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Decided to leave my anxiety-inducing housing situation I've been living with an inconsiderate roommate for 6 months now and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of dreading going home because I know I'll see him, I'm tired of being told what to do in my own house, I'm tired of walking out of my room to a huge party I was never told was happening. So I decided to sublet my apartment, move out as soon as I find somewhere else to live, and not re-sign the lease.
I'm getting so anxious about it--moving sucks, and I don't know how to break the news that he'll be getting a new roommate--but it'll be so refreshing to come home to my own place every day, even if it is a teeny, overpriced studio, and live by my own rules.
Wish me luck, reddit!
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self.Anxiety
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Little Improvements I went to my therapist yesterday and admitted I haven't been sleeping properly for the past month. I'm still really new with cognitive behavioral therapy but I finally tackled the hypomanic block and got 8 hours of sleep last night.
I'm just really proud and wanted to share with someone
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self.bipolar
|
Vistaril (hydroxyzine pamoate), 25 mg. So this is one of the medications that my pdoc prescribed me, on an as-needed basis, for my anxiety. Took it for the first time this afternoon, and HOLY SHIT.
I'm relaxed. I'm happy. I'm not tense, I feel OK, I feel like I can make plans and arrange a timetable without stressing the fuck out about it. Holy shit.
I know this won't last forever, but after being so worked up and anxious and scared at work, this is such a welcome relief.
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self.bipolar
|
Stuck I've never posted anything like this before, but I'm at a breaking point and I have nobody else to turn to.
I'm pretty young still, I'm always told I have my whole life ahead of me, but I don't see it that way. I feel stuck. There's so much I want to do, I want to be known in history and everything, I want to live. But at the same time, I don't. I don't see the point, I die anyways, why even try when I'm a failure? Who knows if I'll even graduate on time, especially with it approaching so quickly?
I try to be positive, I really do. My family has gone through some really tough times, I grew up super fucking fast because of it. I don't have friends, I isolate myself and convince myself I'm annoying. I tell myself nobody likes me. I've been to the therapist and psychiatrist before, I'm depressed and anxious, but nothing helped. I don't want to resort to medication because I've seen how it effects people.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I had a breakdown today, they're becoming more common especially after the new year. I feel like I'm giving up without really knowing it. I just want to rip the hair from my skull. I'm starting to miss what it felt like to hurt myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Happy new year 2018 will be the best of my life because I'll be dead.
My new years resolution is to be dead 24 hours into 2018.
I've spent the last few days with my family on a trip, the weather has been beautiful, I love my ma and pa. I love my boyfriend, but I guess he's right 2018 will be the same shit for us.
This post doesn't make much sense, or give many reason as to why I'll do it tonight. But what does it matter.
The weather is warm,
Sticky and humid.
The fireworks are technicolour,
My breath, taken away.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Whenever I have free time to work on my business i feel terrible - is this anxiety? I wish to start an online business. I have no problem watching videos about the subject, reading books or theorycrafting on how to do it.
But. Whenever comes time to take a step, to do something practical (buy a domain name, write an article and publish it etc) i feel paralyzed. There is a fight or flight feeling in my body and I can't do anything besides retreating to my bed and laying there in fetal position until I sleep it away.
Is this anxiety? Do you feel this way as well? Am I alone in this?
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self.Anxiety
|
Does seeing your diagnoses in writing make it feel more real for you? I got a copy of the paper submitted to my insurance for psych testing.
[It lists all of my DX's and has my primary down as bipolar or schizoaffective.](https://imgur.com/a/ahlFV)
The codes at the top are for PTSD and Bipolar II. I forget which is which.
I'm happy for borderline to be ruled out. Not an offence to those Dx'd with BPD, I was just misdiagnosed for years and feel a bit bitter about it.
Anyways, having everything written down on paper is making shit finally feel real for me. I'm a bit sad about the state of my life.
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self.bipolar
|
DAE ever had a friend group that actually hated you the entire time? I met a few people online last year who I thought I could talk to about my feelings. They were nice to my face about it, but they were passing around private things I said to their friends along with pictures of me, my location, and my full name. They even try to force my friends to apologise for being friends with me. I feel dumb that I could be so trusting. None of my friends that I made after this know about my struggles; I know none of them would treat me this way, but my mind refuses to listen to me.
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self.depression
|
Fears of being drugged Two days ago was Halloween. And as such people give out candy,so one of my neighbors gave me some candy yesterday and I happily ate it. Immediately then I got scared that someone put drugs in the candy. The reason I guess I got scared of this was because many people like to hype up the fears that people will drug their kids candy on Halloween. The drug in particular I worried about was either LSD or bath salts (lol). I know that it was a stupid thing to believe as it doesn’t really happen but I gave into the fear and started looking things up and getting really anxious. yesterday and today it has also came up as in “oh what if somebody drugged my food”. Particularly delivery,I still ate though it makes me scared to eat. I KNOW that this is irritational but I’m scared that I’m developing psychosis or sczhiophrenia (sp?). Is this a delusion or an irritational thought? Because I know its just a “what if its true” thought. Yet I’m also afraid that I’m going to believe it. If that makes sense?
The only thing I can relate this to is that years ago I used to avoid going on trains because of a bomb,I would be afraid to be alone because of someone kidnapping me/killing me,etc I now deal with Health Anxiety more than anything. Someone told me this might be OCD related but I haven’t been diagnosed with that,although I do things in numbers a lot and do hold a lot of things in high regards that other people wouldn’t.
The reason I am scared of psychosis and such is because of the drug fear and also sometimes I get intrusive thoughts that really really bother me. All of this bothers me so much and I’m very scared that I’m either getting those mental disorders or I’m going crazy. Every time I try and get and get the drug fear out of me it just comes back and it makes me more and more worried I’m getting psychosis or something. I am sitting here crying my eyes out because of this. If its a delusion would I be saying “what if”?
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm sorry but I don't know where else to go with this but, I just found out that my dad is cheating on my mom, for the nth time. I've known for awhile (3 months) but did nothing until, my mom found out and now I'm feeling guilty. My dad has had a long history of cheating on my mom, every time though he always denies it. I don't understand it, what exactly is he protecting with his pride? Does he not see what's happening to my mom?! Everyday since Christmas, my mom has been on the verge of tears and my dad still either doesn't notice or doesn't care. The problem is that my mom and I are both powerless because my dad has us under his money. I don't know what to do anymore; we still haven't confronted him about it because (1) he'll just deny it and (2) it's his word against ours. My dads family is wealthy and they're all a bunch of fucking elitists and my dads family protects him like he's an angel. My aunt and brother, in the past, instead of going after my dad for his shit, they instead put all the blame on my mother. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WIT PEOPLE?! My mother has been through 2 cancers and survived, had just retired form her stressful office space and now she's being treated like this by some shithead of a father?!
Idk what else to do, I just recovered from my depression. I think I might go through with my promise and look for a gun this time around, it seems like a fair escape from all this shit.
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self.depression
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How do I self-harm without drawing blood? I feel the most intense urges to inflict pain on myself but drawing blood freaks me out. I like the feeling of soreness so I want to inflict bruises but I don't know how. I've thought about starving myself a few times but that feeling always fades away anyway. How do I hurt myself without cutting?
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self.depression
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Favorite music to listen to when you're having a breakdown? [removed]
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self.depression
|
I'm sick of living. It genuinely feels like my only option to solve all of my problems is death. I'm so fucked in the head. I'm such a waste of space and everyones time. I feel like everything that I do wrong is almost always my fault and I am powerless to fix it because I'm so pathetic and weak. Life is not a gift. It is a curse.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Everything feels so hopeless. I can't live like this, I constantly feel tired and sad, and life just feels like a dark abyss, and every time I wake up I think about how every bit of joy is gonna end, everything is going to end eventually, so why even try? What's the point of trying if everything is just temporary? I go to therapy, that doesn't help and just feels like work and makes it worse, I just want to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm not used to things going well and I'm scared. I've had positive things happen but they never ultimately end up that way. Something positive happens and then something else happens to negate it or just makes my situation worse than it previously was in the end. I'm extremely cautious, which I think is a good thing to an extent, but not the way I am. Right now it's like I'm just waiting for the sky to fall. I have no idea what terrible thing is going to happen but at this point I expect it as an inevitability.
