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Homie, get out of that treehouse! | Move the net under the window. |
Our little hero sure likes Kahlua and Cream. | Quit following me, you coward! |
Mr. Simpson, how long have you been a cat person? | All my life, Kent. I prefer "catsup" to "ketchup." And to me, "Yusuf Islam" will always be "Cat Stevens." |
Terrific stuff. You must really love the Broadway musical "Cats." | God no, it sucks. |
Seems like you're quite the animal lover. Do you have any other pets? A dog perhaps? | Kent, let me make this perfectly clear. I have no dog. |
Int. simpson house - living room - continuous -) | Hmm... needs beer. |
Int. simpson house - living room - continuous -) | Why you little...! |
Stop it, Homer, that's inhumane! Use the choke chain! | Fine. |
Stop it, Homer, that's inhumane! Use the choke chain! | I want you to just sit there, look through the window and watch me eat a ham. Marge, prepare the emergency ham. |
According to this contract, we have to change his name to "Suds McDuff." | I don't care if his name is Bony McDork, just make the checks out to me. |
It also says we will receive royalties in perpetuity, a bottomless keg of beer and unlimited use of the Duff corporate jet. | Corporate jet? |
Oh pilot, let's swing by... oh, Heidelberg and drop in on Oktoberfest. | Sweet. |
Oh pilot, let's swing by... oh, Heidelberg and drop in on Oktoberfest. | Welcome back to the family, boy. |
Dad, five minutes ago you hated him. | Who are you, my biographer? |
...eight, nine, ten wads of cash. Your dog has sent Duff beer sales through the roof. | Boy, you're now second best in the family, right ahead of Marge. |
Oh really? Well this tape says different. | Kent, let me make this perfectly clear. I have no dog. |
Dad, you can't let him take our dog! | My wads! I never even broke the wrapper. |
But I miss him. He was my best friend. | Aww. There, there, boy. I'll help you get him back. He may have been a dirty, stinkin' coward, but show me a Simpson that isn't. |
I'm not a coward. | All right, you're not a coward. And that's beside the point because-- |
Look, to get our dog back, we need a plan. | A plan, eh? Okay, we'll use a plan. |
This stunt cost fifty million dollars! | Help! Help! I'm drowning! |
And you've been bitching about it for thirty years. | Everything is going according to plan. I'll just keep thrashing around like an injured seal. |
Are you there, God? It's me, Duffman. | Now let me think. How did that beautiful young naked lady in "Jaws" make it out alive? |
It's good to have you back with the Simpsons. | I'm sorry I was ever mean to you. Marge, prepare the celebration ham. |
All we have left are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham. | Marge, they're just hams, okay. |
Uh-oh, Dad. I think he peed on the rug. | To me that says "I love you." |
I think he left a "big hug" in your lunch box. | Aw, it was probably that stupid cat. |
That cat saved your life. | What has he done for me lately? |
He woke you up when you stopped breathing last night. | Yeah, but he ate the last can of tuna. |
Dad, you ate the last can of tuna. | Everyone's against me. |
Homie, where have you been? I've been calling all over for you! | Hey, take it easy. I went to the video store, to rent a movie for the family... |
He's Editor-In-Chimp! | That monkey's wearin' a hat. |
Hush up, Nana. That's fool talk. | Look, he's misspelling words. |
Well from now on, you need to get a cell phone so I can reach you. | You can't just "get" a cell phone. |
Lindsay Naegle -- Veriqual Cellular. And I can offer you a whole range of cellular solutions. | Can I get a phone that plays the Mexican Hat Dance? |
I insist on it. | I DANCE, I DANCE, I DANCE / AROUND A MEXICAN HAT / I DANCE, I DANCE, I DANCE / AND THAT'S THE END OF THAT / OR IS IT I GUESS I'LL KEEP SINGING / MY CELL PHONE APPEARS TO BE RINGING... |
Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road. | Hands-free, eh? Then I could give the brothers the black power salute. |
Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road. | Black power! Black power! |
Of course we have headsets. But you would be mad to stop there. Tell me -- what is currently plugged into your car's cigarette lighter? | Uh... a lighter. |
I weep for you. These days, everything from fax machines to coffee makers can be plugged into your "dash hole." | I'll take 'em. |
Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture while scraping the edges with a stiff rubber spatula. Now let's look in on our hushpuppies. | Oh my God! I've got to do something. |
Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture while scraping the edges with a stiff rubber spatula. Now let's look in on our hushpuppies. | Come on, transmit. Transmit! |
Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture while scraping the edges with a stiff rubber spatula. Now let's look in on our hushpuppies. | Save me Chaka Khan! Chaka Khannnn! |
I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does -- picks up the slack. | That reminds me, we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville. |
Why can't you use the local dry cleaner? | I didn't want them to know my size. |
Why can't you use the local dry cleaner? | Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge. |
Dad, mom's been driving everyone everywhere. Why don't you take public transportation? | Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. I guess I'll walk. |
Way to go, Dad! | You know, I feel pretty good. Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar. |
Get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening. | No. From now on, walking is my beer. And feeling good is my hangover. |
Good for you, Dad. Could you get me some syrup? | You see? Before, I probably would have driven to the syrup. |
