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Depression for life It recently occurred to me that I've probably been depressed ever since I was a small child. I'm 30 now and I think I just don't know what life feels like without depression. Of course there are ups and downs over the years.
In therapy my diagnosis was mostly everything but depression, because it largely seems to be measured in comparison to how you felt before, how well you slept before, whether you cry more than before, have more dark thoughts than before. Well, for me there's no before, it's always been bad.
The possibility of childhood depression going on for a whole life seems to be left out of the equation and therapy seems to put focus on getting health back the way it was before the depressive episode.
Anybody else feel that way?
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self.depression
|
Depression has grabbed me by my throat and won't let go. Slowly it's choking me to death.
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self.depression
|
Things are even worse I haven't left my bed in 2 days my bed doesn't even have sheets on them I can't get the energy to put any on. Any time I try to move I start to sob and curl up into a ball I don't want to live at all i just want to bash my head into the wall my thighs are bruised from me dragging my nails across them I feel like I'm going to kill myself this week I haven't really talked to anyone in the past 2 months I hope nobody is sad when I go I just don't want to be in pain anymore I know people say "you are only 17! You have so much ahead of you" but I really don't i have all Fs and I'm too suicidal to move my dad told me I'm just lazy and don't want to do anything I feel like it's true I think I deserve to die but at the same time i feel like I don't deserve to kill myself because I'm too awful to deserve to be at peace and rest well for once in my life I just have no energy and nothing going for me all I do is sleep I woke up at 10am and as soon as i got up i just drank a shit ton of Nyquil and took some melatonin and slept till 6pm I started crying as soon as I woke up i really can't handle it anymore fgfrth my therapist didn't even see me this week I think it's a sign and my girlfriend is also isolating herself I think it's my fault I'm just too negative I can't be alive
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self.bipolar
|
Relationships and anxiety I hate how valentines makes me feel. I just wanted to fall asleep next to someone I cared about.
I don't want to get in a relationship because I'm really really sensitive and it scares me to give someone the ability to effect me emotionally.
Yet.....
I just really want to feel happy. I crave for love and happiness like ppl crave for money and success
all I want in my life is a relationship. I want to make someone happy and love them. I want to feel special and that I matter and exist in someone's life so much they would be sad when I left.... But my anxiety makes me feel unlovable because I'm alot. Knowing that I am my own worst enemy is so upsetting.
They tell me to talk thru my anxiety but most ppl don't understand my anxious thoughts. I feel so alone in life all the time. I live in my head because it's easier having an anxiety attack alone vs in front of someone who you care for and seeing in their eyes how pitiful you are to them.
I don't know how to date. I know how to survive.
.
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self.Anxiety
|
Why does the loneliness and lack of self-worth feel like it’s constantly over my head? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
[16M] Is it normal to be unable to connect with anyone after experiencing loss? I have nobody in my life right now, and life seems meaningless because of it. I think that committing suicide is a good idea, but I want to give it a few years first until I really really can't take it anymore before I go there.
I've seen a lot of horrible stuff in my life, and I don't doubt that I will become a sociopath or criminal because of it down the road. So maybe it is better that I kill myself sooner rather than later.
I was raised by my mom and her brother, who was into a lot of trouble with both the law and other criminals. I witnessed him being assaulted four times as a little kid, and he would have shouting matches on the phone with people every night. My mom finally kicked him out when I was 11, and I never saw him again.
My mom died of cancer last July. She'd been fighting lung cancer since before I was born. We had a terrible relationship, but there were still a few good moments that can never come back now.
As fate would have it, my only friend also died of cancer last year. He was only 18.
I live with a friend of my mom's currently. She has a kind heart and gives me food and a place to live, but we barely say a word to one another.
I'm so used to being forgotten, to have promises broken on a whim. If I respect people, I want to get it back, and I usually don't. I'm seen as a cold guy with a mean face, and most people at my school by now think I'm going to go on a rampage and they steer clear of me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't love anyone either. If I saw a stranger dying, I would be more likely to either ignore them or say, "sucks to be you" than I would to try to comfort them in their last moments. I know I'm a terrible person for feeling that way, but I know that is the treatment I would also get in that situation. I don't want to be a sociopath or a narcissist, but I feel the world gives me no other choice at times. If I start to care for someone, they pass away or turn against me.
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self.depression
|
Should I be dating? I know the saying goes, when in recovery, you should start with a plant, then a pet, then a person.
I'm about a month out of an IOP program, 10 months out of my last bout of inpatient stays (18 days in total). I still see my therapist weekly. I am still dealing with some nasty abandonment issues and general mistrust of people. I get very paranoid sometimes that people are out to get me or have ulterior motives.
I've been questioning my sexuality as of late (within the last couple of weeks), realizing that I may like females more than males (I'm female). I don't know. I might like them equally tbh. So I tried the dating apps with females and found this one girl who I really connected with. We talked everyday for about a week and even met in real life. But she ghosted me yesterday. So I'm now realizing that dating females isn't any easier than dating males. I'm pretty upset. I really liked her, and I feel abandoned and hurt.
I should also disclose that I've never had a serious relationship. I'm 24, almost 25, and have never so much as went on a date where the other person pays. Last year, I got so frustrated that I was still a virgin that I just gave it up to the first guy who wanted it on Tinder. I'm starting to regret it, but too late now.
I'm afraid that love is just something I wasn't meant for. I'm afraid that I'm not supposed to love, and no one is supposed to love me. I'm also afraid that I am missing out on my youth by not exploring with intimacy with other people. I'm probably never going to be prettier than I am at 24. I also just lost 90 pounds (still working on it), so I'm very close to looking my best.
So should I still try to date? Should I keep going on these dating apps? Or should I continue to work on my issues and put dating on hold? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
|
This is going to sound chessy,but to get out of depression I gotta learn to use my brain instead of being impulsive. I gotta try to use my brain, I gotta focus at the task at hand.
Gotta stop overthinking about what is going to happen, and focus on only what I am doing to do to get out of whatever life throws at me.
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self.depression
|
Spouse making it worse? My husband refuses to even try to understand that my anxiety makes me feel physically ill and that panic attacks have real symptoms. He insists I am faking and screams at me which only makes it worse. I become so anxious around him trying to NOT be anxious it’s horrible. He is currently threatening to have an affair and teasing that he already does that. I can’t win. He wants me both off meds and on meds. Wants me to be in therapy weekly but becomes livid when I have to pay the copay. I can’t win. I’m so frustrated. I know if I wasn’t less anxious and worried all of the time things would be better but he doesn’t ease up. My parents have heard some of this and won’t comr around me if he is around. I feel so alone and isolated
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self.Anxiety
|
Previously diagnosed with MDD, suspect a misdiagnosis or shift to bipolar. Broke and UNINSURED IN THE UNITED STATES- what do I do? (potential tW) Greetings- been lurking here for about a month.
I've struggled with Major Depression for most of my life (diagnosed in my teens, am now 26), and believed myself to be relatively stable for some time, however after a resurgence of depressed symptoms, along with a host of disturbing symptoms (intrusive suicidal thoughts, self harm relapse, eating disorder relapse, substance abuse, etc) that I suspect are related to my first (notable) manic or mixed episode, I am concerned that I may have been misdiagnosed, or that my disorder has "evolved" into BP.
I am now in desperate need of an evaluation/treatment, however I am uninsured, and have no way of affording health insurance that allots any sort of mental health or prescription benefits.
I have received quotes from multiple psychiatrists stating that an evaluation will cost between $150 and $250, and subsequent monthly followups run upwards of $110. Top that with the cost of any meds they might prescribe me, and I'll be paying more to stay sane than I pay to feed and shelter my family.
Does anyone have experience with this? What did you do in this situation, or what would you do if this were your situation? Any advice, resources, links...anything would be helpful.
Thanks for reading, and thanks to this community for all the good help and info I've already gotten just from lurking.
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self.bipolar
|
One more day If you look at my history. I’ve been talking about it for far too long. One more day. One more day till I leave this place. One more day the poison that I am will not infect the people I care about. One more day and the pain I feel will be gone. One more day....
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to die, but I don't have the courage to commit suicide I have no motivation to live. I don't see myself getting anywhere in life. I don't have any skills, talents, accomplishments, or any real hobbies. I hate that I'm so stupid, so selfish, so socially incompetent, so incapable of performing even the most basic tasks. I hate being a complete burden on everybody. My friends don't seem to care at all about me, and my family doesn't understand my depression at all. Hell, I don't even know if I can understand it myself either. It's hard to articulate, but the best I can put it is that half the time, I feel like I'm just lying to myself and using depression as an excuse to be like this. My parents have always told me that I shouldn't even be depressed, considering how easy I have life compared to others, and as much as I hate to say it, I agree. As much as I really just want to fix everything, I feel like I just want to kill myself. But I can't do it. I don't know why, but I can't. No matter how badly I want to do it, I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I'll just have to learn to accept living like this.
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self.depression
|
Sometimes, on slow nights like this, I say to myself "Maybe I'll kill myself tonight" [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I don’t know why I did what I did and I can’t stop thinking about it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Possible missed dose of lamotrigine What are some withdrawal symptoms you have felt after one missed dose of lamotrigine?
