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I wouldn't if I were you. It's naughty to stay up past your bedtime. What if we don't get home by my bedtime? We will, hon. Don't worry. Santa Claus is gonna bring you a big surprise tonight. You just wait and see. [ Ricky, Narrating ] It was night by the time we reached that turnoff. I don't know what made him stop. - What's that? - Hmm? Actually, I do know what made him stop. - There it is again. See? - [ Man ] There's something up there, all right. Do you see what I see? [ Ricky, Narrating ] Billy was there. - You think we should wake up Billy? - Billy told me everything. - Santa Claus! - Looks like you get to see him tonight after all. - Need a ride, Santa Claus? - No. Not exactly. Jim, go! [ Tires Screeching ] [ Baby Crying ] [ Crying Continues ] [ Gasps ] [ Grunting, Screaming ]
[ Groaning ] Oh, yeah? Gonna hit me? Shoot. [ Cackling ] Ho, ho, ho. [ Ricky ] It was him, jolly Saint Nick... with a knife in his hand. Where are you, you little bastard? Bastard. He left us out there to die. That was a long time ago. How could you possibly remember all that? Because... I was there. You know, I don't like your attitude, Bloom. My attitude is not the issue, Mr. Caldwell. Oh, I forgot. You in a hurry, Doc? Am I wasting your valuable time? [ Sighs ] Tell me about your stay at Saint Mary's orphanage. I hated that fucking place. [ Narrating ] It was rough on both of us. And Christmastime was always the worst. [ Woman ] All right, now. Who's next? We haven't seen your drawing yet, have we? It didn't exactly bring out the best... in Billy. [ Woman ] Billy. Billy. Okay. Come on up here.
Put your drawing on the board with the others. You put it in place, and I'll put the tape on it. [ Girl Screams ] Sister, look. Billy, take that down. Explain this, William. I'm sorry, Mother Superior. Are you? I don't think so. But you will be. You will learn what it is to be sorry. - Now go to your room and stay there. - Yes, Mother Superior. Until I tell you to come out. You finally have what you've been asking for, Mother Superior. Proof. Of what, Sister Margaret? Of what I've been saying. That it's all still inside him. Simply because something unfortunate happened to his parents, which he knows nothing about, is no reason to allow him to run wild. He must be taught. Good day, Sister. Good day, Mother Superior. [ Chattering ] I think you've been locked away up here long enough. Why don't you come out and help us build our snowman? I can't. Look, Billy, Mother Superior only wants what's best for you. And I think what's best for you is to come out and play with the other children, okay? Hmm? Okay.
Yes. [ Moaning ] [ Moaning Continues ] [ Moaning ] [ Screaming ] - [ Gasps ] - Filthy devil! You'll pay for this. Punishment. - You devil, take your punishment. - [ Gasps ] [ Whipping ] [ Mother Superior ] Devil! How dare you! [ Woman ] Please. William! Don't blame him. I told him he could come out. Stay out of this, Sister Margaret. William, come here. Billy, what's wrong? Your brother's a nutcase, that's what's wrong. - No, he's not! Take it back! - Boys. What did you see upstairs, William? Nothing, Mother Superior. What they were doing was something very, very naughty. They thought they could do it without being caught. But when we do something naughty, we are always caught. And then we are punished.
Punishment is absolute. Punishment is good. Yes, Mother Superior. - You left your room, William. - Yes, Mother Superior. Very, very naughty. [ Yelps ] She... was... naughty. - Do you miss your brother? - What do you think? You felt sorry for him. Why? I feel sorry for you. You do? Yeah. You're shrink number... 13. Good. That's my lucky number. Do you dream, Ricky? I don't sleep. [ Narrating ] But Billy had dreams-- bad dreams. [ Whimpering ] Every day I'd hear about 'em. But every night he'd live 'em. [ Groaning ] [ Screaming ] Please let me up. Mother Superior had a thing about discipline. Sister Margaret. What was naughty... and what wasn't. Let me out.
Leave him alone. Let me out of here. Let me up. Let me up! Let me out of here! But on Christmas day... it all went straight to hell. [ Billy Screaming ] No! No! No! Oh, no! No! Out of the way. You will learn gratitude. Say thank you to Santa Claus. No. No! [ Screams ] [ Grunts ] Billy! Billy! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be naughty. Don't punish me. Please. [ Footsteps Approaching ] [ Mother Superior ] William. [ Narrating ] No one heard him screaming. But I did. New tape. - What do you see out there?
- Bars. - Let's jump ahead. - Let's. - Your brother eventually lefttheorphanage. - Yeah. - Left you alone. - He didn't leave me. He was 18. Mother Superior got him a job... at the local toy store. That's very good. Very realistic. Isn't it, Mrs. Randall? He's definitely fat and jolly. Take a closer look at yourself in the mirror, Billy. [ Ricky, Narrating ] Picture that. [ Man ] Now just remember, lots of "Ho, ho, ho." Try not to scare the little bastards. I guess they think the old guy's scary. - Silly, isn't it? - Silly. [ Children Chattering ] Stop it. Please, stop it. [ Crying ] Do you have any idea what you're doing? You're being naughty. I don't bring toys to naughty children. I punish them... severely. He sure knows how to handle kids. He's great, isn't he?
Mommy. ♪ We wish you a merryChristmas♪ ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ ♪ And a happy new year ♪ Good tidings for you ♪ Wherever you are ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ ♪ And a happy new year Hey, Santa, you'd better sober up. You got a long night ahead of you. [ Laughing ] - Huh? - You remember what Santa does on Christmas eve, don't you? Yeah. Yeah, I know what he does. ♪ Santa's waiting ♪ Christmas eve is slowly fading ♪ ♪ Can you hear him inthenight♪ ♪ Close the door Turn out the light ♪ ♪ Santa's watching Santa's creeping ♪ ♪ Now you're nodding Now you're sleeping ♪ ♪ Were you good for Mom and Dad ♪ ♪ [ Singing Continues, Indistinct ] [ Woman ] Oh, stop it. Come on. Come on. Don't do that, Andy. Andy. Uh-uh.
No. Don't do that. Come on. Let's go back now. Andy, stop it! Please, Andy. No! [ Screams ] [ Laughs ] - No! - [ Screams ] [ Shouting ] Naughty! [ Gagging ] You bastard. You're crazy. Get the hell away from me! Did you hear something? I didn't hear anything, Mr. Simms. Must have been your imagination. - [ Screaming ] - Punishment is good! I heard something, by God. [ Whimpering ] No. [ Gasps ] Anybody in here? [ Bells Jingling ] [ Jingling ] Mr. Simms. [ Train Whistle Blows ] Mr. Simms! Come out here and see this.
- He's shutting down the ward! - Man, you'll all die! - Come on. - We've got to stop this. - You don't leave, you're dead tomorrow. - Shit's on now! - Come on. - Let's raid the pharmacy. - They've got nurses with big tits. - They're taking Lennihan away. We can't let these guys loose in the hospital. The city's partially blacked out. Our grid is wiped out. Great. No power on the island. Nowhere to go but up. Give me a light. There's the emergency generator on schedule. That generator only puts out half the power. A lot of the hospital still has no juice. Dr Randy... - Tommy Pinto fell off the roof. - Why was he up there in a hurricane? - Chambers sent him up. Where is he? - Gone for the weekend. - What do you need? - What happened? - I fell off the roof. - Move your legs?
Your neck? - Yeah. - Get him a lateral c-spine. Call my wife, will you? Where's our ER doc? I can't do this diagnosis by myself. How do I get hold of you? I need some more picks. You think I'm gonna give you a forwarding address? I'm outta here. Go to Chambers' office, pick up your files. - Upstairs. Make a right. - Right. Chambers. Don't forget about the OR. - Chambers' lab! - It's got its own generator. Chambers spared no expense. That's why... - Anything else you need? - Bring back the girls you sent home. - Oh, shit! - Get me some flashlights. - There's no oxygen pumping. - Where are the O2 tanks? Just go over there. Where's Doris? - Doris. Where did she go?
- Shit. Stucky! Why should the generator work? Nothing else does. - Stucky! - Get maintenance on the phone. - What phone? It just went dead. - Oh, God. Stucky, you clown! I'm gonna twist your head off. - What's the story with the generator? - Checking it out now. Great. I haven't even got Tommy's X-rays. - How long's it going to take? - Get off my fucking case. When it's fixed I'll let you know. The generator was working before, so they'll get it working again. The ER doctor's gonna be here soon, so let's get on with the work and deal with the emergencies as they arise. - Dr Slattery? - You got me. - Edward Slattery? - Edward Slattery? Thank God. I'm Rachel Atwood, Arthur's assistant. I know the conditions aren't what you expected, but I'm doing the best I can. I'll find the disaster manual and see if I can get some information. This book is so old, there's a chapter on leeches. I'll have to use my judgement.
- I guess so. - What's this? Lennihan, Kevin. Oh, Chambers took care of that. So let's go, Dr Slattery. Go? Where? To ER. You've got a herd waiting for you. Start without me and I'll be right down. I'm not an MD, I'm an administrator. We've got to go now. - I've got to scrub up. - Dr Slattery, are we ready? Would you call me Eddie, please? I'll call you Rachel. - Eddie, Rachel? - OK. Did Chambers mention I might not be staying very long? I had other things I had to do. I'm going to other hospitals. And bring some plaster, we've got a broken leg. Can you take care of it? There's Maggie, the charge nurse. Tell her you're here. Check the life packs. We don't know if they were recharged. Put down that pillow and take this lantern to the drug room. Take the pillow. You have two hands.
