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cracked | a_valentine_s_day_greeting_from_carson_daly | I was personally asked to record this special, special, and private Valentine's Day message just for you. Your significant other came to me and said, hey, Carlos, would you mind please recording something special for Valentine's Day for my loved one?
And I said, first of all, my name's Carson, but yes, I'll do it. Any... |
dropout | training_for_thanksgiving_at_home | Hello and welcome back to the Thanksgiving Games. The competition with events designed around going home for Thanksgiving.
I'm left-handed. And I'm just Val.
Today we're following Raphael Chesting. I'm sorry, now this is a competitor out of Chicago who I had a lot of hope for at the start of the season, but things re... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_24_01_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News bulletin we're back on Friday Avos now 24th of January coming to you live from the Old City District in Batutah. Recording here in the Budgie Smuggler booth you are of course joined by myself Clan... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_ryan_reiss | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ryan Reis! This group of women will have a better time than a group of dudes, you ever notice that? Every single time, they're more comfortable with each other, they aren't. Never any awkward moments with women. They're gonna be awkward moments with men.
You ever been walking down ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bill_clinton_after_the_impeachment_trial_saturday_night_live | Well, the White House Scandal is finally behind us now, and we're officially talked out. there's absolutely nothing left to say, unless, of course, you are the President of the United States. please welcome President Bill Clinton. Hey, Colin. how you doing? what's wrong, Mr. President? you seem down. Yeah. well, I am d... |
dropout | big_dick_birth_defect | Dr. Davis, telephone please. Dr. Davis...
I'm sorry, I have some bad news. Is everything okay? Is my wife and my baby? Your wife is recovering, the baby was born, but he has a very rare birth defect.
Oh god. He was born with abnormally large genitalia, and his life is at risk. We're closely monitoring him. Doctor, if... |
cracked | everybody_sucks_at_driving_in_justice_league_yboc | I, Dr. Jordan Breeding could sit here and point out all the things that don't really make sense in Zack Snyder's Justice League, like the Amazons apparently hoping to kill an alien box with swords and arrows, or Martian Manhunter seemingly impersonating Martha Kent in the hopes of, I don't know, hooking up with Lois? I... |
TheOnion | Study_Average_Person_Becomes_Unhinged_Psychotic_When_Alone_In_Own_House | According to a groundbreaking new study published Thursday in the New England Journal of Medicine, psychologists at Cornell University have discovered that the average person, while ostensibly appearing to be normal and mentally sound in their day-to-day lives, immediately becomes a deranged psychotic when alone at hom... |
TheOnion | Earthquake_Late_Warning_System_Goes_Off_In_Haiti | A local grandmother is beginning to realize that her family never even looked for a better nursing home. A man leaves a father-daughter dance with a different girl than he came with, and an earthquake late warning system goes off in Haiti. Watch as yet another precious fraction of your life passes mercilessly in front ... |
SaturdayNightLive | amy_schumer_stand_up_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Amy Schumer! it's so great to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live. I've been so busy. you may have seen my Hulu show, Life in Beth, and inside. Amy Schumer is back on Paramount+.
I can't believe I have the honor of being the final host before the midterm abortions. elections! What did I say?... |
dropout | how_does_the_holy_trinity_poop | Yes, cookies. I'll have, I don't know, a million.
Oh, no, no, no, no, Pat!
There has peanuts in it. You're allergic to peanuts.
Oh, my God. Wow, that was close. I mean, that was good. Oh, my God. Wait a minute. Oh. Oh, my...
Help! Somebody help!
Hello? Siobhan? Zach? Mike? Anyone? Come, my child. Come and behold. ... |
cracked | the_existential_terror_of_the_easiest_job_in_the_world | I'm sure he's fine. Hey look at my new stunner shade.
He said he was having dark thoughts. Thoughts are good for you.
I love that song. Hey guys. He could be a harm to himself. Guys. I'm here. I exist.
If you want to start making all of our deliveries for us, be my guest. Do I exist? All of our none deliveries? Sure... |
dropout | hardly_working_ricky_s_diary | Guys aren't going to believe this, I snuck into Ricky's office and I stole his diary. Ahhh! Read it, read it! Friday, December 5th, Buster did a great job at the meeting today. By far my favorite employee. Nicknames, huh? Sneaky. I'm so Buster. How do you know? I did a great job at that meeting too. Yeah, well so did I... |
dropout | if_your_girlfriend_was_actually_crazy | Sorry, man. Girlfriend. Uh-oh. You in trouble?
