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Having trouble with expressing how I feel So I was diagnosed with bipolar depression which completely made sense when the doctor told me but ever since I’ve been super conscience about it. I grew up in a Mexican Family so expressing feelings is already hard enough to my tradition hard ass family. I was in a really bad relationship when I was diagnosed which made me want to keep to myself. But I have so much to just rant and vent about and the only people to talk about this is my therapist and I feel like I’m not getting anywhere with it. I’m in a new relationship now and I’m scared about scaring her away, I also live at home and I’m not comfortable with being myself in front of my parents. So I’m going about my life either hiding that I’m manic or hiding that I’m depressed I feel like the more I do that ,the worse I get and the worse my thoughts get. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has this problem and if you do how do you deal with “acting normal” when you feel like crap.
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self.bipolar
|
At work, trying not to scream (99 PROBS ANS BIPOLAR IS MOST OF EM) Tl;dr version: super under appreciated and paid, because my boss is a fucking idiot. Today is extra taxing. I’ve been doubling numbers in my head all day to keep from slamming things.
Pray (to Satan) for me!!
IS IT PARANOIA OR ARE THEY WHISPERING
can I️ go home yet?
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self.bipolar
|
Why am I my own worse enemy? I want to start by saying, if this is in the wrong sub reddit, please say so and I will repost.
I just want to know if I'm the only one here who feels this way.
I'm 28 years old, single, sales rep for a rapidly grown tech company, mildly attractive, with my own condo and a few bucks in the bank, but i don't know what i am. I felt like I've struggled with identity my entire life and I've (possibly) had depression before i knew what depression was. My biggest struggle is self identification, i just cant do it. i don't know who i am, what i care for, what matters to me and where i want to go and what i want to accomplish and i constantly mold myself into situations to fit everyone else around me so i can be accepted.
also, i am very self deprecating, I've always been hard on myself (even when no one else was). Like an abusive father but to myself, in my own head, for as long as i can remember. I felt like i could never accomplish anything of value. I was always say to myself "thats just not you" "that outfit wouldn't work for you" "you can't bet him at this activity" "he's going to be better, no need to practice" I constantly get in my own way and stop myself from achieving goals. I've felt like i haven't truly enjoyed anything in my life. its either getting joy from watching someone else get joy or my level of joy was never about a 6/10.
I find myself getting jealous of other peoples hobbies, their likes, their knowledge of anything (music,art, travel, business) and i hate myself to not knowing this. Anything to fuel this self hatred.
I never been good with relationships because i never felt i deserved someone. like at any moment in time, that person would realize I'm a loser, not intelligent, not sexually adequate and would find anyone else in a heart beat to replace me. I even have a group of 6-10 close friends I've know since grade school, although, sometimes I've never felt truly close to them.
Idk its a dumb, small rant. I needed to get this out after having an anxiety attack on the train home from work. I dont wish to take away from anyone in the sub who is truly depressed. I feel like I've only peeked in your door and i don't wish to have my small BS over shadow true depression.
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self.depression
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Have GAD for years and finally discovered what my specific triggers are. [NSFW] [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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May be going to prison for a crime i didnt commit H
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is this my fault from age 18-21 i was dating a woman 9 olders 27-30
the last 2 years of the relationship i was doubting the relationship much (because of the age difference) but never told her i think i stayed for the conformt
i know it was wrong and i wont do it again but since i discovered it is difficult to marry at 30 in our country i start to get extremely mental issues a year passed and i still spend 10 hours a day thinking about it.
i think because i stringed her along for 2 years she can´t have marry or have children if i was honest with her she left me and she had 2 years more.
the idea that i completly ruined some one life is taking a huge mental toll on me i even think about asisted suicide.
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self.Anxiety
|
Alternatives to antipsychotics I have a multitude of diagnosis. Particularly cyclothymia, complex PTSD, and ADHD. I have been on a mood stabilizer (oxcarbazepine) for the past few years at 600mg once a day. It has worked well but I am still generally depressed and suffer from intrusive thoughts.
Both my previous and current APRNs have brought up antipsychotics as a next step. I have only tried this medication and an antidepressant in the past. My ADHD is well controlled with a stimulant and I am in talk therapy weekly and working on CBT and DBT skills.
I personally don't feel that the risk is acceptable at this point in my life. I know that they have helped many people, but I'm not ready to take that step now.
I am looking for any information about other medications. Personal stories, anecdotes, studies, anything and everything is welcome.
TL;DR: Not ready to try antipsychotics after trying just a few medications, what else may help?
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self.bipolar
|
I have a great life but I can't seem to enjoy it I have friends. I have a loving boyfriend who I adore. I have goals, a good background, career, and ambition. I have a lot of things people would like.
Yet I can't seem to enjoy it fully at all.
I seem to be stuck on the perception others have of me. I am constantly looking at my body and hating it. I am always worried that I am the least liked friend of the group. I am always thinking "What's wrong with me, what can I do to be better, what can I do?"
I have no spine. If someone asks me to hang out, I leave at a moment's notice because I'm that starved for ... validity? I feel as though there's something inherently wrong about me.
I don't even know who I am really. I feel like I used to have a personality but I don't even know what I like or what it is I am meant to be like.
I can't be unhappy because I have so many things that give me perspective and make me realize my life is good yet...I can't ever be truly happy.
I suppose I'm going to be stuck in permanent ennui...
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self.offmychest
|
In a weird situation So I've wanted nothing more than to kill myself for the past 8(almost9) years now. When I first was going to do it I was told to not do it because things will get better and I was just a teen so I didn't know how I really felt. So while I was waiting I decided that I would kill myself after I move out of my parents house(so after college I guess) so that my parents/sibling wouldn't have to find my dead body. So as I waited My craving for killing continued to grow I use to think about doing every now and then, then I thought of doing it every couple weeks, then every couple days,then a couple times a day and now I think of killing myself every second that I'm not distracted with social media, video games, TV , food, sleeping,music or pleasuring myself. and it is driving me crazy I really want to die and I still have a couple more years to wait but I definitely can't hold out(and I never really thought about until recently but I've always been using those things as an escape from reality (but I've been doing it on a highly addictive level)) but now that I'm so close to killing myself or losing mind(whichever comes first) I feel like I'm so close to the answer I've been waiting for like the reason not to kill myself but I just can't seem to figure it out. Idk this is just a rant I guess a rant before a lose my mind maybe. Maybe that's what the answer is.
Well thanks for reading. it is a lot of text.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Just writing my thought to see if it'll help me. I want to die. I would prefer to be dead. I would like it very much if I was killed. Please kill me. Someone kill me. I wish I was never born. I want to die. Why am I alive? What's the point of anything? In a few thousand years nothing I do will matter, most probably. Why am I still alive. Please kill me. Please kill me. Please kill me. I feel nothing. I'm so alone, I'm not like everyone else. Is everyone else thinking the same thing I am, and just hiding their feeling from everyone else like me? I don't think they are. But some people are; some people feel much worse than me every day. They have real reasons to feel the way they do, like some trauma they had to go through as a child, unlike me, has no reason to want to die. I don’t deserve to die. It would be selfish of me. I just wish I could stop existing. I wish no one would care about me if I died. But wishing that while I'm alive is hindering my relationships with people. Yiu wouldn't be able to have normal relationships with people any way; you're not like everyone else. They feel things, and don’t think about death every day. You would depress anyone you tried to get close to. They don't deserve to suffer for your problems. You are also way too boring to be with anyone for any long length of time, you're really insecure about everything and it makes everyone uncomfortable. Even if you try to hide your feelings of insecurity it comes out and everyone knows. In the same way that you know that a person is friendly or kind from a first impression. You give the impression of a boring, depressed person, who no one want to be around. Why are you even alive? You should kill yourself. But that would hurt the people who would feel grief. So what? You will stop existing so it won't be your problem, but you can't kill yourself until you have made sure you aren't a detriment to society. Earning a lot of money than paying back my family for raising me and my taxes to society for the health care I have taken advantage of. A high salary is the fastest way to stop the pain. You will most probably not get a high salary paying job anyway. Some people have the ability and determination to works for hours on end for their goals. You are nothing like that; you procrastinate all the time. You spend most of your days feeling sorry for yourself, keeping your mind busy with mindless tasks and meaningless hobbies that won't get you anywhere because you're not good enough at any of them; you don't have the talent of determination required to succeed creatively. You don't have what it takes. Give up. Also, what pain? Stop exaggerating, you're so weak. More that 4 billion people in the world have a worse quality of life than you. Billions of people would do anything to be in your shoes. What the fuck is wrong with you? Fucking man up you piece of shit.
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self.depression
|
The only reason I won't do it ...is I'm too afraid to fail. A friend of my mother's failed. He's blind. I also don't own, nor plan to procure, a gun. I don't want anyone to have to clean up the mess. I don't mean loved ones, I don't have any of those. I mean anyone, ever. I don't want to affect anyone, I don't even want anyone to notice I'm gone. I just want to be deleted completely.
