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How to deal with that weighted feeling I've never really talked with people about depression so I'm not sure if anyone else feels this. It's that combined feeling of weight in your gut and emptiness. It's always there, sometimes stronger than normal and some days it's crushing me. Does anyone know ways to possibly help deal with it? I've tried exercise and fresh air, reading a book and hobbies and it doesn't seem to quiet it down.
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self.depression
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My personality is repulsive This is going to be written terribly, I apologize in advance.
To say I'm insecure would be an understatement, I'm a neurotic train wreck of a person.
I hate myself so much. I constantly pester my friends to ask if they still like me, though I know all I'm really accomplishing is making them start to loathe me even quicker. Nobody likes being around someone so negative and constantly self-deprecating.
I get the feeling that people only deal with me out of pity. I'm annoying, unintelligent and painfully unfunny. I can't imagine how tiresome it must be to have to interact with me. Nothing I say sounds good, I type like I'm recovering from a lobotomy, it's painful even for me to read.
But I really don't know how I can fix this, I don't know how to be someone likable. My anxiety is through the roof, most of my time is spent complaining like a total brat, using any outlet I can find to vent. People don't want to speak to me anymore, their replies are sparse and I'm the only one who seems to put any effort into interactions.
I just.. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be alive knowing that despite my efforts to fix it, it seems my personality is always going to be repulsive in every single way. I feel so hopeless. It seems like there's nothing I can do, my friends are never going to like me as much as I like them.
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self.depression
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Life is good...now the symptoms are more obvious Hello,
I am at a new college after a horrible experience. I’m making friends like I haven’t since I was kid. There are bumps but everything is overall good. However because of this, I can more clearly see when I’m having an episode, the severity of it, and how well I’m dealing with it. Because my body is basically horrible at processing (some of you may remember my post from a few months back) I have stayed away from heavy medication. I do take a small amount and use mindfulness to monitor symptoms. It worked relatively well but there were moments when I fucked up (can I curse on this subreddit?). Now I’m in a place where I don’t feel that’s good enough. Since my situation is better I want to be less bothered by my bipolar. I’m interested in adjusting my treatment come summer. Any tips for finding a better psychologist and psychiatrist (hopefully that are partnered or have worked together before) and starting new medicine? I have to research things a lot to feel comfortable so I’d love some starting points.
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self.bipolar
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I miss you. I called you Pup, I’ll never wash your paw prints off my heart.
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self.offmychest
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who knows anymore hi.
i had another account somewhere but i forgot the login to it, haha. but that's okay. i just wanted to check in, as a sort of outlet for myself since i don't really get the chance ever to just put my thoughts out there.
it's the new year. happy 2018, by the way. i hope you all achieve what you wish. i spent the eve alone - by choice. i'm 18 years old, and i'm home on winter break currently from my first semester of college. i haven't really spent time with anybody since being back, though. i have my parents and two older brothers. my parents - we don't necessarily have the best relationship but it's not a bad one either. it's kind of just a mutual understanding of boundaries. i give them what they want and they don't intrude on my personal life kind of deal - you know? and my brothers, they're 11+ years older than i am. and it's not like they don't like spending time with me, it's just...they never really make themselves available for me to reach out.
my oldest brother called me minutes after the clock struck 12 to wish me a happy new year and he asked me what i was doing. and i said nothing, of course and he just told me that i could've called them. which was a nice sentiment in theory but i don't know how to reach out to someone that's never really been reachable.
i guess right now i'm just feeling lonely. and i've realized that i've been feeling this way for a while now. i don't have anyone to talk to. and the people that i thought i did, my friends, are becoming less my friends and more so people who need/want me by convenience. i don't have anyone. but i guess that's nothing new, i just thought things had changed. and that i was living a better life in college.
speaking of, tuition sucks. when i was still in high school, everyone was just like "nooo you'll get money to pay for school, don't worry! they practically just give money out for students to go." or "apply to scholarships! apply, apply, apply!" like two opposite ends of the spectrum. but no one really walks you through any sorts of processes that you need to go through in order to pay for college. they kinda just throw it at you. i mean, thankfully i managed to get it sorted out. but too bad i had to figure it out on my own. and eventually, i'll have to pay out all these loans on my own too haha.
i love going to college, it's fun and i feel like i can be a different person there. a more confident, self-assured one. but if i don't figure out all this money, i won't be able to go. my parents haven't really paid a single lick towards my schooling, but they want me to go to school. my mom even took $500 out of my account to use for something else. i mean, she asked to take it out but who am i to say no to my own mother?
i'm considering just calling it quits after this next semester and maybe just go to community college for a bit then transfer? work a job at the same time too to save up. but then to me, it'll just be like i put in all that work to get myself into a nice school only to drop out. all my effort. gone. i don't know. it just always seems like there's a wall in my way whenever i just want something for myself.
i have a lot to do. a lot of decisions to make. a lot of people to please. but a lot of people who will never be satisfied. because what i do is never good enough as i always fall short, even though i put all i have and more for those who need me.
it would just be nice to know i had someone like that for me, too.
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self.depression
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An introduction Hey friends,
Long time lurker, first time poster elsewhere but
Not here.
I've worked really hard with therapy, meditation and mindfulness, medicines and every other thing I can think of. Based off of where i am its not worked.
Some time ago it got worse rather than better. Better older and growing in experience came with a new set of blows.
I lost my partner. My father died. I lost my job and then finally I lost my meditative practice...
I feel nothi by but fear and sadness. I can't repel the lies my mind tells me... I grind my teeth nightly to stories of how I failed the ones i love...
Worst... I acted these atrocities out on occasion. Never so bad as it seems... but enough to lose me so many loved ones... even while I was helpless to explain.
After so much loss I'm only just beginning to learn how to manage. But the bitterness and pain in my dreams is proof enough of my self hatred...
I don't know how to move forward... withoufh a small savings I'd be broken completely...
Norther Dallas texas... God I never thought I'd end up here... I scream help in my mind from dawn to dusk
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self.Anxiety
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Friend felt me up while I was sleeping, he thought I was awake. Trying not to ruin a friendship. My friend and I have been through a lot together; literally we have seen people die together. I'm a paramedic and he hurt his arm pretty bad so I went over to his place to check it out for him. He asked if he could touch my hair because it makes him feel calm and I said it was fine. We were lying down next to each other and he was touching my hair and we were talking about some of the crazy stuff going on and he was talking about how protective he felt of me and it was really cathartic for both of us to get out these emotions we were having after seeing someone die really violently. Things were getting pretty emotionally intense so I asked him if he was getting the wrong idea and we made sure to establish what was going on was strictly platonic.
We kept talking and eventually I fell asleep for a moment and woke up and he was grabbing my breast. He had no idea I was asleep and he said that I was breathing really heavily and he was so certain I was still awake. I believe him, and he was really remorseful and wouldn't let me apologize for what happened. I didn't leave immediately because at this point I'm not super upset about what happened but he is because he feels like a rapist (his words). I tried to tell him that he wasn't and it was totally a mistake and he's still really torn up about it.
He told me he never felt that way about me before and got overcome with some crazy emotions. I don't want this to ruin our friendship, and I know he wouldn't have done that if he knew I was awake.
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self.offmychest
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My limited experience so far with Betterhelp Online Therapy [deleted]
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self.depression
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I broke up with my depressed girlfriend and she says that she doesn't know how to live now and that i am the worst person. Before two days i decided to break up with my girlfriend who deals with depression.The last two years we had broke up once more (her decision) but the last 6 months we said to try again.
However,for almost e months now i felt that i cannot stand it anymore.I feel very bad for myself because i love her,but her depression and the many problems it creates has taken its toll on me.
This month i thought again and again how to say it and always it seemed wrong because i knew that it would be so odifficult for her.
But i said to myself that i need to be brave and true about how i feel.
The result was that the day i told her she had like a big crisis,like a huge panic attack.I called her family .
Yesterday i talked to the phone with her and she was crying saying that i did something mean.That at this period she tried to overcome her problems and it was like i gave her a big hit with this decision.She said that i am the worst person and that from now on she has to deal with loneliness because i was the closest person to her and now she doesn't know how she can live.
Right now i feel so badly.I even thought of telling her not to break up (even though i don't want it),because i love her,i am totally scared that she is gonna hurt herself and i feel so guilty about everything that happened.
I am scared and confused and i really don't know how to react to her situation..
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self.depression
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I’m at an all time low and I’m afraid. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I need help. This is my first time reaching out for help in any way, I have not been diagnosed by any doctor. I just feel completly broken. I think about killing myself everyday. I dont know what to do anymore.
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self.depression
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Afraid to go to the hospital Things have been been rough this year and i;m scared to go to the hospital. I work a high stress job in sales and worried if i leave everything will be ruined that i worked for. Meanwhile i go nuts.
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self.bipolar
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23, lost a few hundred thousand. time to die over past 8 months made 600k
then recently lost it all in one night (markets)
im in 30k debt now with no income
people liked me cause i had money, im worthless now
parents making me get a 9-5 job now
I think about killing myself so much everyday
I can't stop thinking about my death
Lost all my independence and freedom
lost all my happiness and self-worth
was going to start an orphanage in switzerland
can't do that anymore
slave away work for the remainder of my life,
death sounds better
suicide would leave my mum too sad
going to get a 5k loan that i'll spend on a hitman and oxy
bye
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self.offmychest
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I don’t dare to be attached to anyone because I don’t want to get hurt. I want to change tho. I think I got quite a lot of friends but I can’t really tell who my “besties” are. I’m the kind of person who tends to put my all in a relationship if I’m attached to a certain person. I’m also a very sensitive person, if I sense that person doesn’t really “value” me, I’ll keep a distance before any conflicts happen/before getting disappointed by that person.
I guess I’m too vulnerable to be in the process of giving and taking love. This vulnerability doesn’t only affects my friendship with people, but also my opportunity of having a partner.
I really want advice from people who got a stable relationship with their partner/besties.
“What. Should. I. Do. ?” A 24-year old woman asked.
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self.offmychest
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What did I do What did I do to deserve these thoughts constantly running rampant in my mind? I had a good day today with my family, but I still just want to end my life at the end of the day. My life is in a good spot too, things are great with my family, girlfriend, high school, etc. Why can’t I ever just be happy? I don’t know what I did that was so bad to where I would never be happy again. I think I’ve been a good person in my life but I obviously did some things wrong. I want to just end it all right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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The Calm After the Storm A year and a half ago I had a long pyschotic episode followed by a BP diagnosis and several months of depression. I had to take a year off of college but I’ve now been back at school for almost a year. With everything that’s happened— the medications, the extreme emotion levels, the social isolation for an extended time— I’ve found myself at an interesting place.
