Split (1)

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In the dictionary, under "asshole," it says, "See him." Why am I here? We're gonna play some music for you right now. Here we go. Here's a little James Brown coming your way. Baby, help me, please. ["I GOT YOU (I FEEL GOOD)" PLAYING ON RADIO] [SCREAMS] [AS JAMES BROWN] Back again. [LAUGHS] Sugar and spice. Ha, ha. So nice, so good. [SCREAMS] Tell them, James. Hurt them now. Ha, ha. Good God, help me. Work through it. Oh, sir, Walter Cronkite lives in New Jersey. - It was a joke, sir. - Yes. - Sarcasm, sir. - Up in Bergen County. KIRK: A form of humour, sir. LEVITAN: Hackensack. KIRK: Yes, sir.
LEVITAN: How the hell do I know? KIRK: We're happy with him too, sir. Yes, I'm sure that wasn't Walter Cronkite. KIRK: I will tell him, sir. - Didn't I speak to you before? Okay, sir, thank you. CRONAUER: Very good. All right, now. All right, let's recap now, okay. If someone is not telling the truth, you say that they are full of... STUDENTS [IN UNISON]: Shit. MAN: Shit. Okay, if someone is making you angrier and angrier, therefore, you have... STUDENTS [IN UNISON]: Pissed me off. MAN: Pissed me off. Okay, join the others if you can. All right, let's see. If you say that, hey, some people in a car, some gypsies, they cut you off. All of a sudden you... STUDENTS: Flip them the bird. - A bird.
Very good. Okay, now we got a special situation right now. There's a Puerto Rican waitress. She comes over, brings you a red soup. She's got some tomato soup. Oh, she slips, she spills it on your brand-new gabardine pants that you paid more than a coloured TV for. You're a little angry, so you say to her... Minh? Uh, look what you did. And goddamn it and stupid and crap. That's stupid, you don't call someone crap. No, you step on crap. You don't call it to a person. You can step on crap. I know you can. Yes, but they can be full of shit, he said. No, no, you see, you step in shit, you can be full of crap. I'm pretty sure you can step on crap. I once saw it in a French movie. How can some person look like a shit? - It impossible. CRONAUER: Let's stop with that. We can stop with the debate on the great caca right now. Let's try a very special situation. Wilkie, something special, okay? You go into a restaurant, okay? A waitress comes up to you. You're wearing your best new suit. She comes up, she spills soup all over you, looks at you like,
"I'm sorry. What're you gonna do about it, asshole?" What do you say to her? What would you say? They spilled something on your pants, what would you do? I do nothing. Come on, Wilkie, it's cursing class. You're getting pissed off. What would you do? I just remain reticent. Okay, she goes in the kitchen, she gets a knife, she starts stabbing you. She's stabbing you. She's putting forks in you. She's got spoons in your eyes, Will. They're starting to cut you with knives, putting spoons in your eyes. What would you do, Will? What would you do? I'm waiting to die. Mr. Cronauer, we like your lessons better than the book's. - Soon we play baseball? - When you teaching us softball? We have to have training. When I think you're ready, I'll try. - Where are you come from? - Queens. Bayside, Queens. - What are queens? - Tall, thin men who like show tunes. No? Big men with moustaches named Mary who wear mascara.
[SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] Yeah. [SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] What is a lakai? Relax already, crazy American. I made a date with you and Trinh tomorrow. - You did? - Nearby the larch tree, near Viet Hoa. By the food and flower vendors where you burn your mouth on the noodles. - Where's that? - The noodles, remember? - When you burn your mouth. - Oh, gosh, yeah. But I warn you, you not like it when you get there. You say it ridiculous. Why? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Hi. Hi. Oh, God, this could be very ugly. Hi. Chaperons. In Vietnam, family often come to meet someone, to meet someone. Hello, hey. Well, the gang's all here, huh? Ha, ha. Oh, God, help me. This is wonderful. Well, you know, you're very beautiful. And you're also very quiet.
And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. I go out with girls who talk so much you can hook them up to a wind turbine and they could power a small New Hampshire town. You talk, I think, very much. Well, you see, I'm not used to going on a date with a grand jury, and it makes me a little nervous. I don't want makes you nervous, Cronauer. I know you very nice. And for trusting, you is the best of the gently of what you say of never to be for both the same and another. Well, I had you there, babe, but then you lost me at the end. Hey, hey. Hey, Uncle Phil. Here you go, there you go. Hey, got one? For you. Hey, there we go, for you. Here we go, for you all. Knock yourselves out. What's one-thirteenth of a dollar among friends? Come on. No problem. They're having a great... Hey, listen, I know there's no way. But it doesn't mean we can't have a few laughs. Hey, I'll take whatever you can give because I'm just happy to be with you. You want to see a movie or something? - We must to ask the people. - Hey, it's no problem. Attention, shoppers. People, people, settle. CRONAUER: "Under the Boardwalk," you know that one? "Shout" by the Isley Brothers, you know that?
- You know any American songs at all? - "Puff the Magic Dragon." You know "Puff the Magic Dragon"? Will you sing it? [SINGING] Puff, the Magic Dragon Living by the tree That's wonderful. Hey, 12, please. Um... [BOTH SPEAK IN VIETNAMESE] [SINGING ""BEACH BLANKET BINGO"] [DUBBED IN VIETNAMESE] [SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] My thoughts exactly. Why can't I read this? It's what's going on here now. They'd never approve of that being released. That's censorship, Edward. That's not what America's all about. We're not in America, sir. Can we please not get into this right now? You're in the middle of a show. You could put amphetamine freaks to sleep with this shit. "Got an agreement on Guam." Sounds like bird droppings. Here's something exciting: "Hubert Humphrey visits Capitol Hill." A children's story. - I'm reading this. - No, I can't let you do that. Edward, don't you ever do anything that's not by the book? Not when I get into trouble. No, I don't.
Eddie, sometimes you got to go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun. What's that? Come on. Take some chances once in a while, Edward. That's what life's all about. - Find anything? - No, I'll have to make something up. Hey, we're back. That last two seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest single: "Walkin' in the Wind." And now here are the headlines. [MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE] Here they come at you right now. Pope actually found to be Jewish, Liberace is Anastasia, and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. The East Germans today claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank. Also, the pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products. An incredible thing. Yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope. That's right, Pope-on-a-Rope. Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you. Ethel Merman today uses a test to jam Russian radar. Here's a brief test of that jamming. [SINGING AS ETHEL MERMAN] Oh, I've got a feeling That love is here to stay When asked for a reply, the Russians went, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "What the hell was that?" [MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE] [IN NORMAL VOICE] Here's a news flash:
Today, President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill. The bill basically said that his daughters could not drive in a convertible on highways. Hey, we got a great show coming your way today. Former Vice President Richard Nixon's in town. That's right, the big Dick is here. Get ready. I think there's an incredible coincidence here. I think he sounds exactly like Mister Ed. You be the judge. [AS NIXON] I tell you this. [NORMAL] Now, listen. [AS MISTER ED] Wilbur, come in the room. An incredible coincidence, some more songs. Moving on, moving on into the dawn with the dawn-busters, yeah. ["IT'S ALL RIGHT" PLAYING ON RADIO] The requests will be taken pretty soon. Requests? Where am I gonna take requests? Where can you call from? [SOLDIER] I'm in a phone booth out in the DMZ. I'm trying to call you right now. [IN VIETNAMESE ACCENT] Lock 'n' loll, baby. Lock 'n' loll. Vee. Again, we've got our friend from military intelligence. Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here? [SLOWLY] We found out that we can't find them. They're out there, and we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, what do you use to look for them? [SLOWLY] Well, we ask people, "Are you the enemy?"
And whoever says yes, we shoot them. It's very difficult to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie. They're all named Nyugen or Doh or things like that. It's very difficult for me. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you. Is it true that you've actually...? You're actually too close to some of the nerve agents they were testing? [SLOWLY] Nerve gas? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes, have you used any? [SLOWLY] Well, once, yes, on myself. And it had no... [SCREAMS] ...no effect on me. I've had no actual... [SCREAMS THEN SPEAKS GIBBERISH] Whoa, big dogs. Big dogs landing on my face. I don't know what that means. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, that's it for me. That's the end of the Adrian Cron-Hour, but I'm gonna turn you over right now to Mr. Warmth, Dan "The Tan" Levitan. Ha, ha. Thank you so much, Adrian. Adrian Cronauer, GIs, a wacky and welcome addition... Nixon's press conference. Well, wait till you hear it. He's this far from sincerity. Oh, no, man, listen. Let me just feed my face. Just a moment, come on. - Where do you imagine you're going? - Just gonna get a little something to eat.
You don't have time. You'll stay here and drink instant beverage or something. We promised our listening audience Nixon highlights by 4 p.m. I've been on the air for four hours. I'm hungry. That's a joke, right? I get it. No, I'm actually hungry. Well, I'm actually giving you an order. Oh, it's an order. In that case, gentlemen, let's edit. Thank you. Mm-mm. Campbell's. Aha! Earl, oh, you again. No more fighting, okay? Oh, you got it. James, nice, shiny green suit. You look like an Oriental leprechaun. You like it? I got it in Hong Kong, home of the shiny green suit. NIXON [OVER RADIO]: There is no place for neutrality or a neutralist sentiment in South Vietnam. As I leave Vietnam today there is no doubt, certainly, in my mind... Hey. That's Nixon. NIXON [ON RADIO]: --whether the Vietcong will be defeated, NIXON [ON TAPE]:
and that this war will be won. Mission does involve... I think very appropriately. ...as you have suggested, give and take. CRONAUER [ON TAPE]: Well, I didn't make that suggestion, sir. NIXON [ON RADIO]: The United States has no right to give. Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape? I don't know, lieutenant. NIXON: --territory to the Communists. CRONAUER: Thank you for that concise political commentary, but I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal for the men in the field. How would you describe your testicles? NIXON: They're soft, they're shallow - and they have no purpose. - Oh, my God. CRONAUER: What, sir? - Oh, my God. NIXON: They lack the physical strength. CRONAUER: How would you describe your sex life with your wife, Pat? NIXON [ON RADIO]: It is unexciting sometimes. CRONAUER: Have you considered a sex change?
