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I vented my problems to my husband and I feel even more alone and empty than before. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I can't do this. I am worthless. I know I'm a dime a dozen here, but it's true. My face is ugly, my body is ugly, and worst of all, so is my personality. I wish my self esteem wasn't so shitty but here I am. I'm overbearing, needy, and somehow feel like a narcissist and a piece of shit at the same time which is surprising even to me. I can't get help because having that on my medical records will fuck me over. I'm not angry at the world. I'm angry at myself for not being a good part of it. Wishing there was a way for me to do this so that at least my organs can be donated so that someone better than me can do something about this shitty place.
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self.SuicideWatch
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feeling trapped in a social engagement that could lead to more harm than good Hello fam
first, i love you.
second, my v close friend is playing in her band tomorrow night. there's a guy there who i potentially might hook up with, even though i am hesitant about it. but im not good at listening to those hesitant feelings and i wouldnt be surprised if i hooked up with him even if it isn't healthy. and the cherry on top? i forgot to pick up my prescription today and i'm lowkey wigging out. i know tomorrow i'll be an emotional mess and my anxiety might keep me up until early hours of the morning. not to mention, one of my biggest supporters is out of town.
i told my friend id be there for her no matter what and have been looking forward to this night for months now. but i think the obvious solution is to stay home in a safe place. i know that all i have to do is apologize and explain the situation but i still feel like a total utter piece of shit friend. i guess im just looking for support.
i hate when its just totally unclear whether or not i should "put myself out there" (like tonight - I went on a date and it went alright! there's a small win) ... sometimes it's really unclear whether or not it will be a good move or whether it will be me isolating. i know this situation is different though.
fuuuuuuuuck
love, me
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self.bipolar
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To everyone posting this winter season, you are not alone. Please read. I have been clinically depressed and under medication for most of my adult life. Yes there are drugs available, yes they have side effects. In my case, I think they saved my life. It was worth it. Recently I tried getting off of them and immediately became useless to others who really depended on me.
I'm sharing this with you because my supplemental method of dealing with sadness is helping others, and that's why I come here. Please realize that loneliness and depression can have many causes, but asking for help from a friend or doctor can be a lifesaving release from real pain. It is possible. You are not alone. God be with you. I hope this helps someone.
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self.depression
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I am desperate, lonely, and hopeless. I need to get this out, I think I'm at the worst I've ever been and I don't know what to do. And this will probably be really long because there's so much, I am sorry, I dont blame you if you find me annoying.
I feel completely hopeless, it's like everything bad that could happen to someone keeps happening to me, against all odds. I was never religious or superstitious, but it's becoming hard not to believe in luck or a higher power now. I often feel like I'm being punished for something, because it just doesn't make any sense how bad things are.
I want to explain but I don't even know where to begin. This year, and very recently, I only just realized just how messed up I am and how badly I need help. I guess I didn't see it before because I am incredibly stubborn and have a massive inferiority complex, so I thought I could handle it on my own. But I can't.
I don't know when it started. I don't think I've ever been normal. To start the list, I can't seem to get close to anyone. I've never had a real friend - only people I *occassionally* make small talk with who I eventually end up never seeing again. I don't even know how to make friends. The only time I tried was when I was in college (UK college - so I was 16 at the time) for a year. I thought it would just *happen* because I was on a specific course with people who I'd share interests with - but it didn't. I talked to them, they talked to me. It's not like I sat in the corner silently the whole year, in fact I was often the center of attention. But I just didnt feel any connections, and never talked to them again after I left.
I think there's something wrong with me. I don't even care for my own family, in fact I barely tolerate them. I also never felt loved by them, at all. In fact I remember as a child, I thought that the exchange of "I love you" between parent and child was a formality, like saying please and thank you just because you're told it's polite.
But it's not that I don't WANT to feel something for someone. I am horribly lonely. Every day I wish I could meet someone who cares about me, and who I care about. I spend so much time daydreaming fantasy scenarios where I'll meet someone like me and I'll finally have someone.
I should confess to my horrible, dark secret of a coping mechanism. I have been making up friends online for years. I have several, I make them accounts on things, I act like they're my real friends.
It started as just kind of like a storytelling thing, I guess. Then it became a placeholder for friends, because I had no one and it was comforting. I thought I would quickly be rid of it when I got real friends, but that never happened. It has now been six years. And I've only just realized the real weight of the situation.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's any way to fix the situation I'm in. I don't want to die, I really want to live.
I have awful health anxiety that stops me from getting a job or committing to anything. I always feel awful, physically and mentally, from stress and never sleeping enough. On top of that, even if I wasn't too worried about my health to move away spontaneously, I feel like my family is purposefully holding me back, refusing to help me when I ask, not letting me have simple stuff like my own bank account or even a phone that isn't probably under their control, and they don't encourage me to get a job or do anything, they seem perfectly content with letting me waste my life away. I'm an adult, but they treat me like a retarded child that's a burden to them.
Adding insult to injury, I sometimes feel hopeful, but it's quickly ruined by another bad thing that logically shouldn't be happening one after the other so fast.
I don't know if anyone is reading this. But I desperately need help. I'll do anything to get out of this! I just want to live a decent life and not always be suffering alone... is that really too much to ask for?
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self.depression
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Loved one has depression and I don't know what to do. [deleted]
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self.depression
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How can I convince myself friends and relationships aren't important? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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How to not kill yourself? The older I get, the more I run out of reasons. I’ve tried everything. Im 27 and still have lost friends and family that always swore they would be there. I can’t handle my brain. If I didn’t have family, I’d be gone by now.
Help?
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self.SuicideWatch
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What to do when people (usually girls) don't text back? Honestly idk if it's even worth it to keep trying. You know when you send a text, and she (or he) doesn't reply and then the anxiety comes flooding in like
"Am I being annoying?"
"Maybe they're just busy"
"Maybe they didn't get the notification?"
"Should I send another text just in case?"
"Oh fuck why did I say that?"
"Did I say something weird?"
"They probably wants nothing to do with me"
Is it even worth trying to keep the friendship alive if it's only one way and you're the only one trying? I feel like if they don't put in any effort at all to maintain contact and the friendship, then it's not even worth it.
But at the same time I don't want to push them away. I have this year of being replaced or all of my friends just leaving me or secretly hate me. If I don't work to keep the friendship alive, who Will? Not them.
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self.depression
|
How can I convince my doctor I need a Benzodiazepine? Because I really do, I can’t go out in public without freaking out and I get super paranoid at home. I really want Ativan, but I’m worried my psychiatrist won’t give me any. What do I do?
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self.Anxiety
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Don’t know what to do So my problems aren’t huge I probably have a fantastic life, but I’m Mexican and 15 and my Visa (E-2) we been having problems renewing it. So now I’m in Mexico in my grandparents house, and like it’s been like this for 3 months. I been doing my homework but more and more I’m losing motivation to do that, I haven’t worked out I basically just play video games or watch YouTube all day, and I feel like there’s nothing I can do. I’m starting to lose a point to life, I’m not able to go anywhere because it’s dangerous and we are runing out of money because my dad can’t take care of the business from Mexico (not his fault), but I’m also not seeing anyone, and I’m now scare of seeing people that I used to hang out with. I’m also really scared because if my visa gets revoke I will have to go to a new school my dad would have to get a job or start a new business it would be like starting all over again, in a new house and everything. I just want things to go back to normal thank you for being here.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Today I learned how to tie a noose. I can tie one in under 30 seconds now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else have intrusive thoughts about everyone they know dying? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Im not good with titles but it seems like a good day to die Heres a bunch of reasons not worth killing myself over that im going to anyway.
I got kicked out of my house because this dude spreas lies about me so now i dont have any friends/connections and the only place I can live is with my mom who refuses to move out of the ghetto.
My sister, my only real friend, moved halfway across the country.
I cant stand being alone so I have loads of fake golddigger 'girlfriends' but we dont actuallllly care about eachother.
The only woman I do care about barely talks to me anymore.
Someone backed into the front of my new Mercedes that id saved up months to get and insurance wont cover it. Its 6k to fix it.
Ive been in the ER 4 days in a row for panic attacks and ive taked almost all of my xan/k scripts, theyre not giving me anymore.
Oh and i got a $300 speeding ticket for going 5 miles over the limit today, that was my only christmas present.
(Username Bonus) I dont even skate anymore.
Anyway, I got another hour, i want to see the last sunrise.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Trying not to break down My husband leaves today for 2 weeks. He will miss Halloween. He will miss the switch over from my old job to my new job. He will miss my volunteering at my son’s school.
He always cooks so that will fall on me now. I sick at cooking. He always does the drop off and pick up from school but that will fall on me too. All of his chores will need to be done.
This happens 4 times a year for his big card tournament but this time it feels so much worse because of all of stressful things that will happen when he is gone.
I broke down this morning because somehow grilled cheese came up and I started crying because he makes the best grilled cheese and I don’t know how to make them. His are like really fancy delicious ones and we won’t have them while he is gone.
I know I’m probably being silly but recovering / in the middle of a mood episode I don’t know how I’m going to be a good mom.
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self.bipolar
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Am I crazy for wanting to get back with her? So let me give you guys a bit of a timeline first:
- April 2017 we met at work, became really good friends. She still had a boyfriend, but broke up with him about 2 weeks after we started hanging out.
- June 2017 I told her I liked her as more than a friend, she didn't feel this way towards me at the time.
- July 2017 she started dating a guy she already knew, we'll call him Jake.
- August 2017 she broke up with Jake. Jake made her feel terrible for it and cut her off completely, leaving her to say that she hated him and wanted no part of him.
- September/October 2017 she told me she's always been attracted to me, but wasn't ready for a relationship. I was in love with her at this time, after knowing her for a while and her being everything I want in someone. Suggested being FWB, which I took her up on. But whenever I tried to make a move on it, she didn't seem to want to do anything. We hung out just us 2 every day, would always be talking, but for some reason when the time came around to make a move she never seemed to want to do anything.
