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I-you know, I don't wanna. | What-what-I don't... It's not natural! We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time. |
What-what-I don't... It's not natural! We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time. | I know, well, it's just that- you know, I mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice. |
I know, well, it's just that- you know, I mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice. | It's always some kind of an excuse. It's- You know, you used to think that I was very sexy. What... When we first started going out, we had sex constantly... We're-we're probably listed in the Guinness Book of World Records. |
It's always some kind of an excuse. It's- You know, you used to think that I was very sexy. What... When we first started going out, we had sex constantly... We're-we're probably listed in the Guinness Book of World Records. | I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll pass, it's just that I'm going through a phase, that's all. |
I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll pass, it's just that I'm going through a phase, that's all. | M'm. |
M'm. | I mean, you've been married before, you know how things can get. You were very hot for Allison at first. |
Uh... you-you wanna lift? | Oh, why-uh... y-y-you gotta car? |
Oh, why-uh... y-y-you gotta car? | No, um... I was gonna take a cab. |
No, um... I was gonna take a cab. | Oh, no, I have a car. |
Oh, no, I have a car. | You have a car? So... I don't understand why... if you have a car, so then-then wh-why did you say "Do you have a car?"... like you wanted a lift? |
You have a car? So... I don't understand why... if you have a car, so then-then wh-why did you say "Do you have a car?"... like you wanted a lift? | I don't... I don't... Geez, I don't know, I've... I wa- This... yeah, I got this VW out there... What a jerk, yeah. Would you like a lift? |
I don't... I don't... Geez, I don't know, I've... I wa- This... yeah, I got this VW out there... What a jerk, yeah. Would you like a lift? | Sure. W-w-w-which way yuh goin'? |
Sure. W-w-w-which way yuh goin'? | Me? Oh, downtown! |
Me? Oh, downtown! | Down- I'm-I'm goin' uptown. |
Down- I'm-I'm goin' uptown. | Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too. |
Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too. | Uh, well, you just said you were going downtown. |
Uh, well, you just said you were going downtown. | Yeah, well, I'm, but I... |
So sorry. | I mean, I can go uptown, too. I live uptown, but... uh, what the hell, I mean, it'd be nice having company, you know I mean, I hate driving alone. |
I mean, I can go uptown, too. I live uptown, but... uh, what the hell, I mean, it'd be nice having company, you know I mean, I hate driving alone. | Yeah. |
God bless. | Well, uh... You're what Grammy Hall would call a real Jew. |
Well, uh... You're what Grammy Hall would call a real Jew. | Oh, thank you. |
Oh, thank you. | Yeah, well... you- She hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money, but let me tell yuh, I mean, she's the one yeah, is she ever. I'm tellin' yuh. |
Yeah, well... you- She hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money, but let me tell yuh, I mean, she's the one yeah, is she ever. I'm tellin' yuh. | So, did you do shoot the photographs in there or what? |
So, did you do shoot the photographs in there or what? | Yeah, yeah, I sorta dabble around, you know. |
Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love. | We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat. |
We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat. | "Neat"! There's that- What are you- twelve years old? That's one o' your Chippewa Falls expressions! "He thinks I'm neat." |
"Neat"! There's that- What are you- twelve years old? That's one o' your Chippewa Falls expressions! "He thinks I'm neat." | Who cares? Who cares? |
Who cares? Who cares? | Next thing you know he'll find you keen and peachy, you know? Next thing you know he's got his hand on your ass! |
Happy birthday. | What is this? Is this a... Present? Are you kidding? |
What is this? Is this a... Present? Are you kidding? | Yeah, hey, why don't yuh try it on? |
Yeah, hey, why don't yuh try it on? | Uh, yeah, uh... t-t-this is more like a present for you, yeah, but it's- |
Uh, yeah, uh... t-t-this is more like a present for you, yeah, but it's- | Try it... it'll add years to our sex life. |
Try it... it'll add years to our sex life. | Uh huh. Yeah. Forget it. |
Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. | Constantly! I'd say three times a week. Like the other night, Alvy wanted to have sex. |
Constantly! I'd say three times a week. Like the other night, Alvy wanted to have sex. | She would not sleep with me the other night, you know, it's- |
She would not sleep with me the other night, you know, it's- | And... I don't know... I mean, six months ago I-I woulda done it. I woulda done it, just to please him. |
And... I don't know... I mean, six months ago I-I woulda done it. I woulda done it, just to please him. | I mean... I tried everything, you know, I-I-I put on soft music and my- my red light bulb, and... |
I mean... I tried everything, you know, I-I-I put on soft music and my- my red light bulb, and... | But the thing is-I mean, since our discussions here, I feel I have a right to my own feelings. I think you woulda been happy because... uh, uh, I really asserted myself. |
But the thing is-I mean, since our discussions here, I feel I have a right to my own feelings. I think you woulda been happy because... uh, uh, I really asserted myself. | The incredible thing about it is, I'm paying for her analysis and she's making progress and I'm getting screwed. |
