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The millisecond I wake up it starts! Can't escape that morning depression it does not event give you a second!
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self.depression
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I want to be a girl so fucking badly [Warning: Rambling/Cussing] Background: 16 year old guy in high school, socially awkward, and being on the autism spectrum with OCD and Tourette's to boot doesn't help. I know that seems like a mouthful and it looks like one of those self-diagnosing Tumblr teens but I promise, this is legitimate.
I don't mean to take away from trans issues, I just really want to be a girl. They always seem to get the better treatment in life, mostly when it comes to court cases and sentences (just an example, recently an 18yo woman received no prison time for raping a man at knifepoint with video evidence.) That's not what what makes me upset the most, despite it being the most serious issue.
Warning, this may sound a little misogynistic but that is not my intent, I have nothing against women as a whole, there are a fair share of asshole men in my life. Continuing...
I've recently dreamed about becoming a Twitch streamer or Youtuber, and since my parents think it's a waste of time and I'll get addicted and fall behind on schoolwork blablabla (despite straight A-B report cards) I can't do that shit either way, but I see girls with a lot more viewers, and it kills me because just because they have a cute voice and/or a pair of tits and boom, so much easier to get viewers.
Also their mentality, at least in my school where I live in a rich preppy Jewish town in southern New York where half the girls are fucking hoes who post half naked Instagram pics every other day - their mentality, they shun anyone of the opposite sex, even those who just want to be friends, if they don't look good enough for them, apparently I'm a "pervert" to them. They change boyfriends more often than they change panties, but apparently I'm not even worthy of being a friend to them. I could comment something along the lines of "Aww cute" on a picture of their fucking dog and they still assume I'm flirting or perving or whatever, just because I'm a guy and lost the genetic lottery and look ugly or some shit. Not to mention their pictures get upwards of 1000 likes, 500 at the very least, within the first hour or some shit, most I've ever gotten is 24. I'm not that concerned about popularity and shit but when attention-hungry teenage girls are constantly on your feed and getting showered with dozens of compliments from fellow thots, it feels bad. And their actual treatment in school in real life, usually they just give me the silent treatment even if I approach them, even for important shit such as group projects.
And don't even get me started about actual relationships. For a man to have any chance at getting a good girl, they have to be outgoing, attractive, tall, have a big dick (in some cases), buff, and so many other qualities, what does a woman have to do? Not be fat. Now don't get me wrong, this may differ in other areas but that's the case where I live. Despite a sizable portion of the girls at my school being complete assholes and/or thots, there are some who are just really good people and really adorable as well, but I'm too much of a pussy to ever make a move, not for fear of rejection but because the girl who rejects me would think of me as weird or something and possibly tell all her friends, and I'd fall into the same trap... I do have a few (VERY few) platonic female friends and they are the greatest people ever, they really give me hope and happiness, but I fear that they may think I'm trying to perv on them or whatever. I'm currently in a long distance relationship with a girl who is sweet and caring, she's in fucking Japan however, a 14+ hour flight and that's not counting costs, parental approval and the language barrier. On top of that, someBODY somehow found out about it, and now guys at my school are making fun of me for it, calling me a weeaboo and shit, despite having nothing to do with my personal life.
Next topic: SJWs, you know those people on Tumblr are now popping up in real life, the ones who say shit like "men/cis/heterosexuals/whites/etc should die or whatever" and then claim I can't be discriminated against or to "accept it" because I'm a majority so apparently I have everything handed to me on a silver platter right? I can't avoid it even in real life, and it just makes me feel worse about myself as if I didn't feel bad enough already, and when I try to speak up against it I'm continuously shut down by these SJW freaks.
Transitioning is crazy expensive and is something that even if I had the money, I wouldn't be 100% sure nor would I want to take away from people suffering from dysphoria, and I would never be a "real" girl, like with a fully functioning uterus and reproductive system or be able to orgasm like a female does. So I've recently considered killing myself in the hopes that reincarnation is real and I'll be a girl in my next life.
I've felt suicidal tendencies in the past, I tried suffocating myself once in the past, and used to cut before my parents threatened to send me to a mental institution, which is funny because when I just resort to crying it out, she told me, in these exact words to "shut up" or else she would "fucking throttle me". I still consider cutting and blaming it on scratches from my cat, but one of my aforementioned female friends from outside of school suffers from depression and is recovering, and I promised her I wouldn't self harm, so I'm not going to do it, but sometimes I still feel like dropping to the floor and crying. I'm extremely afraid of what happens after death, something I didn't consider the time I tried suffocating myself, but sometimes I wonder whether or not that's a good thing since it makes me think before trying anything.
I'm sorry if this was all over the place. I needed to get it off my chest. I know the title was misleading because I started to ramble, it was more about how I can't get a girlfriend either. I didn't expect to be this long, so if you read this far, thank you, I really do appreciate it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My sister and brother make jokes out of my anxiety. I've overheard them call me disabled and mentally challenged because of it. They say it to my face how when I get anxious that I make little anxiety ticks and they laugh at me for doing them. I'll start tapping or avoiding eye contact and they just laugh at me telling me I shouldn't get anxious. It's humiliating and they do it because they like making me feel shamed for doing so. They know it works on me so they just never stop. No normal family would be this disrespectful but they get a kick out of it like it's a funny joke to make fun of someone who struggles with it. Fucking assholes have no moral compasses. It's a stupid family dynamic that my family has done for years and I just want out of here.
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self.Anxiety
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Nothing changes by saying or hoping it'll be alright [deleted]
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self.depression
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Everybody suddenly hates me when they find out I'm depressed. I think I just wanted a hug or something, but it always go wrong.
In general, I never tell people how I really feel. But then, in a moment my guard is low and I decide I want to trust someone, I try to vent about my sadness and suddenly they hate me. They hate 'my kind of people'. They hate that I am complaining when there are people worse than me. They get mad at me, they tell me to get better, but they never talk to me again. I'm suddenly not worth their friendship anymore, and they're disgusted by me.
I don't have any friends anymore, and I'm always lying to the people that still talk to me that I'm okay when I'm actually feeling miserable.
I tried seeking help, I spent years in therapy and trying different meds, different doctors, nothing ever helped. I'm a coward and I don't trust anyone anymore, I would never trust a doctor anymore. I feel so lonely and maybe I should make my parents hate me too so I could finally die. I've been depressed for practically my entire life by now, I don't really see another way out.
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self.depression
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I should have killed myself years ago and now I'm hanging on for some reason. Every day, I think "today's the day," but I haven't done it
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self.depression
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the thought of learning to drive makes me feel physically ill basically the title but i’m longwinded so here’s more details anyway.
i’m not worried about dying, not to be morbid but i’m way too depressed for that. no, i’m worried about getting in a car wreck and getting severe brain damage or getting paralyzed or worst of all, accidentally killing someone.
just to give you an idea of how ridiculous i’m being: had to drive around a parking lot with my mom a couple months ago and as soon as i got in the house i ran to my room and started ‘dry sobbing’ and i couldn’t eat bc of how nauseous i was. the real kicker is that i only drove for fucking 5 minutes. embarrassing..
anyone else have this thing? any tips? i can’t get out of it, my mom’s pissed that i don’t have my license already and i can’t risk making her angrier by fighting it, i’m even more scared of her tbh lmao. idk. i hate this.
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone here have experience with unpleasant Physical sensations (possibly linked to anxiety) I've been reading through the sub, but haven't seen anything that seems like what I am dealing with. Starting in June, my anxiety got really bad and I suffered from a long bout of insomnia (2-4 hours of sleep a night for about 3 months). Long story short I worked on and fixed (mostly) the insomnia, but along with it came these strange physical ailments. For a while, I would get this weird tension / pressure in my mouth / cheeks / gums, as if my jaw needed to close shut. That went away only to be replaced by a cracking sensation in my ears each and every time I swallow. That has developed into what is now a compulsive habit of cracking / popping my ears but flexing my jaw (I know it sounds crazy haha but thats how I know to describe it.) This stuff is not ruining my life, but it makes more more anxious just because it is ever present and I feel I have no control over it. Furthermore, the constant cracking of my ears is starting to make my ears ache a bit. Anyone deal with something similar? Is this an anxiety thing? (I think it is but I can't be certain)
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self.Anxiety
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İs cutting myself to the death would be so painfull if i cut my stomach too? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Ho fucking ho Family arguments, rude and ignorant Christmas shoppers, fake jolliness on TV, constant adverts to get you to spend more money on crap you don't want or need. I HATE CHRISTMAS. I just want to go the sleep and never wake up. Aaarrregggghhhhhhhh.
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self.depression
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I am triggered by everything that reminds me of my ex-boyfriend haha [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I sacrificed my friends for my job but then I got fired so now I have NOTHING [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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self sabotaged myself into depression and hopelessness Trying to keep this as short and to the point as possible.
I was in a relationship for nearly a decade, for the last 2-3 years I thought I was unhappy in the relationship and wanted out.
After the divorce that happened partly due to living circumstances but mostly because I seem to be self sabotaging as much as I can.
I was on the top of the world for months, didn't give my ex one thought.
Now I am going back and forth between jumping out a window and cleaning the house and solving world peace. I just can't stop thinking about her, and she has moved on. I am mad and I don't want to be the asshole ex boyfriend but all these thoughts and feelings really worry me.
I have never been diagnosed but once I found this subreddit I recognized myself more than I have ever done.
Just my two cents. I need to see a therapist again but that's expensive and apparently I am not currently sick enough to get state sponsored therapy which sucks.
Got a prescription for Oxazepam for anxiety so I have that but it isn't really a long term solution.
Edit
Should probably mention this is the second time I have done pretty much the same thing because I can't deal with commitment.
Edit2
Now I live with my parents in my childhood home and I know this is crippling me. But I just can't get out.
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else dry heave or Worse? how do you cope with it? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I hate being complimented Being complimented makes me very anxious. It's like people expect me to do well or better at something just because I did good once, and then I am perpetually afraid to let them down. I had a professor from university recently tell me I am an excellent student. I am afraid I will disappoint him because I do not think I did as well as I could/should have on the exam, and now I am thinking about what he will think of me once he sees I am not as good as he expected me to be.
Every time people compliment me I try to dismiss it, sadly it doesn't always work, or they'll still have a positive impression on me regardless.
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self.Anxiety
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Waking up and getting sick due to anxiety Hi! Long time lurker here. Lately, I've been staying at my boyfriends house (were very comfortable and I stay here often) but the past couple nights I've been waking up with that awful anxiety feeling in the pit of my stomach. It gets so bad I've been getting physically sick. It passes after several hours but nothing will make it pass faster. I've missed work and class because of it and I'm not sure what else to do. Has anyone else experienced this? How did you fix it, or at least ease it?
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self.Anxiety
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Today I was diagnosed formally with Major Depressive Disorder. What are things I need to know?
My psychiatrist prescribed me Celexa (don't have the bottle handy for dosage) and continued me on Adderall 25mg XR (for ADHD).
I was diagnosed with both ADHD and MDD within the last year. I know I have mental illness in the family but it was never talked about, so I don't have a lot of resources to go to. What should I know?
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self.depression
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Does anyone else feel insanely angry when they see injustice against others? Like I feel like I seethe with rage when I see others being mistreated Every time I watch the news about the political storm in America or anything I see in my twitter about police brutality or slavery in Libya, etc. I seethe with rage. I can't stand seeing so many people being tortured financially, mentally, physically. I hate it. I feel powerless and I feel angry. I feel like my depression grows with other people's pain. The more I see injustice, the more powerless and worthless I feel in the world.
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self.depression
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Religion and depression Does anybody feel like religion or being in a religious group helps or lessens the pain?
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self.depression
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I keep trying to get better but nothing fucking works
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self.SuicideWatch
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My dogs make a point to check on me when I’m depressed Whenever I’m depressed my dogs always “check on me”. My boxer will just barge into my room while I’m in bed zoning out and plop his face as close to mine as possible until I pet him or tell him to get out (I try to do the former first). The puppy usually follows and climbs up on my bed for hugs. They usually refuse to leave until they get their cuddles, and it always happens when I’m horrifically depressed. Pretty sure they’ve kept me from offing myself at least twice.
Dogs are too good for this world.
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self.bipolar
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Just dropped out of college due to anxiety... again. It really sucks.
I'm back at home doing nothing, getting up at ~1 everyday and not really leaving the house. I'd like to get a job, but really worried that my anxiety and low mood will get in the way, that I'll quit, and end up right back here.
