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We didn't just have sex in the bathroom? | No. |
Stop this. This isn't funny. | I'm not kidding. I just got back from outside. |
I'm not kidding. I just got back from outside. | This isn't fucking funny, Dante! |
This isn't fucking funny, Dante! | I'm not fooling around! Who went back there? |
Are you sure somebody was back there? | I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus, I'm going to be sick! |
What about Caitlin? | Shock trauma. She's going to need years of therapy after this. My question is, How did she come to have sex with the dead man? |
Shock trauma. She's going to need years of therapy after this. My question is, How did she come to have sex with the dead man? | She thought it was me. |
What the fuck is this?! I want some service! | In a second! |
In a second! | Fuck in a second! This is... Look at you! You can't even pass! |
Fuck in a second! This is... Look at you! You can't even pass! | I can pass! |
I can pass! | How 'bout covering point!? You suck! |
Like you're better! | I can whip your ass. |
That's easy to say from over here. | Give me a stick, pretty boy! I'll knock your fucking teeth out and pass all over your ass. |
My point is that you're a clerk, paid to do a job. You can't just do anything you want while you're working. | "Space Alien Revealed as Head of Time Warner; Reports Stock Increase." They print any kind of shit in these papers. |
"Space Alien Revealed as Head of Time Warner; Reports Stock Increase." They print any kind of shit in these papers. | They certainly do. Two fifty-five. |
I saw one, one time, that said the world was ending the next week. Then in the next week's paper, they said we were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a Koala-fish mutant bird. Crazy shit. | So I'm no more responsible for my own decisions while I'm here at work than, say, the Death Squad soldiers in Bosnia? |
Dante, let me grab a Gatorade. | If you grab a Gatorade, then everybody's going to grab one. |
If you grab a Gatorade, then everybody's going to grab one. | So? |
So? | So? So nobody's going to want to pay for these Gatorades. |
So? So nobody's going to want to pay for these Gatorades. | What do you care? Hey, what smells like shoe polish? |
What do you care? Hey, what smells like shoe polish? | I've got a responsibility here. I can't let everybody grab free drinks. |
I've got a responsibility here. I can't let everybody grab free drinks. | What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey. |
You only brought one ball?! | I thought Redding had like three balls! |
You're late. | What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were playing hockey at one. |
What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were playing hockey at one. | The boss called. Arthur fell ill. |
The boss called. Arthur fell ill. | Why are the shutters closed? |
Why are the shutters closed? | Someone jammed gum in the locks. |
Someone jammed gum in the locks. | Bunch of savages in this town. |
Bunch of savages in this town. | That's what I said. |
That's what I said. | Shit, if I'd known you were working, I would've come even later. |
You don't want to know. | You called Caitlin again? |
You called Caitlin again? | She called me. |
She called me. | Did you tell Veronica? |
Did you tell Veronica? | One fight a day with Veronica is about all I can stomach, thanks. |
One fight a day with Veronica is about all I can stomach, thanks. | What do you two fight about? |
What do you two fight about? | I guess it's not really fighting. She just wants me to leave here, go back to school, get some direction. |
I guess it's not really fighting. She just wants me to leave here, go back to school, get some direction. | I'll bet the most frequent topic of arguments is Caitlin Bree. |
I'll bet the most frequent topic of arguments is Caitlin Bree. | You win. |
You win. | I'm going to offer you some advice, my friend: let the past be the past. Forget Caitlin Bree. You've been with Veronica for how long now? |
I'm going to offer you some advice, my friend: let the past be the past. Forget Caitlin Bree. You've been with Veronica for how long now? | Seven months. |
Seven months. | Chick's nuts about you. How long did you date Caitlin? |
Chick's nuts about you. How long did you date Caitlin? | Five years. |
Five years. | Chick only made you nuts. She cheated on you how many times? |
Chick only made you nuts. She cheated on you how many times? | Eight and a half. |
Eight and a half. | Eight and a half? |
Eight and a half? | Party at John K's-senior year. I get blitzed and pass out in his bedroom. Caitlin comes in and dives all over me. |
Party at John K's-senior year. I get blitzed and pass out in his bedroom. Caitlin comes in and dives all over me. | That's cheating? |
That's cheating? | In the middle of it, she calls me Brad. |
In the middle of it, she calls me Brad. | She called you Brad? |
She called you Brad? | She called me Brad. |
She called me Brad. | That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex. One time, I called this girl "Mom." |
That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex. One time, I called this girl "Mom." | I hit the lights and she freaks. Turns out she thought I was Brad Michaelson. |
I hit the lights and she freaks. Turns out she thought I was Brad Michaelson. | What do you mean? |
What do you mean? | She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She had no idea I was even at the party. |
She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She had no idea I was even at the party. | Oh, my God. |
Oh, my God. | Great story, isn't it? |
Great story, isn't it? | That girl was vile to you. |
That girl was vile to you. | Interesting postscript to that story: Do you know who wound up going with Brad Michaelson in the other dark bedroom? |