There is an operation that... Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this. CRONAUER: --a very well-hung Chihuahua. Mr. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, it's rumoured that you smoked marijuana. Are you planning, sir, to take some of the marijuana back to the United States? How would you do that? NIXON [ON TAPE]: By plane, by helicopter and also by automobile. CRONAUER: I was wondering if you could do your Mister Ed, because... Cut that thing off. I said cut it off. GARLICK: Sir. - Where is Cronauer? DREIWITZ: Still eating, sir. I want to see him ASAP. What, sir? - As soon as possible. - VG, sir. We interrupt to bring you an emergency selection of the Benny Goodman Orchestra. HAUK: We simply need to consider taking him off the air. TAYLOR: Lieutenant, we get hundreds, maybe thousands of calls and letters each week, fan mail. He's the first man in the history of Armed Forces Radio to get fan mail. Every GI in this country is glued to his radio twice a day at 0600 hours and 1600 hours to hear that lunatic.
Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency. He did a very off-colour parody of former VP Nixon. I thought it was hilarious. Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man. Bullshit. I know Nixon personally. He lugs a train load of shit behind him that would fertilise the Sinai. I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch, and I consider him a good, close personal friend. Let's get down to business here, general. What is going on here? We've got a mounting crisis in this country. We've got a deejay that the men dearly love. If you two have personal problems, solve them, will you? Thank you, lieutenant. Thank you, lieutenant. Speak your piece, Dick. Due respect, sir. I have over 15 years command experience in this Army. Do you really expect me to run this radio station with nothing to say and no way to do it? Right now, yes. Yes, sir. DICKERSON: This is not over yet. Why you still here? Sparky. Sitting back, having a cup of formaldehyde. You say after you go out with Trinh, you meet me to talk about her. - Nothing to discuss, she doesn't like me. - Yes, she do. - No, she don't.
- She do liking you. She want to meet you today. She's not far from here. - I can't, I gotta be back on the air... - You have to meet her today. - Otherwise, you miss your big chance. - I don't wanna miss my big chance. Yes, come, we go. Sound like you learned English from Tonto. "We go." TUAN: Come on. - Okay. I still can't believe she really wants to see me. Yeah. I guess that beach movie really impressed her, huh? I gotta get her something. - What about bananas? - No. No, that doesn't say the right thing. You're right. How about...? [WOMAN SCREAMING] MAN: Oh, my God! [SIREN WAILING] [WOMAN CRYING] God! [SOLDIER BLOWS WHISTLE] DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Four-twenty-seven as far as...
Oh, my bar! Why? Who do that? MP 1: Get back. MP 2: Dead. CRONAUER: You can't just leave them. - This boy's gone, soldier. MAN: Let's go. MP 1: Come on, get back. Get back. DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Fire 4, there's a fire in the landing on the outside of the building. Hey, where's he going? What do you think you're doing? You're forbidden to read anything not checked. - What? I was there. - Airman, you know the rules. If this is legitimate, it must go through proper channels. Listen, it's an actual event. Where do you think this came from? I just wanna report the truth. It'd be a nice change of pace. - What's going on here? - Sir, will you listen to me?
Not official news. Far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen. - It did happen... - You shut your mouth. What are you afraid of? People might find out there's a war? This news is not official, airman. You want everyone going under the assumption it's safe here. It's not. The fighting's not in the hills. It's downtown... I said it is none of your goddamn business. I see your point. I'm sorry. I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners. I get a little dizzy. Thanks for setting me straight. It'll be okay. DREIWITZ: --coming up at the top of the hour. That about wraps it up for me, Marty Lee, filling in for my buddy, vacationing Eddie Kirk, who, despite all your requests, will return tomorrow. Right now, it's once again time for the King Kong of Saigon, Adrian Cronauer. [YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam. Hey, I know it's not the morning, but that's my trademark and "good evening" sounds too depressing. Hey, we're going right now to the news. [MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE] From England, today, Princess Margaret threw a shoe. Easy, Madge. Also Elizab...
Queen Elizabeth, Liz... Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor. She's still married after six months. Way to go, Liz, hey. All right, in Saigon today, according to official sources, nothing actually happened. One thing that didn't officially happen was a bomb didn't explode at 1430 hours, unofficially destroying Jimmy Wah's Café. - Get him out of there. - Three men were unofficially wounded. And two men whose identities are still not known were unofficially dead. - Break the goddamn door down. CRONAUER: Police, ambulance and fire department responded at what's believed to be unofficial at this present moment. Turn the power off in that studio. McPHERSON: It's... - Turn it off now. I just wanted to think that you should... DICKERSON: The man should be court-martialled. You think this is the most serious set of affairs I have to address? It's not. I can't believe you're gonna pass on this. The man is a goddamn subversive. TAYLOR: He made a mistake. DICKERSON: Mistake, sir? I don't wanna be around when he broadcasts U.S. troop movements. I run the station according to strict guidelines set by military intelligence.
Military intelligence? There's a contradiction in terms. Sir, the man is a walking keg of dynamite. In the eight weeks he's been on the air, general, he's disobeyed orders as to style and content. He's read unofficial news. What's he gonna be like in six months? What's he gonna be like when he's ten times as popular, general? How easy is it gonna be to get him off the air then? CRONAUER: Who will do the Cronauer show? Well, Hauk can do it, sir, till I find a replacement. Okay, for now, suspend him. Sir, you've made the correct choice. [AS ED SULLIVAN] Here she is, Diana Ross and the Suprawns. [SINGING AS DIANA ROSS] Set me free Why don't you, babe? Set me free Why don't you, babe? You don't really need me You just keep me steaming on [AS ED SULLIVAN ] Let me introduce the members of the band. Larry, Pisces. Thank you very much. [SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] - What'd he say? TUAN: He say you drink too much already. Well, tell him I drink so I can be this funny. [BOTH SPEAK IN VIETNAMESE] TUAN: It's not funny at all, he said. Tell him, thanks. It's nice to bomb in another language.
You will sick if you drink some more. Come on. My village not too far from here. You could come there for resting. You could see how we live. Listen, Sparky, I don't think seeing your little production of Our Town is gonna cheer me up. - You see Trinh there. - I'll drive. Red leather, yellow leather, red leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather... Sir, sir, reading the news is one thing, but this stuff you wrote, it's not funny, sir. It's sad. Sir, I'm begging you. Don't try to do comedy. It's not in your blood. I'll do fine. Comedy is what you make it. I've got pages and pages of great material. Right, Abersold? I'm afraid you're gonna be hitting bottom, sir. If it isn't funny, then why did I hear you laughing when you typed it? I was thinking of something else. Thank you for your support. Now I've got a show to do. - Sir, you're not funny. Ask around. - Ask me. Sir, with all due respect, I think you're gonna...
You might lay an egg. I mean, a big egg. I mean, I know funny, and I don't think you're it. But, hey, such is life. Me, I'm not much with power tools. Hey, that was the great exciting sound of Petula Clark. - Beach Boys. Those were guys. - Of the Beach Boys. Hey, that wraps it up for me, Marty Lee Dreiwitz. Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment, but, boy, do I have a surprise for you. Don't build him up. You'll let them down. DREIWITZ: Please welcome to the microphone, the lieutenant of laughs, the officer of oral, the Westmoreland of wit, swinging Steven Hauk. Hello, Vietnam, and greetings. Soon, the news. Then... [IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT] Lieutenant Steve, Lieutenant Steve? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Who's that? [AS FRENCHY] It's your old pal Frenchy. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Frenchy, let me ask you, do you like good food? [AS FRENCHY] Oh, but of course, the French love good food. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, then I guess that would make you an Eydie Gorme. [BICYCLE HORN HONKS] [AS FRENCHY] Oh, Lieutenant Steve. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, Frenchy. [AS FRENCHY] Oh, Lieutenant Steve. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Frenchy... You know, I really shouldn't kid Frenchy, because sometimes he Stan Getz...
[BICYCLE HORN HONKS] ...mad at me, and he could Al Hirt me. [BICYCLE HORN HONKS] [AS FRENCHY] Lieutenant Steve, let's play some music. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay, Frenchy, what would you like to hear? [AS FRENCHY] Well, uh, I love a good polka as much as the next man. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, a good polka it is for my good friend Frenchy. [POLKA MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] I think some apologies are in order. [BLOWS WHISTLE] You're not gonna continue this broadcast, are you, sir? CRONAUER: What are they doing? - Oh, they're Buddhists. They're sitting for peace, wisdom and knowledge. They're waiting for enlightenment. [OXEN MOO] This man lose one son from blasting American mine. His father and brother was killed by French long ago. I think that's not fair to him. [RELATIVES SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE] [BABY CRYING] CRONAUER: Look. It's cool, no big deal. Look. [SINGING NONSENSE] Look, up there. Pull. [MIMICS GUNSHOT] Pull.
[MIMICS ENGINE] You not understand, you not. We no future together, Cronauer. My country maybe no future. Hey, I like you. I just wanna be your friend, okay? - I know it sounds dumb. - I not can do this, Cronauer. No. No friend, Cronauer. Not comfort for me. My brother, okay, friends, but Vietnam ladies, not friends. Please, okay? - Not friends. - Of course. Great week. SERGEANT: Move out. Go. Get off. Go, go, go. That's about as good a polka as you'll ever hear. No, I don't think that Cronauer is going to be back in the air, sir. - You want Cronauer back on the air. - You want him back? We want Cronauer... We've gotten duffel bags filled with information asking for Cronauer's reinstatement. The men all hate Hauk. They want Cronauer back. He's an exhilarating personality, and polkas are just no substitute.
