instruction stringlengths 1 496 | response stringlengths 1 472 |
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Sir, I'm sorry, we can't insure you. | I made an "H". |
No, that doesn't count. | Looks like an "X." |
We'd better get you to a hospital. | Can I have a free calendar? |
Okay. | Oh doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone. And there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt. |
Honey, did you have any luck? | No, but the rabbi gave me this. |
What is it, Dad? | Son, they call it a "droodle". Whoo hoo! Look at him go! |
Hi Everybody. Are you looking for a way to slash the cost of your medical expenses? | Bo-ring. |
Okay, friend. You tried the best, now try the rest. Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The "B" is for bargain! | Well, Marge, we could do worse. |
How? | Uh... some dog could do the operation. |
Operation? What are you talking about? | Kids, I have something to tell you. |
We feel neither highs nor lows. | Really? What's it like? |
Eh. | Well, you kids are old enough to know the truth and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. |
Eh. | So the tiny Aorta Fairies will take Mr. Leg Vein on a long trip to get married to Princess Left Ventricle. |
Dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary-artery bypass graft? | Uh, yeah. |
Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while. | Kids. Kids... I'm not gonna die. That only happens to bad people. |
What about Abraham Lincoln? | Uh... he sold poison milk to school children. |
Homer! | Hey, I'm just trying to make it easier on 'em. |
Homer Simpson! Well, if that don't put the "dink" in co-inky-dink. | Flanders? What are you doin' here? |
I'm having a kidney and a lung removed. | Who are you donating them to? |
First come, first served! What are you in for? | I got a bad heart. |
If I could give you my heart, Homer, I would. | Shut up, Flanders. |
Ah, you know, Homer, that beer ain't free. | Dear Lord, I'm really scared about this operation tomorrow. If something happens, please look after Marge, and make sure my kids grow up right. |
Shhh. | Sorry. |
In heaven, you get to do whatever you like best, all the time. | Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down... |
Hey, what's the matter? Oh, that's right. My grotesque appearance. | Krusty, why are you here? |
Oh, it's part of my public service for my glug, glug, vroom, vroom, thump thump. | Oh well, I could use a good laugh. |
Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know, I'm in the Zipper Club myself. | You seem okay. |
We passed this card around at work. | Gee, thanks, guys. |
When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it. | Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! |
Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old time's sake. | Thanks, Moe. |
Oh Homie, I could never remarry... | Darn right. And to make sure, I want to be stuffed and put on the couch as a constant reminder of our marital vows. |
Ohhh... kids, you can come in now. | Bed goes up... Kids, I want to give you some words to remember me by in case something happens. Let's see... uh... Oh, I'm no good at this. |
Ohhh... kids, you can come in now. | Bart, the saddest thing about this is I won't get to see you grow up, because... |
Ohhh... kids, you can come in now. | I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man. |
Thanks dad. | And Lisa... |
Thanks dad. | I guess this is the time to tell you... |
Thanks dad. | You're adopted and I don't like you. |
Thanks dad. | Bart! |
Thanks dad. | But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you. |
Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of. | Like a giant billboard that says, "No fat chicks"? |
Ordah! Please rise for the a Pledge of Allegiance. | Get to the money! |
Excuse me, we could use the money to hire firemen to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town. | Bo-ring! |
Many of us have destroyed it by leaving winter chains on our tires and carrying too much weight. | Woo-hoo, look at that pavement fly! |
You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it! | Heh-heh... mule. |
MONORAIL / MONORAIL / MONORAIL! | Mono... |
I still think we should have spent the money to fix Main Street. | Well, you should have written a song like that guy. |
Are you stuck in a dead-end job? | Maybe. |
Are you squandering the precious gift of life in front of the idiot box? | What's it to ya? |
Are you on your third beer of the evening? | Does whiskey count as beer? |
Actual institute may not match photo. | Marge, I want to be a monorail conductor. |
Homer, no... | It's my life-long dream. |
Your life-long dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? | Oh, yeah. |
"True or false: You can get mono from riding the monorail?" | Hmmm, false... No, wait. Maybe it's true. |
No, you were right, it's "false." Wow, you really are gonna be a monorail conductor! | That's right, boy. |
But now, I want to follow in your footsteps. | Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju! |
According to this book, the monorail goes over a hundred and fifty miles an hour. What if something goes wrong? | "What if?" What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh, my God, I'd be killed! |
It frightens me that you want to work on something that's so unsafe. | We monorail conductors are a crazy breed. Half in love with death -- gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts... Am I turning you on? |
No. | What if I undo this button? |
Goodnight, Homer. | What if I talk like this? |
Goodnight, Homer. | What if I SING TO YOU? I GAVE MY LOVE A CHICKEN THAT HAD NO BONE/ Mmmm chicken. |
But this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest. | Who, me? |
Yeah, sure. | Woo-hoo! |
Homer, there's a family of opossums in here! | I call the big one Bitey. |
Is there a chance the track could bend? | I call the big one Bitey. |
Is there a chance the track could bend. | I call the big one Bitey. |
Can't you stop it, Dad? | I'm trying my best. |
Does anyone wanna switch seats? | I did it! |
Homer? Homer? | Y'ello. |
Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. | Batman? |
No, he's a scientist. | Batman's a scientist. |
Dad, you're a hero! | Yes, son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was. |
And "The Washing Machine"! | Wowww. |
See the happiest fish in the world at our fabulous Beerquarium! | Bart, warm up the car. We're going to Duff Gardens. |
Yayyy! | Now, what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? |
We're under six! | And I'm a college student! Heh, heh. |
No use complaining about something you can't change. | But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now! |
Oh Homer, quit pouting. | I'm not pouting. I'm... mourning. Stupid dead woman. |
If you don't mind! We're on our way to a funeral. | Ding-dong, the witch is dead. |
WHICH OLD WITCH? | Patty. Selma. I'm sorry. |
Hey Homer, this luggage is crushing me. | Hey you don't hear Lisa complaining. |
Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman! | Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good. |
Homer, that's very rude of you. | What? |
Another placemat, sir? | Please. |
Homer! | All in favor of skipping the poem? |
Homer! | Thank you. |
These chips were my children, Marjorie. Take special care of them. | Uh, oh. |
Can we go to Duff Gardens this weekend? | Sure... unless another aunt dies. |
Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? | Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. |
Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? | I knew that. |
Have you been eating that sandwich again? | Sand... wich... |
Geez, we hardly made a dent in that ten-foot hoagie. | I'll give it a good home. |
You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn. | Two more feet and I can fit it in the fridge. |
Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away. | Suggestion noted. |
Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away. | Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment. |
Are you going to eat it? | Yes. |
You look terrible. | I don't care. I'm going to Duff Gardens. |
Your lips are turning blue. I think you'd better stay home. | No! Duff... Gardens... hurrah! |
Goodbye Dad! Don't eat any solids. | But I love solids. |
Yayyy! | This is all your fault! Oh, how can I stay mad at you? |
Do you feel any better? | No. What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? A thousand to one. |
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