I'm done stitching. I need someone to help dress her. Go to the trauma room and help Dr Joffe with the dressing. Excuse me, I have an emergency. Dr Foster, what are you doing? We don't intend to run an operating room by candlelight, do we? I've rescheduled all elective surgery until the day after tomorrow. Deploy the OR nurses as you see fit. Oh, boy, that was a close one. Aren't you going to help out down here? You are standing on a malpractice time bomb. I don't intend to be around when it explodes. - There's nothing wrong with my head. - You haven't seen it from this angle. I wanna go home. I gotta put the top on my Mercedes. - What should I do with all these people? - Don't admit them to our hospital. Send 'em home. Hey, you can't take that. That's my ambulance. I'm outta here! I'm out! Shit! Oh, shit. Shit! No. No! Stop. Stop!
- The causeway's out. - The causeway's out? - Yeah. - Who are you? - Dr Slattery. Who are you? - Dr Foster. We've got the same first name. How about a ride back to the hospital? Causeway's out. Give me more slack out there. - This is a great idea, Dr Joffe. - Young Dr J's full of great ideas. - How many headlights do you have? - 20. You left your stethoscope at home? - Thank you for the ride. - Hey, Doc, where's my ambulance? - I got it washed. - Dr Slattery, what happened? - Dr Slattery? - What's your problem? - What happened? - The causeway collapsed. - The ambulance drowned. - Who is he? - I thought you were treating patients. - I was. Then I saw the storm and I knew the best thing to do was evacuate. - Evacuate?
- Yeah, that was my diagnosis. - Shouldn't they drive the ambulances? - Yeah. They should. What's your name? - Dr Joffe. - Barely "Dr". Left school 3 months ago. Three months? I've got haemorrhoids older than that. You send people out in this weather without ascertaining the risk? Don't you realise medicine is hands-on? You should've went into law. - You tell 'em! - I wasn't saying... Dr Slattery. Dr Slattery. Dr Slattery. ER's this way. Chambers is probably sitting in front of the fire with a Scotch. - He loves Scotch. - I should call him. - No, don't! - Right, the phones are dead. Here's what we have for starters. A roofer who fell in the storm. He hasn't been X-rayed. A guy struck by lightning. A regular who thinks this is a clinic. Auto accident, with contusions.
A possible labour. No husband, six kids, all here. Broken leg in the cast room. And we need a doctor for the detox ward. They're screaming for their medicine. I can't fake being a doctor. I couldn't fake being a lunatic. This is easier. None of them know what they're doing. - What's a doctor do? - Diagnose the clap. - Then give 'em a shot. - Somebody'll recognise I'm not Slattery. Nobody keeps track of these emergency doctors. They're moonlighters. They blow in, work some shifts, make their money and disappear. - You're perfect for the job. - Only if Chambers doesn't show up. - Go to Psycho and check it out. - I'm a doctor? - You're a doctor. - I'm a doctor. Doctor, we need those dispositions. Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention? The problem with the medical profession? - Too much buck passing. - No shit. You depend on me. I'm moonlighting. I do the business and I'm gone.
Depend on yourselves. You got good minds. You're brilliant! Screen those patients for me. Nurse, help him out. Give me your recommendations. And remember what Hippocrates said. Now, go to work. Go to work. Let's go. Work, work! One more time, Chambers. What did you do with the lights? You always want to keep us in the dark. Maybe the whole city's blacked out. Yeah, right, sure. Suffering delusions of grandeur. Give me the radio and I'll find out. What are you going to do? Call in the SWAT team? Are we going to sit here all night? We're gonna sit here forever, just as long as I have my hands around your scrawny, pecker neck. Nobody is gonna send us to Dannemora. Shut up, fuckhead! Oh, Dr Slattery, please! What's the problem? - Have you tried prune juice? - Of course. The last time I went was a week and it wasn't such a good one. Warm baths does the trick for me.
You'll be fine. She's already taking suppositories and nothing's moving. She can't do it by herself. We'll have to do a manual disimpaction. Get the manual. - What's that for? - Oy, not this again! What's the matter? You gotta be kidding. Dr Joffe! Dr Joffe! Dr Joffe, get over here. It's an emergency. Take care of it. He'll wish he went to law school. - I need more penicillin. - Coming right up. What is it? No diagnosis yet. She hasn't been examined. You haven't examined her yet? And you have magic hands? ! What are you going to do with these magic hands? Wash them. They were just up Mrs Nussbaum's magic butt. I've given you all the glamorous jobs. Examine this patient for me. I have lots of things to do. Yes, sir.
- Joffe. - Sir? - Get out here. - But, sir... Now. You're beginning to disgust me. Go wash your magic hands. Get your magic ass outta here. Under the curtain! - Sorry, sir. - This is important. Quick. - What a cute coat. - Thank you very much. - What seems to be the trouble? - It hurts all over. Here and here. - And especially here. - Doctor'll make it all better. Stetho... stetheth... Cool off. Make it nice. - What do you hear? - Oh, I hear... I hear a little tiny voice and it's saying, "Eddie, you're one lucky son of a bitch." You know, I just love a dedicated man in medicine. They give so much and it makes me want to give them something back. Yes, dedicated. That's it.
I'm a dedicated doctor. I'm a dedicated doctor, a good doctor. This is my best day of doctoring. - I love caring men. - Oh, I care. My cynical friend said doctors just tell people they have the clap and give 'em a shot. Imagine that! You wouldn't have to tell me that. - I know. - Because that's why I'm here. - Yes. - I already have the clap. Dr Joffe! What the hell are you doing? Building a wall? No, this is the latest technique. When the cast is real big, the bone sets harder. You're gonna like this. This is good. I'd like you to do me a favour, however, when you take this cast off. I'd like my ring back. It's in here, see. This is good. Oh, this is gonna set good. - You can hear it. - Dr Slattery, can I see you a moment? Dr Foster, take over for me, there's an emergency. Try this for size. - Excuse me, Doctor. - This could be serious.
- Excuse me. - More questions? Just go away. You have the pressure... Backwards! No wonder. It's an '82 model. They should've recalled these. - Anything else I can do for you? - Yes, Doctor. That's the woman who needs treatment. She's her cousin. They could have something that runs in the family. You never know. Have them both X-rayed. She says what's wrong is her husband left her and it hurts all over. - X-rays won't show anything. - It won't hurt. Look. See? Excuse me. What did he say? He said my husband is no good anyway. And that he thinks I have a nice... ...you know, ass. And that maybe we'll go dancing tomorrow night. Oh, hey! Shit! How the hell? !
Look out! Goddamn it! Can ten have something...? - Where's the emergency power? - They're restoring it. - Four nurses for eight patients. - How many do you need? I'm trying to keep people alive by hand. I could use three per bed. Oh, God. Don't worry. I'll get you everybody I can spare. We've got a patient with a DVT. Then he threw a PE. - He could have an MI. - That can be serious. - Don't I need a second opinion? - Some haven't had a first opinion yet. Is that why your parents struggled to send you to school? - My parents are wealthy. - Would they be interested in a cineplex? - $50,000 down payment... - What? Your opinion is as good as anyone else's. Dr Joffe, I'm counting on you today. Don't let me down. - Thank you, sir. - You're OK. What are you doing? Letting a first-year intern make a diagnosis like that alone?
That's an invitation to litigation. Exactly like Blowfield vs. St Jude's. $3 million settlement! What are you trying to pull? Who are you? - What is the matter? - This guy's gone crazy. Your emergency generator? You can forget about it. You'd need a miracle to get juice in that by the morning. Morning? We have people being kept alive by hand in ICU. That can't go on. What do you want us to do? We've been after Chambers for months about it. I didn't hear any... - People are gonna die here tonight. - She only wants to know what it costs. You goddamn people have been running this hospital into the ground. Pointing the finger at Rachel, that's gonna fix the generator? - We need people in ICU? - We can't spare anybody. - We'll get people from elsewhere. - That's easy to say. It's easy to do, too. Follow me. Eddie, what are you doing? Just a minute. Rachel, I am a master of persuasion. Eddie.
Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please? - We need your help. - What is he doing? I've been here five hours. What's going on? Louis! This is our head orderly, Louis. I want you all to get to know him. Remember when you were kids and had your temperature taken? What is he talking about? Well, tonight's gonna be your turn to help your fellow man. Listen to the doctor. He must be from some ambulance-chasing law firm. You can't have patients working in a hospital, can you? No. I'm your doctor. I'm gonna prescribe for you exercise. It's good for the cardiovascular system. It'll help you. You'll walk. Listen to the doctor. - If anything happened we'd be liable. - I don't have any choice. - This is anarchy. - Do I? Especially you. You need the exercise most. You're getting up. Come on. - I'm no doctor.
- I know, but you need exercise. Watch the kids. - Come on up. Up. - Thank you. - Thanks, Eddie. - My pleasure. Get me outta here. I can't take this. This way, please. - Doctor, the ICU is this way. - Sorry. Just follow Louis. - Dr Slattery, where are you going? - ICU. No, you're an emergency room doctor. Eddie, the orderly will take them up. Eddie? Tommy Pinto's feeling tingling in his legs. I'm worried. - What do you think it might be? - Spinal injury, but he needs a CAT scan. - What happened to the cat? - There's no power. - There are lights on the helipad. - They got their own generator. - No wonder he gets big bucks. - Who's gonna move it? How about the men in Detox? They're just sitting around.
- Beating their pugs. I'll get on it. - I'll take care of it. - You can't. They'll never listen to you. - Administration is my job. - Miss Atwood. - She won't listen. She has no idea what she's doing. We're talking a class action suit against this hospital, and you're encouraging it. What kind of gypsy doctor are you? Is that a formal accusation or libellous hearsay? I have a lawyer on call 24 hours to take care of nitwits like you. - He'll be on you like white on rice. - I wasn't suggesting... - I wasn't. - I accept your apology. This time. - I'm sorry. - Help Joffe with Tommy Pinto. - Move your ass. - Dr Slattery. I'm going to the bathroom. I don't need a second opinion. I know how to hold it. - Do I need a second opinion? - No. He doesn't need a second opinion. Mr Stucky. Jackson, here for the cure?