Mid October 2017 she said how we would be better off being friends since we didn't seem to be going anywhere and that it was hurting her self esteem, and that she started talking to Jake again. She is currently still dating Jake, but from what I hear from her are on the verge of another breakup.
And now I want her more than ever. I was absolutely heartbroken when she cut things off with me, and I'm still not over her. And she knows this. If she cuts things off with Jake, I don't know what to do. I want her back more than anything, but at the same time it's like she put me through such pain and I don't want to chance that happening again. She is everything that I could possibly want in a girl, and I can't imagine myself without her. And we're still friends, which probably isn't helping to be honest. But she's still my best friend. Am I crazy for feeling this way?
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self.depression
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What do they do to you in the hospital and pysh ward?
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self.SuicideWatch
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None of you care. I'm ready to kill myself [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Having shit to do gives me anxiety. Having nothing to do gives me anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
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It's 3am and I can't sleep. I am a light sleeper and generally have a hard time going to sleep, as my brain goes a mile a minute and despite being physically tired..I just can't. I was awaken by yelling and that really makes me anxious. I'm nauseous and I really hate the fact that I have to live with people yelling, aggressive and such.
Just rant. I can't really fall back to sleep. I hope this is okay to post. My anxiety is not good. Also I know the context is vague but one that sets my anxiety off is loud yelling/aggressive behavior..
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel so despondent today. The depth of my depression hit a new low today. Everyday I wake up wishing I was dead but today its really bad. I have no intent at hurting myself or others. This is been going on for over two years.
 
I'm 50. I have no friends to speak of, no family other than 1 sister. I've been out of work for over 2 years and am terrified of looking for or even getting a job. Right now I really don't like people but know the world is a better place with some in my life but I don't even know how to go about making friends when feeling so introverted right now.
 
I remember times when I was content and happy and it just depresses me more. I wish I could get a hug from someone who loves me and just cry for an hour on their shoulder.
 
I got a puppy hoping she'd be a good distraction and maybe help. It has but only a little. Under my health plan, I pretty much only get to see a therapist once a month. I even did IOP in October but never put anything it taught me to use since I feel so hopeless.
 
I know it can and does get better. I've been moderately depressed before, but nothing nearly as bad as I've felt this year.
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self.depression
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Whole family speaks a different language, feel left out? My dad started dating this Spanish woman and she doesn’t know English so everyone speaks Spanish. Is it normal to feel left out because of this? My dad took the time to learn Spanish and now they pretty much only talk to my two little brothers in Spanish.
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self.depression
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Just stopped my meds: what should I expect? I know it's different for everyone but I stopped my meds a week ago (seroquel & remeron). I am more often depressed versus hypomanic but I'm not sure what to expect right now. My panic symptoms have come back full force but other than that I'm not sure if my losing sleep is depression or hypomania. This is all new to me
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self.bipolar
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I hate coming back everyday just to find something. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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It's days like these that really emphasize how miserable you are. Everyone's out there celebrating. People you know brandishing how far they've come and how they're gonna take control of the upcoming year. Bring in more blessings. Get more out of life.
While I'm here.
I've slept all day. I've been stuck in my bed for days. And I'm probably just gonna sleep again and try to forget I'm living this useless life.
I've been here for years. And I haven't moved. I'm fucking miserable. Nothing's changed and nothing probably will.
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self.depression
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Do people think you're slow or unintelligent? I often have this from people. They think I am slow, even online. I wonder if this happens to anyone else? Can anxiety make us appear slow and unintelligent?
Edit: I certainly know it's not my anxiety that is making me think people think I am slow or unintelligent because I have gotten these comments before and the way people treat me because the way they talk to me or how they treat me is like how you treat a child. When I was a kid, I was treated horribly by my peers because they could tell I was different and I was also called slow then or asked if I am retarded (excuse the word) and thought I was too. It doesn't bother me anymore. I have no idea if it's the anxiety that gives people this impression or if it's my legitimate disability. People have thought this of me even when I was happy and calm and then bam I would get asked this question and i would start obsessing about it because I would wonder what i was doing wrong that made them think that. Now I only get those comments online that I am on the slow side.
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self.Anxiety
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I have a weird relationship with my friends around this time Recently I’ve been trying to be really mean deliberately to my friends and just making a really big argument with them over nothing. This is because I want them to temporarily dislike me so if I just die for whatever reason, which I do hopefully, then they won’t feel so bad if and when I die. I don’t really want them to be sad if I die and this seems like a pretty good plan.
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self.depression
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So sad watching my bf go to hella parties on his xmas vacation while I'm alone/working I know it's not his fault and I could have even maybe gone with him but it sucks I feel really alone and I'm not good at having a social life. It's 10pm on Friday night on Dec 22 and I'm alone in my office. My bf is texting me a bit but he's busy going between parties in his home town. I don't have any friends from growing up and he has so many.
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self.offmychest
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[Serious]Powers out, how do you make it less boring? I have extremely bad anxiety, and when the power goes out it just gets worse and worse. I think due to getting bored, which leads to over thinking. Any advice or tips to keep my mind busy would be a life saver!
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self.Anxiety
|
I get it now. I get it now.
My hurt didn't start two years ago when you decided you weren't seeing me anymore. The time you blocked me, months later randomly decided to call me "for closure", only to block me again.
It wasn't when you saw me on the same dating site we met on and randomly decided to say "hi", like we were fucking friends. Then ignored me again after I responded.
It wasn't when you told me you had moved on, and hoped I had too.
My hurt was when you left me for five days with no idea how you felt, three months into our dating. I tried to leave then but you promised better.
My hurt was bringing you Christmas presents and you apologizing...again...for not having gotten me anything. It was always the same on Valentine's Day.
It was calling or texting you to let you know I was thinking about you. Maybe having a hard day at work and needing a friend. Not hearing from you for hours but checking my social media to see you had certainly been spending time observing pictures of movie stars and other shit. It was you deciding to call me on your time, then ignoring me when we spoke. It was years of loving you more than you ever loved me, thinking of you more than you ever thought of me, being your glass of water while you left my mouth dry.
5 years now. 5 years. But after today, not anymore.
I get it now.
I deserve better.
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self.offmychest
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I've tried every suicide chat I can get my hands on. Just someone please talk to me... I'm questioning my entire gender (male, feminine) and sexuality (asexual).
Why am I plauged with anxiety and doubt and a constant stream of stress where I inevitably get completely wasted in an attempt to cope but instead I just look over everything in my room and realize through a drunken haze that I'm going to kill myself eventually?
I just want it to be quick. Like, not worry anyone. No one would be worried regardless.
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self.offmychest
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Just broke up with my fiancee because of my depression. I'm just gonna end it... [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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No matter how much progress I make I just backslide. I forgot to pick up my prescription because they sent the refill over to the pharmacy when I wasn't close to running out, so the pharmacy said I had to have it re-sent. I haven't been able to get through to my psychiatrist's office in the past several days because the switchboard is big and confusing and now I'm out of medicine and ready to give up.
To make matters worse I have been so, so overworked, and Monday I worked so late that I had to cancel my appointment with my counselor and now I don't even want to reschedule. I was so disappointed at the last appointment when we were supposed to talk more about EMDR and she didn't bring it up and I was too scared to. Now it doesn't even seem worth it because I'm off my medication so what's the point?
I want to cry. I was doing really well and being compliant with treatment for the first time in my life. I'm scared because when I get through to the psychiatrist's office they're going to lecture me.
There is so much other shit going on with me that I know I can't handle without treatment (I know I can't because I had to talk my way out of a long-term, forced stay at the hospital a few months ago) and I don't know. I sort of just wonder if it would be better to let it all go to shit so that someone will notice how serious this is. I appear (and am?) very high-functioning but I just need someone to take care of me because I feel like I can't take care of myself.
Thanks for reading.
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self.bipolar
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How normal is it to be consoled? This is probably going to be one mess of a post, I'm not doing super well right now.
I can remember but one time in my life when I've been consoled by anyone and that was when I was a little kid and scared to death because of a surgery I had to undergo and my mom would tell me she would go in my stead if she only could. After that I've never had anyone, not my mom or dad not my brother or friends, notice and aknowledge how bad I've felt and talk to me about it or even just hug and hold me. Not a single time when I was having a meltdown or anxiety attack or when I've wanted to kill myself. In part because I have no one to talk to either, but from what I've read from online sources it sounds like being consoled is pretty common? Like having people notice when you're not doing so good and act on it is something that totally happens in real life? Even just having more experienced people give advice or mentor you is something I haven't experienced much. Guidance, I guess. Literally the only time anyone has taken the time to properly teach me anything was an acquaintance teaching me to play dota so I could play with them. I played for the company until I got sick of the game and now no one plays anything with me because I don't want to play dota.
I'm sick of making constant efforts all by myself (regarding getting some help with my mental health - no one's ever offered to help nor ask about it and for years I convinced myself I was imagining things, trying to be a special snowflake or something) and they're not even paying off very much. I hate being this envious of everyone I hear from, it sounds like things just fall in my friend's lap without her trying all that much and she is able to enjoy that too because she isn't a depressed, socially anxious mess like me. She is able to see things she wants to achieve in life and she can be excited just about everything. She's planning for her dream job and she talks of ways of getting prettier and she has roommates she instantly clicked with. The only roommates I've ever had avoided me and never talked to me. ALthough I suppose eventually I mirrored that right back at them. For me, this friend I mentioned is the only person who even talks to me frequently. And she seems uncomfortable to talk about my depression or offer any support, not that I can blame her very much but I always offer her every support she's asked for and humored all her more weighty conversation topics that I realized were such.