Anyone else find themselves constantly having to maneuver through conversation just to avoid a long, intense topic about your past? Specifically related to your bipolar?
-CH
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self.bipolar
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Life seems meaningless. How do people deal with life? I can't see a future for myself. I'm young, but the thought of being alive for even 10 more years seems like such work. I have no goals and I don't find enjoyment in anything. I have tried so many medications and nothing seems to help. I just feel so broken and abnormal compared to everyone else who wants to do things in their life. I feel like I'm destined to kill myself, and if it wasn't for the pain I'd cause my family, I would've done it already. Does anyone else feel the same way? How can I deal with this?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Very lonely I know I’m lonely
I have friends
But
Just so lonely all the time
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self.SuicideWatch
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F*ck help got drunk watching big brother finale with boyfriend/ Russian vodka 'made' me insane... Trying to get my bf to drink less by helping him drink it *im rlly smart*
I went insane writing about my insane abusive father on FB. In veiled posts, couldn't take it down for a while, feeling like he would come after my loved ones. He ruined my moms life. I had to spend so many days trapped in his car while he stalked my mothers every move. The memories of his insanity hit me pretty hard this evening to the point of breaking down/being semisuicidal. I get the feeling I'm in hell a lot because I get none of my goals accomplished, learning to drive has been so fucking hard because of the many months I was trapped in his car for hours out of a day.
It was years ago, it won't go away. It's still so raw. Remembering and heAring the things my mother went through... I Feel like shit. I can't fix it. The memories of all the shit come back in one huge block and it is so painful
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self.bipolar
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There's nothing to fight for You should help the people who are at a dangerous level. I am at a mild level. But if you want to hear what I want to say. I'd rather do it over PMs. If that's not your thing, I understand and let this thread die.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have severe anxiety. I made a song about how I've felt through it all these past few months. This song means a lot because I've been struggling through anxiety for years, but these past few months have been the worst for me. Its ramped up to extreme levels and has been really hard to cope with, which has led to me taking bad measures, such as drug usage. I'm posting this here because I hope that others can relate to this. I don't want anyone else going through what I am alone, because you're not alone. (Disclaimer, this song is raw emotion, so it is NSFW.) I hope this song reaches a lot of you. We're not alone, and we can fight anxiety together. http://soundcloud.com/vendetta614/unconscious-prod-downtime
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone have any tips to help me overcome my fear of singing at home? So basically, I was a singer as a little kid for a few years. Got a lot of attention, got asked to be involved in musicals, hell I even got paid once. Unfortunately I was super scared of my sexuality (I'm gay), and I wanted to disassociate myself from singing as I associated singing with being gay. So, after 10 years, 3 of which involved heavy heavy heavy smoking daily, I decided.... to follow my passion and take the risk and to try singing.
So obviously, after 10 years of nothing, I kind of forgot how to sing. The insane amount of junk in my throat due to smoking wasn't helping, either. Despite this, though, I was able to get into a well-ranked music school.
My throat FINALLY cleared up, and I am able to comfortable manipulate my vocals. I have been reassured by many, many people that I am a very talented vocalist.
The thing is? I don't practice. Or, well, I hardly do. I sing in the car whenever I'm driving over 30 mph and I'm not at a stop sign or light lol. At home, though? I will only practice when all the windows are closed, my door is locked, I'm in my bathroom, and the fan is on. And even then I HEAVILY hold myself back. I am too scared to sing as loudly as possible. The other day I told myself I'd record myself singing a song... after locking myself in my bathroom for over 8 hours, I managed to get 40 seconds of me singing at a decent volume where I'm not holding back too much. That's it.
I also am kind of convinced that my bathroom is soundproof because I hear literally nothing when I'm in here. If there's a huge party going on outside, if I go into my bathroom, I can't hear anything. So I dunno.
When I sing, I can hear my thoughts saying "OMG WHAT IF THE NEIGHBORS HEAR???" and then I mess up. The MOST I can last without these thoughts popping up is like 15 seconds. Even when I tell myself "if they were annoyed, they'd knock on the door or leave a note. You have to do this for your own good. Come on, just do it." But that doesn't help at all. Guess it has to do with the fact that I know I'm just trying to convince myself?
Anyone have any tips? :/
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self.Anxiety
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I wish I could end it all right this second [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I dont even know anymore Ive been trying to hold on for about 2 years now. Everything seems to fall apart and i really have been holding on for a long time but i dont see the point anymore. People say we need to hold on for a little longer but whats the point. Days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years. You slowly begin to realize that life is really ruthless. There is no real way of knowing that something will eventually come. Ive begun to loose hope. I dont know why im like this. Ive started getting so low and started smoking. My mom found out and now she thinks im a disgrace. The girl i love says she loves me but shes with someone else. Things just seem to get good and then just go bad again. I feel like my mind is being played with and sometimes i think i might go crazy and its scary. Sometimes i just think whats the point. I started college but i hate it and im failing and i dont want to be there but i feel like thats the only way to make it in this world now a days. I love music, but no one notices it and i have no social media so theres no way of promoting it so it just rots. I feel so useless and hopeless now. Ive been thinking of joining the navy so that i can get out of this place and make myself useful. I dont even know whats going on anymore.
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self.offmychest
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I wish I was born in a lower class family/area? Now I know what practically everyone's initial reaction to this is going to be confused or even angry, but let's go ahead and put in some context and reasoning.
I'm 18 at the moment and I live in the Silicon Valley. I live in South Sunnyvale/San Jose and we come from France. We moved when I was quite young, but the outskirts of Paris still feel more like home in some ways, we try to go every year.
Now to get straight to the point, I think I started thinking in this 'new' way starting a few years back. It kinda started with the realization of how large everyone's lives are to them and how everyone leads a completely different perspective. The word is apparently Sonder.
I can't exactly remember when I transitioned from thinking more and more about people and their lives, but maybe a year or more ago I just had this new mentality, where life was just that, life.
All the war, bloodshed, conflict, stress, just everything grim, started to make almost no sense. I believe that once you die, you're done, it's black, and at this point it horrifies me to see people that still treat a human life like a little earth worm.
Back to the subject of the 'area' I'm in though, where we used to live and go back to every year in France is pretty much the ghetto. I've seen robberies and car jackings go down fairly frequently, but to be honest it just makes me like it more...
I'm not even 'rich' technically as I'm still fairly ehhh when you put it in context with this region, but just being able to live and breath so comfortably while others are left confused why they're given misery and horror.
I'm extremely un-materialistic (ain't a word but fucks it) except the few things I worked my ass off for like my guitaros and my Dr. Z and Marshall combo... (and obviously looked for the best price... 900 instead of 2000 brothers...).
Anyways, the reason I mention this is not to be cocky, but it's because the majority of people in this area seem to be completely blind to the suffering everywhere else in the world. People just keep walkin and talkin, wearin' their $400 Yeezys and their 2000 Macbook...
I'm really not trying to generalize, and there are many that don't indulge, but when so many celebrities and clothing brands and just all this pop culture is everywhere, you gotta ask yourself... Where is everyone's focus?
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self.offmychest
|
I went on a date for the first time in forever last night! I’ve been trying to get back into dating after a long, long time of being super self conscious about who I am, what I look like, and so on. Been doing the whole tinder thing, with no luck until recently.
I meet this girl off tinder, and after a couple days of talking back and forth, we made plans to go get a drink last night. And it was so great to be out with someone new, talking about whatever came to mind, laughing at each other’s ridiculous jokes and comments. She even said she found a lot of things about me very attractive, and that was a huge confidence boost, one I think I needed.
We ended up having so much fun we made plans for a second date next Friday to go dancing downtown in my city.
It feels good to be back in the world experiencing new people and feelings.
I’m happy.
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self.offmychest
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Hate this Disease! I'm so sick of starting over. I thought I was pretty healthy over the past 15-20 years, as I had managed to graduate college, get a good paying job, build a home, get a better job with seniority, security, state pension, and find a husband and raise a son. Who now hates me for everything that's gone wrong in his life. It's my fault he got addicted and was abusing adderall. It's my fault he is facing criminal charges. Well, I have been in constant pain for the past 2.5 years, which has resulted in painsomnia, triggering mixed states and suicidal tendencies. On top of that, I have been let go from 3 jobs this year because I wasn't able to work the full hours required, due to the pain. Now, everything that could have possibly gone wrong has. And I'm finding myself starting over again. Just like 9 years ago. Only this time, I have no family support. I can barely take care of myself, and my realtor is coming tomorrow to take pictures and show it this weekend. I'm ready to move on. I just want to be healthy again. I want to enjoy life like I used to. I want family and friends again. But I have destroyed that. I'm so sad that my son would want me to be in prison or treatment, when he is the one with the problem. I'm scared of him. I am moving and telling no one where I'm going. I leave behind a rock star performance on my jobs. I leave behind an ex husband who didn't deserve to deal with this disease, and would like to leave all the horrible memories and mistakes behind.
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self.bipolar
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I want to die. I’m better off not being around. I just want validation that I should just kill myself. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm 21, still in college, future dad so yeah I'm still in college, and had unprotected sex with my gf...im becoming a dad soon...we're not ready yet..
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self.depression
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Living life like a ghost My whole life I've felt like a ghost just kind of floating in and out of the picture. Or maybe a better analogy is of a jellyfish trying to control where I am going but failing miserably. In a couple of days it's my birthday the big 30 and I have nothing to show for it. I am still no closer to achieving my dreams and am still stuck in a dead end job. My whole life I was always lead to believe that I would succeed but I have seen none of it.
I don't even want to have a birthday I'd like to skip it this year but my mom would never allow that. She is like "Oh, I've never had depression over my birthday." Yeah, mom you have had every dream you have ever wanted to come true where I pretty much have had none.
I want to give up, I want to sleep in peace but here I am the ghost who will not die.
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self.depression
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Even though my friends are here I feel really alone I just sat on the floor of my bathroom with all my friends downstairs holding an entire bottle of pills, trying to get myself to take them. I couldn't bring myself to do it but I really fucking wanted to. I don't want to start this new year. It needs to end now.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don’t feel like I matter but here is why I do. Im trying to be honest with myself. I think nothing but negative thoughts all the time. I feel like I hate myself, but maybe this will help.
I am kind to people around me
I am really good at my job and my boss likes me
I am good at conversation even if I shake sometimes out of anxiety.
I have a really good imagination and am very creative.
I am a good cook. Food is fun to make and an excellent social activity.
Just because I can’t make a career out of my dreams doesn’t mean I can’t pursue them as a hobby.
You guys matter too. Every one of you. You don’t have to be the president to matter. You just have to live.