I think that I see a pattern forming here. Sir, these letters are unequivocal. E.g., "Hey, Hauk, eat a bag of shit. You suck." That's pretty much to the point, sir. Not much grey area in this one. GARLICK: We got one call from some guy in Wichita who thought Hauk was visionary and interesting. The other 1,100 calls said that the man can't do comedy to save his dick. That's a direct quote, sir. I've taken 90 calls this morning. They just don't like Hauk. GARLICK: From a Marine in Da Nang: "Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls." I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me. I think the troops are trying to tell us something, fellas. HAUK: Sir, if it is my programming choices, I can change. I've been broadcasting the polkas because I thought a certain segment of the men weren't represented by Cronauer's broadcasts of rock 'n' roll. But I can easily play an occasional Gary Lewis record. It doesn't make a damn whether you play polkas or don't play polkas. Military politics. Nothing personal. The men like him better than they do you. He maliciously and with purposeful intent read unofficial news. No, no, no. He made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Now, this thing is a delicate balance over here, and I don't want it dependent on a disc jockey.
The men want him back. I want him back. Sir, you heard from the men who don't like my humour, but what about the silent masses who do? And as far as polkas, they are a much maligned musical taste. You don't know whether you're fucked, powder-burned or snake-bit. I don't care about polkas. They're rioting in Hue. We're bringing in thousands of troops every month. Terrorism's on the uprise in Saigon. The problems of this country have not one goddamned thing to do with whether you play polkas or don't play polkas. The men want him back. I want him back. Reinstate the man. Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny. Thank you, lieutenant. - There you are, sir. - Please, don't call me "sir." It just came down the pike. You're back on the air, sir. - I'm not going on. - What do you mean, you're not going on? If you don't understand, you should take my English class. I'm not going on. You're a very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed. You'll be bored, you know. - What are you gonna do? - I don't know. I may go downtown, look for a Vietnamese man named Phil. Or I may just stay here and listen to old Pat Boone records.
Try and find some hidden meaning. Because, basically, I believe that that man is a misunderstood genius. Genius? What are you saying to me? I'm saying I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people telling me what I can't say. "This news isn't official. That comment is too sarcastic." I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon. And there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of. So fuck it. Sorry. - Is he all right? - No, Phil, he's not all right. A man does not refer to Pat Boone as a beautiful genius if things are all right. - Sir. - Garlick. I'd like you to collate these one-minute spots prior to broadcast. You have a problem with that, young man? Absolutely not. - I live to collate, sir. - Good. So do I. [CRONAUER HUMS "GET A JOB"] - Get a job. - Get a job, again. "Get a job." Right. We got it, you're cooking now. - Sir? - Edward.
GARLICK: I'd like an explanation. - On anything in particular? - A lot of people went to the mat for you. Thousands of guys wrote in, called in, trying to get you reinstated. And I literally think that you owe it to all of them to get your ass back on the air. If you haven't noticed, the Army doesn't really want me, Ed. Been harassing me since the day I got off the plane. So what? It's the guys in the field that matter, remember? Those are the guys that are dying. Edward, I tried to tell the truth and they kicked me off the air. I screw up once more, Dickerson sends me into the field. I come home in a box. What you do is important to a lot of people. Forget it, will you? Listen, I give up. I'm gonna phone it in, okay? Enough bullshit. I'm out of here. See you. - I'll buy you some lunch. - Can't let you do that. CRONAUER: If I don't get to class, there's gonna be Vietnamese speaking in choppy sentences. - Look, we gotta talk now. - Not now, man, come on. I can't believe you. What? That's it?
You're gonna leave the fucking thing. Leave everything fucking hanging. People are depending on you. Edward, please. That's two nasty words in one year. - Forgive me. - Hey. CRONAUER: You wanna give me a ride, or am I gonna have to buy another bike? You're pissing me off. SOLDIER 1: What the hell's the holdup? SOLDIER 2: Check it out. Garlick, will you cut it out? You're beginning to sound like a priest in a '40s movie. "We are not firing you. The boys are depending on you ." - Gentlemen. - What are you doing, Ed? Hey, guys. Guess who the hell I got in here. - Don't do this. SOLDIER 3: Groucho Marx! SOLDIER 4: Senator Dirksen! SOLDIER 5: Hey, Curly! SOLDIER 6:
Moe. GARLICK: Guess again. Oh, bag it, bag it, Garlick. The fellow I got in here is the gentleman, the one and the only king of the airwaves, You're a dead man. GARLICK: Adrian Cronauer. SOLDIER 7: Peterson, get up here, man. I think we got Cronauer here. Hey, Cronauer, say, "Good morning, Vietnam." Oh, give me a break, man. It's too hot for radio shit, okay? - Come on. - Come on. How do we know it's Adrian Cronauer? Okay, I'll give her the best shot. [YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam. SOLDIERS: Yeah! All right. - All right. - Cool. Yeah. - All right. - We love you, Cron. - All right. - Yeah. All right, this is Adrian Cronauer.
I'm on at 6:00 and again at 4. We'd like to welcome you to Vietnam, the country that is more stimulating than a strong cup of cappuccino or an espresso enema. That one's coming at you now. First, our fashion report from Special Forces Sgt. Ernest Lee Sincere. [EFFEMINATELY] Thank you. I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle. Why? Because it matches with the green, I don't... The leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Here's a news flash coming right now. [MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE] We can't afford the teletype. Here it is, coming for you now. Quick news flash. Former President Eisenhower, actually cartoon character Elmer Fudd. He was quoted as saying, [AS ELMER FUDD] "Thank you, America. It was fun being president." [IN NORMAL VOICE] Gina Lollobrigida has been declared the Italian national mountain range. [AS GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA] Look out, I don't see the sun anymore. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Let's play a little game. Who can tell me who sang the song "My Guy"? - Where you from? SOLDIER 8: Boston. Boston. You know who sang the song "My Guy"? SOLDIER 8: Yeah. Shit, I can't think of it.
Thank you for playing. "Yeah, shit, I can't think of it." That's right. You don't win the case of fish balls and lizard testicles. Thank you for playing anyway. Here it is right now. What's your name? Patrick O'Ma... O'Malley. [IN IRISH ACCENT] Patrick O... O'Malley. I don't know. I'm just so happy. I'm O... O... O... O'Malley. He's good... Oh, he's good. I mean, I don't know. It's the Irish boy. I'm just so full of semen. I haven't gotten laid yet. I'm certain that I'm a Catholic boy, and I don't know when I'll be getting laid. I'm just going off to Vietnam. - [NORMAL] Where you from? O'MALLEY: From the Village. [EFFEMINATELY] Nice to have you here. Nice to have you here in Vietnam. Obviously, you just said, "I'll join the Army, and be with people in green."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hi. What's your name? - Jimmy Wilkes. CRONAUER: Wilkes. - Where you from? WILKES: New York. Oh, two boys joined together. All of a sudden, "Well, I got drunk. All of a sudden, I went for a tattoo. Next thing you know, I'm on a fucking truck. What happened?" It's like, "Wow, baby. I don't know what's going down." You're both from New York. Nice to have you, you like hanging out? - Where you going to? - Nha Trang. You gotta be careful, Jack. That's some heavy stuff. That's like Newark after dark. You gotta watch out. That's some heavy shit going down, baby. You'll feel like George Wallace campaigning in Harlem: [IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] "Hi, have you seen my face?" [IN NORMAL VOICE] What music do you like? Little Anthony? SOLDIER 9: Yeah.
SOLDIER 10: Stones. SOLDIER 11: I like James Brown. - You like James Brown. Yes, sir. [AS MICK JAGGER] Oh, you like Mick Jagger? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Do you think he looks like a negative of Little Richard? Really, and that hair. [AS MICK JAGGER] All right. Gentlemen, I don't know... Oh, my God, these lips. My God, they're moving. I'm gonna flap my eyebrows to death. Look out, I'm singing, everybody. I'm singing. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, get out of here. Watch out. - Where are you from? - I'm from, uh, Cleveland, man. Cleveland? Vietnam's not that much of a change for you, then. Aw, no. Ha-ha-ha. You guys take care of yourself because you all look like, "I don't know what's gonna happen, man. I don't know." - What's this thing on your helmet? SOLDIER 12: Why don't you try it out?
Well, "Why don't you try it out." Look at this, look at that. It says... What sizes you got? You got large, medium and Caucasian. Look at this thing. A little Italian party favour there. Oh, no, Bozo, boys and girls. Look at this thing. This is going like, "Yeah, check it out." Hold on, how big is this thing? Hold on, how big is this? Black man's going, "It's just for the tip. That's all I need is the tip." It's a bathing cap. I just like to put a bathing cap. Remember, this is the Vietnamese word "Con Dum." Look, Italian moon launch. There. Whoa, jeez, it almost blew up in my face. There's prophylactic everywhere, man. It's not a pretty picture. There's pieces of rubber all over his face. I don't know what to say. You guys, be careful. What's your name? - My name is Lewis Striker. CRONAUER: Striker. - Thank you. SOLDIER 13:
Sean Donum. - Donum. SOLDIER 14: Jay Snyder. Feels like the Mouseketeers show. Annette, Cubby, Roy. Well, you guys, you take care of yourselves. I won't forget you. All right, guys, let's say goodbye to the radio star! We're out of here. SOLDIERS: All right! Bye, bye-bye. [SOLDIER'S YELLING INDISTINCTLY] SOLDIER 15: We love you, man. All right! [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] [SOLDIERS CHEERING] CRONAUER [YELLS ON RADIO]: Good morning, Vietnam. Hey, it's another delightful day here in vacation land. [AS GLINDA] Everybody, time to get up. Get up, wherever you are. [IN NORMAL VOICE] That's right. Rise and shine, rise and shine. Got some songs going out right now to a couple of guys on the road to Nha Trang. You know what I'm talking about. Hey, Mr. O'Malley, O'Malley. You know, the Irish Dolby twins.
They're out there. Special song going out to you right now. ["WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD" PLAYING ON RADIO] [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] [SINGS "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"] That was Louis B. Armstrong, the great Satchmo. DICKERSON: Wanna interview some GIs in the field, sir, and play those tapes on the radio? God only knows what they'd say, sir. It involves Cronauer, which makes me suspicious immediately. An Loc. And Cronauer would definitely be going along? Hold on a minute, sir. G2, Corporal Tiser, sir. One moment. SOLDIER: Yes, sir. Route 1 A, sir, is the only route to An Loc, sir. - Does that road have a secure status? - No, sir, it does not. - That road is Victor-Charlie, sir. - It is definitely not a friendly area. Negative, sir. It is not. It is hazardous and has been for about 48 hours. Heavily fortified and considered very unsafe, sir. Thank you. Sir, I recommend we issue a 24-hour pass. CRONAUER: So this is the country where they grow rattan love seats.
