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17F senior in HS and pretty damn close to dropping out due to untreated severe depression. This might be long. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Can you make the episodes less powerful by not "leaning into" them? I couldn't think of a better way to word my question, so to explain...
Let's say I start to feel that kinda hypomanic restless sensation, just barely. Like I have that urge to kind of bounce in place and be really loud and silly and I can also feel the racing anxiety.
Will it make a difference if I ignore it and simply go about my routine, and lie in bed and fail to fall asleep but at least try, versus if I just go fucking hog wild?
I haven't had much therapy about dealing with bipolar disorder specifically (pretty new diagnosis) so I am not sure.
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self.bipolar
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3rd post/second update on recently suicidal GF For those keeping track of my last few posts...thank you for the messages and comments, ilI fowarded the most supportive ones to her and it seemed to make her day.
My girlfriend...or sort of ex girlfriend as I'm moving as I've metioned before.
Her ex obviously is badgering her about the child support and guiltily her, calling her a bad mother and I tried to find a person who can repair her car issue for what little money she has so she can go back to work but it seems that this isn't going her way. Her mother might give her her old car for free though.
I'm still concerned that she will attempt to kill herself again. This morning it took me 4 calls to get her to pick up the phone and she told me she was crying for 3 hours. I got out of her that she was thinking about her hopeless situation again and how nobody but me seems to care or try to help but that I'm leaving and "don't love her enough to stay and support her".
Now I know I don't have to defend my life choices but I have a job have to start soon and this money I have to use to get myself on my feet and help my dad who us blind from MS and diabetes so there is just so much I can do.
I wish I could help her but I can't bankrupt myself. So I did my best the last week. As I posted I did what I could for her and her daughter and finally saw a smile on her face and even took photos to remind me that she can at least..look like she's normal.
I don't know what to do. I feel like a terrible human being for wanting her to find another guy who can support her so I don't have to feel bad.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What kind of Phone App could help people manage Bipolar disorder and other mental Ilnesses?
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self.bipolar
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Am I making a mistake by trying to reach out to ex/old friends in order to stomp out any hard feelings? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Having a disabled kid has made me a believer in eugenics. If I dared to say this outloud, people would think I am this heartless monster.......but I actually think there are merits in eugenics with the severely severely handicapped. I'm not the second coming of Hitler or anything. I'm not talking about euthanasia for mild disabilities, like a missing limb or even conditions such as high functioning autism where treatment can substantially improve the person's quality of life. I'm talking about cases where the person is basically little more than a drooling vegetable with no hope for recovery.
Like my kid with severe low functioning autism, an underdeveloped brain and a heart defect.
My kid is basically a drooling 10 year old vegetable who wails day and night unless asleep and will never recover.
And to be brutally honest, keeping him alive just so we can say 'we are a better society than one that kills its disabled' is just......pointless to me? He lives in a care facility (the polite word for institution) because he needs round the clock supervised medical care and expensive machines to breathe and he'll literally never function above the level of a 1 month old infant. Thankfully I live in a country where we have excellent healthcare largely funded by the government and our contribution is a nominal couple of hundred Euros a month.
I sound harsh but I don't even feel anything for him because he is literally incapable of bonding with anyone. So like. How am I meant to feel love? He's literally just a very overweight vegetable (because he can't walk, all he can work out is kicking, punching and biting) who can't do anything but lie in bed hooked up to machines, and bathing him takes nurses over an hour. He kicks them, punches them, screams at them too. He is a drooling 10 year old vegetable who has literally no understanding of anything or anyone. What's even the point? All this taxpayer money being spent on medication, nurses, doctors, machines, maintaining the facility etc etc. It's a fucking waste. He'll never get better, he'll never be even remotely independent. If we knew this was the case before he was born (like how you can tell with many conditions), we'd have had an abortion, but once they are here, there is this expectation we have to keep them alive no mater what. It's so fucking stupid.
There is literally no point keeping this child alive. As brutal as I sound, it is one huge waste of resources and money on someone who will never ever be able to do even the most basic thing for himself, let alone contribute to society. It is a pointless drain on resources.
If I had the option, I'd tell them to unplug the machines, give a lethal injection and let him painlessly die. I honestly think it would be better for everyone - he is put out of his misery (his constant machines and heart surgeries are painful to him, he doesn't understand shit, he just knows it hurts), we can basically 'mourn and move on', which is hard to do with this....limbo situation where he is kept alive just for the fuck of it in an institution where we rarely visit because....well, what is there to do other than just looking at him, the nurses/doctors who can for him can be freed up to work with children with conditions that can be helped or even children with terminal conditions who have cognitive understanding, the building could be used as a library or something, and the fuck on of money spent to keep him alive could be put into the school system or redistributed for children's health services for kids that can be helped in some way. It just feels like a colossal waste of money and resources to literally keep a vegetable alive on machines.
We have a DNR for him, and as horrible as I sound, I keep hoping he just dies already. He's basically dead already, just kept technically alive with a machine and keeping us in limbo.
And this sounds selfish, but the 350 Euros my wife and I pay a month to contribute to his care? I get that I made the kid and need some responsibility, but at the same time......that money could be used to improve the quality of life for our two other neurotypical children who will grow up one day to contribute to society. I have a 12 year old daughter who really wants to learn Spanish - with that money, we could get her lessons. It feels like a better use of resources to develop her intelligence and skills when she will one day be able to work and pay taxes and actually understands being alive. My 12 year old son (they are twins) loves and enjoys football, that money could pay for a football camp for him - he'd actually understand it, enjoy it, have fun. Yet the money gets pissed against the wall to keep a vegetable who understands nothing alive.
Honestly, eugenics might be looked down upon, but when you have people who will always be vegetables, or will never be more than a toddler in an adult's body....maybe it can be for the best.
You have to remember that in many of these cases, that very low functioning autistic toddler you see now having a meltdown and is kicking the parent restraining him will one day potentially be a 30 year old 6'4 man having a meltdown and lashing out violently........where does that leave his 75 year old 5'7 mother? Getting punched in the face and knocked out trying to shower the kid? People are quick to talk about THE CHILDREN, but very rarely consider what happens when these people are no longer cute looking kids but grown ass adults with the mind of a baby/toddler and pose very real physical threats to their families.
I know I sound like an asshole, but honestly, I think it is time to discuss eugenics and to acknowledge that sometimes, keeping someone severely handicapped alive is pointless and a massive drain on society.
Just to make this clear to people reading who do have a mental or physical handicap - if you can read this, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about instances where the person will never ever have cognitive abilities and be able to understand their own name, not someone in a wheelchair or someone with aspergers. If you can read and type, you are way way WAY more better off than the level of disabled I am talking about. I am talking about "vegetables"/"permanent 6 month olds" here.
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self.offmychest
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As someone with depression, it bothers me - it really really reeeeeeaaaaaally fucking bothers me - that non depressed people don't feel what i feel and see what i see I realize that this is speaking from the mind of somebody who is "mentally ill", but it baffles me how any sane person can honestly look around and think "hey, life is awesome!!"
What's so awesome about toiling away the best years of your life going to school, before finally "growing up" into adulthood so you can attach yourself to a career and toil away to make some millionaire even richer, while you get poorer, for the rest of your life?
How can anybody spend more than a few hours with other people and honestly say "I trust people. People are good!" I just don't see it, nor do i trust other people.
Furthermore, how can people have the energy to go through the motions of mundane life while tending to the inane chatter from others...without getting absolutely exhausted and fed up? How do people keep up the act of pretending to care about others while they are scheming to fuck them over?
I see these things from the side and part of me is happy that I want to liberate myself from the toxicity of it all, but the other half of me feels so fucking lonely!
How can we possibly pretend we are a cohesive unit known as "society" when there is so much suffering and inequality going on? The two people that just honked their car horns at each other while violently shaking their fists and uttering horrible words at each other because THEY are in a rush and THEIR time is more important, are probably the same two assholes who've decorated their houses with Christmas lights.
I ask....WHY? What's the point of it all? If the economy crumbled tomorrow, I'd be fucking scared to death of these people. Why? Because we're humans, and we're fucking barbarians. You're not suddenly good people just because you put a wreath on your door and plastic candy canes on your lawn.
.....yet most other people can just see past this, and "mesh" into society perfectly well. They acknowledge and accept life's flaws, find their place in society, and then move on. So why the fuck am i having such an extremely difficult time doing the same thing????
I don't want to work 40 hours per week.
I don't want to talk to people, let alone actually become close to them.
I don't want to leave the house, but i have to in order to be a good little spending consumer who stuffs food down his throat so he can keep his meager existence going......all for the same fucking thing, day in and day out, with absolutely no payoff and no direction.
I'm fucking lost, man.
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self.depression
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Why do i even exist? Every day i just wake up with a feel of emptyness slowly eating my soul and i can't do anything about it. I can just feel my depression crumbeling into my heart boiling and boiling. Every day i'm in my room lisening to music in the dark. I'm to shy to talk to anyone in real life eveyone just bullies me like i'm there doll. I feel invisible everyone runs away from me like i'm same kind of sirial killer or something.