But I don't want to live. I don't want to be me anymore. For as long as I can remember (I am 35) I have wanted to be anyone else. I would daydream in school about how even the kid in class with the seemingly worst life had it better. I get it, we all say that, but I was *right*. I knew we were poor, I knew we were being abused, and I knew we had an abnormal home life. I knew.
I have done everything I could for the same entire life to try to **NOT** get to where I am right now. All I wanted was a quiet, normal life. I don't get to have that. Everything gets taken away or every person disappears.
I am so incredibly alone even when I'm surrounded by people. All day, I imagine a bullet going through my head, a semi failing to see me in the lane, a bridge collapse, any random anything would just put me out of having to continue to wake up and go through the motions.
Every one of you who has family, friends, or a spouse who still supports you are so lucky. I sit here and weep when I see how actually lucky other people are.
All I've ever really wanted is to feel a little loved, and I mean the kind internet people can't give me. Closeness, intimacy, and just a little security that each time I come home they'd be coming home too.
I get nothing. I get loneliness and heartbreak followed by more loneliness and more heartbreak. I just want it to end.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anybody else struggle to differentiate between where their bipolar disorder ends and where their personality begins?
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self.bipolar
|
Our second xmas in our new home And we’re still getting xmas cards from the previous three sets of tenants. Seriously if you care enough to send these people cards, how can you not know they moved home years ago?
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self.offmychest
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My problem with anxiety... So... I hope this is a short one. I normally don't feel anxious. By this, what I mean is that my worry starts usually with a physical symptom. Let's take today for example. I wake up and I realize that for the first time in a long time I was able to sleep 9 hours straight. I quickly notice that I feel good and I am happy. I stand up. Go to the bathroom. Then to the kitchen to make some tea. Suddenly, I start feeling a sting in y chest area, right below my neck. Hello, anxiety!!!
I am not checking for symptoms, I do not wake up expecting the next attack, however, the smallest sign of pain is enough for me to get into worry mode. I am tired of that.
I am very sad right now.
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self.Anxiety
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I feel empty after I talk to people I went to this bar and had a dope conversation with the bartender about sports. But now that I'm home, I feel like he was only being cool to me cause he wanted a good tip. and he's probably telling his co-workers how painful it was to hold a convo with me and how lame I am. I just want friends man. Seriously that's all. I just want acceptance. I that so much to ask for? I can never tell if people actually like me or if they just want something from me...
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self.depression
|
I'm just so done. I just. I do not understand people. I don't get them at all. Why they get so mad when you question things. Why they get so vicious. Why they go on and on about their SJW-ism and their concern but the instant they encounter someone who actually is different they flip the fuck out and go on the attack because eww omg what is wrong with you ugh.
I hate being broken. I hate how my mind doesn't work like other peoples'. I hate how I don't understand what I think are just comments somehow piss people off so much. The joke didn't work. I pointed it out. Why is this so horrible? I tried to explain and you got pissed at me. I don't. I give up? Sometimes it's OK to say what you're thinking and sometimes it's awful I don't know how to tell the difference I don't know how to make people not get so mad no I get the joke please stop explaining it it just doesn't work.
I don't get it. I don't know if i want to so I just ran away again to get away from all of the noise and the mess and the pain because I was crying again because it hurts when I make people angry like that I don't know what went wrong I don't understand why they get so upset and so nasty and snarky I just don't so fuck it i'll just stay away for a little while and cry and poke myself just so with the knife so it hurts like it needs to and the little bits of blood flow but it won't leave marks to freak anyone out about later and it makes everything better when I hurt because at least the pain on my arm I can look at.
The world would be better off without me. And it wouldn't have to hurt anymore. And no one would be mad. no one at all. just quiet
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self.depression
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I've just about lost everything Back in April I found out my wife had been having an affair. I let this affect my Work, and had to go on a performance review. I focused on work and lost most of my friends. In my depression, I lost a bunch of weight and started drinking. I got a dui after falling asleep in my car outside my friend's house. I'll have to stay in state for a year for an interlock, but I had committed to moving for work. I can't stay where I am for work because the sales reps in my region don't like me. The anxiety from all of this is literally eating away at me every day to the point I can't eat or sleep, and I've thus lost over 60lbs. Despite all that weight lost, I've still had minimal luck at dating. The icing on the shit cake was that I finally found someone beautiful who I connected deeply with, and she dumped me today after getting pressure from her family because I'm not the same religion. The constant stream of rejection, the intense Loneliness, and the fear over being fucked in my career after working so hard to get to where I was just 8 short months ago is beyond what I can comprehend. I'm genuinely concerned for my safety tonight and really thinking about getting myself put on a psych hold. A breakup shouldn't put me into such a dark place but I have nothing left and I don't know what to do.
Someone please help me decide if getting hospitalized is worth fucking over my career worse than I already have or if I should just ride this out until morning while staring at an out on the table across from me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Difference between antidepressant starting side-effects and hypomania? Hey all,
So I've read about how SSRIs can send bipolar people who are misdiagnosed with unipolar depression / anxiety into hypomania or mania. I've also read that SSRIs can have activating effects during the start up period (including insomnia, restlessness, distractibility) that sound similar to some of the symptoms of hypomania.
So if someone starting and SSRI experiences trouble sleeping, restlessness, increased energy, increased distractibility, periods of euphoria, spends money like it's nothing, increased pressure to talk/sing/dance, increased responses to music and caffeine, starting up old hobbies, etc., how can they know whether it's a combination of start-up side effects of the SSRI + feeling (much) better from the SSRI (or maybe placebo / excitement from doing something about the depression) or an antidepressant-induced hypomanic episode?
I know it's a question for a professional but I like to hear experiences also.
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self.bipolar
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Did this awesome thing and moved across the country ... I lived in Florida and had a great job at a local bar and made good money for the work. Lived at a guys house and had a good life.
Decided to move to Colorado well just because I had the money saved up and I was bored with life. I packed up my car to the top, found a place to live on Craigslist and just drove up. Its cool up here, roommate is nice but... I don't have a job which is okay since i have a good amount saved up (like 5 months worth) but i started to look for some work b/c I do like working and have had ZERO luck.
I have 24 hours/7days worth of free time and I do nothing. I go to the gym daily and yoga 5 days a week, cook for myself. Besides that I sit around the house. I get to smoke some great weed but only after 9pm (my own rule).
Back in Florida I didnt do much and now in Colorado i feel like im living the same life.
I just thought it would be different. its not and now I feel like I am wasting my time up here. At least in Florida I was making money instead of losing it..
I could just move back get my old job back but I cant. That would be so embarrassing to move back just after one month.
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self.depression
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I have a thing for a depressed girl and I don’t know what to do about it [deleted]
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self.depression
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downward spiral i dont know why im writing this, maybe to hold myself accountable in the future idk, maybe for advice? Im not really sure. Ive gotten into drugs and i fucking hate myself for it or maybe i just hate myself, it's hard to be certain. Its hard to be sure if my self loathement is what drove me to drugs or if my self loathement increased because of the shame I feel. It started with percocet, just a couple here and there and then soon I was taking it daily. Well that ran out, and now I'm taking Gabapentin. Yesterday I told myself that I would be clean that day, but I ended up taking 5 of them. Its a nasty habit but I cant explain the difference I feel when I'm on it versus when I'm off it.
its like when I'm on it, I love life again, I feel excited and inspired and passionate and at home with myself. these are things that I dont experience in my daily life normally. And then when I'm off it, not only am I sad again but I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Today I haven't taken any, i feel sick. Like honestly sick. I feel sad and messed up and alone. so fucking alone. which is ridiculous because I'm sitting on a campus surrounded by thousands of people who I know would love to be my friend.
From the outset, I look like i have everything. Great school, great grades, great family, and I used to have a great personality. Idk, I just have these issues inside of me that I can't explain. Just this darkness that looms inside of me and then surrounds me. It came like three years ago and now has become a dominant part of me that I've tried to handle but have failed.. this is what drove me pill popping, and i hate myself for it
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self.offmychest
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So god damn alone You know the worst part about my loneliness? I did it to myself.
I distance myself from all my friends as soon as they got a little bit further away. Less than a week ago, I made one new friend. The first in two years. It hasn't been a week and the crippling fear of being alone again is kicking in. She has this group of friends, and she's real close with them. And then there's me. The outcast loner trying to join in. I feel so out of place and alone and I'm doing it to myself again.
But,
She feels the same. I know because she's told me. My newest friend, with close friends, whom she has history with, is as lonely as me. As afraid of being alone as me. I find it comforting and sad and maddening.
While I could be attempting to further a connection, instead I am steadily drifting further away already, writing this dumbass thing. So fuck me, I hate myself. I am a trash person who will die alone, with the only person to blame being themself.
Just had to say this somewhere, because if I say it to her, she's more likely to realize she should stay the fuck away from me, because I am a well of toxicity that hurts everything it touches by simply being itself and pushing those who love it away. Guess that's all.
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self.offmychest
|
Doesn’t feel like thanksgiving I see all my friends on Snapchat have fun and hang out with their friends and family on thanksgiving but for me, my thanksgiving has been pretty lackluster. It was just a regular dinner with my brother and dad. We barely spoke (like our usual dinners)
I feel like this happens to every holidays.