I've been depressed since I was at least 6. I have journals starting from that age that make that much painfully obvious. I have a pretty extreme reduced affect display. I don't handle feelings well. I chastise myself when I feel things strongly, especially about other people. I am extremely guarded. I will suffer through anything in order to not rely on other people. I do not think about my happiness at all; I've never been able to until this point. All I've focused on is my survival in the barest sense. I do not like being weak or showing any form of weakness or vulnerability. The one thing I'm certain of is that I'm depressed and have been for over 20 years, and I came to the realization for the first time today when thinking about this shit: I have no idea what it's like to not be depressed.
I have no idea what it's like to wake up and not think about not wanting to live. I've never attempted suicide. I've thought about it, but never even gotten close to making an earnest attempt, which is why that is phrased as "not wanting to live" as opposed to "wanting to die." I called a suicide hotline when I was a teen and hung up after talking for a few minutes, apologizing for taking up the time of someone who was "more suicidal" than me. But I think about it all the time. Whenever I'm not doing something or talking to someone or listening to music, that's the exact thought I have. It's like that's just my default setting.
I don't think I want to die, I just want to stop existing like this. I want to stop being on edge. I want to be able to acknowledge my own feelings. I want to stop purposely cutting people off and making them feel bad because I decided to isolate myself because of the fucked up shit that's happened to me. I want to be able to do something as simple as telling him how I feel about him without referring to my emotions as stupid. I want to feel like it's okay to care about myself without feeling like I'm being selfish or a burden. I want to be able to write here that I want to be able to trust people without hesitation because I'm not really sure I want to trust people because they've always been untrustworthy and disappointing. I want to relax for a single moment.
Every therapist I've been to has made a remark a bout how I've "lost a lot" in reference to other people, or that I have been let down a lot by others and that this is probably where my issues stem from. Those statements are true, but at this point also not, in a way. I stopped relying on and expecting things from people when I was a preteen, and I've never allowed myself to since. When I expect nothing, I can't be let down and I can't be upset when they leave. At least, this is what I imagine my subconscious was thinking when I developed this defense mechanism. Cut your losses and move on.
I told him that and he said that he hopes he doesn't let me down. I hate that my first thought was that he probably will be because I really, really don't want him to.
This is the first time I've done something purely because I feel like it and it's terrifying. The only reason I think I've been able to justify going through with it is that even if things don't work out, the city he lives in has much better job opportunities than the one I'm in now. And I don't have healthcare here, but I will there. Leaving here doesn't matter. I've lived here my whole life but there isn't anything for me here. It's more expensive and louder than it is there. But I'm moving 4100 km and across a border (I'm already a citizen of the country thankfully) to live with him. I'm alone, and therefore safe, here. But he makes me smile, and every time we've been together has been fun and I'm pretty sure I felt happy, and that's weird as hell and throws me off and scares me. He is extremely excited for me to be moving there, and so am I when I stop to think about my feelings. We have taken our relationship very slow because of our natures, and I tell myself that because we were hesitant and did not rush things that this is not an awful idea, but that doesn't make it less scary because I'm ultimately doing this because of how much I like him and confronting that thought makes me feel inexplicably weak and pathetic.
I've made no secret of how guarded I am and how fucked up my childhood, family, and most of my life has been, but I've never gone into great detail I've mostly spoken about it sarcastically or while making a joke. He's similar in a lot of ways, so he understands, I think. But I wonder if maybe I'm wrong and he doesn't understand at all and once I'm comfortable to actually talk about myself and be open, it will have been a huge mistake and I'll have yet another reason to be a jaded misanthrope.
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self.offmychest
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When I lie in bed, I look forward to living in the dream world inside of my head. There, I am the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m loved, safe, and happy. But when morning comes and I wake up, reality sinks in like a brick. My youth is gone and I’m still a failure, and I wish I never woke up. I have tried so hard through most of my life to feel accomplished, to live a life I can be proud of. To love and be loved. But every day is another act of failure and rejection. The days get heavier and heavier. I’ve run out of strength. I want to stay in my bed. I want to stay in my dream world.
I really, really don’t want to wake up.
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self.depression
|
Killing myself in the next 30 days What’s the point in being alive, I was never meant for this world. It’s natural selection defective pieces of shit like me get picked out. I’m gonna die anyway why not speed up the process.
I hate life not just my life but this whole experience, I’m unable to cope porn and masturbation are my only comforts even though it makes me feel like shit.
I’m all alone no one to talk to no friends or girlfriends. Hell, I don’t even trust women anymore and honestly I kinda hate them for being such emotional, fickle, careless pieces of shit.
I hate being a man today we are less valuable and constantly put down our feelings aren’t even taken seriously like fuck! We get emotional and scared too.
We are of lower status to women if you don’t believe check social media and television a barely attractive girl has hordes of men chasing her, they hold all the power over men sex, intimacy, relationships it’s all theirs to decide if your worthy to get.
And men we should be blaming ourselves for this we are the ones who allowed this to happen, I’m 20 and I still don’t feel like a man. My only definition is what a women defines a real man to be and one of these bitches wouldn’t no a real man if he punched her the face.
I have depression and borderline personality disorder I can barely get up in the mornings. All my hatred is mostly directed towards myself, I’m a fucking failure I’ve felt depressed and empty as far back as I can remember and I still don’t know how to get over it no matter how hard I’ve trie.
I’m a perpetual fuck up. I’ve managed to fuck up everything. I can barely regulate my own emotions.
I told my mom to cremate me if I die I even made her promise. I’m trying my best to leave back some cash for her to take care of any expenses that my suicide will incur. I don’t want a funeral I don’t deserve one. I don’t deserve to be love or missed but at the same time I want to be needed and cherished so badly.
My life feels empty, my existence seems meaningless. My days are devoid of joy.
My emotions constantly fluctuates.
I deserve my faith I deserve to die young I’m a waste.
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self.depression
|
My mom just lost her job. After only less than a year, her superiors decided to shut down the business. So now it's my dad only again, paid really really bad, because his job as a mechanic is sometimes very lucrative and other times people seem to have forgotten what it's like to have a car. I feel like a burden even though she lost her job less than 6 hours ago, but maybe I should just drink my whisky with the whole pack of paracetamol and see what happens. I don't know what to do. And I'm also half drunk at the moment.
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self.depression
|
I’ve almost made it to 22! Last year at this time I was debating overdosing on my medicine. I was so lost and I thought I’d never make it through it. But I made it!
If you need to hear this just remember you can do it, you’re worth it, and I believe in you!
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self.bipolar
|
I don't know what to do I want to die. I have had depression for several years now. It has ruined my life. My partner of 3 years has left me as I couldn't cope with our newborn. I was already low after withdrawing from work several months from before he was born. I just feel empty whenever I struggled I just shutdown and contemplated suicide. He is 10 weeks now and I have missed the last 5. She hates me and he will hate me too as soon as he is old enough. I have tried as hard as I can to fight it but she doesn't care and now she is gone. There is no hope. I don't want to carry on. It's all my fault
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self.SuicideWatch
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When the hate of racism becomes racism There is an African American man at work (I am white) who, when I met him, was very against racism and proud of his race in a very honorable way. Over the last few months, however, he has become very open about his hate towards white people. Additionally, when bad things happen, he has to be the victim. For example, the vegas shooting. I was speaking to someone at work about how sad it was, and he came up and basically said 'that's nothing. Black Wall Street was way worse.' Today, he asked me if we would be doing a Veterans Day celebration. I told him yes, and he replied with 'disgusting. I might as well be a veteran with all of the hoods I've been in.' I suppose, what I want to get off my chest, is that I almost stood up and knocked this guy (who is in a wheelchair, btw) out. I am still seething. I am his supervisor, and I am very close to not going to work tomorrow to avoid pulling him out of his wheelchair.
