SeppeV/example_user_recs · Datasets at Hugging Face

user_recs stringlengths 43 799
I once dated a girl who had a twin. People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy. Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.
Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift? He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says : "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!" The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed. She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said... "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "$200 and it's yours."
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A Trump supporter asked an opponent what the candidate should do for the American taxpayer. The opponent laughed and said, "How about becoming one himself?"
Connor: What did the snail say while it was riding on top of the turtle? Bonner: I haven’t the foggiest. What? Connor: “WHEEEEEE!”
I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
JOEY: Did you hear about the guy who dreamt he was a muffler? ROSS: No. What happened? JOEY: He woke up exhausted.
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. “Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.” “Good. What comes after three?” “Four,” answered the boy. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?” “Jack.”
My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
What did the starving, homeless couple say to the nurse outside the abortion clinic? Fetus please.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"
An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, Crushed nuts? No, he said. Arthritis.
This is a mean joke. A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything. When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath “Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in. The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here" So they swapped sandwiches.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism." The whole bar died laughing
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type-O.”
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!” The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”
I can remember my first day at school The teacher looked at me during register and asked, "Are you chewing?" I said, "No, chewing is probably one of the foreign kids, my name is David."
Last night, a cop pulled me over. "Out of the car!" he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
In a Mediterranean restaurant...(xpost /r/puns) What did the sick chef say to the bus boy? "Oh man, I feelafal"
INTERVIEWER: under skills you've listed "gets jokes" ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Henry: Do you want to hear a joke about a ruler? Simon: Sure. Henry: Never mind. It’s too straight forward.
FINLEY: What did the math teacher say to the train? TEASAN: No idea. FINLEY: “That’s the wrong answer, but you’re on the right track.”
A man asked a genie for a twelve-inch prick. He got a little man who ran up and down the bar kicking over drinks.
Me: "Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean." Dry cleaner: takes off headphone "Sorry, come again?" Me: "No, mustard."
If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."
Want to hear a joke about my penis? Ahh forget it.. it it's too long. Woman replies: want to hear a joke about my vagina? Ahh never mind... you'll never get it.
A grandmother sat on her porch knitting three socks when someone walked by and asked, “Why are you knitting three socks?” The grandmother replied, “Because my grandson said he’s grown a foot since joining the Army.”
Chris: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Bryan: No. How is it? Chris: It had great food, but no atmosphere.
Suprise me! I went to the pub last night and the barman asked what I wanted so I said "suprise me" He then showed me a naked picture of my girlfriend
Tombstone request: Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin. The engraver shortened it to: " Returned unopened."
A black man walks into a music store... ...and asks an employee if they have anything by 'The Doors'. To which the employee responds "yeah, two security cameras, so get lost"
The next time you're tempted to crack an easy joke about a typo on a Chinese menu, consider how well you write in Mandarin or Cantonese.
Taha: Do you want to hear a joke about chemistry? Billy: Sure. Taha: Never mind; all of them Argon. Ha! I slapped my Neon that one.
LIAM: Have you heard the joke about yoga? KYLE: No. What is it? LIAM: Never mind; it’s a bit of a stretch.
KARTHIK: What did the snowman say to the other after he returned from a skiing trip? JOE: What did he say? KARTHIK: “It’s snow good to be back!”
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny! [ ](http://multivu.prnewswire.com/mnr/warnerbros/42096/images/42096-hi-Bugs_Bunny.jpg)
No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
An elf walks into a bar. (LOTR) The hobbit laughed and walked under it.
Did you hear about the prize-winning author that got a chicken in the mail? It was a pullet surprise!
The other day I saw a short man carrying an LED tv and I asked " hey do you help carrying that tv?" And he replied all pissed off "Fuck off dude, this is my tablet"
I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible. Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.
Erik: Why did the pony go to the doctor? Leroy: Beats me. Erik: It was a little horse.
My girlfriend just emailed me "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
I'd tell you a joke about my penis. . . But it's too short & not many people get it.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!" The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
My three year old girl asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
A bear walks into a restaurant. The waiter asks him what he would like. The bear says, “A steak … and a salad.” The waiter asks, “Why the big paws?”
[biologists find beached whale] its a new species what can we call it? [surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro [biologists look at each other]
How do you insult an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from.
Peter: What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Elaine: What? Peter: It let out a little wine!
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
A man goes to the doctor... and he says, "Doc, my eye hurts when I drink coffee." Doctor says, "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup first?"
Sabur: What did the alien say to the puzzle? Devin: Not sure. Sabur: “I come in peace. You come in pieces.”
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?” I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl. I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection." But.....she did.
Here's some advice for all men If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
ALEXANDER: I was going to tell you this joke about a party with really good refreshments. JIMMY: Why don’t you? ALEXANDER: I can’t remember the entire joke. But I know there was a long punch line.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a drink and………some peanuts." The bartender asks, "Why the big paws?"
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?" The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!" "Not this time son, our dog is dead"
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call. "911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
A photon checks into a hotel... A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. Photon replies: "No, I'm traveling light"
A wife yells at her husband... Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........? Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"
What did the popular astrophysicist's father say to him after his cleat came undone at soccer practice? "Kneel in the grass and tie, son."
Why did the car thief drill holes in the air conditioning units of the cars he stole? Because he my take your ride but he will never take your freon.
Did you hear about them computer geeks, who were also miners by trade, who sang a cover of that Motorhead song? They called it The Acer Spades.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.” The librarian says, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?” “Sorry,” he whispers. “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
My grief counsellor died the other day.. But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
A man walks into a psychologists office... wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychologist says "It's a good thing you came. I can clearly see your nuts"
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold. I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
[on phone with debit fraud] Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all Me: DUDE IT'S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE BG: M: Sometimes. Yes
Little Timmy and Little Jimmy saw a Quarter in the Road. . . Little Timmy rushed out to grab it, and got hit by a truck. Little Jimmy laughed cause he knew it was a nickel.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Cinderella Joke What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? UGHACKLURB (Gagging noise)
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem." Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
So I got these shoes from my drug dealer... I don't know what he laced it with but I have been tripping all day. s/o to my professor for telling this joke to me today and giving me a good laugh.
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Yesterday at around 830pm a man pulled out a pair of scissors at me Luckly I had enough agility and I pulled out a rock because if I were have pulled out paper he would have won.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Did you here about the IKEA corporation getting away with having that guy killed? None of the detectives could seem to piece the clues together.
This joke came to me while waiting on my iphone repair at the Apple store.. What do people at the Genius Bar drink from? -Einsteins

