instruction stringlengths 1 496 | response stringlengths 1 472 |
|---|---|
I'm sure it'll turn up. Take the baby-sitter home now. She's been sitting in the car for twenty minutes. | See, she's having the time of her life. |
I'm sorry? | Nobody's blaming you. Hey, could you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once. |
Just drop me off here. | Precious Venus... |
Just drop me off here. | Hey, kids. Lots of candy left for breakfast. |
There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me! | For a minute there I thought I was in big trouble. It's just a... |
Two four six eight / Homer's crime was very great! "Great" meaning "large or immense" / We used it in the pejorative sense! | Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse" without giggling like a schoolgirl. |
You grabbed me in the car! | Oh that. No. I was just grabbing a gummy Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. |
Boo! | C'mon, I'm a decent guy... |
Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did? | Well Lisa, remember that post card Grampa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? |
Oh, yeah. That was brilliant. | That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman. |
And the dog in the Coppertone ad? Same deal, Dad? | Well, that's kind of a gray area. |
We know you're innocent, Dad. | Thanks, kids. |
Homer! Wake up! Wake up! | Do your worst, protesters you can't stop me from living my life! |
You people aren't allowed in here. | It's okay, they're with me. |
Homer-- | Uh-huh? |
I already talked to the Indignation Coordinator out on the lawn today. I told her you were a decent man. But she wouldn't listen. Besides standing by you and supporting you, there isn't anything more I can do. | You mean, I'm on my own? I've never been on my own. Oh no! On own! On own! I need help. Oh, God help me! Help me, God! |
I already talked to the Indignation Coordinator out on the lawn today. I told her you were a decent man. But she wouldn't listen. Besides standing by you and supporting you, there isn't anything more I can do. | Y'ello? |
We're aware of your problems and Mr. Simpson, we want to help. | Hmm, I saw that report you did on Sasquatch. It was fair and evenhanded. I'll do it. |
That was really great, Mr. Simpson, we got everything we need. | Okay. Say, can you introduce me to the Sasquatch? I like his style. |
Homer, that's your solution to everything, to move under the sea. It's not gonna happen. | Not with that attitude. |
Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over. | It didn't blow over, Marge. Nothin' ever blows over for me. |
And now, we return to Fox Night at the Movies. "Homer S.: Portrait of An Ass Grabber," starring Dennis Franz. | Ooh, "Portrait!" Sounds classy... doesn't it? |
Now this technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over four hundred degrees. He's literally stewing in his own juices. Now here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95 percent of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of c... | I don't have a friend in the world. |
C'mon on let us through, you vultures. | Oh, Marge. It's a miracle. |
It's just hard not to listen to TV. It's spent so much more time raising us than you have. | Maybe TV is right. TV's always right. |
It's just hard not to listen to TV. It's spent so much more time raising us than you have. | Are you hugging the TV? |
Ai yi yi! Es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. Ohh! | I like it better when they're making fun of people who aren't me. I know - "Evening at the Improv." They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s. |
See I think about weird stuff. Like what would happen if E.T. and Mr. T. had a baby? Well, you'd get Mr. E.T. wouldn't ya? And you know I think he'd sound a little something like this: I pity the fool who doesn't phone home. | Oh, I wouldn't want to be Mr. T right now. |
The media's making a monster out of you because they don't care about the truth. All they care about is entertainment. Well you need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of the word "entertainment" -- Public Access Television. | But those shows all look so crummy. |
Now it's time for the Innocence Report with Homer Simpson. | Hello. I am Homer Simpson, or as some of you wags have dubbed me, "Father Goose." You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away. Nobody cares that I didn't do it. But I didn't. Okay, look, I've done some bad things in my life, but harassing women is not one of them. Like, one time they were having this rac... |
Now it's time for the Innocence Report with Homer Simpson. | Oh, gotta go. Innocent! |
Ah, here we go. | Precious Venus... |
Ah, here we go. | Thank you! |
Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man. I guess she was right. | You're both right. |
Wow. V8 juice isn't one-eighth gasoline. | And Ted Koppel is a robot. |
Tomorrow on Rock Bottom. He's a foreigner who takes perverted videos of you when you least suspect it. He's Rowdy Roddy Peeper. | Oh, that man is sick! |
Groundskeeper Willie saved you, Homer. | But listen to the music. He's evil! |
Hasn't this experience taught you you can't believe everything you hear? | Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing. |
Hasn't this experience taught you you can't believe everything you hear? | Let's never fight again. |
Is there something wrong, Homie? | No. It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before, and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye-- What I meant to say is... we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise. |
Is there something wrong, Homie? | Enchiladas. |
We need to talk about the... marital difficulties we've been having lately. | Marge, there's just too much pressure... what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad... but I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex. |
I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help... How 'bout a book? | Ooooookay. |
A tasteful book. | Oh. All right. |
