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https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Movie.html | THE MOVIE
Written by
Steve Skrovan, Bill Masters & John Hayman
(Comedy club)
JERRY
What's with the age gap hiring policy
at most movie theaters? Didja
ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen...
and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you
the
ticket, she's ten. Then the... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Visa.html | THE VISA
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person
that knows the
rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the
game, moving our
pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer
is the only person
that has read the inside... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Shoes.html | THE SHOES
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment, working on the script
for the "Jerry" pilot episode.)
GEORGE
Wait a second, wait a second...and then
the butler says, "I'm not cleanin' it
up! I'm sick of cleaning!"
JERRY
That's funny, that's funny! "I'm sick
of cleaning." T... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Outing.html | THE OUTING
Written by
Larry Charles
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I don't know about you, but I'm getting
sick of pretending to be excited
every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What
is the
big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone
was born?
Every year, over and over... All you did ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Old-Man.html | THE OLD MAN
Written by
Larry Charles
(Monk's)
GEORGE
Oh, what's the point? When I like them,
they don't like me, when
they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones
I
like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?
JERRY
Well, you've only got another fifty
years or so to go before it'll
*all*... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Implant.html | THE IMPLANT
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people
today - liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking
machine. Now you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way
that this thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just
order i... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Junior-Mint.html | THE JUNIOR MINT
Written by
Andy Robin
(Comedy club)
JERRY
You can't just *have* an adultery--
you *commit* adultery. And you
can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment.
So you have to make the commitment before you can even think
about
committing it. There's no commit without the commit.... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Smelly-Car.html | THE SMELLY CAR
Written by
Larry David & Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
JERRY
...And it *is* embarrassing, because
a doggie bag means either you
are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen
the
stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about
the
doggie bag on a date? That's a good... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Handicap-Spot.html | THE HANDICAP SPOT
Written by
Larry David
(At the comedy club)
JERRY
I have a friend who is about to get
married, they're having the bachelor
party and the
bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while
she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at
a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outf... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pilot-Part-1.html | THE PILOT PART 1
Written by
Larry David
(night club)
JERRY
To me, the whole concept of fear of
success is proof that we are definitely
scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.
Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings
for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my
name is Bill, and the one thing I'm
worried about is to have... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pilot-Part-2.html | THE PILOT PART 2
Written by
Larry David
(NBC, pilot's set)
(Jerry, Tom, and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George
is standing and watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay,
Stu and Russell are sitting in the crowd's bleachers)
TOM
What do you mean made up?
JERRY
It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up.
I... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Mango.html | THE MANGO
Written by
Buck Dancer & Lawrence H. Levy
(nightclub)
JERRY
A female orgasm is kinda like the bat
cave. A very few people know where it
is and if you're lucky enough to see
it you probably don't know how you got
there and you can't find you way back
after you left.
(Monk's)
JERRY
So, what's her name?
G... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Puffy-Shirt.html | THE PUFFY SHIRT
Written by
Larry David
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry and George are waiting for Kramer, so he can help them
move George's stuff back into his parent's house)
GEORGE
I can't believe this!
JERRY
Oh, it won't be for that long.
GEORGE
How can I do this?! How can I move back
in with those people? Please,... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Glasses.html | THE GLASSES
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(nightclub)
JERRY
I never get enough sleep. I stay up
late at night, cause I'm Night Guy.
Night Guy wants to stay up late. 'What
about getting up after five hours sleep?',
oh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's
not my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay
up as late as I wan... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Sniffing-Accountant.html | THE SNIFFING ACCOUNTANT
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Jerry, George and Elaine at Monk's Cafe)
JERRY
So, does he like you?
ELAINE
What do you think?
JERRY
You like him?
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like
him. I like him a lot.
GEORGE
What's wrong with him?
ELAINE
Nothing, and I've looked.
... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bris.html | THE BRIS
Written by
Larry Charles
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1)
STAN
...And so the baby's head comes
out, and I'm screaming and my
brother who's been videotaping
the
whole thing turns green, his eyes
roll up in his head and he blacks
out, drops the camera, the camera
breaks, then, the placenta comes
flying ou... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Lip-Reader.html | THE LIP READER
Written by
Carol Leifer
(Comedy club)
JERRY
Professional tennis. To me I don't understand
all the shushing. Why are they always
shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players
know that we're there? Should we duck
down behind the seats so they don't
see us watching them? Tennis is basically
just ping-pong and ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Non-Fat-Yogurt.html | THE NON-FAT YOGURT
Written by
Larry David
JERRY
I've always been a big fan of the little
check move. You
know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total
it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the
check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm
doing here? I'm trying to be... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Barber.html | THE BARBER
Written by
Andy Robin
MR. TUTTLE
Well George we here at Sanalac like
to think of ourselves as a fairly progressive
company. We
have a small but prestigious group of clients.
GEORGE
Well a lot of people consider me small
and prestigious.
MR. TUTTLE
That's funny George. You're very quick.
I feel like I, ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Masseuse.html | THE MASSEUSE
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
(Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment)
(Elaine's on the phone with Jerry)
JERRY
No eight years isn't such a long streak.
ELAINE
It isn't?
JERRY
No I haven't vomited in thirteen years.
ELAINE
Get out!
JERRY
Not since June 29, 1980.
ELAINE
You remember the d... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Cigar-Store-Indian.html | THE CIGAR STORE INDIAN
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
Jerry's standup piece.
JERRY
You can always tell what was the best
year of your father's life, because
they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it
out to the end,
don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Conversion.html | THE CONVERSION
Written by
Bruce Kirschbaum
(Comedy club)
JERRY
You know doctor is supposed to be such
a prestigious occupation. But
it's really like one of the only jobs where you have to have
your diploma
right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't
it? "I
really am a doctor you know. You... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Stall.html | THE STALL
Written by
Larry Charles
(the bathroom)
ELAINE
what a dope!
uh..excuse me
umm.. I'm sorry
this is.. this is kind of embarrassing
but.. there's no toilet paper over
here
JANE
(from the stall on Elaine's right)
are you talking to me?
ELAINE
yeah.. I
I just forgot to check
so if you could just spare ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Dinner-Party.html | THE DINNER PARTY
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
We never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake.
Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't
believe they could land a man on the moon ... and taste my
coffee! I think we all would have been a lot happier if they
hadn't landed a ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Marine-Biologist.html | THE MARINE BIOLOGIST
Written by
Ron Hauge & Charlie Rubin
(Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the
phone)
ELAINE
(to the phone) Well did he bring it
up in the meeting?
(Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine)
JERRY
Elaine, see this T-shirts, six years
I've had this T-shirts, it's ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pie.html | THE PIE
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Monk's coffee shop, evening)
(Jerry and his date, Audrey, are sitting at a booth having dinner)
AUDREY
Hum! That was really good!
JERRY
Yeah. Are you full?
AUDREY
Oh no, I've had just enough.
(Waitress brings dessert)
JERRY
Here we go... apple pie! Best apple
pie in ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Stand-In.html | THE STAND-IN
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy Club)
JERRY
The bus is the single stupidest, fattest,
slowest, most despised vehicle on the
road. Isn't it? You ever notice when
you get behind the bus, people in your
car go 'what are you doing? get away,
come on.' The back of the bus is like
an eclipse isn't it? people ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wife.html | THE WIFE
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
Of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning
relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you keep giving
each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again.
He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you.
It's like it'... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Raincoats-Part-1.html | THE RAINCOATS PART 1
Written by
Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I really feel as human beings, we need
more training in our basic social skills.
Conversational Distance, don't you hate
these people that talk to you they talk
into your mouth like you're a clown
at a drive-thr... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Raincoats-Part-2.html | THE RAINCOATS PART 2
Written by
Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Jerry's Apartment)
(Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing
next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep)
KRAMER
So how'd you come up with the idea for
the belt-less trench coat?
MORTY
I ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Fire.html | THE FIRE
Written by
Larry Charles
(Comedy club)
JERRY
To me, the thing about birthday parties
is that the first birthday party you
have and the last birthday party you
have are actually quite similar. You
know, you just kinda sit there...you're
the least excited person at the party.
You don't even really realize th... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Hamptons.html | THE HAMPTONS
Written by
Peter Mehlman & Carol Leifer
(Comedy club)
Look at the work people do to get to the ocean.
They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the
hot sand.
Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the
ocean doesn't
even want us in there. That's what surfing is. Sur... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Opposite.html | THE OPPOSITE
Written by
Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan
(Comedy club)
JERRY
It is pretty hard to justify, at this
point in history, the existence of men
and their
handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it,
and then put it back
in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys,... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Chaperone.html | THE OPPOSITE
Written by
Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan
(Comedy club)
JERRY
It is pretty hard to justify, at this
point in history, the existence of men
and their
handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it,
and then put it back
in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys,... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Big-Salad.html | THE BIG SALAD
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
It's fascinating. When you go into a stationery store that they're
manufacturing millions of pens; constantly we're all buying them.
I must have bought six thousand Bics in my life. I've used up maybe
two of them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refri... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pledge-Drive.html | THE PLEDGE DRIVE
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
There's something very insincere about these greeting cards we
send back and
forth to each other all the time. They're like these little one-dollar
folded
paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? "I don't know what my
feelings are, so
I'll just pay ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Chinese-Woman.html | THE CHINESE WOMAN
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(The street)
JERRY
Good shave today..
ELAINE
[wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry,
I can manage these bags; really
I'm
fine.
JERRY
I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns
grow in a little..
ELAINE
Can we rest here a second.
JERRY
[pause] Yeah, I guess.
[She sits on the st... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Couch.html | THE COUCH
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
JERRY
The love seat, that's a nice little
item, there...I guess some guy
thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why
not just shorten the
furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy.
This is very flattering to
the prospective cust... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Gymnast.html | THE GYMNAST
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I've never been able to figure out why
they make these bizarre toilet seats
that they have. You know, like those
clear Lucite ones, with all the, the
coins in it? It's a lovely tribute to
our past president, by the way. It's
not bad enough Lincoln... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Mom-And-Pop-Store.html | THE MOM AND POP STORE
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I like the names they have for cars.
Like, no baron has ever owned a LeBaron.
Or the Ford LTD. "LTD." Limited. It's
a "limited" edition...what did they
make, fifty million of those? "Yes,
it's 'limited' to the number we can
sell." Or when ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Soup.html | THE SOUP NAZI
Written by
Spike Feresten
GEORGE
All right. So, what theatre you wanna
go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or
84th and Broadway.
JERRY
Which one you wanna go to shmoopy?
SHEILA
You called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy.
JERRY
You're a shmoopy!
SHEILA
You're a shmoopy!
JERRY
You're a shmoopy!
GEORGE
... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Secretary.html | THE SECRETARY
Written by
Carol Leifer & Marjorie Gross
(Comedy club)
I don't even know what, what is supposed to be attractive about
fur?
Why does a man want to see a woman in a fur? Men want women to
shave their legs, shave their armpits, pluck their eyebrows and then
before we go out, we dress them up like a bea... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Switch.html | THE SWITCH
Written by
Bruce Kirschbaum & Sam Kass
(Pro shop at Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club)
JERRY
Come on. Lets go
ELAINE
No wait, I gotta go in here and pick
up Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet.
JERRY
What's it doin here?
ELAINE
He wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk)
Here I need to pick that up
LANDIS
Hello
ELAI... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Label-Maker.html | THE LABEL MAKER
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Comedy club)
Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because
the players
are always changing, the team can move to another city, you're
actually rooting
for the clothes when you get right down to it. You know what
I mean, you are
standing an... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Race.html | THE RACE
Written by
Tom Gammill, Max Pross & Larry David
(Comedy club)
The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love/hate relationship.
All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it, and then
a week after it's just thrown somewhere, you see it by the side
of the road, it looks like a mob hit. A car s... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Scofflaw.html | THE SCOFFLAW
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
JERRY
The big new accessory with eyeglasses,
seems to be that strap, that connects
in the back so you can take 'em on and
off. Which I don't get, because I thought,
if you have glasses, isn't that because
you need to wear glasses? 'You need
glasses', isn't that wh... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Kiss-Hello.html | THE KISS HELLO
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Comedy club)
JERRY
Now, I was thinking the other day about
hair, and that the weird thing about
it, is that people will touch other
people's hair. You will actually kiss
another human being, right on the head.
But, if one of those hairs should somehow
be able ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Beard.html | THE BEARD
Written by
Carol Leifer
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Look at you. Why don't you use a fork?