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self.depression
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Beauty I felt like I needed to share something. I feel like everyone can benefit from this
Regardless of where you are in life, how well you've done, if you're wealthy, if you're not, if you feel like a loser, it's ok. Beauty is the most amazing thing. It can temporarily numb your problems. And it can be found anywhere. In music, in a video game, in the sky. If you don't like where you are in life, just take a moment to find beauty in something.
I was bored tonight, and I felt like taking a drive around town. It's night time, almost winter, it's 15 degrees Fahrenheit, there's frost on the windows of my car, and it's very foggy. As I'm driving down an empty street in my small town, all I see are the dim streelights in the fog. And I just thought it was absolutely beautiful.
It made me take a step back, and realize that there's more important things in life than wealth and glory. It's the small things that really hold the key to being happy in life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Bipolar ruining (yet another) relationship I'm 25 and I've been with my 35 year old boyfriend for a year and a half. We're so good together in so many ways. He's been there through my seeking out therapy, getting a diagnosis, starting meds, being hospitalised from my meds, starting new meds, and becoming (mostly) stable. He takes care of me, is patient with me, and bandages my occasional depressive self harm. I love him to the world and back and I fight every day to be a better person for him, for myself, and for our relationship.
On Thanksgiving night, we had a tiny little fight over nothing, more a bicker than a fight. But he totally shut down, put up a wall, and was totally withdrawn and distant for the whole next day. When I finally got him to open up about what was going on, he broke down about how he can't handle how "hot and cold" I am, that it hurts him when I'm so extreme, and that he's been in pain for a long time. I'm so taken aback and it's destroying me that this disease is affecting something else in my life. I refuse to let it be an excuse and I take full responsibility for my behaviour and actions, but it's still the bipolar that makes it so hard to be a great and strong partner.
I guess I'm just looking for support and maybe advice from people that have overcome the instinct to freak out, be extreme, and put up defences. How can I learn to communicate more calmly? How can I take a long hard look at myself and be better without losing the most important person in my life? I'm tired of feeling like I'm weaker than my disease.
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self.bipolar
|
don't know what i feel it's such a weird sensation, i've never had it before. It's like I'm not sad nor happy nor neutral nor anything. I feel an urge to laugh and cry and I just stay there without doing anything. If I try faking a laugh I end up wanting to cry and it hurts.
what if i never get out of this? what if it only goes downhill forever? what if meds don't work for me? I want to be completely alone and I'm shutting down my friendships but I don't want to do it, yet I do want to be alone. I don't feel like I deserve to be loved and I don't understand how anybody would be able to like me. Who the fuck am I?
please i'd love anybody to at least respond. please.
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self.depression
|
Failing school because of Depression and Anxiety I am failing all my classes. In gym I don't want to play because my teacher is a creep and I'm scared everytime I go into the gym because when the teacher says "pair up" I want to die inside because no one wants to partner up with me.
English class. Slam poems and short stpries. This class I need to express feelings bUT I don't know how. The teacher always asked me, "what makes you happy?" I just shrug and stay silent.
Science and math, I cheated in these two, always searching up the answers on yahoo, and asking Google. Or guess them if I can't find them.
Why am I failing? Because my parents don't let me. I try to do it but I'm always doing chores for them. My dad is drug dealers and is very sick, he has anger issues and calls me down constantly, fat, ugly, useless, retarded, cock sucker, you name it.
My mom? A drunk. EverytI me she gets home from work, drunk. I always try to get her attention is what ny sister's say, saying I'm annoying and always want attention.
I do have my out bursts.
Long story short, my life is going down hill and I gave no idea how to fix it... besides killing myself. I'm 15, grade 10, 0 friends, family hates me, and I have issues. I want to kill myself but in the end I don't because I don't know what's in the he after life.
My parents dont think I have any of this, and always say,"think of the the bright side!" But what is the bright side? I don't know. I have no one.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Being forced to tell someone something I don’t want to because my anxiety Does anyone else do this? I am quite literally forced to tell someone something that I don’t necessarily want to tell them. I have so much anxiety I feel guilty and end up not being able to not tell them... help?...
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self.Anxiety
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Suicide Well last night I tried to kill myself. It obviously didn’t work. I would rather not go into detail.
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self.depression
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please tell me the most efficient ways to help your depression that you’re clearly able to tell works? i’ve been dealing with it for about a year and a half and take lexapro which helps a little but i know there are more ways!
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self.depression
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Update on my wife Story starts here: https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/79c9un/how_do_i_make_it_though_this_with_my_wife
My wife is leaving me. It's so far very cordial, and for the moment we're still sharing a bed, but she can't deal with it. She just told me today at couples counseling, so I don't know what to expect.
Edit: Now she's not sure if she's going to leave (cross your fingers). I'm trying to convince her that we should spend Christmas and our anniversary together, and see if the "new" me on meds and stuff can remind her of the good times.
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self.bipolar
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I've beaten up my little kitten and now I'm so regretful I always loved cats, always liked them. I decided to take a little kitten home a month ago or so. I'm kind of obssesive with order, sleep cycles and cleaning mostly. My little kitten is very energetic, she plays all day and sometimes have agressive attitudes. I know this is common for lots of kittens, and know of proper ways of treating it.
But lately, I don't if it's because I've been under stress from my job or university or whatever it is, that I've been losing my temper on the kitten. A few days after she came home, she wouldn't stop meowing at nights because she felt alone and missed her mother, and I woke out ot bed really angry and beaten her with a shoe, until she stopped meowing and got in her bed to sleep. I achieved what I wanted: to shut her off, but I can't forget the face she put when that happened, like she felt so neglected, I feel so bad about it.
But it doesn't stop there, a month has passed, and I made a promess to not beat her up never again. I did pushed her with my hand sometimes for her to understand, saying "NO" loudly at the same time, but yesterday she was way more energetic than ever, and while playing with her, she started bitting my hand. I said NO but she bite me even harder, I lost my temp and hit her really bad with my finger in her hand, which only got her more violent, and I kept hitting her that way until she just threw on her bed with a really bad face, like it really hurt her. A while after, she got on my desk and started bitting everything (something I hate when she does), so when I had the chance I pushed her out of the desk. She fell to the floor and hit it really hard, the noise she made was awful. After that she just stayed in the floor, it obviously hurt her bad.
She doesn't have any permanent damages, but I can't stop feeling awful. Can't understand why, but after all that she showed way more quiet and cuddly with me. But it doesn't make me happy at all, just miserable. I beaten my cat and she came purring and cuddling me. I'm so regretful about it, that little kitten is such a good companion, she follows me everywhere. And at her first misbehaviour I beat her.
I feel really bad. This is not the first time it happened to me, almost every pet I had went through this. I never beat them up again as they grew older, but I never forgot about any pet I have ever beaten. I feel bad about all of them.
And I know my cat will forgive me, anyways I'm the only way she has to get food, water and a warm bed. She doesn't have any options, and that makes me feel even worse. But I know I won't ever forgive myself about it. It's just so bad. I feel I'm writing the same thing over and over, that's the way my mind is now.
Had to get this out of my chest.
EDIT: I'm actually worried her behaviour changed because she is badly hurt.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like a waste All I do all day is smoke weed. And of course I’m skipping all my classes and my mother is paying my rent. I don’t have a job. I’m failing all my classes. I’m single. And people still like me. Why don’t they know there’s something wrong?
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self.depression
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Coming to terms with having bipolar and happy that I made the right choice before possibly getting out of control Caution: long rambling (pms are welcome if anyone wants to make supportive friends and also enjoy writing and reading long messages!)
Today is the day that I finally accepted my bipolar disorder diagnosis and will start lithium tonight. I am so happy about it because antidepressants are making me so sick and this time I can see myself gradually losing touch with reality while drifting from depression to productive hypomania into possible mania. Or maybe I am already maniac.
I’d like to share some randomness, especially with this turbo going on in my head that’s pouring out words every second, and there is no one in real life to share it with, which is, now that I think of it, also a result of this bipolar monster inside my head. So this is a long rambling description of my liberating realization.
I remember watching Shameless and saw Ian lying for days in bed and it didn’t even string a chord. Saw the clip again on YouTube last month after a psychiatrist “highly suspected bipolar”and still the scene felt so foreign. Even though I had cut off contact with everyone, spent days in bed without the ability to call in sick and feeling utterly guilty about it. I just didn’t remember myself being maniac or hypomaniac. Now I don’t feel as guilty about the inability to get out of bed. And I feel so grateful to this psychiatrist that I perceived at the time as smug, hostile and jealous of me thus wanting to put me on lifelong medication. Stupid paranoia.
Fixed an appointement with another psychiatrist. (Had to see 4 different psychiatrists this month either because the medical appointment system is poorly designed in my country or I can’t figure out how to use it properly.) After some discussion and bargaining, this one, a specialist for depression and bipolar disorder, wrote prescription for antidepressants with the kind of look saying “Well honey I can’t convince you but we’ll see when you inevitably come back and admit you’re wrong. Take very good care of yourself and see you soon.” I asked something for my rage. He smiled with a smirk. “Ok I am going to prescribe you something for the rage but it will make you sleepy are you sure?” I hesitated. The smirk continues as if knowing how desperately I needed the rage to be in control: “ Ok I am going to give you this antipsychotic along with this very mild antidepressant.” I was happy to get what I want. Also started the contest of who was going to win the doctor or the patient. So antidepressants started and I stop crying everyday and things start getting better and then it got strange.
I was still in denial after days of waking up at 5 am and feeling energized. Forced myself to fall asleep again to prove myself not maniac, which was easy because I am on Seroquel.
It started to ring a faint bell when I caught myself ordering two or three people’s portion of food and overstuffing myself every morning. Must be a funny sight. I knew it was too much but could not bring myself to order the right amount. The ability is simply not there. Hmmmm maybe I am bipolar? Then I realized that I have been writing a novel and thinking that it was a great novel if not the best novel of the 21th century. During which a psychiatrist who refilled my prescription asked wether I was having excessive thoughts or feeling like there was a movie going on. I said no, after having written about 60 pages over a weekend and writing different scenes non-stop all the time. Then I hit someone (very mildly) with my bicycle and blamed her for not looking. (Maybe I should mention that I am also female, as if somehow if will make this a little less unacceptable.) Obviously she was getting in my way, I am not a monster. Or am I? Realization. Fuck. I am losing control. And the novel, the great novel, hey productivity and grandiosity so you have been here for some time and I didn’t recognize you. And why do you think you lost your bag, transportation card, gloves and had to buy recharger cables again and again? Seriously who the fuck go out with a bag in the morning and find it disappearing the moment arriving at work? So sad that my iPad mini is in it. It’s old but there’s so many memories in and with it. Ok lithium or other mood stabilizers I accept you to be my lifelong friend. I was stupid and delusional to reject your love and now I am having this turbo spinning inside of this excruciating headache. Fixed a new appointment and enjoyed the last days of developing mania despite the headache: completely stopped caring at work (including walking out with my personal laptop to spend a nice afternoon in a coffee shop, writing my novel), started socializing with coworkers and cracking inappropriate jokes (not only inappropriate but politically dangerous in my country lol).