She gets pissed off at me for going to the bar too much. That's why I say I'm not at the bar.
She gets more mad when she catches me. She's crazy. I've been there, dude. Just the other day, my girlfriend goes all psycho on me, because she thought I was flirting with some ... |
cracked | donald_trump_s_twitter_can_be_debunked_in_five_seconds | Donald Trump's Twitter account is insane tell me about it How closely have you guys been following it because Donald Trump he was times boy of the year boy of the year Yeah, here's the thing that happened yesterday. Is that Trump retweeted an account called dr. Goodspine that was saying Something nice about him or he d... |
dropout | gandalf_street_magic | An amazing new talent is Stown's Middle Earth. His name is Gandalf.
Excuse me, can I show you something? Depends on what it is, man. I'd like you to take these two coins and I'd like you to place them in your hand and I'd like you to squeeze your hand very tight. What's this clown up to, Mr. Frodo? And now open your h... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Ridiculous_Killer_Robots | Today we're going to be talking about ridiculous killer robots. When this inventory first came up, the first thing that came to my mind was the little battle droids from the new Star Wars films. That doesn't compute. But then another movie came to my attention, and once I watched it, I had to talk about it.
It's Ro-Ma... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bill_clinton_on_independence_day_snl | Independence Day, the science fiction Fantasy starring Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, and Will Smith was not only last summer's biggest box office hit, it was a national phenomenon. Here with his review is update: Movie Critic and 42nd President of these United States, Bill Clinton. Thank you. Norm, director of Roland Em... |
dropout | how_to_take_off_pants_while_keeping_underwear_on | How's it going? I'm Pat. And I'm Matt.
Ready to rock? I'm ready.
Let's see some people. Jimmy Stewart, Patrick Stewart, Colin the Joker, Ray Romano. You look like Godfrey. I was wondering if you were going to go keep going, but you kept it to the five-second. I think it was in really poor taste, though, doing Gilbert... |
dropout | Personal_Grooming_Horror_Stories | Hi, I'm Grant O'Brien, and I'm here to talk to you about pubes. We all have personal grooming horror stories, but not everyone will share them. I will, because I'm very brave and strong and, I don't know, I kind of have a boyish charm thing. It's whatever. Shut up. So we went around the office and collected personal gr... |
TheOnion | 22_Golden_Bachelor_Contestants_Announce_Pregnancies | Golden Bachelor fans are celebrating today, as all 22 Golden Bachelor contestants have just announced they are pregnant. The women, whose ages range from 60 to 75, confirmed to People magazine that every single one of them is expecting a little bundle of joy with the Golden Bachelor himself, 72-year-old Jerry Turner. D... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Vote_No_To_The_Elites_And_Their_Indigenous_Voice_Margot_Robbie_Has_Slipped_Into_The_Uggs_And_Cra_ | You're listening to the Betuda Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome to the weekly Betuda bulletin. Glad you're overall here. Happy Bateman's also here and so is Wendell Hussey. What's been going on with you lot? Not too much.
Errol Parker, he's off in the woods doing one of those shouting workshop... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_slumber_party_all_nighter_2012 | Welcome to Bleatwoop. I am Jeff Rubin here with John Gabris, Dan Kline, and as always, my co-host Pat Cassels. It is the College Humor all-nighter, so we are playing slumber party games, starting with Charm Girls Club Pajama Party.
It's sad that they like only know each other. They don't talk to anybody outside their ... |
SaturdayNightLive | royal_stripper_saturday_night_live | Get hold of yourself, madam. I'm Dame Lydia Snoot. this is my assistant, Dr. Roofta. we are detectives. we've been working on the Jack the Stripper case for several weeks now. I realize that you've been brutally embarrassed, but perhaps you could give us a few clues. Now, where did he embarrass you? I don't do this lan... |
SaturdayNightLive | shoptv_christmas_snl | No, I know you. I know you. seasons, greetings, home shoppers. Hey, y'all.