You're no good with the sticks.
ELAINE
I know. I need a lesson.
JERRY
You stink. You know you stink. What
is this?
ELAINE
Oh. My ballet tickets.
JERRY
Oh. Your ballet tickets.
ELAINE
Hey, have you ever been to th... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Doorman.html | THE DOORMAN
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
JERRY
You remember a few years ago in New
York, we had the doorman strike? They
have a union, in the fancy buildings,
and they went out on strike. Now you
wouldthink, if any group of people would
not wanna demonstrate what life would
be like without them,... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Jimmy.html | THE JIMMY
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(The New York Health Club. Jerry, Kramer and George are getting
dressed)
GEORGE
That guy was amazing, he could dunk
and he was my height...What
was his name again?
JERRY
Jimmy
GEORGE
Jimmy, right.
JERRY
I dunno how you could forget . He kept
reffering to himself in ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Doodle.html | THE DOODLE
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Comedy club)
JERRY
They call themselves exterminators but
they can't really do it. The best they
can do is get the bugs to somebody else's
house. They just relocate them, y'know
what I mean, they're bug realtors is
what they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll
be happy h... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Fusilli-Jerry.html | THE FUSILLI JERRY
Written by
Marjorie Gross
(Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment
building)
JERRY
I hear you're going out with David Putty.
ELAINE
Yeah. What, is it a problem?
JERRY
Well, I think he could've asked me.
Supposed to be a friend of mine.
ELAINE
Well, I guess he figured you jus... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Diplomat's-Club.html | THE DIPLOMAT'S CLUB
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
JERRY
What's this little scam the airlines
have goin' now with these special clubs?
Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit
in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee
and soda, and read magazines. Excuse
me, but isn't this the flight? I already
got four hou... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Understudy.html | THE UNDERSTUDY
Written by
Marjorie Gross & Carol Leifer
GENNICE
(Crying) (sob sob)
JERRY
(To himself) Now what am I supposed
to do here? Shall I go over there? It's
not like somebody died. It's "Beaches"
for god's sake. If she was sitting next
to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't
be making a big move like going... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Face-Painter.html | THE FACE PAINTER
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
JERRY
Monkeys are really the end of the line
in the pet world. I think when you're
at the monkey level of pet ownership,
have a kid. I mean, come on, you know,
I mean, you're *so* close. If you need
a pet that can roller skate and smoke
cigars, it's time to thin... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Engagement.html | THE ENGAGEMENT
Written by
Larry David
(George's Apartment)
GEORGE
Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell
you what your problem is: You brought
your queen out too fast. What do you
think? She's one of these feminists
looking to get out of the house? No,
the queen is old fashioned. . Likes
to stay home. Cook. Take c... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Postponement.html | THE POSTPONEMENT
Written by
Larry David
(Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and Kramer is parking
his car )
ELAINE
Hey, good news. My dog problem has been
solved.
JERRY
Really? What happened?
ELAINE
Well, there's this rabbi in my building.
You've met him. Very nice man.
JERRY
Isn't he the one with the ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Maestro.html | THE MAESTRO
Written by
Larry David
(Booth at Monk's Cafe)
GEORGE
And then I hear this rabbi on television,
I mean imagine.
ELAINE
I'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't
jealous of you. It was just the whole
marriage thing.
GEORGE
Ya know, I was just a little surprised.
JERRY
Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wink.html | THE WINK
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Elaine's bedroom - phone rings)
ELAINE
Hello.
JAMES
This is your wake up service. It's 7:15.
ELAINE
Oh, god. OH, I could use a few more
hours sleep.
JAMES
Hot date last night?
ELAINE
I wish.
JAMES
A woman with a sexy voice like yours
its hard to believe you're wakin... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Hot-Tub.html | THE HOT TUB
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I always feel bad for the silver medal
winner in the Olympics. How do you live
with that the rest of your life? People
are gonna keep asking - How much did
you lose by? I don't even know...! It
was like...(very fast) now.now...now.now..now..was
lik... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Soup-Nazi.html | THE SOUP NAZI
Written by
Spike Feresten
GEORGE
All right. So, what theatre you wanna
go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or
84th and Broadway.
JERRY
Which one you wanna go to shmoopy?
SHEILA
You called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy.