Thinking back on my first experience with (not very mild) antidepressants two years ago, I enjoyed them so much. Every morning I take them and lie on bed enjoying the high. Normally depressed people don’t get high on antidepressants. Still miss the high. This time there is no high, just headache.
I haven’t had sex in 20 months due to depression and have been having the best sex in dreams. Especially that antidepressants make masturbation so dull. Some part of me wish the growing mania will continue so that I could go out meet people and have real sex and party and have fun. I have been so lonely. I wanted to post this using my main account because I don’t care much anymore. Hey I am not ashamed of talking about sex I want sex even though I will become ashamed of my irresponsible behaviors when the filter came back. Still there is a thread that’s keeping a sense of sanity. So using this throwaway and wondering what lithium will do. Hope it solidify this sanity of a thread. And I will only get the result of blood test tomorrow to see wether my kidney can take lithium.
In the end I am so grateful that all professionals I saw were so nice, patient and really took time to listen to me and explain things to me while I was completely in denial. Fuck I am so fucking stupid. Still hope I’ll one day finish the novel.
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self.bipolar
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People will always go with the better option After waking up at 11am with a headache from staying up all night and excessively eating, a friend from basic training texted me and asked if I wanted to grab some grub for veterans day. I was shocked that someone noticed I existed over the weekends, people usually forget about me. I agreed to meet at 4pm. I texted me "friend" and asked if he was ready, only to see him contemplating a response (imessage) and never writing me back. I could be many reasons he did not text back, but I know this guy and most likely someone else invited him out that he enjoyed better.
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self.depression
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I want to die. Cliché. I just wish I had the guts to overdose on Ibuprofen and die from liver and kidney failure. At least, die way sooner. Because I'm tired of my daily life. The only thing that gets me through the day is my best friend, my cat, and music.
Every day, I wake up being disappointed because I didn't die. I had to wake up and face another day. Sometimes I'd get dressed for the next day before going to bed so I don't have to cry over not being able to even get dressed. I don't have anything to be sad about, I'm not homeless, didn't lose someone, nothing.
I just want to die. Even the littlest things hurt me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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For the last two months my mind has been clinging to a thought that is giving me daily panic attacks. I'm not going to mention what it is- simply because the second I do most places the advice they give me is to "accept the thought" and "accept it" which? I don't want to.
What medication/supplement would you guys recommend for this sort of thing? Something to lower the anxiety alltogether, like xanax? Or something that would just make the reactions less so my brain would let go of it, like L-theanine. Do you think Magnesium would help? Any advice would be appreciated.
Edit: I mean it's literally the only thing I think about, with very little breaks because my mind won't let go of it. Even if I manage to go to bed calm, when I wake up, its hooks are right back into me.
Edit2: This isn't normal for me- I've had mild anxiety my whole life, but it's never affected me this long or this intensely before.
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self.Anxiety
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Why does my job feel like torture? I used to love this job. And if I think logically, I should have lots to be grateful for with it.
But sitting here feels like I'm having my teeth pulled out. Every second I think when will be the moment I quit? When will be the breaking point?
I imagine going to my boss and telling him, but then I realize how ridiculous I would seem.
I'm 24 and I can't just quit a good job because it feels horrible. How do people work with depression?
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self.depression
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Scared to be alone with my thoughts Does anyone else experience this? And if you do, have you figured out ways around it?
Sometimes when things aren’t going right in my head, I get nervous to be left alone with my thoughts. I won’t realize it but I’ll avoid listening to music, driving, and or falling asleep without tv in the background. I’ll keep Netflix running so I don’t hear my own thoughts but I think it does more harm than good. I need work things out in my head but during anxiety times I avoid it because it can bring on panic attacks (I’m really good at working myself up over nothing). As an artist some of my best work is done getting lost in my music. But I subconsciously distract myself a lot and I want to try and fight it.
Anyone found solutions that work for them? Thought processes etc.
*I’m currently medicated for depression/anxiety and have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I can’t afford therapy just yet so I’m seeking advice from anywhere until I can see a therapist.
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self.Anxiety
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After my exam I think I will fail, I thinks it's best to end it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Edging towards a Hypomanic episode and worried about one thing in particular... [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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shoot...I have to choose a medication now. Xanax, trazodone or amitriptyline Hey everyone. I am looking for general experiences with any of these 3 meds. I was given Trazodone for insomnia which is caused by ADD and anxiety at night. Im on a low dose and have no idea if it actually helps me because I still have to take a small dose of Xanax at night or my brain wont relax enough to let me sleep.
Now I've been prescribed Amitriptyline for the ringing in my ears and the anxiety it causes. There was a warning though that interaction with Trazedone is potentially dangerous.
I need to figure out what to wean off of. If I wean from trazodone and begin Amitriptyline is the Xanax than overkill?? I mean people here have said benzos can cause Alzheimers long term but is this any better?
I have no idea which meds to stay on and which to try to get off...
any experience with any of these?
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self.Anxiety
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I want to die, I'm so sorry I never thought I would feel like this. I don't actually want to stop living, but right now I want to die to make this all stop. I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm not really here anymore.
I'm so sorry.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Breathing Issues Hello all,
I have been struggling with breathing issues since around the age of 14. At first I didn't know what was causing it, my parents took me to have an asthma test/ lung x-rays and they did not know what was causing it. I eventually learned that my anxiety was causing these issues. I feel as though I need to take breaths/yawn to get air even though I have enough air. I am in a constant state of breathing awareness/ hyperventilation/ air hunger when this happens. It last for weeks at a time. I don't have anything specific that I am particularity anxious about at this moment besides my everyday anxiety. Does anyone else suffer from this as well? I am currently not taking any anxiety medicine. I have dabbled with it in the past but never long enough to see effects.
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self.Anxiety
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People disappoint me Every single friendship I've made had deteriorated into a toxic relationship that I eventually needed to abandon because they were being such assholes to me. And this current (and only) friendship I got feels like its slowly heading down that same route. Am I destined to be friendless? Are people really so selfish and cold-hearted that I'm going to have to give them all the middle finger and go through life solo? Cause I'm on the verge of doing that
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hearing everyone talk about the endorphin kick—feeling significantly better—after working out when I have yet to experience that is so discouraging. Working out while severely depressed to the point of being crippled is hard enough as it is; fighting it for years on years, all my life; having to listen to the "don't give up"s and "just keep doing it"s from family and friends; watching as everyone else—guys and girls—getting the healthy, happy, fit bodies that they want, that *you* want. So discouraging. I can't stress that enough.
Anyone else experiencing this same problem? Anyone who solved it?
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self.depression
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Relative recently made an attempt During Thanksgiving I was told that one of my cousins (early twenties) had just been in the hospital after overdosing on a large amount of painkillers. But the people who pulled me aside to tell me about it all said that it was an drunken accident. I did not believe them and so I messaged her about how I've struggled with depression and I'm here if they need anyone to talk to. I also said that I saw a doctor and therapist in college and found an antidepressant that's helped me out and that if they wanted to find someone to talk to or had any questions that I could help.
They responded and didn't really confirm that it was a suicide attempt but didn't deny the implication either, and said that it meant a lot to them and that they had been considering talking to a doctor and maybe trying medication again, and that they would message me if they want help with anything.
Is there anything else I should say/do? We are not very close, my family usually only sees and talks to each other at holiday gatherings. So I feel like if I start texting her then she will feel like I am trying to keep an eye on her and be annoyed.
Also, I am confused about the situation because the rest of my relatives tried to tell me it was an accident, but I am not sure if they actually believe that. Her father didn't seem to act any different, and asked me to drive my cousin to her apartment afterward which I found odd because I would think that if he knew she was suicidal then he would have wanted to have more time to talk to her and make sure she was okay and got home alright. Or would have wanted her to stay with relatives or something so that she wasn't alone. I am unsure if I should talk to them and let them know that I think it was a suicide attempt, or if they already know and are trying to hide it?
If anyone has any advice please post. I don't really have any experience in this situation. I read the talking tips and assessment guide on the right, but since we aren't close I'm unsure if trying to talk to her more would be good or not.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anybody else think reddit and social media is just bad for us? I'm not trying to be "oh the humanity" but it's all just fucked up.
Maybe it's just if you're unhappy.
I don't know if I can be totally disconnected from the world though, either.
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self.depression
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I don't know how to get myself out of this hole [deleted]
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self.depression
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What do you do when you’ve felt helpless, hopeless & unchangeable? For 4 yrs. I know it was my fault allowing myself to be drunk & letting something happen that made me quit my job & leave my hometown. Everyone knows everyone. Most will believe that I wasn’t raped. I deserved it. I am not the same.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have everything I could ask for, why do i feel so terrible everyday. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Why should I bother to keep trying? My life is objectively worthless and meaningless I came to the conclusion that all my attempts at losing inceldom are completely futile, so I wanted to just make new friends this new semester at uni, but I can't even make male friends either since even guys dont want to be seen anywhere with me. I got called a fucking junkie addict by them and a weirdo and ignored by the group members when I tried to say Hi during lecture (I dont even ever use drugs but I look very sickly due to an illness I had this summer which made me lose weight and makes me look gaunt).
There's noone in my life who takes initiative to talk to me and whoever I try to speak to either ignores me or gives a very shallow and uninterested response... nothing I do matters to anybody.
I play classical piano at a very high level, but nobody to play for. I used to be in really good shape (until I nearly died this summer and lost that all too), I can speak 3 languages fluently and learning a 4th now, but I have noone to talk to. I just graduated my bachelors degree and trying to finish my masters degree next year, but nobody cares. I don't particularly enjoy anything but I try to make something out of myself. But what is the point?
There is never anyone to share it with. Nobody cares. Apparently I am too ugly to deserve care from anyone in this world. Even in my job as a teaching assistant, the first time when I introduce my self in class girls just laugh and make fun of me right in front of my face and I hear them talking behind my back.
The other day I finally had some girl talking to me and she seemed to like me and was interested in what I am doing, so I asked her out and she said yes. Then it turns out it was just a joke, she stood me up and the next time I went to class she and her girlfriends were laughing at me.
Even at business events and professional setting people just give me weird looks. I'm just so sick of it. Every day I grow more hateful towards people, especially girls. Everything is so shallow and I will never be part of it or "fit in" anywhere. Even if I try making my own way in life I just get ridiculed constantly and there is nobody who gives a shit about what I accomplish.