I'm 22 now, and terrified about my future. Nothing I've tried since leaving school has worked out or stuck, and well, yeah. I'm just scared.
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self.Anxiety
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Am I as bad as a rapist? All my life I've been sickened by the thought of hurting others. Both of my parents were doctors and I've been studying to become one myself so I can (hopefully) work for Doctors Without Borders. But I've developed a troubling kink, I get off to watching rape porn. I don't know why, I've never wanted to hurt others and I've always regarded sexual offenders as being the worst members of society. And while I never would commit an act like this can I say the same about others? Am I just making things worse for everyone by spreading this around and possibly leading to others being hurt. I can't explain why I get off to rape, my best friend was molested as a kid and I know first hand how it affects someone. So how can I like this?
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self.offmychest
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Dropping by to suggest you consider taking vitamin D supplements. Of course, check with your doctor. Etc. etc.
Vitamin D is the sunshine pill that most people are deficient in. This is also much more of an issue in colder areas or for those who cover up from the sun often. The best way to get vitamin D is through certain food combinations and routines in sitting in delicate morning sunlight and in most cases, taking a supplement is necessary to keep this vitamin flowing in your body.
Vitamin D is best absorbed with calcium, so if you’re taking a supplement, finding foods, or sitting in the sun consider to add the calcium as well.
You will find that your mood will be better or more stable with vitamin D consumption.
Make sure to strive for a more regulated sleeping schedule as well and something to keep your mind stimulated without an electronic screen.
I may have butchered a lot of this vitamin D thing so please take the time to read this:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201307/vitamin-d-deficiency-and-depression
If you need anything, message me.
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self.bipolar
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I don’t think my friends care about me It just seems like the only reason people are friends are with me is because they pity me. That would explain why all my friends are popular and could befriend anyone they wanted while I’m the least popular, least well liked person in my grade. It feels horrible and condescending to know that someone is only friends with you because they feel bad for you
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self.depression
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My depression has steadily increased over the last 6 years and is starting to have major consequences on every part of my life I am currently 22, have been suffering from depression since I was about 16. Only a few people really noticed it developing, mostly teachers who had taught me multiple years in a row in high school who saw my behavior start changing over the years going from an A+ student my freshman year of high school to barely graduating, as well as completely changing the people I hung out with to more "disruptive" students.
When I graduated I moved to the other side of the country and left all of my family and friends behind. After about a year I was severely struggling and one day my mother happened to call me on a bad day and when I told her how bad off I really was over there she bought me a plane ticket back home.
After I got home I started developing alcohol and drug addictions. I was about 19 at this time. I felt so awful and hated myself so much that I was willing to try pretty much anything someone pushed my way and told me would make me stop feeling anything.
After not working for almost a year my mother kicked me out and my dad took me in. He told me I had 2 weeks to get a job or I was on the streets. I found a job and held it for quite awhile. Here I met a woman. She was a bit older than me but we started hanging out a lot and eventually ended up in a relationship and moved in together. We had 2 daughters and I thought my life would be alright. My depression had been improving and I thought I could finally be happy.
After awhile she started distancing herself from me and about 4 months ago it came out that she was cheating on me. She took our daughters and moved in with the other man who then had a restraining order placed against me so I couldnt see my daughters.
Since then I pretty much wake up every day and spend most of the day considering killing myself. I have relapsed into my alcohol addiction, my depression is worse than it has ever been, and I have had 3 jobs in the last 4 months the longest of which I was hired for about 3 weeks ago and currently still have, although honestly I am probably close to being fired at this point. I really just dont know what to do anymore. I go out of my way to help everyone I can from tiny little things to helping others turn their lives around but I cant seem to fix my own. I have pushed almost everyone I care about away and only a few are either way to stubborn to be pushed away or actually care about me and are still trying to help me. I honestly dont even know why I am posting this, it feels like I am bothering other people with my issues and I really hate doing that. I just dont know what to do anymore.
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self.depression
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Point of the goal of life is to love and love isn't right for me then what's the point of living?😿😿😿
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self.depression
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didn't know where else to put this!! I wrote this and felt like I wanted to share it somewhere, probably because I'm a little manic at the moment. Did anyone else have experiences like this? I haven't really ever talked to anyone else who is bipolar!!!
The sun was setting in the Guatemalan Western Highlands as I used some of my precious battery life to check how far I was on the map on my phone. Nearly three hours.
Traffic had slowed to a crawl, and I felt the tell-tale ticking of my anxiety rising in my stomach.
This wasn’t the plan, my brain told me. It was supposed to still be light when you got there.
Fear began to overwhelm me even though I had been in situations like this before. I had arrived only the night earlier in Guatemala City close to midnight. It’s days like this my recent diagnosis as being bipolar began to make sense.
I thought I heard the woman with her child talking on the phone on the bus saying something about “rubia,” and fright overwhelmed me. I have become so scared of my own brain. In everything I do, I question – what symptom of bipolarity is this?
While in Croatia last summer, I was relaxed, partying, and feeling like for once, I had come out of my shell; I had become the person I was supposed to be.
That bout of mania landed me in a Croatian psych ward. When I stopped punishing myself for the sexual assault I suffered when I was four and began to allow myself to be happy, or so I thought, I had a psychotic break.
I heard people talking about me.
First, it was about how great I was, how cool, how pretty, and it was flattering. I felt on top of the world. Then, I heard the other hallucinations.
They were not so flattering.
I spent a night in a hostel crying, while nearly 10 people in the same room tried to sleep. I felt terrible, but I couldn’t stop crying. I was hysterical.
My hallucinations had made me believe I had been raped, I had herpes, I was tainted and disgusting, and that I should probably kill myself because no one loved or cared about me.
That night, I spent in my head. I didn’t sleep, except for an hour, but then I was woken up by the hostel staff and asked to leave – my reservation was only for one night. I wandered around the city and I felt like everyone was talking about me. I wanted to cry or sleep or escape, but I just didn’t have the mental capacity to do any of it.
I muttered and wandered. I felt so foggy, like there was a weight on my mind. Why were people following me? Why couldn’t I see them?
The next two days are kind of blurs in my mind, but I know I managed to leave all my belongings behind, including my glasses and my ability to see, have a delusion that I could speak every language I had ever heard a word of, and start to become aggressive.
The next clear memory I have, I was waking up in a soft, warm bed. It was dirty all around me, and I felt so groggy and tired. I was in and out of sleep the whole day, waking up occasionally to eat a meal. There was a layer of grime and shame on me that a cold shower couldn’t get off. All I wanted to do was curl up in that bed and become an invalid. The delusions were still there, but weaker.
So, when this perfectly friendly, normal Guatemalan woman was simply having a conversation with her mother, and I thought I heard words that might pertain to me, it freaked me out.
I have a mantra I internalize when I am projecting my fears onto speech around me – no one cares about you, no one is talking about you.
It sounds pretty emo.
But, when I thought, just for two minutes, this Guatemalan woman was planning a way to rob me, it’s extremely comforting.
I went home after I ended up in the psych ward because clearly I needed to meet with psychiatrists and a whole host of doctors and a lovely therapist who would try to help me and have varying levels of success.
Throughout this process, my goal was to continue to travel by myself. I saw this as a hiccup. A pretty major hiccup, but one that’s able to be overcome with a can-do attitude!
It wasn’t about or feeling like I had failed, but an urging from deep in my motherfucking soul that told me if I stayed in the relative warmth and comfort of my parents’ house now, I would never leave.
That’s probably a symptom.
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self.bipolar
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Sleep and bad anxiety?? Hi, I posted this in r/panicattack earlier but haven't gotten an answer so I decided to come here.
I'm usually a person who never gets panic attacks, so I got really nervous when I had one this morning, which I woke up with. I've been having some anxiety lately, but nothing too serious.
But, since we adopted 2 kittens I've been really busy and so haven't exactly been eating the best. I've also had a shit sleeping schedule (can't fall asleep until 5am, waking up at 9:30 - 10:40) and so I just wanted to know if anyone knows if that could have caused it (obviously it probably contributes).
What are some good coping habits and calming techniques? I keep getting the nauseous throat closed feeling and anxiety coming back, and stomach problems. I also keep feeling kinda faint and it kinda scares me. Any help would be greatly appreciated. :O
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self.Anxiety
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You know what sucks? I know I post here way too often, I just need to get something out of my system.
You know what sucks? Opening up. You know what sucks even more? Opening up to the wrong person. And you know what sucks the most? When they backstab you over and over and you let them do it because you don't want to be rude or hurt their feelings so you let them continue over and over.
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self.depression
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I don't remember what it is like to not be afraid. I live in constant fear of making a mistake. I married an abuser, and every time he wants to flex his muscles, he uses the court to push himself into my life. I never know when it will hit, or for why. I can't stand up for my kids without retribution.
He lets his wife do the parenting, and wants to take more time than he already has, even though he has enough to be considered shared physical custody for child support purposes.
And the courts still see us as equals. He can spout anything he wants about me, and it doesn't matter, but I can't state my concerns without being labeled as hating him, and putting the kids in the middle. He has repeatedly broken court agreements, but I only have the kids' word to base it on, so there's nothing I can do.
The kids are too afraid to tell him they don't want more time with him, but I've told them if they don't tell him, I can't.
He doesn't even want them, or spend time with them. He only wants to hurt me because in his sick, twisted mind, it's all about him.
And all I can do is wonder if maybe I am crazy. Maybe it is me. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm the problem.
It makes me sick, the kind of person I have to be in order to defend myself or the kids. I want it to be over. If I didn't have responsibilities to my kids, if it was purely for myself, I would pray for death. I want out. I need it to be over, and I'm stuck connected to him for the rest of my life.
Therapy doesn't help, I've tried. Therapy can't change my circumstances. I have a reason to be afraid, and I'm sick of people acting like it's my fault because I'm unable to trick my brain to stop being afraid. The sword is there, above my head, and the thread is fraying. I want it to fall. I crave an end. Any end. It's been ten years. I can't do this any more.
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self.offmychest
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I dont really know what happiness is anymore... Sorry about grammar, on mobile.
Kinda just moving through life. With invisible strings dragging me through the motions. Ive lost the ability to feel love towards my relatives. The only person I think i genuinely care for is my sister. And even that I feel is getting weaker. The worst part is, in other aspects of life im doing great. Ive got a job that pays well and gives insurance as long as hour quotas are met. I can easily afford or save for the physical things i want in life. I donr know what to do though. I feel dead inside. Due to my parent's well intentioned mistreatment of me, I feel as if i never got the chance to figure out whst i wanted to do in my life, as well as whst kind of person i wanted to be. I simply just am. The only reason i got my job was under implied threat that i would be kicked out by my dad. Which is funny because they wouldnt let me leave by myself when i tried to. And now that i have it, i dont even have time to relax anymore. I get home at 6, then i get three hours till i have to go to sleep to wake up at 4:50. My parents say i should quit bsinf ungrateful. I dont really know where im going with this. Im just tired. So, so tired. If there is someone willing to talk i would be extremely grateful. If i dont respond quickly, its due to my job.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not normally one to complain or even voice my problems but I feel like I need to. This year has been one problem after another and I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going in life. I feel utterly alone and it sucks.
So first off my relationship of two years ended earlier this year. Everything seemed fine, we hardly fought, we lived with together in a nice apartment. We made time for each other but also gave each other time and space to be individuals. We were by no means perfect but we made the best of it.
Well we both had issues with depression, relationship issues, and personally I had issues with effectively communicating my feelings. I finally expressed that for some reason I didn't feel happy. It wasn't anything that she had done or anything just a nagging feeling. I just felt unhappy because I felt like she wasn't happy. I was right, she told me that day that she wasn't happy, hadn't been for months and that we should break up right then and there. It caught me off guard and started a rough break up.
She moved out within the week, I stayed in our apartment since it would cost us more to break the lease than to just wait out the couple months. The break up was a total game changer, it came out of left field and she never really gave a reason as to why she felt that way. After some talks she told me I was horrible to her, that I treated her poorly and that she was sick of me. The things she said to me hurt; some of the things she said shook me to the core of who I am and made me question everything.
I secluded myself in the now empty apartment. I only left to go to work. I hardly talked to anyone, I started drinking a lot, I contemplated suicide a lot. After a couple months of seclusion I got out a bit more, started traveling as much as I could. I went to a few states I'd never been to, done things I never would of before. I was never happy even while traveling though, the drinking continued.