The incredible thing about it is, I'm paying for her analysis and she's making progress and I'm getting screwed. | I don't know, though, I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it, so, you know, so I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him. But if I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings. I don't know I-I can't win. |
I don't know, though, I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it, so, you know, so I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him. But if I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings. I don't know I-I can't win. | You know... it's getting expensive my analyst... for her analyst. She- she's making progress and I'm not making any progress. Her progress is defeating my progress. |
You know... it's getting expensive my analyst... for her analyst. She- she's making progress and I'm not making any progress. Her progress is defeating my progress. | Sometimes I think-sometimes I think I should just live with a woman. |
Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Doctor. Uh, Alvy-Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine. They found a replacement, so they're going to tape without you. | I'm nauseous. Oh, jesus, now I don't get to do the TV show? |
You look very pretty. | Oh, no, I just lost a little weight, that's all. Well, you look nice. |
Oh, no, I just lost a little weight, that's all. Well, you look nice. | You see, I-I've been thinking about it and I think that we should get married. |
You see, I-I've been thinking about it and I think that we should get married. | Oh, Alvy, come on. |
Oh, Alvy, come on. | Why? You wanna live out here all year? It's like living in Munchkin Land. |
Why? You wanna live out here all year? It's like living in Munchkin Land. | Well, whatta you mean? I mean, it's perfectly fine out here. I mean, Tony's very nice and, uh, well, I meet people and I go to parties and- and we play tennis. I mean, that's... that's a very big step for me, you know? I mean... I'm able to enjoy people more. |
Well, whatta you mean? I mean, it's perfectly fine out here. I mean, Tony's very nice and, uh, well, I meet people and I go to parties and- and we play tennis. I mean, that's... that's a very big step for me, you know? I mean... I'm able to enjoy people more. | So whatta you... You're not gonna come back to New York? |
So whatta you... You're not gonna come back to New York? | What's so great about New York? I mean, it's a dying city. You read "Death in Venice." |
What's so great about New York? I mean, it's a dying city. You read "Death in Venice." | Hey, you didn't read "Death in Venice" till I bought it for yuh. |
Hey, you didn't read "Death in Venice" till I bought it for yuh. | That's right, that's right. You only gave me books with the word "death" in the titles. |
That's right, that's right. You only gave me books with the word "death" in the titles. | That's right, 'cause it's an important issue. |
That's right, 'cause it's an important issue. | Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life, you know that? I mean, your life is New York City. You're just this person. You're like this island unto yourself. |
Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life, you know that? I mean, your life is New York City. You're just this person. You're like this island unto yourself. | I can't enjoy anything unless I... unless everybody is. I-you know, if one guy is starving someplace, that's... you know, I-I... it puts a crimp in my evening. So wanna get married or what? |
I can't enjoy anything unless I... unless everybody is. I-you know, if one guy is starving someplace, that's... you know, I-I... it puts a crimp in my evening. So wanna get married or what? | No. We're friends. I wanna remain friends. |
No. We're friends. I wanna remain friends. | Okay. Check, please. Can I -can I... Can I... Can I... |
Okay. Check, please. Can I -can I... Can I... Can I... | You're mad, aren't you? |
You're mad, aren't you? | No. Yes, of course I'm mad, because you love me, I know that. |
No. Yes, of course I'm mad, because you love me, I know that. | Alvy, I can't say that that's true at this point in my life. I really just can't say that that's true. I mean, you know how wonderful you are. I mean, you know... you're the reason that I got outta my room and that I was able to sing, and-and- and, you know, get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap. Anyway,... |
Alvy, I can't say that that's true at this point in my life. I really just can't say that that's true. I mean, you know how wonderful you are. I mean, you know... you're the reason that I got outta my room and that I was able to sing, and-and- and, you know, get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap. Anyway,... | The usual, you know. Uh, tryin' t' write. I'm workin' on a play. Jesus. So whatta yuh saying? That you're not comin' back to New York with me? |
Alvy, don't! You're using sex to express hostility. | "Why-why do you always r-reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? he said as he removed her brassiere..." |
"Why-why do you always r-reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? he said as he removed her brassiere..." | There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine. My God! What would they think? |
Jesus, last night it was some guy honking his car horn. I mean, the city can't close down. You know, what-whatta yuh gonna do, h-have 'em shut down the airport, too? No more flights so we can have sex? | I'm too tense. I need a Valium. My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York. |