Plus: What prescription were you at when you missed the dose and experienced withdrawal symptoms? Did you have any longer term effects, or was it fine the next day when you picked up again?
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self.bipolar
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Trying not to have my first meltdown of the year and I didn't know where else to post [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
My family underestimate my depression and say it's just me following other depressed teens. It frustrates me that no one takes my feelings seriously. I don't want to talk to anyone, I isolate myself but deep down I just want to be normal again. I failed my SAT's and that was my only way out of my situation. I feel guilty that my mood and my sadness affects my family but I can't help it. And not being able to control it just makes it worse. I can't make connections with anyone. Everyone my age is traveling or in relationships and here I am, sad and crying myself to sleep at night. I feel hopeless and stupid. I'm 18. I should be out there living my best life but I'm just wasting away in my bed.
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self.depression
|
How to deal with these bad group members? :( For my final senior project, my friend who is extremely childish asked me to join her group. And just now I’m realizing this is the biggest mistake I’ve done.
I’m a high honor student and this course has a big number of credits so if I got a bad grade my GPA will decrease a lot.
In this group project, each person should get two roles and produce a short film. I choose to be the screenwriter. I worked really hard on the screenplay and asked for many people for feedback until It was perfect. However, my friend who did not even read my screenplay wanted to change most part of it, and add some random scenes that add up nothing to the story. I was initially so annoyed but since I don’t like to impose my ideas on other I accepted it.
During the shooting, she did nothing. She was joking around with the actress and annoying me. I didn’t have time to plan in advance and my group was mostly speaking a language I don’t understand. They did not even make the effort to read my screenplay in order to plan accordingly.
I ended up editing the video (which is my friend’s role) and she was just complaining at it.
Today we had the screening of the movies and all the other groups did an amazing job and ours was the worst. The professors didn’t understand the parts of the screenplay that my friend added. And the worst thing is that I am the screenwriter so I will be graded on it even though they didn’t film my initial idea. I felt so bad cause I know I’ve got so much more potential but with a group like this, I can’t do much.
I asked them today to reshoot the whole film because I am not happy with it, and the actress complained that she don’t have time. And I also said we should add the some parts from the screenplay. My friend literally said she don’t care about grades and we can do whatever we want. Meaning, she is not going to do anything. I am so annoyed right now, and is thinking of talking with the professor about it but I don’t know if I should? I also thought of confronting my friend of her behavior.
What should I do in this situation?
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self.offmychest
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How to deal with depression around family? I’m going on a vacation soon and am staying with family and am wondering how you guys hide depression when in constant contact with family
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self.depression
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My sister's funeral director was an asshole. [NAW] My sister recently passed away, and the funeral home my parents and I used did a good job but two things that the director did made me angry.
1) Tried to steer us away from having an open casket because my sister had dyed pink hair. Like, what? The people who loved her are still going to want to see her and say goodbye even if her hair is a different color from what you would like. Why would we hide her?
2) We gave them underwear, bra, and her favorite sweater dress, and that's it. They called two more times asking for shoes after we explained we wanted her barefoot. My sister didn't like wearing shoes on pavement, she would have hated wearing them in her satin lined casket. No one sees the feet, anyway.
Just a reminder that if your profession works with greiving people, listen to them. Thanks, bye
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self.offmychest
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Worst night ever So I decided to go out last night up to Sonora. Which is an hour from where I live. My friend was telling me to come and go bar hopping with him. So we did. And he told me I could crash at his place. Long story short I ended up getting ditched by my friend and was alone all night. I was an hour away from home with nowhere to stay. My friend ditched me probably for another girl. So I was all alone in a back of a bar scared and eventually started panicking and crying. And while this was happening I kept getting hit on by older men. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt stupid and foolish for even going out. I thought he was my friend. But knowing now he is clearly not my friend. Anyways I ended up at a motel paid 100$ for a room and cried all night. I’ve never felt so stupid and left behind. I wanted to go home but I didn’t want to risk getting a dui no way. So I walked to the nearest motel. I honestly hate people. I’ve never felt so low in my life. I blocked him on Facebook and messaging everything. I deserve more than a disgusting drunk night. I’m tired of being treated like nothing. I think I handled things pretty well for what I was facing but I was still scared. There were creeps around left and right and even one drunk guy randomly got into my car like it was nothing! I was sitting in my car contemplating if I should try to go home or stay at a motel. And he randomly got into my passenger seat. I screamed GET OUT! He could have hurt me. I could have been really hurt out there. Only one guy actually tried to help me. And get me safe somewhere. But just the fact that this guy left me stranded at a drunken bar is NOT ok. You would think he would at least let me sleep on the floor or something! But nooo my safety isn’t important. Fucking bullshit. I need new better friends who support me and want the best. Ughhh I’m still mad at what happened. I’m just glad I didn’t drive home drunk I wouldn’t have gotten far. God was really shielding me last night. And I’m so glad I got home eventually.
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self.depression
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Haiku (Real life experience) This is a real life situation that happened to me a few days ago in the school therapist's waiting room. I gave up writing a long time ago because my self-diagnosed dysphoria made me feel like it wasn't worth it for years. I have gotten so low in my life that I'm starting to write again as it's my only constructive outlet...and it feels good. I know it's shit and many of you will think so as well, but my hope is that at least one person can resonate and I can make someone feel like they aren't misunderstood and they are not alone.
**Untitled**
Checking yes and no
on the form asking myself
if I want to die.
“You can not choose both.”,
and yet I can still feel both.
“I am sorry ma’am.”
“Please take a seat sir.”
I sit in a stuffy room
feeling even worse.
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self.depression
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Question that inner critic that tells you that you aren't good enough or that you are stupid,fat or anything else it says! your thoughts aren't always right just because you believe you aren't good enough doesn't mean you are!
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self.depression
|
Solo Traveling in a different country I'm in Amsterdam in a hostel away from home. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to force myself to meet people but here I am in a packed dorm not having had a meaningful conversation with anyone. Meanwhile there are dorm beds empty as girls keep shacking up with guys they've known for less than a day.
Think some people are meant to die alone?
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self.depression
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I need someone to talk to.... Thinking things over about my future with this girl, ugh it's complicated...
Anyone ears out their so I can get your opinions. Thanks...
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self.depression
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Quit drinking and started on meds again, this is day 1. When I was first diagnosed with GAD at 16, I was put on meds and they worked well four almost four years. I came off of both my depression and anxiety meds around 20 and moved half way across the country from home. Surprisingly, I was fine for the first year or so, even after just having come off medication. I've learned a lot of coping methods in my years of therapy that worked wonderfully.
About a year ago, nearly two years without meds, I started noticing that I was having to use my coping methods more than the past few years. I told myself I would overcome this and not have to go back on meds. Unfortunately things only slowly got worse.
About four months ago, I flew out to San Francisco to my sister's house, and the rest of my family flew out as well for a week long family vacation. This vacation put me on edge and things were pretty bad, but I still had fun. However, a lot of that fun came with drinking, something my family does well. Drank every night over that one week period. I flew back home and continued to drink as I guess I learned that it helped to stave off ill emotions, but didn't get rid of them. Since about two week ago, I had been binge drinking a lot ever since that vacation a few months ago. Along with the excess drinking I also got very bad anxiety and quite a few panic attacks.
With the new year around the corner, I decided this had to stop, and I wasn't going to wait for January first to start. I stopped the excessive drinking, which was difficult at first, as I tend to have self control issues, but I stopped completely. I'm even a bartender, so having it sit in front of me half the day made it especially difficult, I quit.
Come the first and my new insurance kicks in. Immediatly I schedule an appointment for primary care to see a doctor. That appointment was a few hours ago and I told the doctor everything I just told you guys. I thought she was going to have to refer me to a psychiatrist, but she just gave me meds on the spot.
So this is day one of the meds and I've got a good feeling about this now. I guess I'm here because I'm proud of myself for not allowing a mental illness to take over, and frankly, I don't have anyone else to tell.
Edit: TL;DR: Anxiety comes back, self medicated with alcohol, recently quit drinking and just started meds again. Looking forward to the results.
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self.Anxiety
|
Whats the point What is the fucking point. We're going to die one day anyway so what is the point of continuing to live if everyday is just a struggle. Just what the fuck. The only reason I'm alive is becauss my dad is still alive but if he died id be gone. But either way what does it matter I dont even know why I exist and if he or everything could be a figment of my imagination. Just what the fuck. What us existence why am I existing right now and what even is sadness why do I have to feel bad what fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
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self.depression
|
DAE experience “Work place” anxiety? Don’t know if that’s even a thing, but I find that I’m a completely different person at work. I get a knot in my stomach when I walk thru the doors, and get so nervous when talking to anyone who is higher up than me. It’s like sometimes I can’t even get words out when speaking to someone bc I am so anxious. Sometimes I’ll say stuff that’s out of character for me and I’m like “wtf did I just say?, that makes 0 sense”.
When I leave work for the day, I find myself sitting in silence on the ride home thinking about everything that happened at work that day, everything that I said, etc. Its like a continuous loop of wondering what my bosses think of me. Also, this anxious feeling I have while at work feels like it hurts my performance. Sometimes my memory is clouded and I have trouble remembering things because I’m so wound up during the day. I stress myself out so much worrying about my perception at work.
