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What's the most difficult thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you're gay | 901 |
Most of them won't get it. Don't tell COVID-19 jokes to anti-social people. | 902 |
Third time is the charm. A grocery store opened early for senior citizens. A long, orderly line began to form. Suddenly a young man tried to cut in line and was subsequently beaten by an old woman with a cane and chased back to his car. A few minutes later the young man tried it again only this time he was punched in the stomach by an old man and he ran away. The third time the young man walked up and yelled, "If you old people don't let me unlock the door, none of us are getting in!" | 903 |
Good news about stop signs The ones with white boarders are optional after 1AM.
The good news given to this year's driver's ed class! | 904 |
Everyone needs to listen to The Police and Don't stand so close to me | 905 |
What do you call your workmates during the lockdown? Linkedinmates | 906 |
5 Stages of mental breakdown during lockdown 1. Looking at the sky/ceiling endlessly
2. Thinking you've caught the virus
3. Crying/sudden outbursts
4. Violent streaks
5. Opening a Tik Tok account | 907 |
Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? because you should ***never turn your back on family.*** | 908 |
A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
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Now it's your turn. | 909 |
I Just read a book on Stockholm syndrome I didn't like it at first, but towards the end I loved it | 910 |
Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents | 911 |
Why are mathematicians sent to hell? Cos they commit a lot of sin
Low effort | 912 |
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her… As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!" | 913 |
I'm with the government when it comes to solving our countries problems I haven’t got a fucking clue either | 914 |
Little known fact: Jesus was a street sweeper. Yeah, Jesus swept. | 915 |
My first wife and I got divorced over religious differences. I was Lutheran and she was Satan. | 916 |
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar. The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home. | 917 |
Politicians are currently chastising people in the media for not staying in their homes. It must suck to have people not do what you need them to do. | 918 |
fat man bye 100 burge he die of fat | 919 |
Studies have found the more you know the less happy you are. Imagine being all knowing, that would suck.
~.^ | 920 |
Where do weight lifters like to go on holiday? Gainsborough | 921 |
EARTH: I am dying. Too much pollution, the icebergs are melting. The ozone layers keep depleting everyday. My seas and rivers become human's waste bins. My forests are being demolished. What should I do?? COVID-19: Yo, bro. Do u need my help?? | 922 |
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." | 923 |
The National Organization for Women wants to ban the Association of visually impaired women They see their entire organization as an example of a flawed women's view. | 924 |
Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days The lion starts hunting the two men. The men sprint as fast as they can until of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He turns to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Overjoyed to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads toward the lion. As he nears closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive." | 925 |
What do you call a Welsh man with five sheep? A pump
E: Only Welsh people will get this | 926 |
What do you call guys that do anal Fucking assholes | 927 |
What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in? Degrees. | 928 |
The Determinism Society's fundraiser completely bombed. They couldn't get any free-will donations. | 929 |
I'm pretty sure someone at the French restaurant tainted my fish... I think I've been poissoned | 930 |
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for.... Times New Ramen! | 931 |
a man tries some pathetic pickup lines on a pretty girl in a bar \- is there a renovation in heaven or something?
the girl turns "what? why?" she asks.
"oh, they send you to earth so i tought there must be some repairing going on in heaven"
"oh no" the girl answers. "I was fired."
"fired?how? for what?"
"ah... god said I was making angels jelous or something.."
"oh cmon. you can't be serious."
"yes. but you started it.." | 932 |
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. | 933 |
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on Viagra? I heard they couldn't close the casket | 934 |
People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home. | 935 |
I told my family a Coronavirus joke... ...my grandparents were the only ones who got it. | 936 |
There are 5 flies in a kitchen. Which one is the cowboy? It's the one on the range. | 937 |
I gave my wife a dart and a world map, told her "Throw the dart! We will vacation there once the pandemic ends!"... Turns out we are going to be spending time in the hospital.
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Also my cock hurts. | 938 |
If God’s first couple were Chinese... If God’s first couple were Chinese we would still be in paradise and not committed the first sin.
They would have eaten the snake and ignored the apple.... | 939 |
Stuck in TV Hell Today, I'm self isolating with a mother who hogs the remote but doesn't know how to use it, and is so short-sighted she can barely see the TV. Every five minutes, I hear, "What have I done now?", "How have I got onto this then?" and she won't let me help her. | 940 |
A woman runs into a police station She yells to the police officer "Help! Help! I've been graped!"