Most every day for me is trying to convince myself I don't have enough reason to kill myself yet and that there might be something to look forward to once I start therapy. I can't enjoy almost anything I used to love and I have no one or nothing to spend my days with, other than the vortex of depressive and anxious thoughts that make up most of my inner dialogue. I have no dreams to pursue and I'm probably unemployable. I barely even have items I want. I've never had a job other than one internship that was arranged for me, despite my best efforts at summerjob hunting for the last three or so years. I think the only reason I haven't attempted suicide yet is because I know for a fact that it would either cripple me to a point where I'll be unable to attempt again or to where I'm unable to get help in which case I suppose I would still die but it would be out of dehydration or hunger instead. Or else I'd succeed without anyone even knowing I was contemplating it and then they'd find out in maybe a month or two from now if even then because that's how much contact I have with people. Well, I also never want to do that to my brother because I care about him but his mental health can't be the sole reason for my continued existence when it's like this most of the time. I wish I was a robot so I could turn myself off but no one would have to be very sad because it's always possible to turn me back on, at least in theory. I'm so tired and I feel broken and I wish I could've been the boringly average, mostly happy kid instead. As things are, killing myself is the only future I can see unless I get "lucky" and die of something else before I do it myself. I don't think I've told that to anyone before, and I've only told a psychologist about the occasional suicidal thoughts.
Thanks to any who read through all this and I'm sorry it was so whiny. I have no one to talk to as I've found out this last year, and needed to get these things out even if it is to internet strangers. Also, I'm not about to kill myself today but this felt too suicide-related for the depression subreddit.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I asked a question in class today! I'm a sophomore in college and my whole life I have been plagued with the anxiety of talking to professors or having to plan out every word I say when asking a question before I ask.
But today I was in class, raised my hand, and asked a question with no former planning. I hadn't even realized what I'd done until the professor was halfway done answering my question and my face got hot, but yay! Small wins!
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self.Anxiety
|
Welcome to your Wednesday Mid Week Check in for 8.23 How you all doing?
If you posted your goals on Sunday, you can find them [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/6uyg6s/goal_setting_sunday_82017/) somewhere amongst the 40 comments.
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self.bipolar
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this dream I had for many years, I understand it now For years I kept having dreams of being chased by someone or something. It would never get me though, because I would be too fast, but it would keep chasing me. I would fight back and I would always win, but I would end up exhausted when I wake up.
I guess that dream is just a symbolic representation of how I feel about life. Always stressed, always anxious, always like being chased, but nothing bad really happens.
Honestly, I don't know how much worse this can get. Willl this damn body eventually be out of cortisol?
Maybe that's the reason I feel like I want to die all the time. I just want to sleep, to relax, no thoughts, no fears, no worries, no chasing anymore. I don't even know if this is depression or anxiety, or both. Maybe it's not just the desperation, lack of joy and hopelessness, but also the fact that life outright terrifies me that contribute to it.
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self.Anxiety
|
Loneliness will be the death of me I do not have any friends. All my immediate family are Jehovah’s Witness and will shun me when I tell them I do not want to be a JW anymore…I have nothing in this life. I love my girlfriend with all my heart but sometimes I don’t know if she feels the same…Maybe she just has a hard time communicating emotions…Maybe I’m just needy from the lack of human interaction from friends and family. I can’t take it anymore. I go to work, go home, eat and sleep. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. Even back in high school, I could never make friends….Maybe I was just an uninteresting waste of space from birth. I cannot remember the last time I’ve had someone I could be completely open and honest with about my mental health struggles and lack of happiness. It just feels like I’m dragging my lifeless body every year doing the same things waiting for death. I feel like a person who should’ve never existed, a mistake and I honestly don’t think anything will ever change that.
The isolation and loneliness I’ve felt since becoming a teenager is becoming soul crushing and life draining.
The saddest thing is I’m still afraid to even attempt to try and kill myself…Last month, I had convinced myself to try and overdose on pain medication. I bought the pills and everything but in the end, I couldn’t go through with it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't wait to finally move out of my parent's house Disclaimer: I know much of this rant can be attributed towards my faults, but the thing is, if I were to move out, I would be in such a better environment to fix all of my stuff since I would have control of what I eat and how much of it. I know what my weaknesses are on why I can't lose weight, but god damn it's so fucking frustrating when there are so much junk food and candy just lying around the house, my immediate reaction is to throw it away. I know that's a bad thing to do, but my solution is to get rid of my problem areas entirely.
Really, I'm just making this rant because I ate way too much last night and I really do hate myself right now. But god damn, it's just so fucking frustrating living in an obese household that doesn't understand portion control or sacrifices certain objects. I keep telling them that I don't like their portion sizes (we have like, 2-3 pounds of leftover fajita meat, granted, I pretty much cook my own stuff now). And they say "well, it's protein, it's low in calories anyways", which, might technically be true in some cases, just because it's meat doesn't mean the OTHER shit you put in your food doesn't add up in the end. I want to tell them if that was the case, then they wouldn't be morbidly obese now would they, but then that'd lead to an argument which I'd rather just avoid.
Really though, it's not the foodstuff that bothers me, it's the fact they blow me off like they're somehow experts in dietary nutrition even though they themselves are obese, and have failed multiple times at dieting, if only because they don't want to actually put in the effort, they're just like the rest of us: they want instant gratification and results. My mom even tried this pill that Doctor Oz. recommended and what a surprise: she didn't lose weight. She didn't change her diet, stop drinking so much beer, nadda.
They want me to be more talkative about my problems, but when they blow me off like that, they're wondering why I'm so reluctant to talk to them about it in the first place.
I remember a time when I was in college, my dad called me in the middle of class and started yelling at me because I had locked my computer and he needed access to the printer. I told him to just plug the printer inside his laptop instead and he said "He shouldn't have to do that, you have to be hiding something", and then he even yelled at me more for when I wouldn't give him the password to my computer. He eventually decided to hook the printer up to his laptop and apologized to me, but god damn that event has stuck with me ever since.
And sometimes, I feel like my Mom views me more as a trophy to show off rather as a person. Granted, all my achievements I have earned myself through hard work and skill, but hearing praise from her about them just feels so... fake to me. I'm tired of hearing compliments from her. Always micromanaging me in my youth, was a terrible helicopter parent growing up. Hell, she even made my HS journalism teacher cry apparently during freshmen year. And I didn't know about that until AFTER high school. I guess it was her stressful work-life + functioning alcoholism that lead to this, and I'll always know I'll be her baby and what not, but fuck, it just feels really overbearing with her obsessing over me like that.
Luckily, I'll be moving to another state far away in December to pursue a full-time position at a company I've been working from home remotely, I'll then have full control of the portion sizes of my food. Maybe time will heal old wounds, and probably me living on my own for the first time will make me grow up much more quickly and make me respect them more, but right now? I'm just so frustrated from living with them that I need a break, and I want them to stay far away from me as possible.
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self.offmychest
|
How to you explain depression as a mental illness rather than just a certain feeling that has been caused by an event? I feel like it’s sort of missing a certain body part that you need to use all day and everyday. You can’t use it even do it is demanded of you, and you always feel that lack of being able to do things that is normal for other people. Especially if the arm is just paralyzed in a way that looks like you can use it, and to some extent you can - but there are certain limits and it isn’t fully functional, it can only give off the appearance of functionality.
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self.depression
|
Anyone else struggling with concentrating? Have meds helped you with it? I want to ask my doctor about it but I want to know what others have experienced.
|
self.depression
|
No offence But every fucking day I have another thing to be depressed about. Like when will this end
|
self.depression
|
Dealing with endless thoughts? Recently (last couple of months or so) I haven't been able to get much, if any, sleep because my mind starts racing as soon as I lie down. It could be 3am and I'll be so tired it feels like I could fall asleep standing up, but as soon as I get into bed and commit to actually sleeping my mind goes wild. Mostly stuff I'm frustrated about or something I feel is unjust or something silly. Never anything important. It gets to the point where I'll become wide awake again and give up on trying to sleep altogether. I was just wondering if anyone else dealt with looped, almost obsessive thoughts like this and if you do how in the hell did you stop them? I'm so tired all the time I feel like a zombie 😩
|
self.bipolar
|
I just want him in me (NSFW) I can't get over him. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I was released from the psych ward this week and am on a lot of meds. I'm having undesirable side effects. Story in comments I wasn't sure where to post this so I'll try it here. As the title says, I was released from the psych ward after 6 days because of a suicide attempt. They put me on several anti depressants and hypertension meds. I'm a male and they are causing issues... I can start but I am unable to finish. My doctor told me to give it 4 weeks to see if my body gets used to the meds. Has anyone here experienced the same problem and did it eventually go away?
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self.depression
|
I feel like I was born in the wrong world [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Considering depression medication, but scared of it This is cross-posted to /r/getting-over-it. I realized there were more people on this sub and thought I might get more info. Long post, so skip to the last paragraph if you don't want to read it all.
I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for years. It comes and goes, but it's been especially bad the last 3 years. A lot of that comes from many shitty things that have been happening since I was a kid, but things have been looking up since I went back to school in January. Found a much better place to live, finally. Heat! No bugs! Landlord and neighbors aren't creepy! Got a new job to work around the school schedule. The pay isn't as good, but the people are really nice.
But I'm still having trouble and don't know why. I sleep 12+ hours a day. I either binge or barely eat anything. There isn't an in-between. If I don't have class, work, or an appointment I can't cancel, I just spend the day in bed. My home is a wreck. I'll clean really well for a few minutes, and then it's like I can't move anymore. I rarely cook. Showering is too overwhelming some days. It's taken me two hours to put together this post because even this was overwhelming.