Sorry for the long post. Pretty new to Reddit and this is my first post. Also want to mention that I have been diagnosed with OCC & GAD and take meds for both, but they don’t seem to really work.
Thanks for the help guys.
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self.Anxiety
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Should I quit my job? I need some urgent advice. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Therapy it saddens me knowing that in college the only time you will receive help for mental illness is when it’s already too late. if a student is telling you “i feel my sanity deteriorating” your next question is immediately “are you suicidal?” if i answer no, does that make me any less of a threat to myself? When I go home from that appointment I am still afraid of everything I do. I am scared of receiving a grade any lower than an 85 on any of my assignments so I stare at my calendar and plan 2 weeks ahead hour by hour. If I don’t spend every hour of every day according to schedule I break down and fear the end of my college career. I stay up all night finishing assignments that I didn’t have time to do until last minute because the rest of the time I spent stuck in my mind about god knows what I can’t remember fucking anything anymore. I fear that if I fall asleep alone I will stop breathing and nobody will save me, if I stay awake for too long doing my homework my brain will get tired faster than my body and I will have sleep paralysis, would never waking up really be that bad? Is that the thought you want to hear?
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self.offmychest
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The memes on this sub are what get me through the day Thank you, creative people
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self.bipolar
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I feel like my will to live is very fragile and dependent [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m new I’m new to this subreddit but I’m very grateful to be here ! I’m 21, I got diagnosed as manic depression (type 2) in October. Previously I was missed diagnosed with depression and general anxiety. I’ve been on and off the same medication since I was 16. It’s currently not working so I’ve had to take a break again to try something new. I’m currently coming out of this depression part of my cycle. Usually the hypomania comes next because I’m so stressed out about how hard I fucked up whatever happened in the 3/4 weeks of depression. I struggle a lot with trying to cope self harm. I use to cut for almost two years when I was in high school, which was be main reason I got on medication to begin with. Throughout the years (16-21) I’ve gone on a few binders. When I was younger it was MDMA & alcohol, when I became older it was alcohol. But was all stopped by the fact that I was pregnant. My kids have been the only reason why I haven’t slipped back into drugs or alcohol. I’m currently in outpatient treatment, I guess you would call it that. I go see two doctors to talk and sort out my feelings and try and find a program fitting for me. This has been the hardest fight of my life. I thought this was over but after I had my son it creeped right back for revenge. I had him in 2016 and I’ve basically missed half of his life because I don’t remember from being so depressed or my anxiety. I’m in this place in my life now where I don’t even know where I am at everyday waking up. I feel like I don’t have a path anymore. I’ve lost focus in my career right now, I’m trying to pull myself back into this but I can’t. I’m mentally so exhausted I just feel useless. I fight so hard everyday to keep myself alive and calm, and then my two kids all alone. I choose to put myself here and I constantly wish I didn’t. I wish I could have given them a better start, or a better life currently. I have a job interview Wednesday, on Valentine’s Day. This is the first job I’ve gone to since October when I tried to kill myself. I left a job after one orientation because it was a trigger to me basically. I had to hold myself back from saying things, or doing things to this crazy woman who I found out lied about having cancer. I hold hope for this job, I hope this can change my routine into something healthy and I can actually enjoy going to work again. I miss life, I miss being able to enjoy life, I just miss me.
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self.bipolar
|
i'll never be like them sorry, i'm just using this as a venting ground to share my thoughts.
all the people i look up to and admire are so.. strong, and personable, and friendly
i can't ever be that, even if i try. all i ever hear is "you're so shy" and "why do you never talk?" and it just kills me. i wish i could be funny and friendly. i wish i could stand with my friends and crack jokes without being self deprecating and making everyone else uncomfortable. i'm visibly different from other people and it scares them away. all the dreams i have of going out with my friends, spending days at home with them, will never happen because i'm incapable of being close to people
and i don't even know how to fix it
thanks for listening. don't worry, i'm still holding out for things to get better
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self.depression
|
Can depressives help each other? I un-subbed from this page a while ago for my own good as it was (obviously) depressing, but I found myself back here today as the pre-Christmas dread sets in and just looking through the daily thread there's this intense desire to help pulling against the other acknowledgement that I'd probably make things worse. Over three thousand lost people in one thread alone is so startling and tragic, looking through people's profiles after they describe their suicidal thoughts, checking how long ago their last post was and wondering if they're still alive and if there'd be anything I could say to keep them going. Do I *have* anything to say to keep them going? Can we help each other, or is there a risk of amplifying our own feelings?
I found myself in a strange dilemma recently where I reached out to someone who was going through a difficult time at work hoping I could empathise and offer some comfort, but I realised the more I talked with her that I'm still in no position myself to offer counsel and in some respects was still in as deep a hole as she was. Since then I don't tend to get involved in "the community" as I'm afraid of doing more harm than good, and was arrogant to think I could help.
Has anyone on either side of the fence found that talking with fellow sufferers has helped, or that you've been able to help someone through your own experiences? Logically you'd think three thousand lonely people have an immediate and obvious solution in each other, but I still hesitate at the thought of suggesting the establishing of some proper get-together scenario.
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self.depression
|
I just need to vent First time doing this, usually let it fester but I'm trying not to self harm anymore.
My boyfriend and I had a major fight today, a relationship ending one. He took me back but the guilty feeling and anxiety is remaining, because this fight made me realize that I truly am this despicable.
After my dad died, his 1st death anniversary is in a week, I went on a bender because I was in a different state and completely alone. I didn't drink or do drugs for some other reasons related to his death. I didn't know what to do. I had never had sex before, never properly dated a boy because I was too shy and nervous about it. I went on this boy flirting bender and did some wild, and dumb shit. I groupied bands, I tried to get a sugar daddy, etc. I didn't even sleep with all of the guys and I never compromised things that I felt were at the core of my morality. I was too scared to even do the bender properly. I probably slept with maybe 3 guys?
Thats what I thought I was doing at least, because I realize now that I truly was being a disgusting, slovenly whore. A guy who I went on a date with before my boyfriend texted me asking me to set him up with a friend. I did. The next day my boyfriend saw a text from him on my phone and our relationship went into meltdown.
Everything my boyfriend said to me is 100% correct and I absolutely deserve it. My mom knew it when she left me, my dad knew it when he died, and now my bf knows it. No matter how long and hard I try to hide it, I'm just someone you have to leave. I'm reprehensible, totally worthless. Ugly by all accounts to all walks, inside and out. I'm completely alone and will always be, because I'm just unlovable.
I feel totally alone, and I recognize that even posting this asking for people to help me not feel this way is selfish. I just feel so bad for hurting him, for not doing more to be better, for being so base. I feel like I'm ruining my dad's memory.
I feel like there are no more options. I always thought that love and relationships could get me through life, but how can I get through living when there's no one? It's so empty. If people who were supposed to love me for me can't love me, then its clear that I'm the problem. I'm the common thread. I'm like a shitty roommate, and I have to live inside my body with myself and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't think I'll actually do it, I'm too scared of it hurting, but this life hurts so much also.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
anyone feel like you're doing this to yourself? i keep thinking that i'm faking everything out, that i can move and be happy again but it's like i'm forcing myself to not be happy and i can't understand why. I don't know why i'm self harming and i don't know how i feel, whether happy or sad or neutral or anything.
it's like i intentionally make myself never get out of bed but i feel like i can, yet i can't do it.
I don't know please help
EDIT: like some sort of masochist that wants to do everything that will make me feel horrible.
EDIT 2: i also don't wake up with that "here we go again feeling" so it's like i'm faking this out. it drives me crazy. Also I don't see what's so wrong in self harming.
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self.depression
|
Is my cat sensing my panic attacks or just being an ass? So very recently I had a panic attack due to some pretty unfortunate events. My cat, a seal-point Siamese, started knawing on my hand. I know my ragged breathing probably annoyed him but he seemed slightly concerned. He got up and sat by my face and tried to gnaw on my cheek. Ive taught him that hes not allowed to nip or bite when he wants attention, but it seemed different. Once I started to settle he went back and curled up behind my legs and just laid there. Is this something that cats do or is he just being an attention seeker?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Conflicted happiness? Once I start making a plan to kill myself, I get this huge wave of relief that everything will be fine. If I attempt and fail I get stuck feeling so negative but the time in between that is pure bliss. Why is this? Does anyone else feel that conflicred emotion? I also still worry about the mental impact I would have on my ex & friends.... But I love the feeling of this short lived emotion. .. sorry rambles.
|
self.depression
|
Coping day-to-day How do you cope (not necessarily treat) your bad depression on a day-to-day basis? Daily mantra, eating, drugs.......? Whatever. What I do is tell myself that no matter what I will never feel better. Whether genetics or experiences its here to stay and I have to get mentally tougher. This help me filter real issues from otherwise non existent rhetoric in my head. How do you do it? Share
|
self.depression
|
I'm so lost... I just want to be myself again.I am full of anger,sadness,hate...can't escape.I am about to lost any trace of hope inside me.I can't take it anymore.I hate everyone for their happyness...I just want them to feel my pain.What the fuck we did to deserve this destoyed lives...I feel so lost,tired,empty...alone.How do you survive ?
