SeppeV/example_user_recs · Datasets at Hugging Face

user_recs stringlengths 43 799
My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents" She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!" I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".
Erin: What did the mother bullet say to the daddy bullet? Fran: What? Erin: “We’re gonna have a BB!”
Caleb: Did you hear about the guy who got hit by a can of Pepsi? Al: No. Is he OK? Caleb: Yes. Luckily, it was a soft drink.
A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, “Can we help you with your luggage?” The photon says, “No, thanks. I’m traveling light.”
Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.
You hear about the guy who lost his eyelid in an accident? They used his foreskin for a skin graft. He turned out just fine, but he was a little cock eyed.
Brandon: What did the dog say to its owner after it bit the clown? Miles: I don’t know. What? Brandon: “This tastes funny!”
Sex and bread.. A man and his wife are talking. W- can you help me in the garden? H- do i look like a fucking gardener? W- well can you help with the door? H- do i look like a fucking carpenter? Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done. H- see I knew you could do it! W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor. H- how much you pay him? W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread. H- I hope you gave him bread. W- Do I look like a fucking baker?
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence edit: I kinda thought it was funny, and poof it has 3000 upvotes. Thanks for the motivation
Yet another Yo Mama joke Yo mama so dumb she thought "Ping Pong Balls" was a Chinese STD.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.” I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier... "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That’ll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn’t have any." "Any what?" "Yes please!"
Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go? They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show. I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."
What kind of dog did the sad cantaloupe get? A melon collie!
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock. Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
If we could put bread in a particle collider... We could discover new quarks and glutons.
Did you hear about the guys who snorted curry powder instead of cocaine? One of them now has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
ZANE: Why did the chicken cross the playground? SAM: Why? ZANE: To get to the other slide.
Isabelle: What did the one trafﬁc light say to the other? Mike: Tell me. Isabelle: “Don’t look; I’m changing!”
Why did jimmy eat his Homework? Because the previous day, the teacher told her students; "Don't worry guys, it's gonna be a piece of cake".
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?” One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher. &#x200B;
BRIAN: Why was Cinderella kicked off the softball team? GRAYSON: I don’t know. Why? BRIAN: Because she kept running from the ball.
How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
A Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: "Hey let's go screw that little boy" Rabbi: "Out of what?"
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.” Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then says “Okay, okay. We were watching porn.” Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother. ^
Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler.... The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"
On the bus I was sitting on the bus and this super hot Thai girl gets on and sits next to me I think to myself "Please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner" She did.
When the circus came to town they ran a competition to find the best contortionist.. ..so I entered myself and won
KAYLEN: What did the water polo player say after pranking his friend? BOWEN: I don’t know. KAYLEN: “April Pools!”
I've just found my iPhone autocorrects "cunt" to "Cynthia." Which means somewhere in Steve Jobs' past is a woman with one HELL of a story.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” "No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I fell asleep at a party the other night and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went fuckin mental. No one treats me like a mug
JULIEN: What did the mother spider say to the teen spider? ALEX: What? JULIEN: “You spend too much time on the web.”
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
Two old ladies, sat in a cafe eating a teacake. First one says, "did you come on the bus?" Second one replies, "yeah, but I made it out to look like an epileptic fit".
What did John and Yoko say when their son wouldn't eat his vegetables? "All we are saying is give peas a chance."
A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit. He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers. He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait. Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess." "Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright." "No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father." "I know," I whispered, "Thats why I poisoned you."
How do you embaress an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Blonde Joke of the day Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D
One half of reddit will be mortified, the other will laugh at this joke. What did the south tower say to the north? BRB man, I've got to catch a plane. Im soz.
My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"
Heard about the Polish Coyote? Chewed three legs off.. and still had one in the trap.
Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
KARTHIK: What did one snowman say to the other after it returned from a skiing trip? FRED: What did it say? KARTHIK: “It’s snow good to be back.”
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw... He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning "I", then he points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says "what the fuck is wrong with you, I said I needed a handsaw!" The other worker says "I knew that, I was trying to tell you I'm coming."
I went to the doctor the other day wearing nothing but clingfilm ....... I sat down, the doctor turned and looked at me to say "Clearly I can see your nuts!"
Joey’s mom: Joey, there were two pieces of chocolate cake in the kitchen, and now there’s only one. Can you explain that? Joey: I guess I didn’t see the other piece!
I got a phone call from my son's school today Hello, is that Mr Jenkins? Yes, how can I help you? Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling Oh, hi Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands! Really? Wow! That’s.. Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
One night, a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.” His wife asked, “How do you know?” “Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
I've got a great sense of humor closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
DILLON: Have you ever heard the joke about the skunk? MICHAEL: No. What is it? DILLON: Never mind. It stinks.
Dylan: Why did the dog cross the road twice? Cooper: I haven’t the foggiest. Dylan: It was trying to fetch a boomerang.
[NSFW] A highschool is having a talent show. The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it. A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs. The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."
RAAGHAV: Knock, knock. JIM: Who’s there? RAAGHAV: Water. JIM: Water, who? RAAGHAV: Water you telling jokes for right now? Don’t you have things to do?
A boy was watching TV with his father When a sex scene came on. "well son, time for bed" the father says. "but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains. The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties It didn't help that she was still wearing them. Or that his whole family was there. That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward. And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t. It’s my longest running joke of the year.
Mukund: Did you hear about the phone that went to the dentist? Beckham: No. Why did it go? Mukund: It had a Bluetooth.
What did the leper tell the prostitute? [Keep the tip!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0PIdWdw15U)
My grief counselor died the other day But he was so good I didn’t give a shit
Amy: What did the tree stump say to the newspaper? Megan: I haven’t the slightest idea. Amy: “I am your father.”
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? Put a plunger in the toilet
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
Joey: Did you hear about the guy who dreamt he was a mufﬂer? Ross: No. What happened? Joey: He woke up exhausted.
Science joke The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here" He orders a drink A Tachyon walks into a bar Who wants to hear a Tachyon joke?
Olive Garden waitress begins to freshly grate cheese onto my salad. I never say when. Room fills with parmesan. No one survives.
Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."
What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing? Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing" The guy says "looking for me" . . . .
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing... Probably because it's a Dell
Dillan: Why did the banana go to the doctor? Ben: Why? Dillan: It wasn’t peeling well.
DAD: May I see your report card? SON: I don’t have it. DAD: Why not? SON: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired...and all of Target went silent.
My friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties It didn't help that she was still wearing them. Or that his whole family was there. That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward. And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
Have you heard about the new restaurant on Mars? The atmosphere was ok, but the place looked a bit rusty.
accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I'm too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup
A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . . . . . except for his boots. “Where your clothes at, Slim?” “Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’ So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’” Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’ So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”
Did you hear about the guy would couldn't open the gherkin jar? He was in quite a pickle.
Hear about the blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus Burned her lips on the exhaust pipe
Four Surgeons Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded." The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."
[karate sign up table] "Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class"
"That's not it." A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
comes into work with black eye oh please I'm fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I went to my 35th high school reunion and realized that "the one that got away" turned into a "dodged a bullet."
John: What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? Zack: What? John: A cookie sheet.
A boy asks his mom, "Is it bad to have a penis?" She says "No, why" "Because Dad is upstairs trying to pull his off"
I bought a box of condoms earlier today The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said nah, I'll just turn the lights off.
RYAN: What does a duck say when it walks into a barber shop? LEVI: I’m clueless. RYAN: “Put it on my bill!”
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!
Did you know semen leaves the penis at 50 miles per hour? That means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone, but I don't think I got arrested because of the speed.
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy? A manhole cover
In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags. Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents" She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!" I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