I'm very hesistant to take medication. As a teenager I tried taking antidepressants. The medicine just made me numb and sleepy. Stare at the wall for five hours straight numb. No emotional response to anything, including the good, numb. Instead of adjusting the dose or trying something different, my doctor wrote in my medical records that I was much better and more like myself. Because my mother told him that. My words and concerns meant nothing. I tried to adjust to it for over a year before giving up. Now I'm afraid that will happen again. I've changed doctors since then, and she has offered to prescribe something, but I haven't agreed to it yet.
More recently I tried counseling instead. I tried asking for this as a teenager as well, but my doctor referred me to a preacher (doctor failed to mention that part). I sat for an hour having bible verses thrown in my face. The town I live in does have actual therapists, but at one place I worked I got to learn firsthand exactly how much these places laugh in the face of patient privacy. My other option is driving 80+ miles to reach the nearest therapist. I have gone to two therapists before, several sessions each, but it didn't help much.
I've read about so many side effects from antidepressants, and some can be permanent. I really don't want to be taking medicine, but I'm not sure what else to do. I've done things to change my life for the better. Recently I picked up the violin as a hobby. I've always loved music. But even as much as I like it, it's difficult to get out of bed to practice.
Can anyone tell me about your experiences with medication for depression/anxiety? Do the side effects ever go away? How do you know when a side effect is just part of being on that medicine, or when it's a sign that something needs to be adjusted? Does it work on it's own, or would you say seeing a therapist is necessary? How long did it take for you to see an improvement? If there isn't an improvement, at what point do you say this just isn't working?
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.
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self.depression
|
Should i drop out of university? I'm a 23 year old nobody who attends university, but there is something that's really gnawing at me to the point that i can't sleep at night.
You see, i have become aware through higher education how pathetically stupid and incompetent i am compared to my peers. I spend pretty much every waking hour studying with maximum (often drug assisted) effort, but i only pass about half of my exams despite putting my soul into it, and it is obliterating my already low self-esteem.
I wonder if i'm simply not intelligent enough (IQ) for higher studies, but i'm too afraid to take an actual IQ-test because of fear of low results resulting in lower self esteem.
Anyway i'm getting fucking old and i fear that i will never accomplish anything in life and i curse the (implied) god who made a useless disgrace of a mistake like me.
|
self.offmychest
|
Life after death? Not knowing the answer to that question is the only thing holding me back.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
44 [M] Walk around in tears all day This sucks. Just miserable. I’ve had anxiety but now it is just depression mostly. Doesn’t help I’m getting a divorce. I just cry at the smallest emotional thing. Anyone else have this issue?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Will I ever change I can see myself just laying down for decades without changing a little bit.
|
self.depression
|
Anxiety about Loved Ones Dying I often have crying fits thinking about my parents or boyfriend dying. The thoughts are difficult to block out. I'm having one right now. I wake up every day thinking that someone could have gotten in a car crash. Or how my parents have only 40 to 50 more years of real life left. Or how I may only have my boyfriend until 50 because he won't take care of himself, if he doesn't kill himself before even then. I'm excited for my own death but terrified of everyone else's. I wish I could take my own life before I'm forced to experience the pain of their deaths. Sorry for the rant. I have these thoughts from time to time. I'm going to play some more video games to get my mind off of it before going to bed.
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self.depression
|
how slipping in and out of a depressive episode feels yesterday I was thinking of a comparison.
Bipolar depression is like swimming in the ocean , minding your own business. Life is good, the ocean is warm. Life makes sense. Then all of a sudden, the ocean changes and the waves are bigger. You dive under the pounding surf with the motion of a seasoned swimmer, still ahold of your nerves. Your getting tired as this continues. Next thing you know the current is holding you under. You try to make your way to shore, logically swimming parallel to the beach, not fighting the current, as you've learned to do over the years. The ocean brings you back out. You try to wave for help but no-one can understand you. You keep swimming , exhausted. Gasping for air above the water, sand getting in your eyes, a wave takes you under and pounds you against the sea floor scraping your side. Starting to panic, your not sure if your going to make it. You are at the will of the sea. But you float up. You make it up again. Get a big breath of air. You will make it. You swim parallel, Then the ocean lulls. You have forgotten where you begin and the ocean ends. Survival mode. The pounding set pauses. You make it to shore, exhausted, tripping on yourself as you get up. Collapsing on your towel, you are exhausted and weary but made it.
The sun warms up your skin. Slowly. The panic starts to fade. Sunshine warms your soul and you remember how it feels in the light. The belly gets warmer and warmer under your blanket of rays and comfort is found. Its a beautiful day. Blue sky. You are alive and grateful. You feel like yourself again.
|
self.bipolar
|
This is something serious... I need to let it out. When I was around 8ish I went to a private school. This was right after I had to be disciplined and sent there because I was forced to go there. The transportation included buses but I had to ride a van. I met a friend who I don't think he is my friend anymore.
I do not remember how it started, but it continued in the back of the van for the years while the van was operating, then I had to transfer to a new vehicle to ride in. This friend's name is Donovan. I was confused to what he was doing with me, because I was so naive. I don't care right now, because I regret everything I did.
Warning: This gets weird.
He would take pics of my dick with a camera. He would lick my oxter. Really. We would... make out. I am a guy. I was 8. Donovan was in high school. This was back in 2006. I had no fucking idea this was bad until I heard about pedophiles. I was a child. My mom didn't teach me this shit. What the hell?
Years later he would ask me to do it again, but in a more private location. I denied and blocked all communication with him. At least I tried to...
btw, Donovan didn't speak in public at that time and wrote everything on a paper. He told me to keep this secret, and if anyone asks, I would tell them that we would talk about video games. Not this time.
Just recently, some random person on the internet sent me a message request. Her name is Haylee. She asked to let me show my muscles in a pic. There were other private information she asked me about such as masturbation (which I won't speak about). She sent me a nude and kept calling me babe which I thought was highly inappropriate for her age, 14 years old, as I am 19. WTF!
Then she asked me about Donovan. And what happened in the van. That was 11 years ago, going on 12.
I am writing this because I do not want to be trapped in a real life nightmare. I am not a victim. I am strength. What I did was wrong, and I am sorry to most importantly my father who is up in the spirit world. I hope you forgive me, dad. I just want to free that wasteful past out of me. I want to live a healthy future.
End rant.
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self.offmychest
|
Do you ever feel stuck in your life? It sometimes feels strange in my own mind. I try to distract myself with books and movies but right after those end I find myself back in my own empty reality.
Wish I could get away from my thoughts sometimes but I guess living doesn't work that way.
|
self.depression
|
Sometimes I don't realize how bad my anxiety is - my DOC says i can have a theray pet OOPS: title correction: **THERAPY** PET ;)
---
I am beyond thrilled and excited at this idea.
Just talked to my roommate about this and he is totally cool with it. After I get the paperwork from my Doc I can then show it to my apartment manager and they have to waive the pet deposit and monthly fees.
Only problem I have is deciding on what lovely pet to get :D :) :P
I know for sure it'll be a puppy.
|
self.Anxiety
|
How could someone ever love who I am? Eliminate all variables such as expectations, social standing, career prospects, how others perceive me, and I feel good about who I am.
Now add those variable back into the equation I feel inadequate, unattractive and worthless. How could another human ever love me? The answer is easy they couldn't.
|
self.depression
|
Hi, how are you? I'm so annoyed by this custom in many countries. No one gives an honest answer. It's just some sort of pc script we're supposed to follow. For example...
Employee: Hi how are you today?
Customer: Fine/good, you?
Employee: Can't complain (or whatever generic 'I'm alright' response is)
It just gets old. Even if someone does care if you're not ok there usually isn't time in the brief interaction to do anything about it. And few have the courage to admit when something is wrong anyway. And the sales employee in my example? He/she CAN complain damn it, because it's 9pm on a Saturday and you're ringing me up my favorite beer and you don't get off until midnight. Yeah that sucks but you're probably not going to admit it.
I'm just sick of the bs. There are ways to banter without lying. And trying to be honest just throws everyone off script making it awkward for all involved.
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self.offmychest
|
Started Prozac today Also quit smoking, and all my other unhealthy drug habits which I am already guilty about.
But with this medication I hope I dont have be high to be comfortable and escape, I want to be sober for the rest of my life. Just never had the power too.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I work in politics and the shitty men make me want to drink myself to death [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like those who can't emotionally support themselves are annoying This is 100% completely my opinion, and I wholeheartedly understand if some completely oppose where I am coming from, but we are all entitled to our own opinions.
I am a minority who grew up in USA, and honestly I am very happy that I was fortunate enough to grow up in a place where everyone is accepted and if someone made fun of you for who you were - there was always someone to stand up for you.
I had a kind childhood, I was a happy kid.
But I can't do this anymore! I am a college freshman now!
YES. I am a female. BUT that does NOT mean I need 10 support groups for being a WOMAN in college. It does not mean recruit me to be in specific sororities dedicated to supporting women who *do* *actually* need the support, please stop! I don't need freakin' STEM people trying to get me to get into topics I genuinely DO NOT LIKE just because I am a female and they need more females! I DON'T NEED SUPPORT JUST BECAUSE I AM A FEMALE IN COLLEGE. OMG.
And just because I am a minority DOESN'T MEAN I NEED SUPPORT. OKAY, SO WHAT IF THE CAMPUS POPULATION DOESN'T REPRESENT ME? That doesn't mean I'm any less capable than they are. I don't need my mailbox and email to be spammed with invitations to join support groups just because I am a minority on campus, I get that you are trying to be welcoming and providing a safe space but I'm not someone who needs *alllllll* this support. I don't need a special safe spot just because my pigment is darker? I know I can do things, I'm confident in my abilities, why do you automatically assume I need so much support?
FIRST. GENERATION. STUDENT. Yeah bro, I get it. You want to support students first of their name to attend college, but pleeeease stop hounding me down if I reject your services.