JERRY
You're a shmoopy!
SHEILA
You're a shmoopy!
JERRY
You're a shmoopy!
GEORGE
... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Secret-Code.html | THE SECRET CODE
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Comedy club)
JERRY
They really got us trained to use that
cash machine now, don't they? We're
just like chickens in an experiment
waiting for that pellet to come down
the chute. You see people at the cash
machine; they're just there. Just, dit
dit dit dit dit di... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pool-Guy.html | THE POOL GUY
Written by
David Mandel
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
Let me ask you a question. Who would
win in a fight between you and me?
JERRY
Well, what do you mean?
GEORGE
Well if you and I ever got into, like
a really serious fight you know, and
the punches started flying -- who do
you think would win?
JERRY
W... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Sponge.html | THE SPONGE
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no
prescription in the glasses because
he thinks it makes him look more intelligent,
now why? Why do we think that glasses
makes us look more intelligent? Is it
from the endless hours of reading and
studying and researching t... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Gum.html | THE GUM
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
JERRY
(unwrapping a piece of gum) I think
gum is, is one of the weirdest human
inventions. (pops gum in his mouth)
It's not a liquid, 's not a solid, 's
not a food. What is it? It isn't really
anything, you know. I mean, it's like
a stationary bike for your j... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Rye.html | THE RYE
Written by
Carol Leifer
ELAINE
(thinking) I can't believe I'm going
out with this guy. Wow! He's so cool.
Maybe he'll write a song about me. That
would be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are
so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not
so mention your personality which is
so, so, interesting. If you want, you
can quit your ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Caddy.html | THE CADDY
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Jerry's Apartment)
JERRY
So why don't you get a locksmith?
GEORGE
I was going to, but then I found out
that the auto club has this free locksmith
service, so I signed up. Just waiting
for the membership to kick in.
JERRY
How long has your car been sitting in
the Yank... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Seven.html | THE SEVEN
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Comedy club)
Jerry's standup piece.
JERRY
I love it when people are complimented
on something they're wearing and they
accept the compliment as if it was about
them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you.
Thank you very much." The compliment
is for the tie, it's not for you, ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Cadillac-Part-1.html | THE CADILLAC PART 1
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry enters, carrying a couple of bags and his mail. No sooner
has he put his bags down than Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey! You're back!
JERRY
Oh, I'm back, baby.
KRAMER
Yeah, how was it?
JERRY
Great. One of the best jobs I ever had.
... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Cadillac-Part-2.html | THE CADILLAC PART 2
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Morty and Helen's, Florida)
Jerry is trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep on the infamous fold-out.
He twists and turns, but can't find a comfortable position.
JERRY
Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put
the bar in the middle of the bed?
Jerry continues to th... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Shower-Head.html | THE SHOWER HEAD
Written by
Peter Mehlman & Marjorie Gross
(Elaine in a doctor's office)
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a
physical because as you may or may not
know, he and I are going on a trip to
Kenya. Africa. My first such mission
for the company. The Massai bushmen
wear these great sandals and we're... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Doll.html | THE DOLL
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
(Jerry is just now getting done with his act)
JERRY
Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage,
sighing deeply. Instantly, a red-headed
woman runs up and hugs him - taking
Jerry by surprise)
SALLY
Jerry!
JERRY
(Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey!
SALLY
(Remind... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Friars-Club.html | THE FRIARS CLUB
Written by
David Mandel
(Comedy club)
JERRY
The other thing I love is when you're
in the middle of a dream, and the alarm
goes off. You incorporate the sound
of the alarm into the dream, so you
can keep sleeping. And you'll make any
adjustment in the dream to do it. I
was with Marie Antoinette in a ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wig-Master.html | THE WIG MASTER
Written by
Spike Feresten
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I really like the wig historically.
I guess the revolutionary war, the last
war fought in wig, and it seems that
it must have been hard. You know they're
going in to battle, they think.. well
do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby
pins.. and you got to ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Calzone.html | THE CALZONE
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium)
GEORGE
I believe the doors on the bathroom
stalls, here at the stadium, don't offer
much by way of privacy. But I was thinking
if we extend the doors all the way to
the floors...