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self.depression
|
The History of My Teeth For some people it is not a secret that I have a problematic relationship with my teeth. I used to drink a lot of energy drinks, soda, and eat/drink a bunch of other things that did my teeth no favour. I was also terrible when it came to brushing my teeth. My technique was probably nothing to brag about, but even if it were, I could go days without even brushing them. As a result, I've had a lot of cavities. I've since fixed them and I will tell you more about what I've done.
First of all, my technique nowadays is fine. I floss, I brush, and I use mouthwash regularly. However, years of "abuse" have set its mark on my teeth. I bleached my teeth to fix the discoloration (did so last year), I'm currently undergoing a treatment called "invisalign" to straighten up my teeth. The color of my teeth are, according to my dentist, within what's normal. My teeth are pretty straight, but not 100 percent.
I also run a strict diet where I don't allow myself anything that can harm my teeth. I drink water and milk. I do not eat candy or anything else with tons of sugar in it, and I also stay away from a lot of different kinds of fruits and berries. Dark berries can stain your teeth. Not to mention the pH-values. I only allow myself bananas and strawberries, and I make sure to rinse my teeth with either water or milk afterwards. I stay away from drinks that are hot. Christmas, birthdays etc. are no exceptions, as I will not eat any cakes or drink anything that can potentially harm my teeth.
Yes, this is kind of limiting. I don't particularly enjoy it, but I feel as if I have no choice.
Even so, with this strict regimen, I just found out that I have five cavities. FIVE. Now, I had a bunch of small ones a year ago, but they weren't large enough to do anything with. The five cavities I have aren't new ones, but they've just grown larger. The others I have are the same size as they were a year ago, and I don't need to do anything with them. This struck me as very odd, but apparently, even if your dental hygiene is good, they can grow larger anyway. And yes, I am very sure that my dental hygiene is good. So is my dentist.
Anyway, this feels like such a defeat. It's like getting punched in the stomach. Each of these cavities will make my teeth look worse, and the others will eventually make my teeth look worse. This is a terrible feeling. It's like I'm staying away from almost everything for no reason at all. I'm trying to get my teeth to look as good as possible. I'm trying to keep them from getting any worse. It feels almost like a battle I can't win.
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self.offmychest
|
im going to fucking do it it's fucking time I have shit stacked in front of my door and I've already burnt fucking cigarette holes into my shoulder it's fucking time I can't do this anymore there's no point
update: im ok... Just in the hospital fucked up my arm really bad ..
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self.depression
|
Constant physical dysphoric feeling in chest most of the time I can only describe it similar to a hard drug comedown (coke or mdma) but not quite as intense but thats there most of the time. I see alot of people on this sub have alot of things that bother them and lots of cycling negative thoughts. I generally dont ruminate on negative things but do have a hard time staying motivated and concentrating due to just generally not feeling good physically most of the time.
Is this depression or something else?
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self.depression
|
I'm going to jump off a freeway bridge. I've been depressed and suicidal for 4 years now and I can't deal with it anymore. I've tried everything. I've been on numerous anti depressants, talked to a therapist and other family members about it and I can't seem to find a solution. So I'm going to kill myself because I don't see any other way. And don't tell me "people care about you and will mourn for you" shit, it wouldn't matter if I'm dead. I'm finally going to do it and I'm so ready to finally kill myself I don't enjoy living anymore. I won't have to suffer anymore it would just all be gone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Would any one really miss me? I'm 41 got a great woman. Well had idk I cheated on her lied to her. Now she's been really searching everything in my phone. Well I believe I'm losing her and skiing with her there is two great kids. I love them all with all my heart and soul would and have have to everything for them . Been teased and ridiculed my whole life it seems. Don't really have what you'd call friends never really did. Not one person ever calls me or Messengers me or texts me. Nothing not even my own family . So again I'm going to ask who would really miss me if I was gone? I'm going to say no one. Really don't want to live. 😢
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'd rather suffer in silence and pretend things are ok, than face resentment I literally don't know how to stand up for myself: I've always had trouble with it in the past, and it ends up other people have to ask certain things for me. I am faced with my room being closest to the kitchen and currently a housemate is talking loudly with his friends and cooking in the kitchen. I think it breaks the house rules (I got from the landlord), and multiple times I've thought of just peeping my head out and saying be quiet, but I've felt I can't say it in any way nicely; I am just annoyed, so instead of risking me looking annoyed to others when there are all happy and then calling me out on ruining the fun (as has happened in the past), I choose to suffer and trick my brain into thinking it's ok, I'll "deal with it" and wait until it ends. But it is distracting me and I am unable to concentrate (even though me spending most of my time huddled in the room is not exactly a way to concentrate anyway).
Seriously I've felt like chasing them out like a grumpy old man might do.
I dunno, maybe I keep rationalising, "next time I'll tell them", but I don't know. I'm just feeling inaction etc.
I thought of telling the landlord directly without talking to the housemate (I have talked to him before), but then I thought it wouldn't be a good courtesy to him, to get the shock possible announcement of him possibly getting evicted and trying to figure out who it was that dobbed him in.
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self.depression
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Dissociation (a poem) I saw a light in her eyes, in an old photo;
it was gone before I met her.
Although I’ll never see her again,
I hope it comes back.
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self.offmychest
|
Don't get in a long-distance relationships if you're depressed and suicidal. Because going from a few weeks of spending every single hour with your loved one, then suddenly having to go back to instant messages and video chats, it fucks you up real good. I'm suicidal as fuck, but the guilt of hurting him is stopping me from doing anything stupid ... so what will I do? Eat. As if I wasn't fat enough already.
Someone put me to sleep for a few weeks until I get over it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
20th birthday today... I could not feel any worse. I've only been depressed for a year and a half and don't understand how people can go an entire lifetime feeling like this. It has been almost 2 years since I graduated high school and I'm still a kissless virgin, no friends, unemployed, $0 to my name. I live at home with my parents, and all my anxiety and depression allow me to do is to be on the computer or lay in bed all day. That's been my life since graduating high school, when I'm not attending classes at CC.
I've always struggled with anxiety and self-esteem issues while growing up. I was bullied and teased throughout middle and high school and didn't have the courage to defend myself. My friends would abandon me to hang out with girls all the time, and they would never invite me because they knew how awkward I was around girls and made everyone feel weird. I can't really blame them but I can't deny that it hurt. So I was alone most of the time. I've always hated myself and knew I was a loser. But while still in high school, despite all this, I wasn't depressed. I was happy going throughout my day alone, not talking to anyone, coming home and playing Skyrim for hours on end. I guess I just had this false idea that everything would be so much better after graduating high school... I imagined I'd go to school, get a good job, meet a girl, have my own family, and live a content life. It was comforting to think about and I imagined it would all work out eventually. This optimism is what kept me from falling to depression, but that quickly faded after graduating. Despite my efforts, my anxiety and depression have not allowed me to get anywhere in my life. I'm still the same guy I was when I graduated, except I'm riddled with crippling anxiety and depression now.
So here I am, 20 years old today. Officially in my 20s... that period of time in life where I'm supposed to have fun, discover myself, build relationships, and work on my career... yet all I want to do lay in bed and try not to think about my problems and the anxiety they bring me. I'm probably going to spend the rest of the day in bed... :(
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self.depression
|
Coping mechanism I've used, weird I like those dreams where you feel like you're falling. No kidding the second I realize it's one of those dreams my mood is brought up from the adrenaline rush and when I wake up I feel so incredible though not scared.
So I use this as a coping mechanism: imagine myself freefalling (not suicidal!!!) For eternity. The falling experience is just so amazing. I have a fear of heights not sure how it's related though...
Thoughts?
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self.Anxiety
|
How do you know you feel how you want vs how bipolar makes you feel? Haven't been diagnosed yet, positive its coming though. How long does it normally take?
Recently I decided I wanted my hair cut and dyed. I've got this way before but im on meds and I don't know if they are kicking in and I really want my hair cut and dyed or if its hypomania. How do you know its really what you want?
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self.bipolar
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It's been a year since that New Years kiss, and I still think of you. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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How to deal with an asshole psychiatrist? I'll keep this short:
She lies to me about medication not having side effects.
She doesn't trust anything I say or think.
When I complain about a doctor she tells me that I am paranoid (previous doctor told me to quit my meds due to the fact that I hadn't a chance to go to a lab).
I had to fix my fucked up sleep rhythm once by having an all-nighter and she threatenef me with psych ward because I was "manic".
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self.bipolar
|
Exes are off limits. Seems to be a polarizing opinion but most of my friends agree that it's pretty shitty of my so-called friend to start dating my ex. Not just any ex, the one who was basically my first everything, and the one who cheated on me, lied to me, manipulated me, etc. And one of my closest friends who I've known since 9th/10th grade. There are unspoken social rules, lines, boundaries. Or at least, there should be if you have any respect for your friend. Friends don't do that.