God, is it hot. What a country. Heat, humidity, terrorism. Still, it's better than New York in the summer. Hey, fellas, how's the cough-drop business? You know, we haven't passed too many checkpoints since Chon Thanh. CRONAUER: Why do you make every town sound like a Mexican restaurant? "Britain imposed an oil embargo on Rhodesia today after that country's unilateral declaration of independence. Gambia, Singapore and the Maldive Islands join the United Nations. Seretse Khama becomes the first premier of Bechuanaland. DREIWITZ [ON RADIO]: All-star rookie Pete Rose's three hits..." CRONAUER: What do you think you'll do, Ed when you get out of the Army? GARLICK: I learned enough about radio stations. Maybe I can work in a station back home or something. GARLICK: Give me your best shot. Lay something on me. Give it a go, give it a go. This is Eddie Garlick coming to you live from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon. Now funkify it. Give me some real funk. - Give it to me, Edward. - This is Eddie Garlick, com... Good morning, Vietnam. You're listening to Eddie Kirk on AFRS. I have a big special...
[KIRK SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO] KIRK [ON RADIO]: "Shuffle Off to Buffalo," "The Sidewalks of New York." "Chattanooga Choo Choo," "Meet Me In Chicago," "I Left My Heart in San Francisco," of course, "Moonlight in Vermont," and many, many more, but we need to hear your requests. So send in your postcards to Eddie Kirk, right here. [SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE] Hey. You fine. How you are? Take you home. You come out. No problem. Take you home. Safe now from VC. Hi, this is Marty Lee Dreiwitz at Cronauer Control Centre. Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment and I'll be filling in until he arrives, hopefully, sometime this morning. Right now, let's play a song from Adrian's own playlist, one of A.C.'s favourites. ["BABY PLEASE DON'T GO" PLAYING ON RADIO] It's going to be an exciting day of listening and learning, so please, tune in. "Sukiyaki," "Volare," "The Portuguese Washerwoman," and "Third Man Theme" on the Kirk International... [SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE] [SENTRY SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE] What's up? I try to find Cronauer. He don't show up in class. He didn't show up for work today either. You know anything about this? Listen, jerk off, we're here fighting for your country.
Now where do Cronauer go? An Loc. His pass say An Loc. An Loc? Shit. CRONAUER: You okay? GARLICK: Yeah. - Yeah. You okay? - No. Come on, pal, we'll make it. - Well, how about that? - Hold on. - The VC, the fucking VC. - Tell me something I don't know, okay? GARLICK: How far you think we've gone? CRONAUER: Ten, 15 miles? GARLICK: You think we've reached Cambodia yet? CRONAUER: How can you fight a war in this shit? I don't know where they are. I don't even know where am. Can't see dick. Like hunting with Ray Charles. TUAN:
It okay! You can come out now! Didn't you hear? I cannot find you unless you talk to me. It's too dangerous staying here. You don't believe it's me? Okay. Flip them the bird. Tuan? Hey, there you are, Cronauer. - How the hell you find us, Sparky? - Your jeep. We're obviously not in Cambodia. [ENGINE TURNING] GARLICK: Try it again. [ENGINE TURNING] CRONAUER: Shit. GARLICK: One more time. [ENGINE TURNING] Goddamn it. Our jeep gets blown off the road and his van won't start. That's great. You know why we ended up in the same place? - Why? - Your limp pulled us to the right, we're going in circles. Stick with me, I don't wanna go around again. CRONAUER:
We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto. [HELICOPTER WHIRRING IN DISTANCE] Listen. Somewhere over there. There it is, man, yo! [CRONAUER YELLS] Taxi! Yo, GI! Hello, sailor, hello! Hey! LEVITAN: To avoid razor-burn problems, always rinse you razor with cold water instead of hot. You skin will look and feel a whole lot better. That's it for Hygiene in the Heat. Tomorrow we'll... DICKERSON: Welcome back. Well, thank you, sergeant. I've missed you. [CHUCKLES] I'm informing you that you're out of here. I want your bags packed and ready to go tomorrow afternoon. You don't have the power. I'll take this to the authorities. I am the authorities, you moron. Oh, I got your pansy-ass in a sling now, Cronauer. Who's Tuan? The guys who flew you in radioed they picked up a South Vietnamese boy with you and Garlick. Who is this South Vietnamese boy? He's a friend from my class who risked his ass to save my life.
A friend? Your friend is a VC terrorist. [SCOFFS] Yeah, and my mother is a werewolf, right? Tuan is also known as Phan Duc Tho. He's currently wanted by the South Vietnamese police in connection with several bombings in the area, including the one at Jimmy Wah's. Surely, you're familiar with that incident. Do you ever wonder how a young South Vietnamese boy gets into and out of VC-held territory? It's dangerous out there. Things just jump out at you. And yet this boy can get in and out without a scratch. And what about Jimmy Wah's? Didn't you ever wonder why you were pulled out just moments before the whole place blew up? Or are you normally not that inquisitive? Friends of Phan Duc Tho. These three were executed shortly after this photo was taken. Your friend is next. I don't recommend that you tangle with me on this one. There's not too many high-ranking officers who would be sympathetic to a serviceman with links to terrorists. The Army is kind of quirky that way. A conviction on a charge of treason against the United States carries with it penalties on the stiff side, if you know what I mean. I have arranged for an honourable discharge provided you leave without incident. - Ten-hut. - At ease. Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing. Goddamn it, I like you, son. I like what you do. Most of all, I like what you've done for the men. But facts are facts. This could give the Army a black eye.
I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son. Sir? What about the show? TAYLOR: We'll handle it. I'm sorry, son. Why'd you do this? I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humour. I don't like what you say or how you say it. From now on, the fighting men of Vietnam will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear. You're on a DC-8 from Tan Son Nhat Airport tomorrow at 1830 hours. I recommend you pack quietly. That's all I have for you, airman. You know, you're in more dire need of a blow job than any white man in history. Whoa, there, Dick, put the brakes on. I wanted to wait until the airman left to talk with you. Uh, Dick, I'm transferring you. - Transferring me, sir? - Mm-hm. Where to, sir? You're going to Guam. Guam, sir? There's nothing going on in Guam. Why Guam? Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times because I thought you was a little crazy, but you're not crazy, you're mean. And this is just radio. [CHUCKLING SOFTLY] "More dire need of a blow job than any white man in history." That's funny. WILKIE:
Hey, teacher. When are you gonna teach us to softball? Listen, I gotta talk to you. Now. Come on. - Mr. Cronauer, I must... - Oh, Minh, not now. - You gotta tell me where your brother is. - I don't know. Listen, his life is in danger. You gotta tell me where the hell he is. - No, I don't know. - Bullshit! Listen, no more games, okay? The Army knows about your brother. I have to leave the country because of my association with him. They have pictures of him. If they find him, they will shoot him. If you wanna continue to have a brother, you take me to him now! [CAR HORN HONKS] Tuan. [BOY SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] Phan Duc Tho! Get back here! [CROWS] I know about the bombings, Sparky. No wonder you hauled ass. You were my friend. I trusted you. [YELLS] You hear me?
TUAN: You naive man, Cronauer. You take a stupid side. Now you have to go. It's better off. That's not the fucking point! You understand me? I fought to get you into that bar, and then you blow the fucking place up! Listen. I gave you my friendship and my trust and now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy. Enemy? What is enemy? You killing my own people so many miles from your home. We not the enemy. You the enemy. You used me to kill two people. Two people died in that fucking bar. Big fucking deal. My mother is dead. And my older brother, who be 29 years old, he dead. Shot by American. My neighbour, dead. His wife, dead. Why? Because we not human to them. We only little Vietnamese. And I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Loc. Wait... We're here to help this country! The fuck you going?
It's unbelievable. Five months in Saigon, my best friend turns out to be a VC. This will not look good on a résumé! - You guys mind if I drive? - Be my guest. [ENGINE GRINDS] It's a simple rule. If the engine's humming, it's already started. Never fail you . You guys mind if we make an unscheduled stop? I got something I gotta do. MP: If you attempt to deviate from the planned schedule, you're under arrest, Cronauer. CRONAUER: Okay, everybody, let's play ball! Go into conference. That point. That fence. - Okay, here we go. MP: No batter. No batter. Heading north. Let's go whether it's a double or a daiquiri. WOMAN: Come on. CRONAUER: All right! Thank you. A little conference here, Wilk.
A little conference, time-out, everyone. This, Cronauer, not a real baseball. It much smaller and harder than this one. You got me there, Wilk, because... I'm sorry, we have no budget, you see. And I gotta get on a plane and we have to do with what we can. - Give me your hand. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you all the same. Thank you all the same, and... - You wanna take the ball? - No. Okay, we gotta play, Wilk. You're pitching. I want to turn in the ball to the original place. Okay, let's take one more ball here. - This one's a better one. - No. No. No need. We haven't got a real baseball, Wilk. Bear with me, okay? - We haven't got the money, pal. - Anyway. - Okay, that one, okay? - I said that this a very good substitute. Okay, let's just play with the substitute, then, okay? - Okay. CRONAUER:
Okay. - That's a deal. - It's a deal? Take the ball, will you? I'll give you money if you take the ball. - No. I'm sorry. - No? - Okay. - I'm... Can we have...? Is there a psychiatrist here? [CROWD APPLAUDING] [CROWD CHEERS] Yeah! Run, run, run! MP: Okay. He's not out till you have both halves of the ball. Keep your eye on the fruit. That's it, eye on the fruit, Minh. Eye on the fruit, on the fruit. - Yeah, go, run, Minh! Run! - Come on, come on, give me the ball. Minh! Keep going! Keep going! She's actually going home. - That's it.
