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Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison. | Oh my God. Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie? |
Over there. There's a big pile of 'em. | Oh man. |
You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners! | Well, you haven't heard the last of them. |
Miss you, Daddy. | I miss you too, honey. |
Here's the champagne you ordered, Mr. Simpson. | Oh. Thanks. |
Here's the champagne you ordered, Mr. Simpson. | Here. |
Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise! Lunch boxes, coffee mugs, funny foam... | They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous. But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. Bart! |
What'd you do... screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? | All the time. It was the title of our second album! |
What'd you do... screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? | But we were about to learn an iron law of show business: What goes up must come down. |
So has Sinatra. | Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of-- |
Ditto Tom Jones. | Shut up! |
With your father on the road all the time I tried to compensate for his absence... | Hi, kids... I love |
This is worse than your song about Mr. T. | I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And wher's Barney? |
Gentlemen, US Magazine just came out with its "What's Hot and What's Not Issue." | Are we hot? |
We are not. | We all went our separate ways. |
Hey, Queenie, you can go now. | I'll give her a good home. |
Since when could you write a song? | There are perfectly good answers to those questions, but they'll have to wait for another night. Now off to bed. |
... IT'S A TRIP TO PARADISE / WITH MY BA-BY... ON BOARD! | I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition. |
Bart, what's wrong with you? | Oh my god, someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart. |
Hmm. This one's done in different handwriting. | Oh. I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt. |
But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's "Dennis the Menace." | It's probably the person you least suspect! |
That man is so rude. | Yeah. |
Oh I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away, forever. | Oh no! |
Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal. | Is that so? Oh, Flan-ders! Won't you join me in my kitchen? |
Hiedilly-hey! | Go home. |
... Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson, that little baby Simpson. That is all. | Woo hoo! Did you hear, Bart? Oh. |
Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson, we've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities. | Ooh! I wanna be John Elway. |
Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl 30: Denver - 7; San Francisco - 56! | Woo hoo! |
Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl 30: Denver - 7; San Francisco - 56! | Whup, two against one! |
I don't think this is such a good idea. | This isn't just because of Sideshow Bob. It's a chance to turn around all our stinking lives. |
I'll be Gus, the lovable chimney sweep. Clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, best in all Westminster. Yeah! | Shut up, boy. |
We have places your family can hide in peace and security: Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville... | Ooh, Ice Creamville. |
Tell you what sir, from now on you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit. When I say "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi." | Check. |
Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson. | I got ya. |
Now when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot... you smile and nod. | No problem. |
Hello, Mr. Thompson. | I think he's talking to you. |
THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL ARE WE / PERT AS A SCHOOLGIRL WELL CAN BE / FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH GIRLISH GLEE / THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL... | EVERYTHING IS A SOURCE OF FUN... |
Homer, where's the dog? | I tied him up, out back. |
We've left it all behind. How can you make a clean break with your life? | Relax, Marge. I tied up all the loose ends before we left. |
Mom! Dad! I saw Sideshow Bob and he threatened to kill me! | Bart! Don't interrupt! |
Homer, this is serious. | Oh it is not. |
Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife. | Why? Oh, right. The Sideshow Bob thing. Sorry, boy. |
Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife. | Nope. |
Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife. | BARTDOYOUWANNASEEMYNEWCHAINSAWAND HOCKEYMASK? |
I knew I had to buy some time. So, I asked him to sing the score from "The HMS Pinafore." | Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies. |
Take him away, boys. | Aw, no fair. |
Duh, Homer, why are we down here? | Oh, geez, I told you, Bernie. To guard the bee. |
But why? | You guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me Head Bee Guy. |
Yes, he's in Geneva, chairing a conference on Nuclear Fission. Yes, that should stick. | The bee bit my bottom. Now my bottom's big! Oh! |
Homer, this is an exact replica of your workstation. Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight. | What the hell are you talking about? |
Homer, this is an exact replica of your workstation. Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight. | What do I do!? What do I do!? In the name of God you've got to tell me! |