I once dated a girl who had a twin. People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy. Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift? He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says : "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!" The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed. She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said... "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "$200 and it's yours."

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A Trump supporter asked an opponent what the candidate should do for the American taxpayer. The opponent laughed and said, "How about becoming one himself?"

Connor: What did the snail say while it was riding on top of the turtle? Bonner: I haven’t the foggiest. What? Connor: “WHEEEEEE!”

I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away

JOEY: Did you hear about the guy who dreamt he was a muffler? ROSS: No. What happened? JOEY: He woke up exhausted.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. “Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.” “Good. What comes after three?” “Four,” answered the boy. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?” “Jack.”

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

What did the starving, homeless couple say to the nurse outside the abortion clinic? Fetus please.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, Crushed nuts? No, he said. Arthritis.

This is a mean joke. A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything. When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath “Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in. The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here" So they swapped sandwiches.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism." The whole bar died laughing

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type-O.”

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!” The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

I can remember my first day at school The teacher looked at me during register and asked, "Are you chewing?" I said, "No, chewing is probably one of the foreign kids, my name is David."

Last night, a cop pulled me over. "Out of the car!" he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

In a Mediterranean restaurant...(xpost /r/puns) What did the sick chef say to the bus boy? "Oh man, I feelafal"

INTERVIEWER: under skills you've listed "gets jokes" ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Henry: Do you want to hear a joke about a ruler? Simon: Sure. Henry: Never mind. It’s too straight forward.

FINLEY: What did the math teacher say to the train? TEASAN: No idea. FINLEY: “That’s the wrong answer, but you’re on the right track.”

A man asked a genie for a twelve-inch prick. He got a little man who ran up and down the bar kicking over drinks.

Me: "Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean." Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* "Sorry, come again?" Me: "No, mustard."

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

Want to hear a joke about my penis? Ahh forget it.. it it's too long. Woman replies: want to hear a joke about my vagina? Ahh never mind... you'll never get it.

A grandmother sat on her porch knitting three socks when someone walked by and asked, “Why are you knitting three socks?” The grandmother replied, “Because my grandson said he’s grown a foot since joining the Army.”