ONLINE INTRO WELCOME COURSE. 15 weeks of weekly online assignments of how we must go in depth about our *feelings* and how transitioning into college is *so* hard. Look here man, I feel like these assignments are for higher income students who always relied on their parents for *everything* and never did their own laundry. I've been through things harder than college, this is where my opinion develops because if your emotions are just that frail and you can't handle them just because of *college*.... I don't know what to tell you.
I need people to stop asking me if I'm OK just because of my pigment, my status that I was born into, my everything!!!! I'm not a weak person?! I don't need all this support!! Jesus!!!!
THERE ARE MUCH HARDER THINGS OUT THERE, COLLEGE IS ON THE BOTTOM. STOP ACTING LIKE COLLEGE WILL BE THE PEAK OF YOUR LIFE AND THE MOST TRAUMATIC THING YOU WILL GO THROUGH. BECAUSE IT'S NOT.
Like I feel like all these groups target me because of the physical traits I have like god just stop. You're basically making it seem like people like me aren't capable and need more help than normal, like dude you're not helping the vision of proving that minorities are just as capable as the majority.
Stop trying to baby me with these stupid weekly emotional assignments like "have you learn to do your laundry yet" or "is your mom sending you allowance" or "how are you adjusting to different cultures" like do you think I am a moron? dude I have been doing my own laundry by hand since I was aware enough to not drink the detergent, I been working since 14 and never asked my parents for money, and fym adjusting to cultures???? It's not hard? People are different?
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self.offmychest
|
Why is so much so wrong with me? I feel like I have no talent and I have no motivation to invest time into learning skills. I'm so incredibly drained no matter how little I do. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I have no self-worth and nobody values me. I don't like my mother and I couldn't care less how anyone would feel if I died. I don't have any friends who I see regularly. I have a job but it's so dull and dragging. Sometimes, I wish I was a girl because I feel at least then people would pretend to care about me. I feel really jealous towards girls because I think that if I was pretty people would know I exist. This whole paragraph is a mess, I'm sorry for wasting your time but those are snippets of what I feel are wrong with me.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anybody else here who's a shame of the family? It hurts a lot to hear something like that from family members. In a heat of a fight my mom told me I am the shame of this family. I knew my both sides of family don't really care about me but hearing this out loud just made me feel absolutely crushed. Later you meet them and you know how they really feel about you and you know how they talk about you behind your back. What a failure you are. I'm not sure what I did wrong, I am just not something my family expected. My cousins are graduating universities, having good jobs and I'm just here lying in my bed depressed. I am not a person who cares too much what others think, but I just don't want to feel guilty for something that I didn't choose.
|
self.depression
|
It wouldn't matter if I exist or not :( No respect or loves me. I'm a ghost in the shadows. If I say or do something meaningful. It means nothing. But, If someone else say or do the exact thing. It means a lot more. My family and friends have little or no interest what I say. I never felt so sad and lonely. Even if I tell them facts, my voice isn't heard. Do I even exist? Does it matter if live or die? I tried to talk to them. But, They seem to disagree. They say they cares about me. But, I think they're lying to make me feel better. It's hard to live when no wants me too. My family says only I feel this. They say I'm wrong. They stomp on everything I care about. I don't know what to do. What should I do? What can good-for-nothing man such as myself do when the most important people in his life doesn't care about him.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
On the borderline Shame. Guilt. Humiliation. Despair. Fury. Exhaustion.
The feeling of being raw, split open, skin peeled back. Everything hurts. Everything. Criticism, abandonment, rejection, emptiness. That emptiness. A black hole of a soul. Nothing fills the void. Not sex. Not drugs. Life experienced with a layer of numbness. Love with the fear of being left behind.
The villain or the victim. Black or white. Heroes or monsters. Idolization or demonization. Love me so I know the feeling of being loved. I hate you but please please please don't ever leave me. But I don't hate you, not really. I hate you first so that it hurts less when you finally leave. Love is a weakness. Everyone leaves eventually.
And I don't hate anyone as much as I hate myself. For this brokenness I never asked for. For this inability to be normal, rational, functional. All of my energy saved up in bursts. Days upon days of static in my head, the dull ache of my existence. Going through the motions. Craving sleep, the only escape. Craving touch. Soaking up love affection feeding on emotion, give me more more more but I can never give you what you need. A walking emotional vampire.
And then suddenly, awakening. Respite. One day, maybe two, of the clouds clearing just enough to be grateful that I've survived. Grateful for precious moments where the ache is gone and I can just be.
Medicine and medicine and medicine and hospitals and the police and ambulances and emergency and the looks on their faces because they thought I was better this time and here we are again. Heartbreak that I can't be who you want that I can't be better be this.
23 years of pain. And more and more casualties. My daughter, my beautiful daughter. Will she inherit this? Will she always be so alive and so amazed at the world or will it claim her too?
What did I do to deserve this? What did the world do to deserve me? Desperate for healing. I want to be better than this for them, for her. How do I clear the rubble? Is there more for me than this?
Please let there be a purpose for this pain. Will someday, someday, one day this pain be useful to me?
|
self.offmychest
|
“Remove negative people from your life.” I always see this little tidbit in articles about how to overcome depression. Bitch, I’M the most negative person in my life. They’re not the problem, I am. I wouldn’t want to be friends with/date a cold stone like me either. So should I just remove myself from my life then??
|
self.depression
|
My anxiety comes in waves every few years Most years I feel pretty good, and people usually describe me as an upbeat, happy person. I would consider myself both outgoing and an extrovert. What most people do not know is every few years I get crippling anxiety. It cropped up when I was 10-13 (to the point where I was medicated but decided at 14 or 15 to go off the meds), 20, 23, and again at 27. None of these years really have a common theme to them, and there have been other ages where I have gone through far greater hardships, so I cannot determine the root of the problem. Does anyone else have cyclical anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Intentionally starving I hurt a friend's feelings Sunday night by leaving a party without a word, so I intentionally starved myself yesterday and intended to cut as deep as I could last night. My roommate (who I just moved in with and doesn't know I starve or cut) made me eat, and noticed the scars on my wrist. We talked until late and I went to bed without cutting.
Now I'm even more mad at myself that I ate, and am starving myself again. What really worries me is that I don't feel depressed right now, but I also don't care if I live or die. I feel detached.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Is anyone else on klonopin? I see like, no mention of klonopin on this sub. I actually find that in addition to my Latuda it helps maintain my mood really well, keeps my anxiety at bay and keeps me from feeling hypomanic. The latuda can make me feel really hypo and taking a milligram of klonopin at night keeps me really good for the rest of the next day; I might pop a half if I feel like I need to in the middle of the day. It really helps me and I haven't felt any symptoms of mania at all since I started taking it once a day.
Is anyone else on this and does it help you?
|
self.bipolar
|
What's your bullshitter like at work? Mine asks something then no matter the answer goes to superiors and says the answer he was just told and acts like he knew all along but "he just making sure". Also for the self confessed "best" worker (apparently he's better than the people with 20 years experience-he's not) he ask a shit loads of basic questions and I think they praise him for asking questions, which IS obviously a good thing but the reason I don't ask questions is because I already know what I'm doing .but because I only say a few words a day at work I get looked over.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Is this mania/hypomania? I've never been so sure on the difference on what is mania vs what is cause and effect reaction. Thanks for taking the time if you can.
An hour ago I called my Mom on lunch to wish her a happy birthday. She just had some tough surgery last week, some balls are in the air. However, this conversation is typical to hear from her. Backstory beyond that, she's had Lyme for over 30 years which avidly tries to destroy what it can. I ask and she goes straight to how she's not feeling good, the doctors don't call back, some doctors won't see her, she won't see some doctors, medicine a is causing problems with symptom 18 which she's taking medicine z for which is also a problem because x, they want to do mri's but she had a metal stim pack in her back, now she can't eat another type of food, the water in the house is messed up, something about well water supply, the showers broken, all the dishes don't get clean and the laundry is getting ruined, in to this and that about what can be done with that and the electric in the house and everything is bad to my father wants to travel but she can't then into money then we finally sit there in silence for a few seconds. At non stop pace the call was 22 minutes.
I immediately felt the blanket of regret and disappointment surrounding me because I will not be seeing her tonight but Thursday as we had previously arranged (15 minutes away though). I go into being unable to find solutions for these problems but we head won't stop, it's like I need to of even for my own sake to be at peace or relax. The feeling, all too familiar, is like I'm the water spinning and draining slowly in a bath tub.
The adrenaline kicks in, I'm fully awake and alert now, I can taste it in my mouth. My body shakes slightly, my ears get warm and red. I'm pulled into this feeling, and I can't get out of it until I furniture a solution. Can't just put it out of my mind because it's my mom, negligence is not acceptable... I have to take down these curtains of anxiety and paranoia down and roll them into a solution ball.
And that's the story right now. Sorry that was a book. It's been about an hour now since I got off the phone. I know we'll all get through this because we always have, I'm really trying to tell if this feeling or mindset is mania and not just regular reaction to my Mom being in bad shape on her birthday. I wonder the same thing for when I get happy or excited.. I don't know the difference.
Thank you for reading and for providing any insight.
Oh, I was only diagnosed with BPD, no type, but everything I've seen makes me a big type 2.
|
self.bipolar
|
So depressed that I’ve lost my sex drive.. Older guy here..
Just came to the realization that my sex drive is dead because I’m deeply depressed. Wife is unhappy and taking it personally. I feel guilty that I’m doing this to her. She deserves better.
In addition my job works me to the bone so I’m home at late hours every day. And it doesn’t pay well enough or give me enough time to go see somebody to address my disorder.