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self.depression
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My wife complains about everything She complains constantly about basically any physical discomfort. Cold. Heat. Humidity. Hunger. I don't have the bandwidth to constantly reassure her anymore. Why can't she just handle her shit like literally everyone else?
She's paranoid about her health, and in her mind any ache or pain could manifest into some potentially life threatening condition at any moment. I don't know how many fruitless trips to the ER we have to make and how much money we have to spend before she gets the message!
Her behavior is affecting our marriage. It's hard to be attracted to someone who cannot relax.
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self.offmychest
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GAD sufferer looking for advice anyway as the title states I have GAD, had it all my life in bouts and I'm pretty sure it'll indirectly kill me as i find it hard to ask for help. I live in Canada where the solution is drugs as it's easier and faster and when I get to the doctor my mind goes blank and all I can muddle through is accepting pills which as most of you already know is hit or miss on what works. I'm extremely good at hiding how bad I really am as I could be feeling like i'm drowning next to someone and they wouldn't know and unless you show a lot of emotion and panic people don't take you seriously. Can anyone suggest a concise way to describe how debilitating it is to me and to show that I need some serious help? Also even if I do get this through to him I will more than likely be waiting months to actually see a specialist of some sort, so if anyone has any suggestions on some medications that I can research and talk to him about that would also be appreciated. I took effexor 75mg for over a year but found I just didn't give a shit about anything so I had no motivation to do anything but worked fantastic as I never had any chest or stomach pains for the longest time.
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self.Anxiety
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Thinking about overdosing Kind of out of energy, I'm 18 years old. Dropped out because of depression, can't seem to get my life together, I'm disappointed in myself and I failed every goal I ever had. Not sure if I should leave a not or not, regardless it won't matter since I'm dead, I guess I just don't want people to have the wrong idea if I do it. I can't really say I'm going to miss existence, cause' I'm not. But I don't even know why I'm posting here, I guess I just have nobody else. Thought I'd come here speak my mind, and then take some space. I have friends I hangout with, but nobody close to me where I can have a conversation like this. I feel alone, always have, raised without parents, phycosis disorder, adhd, depression, anxiety, ptsd, bi polar, thats what i was diagnosed with at least. I've always been struggling but I just don't like living. Originally today I was suppose to hangout with my female friend and her and my friend but that went downhill she cancelled and idk I guess all day Ive been stressing over all different things and I realize im not happy. I'm not looking for crazy best friends because i realize internet friends always have failed me. But I don't know, I don't know how to feel. I don't really want anyone to tell me it's okay, or i'm here, I just feel better having a place to express how I feel, I think I may start to post on here every now and then, because it's a place I can talk about my suicidal thoughts for now, until I possibly do something or get better. thanks for reading..
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self.SuicideWatch
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School is ruining my mental health, but everyone will think I’m a loser if I drop out. What do you all do for school/work? I used to be just bipolar with some psychotic features but I have literally become the cliche first year student who has a mental breakdown.
So now after a week in the hospital, I’ve been diagnosed as schizoaffective bipolar type. My school sucks with accommodations despite their legal obligation so the stress of it all is causing me to cycle rapidly and hallucinate worse than it’s ever been.
I stopped taking my medication because it was making me too dull and tired for school. I can’t do both. The medication is way too intense for my schedule and despite the fact that it helps, the stress still brings out symptoms regardless.
Nobody in my life understands that it’s an actual disability. My brain is so disorganized and I find it hard to even organize myself to eat three meals a day. College also makes it a lot easier to make poor choices when I’m manic and I’ve embarrassed myself too many times to count.
I don’t want everyone to think I’m a loser for leaving school, but I really just want to be well and I don’t think that’s possible in a high stress environment. What do you guys do in the way of school/work?
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self.bipolar
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Are things going to be okay? I’m not feeling manic or too depressed, just scared. I’m scared that my bipolar disorder is going to keep me from doing what I want to do in life. I work in the medical field, and I often overhear people with far more training and experience than I have saying really disparaging things about those with bipolar disorder. It’s either due to a toxic environment, or it’s a hard truth I’m starting to realize, or both: people with bipolar just aren’t right. I’m kind of starting to hate myself. Is it possible that I’m not going to be able to hold down a job or have a healthy relationship? This is getting ramble-y but I guess what I’m asking is, can you have a full life with this illness?
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self.bipolar
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it’s back again i’ve struggles with depression since i was about 9 or 10 i’m 20 now. it comes and go sometimes worse than others but i’ve been able lately to keep it in a box and be unaffected by it.
tonight i was playing video games, you know something fun to do after a long week of college classes. Im not good at them but i’ve learned to accept that. tonight while playing with two others it was all up to me as the last one alive and i choked i had a technical issue and we lost. normally i would have said damn i have to try harder next time but this time i was verbally attacked by both teammates which left me feeling like shit and crying for the past hour. all one of them said is: it’s just a game get over it, i wasn’t trying to be mean.
yet at the instant of them yelling at me all i did was shut down. i felt the depression get out of its box and shroud my mind in its darkness. i feel the sadness flowing through me and the emptiness along with the worthlessness. they never go after each other so brutally but i was berated. i feel like i’ll never surmount to any good and im going to continue living a failure.
i want to kill myself, i’ve thought about it so much and so many times. i picture it and the various ways i could do it and how it would benefit my family and myself so much. i told him i wouldn’t do it so he wouldn’t call the cops or anyone but i feel like i won’t make it. maybe i’ll just go back to self harm until i make a final decision or to at least keep me at bay for a little bit longer.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Maid of Honour anxiety way out of my depth [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I think my obsession has died I won't go into details but the obsession was pretty bad and could had further con sequences. Its been nine months for the whole obsession thing. This month I did it a few times but its been seven days and I honestly feel like I won't go back to my behavior of nine straight months. I believe in modification. I may not be able to change fully but I can modify and in return keep myself from becoming obsessive.
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self.offmychest
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I’m so fucking awkward every time i open my stupid facehole I just want to die
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self.depression
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Skipping meds for one day ok? I was drinking all night and now I don't wanna take my Seroquel. Is this a good thing or am I being an idiot?
Doc says I really shouldn't drink (cause of the you-know-what) and for the most part I don't but skipping meds one night for a few drinks can't hurt, right?
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self.bipolar
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Feeling High after confronting my abuser Before I was depressed. The thought of doing anything to get out of my fucked up life seems inconceivable to me. But after the night I had a verbal that almost turned into a physical fight against my abuser. I’m suddenly filled with energy, and thoughts of actually doing things. I don’t know where this sudden confidence to act came from. But I’m riding it out to see where it goes.
I’m having a lot of ideas. Like I want move away. But I’m going to need money. I have to look for a job. I have to buy proper clothes to wear for an interview. Shoes. I have to create a resume for the first time in years. I have to get a proper id. I have to actually go out and visit a computer cafe and practice my typing skills, etc...
So much to do. I hope that I don’t run out of energy before I’m able to do anything. And I’m going to have to do this while my narcissistic stepdad is ignoring my existance.
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self.depression
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Currently hypomanic So I'm getting ready for the semester. No real responsibility right now, but trying to get a head start. Had an amazing day. First day back to therapy from the summer. My therapist was super impressed with my personal and professional growth over the summer. I received good news about my financial position. My motorcycle is getting fixed. All this good kind of tossed me into a hypomania. I had urges to spend money, I'm wide awake, and getting a ton of planning done for the upcoming semester.
My question: is it healthy to ride the hypomania and get as much done as possible, maybe even play video games and veg out bc I'm awake anyway, or should I be trying not to let it influence my life and I should attempt to sleep and combat my mood so I don't get comfortable just riding whatever mood comes my way and stay vigilant about my condition?
Any input is appreciated. I haven't addressed this in therapy and probably will in the coming week. It's been a very long time since my last hypomania episode.
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self.bipolar
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So lonely and worthless. I can't stop being a nihilist I'm just so done. I am bored every single day and lonely. Nobody really gives a fuck. About anyone. If I were to kill myself today no one would care. Its a fucking joke. Life is one big fucking joke and the people like me and you guys are the fucking laughing stock. Some of us will never be happy in our lives and I think thats fucked up. Goodnight.
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self.depression
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Medicaid My state (KY) just became the first in the nation to impose conditions on Medicaid, which I will not meet. This means that, in July, I will lose access to healthcare. Apparently our governor thinks his program will cure my disorder.
I work part-time, but not for enough hours to meet the requirements. Also, my hours differ from week-to-week based on my symptoms and the availability of work. My roommate is angry with me because I didn't jump at the idea of adding a public service job on top of mine, but he doesn't understand how difficult it is for me to do *my* job sometimes. Adding a second really isn't an option. That kind of pressure would make me crack. I'm not lazy; I'm just self-aware.
So here's the rub. I'm a working American with a major disorder who will now lose access to healthcare because my governor doesn't think I'm paying my dues. I'm trying to come up with a Plan B for covering meds, but I know I'll be cut down to lithium only. It's fairly affordable. I just have to find the money to pay for the doctor to prescribe it. I'm not throwing a pity party here. Just honestly afraid of what this means for my ability to function.
Thanks for listening, folks. I just found this out.