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self.depression
|
Emotional and energy vampire An emotional and energy vampire is the person that feels low , lack of self worth , unhappy , negative , lack of self confidence , they search for prey until they find one , they suck her dry and leave with all the positive energy and good emotions , leaving the prey to die slowly and miserably , leaving their victims drained and powerless and confused and negative , that’s what emotional and energy vampires really are .
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self.offmychest
|
Hangovers make it all worse You feel like you're just going through the motions, like there's no point to anything anymore. You wonder why you even bothered to wake up in the morning when all you endure is pain. Your movements get more and more uncontrollable and your mind races.
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self.depression
|
TIL I'm an internet creep and scared someone of the internet Using a throwaway. Re-reading my story it sounds very rambly, but I'm kinda shaken by this. I'm open to any questions/will answer them 100% truthfully (safe some personal details). I want to give a full picture.
So I'm a dude and met this girl in an online game a few weeks back. We got to chatting/became friends. At some point when we talked about sex she said she was a virgin in real life (20 years old). Then, last weekend our chatting progressed to nudes on snapchat and some sexting. I was (am) completely new to this but kinda just went with it. She seemed *really* into this as well and kept on telling me how horny I made her etc.
This was all just text and I tried to get her on voice call way before we sent each other nudes (simply because I prefer doing this while I'm gaming instead of typing the entire time). She, however, was really shy about this and didn't really want that saying she was insecure about her voice.
2 days ago however (basically 2 days after we first sent each other nudes) I finally got her on call and we chatted for 2 hours. At the end I fucked up for real I think and tried to dirty talk in voice chat. This stumbled upon some awkwardness (I should've known before, of course), and we cut it short. Subsequently she said sorry a few times, and I said it didn't matter etc.
However, the day after she didn't respond when I asked her how a meeting went I knew she had that day. Then, 24 hours later I send an apology about how I shouldn't have tried to sex her up the other day etc. (as I thought this might be the reason why she didn't respond to me anymore) And I got this response:
"Erm yeh tbh u scare me so I'm gna quit the internet lol n if u could delete my nudes that would be great lmao thx"
I send her another more thorough apology in response (few hours later, I read it a bit late) and vowed to never contact her again/sext with another person on the internet ever again. However, she already deleted me on snapchat and presumably every other platform we had shared contact details on.
This is fucking with me real bad. Apparently I'm an internet creep and the worst part is I kinda get where she is coming from. I'm not asking anyone here to tell me it's not my fault because I know it obviously is (I was pushing it a bit too hard after that first time); but I really really need to share this right now because this really really shocks me for some reason.
|
self.offmychest
|
Running out of time I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 15, lived with constant bullying and humiliation and emotional neglect from my family and peers as a child. I am 30 now. I started CB therapy and Lithium 3 years ago after staying five nights in a psych ward.
It has not gotten easier. This disease is more overpowering than distress tolerance techniques or higher doses of Lithium or following a healthy lifestyle. The foundation of my character is nested in trauma; it's familiar to me, so I unconsciously seek it out.
I understand perfectly well why people with this disease choose to take their own lives. It's just hell.
I also know that within the next 5 - 10 years this disease will claim my life, painfully. My rapid-cycling mania and depression is essentially a hijacking of my executive control over my mind and body, and these recurrent episodes continue to push me a little bit closer to the knife's edge, so to speak.
I want to live, but not like this. This is not living. I have been in pain my whole life. The last thing that I want is to die painfully at the hand of this disease. I will not allow it. But as long as the road to a humane and peaceful death remain culturally obfuscated, then this disease will do the dirty work for me, and it will only hurt others.
Is there any way to have a civilized dialogue about this? My experience thus far has shown me that most people recoil at the thought of voluntary euthanasia, but are only marginally invested in the well-being of those with mental illness. I'm just trying to take a stand for what I have left of my life, to go peacefully, but it seems clear my community is perfectly okay with me living in pain, every day.
|
self.bipolar
|
I give up I don't do it easily. But congratulations.
I told myself you were just scared, defending yourself, thoughtless, hurting. Maybe you are all of those things but the denial's thick enough you believe your problems aren't there.
But tonight I reread a few things you sent me recently and I think I got it. You fucked somebody else, you were trying to tell me. And why wouldn't you?
I mean nothing to you. It's probably been that way since you drove away. I remember your last words to me. I walked away with a confused scowl on my face. Why are you talking like we just met? Why spend your one tender moment talking about something sexual?
I wish you knew what it's like to be in my head, all the stuff I wish I never saw. Ignorance is bliss they say and they're right.
I'm jealous of you. You get to not care. I thought you were just afraid. Now I realize you were wishing I'd go away.
At least one of us gets our wish. I just wish I'd closed up the second you drove away too.
I'm an idiot. You accused me of not wanting you but I've done nothing but want you and you don't want that either.
I hope it was good. I hope it was better than everything we shared. Cuz you threw away all of it. I hope it made what we did look like the killing time small talk why not fuck you made me feel like we were.
|
self.offmychest
|
Don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going to die soon. I know it is a common thing to think as I have health anxiety, but I just can’t seem to get the feeling away from me. I really feel my time is up soon and I’m not ready and I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.
Has anyone else gone through a time where they felt they were for sure going to die but didn’t? I know looking for reassurance isn’t going to save me, but I just need some comfort right now.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Driving your dog to Maine Over thanksgiving dinner my uncle told us about his friend from college, Andy.
Andy was relatively successful salesman in the Boston area in the couple decades after he graduated college. He had a house, car, all the stuff he wanted. But, he wanted to find something bigger. Who knows if it was spiritual or more of a vague existential longing, but he needed more.
So Andy sold everything, then went 40k or so in debt, and just left. He went to Louisiana. New Orleans.
He lived in a house made from the wood of old barges that came down the Mississippi to meet their geographic demise. There was no running water, electricity or heat. He got a dog, and he sold fish tacos made from fish he’d catch himself. He was content living off the land and with it. His best friend was his dog and the river. The dog grew old, and Andy wanted to help it in its old age. He had gotten in Maine, so he drove it back to its home to die.
This is the part of the story that serves as a punchline. Crazy vagrant selling food out of his shack brings his dog to Maine for its dying wish. Ridiculous.
But what if Andy is right on the money? Isn’t that the question everyone asks in their head when they here about an Andy? Who doesn’t look at their own life and wonder if what they’re doing is really worthwhile, and what makes Andy’s life so much *more* worthwhile than theirs? What is a worthwhile life and why does the cliche version of such a thing always involve growing a beard and living in the woods?
Who knows what a worthwhile life is. The world is filled with people living lives they think are worthwhile that aren’t and vice versa. I bet Christopher McCandless would tell you it’s not worthwhile because you just end up eating poison berries by accident. Or Cobain would say it can never be worthwhile because you’ll accomplish everything and still have nothing that feels okay except driving your shitty old Volvo.
My girlfriend just told me we have to take a break so I️ can work on my mental issues. I love her. I tried to say that a break would hurt me. I️ was going to introduce her to my parents tomorrow. I think I️ still will. She’s says she needs time. Can I️ trust her? Is it worthwhile? Is my life with her more worthwhile than a life without her?
I haven’t found a life worthwhile yet. I’ve been searching for years, and I am thankful that I think I can search a bit longer.
I wish I️ knew if Andy found it. If driving your dog to Maine go kick the bucket was the dream. Did that help? Was he happy living that life? Is it all that simple?
I don’t know if I’ll find it. I don’t know if Andy found it. I think it’s out there somewhere. Right now I think it might be in the bottom of a pill bottle.
Last week I almost stopped searching. This week I just wish I knew what it was I️ was searching for.
EDIT: you can spend all this time writing and then still get fucked with the I️ glitch
|
self.depression
|
In order to not be hated in my own house, I have to pretend to be someone I’m not. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Weird habits? Does anyone else ever make food and then just throw it all away for no reason? I thought I had gotten past doing that but here I am, still hungry from throwing out my dinner because I suddenly felt upset at it.
|
self.bipolar
|
i have 140 pills on one side of me and a suicide note on the other. i have been sitting here trying to figure out another way to cope w everything and i can’t. if any of you are out there and have anything that can help. please. i’m desperate. i just need relief. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to kill myself but don't want to hurt my mother I want to kill myself, but don't want to hurt my mother, my father has never cared about me so I don't worry about him but I know my mother would be devastated and don't know if she could get over it. Still I want to kill myself…
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Guess who just spent $800+ on Amazon for no reason!! [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
My wife can't cook. I'm a stay at home dad, just lucky enough to retire early. I also love to cook. For the last 4 years I've been consistently making dinner at least 4 nights a week. I've been cooking as a hobby for 30 years though.
Last week I made a cheese tortellini in meat sauce from scratch. The tomato sauce takes all day. The meat was a little chewy when I made it last week so I decided to try again. I took all day to prep yet here I am in the garage because my wife has taken all the ingredients that I
prepared and is busy fucking them up. She didn't brown the beef, she blacked it. The salt point is a distant memory and she added garlic POWDER to my sauce. Now I have to eat it because I'm going to make the kids eat it, not to mention telling my wife how well she did when she hasn't made anything more complex than mac and cheese in 6 months. She does have her meals. She makes some of the best gravy I've ever had and her desserts are great but after 9 years of marriage she should know when to get the fuck out of my kitchen. Whew.... thanks for listening everybody.