Yeah, I get it, they're adults who can make their own decisions. There's no "right" or "wrong" choice. Except imo, there definitely is a wrong choice, and it's the one she chose. Sure it's not my place to say who can and can't be together but I made it extremely clear that it was crossing a line that I wasn't comfortable with and she didn't care. She straight up told me she didn't care. Some friend.
Go find literally anyone else who makes you happy. There are billions of people on this planet and you have to have my first. Fuck yourself.
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self.offmychest
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Finally, actually want to be dead I've been suicidal on and off for 25 years. I've had good years and bad, and my family and loved ones were who I lived for when times were bad. About 6 years ago I stopped talking to my mother. Last year my wife and I split up. Last month my dad died. And now the closest thing I have to a girlfriend might move away.
Now, without someone who will definately be fucked if I'm dead I'm free to really just wish I was dead. I've thought life was a shitty game I'd rather quit since middle school and now I could do it. Not this year but maybe next. I could stop returning calls, stop going out, get all my friends used to the idea of not seeing me, and then drive off to where they wont find the body.
I used to have a very barren life, and I build one back up out of the rubble. I don't really want to do that again, I'd rather just quit. I'm sick of dependents, of loss, of worry. I don't want to go out and build up connections worth living for again, but living without them seems impossible.
On my drive home tonight I, for the first time, wanted to tie a noose, just to feel it. Or to have a gun, and see if it fit in my mouth, and how it would be, as last meals go.
I don't even feel crazy, just tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I know Im ruining my life but dont care enough to do anything about it [deleted]
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self.depression
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I just want to talk to someone I posted here before right before I ended up admitting myself into a mental hospital (17f). I still feel low a month and a half out of there and I started counting out pills the other day and I know I'm still not okay. Diagnosed almost 2 years ago as bipolar. Just stopped seeing my therapist because she claims I'm resistant to change. I have about two friends irl and they aren't always there... I just want to talk to someone before I decide to actually attempt.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Still afraid to start my Trileptal.... I was supposed to start on Trileptal (300 mg for three nights, then 600 mg every night) two and a half weeks ago on top of the 37.5 mg Effexor XR I take in the morning. I’ve heard/read it’s a deadly combo. I go back to my psychiatrist next Friday and he called me today to see how I was doing.... yeah I didn’t listen to you and never took those meds. UGH!
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self.Anxiety
|
Can't tell my therapist- help? I feel embarrassed to tell my therapist I'm going through depression again. It's been mostly anxiety and I've been pretty stable since I started seeing her this year and she's very helpful with my anxiety and confidence issues in that she tells it how it is and is a badass and I look up to her. But I'm ashamed to tell her I want to die. And tomorrow is or last session before I leave the country for 3 months and I'm afraid she will tell someone I shouldn't go. I'm studying abroad and hoping it will help me to get out and force myself to do shit. :/ should I tell her?
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self.SuicideWatch
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No one to talk to. I’m fucking depressed. My family is not a family to me. Just people I live with. My boyfriend is a piece of shit. I typed out a long and lengthy post about what’s going on and it keeps saying something went wrong. Story of my life. I wish ending it all was easy. I feel like I don’t want to die because my dog would be serverely depressed without me. I don’t know what to do.
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self.depression
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being in a relationship while having depression, whats it like? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Sometimes i just want to be gone in this world. Tired of fighting. Doing the same human things everyday.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Inability to Focus On Other Things I have a horrible time focusing on things around me. I feel so unaware of things around me because I am so focused on whats going on in my own head. Every ache and pain gets laser-focused on. Every day is filled with over-thinking. I have a hard time with mistakes and I generally avoid them and situations that may bring them. How much of this is anxiety? If I could treat my anxiety, could I focus on other things better?
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm a straight man but I really want to wear overalls You know those overalls, those ones that go down to your knees? I don't know why but I really want to buy a pair of them at a store and just walk around and wear them. I can't explain why: I like the big pocket in the front and the little straps that go over your shoulders. They look really comfortable, or something.
There aren't any other feminine clothes that appeal to me. In fact, I don't really like any women's clothes, I think a lot of them look overly sensual and weird. But I like those overall shorts.
Whenever I walk past a woman wearing them, I get jealous. Not because I want to be a woman (I am perfectly content in my male body), but because I want to wear them. It's not fair, I wish we lived in a society where men could wear whatever they want and not get judged for it. If we did I would go to the clothes store and buy a pair of overall shorts and just wear them.
I'm scared of wearing them. I'm scared that people will see me and think I'm a crazy person and they don't want to talk to me. But I'm also scared that people will think I'm a female poser or want to be female and I will have to explain to them over and over no, I'm not, that's not it at all, and they will keep on asking me questions, like what are you then? I'm scared that people will stare at me, or talk down to me, or treat me like a lower member of society in general.
I don't think that they look bad on men. I have seen a man who was brave enough to wear some bright yellow ones in public. He looked funny and different, but I think they looked pretty good on him. He is skinny like me and about the same height as me (5'9'') so I bet I could probably wear them too.
I haven't told anyone about this problem. No one knows, not my parents, friends, no one. Granted, I'm a secretive person and I'm scared to tell people many things. But I'm really scared about telling people about my desire to wear overalls because for the same reasons I mentioned earlier, I'm afraid that people will judge me or make assumptions.
Also it's not like I'm OBSESSED with wearing overall shorts. I don't spend every night wishing I could wear them. I like other things too, like listening to music, writing poetry sometimes, playing guitar, going on hikes, talking about philosophy, eating good food (I like Indian food a lot). It's not like I'm suicidal because I can't wear them, or I have mental breakdowns because I can't wear them. I just want to be able to wear them, and not in the privacy of my room, but in public, out in the world and not get judged.
Thank you for reading.
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self.offmychest
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I have a crippling drug addiction and want to end everything [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone have any advice regarding increasing motivation and energy? I’ve been suffering from major depressive disorder for 14 years now. It’s only been in the last 3 years that I’ve found a combination of meds and therapy that have been helpful in terms of making “function” somewhat normally. I’m currently on 40 mg of celexa, 450 mg of Wellbutrin, and 20 mg of adderall (I take the adderall twice a day, total of 40 mg).
That being said, I still can’t find myself having any energy or motivation whatsoever. I’ve wasted the last two days mostly sleeping all day or watching bad Christmas movies and nonsense. I have things that I genuinely want to do and want to achieve, but I find it next to impossible to get myself to do them.
I’ve been trying to workout regularly, which I’ve been managing 3-4 times a week since March of this year, but it hasn’t helped with any of that. And the last 6 weeks I’ve been slacking on that and just eating like garbage. I’ve tried drinking coffee or taking caffeine, but none of that has helped whatsoever. It just makes me feel sick, like I’m going to throw up.
I’d love to get some of your guys’ thoughts on what’s worked for you or anything that you may have tried. Thanks all!
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self.depression
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Jordan Peterson's message about overcoming existential fear and anxiety translates perfectly to Lord Huron's album "Strange Trails" -links inside. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I Love You More Than You Love Yourself I've been listening to this song by Austra on repeat for weeks now. The music video is pretty cool as well.
I think it really captures the essence of how a partner of a depressed person feels in a relationship sometimes. At least I think mine does feel like this when I'm going through bad episodes.
In an interview with nylon.com, vocalist Katie Stelmanis had the following to say:
''A song written about loving someone with depression and how difficult it can be to reach them, to make them feel loved, and how frustrating it is when they cannot find happiness. It’s about trying to make a connection, a task that often just feels impossible.''
The lyrics:
There is nothing in your soul tonight
I only see darkness
And there is nothing in your soul tonight
I only see darkness
The past, how thick it grows
Shakes up what you didn’t know
Proceeding, try a little bit harder, baby
You’re indifferent
You’re a stranger to what makes you feel good
I love you more than you love yourself
I love you more than you love yourself
On top of it
Pulling out the nails
In a moment of calm
Still feels good
But it's been so long
There is nothing in your soul tonight
I only see darkness
And there is nothing in your soul tonight
I only see darkness
The past, how thick it grows
Shakes up what you didn’t know
Proceeding, try a little bit harder, baby
You’re indifferent
You’re a stranger to what makes you feel good
I love you more than you love yourself
I love you more than you love yourself
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self.depression
|
Anyone else get so hung up on thinking about what could go wrong that they forget what could go right? It seems like whenever I have the option to take a risk I always think too much about what could go wrong then remove the possibility that it can turn out positive from my mind.
For example if I like a girl and want to ask her out Ill instantly think of what happens if she says no and prepare myself for that outcome to the point that Im convinced she will say no no matter what.
Or if I go for an interview I instantly think about what will happen if they ask an awkward question I know nothing about then forget that they probably wont and if they do they'll understand if I cant give an answer.
I know this is probably been said on this sub a thousand times so sorry but Im new here and I just needed to type this out to someone to get it off my chest.
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self.Anxiety
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I am in a financial black hole and want to kill myself to save my son from this life. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just realized something... Ever since I was extremely depressed from summer 2016 I've been getting better and better with each day, to a point where I've been "good", at least the same as before I got it (to clarify: the beginning was a burst into depression no "fade in" while getting out of it was slowly "fade out") but since then I've been getting even better and better, which leads me to question what is the chance I've got bipolar disorder and I'm slowly getting maniac?
