newspaper.
The B-road moves to the opposite side of the bar, peeking frightfully over the top of his newspaper at the larger, higher ... | 889 |
Light travels faster than sound Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. | 890 |
A man and his pregnant wife A man and his wife had been married for some time now. The woman was pregnant and had been for many months. When her water broke they rushed to the hospital. The man said to his wife
“Honey I can’t watch this, you’re in pain and I just can’t see you suffer like this. I need to leave the roo... | 891 |
pickle rick thats the joke | 892 |
Why are narcissists paranoid? Because people are jealous of what I have and will try to take it from me at any cost | 893 |
I've sneezed today... ... so hard, that when everyone turned their heads to me, I thought I was in The Voice. | 894 |
My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about I still wish she hadn't got one | 895 |
Well, well, well, how the turntables... Airlines before:
\- Ticket is 50€.
\- Oh, you want to sit too? That’s 10€ extra.
\- Want extra leg space? 10€ extra.
\- Oh, you didn’t print your boarding pass? That will be 20€.
\- What? Your luggage is too heavy? 50€, please.
\- Oops, we overbooked this flight, sorry, yo... | 896 |
Possibly the funniest clean joke of all time. This guy owns a circus, see? And one day he's in there, checking out the big top, and this scrawny little guy walks in the door. He walks over to the boss, and he says "Are you the boss here?"
Guy says "Yeah. What do you want?"
He says "I'd like to join the circus. I got ... | 897 |
The next generation of the Nigerian email scam is here :P Hello My Dear
Calvary Greetings in the name of the ALMIGHTY
I am Mrs Monica Gorgia from Switzerland I am married to Mr Joseph Gorgia who is a wealthy business man here in Burkina Faso. we are devoted christian.
We own a papermill in Nigeria where w... | 898 |
"Make me a sandwich, woman!" "Uh, welcome to subway" | 899 |
How many Trumps does it take to change a lightbulb? One. One to hold the lightbulb as the world revolves around them. | 900 |
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