Edit: She made mac and cheese for our 4 year old because my youngest wouldn't touch dinner. My wife messed up mac and cheese from a box.
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self.offmychest
|
Every part of my life has fallen to pieces [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Back Where I Started Last Christmas Eve it was too much to bear. I told my husband we had to leave. I had decided that day was going to be my last and I couldn't take it anymore. Surrounded by family - but already dead inside, unable to feel any connection, any future, any purpose.
I was hospitalized the next day. The first of 7 inpatient hospitalizations over the course of the next year, including one stay in the ICU after a foiled attempt.
I have tried everything. I have had 29 ECT treatments. They work, but I need them on at least a weekly maintenance basis, and it is impossible to sustain that and work and maintain any sort of respectable cognitive functioning. So they put me on clozapine. Nobody knows what to do with me anymore.
My husband left me during the most recent hospitalization and later filed for divorce. I have nobody. I have nothing. I am 31 yrs old and am living back at home with my parents who trigger my CPTSD. My mother is also ill but has never been medicated and it is a toxic environment for me. They are angry about the divorce. They have not once sat down and tried to comfort me and tell me that everything will be okay - that it will all work out for the best. Not once. Instead, *they* are embarrassed. "What will people think?"
Every time I pass by a funeral home I wonder if I should put down a deposit. If it would meet my parent's "standards."
I just can't find a means I am comfortable with. I am going to die anyway, so why not expedite the inevitable? Everyone's story ends the same way, and nobody is reading mine anyway.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Feel bad every time I say something remotely not nice to someone Always with the stupidest shit... I'm trying to talk to my mom and my little sister keeps butting in so I said can you stop talking... Now I'm the one who feels bad about it. Honestly fucking sick of saying shit then feeling bad about it right after.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about my depression [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Everything is so beautiful but I don't want any of it. I just want to lay here, and starve, and
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Loss of appetite Hi all again. I’ve been losing my appetite lately and getting more and more anxious throughout the day. I no longer have insurance until January. I’m losing weight steadily, has this happened to anyone or does anyone have any suggestions on how to help solve this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Been dating my coworker/friend and I'm now realizing that work may be the end of us... We work in a restaurant where she's much closer to the family that owns it than I am so she recently took on a lot more responsibility which has stressed her out a lot... leading her to take it out on me. We used to talk and joke with each other at work but now that she's part of upper management, she's completely changed and just gets annoyed at me whenever I make a mistake. Dont like it when she brings that attitude outside of work either cuz it just makes me feel lonelier.
She also works A LOT. Like, probably more than 50 hours at work not including her schooling which is just a minor class that doesnt take up much of her time but considering I go to college and have a work schedule with her, we've pretty much never had a full day to ourselves. Everytime I see couples posting pictures of themselves doing daily things together it kills me. Or whenever I have to tell my friends my GF cant make it cuz she works, i die a little inside yknow? I feel like her workload has made her a bit more insensitive towards me as well.
And even though we've become really close and intimate, she doesnt consider us to be in a relationship because she doesn't have time for her own family let alone a relationship. This is despite the fact that sleep at her house every other night, drive over 15 minutes at 1am from my friend's house to her place just to cuddle and be with her, despite losing our virginities to each other and continuing to have sex with each other at least twice or three times a week... she still "doesn't have time for a relationship" despite saying she likes me more than a friend. She just works too damn much and I wanna do more things with her than hanging out with her at night after school or working together. But it just takes so much effort to plan things with her because our schedules are filled.
I asked her if she would be willing to lessen her workload but she says due to her circumstance of having a small immediate family that doesn't support financially at all, she has to work her hours the way they are, especially since she took on more responsibility. She said she needs all the money she can get so she can help her family out when they ask for money and so she can have enough money to go to college. I just really think work is putting a strain on us right now where work is definitely more important than me and I'm just her, idk, hobby? She has such a hard time defining what we are! I know what I want: I want to be in a relationship with her. She doesnt know what she wants other than to just be intimate with me. Her not wanting to be in a relationship with me despite what we've doing together really gives me anxiety. Like she'll leave me or that she doesn't care about me as much as she says she does. She even suggested that we might be friends with benefits which really pissed me off. She's from a different country so maybe she didnt understand fully what a FWB is.
I just really think I should quit work cuz to me, it's just a part time job getting me through college. I can find another, though probably less paying job, somewhere else and maybe we'll be better for it. Ive been recently thinking too that maybe if I just... tell her I want to take a break from whatever we've been doing and not contact her at all that maybe she'll realize how much she wants me in her life? IDK man... im so confused but I do know that I care for her, love her, and want to be with her.
|
self.offmychest
|
I can't eat or talk anymore I haven't been able to eat good ever since I got depressed when the start of summer came, this year.
My mom and everyone keeps worrying about me. They keep suggesting things for me to eat. But my stomach is linked to how I feel. I just feel too down to eat.
And I keep venting on Reddit and I swear that reddit is just making me more depressed.
People on reddit keep telling me things like: "Honestly? Between your posts here and on tumblr, you're such a manchild. Grow up, seriously. You literally sit around all day and whine and drink and harass people who don't want anything to do with you anymore. It's disgusting."
well I admit like a month ago I was being a bother to someone. I stopped completely cuz I realized in the end I was just being a bother to the people I care about.
I don't mean to bother anyone! I'm sorry!
and then someone else told me: "Time to wake up, Abu. You need a major shift in your personality. You're 30 years old but act and write like an angsty teenager. You're obsessed with hamsters and the Hamtaro game you've been working on for 15 years. Sorry to tell you this, but your game sucks balls. That's why nobody's playing it. Give it up, let it go."
But I WANT to work on my hamster games ;___;.. I'm making hamster rivals hangout..
and then everyone KEPT TELLING ME that I am posting in the wrong subreddits, so I decided that instead of posting in the Asperger syndrome subreddit and the anxiety subreddit and the rant subreddit and the vent subreddits like I usually do, I posted in the Gaming subreddit instead
but then this happened: https://i.imgur.com/2jvsixj.png people called me a troll and someone else replied saying "Stop harassing everyone." I DIDN'T MEAN To harass or troll anyone!! I have deleted the thread now because I don't want to be a bother.
I guess its silly for me to expect people to give a good response. Instead of calling me a troll, they should've said "Oh! Please do upload your videos of The Weeabootique." I spent the whole night recording videos of The Weeabootique. No one knows about it at ALL, so I was recording videos. They ended up being too big, though. (I just asked for technical help on the NVidia subreddit, and that thread was just downvoted to 0, though.)
I'm just really depressed. And I feel bad about something that I want to talk to someone about in private, also. Its not anything I usually talk about.
=(
|
self.depression
|
Any emotion I feel, feels like its too much or too little. I feel like its never enough to be worth mentioning to anyone because i cant describe it as anything more than different chestpain/itchiness/migraines that just sppear sometimes. Its ruined my whole life. [21F]
|
self.Anxiety
|
It's actually happened to me, I am contemplating suicide... [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Feeling Overwhelmed. Hey guys.
I'm kind of at the end of my rope here. I think I just need someone to talk to, and since there aren't many people that fit the bill I'll just post here.
I'm am not as far along as I want to be in my life... I just finished my two year degree in "General Studies" (after working on it for 5 years) because I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. Working Part-time and living out of a run-down rental home with two room mates. Barely making enough to pay my share of the bills. On top of all that my car no longer runs (ask me the story about my car - it's a different, really shitty story.)
My Fiancee has expressed her unhappiness with our living arrangement, and so have my room mates, so come May, we aren't renewing the lease. However, I'm not sure we'll be able to afford moving. As stated, I barely make enough to cover the bills, meaning it will be hard to save money for a security and pet deposit on a new place. We'd also have to move out of walking distance of my job, so I'd need a new car.
I just really don't know what to do. I've got 5-ish months to save up ~3000 dollars (cheapest apartment around here is about 700 a month, Security deposit is normally the price of rent so 1400 for deposit and one months rent and roughly 1500 for a new car.)
I'm scraping $50 every two weeks into my savings, basically praying for some kind of Christmas bonus from work and a decent tax return.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like I am failing as a partner to my fiancee. I feel like I am failing as a member of society.
I've thought about killing myself before. I never would, it's not who I am. But recently I fantasize about just getting on a bus and leaving everything behind. No friends, no pets, no partner, no job. Start living paycheck to paycheck somewhere were no one knows who I am so I can waste my life away.
Sometimes the urge gets really strong.
That's it, Thanks for Reading.
|
self.depression
|
I just had my second meet with my school's psychologist! Hi all of you!
As the title said, I just had my second meet/appointment with him and I for the first time in my life feel like I'm moving forward in my life.
I only a few months ago discovered anxiety has controlled my life for most of my life and I most likely than not have some other issue. He made me realise I have had it pretty tough but since I had no words for it I couldn't improve.
I'm happy I can finally start taking control and begin living soon.