I feel so trapped and don’t know how I can fix this. Anyone out there know what to do if they were in my situation?? I have to get better or else I’ll lose everything I have..
|
self.depression
|
Thoughts and images of my sexual abuse keep coming up.. and I think it played a huge roll on how I turned out. [NSFW] Hello.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I'll try to keep this short and simple.
I was abandoned by my mother at the age of 18. She threw me to my dad who was busy with a new family, moved to Canada, and cut all contact. It's been years since we've last spoke.
Sadness eventually turned into bitterness, which makes me think I have a biased hatred towards my mother. She's done so many shitty things, it's hard not to paint her a villain already.
I'm 26 now.
Not sure how old I was, but I remember laying in my mom's bed one morning. She ALWAYS had a hard time waking up to drop me off to school. Even when I was in there trying to wake her up, she seemed too out of it to get up immediately.
This was one of those mornings.
The thought that she could have been under the influence never crossed my mind, until I got older and had a broader perspective.
I remember that morning extremely vividly, but at the same time it all seemed like a massive blur. Almost dream like.
After many attempts of waking her up, with her eyes still shut she told me to suck on her nipple.
I remember very specifically asking **"Are you sure? Don't babies only do that? Aren't I too old?"**
She insisted I do it anyways, and that it's OK.
Bottom line, I did it.
It's crazy because I NEVER looked back at this moment growing up, it wasn't until recently that the memories keep coming back. And oh boy did it send me on an emotional roller coaster.
I haven't told anyone, except for my girlfriend. Reason for this is because, the memories of the actual event seems so blurry and crazy; that I wasn't even sure it happened myself.
At the same time, I also thought my own hateful mind could be playing tricks on me - trying to frame her into being even more like the devil.
This would be easy to accept, if my memories of it weren't so specific and distinct.
There are many **ODD** things about myself, I was never able to explain or distinguish. But I feel a lot of these things naturally came from the abuse.
1. I'm not trans, but I love to cross dress and often sexually fetishize about being a woman myself. (I'm very masculine as a person, you can imagine how this can cause a lot of incongruencies).
2. I'm bisexual, but the type of men i'm into aren't your typical "CHADS" as some people might call it. I'm just straight up into "old enough to be your Dad" guys. I often fantasize about having a sugar daddy, not for the money - but because the idea of being young and sexualized is such a turn on.
3. I have an undeniable urge to be used. Male, female, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly - doesn't matter. I've participated in group orgies and have gone to gay bath houses just to get my fix. Luckily, I've never gotten an STD and I've stopped before it was too late. These urges still exist though.
The list goes on, but these are just a couple of examples where I think "how can I be this fucked up in the head?"
All that being said.. I'm confident, not ashamed of myself nor my sexuality, and most importantly: happy.
I've always hated my mom for abandoning me. I just don't know how to feel, now that these memories keep haunting me.
I've been rationalizing that her leaving was my fault, but now it just seems so much easier to say: she's a shit person.
Thank you for reading and listening.
Really needed to share with somebody.
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self.offmychest
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New Art Subreddit Hi everyone! This morning I created the sub reddit r/Manicart. For all you artists, writers, poets, photographers,song writers to post to... if you want to. I love seeing everyone's creativity, and I think a one stop subreddit would be sick.
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self.Anxiety
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How can I share my sadness to the people around me? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Today is the worst Today is the worst. My car broke down. My mom won't watch my dog anymore. I'm homeless. I hate myself. I've got a cold. I'm going to be alone forever.
Tomorrow is the worst, because the only change in my life is the growing debt I continue to ignore.
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self.depression
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How do I get space from anxiety triggers when I live with them? Throwaway account. NOTE: If you are going to tell me to go to r/raisedbynarcissists, I have been there before and finding support there caused a year-long rift between me and my family. I can't afford that since I live with them currently....
EDIT: I am nearly 30 and have a Masters degree in my field, no job since last company went under.
I've lived with my family most of my life, and my anxiety has only let up (a little) when I lived away from them. Typical stuff - Dad makes all the money, Mom rules the house. I had a break by living by myself but my job fell through after about four years, so now I'm back living with family again.
Any advice on current problems below?
- my room is also the guest room, so whenever other family visits I am displaced. My room is my sanctuary so I get ultra nervous when it's taken away from me and I have to live in the open living room, also I get very anxious about family visiting (they don't have anything in common with me and most don't believe in anxiety... and/or believe in really crazy stuff)
- I often have to look after family pets when other people in the house choose to go out. I'm really anxious about anything happening to the pets because I care about animals, but I also would never choose to have pets. Way back when my Mom decided to get pets, I opposed her but was told 'you will love them and I won't ever make you take care of them, they're for me' but of course I have to look after them often. They are elderly and I constantly worrying about them dying while I'm alone with them, and not being able to help or ease their pain
- any plans involving extended family, including family road trips and especially holiday 'vacations' are planned without me knowing and Mom tells people I will be there without asking me first. She then blames me for not wanting to go/not being excited "what will I tell them? That you're so rude and don't care about your own family??"
- in the past and now, whenever I bring up anythign that's bothering me, if it has to do at all with Mom, she either immediately dismisses ('I didn't do that/say that'), gets defensive ('are you saying I'm trying to hurt you? Why would I do that?'), or tells an anecdote ('well when I was bla bla bla, you just had to live with it.') and gives unwanted extraneous advice rather than discussing my concern.
- In the past when I've pushed harder, to the point of actively standing my ground and saying NO, Mom has gotten extremely emotional, angry, crying, says she feels attacked, and doesn't listen to any facts about the situation
- since moving back in I've been ill for an extended period of time and don't remember the last time I slept well or ate well for more than a day in a row. I can't remember the last time I woke up and didn't want to sink into oblivion rather than face the day wondering what might happen
TL;DR: basically everything in the family house is decided by Mom and I'm along for the ride. She has a LOT of weird beliefs that I don't share, and hers are fact while my opinions 'just aren't true'. How do I get some space away from this constant anxiety when I feel too sick/nervous to get a job and move out, but also can't control my space? I am eating better, starting to exercise daily, and I start my therapy (which Mom isn't too thrilled about) in about two weeks.
Any advice on 'working around' this situation would be seriously appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
|
It's finally hitting me. My grandmother died two and a half weeks ago. I understand that old people die, and it's the cycle of life. But my grandmother was like a second mom to me. My dad wasn't around so my mom and grandma took care of me/ helped raise me.
My grandmother was in bad shape the last couple of months and my mom called me on a Thursday to say they were taking Abuela into home hospice. But I was in denial because 1) my mom told me she was in hospice care 6 months before that and 2) I had seen her a week before and she was fine. I told her to behave and she essentially told me to fuck off.
I went back home that day and didn't go see her in the hospital because she was supposed to come home the next morning but she died that night.
I don't feel guilty. I'm almost glad. I'll always remember her as the strong willed woman she always was when I was growing up. But after she died, seeing my mom fall apart was more heart breaking than I could ever imagine. I took off work for the next week and helped my mom with everything that needed to be done. I made about 38203839033 cups of coffee that week for every extended family that came by to pay their respects.
But for some reason tonight I just remember my abuela so vividly. I think it's the holidays coming up. She came here as an immigrant not knowing the language, all by herself, younger than I am now, with a 5 year old (my mother), and managed to build a life, save money, buy a house, raise two kids and grandkids, and I can't stop thinking about how brave she was. That's just the impact she had on ME, not including How she helped so many people. How her moment in time meant so much to so many people. And I don't mean that lightly. My Abuela helped anyone who came from her country because she never forgot about where she came from and how hard it was.
I think it's finally hitting me because I've been away from home long enough to work through how all this is impacting me but I honestly can't breathe thinking about what an amazing woman she was. I feel like I'll never be able to live up to her standards. Never be able to be even half the woman she was.
My brother died on Father's Day so summer is usually a rough time for me. Now moving so close to the holidays it makes me wonder if I'll be able to enjoy another time of year where I'm not reminded of the people that aren't there to enjoy these pieces of life with me.
Sorry for the long post. I don't have many friends these days and I felt like I needed to write it all out.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm not diagnosed but i have symptoms and i cant fucking handle it anymore I know this is long, but please someone read. I need any advice I can get . I am currently medicated but I've been put on anti-depressants once again, which isn't my case. I'm prescribed with Lexapro (10ml), Valium (5ml), Phenergan (25ml), Melatonin (4ml) and not sure if it matters but I'm also on Yasmin (birth control). I have been on other medication before and everytime I start an anti-depressant it sends me into mania or depression. I dont need anti-depressants because its not my problem, my moods are extreme and rapid cycling.