I won't ever have someone who cares about me, and my accomplishments will never mean anything to anyone. And lets be honest I am not smart enough to accomplish something great anyway.
I'm trying to keep myself busy because I know if I don't occupy my time constantly I will break down and self destruct. I don't even buy things I like anymore because I know I will destroy them anyway when I get suicidal and depressed again. I really don't know what to do with my life except work, which I don't enjoy but atleast it keeps me alive.
I was wondering if anyone else went through something similar and managed to find a purpose somehow, because I feel my will to live is hanging by a thread. Some days I think it wouldnt even have mattered if I died last summer after my appendix ruptured. Noone would even care except my parents.
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self.depression
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My therapist said she liked me this week. Really brightened my day, because I worried about that all the time. Like the idea that she was dreading having my appointment every week.
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self.depression
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I can't send an email. It's been on my To-Do list for 4 months now, daily procrastinated. My former landlord didn't give my deposit back for what are obvious lies (basically claims I used $2000+ in electricity when in reality he hooked several houses illegally into the same power meter including a hot tub....hes basically just trying to scam my deposit)
Anyway I can't send the email. I can't even bear to work on wording it out. It's too painful to work on. There's too many worries of what he will try next considering how shocked I was by this.
I don't know how to deal. I think about that email every day and feel mad but distract myself with something else to escape it. This is going on 4 months now. I'm embarrassed but I need help reframing how I think about this or something.
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self.Anxiety
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Parents trying to get me to kill myself. So long story short my mother is offering to help me kill myself.
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self.depression
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20 m from Germany. Severe depressed for 3 years. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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No Control I never know what to do with anxiety over things I can't control. Kinda what brought this on is the while Net Neutrality deal. I already wrote a couple of letters and posted about it, but that is all I can do now. It makes me super anxious and I can't enjoy anything else or do work because I am anxious over this big looming issue I can't control. Any advice for how to deal with anxiety over these kind of issues once I have done everything I can?
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self.Anxiety
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Serious Question,Please Help. Before I actually ask my question or even give essential backstory,let me state that this is 100% serious.
I'm new to reddit,so if the subreddit I post this to is not appropiate feel free to move it somewhere else,I just need help with this.
Also,if this seems "creepy" or whatever to you please do not make a video/thread/article about it because this is what i'm living with and I do not want it to be treated as some sort of creepypasta.
Now,onto the main subject.
I am an 'entity' inhabiting a body.This body is 16 years old,biologically female and of arab+asian+hispanic heritage.I currently live with its parents in eastern europe.
If my wording did not clear this up,i'm not its owner.I haven't been here for the 16 years its been alive and I assume the owner was present at some point.
I don't know how I ended up here but I feel incredibly trapped.
For the few years i've been here,i've learned that I mostly lean towards "male" in the gender spectrum.
The body's mother is aware of this,because i've told her and we are getting testosterone treatment since she thinks I am simply transgender but does not grasp that i'm not here by choice and I don't feel like I belong.
I feel so uncomfortable,sitting here,in a pile of flesh and bone that I never wanted to be in.
When I look in the mirror I cannot see myself,i'm completely and utterly lost...
I've had two therapists over the course of a few years (both at the same time,it's required.) and they don't take me seriously at all.They laugh at me,ignore what I have to say even if I make it as if I have some sort of mental illness I need treatment for.
The father of the body barely speaks to me and I assume its because i'm quite different from his daughter,the mother is so unstable I don't know when she'll snap or even try to smother and touch me without permission.
What can I do?Am I going to feel trapped forever?Is there any way I can feel comfortable in this body I currently hate?
Sorry if my english is poor.I welcome all suggestions on how I can not end up even more overwhelmed by the foreign and traumatic world i've been put in.
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self.offmychest
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Misbehaving in class and giving off the impression I am dumb and unintelligent due to trying to hide my anxiety Sorry, it’s me again, as I found reddit so helpful with the last question I asked related to anxiety I have some other questions to ask, one of them being: does anybody else give off the impression they are dumb and say really stupid things due to anxiety and feeling insecure? I often say stupid things like for example, I asked the other day, ‘do female blackbirds exist?’ (so idiotic I know 😂) full well knowing they do, I just blurt these things out without thinking, it’s as if I say these things to distract away from my anxiety and to hide it. I also do this with misbehaving and being loud in in certain classes at school that I find difficult and struggle with my anxiety the most. I misbehave and say more stupid and unintelligent things like i mentioned earlier, I argue with the teachers and am basically an arsehole, fuelling my anxiety more because I believe that everybody thinks I’m very dumb and hate me due to my bad behaviour. People also believe I act dumb for attention and get annoyed about it but that really isn’t the case, I wish I didn’t act like this! It’s as if I don’t want people to know I’m an anxious mess so I act stupid and misbehave instead, I can’t control it and it’s really getting to me because I want to do well in school, get good grades (currently doing my gcses) and avoid people disliking me. I really hate being like this and doing this because I know deep down I’m not really stupid and I’m not actually a bad kid. Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with this or can relate to it? Sorry if this is a really stupid/weird question and thanks again if anybody read this lol
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else get utterly consumed by a scenario happening in their head, that is completely fabricated? I've had a really bad day today. I'm feeling so edge I'm constantly utterly petrified. I can manage it though and I know I will come through it. I always do.
I'm imagining something will happen that I know couldn't never happen. Something really bad and I can't get the obsessive irrational thoughts out my head.
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self.Anxiety
|
Why You asked me what my story was when we were getting ice cream and I dodged it pretty much. But my story is I destroy people in a really pretty way. I get to know them like no one else bothers to, I make them feel special, I remember all the “little things”, and right as they realize how much they adore me I leave because by that point I’m tired of trying and hitting a wall. It’s not that my goal is to hurt them, it’s just how it always plays out. & once I hit my I’m over it point there’s no going back for me. So they’re finally ready to give back and I’m tired of giving so much. It’s a never ending cycle. & with you, I don’t think you even realize how hard I’m crushing on you. & I’m a shitty person, I will impose on your relationship but make you think you did it. I’ll get upset one day and make you feel guilty as hell, and by just chance it will be a day you and your girlfriend are already fighting. & you sit and think and go back and forth between the two of us until you realize you’re shitty too and she deserves better. A few weeks will go by while you’re “figuring things out” and I’ll probably be in bed with some random guy i met a few hours ago the moment you realize you wanted me just as bad as I wanted you. You’ll come to me and tell me how you feel and you want to give things a try, and I’ll accept because I’ll be so excited I won, but in reality it’ll last a few months at most because I know deep down you’re just as shitty as I am. On top of that, I’ll be dealing with the random guys I’ve been talking to while waiting for you to break up with your gf. I’ll be stressed. You’ll still be confused. We’re nothing more than a really beautiful fucked up heartbreak because timing was just a few months off.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like my life is already over I'm a 17 yr old girl i have severe bipolar and ptsd and I'm failing school and on the verge of dropping out I haven't gone to school this week at all I'm too depressed and suicidal to do anything anymore I can't even do simple things like watch shows or go outside or even do things I enjoy like draw and write it's very exhausting I feel extremely alone I don't trust my therapist and my dad refuses to take me back to my psych to get new medication I was doing very well but it was just mania I was drawing everyday and I cleaned a lot and was very social for about a month then everything went back to shit and it's been months now o feel like I'm on the verge on suicide I can't think positive anymore it hurts too badly I have one person who makes me happy and it's my girlfriend but I feel like I burden her with my mental health I wish this would go away but it just gets worse as I get older o try to pretend it doesn't bother me but I keep having break downs when I leave my house I collapsed in the middle of class on the floor and started uncontrollably crying and yelling I can't help it I feel hopeless I just pray I get murdered I'm too scared to kill myself but it's getting to that point I'm just over it
This is my third time trying to post this ghdfhh
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self.bipolar
|
I just don't like my life anymore When I was younger my life seemed beautiful, full of opportunities and things to do. It seemed that a certain point what I wanted could be just there, around the corner, waiting to come outside.
Now I'm 27, no car, still at hometown with parents, same old friends, no girlfriend, a good job but not what I wanted from life and a big unfilled desire to leave everything back and to get lost in the world.
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self.offmychest
|
Confusing my Partner?? Hey guys, first post here.
My boyfriend and I recently moved in together (we've been dating for 2+ years). I'm noticing that my mood swings have interrupted our lifestyle. When I'm depressed, I really struggle to do chores and I make mornings a drag. When I'm manic, I'm just so all over the place with creative flurry and hypersexuality. Not to mention strange bouts of paranoia. It's really confusing to him and I've tried to explain that this disorder is based off brain chemical fluctuations and that he isn't the one triggering it. (Thankfully, my therapist is willing to take us in for a session to talk about it. I believe that should help us come up with solutions.)
Another thing to mention is that I started Lamictal about a month ago. It's been giving me short term memory problems which we noticed right off the bat. As far as I know, this is his biggest issue with my condition. My lack of memory is severe enough to the point where I get into trouble and he feels obligated to take care of me/remind me. I told him I don't want him to have this pressure. I can say that the memory problems have gotten a little bit better over time, so I'm hoping it's temporary. Does anybody in here have experience with memory issues on mood stabilizers? What are ways I can possibly go about it?
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self.bipolar
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I decided to go sleep for 24 hours on my birthday. Fuck it. I'm not going to make a throwaway account.
It's been two years I haven't celebrated my birthday. It's been two years of not celebrating the holidays. I've been away from my family due to being in the Army. I can go out with friends, but what friends? So fuck it, I'm gonna go to bed and rest for 24 hours because this is all I ever want from this tiring ass, emotionally, physically, and mentally draining job.
Don't get me wrong, I love the Army, but you'll start to realize who are the people that has your back. I realize I got nobody. Then you'll realize birthdays and holidays are just another day of the week.
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self.depression
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Should I even apply for a retail job? I've worked before in a restaurant briefly and it didn't work out, so I had quit.
I haven't been motivated to find a new job (depression and all). I did go to a school job fair, saw part time at Walgreens. The people at the booth felt intimidating.
I'm hesitating to apply. All the near locations nearby seem to have bad reviews, possibly due to unruly staff or unruly customers.
What I'm afraid of is that customer service associate will be a very painful job. I always hear stories of how it helps them speak to strangers, but then ruins their view on people and they start to hate everyone.