Don't get me wrong, I get having differing views. But to me, it seems that he is just as bad as the people he despises.
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self.offmychest
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Bipolar Survival Kit What's one item you use that you couldn't live without? I thought it might be fun to share and maybe we can help each other.
I have a pair of amber wrap around sunglasses that I wear when I'm having trouble unwinding at night or I'm swinging up. They block blue light and help you relax and sleep.
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self.bipolar
|
The past two weeks It's just gone downhill. From the car accident, to the dog injury, to something I didn't think was that important, to turning 30, to being alone, to bad health, to the police showing up at my house, to panic attacks at the doctor when you were going in for a derma issue, to feeling guilty for playing video games, to payments and payments, to thinking about getting really drunk.
I really wish they'd give me something to dull the emotions. At least for a while. Participate in your emotions, they say. Emotions aren't bad, they say. I hate them so much, please just give me something to stop this fear.
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self.Anxiety
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Nobody Want's to Stay When You're Severely Mentally Ill I've lost almost everyone in my life because of my bipolar disorder. Does it ever end?
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self.bipolar
|
Do you choose your antidepressant? Forgive me if I sound extremely stupid but I've finally convinced myself after years of ignoring my depression to go see a doctor. I'm confused as to how the process works if a person does get prescribed medication. I know there are tons of different kinds of medication so how does the doctor know which one to prescribe? Do you have a say in which antidepressants you're leaning towards? I know some of them have severe side effects so I'm wondering if after they've talked with you to inspect you if they give you a choice from a list they feel is best or if they usually start you off the bat with one kind of medication without questions asked.
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self.depression
|
Let's talk about my ex Long post, sorrynotsorry.
I was going to post in here earlier- my job wants me to call a help line for my anxiety- I've had some family problems and it's affecting my job performance and self confidence. Talking to people in depth about my anxiety gives me more anxiety (because fml) so I thought, hey, reddit might offer...something.
But then, I remembered my ex.
I dated him for several years. My self esteem was that low (thanks to him.) Everyone who met him told me he didn't like the way I treated me. I brushed it off. I got my dream job, and he barely reacted. I had put myself through school twice, held down multiple, demeaning jobs, and had been considering suicide. I worked my ass off to get that job, and I got a thirty second phone call from him
(He claimed to be tired and jealous of me.)
I put up with him for another six months. (Long distance.)
I didn't even realize how much he manipulated me until I developed feelings for a guy friend of mine. I started realizing that it wasn't really a crush. It was more of a cover up. My friend had the perfect relationship with his girlfriend, and I was envious of it. Mine was so different. It was such a wake up call for me. I spent the next few months realizing my ex was a narcissist who was controlling me.
I finally got the courage to end it. At the time, I felt guilty. I didn't really hate him until I started looking back on it all.
He treated me like crap, got jealous when I hung out with friends, got paranoid I was going to leave him, barely gave me the time of day when I was having a real problem, and then blamed my anxiety. His default answer to everything I told him was "ah." I became paranoid. I started over apologizing. I go back and look at some of our old chats and emails, and I want to punch my past self. I can actually see it developing. The anxiety getting worse the more he said to me. The way he'd brush me off, and then flip it around to make me seem needy and annoying. He used sex as an incentive for me to do what he wanted (we did it ONCE during our long relationship, because he was always too stressed or busy to be in the mood.) He wanted me to hate myself, even if he didn't realize it.
And I do.
He told my best friend that he didn't think I could keep a real job, because of my anxiety. And here I am. I actually work in the career I just dreamed about as a kid. My job loves me and want me to stay here, as long as I want. I can go anywhere from here. But they want me to get help. Because of my anxiety.
I know I need the help, but all I can think is, he's right. He's right about me and I hate him so much and I hate myself. I think I'd be a totally different person if he hadn't come into my life. I wish I could tell him I hate him. But I think that's what he wants. He's trying to subtly get back into my life, and keep hurting me. And the worst part is, it's working. I thought I'd moved on. I've moved on from the relationship (long before the breakup), but not from the damage he's caused. I'm ranting here but I'm also terrified he's still going to realize it's me, and feel so pleased with himself for destroying me.
I really should call that help line.
TLDR narcissistic ex said I wouldn't keep my job because of anxiety; work wants me to see someone about my anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
|
Dragon Ball Super made fun of you. Shut the fuck up Reddit. (nt)
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self.offmychest
|
Im always sad but i cant cry anymore Life is so tiring and everything makes me so sad but I can't cry about it. I just sit there and give up, at least crying was a good release. Now I just sit in numbness
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self.depression
|
I need my meds adjusted I can’t stop thinking about killing myself. I’ve started self harming again. I just want to bleed out. I’m going to if I fuck up and I’m not even scared of it. I want it. So bad. I need it. I wish I could. I’m a fucking chicken though. Needy. Whiny. I need to die. I need to. And I don’t know what to do about that.
I have a month left until I see the doctor again. That’s enough time to make up my mind. My parents will be so proud of me for donating so much to charity. Too bad. It’s for a selfish reason.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Not having suicide as an option is almost worse than being actively suicidal [deleted]
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self.depression
|
The Tao of Bipolar Maintenance Yesterday I had my regular appointment with my psychiatrist(s), and it was my first appointment with a newly assigned resident (student). She already knew that I’d not exactly been baseline for a little over a month. I’d been somewhat hypomanic, but we didn’t find it alarming, and they had not wanted to see me immediately. Then there was a discussion on what to do about my residual symptoms. So, she and I went over many of the drugs I’d trialed in the past, with a big pull on what worked best for me. And my reply was that nothing I’d ever tried had helped in the slightest, and some drugs made things much worse.
I continued that was fairly satisfied where I was, when compared to the prospect of gambling for better. A venture that results, in my experience, in been lateral movement at best, or descent into greater instability at worst. It struck me as a Tao. Where help harms, control disorders, and inaction treats. Where we accept the simplicity of things as they are and reject the desire to form something by artifice. Only when the will is aligned with nature and without action, can harmony be found.
In the end, I agreed to a re-adjustment.
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self.bipolar
|
My daughter (21) was just prescribed Zoloft. Her main symptom is anxiety constantly and at the moment mania. Anyone with any experience with this drug?
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self.bipolar
|
What would my boyfriend and twin sister think I've been trying to convince myself that I'm getting better, but it's all a lie. All I ever think about is ending it and cutting myself just to alleviate the pressure. My life is going nowhere. I got kicked out of college this year, and now I'm in a CC and have a solid job, but it kills me knowing that I won't amount to anything more than this. I'm not talented. I don't excel in anything at all. I look average at best, even with makeup. I'm a recovered bulimic but my self esteem is still at rock bottom. I'm just too depressed to purge and shit. I've been drinking, too. More and more. I turn 20 next Wednesday and I dread it because my mom's biggest regret is having kids. She said that to my face. My twin sister tries to help, but she's 10 hours away with my parents. She can only do so much. She already lost her best friend in 9th grade. And I've only been with my boyfriend for two months, and he makes me so happy, and I'm so in love with him. But that doesn't stop the paranoia. That it's all a sham. A elaborate scheme to tear me down and keep my head under the water until I stop fighting. What would he think? What would my twin sister think?
I'm gonna keep drinking until I feel like I don't exist. I wish I didn't exist at all. So many people would be much happier if I never came to be. But it's too late to not be, so the next best option is to cease being.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My college is keeping tabs on me and it's making me anxious... I'm a business student at a local college. Last semester I found out, that one of my classmates or professors had anonymously reported me to the school for strange behavior of some kind (my meds give me hypoglycemia which can make me slur words or seem tired).
Since getting that email, I've never had social anxiety so badly. It feels like I'm one careless comment away from a hospital stay. I dont know who reported me or even why. I suspect everyone but simultaneously feel like it's all in my imagination. I had to leave class today because I felt everybody's eyes on me. It feels like the well is poisoned. I'm not sure exactly what to do at this point.