The drinking got worse, the only time I was sober was going to work. I started to hate my job, I got accused of theft of time and was demoted with zero evidence of any actual wrong doing. I continued to drink more. I started to turn to other ways to feel something other than emptiness. I started talking to my best friend's younger sister. That was a mistake. I lost my best friend, she yelled at me; called me disgusting, gross, a lot of other things and you know, I deserved it.
That was it, I lost my only lifeline. I am not close with my family, all the people I consider friends are all married and about 10ish years older so I feel like a child and a burden to them. As well most of them don't talk to me often, I get that they have busy lives of their own but not even a "Hey how are you doing?" text.
So I was alone no family, no friends, nothing but work and alcohol. I started to hate myself and let the negativity get to me. I felt that I deserved everything that had happened. I tried hard to get over my now ex. I moved to a different part of town but everything reminded me of her. I couldn't get her out of my head and I could still see her when I closed my eyes. It killed me.
That's about it, Just I felt alone, terrible, the Career path I thought I wanted to go down just didn't feel right anymore. The things I used to enjoy just didn't feel right, the music I once loved just didn't sound good anymore.
A few more months go by and I slowly start to learn how to do things alone and how to be a person again. I started traveling more, as much as I could to get away from things. I quit drinking as much. I tried as hard as I could to see/talk to my friends because I needed them. I tried to learn things I never done before; I took vocal lessons, I started learning instruments, I looked into improv classes. Anything to pass the time. I also started trying to open up and figure out my feelings rather than just suppressing them or ignoring them. I started working on handling my stress and minor anger issues. I was able to open up a bit to others, a huge accomplishment for me was being able to play and beat Bloodborne and Darksouls. Those games used to frustrate me so much that I would just rage quit, nothing major just a few swears then turn it off to do something else in frustration.
I'm starting to try to date again, the pain is going away, I have accepted that she is not going to come back and that as long as she is happy then ultimately that't what I care about. But I can't seem to figure it out. I feel weird and out of place. I don't feel like I'm worth peoples time. I don't feel like I am worth anything. I don't feel smart, funny, interesting, anything. I don't feel like I know who I am or what I'm doing. The few girls I've talked to just kinda lose interest shortly after talking or the conversations seem one sided. I've been trying to remind myself that everyone has their own lives and don't need to talk to me 24/7. And that it might take a few weeks of short conversation to finally lead to an actual conversation or even a date.
But then I went and fucked it up. My best friend who quit talking to me a few months back came back out of no where. She was having a break down and needed someone to talk to. I talked with her and asked what was wrong. She told me that she wasn't happy with her boyfriend and didn't want to go home to him, that the thought of is was giving her anxiety. I told her she was welcome to come hang out with me and if she wanted she could stay the night I have enough room at my new apartment. She says yes and comes over. We hang out and there's a spark between us. Shes being very flirty but also coy. I should of shut it down right then and there but I'm a terrible person and I don't, I flirt back.
We cuddle on the couch and watch a movie, afterwards she says shes tired. I tell her she can sleep in my bed and I'll sleep on the couch, then I jokingly say "unless you want me to sleep with you". Well she says "That's fine" in the same flirty tone shes been using all night. We lay down and cuddle and talk most the night away. We finally fell asleep at some point but then wake up and just kinda stare at each other for awhile in silence. We start talking again, she talks to me about her relationship and how she's not happy but should be. I listen to her and as I do I realize how shitty of a person I am being, how much I missed her in our time apart, and how I have pretty deep feelings for her. I've kinda always known I've had them but that whole situation really put them into perspective. She told me that she has had feelings for me for as long as we've known each other. But we both agree that we are terrified that if we did date and things ended that we would lose each other for good.
I comforted her and told her that right now was not good for me since I am still trying to figure myself out and that it wasn't right for her since she was in a relationship. Maybe in the future when we both know what we want and we are single then maybe. I told her that I support her no matter what, if she goes home to her boyfriend, doesn't say anything about the night and just talks and tell him she's not happy so they can work on it, I would respect it and would be there for her if she needed anything. I told her that if she went home and broke up with him I would be there for her with whatever she needed. She thanked me, said she was going to work on things with him since he is a good guy and she has no reason not to be happy with him. We get up, she gets ready for the day, we hug, and that's it. I haven't seen her since. And it hurts. I lost my best friend again, I have these feelings that I feel bad about having, I feel bad about the night and should of been a better person.
Also while we hung out she mentioned to me that she talked to my ex after we broke up, just to see how she was doing. She told me she was with another guy, that she seemed happy, that it was pretty much as soon as we broke up. That was like a kick in the gut and I almost threw up from the anxiety it brought on.
Since that has all happened my mood has been worse, I feel worse than I have been lately, my depression is worse than it's been in awhile. My aggravation is back and I just don't feel as good as I did. And I'm back to square one.
What is wrong with me, like geez. I'm only in my early twenties and I feel so lost. Sorry for the rant just needed it get it off my chest.
|
self.offmychest
|
pyrrhic im tired. i fucked up. i let my friends see who i was inside and they got scared. they freaked out. i fucked up.
ive convinced them i'm getting better or atlease act like im improving this year but i cant. im done. ill have my relief soon
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to die but I can’t even do that right. Over the last few days the thoughts and the screaming inside my head have gotten worse. I don’t feel real. I’m not important I’m not useful I am nothing. There are no good qualities about me. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I exist. Today I was in a room full of people and it felt like I wasn’t even there, no-one noticed. No-one notices how much pain I’m in or understands how I really feel. I’m such a burden to everyone in my life and I’ve already lost two people I love because I’m too fucked up to ever be good enough. I’m falling further behind in my post grad because I have no motivation. What’s the point? It doesn’t matter if I do well because I could always do better. It’ll never be enough.
Today I practiced tying a noose. Then I put it on in front of the mirror and slowly tightened it. Until my face started to get hot and I felt it cut into my neck and black spots danced in front of me. It left a big red mark but I hope that fades. I don’t have anywhere to tie to hang yet. I’m still working on that part. But. I was calm (well until after). The whole time I was making it was the calmest and warmest inside I’ve felt in a long time. What the fuck.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
can some anxiety thoughts last forever? I've had a thought that has ruined my life for the last 6 months and the only time it isn't there is when I'm sleeping. What's the fucking point anymore, nothing helps
|
self.Anxiety
|
I need to confess something I’m suicidal. I won’t actually kill myself I know that much. I have several plans but none are perfect. But I just had to tell someone. Someone that understood. I’ve been hatching plans on how to do it for weeks now. Maybe if I found the perfect way I might. But probably not. I’ve been overwhelmed at work and depressed for weeks. I’m tired of not feeling anything. I’m tired of getting angry for no reason. I’m tired of feeling like nothing is going right. I know I should be in therapy now. But I can’t fit it into my schedule. So here I am. Suicidal. Again. Just let me die.
|
self.bipolar
|
My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m 29 and I have been feeling lonely lately, mainly because two years ago I moved for a new job over 600 miles away from my hometown. Hadn’t made any friends to hang out with and I got into debt. Not only that, but my loneliness led to me getting way overweight.
A few months ago I decided that was enough and began saving up to get out of debt. I will be officially on “the black” in two weeks but this implied many sacrifices (I.E. I haven’t gotten out at all for months).
On my job I work anywhere between 12-14 hours a day so it’s work / sleep and repeat for me. Don’t get me wrong I love my job.
Things were looking good after a bleak few months, then it all began to break down.
This week alone I gained back the few pounds I had lost, I was placed on a performance improvement plan (AKA career death sentence) because apparently working 12 hours a day is not enough. The girl I was seeing decided to call it quits and stopped talking to me and to top it off I had a few cash stolen from me.
No big deal right? That was what I was telling myself to keep it together.
I can go to the gym and shut my mouth and eventually I’ll get fit.....
I can work harder and keep my job....
I can try to talk to her and see what went wrong, maybe even fixit.......
I can always make more cash......
I was hanging in there, I really really was and then my mom called this morning. My dog just passed away and I was not there to say goodbye or bury her. The one being outside of my family that loved me no matter what, who was there trough 17 years of my life is now gone.
And now I’m overwhelmed. I feel sad, I feel like crying. I feel anger and I feel helpless. There’s no one to talk to around, I am alone and I just can’t deal with it. Other than when my grandfather passed away, I have never felt this much pain. My life is a mess and I don’t know what to do anymore I just can’t deal with it. Right now I have locked myself into my room and I just don’t know what to do.
|
self.depression
|
What are the negative side effects of anxiety meds? My counselor said that I should see a psychiatrist and to get meds for depression and anxiety.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Not sure if these are hallucinations? The past several nights, when I am laying down to go to sleep, as I start to get tired I hear whispers. It's like what being in the next room from a tv sounds like - muffled and unclear, but there are clearly a male and a female voice. It happens as I start to get more sleepy, but it startles me so I jerk up, then it's gone.
I have also seen my cats sitting on the table next to me out of my peripheral vision, but when I look over, they're not there. I hear phantom phone ringing. I am 6 weeks postpartum and hear my baby crying when he's not.
I'm sure sleep deprivation has something to do with this but I also have been getting MORE sleep recently than I was before this started.
|
self.bipolar
|
How common is it to feel like you don't even deserve to be okay. I received the cruelest Christmas "gift" ever this year. Someone I care for deeply, who I had taken the risk of opening up my vulnerabilities to, let me know that they had been deceiving me for a long time. That I just wasn't that important to them anymore.
I don't know how to feel when I say that I can't think of even the slightest negative thing to say about this person. All I can think is "Yea well I don't blame you. Probably deserve a medal for putting up with me for as long as you did."
I don't know where I'm going with this.
I hope everyone else hanging in there through this holiday season.