Yeah. They let you out of prison? I scammed those suckers in the joint with my leg-is-falling-off bullshit. - How do I get out of here? - I don't know. - Attention, please. - What do you want? - You know the hospital. - I need my meth. I'll get you all you want. - This involves you as well. - Get me off the island. Now, come on, hard-ass, let's go. This is out of the ordinary and a highly unusual request, but this is a highly unusual situation. We really do need the manpower. I thought this was supposed to be a drug programme, not a job programme. Ain't that right, fellas? So just give us our dope dope. Well... My girl likes to party all the time Take it easy, before you wear this fucking stick. Tell 'em again. They don't hear you. You'll wear the fucking stick. You woke him up from his nap. - We got a programme... - I got a programme, too. I got good news and bad news. The good news is I got the methadone. OK, OK, what is the bad news?
- You're gonna have to work for it. - That's terrible news. Rachel asked for your help and you laughed. I'm not taking no jaw-jacking. I'm gonna split. - I didn't come here to work, but to relax. - I need you to work. - I can't work. - Praise the Lord, he can't work. We're junkies, not flunkies. Wrong. Thought you had to piss, but you had to shit. Listen, do we have a deal? - Say yes, everybody. - Yes! We'll do the work. You've made an important career decision. The junkies on the go! The junkies on the go! Hi ho for methadone The junkies on the go! Two, three, four, push it down! Keep your end up, man. - Out of my face, asshole. - Don't talk to the doctor like that. No, no. I can give you shock treatment. Clean your brains out if you got any. Now, keep it up and see what happens. Rachel. Yeah.
If someone needed to get off the island fast, say they were gonna get killed they were sick, could they use that boat? Yeah, I have the key. But you can't do anything when it's like this. Not like this, but when it's nice. - Yeah. It's possible. - Good to know. Let's go. Dannemora? Who said anything about Dannemora? Where do I sign? Lights out at ten, cable TV, sports and dirty movies. - Sodas whenever we want. - Nurses with bigger tits. A wonderful idea! Well, that should be no problem. Anything else? No? Terrific. Now, don't sign this if you don't want to. Now, if I can just have that radio back. - What did you do with Lennihan? - You all saw what happened. You sent him to Palazzi or to medical experiments. We're next! We're next! We're next! We're next! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
I can see you're too smart for me. I'll level with you. Lennihan was an undercover inspector for the Board of Health. The Board of Health. You're just too good, Chambers. - You really are. - What do we do now? What do we do? We gag that maggot before I rip his lying lips off. You could puke a buzzard off a gut wagon. Yeah! - You're our hero. - I am? - Yeah. - Way to go. That was great, Jack. - My toaster's on the fritz. You can fix it. - Your oven, too. - We're not out of the woods yet. - Right. Dr Slattery, someone here says he works for you. You'd better go see him. I'm busy. Show me where the Demerol is and I'll medicate my own ass. - Get me Dr Joffe. - Good luck. - You're supposed to be working. - Don't waste your time. Help those who can be saved.
Just throw me in the bed and forget about me. And to make sure my last days are comfortable, keep me highly medicated. - You know my condition. - Yes. You've got a severe case of full-of-shit-ness. I'm confused. What's that in layman's terms? It means I'm gonna check this out. No, no, I told you, Doc. You don't... What is that? - I don't like how that sounds. - No shit. - I don't like that one, either. - That makes two of us. - Did you just experience a sharp pain? - No, a blow job. What do you think? - How's the patient? - Can I vote? I'm feeling groovy. It's just I can't do that kind of work because of my hernia. Dr Joffe, would you check this man out for a hernia, please? Great, another one of those glamour jobs. OK, drop trou. OK. Cough. - He seems fine. - Squeeze harder. Sometimes it's inside.
- Cough. - I am coughing, man. I'll cough up my lung if you'll have this guy let go. - Harder. - But, sir... I know it's unorthodox, but we're trying to save a life. Give it a good... I'll schedule immediate surgery. Yes, I'll have to check these boys out from the inside. No, we don't! I wanna work! Dr Joffe, he's cured! Rachel, Dr Joffe, that'll be all. - And Joffe... - I know, sir. Wash my hands. I never had any doubts about you. - Even though your colleagues thought... - What did my colleagues thought? You hung in there when the shit hit the fan. That's because I'm a shit-in-the-fan dodger from way back. I got into medicine late in life. - What did you do before? - I sold real estate. I made investments. Property. Land. I was doing good. Had lots of investors. Everything was going OK.
One day, I looked at myself in the mirror. I said, "This ain't the life for you no more." Then I went to medical school. - Which school? - Nearby. What's it like running a hospital? Being in charge of everything in the hospital, like the food and the strawberry desserts, jellos and things. - I'd like to talk about them. - Yes. I know you run a hospital, but I want them jellos, OK? I haven't had the chance yet. Tonight's my try-out for the job. Rachel, you're doing a great job running this hospital. And you're a lot prettier than Chambers. - Thank you. - I gotta... I gotta fix food, coffee. Miss Atwood. This is Mary in ICU. It must be 110 without air conditioning. - We gotta do something. - I'll take care of it, Mary. Don't panic. You fix the sandwiches, I'll go to ICU. - OK, thank you. - You're welcome. You goofing off again? I'm trying to mobilise everybody for ICU. We're putting the helicopter in the lobby, blow air up the elevator shafts. You're gonna be all right. Say "ah".
To the lobby, Louis. Hup, two, three... - Can it get through the door? - It's foolproof. I'm gonna take a sandwich. Foolproof! Pull! Pull! Come on, we almost got it up. Put your backs into it. One, two, three, pull! Oh, my God! You said you could put it through the front door. Foolproof! It's close. I've just got to get it by the elevator shaft, and I blow air throughout the hospital. These guys are gonna help. All I have to do is get it up the steps. Right, men? You gonna give it a try? One more time. One, two, three, pull! You did your best. Let's get them to ICU. Drop what you're doing and follow me to ICU, OK? - Eddie? - Anybody know about choppers? I am an expert in choppers. The "Slicks", the Sikorskys, all the Hueys: The A, the B, the C, the D model, Airwolf, Blue Thunder.
And this one, the Huey 500 D? - I know it backwards and forwards. - You wouldn't bullshit me? - I wouldn't shit you. - Let's see. Get in. Well, I was a chopper mechanic in the big Asian vacation. Never got off the ground. Fear of heights. But if you put somebody behind that stick, I can definitely show you how. We've no more time. We've got to evacuate the ICU. Any volunteers? Bring it on up. Easy now, easy. Too much left pedal. Ease your cyclic forward. - My what? - Your steering stick. A little more collective. Your up and down stick. My dick? - Hope he knows what he's doing. - No sweat. He told me he owns one. OK, that's it. Easy, up, up, up. It's a piece of cake. Slow. Oh, shit, they're dusting your ass with 50s.
- Get off the trees! - What? ! Down! Down! - Are you freaking out down there? - Rocket fire! Evade! Evade! - Evade what? This ain't Vietnam! - To the right. - Are you fucking crazy? ! - Shit, they blew up my stash. Oh, God, I'm out of drugs. You stoned fuckhead, how do I land? Don't land! Back to base. This pad's too fucking hot. - What? - Take it up. - Don't land. - The war's over, you fuckhead! I'm gonna die in this motherfucker! I'm gonna kill you. Don't land! Don't land. Don't. - Way to go!
- All right! Thank God! I'm going to grab his heart and pull it out of his ass. You get the Distinguished Flying Cross. You got something for me? You! Help! Help! It's gonna be fine. Yes, it's gonna be fine. He's having a fit. - It worked. - Terrific. I'm gonna wake up any minute and laugh my head off. You can't go to sleep now. We've lots to do. I've got to fix the generator, bail out the basement. But your troops look wasted. You go up to ER. I'll take care of my troops. - OK, thank you. - OK. - I'll be right back, Tommy. - Don't forget about me. - Well? - These X-rays are meaningless. - You want an artist's sketch. - No. A CAT scan. We can't do a scan.
There's no power upstairs. Tommy Pinto has an epidural haematoma of the spine. The longer we wait, the greater the risk of paralysis. - He's jumping to conclusions. - No, I'm not. - We don't have the proper information. - What else could it be? It could be... Let's say for argument's sake he needs an operation. We don't have an operating room, do we? - We don't? - Of course not. There's no power. It's inconceivable to perform that kind of delicate surgery here in the emergency room, isn't it? - Would you? - No. I never have. The air's filled with bacteria, germs. It's not antiseptic. We can't expose the central nervous system to a lawsuit. What if we can't restore power, what if there's complications...? - Wait! - What are you talking about? Doctors, act like doctors. What's wrong with you? Hey! Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on? - Tommy? - Please take a look at Tommy. I know what I'm talking about.
He won't even look. - It's not my domain. It's your domain. - See? No! - Yes, it is. - I'm only the intern. I'm a surgeon. I never talk to patients... until after... before... You have to go in there. - I...? - Oh, Dr Slattery! Dr Slattery! No, listen. I'll go in. I'll look at him alone. - Thank you. - You're welcome. Hey, Doc, how you doing? So, how you doing, Tommy Pinto? OK. So, what's the story here? The story is, you should've used a ladder. Tommy, are you a diabetic? A diabetic? - No. - What's your favourite flavour? - Red. - Shoot!