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone else feel stuck I can't describe the feeling. It's like I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get a job. I don't want to get up in the morning. I have no energy. I have no goals. I don't even care about anything. It's like I'm floating and I'm getting absolutely no where. I just don't care. And lately, I've been okay with it. But now I just feel like this is getting too far. How do I get out of this.
Went to college for 3 years dropped out because of my depression anxiety. I am taking lexapro. My anger is much lower. But I'm not where I want to be. Anybody else on medication? I've only been on it for a week or two. It takes 6 weeks to fully work. Why am I so lazy and no passion for anything. Scratch that.... My passion is dogs. Im so happy around them. Should I do that. Only thing is my allergies but I mean can't zyrtec fix this. Is this the price I pay for not following my dreams as a veterinarian. Midnight thoughts.
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self.depression
|
When I was younger, I figured that things would make more sense as I got older. They haven't. I'm approaching 28 and I think I've hit my lowest point of the last five years. I've had my issues for as long as I can remember. Particularly after my dad died in my early teens. Things just never really made a whole lot of sense to me. I don't think I ever really understood the concept of school, y'know? I get that it's supposed to prepare you for life, but it all just seemed like something I had to do so I wouldn't be bothered. Even in my senior year, I never really dreamed about "being" anything.
Jumping ahead to where I am now, I've essentially done warehouse work off and on for the last 6 years. I quit my last job this November, and I'm pretty sure my family and room mate are pissed at me for it. I'm not really the type to talk about my feelings and all of that face-to-face, so I basically told them that I couldn't deal with it anymore. What really happened was that it was night-shift, and it was something that I hated. The one thing I've come to know about myself is that if I'm feeling depressed, lack of sleep will completely mess me up. The night I resigned, I spent the first three hours of my shift trying to keep myself from breaking down and crying in front of a group of strangers. The kicker is that I don't even really have a good reason for it. I think being there and being exhausted and doing nothing meaningful just kept building up this creeping fear that my life had no meaning. Had nothing to do with the job at all.
I was looking for work without much luck up until this point. I've been doing some online work here and there, but I suspect it won't be enough to keep everything going so I've essentially just started applying anywhere now since I'm going to start feeling the financial strain soon.
The people you get to know in blue-collar jobs are pretty straight-forward. They look at jobs and productivity, and will jump at the chance to call someone lazy if they aren't working as hard as them. I think that's what keeps a lot of these guys going, working dead-end jobs they hate. They get into this mindset of self-praise for the hard work that they do. And how they work harder than Guy B. And how Guy C is a lazy POS. So on and so forth. My room mate got very angry at me for quitting recently. He essentially said I was being lazy and I haven't had a stable job and a long time and I should be more like him. We met at a previous job and he's been there for almost 4 years now. The problem with his argument, in my mind, is that he hates it too. He's always trying to leave early or take off. And somehow, even at my worst, I seem to do better financially than him. Don't get me wrong, this post isn't to rant about him. It's more about the criticisms the people around me have.
And I suppose it would be unfair to say that I'm NOT lazy. I don't enjoy doing things that I hate, in what seems like a fruitless cycle of "work to live, live to work". That's not an argument you can make around these people though. I guess I would have to come out in full disclosure of how fucked up I am, otherwise I'm just being lazy.
Reading through all of these job descriptions recently makes my life seem more and more bleak. I just don't get how things seem to make sense to everyone around me, but it just won't click in my head. People will work near a decade doing something they hate but continue the cycle. On my end, I've just entered this "numb" feeling where I'm convinced that I'm never going to understand any of it and I should just be looking for peace from life itself.
I don't really know what I expect to hear from a post like this. I just felt like I had to share it with someone before I snap. Can anyone relate, or have general advice?
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self.depression
|
Panic attacks where you don't feel actual panic? Hi all:
Obviously, I'm not really a user of this subreddit so I hope it's not to weird to ask it here. I know when I'm panicking because I'm the type that cries, shakes, basically loses my mind, etc.
However, I'm curious as to if there are different "types" with different symptoms or whatnot? For example, recently, I freaked out in public. I thought I was just reacting to something else (I thought maybe it was an allergic reaction to the new make-up I was wearing?) and didn't feel nervous at all? I felt kind of disassociated and calm, and I only realized that I must have seemed like I was experiencing a panic attack when people were staring at me, my friends were telling me to take deep breathes, etc.
This is really weird to me because I've never had a panic attack for no reason, and I didn't really feel panicked? Could I just be retroactively thinking it was better than it actually was? Maybe other people around me think that every time I react to something I'm having a panic attack because I have an anxious personality? Or perhaps it actually was a different kind of panic attack?
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self.Anxiety
|
Drank my ass off for valentine's day Hey,
Just wanted to say I drank pretty hard for Valentine's day. Got to a bar where all people were all people were watching some soccer match. Felt pretty lonely and pretty miserable, in the end. Didn't have enough change to have a fourth beer. Meh.
I feel disgusted about myself, about how I am unable to love and feel loved. Been single for 7 years. In the end, I guess my worst anxiety is about staying alone and fantasizing about love that I can't reach, romance I can't live. I'm a pretty bad excuse for a human being.
I don't stand out. That's the kind of person I am. I don't even have the courage to keep up, given this anxiety disorder disease, pest, plague-thing. I didn't ask for it, but still, I'm way too abnormal. There's no way someone could love a loser like myself. I've always been a loser. I wish I could die, find the courage to die, or something.
There's too much to remind me how very flawed I am, how very unlikeable I am. Like a ghost, not exactly dead but not making any kind of ripple in this world anyways.
Hey, thanks for coping with me until the end of this message. Thank you.
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self.Anxiety
|
Wishing to catch the flu. If I do, then I can take off work and stay home, soaking in the hot bath all day. I can't just tell my boss I am spiraling. I cannot just say I locked myself in a bathroom yesterday to cry at work. I cannot just say that I almost caused an accident this morning because I was bawling driving into work. I cannot just be honest so I am hoping for some type of sickness to give me the much-needed space and time I am craving.
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self.depression
|
Do u think my boyfriend was insulting me? I texted my boy and told him that I don't understand why he likes me since I'm fat and ugly? He texted back "you're not ugly. Maybe u can get your hair done or buy new clothes to make yourself feel better."
Was he insulting me?
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self.Anxiety
|
My mother is having suicidal thoughts and this is making me so sad that I have them too My mother and father split up almost 10 years ago and currently she lives with my brother but he does not give a shit about her. Last week we had one of our worst fights and we did not talk until then. Today she came to tell me that she should have died in 2011 and that life does not pay any more.
I'm 20 and I'm having to deal with the fact that my mother wants to kill herself constantly, alone. On the other hand I have to deal with my father who is also a difficult person to deal with, and I am also going through several phases of life, all at the same time, and so I do not have the energy to dedicate my mother. Since I'm not living with my mother, it's hard to follow her to know how determined she is to commit.
I have had strong suicidal thoughts and today I can deal fairly well with them, but my fear is that if anything happens to my mother, I do not know if I could handle my suicidal thoughts well. And the more time passes, the more my mother loses her reason to live and falls to suicide. Please, help me, I do not know what else to do. It's like I'm in a loop and can not do what it takes to get my mother out of it and it makes me sadder. We had a talk today, and tomorrow morning I'll schedule a session with a psychologist as soon as possible for her. What else can I do to get these thoughts out of her head?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
i like the attention too much i know that this is wrong and i honestly wish i wasn't like this. i love the attention, not just any attention though. it's the sympathy, the care. the compassion.
i have fantasised about being raped!! how wrong and disgusting is that?
i "fall over and cut myself" so i can go to trips to A&E.
i pretend to faint, i go for brain MRIs and cardiology appointments.
i have OCD, it's getting so much better but it's real and i don't like sharing it but i do like sharing all of these things and diagnoses i DONT have.
i want help, i need help.
i have hit my own body over and over to create gnarly bruises and ive cut myself where i "fell".
i have the most amazing boyfriend ever and i've only just built up the courage to tell him this. he's been so amazing about it but i know i don't deserve it because look at how awful it is.
i literally hope to get these awful diseases
i search how to break bones and i do such weak attempts at it ive never fully achieved my disgusting goal
it feels amazing to be able to type this all out
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self.offmychest
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You did it - you unintentionally set me free. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Weird sexual behaviour when manic When I was young, the only way I could calm my social anxiety was to get intimate with people. Looks like, while that is mildly acceptable behaviour for a man, it is not in a woman, at least in my country. Nevertheless, I have made some good friends and horrible enemies.
