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https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Summer-of-George.html | THE SUMMER OF GEORGE
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(George and Jerry at a cafe terrace)
JERRY
Nah, you had a good run. Took them to
the World Series.
GEORGE
I got to give the players most of the
credit for that.
JERRY
Don't sell yourself short. You made
all the flight arrangements, hotels,
buses.
GEORGE
N... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Butter-Shave.html | THE BUTTER SHAVE
Written by
Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel
Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their
regular booth.
A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper
to reveal...
a moustache.
GEORGE
What is Holland?
JERRY
What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's
a
cou... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Voice.html | THE VOICE
Written by
Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel
(In the Play Now office)
THOMASSOULO
George, you're not really handicapped,
are you?
GEORGE
I've had my difficulties.
THOMASSOULO
I saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue
lifting that 200 pound motorized cart
with one hand.
GEORGE
Mr. Thomassoulo during... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Serenity-Now.html | THE SERENITY NOW
Written by
Steve Koren
(The Costanzas are driving in the car.)
FRANK
I got no leg room back here. Move your
seat forward.
ESTELLE
That's as far as it goes.
FRANK
There's a mechanism. You just pull it,
and throw your body weight.
ESTELLE
I pulled it. It doesn't go.
FRANK
If you want the leg room... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Blood.html | THE BLOOD
Written by
Dan O'Keefe
(Jerry's Apartment, 5A. Morty and Helen are packing suitcases.)
JERRY
Are you sure you can't stay longer?
MORTY
No, we just came for the funeral. `
HELEN
Poor Marvin Kessler, he went too early.
JERRY
He was 96 years old.
MORTY
That had nothing to do with it, the
man was out of s... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Junk-Mail.html | THE JUNK MAIL
Written by
Spike Feresten
JERRY, ON THE PHONE
Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh.
Chinese food!
GEORGE
Who was it?
JERRY
I did a show for a car dealership and
they're getting me a new SAAB.
GEORGE
What about your old car? They couldn't
get Kramer's blood out of it?
JERRY
No, the engine clotted. You know... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Merv-Griffin-Show.html | THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW
Written by
Bruce Eric Kaplan
(Jerry and Kramer in an alley)
JERRY
Why were you making gravel?
KRAMER
Well ... I like the sound it makes when
you walk on it.
Hey, those look familiar.
JERRY
Of course. It's garbage.
KRAMER
No, no, no, no. These brown things.
The chairs. Jerry, this is the se... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Slicer.html | THE SLICER
Written by
Darin Henry, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Elaine wakes up in bed with Jerry.)
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Morning.
ELAINE
Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like
this.
JERRY
But why?
ELAINE
I need some space.
(Elaine turns to the other side and there's George.)
GEORGE
Does that mean I have to go too?... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Betrayal.html | THE BETRAYAL
Written by
Peter Mehlman & David Mandel
(Coffee shop. George, Elaine, and Jerry enter with suitcases.
Elaine has a large bandage on her nose. They all sit down at
a booth. All three of them are tired, fed up, and angered)
GEORGE
So, Elaine, are you going to sleep with
me or what?!
ELAINE
(Aggravated) ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Apology.html | THE APOLOGY
Written by
Jennifer Crittenden
JERRY,
Any
second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready.
MELISSA,
Oh, fantastic! I'm starving.
JERRY,
How about that.
MELISSA,
Mmm-hmm.
GEORGE
She ate breakfast naked?
JERRY
She didn't even want a napkin.
GEORGE
I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bat... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Strike.html | THE STRIKE
Written by
Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & Dan O'Keefe
(Tim Whatley's apartment)
ELAINE
So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?
JERRY
Oh, sure. Without the parents, it's
a breeze.
(Elaine laughs, Whatley enters)
TIM
Hey! Happy Chanukah!
JERRY
Hey, Tim. Great party.
(Tim holds up a mistletoe)
TIM
(Suggesting a... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Dealership.html | THE DEALERSHIP
Written by
Steve Koren
(A car dealership)
(Jerry and George are looking over some cars)
GEORGE
When are they gonna have the flying
cars, already?
JERRY
Yeah, they have been promising that
for a while..
GEORGE
Years. When we were kids, they made
it seem like it was right around the
corner.
JERRY
I... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Reverse-Peephole.html | THE REVERSE PEEPHOLE
Written by
Spike Feresten
(Waitress giving Elaine her meal at Monk's.)