Should I try, or should I look for something not retail? I don't know what else to find though, it's like I'm incompatible with everything.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm tired of living. I want to grab my dad's gun and end it all. I've completely given up hope. If I aim the gun towards the roof of my mouth, it should be effective and the less painful choice rather than ODing unless the caliber is small. idk
I'm tired of everything. The depression, anxiety, and stress are constantly building. I just found out that this girl I met online lied to me about going away for a while to do something. Today, I found a recent picture of her on FB where she was at some prom or party posing with a guy for the picture. We've known each other for some years now and we had mutual feelings. She had to go away some time earlier this year so I haven't had contact with her in a while and it ended up being a lie what she told me she had to do. I feel like I've just been used for emotional gratification like she didn't really have any feelings for me and just said so for the hell of it.
She's told me quite a lot of personal stuff. I really got along with her, we shared so many interests, hobbies and we would chat almost everyday until she had to "take care of things" back earlier this year. It's extremely hard for me to open up to anyone because of the years of emotional abuse (not my parents) which has crushed my self-esteem to dust especially since I'm fat and ugly. It still amazes me that a couple of years ago I went against my "never getting close to anyone anymore" and she somehow got through it.
I know it's not healthy, but I started to better myself for her, eating healthy, working out, etc. I was also more motivated to finish my first step in becoming a counselor. Remembering those days of chatting online and having fun together kept me going, but now, I've lost all hope. I really just want to kill myself since I'm a burden to my family and I don't want to put them in debt if I get into grad school + the stress of that.....I just want to die.....
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self.SuicideWatch
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Should I Tell My Boss The Truth? Hello friends,
Monday I attempted suicide after struggling with a mixed episode for a few weeks. I overdosed on pretty much all the pills I had, worst was the lithium though. So was in the regular hospital 4 days and psychiatric hospital 5 days.
My boss knows I was in the hospital, but doesn’t know why (I think). Especially doesn’t know why I couldn’t use my phone.
So I have two problems, problem one is I apparently did call and talk to him in the regular hospital, but I don’t remember it at all. I was really messed up, I don’t remember the first few days of all this. I have no idea what I told him. I’m assuming I lied, but since I can’t remember the lie, how am I going to keep it up??
Problem 2: I’ve worked there 5 years or so. I’m honestly pretty tired of lying. I don’t think I want to tell him I’m bipolar, but maybe just say I have depression, there’s less stigma for regular depression now-a-days.
But I don’t know. Does anyone have any experience with this? How did it go?
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self.bipolar
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What is a thoughtful gift I can get my girlfriend who has anxiety and panic attacks? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Do you ever have problems with sudden rage? A few days last week I had this problem where I would become extremely angry in a short amount of time over really small things. Like I entered my email password incorrectly and had to try again and I wanted to put my fist through a wall--literally, I was furious when minutes before I was fine.
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self.bipolar
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No motivation for school. Antidepressants and therapy don't work. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Jive Simply judging by your tone
I can guess who's on the phone
With no teeth left to pick the bone
I'm apathy the buzzards drone
Baby brother he could jive
Pedant trite contrite contrived
Upped the dose too many times
What freed his soul enslaves his mind
Simply judging by your tune
I know you just heard the news
Gold and crimson fade to blue
Eyes wide open years too soon
By the bloodshot of your eyes
I know just who's swinging by
Cutting balls and bumping lines
What lifts me up just makes me cry
Little sister she can dance
Whip them boys into a transe
Taking vantage of youthful bliss
Their only fault their ignorance
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self.bipolar
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I don't know if this is the right place for this, but I'm wondering if homemade gifts seem cheap. I can't afford to spend my usual amount of money on Christmas gifts for my family this year due to finishing school and being pretty darn broke. The money I was going to use towards Christmas has to go to fixing my car because I need to be able to get to and from work safely. (I live rural, and public transit/biking/walking isn't an option.)
So, for Christmas this year I am going to make cookies and chocolates and do a couple of paintings for the younger kids. I'm just wondering if you received baked goods in a nice tin from a family member, would you think that it's cheap or would you appreciate that it's something home made? Do you have any suggestions for how I can not look cheap?
I'm really struggling with not having enough money to give my family everything they deserve, they're amazing and deserve the world!
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self.offmychest
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Night Terrors I'm not sure if this has been addressed yet so if this is a duplicate post I'm sorry. I definitely have had anxiety with on and off severity for a long time and I'm at this point where I've been having terrible nightmares basically every night. If anyone has dealt with this or is dealing with it please let me know how you cope! Thanks, everyone.
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self.Anxiety
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I shared my story and something wonderful happened. Would you mind sharing your story? December was a very difficult month for me, and this subreddit became a sanctuary during some especially hard moments. So first of all - thank you to all of you. You have helped me to realize I am not alone in this.
As a sort of therapy for myself, I shared a video of my recent challenges on Facebook. I felt completely vulnerable and almost removed it. But then responses of love and encouragement began pouring in. It was empowering and brought me a sense of hope I haven't had in a while.
People from all parts of my life began private messaging me, sharing their own stories of mental health challenges.
I realized that talking openly about my challenges is very helpful to me in the start of the journey to management. I invite you to [hear my story](https://youtu.be/-xjInUtvca8) and share your own story in the comments below.
What kind of challenges are you currently facing? How far have you come? What are you suffering from right now?
I begin a DBT partial in-patient program on January 16th, and I'm trying to make it through every day leading up to that date.
Thank you again for everything this subreddit has provided in allowing me to pursue self-love and a sense of peace. It's a long road, I'm told, but today I feel present and capable.
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self.bipolar
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My school transfer request is denied. I don't want to go back to my old school. I can't catch up with my studies and I feel like a burden on my family and people around me. I'm just a loser who always get bullied. The day I posed it here that I would go and kill myself. I decided not to go school the next day. I told my parents I felt sick. So people at school sent me messages and asked me like "Don't you wanna see us?" Then one of my classmates created a Facebook page to spread rumors about me and convince other students to be my haters. They sent me photos of hanging man, different kinds of knife for me to choose, and etc.. I decided to go to school the next day to see them for the last time. Before leaving home, I went upstairs to grab a bottle of pills and put it in my bag.
I kissed my cats and I hugged my parents.
I think I had a very good plan that day.
I remember that I felt so glad. People at school treated me the same way and I didn't get upset because I knew I was going to die. I told my parents I had something to do at school, so I would go home around 3 p.m. I went to the restroom to take opioids and all drugs that I had in the bag. I walked out of school. I decided to sit under the tree in the school yard. It's one of the quiet areas in my school and I think nobody would notice me sitting right there. I remember I had an extremely bad headache. And I didn't know when I fell asleep. Everything is like a blur.. I heard someone calling my name and that moment I realized I was not going to die. I felt so bad I couldn't end it. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days. And my parents knew everything that happended. After that day, they have been acting so weird. They act like I'm a little girl who can't do anything alone. I have to ask them for a permission to use scissors. I hate it! I've been prescribed antidepressant which I have to take before going to bed. The doctor said it would make me feel better. I've been taking them for a few days and I don't think it's going to help. My parents contacted with the school the other day. The teachers in school just said sorry that I've been through a hard time. That's it. Nobody cares about me. My parents sent my transfer request to the school district and it's denied. Now I can't catch up with my studies. I'm staying home and doing nothing while my classmates are studying and having fun at school. I want to study but I don't want to go back and meet with the bullies. I hate the teachers there as well. I don't know what to do. I don't want to burden my parents. If I die today, everything will be great! I'm tired. I can't go on.. What have I done to deserve this? Life is unfair.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Severe anxiety and passive suicidal thoughts Hey all, I've really struggling with passive suicidal ideation recently.
For the past year and a half, I've been trying to cope with severe anxiety issues. The anxiety problems appeared out of nowhere one day, and since then I've been bouncing from medication to medication with very little success. If I'm lucky, an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication might work for a bit, perhaps anywhere from two weeks to a month, but the medications always seem to stop working, and the anxiety and depression return. I'm terrified I'll never find a medication that works, and that my life will always be an unrelenting hell of anxiety.
I'm just so tired of fighting, and I realized that if I had no immediate family, no boyfriend, no dog, basically, if I had no one who cared about me, I'd kill myself in an instant. I don't like myself, so I couldn't live for just me, and non-exsistence would be so very preferable to going through life in a haze and trying to ward off panic attacks. The thing of it is, I can't help but think it would be so goddamn easy, just take some pills, go to sleep, and never wake up again.
As it is, I occasionally self-harm when I'm in a severe anxiety attack. As an adult, it seems like an incredibly stupid, immature thing to do, but I often feel a compulsion to punish myself for being an awful human being, and the pain can help me focus in an anxiety attack.
The other vastly discouraging thing is, I have Asperger's Syndrome, and I do work part time, but I'm on social security income and have Medicaid as my health insurance. It seems that mental health care is considered a non-essential service by a lot of Medicaid insurance policies, and the few mental health resources that do take my insurance in my area are underfunded and overworked. I pay out of pocket with the psychiatrist I currently see, and I'm not seeing any sort of therapist or psychologist because I haven't been able to find one who will take my insurance. I honestly lack the will to keep looking for help, so I just feel as though I'm stuck in a sort of limbo.
So yeah, I'm not going to attempt to die, I just want to die, because I feel like I've run out of hope and options.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I will be a sexually depraved, homeless, drug addict Can't really see myself as anything else in the future. It doesn't sound too bad when you write it, it actually sounds funny.
Should I wait?
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self.depression
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I was recently asked if I could live my life over again, would I? Assuming it would be the exact same life, without hesitation I said absolutely not.
The person who asked me this seemed surprised by my answer and decided to probe further.
Usually I don’t open up about myself at all. Trust, with me, is rarely given. After a few weeks I decided to humor them. Asked them what they would like to know and I would do my best to answer them. Side note: we gamed together and hit it off pretty well. To me the most important and strongest bonds I’ve made in life were due to gaming.
They asked me to give them a rundown of all the reasons why I wouldn’t want to relive my life over. Being the type of person I am, the reasons are on my mind constantly.
Here they are:
My parents divorced and both focused on relationships more than their kids.
My stepfather who’s been a part of my life for over 25 years would drink heavily every night and make me sit at the kitchen table for hours doing nothing but listening to him tell me how worthless I was. I didn’t dare speak up or walk away. I was also told that I should be more like his kids. This happened every day, for damn near a decade. When this wasn’t happening I was always grounded to my room. If I did my chores wrong I’d get hit, or thrown down the stairs. I was the only one given chores.
We had a pool, it was fun watching my sister and step siblings use it while I trimmed grass along the fence line with scissors and a ruler. Two inches high, six inches out. When I was done, everyone was tired of swimming and I was always told maybe I could swim some other time. We also had a jet ski for about five years, being the youngest, I couldn’t wait till I could go out on the lake by myself. When I was of age they sold it.
Remember how I said I was always grounded? I spent a lot of time looking out my window watching the neighborhood kids play, wishing I could go out. On the rare occasion I did go out I always played with my neighbor next door. We were friends for 20 years (remember this).