Ray and Lindy here live with Mistletoe. Check. whoo-hoo! there isn't any. Oh, you wish. you wish it. I'm silly today. Oh, it's 5 o'clock, and that means it's time for some holiday squeal deals. Ahh! oh, damn, what is that, Sandafest? We asked f... |
SaturdayNightLive | nightline_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | This past Sunday, World Chess Champion Gary Kasparov lost a much publicized match against the Ibm computer Deep Blue. this stunning loss forces us to question our own role in the age of technology, As we ask, Will machines eventually come to dominate mankind? Tonight, on Nightline. this is Abc News Nightline, reporting... |
cracked | 5_horrifying_realities_behind_the_scenes_of_an_emergency_room | Wait, settle down everyone, I can answer your questions. Well that's a relief! Sort of.
I can answer your questions about how the ER works, but I can't answer anything about your injury. I'm not allowed to. Also, I don't know anything. What? My only qualifications are devastatingly good looks and a high school diploma... |
TheOnion | Marvel_Not_Even_Bothering_To_Replace_Green_Screens_With_CGI_Anymore | Marvel Studios has just announced that they're no longer even going to bother with replacing green screens with CGI anymore. What a huge shake-up for the Marvel franchise! Marvel president Kevin Feige stated in a recent interview that the studio was done even trying to crank out half-baked CGI for its films, and that u... |
cracked | one_of_the_most_iconic_film_scenes_was_made_up_on_the_spot | In Midnight Cowboy, John Voight plays Joe Buck, a small-town Texan who goes to New York to become a hustler and ends up being the one who's hustled. Shortly after arriving, Buck gets scammed by Ratso, a crippled conman played by Dustin Hoffman, who later wins him over with his charming personality and helps him become ... |
TheOnion | NBA_Players_Owners_Fail_To_Reach_Agreement_Where_They_Would_Beat_Each_Other_With_Chains | The Seattle Seahawks, they're a football team Kenny, they have a stadium. They blew that team up years ago Doc, I saw it happen. And you've already lost round one of the face off.
The NBA lockout is over but fans are outraged with players and owners for failing to reach an agreement to beat each other with chains. Thi... |
SaturdayNightLive | nate_bargatze_stand_up_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Nate Borgetsi! thank you. thank you. thank you very much. it's very exciting. it's crazy. I'm as. look, if you're at home, I'm as shocked as you are that I'm here. So, it's, you know, I've come to this building for a long time, and so it's unreal to be here at this. at this center of life, which i... |
dropout | porn_stars_against_santorum | By now, you've probably heard of presidential hopeful Rick Santorum's anti-pornography policies. If elected, Santorum has vowed to prosecute our industry on infrequently enforced obscenity laws. But as porn stars and Americans, we can't let that happen.
Picture a world without pornography. Pizza delivery boys with not... |
dropout | how_big_meat_made_bacon_a_meme_adam_ruins_everything | Adam, you cannot ruin bacon. Bacon is not just the key ingredient to my nachos.
It's my thing. Yeah, dude. Same shirt.
Everything's better with bacon. I too love the flavor combination of animal fat and salt. But the only reason bacon became a pop culture meme factory is that the pork industry waged a massive marketi... |
SaturdayNightLive | excedril_saturday_night_live | A lot of pain relievers try to impress you with fancy medical evidence and research. but when you've got a headache, scientific mumbo jumbo is the last thing you want to hear. Joseph Cannon, Excedral user. that's why I take Excedral. Excedral is the most powerful pain reliever available, and there is absolutely no medi... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_professor_ronald_hutton | The stone's edge was all rocks, wasn't it? Are stones made of rock or are rocks made of stone? Both. A stone is a rock. Generally a rock is... And a rock is a stone. Yeah, yeah, generally rocks are more edgy, more ragged varieties of stone.
The stone age lasted a very long time. In fact, our species spent more time in... |
dropout | if_the_speech_from_independence_day_happened_today | Should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday. But as the day when the world declared in one voice, we will not go quietly into the night. Well, there you have it. President Whitmore said tonight, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday.
I'm just gon... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_the_original_princes_of_comedy_snl | Yo. Oh, welcome back to. What's up, boys? Melvin? Jake? Ice Spice? what's up, man? it's so cool you're hosting, man.
I mean, this is kind of embarrassing, but we were just watching videos of you doing stand-up when you were a teenager. Well, no way. pretty crazy. yeah, but I'm into cougars, you know? yeah. I think 21-... |
dropout | if_reality_tv_took_on_push_up_competitions | Coming this fall for thousands of years man has reached for the sky now you will reach for the ground. I'm your host Kurt Dundee and this is Pushup House. Eight contestants will face off. I've spent my whole life perfecting my body for television now's my chance to show my body on television. I have a pretty good chanc... |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_unpacks_martin_short_in_the_snl_studio | Water! I need water!