We're having a good time. MAN: All right! Wilk, Wilk. Look, you got a base, take it. Yes! CRONAUER: You all played a good game. Yeah, me too. Hey, hey. When you look like Goliath so like you beware of some David. [SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] MI NH: Thank you. Oh, Mr. Cronauer, we say thank you for your fine teaching about softball. And we learned a lot from you. And we wish you good luck and success. - Thank you, Wilkie. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you, thank you. - Can you give me a minute? MP: Oh, okay. Man, he's gonna say goodbye to the whole goddamn country now. I want to say goodbye before you go. To tell you, thank you for being so kind. So many things not happen the way you want them. You're so good person, and I could not with you. We are so different.
I say tomato, you say cây tomat. See you. [ENGINE GRINDS] Staggers the imagination. - Makes me unique, doesn't it? - What a plus. Flip them a bird! SERGEANT: Left, right! SOLDIERS: One, two, three, four. Three, four. SERGEANT: Left, left, left, right, left. Left, left, left, right, left. Three, four. The left, left, left, right, right, right. It was a pleasure making your acquaintance, sir. Thanks. CRONAUER: Will you cut that out? We're the same rank. What will I do without you, sir? [IN BRITISH ACCENT] Well, you carry on, Montesque. "Carry on, Montesque. Carry on." I like that. Makes me feel, uh, British or something. [IN NORMAL VOICE] I got something here for you. I want you to play this.
It says goodbye to everybody staying behind. GARLICK: I'll take care of it pronto, sir. - You could get in trouble for that. Requisitioned for a name change. "Trouble" is actually my new middle name. I'm gonna give you the old chuck on the shoulder now. It's a stupid thing to do, isn't it? You take care. All right? Your fly is open. Made you look. [YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam. This is Eddie Garlick coming to you live from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon. It's 1629 hours here in Saigon and Airman Adrian Cronauer is going home today. But he left a farewell message for all you guys out there still sweating it out in the fields. So without further ado, here's a farewell extravaganza. CRONAUER [YELLS ON TAPE]: Goodbye, Vietnam. That's right, I'm history. I'm out of here. I got the lucky ticket home, baby. [CRONAUER SINGING "RAWHIDE" ON TAPE] Yeah, that's right. The final Adrian Cronauer broadcast. And this one is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon. Remember, the people who brought you Korea. That's right, the U.S. Army. If it's being done correctly here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army. [SLOWLY] I heard that.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You're here, good to see you. [SLOWLY] I'm here to make sure you don't say anything controversial. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Speaking of things controversial, is it true that there is a marijuana problem here in Vietnam? [SLOWLY] No, it's not a problem. Everybody has it. [EFFEMINATELY] I don't know. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Leo, Leo. [EFFEMINATELY] Adrian, take care of yourself. I just want you to know one thing, if you're going to be dressing in civilian clothes, don't forget pumps. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you. Thanks for these. Oh, these are special. [EFFEMINATELY] They're ruby slippers. Put these on and say, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home," and you can be there. [IN NORMAL VOICE] I hope. I hope we all could. VINCENT: This is where the wealthy and the powerful rule. It is her world, a world apart from mine. Her name... is Catherine. From the moment I saw her, she captured my heart... with her beauty, her warmth and her courage. I knew then, as I know now, she would change my life... forever. CATHERINE: He comes from a secret place, far below the city streets. Hiding his face from strangers, safe from hate and harm. He brought me there to save my life. And now, wherever I go, he is with me in spirit, for we have a bond stronger than friendship or love. And although we cannot be together, we will never, ever be apart.
¶ ¶ They're going to find you. Come on. Get away! Follow me. Hurry. Come on. (car horn honking) There. Yeah. He's here somewhere. Who are those guys chasing you? They're from Riddley. Riddley? The foster home, Riddley Hall. They whack you and pretend they're helping you. It's a slime pit. They catch me, I'm dead meat. What do you mean? Kids even disappear. Disappear? That's what they're trying to do to me. Think they're gone? I don't know. Hey, where you going? Far away from Riddley. (screams) Let me go! Shut up! Let me go!
Let me go! VINCENT: You see, at this point, the wall appears solid, but when pressure is applied here, it swings inward. Good. Good. We can't be too cautious. Now how soon can we get this in place? The stones are being cut. Ah, Kipper. You're late for your lesson. I know. I'm sorry. What's Father teaching you, now? Chess. Training another student to beat you? Mm? No, no. To beat you. Ah. (chuckles) Eh? Oh, Kipper takes this game very seriously. VINCENT: Kipper, what's troubling you? Something that happened. Tell me. This kid was being chased and I helped him hide. Who was chasing him? Two men from the place called Riddley. Riddley?
It's a foster home. He said bad things happen there. Kids got whacked. Kids even disappeared. I wanted to bring him down here. I wish I could have. What happened to this boy? The men grabbed him, they dragged him away. Kipper, do you think this boy was telling the truth? Hmm. Vincent. Are you well? Yes. I've missed you so much. Are you well? I hadn't heard from you. Something's wrong. What is it? When I see you, Catherine, I'm filled with a happiness sweeter than anything I've ever known. And at the same time, I'm reminded of a life that can never be. And I feel great pain. I know. So do I. (sighs) Vincent... what will we do? The only thing we can do and endure the pain and savor every moment of the joy. We don't have much time, Catherine. I need to tell you something very important. The children below speak of a place called Riddley.
Riddley Hall? The foster home? Yes. It's supposed to be a very good one. No, Catherine. Children are being hurt there. Are you sure? I believe they are. These children have no one to protect them. We can't let them hurt the helpless ones. They must be made to feel safe. How can this be, how can this happen? If children are being abused in this place, I can stop it. I'll look into it. Right away. Be careful, Catherine. An anonymous tip? Someone reliable with access to information. Riddley's supposed to be a model place. One of the good ones. Supposed to be? Look, I can't have you snooping around some foster home right now. I'm already juggling seven cases, all going to trial, and I'm going to need you on the Talsky case. Talsky case, Joe? It's all routine. Joe, you don't need me on that anymore. It's all paperwork from here. Cathy, we go to trial next week. There's going to be press coverage.
I'm going to need you there to keep an eye on the witnesses. It's all routine. I could do it in my sleep. Yeah? In your sleep? Your bed that big? Knock it off. (sighs) Joe, this is important. I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't. I've got good reason to believe there are serious problems at Riddley Hall. (sighs) We're talking about kids, Joe. Do you hear me? It can't wait. Radcliffe, do I hear your biological alarm ringing? I need to check it out. All right. Okay, fine. Go check it out, but make it fast, okay? You know, you're not working with your father's cushy law firm anymore. We've got plenty of work to do right here. Okay, Thank you. Okay. Hey... Buddy of mine in undercover said he saw you walking in the park last night. Have you lost your mind? Just out for some fresh air. (ball bouncing and whistle blowing)
Can I help you? Yes. I'm Catherine Chandler, with the District Attorney's office. Oh. What can we do for you? I would like to have a look around. Do you have an appointment? No, I don't. Let me see if Mr. Barnes is able to see you. That's all right. If you'd like a tour of the facilities, I'd be glad to show you around. I'm Richard Barnes, the administrator. Catherine Chandler. Why don't we start upstairs. So, you're with the District Attorney's office. That's right. What brings you here, Ms. Chandler? Well, we're making a survey of the city's foster care systems. Well, we truly try to do the best we can for the children. You've got a good reputation. As I said, we try. This is a typical dorm room. Everything clean, in order. We stress that. I can see. Well, um, I'd like to see a classroom. Oh, certainly. Right this way. Good morning, Mr. Barnes.
I guess you could say we run a tight ship. It looks that way. They're remarkably well-behaved. How do you do it? Structure. We give them structure. Now, shall we go elsewhere? I think kids need a sense of structure. You know, especially these kids. Hello. Let me show you the play area. You know, I'd like to talk to a few of the children. All right. I'll get some of them together. No, I could just walk around for a few minutes. You don't mind? Well, of course not. You know... Ms. Chandler, we're not perfect, but compared to the squalor and depravity that some of these kids come from... Riddley's a positive force. Thank you for the tour, Mr. Barnes. No problem. Keep an eye on her, will you? Hi. What's your dolly's name? Suzie. Where does Suzie live? Does Suzie live here with you? No, she lives with her mommy and daddy and little sister, but she comes here to play with me sometimes. Does she have fun when she comes here?
You know, I'm not supposed to talk to strangers. What? Did you want to tell me something? They took Peter. He didn't run away. They took him. Who? What do you mean? They made him disappear. Okay, let's start over. What's your name? Eric. Are you crazy? Come on. Wait. She's my sister. What's your last name? Shut up, Eric. CATHERINE: No, I don't have his last name. His first name is Eric. No. I can't go out there. I've been out there, that's the point. I want to talk to him away from Riddley Hall. Well, when can I get the transfer order? Tomorrow? Could I talk to your supervisor? (scoffs) And when will she be back?
All right. Tomorrow morning, first thing. I'll be there to pick it up. Bureaucracy in action. The rule's designed to protect the child from being moved are the same rules that prevent the child from being moved to safety. Sounds perfectly logical. Unless you're the kid stuck in the home and being abused. He's got to wait. Makes me furious. What are you gonna do? Wheels won't turn any faster. Well, I'm out of here. Hey, you've only put in 12 hours today. Good night. Listen, if there's anything I can do. No, just stay as cynical as you are. Good night. Where you going? Got a date. Well, that's okay, I was busy anyway. (woman singing opera) (applause) Cathy... I asked how the job was going. It's been a long time. We've missed you. I'm sorry, Margaret. It's going fine. As she prowls the mean streets battling evil and corruption wherever it raises its ugly head? Something like that.
I think what she's doing is terrific. Something she feels passionate about. I knew I could count on Greg to defend my honor. Well, here's to passion, wherever you find it. Do me a favor-- when you find it, let me know. So, what's going on with you and Greg? Nothing. Nothing? Really? Seems like a really nice person. He is a really nice person. So? So that's about it. No chemistry, huh? No chemistry. There's nothing you can do about that one. Too bad. I mean, where are all the really great guys? Before I got divorced, they were everywhere. (sighs) What happened? Did they all go underground? Is Mr. Barnes in, please? Just a minute. I'll check for you. Oh. Good morning. Good morning. It's a transfer order from the Department of Child Social Services. Yes, I see.