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self.bipolar
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Staying motivated (Doing daily chores) The last month and a half, I've been very unmotivated (even moreso than usual). I've been on a pretty aggressive depressive episode and haven't felt much relief from it. In the meantime, I've left my home a mess. I feel like I've been using all of my energy to work my full time job and take care of my dog. I live alone, so the only one I have to answer to is myself, but I feel like I'm losing control of the situation. I was wondering what you all did to keep motivated to do daily chores or have any advice?
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self.bipolar
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Worried that my old friend is turning people against me [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’ve relapsed. I’ve relapsed and I feel awful about it. So tucking awful. I’m really giving up.
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self.depression
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Is this anxiety or what is it now?! So I've been dealing with anxiety for 3 months, with panic attacks derealization and depersoanlisation, and meditated 12 days in a row, I started to feel these gaps between each thought, which was a good sign and great for my anxiety. So what happened next was that I mentally put myself in between the gaps, and BOOM suddently everything changed. I felt alive and had not been feeling that well for a while, but suddently I noticed my brain had suddently changed. I couldn't hold a thought for more than a second anymore? everything was intuitive, it was so frightening but I couldn't feel the same anymore. As if my mind is COMPLETELY empty, and I am not that connected to my feelings anymore. If I think about something really sad, I get the feeling that I want to cry for 2 seconds, and when I can't hold on to that thought, the feeling dissappears and I am back at this weird empty mind empty feeling state. WHAT IS GOING ON :(?!! I feel like a ROBOT, emotionless, joyless, desensitized, but I can't feel sadness or anger as well or think about it... So I don't know how to categorize this? (I'm not on anything btw)
Question is, is this a part of anxiety? or did I just completely change this disorder into something else?
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self.Anxiety
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Just got a haircut and makes me look worse... Its not gonna get better. I'll let it grow out again and try something else but I don't even want to fucking leave the house after finals end and break starts. Its sooo fucking hideous.
My face shape and everything is so fucking hideous its beyond me.
Now 'cuse me why I go into the shower and take a cry for 20 minutes.
I think nature has decided that no matter what I do I don't deserve love.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't enjoy being alive and at this point,i'm finding it hard to want to stay alive. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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The only thing I'm good at is being sad and feeling inferior
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self.depression
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Has anyone else had this problem with meds? I was on a great combination of lamictal/Klonopin/propanalol & was doing better than I ever had. I took that combo for almost 4 years before I was abruptly taken off them. Before that, I had nothing but problems with finding an antipsychotics & antidepressants just made things worse (Wellbutrin, Buspar, Zoloft), those made me sedated to the point where I had no will to do anything--not suicidal but I lost interest in life.
I haven't been able to find a good mix of meds since I was taken off the lamictal/Klonopin/propanalol. The doctor gave me a combo of vistiril, propanalol, and lamictal & has had me trying random antipsychotics since March.
So far I've tried Rexulti, Latuda, Seroquel, and Abilify. The Seroquel worked but I gained 8lbs in three weeks so I didn't want to continue with it. The latuda made me vomit and offered no help with my moods, anxiety, and paranoia. Rexulti just barely worked but there was no way I could afford it without insurance.
Now the doc wants me to take risperidone, gabapentin, vistiril, propanalol, lamictal, and sonata. After hearing the side effects of the risperidone and gabapentin, I am afraid of taking them.
Has anyone else had trouble finding an antipsychotic that works or trouble finding meds that work in general? This is so frustrating and I feel helpless.
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self.bipolar
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I don't know what to do I hate myself so much. I have no friends. Not even one. I spend all of my time when I'm not at school or work at home. I never hang out with people or go to anyone's house. I thought that it was just because everyone hated me and didn't want to be around me, but my mom told me that it was because I'm just rude, cold, and distant and I make people want to ignore me. I don't talk to people, and people don't talk to me. I want to talk to people, but I can never think of anything to say and my mind just goes blank in social situations. I can't hold a conversation at all. I wouldn't want to hang out with me either, but I just don't know why I'm like this. If that wasn't bad enough, I have really bad anxiety and I get really scared of social situations in the first place even though I desperately want friends and want to be happy. I don't know what's wrong with me. What can I do to make this better?
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self.depression
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Hit the Blues Oh man. It's like 2:40 in the morning and I have class at 9. I don't know if I'm writing to vent or to justify how I'm feeling. I have diagnosed depression/anxiety but tonight just kinda fucking sucked.
I'm a freshman in college and this girl and I were friends pretty early on in the fall semester and as things were dying down we started getting intimate, the first time ever for me. I've never been in a relationship, and while I understood things were purely platonic I ended up catching feelings. I told her this and she ended up telling me she had to, but due to circumstances it wasn't sure if either of us were going to return to school this semester. We texted just about everyday over winter break, I figured if things didn't work out, I should at least stay in contact. To me, she's the person that made me face my fear of intimacy.
It was pretty lucky that we both ended up back here, and we pretty much picked things back up where we left off. My feelings had been getting more and more intense, we were spending hours together up to this point. The weather's been pretty shit, but it warmed up for a brief period and we pretty much spend the entire day together, getting lunch, going to the park, and cuddling.
Today she pulled me aside and just told me things weren't meant to work out. She's not a fan of distance, and while we live only 3 hours away we both have lives. She didn't think things could work out. We've been texting just trying to figure something out. She said she told me because she realized she might want to get serious with me.
We don't want to lose each other, and while I'd like to be in a relationship I don't feel comfortable roping her into something she doesn't want to be in, or just as an appeasement move. In the past when similar, but differing things happened I'd just put up my walls and cut contact as my way of dealing with whatever I was feeling. I still felt like shit but didn't have to be reminded of it, I guess.
I don't know what to do. I don't think I can just stop feeling this way about her, and I don't want to not have her around anymore. It's scary, it's rough, and I don't know how to proceed
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self.depression
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Sometimes I just need someone to shoot the shit with I miss just having people to talk to. It seems like while cutting out toxic people I've hit a point where I never really have anyone to talk to late at night anymore.
Ugh. Ridiculous.
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self.bipolar
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Memory loss from meds - common thing? Treatment has been going well. I've almost completely gotten rid of suicidal thoughts, and I haven't been worrying too much about my mortality and what awaits me after death anymore. My mood looks pretty stable. Everything seems to be going perfectly fine, except my doctor asked me recently if I can possibly find a traumatic or significant memory in my past that could have possibly triggered or worsened my condition. Two things come to mind, high school and my 4th grade year. While I remember most of these, I can't exactly determine *what* these memories were. All I know are the feelings associated with the memories.
My doctor suggested that I may be subconsciously suppressing these memories as a coping mechanism to avoid thinking about them, but I vaguely remember myself still having these memories before I started my meds. Every time I try to dig into my skull, my brain kinda shuts down and I'm left in a blank state until I give up. These aren't the only memories I've lost - I have a bunch that are sort of fragmented or blurry (not including my early childhood and stuff I really shouldn't remember). I have no clue what's going on so I wanna know, have you guys struggled with memory loss after starting treatment? Is this a common thing? If anyone needs to know, I'm on Depakote and Seroquel.
The memory loss doesn't really bother me enough to consider any change in medication. I'm gonna start writing journals to help me out along the way, but I am curious as to how common this is and how different everyone else's cases are.
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self.bipolar
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I just wait for a momentum, before I do it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you deal with overthinking yourself into a panic attack I have been in situations where I would focus on a very small sensation in my body and blow it up so much in my brain that it results in a panic attack. For example a simple heartburn for me will blow up into heart attack resulting in a panic attack. I have tried reinforcing my thoughts that this is just a heart burn but some how my brain can seem to stay on track.
This all started with me experiencing an anaphalactic shock and in the after evernts I had severe anxiety, fear of dying and panic attacks.
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self.Anxiety
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anyone else incredibly hung up about people finding out you have bipolar? I feel like bipolar disorder is this massive secret I have to keep from everyone. I've figured out in therapy that it's keeping me from being open in my relationships and causing undue stress... but I don't want to start being open about having bipolar. Pretty sure that's still objectively a bad idea (given the society we live in). Anybody else had this bother the hell out of them? How do you get over it?
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self.bipolar
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I usually have mild, very manageable anxiety – but tonight I really need your help. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I can almost feel freedom I'm not quite sure why I'm posting this; I don't think there's anything anyone can do. I suppose I just want someone to hear my last thoughts. Or maybe - deep down - I suppose I want to be missing something.
The world is not a nice place. This is pretty obvious at this point. You're born into a world without your consent, then forced to trade your very limited time and labour just for survival. It's drilled into our heads from a young age that this is completely normal and that it's the only way - which it is. Because humans are so greedy and selfish. In any other system, the minority will fuck over the majority. Most people are fine with this. It's just as primitive as monkeys fighting to get to the top, but we see it as civilised and advanced? You can't stand up to authority for even a SECOND. I'm seen as a problematic student just because I'm curious about why certain rules exist and I don't worship teachers. Everybody is fucking miserable on Earth but only a lucky few make it out early.