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self.depression
|
Finally admitting the past, today is day one of feeling feelings and I feel like my house is a combat zone My husband suggested I come to this site to try to find people who understand what I'm going through and might be able to offer some advice. He said he doesn't understand my PTSD but he wishes I could get help. So even if no one reads this I guess it will be helpful to me. This will be long.I think the first trauma to cause my PTSD was when I was 18 i was sent to the county jail for 30 days for "violating probation" by not completing community service. The whole experience was so insane and scary. Here I was some little girl from the suburbs in high school being sent to a jail and treated like an animal because I was caught with marijuana? It was insane. It set a course of events that changed my life forever. I was a senior in high school but couldn't finish after that experience. I cried every day and I couldn't figure out why I was there. I just didn't understand and i realized how corrupt and disgusting our judicial system was, it was not fair, I did not need to be there. I dropped out my senior year and felt worthless. I started seeking doing drugs to numb my pain and anger at the world. By 19 I was pregnant with my son. I was with a narcassistic man who beat me regularly and abused me constantly. It was an on and off relationship for about 7 years. I was pregnant with our 2nd child, my daughter, at 22. He left me 9 months pregnant and married some random girl. Then he went to prision for about 8 months and came out and wanted to be a "family" again. By then my son was 5 daughter was 2. We started doing meth pretty hard. The last time we were together he thought I was hiding drugs from him and he smashed a beer bottle over my head and left me for dead on the floor. I remember him putting a sheet over me. He took my kids that night, my car, my money out of my bank account. i just remember him leaving me for dead. I was so traumatized from that. I found out I was pregnant with what would have been our third child. I decided to have an abortion which is so out of my character but I didn't know what else to do. I never ever imagined making that kind of choice but i had to. I had no way to care for it and could not afford a third child. I had the abortion but now live with regret. I was scared to be alone so I would invite guys over just to have someone there. It was then I started drinking a lot. I thought I was happy but deep down I wasn't. I was sleeping around and felt worthless. I would pace in my house, I never felt complete. I knew I was out of control but I just kept drinking. When he left me that was the last time I did any hard drugs. I only drank and smoked weed. I had made some friends at work and wanted to be normal. One of the nights of hanging out with a friend from work we went downtown. It was then where something I am just coming to terms with happened. I have only ever written about it once before and i can't manage to say it out loud. We were at an apartment downtown and someone put something in my drink. I had one drink before we decided to hit up the clubs. One drink. I know someone put something in my drink. By the time we got in the taxi and got down to the bars they wouldn't let me in and my "Friends" left me outside. I was then picked up by someone and raped. I have no memory of it just the next morning. The worst part about it I had a voicemail on my phone the next morning from myself. I had called myself looking for my friend and boyfriends who was meeting me down there. I was asking him, "where is shawn, where is becca?" I could hear him giving the taxi person directions turn right here turn left here. When I woke up in his apartment the next day I ran. I just wanted to forget. Again my self-esteem was worse. My drinking got worse. I was 23 years old.That situation ended that relationship with that guy. I continued to drink and met someone new at work. He pointed out that I was an alcoholic because he was too but he was sober and had not drank for 5 years. He stayed with me though. Now I realize just to use me. I went to detox for the first time at age 24. I came out and was sober for about a month, then started drinking again. I tried detox again and then was sober for about a few weeks and then started drinking again. I worked from home and it was the perfect recipe for disaster. I then found a in patient rehab that was free from the state and I could bring my kids to. I went to detox and begged them to take me. They did but my mom didn't want my kids to go and she wanted to keep them. She always wanted to keep them. I stayed at the in patient rehab for about 90 days or so, I decided to leave because I just felt a detachment to the counselors and other patients. No one liked me. Big surprise no one likes me no matter where I go. That experience was strange indeed. I was happy sober there but there were too many rules and I wanted to go back to work. I had already lost my apartment while I was in there and was going back to my moms house. I felt like the biggest loser in the world.Through all this though I had never lost my job. I had been working at the same great company for 4 years at that time. Shortly after leaving the rehab I quickly started drinking again. I just felt like such a fuck up. Here I was single mom of two kids, living with her parents, in debt, didn't really like my job, and a loser. I thought no one would like or want me. I felt like such a moron and then my kids dad was not giving me any child support but had found a rich girl who he ended up marrying and having another baby with and her mom bought them a huge house and here I am with nothing. Life just wasn't fair. How did it all come to this. My aunt was right that one arrest ruined my life. All my cousins and family members were normal and had normal lives but here I was with nothing. I couldn't stop drinking. Back when my ex left and the rape happened. I was very skinny and I thought attractive. 115 lbs 5'3 I was proud of my body but after 2 years of hard drinking beer I had become morbidly obese. Maybe thats because deep down I didn't want anyone to steal me off the street again. Maybe because I didn't care if I became as ugly as I felt inside. In March of 2015 a few months after leaving rehab and relapasing again. I reached out on FB to a guy I always liked who'd I'd met years before at a party through some friends. I made him go out with me and then he somehow asked me out. I knew from the moment I met him I wanted to marry him. I had never felt this way about anyone I'd ever dated not even my kids dad. I knew he was the one. I knew I'd be safe with him, he'd never hit me and he'd never hurt me. We quickly became engaged after 6 months and then married a year and a few months after we first started dating on 07-11-16. Me and my kids moved in to his house and life was supposed to be perfect right? So here I am I have everything in the world I ever wanted. He doesn't judge me for my past. He doesn't know quite all of it but the majority of it. He is the most amazing person I've ever met but I continue to fuck up and drink. He doesn't really get alcoholisim or PTSD. He snapped this year because he said every year I go through the same thing where I stop working and take a leave of absence every fall...I am on another leave. I am supposed to go back to work in 2 weeks and i want to be sober. I am just scared. I'm scared for how much I've disappointed my job, my husband, my kids. My kids want me to stop drinking too. They are 10 and 7 now and understand. I told my husband I would stop. He went to work with my wallet and cards so I don't go to the store. I have to stop drinking this time. it has ruined so much in my life. This is day one but my house is like a prison. I am pacing and scared. I am scared to be sober after so long of this life. Why am I doing this to myself? I get overwhelmed and just can't take it. I dont want anyone around me. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to hear loud noises. I don't want to hear anything. I am a nervous wreck and I don't want to lose my husband. He doesn't get my drinking or PTSD and I still cannot tell him some things. I feel like my life has been a mess and a tragedy and trash. I don't want to throw a pity party and I know others have lived through much worse but I just thought I'd share my story and where I am at. So here I am sitting in my prison to scared to go to the store, to drive, anything. I am literally crawling out of my own skin thinking i'm going to have to feel my own feelings and face these situations.
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self.depression
|
This is my life story.My way out of Depression. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Had a disappointing first/probably only psychiatrist session So I was debating whether to post this but I thought I should.
I am 19 and have been depressed and anxious for about 5 years. Initially, the depression was the bigger of the two problems and after a failed suicide attempt saw a therapist that sort of put me off seeking mental health help
fast forward to 2019 my depression and anxiety have gotten worse and finally went to a gp. told me more or less my issues besides drug use and he gave me a couple antidepressants. after those didn't work he referred me to a psychiatrist for assessment and after waiting for a hellishly long march in which I had some very low moments (at one point I considered myself a worse person than hitler... yes i know how crazy that sound) i finally saw him
yesterday was the day. God, I have not been that nervous in a while. hell realised after I left I had sweat through my shirt pretty badly.
Anyway, after the session, a whopping 450 dollars thank god for government subsidies. I became increasingly annoyed when I realised how pointless all that was. that all it amounted to was maybe think about trying this drug if you want and here's a number for a psychologist and some websites which I already knew the names of.
one hour of questions I have answered and that is all I got. I was not expecting a cure. I know there isnt one and there isnt a quick fix, but after one of the hardest months of my life i wanted something of substance
I dont really know the point of this post besides saying that sometimes therapy doesnt do anything or medication. I know there are some others that have been through similar things and I want to say that im sorry, your feelings are falid, this all sucks
|
self.Anxiety
|
Are there worse jobs for anxiety disorders than retail or customer service? Especially during the rush of the holidays? And especially seasonal jobs? I feel like every morning before work is torture, and every moment after work is dreading the near-panic attack levels of anxiety I know I'll feel when the next shift rolls around. And this is coming from someone who can't hardly handle a part-time job answering emails; I'm not even on phones! If I were, I would be even more emotionally wrecked than I already am!
Even worse, it seems like I live in an area where the only jobs for college students use customer support as a means to bar just any person from getting to the REAL non-stressing, out-of-the-spotlight jobs. It sounds pathetic, but it's true; even outside of the holidays, just because I can't mentally handle a person ranting and raving at me about their gifts means no doors of opportunity will ever open up for me.
It's really making this Christmas one without joy or peace for me.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I should have been more willing to wait for sex... That was so fucking wrong of me.. I was taking your virginity. We should have waited longer to be official and even longer to have sex.. granted your trauma from previous relationships I should have been more fuvking mindful. And now I've made it even worse, I ate you out on a night when we were drinking and you had already said no beforehand.. I should habe fucking been considerate. I was such a dumbass and wasn't a good guy to you when I could have been amazing.... it fucking absolutely kills me. Now I've just added to your trauma and you'll be more scared to have sex with the next guy... I don't even know if you'll remember how safe and comfortable you felt with me anymore. I just.. it wouldn't have been hard to wait longer for sex... I rushed dating and rushed everything, we even discussed how we were rushing but thought it was okay.. I feel awful, Reddit, I don't even want to live anymore...
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self.offmychest
|
Idea creating blog about people life with bipolar disorder [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
24 failing school, no where near graduating, dont wanna go to class or work, dont wanna do anything, feel miserable 24/7, just wanna disappear, no close friends/bf, wish i were dead, everyone telling me to get it together but i cant. fuck my life in the ass.
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self.depression
|
i've been trying to figure out the root of my depression and lack of motivation and i can't find a reason, so why do i feel like this? ^ ^ ^ ^
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self.depression
|
Having a bad dip in my depression and it’s affecting my relationship I have mdd and maybe sad(becoming more and more likely as I’ve seen patterns in my depression)and gad. Theres not a day i don’t deal with depression in one way or another. But during the fall winter i tend to get into a deeper depression and rn its really affecting my relationship. I am more annoyed with him than not. I love him but I’m so irritated with him. Things i used to not care or like about him are bothering me. Everything he does seems to annoy me. And sometimes i look back and im like it wasn’t really about him but i took it out on him. I feel so bad for being this way. I just hope i can get out of this soon. I hate myself a whole lot right now. I know he wont break up with me because of this and ive been trying to tell him it isnt him im just in a bad place but a person can only take so much.
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self.depression
|
i am not manic so i just moved to a new town, found a doctor. first appt was okay, he wanted to kind of see a baseline but said i seemed a little bit hypo. whatever. med adjustment to help tone down paranoia that was getting really bad.
went again yesterday. i've been making a conscious effort to be a better me in the meanwhile. i've made a self-care schedule. i've been moisturizing, washing my hair every other day, i set out chores for myself and usually do them. i'm bulletjournaling and tracking money i'm spending for christmas.
>why are you spending so much
because it's christmas. that's part of the spread, it's showing how much i'm spending, who it's going to, how much i saved buying things on special or with coupons. i'm trying. focus is still a big issue for me. i was diagnosed with comorbid ADD and he won't listen to me.
>have you tried using post it notes
>well i think you're presenting manic
no, this is not manic. i've lived manic, i'm okay. i just have a hard time focusing, i'm prone to rambling.
and he goes and gets a psych intern (who i love, she's a saint). and i can hear him outside the door "so her paranoia is mostly resolved, but she's manic right now so see if you can figure that."
**i am not manic you fuck** i'm okay. i'm doing better. and it's just stuck in my head because everyone in the asylum says they aren't crazy. maybe i am. but i'm pretty sure i'm not. i'd bet my life i'm not. i'm not manic. i guess that's just who i am?? i talk fast, i'm antsy by default, i like to shop on amazon and i'm not overdoing it. i'm okay.
needless to say i'm looking for another doctor.
one of my girlfriends says she does online teledoc stuff and has an excellent physician. i don't know how to even go about that. idk. i'm so tired and frustrated. i just want medication to help me focus. i don't want to use bronkaid to get down to business.
i'm working really hard to get better. stop telling me that i'm not.
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self.bipolar
|
Vocational Rehab experiences? I haven’t worked in almost a year and I’ve had horrible work experiences in the past (mostly my fault, but it is what it is - I was undiagnosed and untreated for years). My new therapist suggested I try voc rehab to help me get out of the house and hopefully back into the work force. Apparently, if it doesn’t work out they can help me apply for disability and the organization she referred me to has a record of helping people get approved on the first try.
I get extremely anxious and borderline terrified just thinking about applying to jobs again, so the idea of trying this does unsettle me. I do feel kind of optimistic, though, because it’s at least something to try. Does anyone have any experiences with vocational rehab? Pros? Cons? Suggestions? Anything would be helpful! I’m really hoping this could lead to something positive because I need a win so badly right now.
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self.bipolar
|
So sick and tired of everything, jesus fucking christ I don't even know where to start. I know that's a common phrase that people use when they need to get into a big wall of information and don't know where to start, but I literally mean *I don't fucking know where to start.*
I'm so depressed. I have anxiety, and apparently, I've been showing symptoms of fucking ADHD. I literally want to die every single day but 1. don't have the courage to do it and 2. don't want anyone to deal with the repercussions of my actions. It's getting so hard to keep living, pretending that I'm fine or nothing's wrong. I can't keep up the smiles and the laughter. I can feel my cheeks deny a smile when someone tells a joke. It gets to the point where it's physically painful to smile and pretend like everything is a-fucking-okay. I don't know where to go from here. There's literally one thing that's keeping me up, but it's holding me by a little string (and I'm not the smallest of people). I'm working so hard for this one thing, but it's getting harder and harder to do it when I'm just not... working. I feel useless, like a barbie doll with ungodly marker make-up and chopped off hair.
My parents don't think any of the things I deal with are real. They think any kind of 'mental illness' should be pushed aside, left in the dust. My friends don't have a fucking clue about what goes on in my head. I put on such a dumb, stupid front because I don't want others to see what actually goes on in my head. I come off as blur, clumsy, and dumb but I swear to each and every single one of you: what comes out of my mouth isn't even touching the contents stewing in my head.
My friends are beautiful. They are stunningly gorgeous. I'm not ugly either, that I know. I'm just different. Too tall, too big, too dark, too light. Not good enough, not pretty enough, "not my type". I know I'm not ugly. I know. I'm just scrutinised in a country where perfection is conforming to a certain look. Tiny + skinny + fair + petite = beautiful where I'm from, I suppose. I've tried so hard to fit in, but how could I even try to look like them when the only way it could happen is cosmetic fucking surgery and some goddamn skin bleach? I'm sick of people being my friend when they have nothing better, saying that they care about me so much, or they wouldn't know what to do without me, and when they find 'better', 'prettier' friends, I become the "oh, oh yeah" afterthought. I care for my friends so fucking much, but I genuinely think they don't love me as much as I love and care for them and I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to cut them out - I'd be alone forever. Do I deal with the pain? Do I just push through?