You, uh, want to move a boy named Eric, no last name. What's this about? I'm not free to discuss that. Well, we have a few Erics here. This one has a sister here. Um, then we have a problem. What problem? Eric and his sister ran away last night. Where are they? I've got people out looking for them right now. Have you notified the police? I notified Child Social Services. May I use your phone? Certainly. Child Social Services, please. Yes, this is Catherine Chandler with the D.A.'s office. Have two children from Riddley Hall-- a brother and a sister-- been reported missing in the last 24 hours? Thank you. I'll be back. (door opening) You're being transferred. To where? To a home that suits you better. You don't like it here, so I'm taking you someplace else. What about my sister? She's being transferred, too. Let's go. I told you to wait. Ellie! They're splitting us up!
Come on. (Ellie screaming) Let go of me! Stop! No! Where are you taking my brother? Hey, hey, cool down. Nobody's going to hurt you, nobody's going to hurt your brother, okay? As long as you behave yourself. But listen now, I don't want no scenes on the way over. You make it hard for me, I'm going to give you your brother's head on a stick. Joe, I want a search warrant. Forget it. What have you got? Where's your probably cause? Did you see any bruises? Have you got any corroborating witnesses? I've got the word of a kid. Who ran away. You don't even have the kid. Cathy, you've got nothing. I'm not giving this up. I'll go back on Talsky, but I'm not giving this up. Look, here's a list of witnesses to be notified and prepped for tomorrow. Please. (ballgame playing on TV) This is Ellie. She's staying with us. Hey, Deb... help her get settled. Take care of her.
Make Ellie feel at home. Come on, I'll show you where we sleep. Go with her. He's a problem. Well, he'll have to do some thinking about that. He'll have to decide how he's going to act here. Leave me alone. Go in. You from Riddley? Yeah. There are others here from Riddley. You can sleep on that one. What is this place? It's not so bad, if you can learn quick and don't make too many mistakes. It's better than living on the street. Sometimes we have fun. That's right. We're sort of a family here. Families hang together, look out for each other. Nobody's going to hassle you. We wont let them. But you gotta look out for us. And don't even think about making trouble here, 'cause you don't ever want to see me get mad. Ask Deb about that. CATHERINE: What else have you got on Richard Barnes? Nothing. The guy's is Mr. Clean, Cath. There's got to be something else. Can you get me a list of kids at Riddley?
I'll try. (beeping) All those Child Social Service files are sealed. That's the way those people operate. Oh, Edie, I've got to find that boy. Those kids didn't run away. I don't know what happened, but I feel responsible. There's got to be another way. Breaking into sealed files? That's just about impossible. Impossibles are what you do best. Yeah, I should be making more money. VINCENT: Catherine. I felt you sadness. Vincent... Don't lose heart, Catherine. (voice breaking): The children I was trying to help... they're gone. And I don't know what happened to them. I'm afraid I did more harm than good. And I feel like I failed them. You haven't failed. You haven't given up, and you won't, will you? I know there are terrible things going on at Riddley. If I can just find that boy, I can begin to unravel it. The ones who prey on children steal everybody's hope. Don't give up, Catherine. I won't.
That's one think you can count on working for the city-- 12:00 comes and everybody runs to stuff their face. Looks pretty empty. Let's do it. This gets me fired, I'm moving in with you. Deal. Indefinitely. I must be crazy. Tell me I'm crazy. I only think I'm doing this. You're not crazy. What we're doing has got to be a felony, right? What's that-- six months in the slammer minimum? A year. Wonderful. Here it is. (door opening) I thought you said... Keep looking. I'll handle it. There you are, you handsome devil. I've been looking all over for you. I've got to have these names verified by 2:00 this afternoon. Can you help me out? Mm, after lunch. EDIE: What you got on that sandwich? Those sardines? Anchovies. Anchovies? You know what they say about anchovies, don't you?
No. What? I'd join you for lunch, but... I can't find my diet wafer. I know I had one in my purse. I've got to ask you a personal question. What kind of cologne are you wearing? Cologne? No, I'm not wearing any cologne. EDIE: Oh, come on, nobody just smells like that naturally. Oh, you know what? I'm going to be back in five minutes. I just remembered something that I forgot to do. If I don't do it, I'm going to get in trouble. I'll be back. NAJ: All right, look, those two over there. Here it comes. Keep your eyes open. It's going to happen fast. All right, here comes Bobby. Bobby holds up the sign right in his face... then everybody goes to work. Okay? It's all over, and then Deb takes the drop. Everybody does their job, everybody works together. Come on. Come on. You sure you didn't forget nothing? I was coming to it.
It was in the other pocket. Just making sure. I see everything. Nothing gets around me. I got eyes in the back of my head. Remember that. BYH-- it's some sort of abbreviation or code. Hi, I'm sorry to bother you again. It's Edie. Listen, I know we didn't have any luck, but I just remembered, I've got some court records on those names with the letters or initials- - BYH. Does that help you at all? Bridgemont Youth House. What's that? Oh, a foster facility...? Oh, well, okay, thanks again, handsome. Who's magic? You have to ask? How's she doing? She's a tough one. Doesn't talk much, but she's smart, I think. And I thought it might work out, no known relatives. How much is here? $1,500. I told you I wanted $2,500 for the next one. $2,500? And this is the last one. The last one? What are you talking about? It's getting too risky.
There are too many people on my back. How about for the next one, I give you $3,000? No, no, I want $2,500 for this one, and then it's over and out. All right, all right. I'll find another source. (children chattering) I'm looking for a boy named Eric Peterson. He has glasses. BOY 2: Eric? Hey, what's the new kid's name? I don't know. Where is he? Upstairs in detention. Locked up. Eric? Eric... Yeah? What is this? What are you doing? I want to talk to this boy. Who are you? I think you had better unlock this door now. I think you'd better leave. Stop it! Get me that key. Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!
Nick! Let me out! Let me out! Eric. It's you! Yes, Eric. Go downstairs, get in the car in the front. Go! (groans) (tires squealing) Vincent. She's in the park. She's waiting there. Thank you. Go to Father. Tell him I'll return soon. Vincent. I've got the boy. I found him. I knew you would. They've separated him from his sister. They'll be looking for him. If I take him back now, I'm afraid I'll lose him again. I can't chance that, Vincent. He'll be safe with us. Right. I was hoping. No, wait, I'm afraid he'll... That he'll be afraid? He's been through a lot.
I don't know how... It's all right. Wake him. Eric. What? What are we going to do? I'm going to take you to someplace safe where no one can hurt you. You going, too? We're going with a friend of mine. Someone very extraordinary. I'd like you to meet him. His name is Vincent. Eric. What is that? Is it real? It's real. How'd you get like that? I don't know. I don't think I ever will. I never knew my mother or father. I bet you'd know them if you saw them. Excuse me, sir, is Lincoln Center in that direction? Thanks. Nice hat. You hear any bells ringing? No bells. (bell rings) The bells ring... it's all over. You go to jail. I don't want to hear those bells.
You don't want to hear them. By the way, sir, where did you get that hat? Naj is so amazing. I'm not going to do this. I don't care. You'll do it. (train chugging) Vincent tells me you might want to stay with us. Maybe. Well, you know, Eric, we only want those here who want to be here. No one's going to force you to stay. No one will ever keep you from leaving. Well, right now I don't have anywhere else to go. So, can I stay here for a while? Yes, of course you can, until our good friends above find some safe place for you. And my sister, too? Mm-hmm, of course. But, you know, Eric, there are promises you have to make and keep. What kind of promises? To give help and support to those who need it. And to accept help and support from those who offer it to you. I promise that. It's a very important promise. It's how we exist. How about not telling anybody about this? Keep it a secret? Well, you know, Eric, suppose you were to tell this secret to anyone. Do you think they're going to believe you? And, uh, even if they did believe you, do you think anyone's going to find their way down here? I'll keep it a secret anyway.
Good, good. Well, then, um... welcome. Welcome, Eric. The pocket on the left side. Do it. Do it, Ellie. Do it! (bell rings) You little idiot! We're going to be here all night. Eric, we'll find your sister. And can we both stay here? For as long as you like. Okay, good. You're safe. You're with friends. Now rest. No more, please. I own you. I bought you. Get it through your head, you're mine. And you'd better be glad about that because without me, you've got nothing. Without me, you've got the chicken hawks on the street. You want to be selling your body? You want to be strung out on drugs? I don't want to be here either. You've got nothing else! The pocket! Do it! (siren wailing)
That matron at Bridgemont Youth Home just caved in. She's talking a blue streak. We've got what we need to bring in Barnes on illegally transferring kids and child abuse. Good. Good instincts. More than just instincts. Well, what do you want, Radcliffe, a gold star? Have you ever seen this man? I think I have. Around Times Square, maybe. He took my sister. That's the guy who took my sister from Ridley. See if you can find him. If you do, find out where he lives. You know how. (car horns honking, indistinct chatter) (siren wailing) ¶ ¶ ¶ ¶ ¶ ¶ Catherine, we've made progress. The Superintendent of Ridley's about to be arrested. Hmm. This is the man who took Eric's sister. Who is he? A thief. One who uses little children, the worst kind. He's connected with the supervisor of Ridley. I saw them talking together, arguing about money. He's selling kids!
Barnes is selling kids out of Ridley. Only the ones with no known relatives. The ones who are all alone. And he has Eric's sister? Where is he, Vincent? Do you know? Take me there. Too great a risk. It's the only way I can move on them. You can't testify against them, Vincent. The only way I can get an arrest warrant is to see it with my own eyes. I'll take that risk. ¶ ¶ (door creaking) ¶ ¶ NAJ: You try that again, I'll cut your feet off! You don't run away from me. Let go! Don't. My psychic predicted this, you know? He did. He warned us, "Beware a woman with a powerful will." Course, I'm fairly determined too. Morgan was right though. You can't prove any of this. Well, right now I'm more interested in proving who did kill Duncan. Now you were in his bedroom. Perhaps you saw or heard something? I can't think of anything.