WAITRESS
Careful, this plate is extremely hot.
Elaine touching the plate.
ELAINE
Thank you. Ow!
WAITRESS
I just told you it was hot. Why'd you
touch it?
ELAINE
I just wanted to know what your idea
of 'hot' is.
Puddy ent... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Cartoon.html | THE CARTOON
Written by
Bruce Eric Kaplan
(Some street, Jerry and Kramer walking)
JERRY
So you're saying UNICEF is a scam?
KRAMER
It's the perfect cover for a money laundering
operation. No one can keep track of all those
kids with the little orange boxes of change.
JERRY
Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.
We see Sally fr... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Strong-Box.html | THE STRONG BOX
Written by
Dan O'Keefe & Billy Kimball
George, drinking tea in his apartment with his girlfriend.
GEORGE
I-I've given this a lot of thought.
I'm sorry, but we, uh, we have to break
up.
MAURA
No.
MAURA
We're not breaking up.
MAURA
No.
GEORGE
She said no.
JERRY
What did you do?
GEORGE
What could ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wizard.html | THE WIZARD
Written by
Steve Lookner
GEORGE
Keep it real!
GEORGE
Let's get nuts!
China is an instant page-turner?
JERRY
It's a Wizard electronic organizer
for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida
for his birthday.
GEORGE
How much was it?
JERRY
Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's
fifty. He doesn't care about the
gift. ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Burning.html | THE BURNING
Written by
Jennifer Crittenden
Elaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her
last minute
instructions.
PUDDY
Alright, be careful with the car, babe.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah.
PUDDY
And don't move the seat, I got it right
where I like it.
ELAINE
Goodbye?
PUDDY
Two and ten, babe.
ELAINE
Oka... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bookstore.html | THE BOOKSTORE
Written by
Spike Feresten, Darin Henry & Mark Jaffe
(Bookstore)
(George and Jerry both enter a bookstore)
GEORGE
I read somewhere that this Brentano's
is the place to meet girls in New York.
JERRY
First it was the health club, then the
supermarket, now the bookstore. They
could put it anywhere they ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Frogger.html | THE FROGGER
Written by
Gregg Kavet, Andy Robin, Steve Koren & Dan O'Keefe
INT. J. PETERMAN LUNCHROOM - DAY
Elaine and several co-workers stand around a table which has
a cake sitting on it.
ALL
Happy birthday to you.
WALTER
Thanks.
Everyone claps.
FEMALE WORKER
Elaine, cake?
ELAINE
Uh, no, thanks.
FEMALE WORK... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Maid.html | THE MAID
Written by
Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer,
David Mandel, Kit Boss & Peter Mehlman
INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY
George and Jerry sit at their usual booth.
JERRY
Cup of tea with lemon.
GEORGE
What happened to your voice?
JERRY
I was screamin' at hecklers all night.
The last time I open for a rodeo.
GEORGE
Wel... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Puerto-Rican-Day.html | THE PUERTO RICAN DAY
Written by
Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, Jennifer Crittenden,
Spike Feresten, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Steve Koren,
David Mandel, Dan O'Keefe, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY
The gang drives along in Jerry's car with the top down. Elaine
and Kramer sit in the back, George is shotgun, an... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Finale-Part-1.html | THE FINALE PART 1
Written by
Larry David
(Monologue, on stage)
JERRY
It seems like whenever these office
people call you in for a meeting, the
whole thing is about the sitting down.
I would really like to sit down with
you. I think we need to sit down and
talk. Why don't you come in, and we'll
sit down. Well, somet... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Finale-Part-2.html | THE FINALE PART 2
Written by
Larry David
(The four are in prison, having a meal)
KRAMER
Mmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh?
GEORGE
Would it kill him to check up on us?
No - drops off the meals and that's
it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're
still entitled to catsup.
ELAINE
I guess we could've called for help... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Cartman-gets-an-anal-probe.html | SOUTH PARK
Episode 101
"CARTMAN GETS AN ANAL PROBE"
By
Matt Stone & Trey Parker
EXT. SCHOOL BUS STOP - MORNING
STAN, KYLE AND KENNY wait in the snow for their school bus,
holding their lunch boxes and debating.