As if being born at this time in this hell of a planet isn't enough, I was unlucky enough to get fucked up genes. I'm incredibly ugly, dumb, awkward, lazy, embarrassing, rebellious and sensitive. The approval of others completely controls my emotions. Motivation is completely non-existent - I feel as if there's a slim chance I could try and save myself, but what's the point? Fighting my entire life to be "normal" just to rot away in a nursing home and die anyway after a pitiful existence? And why should I stick around for the few who care about me? I should suffer everyday just so they aren't sad? How fucking selfish. I won't be around to see their sadness, anyway.
I'm turning 15 in less than a month. That's far older than I'm comfortable with. I'm getting closer and closer to being one of the sad masses who slave away; never truly getting anywhere. I think I'd rather just inhale chemicals, jump off a bridge and be a tragedy.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling Betrayed So my diagnosis got bumped from BP 2 to BP 1. Now my SO is over thinking it because she has anxiety. Last night told me that the statistics say that I will cheat. It’s 98% likely that I will. Feels like she is believing the label over me. I’m very loyal. So much so it has wounded me deeply that she doesn’t believe me that I haven’t already cheated. I feel like shit. I haven’t done anything but she treats me like I have. I don’t know what to do. A part of me thinks that I should cut her out of my life because I need a support system not people dragging me down. Another part is worried that it’s just her anxiety make her doing stupid stuff (I’m guilty of that shit as well).
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self.bipolar
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What if this isn't really me Am I really who I am on the meds? Do the meds let me be my real self? Or am I better and the meds are holding me back? I've been on meds since 2005 and was just having these thoughts.
I'm not going to quit taking my meds or anything irrational, but my doc just upped me to 400mg of Lamictal and said if this doesn't work we'll go to something else. I'm like great... something else... when will it end...
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self.bipolar
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I don't know what's wrong with me I don't really know where to post this
So this morning on Christmas, my siblings and I were surprised with a trip to California. I should've been grateful for this trip, but I felt ungrateful. I felt bad about it and I felt really guilty. I didn't know what to do. I gradually kept feeling worse and worse during the hour to us leaving. I eventually exploded in emotion not know why. I'm a 16 year old male and my parents got really mad. I felt like a huge disappointment. My parents gave me such a great gift and I broke down instead of being happy I broke down. I haven't been this depressed since I was 10 years old. It's supposed to be a great Christmas Day. I feel like the scum of the world, worse than any person alive. Please I don't know what to do
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self.depression
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I think this is the first time I have ever been depressed on Christmas. I don't want to my problems. I just had the thought that Christmas is usually a happy time for me but currently it is not. Hope yours is going better than mine.
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self.depression
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Why can't I get anybody to like, or talk to me. So there's this girl I like, we kinda talk to each other and I want to get to know her better, but she never seems to talk to me unless I start it. I tend to sit in the back and she always stays in the front talking to a ton of other guys laughing and talking. I want to be there to talk to her, I want to be there to try to be with her. I guess I can't since she doesn't think the same to come and talk to me. It Always gets me in a shitter mood seeing her be so happy talking to other people. My friend says she might like him, but I don't want to talk about how I like her too, and possibly ruin them both being happy. This just makes me so I don't even know how to express how I feel about this. It's just so shitty.
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self.depression
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I had my first therapy session yesterday and have been feeling embarrassed ever since. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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i need advice on how to control my bad impulses related to alcohol, drugs and sex About a month ago I was taking some nootropics, like 5-HTP and L-Tyrosine. I've taken them before and they really seem to make me feel "normal", balanced, in peace and more social and affectionate. However, 2 weeks ago something happened...like a glitch in my brain. I started feeling depressed again and suffering from mild panic attacks. I don't know if the nootropics stopped working, if my brain developed some tolerance to it...and this "glitch" caused havok in my impulse controls. I started to drink vodka again, and then the vodka leads to the drugs and the drugs sometimes leads to sex. It is awful, it causes me nothing but pain and more depression. A month ago I wasn't feeling any bad impulses...my brain was balanced. I was in peace, I was SO happy. I'm really really sad that my brain started falling apart again.
My doctor prescribed me Cymbalta (I had stopped taking medication a few months ago) but I've been on Cymbalta before and it doesn't stop these impulses. When I feel the need to act out I simply cannot control myself. I mean, I actually control myself most days because I don't drink and do drugs every day but then the urges come out of nowhere, I cannot identify the trigger...it just happens. And I don't drink for pleasure...it's a self-medication thing. I drink almost an entire bottle of vodka in a couple of hours. It's insane. I know I'm not an alcoholic because on social occasions I can drink normally with friends, stop, go home and sleep like a normal person. I guess it's an attempt to sedate myself or just simply stop the feeling of boredom and apathy.
I drank a lot and used a lot of cocaine this week, more than I've used in months. It has been terrible, a lot of money was spent.
How can I control my impulses? How can I say NO to my brain, it feels impossible. I'm destroying my life.
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self.bipolar
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Is it possible to go manic while still on meds? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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DAE get headaches/pain from anxiety? Over the last two weeks I've had constant headaches and neck/shoulder pain that won't stop. It coincides with me having quit my job and being stressed about finding a new one, some family stuff, etc. I'm figuring they're intertwined but am not sure of ways to calm both symptoms down.
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self.Anxiety
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Health effects of long-term (>6 years) use of lamotrigine? (Particularly related to chronic inflammation and low-grade flu-like symptoms) Hi all,
I've been on 250mg lamotrigine for about 6 years now. It works fantastically. However, during the same period I've slowly developed a kind of background inflammation that's basically the same as very minor flu. It's there almost all the time - some days better than others - and is sometimes accompanied by muscle aches/sprains and a slightly sore throat. I also feel like I'm extra warm to the touch.
No doubt the timing is purely coincidental and I have some other problem, but I figured it was worth researching. Unfortunately, however, I can't find much about long-term usage and the only articles that refer to those symptoms are acute allergic responses.
Do any of you have views/experiences here? Naturally I'll pursue it with my doctor too.
Thank you!
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self.bipolar
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How much sense does it make to not want to exercise for these reasons? - My panic attacks cause my internal body temperature to rise and drain me of all my energy. By nature, exercising also makes people feel hot and drained. Therefore, exercising is essentially emulating a panic attack (minus the actual panic, but since I'm conditioned in feeling all three at once, simply being hot and drained could potentially trigger the panic and start an actual panic attack.
- Hunger is another trigger for me. Exercising builds muscle, and the more muscle you have, the more energy you burn regularly. I don't work an extremely laborious job or physically active hobby, in which being muscular would be more efficient, so I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea of making myself hungry quicker/more often than I already get (let alone being sore all over).
- Yes, exercising causes you to feel better in general due to the release of endorphins. But what if the endorphin rush has no effect on how willing you are to step outside your comfort zone, AND it kills your desire to enjoy any of your current, non-physically-demanding hobbies, leaving you feeling like you don't have a purpose? At least, that has been my limited experience.
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self.Anxiety
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I have nothing to stay alive for No, not even myself. I hate myself. I'm fucking useless and can't get a job. There is nothing that I want to do or want to be. I don't really need to be alive. My family? I lost faith in them. I came home from university and realised that all they want from me is money to pay off their debts. Everything that they want me to do has the end result of benefitting them. My boyfriend? I think I stayed with him because I'm afraid of feeling lonely. We are now more than 5700 miles apart anyway. My friends? They have other friends, they can do without me. All in all, I have nothing, no hopes and dreams, and no one to stay alive for. I want to die
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can someone please give me reasons to keep going? Because I'm honestly running out and ending it all is becoming more and more tempting :(
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self.SuicideWatch
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how does one not be a boring person :P I feel like i never have anything to talk about, im not funny, creative (as hard as i try to be).. i just feel like im not a normal person but im not the good type of different either, im the person people will talk to because their lonely and not because we're friends and it really gets to me.
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self.depression
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Disowned after standing up against pedophile father - I crashed and burned later in life. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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It's been weeks since I planned telling someone about my depression but (for the fifth/sixth time again) it didn't seem like the right time Ever planned exactly what to tell someone what you're honestly actually going through and crying in the process of thinking it through and preparing what way to tell it to someone, only to feel numb the day you were going to tell them but since you can't feel anything you can't force myself to cry otherwise it would seem fake and forced? It happened to me again, and I don't know when I'm gonna finally tell it to my counselor and friend. I've lost interest in things I used to love doing a lot. I don't even know if I'm even in the right track. I just want to go back and change things and my bad decisions. To be honest, other people have it way worse and here I am being an extra in each in everyone else's own movie. I'm grateful to be alive but I've already lost myself. I don't feel like I have a reason to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day. I've been thinking of ending it but then I imagine that would hurt my family & friends. I'm afraid I won't be afraid to do it one day. But as I'm typing this I'm not commited to doing it and I'm grateful to be alive.
For a teenager I have a very deep voice and a serious tone. But sometimes when I feel so tired and I conceal my thoughts, I just want to hug someone. I've been trying to overcome my cynical self, but sometimes I just have to feel it and address that this hurts. But yes, I know I'm the lead character in my own movie. Yes, I'm gonna try again next Friday and see how this goes. In other news it's a new day tomorrow. Keep spreading some light here. Keep being there for each other. I wish everyone a good day/night.
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self.depression
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Time for a medication change or just a bad bout? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety and school Hey
I need help and tips with dealing with my anxiety.