It's not that just because I'm getting better I think I could become maniac, but thinking on a "week" scale (if we take it on a day/hour scale of course it's not happening, my mood changes often in a day and that has been all my life) I can't recall a moment where I've been feeling better than how I feel now, in any point in time; example: Right now I "am" better than 10 days ago, 10 days ago I was better than 3 weeks ago, etc. Obviously on a day/hour scale it doesn't work, but that is because well life events happen and everyone can have a bad day, I can recall a point in time obviously where I have been feeling worse than a day before, or any point in time where I've been feeling better than a few minutes ago, or an hour ago. But bipolar disorder doesn't happen on a day/hour scale but on a week/month scale. (the length of the mood swings)
What I actually fear the worst is that with the power of self-susceptibility (bias/placebo/whatever they call it today) I'll actually convince myself I have those things without having them just because of the idea today..
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self.bipolar
|
I think I'm heartbroken The future is terrifying but the future with nobody who loves me? That's even worse man
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self.SuicideWatch
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My brother Ive told my brother about me wanting to die, I’ve shown him my self harm cuts, I’ve told him why, and I’ve even told him how I want to commit suicide. And you know what that jackass decides to do? First, he doesn’t care about the fact Im even considering this shit, second, he calls me selfish, third, he mocks me for one reason I’m suicidal, fourth, he says mockingly “ooooh my life so hard!”
I don’t even feel like anyone in my life cares about me except for like two people. It’s so hard to find more reasons to keep on living. I’m miserable, and it’s so hard to even keep living.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish people would actually show me they care instead of just saying it in hopes of making me feel better.. it Just makes me feel like they’ll say anything to get me to shut up..
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self.depression
|
I dont know what to do anymore For the past few days, I've been miserable. Hit a new low kinda miserable. My parents snapped at me, not knowing so. They threatened to kick me out and so i just walked out. Grabbed my pack and just ran. They tried to bring me back. T'was a whole chase scene with jumping over walls and shet.
But i couldn't. After however many hours, I went back. I never got anything when I returned but a single lecture about how nobody is gonna care if I do it again bc I'm 19. They're probably right.
Word travels fast in my family, and I believe I've ruined New Years for everyone. I dont want to face everyone anymore. None of them understand what I'm going through. I have no friends to talk to anymore. My brother and sister ignore me and dont like me. My parents also ignore what I'm going through and suggest that I shouldnt be depressed bc theyre depressed even more. All my aunts and uncles who think they help say that too.
Im rambling at this point...
Right now, im laying in my bed, legs sore, body numb, and drowning in despair. I dont know where to go. I want to end it but im afraid to. I want leave but i dont know where to go. And even if i do, i wont know how to start my life back again and for that, I'm scared. Even so, im considering doing things i would never have done before.
This was a long post. Any help would be greatly appreciated if I get any. Just ranting a bit and knowing this is out to the world helps just a little.
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self.depression
|
Just bipolar things... I was reading a post recently^[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/7utgjj/have_you_ever_felt_a_kindredness_of_mind_with/) that reminded me of a post^[2](https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/3f0sae/you_know_you_are_bipolar_when/?sort=confidence) from more than two years ago. I thought I'd bring it back, because I think it was one of the coolest threads I can remember on this sub.
For those who didn't read the links above, the idea is to share distinctively bipolar things. Things that when you do, you're reminded you're definitely bipolar. What are distinctively bipolar things about you?
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self.bipolar
|
Why is it that a constant self-blame always always accompanies my anxiety? It’s as if I could have prevented everything that could or has gone wrong, and I’m just calling myself garbage more and more.
Like if I’m stressed about homework I tell myself I should be more committed or done some of it earlier in the week, instead of considering the fact that I’m taking some very hard upper division college classes.
Or if I’m stressed about a pimple, I kick myself for not washing my face good enough.
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self.Anxiety
|
Just found out that the chances of death per attempt for suicide among young people is less than 1% Sobering
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do you ever wished you would just die I sometimes just think "Why am I not dead. why world, why just won't kill me" honestly if there was a god why would he let me be so alone and miserable
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self.depression
|
i want to hurt myself for attention this is something i've felt like for a while, but an incident (dumb fight that i wasn't really involved in but had to run damage control on between my friends) brought up the feelings again, full-force. all of my friends have very visible breakdowns that cause them to have attention when they need it, often from me. i have a lot of bottled up issues, but because i've been in therapy for anxiety for years i have ways of dealing with my issues by myself and not showing them off. because all my friends are very vocal or visible with their issues, they get all kinds of attention and sympathy, but because i am so quiet about my own, everyone assumes i'm fine and don't need that same kind of attention.
i can't ask for it - i don't know how, don't think the role reversal will be well-received, and it would make me feel pathetic. because i don't know how, i feel like partaking in "cry for help" behaviors would be the best way to get it. i know this is kind of fucked up, because people don't usually do this sort of thing consciously, but the idea popped into my head last night and i can't get it out. i want to sleep all day and see if anyone cares, or maybe slam my hand into a wall so people will ask about the bruise. hopefully that'll lead to them figuring out i did it to myself, and they'll realize i need help or attention or something. i even fantasize about worse things happening to me, like getting really sick or hit by a car or something so that i'll be the biggest problem for once, the person most deserving of sympathy.
i'm worried if i do this it won't work out the way i want it to. i'm not sure if my friends are capable of providing me with the same kind of support i give them, and it might even make THEIR mental state worse, which would be bad of its own right but also make my life even harder. i want to bury all my feelings again so my life will run smoothly, but the thoughts are still there. it's absurd that i'm so attention starved that this is what it's come to. i'm not sure if i'll actually do it, because i'm overly-rational and kind of a baby about pain. i'm just not sure where to go from here.
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self.offmychest
|
I never believe people when they say they like me. No matter how hard I try, I just can't process the concept that someone likes me. When they say it, I feel like I'm someone other than myself and that *that's* the person they're talking to, not actually me. I really don't know how to process the thought of someone liking me -- it's so alien to me, it makes no sense. So I find myself factually knowing that they like me but emotionally knowing that they hate me, or doing mental gymnastics to figure out why they'd say they like me when really they hate me, because that's the only possibility. I can't tell anyone that, though, because I don't have the courage to be honest with anyone I know personally, so I guess I'm just posting this to hear from anyone who feels the same way. I don't want to be alone in this.
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self.depression
|
I just started a class and I already want to give up Hey, new here, I was hoping I could share/vent a little.
So, I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for most of my life, I have been to therapy but last year it was decided it was time for me to try to fly on my own, and while certain things improved, almost everything else remained the same, as in I have no social life, no friends and no romantic connections, but that's a story for another day.
Anyway, I like creating art, even though it's incredibly hard for me to find motivation, and it's been months since I've done anything, so I finally decided to get up and do something, and today I started the figure drawing class from a local school I took some classes a couple of years ago. I'm gonna be honest, I got into the class not so much because I want to fix my rusty drawing skills (which I do), but because I want to meet people, and I got there and everything and everyone seemed so, I don't know, daunting? It's a way to describe it, it seems like some people in the group already know each other from other courses, and I just, I just did my work, the instructor is nice and she even praised my work, but, I just feel so uncomfortable, it's just been one class and I already want to quit, but I know I won't get anything done if I don't put myself out there.
The last time I tried to meet people was a complete failure. I'm just so lonely.
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self.depression
|
Why does it have to get worse not better even if I'm trying Hi,
My name is Martins and I'm 23y old M..
For years I've been fighting depression, but never actually doing enough to improve my quality of life.
Life became increasingly stressful at the end of last year due to the car issues, financial issues, tight schedule, anxiety and poor ability to sleep. I still somehow managed and actually started to do something about my situation, e.g., I asked a girl out at the end of the year, but she responded that she'll respond later. which was fine until 2-3 weeks ago when she actually responded (you can read my post about it on r/rant I think).
Btw I started taking anti-depressants on January to finally fight depression seriously.
So a month ago I am considering a new job opportunity I am being offered and I was doubting myself since I love my current colleagues, but I knew I couldn't go on in the current job. And 2-3 weeks ago a friend of mine died and AT THE SAME WEEK the girl I asked out last year finally responded "We can go out" - obviously it was a huge turmoil within me and we agreed on date on the next Monday (after funeral week before). It was A HUGE turmoil for me - I've never been so stressed in my life (I think). I even got ill at the weekend due to immunity drop and I don't usually get sick.
Anyway date passes, it feels better, but the background stress is never eliminated. I finally decide on quitting my current job. I submit the form and I have to work a month more before I can formally quit. Obviously this puts a lot of guilt on my shoulders since opinion of me is super important me. My supervisor is angry with me and she and another one of my colleagues ( a friend of mine) doesn't like the new company I'm going to. Obviously more stress on my shoulders. Then I go out on the Friday and to kill time I spend it with 3 of my colleagues, including the friend and my supervisor. I thought that would be a great idea to ease up on the decision here, but nope, my supervisor starts to basically explain what a bad worker I am and how she is such a great employee - obviously most of it is bullshit fueled by anger, but I'll be damned if that wasn't necessary for me at the moment. That weekend I am having some kind of mental breakdown and me and a buddy of mine instead of ending it all decide to let's travel one way to hotter climate country.