KIDS
(Singing)
School days school days, teacher's
golden-
Kyle's little brother, IKE, bounces into fr... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Weight-gain-4000.html | SOUTH PARK
Episode 102
"WEIGHT GAIN 4000"
By
Matt Stone & Trey Parker
INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING
The children all sit waiting for school to begin. Some kids
are still milling about and taking off their coats.
KYLE
Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow
this morning?
STAN
Yeah, it was huge!
CARTMAN
Oh, I hate those t... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Volcano.html | SOUTH PARK
Episode 103
"VOLCANO"
By
Matt Stone & Trey Parker
EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY
Cartman is standing outside by his mother with a bag of
camping gear at his side.
CARTMAN'S MOM
Now you be careful, Eric. The woods
can be very dangerous.
CARTMAN
Okay, mom.
A large truck pulls up, driven by Uncle Jimbo in ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Big-Gay-Al's-big-gay-boatride.html | SOUTH PARK
Episode 104
"BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOATRIDE"
by
Matt Stone & Trey Parker
EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY
The boys are waiting for their bus.
KYLE
Hey, where's the school bus? We're
gonna be late for football practice.
A dog comes walking up to Stan wagging it's tail.
STAN
Hiya Sparky!
KYLE
Who's that?
STAN
That... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Death.html | SOUTH PARK
Episode 106
"DEATH"
by
Matt Stone & Trey Parker
ACT I
INT. STAN'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Stan's Family (Father, sister and Grandfather) are seated at
a table. Mother walks up holding a birthday cake with a
ridiculous number of number of candles.
STAN & FAMILY
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthda... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Pinkeye.html | SOUTH PARK
Episode 107
"PINKEYE"
by
Matt Stone, Trey Parker & Philip Stark
EXT. OUTER SPACE
A large metal object drifts slowly through space.
TITLE: MIR SPACE STATION
INT. MIR SPACE STATION
A Russian cosmonaut floats around inside the cockpit.
COSMONAUT #1
Vlad nyet chakesfski. Bordat comrade
daboolschnet.
S... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Damien.html | SOUTH PARK
Episode 108
"DAMIEN"
by
Matt Stone & Trey Parker
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
Establishing.
INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
The children take their seats for another day of school.
Cartman is passing out envelopes to all the kids.
CARTMAN
Here you go, Kyle. And here's yours
Stan...
KYLE
(Open... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Starvin-Marvin.html | SOUTH PARK
Episode 109
"STARVIN MARVIN"
by
Trey Parker
EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Establishing.
INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The boys are all gathered on Cartman's couch watching
television. They are all laughing.
STAN
That was awesome!!
KYLE
Yeah!
Cartman's mother steps in front of the T.V.
MS. CARTMAN
W... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Mr-Hankey-the-Christmas-Poo.html | SOUTH PARK
Episode 110
"MR. HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO"
by
Trey Parker
INT. SMALL STAGE - DAY
All the adorable children of South Park are on risers singing
merrily.
KIDS
(Singing)
We wish you a merry Christmas, We
wish you a merry Christmas, We wish
you a merry Christmas and a happy
New Year!
The SONG ENDS and li... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Tom's-rhinoplasty.html | SOUTH PARK
Episode 111
"Tom's Rhinoplasty"
by
Trey Parker
ACT I
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
WENDY
Stan, you know it's almost Valentines
day...
STAN
I know.
WENDY
Maybe we should go on a cruise or
something.
STAN
I can't afford a cruise, dude!
WENDY
(Sweet)
I know, but we could make a little
boat out of cardboard, a... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Mecha-Streisand.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 112
"Mecha Striesand"
Written by
Trey Parker, Philip Stark, and Matt Stone
ACT I
EXT. ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG - DAY
The children are all gathered around a small Archaeological
dig site. A plain looking Anthropologist talks to the boys
and girls.
ANTHROPOLOGIST
And so, these ancient arrowheads ar... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Cartman's-mom-is-a-dirty-slut.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 113
"Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut"
Written by
Trey Parker and David Goodman
ACT I
EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY
Stan, Kyle and Kenny are waiting for the bus.
STAN
Dude, the bus will be here any minute
and Cartman didn't show up for school.
KYLE
Yeah, this is like the third day in
a row. I wonder wha... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Terrance-&-Phillip-in-Not-Without-My-Anus.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 201
Terrance & Phillip in "Not Without My Anus"
Written by
Trisha Nixon and Trey Parker
ACT ONE
NARRATOR
Since the last South Park, you've
waited four long weeks to find out
who the father of Eric Cartman is.