That's mine, too. They just don't put enough reds in here. - Thanks. - You're welcome. Hey, Doc, can you look at my legs 'cause I can't feel nothing. That's bad, isn't it? Well, no, it's... Hey, no. It's not as bad as you think it is. Put a heating pad on it and it'll be OK? You really are a lucky man. You could've fallen off a roof anywhere. You fell off here at the hospital. There's good people around to take care of you, make sure you're all right. So you're gonna be fine. You'll be fine. Hey, Doc, you're not bullshitting me, are you? Well, what do you think? Eddie, what's up? You see, I've been getting a free ride. If that man doesn't get an operation, he may be crippled for the rest of his life. - I can't keep this bullshit up. - You have to. - I know how worried you are. - You think I'm doing a job. - I'm not a doctor. - Listen to me. Every time we've been up against the wall, you made us believe anything was possible. - Anything is possible? - Yes.
And you made me believe it, too. Yeah, I could... I could try. Yeah, let's try it. - Did we get that box of Nurolon? - Right there. - The anaesthesia equipment is working. - Check this beat. It's nice stuff. It's great. - Here we go, Dr Foster. - Very romantic. You expect me to perform surgery under these conditions? Who are you people? You are incompetent. Everything you've done has jeopardised this hospital. I will no longer be party to your criminal behaviour. Good day. Dr Foster. Dr Foster. Why talk to her like that? She's trying to help. I'll break your fingers. I'll leave one to shove up your pompous ass. Can you operate in there? If something happened, I'd have no defence. You'd leave a man downstairs 'cause you're afraid you'll get sued? Are you a doctor or a bureaucrat? Why did we go into medicine in the first place? Since becoming a doctor, I've watched the medical profession go to hell.
We're treated no better than fly-by-night mechanics or housebuilders. If the customer isn't happy, they haul us into court. - Where's the deference, the trust? - The trust? You're a penis head. - What? - We're doctors. People say, "Help me, please." And we help 'em. That's power. You'd let lawyers scare you out of that? We got the greatest jobs in the world. We can park anywhere we want. Driveways, loading zones. No tickets. - Aisle seats at the theatre. - There you go. - Is there a fire? - What are you doing? I have no choice. - Where are we going? - Chambers' research lab. - What's that? - Mutiny! - What are you doing? - Oh, my God! Nice shot. Watch your foot. Is this the cafeteria? I suppose you think that's funny. This is criminal behaviour.
This is breaking and entering. Can we light the OR with this generator? - I don't see why not. - My God! What is Arthur going to say? ...Arthur! - This is Arthur's baby. - No, this is Arthur's baby. - This is an emergency I must deal with. Stop! Miss Atwood, you're throwing your career out the window. - What's your problem? - It's a risk I must take. Right? - Right. - No! Stop! Miss Atwood! No! What are we doing? What about it, Dr Foster? Can you perform the operation? Oh, what a mess! - We have power. Can you? - Anything to get out of here. Great, I'll get it moved. Dr Slattery, I'd be pleased to have you assist me in the surgery. - Dr Slattery? - Yes.
- We have to go. - I am not clean. They're waiting for us. Dr Slattery? Germs. Germs. I'm just trying to get sterile. Is this sterile enough? I don't know if you've seen one of these. It's a very challenging procedure. Without the CAT scan, we can't pinpoint the haematoma. A lot of spine may be exposed. It's a delicate procedure. It should be between T9 and T10. Doctor, I don't think I'm the man for this job. I don't understand. I don't want to know. I don't care who you are. Send Joffe up here. Keep your hands in your pockets and run this hospital. Thank you, Doctor. - Do we have enough IV fluid? - Rachel, I need a hand in here. Get these kids out of here, please. Get these children out. - Doctor, she's fully dilated. - She's having a baby? Yes, he'll come out like a gumball. Hold her hand while she bears down. OK, dear.
Come on, push. - Push. - You got my arm. Hey! Just take deep breaths. Good. Good girl. It was a head. It went back up, but it was a head. Good girl. Good girl. - When you're ready. - Breathe slow now. - Good girl. You're doing well. - Another one is coming. - You know what to do. - Oh, my God! - Good. Good. - I did another. - Don't worry. Push now. - Oh, my God! - Push! - It's coming! It's coming out. It's a baby! - Doctor, catch it. - Oh, my God, it's a baby boy.
- It's a boy. - It's a baby! It's a baby! It's a baby! - There's a lot of mucus. - It's a baby boy. - Look at the nuts on your baby. - Rachel, you cut the cord. - Oh, baby. - OK. Oh, my God, baby! - Hold him. I'm not holding him. - You should be proud. You worked real hard. Would you give the baby back to Mommy now? We'll keep you warm. - Good girl, you did well. - Here's your baby. - That's your mommy. - It's my baby. - Thank you, Doctor. - You're a good mommy. - Good baby, too. - You act as if you've never seen one. I've seen one before. Every time I deliver a baby, it's like the first time. It's a baby. Everything worked out great. He's fine.
- Great. Thank you, Doctor. - Thank you. Thanks. Well... Victory cigar? What's your favourite flavour? - Red. - Red. Shit! - I'll never get one. You saved his life. - Me? You did. - No, you did. - It was a team effort. - You and me was a team? - We make a good team. - ER? - Yeah, I... - Hello, Doctor. - Hi. Do you like moving from hospital to hospital? Never getting to know the people you work with. - Is that a proposal? - It's an offer. Well, I have been thinking I should be more serious about my career. OK, junkies, change shifts. Here you go. Shit, man!
- Who is he? - Where'd he come from? - Man, get up. - Help me turn him over. - Give us a hand. - Get his head out of the water. - Give it up. - We got ourselves a dead cop. - He washed in. - Call ER. - He's dead. Who was he? - The cop who brought me in. - You killed him? - There's gotta be another boat key. You're in on this. Hold the light. - Jack! - You chickenshit! Shit. As New Yorkers woke up to the aftermath of the storm, they found widespread damage and blackouts. The cop didn't drown. He was strangled. Did you see a man in prison denims in hospital tonight since the blackout? It's my fault. Please think. He had a limp. Wait. Why would someone come back if he's trying to escape? He killed a cop.
You escape while the body's warm. - Right. - This guy's been dead for ten hours. The causeway was still in then. It didn't go out till I tried to escape... evacuate. He got off the island when the lights went out. - You want to believe that. - I'll radio the city police. Come on, Box. I go free, you go free. You'll come to my house for dinner. Meet the wife and kids. I got no clothes. I'll lend you some. We'll just let out the shoulders a little. Miss Atwood, come in, please. Miss Atwood, come in, please. - Arthur? - You'll never guess where I've been. I've been held hostage in the psycho ward. When you have a free moment, could you come up and let me out? Oh, God. Shit. Yes! Miss Atwood is a witness that I agree to these demands of my own free will. - "Nurses with bigger..."? - Just open the door! Hold it. I want Kevin Lennihan. This guy makes me crazy.
Get me Lennihan. - Lenni-who? - I thought we made a deal. - Kevin Lennihan. I want him here. - I don't know him. He's black like me. Late 30s, moustache. He ain't crazy like us. - Where the hell is he? - Tell him he's gone! - Describe him some more. - He was in real estate. He owned his own helicopter. He ain't bonkers. He just acted that way to stay out of jail. He's crazy, but just about them damn Lifesavers, especially red. - He didn't stick around... - Shut up. He didn't run out on us. Listen, lady. Either you bring Kevin Lennihan to me or sunshine here ends up part of the goddamn parking lot! - Get that? - Yes, sir. - Talk to these people! - Shut up or I'll feed you to Fido! Louis, no, no. No, ma'am. You know our condition. Get outta here.
Give her some juice. - How's everything? - Fine, thank you, Doctor. I'll tell Dr Joffe you're OK. He's going into law. - What's the game? - The game's craps. Mr Lennihan. He's cheating you. Mr Lennihan. I can't stand this! You better give me my money. How could you? Stolen jewels are one thing, but delivering a baby? ! What was going on in your mind? What if it was breech? A hundred things could've gone wrong. I would've been responsible, not you. You took advantage of everyone, especially me. I'm history in this hospital. I tore open the front door because of you. I blew up Chambers' lab. - I took the risks. - What risks? - You were playing with people's lives. - Rachel. Don't call me Rachel, I'm Miss Atwood. Where would you have been without me? You made me believe anything was possible.
You'd have fallen on your face if it wasn't for me. I don't deserve this shit. You deserve to be in jail, which is where you're going once you free Chambers. - Wait. - For what? You've a heart bypass scheduled? A little brain surgery? I'm not gonna free Chambers if I go to jail anyway. We'll have to make a deal. Nobody goes to Dannemora. Nobody, especially Box. I want your word. No one goes to Dannemora. OK. Nothing for you though, right? Wrong. I'm getting out. All I want is a boat and I'm outta here. You see, now I know who you are. You're Lennihan. - Nothing for nothing, right? - Call it like you see it, OK? Is it a deal? Yeah. This is what you wanted, isn't it? Lennihan! All right, Lennihan, my man! I knew you was coming back! - What's going on? - I agreed to two conditions.
He gets safe conduct, no one goes to Dannemora, Box'll let you out. - Absolutely, it's a deal. - Look at you, man. Eight hours ago, you was a dog. Now you're a doctor. You make me proud to be an American, I swear. This is very touching, but... Unless you really want to get touched, shut up and get out of my face. You got a way with people, Box. Chambers wanted to let me out, but I didn't think it was a good idea. No, not this way, Box. You're probably right. Yeah, you're right. - You really trust her. - She's a stand-up lady. Your word is gold with me, bubba, gold. This is where I was headed 12 hours ago. Had some fun. Made a friend. Why is she pissed off at you? I can't get it. I do. - But you acted like a pro. - I'm not a pro. I'm a bullshitter, like she said. I'm full of shit. 97, 98, 99,100! Get outta here and don't come back! - He's not getting away. - We made a deal.