We don't have time for choking! | Calm down, Stresserella! |
I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license, I'm a full-time family chauffeur! | Now now, honey. We all appreciate what you do. But real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission. |
To hell with the Livery Commission! | Marge, you don't know what you're saying! |
Read the directions silently as I read them aloud to you. | Look at those suckers in their metal coffins. I can go to work any way I want. |
We're playing dominoes. | I said, "Bishop to queen four." |
Why, you're the first one here! Please accept this free ticket to the 1939 World's Fair. | Thanks, Mr. Burns. I owe it all to walking. |
Stop saying things! | Honey, you seem frazzled. Why don't you come with us? |
Hey, I'd like that. I can't. I have to go pick up Grampa... he proposed to another hooker at the bus station. | You sure love driving. |
Yeah, walking's made a new man out of you. | It sure has. You see this bulge back here? |
Yeah, walking's made a new man out of you. | Now it actually is a fanny pack. |
Yeah, walking's made a new man out of you. | No, wait. It's still my ass. But your point is well taken. You see... |
Yeah, walking's made a new man out of you. | I LIKE TO WALK DOWN THE AVENUE / BUST A MOVE WITH DISCO STU... |
YOU SHAKE ME FROM MY BOOTY TO MY 'FRO... | YES, I STRUT DOWN THE BOULEVARD / BURNING OFF MY EXCESS LARD... |
YOU SHAKE ME FROM MY BOOTY TO MY 'FRO... | I RARELY FEEL THE NEED TO UTTER D'OH! |
YOU SHAKE ME FROM MY BOOTY TO MY 'FRO... | Top of the mornin', ladies. |
Bite us. | I CAN WALK FROM SPRINGFIELD TO ALASKA / THEN HOBNOB WITH THE STARS IN MALIBU... |
Hi Homer. I'm actor Steve Buscemi. | The guy who got fed into the wood chipper in "Fargo"? |
Hi Homer. I'm actor Steve Buscemi. | AND WHEN I HEAR... |
YOU CAN'T WALK TO TURKMENISTAN! | I SAY "OF COURSE I CAN -- SCREW YOU!" |
Would we! | OH, I LOVE TO PERAMBULATE / IT'S STANDING STILL I REALLY HATE / SO LET ME PLEASE REITERATE / I LOVE TO... |
I am so sorry, Homie. How is your crushed pelvis? | Pretty good. Thanks for asking. |
I don't know what happened. I saw you and I went for the brake but I hit the accelerator! | It's okay, Marge. It would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this Bible in my crotch. |
That's okay. I can handle it. Homie, why don't you just relax and have a little soup? | Too hot! Too hot! |
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! | Hot! Hot! Hot! Warm, tepid, cool, cold... so cold! |
Oh, you're really coming along, Homie. | Yeah, the doctor says that soon my pelvis will actually be stronger and more beautiful than ever. |
Oh my God! Let me help you up! | Marge, you're trying to hurt me! |
What? That's crazy. | No, it's true. The car, the soup... It's like you hate me... your own husband... |
That's ridiculous. I don't like you. I mean hate you, hate you, hate you! I hate you! | I've heard that from co-workers, strangers on the street, even my own children... but I never thought I'd hear it from you. |
Maybe we should see a counselor. | Who's "we"? Got a mouse in your purse? |
All right, before you came in, I asked you each to make a list of the people that are most important to you. Homer, you first. | There's Homer... Homer J. Simpson... and Commander Cool, a/k/a me. |
That's us in a nutshell. I care so much about you, Homer, but I'm not even on your list. Excuse me. | We've gotta help her. If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy Moe is very happy. But for once, this isn't about Moe. What should I do, Dr. Hot Dog? |
All right. I have an answer. You must perform for her one completely unselfish gesture. | You mean... like give her full custody of the kids? |
You gotta knock her off her feet with something utterly romantic... something that says I care about you. | I see. Do you have any suggestions? |
I do, but the hour is over. | Here's a dollar. |
Romantic dinner. | Gotta go. |
You wanna know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin. Ha, anyway, what's goin' on? | I'm gonna treat Marge to a romantic dinner, to make up for all my shortcomings. |
Hey, me too. I could whip up my famous poulet au vin avec champignons à la Carl. | You can bring a bag of ice. |
Oh Homie, you got everyone in Springfield here for me! | Honey, I couldn't keep 'em away if I tried. Except for Flanders. He was mysteriously called out of town. |
Just kidding. Here's one of my many classics. | That I fixed with new words! |
YOU HOOKED UP IN HIGH SCHOOL / NOW YOU'VE COME SO FAR / THEN YOU STARTED TO HATE HIM / AND HIT HIM WITH YOUR CAR. | SO I THREW YOU A FANCY BANQUET / AND NOW YOU CAN'T STAY MAD / HOW 'BOUT A MAKE-UP SNUGGLE? / IT WOULD BE SO RAD. |
Except a place to live and free food. | Why you little... |
Except a place to live and free food. | Now, let's all raise our wine boxes... to Marge! |
I want to thank you all so much. | You're welcome. And now Marge, we cooked, you clean. |
What?! | Only teasing. We've flown in the finest busboys from France... I mean, America! |
Vite! Vite! | And now, to all my dear friends, I say... get the Hell out of my yard. |
Is it hyphenated? | I AM HOMER TRIBAL CHIEF / I AM WEARING TINY BRIEFS / BRAVES TEACH VALUE BOYS SHOULD KNOW / NOW EXTENDED DRUM SO-LO |
Ned, I am so sorry. | I never knew you were such a Beatles fan. |
I am so tired of that tautology. | It's not all his fault. I blame this latchkey kid. |
You are so right, Ned. There won't be a single minute where Bart's not under the watchful eye of myself or... Homer, get over here! | Look at me, I'm Brian Epstein! |
You are so right, Ned. There won't be a single minute where Bart's not under the watchful eye of myself or... Homer, get over here! | Now I'm Michael Jackson. I own all your songs, losers. Hee, hee, hee. |
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