text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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Guess who just woke up to 30 missed calls from their Ex My Ex | 1,001 |
What’s another name for a bra? A booby trap. | 1,002 |
My girlfriend's legs are like an Oreo Because I always want to split them apart and eat the cream in between. | 1,003 |
What's the most frequently visited place in Nevada by Dentists? Floss Vegas...
I will leave now. | 1,004 |
What brings more questions than satisfying answer?? J.J Abrams movies/shows. | 1,005 |
You’re about to drive with your mother and your wife. Who sits in the back? You do. | 1,006 |
More of a pun, but I was working on a Nazi Germany Jigsaw the other day. It was super hard. Jew think I’ll ever figure out the final solution, because I’ve been camped out on this one for a while. | 1,007 |
What do ghost boobs Still are called boo bs | 1,008 |
Someone took my latest memo, ate it, and then had to go to the toilet twice. But I am used to having my proposals poo pooed. | 1,009 |
With the new coronavirus outbreak Worldwide, the only people who can get closer than 6 feet to us are the police So we have to tell them "Don't Stand So Close to Me." | 1,010 |
when does a graveyard become a raveyard When the technomancer shows up | 1,011 |
A new inmate meets his cellmate and is asked, "Do you want to be momma... or do you want to be daddy?" The new inmate was hesitant before nervously answering, "Daddy?"
His cellmate says, "Alright, well get over here and suck momma's dick." | 1,012 |
What do you call a 19 year old guy that likes to date old women? ​
Covid, cause he's 19 and takes older people to bed. | 1,013 |
(Told this one to a girl once lol)-- Are your parents chicken farmers? Cause you´re raising my cock | 1,014 |
Car accident A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but f... | 1,015 |
I told my wife I have the C Oh Fuck! You have Corona?
No it’s only Cancer. | 1,016 |
Why can’t Chinese people play cricket? Because they would eat the bat! | 1,017 |
Why did Peter Pan never grow up? Because how can you grow a Pixar film? | 1,018 |
A man walks into a butcher shop... and asks for the meat from the top shelf.
The butcher says “Sorry friend but the steaks are too high.” | 1,019 |
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it. I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes. | 1,020 |
My friend who lives in Michigan just had his toilet stolen. Can’t have shit in Detroit. | 1,021 |
What’s the difference between Horny and hungry? Where you put the cucumber. | 1,022 |
What do Apache men like the most? A Navajo. | 1,023 |
The Middle East discovered their patient zero His name is al-Khwarantin | 1,024 |
Hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-in movie? She went to see "Closed For The Winter". | 1,025 |
My girlfriend tried to cut off my penis but missed She'll be charged with a missed da Weiner | 1,026 |
What was the rallying cry of the trio of rotting leaves? d'three of us matter! | 1,027 |
What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off Oh no I’ve been defeeted | 1,028 |
With all the bars closed, how horribly ironic is it that Joe Diffie died? We can't even prop him up beside the juke box. | 1,029 |
The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19 He’s down with the sickness | 1,030 |
Why was the horse named Mayo? Because Mayo neighs!!!!!! | 1,031 |
Essential retail workers still have to deal with stuck-up shoppers who just won't stay home. They're in karentine. | 1,032 |
Donald Trump has been tested.. He managed to get the square into the square slot but struggled with the triangle and circle. | 1,033 |
What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic? Mask-ara | 1,034 |
This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia) Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured ou... | 1,035 |
My dad really cares about me He has been practicing social distancing for 20 years now | 1,036 |
My mom is pissed at me for giving her COVID-19 She says we got it because I’m not playing Xbox all the damn time | 1,037 |
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?” He responded, “can’t complain.” | 1,038 |
Mom, are we pyromaniacs? Yes we arson. | 1,039 |
The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios | 1,040 |
What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien | 1,041 |
Did you here about the new movie coming out about the corona virus? It’s directed by Tentin Quarantino. | 1,042 |
Someday the world will end... Maybe not today,
Maybe not tomorrow,
Probably Wednesday. | 1,043 |
I just got temporarily relocated due to downsizing And moved into a condo until my family can join me. As I was unpacking, my neighbor came over to introduced himself and even offered to help me get setup.
As he was leaving, he said “hey, I’m having a party tomorrow night and you are more than welcome to come. There ... | 1,044 |
Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines... Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines.
Trump: "Our submarines are the best! They can stay under water for 4 months without the need to refuel!"
... | 1,045 |
I was so mad about getting the bloody coronavirus, I've told everyone I know. I feel better now though. Turns out, I just needed to vent. | 1,046 |
A redneck had been having sex with his girlfriend for three straight hours. After all that exertion, he told her he needed to stop because he was starting to get a painful cramp in his back.
She didn't want to stop, though, and begged him to keep going.
Flattered by her request, he thought hard about continuing.... | 1,047 |
I think I’ll self- isolate in a tent.. And change my name to Tentin Quarantino. | 1,048 |
I asked my wife if Trumps “stimulus” got her excited... She replied, “Well yeah, if it’s money”
It was the first time that she’d said anything positive about the man.