MR. STEINBRENNER
All the way to the floor! What... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bottle-Deposit-Part-1.html | THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 1
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I love it when you get your car back
from the car place, and it's got that
paper mat on the floor. Like they're
so obsessed with cleanliness, they don't
even want their shoes to touch the carpet.
Meanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he
... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bottle-Deposit-Part-2.html | THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 2
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Outside Auto Shop)
Jerry and Elaine are outside the autoshop. Jerry is on the payphone.
JERRY
Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)
ELAINE
So? What'd they say?
JERRY
They're sending a detective to my apartment
tomorrow.
ELAINE
What the hell were you... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wait-Out.html | THE WAIT OUT
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(The Coffee Shop)
(Elaine and Jerry are sitting across from each other in a booth)
JERRY
New hairdo?
ELAINE
(Looking up from a menu) Yeah.
JERRY
You look like Brenda Starr.
ELAINE
Is that good?
JERRY
It's better than Dondi.
(Elaine laughs, then draws her attention to a ta... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Invitations.html | THE INVITATIONS
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I think that if the wedding invitations
were left up to the men, we'd just drive
around sticking flyers in windshields
...y' know... Not even typed up either,
just Magic Marker, Zerox, you know...Party!!..
What's needed is a divorce announcement;
Mr and Mrs... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Foundation.html | THE FOUNDATION
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
The cemetery. Jerry, George, and the Rosses are standing in front
of Susan's tombstone, which reads "Susan Biddle Ross, June 8,
1964 - May 19, 1996.")
GEORGE
Well... it's a magnificent stone.
MR. ROSS
They put it up this morning.
(pause.)
GEORGE
It's just a mag... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Soul-Mate.html | THE SOUL MATE
Written by
Peter Mehlman
George at a meeting at the Susan Ross Foundation.
GEORGE
You want me to find a poem about Susan?
May she rest in peace?!
WYCK
Well, we think it would be a nice touch
for the Foundation literature. Do you
have a favorite poet, George?
GEORGE
I like, uh...(mutters something un... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bizarro-Jerry.html | THE BIZARRO JERRY
Written by
David Mandel
(JERRY and GEORGE are eating at
an outdoor table, possibly in a
zoo.)
JERRY
All right. How 'bout this one:
let's say you're abducted by aliens.
GEORGE
Fine.
JERRY
They haul you aboard the mother
ship, take you back to their planet
as a curiosity. Now: would you
rather be ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Little-Kicks.html | THE LITTLE KICKS
Written by
Spike Feresten
(Jerry and Kramer walking down the street. Jerry is closest to
the street.)
KRAMER
I wouldn't walk over there.
JERRY
Why not?
KRAMER
It's the most dangerous part of the
sidewalk. Cab hops a curb, wap! You've
had your last egg sandwich.
JERRY
What about over there? You ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Package.html | THE PACKAGE
Written by
Jennifer Crittenden
(Elaine at the doctor's)
ATTENDANT
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
(Elaine looking at her chart)
ELAINE
Difficult ?
DOCTOR
Elaine. You shouldn't be reading that.
So tell me about this rash of yours.
ELAINE
Well it's, it's..... You know I noticed
that somebody ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Fatigues.html | THE FATIGUES
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
Jerry and a woman are eating at a restaurant.
WOMAN
Well I started out working in mortgage
bonds, but I just found that so
limiting.
JERRY
My friend Kramer and I were discussing
that same thing the other day.
He was with Brant-Leland for a while.
WOMAN
Wow. Well ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Checks.html | THE CHECKS
Written by
Steve O'Donnell, Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Street)
Jerry and Elaine come out of a drugstore. Elaine has a couple
of carrier bags
she's fussing with the contents of.
JERRY
Hey, have you seen all these new commercials
for indigestion drugs?
Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB.
ELAINE
Ugh, the whole country... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Chicken-Roaster.html | THE CHICKEN ROASTER
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack)
George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand
GEORGE
Why is there no haggling in this country?
JERRY
I guess we like to think we've progressed
beyond a knife fight for a
citrus drink.
GEORGE
Not me. Everythi... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Abstinence.html | THE ABSTINENCE
Written by
Steve Koren
(Jerry and George are sitting outside.)
GEORGE
Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying
over the Andes.
JERRY
Why are we flyin' over the Andes?
GEORGE
We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway,
the plane crashes. Who are you gonna
eat to survive?