Hey, hi. it is such an honor. I'm so excited to meet you too.
Likewise, big fan. I grew up watching your movies, the Three Amigos. could you get me a green tea with extra ice? Oh, I'm actually one of the cast members.
Oh! oh, yeah. with a Holiday Cop. Holiday Cop? got it.
I can't breathe.
Hi, ... |
cracked | movie_plots_that_only_work_if_everybody_is_an_idiot_yboc_elf_twilight | Ooh, this guy's going to be dead in a week.
Hey, good, you're here. Your results just got back. My name is Dr. Jordan Breeding, and my middle name is Chapman, which my mom says comes from John Chapman, aka Johnny Appleseed, but I remember grapes. I'd like to see an apple do that.
Anyway, you're about to be part of th... |
TheOnion | Universe_Crueler_More_Uncaring_Place_Than_Previously_Thought | According to new evidence gathered by the Harvard Institute for Advanced Studies, the universe, long known to be a heartless and unforgiving place, is actually crueler and more meaningless than previously believed. Lead researcher Dr. Susan Denami explained the study's findings. Essentially, our comprehensive study sho... |
SaturdayNightLive | issues_snl | Everybody's got issues, we don't need to have issues. We've got issues, issues, where it's gonna get it. Hello, welcome to issues. I'm your host, Clarence Dernigan. this is a show where we help you with your issues. you know, I was two credits away from having my degree in Social Work from Arizona University, so I gues... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_donald_trump_jr_mocks_paul_pelosi_kanye_west_s_instagram_suspension_snl | President Biden, seen here begging for one more year before the midterms, warned about Republican candidates who say they will refuse to accept election results, warning they could set the nation on a path to chaos. So wait, this is just the path to chaos? I thought we'd been living in chaos for at least six years. I m... |
dropout | bound_by_my_stepbrother | Hello everyone and welcome to Erotic Book Club, one of College Humor's new vodcast series. I am your host Jessica Ross and my co-host Rekha Shankar. Thank you so much for being here. The Erotic Book Club is exactly what it sounds like. It's a book club where we read erotic novels. Today we have some wonderful guests in... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kenan_thompson_bowen_yang_james_austin_johnson_and_michael_longfellow_snl | In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the U.s. for Satanism and denounced the many genders and fashion in the West. it was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable. the Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment i... |
TheOnion | Scientists_Successfully_Teach_Gorilla_It_Will_Die_Someday | Scientists at Tulane University's Primate Research Center announced they have taught a gorilla that someday it will die. Nate Meredith has more in the lab report. Thanks, Dan. In an historic first, a team of primatologists has succeeded in teaching Quigley a western lowland gorilla the concept of mortality and his inev... |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_blake_lively_sings_with_the_muppets_snl | Wait, wait, wait. we're hosting Saturday Night Live. Oh, my God.
I love New York this time of year. there's nothing like Christmas in the city. Today is the first day at Snowd, which is why I wore my winter clothes. It's so exciting being here this week at 30 Rockefeller Center because they just had the annual tree li... |
SaturdayNightLive | elder_psa_snl | My name is Russell. I'm 81 years old, and I don't like getting pranked. I'm Ruth. I'm 67.
I get pranked all the time. I don't like it. My name is Walter. I'm very proud to be United States Veteran, and I do not enjoy getting pranked. every day, thousands of seniors fall victim to tiktok pranks. it has to stop. it's go... |
TheOnion | Cucumber_Is_Everywhere_So_Why_Are_People_Still_Fat | Obesity levels are on the rise in the US, with nearly a third of adults considered obese.
And yet, if you look around, it seems like cucumber is everywhere. In our salads, on our sandwiches, even in our water. So if cucumber is widely available, why are people still fat? Now, this could be explained away easily if cuc... |
dropout | store_prank_people_flip_out_when_cashier_steals_credit_card | All right, total comes to $3,188. Come on, sorry, our credit card machine's been acting funky. This damn thing keeps not working. Hey, Jimmy, could you go run this for $8.50? $6,164? $43.60?