The officer replies "Don't you mean raped?"
She says "No! There was a bunch of 'em!" | 941 |
There’s a sparrow outside my window every morning that sings the same repeated song, and I really get a kick out of it. It’s a real cheep trill | 942 |
Corona jokes These days.
Husband and wife at home.
Wife: since we can't go out, how about some lovemaking?
Husband: but don't we have to keep two meter distance from each other?
Wife: not a problem in your case. | 943 |
I remember the good 'ol days where I used to have sex with a prostitute for $100....... ....it was a bang for the buck. | 944 |
My Favorite Joke. This joke is slowly dying as people of a certain age pass, so I have to use it quickly:
A hotdog runs down to its mailbox and finds an envelop from Ed McMahon that says, "You may already be a wiener."
This is my first post...and probably my last. Sorry and your welcome. | 945 |
Trypophobia and homophobia are the same thing Whichever one you have, you stay away from holes. | 946 |
A billionaire wants to go on vacation somewhere off the beaten path. A billionaire wants to go on vacation somewhere off the beaten path. So he consults with his travel agency and eventually decides to go to the Shetland islands. He excitedly packs his bags, ready for some rich adventure.
However, he soon finds himself shacked up in a log cabin with no electricity or plumbing, and its raining non-stop. After three days of eating rations and trying to keep the fire going, he finally hears a ***THUD THUD THUD*** at the door.
He opens the door to find a 6'7" Shetlander standing on his porch.
"Can I help you?"
"Aye boyo. Yer that American in town."
"Yes, I'm on vacation, and honestly you're the first living soul I've seen since I got here!"
"Well boyo, we're havin a Shetland party. You comin?"
"Sure! What's a Shetland party?"
"All ya need ta know is there'll be a lot o' drinkin, a lot o' fightin, and a lot o' makin love."
"Hey sounds great, count me in! What should I wear?"
"Don't matter much boyo, its only gonna be you and me." | 947 |
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.
“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says.
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.” | 948 |
A high Roman here IV XX yeah! | 949 |
What type of tea does queen elizabeth love to drink? Immortali-Tea | 950 |
So drunk he can't stand up An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
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**EDIT** - Read the sidebar if you don't like the joke! Glad I could make most of you have a laugh :) | 951 |
Why will space be a popular tourist spot? The view is breathtaking and will leave you speechless
Only science geeks will understand | 952 |
What did O and P said to Q and R? zip your pants | 953 |
I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance. It was lovely 2 metre. | 954 |
I was kidnapped by mimes They did unspeakable things to me | 955 |
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and trade it for liquor. | 956 |
Paintball is a very violent sport It involves a lot of dyeing | 957 |
I made a belt out of watches once It was a waist of time | 958 |
What was the Third Reich's chief export? Oppressed Juice | 959 |
2 Germans in a bar in London: \- 2 Martinis, please.
\- Dry?
\- NEIN! ZWEI! | 960 |
A husband and wife go to a sex therapist. "Our sex life seems kind of dull." The therapist says, "Okay, first of all, how often do you have sex?" The husband says, "Once a week." The therapist says, "That's not bad at all. When and where do you usually do it?" The wife says, "Every Thursday night, 8:00, doggie style in front of the TV." The therapist says, "Well that might be something we can work with. Have you ever thought of changing it up a little, maybe vary your positions, do it at different times, different places around the house?" They both say, "*WHAT??* And miss Maverick???" | 961 |
What do you call it when you try to hold in a sneeze but fart instead? A Substi-toot | 962 |
Crap A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.
Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence.
"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"
The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed.
Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the couch!"
Happily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one fly.
Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF THAT COUCH BEFORE HE CRAPS ON YOU!!!" | 963 |
Do you know about the World Health Organization? Me : WHO? | 964 |
Hello Darkness, my old friend... OWW!! Fucking coffee table! God Dammit!!! | 965 |
Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road... As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them.
Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and hesitantly pulls up her shirt and waves at them.
The two workers are getting all excited and see if they can take it further. They start yelling across the street for her to completely strip for them. Once again, she looks around and hesitantly gets completely naked on the side of the road and blows them a kiss!
At this point, the two workers are jumping up and down and giving each other high fives. All of a sudden, the female looks at them and yells, “Your Turn!”
The two construction workers are getting nervous and one turns to the other and says, “Show her ur nuts, show her ur nuts!!”