Fast forward to these days, I am married with kids and I am struggling with my sex drive when hypomanic. Even though acting on it is in the past, as I keep my intimate relations for my husband, my social behaviour still has the flirty side I mistake, on the spot, with being friendly. I then realise, when back to baseline or depression, that I was outragious (you don't flirt when you're invited to talk to a possible employer now, do you?) hate myself for it (and most probably not get the job).
Obviously, all of this makes my family life suffer as well. I am the first to admit: my sexuality is a problem. I have no idea of how to cope. When depressed I am fine, as I generally don't look people in the face and don't see any advances or flirtatious attitudes. But when hypomanic I am a walking mess.
There, I vented, and it is also hard to write about this. So please do not be judgemental, if you can. It's not a choice I have made or am making, it's a debilitating behaviour that can cost me my family and my reputation, also the job I was talking about. I hate myself for it as it is.
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self.bipolar
|
No cure and no hope to hating yourself It's what I want, I don't have the will power to change things in my life and I accept that I'm going to kill myself, if not tonight eventually. It's not like there's hope for things to change. The only time I didn't feel like this was with the only girl that ever saw anything in me, and I don't even know what that was. It won't happen again because I'm shocked it ever even happened at all. And it's massively unfair to rely on someone else to make you feel like you're good enough. I just want to feel wanted by someone but it still wouldn't fix my fucked up perspective. I know it won't solve my problems but at least I wouldn't have to deal with them. There just isn't hope. Getting rope after work and hopefully extra weights will makes it quick
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self.SuicideWatch
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Balancing work and treatment I'm trying. It isn't working very well. I missed therapy the other day because I got called in (one of our most competent workers walked out), and my schedule is absolutely packed now. I don't want to have to explain my condition to them and how vital my treatment plan is to my work performance... But I don't think I have a choice. I was also supposed to be reevaluated by a psychiatrist after therapy, which I was really looking forward to for potential med changes, and now I have to wait another month. I feel like a mess, but I'm super financially stable! Blah.
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self.bipolar
|
Can someone give me advice on a life transition coming up that is making me very anxious? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
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Do you ever get this amazing happy feeling for like 15 seconds and then you go back to wanting to jump under a train? [deleted]
|
self.depression
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My inability to act almost cost me my business. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Emotional numbness. Anxiety or Depression? I have been feeling emotional numbness for awhile. Used to suffer from anxiety and panic attack once in a while but now, i don’t get them as much as i did. Instead, i feel completely numb. I don’t enjoy the things i used to do. My hobby becomes boring. I don’t look forward to the things i do. I feel plain in my head. I feel like theres barrier between me and reality. I feel tired most of the time. No energy. Nothing drives me.
Questions :
How long can this numbness last?
Is it anxiety or depression?
What can i do to get back on track?
Am i okay?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Hello. I hope you have a better life than me. Hi, I want to thank you personally for even giving me the slightest bit of attention.
I didn't want to end my life without atleast talking or letting it all out one last time. However, I'm going to end my life now, I've been planning this for 2 years but I've reached breaking point. What a shitty life I got dealt. 0 friends, no social life, too stupid for exams and education (can't get into uni), I struggle alot socially. I never fit in. Maybe its my ugly looks? that would make sense, I suppose, like seriously who would want to be friends with a virgin moron like me.
Anyway, I hope when I die I'm gonna go onto something better. I mean, what could be worse than this?
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self.depression
|
Alone and lost I've been alone and angry for so long. I feel like no matter what I try I will always fail. I am tired. Hope feels like a foreign concept.
I pull my hair out and I find it incredibly difficult to stop.
I feel like dying.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else have a negative parent? I would say my mom is definitely one of the reasons why I have such horrid, crippling anxiety.
She is so negative, and doesn't really understand why I don't like talking to her or spending time with her.
Today, she woke me up, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and this was our conversation:
Her: "Hey, by the way, are you double majoring, or are you just doing art?"
Me: ".....I'm just doing music. Double majoring would be too much." (I already work, and I commute, and I'm full time. At one point, I was taking 15 units, had 2 jobs, didn't even have a car, and she told me to get a 3rd job during an argument!!!)
Her: "Oh... you know they don't make any money right?"
Like seriously, wtf? And she tells me that she's just worried, and this that blah blah. She doesn't take any of my emotions seriously and basically just implies that I'm a spoiled baby that just needs to tough it out. She's not happy herself, and she hardly makes money. She tries (I think), but she hardly makes money. When I was looking at our 2015 tax returns I found out that I made nearly half of what she made. Which is sad considering that I'm a full-time student with a part-time job.
One time after getting a scholarship, I told her it was $2000, and she said "that's it?" Like yeah it's not much but thanks for making me feel bad about getting a scholarship lol
I mean that's just the tip of the iceberg with this woman. It seriously takes me a ton of energy to not completely ignore her when I'm around her.
Like, I do have unconditional love for her. Even if I HATE the living **** out of her at a particular moment, I will still always love her deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down.
But damn she is just always SO negative. I don't want to be around you if literally everything you say is negative and you make everything worse! I wish I could make her understand that SHE needs therapy.
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self.Anxiety
|
I Am Truly And Finally Sick of This Bullshit Called Life, I've Tried Everything And It Doesn't Get Better I'm literally sitting here crying writing this. I'm a failure, a worthless and useless person that nobody cares about. I've done everything people told me and suggested. I started eating healthy, started working out/doing sports, I made a healthy daily routine, I do Nofap, I'm doing everything that makes my life better, but it doesn't I'm still the fuckin' lonely guy who is a failure.
The girl I like doesn't care about me. We would have a date today, but she cancelled saying some fake shit why we can't meet. She said she is going to write me later, but she didn't. She doesn't fuckin' care about me and what I feel. I already confessed to her how I feel and she seemed to feel the same way, but I believe it was also fake shit. I don't feel like writing her, because she just doesn't fuckin' care. I'm not going to beg for anyone's attention I would rather die and that's what I'm going to do today. Just have to figure out how I'm doing it. It's not the first time girls rejected me. Every time I asked a girl out they rejected me.
People doesn't fuckin' care about anyone beside themselves they are all filthy scum of earth.
My friends? Do I have any? Well, I used to. Some of the moved away. Others are with their girlfriends 24/7 and doesn't fuckin' care about the guy who actually got them together. They didn't even bother sending a happy birthday text. What does it take? Like 5 seconds? Yes, but that's how much they doesn't fuckin' care. They don't even know I exist I suppose. One friend I lost to suicide. Another friend is always busy. I'm so fuckin' lonely and sick of living. I see no point. Next year I'm going to university, but I don't fuckin' care about that anymore. I want to die.
People only talk or text me if they need something, if I need something they don't reply. I'm always very friendly and help people where I can, but I get nothing. I'm sick of this.
Going to write my notes and I'll do it tonight.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else feel depressed about the end of net neutrality? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Does anybody else feel like they're trapped in their own thoughts?
|
self.depression
|
The feeling to want to delete my entire history And I don’t mean on Google Chrome.
Going through a rough patch with my anxiety at the moment. Cringe at a lot of things I say, but even worse I can’t sleep at night for analysing my entire history.
It’s quite self absorbed as I’m sure other people can’t remember these little things, but this is a rational thought and it’s not comforting.
Someone help me put my mind to rest :(
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self.Anxiety
|
Tired I wish I could be brave enough to end it all.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Rexulti I know this has been asked before, but I’m having some very specific symptoms, and I’m not sure they’re not worth the results.
I’ve tapered up to 2 mg at this point, and I read it can go up to 4 mg.