I just wanted to say that I appreciate you people on this subreddit for helping me discover I'm not alone in this and that I can fight it and I hope you all can soon as well :)
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self.Anxiety
|
I don’t understand how people can bring themselves to give a shit about things. [removed]
|
self.depression
|
I'm addicted to abuse Physical, emotional, verbal, it doesn't matter, I can't get enough of it. I've never been physically abused myself but media allows me to experience it vicariously.
It's awful. I know it is. I don't know what to do about it though. When I'm in a relationship (friendship, dating, etc.) if they're abusive in some way it makes me feel more comfortable like they won't just abandon me.
I'm ace so it's not even in a sexual way, it hurts me but the pain of it is good, it's something to fall back on like I can know the worst a person can do.
I keep track of a list of people in my head who I know have the capacity to be emotionally and verbally abusive just in case I need someone to fall back on.
I know it's bad but what am I to do?
|
self.offmychest
|
Some things I wanted to get off my chest. I also posted this in r/suicidewatch but I want to see if anyone else feels a similar way here.
I always know that I'll end myself. Even when I have good days, I know it's not really me. It's just a projection of some hollow false happiness created by the sertraline. So even on my good days I know it's not me.
I doubt I'll last much longer. I am a nasty selfish prick that doesn't even deserve the flase joy my drugged up brain creates. I will never be able to work. I can't do anything that requires the precise use of hands or that is motion based in general because I'm dyspraxic. I can't do much that's people based because I will always be the weird one because I'm autistic, which is becoming less and less tolerated everywhere.
I'm fat, ugly, and generally a horrible person so I don't know why I was so surprised when she realised and left me. But jeez it hurt a lot when she did.
I've stopped taking my sertraline for the past few weeks, and have been saving them up in secret in order to take a massive overdose at some point in the future. I know overdose deaths are slow and painful, but while I don't really want it, I most certainly deserve it.
I am a parasite. I still live with my mum and am at an age where I should be supporting the family but instead I just continue to leech off of her and my siblings, emotionally manipulating them in order to parasitise on their kindness.
I'm also full of problematic radical left wing opinions which if my usually kind grandparents knew then they'd probably disown me for them. And even though I absolutely deserve their hatred I still don't tell them because I'm weak.
At this point I should probably try to distance myself from my family and few friends in order to minimise any emotional damage I cause but I can't bring myself to make them hate me because my willpower is so piss poor.
I don't quite know why I'm posting this here. Maybe it's just another way to selfishly make myself feel better by getting some shit off my chest which is absolutely not any of your problems, not that it matters because there's so many people posting in here that this one will just be another drop of darkness and negativity into the shadow of this sub.
I will commit suicide. If I survive this episode there's always gonna be another episode. If I overcome depression again it's just gonna come back worse as it has since I was six years old. I am a hopeless case and I want to tell people to just GIVE UP on me because I'm not worth the effort. Let me rot in a dark corner until I finally grow some balls and kill myself.
Sorry.
|
self.depression
|
I have bad social anxiety, especially with my bfs friends. Please help :( So as rhe title suggests, I have crippling social anxiety and I'm nor a very soxial person in the 1st place. I either open uo to a person immedeately or I never can, its always these two extremes of thw spectrum, there's bo grey area for me.
Unfortunately with kost of my bfs friends its the side that I can't open myself up wholly and completely, and it might seem rude to them and that only makes my anxiety worse!!!
Every time he plans something with his freinds I obviosuly make an effort to go but then I get extremely extremely nervous before hand, my heart starts beating faster l, my palms start sweating i feel nauseous, all the usual symptoms associated with it.
Its his bday tonight and I have to go and its making me very very nervous now itself!!! I work myself into a frenzy! And I know he won't understand this completely because he's an extrovert, he can talk to anyone at anytime, anywhere! And with me, like I said I either open up compeltely or I can't.
There are a couple of his friends I can talk to nowmally, ie where the conversation flows but with most I can't. I've tried explaingi to him that its not just with them, its with most people that I can't!!! Luckily I have been able to open up with my office collegues and we've become friends.
I'm afraid that this difference will cause fights later on. As it has in the past once, I've tried to get over it but I feel like its an emotion I can't get rid of it completely ever. I just hope he understands and atleast he doesn't feel like I'm being rude to them!
Does anyone feel tgis way??? Please please please help me!!!
TL;DR - my crippling social axiety makes me nervous whenever I'm around people, espesially my bfs friends.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Waiting till after the holidays to off myself. I left my job in September and I have been on a downwards spiral ever since. I gave up my job because I gave up on life and so I have used up all of my savings and I am now close to maxing out my credit card.
I'm tired of convincing myself everyday that I'm worthless. It's like every single day I realize that I'm worthless once again. Then I will tell myself that I'm not worthless and that people do care about me. It's like there's a constant tug of war battle in my head between my rational and irrational feelings.
I acknowledge that suicide is an irrational choice caused by irrational feelings but it doesn't matter to me. I'm tired of this suffering. Just becuase the feelings are irrational doesn't mean that they aren't true.
I'm especially tired of suffering because there are so many people who have life A LOT worse than I do and yet they somehow pull through.
I feel weak and ugly and inhuman.
ANYWAY...I just wanted to get some of my feelings out there. I don't know if I'll really kill myself after the holidays or not. I feel like the only thing stopping me from doing it today is the thought that it would be really selfish of me to do it right before Christmas and I don't want to be anymore of a buzzkill than I already am.
|
self.depression
|
Coping With Depression with False Laughter Does anyone here try to combat their depression with laughter and jokes when dealing with people?
I've been known by my friends to be the jokester, the guy that makes people laugh. What none of them know is that I do it because I'm trying hard to not to feel depressed, and I'll try to make a joke out of a lot of stuff. Sarcasm is my friend. It makes me feel good for a little while, but eventually the happy feeling from laughter returns to feeling like crap.
|
self.depression
|
When do these antidepressants kick in? I am 29 days into Celexa 20mg. When do these kick in? Still depressed, insomnia, acid reflux, stress, very tired side effects.
Thanks
|
self.depression
|
I think about dying everyday I'm 18. I don't know why I'm like this.
I've never told anyone that I'm depressed or that I have constant suicidal thoughts. I think some people know that I'm not the happiest of people and that I'm pretty awkward and quiet around people. My mom always says that I'm such a negative person. I'm just tired. I wish I was never born. I don't even know how to kill myself because I'm scared of heights and guns are illegal in my country. I don't want to overdose on pills because I don't want to die in my room and for my parents to find my body, if they ever do because they never check up on me. I've told my mom that if I overdosed or hung myself, she wouldn't know until the smell. But everyday I just imagine myself pointing a revolver to my head and just pulling the trigger. Specifically a revolver and I've never even seen one in real life. It's been just slow and steady thoughts of wanting to kill myself but recently it's suddenly like bursts of anger and just wanting to kill myself. It's to the point that I use my hand to pretend shooting myself just to make the urge go away. If I killed myself its out of anger and not sadness. When you're young you hear the word depressed or depression and you think it just means a deep sadness. But it feels to me just numb. I can't feel anything. I haven't felt happy in so long. I just feel like if I die, yeah maybe it'd be sad and awkward for my parents but I don't think I'm any use to them anyways. I also do it in contempt of them having a child when they don't have enough money and they don't even love each other while all their siblings and their siblings' children are so much happier travelling the world all the time. I'm the poorest person I know among my friends and family it's just pathetic. I want to buy a bicycle because it makes me feel good whenever I get to ride a rented one but I can't afford that. I can't afford so many things. I keep wanting something so badly that I just start to hate it and I hate everything. At least when I die at 18 people will mourn my death at my age. I can imagine myself being 30 and still feeling this way and just dying a nobody.
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self.depression
|
Living instead of existing is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I fucked up real bad. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so needy and weak. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I fucked up. I'm sorry I just want to be alone. I'm sorry that when I am I want you here with me. I'm sorry.
Fuckkkkkk! I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry! Please forgive me
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self.depression
|
Bailed last minute on a wedding I was getting dressed and nothing fits me because I've gained a bunch of weight and I worked myself up so much my stomach hurts and I just couldn't do it and now I've been crying in bed for an hour. I know that's a run on sentence because that's what my fucking life feels like right now. I feel bad for skipping it but I seriously cannot deal.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I can't rememeber the last time I was happy [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
A high-schooler who's single and ready to kill himself. (x-posted from /r/suicidewatch) I can't take living anymore. I'm a 16 year old guy in 11th grade without a single real friend, a girlfriend, or a reason to live for myself. People tell me that it's okay to be alone or lonely but it's not. I feel like if I had someone just to cuddle with and talk to I would be so much happier. People tell me that I'm "smart" yet I keep doing stupid things like staying in bed rather than going to school and not doing projects and other work. People tell me that I'm "handsome" yet I've only had one girlfriend who I met in a mental hospital after losing my last (best) friend from having a mental breakdown and saying I was in love with his girlfriend. I was only with her for two months after she left the hospital (she was in there longer for self-harming) and I never even saw or touched her outside of the damn hospital. Everyone else is getting jobs, being with friends, and easily going to school yet I can barely get out of bed. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in school yet my actions are completely inconsistent along with the fact that this year will pretty much determine the rest of my life. Every night if my dreams aren't nightmares they're of me with a girlfriend, someone who actually loves me for who I am and wants hug and cuddle with me. I feel repulsive and stupid. The only reason I haven't killed myself already is because my parents already lost their daughter (my sister) to a heroin overdose and they say that if I died, they would kill themselves because they live for me. They both have had rough lives and I know that it's true. My dad is obviously slowly developing Alzheimer's and his emotional abuse of my mom has gotten worse. My mom is too precious to deserve what he does to her, which is constantly barraging her with insults to further keep her down and pull himself up from his own insecurities. I try to be nice to everyone, I try to talk to girls, I try to smile and pretend to be happy, but nothing ever works. Just typing this is a struggle and my thoughts are all over the place, I really don't want to live, I just want to press a button and poof out of existence. Without affecting anyone. Like as if I never lived at all.