Now finally the shocking truth about
Cartman's lineage... Will not be
seen tonight s... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Cartman's-mom-is-still-a-dirty-slut.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 202
"Cartman's Mom Is Still A Dirty Slut"
Written by
Trey Parker and David Goodman
ACT I
INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB
NARRATOR
Previously, on 'South Park'...
The scene is just as we had left it on episode 113.
NARRATOR
An air of sobriety fills the
laboratory as the men of South Park
gather to find ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Chickenlover.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 203
"Chickenlover"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone and David Goodman
ACT I
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
The Booktastic Bus, a rainbow colored bookmobile, is parked
out in front of the school.
GARRISON
Okay, children. Each of you gets to
choose two books from the booktastic
bus.
CARTMAN
Re... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Ike's-wee-wee.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 204
"IKE'S WEE WEE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children. Let's take our seats.
This morning we're going to have a special
lecture by your school counselor, Mr.
Mackey
STAN
Booooo!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Nuh-now, who was that? That is no... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Conjoined-fetus-lady.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 205
"CONJOINED FETUS LADY"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman
[South Park Elementary Gym]
CHEF
Okay, children, it's Friday, and you
know what that means for PE class. We're
gonna play dodgeball!
KYLE
We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.
STAN
Yeah.
CHEF
So let's have hal... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-The-mexican-staring-frog.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 206
"THE MEXICAN STARING FROG"
Written by
Trey Parker & Matt Stone
[A television is on, and a new show seems to be on the air]
ANNOUNCER
And now back to Huntin' and Killin'
with South Park's favorite hunters,
Jimbo and Ned.
JIMBO
Hi, I'm Jimbo Kern, and this here is
Ned. Say 'Hi', Ned.
NED
... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-City-on-the-edge-of-forever.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 207
"CITY ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER"
Written by
Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental
2X07 - City On The Edge Of Forever
[A mountain pass. Ms. Crabtree is driving the kids somewhere
and is going up a hill. The kids are having a grand old time
running around and tossing paper airplanes. Cartman has an ent... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Summer-sucks.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 208
"SUMMER SUCKS"
Written by
Nancy Pimental & Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary. Class is in session]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, I know that today is
the last day of school, and that the
last day of school involves pranks,
but this is going too far! What have
you done with Mr. Hat?! Child... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Chef's-chocolate-salty-balls.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 209
"CHEF'S CHOCOLATE SALTY BALLS"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Nancy Pimental
SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL
[A small Western town. Bustling sounds are heard as the camera
slowly pans down. A crowd streams by in the background behind
a sports car and limo, and front and center are Robert Red... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Chicken-pox.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 210
"CHICKEN POX"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Trisha Nixon
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Sharon and the doctor stand before Shelley's
bed.]
DR. DOCTOR
It's a good thing we got her to the
hospital in time.
SHARON
But what's wrong with her?
DR. DOCTOR
It's chicken pox. There seems to be
a s... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Roger-Ebert-should-lay-off-the-fatty-foods.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 211
"ROGER EBERT SHOULD LAY OFF THE FATTY FOODS"
Written by
Trey Parker & David Goodman
[A television is on, and the end of an episode of Barnaby Jones
is near]
POLICE COMMISSIONER
Well, detective. It looks like ya fooled
them again.
BARNABY JONES
All in a day's work, I guess. I just
hope th... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Clubhouses.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 212
"CLUBHOUSES"
Written by
Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental
[A familiar intro plays, a playground scene. Bill plays catch
with anotheir kid, Jordan and the black kid are on swings, and
Pip is on a hobby elephant. Stan is hiding behind a tree, using
his mitted hand as a gun]
STAN
Sgt. Stanley Mar... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Cow-days.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 213
"COW DAYS"
Written by
Trey Parker & David Goodman
[A game show. The audience is applauding a couple onstage. The
host and lady assitant stand near them]
HOST
Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to
the final round. Are you ready to play
for the grand prize?
TOM AND MARY
We're ready, Bob!
... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Chef-aid.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 214
"CHEF AID"
Written by
Trey Parker & Matt Stone
[South Park Elementary cafeteria, lunchtime. Some of the kids
have their lunches. In line are Jordan, Stan, Kyle, Cartman,
Kenny, the black kid, ]
CARTMAN
Stinky britches, you've got stinky britches
Stinky stinky britches, you've got stinky-... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Spooky-fish.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 215
"SPOOKY FISH"
Written by
Trey Parker
ANNOUNCER
The following program is brought to
you in spoooky vision. Be warned: all
scenes will be accompanied by pictures
of Barbra Streisand.
[Outer Space. A ship descends and then turns towards Earth, headed
for the western U.S. As it enters the atm... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Merry-christmas,-Charlie-Manson!.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 216
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE MANSON!"
Written by
Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental
[The Marsh house. The family is in the living room]
SHARON
The answer is "no", Stanley!
STAN
But Mom, all the guys are going to Cartman's
Grandma's for the weekend!
SHARON
I'm sorry, Stanley. I can't let you
go a... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Gnomes.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 217
"GNOMES"
Written by
Pam Brady, Trey Parker & Matt Stone
[South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and the children
are rowdy.]
MR. GARRISON
Settle down, children. I have some
difficult news. This is going to make
you all very sad. The school board
is considering firing me as your teach... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Prehistoric-ice-man.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 218
"PREHISTORIC ICE MAN"
Written by
Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental
[Cartman's house. A television is heard. The screen shows an
Australian crocodile hunter narrating his adventures as a woman
pilots his boat down a river.]
AUSSIE
As we steer our boat down, looking
for these dangerous predators... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Rainforest-Schmainforest.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 301
"RAINFOREST SCHMAINFOREST"
Written by
Trey Parker & Matt Stone
[South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. A group of visiting
kids in yellow G.G.W.K. shirts stands next to Garrison]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, we have a special guest
today, a woman recruiting young people
for a national c... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Spontaneous-Combustion.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 302
"SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman
[General Store. The boys are shopping...]
STAN
Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?
KYLE
No, I don't think so.
KENNY
(How about this?)
KYLE
No, that's a hair dryer!
MANAGER
May I help you find something?
KY... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-The-Succubus.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 303
"THE SUCCUBUS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The optometrist's office. A penguin sits above the OPTOMETRIST
sign. Liane and Cartman are waiting in the lobby. Liane reads
a magazine. A poster off to one side reads "Real eyes the beauty
within."]
CARTMAN
Mom, please can we just leave?
LIANE
You ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Jakovasaurs.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 304
"JAKOVASAURS"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman
[The boys are camping near Stark's Pond. They've set up a campfire
and are roasting marshmallows. Cartman plays a harmonica]
CARTMAN
You guys, listen to this song I just
wrote. It's called, "I Hate You Guys":
[plays four no... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Tweek-Vs-Craig.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 305
"TWEEK VS CRAIG"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary. The school bell rings. Most of the third-grade
boys are in a shop room.]
VOICE
This is shop class. My name is Mr.
Adler. For the next week, rather than
your normal schoolwork, you'll be learning
how to make things. Now, does ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Sexual-Harassment-Panda.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 306
"SEXUAL HARRASSMENT PANDA"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Mr. Garrison's classroom. The kids chat away as Token enters]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, chlidren. Let's take our seats.
We have something very important to
discuss. Due to recent events around
the country I've been instructed to
teach you all ab... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Cat-Orgy.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 307
"CAT ORGY"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The Cartman house, night. Cartman's room. Cartman plays off-camera
while his plush lizard, Rumpertumskin, sits on the bed. Cartman
does all the voices...]
RUMPERTUMSKIN
Heheheheh! Now I will kill the President
and Salma Hayek!
POLLY
Oh, save me! Who wil... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Two-Guys-Naked-In-A-Hotub.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 308
"TWO GUYS NAKED IN A HOTTUB"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman
[The Marsh car, night, Randy's driving. He and Sheila take Stan
along with them. It seems Shelley has already been dropped off
at Cartman's house to babysit him.]
STAN
I don't want to go to this stupid party!
... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Jewbilee.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 309
"JEWBILEE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila are with Ike at his
changing table in his room.]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hold still, Ike! We have to get you
dressed! Where the heck is Kyle?
KYLE'S FATHER
I don't kow. Come on, Kyle! You're gonna
be late for Jew Scouts!
[... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-KoRn's-Groovy-Pirate-Ghost-Mystery.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 310
"KORN'S GROOVY PIRATE GHOST MYSTERY"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A bustling scene on a dock. A large lake is behind the dock,
a stage is off to the left, and the whole place is being dressed
for Halloween. Beyond the lake, a lighthouse looks over the scene.
At center is a booth for a radio sta... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Chinpokomon.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 311
"CHINPOKOMON"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The Cartman house, day. Cartman is watching TV and snacking
on soomething. Kitty walks up]
KITTY
Reowr.
CARTMAN
No, Kitty! These are my spicy-hot Louisiana-baked
Chicken Tenders!
KITTY
Reowr.
CARTMAN
No, Kitty!
"ASH"
Someday, I will collect all th... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Hooked-On-Monkey-Fonics.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 312
"HOOKED ON MONKEY FONICS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The Cartman house, night. Sharon brings a box into the dining
room.]
LIANE
Eric, Mommy got you a present!
CARTMAN
A present?? Is it a rocket racer??
No, let me guess: It's a Froagman Jay
doll! No wait, I know! It's a police
power chopper!... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Starvin'-Marvin-In-Space.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 313
"STARVIN' MARVIN IN SPACE!"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Kyle McCulloch
[Space. A small ship makes its way towards earth. An alien flies
the ship. It has a big brain, and its head is covered with veins
that stick out.]
MARKLAR
Marklar, this is Marklar. Approaching
Marklar.
MARKLA... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-The-Red-Badge-Of-Gayness.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 314
"THE RED BADGE OF GAYNESS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The bus stop, morning. The boys are dreassed in Union blue.
Stan bears the flag, Kyle and Kenny have fifes, and Cartman carries
a drum.]
STAN
Ready? 1-2-3-4.
CARTMAN
Hey, dude. Do you like to rock?! Yes,
I like to rock! Helloo, Baltimore... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Mr-Hankey's-Christmas-Classics.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 315
"MR HANKEY'S CHRISTMAS CLASSICS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A WSPK Channel 2 news anchorman appears]
ANCHOR
Fighting the frizzies at 11.
[Intro. Mailman Timmy, tall and lanky with a very long cheek,
walks into view]
MAILMAN TIMMY
We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny
nose,
And we all k... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Are-You-There-God,-It's-Me,-Jesus!.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 316
"ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, JESUS!"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, Main Street, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny walk towards
Tom's Rhinplasty. Some adults walk by them as a station wagon
rolls by. On the buildings are posters of Father Time and Baby
New Year.]
STAN
Dude, what are we gonn... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Worldwide-Recorder-Concert.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 317
"WORLDWIDE RECORDER CONCERT"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A promo is the first thing shown. Live-action shots throughout]
ANNOUNCER
This Saturday
POX PRESENTS
Pox presents the musical event of the new millennium!
THE MUSICAL EVENT
OF THE
MILLENNIUM
You all remember playing the recorder i... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-The-Tooth-Fairy's-Tats-2000.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 401
"THE TOOTH FAIRY'S TATS 2000"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Nancy Pimental
[The Cartman house. Liane is sipping her coffee on the sofa.
She lowers it as Cartman screams]
CARTMAN
Mom! MOOOM! Mom! Seriously! Something
wonderful has happened!
LIANE
What is it, snookums?
CARTMAN
Mom, ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Cartman's-Silly-Hate-Crime-2000.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 402
"CARTMAN'S SILLY HATE CRIME 2000"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, Monday during the day. The kids are out
on the playground. The camera pans to the right, showing kids
on the hobby elephants, the swings, and the jungle gym. It rests
on Butters holding a starting flag.]
BUTT... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Timmy-2000.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 403
"TIMMY 2000"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's classroom. The student
stream in and take their seats]
STAN
Dude, did you do all your homework last
night?
KYLE
Yeah. But there was so much of it. I
was up until two in the morning.
STAN
I know!
MR. GARRISO... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Quintuplets-2000.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 404
"QUINTUPLETS 2000"
Written by
Trey Parker
RANDY
Okay, is everyone ready to go?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, I'm so excited. I've always wanted
to see Cirque du Cheville.
SHARON
Me too. We were lucky to get tickets.
Come on, boys! We're gonna be late.
LIANE
Oh, don't they look precious?