My problem is that I am already experiencing some side effects that I can deal with, such as :
- changes in vision (for the worse, kind of criss-crossed)
- inability to sleep at night. I can go to sleep alright, but wake up pretty much every hour, resulting in feeling like absolute shit in the morning
- loss of memory of the night before. If I’m reminded, I remember and can replay the event in my head
Also, it’s taking me forever to type, where normally I’m very text-proficient.
I realize I should obviously mention these side effects to my doctor. I just didn’t know if these were common side effects. Thoughts?
Edit: I’m also taking 750 mg depakote and 400 mg lamictal.
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self.bipolar
|
I thought I was happy I just don't know what to do anymore im 16 I've grown up in an upper middle class loving family, but ever since the car accident last year everything's gone downhill
My parents are honestly the only people I feel actually care at all about me and probably the one thing holding me back is the thought of the toll it would take on them.
Since the accident my leg is permanently damaged, ill never be able to do the stuff I loved again and it just seems like my whole world turned against me, I realized who I thought were my friends don't care at all about me.
On top of this I just feel like my mind is broken beyond repair and nothing can really make me happy anymore.. my school marks are good enough to get me into a good university if I could keep them up next year but I just don't see the point of going any further if ill ever be happy again. Just the end of last year is the first time I've ever really felt like this and right now I just feel like nothing will ever be able to make me happy, I'm just a selfish asshole that is satisfied with nothing.
Last night I took way over what my dosage of the prescription opioids I was prescribed from the accident were (which I've been off of for a while) not in an attempt to die, but just to try to forget all my issues and leave reality for a couple of hours. Tonight all I can think about is just ending myself, I'm probably not going to go through with it but the thought of it seems just comforting..
I don't know what to do
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Out of network insurance - should i go to urgent care or home for pCP? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
god, i want you. you don’t speak unless you have something to say. and when you do—that voice. so low, seductive. haven’t stopped thinking about you today. regaining consciousness in the middle of the night to feel your hand gently holding the back of my head. how are you so good at talking me out of sex when i’m drunk like that? then you just...held me. like you wanted to. when/if this happens, i... i just can’t stop thinking about it. i want you.
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self.offmychest
|
why no one comments on my post or care? i see most of the post have many comments and when i post i get none or 1.
Do people on here are annoyed from my posting something? isnt this subreddit for venting and helping?
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self.depression
|
My younger cousins went through my inappropriate laptop bookmarks? This is really stressing me out but I had two of my little cousins coming over who I see quite often, they are 10 and 12 years old. They wanted to use my laptop to play a video game that they love while I helped my uncle cut down a tree in our front yard. I deleted my browser history so that they couldn't see anything inappropriate but when I came back inside I heard one of my favourite songs playing on the computer.
I forgot to delete my internet bookmarks and it turns out they went through my bookmarks and put on this song. I came in and said "what are you guys listening to?" and they said "sorry we were just messing around". Nothing else was said about it and they ended up going home but I went through my internet bookmarks then and found out there was a few links about drugs, my anxiety and even a porn link.
I don't know if they noticed any of these links but i'm freaking out right now because I don't want them to think of me as a drug user or think of me differently because of these bookmark links. I'm babysitting them in a few days and I don't know how to approach this situation, can anyone help give me some advice?
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self.Anxiety
|
Today is very very bad send good vibes I feel dissasociated and also like my mind is numb. I assume it's the copius amounts of caffeine I had due to lack of sleep. I'm suffering through work right now so send me a nice sub to browse through to calm my nerves please! Also I'm never having this much caffeine again. I even took my Lexapro early today...
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self.Anxiety
|
this world is no place for a nigga with feelings :,(
|
self.depression
|
I Was Right About Psychiatrists. I am here after very unsuccesful psychiatrist visit, had to sleep alot after that before writing here...
it was horrible...
all of it...
my psychiatrist didnt understand my problems and didnt want to, just telling me that everything that has happened to me is my fault..
getting bullied because i was born short? my fault
getting depressed about going school? my fault
being awkward socially? my fault
having to hear my father and mother having a fight? my fault
being asshole to everyone because of it? my fault
being suicidal because of my own faults and flaws? my fault.
FUCK
THIS
SOCIETY.
|
self.depression
|
I'm tired I'm tired of waking up
I'm tired of going to school
I'm tired of crying
I'm tired of cutting
I'm tired of being lonely
I'm tired of failing
I'm tired of being scared
I'm tired of having no friends
I'm tired of being judged
I'm tired of hating myself
I'm tired of eating
I'm tired of sleeping
I'm tired of of these thoughts
I'm tired of hoping for better days
I'm tired of no change
I'm tired of living
I'm tired of writing this
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why can I cry for other people, but not for myself? I tear up a lot. I cried at the last movie I saw. I cried when I saw how nice a homeless person I talked to near my house was. I even cried when I saw a painter in his dirty clothes buying groceries at the dollar tree. But when I think about how much I hate myself, and how much I wish I could be reborn, I can never cry. I can think about my worst memories, and instead of crying I usually just feel ashamed and useless. I want to cry, I feel like I'm gonna break soon and actually need to cry, but It's almost like I feel like I don't deserve to...
|
self.depression
|
Treatment resistance, medication not working I've been on 9 different medications and I still struggle a lot with near constant depression and some symptoms of anxiety and OCD. I'm currently on lamictal and wellbutrin. They keep me from being hypomanic/suicidal but I still don't function well at all. I'm not too keen on trying more antipsychotics because of all the side-effects I've experienced.
Has anyone had success after so many unsuccessful meds? Does it honestly get better? I don't feel like I'll ever be close to living a normal life.
List of meds I've been on:
prozac
seroquel
lamictal
lithium
abilify
latuda
geodon
wellbutrin
mirtazapine
|
self.bipolar
|
The reason I’m here is because of my parents. I didn’t ask for any of this. I hold my parents responsible for anything that happens in my life. If they wouldn’t have had me, I wouldn’t endure the pain I’m enduring now.
I’d be non-fucking-existent.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Depressed after Dates Has anyone had success dealing with depression after dates? Starting with my last relationship, I have had some tremendous anxiety and depression tied into my dating life.
With the current girl, I sometimes come home from a date and start feeling depressed immediately. But then I feel it throughout the rest of the week.
|
self.depression
|
Social Security, Disability, Unemployment? Hey there everyone. The past 8 months my bipolar disorder turned more severe. I had to quit my part time job because I was slowly breaking down.
I then made time to go down to my hometown and spent the past month staying with my parents and seeing my old psychiatrist to begin medication again. It has been 4 years since I have been treated for my bpd.
In ten days I will be heading back to my home where I live with my boyfriend, and will begin therapy. I have been rapid cycling a lot so working seems like a lot for me right now.
I want to apply for disability but I don't know where to start or if that is even possible. Do I apply for social security or unemployment too?
Hallp! Anyone with knowledge or experience about this. I live in CA.
|
self.bipolar
|
Suicide seems like the only option to erase the pain [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I need to say this On 17 Oct 2017, I had the worst day of my life. Nothing particularly was different about it, just a pressing feeling that I wanted to die. Went to work for early morning training(yay army), while having these thoughts and hoping they would go away. After that was finished, we were released to go get breakfast, and on my way home, something just clicked.
I immediately started planning what I was going to do. I started gathering up my account info for everything; banks, social media, student loans, etc. Sent everything to a person I trusted that would be able to take care of everything when I was gone, and then turned off my phone. I picked up my weapon and chambered a round, but as I was lifting it, another thought struck me, I didn't want to defile my weapon like that. It probably sounds stupid, but that's what went through my mind.