I'm posting this here as well because I'm not sure where it belongs.
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self.depression
|
Does anyone remember the video about a wrestler who uses a weird technique to reduce anxiety? He Would Make Weird Facial Gestures And Yelling Before A Big Fight. There Was A Video Of Him talking about this technique he would use before a big fight.
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self.Anxiety
|
Trying to come to terms with myself I got diagnosed a year and a half ago, just before I got with my current partner, and I want to understand my Bipolar 2 diagnosis better because I’ve been shunning it a bit and had difficulty taking my meds but I’m finally at a stage where I feel like I can post on this subreddit and ask questions and want to understand myself better. Does anyone have any resources or advice or anything? I’ve not really reached out much before other than the odd comment.
|
self.bipolar
|
All I can do is think about the blankness now My life feels like a sham. I am 23 years old working basically a dead end job that I have no desire to work in. My original plans were to use my undergraduate to get into professional school but I can't get into any of them so I am on the verge of giving up on those. I probably don't have any aspirations to be in the field I am in but with my parents pressuring me to go into this field, I felt as though I had no other option. I have no real hobbies other than playing mobile games, watching TV/Netflix/YouTube and eating.
I have a few friends but the relationships now feel surface level. I don't know if I could muster up the courage to tell them the extent of my depression. We have discussed bits and pieces of it, but never fully in depth. While the other friendships I have are mainly just hanging out playing video games, talking about music and getting high off weed, that's about it. I find no real joy in things anymore. The activities and things I do try, only remind me of how much of a fuck up I am because of my lack of life experience.
Growing up and currently I am an introvert. My family almost encouraged it becaus I feel as though they didn't know what else to do. I'm not sure how it all started if I'm being honest. It would be so bad that gatherings and social issues events where I didn't know people, I would pretend I was having nausea and hide in the washroom the whole time. Man, as I'm typing this, I'm just really ashamed at what I've become. Over the past few years I've tried to rectify these behaviors and I have seen improvements here and there (I don't hide in the bathroom anymore). However what I'm going to talk about next is probably one of the major reasons why I'm sad.
So in the 23 years of my life, I've never had a real relationship before. There have been moments I go to the club or try online dating where I flirt, but that's the extent of my romantic life. Introversion feeding into my depression has basically paralyzed my mind. Everytime I want to flirt, I switch into a different mode and act shy. At the same time, I try to avoid romance for reasons I've said previous. I'm very depressed with my life and what it's come down to. I don't like the job or the field that I've been planning to do all my life. I have no real hobbies or passions outside of sitting on my ass at home, nor have I developed any real skills. They say confidence is key when approaching women, but my self-esteem is shot to rock bottom and I can never find enough courage to bring myself to ask a girl on a date. On top of that, what happens when I do ask and she says yes, where do we go from there?
I have family that is Christian but over the past few years I probably align myself as b in agnostic. Because of this, I don't really mesh well with my family and their friends since I'm thinking of completely different perspective. I still live my family and I love them so much, but I realize that this is not helping my situation. All I know is that it's going to take me a long time to save up and move out somewhere.
Speaking of moving out, I make terrible financial decisions. I spend money frivolously on entertainment and food. I also masturbate way too frequently which i know interferes with things such as my social and love life. I'm about 30 lbs over the ideal weight for my age and height but have no resolve or willpower to work out. I've had braces a few times and never ended up keeping the retainers so I still have crooked teeth. I feel like a fuck up every time I look into the mirror because of that. That is something I know I have to life with until I get the money to fix them myself.
That's the other thing about myself. If you haven't noticed by now, a lot of things I want to start or quit, I've never been able to. My will power and resolve is also rock bottom. I've tried working out, stopping masturbating, keeping straight teeth, you name it, I've never committed to anything. I don't know what is wrong with me, I can't keep myself going for more than a week befor relapsing before going back to old ways.
My family has started to notice how mad and sad ive become but have no real suggestions. My parents continually push me towards the field that I have no desire to pursue. I know they mean well, they want me to able to live well within my means. I also know things would be much different growing up in their shoes moving from India to make a better life for themselves and our family. But with that being said, my family doesn't understand how important mental health is for someone. My father treats my mother like absolute crap nowadays, but my mother is too worried about Indian cultures and traditions to do anything about it. My father has always cared about us but my mother has been a different story and I see it killing my mother inside. Again wee are Christian Indians and while it's not unheard of, it is certainly looked down upon. The sad thing is my mother would rather be in this marriage then to live out her days alone. That type of mentality devastates me and I could never possibly resonate with me. Hey it's easy for me to say never being in a relationship but I hope this behaviour isn't condoned regardless. So how could I possibly tell them the extent of my depression?
My life has been set up for me to live a nice and comfortable existence. However, ive managed to fuck that up every possible way down this long road. Ive never thought about seriously ending it all, but the thought has come up on multiple occasions. I know my family would be heartbroken if they were to find out something like that happened, so I guess there's one reason to live. Haven't considered therapy or drugs until now but I'm probably going to go once the new year begins. All I'm seeking now is a road to happiness somehow.
|
self.depression
|
I psychologically fucked up my sister My sister and I are 5 years apart. Growing up, she was always hyper, happy, and super smiley. She would always want to take pictures and just laugh and have a good time. When I was in 4th grade and she was in Kindergarten, I bullied the fuck out of her. A mixture between me being a shitty person, me being bullied at school, and her just being a easy victim; she was like the perfect scapegoat- a scapegoat that i would torment, and completely just abuse. I remember calling her names, pinching her, and just ordering her around like she was my slave. Around 5th grade, when I first found out about porn and masturbation, I even made her touch my penis and tried to get her to lick it. She didn't lick it. Or like it. Even though our relationship now is pretty great, the girl that she turned out to be is nothing like the girl she was 8 years ago. She's shy, socially awkward, and tends to stay in her room most of the time. I've apologized to her numerous times for being such a dick back then, but she doesn't recollect me as being such a bad brother. I just feel so guilty thinking about the past and how i used to treat her, i often cry just thinking about it. I was going through a bunch of pictures from the past, and just seeing how bright and smiley she used to be made me ball into tears. The fact that I made her turn out to be like this, I fucking hate myself for it. I don't think she remembers when i tried to get her to lick my penis, and i dont know if i should ask her, or even tell her about it. Fuck I'm a shitty brother
|
self.offmychest
|
I wish some Fuckin alien kidnaps me and do whatever fuck they want.
|
self.depression
|
Support for stopping my compulsions today Hey guys!
The last couple of weeks I have been doing ERP to help me overcome my health related ocd. Today I gave in badly to my compulsions. I found a sensitive spot on my body that I thought it was problematic (no signs of problem) and I start checking it over and over again. Now it is red and I think I made a wound because of my nails. It feels sore and dry. Even though I know I caused all this and it's not something to worry about, I am going through a panic attack cause my ocd is telling me I didn't do it, it was already there and that is probably something really bad and the pain won't go away.
Any type of support is welcomed :)
|
self.Anxiety
|
Want to be dead but don't want to have to go through dying If I could just be dead or die in my sleep I think I would. I hate almost everything about myself, and I don't think it's going to get better. The only thing stopping me is that I'm too scared of being hurt or of whatever method I end up trying not working and just landing me in hospital. I'm really scared that I'll *stop* being scared of that and actually try.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I think I'm going to kill myself.. This suicide thing... I think I'm getting closer and closer to doing it
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Questions about helping a friend who is suffering from anxiety Hello all,
I myself am not suffering from anxiety, although I consider myself a shy, introverted and anxious person at times. I know it is nowhere near what you need to go through, and I want to say that I think you are all stars.
I have a new friend, and I just got to know that she is suffering from anxiety, panic attacks and that she might either be highly sensitive and/or on the Autism spectrum.
I asked her if there were any things I should look out for, to not trigger her and such, and if I could do anything to make her more comfortable. But she is learning herself as she goes along. She is also in the process of having herself tested, to see exactly where she stands, and how to work with it.
I have known people with anxiety issues in the past, so I know a little bit on how it feels, and how hard and rough it is. But I was wondering if you perhaps could give me advice, tips, do's and don'ts and the like, to help her out.
She says that when she does get a panic attack, it is often from new environments and experiences, when she is given responsibilities or when she is very stressed. This also reflects on her health in the way that she eats much less, up to an extent it is very unhealthy.
This all worries me somewhat, Don't get me wrong though, I have no doubts that she will make it though. She is very strong and a fighter. However, if I can, I would like to help her and make the path easier.