It's so easy for them to make friends when they're the typical standard of pretty. Whatever comes out of their mouth is always gold, but I could say the exact same thing and someone would put me down for it, or push me to the side. I went out for dinner with friends once, and we played a game where we would ask questions, slowest person to answer would drink. Someone asked, "Who's the ugliest in-" and someone immediately said my name. I smiled, I played along. Ha-ha, fuck you, ha-ha-ha, yes. Fuck, I'm so sick and tired of dealing with passive-aggressive racism.
I just don't know where to go from here. I can't go for any kind of therapy, because my parents are not the only ones who have the 'it's not real' line of thinking. It's expensive, too. They want me to live the dream they have for me; not the dream I have for myself. I'm so depressed. I genuinely feel like puking my guts out every time I think of what my life is going to be like if I don't take charge, but how? I feel like nothing I do leads to anything. Everything I do isn't good enough, everything I do isn't up to what people want to see. I can never do anything right, never accomplish anything I want to. I'm so sick of living and I'm so sick of trying to conform to what people want to see, only to get a glimpse of acceptance.
Sorry. If you've read this all the way, then thank you. Really. I just needed to get this off my chest. I'd appreciate advice if you have it but if not, please have a nice day (and I really do mean that).
I'm not going to kill myself, if anyone is concerned about that. If I was a little braver, maybe. But I just.. seeing the repercussions from the suicide of the member of that Korean group, I wouldn't even wish those kind of emotions on my worst enemy.
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self.offmychest
|
Dating someone with depression - What books can I read specifically for SO's? I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months now. She's in her mid 30's and on our first date she mentioned that she suffers from depression.
I haven't experienced it directly yet. Every time we hang out she is in great spirits and seems happy/having a great time.
That being said, we are very communicative and we've discussed the topic a few times. She said that 60% of the time she wakes up sad. She said that she thinks about what it would be like to not be around anymore at least once a week (has never attempted). She says she doesn't believe that she deserves any of the good things happening to her in her life. She very much prefers to be alone. After she drinks heavily, the depression is 100x worse. Recently she's decided drinking is not something she needs to do anymore so we've agreed to not involve that in our activities.
I want to understand a few things:
1. How can I be supportive. I'm not an expert on the subject and I don't want to say/do things that I think may be helpful and end up they aren't.
2. This is the most important to me from my perspective and personally, but what sort of behaviors should I attribute to depression when towards me? For example, in my past relationships, I may see a certain behavior as something I did wrong, but here it could just be attributed to possible depression. I don't want to misinterpret things.
3. What books specifically related to an SO working with someone who has depression should I read?
I really enjoy this person and while it's very early on, I see a lot of potential from her and things I can learn from her. I'd love to see us go on for a while and want to do the work needed from my side to make that as much of a possibility as I can.
Please feel free to ask followup/clarifying questions and I'll do my best to answer.
Thanks in advance everyone.
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self.depression
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Why am I such a loser :( I literally never do anything right. Someone was trying to ask me on a date tonight who I've liked for a very long time. I misspelled "duct tape" and instead said duck and they instantly got turned off the idea. I always put people off and never say the right thing I'm such a fucking loser who is going to die alone :(
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self.depression
|
I have accepted my depression a debilitating disease that doesn’t come with a wheelchair and social empathy Depression...I ignored it... accepted it..talked about it...cried about it...laughed about it.. gave up got back up attempted treating it took antidepressants stopped antidepressants
I have accepted it
I have embraced it
It is now a part of my identity
I’ve lost myself to it
My family to it
My friends tagged along too...
Wait.. Were they my friends even?... nvm
It is now my only company
Keeps me isolated
Keeps me down
I wake up everyday with two facts in mind: 1. Everything around me is a changing variable
2. My Depression is constant.. a debilitating disease that doesn’t come with a wheelchair and social empathy
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self.depression
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Begging for Love Never Works I’m crying as I write this.
My life has been very hard. From the beginning I have been starved for love and affection. It’s been a lifelong affliction and it started a long time ago. Bear with me, it’s a long story.
My father was a private person who didn’t express affection openly. His own father had been a stern old man who thought love and affection were wastes of time. My mother was born a timid person, always following her two older sisters around. They always laughed and her and sent her away, so she stayed at home and cling to her parents. In 1944 she and her family were deported to Auschwitz. Her parents were gassed the day they arrived. My mother was 13 then but big for her age so she was sent to the labor camp.
My mother emerged from the war very badly emotionally scarred. She was 14 at liberation but with her parents dead and home destroyed, she was shuttled from one surviving relative to another, each of whom were dealing with their own losses. My mother wasn’t wanted by these people. In 1950, at age 19, she finally moved into her own place.
My mother didn’t really have a home until 1960 when she married my father and they set up house in the Bronx. It was a struggle - both of them had lost many family members in the Holocaust and both had experienced the trauma of being forced to live with people who didn’t want them. They both had hyperdeveloped fears of rejection and resentment and this caused them to have problems in their marriage. Neither of them felt loved by the other and neither of them had enough love to give because of what happened to them. My mother’s doctor advised her not to have children, because she was too emotionally fragile. Unfortunately she didn’t take that advice and my brother and I were born, he in 1962 and I in 1965. Another child was lost to a miscarriage.
I was an ill child. Because our apartment in the Bronx had been built before the war, it was damp and drafty. When I was 16 months old I contracted asthma. Pediatric asthma was not well understood in the mid 1960s. The only treatment was to identify the triggering allergens (in my case, mold, dust and cigarette smoke) and administer weekly injections to raise my resistance to these allergens. So my mother was compelled to take me, a very small child, to the doctor for shots every week. The visits were expensive and caused a strain on the family budget. My mother was unhappy with the situation and without the ability to cope, as she had no inner strength to draw upon, began to blame me for my illness. I know today she didn’t mean to do it - but she had no other emotional strength to draw upon. But this was the start of my journey into the pits of low self esteem and self hatred.
As the ‘60s became the ‘70s, we left the Bronx and my parents bought a small house in Queens. While my brother and I did have a nice childhood, our house was like a prison. My parents didn’t drive which was just as well, since my father didn’t earn enough to have afforded a car anyway. With money tight, we never took vacations anywhere as a family, not even day trips to the beach. My father was very content to stay home every weekend and do paperwork that he brought home with him. My mother, who was in her 40s by this time, didn’t like this, as she had begun to make friends in the neighborhood and saw the other women being driven around by their husbands and going places like Florida or the Catskills. This made her envious and caused more difficulties in her marriage. I didn’t make things any easier - the winters in NYC in the early ‘70s were quite harsh and I was always sick with bronchitis. When I was in the third grade, from 1973-74, I missed 1/3 of the school year with asthma related illnesses. Between her difficult marriage and my constant illnesses, my mother became more resentful to me and less loving. I was a chore to her, without a doubt.
When I was 13, in 1978, I developed severe cystic acne. Cystic acne is the worst kind you can get - the acne pustules form under the skin and can make your face misshapen. They also leave very deep scars. My mother took me from one dermatologist to another but no one could help me. They couldn’t understand why I had developed such severe acne without any family history of the disorder at all. (It wasn’t until very recently that I found out what caused the cystic acne - the same injections that had helped me with my asthma had triggered an autoimmune disorder that caused the acne. This knowledge wasn’t available in the ‘70s). Kids being what they are, I was teased mercilessly about my appearance and cried at home in my pain. My mother had no coping mechanism that she could share with me, so she just told me to keep quiet because she couldn’t help me. Again, my cry for love and support went unheeded and unfulfilled.
In 1981 my father died in his sleep. He left very little life insurance. I was 16. For my mother, this was the last straw. All of the pain she had been carrying for the prior 35 years came to a head. She dropped any pretense of parenthood and made it very clear to my brother and I that we were going to have to pull our own weight and contribute to the family. That meant getting summer and winter jobs. My mother threw me out of the house in the summer of 1981, when I was between 11th and 12th grades, and told me to stop freeloading and get a summer job. That I was 16 without working papers and legally unemployable was lost on her. Through a friend, I managed to get a job on a loading dock in Long Island City. I had to lie about my age to get the job. I earned the princely sum of $4 per hour.
Nights at home in the 1980s were hell. My mother yelled at my brother and I every night. She blamed us for putting the burden on her to find a job and support the house while we were “having fun” in school. She made it very clear that she felt we were freeloading. I should add that my brother and I were not allowed to grieve for our father for a second. My mother’s relatives all sided with her, telling my brother and I that we needed to take care of our mother.
I started college in 1982 a physical and emotional wreck. My face was a collage of pockmarks, scars and remaining cysts (the acne didn’t clear up until I was about 23 - it still flares up today on occasion). I wasn’t handsome before the acne - I had inherited my father’s thick lips and big nose, and my uncle’s protruding ears - but the cysts made it worse. And the worst part was that I had developed into a hopeless romantic. I dreamed of finding True Love, the kind you read about and see in the movies. The kind of love that could rescue me from the horrors of my barren life and let me live.
Unfortunately again, this didn’t happen. I tried pursuing some girls I met in college but they all rejected me. I was kind and nice but between my face, my poverty and my lack of “cool”, I was a nobody. My loneliness pounded on my mind every minute of every day. My loneliness and frustration at school began to affect my grades and in 1983 I was put on academic probation. You can imagine how my mother reacted to this.
In 1984, my mind finally collapsed. I began to suffer from debilitating panic attacks. I ended up in therapists’ offices after school. I was put on medication. My self-esteem sank to all-time lows. I couldn’t attract any girls at school and my face and my poverty and now my mental illness pounded at my psyche every day. I was in bad shape indeed.
In 1985 I met a girl at school whom I liked. I asked her out to a movie and she accepted! I was 20. It was the first date I’d ever had. We had a good time at the movie and saw a lot of each other that semester. I finally felt like I belonged to someone. I bought her little gifts and there were more dates to the movies and Broadway shows. It was nice. One night we were talking in her car and I told her I was crazy about her. She said “I’m kind of crazy about you too.”
But the semester ended and one day she told me we “needed to talk”. She told me that she didn’t feel about me the way I felt about her and that it wasn’t fair to me for us to continue seeing each other. When I reminded her of the “crazy about you” statement she had made, she told me that she had meant it as a friend and that in fact she had always regarded me as a friend.
I was destroyed. There was no other word for it. Here I had finally felt like I had some worth, only to find out I had been fooling myself the whole time. I died inside that day - never again was I the hopeless romantic I had once been. I was embarrassed to look myself in the mirror. How could I ever have thought that someone could love me?
Fast forward now to the ‘90s. I had graduated from college and law school and was working as a lawyer. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to make Law Review (it was a miracle I could pass the bar exam) so I didn’t get a high paying job. Not at all. I was 25 in 1990 and started to earnestly look for a wife. My acne had cleared up for the most part but the pockmarks and scarring were severe. I was advised to have plastic surgery or dermabrasion. I couldn’t afford either treatment so I went out as is. As you might expect, my face didn’t make me very attractive and my poor self-esteem and lack of cool apparently kept young women away in droves. In 1991, when I was 26, I began to experience severe depression in the form of depersonalization. If you don’t know what that is, I’m glad for you. It’s a very frightening psychological disorder where you begin to feel like your life isn’t real, that you don’t exist, and that everything you see and hear are from some distant outside world. Like watching it on television. I went on stronger medication. Eventually I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and put on Zoloft. I take it to this day.
When I was 27, after a particularly painful date that ended it embarrassing rejection, I got angry. I went home, called a prostitute and had sex with her. I’m not proud of it now, nor was I then. I just had to do it. I was sick and tired of hating myself and was willing to pay someone to touch me. It was ultimately an empty experience and quickly forgotten.
When I was 29, my search for a spouse turned desperate. My loneliness and self-hatred had reached a point where even my dreams saw me getting rejected. I told myself that I would marry the first girl who wanted me. Whether I loved her or not.
In 1994 I met Terry (not her real name). We were set up on a blind date. She was 24 and reasonably cute, but she was difficult and had a bad temper. Still, she was willing to go out with me and like a man dying of thirst who came upon a dribble of water, I pursued her. I wined her and dined her and sent her flowers. She continued to see me although I had a nagging feeling she didn’t really like me. But I didn’t care - I was determined to get married and have a woman. Yes, I was still that naive.