My buddy lost his passport on the way, so another country didn't work out obviously, but that didn't stop us from traveling to farther city of our country. I spent 80% what I had on account. Didn't show up on work for that week. didn't answer calls or messages on the phone. There was a lot of guilt and at one point I reached a new low point of my life where I was 2inches from being dead. But also it was a great adventure we had - maybe one day I'll tell about it on another post. So I calm down and consult my mom on the phone (psychiatrist) she finds another psychiatrist I can go to. So we get back, i take an extra financial credit to pay for my vehicle credit. Yesterday I finally meet the psychiatrist - she's a good doctor. I explain everything, she says due to my mother having /some/ illness from childhood, before we start feeding you additional supplements, we have to exclude you don't have any other causes for the current emotional state. I agree, since it only makes sense.
So she says I should first get a electroencephalography, MR just for the head and blood sample analyses. I say ok, fine, I'll do just that.
Today I am looking at prices for the cheapest of that package and it's around 170eur+ (200usd+). And I only have 130EUR left on my account for this month. If I would go through government clinics it might be cheaper, but the line might be 1-3 months and I feel like I don't have 1-3 months to just "forget" about my current mental and employment state. I know my doctor and family would understand me about the state of my finances, but I am too ashamed to admit this. My father (where I live) has no idea about my mental state since day-to-day I act pretty level headed, but I am falling apart here. I don't know how to handle this. Add to this I have extra guilt for not showing up at work.
Obviously people around me don't understand what it's like to have mental problems to this scale - my doctor obviously does, but that doesn't mean I will start opening up more after years of lock down.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
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self.depression
|
I think the rain clouds are going away I had a very awkward conversation with my mom in which I came clean. I mentioned my suicidal thoughts and issues with self-esteem as well as the child abuse I’ve suffered.
I went to see a psychiatrist and I have more appointments soon. I’ve been prescribed faverin and I’m feeling hopeful. If it weren’t for my friends and close family I would’ve killed myself a very long time ago. Maybe I can repay them later?
I’ll never leave this sub even if I finally become happy. No one deserves the rain clouds. If you are able to, please see a psychiatrist or therapist. No hesitation. Peace y’all ✌️
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy right now Hello all.
A little backstory to make this *hopefully* make more sense.
One of my small victories in life is doing grocery shopping alone. Being able to go at my own pace, see what new items they have, check out sales, etc.
A few months ago my brother in law moved in with me and my husband. My brother in law has a touch of autism, so most of the time he doesn't realise when he's being an asshole. He effectively refuses to leave the house unless promised a movie, or food. He doesn't work, he doesn't help around the house. All he does is play GTA 5, all day long.
Because of his refusal to leave, my husband tries to get him out of the house as much as possible. Just for a little human interaction.
Unfortunately, that means I get roped into taking him grocery shopping with me every damn time I go now. Me and my BIL do not get along well at all. He's a very negative person, personality wise. And because of my anxiety, I don't handle negativity well, I spent years weeding out the negative people in my life. And now I'm forced to live with one.
I think my husband thinks that by making me take him shopping with me that it will get us to like each other more. Unfortunately it's just making the wedge between us bigger.
Grocery shopping used to be my little weekly escape from life, I used to genuinely love doing it. Now I can't even enjoy that.
As I'm typing this, I'm waiting for him to finish one of his stupid damn "missions" in the game so we can leave to go shopping.
I am literally in tears because of how much I am dreading this.
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self.Anxiety
|
Trans and I Am Objectively Lesser Because of It there is no upside to being defective like this. i don’t understand what pride i’m supposed to find in myself or what contentment exists when i am not even a person i can tolerate being, much less a person i want to be. for all my schooling and all the effort i put into transition starting in late college years i maybe look mostly like a woman if you don’t deal with me closely or on a frequent basis, but i have to be aware of the rest of me that i hide under the clothes and makeup where i struggle to make it look like i’m not wearing as much makeup as i am. i’m not even that femme but any time i tried dressing more normal and less
like the super femme stereotype everyone cites as a reason i clearly think of women the same way men do people can tell i’m a disgusting monster from blocks away and cue the harrassment and sometimes physical attacks and sexual assaults because even though no one will ever choose me over a real woman and i will die alone it is apparently a real turn-on to sexually brutalize a thing like me.
i don’t have a future. why does everyone talk to me like i’m an especially stupid child or fragile crazy person if i happen to reach out to the few friends i have (who didn’t drift away after the novelty of hanging out with a shemale that miraculously isn’t a dangerous pervert or caricature wears off) to mention that i’m having trouble seeing anything to live for? is it really that irrational? i wanted to be the me i always felt i should have been and that me is female but i can’t even come close so i’m some pathetic compromise that no one thinks of in the same category as “female” or “woman.” the nicest people approach it more like “whatever you say” but the instinctual reaction is to count me out.
i don’t blame anyone for this but i don’t know how to begin figuring out the specifics of who i am when i can’t even be the right sex for it. sure i can buy a fake vagina made out of penis that doesn’t function properly or connect to any of the internal parts it exists to connect to in literally every actual woman and most people make fun of the idea of it and/or think it’s disgusting.
i don’t know how to do anything with this absolute mess i was handed at this point besides tossing it out completely. i had hope i could make the hell i lived in tolerable when i started transitioning but i was stupid back then. there was never any hope. i’m glad i tried even though killing myself back then would have saved the years of pain from trying and failing to achieve the basic god damn point of the transition in the first place: being female. and things are better than they were but they can never be right! i can only be this half-woman that the sub-groups of women that i would have been part of if i weren’t a freak define essentially as a man that they need space away from. so i like women but i can’t be a lesbian and i’m not a straight man but no woman who likes women wants something like me and for all the feminist thought i’ve been taking in since late middle school i’m on the periphery of that too...
i’m just nothing.
why is it so absurd that i feel loneliness, sadness, and shame in this absolutely ridiculous and miserable defect of birth or psychology or whatever and don’t even want to find a way to slog through it for—shit, FIFTY more years at least? for no payoff. i die alone and a joke now or after being a joke for another fifty years while still dealing with the same money problems and personal issues that normal people have to deal with, only my social life is a wreck, my career will never go anywhere unless i make a miraculous connection, and i have to live in this repulsive shell as a person i don’t want to be the whole shameful time. everything is so empty and pointless but i’m crazy or childish for being tired and in pain and not looking forward to seeing what being a freakish pariah for fifty more years will be like.
please don’t be mad at me there’s just no place in this species for defective specimens like me. i don’t blame anyone for that because it’s absurd that anyone is born this fucked up in the first place. i just don’t want to go on being a failed female when there’s nothing left for me in the world. all the more space and resources for people who actually have a chance and who want to live the lives they were given.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
The only way I can get anyone to give me attention or talk to me is by taking my clothes off. People are only interested when it is sexual. I feel very sad.
|
self.depression
|
I’m ready to give up I’m a 17 year old girl, and I’m just done with everything. I’m so depressed and lonely, and most of it is my fault because I fuck everything up. I can’t keep on going like this. I’ll think I’m getting better, and then I come crashing down again. I can’t escape my OCD and depression. I absolutely hate myself. Every single thing about me.
I just want the pain to stop. That’s all. But it won’t. I’ve been waiting for so long but it keeps on going. I’ve tried therapy and medication, but I still want to die. I do not think I was cut out for this world. My death will not have an effect on many people, but it will stop my pain and that’s all I want.
I just wish I never existed at all sometimes. I don’t deserve to live. I am worthless and nobody can convince me otherwise, because it’s true.
Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. But for now, all I want is to die. I’ll probably fulfill that wish eventually.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
There is something wrong with me, and I don't know what to do. I know there are a lot of comments and memes around claiming they don't like company, prefer animals to humans, want to be left alone, hate parties, don't care about humanity and all those things; but iIm not that, I actually feel a lot like that.
I've had friends throughout school, but I never felt the need to contact them or invite them to anything. They did, and when we went to different schools, we lost contact, mostly because I never tired to keep it up. They were out of my daily life, I didn't need them anymore.
As I got older, I tried dating. I kissed some guys. I didn't have sex yet. I'm 26, I know I should have, and I'm vaguely asahmed to admit it. But I don't feel the need. I do dabble in porn, ocassionally, but it's more habitually feel-good relaese. I can do without. I don't want a relationship. Someone else in my personal space all the time? I'd have to look halfway presentable all the time, I'd have to change my shirts twice every day (I swat in hot weather, a lot, I's uncomfortable), I'd have to stop all "rude" behaviour...no thank you.
But I know that's wrong. I should want a partner who accepts me even nasty. I just don't think a person like that exists, and I don't want to go through the troble of dressing up and dating whatever how many duds before I get the "right" one.