I'm too tense. I need a Valium. My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York. | Well, I can't li- We can't have this discussion all the time. The country makes me nervous. There's... You got crickets and it-it's quiet... there's no place to walk after dinner, and... uh, there's the screens with the dead moths behind them, and... uh, yuh got the-the Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and Terry- |
Well, I can't li- We can't have this discussion all the time. The country makes me nervous. There's... You got crickets and it-it's quiet... there's no place to walk after dinner, and... uh, there's the screens with the dead moths behind them, and... uh, yuh got the-the Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and Terry- | Okay, okay, my analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium? |
I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish. | Oh, no, no, don't be... tsch... don't be silly. You know, I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get some feeling back in my jaw now. |
Oh, no, no, don't be... tsch... don't be silly. You know, I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get some feeling back in my jaw now. | Oh, sex with you is really a kafkaesque experience. |
Oh, sex with you is really a kafkaesque experience. | Oh, tsch, thank you. H'm. |
Oh, tsch, thank you. H'm. | I mean that as a compliment. |
I mean that as a compliment. | I think-I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm, you know, to make up for empty areas in life. |
I think-I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm, you know, to make up for empty areas in life. | Who said that? |
Who said that? | Uh, oh, I don't know. It might have been Leopold and Loeb. Hello. Oh, hi... Uh, no, what-what's the matter? What-what-what? You sound terrible... No, what- Sure I- Whatta yuh what kind of an emergency?... No, well, stay there. Stay there, I'll come over right now. I'll come over right now. Just stay there, I'll come ... |
I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, "Jew." | You're crazy! |
You're crazy! | No, I'm not. We were walking off the tennis court, and you know, he was there and me and his wife, and he looked at her and then they both looked at me, and under his breath he said, "Jew." |
No, I'm not. We were walking off the tennis court, and you know, he was there and me and his wife, and he looked at her and then they both looked at me, and under his breath he said, "Jew." | Alvy, you're a total paranoid. |
Alvy, you're a total paranoid. | Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on those kind o' things. You know, I was having lunch with some guys from NBC, so I said... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?" and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?" Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it? Jew eat? |
Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on those kind o' things. You know, I was having lunch with some guys from NBC, so I said... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?" and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?" Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it? Jew eat? | Ah, Max, you, uh... |
Ah, Max, you, uh... | Stop calling me Max. |
Stop calling me Max. | Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything. |
Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything. | No, I don't! You know, I was in a record store. Listen to this- so I know there's this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and he's lookin' at me in a funny way and smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max, Wagner- so I know what he's really tryin' to tell me very significantly Wagner. |
No, I don't! You know, I was in a record store. Listen to this- so I know there's this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and he's lookin' at me in a funny way and smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max, Wagner- so I know what he's really tryin' to tell me very significantly Wagner. | Right, Max. California, Max. |
Right, Max. California, Max. | Ah. |
Ah. | Let's get the hell outta this crazy city. |
Let's get the hell outta this crazy city. | Forget it, Max. |
Forget it, Max. | We move to sunny L.A. All of show business is out there, Max. |
We move to sunny L.A. All of show business is out there, Max. | No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light. |
No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light. | Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be late for meeting Annie? |
Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be late for meeting Annie? | I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman. I think I have a few minutes left. Right? |
You fired the cleaning woman? | She was stealing. |
She was stealing. | But she's colored. |
But she's colored. | SO? |
SO? | So the colored have enough trouble. |
So the colored have enough trouble. | She was going through my pocketbook! |
She was going through my pocketbook! | They're persecuted enough! |
They're persecuted enough! | Who's persecuting? She stole! |
All right-so we can afford it. | How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more? |
How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more? | She's a colored woman, from Harlem! |
What's that? | The neighbors from hell. The kind that lay in wait. I'd rather move actually. Wouldn't I? Wouldn't I? |
You don't have any clothes on. | How nice for everybody. Come swimming. The water's glorious. You'll fix it. You'll come up with one of your brilliant ideas. |
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