JERRY
Kramer.
GEORGE
So fast? Wh... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Andrea-Doria.html | THE ANDREA DORIA
Written by
Spike Feresten
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's sitting at the table, reading the paper. George bursts
into the room)
GEORGE
Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving
out!
JERRY
(Gets up) Get out!
GEORGE
I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across
from mine, huh. I can't wait for you
to see ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Little-Jerry.html | THE LITTLE JERRY
Written by
Jennifer Crittenden
(Jerry and Elaine are waiting on the street for George.)
JERRY
So what happened to you yesterday? We
were supposed to go to the auto show,
I waited for you, you never came.
ELAINE
I'm sorry, I got really busy. How long
did you wait?
JERRY
Five minutes.
ELAINE
Five ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Money.html | THE MONEY
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Kramer's Apartment)
Kramer and Emily are in bed, having just finished their lovemaking.
They're
both looking very satisfied and smiling.
KRAMER
Well, that was alright, huh?
EMILY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Well, um, goodnight.
EMILY
Goodnight.
snuggles up to him and puts an arm around hi... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Comeback.html | THE COMEBACK
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Yankee Stadium, Conference Room)
A group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table.
There's a bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with
a few salad leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a
platter, dipping th... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Van-Buren-Boys.html | THE VAN BUREN BOYS
Written by
Darin Henry
(A Restaurant)
ELLEN
So, they have this clock now, where
you punch in your age, and all your
risk factors. It actually counts down
how much time you have left to live.
JERRY
So what's the great moment? You're on
your death bed, they're pounding on
your chest - and you're g... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Susie.html | THE SUSIE
Written by
David Mandel
[JERRY and KRAMER are walking down
the street at dusk.]
KRAMER
Look how dark it's gettin' already.
JERRY
Well, it's not Daylight Savings
Time yet.
KRAMER
When does it start?
JERRY
[pause] I don't know, they just
tell you the night before.
KRAMER
Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting.
[... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pothole.html | THE POTHOLE
Written by
Steve O'Donnell & Dan O'Keefe
(Bathroom)
Jerry is standing by the sink, preparing to brush his teeth.
Jenna (his latest ladyfriend) enters.
JENNA
Morning.
JERRY
Morning.
She hands him a tube of toothpaste.
JENNA
Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour.
JERRY
(applying paste to brush) Ah,... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-English-Patient.html | THE ENGLISH PATIENT
Written by
Steve Koren
(Subway Train)
Jerry and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're
both reading
newspapers, when something occurs to Jerry.
JERRY
You know at the movies, they show that
little ad for the concession
stand?
ELAINE
Where the cartoon candy's dancing and
the Milk D... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Nap.html | THE NAP
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Monk's)
GEORGE
Oh, boy I was up to four in the morning
watching the Omen trilogy.
JERRY
That's good stuff.
GEORGE
I can't to myself. I'm exhausted.
JERRY
Can you grab a nap at work.
GEORGE
Not with that big glass window looking
out into the hall. I'd love a good nap.... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Yada-Yada.html | THE YADA YADA
Written by
Peter Mehlman & Jill Franklyn
(Jerry with George and his girlfriend Marcy at Monk's.)
GEORGE
So, Marcy, you should've seen me in
the hot tub yoday.
MARCY
Why?
GEORGE
I was naked.
MARCY
Oh, George.
JERRY
I saw it.
MARCY
How'd he look?
JERRY
Okay. I wouldn't see it again.
MARCY
You kno... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Millennium.html | THE MILLENNIUM
Written by
Jennifer Crittenden
(Putumayo)
Inside a store full of ethnic merchandise. Elaine is examining
some sort of
footwear, while behind the counter Gladys is on the phone.
ELAINE
Uh, excuse me.
GLADYS
Be with you in a minute. (turns her
back to Elaine and continues into
phone) No, you should... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Muffin-Tops.html | THE MUFFIN TOPS
Written by
Spike Feresten
(Jerry and George walking down the street.)
JERRY
Hang on just let me pick up a paper.
MAN
Excuse me. Would you mind watching my
bag for a minute?
GEORGE
Yeah. No problem.
JERRY
Let's go.
GEORGE
Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.
JERRY
For how long?
GEORGE
I'm sure h... |
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