Stop being a fool. He's not getting off this island. A man's escaped from Psycho. Secure the grounds. The causeway's out. He's got to be hiding in the hospital. Forget the grounds. We'll turn the hospital inside out. If he should suffer injury during recapture, no one will be reprimanded. That's a promise. Nobody asked her what to do. Everybody asked you. You had all the great ideas. - She's a hard-ass. - No more about that lady. Just untie me. I don't want to take the dock with me. I'm trying to start this boat. We needed the air. There was no circulation. How...? Arthur. You couldn't tell a doctor from a psychotic con man? Calm down. We heard what you've been through. Terrible! But console yourself, no matter who Slattery was, we didn't lose a single life tonight. That's what's important. You won't think so when you're in court. What are you talking about?
We can justify everything. "We"? "We"? You! You were the senior physician here. Don't. We have to stick together. You went over the wall on your own. The hospital won't share your liability in disregarding procedures! But the situation... You're looking at a litigation blizzard! Anyone who catches a cold has a good case for malpractice. Junkies roaming the halls. Orderlies prescribing diets. Dismembered ambulances. And a helicopter in my fucking lobby! Oh, God! Why did I become a doctor? I could've been a lawyer. Given the shape this hospital is in, I don't see what other choice Dr Foster had. You'll be asking that question for years, when you're practising medicine in Idaho. You're finished in this city. - They have lots to thank you for. - Fuck off. What are you talking about? Thank you for your professional opinion. You'll be back emptying bedpans. - Me? - This is totally uncalled for. They did what had to be done.
If you treat them like this... - Yes? ...I will resign. That's the first helpful thing you've done. Clear your desk. Keep going! Keep going! It's not your problem! Oh, shit! Get back! Get back! Jail, remember? - The fire's in the laundry room. - God, what next? Across the lawn. Be careful. The fire's out back. The fire's out back. Get everybody out front. You're going the wrong way. Dr Joffe, get to OR. Check on Tommy Pinto. Dr Foster, over to ICU. We may have to evacuate. Everybody move it. Get everybody out front. And some equipment. We may need it for fire victims. Everybody move it! Nobody's moving!
Do as he says! - Dr Slattery, great to have you back. - I'm Kevin Lennihan. - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. Lennihan. - Louis! - Yes! - Pull out the hose. Come on! - Get it straight. Forwards, not backwards! - It's hot, man! - I know. But don't give up on me now. The exits are in that direction. Calm down. The key to the boat. - The key. - I don't have it. - Don't lie to me. - Here, take 'em. You come for insurance. Give me more line! Stay with it. It's him. Now he's trying to burn down my hospital! Security, bring weapons and sharp objects. I've got you now, Lennihan. - Incitement to riot.
Kidnap. Arson. - Fuck you! Destruction of my...! Way to go! - Sir, Ms Ellis is stuck... - Fuck Ms Ellis! - Get this maniac. He's not a doctor! - Why should they listen to you? Arrest him. That's an order. Are you deaf? Lennihan saved your hospital. - That's right. - He's right. You're as gullible as the halfwits in the psycho ward. He's conned you all. I'm a con man? What are you, Chambers? You've conned them into believing you could run this hospital. They're scared and pissed off at you. You know why? I'll tell you. You never let them use their own minds. You come down on them. They don't know how to deal with it, so they panicked. You've got good people. Some real stars. Besides that, you got a great hospital.
This is an insanity plea! You're telling me how to run a hospital? Industrial accidents! Preventive maintenance is the key. If you'd used that, Tommy Pinto wouldn't have gone up on the roof in a hurricane. - Accidents happen. - Emergency generators! They went out. Chief administrator's responsibility. You tell him, Doc. Nobody's interested in these wild allegations. Press! Radio. TV. Newspapers. I know people who'd be glad to print this story. If that don't work, these people have stories they'd be willing to tell the press. You bet! You don't want to get her started. Please help me, someone. Security. Chambers. Please, I'm in the boiler room. Stucky's after me. - He's still on the island? - Oh, Christ! - Give me that. Cover the grounds. - Who's Stucky? - Oh, my aching balls!
- That should do it. Louis, I need help. Can you hear me? Send me somebody quick. Come on! The key! The key! This is the end. I don't need you any more. No. Please, no. We got the place surrounded. Permission to move in. No. I got the bastard in my sights, sir. Permission to fire. Get that helicopter outta here! I hope you get him when they come out the door. If they come out the back door, we got 'em. What if they go back in the hospital? We can't have that. Nobody's guarding the back of the hospital. This is a Big Daddy with a big ten-four... What about the girl? We kill everybody. No! Please. Shit, sir. Move it! - Which way to the boat?
- The door. Over there. Rachel, run! - Eddie! - Go! Go! One, two... Come on, baby. Come on. Black bastard! I'll kill you! - Rachel, get out! - Come on. Get out! - Where's the boat? - Over there. Damn you! I'm gonna get that motherfucker. I'm OK. Come on. All right! Nobody kicks my dog, motherfucker! Oh, shit! Motherfucker! - You fucking wimpo doctor! - I am not a doctor! We some bad black motherfuckers, ain't we? Damn right, bubba. Are you all right? Take care of them.
Not them. Him! All right. Come on, Stucky. Let's say your files were destroyed in the fire. Thanks. You're free and clear. You can start all over. - I like the sound of that. - Get outta here, Lennihan. - Damn, bubba. - You the man, Lennihan. You take it easy, Fido. - Why couldn't you be Dr Slattery? - I wish I could be who you wanted. - But I'm not. - I think you might be, Mr Lennihan. - Would you have dinner with me? - I'd like that. Very much. Eight hours ago, I was a lunatic in an insane asylum. Right? Now I got a yacht. I met a nice lady. Proud to be an American. MAN: ...to recover contents such as shoes, socks and undergarments. And now an item of special note. Barring any change in the weather, the softball game between the 133rd and 4th Infantry Divisions will resume as scheduled at the Ban Mi Thout Park, corner of Viet Ho and Hguen Van Theiuh streets here in Saigon. Please make a note of it.
Ahem. Excuse me. Those men who lost equipment in last week's rains are asked to contact Lieutenant Sam Scheer. Lieutenant Schneer... Lieutenant Scheer asks those men with waterlogged mitts to make every effort to dry them out in the sun before requesting new ones. Bookworms, Headquarters Support Activities Saigon operates libraries at six locations in the Republic of Vietnam. American personnel can check out a book in Ku Bai, Da Nang, Phung Tao, Saigon, Bien Hoa and San Treng. If you can't stop in and select your own books, write to the HSAS Library. Ask for the books by author, title and subject, and your selections will be mailed to you. With the holiday season rapidly approaching, those personnel wishing to spend Christmas cards home... Wishing to send Christmas cards home to the States are asked to do so no later than August 13th due to a yearly mail rush at that time. Don't disappoint your... [STATIC BLARING] [PLANE ENGINE ROARING] LEVITAN [ON RADIO]: So take your liberties, but watch the liberties you take. Lost luggage. The Armed Forces sincerely regrets any inconvenience due to luggage lost on transport carriers. Personal missing luggage... That should be personnel missing luggage. ...are asked to drop a card to Major Gerald Kleiner over at the 5th. The card should be no larger than 4-by-5 inches and should describe the contents of your duffel. Major Kleiner requests that you do not describe your duffel, as all duffels look alike. Those personnel with lost bag... MAN 1: Yeah, that's right, man. MAN 2: Hurry up, man. MAN 3: All right.
MAN 4: Hey, sarge, where are the women? - Airman Cronauer? - You got it. Welcome to Saigon, sir. - Careful, you could put an eye out. - God, it's warm, huh? CRONAUER: Warm? No, this is a setting for London broil. GARLICK: I'm Private First Class Edward Montesque-Garlick, sir. CRONAUER: Well, first thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name. GARLICK: Heh-heh-heh. I like you already, sir. Actually, what I am, sir, is your Armed Forces Radio Saigon assistant who's in charge of orientation and billeting of enlisted personnel and company clerk. CRONAUER: I'm impressed. [ENGINE GRINDS] - It's already started. - I understand. [GARLICK LAUGHS] ["DREAM ON LITTLE DREAMER" PLAYING ON RADIO] LEVITAN [ON RADIO]: This is AFRS, Radio Saigon. AFRS Radio is owned and operated by the United States government and operates on an assigned carrier frequency of 540 at 749 megahertz. Jesus, that guy's as boring as whale shit. Not really.
See, the purpose is to inform you as to the radius of the radio waves. Mantovani? They play Mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs. General likes easy listening. I have to inform you... Mayday. Dragon lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock, stop the car. GARLICK: I can't, sir. CRONAUER: You don't understand. I've been on a Greek island with women who look like Zorba. I never thought I'd find women attractive again. Now that I do, you won't turn the car around? - Thanks a lot. - You have a very important meeting. There she is again. How did she get ahead of us? GARLICK: That's another person, sir. She's beautiful and quick. Speed up, check her stamina. This is incredible. Oh, my God. They're quick, they're fast and small. [CRONAUER LAUGHS] I feel like a fox in a chicken coop. MAN: We got a new man coming in. Don't you understand, Dick?
DICKERSON: No, sir, frankly, I do not understand. Would you kindly lower your tone, please? Yes, sir. I run this show, general. If anything screws up, it's my ass in the mower. I deserve to be notified of any changes that are made. Nobody's arguing that with you. Look, I caught his show on the Isle of Crete, and this guy is funny. I damn near busted a gut laughing at him. And the troops, they love him. This is a tempest in a teacup. Much ado about nothing. For crying out loud, man, this isn't brain surgery. Don't get crazy over this, Dick. We're only talking about a damn deejay. There is no such thing as "only" anymore. Not now, not in Saigon. Lieutenant Steven Hauk is our immediate supervisor. He's a little goofy, but he's okay. Sergeant Major Dickerson, ha, that's another story altogether. He was a commander of an elite special forces unit. He came to us because of prostrate problems and some sort of social infection that doesn't go away. Plus, I think he got shot in the ass, but I can't confirm that. Heh-heh-heh. Anyway, he's the man that you don't want to aggravate. CRONAUER: Are you always this happy? TAYLOR: Cronauer.