Also, I actually don't care about pretty much anybody. I would't give a damn if humans all died tomorrow; except my pets would be locked in to starve in my flat, and what if I survive? No doctors, no buyable food, potential marauding gangs? No thank you.
It's more than that, though. I remember when I was younger, my brother getting injured in an accident, and I was thinking was how i'm happy he lived, because if he didn't, my mother would have been sad, and that would have been troublesome; like I would have to make food. I remember when my elderly neighbour fell, and I heard them crying for help. And I did nothing. I don't know why, I just didn't feel like dealing with it. Someone called help, eventually, I never bothered to find out the details. I never look at homeless, don't care in the slightest about any refugees. As far as I'm concerned, they can behave like normal people and stay or fuck off.
I hate the idiot mountain bikers in that park, I wish them all dead. Expecting you to jump in the ditch beacise here they come. Hit a kid and killed a small dog and nothing. Literally, I saw one fall, bad and I laughed and walked off. I guess that means I feel something since I'm pissed. Mostly about the dog. I'm happy about the kid; nobody cares about a hit dog, they'll all just go on about how it should have been walking heel at a leash 100% of the time, but an injured kid means people will give their attention to the problem. I couldn't care less about owner, parent and brat themselves.
I have no real plans for the future. I don't want change. Dealing with new colleagues at a new job - ugh.
I know all of this is wrong. I should feel and think different. But I can't. I'm worried what society thinks about me, relationship-future-thought wise, but I find it so hard and dumb to follow that. And I find it harder and harder to bring myself to act accordingly. I don't know what to do.
|
self.offmychest
|
Driving I woke up this morning before my alarm after 4 hours of sleep, so that should have given me a clue. But, I didn't realize I'm probs going hypo until I began the usually 1 hour drive to a nearby city. I caught myself thinking "why is everyone driving so slow, it's like 6:30 am? Why doesn't my car have a gear higher than 5th? I wonder if I can make this drive in 45 minutes" And i looked at my speed dial and i was going 95. Ha
|
self.bipolar
|
Im starting on Zoloft today, has anyone had any luck with it? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Ladies of r/bipolar... I would love to have kids some day. I’m 25, and I’m watching so many of my peers get married and have kids. I’m only beginning my journey of getting better, and have only been on the right combo of psych meds for about two weeks now, but it’s really got me panicked about what a shit show it’ll be when I have to come off my meds to have a baby. Part of me feels that I shouldn’t even have kids, that I wouldn’t be able to cope with parenting and the guilt that having a kid with bipolar too would be unbearable. I know that’s not something that can happen for the next few years for me, but does anybody have any advice or inspiration on how they have coped or dealt with this situation?
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self.bipolar
|
It keeps coming back I'm honestly not sure _why_ I'm submitting this but I suppose I should do something.
I've tried, 3 times, throughout my life, each time getting worse in terms of impact on other people. The last one still makes me more uncomfortable than I'd think because I snapped out of it when it would have been too late, and I know I scared someone a lot. It has gotten bad enough that I had mentally "unrestricted" methods that I had sworn I would never consider.
I've gone through periods of feeling great, or at least capable, but it always comes back, and each time I get closer and closer. Every time I've tried to go through with it, afterwards I realized how people _would_ care if it happened, and that I'm not invisible or hated. The problem is that I forget these feelings. I know I felt them, but they don't seem real anymore.
I don't want to die sometimes, but every time it comes back it gets worse and worse.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I need some help. I am a 13 year old male and an only child. I just don't get why i am sad and want to die sometimes. My parents love me and don't do anything bad to me. They get me a lot of things and they make me happy. But I still feel sad. At school and at home I feel sad. At lunch I get happy because I talk to my friends but I end up feeling sad again and wanting to kill myself. I also am happy when I get home but end up sad again. I do get bullied sometimes at school. I have said that I wanted to kill myself to my friends. Some random people who overhear go and tell the guidance councelor and my parents get a call. They have wanted to help me by taking me to a therapist but didn't want to. They said that if they don't get any calls home that I wouldn't have to go, and I didn't. I don't know if I am trying to force myself to be sad, or I actually am sad. Maybe one of you can help.
Edit: I have been talking to my parents and they support me and said they will do anything to help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does Anxiety make anyone else itch? I get really bad itches all over my head when I’m having a bad episode of anxiety. Isn’t it just great when your heart is thumping, you’re talking to yourself, your body is shaking, you’re over analysing everything then all of a sudden you skin itches. How I’ve survived 37 years of this hell I’ll never know.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm everyone's biggest cheerleader, but I'm unable to do the same for myself I believe in everyone but myself.
It makes me want to sit and cry. I'm convincing my boyfriend's sister to chase a dream that was once mine, but that I could never achieve because I hate myself.
I want to die.
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self.depression
|
Called out of work cus of my depression today I’ve only done this one other time but I really hate myself for when I do this. I just wake up some days paralyzed with fear. It’s weird because I couldn’t sleep all night and I felt haunted by the demons that surround me but I kept shrugging it off. Then it got too close to the time to leave and I lied saying I threw up and lying makes me feel even more awful about myself, sorry this is just a rant I needed to get it off my chest. Even the smallest lies weigh my down..whatever I’ll just take a nap, thanks for reading.
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self.depression
|
What kind of medication works for you? How can I know if I have an anxiety disorder or not?
Who do I go to to get diagnosed and get meds?
What kind of meds work for you?
Sorry if this is a dumb question. I come from a family that doesn't really believe in mental health so I'm clueless.
|
self.Anxiety
|
In hospital - can't stop freaking out / shaking Admitted today for out of the blue possible appendicitis. Haven't slept for almost a day and am about to be left alone in the hospital. I'm freaking out and I can't stop shaking. I'm so scared about the possibility of surgery and something going wrong. I have this thing in my arm and I hate it, it makes me so uncomfortable and upset.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think I can keep on being useless [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Sexual assaults and our opinions #NSFW
I just need to put this in words & get it out of my head a bit, it's been stewing for a while and I really need to just get it off my chest, I'm not bothered about comments, but will probably respond if you do, but if it's like "sorry you experienced xyz" I'm ok, I don't need that but thanks.
My background: I'm female & have had multiple intances of what is considered sexual assult, ie: been groped/violated multiple times through my childhood and in my adulthood. I'm also a feminist, and belive strongly in equity, which is a word I've only recently (as in within this past month) discovered and a concept I'm striving to fully understand a learn from.
I think this background gives me a different opinion and an understanding of survivors. I think this doesn't mean my opinion is worth more than a man who has never experienced any kind of sexual assult and it really pisses me off that people think that. Yes my opionion does hold more weight because it's coupled with experience but this does not mean that a man/woman free of abuse is worth less. It fucking implies that men/women need that experience to understand rape is bad. Wtf.
In recent months/past year or so there's been a large amount of famous women and men who are coming out and sharing their stories to newspapers, on social media etc. particularly hashtags like #metoo with short stories of what happend and the like. I don't use twitter or facebook and can only go on what I've seen/experienced in person or in peoples attitudes or videos (which may be biased and influenced my opionion) on youtube and news articles.
I am so done with the two sided "OMG we need to support survivors of sexual assult because they're too afraid to come out" then the same people berate those who tell their story, they say things like "you should have done more" "you say it's not that big of a deal yet you are VICTIM!!!!" "Because you said nothing other people probably got raped"
Yes I think it's important that survivor realize how significant an assult is because speaking from experience, especially when you're young you have tendency to down play it and rationalize things as not bad because you don't like to think that a horrible thing happend to you. I've seen a few stories about women apoligizing after a "twitter backlash" after they were brave enough to come forward publicly they are then treated badly because they have done things to protect themselves (again, down playing/brushing it off).
I do think it's a small percent of people who say we need to support then they themselves revictimize a survivor. I think most people have the common decency to take a minuet and think before posting in response to a story or tweet about a situation. It's just the loud mouths that blot everyone else out and that sells papers/ads in clickbait articles better than a collection of tweets saying thank you for being brave you've made me feel less alone going through this or simular positives.
It's been mainly women I've seen this happen too and I honestly think it's because less men openly come forward and when they do it's not covered to the extent a woman's story is.
Which is bullshit and why I'm a feminist- I think male sexual assults are massively downplayed and where women can be openly and privately berated for telling the truth men not so much publicly but privetly & it's a different kind, it's just as horrific but in a different way. Not only that it's now more seen as the done thing to believe and rally behind a woman yet we seem afraid and cower away from supporting men the same way, which makes it harder to come forward and I feel men lose more friends then women do when this kind of situation happens because people dont know how to react and lets face it men aren't exactly encouraged to come forward the way women are.
The world is shit but like most people I'm just bobbing along clawing at the water to keep my head up.