No. Maybe if you reconstructed the events. You took the pills from Duncan's pocket. Mm-hmm. And ground them up into the brandy. It was a good plan, and I had ample time. Yes. And it worked in your favor, Duncan being a man of habit. Stock quotes in the hot tub and a glass of brandy before going to bed. Exactly! It was a brilliant plan. Just that one tiny thing we hadn't counted on, and it scared Morgan off. I had to finish the job. What was it that frightened him? Oh, he heard a woman in the tub with Mr. Barnett. Oh, yes. Serena. Well, perhaps. L - I don't really know. But you were in the bedroom. You must have heard her. Well, I heard a voice. It was impossible to identify it with the water gushing and the door closed. The door closed. We're just about to wrap this up, Mrs. Dutton. Thanks for helping out. Well, of course. I'm only too glad. Kate, you said you were passing this door right here when you heard Serena's voice.
- And that was about- - Uh, midnight maybe a- a little after. - Are you quite sure... it was Serena's voice you heard? Yes. I'm positive. Go ahead. [Water Running] [Laughter, Chattering] Uh, the door was just a peep open, but I told you that, didn't I? Uh, about like this, ma'am? [Laughter, Chattering Continues] It's just so foolish of me. I meant- I meant, I saw her. I saw her leave Duncan's room. I'm afraid not, Kate. They had adjoining rooms. Serena left by the connecting door. The only way that you could have seen or heard her... was if you had been in Duncan's room, hiding, waiting for Serena to leave. Lieutenant, I don't know why Jessica's saying- I mean, listen. You can hear her, can't you? That is obviously Serena. [Murmuring Continues] Okay. You can come in now. [Gasps] Anne. Anne, oh my God! How could you? You killed Mr.- 'Fraid not, Miss Dutton. See, Miss Hathaway has an airtight alibi.
Thanks. You two can go now. You dropped a vase earlier today when you heard us talking about murder. Up until then, you must have believed that you'd been successful... in making it look like an accident. Suddenly there was a need to incriminate somebody else. And so you implicated the one person... you knew was in the bathroom with Duncan besides yourself. L- I didn't want to kill him. Really, I didn't. L- I just went to talk to him. What he was doing was so unfair! Tom played by Duncan's rules his whole life. And now his reward was being taken away. Well, God only knows how much longer Duncan could have lasted. Tom would have been too old to be chairman if Duncan stayed on until- Until he died? I begged him to give Tom a chance. And all he did was ask me to adjust the horizontal hold on my way out. I'm not sorry I did it. I'm not sorry at all. He was a horrible man, and he just used people! He hired good men and just used them up. That being the case, this meeting of the board of directors of Barnett Industries is adjourned. Tom, what you just did was admirable. Can't have been easy for you to nominate Anne. There wasn't much choice with Morgan's resignation. And I'd just be a liability at this point. Frankly, I don't think I'll be around much longer anyway. Jessica, I want you to know that the paper mill in Maine is gonna stay in business.
Your neighbors will keep theirjobs. That's very public-spirited of you. It isn't actually. We just bought three magazines, and my figures show that if we can supply our own paper, we're gonna save a bundle. Well, it seems to me that this company is in very good hands. You have my word on it. I'm a very determined woman. She's driving. Well, she's dri-- She's driving, okay. She's driving down, dri- - Drive-- She's driving. Dri- - She's dri-- Maybe she's walking. Jesse, you gotta see this. Not now. I'm working on this tune about this outrageous Italian goddess who drives a Lamborghini. What rhymes with Lamborghini? How about Cecil and Beany? How about, "You're a weenie"? Jesse, check out this serious toddling. Tracking shot. Tracking shot. Come on, Michelle. Danny, the kid's been walking for three days. You haven't stopped. I feel sorry for her when she starts potty training. Know what this means?
My sweet little Michelle, she's now an object-grabbing heat-seeking instrument of destruction. Hear this, humans. I am Robo-Baby. - Is Grandma here? - Not yet. - Look how cute you two look. - Cute. Just what we need. More cute. Grandma better get here soon. We're very busy with honeybee business. Joey, keep taping. Girls, on the steps. I wanna ask you something. D.J., so how does it feel to finally be retiring as queen bee? Great. I'm way too old for this outfit. It's time to pass my antenna onto the bees of the future. I be so happy. Girls, do the secret honeybee hello. Okay, but I cannot allow this on tape. That's Grandma. We gotta buzz off. Okay, come here, Michelle. Here's the baby's bag. Oh, yeah, here's the baby. - There you go. - Bye. Bye. See you later, boys.
Guys there's no children in the house. You hear what I hear? - I don't hear anything. - Exactly. It's silence. Wha--? I can't believe this. I have no parental responsibilities. This is great. No, that's not true. I really miss my kids. - No, that's not true. This is great. - All right. Let's party, boys. - I got an idea. Let's get some girls. - Great. There's a Three Stooges festival downtown. You can meet some really fun girls there and the great part is, they don't mind if you poke them in the eye. - I don't know. - I got a better idea. I get on my Harley, you follow in the Country Squire. Not too close. Cruise up to Tahoe. Harrahs is having a Marilyn Monroe look-alike night. - How do you know about this? - How do you not know about this? Guys, we've never had a boys' night out, just the three of us. Let's go out together and just do some male bonding.
Male bonding? Joey, you wanna bond? All I want is a woman who, at just the right moment, goes: Guys, time-out. I can't do this. It's only been five months since I lost Pam. Hey, don't let me stand in your way. I'll be fine. I'll just stay home alone. Maybe change the part in my hair. You guys go out. Have a great time. - Never mind. - Never mind. Okay, we're available for bonding. - I'll do whatever you want. I promise. - Great. You're not gonna think about women when you see what I've got in store. Let's go fishing. Neptune's Bride sails at midnight. Great. I've been dying for a place to wear this outfit. All right. Let's get this wonderful, fun-filled magical night of bonding over with. Jesse, we're going fishing. You look ridiculous. I look ridiculous? Gilligan's living room. No, wait.
Don't hang up. Sorry. I'm not supposed to answer the phone. Yes, Jesse's here. Who may I say is calling? - Give me the phone. - No! Get out of town! The Roxanna? The rock star, Roxanna? - Come on. - Jesse, how do you know Roxanna? All right. We had this hot and heavy thing for a while. Actually, it was kind of serious. We dated. She became a big star, went on the road so we drifted apart. Give me the phone. Is this true? Your story checks out. So, Roxanna how's your new album? Joseph, you leave me no choice. - Say goodbye. - Goodbye. Hello. Oh, sorry. That was Joey. He was raised by a family of really stupid wolves. How are you doing? I'm doing great, yeah.
My music? My music's going really well. - Yeah. - That's great. You told me you couldn't even find a job. Beat it, wolf boy. You know it'd be really nice to see you again. Tonight? Yeah, tonight would be good. Jesse, you promised. But actually, I can't tonight. I'm going fish- - I'm going boating. I'm going yachting actually. I'm going yachting on a boat. Yeah. We're having a big party. Neptune's Bride. Yeah. Champagne, caviar, what have you. All right. Good. I'll call you in the morning. Bye. - Thanks. You're not gonna regret this. - Why be with a beautiful rock star when I can spend the evening with Thurston Howell Ill and Mr. Paul, the human fish stick. Ahoy, mateys. There she be. Neptune's Bride.
The finest lady to sail the seven seas. I say we mount her. That's board her, squid head. Isn't this great? A night of men doing manly things. There isn't a manlier man among men than the old salty dog who pilots this vessel. Old Captain Jack, where you be? He be retired. I'm his granddaughter, Caroline. I'll be your captain this evening. Oh, yeah. Men don't come any manlier. Okay, so except for old Captain Caroline, it's boys' night out. Manly men doing masculine things. Jesse. Roxanna. Have mercy. Come here. What are you doing here? I tracked you down. I'm going on tour tomorrow and I just had to see you. These are my backup singers. - I'm Yvonne. - I'm Vega. I'm happy. Jesse, this isn't a yacht. Oh, yeah. You're telling me. Last time I ever rent a yacht from a guy named Ice Pick. So, what?
There's not a party? We're here to fish. There's no party. - There is now. - Yeah! - Come on. - Let's do it. All right, that's Joey. This is Danny. Which one's Yvonne? Which one's Vega? Thanks for helping me with the anchor, Danny. Caroline, I live for this stuff. Well, take a look at me. Did I forget anything? You could be the centerfold for Field Stream. Excuse me, girls. Boys, it's time for fishing. Oh, boy, am I a happy camper. - Okay, Jesse. What do you want? - I don't care. You want the Daiwa lightweight graphite Superflex or the Shimano Triton SpeedMaster? - I really don't care. - How could you not care? The Daiwa has a 40-pound test and the Shimano has 50. I don't care. Give me the Daiwa. The Daiwa. In these waters, bad choice.
I don't care. Give me a worm and some dental floss. - I'll take the Shimano. - The hell you will. No way I'm getting stuck in these waters with a Daiwa. Look at this, I got the Shimano. The Shimano? In waters like this? Look at that. Full moon. There was a full moon the last night we were together. You remember Big Sur? I remember we rented that cabin and went crazy in every room. Yeah, then we went down to the beach and we got even crazier. Remember the seals were clapping for us. That's ancient history, right? Yeah, it's all in the past. Just a shooting star that burned itself out. Nothing but memories. Yep, the magic's gone. You guys just butchered a classic. Yoo-hoo, champagne's gone. Now what? Well, ladies, how about a ménage à fish. We'd need a lot more champagne. You gotta admit, it is kind of sexy out here. All the rolling and swaying, swaying and rolling. Up and down, down and up. Excuse us. Yep.
