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Let's hear it. | The milkmaids. |
The milkmaids. | The milkmaids? |
Vermont? | Can you believe this?! |
Can you believe this?! | He didn't mention it when he called you this morning? |
He didn't mention it when he called you this morning? | Not a fucking word! Slippery shit! |
Not a fucking word! Slippery shit! | So, what-you're stuck here all day? |
So, what-you're stuck here all day? | FUCK! |
FUCK! | Why'd you apologize? |
Why'd you apologize? | What? |
What? | I heard you apologize. Why? You have every right in the world to be mad. |
I heard you apologize. Why? You have every right in the world to be mad. | I know. |
I know. | That seems to be the leitmotif in your life; ever backing down. |
That seems to be the leitmotif in your life; ever backing down. | I don't back down. |
I don't back down. | Yes, you do. You always back down. You assume blame that isn't yours, you come in when called as opposed to enjoying your day off, you buckle like a belt. |
Yes, you do. You always back down. You assume blame that isn't yours, you come in when called as opposed to enjoying your day off, you buckle like a belt. | You know what pisses me off the most? |
You know what pisses me off the most? | The fact that I'm right about your buckling? |
The fact that I'm right about your buckling? | I'm going to miss the game. |
I'm going to miss the game. | Because you buckled. |
Because you buckled. | Would you shut the hell up with that shit? It's not helping. |
Would you shut the hell up with that shit? It's not helping. | Don't yell at me, pal. |
Don't yell at me, pal. | Sorry. |
Sorry. | See? There you go again. |
See? There you go again. | I can't believe I'm going to miss the game! |
I can't believe I'm going to miss the game! | At least we're stuck here together. |
At least we're stuck here together. | You've got a customer. |
Helluva game! | One ball!! They come all the way here... I close the damn store... for one ball! |
One ball!! They come all the way here... I close the damn store... for one ball! | Hockey's hockey. At least we got to play. |
Hockey's hockey. At least we got to play. | Randal, twelve minutes is not a game! Jesus, it's barely a warm-up! |
Randal, twelve minutes is not a game! Jesus, it's barely a warm-up! | Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want something to drink? |
Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want something to drink? | Gatorade. |
Oh, my god. | Sanford's brother dates her cousin. He found out this morning. |
Sanford's brother dates her cousin. He found out this morning. | How? When? |
How? When? | Embolism in her brain. Yesterday. |
Embolism in her brain. Yesterday. | Jesus. |
Jesus. | She was swimming at the YMCA pool when it happened. Died mid-backstroke. |
She was swimming at the YMCA pool when it happened. Died mid-backstroke. | I haven't seen her in almost two years. |
I haven't seen her in almost two years. | Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't she one of the illustrious twelve? |
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't she one of the illustrious twelve? | Number six. |
Number six. | You've had sex with a dead person. |
You've had sex with a dead person. | I'm gonna go to her wake. |
I'm gonna go to her wake. | No, you're not. |
No, you're not. | Why not? |
Why not? | It's today. |
It's today. | What!? |
What!? | Paulsen's Funeral Parlor. The next show is at four. |
Paulsen's Funeral Parlor. The next show is at four. | Shit. What about tomorrow? |
Shit. What about tomorrow? | One night only. She's buried in the morning. |
One night only. She's buried in the morning. | You've gotta watch the store. I have to go to this. |
You've gotta watch the store. I have to go to this. | Wait, wait, wait. Has it occurred to you that I might bereaved as well? |
Wait, wait, wait. Has it occurred to you that I might bereaved as well? | You hardly knew her! |
You hardly knew her! | True, but do you know how many people are going to be there? All of our old classmates, to say the least. |
True, but do you know how many people are going to be there? All of our old classmates, to say the least. | Stop it. This is beneath even you. |
Stop it. This is beneath even you. | I'm not missing what's probably going to be the social event of the season. |
I'm not missing what's probably going to be the social event of the season. | You hate people. |
You hate people. | But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic? |
But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic? | Don't be an asshole. Somebody has to stay with the store. |
Don't be an asshole. Somebody has to stay with the store. | If you go, I go. |
If you go, I go. | She meant nothing to you! |
She meant nothing to you! | She meant nothing to you either until I told you she died. |
She meant nothing to you either until I told you she died. | I'm not taking you to this funeral. |
I'm not taking you to this funeral. | I'm going with you. |
I'm going with you. | I can't close the store. |
I can't close the store. | You just closed the store to play hockey on the roof! |
You just closed the store to play hockey on the roof! | Exactly, which means I can't close it for another hour so we can both go to a wake. |
Shut the hell up. | Bible truth. |
Bible truth. | Stop it. |
Stop it. | I swear. |
I swear. | Oh, my god. |
Oh, my god. | Come on. Haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick? |
Come on. Haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick? | No! |
No! | Yeah sure. You're so repressed. |
Yeah sure. You're so repressed. | Because I never tried to suck my own dick? |
Because I never tried to suck my own dick? | No, because you won't admit to it. As if a guy's a fucking pervert because he tries to go down on himself. You're as curious as the rest of us, pal. You've tried it. |
No, because you won't admit to it. As if a guy's a fucking pervert because he tries to go down on himself. You're as curious as the rest of us, pal. You've tried it. | Who found him? |
Who found him? | My cousin? My aunt found him. On his bed, doubled over himself with his legs on top. Dick in his mouth. My aunt freaked out. It was a mess. |
My cousin? My aunt found him. On his bed, doubled over himself with his legs on top. Dick in his mouth. My aunt freaked out. It was a mess. | His dick was in his mouth? |
His dick was in his mouth? | Balls resting on his lips. |
Balls resting on his lips. | He made it, hunhh? |
He made it, hunhh? | Yeah, but at what a price. |
I could never reach. | Reach what? |
Reach what? | You know. |
You know. | What, your dick? |
What, your dick? | Yeah. Like you said, you know. I guess everyone tries it, sooner of later. |
Yeah. Like you said, you know. I guess everyone tries it, sooner of later. | I never tried it. |
I can't fucking believe you!! | I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault! |
I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault! | You knocked the fucking casket over, for Chrissakes! |
You knocked the fucking casket over, for Chrissakes! | I was just leaning on it! It was an accident! |
I was just leaning on it! It was an accident! | Does anyone ever knock over a casket on purpose? |
Does anyone ever knock over a casket on purpose? | So the casket fell over! Big deal! |
So the casket fell over! Big deal! | Her fucking body fell out! |
Her fucking body fell out! | So they'll put her back in! It's not like it's gonna matter if she breaks something! |
So they'll put her back in! It's not like it's gonna matter if she breaks something! | Just... go! Go open the video store. |
What the fuck did you do that for? | Two reasons: one, I hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines. |
Two reasons: one, I hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines. | Jesus! |
Jesus! | And two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior. |
And two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior. | What? |
What? | If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. But I did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed? |
If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. But I did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed? | You're a danger to both the dead and the living. |
You're a danger to both the dead and the living. | I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny. |
I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny. | Please, get the hell out of here. |
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