Where did you take my card? Oh, I got this guy down the street. Sometimes when our machine isn't working, he just runs cards for... |
TheOnion | DNA_Evidence_Frees_Black_Man_Convicted_Of_Bear_Attack | Today, evidence has freed a Panola, Georgia man today after 12 years in federal prison. James Marshall was sentenced to life without parole in 1996 for the mauling death of a state park hiker, Janet Kelly. Now, I took one look at him and I knew he was the man that mauled and ate my daughter. Now that he's locked up, I ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | testing_how_racist_thomas_jefferson_is_ | Hey Frank, did you paint the inside of the microwave? Yeah, it was dirty Who's your friend oh So, you know people like that are always like what would the founding fathers say if like they were alive today They want America Yeah, I guess well, that's Thomas Jefferson What I brought him back. I brought him now, dude Why... |
SaturdayNightLive | rome_song_snl | Lately it seems like the magic is gone. He's the love of my life. But something is wrong. He's staring out the window. What does he see? is he dreaming of another woman? he wants more than me. He's got me feeling so alone, like our house is not a home. Would he be happier on his own?
What you thinking about, baby? me?... |
dropout | Stuffed_Animals_Kill_the_Mood | so this is my room oh my god it's uh cute um wow you have kind of a lot of plush toys oh yeah my stuffies stuffies yeah I try to get a stuffy whenever I go somewhere new or sometimes a friend will get me a new stuffy oh that's sweet so it's kind of like each one represents a memory yeah totally okay um is it kind of we... |
SaturdayNightLive | kanye_skechers_commercial_snl | Here at Sketchers, we pride ourselves on two things. making stylish, comfortable shoes at an affordable price. and having zero tolerance for anti-semitism. that's why, earlier this week, when Kanye West showed up at our corporate office, asking to work with us, we said, no. no way. no. no thank you. And we immediately ... |
dropout | jake_and_david_try_to_impress_si_swimsuit_models | Hey everybody, I'm Jake, and this is David, and Sophie sent us out here at the SI Swimsuit Launch Party to see what it takes to impress a swimsuit model. Let's hope they talk to us. Well, we are on the red carpet. Well, they are swimsuit models. Fair enough. All right, we want to talk to you about what guys can endure,... |
TheOnion | God_Tells_IOC_President_To_Build_Ark_Gather_2_Olympians_From_Each_Sport | Get out of my face and into London, I'm Kenny Kennedy. Doc has to buy a passport with his face on it.
We're making do with Tim Devanen of OSN's The Steam Room. Kenny, it's nice to have you the co-host with me today. Remember your place, Tim. Below dock and above crustaceans. Alright, clank your crusty mugs because thi... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_whiners_at_snl_saturday_night_live | Your name, please? Mr. and Mrs. Jackson. Oh, Kidoki, go right ahead. Thanks. Your name, please. Mr. and Mrs. Winters. All right. go on. that's fine. Your name, please?
Weiner! Dog And Wendy Weiner! fine. all right.
But you see, you're late. so I'm afraid your seats have been taken. Oh, well, we had to take a nap. it'... |
cracked | how_these_entitled_millennials_want_jobs_that_pay | Hey everyone, thanks for joining me for this really weird video. I already don't know how we're gonna title it It's gonna be like an interview conversation thing. I'm Daniel O'Brien.
This is Talia Jane You've written a couple articles for us here at Cracked. You can find them on the website. They're great But you also... |
dropout | april_fool_s_on_the_internet_sucks_hardly_working | Oh, did you guys see this? Netflix is making a Calvin and Hobbs animated series. No way, this is like... wait a minute.
What day is it? April 1st. April Fools. Ha ha! What power we lost is I, the April Fool, returned once again to fill the internet with jokes and shapes in all manner of dumb fooling.
No, God, this is... |
ClickHole | eye_opening_these_guys_lived_15_minutes_as_homeless_to_see_what_it_s_really_like | Hey guys, your boys Matt and Jesse are back.
And you guessed it, we're talking the homeless. You all know that we love helping the homeless. We are addicted to helping the homeless. But we were wondering what it's like to actually be homeless. So today, we're gonna live like the homeless live.
Time to walk the walk. ... |
cracked | why_mary_poppins_was_so_efficient_at_taking_care_of_kids | I thought having a new baby sister would be much more fun. Oh Michael, I wish Mary Poppins were still living with us. She'd know what to do. Mary Poppins!
Hello! What are you doing here?