STAN
Why d... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Cartman-Joins-NAMBLA.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 405
"CARTMAN JOINS NAMBLA"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Kneey's house, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny sit around
a Monopoly-type board game in Kenny's room]
CARTMAN
Okay, Stan, I'm gonna you... a UFO crash-landing
card! You can deny it, or cover it
up.
STAN
Dude, I don't understand this game ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Cherokee-Hair-Tampons.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 406
"CHEROKEE HAIR TAMPONS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's classroom. But this
day, a substitute teacher enters with a bag of stuff and makes
an announcement.]
SUBSTITUTE
Good morning, children. Mr. Garrison
is away today. I am your substitute
teacher, Mr. ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Chef-Goes-Nanners.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 407
"CHEF GOES NANNERS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The Mayor's office, day. The mayor is at her desk, flanked by
her assistants. Before her are Chef and Jimbo. The meeting starts]
MAYOR
Gentlemen, I understand you are here
to present both sides of an issue. I
wanna hear you both out and do this
... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Something-You-Can-Do-With-Your-Finger.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 408
"SOMETHING YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR FINGER"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A large city at night. Klieg lights pierce through the air as
a large crowd gathers in front of a large building.]
Announcer Tonight, Stellar Productions presents the boy band
of the decade! [women scream, jump, and shout. Si... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Do-The-Handicapped-Go-To-Hell.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 409
"DO THE HANDICAPPED GO TO HELL?"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, the church, day. The congregation is heard singing
along with an organ. Inside, the town has assembled for services]
CONGREGATION
I walk hand-in-hand with Jesus
Over at the park by where he lives
I tell him all my prob... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Probably.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 410
"PROBABLY"
Written by
Trey Parker
Recap
[Priest Maxi is shown at the church podium before the congregation]
ANNOUNCER
Previously on South Park...
PRIEST MAXI
Today, we're going to talk about hell.
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Saddam appears at Satan's door]
SADDAM
Hello, Satan!
SA... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-4th-Grade.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 411
"4TH GRADE"
Written by
Trey Parker
STAN
Well, here we are, dude, the first day
of fourth grade.
KYLE
Yeah. No more getting pushed around
by fourth graders!
5TH-GRADER IN MIDDLE
Get out of my way, you little dorks!
KYLE
Hey! We're fourth-graders now, too!
5TH-GRADER IN MIDDLE
Yeah, but ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Trapper-Keeper.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 412
"TRAPPER KEEPER"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, the bus stup, day. Stan and Kenny wait at the bus
stop. Kyle and Ike walk up. Ike is dressed in a little business
suit and his hair is combed]
STAN
Dude! What's your little brother doing
here?
KYLE
Ike is starting his first day of kind... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Helen-Keller,-The-Musical.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 413
"HELEN KELLER, THE MUSICAL"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A stage, rehearsal, day. Stan, Kyle, and Wendy are in costume
on stage. Stan is dressed in a white suit and bowtie, and a fake
beard and moustache. Kyle is dressed as a country doctor with
starched collar, and Wendy is dressed in white pa... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Great-Expectations.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 414
"GREAT EXPECTATIONS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The camera pans across a nicely appointed study, rests a bit,
and "SOUTH PARK classics" appears on screen as a classical piece
plays]
A BRITISH PERSON
Aaah. Dickens. The imagery of cobblestone
streets, cragging London buildings,
and nutmeg-fill... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Fat-Camp.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 415
"FAT CAMP"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's classroom. Ms.
Choksondik enters and stands before the blackboard.]
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, children, as I'm sure you all
remember, today we are going to continue
our biology lesson... b dissecting an
organism... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-The-Wacky-Molestation-Adventure.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 416
"THE WACKY MOLESTATION ADVENTURE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, day, Kyle's house. Kyle is playing football with
Ike on the front lawn. The football rests in front of Ike]
KYLE
Come on. Throw the football, Ike.
IKE
No on dahdo.
STAN
Dude! You're not gonna believe what
Cartman has!... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-A-Very-Crappy-Christmas.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 417
"A VERY CRAPPY CHRISTMAS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Kyle's house, night. The Happy Chanukah sign is up and it is
snowing.]
[Kyle's house, night, bathroom. The toilet is seen and on it
are a glass and a plate of chocolate-chip cookies. Kyle sits
in his pajamas underneath a window and next to... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-It-Hits-The-Fan.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 501
"IT HITS THE FAN"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Morning, bus stop. Stan and Kyle wait for the bus, and Kyle
arrives]
KYLE
Hey you guys! Look what I have!