Erin: What did the mother bullet say to the daddy bullet? Fran: What? Erin: “We’re gonna have a BB!”

Caleb: Did you hear about the guy who got hit by a can of Pepsi? Al: No. Is he OK? Caleb: Yes. Luckily, it was a soft drink.

A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, “Can we help you with your luggage?” The photon says, “No, thanks. I’m traveling light.”

Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.

You hear about the guy who lost his eyelid in an accident? They used his foreskin for a skin graft. He turned out just fine, but he was a little cock eyed.

Brandon: What did the dog say to its owner after it bit the clown? Miles: I don’t know. What? Brandon: “This tastes funny!”

Sex and bread.. A man and his wife are talking. W- can you help me in the garden? H- do i look like a fucking gardener? W- well can you help with the door? H- do i look like a fucking carpenter? Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done. H- see I knew you could do it! W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor. H- how much you pay him? W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread. H- I hope you gave him bread. W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence *edit: I kinda thought it was funny, and* poof *it has 3000 upvotes. Thanks for the motivation*

Yet another Yo Mama joke Yo mama so dumb she thought "Ping Pong Balls" was a Chinese STD.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.” I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier... "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That’ll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn’t have any." "Any what?" "Yes please!"

Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go? They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show. I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

What kind of dog did the sad cantaloupe get? A melon collie!

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock. Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

If we could put bread in a particle collider... We could discover new quarks and glutons.

Did you hear about the guys who snorted curry powder instead of cocaine? One of them now has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

ZANE: Why did the chicken cross the playground? SAM: Why? ZANE: To get to the other slide.

Isabelle: What did the one trafﬁc light say to the other? Mike: Tell me. Isabelle: “Don’t look; I’m changing!”

Why did jimmy eat his Homework? Because the previous day, the teacher told her students; "Don't worry guys, it's gonna be a piece of cake".

Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?” One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher. &#x200B;

BRIAN: Why was Cinderella kicked off the softball team? GRAYSON: I don’t know. Why? BRIAN: Because she kept running from the ball.

How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: "Hey let's go screw that little boy" Rabbi: "Out of what?"

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.” Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then says “Okay, okay. We were watching porn.” Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother. ^

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler.... The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

On the bus I was sitting on the bus and this super hot Thai girl gets on and sits next to me I think to myself "Please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner" She did.