Well, I heard you needed some help with the crying baby. Oh yes, she's ever so upset. Now Michael, mustn't be negative. Mary Poppin... |
SaturdayNightLive | mena_suvari_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Menas Mavare. This is so cool to be hosting Saturday Night Live. this is like a dream come true. it all started when I got a part of the movie American Beauty. but I've had an awfully amazing experience working with the cast of this show. Here, let me show you. I mean, look at this studio. can you... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_steve_rogers_on_alec_baldwin_snl | On Wednesday of this week, actor Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight after he refused to turn off his phone and stop playing words with friends. Now, here to comment: the pilot of that flight, Captain Steve Rogers. Thanks so much for coming, Captain. thanks for having me, Seth. So, Captain Rogers, w... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_andy_walking_saturday_night_live | Hi, America, Andy Samberg here on the streets of New York City. everyone knows that people in television are way smarter than regular people out on the street, so I thought it'd be fun to go around and ask people simple questions and see how dumb they look when they try and answer them. Come on!
Who was the first Pres... |
dropout | ed_hardy_parody_shirt_comes_to_life | Oh, you noticed this, I used to say, yeah, love kills slowly, what does that mean? Good question. Okay, well, Ed Hardy gave a guy like me from the freakin' streets a chance, and uh, Mr. Ed Hardy, you're the best, I love you, love does kill slowly, and I hope I, I hope I died for a long time. Once I got the call, I was ... |
dropout | what_you_wish_would_happen_on_game_of_thrones_part_2 | I'm going to murder you! Just like I murdered your whole sister! Over in my love!
Why so surprised? Did you think the red viper was just a name?
Tyrion Latister! Your pardon! Alright! Farewell Tyrion!
We're off!
Where more orgies await us! God, they're so effing cool! Bum, bum! Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum! Bran, your j... |
cracked | why_keep_calm_and_carry_on_is_a_lie_hilarious_helmet_history | Keep calm and carry on said no one in World War two ever Welcome to hilarious helmet history the show where today's cultural historical misconceptions are even sillier than my helmet today I'm wearing a World War two aviator helmet because we're talking about the number one symbol of Britain in World War two Not Winsto... |
dropout | hiiiiiiiiigh_castle_part_3_predictions | We're all big fans of Amazon's The Man in the High Castle. Who in the what castle? Man in the High Castle. I never watched it before, I just like it in high.
Today, we've decided to combine the two. And this? This? This is...
High Castle. So, we just watched the trailer for season two. We saw The Man in the High Cast... |
cracked | why_idiocracy_would_actually_be_a_utopia | Hi, maybe you've heard the bad news already. We're doomed. Everyone is saying so. Whenever the news covers a celebrity breakup instead of a foreign bombing, or a politician says women's bodies can shut down rape, or a kid asks Facebook if he can catch deafness from his dog. We all take to our keyboards and announce tha... |
dropout | how_would_you_survive_a_zombie_apocalypse_ask_ch | You know what I would do? I would sit them down very calmly and I would ask, hey, what's the problem? We hear so much about people running away from zombies, maybe we need to run to the zombies and ask them what's wrong.
Maybe the reason why zombies are always going brains is because they're, you know, hungry for an i... |
ClickHole | inspiring_people_describe_the_first_time_they_drank_gatorade | The first time I drank Gatorade my first sip of the football milk we call Gatorade You want to know about my first encounter with the sweet neon soup of Gatorade the first time that I drank Gatorade It's a story.
I know very well Well, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends and they were all drinking Gatora... |
dropout | lying_to_have_something_in_common | Good meeting everybody! Yeah! We did it! Great! We did it! Oh!
How was your trip? It was so fun! We went to Six Flags! Ugh! Love Six Flags!
Have you been to the one in San Antonio? Oh my god! San Antonio is gorgeous! So nice there! Have you been to, um, Longhorn Brewery? My cousin works at Longhorn! Oh, their beer is... |
cracked | pocket_film_festival_contest_if_great_horror_movies_had_a_budget_of_a_1 | If you want in on this movie star lifestyle, all you gotta do is submit an entry to the cracked smartphone, very short film competition. What does that look like, you ask? Well, for example... Well before I even finish my sentence, I get interre- Oh, sorry.
Probably Cody, he's been butt dialing me all day. Cody, I- Sh... |
cracked | 4_movies_that_forgot_to_tie_up_loose_ends_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello Internet, I am Daniel Ulysses Hammercock O'Brien and this is Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the award-aware of Internet show that looks at all of the hard pop culture questions in the world and says, no, let's pass on those and talk about bullshit instead. OPCD took a break for a few months while we worked with ... |
dropout | barack_obama_s_bbq | That's my girls. Get out of here, you little elfkins.