Any help you can offer me would be greatly appreciated!
PS I live in the EU and as such, I will be going to bed pretty soon. As such, my replies will take a while, and I will be going through all the info provided in this sub tomorrow as well.
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self.Anxiety
|
Question about a recent issue So I have experienced this three times today. It's only ever happened one or two other times in my life.
I have a feeling that I've accessed a memory from a dream that I shouldn't have accessed in my waking life. It escapes me. But as soon as I think of it I get the feeling of some sort of panic attack. I feel like i am dying. I feel like surreal. My heart sinks, I vibrate, I can't think clearly, I feel like I am stuck in time, and it lasts for about 30 seconds. It feels like death. When I am in it, I am thinking of some sort of weird memory I can't place in my mind. Like fragments of a dream. I can't hold onto them and they slip away. I feel electric in the worst kind of way. It reads like a panic attack, but I am not in a stressful situation when it happens and it only lasts a short while. But it's terrifying. I'm 33, in good health, but I have a very active subconscious - sleep paralysis sufferer of MANY years. I have a lot of stress and am prone to anxiety, but nothing has ever caused anything like this. Can anyone shine a light or relate with me? Or is this just clear cut anxiety attack?
Another way to explain the physical feeling is like to be startled horribly, but caught in time in the peak of being startled. Sense are just on fire.
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self.Anxiety
|
This is how i overcame my anxiety. Find a therapist and get medication if you need it. They saved my life. I barely had any side-effects. First weeks will be tough.
**Do** things you that make you scared. Scared of getting outside? Go outside every day. Scared of making social interactions? Push your comfort levels. On day 1 you ask for a product in the supermarkt. On day 2 you ask someone the time etc. On day 60 you go skydiving.
**Eat** healthy. Seriously, this one is huge. Research what is healthy for the human brain.
**Exercise**
**Don't** hide. Don't feel like a victim. Millions of people are struggling and you happen to be one, go and do something about it!
Realize that anxiety can be **cured**. The reason you don't hear about it a lot is because people who cured their anxiety just go on with life. They don't go on these platforms anymore. I promised I would post here if I beat my anxiety.
You will feel more anxious taking action, because you are leaving your comfort zone. Your brain is only thinking about surviving and your survival brain is just fine laying in bed all day. Don't give up. First weeks will be very tough. This is because you're making changes.
Finally, don't take life too serious. This mindset helped me a lot!
Good luck on your journey. The time is now.
Edit: So this became sort of popular. I will reply to every comment tomorrow, i have a party atm.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m a good person but I hate myself because of depression... Anyone else flip themselves off in the mirror or pretend to shoot themselves with their hand constantly?
|
self.depression
|
Wife cheated and took my kids Back in August I found out “the love of my life” cheated on me. I’ve been in and out of psyc wards for the last few months and even attempted suicide. That’s when I found out that she never loved me. When I woke up in the ER she never came or even called. I haven’t been able to see my kids in over a month and that’s what’s really just tearing me the fuck apart.
I know there’s nothing I can do about what’s happened and I know things will get better eventually. I’ve been focusing on myself and trying to evolve to be a better man than I am now.
But I still have moments when shit hits me so hard I just want someone to shoot me and put me out, just like you would a wounded dog.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Defying Diagnosis | A poignant New Yorker article about Linda Bishop who Refused to acknowledge her illness and starved to death alone in a farmhouse. I found the article incredibly poignant as I hate my diagnosis and also find it difficult to accept. I also question my insight, sometimes wondering if I aren't more deluded than I think I am.
Article: "http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2011/05/30/god-knows-where-i-am
I also was struck by the fact that Linda seemed functional in many ways — far more than I was when I went through my "reclusive period."
The article as well as raising interesting questions of insight also raises questions of consent. When should someone be deemed ill enough that they should be sectioned?
For me the sad thing is that Linda, in order to qualify for housing assistance, needed to declare herself mentally incompetent — this she refused to do. If she could have been offered housing without that restriction she might very well be alive today.
Edit: I see there has been a documentary made about Linda's life and death.
* [*God Knows Where I Am* (2016)] (http://variety.com/2017/film/reviews/god-knows-where-i-am-film-review-1202019495/) — Link to *Variety* review
Film trailer here:
* https://vimeo.com/155436707
And a thoughtful description of the documentary here:
* https://www.nbcnews.com/better/wellness/after-mom-starves-death-questions-about-care-mentally-ill-n569461
|
self.bipolar
|
I don't know what I need I want to make a hole in the wall, or break my hand, depending on which part of the bathroom wall I punch. This is the first time I've realised in the moment that this irascible anger is anxiety. Which explains why I've never known how to deal with it, because I only knew how to deal with depression and I thought this was depression. So here I am, I know what it is. But I haven't spent 25+ years developing coping strategies for it because it's not what I thought it was.
Wtf do I do?!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Tried to kill myself last Tuesday and haven't been able to stop thinking about it since Last Tuesday I tried and failed to kill myself by suspension hanging, falling down after I went unconscious. I've since told 2 close friends, who are supportive, but I'm sure they're getting tired of being bothered by me. One asked if I still felt suicidal thoughts and the other made me promise to not try again. Both times I panicked and said whatever I could so they wouldn't get worried call the cops or some shit (were in different states). My first thought once I came to (after it took a minute to realize who/where I was and what just happened) was disappointment it didn't work. For a few days, I still felt depressed but interested in trying to stay alive, but that feeling honestly went away pretty quickly. Now all I can think about is doing it again but this time I know what I did wrong and how to do it right, as well as what it'll feel like until I'm unconscious and unfeeling. I don't know what to do. The only two people who I trust with this I have already lied to, and if I go I'm going to leave a note specifically apologizing to them for that. I visited my family this weekend, which was way too soon and upsetting, considering less than a week ago I accepted that I'd never be seeing them or my hometown again, but I can't tell my parents, this would hurt them too much. I'm scared of going to a hospital or therapy because I'm in uni and, oddly enough, one of the only things I still give a fuck about are my classes, so I don't know what to do, how to feel. I can't stop thinking and wishing about what if it had worked. As a side note, today was made no better by going to my sister's bday, who I hadn't seen since this summer when she told me I should've hung myself. The whole time I just wanted to show my her the belt I was wearing, the belt I tried to kill myself with. I wanted to show her the tears in the leather from what I did. I wanted to show her that I tried to give her what she wanted for her birthday. Not trying to die just to spite my sister but it sickens me that she could say that to her own family, when she has fucking scars all up and down her arms from cutting as a kid. Sorry if this is nothing but ranting, I've been trying to process this all week. Thanks for reading.
Tl;Dr: tried to kill myself last week and suicidal thoughts are back already
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My brother had to physically lift me but i got out of bed :)
|
self.depression
|
Is it unwise to reveal my having Bipolar II to the local workforce/unemployment office? Is it unwise to reveal my having Bipolar II to the local workforce/unemployment office?
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They say that my disclosure would never be revealed to prospective employers and that by doing so, I may be eligible for additional career placement services. That said, I find it hard to be trusting when it comes to disclosing my mental illness to anyone, especially in the professional realm.
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|Vote Button| Poll Options|Current Vote Count|
|:-----------:|:------------:|:------------|
|**[Vote](http://redditpoll.com/vote/nWENUZPl)**|It is unwise, don’t do it|**12** Votes
|**[Vote](http://redditpoll.com/vote/PdrMSoqv)**|I’ve done it or know someone who has and it worked out well|**8** Votes
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**Instructions:**
* Click Vote to Register Your Vote.
----
**Note:** Vote Count in this post will be updated real time with new data.
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Make Your Own Poll Here **[redditpoll.com](http://redditpoll.com)**.
----
See live vote count **[here](http://redditpoll.com/poll/is-it-unwise-to-reveal-my-having-bipolar-ii-to-the-local-workforce-unemployment-office)**
|
self.bipolar
|
Is it normal to have thoughts/fantasies about wanting to die? [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Recent bout of insomnia, scared to sleep I started Prozac and soon as I upped my dose to a full pill I lost all ability to sleep normally. I’d wake up every two hours like a new born with extreme anxiety, tremors, and feeling like I drank 16 cups of coffee. Sleep is now a luxury, and after a week i can now officially get *drum roll please* 3 consecutive hours of sleep before waking up in a panic. I’m so scared of waking up anxious that I’m petrified of going to sleep, yet longing for it. I’ve never had insomnia in my life, someone please tell me this shall pass? Im too scared to take my medicine, and now I’m scared I’ll end up in the hospital...
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm in a snowball of repressed feelings and I can't get out of it I'm an introvert. It's not easy for me to make friends, and living abroad makes it even harder. My friends here are not as close to me as those back home and I don't really have someone that I can open up to. However, lately I've been struggling more and more with self-confidence and I can't even bring myself to talk about it with my "real" friends back home, or with my parents. It is certainly not their fault, I just feel like I can't just come up to them and say "hey I'm feeling this and that", I don't want to be a burden for them. Sometimes I decide to text someone just to talk and when they take a while to answer all I can think about is "what have I done wrong that they don't want to talk to me?". But deep down I know I'm exaggerating so I just act as if it didn't really affect me. And this keeps going on, and I can't seem to break free from it.
|
self.offmychest
|
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