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Five-time rushing leader, two-time MVP and star of a Disney Channel movie. I played the gentle giant, "Stay-off-drugs-ia". | I know why you're here. You wanna see me humiliate myself with my stupid dance. Well fine. |
I wanna buy the rights to that dance for a thousand dollars! | Woo hoo! But why? |
My workman-like touchdowns never make the highlight reel. But if I add your shameless shenanigans, I'll be on ESPN every night! | You wanna do my dance after you score? |
You damn straight. And I'll buy any other dances you got too. | Woo-hoo! |
I'll show myself out. | "L" is for "loser," which describes you, sir. Don't try to stop me. Just enjoy the view, sir. |
"The view, sir." Then show ass. Got it. | Honey, I bet you're wondering why Daddy's not at work again. The answer may surprise you. I have a new job choreographing end zone dances for a professional football player. |
Looks like all you're teaching is obnoxiousness and poor sportsmanship. | Don't forget showboating. That's the cornerstone of my "Pyramid of Success." |
Looks like all you're teaching is obnoxiousness and poor sportsmanship. | Ooh, I forgot crotch grabbing. That'll be the sun. |
Homer, this is LeBron James. The fans love my dunks, but they hate my dancin'. | I think I can fit you in. Let's see... |
Homer, this is LeBron James. The fans love my dunks, but they hate my dancin'. | Lenny, can I move you from Wednesday at noon to Sunday at six? |
Homer, you know that's when I play with neighborhood dogs! | All right, all right, I'll work it out. |
But first, the world of sports continues its downward march into the gutter. | This is either about me, or steroids. |
Homer Simpson, we work for the Commissioner of Football. And he wants to see you. | I wanna see him too. Maybe he can tell me how to get this off. |
Homer Simpson, we work for the Commissioner of Football. And he wants to see you. | It soaked through to the other side! |
Here's why we called you in: we want you to produce this year's Super Bowl halftime show! | Wow. At last, my pathetic little life has a meaning. You suckers, I would have done it for free! |
Fine. Do it for free. | Dammit! Well, I'll still do it. You suckers, I would have paid you. |
Fine. Pay us. | Dammit! Will you take a check? |
No. | Dammit! |
I now pronounce you Pac Man and Wife. | Every single Super Bowl halftime show has been great. |
Oh Homie, don't worry. I'm sure you'll come up with a great idea. | I don't know. It's a lot of pressure. Do many people watch the Super Bowl? |
We're ready for rehearsal, Mr. Simpson. So, what do we do? | Uh... uh... Oh man, I have no idea what I'm going. |
Yeah. I made a great film, but I'm havin' trouble gettin' it out there. I'm like Michael Moore, except I'm skinny, my jeans are washed, and God loves me. I just wish I could find some way to spread my message. | Have you tried checking the oil filter? |
Are you even listening to me?! | Sure, I'd be happy to tell you my problem. I've got a venue the whole world will be watching, and nothing to fill it with. |
Wait a minute -- you've got a medium and I've got a message. Maybe God brought us together for a reason. | Yeah... you help me, and I, in turn, am helped by you. |
Frank went to the men's room. I'm Joe. | We now take you back through the ages, to a time before TV, before cowboys, before dinosaurs. The time of the Bible! |
Frank went to the men's room. I'm Joe. | The children of God once lived according to their Father's laws. |
Frank went to the men's room. I'm Joe. | But then a shadow of wickedness fell across the land, as represented by this cloud of white pesticide! |
Frank went to the men's room. I'm Joe. | But there was one righteous man: Noah! |
Frank went to the men's room. I'm Joe. | Oh mighty God, send a flood to destroy this wickedness. |
Not in here, I don't. | After forty days and forty nights, the rains stopped, and Noah sent forth a single dove... |
You see? You see? | I thought America was hungry for meaning. I should have just sent a crocodile into space like I originally planned. |
That was a good day too. | Welcome to the "Homer Simpson Showboating Academy." |
That was a good day too. | Today we're working on poor sportsmanship. |
But I like to stand for good sportsmanship. | Quiet, you! |
And with time running out, the Seminoles are on the warpath! | Go Seminoles! Cover-the-point-spread! Cover-the-point-spread! |
Stay tuned for Sitcom Sunday- | Where's the remote! This is not a drill, people! |
I think he swallowed the remote. | Barf for your master! |
I think he swallowed the remote. | Lousy American-made dog! |
I think he swallowed the remote. | Why must I be so voluptuous? |
A little more color. | How do I look? |
A little more color. | After my makeover I'm gonna get you, boy. |
Dad, can I go to a rap concert? Tickets are fifty dollars. | Go to Hell. |
Okay, what if I pay for it myself? | Fine, go nuts. |
I love you, Dad. | I love you too, Jerry. |
Oh did he? Homer, you tell your son a rap show is not a safe place for a ten-year-old! | Son, your mother makes a very loud point... |
But you said I could go if I paid for the ticket! | Boy, let me explain the situation in terms you'll understand. |
But you said I could go if I paid for the ticket! | YOU DID IT ON THE STRAIGHT, GOT YOUR DAD'S PERMISSION / BUT YOUR MOM DROPPED A BOMB, SO I FLIPPED MY POSITION |
FRESH FR-FR-FRESH FOR MOMMY'S BABY BOY | BABY BOY, BABY BOY, BA-BA-BA-BABY BOY |
Here you go, you little yellow cracker... Now let's go murder our enemies. Peace. | Bart's gone! I checked everywhere! |
That little sneak disobeyed us and went to that hip-hop festival! | If that's true, he's gonna be like NWA -- Not Without Ass-welts. |
Well, time to face my punishment like a man... Or, lie my way out of it like a kid. | A flying rock! Call a geologist! |
"We have kidnapped your son. Follow instructions and Bart will not be harmed." | "Follow instructions?" He's doomed! |
"We have kidnapped your son. Follow instructions and Bart will not be harmed." | This'll be the worst Thanksgiving dinner ever. |
Thanksgiving's not for months. | The bad news keeps on coming. |