We got engaged in December of 1994 and married in 1995. Within a few months of our marriage I began to learn the details of why she married me. Terry had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1993 and was under a psychiatrist’s care. She didn’t tell me this while we were dating and kept it a closely guarded secret. She had seriously dated a doctor before she was diagnosed but he broke up with her because she was unstable. She then went on medication. When we started going out, she didn’t really like me (just like everyone else) but her mother pushed her into the relationship, for fear that given her illness she’d never marry. I was the gullible sucker who’d marry her and take her off her parents’ hands.
Her two sisters had married well, one to a doctor and another to a successful attorney. She resented having to marry someone she considered second-rate but her mother convinced her to stay married because a divorce would pretty much mean the end of her ability to find someone to marry,
I had known none of this prior to our wedding. I felt angry and betrayed but as I really did like Terry, I was determined to stay in the marriage. But she was never warm to me. I don’t think she ever loved me. I think she resents me for whom I’m not.
And here we are in 2017. We’re married 22 years and have four children. We live in Long Island and I’m making good money now as a lawyer. I’ll be 53 in February. My scars are still there but the pockmarks have been filled in by the added pounds I’ve put on since entering middle age. But one thing has stayed the same - Terry has never really loved me. She’s never even liked me. She goes through the motions because she has to. Many has been the day where I try to coax some feeling of love from her. All I get is harsh words and a slammed door, which I got earlier tonight.
And tonight I realized that despite the passage of many years, I’m no better off today in my search for love than I was 45 years ago, when I was the ill little boy whose mother blamed him for being ill.
The greatest regret I’ve had in my life is not finding true love. And the greatest pain is that despite everything I’ve been through, I still hope against hope that one day I will find love. Every time a woman is friendly to me, my heart leaps - could this be the one? I’ve often mistaken friendliness for affection, a misjudgment that has tortured me all my life.
That’s why I am not averse to the thought of death. Maybe my demise will finally release me from the prison that True Love has locked me into all my life. If I am destined never to be loved, and believe me I’ve tried to find it, I would welcome death’s release.
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self.depression
|
I lost my dream job two years ago. Can't get over it. When I was growing up, my parents would tell everyone that I'd be a star. That I'd be this star athlete, or math wiz, or something. Anything, really. Truth is, my greatest accomplishment was learning to read faster than other kids in kindergarten. But soon my parents believed I'd be able to take on the world. But I haven't.
I'm not gonna lie. My parents are great people. They are kind, loving, respectful, humble and fun. They love each other, and they love me. I'm an only child so they've given me everything I ever hoped for. They took me to Disney World all the time and bought me whatever video games they could afford when I was a kid, and pretty much supported me through everything. Sure, everyone's got their flaws (and they're no exception), but they've been fantastic parents overall.
Yet I've never been happy. Not once. For as long as I can remember, I've felt hollow. And the more my realized I wasn't going reach my full potential, the more disappointed I felt my parents were, and the more miserable I became.
Last year, I lost my dream job. Towards the end end of 2015, I was working as a reporter at a newspaper in FL. I'd always dreamt of being able to write for a living, and I know journalism is my one true vocation. In December, my work permit expired and couldn't be renewed. I tried to find other ways to stay in the US, but it was pointless. I had to go home.
I was devastated. My girlfriend didn't want to do long distance, so she left me. I spent all of 2016 and most of 2017 in bed, thinking about what went wrong, thinking about what I could have done differently even though I know there was nothing I could do. Still, it haunts me. I'm so ashamed, I can't even look my parents in the eye. I've never felt like a bigger failure.
I got a new job earlier this year, and quit after little over a month. I started a new job last Friday, and already I'm thinking I'm gonna fuck it up and be a fucking loser for the rest of my life, mooching off my parents, disappointing everyone around me. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a little while. He gave me paroxetine, but I can't really tell if it's working out or not.
Things are at an all time low for me. I'm not doing the work I want to be doing. I'm not working on the projects I said I'd be working on. I haven't delivered on any promises I made myself or my parents. I'm a total fucking failure, and it's just a matter of time before everyone else notices.
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self.depression
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To that random guy on Overwatch. So it's like midnight our team lost and you call me and my friend trash. I get it, it's late your tired and grumpy and us not winning pissed you off.
My friend challenges you to a 1v1
You accept.
What happened the next 30 minutes was the most cringey bullshit I have ever watched. As my friend out played you stilled kept talking. Then randomly you remembered you beat us a game ago and that is what you latched on too.
Like...why?
Why did it matter to you?
Why did this even happen?
Why did I just watch this?
Your girlfriend was sitting right next to you. Why weren't you guys hanging out? Maybe watch a movie or play a game you can both play? It's a goddamn Saturday night and you're both young. Have sex or something Jesus Christ.
Like why did she watch you and my friend measure dicks on a game? Why am I so pissed off about this?
Also I recorded it.
It's not really watchable since I just sort of floated around and broswed reddit through the whole thing.
But it's there.
Anyway. I honestly hope you are doing alright.
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self.offmychest
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I can’t even enjoy anything anymore because I’m always thinking about money every single minute. I'm always thinking about needing to work for the sake of living.
Living for the sake of being alive.
Living because other people don't want me to die but also consequently ignore or forget me otherwise when things simmer down.
I can't enjoy anything because everything has lost all flavor and meaning to me.
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self.depression
|
if they had told me how hard life would be i would have never left the womb
Seriously screw this world. Kids abused. People lonely, homeless and in pain.
me personally i toil away at a job that takes over 55 hours of my life a week. i was in a store today saw young twenty somethings with their significant other. saw thirty somethings married with their spouse. i have no other physical person and go home to my empty apartment. haven't dated in years.
i know in the grand scheme of things my life experience is my own. only i see thru my eyes but i am pained by lonliness. it seems everyday i move further and further from the ever having anyone. that pains me. I'm mostly a worthless bag of crap not handy not brave. but i feel i have some value. just wanted to share.
another weekend alone. dating scares me my teeth are all kind of messed up from years of neglect. can't really afford dentist. can happen living with eotw roommate who churched sometimes. that was years ago. i go to work because it is expected of me. sometimes rather drive off bridge. not confident male. sports inclined males and extroverts have dating covered why be here? sometimes much emotional pain
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self.depression
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Anyone else freaking out seeing sunday night slowly come to an end? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Permanent solution temporary problem blah blah blah fuck you I’m tired of panicking every. fucking. day. I’m tired of being in pain every night. I’m tired of pretending I’m recovered. I never was. I’m tired of existing in this body and going through the motions of being normal. I’m tired of useless platitudes. It doesn’t get better. No I can’t just up and quit my job. Stop waxing poetic at me. How temporary is over a fucking decade of wishing to have never been born? I sound like a whiny emo piece of shit. I’ve set a date. I literally can’t afford to mess it up. I’m just so fucking tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Tired I have become really tired of living this life, I don't know what's wrong I'm so sad I have no clue how to fix it I've been having some self destructive thought lately I need someone to vent or some advice either or
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self.depression
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Overdosed on NyQuil? Please respond I bought a 8 oz bottle of NyQuil and drunk maybe 1/4 of the bottle(down to the top off the rapper) 7 hours ago. I was drowsy for a bit and now it's just minor head pain(nothing major or severe) and I can't sleep at all. I looked it up and people are saying they've drunken far more frequently and slept it off. But I can't sleep so my mind is just racing and I'm starting to get paranoid. I don't really have any other symptoms. No pain or anything. I've overdosed on medication before and this feels about the same as those times. One of the reasons I didn't go to the hospital this time is that every time I've told the hosoptial "hey I've overdosed on x could you check my vitals and stuff" they immediately put me on inpatient care list or attempt to 302 me and by the time I get admitted my body has worked through w.e I ingested.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is there a reason to not commit suicide? I'm depressed and bipolar. Life is about to take a really big shit on me. I've been staying afloat on borrowed time. In my current state, I really don't see how I can come out this anywhere near "OK" if you would.
I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was a freshman in high school. I have even acted on these thoughts twice. The first time just a rope broke, second time I was rescued and brought to a mental institution where I was diagnosed. There's a very keen reason for why I have these thoughts, or so I think at least.
Which brings me to my point. Even if I somehow manage to escape the upcoming situation, I don't think I'll be happy still. There's still a pretty big something that bothers me and I can't do anything about it but feel bad about it. I honestly think I'm better off just pulling the plug on myself now.
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self.depression
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I had a good day but I went to university this morning, had late lunch with some great friends, then went to see a musical for the first time in my life (KinkyBoots, it was very good). I got home. I watched Netflix, gamed a little, called my mum, done some online shopping, got a new jeans & a pair of new shoes. Now it is 3 am here & I feel lonely. I had a good day, but the good never lasts for long. I feel so alone.
I deal with anxiety during the day, depression at night. I'm a mess. I'm a little tired.
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self.depression
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I am a embarrassment to my family and don't deserve them. I live very happy getting most things that I want. I am currently attending a community college and have already dropped one class and failing another. I have temper tantrum at video games and get mad at the smallest things that annoy me. Not much is excepted of me expect get A's and B's and instead of studying and making my family proud I just embarrasses them and sit around playing video games and yelling at my monitor. I don't deserve them. Im just a sad little shit.
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self.offmychest
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Any experiences with the ketogenic diet for anxiety? My mom is doing the ketogenic diet right now and won't stop talking about how great and energetic it's made her feel. She also says she's heard it can be helpful for people with anxiety and she really wants me to try it. Does this have any merit? I'm usually skeptical about miracle diets so I'm on the fence about it.
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self.Anxiety
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Longest manic episode? What's the longest episode of mania or hypomania you fellow bipolar reditors have experienced? the reason why I ask is because I'm currently riding an approximate 35 day streak of consistent good days in a row- which is a little bit scary because of the possible back lash it may cause. or perhaps my good days will never end, and this is just what my life looks like now (Ha!)
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self.bipolar
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I can’t rn I’m just literally so depressed rn.Im having trouble sleeping, even breathing.i can’t concentrate and no one likes me.People around me just ignore it tho
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self.depression
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Why do I deserve to live? I have a pretty good life. My family has enough money to get by and be comfortable, they support me in most things and have always given me positive outlooks on life, and they always advocate help. Despite all that, for the past few months, I have seriously been looking into committing suicide. I don’t want their help. If I can’t get through it on my own then I'm too weak to live anyway. Recently I’ve lost motivation to do anything because I’m hoping to find the courage to end my life. When I’m in need of someone to talk to, I push everyone away to play Superman and go to my fortress of solitude. I’m 17 years old and I’ve never had a kiss, never been on a date, and for good reason. I’m very cynical and can be annoying. There’s someone who I’ve been friends with for 6 years. About a year into it I told her I loved her and she said ‘no’ without saying ‘no’. She does not like to be blunt or speak her feelings. We go to the same school. We talk a lot to each other. There are patches of time where we don’t talk at all (more on that later), but when we are we talk every day a lot. However, whene I say talk, I mean text. We very rarely interact in person and she is very against the idea of it. I am very open with her and am very close with her in that way, but she always seems very distant. Periodically I basically tell her that: a) I want to never speak to her again so I can forget about her and move on (I was once at a point where I was very unhealthily obsessive), b) That ... is her fault, c) That ... is my fault, d) I am the embodiment of wasted air and have no idea why she likes to talk to me, e) Telling her the ways I think she has problems and is hurting me, and some combination of all of the above. Those tend to follow a period of silence, followed by one of us (more frequently her) starting conversation again like nothing happened. A week ago I lashed out on her calling her emotionless and that I can’t keep talking to her like this and how I really wanted to kill myself. I feel like she’s perfect as someone for me to open up to and at the same time horrible. It’s a bad match because a lot of times I want some sort of reaction and someone who I’m not just opening up to, but can open up to me. A real emotional connection. Sometimes I say things to try to make her feel hurt to see if she even feels anything or if I actually matter to her at all. On the flip side, that sturdy iron curtain of emotionless is what allows me to open up to her. I feel like if I talk to family members and other friends about my suicidal thoughts and feeling of not deserving life, they will just be given stress and be hurt emotionally and I would just be a burden to them, which I would not like to be. With this girl, if she feels nothing, no harm done to her. This aversion to causing close ones emotional pain is why I really, REALLY don’t want to have a failed attempt. When I attempt, I want to die, because living after that would be way worse. Also, I can’t feel guilty about it if I’m dead. I know, that’s a selfish way of thinking. I’m pretty selfish in general, which is a reason why I deserve to die. In fact, the mere idea of me wanting to end my life while I have a good one, and while a lot of people want to kill themselves because they weren’t as lucky and they didn’t get things easy is a large reason why I don’t deserve to live. If you don’t appreciate the life you’ve been given, do you deserve to have it? I think not. To me, this is a very interesting moral debate.
