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Here are two free passes. | That's better. |
Yeah, switch the station. I consider myself politically correct, and his views make me uncomfortable. | Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, guys. Now, I'm not very political -- I usually think people who vote are a bit "fruit-y" -- but, for some reason, this Birch Barlow really speaks to me... |
Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else? | When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station. |
Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else? | I can't take this anymore. Let's switch back. |
That sounds like Sideshow Bob! | Yes, ma'am. Sideshow Bob. Yakkin' it up on the ol' yak-box. |
Dad, I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is. | Phew. |
Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick. But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery and Bart got him put in jail. | Uh-huh. |
When he got out, he married Aunt Selma and tried to murder her. | Oh, Sideshow Bob. |
Ack! Help! I'm being attacked by uh things! | It's the Rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes! |
Homer, we've got to stop them. | I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigajer. And no one in my family's gonna stand for it! |
Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics. | Stuck-up Riverdale punks. Think they're too good for me. |
I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign. | Hey, Mr. Smithers! |
Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house? | Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there, again. |
This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of satanic rituals, witch burnings, and five John Denver Christmas Specials. | John Denver. |
Homer, I'm impressed. You're taking this quite well. | I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! |
Homer! | Sorry, sorry. Don't worry, there's plenty I can do to keep myself occupied. Maybe I'll check out that axe collection. See ya later. |
So what'll it be, Homer? | Moe! Give me a beer! |
No. Not unless you kill your family. | Why should I kill my family? |
Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts. | You don't look so happy. |
This is less encouraging. | So, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV and No Beer Make Homer..." something something. |
Go crazy? | Gimme the bat, Marge. Gimme the bat! Gimme the bat! C'mon, gimme the bat. Gimme the bat ba-bat! |
Go crazy? | Heh-heh. Scaredy-cat... |
Homer, it's Moe. Ah, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward. | Can't murder now. Eating. |
C'mon. | Noooo! |
Hi David, I'm Grampa. | I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on "60 minutes." |
Oh my, I hope that rug was Scotchguarded. | Must kill family. . |
Dad, look! | Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover. |
Dad, look! | Urge to kill fading, fading... |
Dad, look! | Fading... Rising! |
Dad, look! | ...Fading, fading, gone. |
Dad, look! | Come, family, sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing, warming glow. |
Homer, change channel! | Can't. Frozen. |
"ONE / SINGULAR SENSATION..." | Urge to kill rising. |
Dad!! Daaadd!! Homer!! | Get it off! Get it off! Get it offf!! |
Okilly dokilly. | Hey, what the hell is that geek Flanders doing on TV? |
Just relax, let the hooks do their work. | What the hell are you smiling at? |
It's Bliiiiisssss. | Nooooo! |
It's Bliiiiisssss. | Oh no! They're gaining on me. Wait, I have an idea. |
It's Bliiiiisssss. | These wieners will give me the quick energy I need to escape. |
Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today? | Hmm. Fabulous house. Well-behaved kids. Sisters-in-law dead. Luxury sedan. Woo hoo! I hit the jackpot. Marge, dear. Would you kindly pass me a donut? |
Good morning, dear. | What's my name?! What color is the sky?! What of donuts? WHAT?! For the love of God, tell meeeee!!! |
Homer! The sky is blue. Donuts are plentiful. Friday is TGIF night on ABC. What's gotten into you? | Nothing. Nothing at all. Let's just eat. |
Homer! The sky is blue. Donuts are plentiful. Friday is TGIF night on ABC. What's gotten into you? | Eh. Close enough. |
Huh? | Uh oh, it's seeping in! Stupid cheap weather stripping. |
Oh that's sweet, Homer. Our son is growing up, isn't he? | No, it's not that. Didn't you hear? They have no bananas. They have no bananas today. |
Have you noticed any change in Bart? | New glasses? |
No. He looks like something might be disturbing him. | Probably misses his old glasses. |
I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities. But then I'd be afraid of smothering him. | Yeah, and then we'd get the chair. |
That's not what I meant. | It was, Marge. Admit it. |
Well, Jessica, I don't think we should hang out together anymore. You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug. | Oh good, here comes the collection plate. |
Thirty cents off Shake 'n Bake. Homer! | We can spare it, Marge. We've been blessed. |
He confessed! | Stop him! He's headed for the window! |
I didn't take it. | Why you little... How can you look me in the eye and lie like that?! |
Homer, stop that. I believe him. | Tell me, if he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes? |
That's what he wore to church. | Ooo, how convenient. |
No. | See, son? Telling the truth isn't so bad. |
If you search her room, I am certain you will find the money. | To the little girl's room! |
Kent, I'd like to remind everybody to come down and watch me at the Springfield Laugh 'n Brew 'n Burgers 'n Fries this Saturday. The forecast calls for a seventy-five percent chance of hilarity. | I like those odds. |
Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder. | Whew, that's all of 'em. And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How 'bout a present, son? |
Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates. | Done and done. |
That's not fair... Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out? | Ah, the mysteries of life. |
Cheer up. So you're not good at sports. It's a very small part of life. | Sports, sports, sports, sports. Sports, sports, sports, sports. Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today because he's a good guy at sports. |
Cheer up. So you're not good at sports. It's a very small part of life. | I mean my little girl buddy. |
I think Lisa needs to feel a little special tonight. How about letting her ride up front, too? | I tried. |
Oh yes, we won! We won! We won! Um, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, ah, we won't be going for pizza. | Well boy, you won. So I'm gonna live up to my side of the agreement. Here's your turtle, alive and well. |
Please, Dad, I'll be fine. | I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different. No jokes, no taunting... Look! That kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? |
Please, Dad, I'll be fine. | Come here, you butterball. |
I can't even watch. I don't know how you two can sit here laughing at poor Lisa while she's out there probably scared to death. | We're laughing with her, Marge! There's a big difference. |
Absolutely, honey. By blocking the net I really think you helped your team. | Okay, little buddy, hop in! |
Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of Cops, but if we hurry we can catch the last three. | Ah, sorry Bart, Lisa and I are going out for gelato. We'd ask you to come but, you know... |
Hey Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo! Jimbo! Go for the face! Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone! | Wow, eye of the tiger, mouth of a teamster. To think of all the time I wasted on you... uh, well, not wasted... I love you. |
Mr. Honeybunny! | Quiet down, Bart! |
Hm, I better go check that out. Now Homer, don't you eat this pie. | Okay. All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this. |
Hm, I better go check that out. Now Homer, don't you eat this pie. | And if you get eaten, it's your own fault. |
I don't care who started it. I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both. You're not in competition with each other. Repeat. You are not in competition with each other. | Hey! Apu just called. This Friday Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love. |
I don't care who started it. I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both. You're not in competition with each other. Repeat. You are not in competition with each other. | Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. |
You'll have to do better than that tonight, chump. | I asked for ketchup. I'm eating salad here. |
Hello. | Moe, what are you doin' here? |
Stop it! Stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game. | Now that we're all alone, Marge, admit it. You like Lisa best. |
No. | Oh, so you're a Bart woman, are you? |
No. | Well, you can't possibly like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin' for nobody! |
Hi Mom! Over here! Mom! | Hi kids! |
I've never been so proud of them. | They're both losers. Losers! |
Ew. Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box. They go in the trash. | You like sweets, kids? I know a place that's sweeter than sweetness itself. In this sweet place, earthly donuts are sour as poison. You'd spit them out! You would! I'm talking about the Candy Industry Trade Show. . |
How did you get tickets? | They hid them in every millionth Krusty Klump bar and Krusty Klump bar with almonds. |
No,me!Takeme!Me!Me!Me! | Sorry kids, but this is one event I want my darling wife by my side. |
Oh, well thank you Homer. But take one of the kids. | Ma-arge. They can't carry enough candy. They have puny, little muscles, not big, ropey ones like you. |
Mom! How can you leave us with this maniac?! | Hurry, Marge. If we get there early we can get our pictures taken with the two surviving Musketeers. |
Mr. Goodbar to the front desk... The front desk is looking for Mr. Goodbar. | I feel like a kid in some kind of a store. |
Mr. Goodbar to the front desk... The front desk is looking for Mr. Goodbar. | Brilliant... exquisite ...ooh, you'll do well... Gimme those, etc. |
As you can see, I have created a lemonball so sour it can only be safely contained in a magnetic field. The candy, known as 77X42 -- Where the hell is the candy? | I don't know. |
One, a humorous substitute for your own lips. | Mmm hmm. Keep going. |
Ah, you're gonna have to put some sugar on that celery or get out, ma'am. | Oooh -- gummy bears. Gummy calves heads. Gummy jaw breakers. |
Ah, you're gonna have to put some sugar on that celery or get out, ma'am. | What dat? |
Will you two stop saying "gummy" so much. | Must have rare gummy. Distract the salesman Marge! |
Oooh... how'd they get there? | Now, this is going to take all my skill. |
Halt! Halt! | Run, Marge! Save the booty! |
Halt! Halt! | See you in hell, candy boys. |
Wheee! | Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where's my gummy de Milo? Okay, don't panic. She can't have gotten far; she has no arms. |
I'm sure it'll turn up. Take the baby-sitter home now. She's been sitting in the car for twenty minutes. | Relax, Marge, there's plenty for her to do in there. |
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