Right now, I'm extremely depressed. I cant get out of bed, every single task is extremely difficult and I feel like everything is too hard, I cant deal with anything and everything is pushing me over the edge. My anger is ruining every aspect of my life, I keep verbally abusing my friends and I'm starting to get bad with my boyfriend. Even though he understands and tries not to get hurt by it, I cant handle the guilt anymore. Its the smallest things that send me into a pit of rage and I'm just blinded by anger. I'm going between thinking hes doing horrible things to me and when I come back to my senses I feel horrible for saying that he doesnt care for me at all. My thoughts are distorted, its always fucking changing my opinion about my boyfriend, what has happened and what hasnt, whos good whos bad and more I cant handle the rapid cycling anymore. I'm preparing myself for the hypo-mania to come, as I wont get any sleep more than I already do due to insomnia. The hypo-mania is amazing for the first bit, I'm creative, my self-esteem boosts higher than ever, my sexual desires increase and I feel sexy. I feel like I can do anything and no one can stop me, its pure bliss; ecstasy. But eventually, the lack of sleep kicks in and I'm just mentally and physically exhausted from doing so much and not stopping because of the push in my chest to keep going. Visions of how I'm going to fix this horrible world. I go from being introverted to being happy, non stop talking and my brain going a million miles an hour. And then its the psychosis, which is just fucked up. I will have extreme paranoia and delusions, I will think that I have a microchip in my brain and at the back of my neck and that it controls my sexuality, personality and it lets people read my mind and I can read theirs. I'll hear people talking about me on the radio and they can see my thoughts at the top of my head. I'm certain that everyone is out to get me, I have many different voices, few being Satan, who I will believe manifests inside me, he has a dark voice and tells me that I'm going to die and spend the rest of my days in hospital and therapy (I have been hospitalized 4 times and been to many psychologists, counselors, psychiatrists and therpists).Then theres 76 who tells me to kill and torture, then Thomas who tells me whos out to get me and who to stay away from then rose who tells me to do things to myself. The paranoia prevents me from doing anything, I've had job offers I've had to decline because I thought it was a set up. Then the depression comes back and you just fucking sink. I'll cry at the tiniest things, I want to be left alone, I get angry and suicidal. I have a bad past with self harm and suicide attempts. I'm easily frustrated and overwhelmed. If something doesnt go to plan I completely lose my shit and stress out. I cant go near food I find gross, I get extremely anxious and stressed when I get dirty and I practically burn myself in the shower to scrub it off. I obsess over things and it's horrible. I cant stand my anxiety. I cant stand this anymore, its too much and I feel like I'm never going to be able to do life if I cant cope with even myself. Whats the point in even living if I cant do life? Its too much. I'm at my widths end with myself. My mother things I have Borderline Personality Disorder, whereas my boyfriend suspects Schizophrenia or Bipolar. If you've read this long, thank you, any advice would be appreciated. I'm sorry for literally no paragraphs at all, my mind is rushing and itss all just rushing out. Sorry for any spelling errors . Please help.
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self.bipolar
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No reason to live. People just don't care about me anymore. I literally spend every day in bed because I can't fucking stand seeing people I know. I graduated from high school and it still stands in my head that I was laughed at for no reason by powerful people and told that I would be better off dead. I was told nobody in my life cared for me except myself. I attempted to commit suicide three different times in the last two years alone. I would ask for PMs, but I know people only last two days usually, Ive been banned from an online counseling site because I "offended a listener" for telling the truth. There is no reason for me to be alive, everyone just wants me dead. Nobody gives one shit or another if I'm alive. People just tell me I should be dead, laugh, and expect me to get it. Common theme is that I'm suicidal right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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H3H3 podcast with Jordan Peterson talk about anxiety He talks about a theory for a cause for anxiety being that we don't have a goal for what we want to achieve so we're always anxious feeling like we never get anything accomplished, etc. They talk much more about it but it helped me.
[https://youtu.be/vx4ltQhdlhg](https://youtu.be/vx4ltQhdlhg)
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self.Anxiety
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I don't care about net neutrality I really don't care if net neutrality goes away. If that statement gets you worked up, mad or frustrated, well that's how I feel when I hear people say they don't follow politics or don't vote because it doesn't matter.
We are in this mess because people don't vote, and when they do they pick candidates based on stupid things like, are they likeable, can I relate to them, do i think they care about people like me. Those things dont matter, what matters is what policies they would enact. One party is for getting rid of net neutrality, one is not. If you voted for one party and are surprised at the policies they pushed then you have no one to blame.
I really don't care if net neutrality goes away, I can afford to pay for whatever bundle they come up with. On top of that, of all the truly bad things happening, this is what you care about? fucking net neutrality? You're fine with minorities getting abused, oil pipelines breaking down, POTUS using photo-ops during major disasters to sell hats, gutting healthcare for taxes to people who don't need them, more taxes on low income families so the estate tax can be repealed. You're fine with all that, but don't you dare make me pay market price for the internet.
I hope it gets repealed, it just means faster internet for me at twice the price.
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self.offmychest
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DAE start to worry that you're ill (with anything) and get legitimate symptoms as if you actually are? I'm a hypochondriac/germaphobe/emetophobe and all of my anxiety surrounds getting sick, mainly with minor viral illnesses like colds, flus, and *stomach bugs*. Sometimes I'll have days where I'm convinced I'm going to get a cold, and I'll actually get symptoms. Like right now, I'm scared that I'm going to get a cold because I've been out and about so much with so many different people this weekend, *and now I feel really crappy, tired, my body aches a bit, and my throat feels odd, bit of nasal drip- I even feel like I have a fever but I don't have a thermometer with me*. This is worst when I'm busy or have a lot of obligations that I don't want to miss- I don't handle being sick (even with colds) very well (normally can't continue with my normal daily routine, miss class, work, socializing, etc). I start to think about the last time I was sick and get convinced that I felt the same way then as I do now, meaning I'd actually be sick, but I think it's my mind playing tricks on me. The more I think "oh gosh, I may be sick / I don't feel well / etc" the worse I feel, and I get a sinking feeling in my body.
I can never tell if I'm actually sick or not, but 99.999% of the time I'm not- the last real sickness (cold) I had was over a year ago at the beginning of last October even though I've thought I was getting sick dozens of times between now and then. This can really be a day ruiner, I genuinely feel ill even though I may not be.
Does anyone else do this? Has anyone found something that works to stop it?
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self.Anxiety
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Do you ever feel suicidal when you hear about a success story or when you see someone close to you achieve something? It happens when they meet a similar goal that I want. The r/GetMotivated thread also triggers these emotions.
Also, I could be completely normal and someone would bring up a hypothetical positive outcome in conversation, “Hey man, you never know, but [blank] can happen!” And then I just feel anxious and I want to end it.
I’m trying to recover, but those are serious triggers. I try to stay away from “feel good” content and just be “realistic” if you call it that.
What are some methods to combat this (besides therapy and meds which I can’t afford or exercise which I do already)?
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self.SuicideWatch
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[Advice] Anxious International Travelers I've was diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder seven years ago. I spent many of those seven years finding the rights meds and in therapy. I manage pretty well now, but there are still certain triggers that really get my anxiety going. Traveling is one them. My wife wants to plan a trip to Japan and I want to go, I really really do, but I can already feel the anxiety growing. I'm not well traveled and I have never been anywhere super foreign before. I keep having a super irrational thoughts. I hate standing out, I hate being someplace where language might be an issue, and I fear getting lost in a foreign place. I keep telling myself nothing like that will happen especially since we be in large tourist areas like Tokyo and Kyoto, it's not like I'm hanging out in rural spots where only locals go.
I'm on daily anxiety meds and the doctor gave me some Benzos to use for emergencies, but I don't want to spend my trip hopped up on drugs. I haven't been to therapy in a while and I think I'm going to make an appointment, but I just wanted to see if anyone has any techniques or tools or getting over the anxiety of international travel. Anything helps!
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self.Anxiety
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I want to die Hi, right now I'm all alone at home. And all I can think of is that I just want to die. I was going to write this long post, telling my story and why I feel this way, but it's mostly pointless.
I've lost everything. I don't feel loved anymore. I've lost the will to live and try. My heart is broken. After three years of being with someone, you find that you're so easy to replace. And that they hate you. Think you're worthless. A bum. And I tried so hard to make things work. Despite my depression.
She knew I was depressed. She was my best friend. My lover. And she left me because I'm worthless.
My parents hate me, especially my father. I quit my fancy pants corporate job, with the high salary and great benefits to find my passion, because I don't know what I'm passionate about, but no one cares.
Everyone thinks I'm a failure now. My dad even called me a loser when he walked in on me playing Destiny 2. This guy toasted me when I got my job, bragged about it to everyone. Now, he despises me because I quit and moved back into his home, "just to play video games all day."
If I opened up about this to my family, they would just get mad at me. Judge me. Tell me I should man the fuck up and try harder. Get a good job and build a career. Be useful. But really, what's the point?
I just feel so hurt right now. So alone. So unloved. I used to be at the top of the world. People loved me then. Now, everyone thinks I'm worthless. And I'm starting to think that I am.
"Hey OP, don't seek validation from others." I know. But I just feel so raw now.
I'd grab a gun and just shoot myself right now if I could, but I'm just too chickenshit to do even that.
I have work tomorrow. At a job I don't want. That I only took to make my mother worry less about the downward spiral her boy seems to have taken.
Fuck. I did everything I did to make everyone else happy, and now that I'm trying to find my happiness, people tell me to fucking just get a job. No one seems to care about my happiness and my joy.
No one loves me, and I'm alone. Useless and unloved. A loser. A burden. An embarrassment. A failure.
Maybe I'll have the courage to just give up. It's hopeless.
Why'd I post this? I guess I'm looking for one final connection. One moment of compassion, or empathy.
I'm so sad and alone. I want to die.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know what to do anymore. Feel completely alone I've managed to ruin my first year of A Levels for myself. Kind of. My teachers are all said similar things at parents evening "shes good, she just needs to believe in herself" well heres the thing. I don't. Never have really and even though I didnt hit all my targets at GCSE I did reasonably ok without thinking I could do it. The problem is now I can't seem to do anything in class. Not taking notes and stuff thats all fine, but essays. I cant write them and I used to be great at that. 3/4 subjects are essay based and I am failing them (E in English and D/Cs in history). Torn between continuing and leaving to do something else. I hate it at the moment and don't want to go to college anymore, content is fine, essays are the problem. I hate how anxious they make me and I hate how disappointed my teachers seem all the time. I dont know what to do anymore. I hate how I feel sick before during and after I have to write one. I hate how my parents dont think Im working enough. I hate how I feel at the moment and how nobody really can understand that the problem is me. I'm the problem. My original goal didnt pan out which was crushing between results and the start of college I had about a week to rethink everything, repick my A Levels and get ready for college, I was put on 5 to start and then dropped one in the first month. I'm meant to be good at what I do, thats why I was advised to take them. I'm not. I'm usually good at telling myself to keep going, but its got to a point where I dont have the energy to try anymore. Theres nobody I can talk to. My friends are all doing so well getting As and Bs. I dont know what to do. I seem to be letting everyone down at the moment. I cant do well at college and have managed to let down other people in my outside of college commitments. Nothing feels worth it anymore, I cant leave because I dont know what else I would do instead.
