instruction stringlengths 1 496 | response stringlengths 1 472 |
|---|---|
I don't know, Homer. We're right in the middle of the busy housekeeping season. | But Marge, you deserve a vacation. It's a chance for you to clean up after us in a whole other state. |
I don't want to be a wet blanket, but getting on a plane like that seems like a hassle coupled with a burden. | Come on Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero. I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you please? |
Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it. | Permit me to solve the mystery. Your mother has a fear of flying. |
Well, everybody's got a fear of something. | Not everybody. |
Sock puppets. | Where? Where? |
Sure as sugar. | Lisa, the important thing is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep down inside her... so she'll never annoy us again. |
No, no honey, it's all right. Really. I'm fine. I'm all right. Mother always said "don't complain. Be good. Behave, behave. Be nice, smile be polite, don't make waves." | You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine, so behave. |
Mm, no, I don't need therapy, I'm fine. And it's too expensive. | And I don't believe in it. It breaks up families.... turns wives against husbands... children against fathers... neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist ten bucks an hour to get top notch therapy. |
Thank you for calling "Radio Psychic." Do you have a song request? | "It's Raining Men!" |
Dad, Mom's getting worse. You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist. Look how tense she is. | She's fine. |
Dad, Mom's getting worse. You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist. Look how tense she is. | Oh. |
Okay, I will. | Good, you do that. |
Fine. | You'll be picking many a bean. |
Huh, this has nothing to do with you, Simpson. I have many, many issues with my beloved smother -- mother. | Bart, leave that man alone with his pain and sit down. |
If money's a problem, I charge on a sliding scale. I can go as low as thirty dollars an hour. | Keep sliding. |
Thirty dollars will be fine. | Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. First, what are your qualifications? |
Well... | Oh, no, I'm not here to take a reading test. I wanna see some credentials. |
But it's a few seconds before 12:00. | You see?! You see?! "I" just left "my" first session and "I" haven't opened "my" mouth yet. |
I don't think so. | Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family, happy family. |
Ready for breakfast, Doctor Smith? | Oh, being stuck on this God forsaken planet has vanquished what little appetite I have. |
Warning. Warning. Doctor Smith refuses to do his astro chores. | Why, you clattering clank of.... My dear lady, as you well know my back is a disaster area. D'oh the pain! D'oh the pain of it all! |
You know, Marge. We've really just begun to scratch the surface. There's still the far more serious problem of your husband. | That's okay. You don't have to make her into some kind of superwoman. She can get on a plane. That's plenty. |
Hm, emergency call. Gotta go. | What should we do until you get back? |
Put a pan down there. | Aw, it didn't work. |
EXT. POWER PLANT) | Hey, how come you guys got such great parking places? |
Yeah, we got uh, things to do. | Like what? |
It's a secret. | Shut up. |
A conspiracy, eh? You think they might be involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way? | I do... now. Anyway, I'm gonna follow them tonight and see where they go. |
Oh, Homer. Don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden? | Well, something did. |
I don't want you stalking anyone tonight. | Oh, okay. Have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute. I'm going outside. To stalk... ... Lenny and Carl. |
Oh well. That was a real nice secret organization we had once. | Stonecutters, eh? How do I join? |
There are only two ways to gain membership. Be the son of a Stonecutter... | Next. |
Forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream. | So, one of those egg-counsel creeps got to you too, huh? |
You got it all wrong, Homer. It's not like that. | You'd better run, egg! |
Everyone likes you. You're a wonderful person. | Then why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks? |
I'm sure it's nothing personal, Homer. | It is. It's been happening to me all my life. |
It says "No Homers." We're allowed to have one. | I felt so left out. |
I'm a member. | What do they do? What don't they do! Oh they do so many things... they never stop... oh the things they do there! My stars. |
You don't know what they do there, do you? | Not as such, no. |
Dad, remember those self-hypnosis classes we took to help us ignore Grampa? | Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge. |
I'm a member. | Huh? |
What? | What? |
I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist... I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason... Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters. | This is it. My ticket in. They have to let me join if I'm the son of a member. |
I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist... I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason... Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters. | I'll take this Communist one too. |
Okay, okay, Homer. You're in. Just don't point that thing at me! | Aw, thanks, Lenny. When am I gonna be initiated? |