I know how to push all the right buttons. - Well, we're in a great spot here. - Oh, yeah. I'm psyched. I got my lucky pole, my lucky hat my lucky underwear with little sharks on it. - But I digress. - You're kind of funny. - No. - Yeah. - No. - Yeah. Okay, yeah. All right, Joey. It's time for a fishing lesson from the master. All right, Danny. Show me how it's done. The art of casting. Click back your winder, thumb on the line cast forward with a firm flowing motion release your thumb and let her go. Got it. Click back your winder, thumb on the line cast forward with a firm flowing motion release your thumb and let her go. - He got another one. - He got-- That makes four. I can't believe I haven't caught a thing. - This makes five for us. - All right. It's a beauty. How can this be? Look what they're wearing. Oh, great.
My bait is yawning. Wake up. Would you wake up, please? Danny, is something wrong? Where's the scuba gear? There's something sinister going on down there. You think the fish got together and made a group decision to avoid your hook? It's the only logical explanation. This is so boring reeling in fish after fish after fish. Will you shut up? You know, I wish we could see each other more often. I know. The only time I see you now is on MTV. I owe a lot of my success to you. Roxanna, you made it because you're good. Remember the first song you sang in my band? - Yeah. How can I forget? - Know what tune? Do it. That's it. Fellas? This is good. Let's do some choreography. Yeah! That was almost fun. I'm coming, beanie boy. Hold on. Anybody else want some more of my halibut... - ...my albacore, my swordfish....
- Shut up. You're just cranky because you got pulled overboard by a Michelin Radial. Hey, that tire had an incredible will to live. Hey, Roxanna, we'll meet you back at the hotel. Thanks for breakfast, guys. Oh, and thanks for the Pepto-Bismol. I know my antacids. You know, Joey, being with you actually bordered on fun. Yeah. I hear that a lot. You know, Joey, we've met a lot of men. And well, now we've met you. - Bye-bye. - Bye. Seems like we're always saying goodbye, huh? I hate it. Jesse, come on the road with me. Join your band? Well, no. We're an all-girl group and you're definitely not a girl. Then why would I go on the road with you? Just to be with me? Do what? Carry your bags for you? - Tune your guitar? That what you want? - No. Think I've got nothing better to do than follow you? - You know, I really had a great time. - So did I.
How about if I make you dinner? Dinner? You know, food you eat when it gets dark? No dinner. How about lunch? No. No lunch, no food. Liquid protein? Look, Caroline I'm real sorry but I think this whole thing was just kind of a big mistake. You really shouldn't be here right now because you really should be somewhere else. Let me walk you to the door, okay? - Jesse, you're overreacting. - No, I'm not. Come on, let's go. - This is not gonna work out. Go. - Jesse. - Get in your limousine. - All right, everybody freeze. I need to see Jesse and Danny in the kitchen right now. - Joey, I'm in the middle of something. - Humor me. Girls, please don't leave. Caroline, you like fish. Roxanna, you like music. Talk about Muddy Waters. Joey, what is your problem? You guys are crazy. You had a nice time with Caroline, you with Roxanna. What's the story here?
- Caroline and I are none of your business. - Neither are Roxanna and I. Jesse. Your attitude wouldn't have anything to do with her success? No. I don't know. All right, I do know. I mean, I put her band together, me. I put the band together, she's a big star. I put my band together, we're playing dives. I promised myself, by the time I was 24, I'm gonna have a record deal. I'm 24 and a half. When's it gonna be my turn? Hey, I know how that feels. It's like when I see ALF, I go nuts. I'm doing my standup in little nightclubs and a carpet sample has a series. But, you know, if we hang in there we're gonna make it. Danny, why are you so upset with Caroline? Because she wanted to make me dinner. The real problem is you like her. Okay, I do like her. And it scares me. Ever since Pam everything is just so hard, so confusing. I know how tough this has been on you. That's how life is. It's a struggle. What helps you get through the tough times are the people by your side. So when people like Roxanna and Caroline come along why push them away because you're frustrated with your career and because you're not ready to date yet? You're throwing away what could be great friendships. Is this the same guy who spends hours perfecting underarm noises?
Where is this coming from? From my heart. I did have some help with the words. It's what Scooby-Doo told Scrappy-Doo last Saturday morning. Thanks, Joey. Come here, you big goof. All right. We got in some male bonding after all. Will you guys excuse me for a moment? Caroline, could I talk to you, please? - Hi. - Hi. Look, I'm real sorry I flipped out. It's just that.... Well, you know about my wife. And I'm just not ready for this yet. I really do like you. Do you think maybe you and I could, like, just be friends? I think that would be great. Roxanna, I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe I was acting a little bit-- What's the word I'm looking for? Insanely jealous. Jesse, your time's gonna come. You're too good. You know I can't go with you. I know. I just want us to be together. Well, maybe someday we will be. But in the meantime you gotta realize a guy like me I gotta be freewheeling. I gotta be riding on the wind.
I gotta be living on the edge. Hi, Uncle Jesse. - Will you help me off with my stinger? - Sure, kid. Well I'm living on the edge of cuteness. Subtitles by SDI Media Group [ENGLISH] - Life is like a hurricane - Here in Duckburg - Racecars, lasers, airplanes - it's a duck-blur - Might solve a mystery - Or rewrite history - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh - Every day they're out there making - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh - Tales of derring-do Bad and good luck tales - D-d-d-danger - Watch behind you - There's a stranger out to find you - What to do? Just grab on to some - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh - Every day they're out there making - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh - Tales of derring-do Bad and good luck tales - Ooh-woo-ooh Not ponytails or cotton tails, no - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh - - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh -
[man] The target should be in range any time now, Mr. Roberts. It's such a wonderful day to make something go "kablooey." [Humming] - A sailor's life for me "Attack Periscope Experimental." That's my baby. [Man] All hands, battle stations! - [Alarm ringing] - Battle stations! - Stand by to dive! - [Indistinct chatter] - Attack sonar engaged. - Attack computers engaged. Dive, dive, dive! Activate the Attack Periscope Experimental. Ow! Aah! Target range 1-5-double O, Admiral Grimitz. Bring her to 100 feet, slow to one third. Uh-oh. - Prepare to launch guided torpedoes. - [Crashing] [Grimitz] Lock on target drone. Fire! Target destroyed, admiral. [Chuckles] I just love it when things go kablooey. The Navy's gonna want McDuck Industries to build a lot of these secret submarines. Tell the carrier she can pick us up. Now remember, men, this mission is top secret. A big hush-hush on this one.
'Cause we know what loose lips do, don't we? [All] Sink ships, sir! [Grimitz] That's right. So when you're on shore leave in Singapore, say nothing to no one, no how. [All] Aye-aye, sir! [Man] Spices! Fresh spices from India, Africa, and China. Spices! [Dewey] Won't Uncle Donald be surprised to find us waiting for him in Singapore? Aye, lad. Especially since he's here on a secret mission for the Navy. A secret mission? Uncle Donald? Wowee! If it's a secret, then how did you find out about it, Uncle Scrooge? That's a secret, too. Oh, boy. Secret missions, Singapore, spies around every corner [all] Yeah! [Scrooge] Now, lads, don't let your imaginations run away with you. [German accent] I love spying! Spying is my life. And he's the one that I want. The one in charge of the experimental periscope. Are you for sure you can make him do it? [Foreign accent] Remove those sunglasses, Victor, and I will prove it. Ha! No way. Even the sharpest mind, the strongest will powers cannot resist the eyes of Cinnamon Teal. Say "cheese!" Or say "worms in the water."
[Nephews] Uncle Donald! I don't believe it! Boys! What are you doing here? Surprising you! Aye, we thought we'd spend your shore leave with you. This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain secret submarine, would it Uncle Scrooge? - Oops. - Secret submarine? Now that you mention it, Donald, my boy, how did Admiral Grimitz like my submarine? - Your submarine? - Forget it, Uncle Scrooge. That mission is a big hush-hush. I know. Loose beaks cause leaks. But I built that blasted submarine. I need those Navy contracts to get back my investment. - Aw, come on, Uncle Scrooge... - Stop talking business. Yeah, let's have fun. [All] Yeah, fun. But talking business is how I have fun. We will wait until he is alone. Good night, Uncle Donald. Bye, Uncle Donald. Good night, boys. Good night. Be up in a minute, laddies. - Now, about my submarine... - Uh-uh.
That's a secret, Uncle Scrooge. I know, I know. What I want to say is, well... I am proud of you, Donald. It takes a real man to keep a secret. Especially from me. That's a real compliment, Uncle Scrooge. Especially from you. See you, Uncle Scrooge. - See you, sailor. - [Humming] - A sailor's life for me The Navy's made Donald into quite a lad. I'll have to speak to Admiral Grimitz about the fine job he's doing. First thing in the morning. Oh, boy, Singapore. - The night is young and i'm old enough [Cinnamon] Hello, sailor. Hiya, toots. Look into my eyes. What are you trying to do? Hypnoti... - [Cinnamon] Get in, darling. - Your wish is my command, toots. Give him his instructions. Listen carefully, you will return to your ship. [Victor] Not yet, there's more. [Cinnamon] Speak to no one. Boy, you must've had a good time tonight. Speechless, huh?
You did have a good time. [chuckling] Go to the secret submarine hidden within your ship. Slip unnoticed into the submarine's control room. Use your clearance code numbers to remove the master computer link from the secret periscope. Hide it under your hat. Under your hat, stupid. Now, return to the city. [Beeping] Back for more, huh, big guy? [Cinnamon] Go to the Cloak and Dagger Club on the street of the retching camel and deliver the computer link to me. Secrets, effendi, your choice. Only 50 dollars American. Tomorrow night, the Kaldevian Embassy. Tell no one. The seagull perches on the steeple in the rain. - Hiya, toots. - Well done, sailor. Well done. - Thanks, toots. - [Victor] Get rid of him. Quickly! Once you step outside, you will come out of your trance and you will remember nothing. - Now go. - See ya, toots. Give me the computer link. Not so fast, Victor Loser. First, the documents. Yes, of course, my dear Cinnamon. Evidence that would put you in prison in exchange for the device that would put me in the espionage hall of fame. Now, leave by the back door like the rest of the garbage.

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