When the circus came to town they ran a competition to find the best contortionist.. ..so I entered myself and won

KAYLEN: What did the water polo player say after pranking his friend? BOWEN: I don’t know. KAYLEN: “April Pools!”

I've just found my iPhone autocorrects "cunt" to "Cynthia." Which means somewhere in Steve Jobs' past is a woman with one HELL of a story.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” "No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

I fell asleep at a party the other night and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went fuckin mental. No one treats me like a mug

JULIEN: What did the mother spider say to the teen spider? ALEX: What? JULIEN: “You spend too much time on the web.”

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"

Two old ladies, sat in a cafe eating a teacake. First one says, "did you come on the bus?" Second one replies, "yeah, but I made it out to look like an epileptic fit".

What did John and Yoko say when their son wouldn't eat his vegetables? "All we are saying is give peas a chance."

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit. He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers. He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait. Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess." "Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright." "No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father." "I know," I whispered, "Thats why I poisoned you."

How do you embaress an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Blonde Joke of the day Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D

One half of reddit will be mortified, the other will laugh at this joke. What did the south tower say to the north? BRB man, I've got to catch a plane. Im soz.

My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"

Heard about the Polish Coyote? Chewed three legs off.. and still had one in the trap.

Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

KARTHIK: What did one snowman say to the other after it returned from a skiing trip? FRED: What did it say? KARTHIK: “It’s snow good to be back.”

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw... He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning "I", then he points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says "what the fuck is wrong with you, I said I needed a handsaw!" The other worker says "I knew that, I was trying to tell you I'm coming."

I went to the doctor the other day wearing nothing but clingfilm ....... I sat down, the doctor turned and looked at me to say "Clearly I can see your nuts!"

Joey’s mom: Joey, there were two pieces of chocolate cake in the kitchen, and now there’s only one. Can you explain that? Joey: I guess I didn’t see the other piece!

I got a phone call from my son's school today Hello, is that Mr Jenkins? Yes, how can I help you? Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling Oh, hi Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands! Really? Wow! That’s.. Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

One night, a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.” His wife asked, “How do you know?” “Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

I've got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

DILLON: Have you ever heard the joke about the skunk? MICHAEL: No. What is it? DILLON: Never mind. It stinks.

Dylan: Why did the dog cross the road twice? Cooper: I haven’t the foggiest. Dylan: It was trying to fetch a boomerang.

[NSFW] A highschool is having a talent show. The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it. A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs. The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

RAAGHAV: Knock, knock. JIM: Who’s there? RAAGHAV: Water. JIM: Water, who? RAAGHAV: Water you telling jokes for right now? Don’t you have things to do?

A boy was watching TV with his father When a sex scene came on. "well son, time for bed" the father says. "but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains. The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties It didn't help that she was still wearing them. Or that his whole family was there. That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward. And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t. It’s my longest running joke of the year.

Mukund: Did you hear about the phone that went to the dentist? Beckham: No. Why did it go? Mukund: It had a Bluetooth.

What did the leper tell the prostitute? [Keep the tip!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0PIdWdw15U)

My grief counselor died the other day But he was so good I didn’t give a shit

Amy: What did the tree stump say to the newspaper? Megan: I haven’t the slightest idea. Amy: “I am your father.”

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? Put a plunger in the toilet

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

Joey: Did you hear about the guy who dreamt he was a mufﬂer? Ross: No. What happened? Joey: He woke up exhausted.

Science joke The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here" He orders a drink A Tachyon walks into a bar Who wants to hear a Tachyon joke?

Olive Garden waitress begins to freshly grate cheese onto my salad. I never say when. Room fills with parmesan. No one survives.

Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing? Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing" The guy says "looking for me" . . . .

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing... Probably because it's a Dell

Dillan: Why did the banana go to the doctor? Ben: Why? Dillan: It wasn’t peeling well.

DAD: May I see your report card? SON: I don’t have it. DAD: Why not? SON: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired...and all of Target went silent.

My friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties It didn't help that she was still wearing them. Or that his whole family was there. That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward. And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

Have you heard about the new restaurant on Mars? The atmosphere was ok, but the place looked a bit rusty.

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I'm too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . . . . . except for his boots. “Where your clothes at, Slim?” “Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’ So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’” Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’ So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”

Did you hear about the guy would couldn't open the gherkin jar? He was in quite a pickle.

Hear about the blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus Burned her lips on the exhaust pipe

Four Surgeons Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded." The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

[karate sign up table] "Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class"

"That's not it." A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I'm fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

I went to my 35th high school reunion and realized that "the one that got away" turned into a "dodged a bullet."

John: What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? Zack: What? John: A cookie sheet.

A boy asks his mom, "Is it bad to have a penis?" She says "No, why" "Because Dad is upstairs trying to pull his off"

I bought a box of condoms earlier today The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said nah, I'll just turn the lights off.

RYAN: What does a duck say when it walks into a barber shop? LEVI: I’m clueless. RYAN: “Put it on my bill!”

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*

Did you know semen leaves the penis at 50 miles per hour? That means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone, but I don't think I got arrested because of the speed.

What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy? A manhole cover

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags. Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.