- Sir. At ease. I'm General Taylor. - Hi, general. - Real pleasure. Listen, if you have any problems here now, you come see me. I'm the tallest hog in the trough around here. - Garlick, have you put on some weight? - I don't think so, sir. My son, the shadow of your ass would weigh 20 pounds. GARLICK: I'll work on that, sir. You're not supposed to address the general saying hi. CRONAUER: Is that a new rule? GARLICK: No, old rule. - That's Lieutenant Hauk in there. - Who's the guy with the ears? How you doing? You could fly to Guam with those. Um, Airman Cronauer, sir. You know, it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once in a while. - Sorry. HAUK: Thanks. I understand you're pretty funny as a deejay. And, well, comedy is a kind of hobby of mine. Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby. Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.
- Really? - Yeah. And perhaps some night, we could maybe get together - and swap humourous stories for fun. CRONAUER: Yeah. Why not? Maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records. That'd be a hoot, heh. - That's a joke, right? - Maybe. - I get it. CRONAUER: Mm-hm. Where's this man's paperwork? - Right here, sergeant. - Thank you, sir. Hmm. United States Air Force. The hat does give you away. This is not military issue, airman. What sort of uniform is that? Cretan camouflage. If you wanna blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks, there's nothing better. That is humour. I recognise that. I also recognise your species of soldier. I had a guy like you in the field one time. He blew himself to pieces. But not before his humour cost the lives of three very fine individuals.
- I hope... - You shut your fucking hole. You're in Southeast Asia now, pal. You got your cushy little assignment. There's nothing I can do about that. In time, you will make me forget it. You stay out of my way, there'll be no problem. But if you toy with me, I'll burn you so bad you'll wish you died as a child. Am I being fairly clear? - Yes, sir. - Sir? I work for a living, airman. You will address me as Sergeant Major Dickerson. Yes, Sergeant Major Dickerson. He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed, especially around the eyes. Hello, hello, hello. This is your chaplain, Captain Noel, [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING ON TAPE] your radio programme of personal beliefs. Great and manifold are our blessings today. This great, godly miracle of radio really gives me the opportunity to speak to you on the air. Sir, it's time to rise. My God, it's Mardi gras, and I'm on the main float. Come on, sir. In a couple of weeks, this'll be easy for you. - Oh, let me go back to bed. - You gotta get up, sir. - God, what time is it, Edward? - It's 5:30. Five-thirty, it's very early.
I may have to hurt you. - Call me in five minutes. - No, we have to get up right now. - And you have to get on the air. - Oh. - Come on, sir. - Fine. MAN [ON RADIO]: --has signed Les Crane to a talk show. GARLICK: It's just down the hall. CRONAUER: Yeah. - You must be nervous, sir, huh? - I'm not even in my body. GARLICK: Don't worry, it'll go great. This way, sir. MAN [ON RADIO]: --despite a letter of intention. We still have a few minutes before your show begins, sir. When it's time to read the news, you just take it off these machines here. But regardless of what you read, airman, the Department of Defence wants final say. So every item's checked by these two guys in here. Guys, I'd like you to meet our new deejay, Adrian Cronauer. That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz. ...Guy Monaco. He's impeccably clean. This man has cleaning products shipped in from Wisconsin. He's also one of your roommates, so if I were you, I'd think about suicide.
Sir, I really don't think that you wanna use any of those records, sir. We have a selection right here that's prepared... I've been looking forward to meeting you. Listen, could you do me a favour? Can you say something funny right this minute? - I doubt it. - Ha-ha-ha. I'm with you, man. I'm on your frequency. Hey, let me ask you a question. What is the appeal of Joey Bishop? I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny and he's not funny. Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy, but my father's nice and he's not funny either. Joey Bishop. I wish someone would explain this one to me. Incidentally, you're on the air in about ten seconds. Nine, eight, seven, six... Hey, this has been Fiction and Fact from Marty Lee's almanac. And now direct from Crete, welcome the silky smooth sound of Airman Adrian Cronauer. [YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam. Hey, this is not a test. This is rock 'n' roll. Time to rock it from the Delta to the DMZ. Is that me, or does that sound like an Presley movie? [SINGING AS ELVIS PRESLEY] Viva Da Nang, oh, viva Da Nang Da Nang me, Da Nang me Why don't they get a rope and hang me? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late. It's 0600.
What's the O stand for? "Oh, my God, it's early." Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz? Thank you for "silky smooth sound." Make me sound like Peggy Lee. "Good morning, Vietnam"? What the heck is that supposed to mean? I don't know, lieutenant. I guess it means good morning, uh, Vietnam. And who gave anyone permission to program modern music? Freddie and the Dreamers. [SONG PLAYING AT HALF-SPEED] [SLOWLY] Wrong speed. We've got it on the wrong speed. For those of you recovering from a hangover, that's gonna sound just right. Let's pull her right back down. Let's try it faster, see if that picks it up. [RAPIDLY] Let's get it up on 17, 18... [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] Those pilots are going, "I like the music, I like the music." Oh, still a bad song. Hey, wait a minute. Let's try something. Let's play this backwards and see if it gets any better. [SPEAKING BACKWARDS] Freddie is the devil. Freddie is the devil. [GASPS] [HUMS "THE TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME SONG] [AS ROD SERLING] Picture a man going on a journey beyond sight and sound. He's left Crete. He's entered the demilitarised zone.
[SCATS] [IN NORMAL VOICE] What is this demilitarised zone? What do they mean, police action? CRONAUER: Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn, "She looks pretty to me." Whatever it is, I like it because it gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino. What is a demilitarised zone? Sounds like something out of The Wizard of Oz. [AS GLINDA] Oh, no, don't go in there. [SINGING IN DEEP VOICE] Oh-he-oh Ho Chi Minh [AS GLINDA] Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon. You're among the little people now. [SINGING AS MUNCHKIN] We represent the ARVIN Army The ARVIN Army Oh, no, follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. [AS WITCH] Oh, I'll get you, my pretty. [IN NORMAL VOICE] It's the Wicked Witch of the North. It's Hanoi Hannah. [AS WITCH] Now, little GI, you and your little Toto too. [CACKLES] [AS HANOI HANNAH] Oh, Adrian, Adrian. What are you doing, Adrian? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Hannah, you slut. You've been down on everything but the Titanic. Stop it right now. You know, he's really funny. You know, he's like a Marx brother. And which Marx brother would that be, private?
Zeppo? - I don't find him funny at all. - Zeppo? Isn't he the one with the hat? Hey, hi, can you help me? What's your name? [SOLDIER] Roosevelt E. Roosevelt. [NORMAL] What town are you in? [SOLDIER] Poontang. [NORMAL] Thank you, Roosevelt. What's the weather like out there? [SOLDIER] It's hot, damn hot, real hot. Hotter things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. Crotch-pot cooking. [NORMAL] Tell me what it feels like. [SOLDIER] Fool, it's hot. Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot. You can be a little... I saw... It's so damn hot. I saw one of those guys, their orange robes, burst into flames. It's that hot. You know? [NORMAL] What's it gonna be like tonight? [SOLDIER] Hot and wet. That's nice if you're with a lady, ain't no good if you're in the jungle. [NORMAL] Here's a song coming your way right now. "Nowhere to Run To" by Martha and the Vandellas.
Yes. Hey, you know what I mean. ["NOWHERE TO RUN TO" PLAYING] Too much? Thank you, Marty. "Silky smooth sounds," get out of here. [CHANTING INDISTINCTLY] That is not what we program here. CRONAUER [ON RADIO]: This is AFVN, rocking you from the Delta to the DMZ. AFVN better than AFVD, which means you have to get a quick shot. We're moving on right now. ["I GET AROUND" PLAYING ON RADIO] CRONAUER: Here's a riddle for you. What's the difference between the Army and the Cub Scouts? Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery. CRONAUER: Hey, I'm Adrian Cronauer. I'm on again at 1600. Why? Because I have to, it's the Army. Talking out in the field today. Hi, what's your name? [SHOUTS] Bob Fliber! [NORMAL] Bob, what do you do? [SHOUTS] I'm in Artillery! [NORMAL] Bob, can we play anything for you? [SHOUTS] Anything! Just play it loud, okay?
CRONAUER: I have to admit something to you. I just came from Crete with women that look like Zorba. Whoo! Thank you. Those... [AS GOMER PYLE] Those girls are just so pretty. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Are you in Vietnam? [AS GOMER PYLE] Yes, I am. Surprise, surprise, surprise. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Why'd you name your daughter Linda Bird? [AS LYNDON JOHNSON] Linda Dog would be too cruel. Arf! Easy, girl, easy. Pick them up by their ears, it doesn't hurt them as much. [AS GOMER PYLE] Oh, you're going to hell for that one. CRONAUER [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Here's a coincidence: Ho Chi Minh, Colonel Sanders, actually the same person? You be the judge, our lines are open. We've got our traffic report up there on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. How's it going up there? Adrian, it's not going exactly well. There's a water buffalo jackknifed up there. It's not a very pretty picture. There's horns everywhere. I don't know what to say. We're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm and try and cook him down, maybe a little barbecue. ["GAME OF LOVE" PLAYING ON RADIO] CRONAUER:
We've got a special man in the audience today, it's Mr. Leo. He's a fashion consultant for the Army. [EFFEMINATELY] Adiran, I'm just very happy to be here. I want to tell you something. You know, this whole camouflage thing for me doesn't work very well. [NORMAL] Why is that? [EFFEMINATELY] Well, I can't see you. Heh, heh. You know, it's like wearing stripes and plaid. For me, I want to do something different. You go in the jungle, make a statement. If you're going to fight, clash. You know what I mean? [AS LAWRENCE WELK] Thank you for that lovely tune. That funky music will drive us till the dawn. Let's go. Let's boogaloo till we puke. [IN NORMAL VOICE] That's it for the Adrian Cron-Hour. I'm gonna take myself out of the driver's seat, but I'm gonna turn you over right now to Mr. Excitement. A man with limp, damaged hair, but nevertheless a fireball. Dan Levitan. This is AFRS, Radio Saigon, and yours truly, Dan "The Man" Levitan. Greetings and salutations to any and all servicemen in the area and thanks so much for joining us. [ALL CHEERING] - All right! Yeah! Yeah! - Ladies and gentlemen! Yeah, he's funny. I know funny and this guy is funny.