On top of my anxiety problems I have dyslexia, sorry for any misspelling or grammar.
This is my first time posting or even talking about my anxiety publicly.
The situation is that I go to university and working on my bacholer paper. This is the 4 times I tired to write it. I have turned it in the other times but I keep getting an F because my writhing is to bad.
My anxiety takes over whenever I try to write. I can't find the right words. i feel like nothing I write is good enough... I panic because I don't find the words, start breath to fast and not getting enough of air. This continues till I throw up. And soon as I sit down again to write my paper it starts up again...
I also feel paralyze by my anxiety, that I can't even start writing and it has been several night I do absolute nothing.
I talk openly with my husband and he tries to help, but he feels like I shuts down and can't hear anything he says too me. I just feel everything is hopeless and there is no point to anything.
When it come to writing my paper I get alot of anxiety from my dyslexia. Since I have a hard time to get my point across,and a difficulty finding words to express myself.
I need tips to handle my anxiety and calm down long enough for me to finish my paper and turn it in.
Thanks
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self.Anxiety
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I feel empty So I’ve been getting worse and worse over the last couple of years and it’s gotten to the point where suicide is all I can really think about
Around 2 Year’s ago I kinda just stopped feeling emotions except for extreme spells of anger or sadness. I can talk to my friends and family normally and laugh with them but afterwards I’ll think about it and how fake it all was and go back to the suicideal thoughts and I don’t like it
I’ve managed to keep myself in check but over the past month or so it become much worse and now some of my family knows about it but not to the full extent
Anyways I just wanted to tell some people and try and put it into words and ask if I should seek help? And is this even a real problem or have I made it up and just saddened myself because I don’t really know anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m not close to my cousin anymore and It’s awkward I need help [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Why Just why.
Why do i need to feel so empty
Why does it feel like everything i do is a mistake
Why am i feeling this way
Why can't i Find motuvation to move on, or to even get out of bed
Why does nothing make me happy
I Just want to take the bullet
But i can't i am to weak for that.
I'm sorry you had to Read this. I tried to clear my mind
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self.depression
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What should i even do?? Im friecking too young to be in depression [deleted]
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self.depression
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I just lost my best friend... Hi, I'm kinda new to this. But I really need someone to talk to. I am in a great deal of emotional pain right now and I need some advice. But I think more than anything, I need to say these words out in the open...
It all started back in April of this year, when I joined a Facebook group centered around a now-cancelled television show. It was a small, exclusive group that required an actual quiz about the show to get into. The membership number was also kept low as well, about 300 people. So everyone there was somewhat close.
Soon after, I started getting along pretty well with a girl there, we'll call her Nikki for the sake of anonymity. We worked together on a group project, and we sorta became inseperable after that.
A little about Nikki, she was a few years younger than I, small, quiet, cute, mousey, and painfully shy. She was married to a much older man, a man she had left her then-fiance for and always seemed to regret that action. A lot of our talk was trying to get her to forgive herself for what she perceived to be a mistake. She had a heart of gold and just wanted to be loved, it seems.
We'd talk every single day, some days 11 or 12 hours per day. Not many people understand me, but she did. And she actually gave a crap about the things going on with me. I would help her by talking her through her problems, from which she had quite a few. But I was happy to do it. I loved her. She was truly my best friend in the world.
A couple of months ago, something changed. To this day, I don't know what it was. But the long daily talks started to get shorter and shorter. It was to the point where if we talked for an hour total, I was lucky. And we started arguing a lot too. Over silly things, too. Seemed like we always sorted out the problem, but why argue with someone you care so deeply about?
I have been going through a very stressful situation at home, in my personal life, and with my financial situation. It was almost to the point I thought I was going to have a panic attack or something. I needed desperately to talk to someone, but she wasn't around all day. So close to my usual bedtime, I sent a message pouring my heart out, explaining that I was in a bad way and was going to try to go to bed and sleep it off, and that I would do everything in my power to talk to her tomorrow. I went on to bed, and got up the next morning to check my messages. I had gotten a reply, alright. But it wasn't words of ecouragement, or concern, or anything like that. It wasn't even an apology for not being there when I needed her most (Not that I was expecting an apology, not at all). Instead, I was met with the five letters that broke my heart into millions of pieces.
"night"
No capitalization, no punctuation. Just... night.
I knew at that moment I'd lost her. I still don't know what happened, I don't know what the change was. All I know is, I wasn't a part of her life any longer. I started to type out this wordy, angry message telling her to not be so blase about this, that I desperately needed her and she was brushing me off again. I poured my heart, sould, and tears into this note. And then, I deleted it.
I just deleted it.
I knew if I sent that message, it was going to taint everything that we had. I didn't want that at all. So I logged out of my Messenger and just... disappeared. I didn't log on at all for several days, trying to clear my head and maybe give her the space she seemed to need. I didn't log back on until Christmas night, last night, only to find a "I can't do this anymore" message and my subsequent unfriending on Facebook.
It's over. It's truly over.
For the life of me, I don't know what happened between us. I miss her desperately, and I haven't stopped hurting since last night. I barely slept, I haven't eaten. It's just... I dunno anymore.
I'm choosing to keep the good memories alive though. I don't want to think ill of her. I want to remember her as she once was, a dear friend who loved me as much as I loved her.
Goodbye, Nikki.... I hope to see you again some day.
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self.offmychest
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The 3 M's for Sanity Medicate, Meditate, and Masturbate. You're welcome. LOL.
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self.bipolar
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The Modern Age We say “it’s 2017” and it’s okay not to be okay or we need to open up. Honestly I find it more difficult to open up now than when I was younger, still being ridiculed for showing weakness or emotion. “Why should they feel like that?” Etc. I’m different. Wishing I could conform to the norm but can’t.
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self.depression
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You can't get upset if you don't care about anything. Does anyone else have trouble having fun or finding satisfaction in anything because you can't block out the truth that you're gonna die one day? Like not just you, but literally everyone you know or have ever seen. All dead. Been thinking about this a lot. The only solution I can think of is to try and be numb to everything and not get invested with anything or anyone. Is that a good idea?
Unfortunately, I am a people pleaser. I willl do anything to help someone and regularly go out of my way to help people, even though I know it won't be reciprocated. I'm not even doing it so they'll like me, I'm just doing because life is ducking shit and if I can do one thing and make it less shit for someone else then that brings balance to the universe, right? Is it a good idea for me to discard that and just become more me-focused? I guess you can get upset or disappointed if you don't care about anything or anyone?
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self.depression
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I havent felt this low in a long time. Its like swimming in the ocean for me. I am having fun and swimming a decent distance from the beach but I can always swim back but then the tide comes in and pulls me away from shore. Before I know it I cant even see the shore and I cant breath and no one can tell until I completely disappear.
Every year the tide takes me out but I always find a way back but today I feel like im going to drown for good. I am not suicidal I wont give my depression the satisfaction of me giving up but fuck I dont see the light and I feel so lonely. I have a great husband but he doesn't understand and I know he tries but every time I express my feelings he gets so awkward and just says "yeah". I dont have the money or pto to take time off to try to recover so I sit as a shell at my desk and try to do something and pray they dont fire me.
I dont want pity or even comments I just needed to type this out and hope im not alone.
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self.depression
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Akathisia on Saphris vs Vraylar Hi, during a manic episode I was prescribed Saphris and had the worst case of restless leg I have ever experienced. It was excruciating. I've been prescribed Vraylar now to start tonight and I'm freaking out that I will have the same issue with it. How common is akathisia on vraylar? Have others dealt with it? What has helped to calm it?
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self.bipolar
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Should I tell my doctor I'm addicted to clonazepam? I've been taking 1mg of clonazepam about 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, for about two years now. I ran out about two weeks ago, and it's safe to say I've hit the withdrawal period. I'm craving them bad, and I've got all these other symptoms which looks like withdrawal symptoms. I'll be getting a refill on monday thank god, but I'm really anxious as to whether I tell my doctor in case he won't give me anymore. Thoughts?
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self.bipolar
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Don't know what to do with my life. I am 25 and right now i feel lost. I am not rich but, all my life when I have wanted something I ultimately always got it. Be it a material thing, a job, or social company. In all honesty I have very little experience with failure because once I want something I don't stop. But now I am at a point I don't care about anything. I went to a therapist, to see if there was anything he could say to help me care about something, but it was no help. I am extremely honest with myself and others, some people call me an open book. I don't have any regrets yet cause I only do what I want but now that I want nothing I am lost. I don't even care if I become homeless or die. I just want to be happy but don't know how to achieve it I am willing to try anything people suggest. I don't care about money, I know I sound extremely arrogant in this post saying I can do anything, but that is the way it has been my entire life except now. So if anybody has any suggestions on what I should do please tell me.
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self.offmychest
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If you are going to want to know about my life at least remember it My father always asks me about my day at dinner. Being in school I do have a confusing schedule that alternates every day with many different teachers. But two semesters in he still can't manager to know who my teachers are or the order they fall in. It would be fine but he insists that I do every night. And when he can't remember anything it makes me feel disrespected and that he really doesn't care about my day.