I then went to work and preceded to think about another way to do it at lunchtime. That never did happen, as the person whom I sent all my info to called the crisis line, and within a few minutes, a post wide alert was put out on me. Needless to say, but I got help that day, but the thing is, I wish I would've just lied. I was almost clear of everything too, because I had a explanation for everything, but I decided to trust my chain of command(not with everything mind you). I now see a counselor every week or so, but to be honest, I never let slip just how bad the place I'm in is. Every single day, I wish I was dead, and no one knows because I don't know how to open up to anyone. I feel like I'm on borrowed time, and it's so fucking exhausting. I just want to feel normal already.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
anyone else feels trapped and with a feeling of impending doom while in a relationship? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just started to think about how much I make other people nervous If I don’t know people I won’t talk to them. This easily extends to people I do know because I question them as my friends. I can’t totally open up and I make people nervous.
|
self.Anxiety
|
GAD problems (rant) So I’m sitting here, 2nd day off from school due to snow and I have an anxiety stomach ache. I usually get these Sundays before school, but it’s a Friday and somehow I’ve had it overnight. Last night I was convinced I just had swallowed something from my skincare routine (somehow??) but now I have no idea.
Generalized anxiety sucks sometimes because YOU DON’T WHAT YOU’RE ANXIOUS ABOUT. Like I’ve been working on a project, I woke up early to do it and I’ve gotten so much done!! But nope! Anxiety stomach ache. I haven’t seen my boyfriend in a week, but that doesn’t sound right as a cause for anxiety. I keep reading coping stuff and they’re all “find out what makes you anxious and try and face it and I agree I’m very much a “figure out what it is and try and face it” person when figuring out triggers. But I have no IDEA.
It’s so annoying because I’m trying to get better and work through stuff but my mind is like “lol YOU THOUGHT”. Sorry this is a rant I’m just tired of these anxiety stomach aches because they make me feel like I’m actually sick and I want to actually participate in life. Rant over sorry
|
self.Anxiety
|
What to do? I got diagnosed as bipolar over a year ago after being baker acted for three days. My boyfriend says that it’s not a real diagnosis because the doctor didn’t see me for enough time. I’ve been on 100 mg of seroquel and 20 mg of citalopram for a year with random adjustment over this time.
If I’m not bipolar then how do I fucking cope?
|
self.bipolar
|
Escapism? Normal or could this be depression? I really don’t even know if I’m in the right place to talk about this, or if this is going to make any sense. I’ve been feeling pretty embarrassed about this and wanted to get it off my chest.
Throughout my pre-teen and teen years I suffered from pretty severe depression/anxiety. I was a cutter and a loner, and I thought that was pretty normal. I was hospitalized a few different times at ages 15 and 19, tried different medications, and eventually just got to the point during my time at college where I felt okay on my own. A lot of the time I think of myself as mentally healthy, but deep down I know that’s probably not true.
Today, I’m in my late 20s, married, working full time, living a pretty normal life except that I have this tendency to start daydreaming these alternate reality fantasies, always hyper sexual. This seems to build up and get bad every couple of months there are a few recurring themes - either thinking about an ex boyfriend who broke up with me when we were 19, or about fictional characters from TV shows (depends on what I’m watching at the time, usually the same kind of character in whatever I’m watching will get me started). I don’t know what triggers it, but the thoughts are intrusive and obsessive. It starts to feel physically painful and makes me anxious - both because I can’t stop thinking about these things and I don’t WANT to stop. I want to live in this alternate universe. I need to get out of my body, out of my life, do SOMETHING.
I like to think that this is pretty normal. Is it? Or is this a symptom of depression coming back? I like to think that I’m happy, that I’m happy in my relationship, but I can’t stop these obsessive daydreams. There’s nothing wrong with my relationship but I’m just not happy. I feel nauseous all the time. Nothing really makes me happy, except for daydreaming about an all-consuming, dangerous, painful, often violent and controlling sexual relationship that is nothing like my marriage or my life.
In general, I find myself constantly hating myself and my body. That’s nothing new, I’ve never been thin or particularly attractive and it hasn’t gotten better over the years. That’s probably part of this too. I’m constantly thinking about how no one could or does find me attractive. It is always on my mind.
I don’t want to live in this reality anymore. I’m bored. So, so bored.
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self.depression
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i've resorted to melatonin supplements because sleep is the only time i feel safe and not in pain.
i'm always in pain. any kind of pain (tooth pain specifically, i'm seeing a dentist tomorrow) sends me into a pre-panic and i have to focus all of my energy and all of my willpower into preventing a panic attack instead of actually productive things like my course work. they might end up becoming a crutch. i don't care. it's a hormone. all i know is that being awake is too exhausting
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self.Anxiety
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I just need someone to talk to about my problems. Please [deleted]
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self.depression
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IM STILL HERE, LIFE! IM STILL HERE YOU SADISTIC WHORE! [removed]
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self.depression
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The only thing keeping me alive is my pets. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don’t like how my best friend has changed [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Fuck the guy who raped our girlfriend and is still trying to be our friend So let me preface this with my BF and I are in a triad relationship with this one girl who is poly. She has her own partners as well. The guy who raped her was her 'main partner', someone she cared very much about. Now to continue.
So the last few months have been really stressful on their relationship as well as our relationship with her. She's been busy with school and work, and also been wanting more intimacy with women, so she has been a little distant from men. However, her BF and guy who raped her (We'll call him V) has been pressuring her. They have an open relationship and he had all the chances and opportunity in the world to find a female partner for himself, but he didn't. Hell he could have made an effort to even find a female partner for both of them, but again he didn't.
Well about a month ago she hooked up with a FTM boy (pre-T) and this apparently pissed V off like crazy. I get that he was upset because the boy she hooked up (we'll refer to him as G) with is using male pronouns, but the parts are what she's looking for. So like I understand that frustration, but his solution was total shit.
The night in question went down like this essentially:
Our GF was hanging out with G, but also fighting via text with V. I don't know what about and she doesn't even remember. But she eventually just stopped talking to him. Well this was also the first night that her and G actually had sex. Well, shortly after her and G got finished having sex, V barged into her room. Her and G were naked and V tells G to leave. Her and G go to get dressed, but V tells her to not get dressed. I guess G was worried about leaving, but she told G to go because she knew something bad was going to be happening.
He then proceeded to rape her.
She says things get really fuzzy during, but after he finished he admitted that he wasn't sure that what he just did was consensual sex. She got really sick from it, but she says it's happened before and they thing she was having trouble with was who did it. She really really trusted V. This was totally unexpected.
She tried to work it out, but she couldn't move past it so she officially ended the relationship. But during the weeks she was trying to give him another chance, he just suddenly started being super friendly and talkative to a lot of people. My BF and I especially. She asked everyone who found out about it to be civil to him, so we were, but my BF and I were fuming. After she officially ended it, she said we didn't have to be civil towards him anymore. So my BF and I pulled him aside the next time we saw him and told him we weren't okay with what he did and how he's been acting so we didn't want to be friends with him. His being overly friendly, when looking at the big picture, seemed so fake. Like he was trying to quickly win people over before they found out about what happened. We weren't cool with it.
Now, he's trying to talk to my BF and I via FB messenger acting like we can still be friends even after we said no to him. We haven't responded to him and he's just getting angrier and angrier with the messages. He also is apparently talking shit about us to a mutual friend of ours and she's just relaying it back to us because she thinks V is being a complete asshole.
I don't know if he really thinks he can salvage any relationship he had with anyone close to our GF or if he is just throwing a tantrum, but it makes me want to punch him.
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self.offmychest
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How do you deal with hypersexuality? I'm having a tough time with this.
It's not that I'm going around screwing a whole bunch of people, it's just that, if sex presents itself, I will always choose sex over whatever task I should be doing instead.
It's like I can't prioritize anything above sex and it's become a problem.
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self.bipolar
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no more I can't stand this. The pressure, the constant pressure and stress. The jokes, the eyes, the disappointment... it's too much...
I decided to come around here since I don't like hotlines... reddit is the only thing keeping me sane...
I have deep wounds and nasty scars... reminding me of the torment my mind has put me through.
Over and over again I am reminded of my worthlessness when all those opportunities I had been seeking fly past me at the speed of light. My struggle to ask... my shyness and embarrassment... I can't take it anymore...
I am the one to blame for my own failures. My actions reflect who I am... I am nothing but a failure... a worthless failure that can't do anything right...
