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Oh. | Cora, is there a back way outta here? |
Not for someone who tips nine per cent. | Fine. |
I'm sorry, my wife left me this morning. | Now, I'm not a man who's good with words... |
You gotta say somethin', she's lookin' at twenty years. And my legal license expires in fifteen minutes. | I barely know my mother. And every time I see her, she's taken away again. And when a man doesn't have his mother, he winds up like me. |
You gotta say somethin', she's lookin' at twenty years. And my legal license expires in fifteen minutes. | I mean, I'm due back in this same courtroom three times today. Hell, I torched a blood bank. One cookie my ass! Please, please, give me back my mommy. |
The jets in the whirlpool anticipated my every move. When it was working. And three dollars for a local call? They should be the ones on trial! | Oh Mom, I'm so happy! I never want to let you go! |
Well, now that I'm free, I intend to be a better mother to my son. | Woo hoo! I can be a little boy again! |
Well, now that I'm free, I intend to be a better mother to my son. | A boy who gets some on the side. |
Oh, baby! Now you're free to come back to me! | Dad, you testified against her! |
I read a book that said women like jerks. | Look Mom, look! I'm riding by myself! |
Homer, this really isn't necessary. | You weren't around for the birth of your grandson, and I want you to see it. |
Oh well, you snooze you lose. But uh, can I have my photo albums back? | Now get out of my house. |
Anita Bong-hitt? | No! I can't lose my mother again! Don't take her away! |
Dad, I'm just as sad as you are. What happened to Grandma is an outrage. | How do you figure? |
She was acquitted. Then they put her back in jail on a technicality. | You're right. People should only be let out of jail on technicalities. |
Well, they're transferring Grandma to a federal prison tomorrow. I say we hit 'em where they live... with a candlelight vigil! | Candlepin bowling? That's a great idea. We'll play right after I break your grandmother out of prison. |
Homer! What on Earth are you doing? | Mom, I love you! I can't let you go to prison! |
He's a big one! | Oh, stop it. |
Homer, get out now and no one will ever know you were involved. | No, you're my mother and I won't leave you! |
If you stay here, you'll be abandoning your family the way I abandoned you. | Yeah, that did mess me up pretty bad. But I'm not gonna leave you. |
Pipe down, Jules Verne. | Go Mom! You can do it! |
Pipe down, Jules Verne. | Nooo! |
Mona, I'll always remember raspberry trolley cars... because my mind is shot. | Bear?! |
Mona, I'll always remember raspberry trolley cars... because my mind is shot. | Your last act as a mom was to make me a better dad. But at least now I'll never lose you again. |
Homer, it's two in the morning. | I couldn't sleep, because I thought there might be a sign of my Mom in one of these articles. They never did find her body. |
Then what was in the coffin? | Last week's garbage. I missed the pick-up date. But it doesn't matter, because my Mom is alive. See? |
Then what was in the coffin? | "I-M-O-- |
I really shouldn't be here -- I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face. | Aw Marge, I bet you've gotten that out of your system. |
That was always on too late for me. | I'll put everything on lucky seventeen. |
That was always on too late for me. | Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! |
That was always on too late for me. | Woo-hoo! |
And the winner is, seventeen! | I win! |
And the winner is, seventeen! | This is it, baby. First thing tomorrow, we're getting a Playstation One! |
I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like. Like you! | But I'm up two hundred thousand dollars! Give me my money! |
I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like. Like you! | You think I won't manhandle a little boy?! |
I can't beat Nelson. | Why don't you start a rumor that he's...ding-a-ling-a-ling hello-oo! |
I can't beat Nelson. | Oh, what a delicious quiche! I drive a pink Miata. |
I can't believe Nelson is more popular than me. | La, la, la... |
No, I'm gonna stick to my platform of incremental policy amelioration: fluoridated water fountains, vegan lunch options... | My name is Nelthon! I use a thalad fork. La-dee-dah! I wash my face! |
Where did you get that tutu? | Clothesline. |
Lisa, you look so successful. Like you're the wife of a businessman. | I wish I'd married a businessman. Then I'd have nice things. |
No. I was being sincere. | Oh, I'm so confused. |
Lis, Skinner is using you. Like a pawn on his unholy chess set. | On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars. |
They made me pretty and popular just so they could exploit me and ruin my good name. | Lisa, you've got to stand up to these guys. And when you do, people will remember you. Just look at these postage stamps. |
They made me pretty and popular just so they could exploit me and ruin my good name. | There's Bugs Bunny... Fat Elvis... Autumn in New England... Bats of the Southwest... all heroes. Wanna see Elvis kiss a bat? Hey baby come here lemme kiss you... |
They made me pretty and popular just so they could exploit me and ruin my good name. | Squeak, squeak, squeak. No, don't kiss me. |
Would you be willing to pay an extra dollar twenty-three in taxes to fund them? | No way! I'm saving for a speedboat! |
Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all. Just like my last massage. | I'm not driving forty-five minutes a day! You can't go to that school! |
But this is my dream. | Why can't you have a normal dream, like being an Olympic figure skater? |