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self.offmychest
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Seasonally Affected So I know that as soon as the light changes, the "ok" gives way to what ends up as deep depression that doesn't lighten up until the light changes again. I'm noticing that my depression is starting with amotivation, difficulty organizing and keeping things together, not having my head in the game, feeling the need to go to bed directly after work (so around 7ish). Most recently I've been finding that little things people (friends, family, or not) say and do piss me off to no end. Like a friend Who Emails and posts on Facebook about Awesome Mom and Going to My Caribou to Eat Fruit (caps that don't need to be capped), a friend who posted her child's Amazon wishlist on Facebook and hinted that it'd be nice if we bought things, and my boss making little pointed comments during my supervision that seem to be jabs at my best work friend who co-runs the school counseling program with me - like insinuating he doesn't do his job and attempting to elicit a certain response.
TLDR; Noticing little things are getting my irritation going, which along with the "usual suspects" depressive symptoms with the change in light. How do y'all know when your mood is shifting? Like what are the little hints or clues you see in yourself?
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self.bipolar
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I am scared to start medication I'm thinking about going back on medication to help me get through the semester. I have seasonal depression and GAD and uses to take lexapro but I don't really like being dependent on medication. Does it make me weak that I can't deal with my anxiety naturally?
It's so silly that I'm having anxiety about anxiety medication but I come from a family that doesn't really believe in medicines unless it's life or death. I don't want to be dependent. I like feeling and living naturally but I also want medication to help me.
I'm scared of side-effects and withdrawal symptoms. I'm scared of not feeling my feelings genuinely and honestly. I'm scared of using medications to cope with the world. I'm also scared to have to go through this semester with depression and anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
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idk what else to do like i dont want to kill myself because my girlfriend broke up with me, but rather because she was the only thing stopping me from doing it , so im like, well might as well now. also im really tired of "dont do it because it will affect your friends and family" i know it will, but i really dont care anymore, i cant deal with the suffering of life any more, so let them deal with the suffering of my death
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self.SuicideWatch
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I miss you... I tried hard, tried to be "happy" and "okay", but to be honest, I do miss you. We don't talk anymore, but every day when I pose silly pics on snapchat or instagram, you still click on them and click like, I guess that's the little happiness of me, knowing that you're somehow still in my life. I really don't understand why we had to break up, we seriously were so happy together, our bond was so strong that right now I feel like I can't build such a close connection like that with someone else.
My friends told me that you talked to another girl, maybe you have moved on, i don't know, but why am I still thinking that you just did that out of loneliness? Why am I still feeling that you still love me, like I do? Why saying hi to you becomes so hard now? I just want to be with you, to be there for you through your darkest days, you know how much I love you. And I know that you loved me so much too, I just don't know what happened that made you want us to end. You look happy without me, but are you really happy, or are you just pretending like I do? I do wish that you are, just please, not officially with someone else yet, it's too soon for me to handle it. I have been in this country for 2 years, and we were together for 1.5 years, so you know, days without you are really hard...I miss you so much my novio...
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self.offmychest
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UK car insurance provider suggestions? Hi /r/bipolar
I (not bipolar) and my fiancee (type 2) are looking to get insurance here in the UK for a car. We're aiming to buy a 2012 Skoda yeti (somewhere between £5.5-7k budget). I've had my licence for 20 years, my fiancee for 8 years. We're 39 and 27 respectively but because we live in zone 2 in London, we don't have a car so have no no claims bonus.
Problem is, she has a one year restricted driving licence because the DVLA are utter wankers. The cheapest quote we've found on moneysupermarket.com is £2.5k (!). Does anyone know any specialist insurance providers? bipolar.org.uk and mind.org.uk were of no help.
Thanks in advance.
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else lose sleep because of the thought that in no time you’ll be old and your body will fail you? [deleted]
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self.depression
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.. Joined the mil..thought it would be good, have a family, and nearly everyday I want to take this benchmade knife out of my pocket and cut the wrists, I don’t really know what to do because it’ll fuck over my kid.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Coming to terms that I am a piece of shit [deleted]
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self.depression
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It’s inevitable I’m going to kill myself. Not today or tomorrow, but eventually. One day I’ll decide I’ve had enough, put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. I’ve gone through depression, thought I beat it, but it comes back. I hate myself, even though sometimes I retain some sense of pride for whatever unimportant thing I did, I still don’t love myself. One day, I’ll finally end it. But for now I endure.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My ex only talks to me when he’s horny [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Afraid of never finding love and building a family My life is not coming together.
All I ever wanted was to have a loving relationship/marriage, and to have children. I have a very strong nurturing side. I'm an honest and loyal woman. Family is everything to me.
But at 29 years of age, I do not see myself obtaining these goals. I don't even have friends. I have many nice acquaintances but no one to really spend time with.
As far as career, education, and living situations... everything I set my mind to (thankfully) comes relatively easily. However, I am not fulfilled. My main goals have always been to be a loving, doting, wife and mother. That will always come first.
Dating has been horrible. I'm discovering how often many (not all) men lie, cheat, and abuse their girlfriends. Just look at recent headlines in the news. I've been in abusive relationships and the scars are there, but I've tried my best to keep optimistic and sunny as to not hinder finding better relationships in the future.
My problem is that I'm growing tired. Tired of feeling unwanted and tired of chasing dreams that I find increasingly hard to obtain.
I often think it would be easier to kill myself rather than going through life feeling miserably lonely and unloved.
The clock is ticking towards my 30th birthday. I don't want to continue living through this pain. I am giving myself until the beginning of next year to at least find a happy, dating relationship. If that is not possible, I will seriously be considering ending my life.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hey, I’m new here! I just wanted to ask some questions. Does anyone go through the whole ‘range’ within a few weeks? Ie, a (I presume) brief period of hypo/mania, to the depressive stage, to anxious to eventually ‘normal’ to then swing back round to it all? I’m in denial, and don’t want anything to be wrong. I’ve had from what I remember in the past, two massive depressive periods - the childhood one I can’t remember too much about it. The last one, I was physically ill with it. My mil likes to remind me of how my body was ‘here’ I most definitely was not. Any manic episodes I have managed to keep myself in check, but this is I presume the anxiety’s doing. I have an irrational fear of repercussions, (that and a poor credit rating) and normally contain it to getting new pets or some other thing that is a huge distraction. If I had access to money, I dread to think.
Drinking, I can go where I literally want to drink ALL the time, to never wanting to touch it, I also get suicidal after drinking (a bit like how you feel after a manic episode, where you just think what a d**k you’ve made of yourself, and the shame over what you’ve done, well, what you remember anyway)
I still don’t know a lot about this illness, (only recently been referred) I see the mental health team every week, but I kept fobbing them off when bipolar was mentioned ‘I’m not bipolar!’ And for anyone from the UK, we pretty much only have Stacey from eastenders as point of reference *facepalm* . I never act out on suicidal thoughts, (health anxiety there too).
Also, does anyone ‘forget’ a lot? Eg, I literally washed and changed my daughter (she’s 1 1/2) and literally 5 mins after, I couldn’t remember what all I did.. did I change her nappy? Did I wash her? Did I brush her hair (for that one, I can see her hair has been brushed, but I can remember doing it) I forget if I have eaten, went to the toilet.
Work, I struggle so much. I get anxious over it, I can’t face them when I go back after being off sick. The looks I’m given, the questions as to why I was off and if I’m feeling better (all in good heart) but I get so ashamed I can’t manage. I struggle to get up and ready to go in. When I’m there I struggle with deadlines, and adherence - everything is timed. I accidentally got a new job, in a completely different sector, where I’m looking after people with dementia. How Can I actually look after people when I can barely manage to look after myself? I’m treading water, and poorly. I’ve four kids, (the elder three are teens) and they’ve to help me so much, as my partner. I’m terrified of another massive depressive episode as before as I CANNOT spend another year or more ‘not here’ I struggle talking to doctors about this, so will be glad when I finally meet the clinical psychologist who’s been assigned to me.
Also, cbt, doesn’t seem to work anymore :( i can’t take hold of my thoughts, which in turn make dealing with them impossible..
Whoops, sorry for the dissertation here!
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self.bipolar
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Wow. I have so much to say. I don't know where to begin. It's all jumbled up in my mind. Like a dam about to break. I'll probably stop every now and then and continue at a later time. I've never done this before.
I'm in my mid-40's, male. Slim. Divorced. Kids live with their mother, but the kids and I are very close. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs.
I hate my life. I haven't been happy since I don't know when. I spent New Years alone again. I slept through it cause it sucks to celebrate alone. And what do I have to celebrate anyway? I have no accomplishments to announce for my entire life. Besides my children who are so amazing. I've done nothing. I have failed at everything.
A few months ago I had planned on taking my life. I was being evicted. Work was slow. My 2nd job was non-existent. My car was always having issues. I couldn't take it. I was always told, "It will get better". I can honestly tell you no, it won't. It did not for me at least. Every year, for the past 5 years. My life got worse in some way. Every new year, when someone wishes you a better year than your last, mine would get worse. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I didn't try to have a better life. Whenever I would take a good step forward towards success, something out of nowhere would happen to send me back 10 steps.
So I had had it. I cleaned up my apartment. Got rid of a lot of crap. Wrote a letter a few pages long that was to be read by law enforcement only with directions. I had a full bottle of prescription oxycodone. Yes, it was my prescription. How did I get it? I had it for over a year from a surgery I had. Never used it. What was the surgery? That's a whole other story. I thought I was doing a good thing. I thought I was doing the right thing. But every good deed...
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self.offmychest
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