Then, “I guess now I know how his wives feel.” | 1,049 |
I joined this subreddit Because my life is like a grandpa telling a joke. Goes on and on and has no point at the end. | 1,050 |
Humans from a parallel universe, where things are vastly different have technologically developed far enough such that the can travel to another universe They start by finding the human civilisations in other universes. After looking around a while, they found a magical land where if a body is at rest or moving at a co... | 1,051 |
A recently divorced man... A recently divorced man, feeling a bit down in the dumps, heads to his local bar. After about 15 minutes, a beautiful woman sits down next to him and strikes up a conversation. They’re getting along great, talking away, when the woman confides to him that her husband divorced her because he t... | 1,052 |
three statisticians walk into a bar and the barman asks do you all want a beer? the first says I don’t know.
the second says I don’t know.
the third says yes please. | 1,053 |
Distance matters Six feet apart or six feet under.... | 1,054 |
Have you guys seen Garfield lately? Heard that he was in catainment | 1,055 |
Did you hear about the angry Air Force Registered Nurse? They’re mad AF RN. | 1,056 |
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender says: “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an ... | 1,057 |
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff | 1,058 |
Jack off to all trades, masturbate to none. The full saying | 1,059 |
What do you get when you mix a gnome plus a Ricardo and a streamer with around 6 million subscribers? Mini Ladd | 1,060 |
A man crossing London Bridge sees a pretty woman struggling to keep her mini skirt down in the wind so he says : A bit airy isn't it? She replied: What the ell you expect feathers? | 1,061 |
What Do You Call A Cheap Circumcision? What do you call a cheap circumcision?
...A rip-off... | 1,062 |
My wife said she wanted me to have a threesome with her and another guy however she wanted me to get to know the other fellla first It was a mandate | 1,063 |
Chickens lay eggs, but who lays the chickens? The rooster of course! | 1,064 |
What was the name of the pirate that loved pissing on people? Aaaarghh Kelly | 1,065 |
I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog | 1,066 |
How do you put a baby in a bottle? Blender
How do you get him out?
Chips | 1,067 |
A local shoe factory burnt down the other day... This can only mean one thing:
Evil is afoot! | 1,068 |
Coronavirus is having a huge impact on my local area My favourite strip club is clothed | 1,069 |
Wife & Husband Wife: "Do you want anything yo eat?"
Husband: "What are the choices?"
Wife: "Yes or fucking No." | 1,070 |
A classic Canadian Joke. A Mainlander is driving down the highway and runs over a rabbit. Wondering what noise was, he stops his car and gets out to look. While he's standing there a newfie pulls up and asks him what's going on.
The mainlander says, "I'm just here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed ... | 1,071 |
I paid a black magician I was worried about these uncertain times.
To protect myself and my energy, I paid a black magician a witch $10k.
She performed some weird rituals and said, "Now, you're protected. Only *positive* things shall happen to you."
She was right!
I tested *positive* for Coronavirus. | 1,072 |
Do you know what's the worst streaming service when you're already stuck at home sick? DirecTB. | 1,073 |
Going to the grocery store in 2020 be as risky as raw dogging in 1985 At least back then you got laid | 1,074 |
TIL that Diarrhea is actually hereditary. It runs in your jeans | 1,075 |
Knock knock “Who’s there”
“You”
“You who?”
“Big summer blow out” | 1,076 |
The Coronavirus cure is going to come from Wish.com It will come from China and could take 6-18 months to get here | 1,077 |
A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by. Girl: Gross
German guy: Thanks! | 1,078 |
I don’t always go the extra mile... But when I do, it’s because I missed my exit. | 1,079 |
I wrote a song about the coronavirus. It took drastic measures. | 1,080 |
With everything crazy going on I do have to admit. We are facing an outbreak Of Paranoia!!! | 1,081 |
Each computer language's first program was called "Hello, world!" ... but not anymore. We have arrived at "Hello, home!" | 1,082 |
A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman. "Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."
The doctor gives the w... | 1,083 |
Area 51 Gaurds V.S. Wife You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and haule... | 1,084 |
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesnt matter what you call him, he isn't coming. | 1,085 |
If a group of bunnies is called a fluffle, and a group of crows are considered a murder Then a group of humans right now can be considered illegal | 1,086 |
I'm running out of things to watch on TV. I just finished a movie about five families of fish competing for control of the reef... It was called "The Codfather". | 1,087 |
What do you call a bunny if it makes jokes and puns? Bugs Punny | 1,088 |
The boredom of self isolation. Day (9) Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?
If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently. | 1,089 |
What do you call Dracula when he doesn't know what to say next? An Umpire | 1,090 |
I'm well known for making my fortune in the mattress industry It's why they call me "Bed Company", and I can't deny. | 1,091 |
I made a chicken salad this morning Stupid thing won't even eat it. | 1,092 |
The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick. I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him. | 1,093 |
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the
plane starts to move, the passengers are
uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it
Stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets
Smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing
towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenl... | 1,094 |
I don’t know how to fix my little brother’s electric guitar. And I already tried tuning it off and back on again. | 1,095 |
Seven Mary Three went to the government office to register their band name, Because that's how bands get started,
And they were like "Seven Mary!"
to which the person at the desk responded "Sorry but that's taken"
so they went, "How about Seven Mary 2 then?"
and he goes "Sorry but that's taken as well."
Finally th... | 1,096 |
Hey, is your name Corona? Because you put the cute, in acute respiratory failure | 1,097 |
I told my boss I needed a raise, and that I had three companies after me. “Three companies?!”
“Oh yeah.”
“All right, fine, here’s your raise. By the way, which three companies?”
“Gas, Water, and Electric.” | 1,098 |
I lived in a flat with three girls Until they found out. | 1,099 |
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists create life in lab! Darkness, faulty condoms blamed. | 1,100 |
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