Okay, let me take figure skating. | Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at six-thirty every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me! |
Well, what can I be? | I'unno. How 'bout a horse whisperer? |
Okay. | Over my dead body! |
The best you'll ever have. | One thousand dollars. Do you know how much furniture we could rent with this? |
Uh-oh. | You know the drill. Try to land on my back-fat. |
No one's touching the hors d'oeuvres. | IT'S BART'S MOON PARTY FROM OUTER SPACE... |
No one's touching the hors d'oeuvres. | What? |
Well... someday I'd like to go on a nice vacation. | We've gone on plenty of great vacations. |
Yeah, but you always wind up kidnapped, or on a chain gang... and I don't even want to get into what happened on our honeymoon. | I still don't know why you had that photo enlarged. |
Well... okay. For Mom, I'll do it. Where should we go? | Well, I'd like to return to Brazil. But I hear the monkey problem is even worse now. |
That sounds great -- But only if your father promises to behave. | Marge, I'll be on my best behavior -- you have my word as a gentleman and a lady. Now let's see, which rifle should I bring? |
Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of twenty-first century Britain. | Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone? |
There's so much to see here: Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the white cliffs of Dover... Oh, and you Americans love castles -- there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born. | The place I was born is now a gator farm. |
I'd love to, but I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio. | Wow. I can't believe we met Mr. Bean. |
Actually, I'm not a butler. I had already hired this cab when you got in, but the more the merrier and all that. | Make with the tea, Jeeves. |
I wouldn't dream of it, sir. | Thank you. |
I don't know if I'm ever gonna find her. | Aw Dad, I wish there was something I could do. |
I don't know if I'm ever gonna find her. | Touch that mini bar and you're dead! |
Now completely free of "Mad Fish Disease." | Fish? I don't know, I'm not really a vegetarian... |
Int. Harrods - continuous) | Well, Marge, you've gotta admit. I've been on my best behavior this trip. |
You punched out three people on the street. | That was over soccer results! Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellow card in the box? |
Do you understand any part of what you just said? | I understand the word "gave." Unless it means something else in this country. |
Homie, I don't think we'll be able to find the kids from up here. | Now, now, let's just look... there's Big Ben, there's Piccadilly Circus, there's Jimmy Page, one of the greatest thieves of American black music who ever walked the earth. Bup, there's the kids. |
It's a bet, Lord Daftwager. | You can't bet on my kids. This is America, pal! |
Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. | What? What play? |
We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. | You mean "Macbeth"? |
Quiet, you blundering fool. You'll curse us all! | What? By saying "Macbeth"? |
Stop saying it! | Saying what? |
Mom, you said Macbeth! | Mr. Macbeth, I'm really sorry. |
Mom, you said Macbeth! | But please, find it in your jewel-encrusted heart to forgive me. |
Homie, you're doing a great job driving on the left. This is turning out to be our most enjoyable trip ever. | Yes, this trip is entirely uneventful. |
Turn, turn, keep turning, keep turning, keep turning, keep turning... | I see an opening. |
We'll deal with him, your Majesty. | Your Majesty? |
Dad, you rear-ended the Queen of England! | The Queen of whaaa?! |
Changing of the guard! | Wait! We have to exchange insurance! |
I guess it's just too much for me to ask for one vacation where we don't go to jail or to a condo sales pitch. | Your Honor, I've completely disappointed my wife. That's punishment enough. You understand these things, you're a grandmother. |
I'm a man! | Ohh, and a very manly one, if I may say so, m'lord. |
I haven't had an easy life. I've seen my country ravaged by war, my family torn by tragedy and then, as I was innocently making my way to the shops to buy light bulbs, I was blindsided by this great lumbering brute. | Boy, she's good. If she were a hundred years younger... and I were a hundred years older... |
If there's any love left in you for me, destroy him. | America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones! |
Poke the monster with a stick! Tuppence a jab! C'mon, queue up, lads. | Oh Marge, I Am so sorry. I should've listened to whatever it was you were saying. |
We found a secret tunnel out of the tower. It was used by Sir Walter Raleigh! | A secret tunnel? I don't know. Won't that get me in more trouble? |
Smash it on, don't worry it. Let the pike do the work. | Okay, what do I do? |
Push the gray brick in the back of the fireplace. | Sweet freedom, here I-- |
Put out the fire first. | Boy, it's a good thing I'm leaving before I went nuts. Goodbye Sparkly Elves. |
Englishwomen don't pump gas naked! | See ya in Atlanta, jerk! |
Mummy, he's everything you said he was. | Lady, you're gorgeous. You make Dame Edna look like a dude! |
Flowers. | Flow... yeah. |
Lis, your stupid present will only last a week. Mine will sit in a closet for years. | Bart, we made her the same thing! |
This is even worse than you think -- look! | Kids, we're going Mother's Day shopping! I'm glad this holiday only comes every four years. |
Mighty Yamses, we are weary of building your food pyramid. Let my pickles go! | Mmm, Moses. |
Grampa! You have a job? | How dare you challenge my perceptions of what old people can do? |
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