Interesting postscript to that story: Do you know who wound up going with Brad Michaelson in the other dark bedroom? | Your mother. |
Your mother. | Allan Harris. |
Allan Harris. | Chess team Allan Harris?! |
Chess team Allan Harris?! | The two moved to Idaho together after graduation. They raise sheep. |
The two moved to Idaho together after graduation. They raise sheep. | That's frightening. |
That's frightening. | It takes different strokes to move the world. |
It takes different strokes to move the world. | In light of this lurid tale, I don't see how you could even romanticize your relationship with Caitlin-she broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles. |
In light of this lurid tale, I don't see how you could even romanticize your relationship with Caitlin-she broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles. | Because there was a lot of good in our relationship. |
Because there was a lot of good in our relationship. | Oh yeah. |
Oh yeah. | I'm serious. Aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. That's what high school's all about-algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity. |
I'm serious. Aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. That's what high school's all about-algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity. | You think things would be any different now? |
You think things would be any different now? | They are. When she calls me now, she's a different person-she's frightened and vulnerable. She's about to finish college and enter the real world. That's got to be scary for anyone. |
They are. When she calls me now, she's a different person-she's frightened and vulnerable. She's about to finish college and enter the real world. That's got to be scary for anyone. | Oh shit, I've got to place an order. |
Oh shit, I've got to place an order. | I'm talking to myself here. |
I'm talking to myself here. | No, no, I'm listening. She's leaving college, and...? |
No, no, I'm listening. She's leaving college, and...? | ...and she's looking to me for support. And I think that this is leading our relationship to a new level. |
...and she's looking to me for support. And I think that this is leading our relationship to a new level. | What about Veronica? |
What about Veronica? | I think the arguments Veronica and I are having are some kind of manifestation of a subconscious desire to break away from her so that I can pursue the possibility of a more meaningful relationship with Caitlin. |
I think the arguments Veronica and I are having are some kind of manifestation of a subconscious desire to break away from her so that I can pursue the possibility of a more meaningful relationship with Caitlin. | Caitlin's on the same wave-length? |
Caitlin's on the same wave-length? | I think it's safe to say yes. |
I think it's safe to say yes. | Then I think all four of you had better sit down and talk it over. |
Then I think all four of you had better sit down and talk it over. | All four? |
All four? | You, Veronica, Caitlin... ...and Caitlin's fiancé. |
Did you ever notice all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie. | You know how much money the average jizz-mopper make per hour? |
You know how much money the average jizz-mopper make per hour? | What's a jizz-mopper? |
What's a jizz-mopper? | He's the guy in those nudie-booth joints who cleans up after each guy that jerks off. |
He's the guy in those nudie-booth joints who cleans up after each guy that jerks off. | Nudie booth? |
Nudie booth? | Nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth? |
Nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth? | I guess not. |
Oh, it's great. You step into this little booth and there's this window between you and this naked woman, and she puts on this little show for like ten bucks. | What kind of show? |
What kind of show? | Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening in their body... any opening. He's led a very sheltered life. |
Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening in their body... any opening. He's led a very sheltered life. | Can we talk about this later? |
Can we talk about this later? | The jizz-mopper's job is to clean up the booths afterward, because practically everybody shoots a load against the window, and I don't know if you know or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away. |
Why do you do things like that? You know she's going to come back and tell the boss. | Who cares? That lady's an asshole. Everybody that comes in here is way too uptight. This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers. |
Who cares? That lady's an asshole. Everybody that comes in here is way too uptight. This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers. | I'm gonna hear it tomorrow. |
I'm gonna hear it tomorrow. | You gotta loosen up, my friend. You'd feel a hell of a lot better if you'd rip into the occasional customer. |
You gotta loosen up, my friend. You'd feel a hell of a lot better if you'd rip into the occasional customer. | What for? They don't bother me if I don't bother them. |
What for? They don't bother me if I don't bother them. | Liar! Tell me there aren't customers that annoy the piss out of you on a daily basis. |
Liar! Tell me there aren't customers that annoy the piss out of you on a daily basis. | There aren't. |
There aren't. | How can you lie like that? Why don't you vent? Vent your frustration. Come on, who pisses you off? |
How can you lie like that? Why don't you vent? Vent your frustration. Come on, who pisses you off? | It's not really anyone per se, it's more of separate groupings. |
It's not really anyone per se, it's more of separate groupings. | Let's hear it. |
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