On top of that (but this is kind of off topic) every pet I have he changes there names. The fishes name is fucking Rook not damn jaws.
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self.offmychest
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Should I Ask for a different medication if they one I am on made me gain weight? I am on abilify and I am seeing some horrible things about it on the internet. It made me gain almost 50 pounds. Life sucks rn. But my doctor insists that most bipolar meds will make me gain weight. I am on metformin and losing a bit of weight. Do bipolar meds that DONT make you gain weight even exist?
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self.bipolar
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are mental Illnesses curable? I want someone to be frank with me, I mean I have been in therapy since i was 8 and nothing have changed, I suffer from OCD,depression,anxiety disorder and paranoid personality disorder.
I can't suffer anymore I can't everyone says you will get over it but I won't if I live forever with my current mental status there is a chance that I will suicide.
I tried so many meds, now the long term side effect is I got a headache and hallucinations when I sleep.
what is the point of that , are mental illnesses curable or not i want someone who have them and knows well cuz I'm 17 and i can't live longer with this anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thoughts on being scared to try meds because others had bad experiences Let me say I do all research necessary before starting a new med. About a month ago I was prescribed risperidone to add to my daily prozac. At first I was so scared to try it because seemingly every piece of input I received was negative. I'm glad I did try it because, despite a tumultuous beginning (felt like my anger was exacerbated), I feel so much more even-keeled now. I love it.
So, don't be afraid to try new meds; bad reviews be damned. What works for me may not work for you, but I didn't know that until I tried.
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self.bipolar
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Woke up from a nice dream Fml, why did I have to fucking wake up, now I am back in this hell
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self.depression
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Maybe I'm overreacting, but I still feel the affects and fall into depressive episodes because of a failed audition I had a panic attack during a marching band audition, causing me to completely blank on the memorized piece. I explained what happened to leadership, but they told me they didn't care, and gave me an alternate spot. I've been an alternate every year I've been in this band, save for about 2 weeks last year. Strangely, the leadership has never given me an explanation as to why I've been an alternate for this long. It's usually a 1 year max, but this is my 2nd year. It's also my last year getting to play in the marching band. I've tried talking to them about it, but they won't even look at me while we're talking, and act like they're walking on egg shells. I went to the directors, but they waited too long to make a decision, and we'd already learned half the show. It ended up triggering a 3 day depressive episode and several panic attacks. And I missed turning in 4 big assignments that week. It's been about a month since then, and I still get upset about it, crying before nearly every practice and performance, 6 days per week. They gave 2 new members spots over me, 1 of them can't even play the pieces we perform at every game, including the school fight song, and is one of the worst marchers in the section. Before we auditioned, leadership was complimenting me on my marching and music, but here we are.
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self.depression
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Another start to a year alone... Anyone else spending the night alone? I'm just gonna fry me up some pork chops, smoke some bud, and play video games. No one to hang out with and I've already been hit by one drunk driver so bars are a no go. O well fuck it! Right?
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self.depression
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My last goodbye I've been depressed for a while now, about 7 years, I'm currently 18, and I've completely had it. Life is no longer something I enjoy, It's a constant struggle, I have to push myself to do everything, why do I have bare this existence that I haven't chosen. My health is at an all time low, both mental and physical, as mentioned previously, my depression is the worst it has been in years and nothing is making it better; for my physical health, my head is hurting immensely, my hair is shedding all over the place, my IBS is ruining my life and setting me back, just why, why me? What have I ever done to deserve this. I've posted on this subreddit multiple times throughout the course of this past year, but it only seemed to prolong my pain as nothing has gotten better, I will be ending my life shortly, it's currently 1:06 am and I feel like I'm about to pass out, I have dozens of ibuprofen tablets and other pills that I plan on ODing on before going to sleep. It hurts me that I'm going to cause great suffering to my parents and loved ones, that's what mainly kept me from doing it, but now I feel it's selfish to expect me to care more for the feelings of others than my own; I am tired, I haven't lived through a fourth of my average life expectancy and life is already rough, and getting much harder by the minute. I have come to the conclusion that life isn't meant for some people, some people are just better off rotting away, like myself, let natural selection do it's job, goodbye.
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self.SuicideWatch
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just a lonely rant, pay no attention to me my girlfriend and i broke up about 2 months ago. it at first was a mutual decision as we both realized that eventually we were gonna part ways, so we might as well have done it when we’re young. general differences like how we would have wanted to raise our kids, things we’d want in our life in the future and things we wouldn’t, where we were going to school and where we’d live after that. well somewhere down the line after her and i cut communications, i found out she started telling people i chose drugs over the relationship and that i was hopelessly addicted. which is so far from the truth. it hurts and it pisses me off, but i have no energy to fight the rumors so ill let the truth prevail where it needs to.
i’ve been trying to talk to other girls recently. ive just been feeling alone and like no one wants me. once that relationship ended i had realized that there’s no one who’s truly fallen in love with me and who i am. only with bits and pieces of me. or theyve fallen in love with who i could be. but never in love with me.
almost every girl ive hit up i find out like a day after that they have a whole person that theyre with. and it makes me feel stupid for trying cause i wouldnt if i knew and also makes me feel lonely and defective. like there’s something wrong with me that pushes genuine attraction and love away.
i had a dream last i was talking to a girl i had never expressed feelings for, she’s just a friend in one of my classes. she has a boyfriend outside of the dream. but when i woke up this morning my eyes opened to the cold reality that im just alone.
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self.depression
|
I’m so tired I’m so fucking done. I don’t know how to cope anymore. My life is in shambles and i just don’t want to deal with it anymore. the emotional burden is overwhelming and everything is going wrong. I don’t want to die, but i feel like i have no choice. all my friends leave me once i’m not convenient for them anymore, my parents are emotionally abusive, the pressure and overwhelming work from school is literally killing me, i was sexually assaulted and i have to see my rapist everyday. he is in the friend circle of the only people who will talk to me. he’s in my theatre production. i can’t escape him. no body believes me and i just want everything to stop hurting. my best friend just left me and it was the breaking point. the only person who cared about me. everyone hates me for leaving my boyfriend and thinks i’m a horrid person. i know this isn’t how it’s going to be forever but i don’t know how to cope RIGHT now. i can’t deal with this for any longer. i want it to stop NOW.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just can't talk to people I have never had any friends, I Just can't talk to people its like I have a mental block due to all this depression and anxiety and anderhia and all the hells in the world up in here. Hell isn't hell, this is hell, this is a never ending purgatory. I can't get friends because I am stuck in my own personal nightmare. The only way out is death or to become insane enough that I can talk to my spoon.
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self.depression
|
Narcissism I am a narcissist. My ego tells me that i need to be the best at everything i do. I am good at nothing, but the problem is that i don't have passion for anything because i do enjoy nothing. I have tried may things in life, when i was a kid i was a skater, then i tried with music production, i have also tried with wood working. When i realized that i have no talent i stopped doing all of them. Some of my friend have continued to skate and do other stuff even if they weren't as good and i have Always wondered how can they do that. The answert is: "because i enjoy doing it". So i realized i have never enjoied anything, all the things i have done, were to satisfy my ego.
How can i live like that? There is no way out, i'm 30 years old and for about 13 years i suffer from depression. I i was destined to change i should have already changed.
My mind it's a trap, i cannot escape my way of thinking and the result is that i cannot enjoy life.
Also another effect of this lifestyle is that i am full of angry.. like really full. I do not feel empathy for other uman being, i am a monster, i am scared of what i could do.
I should kill myself before i lose the little control i still have.
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self.depression
|
“How come the ecstasy always depresses me so?“ One of my favorite lyrics, it’s from a short Frank Ocean song called “Mine”. I figured you guys could relate to it too. Frank probably didn’t write it with Bipolar in mind but it’s still relevant to me especially at moment. I was experiencing some hypomanic symptoms last week and now I’m struggling to find the strengthen to get out of bed and go to the gym/run errands.
It’s a short song with the phrase played on a loop for about 30 seconds and the words kind of mashed together repeatedly. I like the trippy vibe the song gives off, it really articulates the distorted mindset that can accompany these mood swings. Once again don’t know if this was his intention but either way I enjoy it and maybe you guys might too.
Full lyrics:
“How come the ecstasy always depresses me so?Chemically I don't have no more new places to go”
Link (sorry for the inappropriate language in the link)
https://soundcloud.com/niggawang/mine
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self.bipolar
|
Really freaking out and it's now effecting me at work. Ok so I have always had a fear of death that when thinking about it would give me panic attacks especially at night when trying to fall asleep. My thoughts would go into a downward spiral until peak and it makes me leap out of bed.
For 8 days now my fear has now latched itself to the possibility that I could drop dead at a given moment from a brain aneurysm. There is no real reason for it but now my anxiety is constant and causing pressure feelings, bleeding feelings, headaches and other symptoms in my head. The fear is the fact that it can happen without any symptoms and I'm just gone and it just freaks me out. I'm going to be 25 in two weeks I shouldn't be like this.
Idk what to do or how to handle any of this. I am also scared to see a doctor expmplaing this and asking for an mri becuse I will look crazy. But what if....
This really sucks and people close to me are getting annoyed.