Sensational. - At ease. - Hell, we already are. Just cool your tongue, airman, because I intend to take issue with your performance. First of all, don't make fun of the weather here. And don't say that the weather is the same all the time here, because it's not. In fact, it's 2 degrees cooler today than yesterday. Two degrees cooler? Me without my muff, God. [DREIWITZ LAUGHS] DREIWITZ: I tell you, this guy's funny. - I'm trying to run a meeting here. You know, I hate the fact that you people never salute me. I am a lieutenant and I would like salutes occasionally. That's what being a higher rank is all about. Second... Second... - Programming taste. - Programming taste. Frankly, I found your "I love a police action" remark way out of line. How can you have the gall to compare the conflict here in Vietnam with a glass of cappuccino coffee? Well, I was... It just comes up, I was just trying to be funny. - Funny is good. - Yeah. Funny is good. But then do it by using comedy and humour. Not police action and coffee remarks. Furthermore, you are to stick to playing normal modes of music.
Not wild stuff. Those we would find acceptable here would include Lawrence Welk, Jim Nabors, Mantovani. Percy Faith. - Percy Faith, good. - Thank you. Andy Williams, Perry Como and certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra. - Would Bob Dylan be out of line? - Way, way, way out of line. Former VP Richard Nixon will arrive here this week. Dreiwitz, I've assigned you to cover the PC. He likes to say PC instead of press conference. - The lieutenant loves to abbreviate... - And if you do... And if you do happen to speak with him, please be polite and to the point at all times. Affirmative, sir. Affirmative, sir. Good. Okay. Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November? Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but turns out he won't come. Why not? He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir. [ALL LAUGH] - That is not funny. - How about if it escalated? - How about if what escalated? - The Vietnam conflict. The Vietnam conflict? We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big-name comedian.
We can get Tony Bennett or Trini Lopez. I got it. Jerry Vale. He closes the Copa on the 18th. - Is that date firm? - I got it from my niece. Come on, this is not the Catskills. Get somebody good, The Beach Boys. Don't dick around. We tried, but their agent says they're still on the beach and they won't be off the sand till November. Ha-ha-ha! Bada-bing! Well, didn't somebody wearing my uniform and bearing a striking resemblance to myself just say that that kind of music was inappropriate? Sorry, sir. I haven't been to sleep. - The former VP will be here on Friday. GARLICK: Ha-ha-ha. I expect every minute of the VP's PC to be taped and broadcast within 12 hours of his arrival. Something funny, Garlick? Perhaps you'd like to share it with the rest of us. No, sir. The former vice president is a delight, sir. Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the q.t., because if it leaks to the VC, he could end up an MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP. - I would like to leave the room now. - Oh, uh, yes, sir. [ALL LAUGHING] KIRK: Oh, what a dude.
[DREIWITZ AS HAUK] And if you do... [ALL AS HAUK] And if you do... Eddie Kirk here, and Ray Conniff jubilee coming up in just a few moments. I call it a jubilee. Actually, it's a Ray Conniff featurette. Three, maybe four, back-to-back Ray Conniff classics. GARLICK: We're here, sir. Jimmy Wah's. This is the place where we like to hang out, sir. CRONAUER: Real homey, in an opium kind of way. - Earl, Earl, Earl. - That's Jimmy Wah, he owns the place. Hi, hi, hi. Now you say hi to me, then you smile. [IN UNISON] Hi. Hey, you two Earl. What about couple beer? We'd love a couple of beers, Jimmy. CRONAUER: Either of our names Earl? - He calls everybody Earl. Is it me or is Jimmy light in the loafers? Let me put it to you this way. He's got this thing for Walter Brennan. He says he wants to buy naked photographs of the actor. - For three years, he's been trying. - Walter Brennan? You know, Walter Brennan from The Real McCoys, the TV show?
[AS WALTER BRENNAN] Well, well, well, Luke. Well, well. Anyway, there's this guy from the 1st Battalion, 2nd Infantry, who swore that he could get him naked photographs of the actor. I've been trying to tell him that it's no-go, but he won't listen. God. Nude photographs of Walter Brennan. Here your beer. - Thank you, Jimmy. - Right. Any movement on the Walter Brennan thing? - No, and it doesn't look good, Jimmy. - He look good to me. - Ba Muy Ba beer, best beer in Vietnam. - Ba Muy Ba beer, only beer in Vietnam. Try it. - Oh, what happened? - What happened? - Formaldehyde. - Oh. Heh, heh. We put in just a touch of formaldehyde for flavour. Some people get sick, yeah. So if you have to be rushed to a hospital, then when you return, I give you a free salad. Well, that seems fair. It really does. - You'll get used to it. - Maybe. There she is. Any girl who wants me this bad, I can't let her down. - The hunt is on.
- What is wrong? - I gotta catch her before she accelerates. WAH: You can't go yet. - You have to taste my spicy chicken... GARLICK: Sir. ...cooked with... Hi. How's Lynn doing? I'm sorry. You look like Lynn's friend from Toledo. Let me make it up to you by buying a cup of coffee. Also, tea would fall into that category. I not think be not correct of way. Please, okay? - What'd she just say? - She said no, sir. CRONAUER: Oh, Edward, I'm in love. Think she likes seafood? I'm... She's getting away. Edward, get the jeep, get the jeep. Okay. It's blocked in by a truck. Stay here, sir, I'll talk to the guys, okay? We don't have time. Taxi. - Bikes, we'll buy bikes.
- We won't buy bikes. There's actually no rubber on these tyres. Oh, picky, picky. Let's go, Edward. Yeah, the chase. [BICYCLE BELL RINGING] Sir! Sir, we have to get some dignity here. A little dignity! Sir! Sir, I tell you, this is not safe! Sir! Sir, sir! [TRUCK HORN HONKING] - Good afternoon, class. STUDENTS: Good afternoon, Mr. Sloan. SLOAN: Last time, in our last class, we read Chapter 3. Should've gotten the one with the training wheels, pal. I was almost killed. A truck's bumper was this far from my nose. My whole life passed before my eyes, and it wasn't even interesting to me. How am I gonna get to first base with this girl? SLOAN: I want to buy some butter and some cheese, please. It zoomed right by, just the way they say it does. Stamp collections, pulling chickweed from my dad's dichondra plants. Arranging rakes by sizes for my mom in the garage. Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull.
- I find that very alarming. - Edward, stay with me on this. How am I gonna get this girl to go out with me? You're not. This is a very different culture. You would need very specific family-sanctioned introductions - in order to talk to this girl... CRONAUER: Shh! Listen. - It read for my the book. - I've never heard rhymes like that. God, I've gotta be with her, at least till she learns my name. You think the teacher would be able to date her? - Possibly, but you would need... - Just what I wanted to hear. ...specific introductions. SLOAN: What we're gonna talk about today is shopping. Shopping for dinner and the things you buy during, uh... In your shopping trip. Specifically... Excuse me. Can I help you? Yes, I have two months to live and I would like to teach before I die. I don't think you understand me, Sparky. Ahem. It's all yours, you got it. Hello, class. My name is Adrian Cronauer.
And I'd like to get to know all of you by having you write down your name, address, your home and work phone on paper, and passing it forward. Sergeant Sloan our teacher. You're not supposed to be in here. I was sent here on very strict orders from a colonel. First thing I'd like to know is what subject this is. - Is it English? CRONAUER: Yes, it is. And how lucky for me. Thank you very much for playing. Now, let's start off with the fact that English is a fantastic language. Let's try a little phrase, uh, I like to call: "My boyfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble. Hey, nah, hey, nah, my boyfriend's back." Can we try that one? Can we try, "My boyfriend's back"? Anybody? She's not for you. Why do I feel like the miracle worker up here? [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY AS HELEN KELLER] GARLICK: This is a nightmare. CRONAUER: I don't know. Even saying that means I don't know dick. I can't really teach English. Didn't have to pick up the phones until he comes back. I can only tell you about how you can talk on maybe the real streets of America. If you're walking on the streets of New York and someone says, [FLATLY] "Hey, excuse me. I would like to buy some cheese and some butter."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] No. No, come on. Basically, we talk, "Hey, man, what's happening? You look hip today. Slip me some skin." If someone in America comes up and says, "Slip me some skin," don't be afraid. They're not a leper, they're not gonna go: No, it means like, "Hey, baby, slip me some skin." It's a greeting. It's like, "How are you doing? Slip me some skin." Here's how you do it, "Slip me some skin." Put your hand out there. Then you go. "Yeah, there's some skin." Now you do it to me. Yeah, now, then you say, "Groovy, yeah." Say that. MAN: Groovy. - Yes. [STUDENTS LAUGH] Baby. If something's really nice, you say it's groovy. Doesn't mean you're like going: No, it means groovy. Try that one. Say, "Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove." Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove. [BELL RINGS]
- See you later. - Mr. Cronauer, I really liking you. - Well, I'm liking you too. - Thank you. - You teach American thing okay. CRONAUER: Okay. WILKIE: Play game of softball. Okay, yeah, well, we'll try and do that if we get the equipment. - You forget the girl. - Oh, I'll let her say no. She's say no. That's what walking away from you means. I'm interested in the girl, not in you playing "Dear Abby." I know because she's my sister. I would, however, love to buy you lunch, maybe look at a family album. - Come on. - I not like you, sir. Why not? I got a great personality, you ask anybody. You phoney, like American and French before you. Here to get something, leaving when you not get it. You come into my class, so maybe we like you. You come for the girl, you get her, you go. Okay, Sherlock, yeah, I bribed my way to meet the girl. You got me, bang. But, hey, I like the class, so I'm gonna stay. Let's be friends, okay? Come on.
