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Two men golfing... Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go. The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, “What’s wrong?” He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.” The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.” He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, “What’s wrong?” The first guy says, “Small world.”
My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone. I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.” He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?” I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
I was visiting a desserts factory last week when my girlfriend fell into the gelato machine Now she's sore bae.
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Kevin: Did you hear the one about the flying cows? Kole: Yes. What about it? Kevin: It was a complete and udder lie.
A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!" Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea Genie: poof om: it didn't work
scientist 1: how did you discover that dolphins have sex for pleasure? scientist 2: [flashback to the craziest night of their life] math
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Best knock knock joke ever.. Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
A little girl asked her Dad one day, "Dad, do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time?'" Her Dad replied, "No honey, some of them begin with If I'm elected.'"
My wife put on a sexy cop outfit.. My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed. After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."... ...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
WAy back in the day Canada was originally called CND So America calls CND and asks them to spell it so they know what to write on their maps. The guy from CND replies, "C eh, N eh, D eh."
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer. The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college. He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
[OC] Hey, Reddit. Wanna hear a joke about a defective condom? Actually, never mind. You pricks would probably just poke holes in it.
German girlfriend My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse. A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first
One night a viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.” His wife asked, “How do you know?” He said, “Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
A man gets a phone call from his wife's doctor Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS. Man: Well how are we supposed to know which? Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row… They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don't worry; I yelled "I'm taken," and ran into the men's bathroom where she can't follow.
A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap. “What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks. The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?” “Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is." “Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”
At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
A Guy walks into a bar A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time... .. and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
A wife yells at her husband Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
Mark J: What did the beekeeper say to his colony to encourage them? John J: I haven’t the foggiest. Mark J: “Honey doesn’t grow on trees.”
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess." "Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
There was a woman with 100 children… There was a woman with 100 children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them so she just names them 1-100. 99 of the kids die. The only survivor is the kid named 90. 90 grows up and has kids of her own. One day, the kids find a stray dog. 90 did not want them to keep it. The kids decide to keep the dog secretly. They name the dog “this” so that they can say things like “Let’s take this outside” without 90 finding out. One day, this suddenly dies in a car accident. Only 90’s kids remember this.
Question: What did the Cabbage say to the cab driver when he passed his stop? Answer: "STOP THE CAB-BAGE" Ps - The joke is to say it out loud and figure out what you are actually saying.
My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me. **Her:** "Do you know any jokes?" **Me:** "No." **Her:** "I'll teach you one." "Knock! Knock!" **Me:** "Who's there?" **Her:** "Ash." "Now ask, Ash: who?" **Me:** "Ash: who?" **Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze." **Me: rekt**
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber. I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
A girl dialed her own no. from her bf's cell to see her name saved in list like doll or sweetie.she was shocked to see............Mukesh plumber..:)
Two wives ho out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?" says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. "What do you think we should do?" she asks. Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"
A Russian went for an eye check up. The doctor showed him some letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY "Can you read this?" The Russian responds, "Read? I even know this guy. He's my cousin."
A shark and his son go looking for a snack... The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them." "Why circle them?" asks the son. The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."
I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish." Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man." God:"Why the Swedish man?" Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."
A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch. A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, "I'm finished. But you should know that your car's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.” “Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”
The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.
A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in town. Once she finds him she tells him she wants to lose her virginity to him. After they have sex the nun takes him home, reaches into her purse and gives the man $100. The man says “wow I got to take your virginity and you will pay me the sex must’ve been amazing “ The nun tells the man “ No the money is for you to buy some smaller shoes.”
So I was at my bank today. There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations. The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"
Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks? They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex. And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk... His wife was up waiting for him... "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many.” “That one is a freebie.”
Did you hear about that baby boy that was born with no eyelids? The doctors actually used his foreskin from circumcision to construct his eyelids. He's OK, but just a little cock-eyed.
Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
For all you Engineers out there; A statically indeterminate beam walks into a bar, the bartender asks: "What do you want?" The beam replies: "Oh, just give me a moment."
im back with another knee slapper !! "i leterally did nazi see that coming! - an frank funny joke am i righte ??
My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic. But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely. ​
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy. His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
Alex: Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory? Moses: No. What happened? Alex: He took a day off .
[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this A horse walked into a bar Bartender: Hey Horse: Yes please
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship... ...before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
When Snoop Dogg proposed He got down on bended knee, opened up a box with a ring in it and said: "Marriage. Wanna?"
William: Do you want to hear a racing joke? Jacob: Sure. William: Never mind. That one’s re-tired.
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup... I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Overheard a phone conversation today **Father** - "What has a small dick and hangs down? **Son** - "What?" **Father** - "A bat. What has a big dick and hangs up?" **Son** - "What?" "click"
While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up. “Don’t bother, young man,” said the customer. “It’s self-rising.”
Alexander: What did the boat dock say when it was arrested? Bob: What? Alexander: “I demand a jury of my piers.”
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
What travels down an alley and has holes in it? A bowling ball. Or Bruce Wayne's parents.
My son asked me this morning what self-reference meant? [this should explain it](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm6mw)
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? Rooster goes CockaDOODLEDOOO!! Prostitute goes AnyCOCKLEDOOO!! (Such an old joke maybe some of these young redditors have never heard it ;)
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because. It's my way or the Huawei.
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?” The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on tides. The librarian says, "I'm sorry sir, that's just gone out."
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them for a minute and says, "What is this, a joke?"
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something. So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"
My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her. She answered: "What's up, honey?" What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!" He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
ANDY: Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? ASHTON: No. What about him? ANDY: He needed a little space.
I sent the guy on the couch to the store for bread. I'll get 6 texts and a phone call and he'll come back with peaches.
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
MARK J.: What did the beekeeper say to his colony to encourage them? JOHN J.: I haven’t the foggiest. MARK J.: “Honey doesn’t grow on trees!”
I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili... The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
HENRY: Do you want to hear a joke about a ruler? TIMMY: Sure. HENRY: Never mind. It’s too straightforward.
Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. “I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. “I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home. “I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here."
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
What does a good joke and a man who's dropped his last Viagra down the drain have in common? A missed erection.