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self.Anxiety
|
It's all gonna be over soon I reached out how I could, and I got resources. They've helped me grow so much out of the mentality I had, and it was wonderful spending one of my last days happy. But I know too much and I've seen too much of the abuse, and now I have to go. I can't die a child and then come back at 18 and try to live the life I needed, so what exactly is there now. Childhood is the only time that matters, and if you fail to build yourself up as a kid or if you weren't built up by parents who love you then there is very little here in the adult world.
Growing up was supposed to prepare me to work my life away, learn how to cope, learn how to be nurtured, and more to make me a productive adult. But a sick pedophile and his bipolar wife were in charge of me and didn't let me grow for 18 years. They still won't even with me gone from the house, she will come to my appointments and lie to my face about stalking me, or looking through my search history, texts and location information. It doesn't matter what you are as an adult when you have trauma. The trauma doesn't get better, you simply HAVE to learn to "get over it." But the problem is in order to "get over" trauma you first have to rationalize what happened. But unfortunately you can't possibly rationalize something that wasn't meant to happen. None of the people I called "friends" in school knew because I would've died if I called cops or CPS. They already took the pedophile away but the bipolar bitch brought him back and kept letting him stay home alone with us. He didn't work at all for pretty much my whole life. And I was stuck at home being homeschooled. The trauma makes up literally my whole childhood from age 12-16.
My body is killing me slowly, but it's my way out. It'll starve itself of all the nutrients that I should be absorbing and then I will eventually die, likely of an aneurysm. It happened to someone my mom know and she watched it happen, so I know how that its the only way to go. If I allow it to take me instead getting fluids in my body like the ER told me to then I wouldn't have killed myself, but instead my body would have done it for me. I always knew I was supposed to die at 18, and now the time is coming. I've felt the death for a few weeks now and I can finally feel it. I have been hearing voices and seeing things lately, and those are signs that I'm getting weaker and closer to death. No mentality change will bring me back, I have already died and there is nothing to make me a new person.
I'm gonna keep working and allowing my body to do this, because I understand everything now. I saw things from the happy perspective and now I need to allow the universe to make its move. It tried killing me the other night when I almost crashed and died, but I cared too much about my insurance premium going up and my car payments because it's not mine yet. But it's okay! It won't ever be mine and I won't have to suffer. I feel the signs in my body now that I'm in great pain. I'm 6 ft 2 and weigh 147 pounds at 18 years old, and I'm ready to go back! If I don't kill myself and I let my body do it the way the universe is intending then I'll no longer suffer and I can finally reincarnate as a child with a past life. I made it to 18. Now I can go back
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Not urgent but need someone to talk to Every time I have a good thing I fuck it up. I have struggled with depression for a while and thought I'd gotten over it. I mostly have but i fucked up today on my one month anniversary with my girlfriend. Probably not as serious a case as the others here but I didn't know where else to post
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate to admit it but I get a little anxiety attack whenever I see my ex. He is a sociopath without any ability to emphasize and just use people however he wants and gets rid of them in the cruelest way possible when he is done with them or when he is not getting what he wants anymore. And he is so good at being fake and lying that it is scary.
I hate to admit how a guy can make my heart sink and I hate how I was a fool. I saw so many red flags but before I knew it I trusted him and made terrible mistakes.
I hate how I involuntarily cringe a little whenever I see him or how my heart sinks a little if I see any guy with a similar appearance to him. I hate the acid taste in my mouth I get whenever I accidentally run into him.
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self.offmychest
|
I just realized I am an emotional abuser My ex left me about a year ago initially on good terms, but quickly turning bad. I was desperately trying to figure out how to get her back, and thought I could do it by casually acting like I didn't give a shit about her. She saw through that. Fortunately for her, her job moved across the country about a week later and I haven't seen her since.
She blocked me on social media in the wake of our falling out. I was a spiteful motherfucker, but I didn't do anything beyond vent to my friends. I did know her reddit username though.
Every few months, I'd look at her recent posts. I never replied to any posts or did anything to let her know I knew.
Eventually it became clear she sees me as her abuser. Im not going to include any details out of respect, but my "good intentions" aren't really worth anything when it comes to another person's sense of self worth.
I'm on bad terms with all my exes. I knew she and I were fighting a lot, but I thought it was a product of our personalities. I apologized when I was wrong, which was frequently. But I also cared about too many things. Things that a partner just shouldn't care about.
She taught me empathy while we were still together. I realized that all of my friendships, family, and relationships prior to then were built on toothpicks and chewing gum. I am so glad to truly feel empathy now, but I wonder if I really feel it out of compassion, or if it's just for the illusion of being a decent human.
I've done some googling. Reddit is full of info about how to spot emotional abusers, but not much about how to stop being one. I'm writing this post in some weird, broken, "artsy" voice. Is it because I'm seeking control and attention? Shit.. Made a deal with an amazing lifelong friend an hour ago that involves me finding a therapist in the next 2 days.
But I really wish I could do more. I wish I could undo the hurt I've caused people. I wish I could see my past relationships through the eyes of a non-abusive version of myself. I feel like the robot in that movie The Iron Giant, looking at the devastation I've caused.
Occasionally when emotions are hitting me extra hard and I'm typing away on my phone, I get this sense of vertigo and weightlessness along with a sense of hopelessness and dread....welp.
I am so sorry.
|
self.offmychest
|
i need a dopamine hit so bad right now. know what im talking about? it seems like everything ive ever liked or desired it so foreign to me right now. just from the lack of this chemical. im on the verge of finding a supply of it in an extracurricular manner. just one more shot, please.
|
self.depression
|
Why do people insist on phoning when there are perfectly good texting apps -____-
|
self.Anxiety
|
i don't want to die but it feels like the only way im 19 but ive been suicidal since i was about 13 or 14 when i started to realize that the world is full of scum bags and idiots so i dont trust anyone and i just hide how i feel, i want to talk to someone about the shit ive been through but i get so anxious and I worry about what I should say resulting in me usually keeping to myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It’s just so logical For quite some time now I’ve been thinking about hurting myself. Sometimes just fantasizing, sometimes wishing, sometimes planning. I struggle with severe depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit hyperactive disorder. They always seem to compliment and thwart one another. When my depression is high my anxiety is typically low, when my anxiety is high depression tends to be low, all the while ADHD keeps me from being able to marshal my resources against them.
I’ve ruined the greatest relationship I ever had by not supporting someone who took me in despite my own weaknesses. She wanted to be a friend and keep me in her life but after I realized the gravity of my mistake I smothered that connection by being unable to move on and trying to revive our romantic relationship.
My job is menial and dead end. Every time I try to improve my situation I end up sabotaging my efforts in some way. Whether it’s looking for more worthwhile employment or going back to school. Through tardiness at work, avoiding classes and escaping with recreational medicinals.
My parents have spent a fortune getting me treatment. In medication, therapy and general support. My brothers are not impressed with my arrangements, they know I’m a lazy fuck up and a wasted opportunity.
My friends are tired of trying to comfort and console me and I’m tired of putting them in that position. I feel like if anything should happen they would feel something of a loss, say it’s a shame but be able to move on fairly quickly if not immediately.
I just want to go over all of this with someone objective. Someone who won’t try to convince me that things will get better. For thirty two years it’s been a slow but steady descent, the reprieves only serving to highlight little I have left, holding my face to everything I’ve ruined and squandered. I want to lay this all bare so they may look at the facts and the context surrounding them. That they may corroborate the evidence to not waste more time, burn others’ resources or hurt any more loved ones.
I’m visiting the aforementioned friend and after inadvertently putting her through an emotional hell for the last week and a half, everything is starting to feel more crystallized than ever before. I could cocktail my meds and other substances but I don’t want her to have to address the issue in the morning. I could wait at the train station but I don’t want to subject witnesses to the grisly results or commuters to the inconvenience.
I want to be told that it’s ok to feel this way. That it’s appropriate considering who I am. That it’s time.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It's okay to ignore this I have attempted suicide before. I don't want pity or support I think. I just want evidence that I was here. I existed and it didn't go well. I know I might just be crybaby for letting myself feel this way. I can't tell the difference between self pity and self loathing anymore. I used to love video games and reading and art but now...I just stare at the wall. The ceiling light tints my room orange. I can hear my brother rushing to get out, fumbling around and crashing into things in his hurry. I hear my mom in the kitchen playing with the dogs. I hear my dad laughing and telling her to quit before they break something. And I sit in my room alone.
I love my girlfriend, but I have lost the kindness I once offered. Now I hurt her on purpose. I just want her to leave so I can finish. I hurt my family. I laugh at my mother's pain and taunt my brother into a screaming fit. I am bad and I have worked very hard at being bad. I just want them to put me on the back burner. I want them to forget me until there's nothing left in the pan.
I guess this might be my suicide note. I'm still trying to work up the courage. I need to go somewhere they couldn't find me. I'm sick of bitching about my life and my stupid fucking feelings. I am ashamed of myself. I separated my dad from his family. I stole things just because. I hurt people just to see if I can. I am a nuisance. Can't you see that? Can't you see how frustrating this is? What more can I do to alienate myself? What more can I do to make you hate me like I do?