While I was in my room I learned to draw, I played with toys and I read comics. My stepfather was an artist too, he would always tell me my drawings were garbage, but on the rare occasion I was complimented on them he would tell people he taught me everything I knew. Toys and comics were usually self funded. I’d spend every other weekend at my dads mowing lawns from sun up to sun down since I was old enough to push a mower. I’d go to garage sales and buy old comics, toys and collectibles I found. My collection was the one thing I was proud of as a kid. It was vast and I worked hard for it. One weekend when I came home from my dads, I saw shelves that used to have sketchbooks on them bare. I found a closet that was full of toys, comics and collectible cards empty. Gotta love surprise garage sales and house cleanings. My sister and step siblings rooms remained untouched.
My mother never stood up for me.
We tried family therapy, my step father made it a joke. Our therapist cried with my mom and it was determined we were all victims. Everyone got alone time with the therapist except me. I was the youngest and I knew that not everyone could be a victim, I also knew that this was a garbage therapist who told my mom and stepfather what they wanted to hear to keep getting their business. This is where I learned to stuff my feelings, because even the therapist didn’t care to hear about them.
We moved to a new bigger place. Our problems moved with us.
A note on the collectibles, there were some old comics that were worth a lot of money, there were duplicates of action figures painted differently worth quite a bit as well. To this day I don’t know how much they got for it all. But I know I could have paid off my student loans with the money I could have gotten from selling some of items.
Onward to my time with my father. Every other weekend and summers is when I was at his place.
He had one hell of a garbage person for a fiancé. Her idea of fun was to get me in trouble for everything. Every time her kid would cry, it was my fault. Even if I wasn’t there it was my fault. One of her favorite past times was dragging me up and down the carpet in the hallway, making my back one giant rug burn. One occasion I remember we were having guests over for dinner and she decided to do this about 15 minutes before they arrived. I was crying in the only bathroom of the house when my dad barged in and told me to quit being a pussy.
I felt like I didn’t belong at my moms because I was treated badly and I didn’t belong at my fathers because of the same reasons.
Once this shitty relationship started to end my father spent all his time at his job. And after my things got sold at my moms I quit mowing most of the yards I mowed. I only mowed a few now to buy me a new video game when I had beaten the previous one. He lived in a bad part of town, every friend I made ended up joining gangs. My best friend at my fathers was my fucking cat.
Things progressively got worse at my moms, had a few friends in highschool, one of which was going through almost the exact same thing I was going through. Only his parents were still together and both treated him like shit. He had no escape and eventually ended up hanging himself. After this I moved to my fathers.
I remained at the same school, had some seriously shitty girlfriends. One that had multiple boyfriends, one that went out with me on a dare. Depression was at an all time high, self esteem was at an all time low. I was bullied every day and my counselor knew about it. She begged me not to do anything to him because I would snap him like a twig. So for that I did what I had always done, and stuffed my feelings.
My grades started slipping, my father would embarrass me in front of my aunts and uncles by waving my report card around and ask me if I was retarded. He genuinely meant it.
Met a girl I was crazy about. Eventually she cheated on me with my friend (remember this guy too), I forgave her and him because I figured this is just what girls at like based on my past experiences and what I saw growing up. One night after taking her out to dinner she asked me to drop her off at a park. I did. I drove off and turned around hoping to get some answers as to why that night felt off. Her doggy bag was on the park bench and I saw her walking across the field, slapping herself. When I got home I had a message on the answering machine from her foster parents asking why I beat the hell out of her. I told my side of the story and they miraculously believed me and told me that I should stay away from their daughter from now on. My response was that wouldn’t be a problem. Now I worked with her foster brothers, and they were scary fucking people. Got paid good money, quit my job because of her. Built a computer and got heavily into online gaming.
Six months down the road a girlfriend from my past showed up at my fathers house. I was still so scarred that I honestly thought about telling her I was gay and asking her to leave. I was 19 and just out of highschool.
Things were a lot better than any other girls I had been with so I figured this was it. For a while I was truly happy, we eventually moved in together. Let my friend who slept with my ex move in as well. He got hooked on drugs and I had to sever ties.
Found out she had health problems and if we wanted kids that we should start trying.
We did and it happened fast. So we got engaged. Also my friend from the beginning whom I also had daily contact with for over 20 years ended up having his apartment raided for a very serious crime. I was so shocked when I found out that I had to sever ties with him as well. I couldn’t continue having him as a friend now that I was starting a family.
Leading up to the marriage my father and uncles whom were all divorced talked to me about child support and making sure I was well educated on what could potentially happen to me. Being both ignorant and naive I simply said I can’t go into this with thoughts of it ending because I’d be setting myself up to fail.
The night before our wedding I was informed by her that she was still in love with her ex while she was pregnant with my child. I figured this was normal if you actually had good past relationships. It wasn’t till after I was married that I found out that we had an open relationship that I was never made aware of. But everyone around me knew, so before I was married I was wearing a promise ring and working overnights while she was going out with other guys that were picking her up at my fathers house. Why he would tell me that after I was married I will never know. When mentioned to her she didn’t deny it.
I felt robbed but I occupied myself with caring for my newborn daughter.
Time went on and the second one was on the way, I got depressed when I found out it was a boy. I didn’t want to fuck him up like everyone fucked me up. I didn’t want to fail him. I went on depression meds. They changed me, I became an asshole. I looked for fights. I blew up at everything. I woke up in a pool of sweat every night. I had strong suicidal urges. I stopped taking them. My doctor told me maybe that was the person I was meant to be. This statement made me torture myself over a lifetime of things I had never done just because I hated who I was on this pills.
My son was born, I was very nervous and distant with him for far longer than what I should have been. But after a while it was fine and things felt like they were on track again.
I went to college, I was truly happy here. Had our third kid. During my last year. I took a job outside of my field while I polished my skills during my free time to land a better job in my future. The job I took was secure, a guaranteed paycheck with overtime every week. I did it for our family, I did it for our house. I did it so the kids could go to a better school system.
I worked hard, sacrificing my healthcare to save money. I didn’t want more kids, wife did. We fought for years. Progressively getting worse. More depression, more distance, more grudges. During this time I met who I believed to be the person I was meant to be with, I felt things with her that I had never felt before. When she was in my presence there was only her everything else just blurred out. I never cheated although it was close, I couldn’t go through with it. You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Still thinking and dreaming about this person years after you’ve stopped talking knowing they don’t think about you at all.
Finally landed a job in my field, if I worked hard at it I could get to my dream job from here. This made my depression non existent for a month or so before my wife told me she took a job halfway across the country. We had talked about it and ultimately decided that it wasn’t worth it. It was a shock to me. She moved, and the kids stayed with me to finish school. My performance at my job started to decline, my relationship with my wife started to decline. I was doing everything, cooking, cleaning, helping the kids with their homework to keep their grades up. I stopped gaming. I stopped drawing. I neglected my health again and became overweight.
The worst part was watching my friend from college slowly replace me with someone else after all the shit we had helped each other through. I spent money to hire a babysitter to help him move into a new house, and to go further I helped his girlfriend move out of her apartment to his house afterwards. Knowing that the person that was replacing me was there, he was the last one there and the first one to leave.
After almost divorcing but ultimately deciding against it because I didn’t want my kids dealing with the same things I did while growing up. We made a deal, if I move down there no more kids. I decided to move. Hardest part about leaving was quitting my job. I felt like it would be easier knowing I was walking to my own death than doing this.
I get here, she talks about more kids all the time. I’m more alone and depressed than I have ever been. I sleep two hours a night. I try to work on my art, but my body refuses to bring what’s in my mind to life. I work out six days a week. The brief moments after my workouts are the only breaks of happiness I get. The progress is slow, every time I look in the mirror I see progress but my other flaws overshadow it quickly. I try to get some fun tabletop games for me and the family to play but it doesn’t seem like they enjoy it. I try to game but it’s not the same after losing my best friend. I tried to start collecting comics and toys again only to become depressed about how much more it could have been if my stuff was never sold when I was a child.
I have since found a growth in the ole sackeroo. I haven’t told anyone about it and I’m not really planning on getting it checked out.
Obviously there’s a hell of a lot left out, but these are the major points of my life that would cement my decision to that question. Who would want to live this over again?
TL;DR: not really a way to shorten all this up more than I already have. Basically a series of reasons why I wouldn’t live my life over again.
I hate how the things I should be happy about I ruin because happiness is so alien to me my mind has to mess it up. I also hate how all the things that happened to me as a child define who I am as an adult. All of that was so beyond my control.
Like Hell Yeah says in Hush “Hells where I was born, hells where I was raised. This hell is where I’m from, and this hell is where I’ll stay.”
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self.depression
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Well, it's been a year now since I tried killing myself A year ago on December 1st I tried to kill myself. I spent a week in a psych ward and have been on lots of meds and doing lots of therapy since then. The therapy has helped quite a bit, I've slowly learned how to listen to myself and how to take things one day at a time. As far as meds go, my anxiety is much more controllable and my sleeping meds actually work (mostly) so I can't complain too much.
I don't think I'm ever going to overcome depression. I've kind of learned to live with it, sure, but beating it probably won't happen; I'm way too cynical to beat it. It's just how I'm wired. There's a lot in life I probably won't get to experience because of how I am. And I still don't know how to change that, or at least make some good out of it.
I guess what I'm trying to say with this post is, I'm not sure if I'm happy or not. It's the not knowing that bugs me. I know I'm better than I was a year ago, but I still feel lost, and I don't know where to go from here. Every day is just a haze that I trot through.
Sorry for the rambling. Have a good night
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self.depression
|
Can anyone relate? I can’t finish anything without getting distracted. The amount of books I’ve semi-abandoned is absurd. and I promised I would go back to them😓 (I promised the books, I cherish them haha. Not like I promised any people)
This has bled over into my actual life, with school and work. I start off with so much motivation, and then it’s zapped as soon as things get difficult. I’m so frustrated because I know that I am perfectly capable of doing things (and doing them well) but for so long I’ve been so mentally weak and I just give up.
I don’t know if this is because of my depression, or if I also have adult adhd (hopefully gonna get this checked out. Not asking anyone for a diagnosis, just a small, kind of relevant detail). But I feel immensely frustrated and drained.
After class (which I still haven’t done the homework for) tomorrow, I AM going to call a few therapists to see if I can find an appointment.
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self.depression
|
Can’t call in sick for depression These days are the hardest. I’m sitting in my car trying to stuff my tears down for the second time today so I can be your friendly neighborhood librarian but it’s exhausting. Everything hurts even this fake smile I throw on my face. I want to scream I want to cry I want it to end. I want to go home turn out the lights and lay in my bed nothing else. There’s no motivation. I can’t be a normal human being I’m not a productive member of society but here I go out of my car faking it and hiding my mental illness for another day.