Go on, grill it and chill it. Great barbecue, Barack. I'll have my burger rare. Ugh, gross. I'll have mine well done. Relax, friends. I'm sure we can work out some happy medium burger.
Now neither of us are happy. Barack, my shish kebab fell in the dirt. I know it... |
SaturdayNightLive | wymins_poetry_night_saturday_night_live | I'm your Mc, Mickey the Dyke, And welcome to Women's Poetry Night. Sorry we got a late start tonight, but we were all in the back room watching Ellen. yeah, yeah, that's a good show, isn't it? Yeah, I just love her character. what else is that, right? I don't know. Okay, let's get started. our first performer is a writ... |
dropout | what_s_not_actually_british | Top of the morning to you, and welcome to Britain or bollocks. Please welcome to help my co-host and our legit resident British person, Siobhan Thompson. Good way. You're going to do that voice the whole time? Yeah, I was thinking it was like. Siobhan will read a series of statements about the United Kingdom, after whi... |
dropout | Don_t_Start_a_Twitch_Stream | See my tail oh actually you guys are free tonight I'm gonna be broadcasting on Twitch as Asian invasion that's a ZN around 710 of you guys are free I'm gonna be playing the Lion King on Super Nintendo it's notoriously hard I'll meet you downstairs okay oh you should be a guest on it we could play that a daddy dating si... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_232_Oliver_Mol | Just a quick warning, this podcast contains themes of crime, trauma, sexual abuse, drug use and suicide. Listener discretion is advised. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Petuta Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown P... |
cracked | people_used_to_send_babies_through_the_mail | People used to send babies through the mail. When the U.S. Post Office started delivering packages weighing more than 4 pounds in 1913, people sent anything and everything, and apparently anyone. With the new parcel service in effect, an Ohio couple wrapped and mailed their 10 and 3 quarter pound infant, with an insure... |
TheOnion | It_s_A_Mom_s_Right_To_Decide_Whether_Her_Kids_Ride_A_Stranger_s_Dog | Friends, I am sorry to vent, but I am sick and tired of strangers telling me to get my kids off their dog at the public park. Call me old fashioned, but in the Devlin family, we still ride dogs. I mean, kids are kids. If there is a dog in the area, they're going to climb onto it and ride it like a fast little horse. A ... |
dropout | modern_warfare_soldier_comes_home | Hey mom, whatcha doin? Cooking dinner. I miss daddy. We all do. Mommy, what's that? Surprise. Daddy, daddy, daddy! Oh my god! How are you babe? Hey, hey, it's dad. Hey, support.
I thought you weren't due back home until January. Yeah, the internet went out so I'm back. Daddy, you need a shower.
Oh yeah? I was over th... |
SaturdayNightLive | wired_autocomplete_interview_snl | All right, my turn. Is Dina Sullivan single? Um, I'm gonna plead the fifth. Come on, boring. Okay, it's my turn, y'all. Is Zach Elliot the guy who lost full control of his bowels on that Delta flight and the plane had to turn around? What? dude, that's crazy man, I passed. man. All right, very cool. All right. Okay, my... |
SaturdayNightLive | rocket_report_first_subway_ride_saturday_night_live | And now, this week's edition of The Rocket Report. New York City, and we're in the Subways with our host, Charlene Tilton, who's never ridden the Subway before in your life. Charlene, you look excited. I am. it stinks down here. she says it stinks. What a comment on New York's subway system already from the girl from L... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Anna_Broinowski_the_Only_Western_Filmmaker_to_Access_NORTH_KOREA_s_Film_Propaganda_Industry | Greetings, humans and cinephiles, and welcome to the last video store, a bastion of the world of film, cinema, and movies, where we have a mythical place amongst us, we're in it right now, where every single film ever made is on the shelf, and you can rent it to watch it and enjoy it.
My name is Alexi Tolleopoulos, ye... |
dropout | hardly_working_ooper_putz_rematch | So I blame Fat Ethan, and now everyone thinks he's the one that sneezed and farted at the same time.
Elementary school was the best time of my whole life. Oh man, you guys know a game I loved in elementary school?
Foursquare. Yeah, man. Seriously? Foursquare?