As soon as Number One gets here. | Number one? Ha ha. What kind of stupid wiener name is that? "Hello, my name is Number One." And so forth. |
We call each other by number, not by name. Carl is number 14, I'm number 12. Burnsie is number 29. | You outrank Mr. Burns here? |
Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder. | Is he the leader? |
Of this chapter. There are chapters all over the world. And it has been foretold that someday a Chosen One will... | Okay, okay, I didn't ask for your life story. |
Happy landings. | I think I have to do it again. My blindfold came off. |
And this we call "The Unblinking Eye." | Hey, have you ever noticed that the "Crossing the Desert" is a lot like "The Unblinking Eye" and it's exactly like "The Wreck of the Hesperus"? |
And now the final ordeal: the paddling of the swollen ass... with paddles. | And by the Sacred Parchment I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs. |
Well to be honest, I never got around to ordering that part for ya, so uh, it's still gonna be a couple of weeks. | Oh really? |
Yes. | Really? |
Yes, yes. | "But what if I were to shake your hand in this wise?" |
Same old space, huh, Dad? | Yep, but they gave me these Rollerblades so I can glide to the front door. |
Same old space, huh, Dad? | Heh heh heh heh. Sweet. |
Same old space, huh, Dad? | Jealous? |
Well... no. We've got the same chair. | You're jealous. |
Your membership pack. | What's this? |
You put that sticker on your car so you won't get any tickets. And this other one keeps paramedics from stealing your wallet while they're working on you. | Everything lasts forever. |
I still don't believe all the founding fathers were Stonecutters. | That's because you trust your stupid school books. Here's what really happened at the signing of the Declaration of Independence... |
We just created the greatest democracy on earth, you low-life commoner. | You wanna see how Davy Crockett really died at the Alamo? You must be 18. |
Homer, a man who called himself "You Know Who" just invited you to a secret "wink wink" at the "you know what." You certainly are popular now that you're a Stonecutter. | Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul, and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined. |
WHO ROBS CAVE FISH OF THEIR SIGHT? / | WHO RIGS EVERY OSCAR NIGHT? / |
Thank you. Tonight we are here to commemorate our glorious society's 1500th Anniversary. And in honor of this momentous occasion, we're having ribs. | Uh-oh. I need a bib. If I slop any on my shirt, I could lose the respect of my beloved brethren. |
Thank you. Tonight we are here to commemorate our glorious society's 1500th Anniversary. And in honor of this momentous occasion, we're having ribs. | The Black Panthers? |
Homer! | Huh? Oh. Yeah. Thanks, Lenny. |
/ This is just appalling and outrageous. | What? Did I miss something? |
And the official Stonecutter underwear too. | Please don't kick me out! This society is everything to me! Please give me another chance! I've learned my lesson. |
And the official Stonecutter underwear too. | I've learned my lesson! |
/ That's it! | Oh. Sorry. |
The mark! | Oh that. It's just a birth mark and I'll thank you not to stare. |
You are the Chosen One, whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory. Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation! Remove the stone of shame! | Woo-hoo! |
Attach the stone of triumph. | Wow. Mental note. Don't overdo this. |
Attach the stone of triumph. | Peek-a-boo! |
Remember, Dad. All glory is fleeting. | So? |
Beware the Ides of March. | No. |
Don't you see? Getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless. | Remove the girl. |
Another strike for the Chosen One! Hurrah! | Woo hoo! |
Absolutely. | Woo hoo! |
Absolutely. | I'm out. |
No, no, Homer. You have a... royal... sampler. | Oh I win again, don't I? Woo hoo. |
"Good one, Chosen One." Etc. | You know, I think you guys are lettin' me win. |
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | From now on, I want you to be honest with me. I mean, I'm not perfect, right? |
Yay! | Lisa, you were right. My happiness is fading. |
You're experiencing spiritual emptiness because your power has isolated you from other human beings. | What do you mean, isolated? ...ated...ated..ated..ated. |
Well maybe you could reach out to the community and help other people. | Hm... I could help others. I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and make them reenact the Civil War . |
Dad, that doesn't help people. | Couldn't hurt -- unless the monkeys start hurting people... which they almost certainly would. |
Silence! I now call to order the first meeting of the Ancient Mystic Society of NoHomers. | Hey, fellas. Can I join? |
Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these Colobus monkeys. Somebody's gonna get parasites. | Oh Marge, kids, I miss my club. |
I meant our wedding rings. | You know, Marge you're right. The Simpson family is the best possible club I could belong to. |
Or a fjord. | Quiet. I will not hear another word against the Boat. |
Okay, TV off. It's family time. | But Marge, Knightboat. The crime solving boat. |
Homer! | It was Bart. |
Why don't we all look at the photo album? | So many memories. Aw, look... Knightboat. |
Aw. | Thanks honey. Bank shot. |
Aw. | And here's our TV next to the mirror. It looks like we have two. |
Yeah, yeah, yeah two. Let's get to the baby pictures. | Moom. |
Yeah, yeah, yeah two. Let's get to the baby pictures. | That's exciting. |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.