Oh, I'm just reading up on, artillery. | Yes. And I am pursuing my interest in... |
This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty. It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey, you know, that nice Midwestern man on the radio who's like a pleasant version of Grampa. | Oooh. "Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American." |
HomeIE, I can't quite... | Faucet's jammed into my back... I'm stuck. |
The Arabian Nights Room looks nice... | Ooh, the Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus. |
The uh... toilet is overflowing in the uh Caveman Room! | Oh, here we are. The "Utility Room." |
This isn't very erotic. I think it's an actual utility room. | No, honey, it's a romantic fantasy. I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're... the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the utility room. |
Welcome home, Son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife? | Never mind. You wouldn't understand. |
Flu? | No. |
Protein deficiency? | No. |
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcano-coniosis? | No. |
Oh, Homey, what's-- | Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards. |
Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one! That tonic really works! You and Grampa should bottle it and go into business together. | You want me to spend more time with dad? What about my New Year's resolution? |
You could make a lot of money. | Yeah... Where are my pants? |
Hurry up! We got a lotta tonic to sell and a lotta towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid... | Great. I'm gonna be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag. |
Now, sir, you have never seen me before. Is that correct? | That is correct. |
You're the worst shill I ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine show business! | They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music. |
Hey, wait a minute. That's Amos Pierson's Moose Farm. Make a right, here. | Ewww, why're we stopping at this dump? |
Hey, wait a minute. That's Amos Pierson's Moose Farm. Make a right, here. | Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted. |
Yah! Ooh! Ow! Wah! | Ow! |
Quitcher daydreamin', melonhead. | Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could've been something more than I am, like a travel agent to a great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. |
That's 'cause you're a screw-up. | You're the screw-up! |
Why you little...! | All right! That's it. We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! |
I'm sorry I said that. | Out. |
Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life? | Of course not Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident. He didn't want to have me! |
You didn't want to have Bart. | I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child. |
You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning. | But when I do it, it's cute. |
Dad, number one: I know how to ride a bike. Number two: I already own a bike. And number three: that is a girl's bike. | You're no girl, you're a boy. A good boy. You can be president. Scratch that. You will be president. |
Dad! | I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing. |
No, Dad. I want to get down. This tire is filthy, and the steel belts are poking me. | Wheeee! Wheeee!!! |
No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting. | B-But I'm using my whole ass. |
Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary. | Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love! But now, I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking. |
No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. | You know what? |
What? | We're both screw-ups. |
It doesn't matter. What matters is you were right when you told me I never said anything nice about you. | So are you gonna say something nice now? |
Okay, here it goes... I'm not sorry I had you, Son. And I was always proud that you weren't a short man. | Aw, Dad. |
Whaddya say we roll on the grass, son? | I'm with you, Dad. |
Oh I need some coffee before I black out. Homer, pass me the sugar. | This is gonna to be great. |
Yeah! | Ah, come on, everybody. This bar is like a tavern to me. |
And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the juke box. | "It's Raining Men?" |
Oww. Ohh... | Jokes on them. I'm still alive. |
Cheer up, Homer. | Can't. |
What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh? | I'm not going to dignify that with an answer. |
Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for crisis as they do for opportunity? | Yes. Cris-a-tunity. You're right! I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it. I'm going to find a new bar to drink in. And I'm gonna get drunker than I've been in my entire life! Bart, where's my wallet? |
Right here, Dad. | Thank you! |
Good evening, sir. Would you please leave without a fuss right now? | Okay. |
"Homer?" Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. | Gr-aargh! Oh my God, this man is my exact double. That dog has a puffy tail! |
"Homer?" Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. | Here, Puff! Here Puff! |
"Homer?" Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. | The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking. |
"Homer?" Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. | Shut up, liver. |
"Homer?" Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. | Ooh, my liver hurts. |
Sorry, you gotta be a pilot to drink in here. | Uh, but I am a pilot. |
Where's your uniform? | I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment. |
You. | But I - |
Hey, you're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you? | Yeah, that's exactly why I'm here. |
Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your co-pilot. | Uh, yeah, um, uh as a change of pace, I'm gonna let you do most of the work. I think you're ready for it, Alan. |
Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your co-pilot. | And um, ah, I'll just uh get us started... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.