So the worker nods his head and starts flailing his arms and yelling “Lahanalahailaoalhiao” | 966 |
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos. | 967 |
What do you call a plane on the ground? Not an airplane. | 968 |
A guy is sitting in the doctor’s office, when the doctor walks in.. “I have some bad news, you’re gonna have to stop jerking off” said the doctor. “I don’t understand doc, why?” Asked the patient. “Because I’m trying to continue the prostate exam!” | 969 |
Why is a long form joke like a Coronavirus denier's mantra? Most people won't get it. | 970 |
My dick was in the Guinness book of World Records Until the librarian saw me | 971 |
What do you get when a rooster tortures a male cow? Cock and Bull torture | 972 |
Apparently one of the side effects of coronavirus is no taste... Thoughts go out to all the Nickelback fans out there | 973 |
I once saw an angel during maths class outside the window i guess you can say i saw an acute angle | 974 |
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had He started to count but he fell asleep. | 975 |
You know your dad is drunk when He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms
He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm
The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles
When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal
When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal
His dance moves suddenly triple in number | 976 |
What has five fingers and will never get old? Unvaccinated Children . | 977 |
People who use Snapchat used filters to add masks. Now they need filters to remove the masks.
​
​
Covid-19 | 978 |
Never ask a skunk for their opinion. You might get their 2 scents. | 979 |
three monster hunters walk into the tavern the tavern-keeper says "why do you have those swords"
monster hunters say "in case we find some mimics"
they laugh, the tavern-keeper laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table, they had a good time | 980 |
I like my women how I like my coffee with my dick in it | 981 |
I told my friend that the current prime minister of Canada is Donald Trump It's not Tru, deau. | 982 |
A person called me a man of culture Dang I didn’t know my sperm milk was that old | 983 |
The Taxi Driver and the Nun One Halloween night a taxi driver is driving down the street. On a corner he sees a nun. Being a gallant fellow, he pulls up and offers her a ride. The nun graciously accepts and off they go. After a little bit the driver turns to the nun.
"Forgive me sister," he begins, "but it has always been a fantasy of mine to kiss a nun. Would I be able to kiss you?" The nun, obviously startled, thinks for a moment. Finally she turns back to the driver.
"Of course my son." She then points to an empty parking lot. " Pull in here and then you may kiss me." The driver quickly pulls in and deeply kisses the nun. After the event they continue driving. Soon the driver starts crying.
"My son, what is the matter?" asks the nun.
The man continues to cry and says "Forgive me sister but that was wrong of me. You took a vow of chastity and yet I made you break it to kiss you."
The nun smiles and says "Oh it's quite alright my son. If it's any consolation to you, my name is Dave. I'm on my way to a costume party!" | 984 |
A man said, "blow my mind" so i shot him with a 12 gauge | 985 |
I was trying to make an unemployment joke But none of them work | 986 |
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is! | 987 |
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is quite heavy
The other is a little lighter | 988 |
The wife's leaving me because of my sexual fetishes I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out. | 989 |
I joined a new coronavirus cult-- The Branch Covidians | 990 |
What do you call the coronavirus pandemic as an act of war instigated by China? Cold War II | 991 |
I’ve got a method for turning fat from human corpses into candles. If anyone else is wanting to make light of the situation. | 992 |
What is a kidnappers favorite shoe White vans | 993 |
Why do indians call first sex after marriage as 'first night'? it is the first time they are having sex at night. | 994 |
What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns? I'm sorry you *fuel* that way | 995 |
Lifesavers, get a hole lot more outta life A teacher gave each of her students a packet of Lifesavers candy and had them all identify the flavours by colour.
Red = cherry
Yellow = lemon
Green = lime
Orange = orange
Finally, all the class were stuck on the last lifesaver flavour, the translucent Honey flavoured lifesaver.
The teacher said “I’ll give you a hint about the flavour. it’s something your Mother may sometimes call your Father”
After a few moments, one little girl spat her lifesaver out in disgust and yelled OH MY GOD THEY’RE ASSHOLES!!
The teacher had to leave the room. | 996 |
I’m just sitting on my butt here waiting for some money from the government. Gluteus taximus. | 997 |
What's the weather saying today? Baa, as usual. | 998 |
I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter. Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing. | 999 |
Mennonite tv Did you know that the Mennonite community has been making their own version of popular tv shows and movies for years, they change small things to keep it safer for their religious beliefs and community.
For example this weekend I watched their version of the mandalorian, complete with baby Yoder! | 1,000 |
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