Relax, it's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong. | Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go. |
I like to put my feet up. | Must destroy mankind! Ohh, lunch time. |
Yes. He would. | So you want me to go to college? |
College? Barber or clown? | Bart! |
I think this is a great opportunity. You could learn so much. | Maybe you're right. I did always want to go to college, but fate stood in the way. |
Homer, sign this application and you're a shoe-in. | That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see! |
Homer, sign this application and you're a shoe-in. | C'mon! Gimme the hand, you stupid dog! C'mon! Gimme' that! |
Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see... "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life." | Is "TV Guide" a book? |
No. | "Son of Sniglets??" |
No. | Katharine Hepburn's "Me"? |
No. | I suck. |
No. | "... it was the most I ever threw-up and it changed my life forever." |
You the man, Homer. | Thanks boy. Now, for the crowning touch... |
I dunno, Dad. Don't you have a better picture? | Relax, a photo can't make any difference. |
Ah... steakey. | Sorry, son, but there's a program about campus life that I really should watch. |
Oh, don't worry, I've expelled those rowdy members of Chug-a-lug House. | I hate that lousy dean! |
G-rrrrr! | Yes! Take that, Bitterman! |
Homie, here are the responses from the colleges you applied to. | Woo hoo! A flyer for a hardware store! |
Well, Pop, what are you gonna do? | Something I should have done a long time ago... |
You don't know, do you? | No, ma'am. |
Hey! | How long have you been back there? |
Three days. | Nerd! |
Homer, that isn't very nice. | Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time. |
Homer, that isn't very nice. | Hey pal, did you get a load of the nerd? |
INT. Springfield u. - DINING HALL - NIGHT) | I'll be a campus hero... |
Hi there, hello, I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby. I just want you to know if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever, I'm always up for some Hackey Sack. Or hey, if you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass player for "The Pretenders." | Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt. |
Good morning and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying, "Out with the old, in with the nucleus!" | Hold me. |
Now, we'll begin by - oops... | You see that, sir. Drops his notes. |
Now, if anyone would like to stay, I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class. | Do we have to? |
No. | Then kiss my curvy butt goodbye! |
Homer, we have a perfectly good bookcase. | Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus. Besides, it isn't costing us - I swiped the cinderblocks from a construction site. |
This proton accelerator de-stabilizes the atom in this chamber here, then propels it... | Uh, excuse me "Professor Brainiac," but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years and uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works. |
Well please, come down and show us. | All right, I will. |
Well please, come down and show us. | In there, guys. |
Homer, no one blames you for the accident. We simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring. I researched these names myself... | Yeah, you've won this round, Dean. But the war isn't over. |
Hello? | Hello, Dean? You're a stupid head. |
Homer, is that you? | Hiya, gang! |
Stop the Humanoid! | Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor... |
We are the Knights who say Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! | Heh heh. "Nee." |
Listen to yourself, man. You're hangin' with nerds. | You take that back... |
Homer, please. These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds. | Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy. |
Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include; popcorn magnate, Orville Redenbacher, rock star, David Byrne and Supreme Court Justice David Souter. | Oh, not Souter... Oh, no. |
Come on, Mr. Simpson, you'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table. | I'll write it on my hand... |
Ho. Including all known Lanthanides and Actinides? Good luck! | C'mon guys, look at yourselves. All you do is study. I'm gonna show you the true meaning of college! |
Ho. Including all known Lanthanides and Actinides? Good luck! | We're gonna go out and par-ty! |
If you're going for a ride I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa. | But Marge, we're college guys and we're up to no good... |
The only other college in fifty miles is Springfield A&M, so they're our best target. | Those bastards... |
Meet Sir Oinks-A-lot, the beloved mascot of Springfield A&M. Here he is presiding over last year's homecoming. Here he is conferring an honorary degree on Richard Nixon. And here he is rolling in his own filth. Gentlemen, I propose we kidnap Sir Oinks-A-lot... | And then we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge. |
Meet Sir Oinks-A-lot, the beloved mascot of Springfield A&M. Here he is presiding over last year's homecoming. Here he is conferring an honorary degree on Richard Nixon. And here he is rolling in his own filth. Gentlemen, I propose we kidnap Sir Oinks-A-lot... | What? |
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