Jus keep swimming.
|
self.offmychest
|
Having an unattainable crush is helping me deal with depression [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Maybe I should drink bleach like the other teens I'm tired of living and suffering because of my disorder. I'm sick of not finding the right gas to kill myself in my sleep with. I think I'm gonna wait for the right day to drink the poison already. Life just isn't working out and it's *not* temporary.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
For a while, I wished I had the type of depression where you don't want to eat. Now I have it, it's worse than my old depression. I heard of people whose depression made them not want to eat. As someone who already was depressed, I envied them. My depression made me feel so bored and uninterested in everything that I kind of just sat around waiting for my next time to eat. I gained a couple of pounds, but nothing significant. I'm not really fat, but I'm what I call "skinny until I take my shirt off." I thought it'd be nice that if I was going to be depressed, might lose a few pounds while I was at it. However, my depression was just the kind that made almost everything besides eating sound lame. Now, I've really been losing my appetite. I don't even break 1000 calories some days, when my TDEE is around 2000. Sure, I'm losing the weight, but now even eating is on my list of things that I don't feel like doing. 95% of my life was consumed by either being lazy or doing things that I didn't feel like doing. But at least there was something to enjoy. Now it's closer to 99% of my life that I don't enjoy.
I guess I learned a lesson. Don't envy people who have the opposite problem as you.
|
self.depression
|
I'm miserable. I'm miserable. I'm making my boyfriend miserable. Neither of us are happy with how things are going between us right now and it's due to me and my issues.
How do I fix my relationship if I don't even know how to fix myself? How do I fix myself if I don't even know how to properly think or function?
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do.
|
self.bipolar
|
I dropped out of college 2 times. Thus losing 5 years of my life. It was 10 years ago and it still haunts me. Depression and probably other mental illness completely destroyed my life. Now I am 34, lost, alone and what's worst: hopeless. Constant ruminations, shame, guilt, sadness. These feelings never leave me. I dont do drugs, drink alcohol etc. but my life is ruined and pointless. I cant change it. I dont know what to do. I ve always been a failure. I come from abusive family. Hate my parents for my childhood experiences. These scars never heal and shape your peronality for the entire life. Wish I were 19 again... or better wish i was never born. I dont remember the last time I was truly happy. I need to talk to someone who has similar experiences.
|
self.depression
|
I (24) need help. My husband (31M) is depressed and I genuinely don't know what to do Hello, I am unsure if I am posting correctly but I am a 26 year old female and I am seriously at a loss. My husband is an amazing happy go lucky kind of man and he's rarely ever sad or unhappy. We got married this past November and he was just recently diagnosed with depression.
I am a very sexual person and he used to be but not anymore. We don't have sex often and even I know he is depressed, l still feel like I am the reason why. I really want to make him happy but I don't know how.
Lately I've been feeling like a burden to him. I have had horrible anxiety and to be honest I don't know the actual reason why. I am a very lonesome woman. I don't have any friends or anyone I can share my worries with so I tend to bottle everything up. So when I explode I get extremely anxious and usually sex helps me relieve the stress.
I have not been able to sleep without crying. I exhaust myself from crying silently that I fall sleep. I don't know if I'm depressed and I am ashamed to express my feelings to my husband without making him worried. He's depressed himself so I don't know what to do.
We have a good relationship but because of my recent feelings I've been snappy and angry with him. I always apologize because I end up like an feeling immature bitch. Earlier I wanted to have sex but he told me he was tired and hence here I am crying as I write this. I'm really an idiot and I feel guilty for feeling like this. Please help.
Tl;dr: My husband is depressed and I don't know how to be supportive without making it about me and my selfish needs.
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self.depression
|
Constant anxiety over problems that I know won't affect me? To give some context. This hasn't happened before and as a result this is long and sounds very unreasonable but I had to try to find a solution somewhere. Anyway here's my story.
I used to be friends with someone (we'll call him Jim) throughout 8th grade to the beginning of highschool. At around the second year of highschool I began to hang out with his friends. They didn't seem to like me as my sense of humour seemed to annoy them. That was fine, not everybody can be your friend. Their dislike of me lead to Jim distancing himself away from me and becoming hostile towards me whenever I tried to interact with him. That was a toxic friendship so it ended quickly. Fast forward a year and my best friend (we'll call him michael) is also friends with Jim and they had been friends for a while. At this point Jim avoids me completely walking away whenever I come to talk to Michael and never speaking a word to me. Things are very awkward when the three of us are together. Here comes the issue:
We all get together with some other friends to buy tickets for a highschool event. Me, Michael, and Jim are there and things are tense. We buy the tickets, but some of our other friends had not arrived to buy them. So I pointed it out as we were walking away and Jim spoke the first words to me in a while saying , "well you can wait here for them." Ok, not nice but he's a dick and that's expected. About 10 minutes later my other friends arrive and I go to them to purchase the tickets while Jim, Michael, and a few other friends waited in line for free energy drinks. All seemed well. The next day, I am told by my friend and Micheal that Jim wishes to try to get the group to ditch me somewhere during the event. (which takes place in a couple months in a big area that would not be good to be ditched at) Everyone in the group going to the event is friends with both me and Jim and are oblivious to our dislike of each other. I knew that obviously my friends were good friends and would not leave me, but the thought "what if they did" creeped into my mind. What if they left me at the park alone? This is one of the largest events planned for highschool students and is a day that is supposed to be remembered. What if he ruins it for me? What if my friends ruin it for me? I know theyre better than that but the thought is stuck in my head. Everytime I think about Jim I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Everytime I'm having a blast and remember Jim I get the sinking feeling. Should I have stood up for myself when he was rude or even confronted him after he said he wanted to ditch me? I didn't and the thought of not taking action also affects me.
This is getting to an unhealthy point and I wish to put an end to it. My friends are great but Jim is not. The thought of him causing me all this anxiety makes me feel even worse and brings in more anxiety. How do I stop these thoughts of fear and anxiety for an event I know would not happen to me? How do deal better when standing up for myself? Why am I so worried about this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
At this moment I have been more okay with dying than I have in a long time. I'm just thinking. I'll clean my room, so people don't see the disgusting hell hole I've been living in when they find me. I'll throw away anything embarrassing. I'll text a few people that I love them so they can remember it as the last communication I had with them. I'll text him all the things I want to. I just don't care. I don't care about what I'll be leaving behind. I'm not afraid of death right now. I feel like I've gotten right with God. I'd be selfish to my family, but they'll move on eventually. I'd have to go the rest of my life struggling just so I don't disappoint them. I guess that makes me a bad person. But I just really don't want to be here.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm disappointed in you. We've been having issues with each other since the day I was born. From hearing from Mom that you didn't want a brother like me when we were a lot younger, yelling, cussing me out, and threatening to beat the shit out of me, and still thinking you need to be my parent has been pretty damn exhausting on my person.
Telling mom that talking to me civilly when I fuck up instead of talking down to me might as well be the same as talking to a girl?Telling people that keeping yourself on my case is the reason I get anywhere in life? Talking to me like a child when I'm a functioning adult? I am angry about that but more than anything I'm disappointed in you.
I used to look up to you, you know. You were my big, tough brother, how could I not? But over the years since you got out of college, mom and dad seperated, and we all dispersed, you've done nothing but turn for the worst.
It's like you can't even see the good things I've done for myself to crawl out of my own pit of self loathing so that I can look myself in the mirror and not be disgusted with what I see. All you see is problems that need to be corrected because you want me to be something I'm not and can't fathom that.
I don't even think I could try to cut you out of my life cause I'm sure you'd just come looking for me to chew me out anyway. I don't like this situation and I don't like the person you've become, and I'm disappointed by it, but I'm also disappointed in myself because I know I can't do anything to try to help you.
After all, what good is a "girl" or "child's" advice to you?
Just wanted to put this out there. Not mad, just tired.
EDIT: Well, I've thought about this for a while, and any advice in this situation at all would be helpful. Any sort of thoughts, really?
|
self.offmychest
|
Constantly feeling I have something to do when there isn't anything to be done Don't know how to explain it but my heartbeat is always fast and I constantly feel I am on the edge and there is something that has to be done. It feels like I can never relax and breathe a sigh of relief. It gets hard to endure every minute and I don't know how to get out of this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I don't want to be happy, I just want peace [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
In a long distance relationship I kinda feel bad, like these long distance things are seen so negatively and I used to have that point of view too but then I met her and one thing led to another then I'm in a long distance relationship and sometimes I feel like maybe I should break it off because of how negatively its seen by people; but they shouldn't matter if we really do love each other right?
But the feeling of being judged for "e-dating" it feels like what am I doing? Am I desperate for love that I have to find someone online to date? We weren't even meant to develop into a relationship but we did and I enjoy it but I just don't know what to think..
She loves me and I love her but I just don't know.
|
self.offmychest
|
I gotta admit, depression has made quite strong man Feels good to feel emotionally strong
|
self.depression
|
I wish I had someone to stick with me through the difficult times [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
27 CLUB I've been waiting for this day.... I said I'd kill myself on this day... Nothing has gotten better but I still don't want to kill myself.... I feel like I do have a chance... but... fuck where do I start.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
It's like my life was an experiment to see how quickly God could drive me to suicide. He might have been toying with me at first but now he's going for the finish line. Haha he might win by the end of this year.
|
self.depression
|
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