I have panic attacks with every breath, I refuse to believe there is anything wrong with me... that would only add to the liabilities my existence brings to those around me.
3 attempts so far, I can only hope for some luck.
Sorry for wasting your time, I'll delete this and... idk...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Ultra manic and irritable every holiday I'm diagnosed with bipolar 1 mixed. For the last four years, I have become unpleasant manic with strong irritably where I am throwing things, yelling, and hiding upstairs so my extended family doesn't see me yelling, though I know I'm not hiding it well. My family has tried to help me by providing quiet, small, and non-stressful holidays, but the same thing happens. I'm getting to where I dread holidays because either I will feel miserable because I'm so irritable or I'll feel guilty later for being manic and making everyone else's holiday horrible. I'm about ready to not celebrate at all with how miserable they are for everyone because of me. Normally, my lithium does a good job of helping me be in control, so this is no longer a normal occurring thing on lithium. Only on holidays. Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone have suggestions? Thank you!!
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self.bipolar
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Stop FOLLOWING POLITICS AND STOP LIVING A LIFE OF FEAR! Seriously do it you can still vote but man all that 24 hours new cycle shit is going to do is end up breaking you. just quit that shit.
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self.Anxiety
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Signed up for an online suicide prevention based therapy, because my regular therapist isn't helping much, and got declined because I'm already seeing someone. I told them how much I am struggling. My therapist just doesn't seem to think it is serious enough and I have trouble telling her. Feel like all hope is lost now. Fml.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't go up to talk to a girl I like? Been this way for a while. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Where do you go when there is no more? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Vent post I guess, Or suicide note idk I'm tired and its the fun part of the night where I google overdoses break down nearly do it then quit. I'm Fucking sick of it I would message a friend but their all either suicidal or would straight up call someone. I don't have anything to live for, I sound spoiled, middle class white british and I'm claiming this is an issue. I know their will be good moments but their so small and the bad ones outweigh them, I can see my whole life layed out in front of me and its a mess, fail mocks because I haven't studied scrape a pass in my gcses and pick courses I'll grow to hate at A level, get in debt for a degree or spend years thinking I'm dumb, mediocre job husband I don't really love get pregnant on accident don't have the heart to abort start my toxic family structure all over again achieve nothing drift away from my friends. I have no reason to stay alive, my friends are in shit places, one of them confessed one day theyre just gonna kill themselves, they tried yesterday but failed. I have 6 days before an overdose kills me. Im afraid to die but I'm so fucking tired of living.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Failing college, considering to go work with friend across country.. conflicted. I'm a junior in college. I have been going to school every day, but I don't have the mentality to study. If I set aside enough time to learn the material, I'll get it, but I keep putting it off because I don't have that motivation.
Currently riding on a 2.4 GPA and I don't want to waste any more time and money if I know that I'll end up failing each semester.
My friend has been working across country, doing renovating jobs. He can start me off, but that's a commitment that I'm not to sure about as yet..
* I can go to another college to reset my GPA, if I do plan on going back to school.
* I'll have enough money to buy a better car and pay for school, along with 3 more years of FAFSA
* Traveling
* Taking a break from school to find who I want to be
I always thought that I'd finish college in the 4 years I was suppose to, but that didn't work out. High School was easier, and I was doing advanced courses. Guess it's finding time to study the much harder workload that's bothering me.
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self.offmychest
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Have any of you Ever tried moclobemide before? Background: I have bipolar 2, and a co-morbid anxiety problem of some sort that hasn't been formally diagnosed (unless they ended up diagnosing me with panic disorder and haven't flat out told me, and that's a possibility). I say this because I suffer from anxiety, periods of panic attack, and periods of obsessive thoughts. But no one has formally diagnosed me and just tried to treat those things. Bipolar 2 has been formally diagnosed.
Ok that aside: mood stabilizers stabilize my mood, but not at euthymia. I still end up terribly terribly depressed, and it's persistent. As such, I've always had to take an antidepressant, as I don't respond well to antipsychotics (and also don't think they're safe). I've tried five different antipsychotics. No luck. Some luck with antidepressants.
I took Effexor for years, but then it stopped working. I haven't really been able to find one that has helped since then. The closest I've come is Trintellix, which I take now. But it isn't fully treating my anxiety problems, and I have to take Provigil on top of it. Ultimately, I don't know if Trintellix is the right drug for those reasons, and as I look ahead, I can't afford to be taking four medications in the near future.
Ok so what else? Well, I've tried Zoloft, Cymbalta, Trazodone, Fetzima, Wellbutrin, Celexa. I think that's all of them. Because I struggle with suicidal ideation, many of the older ones are really not an option.
But moclobemide, while an MAOI, seems safe. Wikipedia says that it isn't lethal in overdose like other MAOI's, doesn't have any of the dietary restrictions (though you should probably try and not eat copious copious amount of tyramine), and the side effect profile seems pretty mild. If this is all true, and has the *oomph* of other MAOI's, in that it hits all the receptors by virtue of arguing monoamine oxidades, then it could be promising.
I'm the first to admit that science really is not at the point where it has a strong grasp on the neuropsychiatry of bipolar disorder, and that many of the hypotheses are educated guesses (that may someday be proven correct, but right now, aren't, and most psychiatrists and clinicians are forthcoming about this and it's kind of "in the background" of their practice rather a guiding principle.
With that said, it seems like the general consensus is that the mood shifts in bipolar disorder are linked to dopamine, and bipolar depression is manifest through low levels of dopamine. I'm personally a bit skeptical because parkinson/restless leg/akathisia type symptoms are not indicative of bipolar depression, and low dopamine would bring those things on in my limited neurological opinion.
But let's give it the benefit of the doubt. Dopamine. Well, there aren't many antidepressants that will cover it.
I've heard of a lot of people taking Emsam and having *great* luck with it. But it doesn't seem like a good fit for me, in part because I swim a lot, and also because it's not available back home, and leaving the US is a very real possibility once I graduate.
But Emsam is also an MAOI like Moclobemide. So, maybe it would be the "miracle" drug I need?
Have any of you tried it?
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self.bipolar
|
I can’t escape my shitty life and nobody understands that I’m actually sick [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Rant I'm always there for everyone. I always try to be nice, and a good friend. I stress myself out over saying something wrong constantly. And all I get in return is bullshit people who fucking hate me. I'm sorry I'm not fucking talented or good at anything, do you have to constantly remind me of that shit. Even if if i jokingly suggest that I'll succeed at something I want to do, no one can even fucking entertain the idea before fucking shutting me down. Well fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. People just see me as an extra or a comic relief character, no one gives me any Godamn respect no matter how much I give them. Why can't I be happy? Why do I have to hurt constantly? Why does God hate me?
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self.depression
|
ELI5: Medication Schedule Hello Reddit, yesterday i got medication to help in my battle with our worst enemy. I got 2 different ones, 1 i should take "in the morning" and the other i should take "in the evening". Now i don't understand if this means i should take them at the time "healthy" people consider morning and evening or the way my body experiences morning and evening: i did not sleep at night for almost 3 years now, exclusively during daytime. so it is currently 2 pm and i just got up, am i supposed to take the morning pill now? i know its best to ask the doctor but she is not available anymore today.
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self.depression
|
Every time I think of ending it I become so happy. 29M Hi everyone!
I know and I agree. 9/10 times you should keep fighting, 9/10 times you should keep on keeping on and things will get better, look more clear and one day you will be out of the hole, but not for me.
The right thing for me is to die. It absolutely is. There is no need to carry on. I am bipolar, I suffer from several illness that makes me slow, mellow and fatigued. I don't have the energy for anything. My day today has been spend laying in bed. All day... I simply have no more to give and no more energy to put into living and it's just too painful. The doctors don't have any solutions or treatments lined up and I am just waiting to die, so why not go ahead and accept my fate? That's what I will do. :)
I am not saying life is bad and I wish you all a very, very good and prosperous lifes. Live strong and be kind to each other. I wish I could get a redo in order to try being a good and happy person, but I can only dream of it for the last little time I am here!
Take care everyone, I love you!
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self.SuicideWatch
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