P.S. Sorry for the super long post, I typed way more than intended. I’m very against a therapist and this is the first time I’ve my actually shared my personally experince and views with anyone.
P.P.S. Not from Wisconsin. Canadian-born, Canadian resident.
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self.SuicideWatch
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not doing so hot She's the only person I've ever loved. We'll call her Kate. It was the first time I had ever been in what felt like a truly adult relationship. We communicated. We supported each other. We openly worked on our relationship. I loved her.
Kate left me around 7 months ago. I never saw it coming. She just left one day. No warning that she was unhappy, no signs that suggested she was done. A couple days later I texted her and she seemed pretty torn up too. She said she wanted to come over to get some more closure.
Kate came over and I tried to really tell her how much I loved her, how much I believed in us, how much more I could do to make this work, and how much I wanted to be there for her. We spoke for a very long time and by the end she seemed to be coming around. We embraced for what felt like hours and she told me that she needed the week to think. I said that was okay and asked her to promise she would speak to me in person when she made her decision. She agreed. When I walked her out she stopped, turned, kissed me, and walked out the door.
A week later Kate texted me to say she was sorry but she couldn't try again. I had seen her for the last time.
Once she had left I started drinking, watching porn very frequently, having a lot of casual sex, and generally stopped taking care of myself mentally and emotionally. It's been the worst 7 months of my life. At times I've hated her. At times I've hated myself. I've always missed her. I've always missed myself.
I've had bouts of communication with Kate, all of them unhealthy in one way or another. The one common thread is that they give me hope and ultimately tear me down again. I've been able to at least identify that contact with her, alcohol, and sex/porn are three damaging things in my life, but it seems as soon as I take one step forward I take two steps back.
The last 5 days I've been off work and have essentially just had an alcohol, porn, and sex binge. I haven't been doing all three constantly but they have been the main activities of every day. I'm finally coming down from it all and I feel awful. I texted Kate and I feel worse. Everything feels empty. I won't get better. I don't care about getting better. I'm weak. I want to die. The problems in my life aren't fixable. The problems in the world aren't fixable. My job is a waste of time. Life has no object. There isn't a reason to get better. People would miss me if I died but I do not care. They will die soon too. Life consists of pain and suffering. We are made to suffer. We are atoms in the pawns of the game of life. Fuck you Kate. This is your fault. I used to think love was what made life worth experiencing. I was so wrong. The only guarantee of love is that it **WILL** end one way or another. The only guarantee of love is it eventually increases your suffering.
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self.depression
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What were some of your craziest, most debilitating, and most terrifying physical symptoms that, in the end, just ended up being anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm uninteresting. People don't seem to get that at first. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Is suicidal thoughts normal? How often should one have them before seeking help? I have a stressful home environment and whenever i feel stressed i have suicidal thoughts and when that happens i lock my self inside my room until the thoughts are gone. Rinse and repeat. Is this concerning? Or normal?
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self.depression
|
I need to find a job, struggling with what's the point/I can't pass a background test. I went to my therapist today and left early to buy beer in the rain. I don't know what to do anymore. every time I try to put on a brave face, I end up impatiently expecting to be rewarded by the universe for trying and when I hear no, its like hitting the ground after attempting a jump on a skateboard but smacking your head on the concrete. I know I'm impatient. I know I'm expecting too much too soon. but its so hard to act in the first place. I want a blue ribbon for showering and trying. and I tried for like 3 weeks and I'm so disappointed I can't find my way out of this. I have a felony from 4 years ago that's keeping me from being relevant or attractive to any job and then again none of those jobs were ever what I think I was on Earth to do. So I ended up on youtube watching a user submitted video on the book of enoch for some stupid reason and I don't know if anyone is out there but its starting to feel like this life is just a punishment for something I did before that I can't quite remember or reconcile and just end up guessing about Does anyone know? Can anyone help? My therapist is clearly annoyed.
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self.depression
|
Not being to able to forget the past? So, I'm 22 now and my story started about 5 years ago when I've met my first girlfriend. It came suddenly, because I've never felt like I'm alone or that I would need a partner in my life before. The first 4 months was like the heaven. I loved her much and I didn't think anything could go wrong. In January of 2013 everything became worse.
First of all, her only support in their family, her grandfater died and it changed her behaviour absolutely. When she was having trouble, I've tried to help her in every way. I was trying to comfort and motivate her all the time, but she always ended up insulting me. She became very selfish, for example: there was a day when my mom came home with the news that there's no much left of my grandma's life, less than a week. This news was basically enough for me to make me depressed, but then my girlfriend got angry at a video game, she was raging all the way and started to insult me afterwards. These things were going on for months.
Secondly my life back then became more difficult as well, I was losing friends, I was fighting with my mom daily and I hated schooldays as well.
After these things I started fighting with depression, which I didn't really tell to anyone, I was trying to get over it alone while my gf continued doing her things like what I said above. Soon I've lost all my trust in her, I've started ignoring her and it just made everything worse.
I was thinking about if breaking up would be better, but without saying it my gf said something that changed my mind. This exactly: if she ever loses me, then she will have no reason to live (she meant that she would commit suicide as soon as she loses me in any way). So that I had no courage to break up with her. This toxic relationship was slowly killing me, but she didn't care much about it, even though she could see that something is not alright with me.
This was going on until 1 or 2 years back then from now, when she started to change, so that I was trying to let her come closer to me. Everything was working out well, up to a certain point... I've noticed that I can't trust in her, like I don't want to tell her anything bad that is happening to me and I didn't wanted to share anything with her. I've felt like I lost my love towards her, even our "intimate" things didn't work. Also I noticed that whenever she was complaining about something for the umpteenth time.
Is there a problem with me, or is this something that can't be forgotten?
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self.offmychest
|
How to tell if it's anxiety or you're dying Please help. I'm so scared all the time.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why is the best time the worst time. Why is it the best time to kill my self the worst time in everybody else’s life.
|
self.depression
|
I'm so fucking sorry. I wish I could choke myself to death. So I can feel all the pain that I've caused you and myself.
|
self.depression
|
Has anyone had wellbutrin cause shortness of breath and tightness in their chest? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Death day Someone who I worked with died last week. I didn’t really know him, I knew who he was but never spoke to him. We’d exchanged a polite smile here or there, the sort that two strangers passing each other in an office would do but that’s it. However, I can’t get his death off my mind, for a number of reasons and I just need to empty it from my brain into words on the screen.
He was only early 20s. He was young, had so much life ahead of him but fate obviously had different plans. It’s crazy that’s someone’s life plan has been laid out to not even meet their 30s. Fate can be so callous and cold. It doesn’t care what your goals are, what you’ve got planned for your future, who you love and who loves you back, it claims you whenever it feels like it.
This leads me on to my next reason, he fell. Just a normal fall but it caused him to get a clot and that led to the end of his life. Just like that. There doesn’t need to be a huge dramatic accident or event to end someone’s life, it can just happen, sometimes not even just by a fall. Your heart could just give up or you could have an aneurysm and be gone at the snap of your fingers. Humans can be so poorly designed, can’t they? You can just live your life simply day to day, nothing special and boom. Death day.
That’s my last reason. Everyone has a death day, everyone passes their death day every year. Someone passes their death day too many times and then they stop. No passing go, don’t collect $100. Strike, you’re outta here. No one knows their death day, it could even be this day in 50 years time, you just don’t know. It’s true when they say to live every day like it’s your last because it could be and for this poor guy, that colleague who’s name I only learned today, that colleague that I’d only ever flashed a friendly smile to, had his last day and wasn’t even aware that he had a fall scheduled and that was going to be his book closed, at 25. One minute you see a person and then never again.
That person may be a background character in your life but they actually are the main character in theirs following their own storyline and you never know when it’ll end.
I’m not scared of death, maybe I’m just over emotional but it definitely struck me hard and all these thoughts flooded in. I guess these things just show how mortal we are. Please, don’t take life for granted.
Thanks for reading. I needed to offload. Let’s hope I can sleep now without it swirling in my head.
RIP, I’m gonna miss exchanging smiles on a Saturday morning shift.
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self.offmychest
|
Sudden anxiety Hello , first time posting here.
Have any of u ever felt this sudden anxiety and helplessness and fear?
It all happened to me all of a sudden when i started getting some muscle twitches. I started googling symptoms for a week and i kind of ignored the fact that i had something wrong. The twitches continued and at some point i had a really bad headache from cold outside and i took an aspirin . Then i actually drank some coffee for some reason and at night i took another aspirin.
When i woke up i was a wreck. I was afraid of every fucking thing that existed. I've been like this for 2 weeks and a half. It gets better at some points and i can sleep but most of the time i feel like i'm a wreck and i'm afraid of my own shadow. I go to work as usual i don't have social anxiety or anything but i think i've developed a fobia for shaking and twitching. Whenever i see someone twitching or shaking i kinda think it's me and i start panicing.
I've done all my blood work and i've been to a neurologist and and ORL doctor and i've tried everything but it isn't working. I have to admit i feel better than i felt like 2 weeks ago but i still get panicky and stuff when i start getting this weird hot and shaky feeling inside my body.
Has anyone else ever experienced this?
I don't want to see a psychiatrist ( i've spoken to one and he said i've been burnt out by stress and to come see him to get prescribed some medicine ). I don't want to start taking Zanax or Zoloft or some other stuff that just makes u a potato and i want to fix this. I'm all over the place and i can barely handle shit right now because i've never experienced anxiety and i've never been like this before. I have no idea what happened and i'm scared shitless that i have to live like this for the rest of my life.
Please some help!!!
|
self.Anxiety
|
I Sexually Assaulted a Woman at a Party Three Years ago. I don't know what I really expect from posting this, but it has been on my mind for the past few weeks with the allegations levied against several celebrities lately. It was about three years ago, I was a sophomore in college. I was invited to a frat party by a couple of (female) friends who got me on the list. It was kind of late in the night, so I was a little drunk (which is not an excuse). I was incredibly inexperienced in the dating world. I had mostly girl friends throughout high school and college, but I had never been in a relationship or had sex. I hadn't even really made out with anyone before. This frat house had a side garage that they used as a bar and dance floor. I start to grind on this girl I see, I don't remember anything about her or the events prior, I just remember grinding. I remember that a guy came up to me a told me to slap her ass, so I did...a few times. Looking back I really hate myself for not realizing how wrong it was, but for using the excuse that it was what I was "supposed to do" at a party. It ended when a friend of her's came up to her and they walked away. After that I noticed a couple of my friends on the opposite side of the dance floor. I immediately felt really awkward and prayed that they didn't see. They never brought it up to me at any point, so I kind of put it out of my mind for a bit and got back to the party. I didn't grind on anybody else, but I did continue to drunkenly dance.
The main reason I want to get this off my chest is that, I still feel really shitty about it. I probably ruined that girl's night, I was part of the problem in that moment, I just participated in a shitty party culture that says "it's okay" to grope women. It's not fucking okay, it is disgusting. I have been to other parties since, but have stuck more to my friends and avoided anonymous grinding for the most part. I just don't know how I can consider myself an ally for victims of sexual assault, or women in general, knowing that I did this. I have a girlfriend now, I sometimes feel like I should tell her and be honest, but I can't bring myself to. I just really needed to confess it somewhere, to at least feel some semblance of self-accountability. I wish I could sincerely apologize to this girl for an all to common occurrence, but I don't even remember her face. Plus I know that it probably wouldn't mean anything to her and I feel it's really just a selfish act.
TL;DR: I groped and spanked a woman's ass at a party three years ago. I still feel like shit about it and wanted to confess it somewhere to try and hold myself accountable.
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self.offmychest
|
Skipped trip due to anxiety For the past couple of years I have had some form of anxiety, panic attacks every once in a while, normal public speaking, meeting new people, always been really awkward.