Do what I say and Bart won't get hurt. | Oh yeah? Send a finger wrapped in today's paper to prove you have him. |
Homer! | I know what I'm doing. You can use any section of the paper. Except Metro. It's a big snooze. |
Oh Bart, I'm so glad you're okay. | Oh son!... Taking your tombstone back to the store will be the happiest thing I've ever done. |
A shirt from that rap concert... Bart must've gone to the show. But that means... | ...Bart was never kidnapped! Lisa, I'm very glad you brought me this. I'll see that it gets to the proper authorities. |
Dad!? Why did you do that? | Hollywood producers have paid me a fortune, which I've already lost, for the rights to Bart's story. So I have to destroy anything that proves that story's not true. |
Why did you burn up your shirt? | What shirt? I don't see any shirt. |
Why did you burn up your shirt? | Burn the truth. Burn the truth. |
All right, people, we got a situation here. Your daughter's gonna blow our whole deal sky high. | You leave Maggie to me. |
No, Lisa! | Not her! She'll hunt us down relentlessly -- like a bloodhound mixed with a student loan officer! |
Wait, before we go, I took the liberty of making these embroidered conspiracy jackets for all of us. | Wow, those jackets are beautiful. |
Wait a minute. Why do we have to come clean? Nobody's been hurt. Everyone's happier with the lie. | The lie is love. |
Wait just a minute. | Love the lie! |
That's a very noble sentiment, Lisa. But for once in your life, can't you just be cool? | Yeah, be cool. Like us. |
That's a very noble sentiment, Lisa. But for once in your life, can't you just be cool? | Coolee, coolee cool! C'mon, fool! Be coolee, coolee cool! |
Dad, I don't understand. After all the corruption and deceit we've witnessed, how can everyone just party? | Lisa, the world is a very complicated place. And when you get right down to it... cannonball! |
I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism. | Eh, who needs tourists? They never buy my maps to stars' homes, anyway. |
I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism. | Have you read them all? Okay, good. |
Lovejoy's an idiot -- his church is giving up hot gobs of gay green. He could get two hundred bucks a couple. | Two hundred bucks a couple, eh? |
Lovejoy's an idiot -- his church is giving up hot gobs of gay green. He could get two hundred bucks a couple. | Hey, I gotta get in on this! These people have rights! The right to buy me a sixty-two inch TV! |
You are now an ordained minister. | Now to answer all the pop-ups. Ooh, a talking moose wants my credit card number. That's only fair. |
I do. | It brings me great joy to unite two such loving people. Photo mouse pads for sale out back. |
Homer, you married every gay couple in town. | Hey, what can I say? I love love. |
Well, all you can do now is wait for some other guys to turn. | Hm... where's Lenny and Carl? |
Don't you push them! They've gotta work that out for themselves. | But I'm only two hundred dollars short of fourteen thousand, eight hundred dollars. |
Well, what about people of the opposite sex who want to get married? | Opposite? Yuck!! |
I mean a man and a woman. | Hm. Well, maybe marriage isn't just for gays. What's that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl? |
Straight. | Ooh, look at me. I'm straight as a one dollar bill. La de da. Ooh. |
Reverend Simpson... | Please, Kent. Call me Your Holiness. |
I can't. I just can't. Homer, have we started down a slippery slope, where marriage becomes so meaningless that anyone could marry anything? | Oh Kent, not anything. It has to exist. Or does it? |
Well, call me old fashioned, but I believe that marriage described in the Bible-- | If you love the Bible so much, why don't you marry it? In fact, I now pronounce you and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife. You owe me two hundred bucks. |
Homer, your impulsive marriages are gonna lead to a lot of divorces. | Which will lead to a lot more impulsive marriages. Which will put more green in the blue. The blue being my pants. |
Hey Saturated Fats, I came to ask you a favor. | Lemme get my belt sander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face. |
Very funny. | I wasn't joking. |
Oh no. No no. No. I'm just... surprised. | Yeah, big surprise. Hey Marge, here's another bomb: I like beer. |
Oh no. Oh no. Why would it be? I love you and I love gay marriage, so I'd be a super-hypocrite if I didn't love your gay marriage. Right? | Now Patty, here's a veil I picked out just for you. |
It smells like cheeseburgers. | Give it back! |
Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty? But they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes? | Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard. And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it. |
As opposed to you, who grabbed the first blimp that floated by. | Correction. The first blimp that got her pregnant. |
Seriously Dad, I'm worried. You should go on a diet. | Why you little... |
Seriously Dad, I'm worried. You should go on a diet. | Save my place. |
It was so romantic -- like a scene from a Hollywood movie... | Yeah, "Bride of the Monster." |
Marge, if you can find it in your heart to accept me for who I am, I would love to see you at the ceremony. If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral...which should be pretty soon. | Got him! Uh-oh. |
Selma, we'll always be there for each other. I don't know about Marge, though. If she doesn't show up today...I have no non-identical sister! | Oh Lord, please help me say the right words this afternoon, as I consecrate another gay union that angers you so. |
Selma, we'll always be there for each other. I don't know about Marge, though. If she doesn't show up today...I have no non-identical sister! | And please let thy Holy Spirit open the heart of my wife. Amen. |
I just can't believe my sister would keep me in the dark all these years, then expect complete acceptance on the day she gets married. | You handsome devil. Someday they'll let you and me get married! Can you imagine the children? |
Veronica, in you I have found a soul mate. You are the perfect woman for me: truthful, honest, hiding nothing. | Next! |
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