STAN
What?
KYLE
Four tickets to The Lion King on stage!
STAN, KENNY
...Oh.
KYLE
Aww, come on, you guys! It's supposed
to be really cool.
... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Cripple-Fight!.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 502
"CRIPPLE FIGHT"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South park, night. Randy is driving the boys, including Timmy
on the truck bed, through the town. Stuart is with them, but
Kyle is not. The boys are in Scout gear.]
RANDY
Well, you boys must be pretty excited:
your first night of Scouts.
STAN
It's ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-The-Super-Best-Friends.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 503
"THE SUPER BEST FRIENDS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, day. People mill around, but a group of them has
gathered around a magician, tall and slender, with a severe face]
MAGICIAN
Okay, Carol, put the card you picked
back into the deck so I can't see ittwah.
STAN
What's going on?
B... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Scott-Tenorman-Must-Die.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 504
"SCOTT TENORMAN MUST DIE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Morning in South Park. Cartman is riding his Big Wheels down
the road, singing to himself. He soon reaches the bus stop. Stan,
Kyle, and Kenny are standing there]
CARTMAN
Doodoo doot doo, dadadadada daa, ya
da dadaa
Doodoo doot doo, dadad... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Terrance-&-Phillip,-Behind-The-Blow.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 505
"TERRANCE & PHILLIP: BEHIND THE BLOW"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Cartman's house, day. Cartman and his friends sit on the sofa
watching TV]
ANNOUNCER
And so, in her career filled with lies,
backstabbing, and whoring herself for
money, she learned that the price of
fame can be pleasing 65 men... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Cartmanland.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 506
"CARTMANLAND"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A bright, sunny day, with some clouds in the sky. The camera
pans down to a funeral scene in a cemetery with robust trees]
PRIEST
...And so it is with heavy hearts that
we say good-bye to Mabel Louise Cartman.
She was a good woman, a community leader,... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Proper-Condom-Use.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 507
"PROPER CONDOM USE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on
a hill — Jennifer Lopez doll with car, and some damage from the
firecracker last time.]
STAN
"So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez!"
KYLE
"No, no, please! This time I swear
I won't make a... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Towelie.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 508
"TOWELIE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Stan's house, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are in the living room
playing video games.]
KYLE
HA! I killed you!
STAN
HA, I blew your head off!
KENNY
(Aw, Goddamnit!)
STAN
Jesus, is Cartman still in the bathroom?
KYLE
Hey Cartman! We're almost to level 20... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Osama-Bin-Laden-Has-Farty-Pants.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 509
"OSAMA BIN LADEN HAS FARTY PANTS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Bus stop, day. The four boys stand at the bus stop waiting for
the bus. Each of them wears a gas mask. The boys are silent.]
KYLE
: ...Remember when life used to be simple
and cool?
CARTMAN
...Not really.
BUTTERS
Uh, hey! How's i... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-How-To-Eat-With-Your-Butt.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 510
"HOW TO EAT WITH YOUR BUTT"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary School Gym, day. Stan is seated on a stool
none too pleased before a backdrop of a meadow. Behind the photographer
are the kindergartners and Mr. Adler's class]
PHOTOGRAPHER
Okay, now lift your chin a little.
Look r... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-The-Entity.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 511
"THE ENTITY"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Denver International Airport, day. Inside the terminal people
are in long lines waiting to get their tickets or get on a plane.
Mr. Garrison waits in line to have his bags scanned.]
MR. GARRISON
Jesus Christ, these lines are ridiculous!
I'm gonna miss ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Here-Comes-The-Neighborhood.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 512
"HERE COMES THE NEIGHBORHOOD"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day. Butters stands in front of the class
witha small volcano - his science experiment.]
BUTTERS
...And so, just like in nature, ah I
can add the mixture into the volcano
and...
O Pele! God of Fire! Show us you ... |
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/South-Park-Kenny-Dies.html | "SOUTH PARK"
Episode 513
"KENNY DIES"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Unplanned Parenthood, day. It has undergone renovation, so it
looks softer. It's snowing outside]
[Inside, operating room. A woman is waiting on a hospital bed.
She's quite pregnant. A doctor enters the room with a cart housing
everything he needs for ... |
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