I am 24 male, been with my fiancé for 4 years, and just recently was supposed to go on a work trip for a couple of days out of state. It was a new group of people I didn't know well, but were all very nice, we spent 2-3 15 hour days working on their presentation, I was just watching to learn the process (although I won't ever use the process as I am switching lines of work soon)
anyways, I put all this time and effort into getting ready for the trip, but the night before decided I was going to lie and say something came up. I had an awful day, was in a terrible mood. I kept thinking what if something awful happen to me or my fiancé/our dogs while I was gone.
It got to the point to where I'd nearly cry sitting there thinking about how worried I was.
I have Klonopin, Ativan, and Propranolol to use in different situations to help. Prop is good for public speaking and things like that. Klonopin is good for the night before a particularly anxious event. I try to use the benzos only once a week at most. I exercise regularly and eat well, though I did used to love the gym much more and now it is a chore to get there.
My sex drive has dropped bad this past couple years, my blood work shows I'm fine, I feel tired most days, and have a terrible time waking up at a decent hour, even if I get 8-9 hours of sleep, and I'm in a bad mood most days.
This most recent event made me realize I need to do more about my anxiety, I do have some ocd as well, like not wanting to break routines in fear of something bad happening. I think about people dying too often, i think.
I'm smart, have a great life/job, great family. My mom does suffer from mental health issues as well, PTSD, anxiety, depression, she is on a lot of meds, but I don't want to get that way.
I plan on picking up a good Probiotic, and eating more fruits/vegetables, Agmatine, Ashwaghanda, and maybe a few smaller things like Glycine before bed.
I do use Kratom, typically 1-2 weeks at a time, one dose at night, then stop for a week or two.
I just don't know what else to do. It is not awful, I can live day to day just fine, I just think I could be a much happier person without all of this.
I have been out of town once without my fiancé and dogs, but I went with my dad for a week on a trip, but still, had horrible anxiety up until the point of almost getting to our destination, and throughout the trip still felt a little down.
edit- last night i got home and took some Ativan, after it kicked in I finally felt normal and like I could go on the trip but had already told everyone I couldn't make it.. now I just feel pathetic. I have also had stomach issues for quite a long time.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Really don’t see the point of living anymore, completely empty. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
What helps you get through the day? We’re still here because we haven’t killed ourselves yet. So what’s keeps you going?
|
self.depression
|
Anyone initially lose weight on lexapro/escitalopram? I noticed that I may be losing some fluid weight since I re-started on Escitalopram 1 week ago-- I lost a few pounds, and seem to be peeing a lot more. I also noticed some hunger pangs at night-- which i just ignore. These were not there before I re-started on the meds.
Anyone have this experience as well when they started out on the meds?
|
self.Anxiety
|
The downward spiral into oblivion I am lost, I have no idea what to do and I am so alone. I don't expect anything, I just need to get it out into the world instead of trapped inside my own head.
About 5 years ago I had many friends, a vibrant social life and was partying 24/7 with almost no care in the world. At least that's what I thought. I'd just come out of a terrible mentally abusive relationship and was dealing with it with alcohol. I thought I was happy though and that was nice.
I met a girl, she was amazing. I did everything in my power to make her mine and after a few months of talking and hanging out we were together. She drank as much as I did.
Fast forward a few years and I had managed to land a pretty good job, save the money for a deposit on a house and get engaged. I was still drinking pretty heavily. I stopped seeing most of my friends and focused 100% on the happiness of my fiance. Everything was great. We got married.
My job sucked but I didn't care because I had an amazing wife and my own house. I one day got sick of being drunk all the time and tried to stop. I sobered up and had a bit of a 'oh shit' moment and was impressed with how much I achieved. I celebrated by drinking. I drank much more than I ever had, I unknowingly neglected my wife. We stopped having sex. We stopped talking anything more than what we had to. I didn't realise.
Fast forward a bit further and our relationship is in ruins. Her depression is out of control and I'm finally somewhat in control of my drinking. She tries several times to kill herself. I try constantly to fix what I had started and she had continued with. It doesn't work.
She then begins to go out and not tell me where she is. Then she begins to not come home and not tell me where she is. She is pretty much gone. Nothing I say or do to fix this relationship is working. Pretty commonly something along the lines of me saying we need to fix this relationship and her saying she needs to sort her depression out first.
I get sick of being alone all the time, working my ass off to give her a house she is never even in and pretty much giving her money to go party with God knows who and who knows where.
We seperate. Strangely it's the best we've ever got along for a long time. It's weird though. Neither of us really know what's going on. Weve decided to sell the house and go our separate ways for a while to try get both of our heads sorted out.
At the end of the day she is out with her friends constantly and never here and I have no one. Just me and this stupid job. It sucks. Today she told me she slept with someone else. I guess we're really over.
Now I'm wondering if I should eat a bottle of pain killers or not. I have nothing left. I let it all go to make her happy and ended up ruining myself doing it. She's back to what she was doing before we met. Fuck this.
Thanks for reading.
|
self.depression
|
ending my life tomorrow thanks to everyone who has offered me messages of support on this website over the last couple of months after having my heart shattered. It has gotten this bad and I am ending my suffering tomorrow evening. There is no light at the end of this tunnel, and especially after this year, I see that there's no way out of this depression for me.
Goodbye everyone.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Woke up to my gay step brother touching and didn't full stop him We are both the same age at 21 and I never sleep in his room because he is gay(sounds bad I know, but should have stuck to this rule). One night we were playing games until about 4:00am and I was calling it a night, but when I was going to go down stairs my step mom was getting ready for work. I didnt want to deal with an awkward conversation, so i decided fine i'll just sleep in his room. About an hour later I woke up to him groping me, my heart was beating so fast I didn't know what to do, I felt total shock. He called my name a few times to wake up and I didn't respond hoping that would be the end of it, but then he pulled down my pants a little bit and jacked me off while I am on my stomach still acting asleep. I usually have morning wood like every single morning so I dont know if he took that as a sign or something. At the same time he placed my right hand on his butt to finger him, i didn't say a word. But when I finally orgasmed, i felt so much disgust right away and got my tension together to finally alert him and take my hand back right away. I actually cried right after and curled up into a ball. So much was going through my mind i couldn't even look him in the face. Ive known him for over 14 years of my life and never felt uncomfortable. When I was done crying and hearing him saying im sorry, I went and took a shower right away. I feel so guilty and ashamed for not stopping things, I should have stopped right away, but I froze up.
I have a girlfriend I have been with ever since high school (we are waiting till marriage to have penetrative sex) so this was different for me and I cant explain the disgust I have not only at him, but my self for not stopping the situation. I should not have froze up or waited until I orgasmed. I thought I could have been gay for a couple days after, but quickly realized that is definitely not the case so I just dont know why I didnt stop the situation. I hope there never is a next time I am in any kind of situation like this, but if there is I will be more prepared.
Overall I am sort of glad this happened now because I realize he was not a real brother. No real brother would do this. When I got home I told my mom that I froze up (not the part how I waited until I orgasmed) she called my dad pretty furious about the situation. Its been about 4 months and he has moved out of the house and I have not talked to my dad either (we didn't talk much before because he left to the army when I was younger). There was NO penetrative sex or anything, but i still feel super gross about the whole situation. My stepbrother is dead to me now, i want nothing to do with him.
Sorry for the long ramblings its late, but i wanted to post this.
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self.offmychest
|
Seeking medical help I don’t want to make this long. So the story goes something like this: Winter has sucked for me (I live in the south hemisphere) and the only friend who knows how bad i was really insisted I called my medical service (things work different here) and asked for a meeting with a doctor specialized on teenagers. I was really into the idea as this is supposedly to help teenagers and there are no parents involved. until I remembered my father has his number as mine on their registry so today he’ll probably get a remainder (for me) that I have a meeting. I really hope this doesn’t happen but probably will and I feel it would destroy my relationship with both of them (which is not the best but they care for me).
Long story short: I hope seeking help doesn’t ruin things up
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self.depression
|
I can't get rid of the voices. I just want to clarify that I'm not schizophrenic. My inner monologues - you know the ones that kick in voicing your insecurities and your fears and all the things you hate about yourself - have been insane recently. I've been able to put a cap on it for the past 7 years by not really caring too much about the end result of anything. It used to be that they'd tell me how I was stupid and that I would never amount to anything but I would just counter it by telling myself I didn't care and that nothing really mattered in the end and it would shut that off pretty quick.
And then I went and fell in love with a wonderful man. He's kind, affectionate and warm. I would probably do anything for him. But now the voices have started again and I feel like I've gone off the deep end. They tell me how he doesn't really love me, that he's going to leave me and that I don't deserve any of this. And they're so goddamn loud in my head. I just can't make them stop. Sometimes I feel like slicing my head off and scooping my brains out - anything to make them shut up.
It's the first time I've been genuinely terrified of losing something and now I've got to face up to the shit in my head and I don't know how. Some nights I'm okay but on really bad nights I've had to hurt myself to bring some clarity to my head. It sounds so odd to me but they just take over sometimes and I can't think or breathe or rationalise at all. I'm scared to tell him the full extent of it because of how crazy I sound.
I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to feel. Worst of all I don't think they'll ever stop.
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self.offmychest
|
Iv Recently been told by a doctor that i might not have bipolar and i feel like a fraud. Iv asked for advice here a few times before, Im really sorry for taking up your time. I know there is something not right about me and now that this other doctor might not think its bipolar its put me in a real spin. Im so sorry everyone I never meant to be a burden to you. I thought knowing what it was was half the battle but no two doctors have different opinions so now I at least need a third. I'm so so sorry everyone.
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self.bipolar
|
Questioning Medication? This probably isn't a universal experience, but since I've been on meds things have gotten a lot better. I still have the swings but I can manage to get through them without hospitalization now. But... I really just want to go off my meds. I feel like I might have been making up how bad it is. I want to see if I can survive without them, I hate the idea of being medicated for the rest of my life.
|
self.bipolar
|
Emotional numbness anxiety/depression I cry, laugh, smile... It's a natural response. But I no longer feel.. pleasure. I can feel sad. I can act like I'm happy. However, pleasure and love is something I can never get my head around. I don't even feel like I love my own family. I also don't feel pleasure... I'm someone that masturbates often. One day, I realized it no longer gave me the feeling I needed. I was "finished" before I could even feel, physically, what I was doing. What's the point of doing it if it doesn't make you feel good?
...I've been in counseling for depression, which never really got "resolved" because the lady I saw was terrible at her job. But, during those sessions, I didn't feel anything. She'd ask me a simple question, and I could never answer it because I didn't KNOW what went on inside my own mind and heart. I was emotionless. I couldn't even cry or express why I was so sad. I was just numb... This empty void, unable to face the world for what it really was. I hide away inside my home, scared to face my own emotions or "activate" a part of my brain/thoughts that I find repulsive and wrong.
At one point, I started shutting out my depression and told myself to stop crying about my pathetic life. I thought that, maybe, if I could ignore my pain, it would just go away and be left in the past. That was a mistake. My advice would be to admit all your suppressed feelings, and come to terms with the way your life is now. I'm going to try... I have to feel something before it's too late and I lose my relationship.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just one story that's bad but not as bad as it could be. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm extremely scared. What do I do? I'm really frightened and I don't know what to do with myself.
Every flicker of light, every movement, every sound. They cause me to panic. I feel as though someone or someTHING is out to get me. Or maybe that my house is going to catch on fire, or that my house is going to get hit by a tree. Maybe I'll be driving and get hit by a car, then get stabbed while we exchange license and insurance information. Or maybe my house will get broken into and I'll get shot.
Something bad is going to happen, but I don't know what or why. I'll only know those answers once it happens. It's just my gut feeling. I'm predicting the future. These are premonitions.
I want to escape. No, literally. I want to run away and escape from whatever or whoever is coming after me. I want to hide somewhere, like maybe in a hotel room. But then what if that someone or something follows me? Then I'm trapped in a room with no way out except the entrance that is blocked by that evil force (if it's a person or something else).
I'm shaking all over, and I have to stay awake, alert.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I talked to my parents that I feel depressed. They said, "You're not depressed." "Stop talking nonsense."
And they saw my cuts a few months ago.
They said I can't be depressed because I never experienced to become financially unstable, because I have a nice home and I get to eat anything.
I feel so invalidated, like there's a requirement to be depressed.
Just because I don't suffer as much as what they suffered financially before doesn't make me have no right to be depressed.
If I'm dead, I don't want to hear them say, "We didn't know she was depressed."
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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