The only people who played that in my school were those l... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_robotic_police_dog_shot_oppenheimer_premiers_in_japan_snl | A number of sports bars around the country are promising to only show women's basketball games during March Madness. the bars are known collectively as the empty Ones. it was announced that Stumpy, a beloved Japanese Cherry Blossom tree in Washington, D.c. will be chopped down because of old age and because of its acti... |
SaturdayNightLive | drake_psa_snl | Have you ever dated the rapper Drake? Have you ever met Drake at a party, talked on Instagram, or even made flirty eye contact with him at a restaurant? has Drake then referenced you, your relationship, or the potential thereof in a song? If the answer is yes, you are not alone. there are thousands of us, and you may b... |
dropout | money_for_college_game_show_with_first_lady_michelle_obama | Hi, everybody. Welcome to the easiest game show in the world. We will give you free money for college. Our contestant today, Adrienne Miller, will compete for thousands of dollars in college grants and loans if she can answer these questions from FAFSA.gov. But hold on, these questions are incredibly easy. First questi... |
TheOnion | Supreme_Court_Rules_Anyone_Who_Had_Abortion_Under_Roe_Must_Be_Re_Impregnated | The Supreme Court has ruled that any American who had a legal abortion under Roe v. Wade must now be re-impregnated. The controversial 6-3 decision states that any U.S. citizen who legally terminated a pregnancy during the nearly 50-year-long Roe era must now report to a government agency or a Catholic hospital for re-... |
dropout | taking_that_s_what_she_said_way_too_far | I Don't know guys judging by those clouds. It looks like it's gonna rain Relax all right if we get caught in the rain will make pina coladas besides.
I love getting wet. That's what she said Good one Chris, but how did she say it and what well? I mean, I know they're saying that's what she said, but I always wondered ... |
TheOnion | Dead_Wife_And_Kids_Replaced_By_Miniature_Horses | And a little later, how to get out of debt by masturbating on a stage. But right now, the nightmare of losing one's entire family is almost unimaginable to most of us, yet our guest Don Groton was forced to face just such a tragedy eight months ago when his wife and two sons were killed by a drunk driver. Don, thank yo... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_21_tai_bam_bam_tuivasa | And just quickly before we get into things, we do need to mention the Diamantina podcast network. These are the people bringing this out to you if you're online. Yes, they make sure our show and our sister show, Hello Sport is sent out to the network for our podcast listeners to consume everywhere else. They also host ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_96_Alexander_Volkanovski | Great mate. How are we getting into today's show? We've got an announcement to make, don't we Clancy?
Yes, yes, we do Errol, we're very pleased to announce that the recording booth down here at Desert Rock FM, where we serve up some of our very best shit talk, will henceforth be known as the Budgie Smuggler booth, you... |
cracked | why_thanos_might_just_defeat_himself_in_avengers_3 | Thanos is the evil destroyer of universes in the Marvel... um... universe. You know, the guy we mainly see glimpses of at the end credits of the Avengers movies and a little bit during the film, sort of like L.V. in the video for Gangster's Paradise. Thanos is the big bad guy, and to be quite honest, the most insanely ... |
TheOnion | Disney_World_On_Lockdown_After_Mickey_Escapes_Enclosure_Rampages_Through_Park | Disney World is on lockdown today after a wild Mickey was able to escape its enclosure inside the amusement park. Hear what Disney workers are doing to keep park goers safe and recapture the rampaging beast.
And later, there's a new Rubik's Cube world record holder today. We'll sit down with the man who was somehow ab... |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_star_wars_and_everybody_should_go_to_jail | If you don't know the plot of Star Wars, this should help. That's pretty cool, and probably worth basing your entire personality and emotional stability around. But Hollywood's got some weird assumptions about masculine and feminine roles, and to be honest, maybe we all do. So let's swap Anakin and Padme's genders and ... |
dropout | what_sex_with_christopher_nolan_must_be_like | Wow, what a ride. That last hour was just so intense. I didn't even know it was happening. I was just like, I am loving this. I was not prepared for how loud that was gonna get.
They say size doesn't matter, but you definitely make 70 millimeters seem like the right size. Guess it didn't need to be that long. What tim... |
dropout | makeovers | Hello, everybody, and welcome to Tales from the Closet. It's January. This is a podcast and a vodcast. If you're listening to this in its audio form, know that there is also a video component where you could join us here in this very bright dungeon.
You would think it would be a lot darker, but it's not. It's almost t... |
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