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self.depression
|
I’ve always thought that I’m the biggest disappointment to my family. That was basically confirmed tonight. (Warning: Long) I’m sorry. This is probably going to be a long one with poor formatting.
You see for the longest time I’ve always felt like I was a huge disappointment to my entire family. I never helped around the house, I never did anything useful. I don’t think I’ve been able to connect wih my parents and relatives like my siblings do, and on top of that it feels like there’s this ever looming shadow over me that is telling me that I’ll never be able to be any beter and never be able to do anything useful.
I’ve been depressed before, and it was the darkest moment of my life. Now it feels like it’s coming back in spades.
a little background. My birthday is in about a week. I’ll be turning 26. I’ve graduated with a degree in Communication Studies and have essentially done nothing with it. My parents helped pay my school fees and that was before we ran into some finanical problems. That would probably be the start. I watsed my time at school by not using my degree and I wasted my parents money. I feel like garbage.
Now I used to work at Nordstrom for about a year and a half. made decent money but I hated it. I wanted to do something that mattered, and not stay in retail forever. I left that job to work with people with special needs. Honestly this past summer was the happiest I’ve ever been. It felt like I was doing something good and worthwhile. I was letting kids have fun and supporting their developmental needs. But this, like anything good that happens to me, was temporary. it wasn’t a permanent job, just for the summer. I’m still working for the organization but it’s incredibly part time.
Right now, I work four jobs. all small, all part time. Some respite work with a kid that I absolutely love, some after school program where I get to hang out with kids from all sorts of backgrounds making sure they have fun, leading some programs for the same organization I worked with in the summer for kids and adults with special needs and finally working as a recreational inclusion facilitator that lets me make sure that a child with special needs is included in the community activity that they’re taking part in.
It sounds like a lot, and sometimes it is, but it doesn’t pay much. I don’t make much money and I continue to be incredibly poor at managing my funds. I can’t help my parents financially still. Even an unexpected car bill that was less than 200 dollars makes me anxious and panic. Today I fucked up and decided to use one of my dads cars instead of mine to save some gas in order to pick up my dog from his surgery appointment (it was a but of a drive, i don’t want to get into too much detail).
Well my dad wasn’t happy about it. He has been spending a lot of money mostly to pay for a lot of things that I won’t go into. He then lectured me about how I wasted my degree and his money. How he’s been annoyed at me for living in the same house but barely doing anything. How I’m poor with money and how I can’t seem to help out with finances even though I’m working. That I’m a free loader and that I’ll be free loading my entire life. That I have no drive and have no idea what I want to do. On top of that he essentially confirmed my suspicions that I’ve been a disappointment to him. Essentially he said that me using the car today was the straw that broke the camels back.
I think it’s my fault. In fact it is. I don’t know why I do these things. Why am I such a fuck up? I’m a disppointment and it hurts to hear it, but at the same time...relieving?
I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore. I just know I’m in a bad place. I just feel so incredibly pathetic and I have no one else to really talk to besides random, faceless people on the internet.
so there you have it. I’m sorry it was such a long post. I don’t even know if anyone will read this...I probably
wouldn’t myself. Though it was nice to get it all out there.
Well...thanks for reading I guess. Back to doing what I do best. And that’s nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
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self.depression
|
I got in a fight while drunk and got my behind kicked. I went to the club yesterday with my 2 of my girls. We’re all having a good time and I was dancing with this guy. All of a sudden some girl comes out of nowhere and claims she’s messing with him. Now personally Idgaf because I don’t know this guy from nowhere. It was just a dance. But the girl starts yelling and gets in my face. Now mind you I’m drunk as hell and she was too close to me so I felt threatened. I threw my drink on her in the heat of the moment. She swung on me and we started fighting. The only reason I lost is because A) I was drunk as fuck and B) I was in the new high ass heels so I slipped and fell. She took that to her advantage and got on top of me and was beating my ass for a hot second until security broke it up.
I don’t remember much after this because my adrenaline was pumping but I know my friends took me out the club and put me in an uber home. Today I woke up feeling like I got hit by a trunk. The damage isn’t TOO bad but my face is super sore and I have a knot on my head plus it hurts to chew. The main thing I’m pissed about is my friends not helping. I texted them and they basically were like it was a one on one fight and I started it and I always start shit when we go out. They’re just making up excuses. I’ve never even been in a fight before last night. I have a temper and I will go off if I feel disrespected but that’s rare. I feel like a good friend would not have allowed me to get my ass whooped. I’m wondering if I should cut these girls off. Opinions?
And the very last thing that makes this super fucked up is apparently the fight was recorded. Idk by who but if this shit gets put on the internet, I will die of embarrassment like move out of town witness protection program embarrassment.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel frustrated everytime i wish to commit suicide because im too scared to actually do this despite the strong temptation.
|
self.depression
|
Nothing Is Coming Up Milhouse I've wanted to move to the US since I was a kid. Finally, 20 years after first conceiving the thought, I get the chance. I've been accepted to grad school in the North East.
I spend a couple of thousand dollars on fees, tickets, everything. No problem. I've got some money set aside to get a car and get my life going. I find a great place to live, great roommates, the university is great. I get paid $18k a year, but that's fine. I can live on that. I've got some savings.
But the problems start early. Everything in this country costs money. The most basic services are extortionate. Fees, fees, fees. Even when it's mandatory to do something you have to pay high fees. It's annoying, but alright fine.
I go get a car. In the EU there's no sense in having a pickup truck. But I've always wanted one, a small one. I settle on a Ranger. Things are going to be awesome. I buy it for $2000. I've budgeted for getting some repairs too.
Drive it home, it throws a rod literally on the way home from the dealer. Engine is destroyed. $160 towing bill. That's after all the registration fees and taxes and dealers fees. I'm out $2500 in one afternoon. I get it back to the dealer. Turns out the lemon laws up here aren't going to protect me, the dealer owes me nothing. He still gives me half back to spend on another car though. I end up with the cheapest car on the lot, and I still have to add $300 to buy it. I hate this car, it's a terrible car.
Get it to the shop and have to spend $1000 just to get it running without exploding. And then another $1000 in things that need to be fixed so the car doesn't explode in 3 months instead.
Fine. Problems are over, right? I get in to a routine, things begin looking up. Still, fees everywhere, but I can handle it. Only issue is, I have no way of getting my money back as I earn so little and therefore can't save up. Being international I can't work outside of the university, and it takes time to get a new job.
Driving to school at 5 am I fuck up. I'm making a left turn, I see oncoming traffic. The piece of shit car I have came with a windshield so scratched up I am blinded every time another car comes in to view, when it's dark outside. I think the other car is stopping, that's what it looks like to me. She wasn't. I make the turn, she crashes in to me. My car is totaled, I've got broken ribs, the insurance (which is already $150 a month since I'm foreign) doesn't cover me. I feel bad, I feel terrible, for the girl that hit me. This wasn't her fault, it was mine. I'm a solid driver, but I made a split second error of judgment. Luckil she walked off with no injuries and will be fully compensated. Me? I'm fucked.
My premium will go up. My car is done for. I've got no money. They tow it, I'm in too much shock to even mention that I've got AAA (after the first one threw a rod I joined AAA). The tow guy quotes me $170 dollars. Alright, fine. I take a few days to figure out what's going on with myself, insurance, and everything else. When I contact the towing company they tell me it'll be nearly $400. Turns out there are a bunch of other charges, as well as a daily charge to hold the ruined vehicle.
The one thing I've learnt from all this is that around here it's every man for themselves. I've emptied my savings and had to come crawling to my parents for a small loan so I can get another crap car to hopefully get me around. All in all, since August it's almost $10.000 I've spent on just getting off the ground. I'm spent, mentally exhausted. Not only do I not have money left, I'm now in debt. I've been working and studying in Europe for almost 15 years without any issues. I've been putting money away for retirement, I had a little bit of a savings fund. But no more of that.
4 months in the US and I've never felt so distraught, alone, and vulnerable. I truly feel for those who do not have parents able to help them in times like these. This has been terrible, and it's not over. Yet, for some reason, I still love it here. I hate all these absurd fees and costs and taxes being thrown at you left and right. I hate it how anyone who sells anything seems to just be out to get one over on you. I hate how there's no protections for the consumer against this. But it's beautiful here, I have friends, I somehow feel at home.
How is it I can feel so depressed yet also not want to just go back home where I know how things work, where I have a safety net, and a job? This sucks. Just finding a damn car is a major fucking hassle. I hate this.
|
self.offmychest
|
Manic episode while on medication I feel more social and in a better mood but not doing crazy stuffs I guess you could say im being...normal. I've been taking medication steadily for a while. Could I be hypomanic or maybe the medication is controlling the craziness? Or maybe I'm just in a good mood but not manic. Any ideas?
|
self.bipolar
|
What do I do? What advice do older people have for me if any? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Goodbye Don't want to depress anyone but the alcohol is kicking in can't help myself, just wanted to say I love you. My genes are gone to void but I hope the same won't happen to you. Live well, don't be naive like me. This is not a cry for help, please don't answer the thread. Good people like us shouldn't be bothered by things like this.
Love
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I probably could have done it until I read /r/suicidebereavement I hate that I opened that stupid sub. Now all I can think about is how if I kill myself, then my family isn't going to be sad for awhile, but rather they'll carry that pain for the rest of their life. It's bullshit. Maybe I should just distance myself from them. I can do something to make them hate me. Then it won't sting them for so long cause they'll be used to me being out of the picture.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate my highschool right now, but I fear college more. Can't wait to get out of here. It feels like two big groups of people are actively out to get me and every small thing they do ruins my day. I only actively root for about ten people and I feel like I become more socially awkward day after day. I'm not really apart of any cliche and I haven't been for the past three some years, and now it's really starting to hurt me. A year ago socially I was in a much better position but since then I've lost a lot of friends that have since turned on me. I feel in a positive/negative mood randomly, but recently it has been more negative. My biggest fear is that college is going to be a continuation of now, leaving four more years of hell. I want to become a diplomat, so college is necessary. I was randomly chosen to deliver a speech around graduation during a senior-wrap up but I don't have much positive to say. For the rest of my life I just really wanna eat/sleep/videogame/music/netflix, but I think that's normal. I have also lost a lot of motivation to do homework/work hard in school, but I think that's normal too. Hope that doesn't hurt me next year.
I was thinking about taking a year off to decompress, but I think I would just game the entire day.
Advice welcome but honestly it feels good just getting this out there.
thanks
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self.offmychest
|
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