I'm pathetic. I'm weak. I'm a miserable waste of life and I'm too stupid to stop. What can I say to make you understand the gravity of my desire to die? What can I say that doesn't just sound like melodramatic rambling? I don't control my body anymore...I'm just a passenger. I watch through my eyes like windows of a control station. I examine everything with detached disinterest. I am happy for you that your life is reaching something stable. I am happy that you are growing into yourself.
Brother if you read this please open your eyes. Just because you have feelings doesn't make you the only person who feels. Expand your perspective and fucking stop acting like a baby.
My mother is a loving mother. My mother makes mistakes.
Father, I wished you loved me. I have always felt this way. Even when I was five. I asked mom why you didn't love me and she told me that people express love differently. I waited. I watched. It's okay. I don't love me either. I understand. It can be hard to love even blood when it's like me.
I guess my point is that I've been through this cycle too many times already and I just get more exhausted. I don't think this is a "cry for help". I'm just tired. I'm just shooting shit out here.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
When you're going to fail, and your brain won't let you stop it Hi all. Been unemployed a few months I recently moved so that I could prepare to be with my long distance love, but she has another few months until she is able to be with me. I have a limited time to figure out what I am doing for work, and my job search isn't yielding many results. I spend my days playing games in my father in law's house and trying to build the courage or whatever to apply for more jobs, but I can't stand putting myself out there only to be rejected for not being perfect. I feel like a failure that is just waiting to be found out in a few short months when my SO realizes I can't become a functioning adult. Today I find myself unable to talk to her much in fear of her finding out the reality of my situation sooner. I'm going to lose my favorite person - the only thing I really care about - and it is all my fault for having a broken brain.
I miss her so much and yet I can't tell her. I need so much to prepare for her arrival, but I'm not. I'm going to fail, it's only a matter of time. Thanks depression.
|
self.depression
|
I miss her so much... The only person I've ever loved is gone now, before her I wasn't happy but I did not intend to kill myself.
But now that I know true happiness I want to end it.
She was my happiness and the only thing I lived for, she now hates me and doesn't want to talk to me. I hate myself.
I hate being alone, no one that cares about me, no one there to listen. I hate it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Going off SSRIs after years, and it's kicking my ass. Help. I've been on SSRIs since I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety 8 years ago. The doctor kept me on my SSRI for a year and a half after my diagnosis in combination with mood stabilizers, but after reviewing data from Daylio it appears that the SSRI is causing me to rapid cycle.
Now I'm weaning off slowly. We went from 60 of Cymbalta to 40, and now we're at 20 and it's kicking my ass. I blew up at my therapist, got in a verbal altercation with a stranger in a parking lot, then went home and cried for the whole rest of the night. I'm staying home today.
Does anyone have advice as to how to get through these med changes? I'm a hot mess.
|
self.bipolar
|
A positive Outcome to Bipolar I've never been on Reddit before but somehow I wanted to reach out to other Bipolar people and tell my story which is actually a positive one, remarkably considering everything that I've been though. I became depressed around the age of 15 at school, really dark moods would come over me when I didn't want to be with anyone. I called these depressor days, I had two other friends who used to feel the same way. At 22 I had the most terrible psychotic breakdown and was hospitalised for three months on a closed ward. I literally went completely mental at home in front of my family. It was what the doctors called an "acute psychotic breakdown". So bad that they whisked me off to hospital straight away "to see what all this was about". Hospital made it worse. I was terrified "they" were trying to kill me and my family. It was 21 years ago this December. I remember it very clearly. And I also remember how mean some of the patients were towards me, not to mention some of the staff too, but that's another story. Basically I had gone from being confident and happy in my early teens, to lonely, introspective, rabidly ambitious, highly creative, angry, volatile and manic. My sister knew it. She knew I was ill. No one else could see it until I broke into a million pieces. On the ward I could barely walk due to the drugs I was on. The whole episode very nearly killed me. One night in my bed room in hospital, on the second floor, I threw myself at the plate glass window to try and kill myself...and someone bounced off it. I literally lost everything of my previous self. But slowly I recovered. I was discharged. I went back to college. Got a job. Moved out of home. Found myself alone again. Became ill again. Wanted to die. Was living in a house share in London with a mad old woman. It was horrible. I hated my life. I had no friends. No one to reach out to. I felt I couldn't go home because I knew mum and dad expected me to be able to cope on my own. I was 24. But I had to go home. I was so sad all the time and paranoid people in the office would tell that I was mentally ill. I went to see a GP near where I was renting and he coldly asked me if I was hearing voices. I knew that if I said I was he would section me. I wasn't hearing voices but it reminded me how the system worked. And I hated the psychiatric system of Doctors sectioning you if they "think you're a danger to yourself". I was desperate for help and couldn't find it anywhere. When I resigned, my manager said kindly that it was okay, he could see that I had been struggling for some time. That was year 2000. I returned home. Dad was the saddest to see me again. To know his son was ill again. All my stuff back home on the dining table, my plants, my lamp.
I chose to sort myself once and for all. I paid for a diagnosis at a private hospital. I went through everything with the Doctor who listened intently. He said I was manic depressive. No way I said. I couldn't be. I was so saddened, shocked, angry, I felt tainted, faulty, third class.
I kept it to myself. I went to the NHS and they got all the files out. They hadn't seen me as an outpatient for three years. The kind Doctor said he knew what the problem was and he said he could "cure" me. My ears perked up. I was bipolar. Really? that's manic depressive I said. Yes it is he said. I was so gutted. I think I cried. He said it was okay. If I took the medication he was going to give me I wouldn't have cyclic periods of illness, I wouldn't feel so low and empty. He gave me 500mg of Depacote to take twice a day and 30 mg of Cipramil. I have been taking those drugs ever since. They have changed my life. No more hospital. No more Doctors....but the positive aspect of all of this is that I have been able to lead a fairly normal and pretty successful life. Having taken enormous risk with mortgage debt, buying properties through 2003 - now, I am a millionaire for what its worth. I am married to a tremendous, understanding and loving wife and I have two wonderful healthy children. Every day I live this life I remember my illness because of course it is part of who I am. I will be on the meds for the rest of my life and I do still get down, sometimes very down where I'll stare at the horizon and tears come into my eyes. I crave peace. I do feel an inexplicable sadness. But I realise that being Bipolar is only part of who I am. It used to be all I was as I battled with it. And yes I am up and down. But I cope. I don't drink at all. I appreciate the small free things. Materialism does very little for me at all. I am grateful to have made it this far. And I read about how many other people are suffering with this illness and the stigma and it does make me reflect on what can be learned from being a fellow sufferer. And the biggest lesson I have learned is not to be afraid of who you are. It's not my fault. It's just the way it is. And no I didn't get to become the person I thought I'd be at this stage in life (well known actor, writer), but that's okay. I got to be who I am instead. Lets someone else do the fame thing. I wouldn't have coped with the intrusion anyway. I guess I stopped pushing against the natural flow of my life. I stopped trying to become something that life didn't want me to become. I stopped trying to climb the ladder of life so hard that it was destroying me. Because whether it is genetic or whether it was the pressure I was under that caused that terrible breakdown, I will never know. But I am a very private man. I never talk about what I have been through, I never write about it. I tell no one. I am an island. It is my secret. Not a bad secret but still, it is no one else's business, in this cold harsh world we live in, and certainly the business world, it pays to keep it private. The only advice I have is three fold. 1. Accept who you are and be kind to yourself, you are your greatest ally. 2. Accept that the illness is where you find yourself in this life, don't fight it. And thirdly. No matter how much they zap the life out of you, no matter how much creative power they take from you, no matter how much sex drive they take from you, no matter how inwardly empty or dead they might make you feel, take the medication as an alternative to being at sea with this illness. My family loved me. During my illness. I was lucky. If you have a family, treasure them. If you have friends, you are very lucky. But take the meds. From the person you were before you became ill for the first time to the person you are today, you are the same but you are very different too. Accept the change. Today when I am alone I think of many things but mostly I think of the future. The past, some of it, was very painful. I can't believe it happened. But the future is so much more interesting. Because I don't know it yet. Whoever you are, wherever you are in the world, if you're bipolar and you having a down day, just remember there are hundreds, thousands of us, even millions maybe, feeling exactly the same as you.
|
self.bipolar
|
Seriously I have no talents. Seriously I have no talent at all, im not good at nothing I swear.
Why why man, why in the hell I am this way.
|
self.depression
|
Please help For the past three months I've been unemployed, dropped out of school, gained 20+ pounds, and moved back to my parents house. I haven't spoken to any of my friends for that time too. I have been so embarrassed of my appearance that I've been avoiding everyone and avoiding going out except when I have to. I have struggled with binge eating for years and feel like I have tried everything out there to stop and I stopped confiding in friends because of my continued failure to quit binge eating and stop gaining weight rapidly. This is one of two times that I have ever felt close to suicidal the other time was almost 10 years ago. I am just so scared I will never stop binge eating and even if I did now I still am overweight now and it will take months then to get back to my normal weight. I don't see a way out and I just could use some advice since I have no one in my life I can talk to.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm not handling the net neutrality repeal very well [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I want to talk but at the same time I am too socially nervous [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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