Chris: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Bryan: No. How is it? Chris: It had great food, but no atmosphere.

Suprise me! I went to the pub last night and the barman asked what I wanted so I said "suprise me" He then showed me a naked picture of my girlfriend

Tombstone request: Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin. The engraver shortened it to: " Returned unopened."

A black man walks into a music store... ...and asks an employee if they have anything by 'The Doors'. To which the employee responds "yeah, two security cameras, so get lost"

The next time you're tempted to crack an easy joke about a typo on a Chinese menu, consider how well you write in Mandarin or Cantonese.

Taha: Do you want to hear a joke about chemistry? Billy: Sure. Taha: Never mind; all of them Argon. Ha! I slapped my Neon that one.

LIAM: Have you heard the joke about yoga? KYLE: No. What is it? LIAM: Never mind; it’s a bit of a stretch.

KARTHIK: What did the snowman say to the other after he returned from a skiing trip? JOE: What did he say? KARTHIK: “It’s snow good to be back!”

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny! [ ](http://multivu.prnewswire.com/mnr/warnerbros/42096/images/42096-hi-Bugs_Bunny.jpg)

No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

An elf walks into a bar. (LOTR) The hobbit laughed and walked under it.

Did you hear about the prize-winning author that got a chicken in the mail? It was a pullet surprise!

The other day I saw a short man carrying an LED tv and I asked " hey do you help carrying that tv?" And he replied all pissed off "Fuck off dude, this is my tablet"

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible. Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Erik: Why did the pony go to the doctor? Leroy: Beats me. Erik: It was a little horse.

My girlfriend just emailed me "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

I'd tell you a joke about my penis. . . But it's too short & not many people get it.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!" The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

My three year old girl asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

A bear walks into a restaurant. The waiter asks him what he would like. The bear says, “A steak … and a salad.” The waiter asks, “Why the big paws?”

[biologists find beached whale] its a new species what can we call it? [surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro [biologists look at each other]

How do you insult an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from.

Peter: What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Elaine: What? Peter: It let out a little wine!

I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back

A man goes to the doctor... and he says, "Doc, my eye hurts when I drink coffee." Doctor says, "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup first?"

Sabur: What did the alien say to the puzzle? Devin: Not sure. Sabur: “I come in peace. You come in pieces.”

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?” I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl. I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection." But.....she did.

Here's some advice for all men If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

ALEXANDER: I was going to tell you this joke about a party with really good refreshments. JIMMY: Why don’t you? ALEXANDER: I can’t remember the entire joke. But I know there was a long punch line.

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a drink and………some peanuts." The bartender asks, "Why the big paws?"

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?" The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!" "Not this time son, our dog is dead"

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call. "911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"

A photon checks into a hotel... A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. Photon replies: "No, I'm traveling light"

A wife yells at her husband... Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........? Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

What did the popular astrophysicist's father say to him after his cleat came undone at soccer practice? "Kneel in the grass and tie, son."

Why did the car thief drill holes in the air conditioning units of the cars he stole? Because he my take your ride but he will never take your freon.

Did you hear about them computer geeks, who were also miners by trade, who sang a cover of that Motorhead song? They called it The Acer Spades.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.” The librarian says, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?” “Sorry,” he whispers. “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

My grief counsellor died the other day.. But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

A man walks into a psychologists office... wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychologist says "It's a good thing you came. I can clearly see your nuts"

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold. I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

[on phone with debit fraud] Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all Me: DUDE IT'S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE BG: M: Sometimes. Yes

Little Timmy and Little Jimmy saw a Quarter in the Road. . . Little Timmy rushed out to grab it, and got hit by a truck. Little Jimmy laughed cause he knew it was a nickel.

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

Cinderella Joke What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? UGHACKLURB (Gagging noise)

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem." Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.

So I got these shoes from my drug dealer... I don't know what he laced it with but I have been tripping all day. s/o to my professor for telling this joke to me today and giving me a good laugh.

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Yesterday at around 830pm a man pulled out a pair of scissors at me Luckly I had enough agility and I pulled out a rock because if I were have pulled out paper he would have won.

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

Did you here about the IKEA corporation getting away with having that guy killed? None of the detectives could seem to piece the clues together.

This joke came to me while waiting on my iphone repair at the Apple store.. What do people at the Genius Bar drink from? -Einsteins