- Come on, come on. - You like me because of my sister. No, I like you because you're honest. Because you're shorter than I am. We look like a before and after picture. Come on, let me buy you a beer. Sometimes your face look like a fish in the Gulf of Thailand. That's true, it's very true. That's an insult, isn't it? TUAN: You can buy me lunch, but please forget about my sister. I know Americans. You see a girl with the type breasts they like and they put her in a fancy car, and they buy her some expensive food, and then lie about money. And then try and take her into a bed. CRONAUER: So, what's wrong with that? TUAN: It's more devout here. CRONAUER: Any food on this street that doesn't give you diarrhoea? TUAN: You wanting some? What the hell is this? Oh, she pour nuoc mam noodle soup with fish ball. Didn't know they had balls. Eat. Eat. I can't, it's still paddling. No, it okay. I not tell you okay otherwise.
You like it. You see? You don't trusting me. I trust you, man, it's just that I can't eat something that looks like a cesspool. You mad I not trust you, but true, you not trust me. You want be my friend, you trusting me. You would eat it. Hey, I'll be... I wanna be your pal. Here, okay, I'll eat it. Dig in. Mm-mm. Jeez! Shit! God. Oh, hot. My... Ow. Shit. This stuff is burning the hair off my feet. Hot? No, hot? No, it's fucking great. [COUGHS] - She say it's a little spicy. - A little, yeah. Isn't that funny? You like that too? A little of this: whoo-whoo-whoo. She likes the Three Stooges.
[AS CURLY] Hey, Moe, hey, Moe. Oh, me like that you're silly. - You old enough for this place? - I think so. Hi, Earl, good to see you again. - Look at the new friend. - A little too young for you. I want to show you something very nice. - Oh, really? - It look wonderful. - I can confide you? - Sure. Look at the shape of that soldier ankle, the way it so elegantly curve into his boot. Help me get some photo of those ankle, I give you my bar. You're a very sick man. You know that, don't you? Thank you. Oh, God. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new voice of Saigon, Adrian Cronauer. Cronauer! Not enough for the car, yeah. - What happened? CRONAUER: It didn't work out. I wanna introduce you to someone right now from my English class. This is Tuan, the guys. - Hey, Tuan. - How you doing? - Guys, Tuan.
- Have a seat, man. Pull up a floor here. Hi, Tuan, long time no see. - Terrible, that's terrible. - Those are gorgeous gals. I've... I'll never have them. I've wanted girls like that, but I've had trouble as a young child. Who the hell gets laid as a young child? And stop calling them gals. Cowgirls are called gals. Those are gorgeous French-Vietnamese B-girls. Don't ruin it by conjuring up images of Dale Evans, all right? Can you believe the shape of those gals? Girls. Shape of the blue. No, those behinds were designed by a Jewish scientist in Switzerland, Dr. Feintush. Dr. Heimlich Feintush. We're trying to meet them, but nobody can come up with any good lines. Wait a minute, try this one, try this one. Oh, girls, girls, come on over. Your loss. Pardon me, girls? Excuse me, girls. Hello, hello. Come on, yes. [SINGING] Here she comes, Miss Southeast Asia Say, we're not supposed to fraternise with these girls. It says so in the memo. No fraternising with these girls in the memo.
Forget memos, forget memos. These are pretty women coming. CRONAUER [SINGING]: Here she comes KIRK: It's working. McPHERSON: Oh, yeah, this way, please. CRONAUER: Thank you. - Hey. - Hello, I'm William Holden. KIRK: Right here. This way, this way. CRONAUER: Merry Christmas. McPHERSON: Bingo. CRONAUER: Merry Christmas. If you believe in Santa... How come I don't get one? Dan Levitan. You've probably heard my radio show. WOMAN: Hi. LEVITAN: What's your name? LEVITAN:
My name is Levitan. Can you say that? SERGEANT: Who brought in the gook? LEVITAN: Levitan. WOMAN: Levitan. I said, who brought in the fucking gook? WOMAN: Levitan. WOMAN: I love you. CRONAUER: A khaki eclipse. TUAN: I better go now. That's all right. I did. Hey, come on now, if you kick out the gooks, you have to kick out the Chinks, spics, spooks and kikes, and all that's gonna be left in here are a couple of brain-dead rednecks, and what fun would that be? Now is when I stop talking. Come on, let me buy you a couple of beers. How about it? - Are you crazy? - I might... - Shut up. - Okay. SERGEANT: Get him out of here.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, come on now. You gotta prove something, knocking around Vietnamese kids? This is a GI bar. We don't like gooks. We don't want him here. You just get him out. Everybody say "gook," but it's all right. - Jump in any time, okay? - We're there. I gotta tell you something, you know. I've been all around the world, seen a lot of places and a lot of people. I have never ever, in my travels, come across a man as large as you with as much muscles, who has absolutely no penis. He mean that as compliment. Oh, shit. That's it for you, asshole. Call police, quick. MAN 1: Hey, hey, man, hey! MAN 2: Get him. Talk. These two were physically abusing a Vietnamese national. - I thought since we were here to... - So you start a brawl. Turn the place upside down. Real intelligent solution. Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me look to have a man under my command start a fucking bar brawl? - You're not gonna last long here, pal. - You can always send me back to Crete.
Oh, you think this is a joke? I can come up with alternatives other than Crete. I'm real good at stuff like that. I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet. You don't think I can come up with something good? Can you envision some fairly unattractive alternatives? Not without slides. A bar brawl, that's one, Cronauer. You better stay cool. You better not get involved in anything. You better not even come within range of anything that happens, or your ass is grass and I'm a lawnmower. - Am I being fairly clear? - Yes, sir. Sir? Do you see anything on this uniform indicating an officer? What does three up and three down mean to you, airman? End of an inning. Sergeant major. Now, you get the hell out of here right now. [DREIWITZ SCATTING REVEILLE] CRONAUER: Jesus, enough. Please, I'm... Bag it! Wake up, Mr. Sleepy Head. You are late. Gentlemen, what can I say but hi. - Hi. - Hi. Okay, which one of you guys is throwing his voice?
Oh, censor, censor, censor. Join the Army and mark things. Hey, what kind of news are you leaving me there? "Nixon, Singapore, Lake Erie." Come on. Come on, you're on in like two seconds. It's time for Adrian Cronauer. [YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam. Hello, campers. Remember, Monday is malaria day. Time to take that big orange pill and get ready for the Ho Chi Minh two-step. We're back. Here's the news. All the news that's new and approved by the U.S. Army, the sweetest-smelling army in the world. [MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE] "Great Britain recognised the island state of Singapore." How do you recognise an island? You go, "Hey, wait. No, don't tell me, wait, wait. Didn't we meet last year at the Feinman bar mitzvah? You look a lot like Hawaii. Didn't we meet last year at the Peninsula Club?" No. "Pope Paul VI celebrated a Mass in Italian." Call me crazy, he's in Rome. I wanna kiss his ring and have it go: [WHISTLES] "The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today." What is a protective dike? A woman by the river going, [IN DEEP VOICE] "Don't go near there"? Don't go near there.
Get away from the river, stay away. [NORMAL] I know we can't use "dyke." You can't even say "lesbian." It's "women in comfortable shoes." Thank you. Here's the weather. We're gonna go to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt. Roosevelt, how's it going? [SOLDIER] I'm with somebody. Don't come bother me right now. [NORMAL] Can't you give us weather? [SOLDIER] Not now. I'm trying to score, back off. [NORMAL] What's the weather like? [SOLDIER] You got a window. [NORMAL] We'll go to someone else for the weather. We have to go to Washington to Weather Central to Walter Cronkite. Walter, what's the weather like? [AS WALTER CRONKITE] I want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what it is, what it shall be, what it was. Weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. CRONAUER: Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a waggon round up. [IN NORMAL VOICE] We're gonna hit some songs at you now. Coming your way. What the hell was that? Crappy weather, shitty weather? - Comedy, sir. - Comedy? No, no. This is not comedy. Comedy is fun.
- It's antics, hysterical-type things. - Hysterical-type things? Airman Cronauer requesting you to elaborate. Antics, damn it. Comedy of errors, like the Keystone Kops falling down. - General wackiness like that. - Falling down, that's a sight gag. - How would anyone see you fall? - No, no, no. Not literally falling down. McPHERSON: Wouldn't work on radio, sir. - See, sir? What I mean is in the spirit of the Keystone Kops. Sir, it wouldn't work, I don't think. I don't think anybody would see you fall through a radio, sir. If a field radio... What are you doing here? - I thought I'd come and help smooth... - Don't help and don't smooth. And you. You are not funny. But you are a maniac, and you'd better start changing your life. CRONAUER: Sir? Thank you for that constructive criticism. It's a privilege to take comedy notes from a man of your stature. Fine. Just don't let it happen again. [SIGHS]

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