SeppeV/example_user_recs · Datasets at Hugging Face

user_recs stringlengths 43 799
Did you hear about the antennas that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes? They should get a No-Bell prize. :)
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What did the doctor say to the rude patient who was reluctant to get stitches from him? "Fine, suture yourself."
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Monroe: What did the trailer and the truck do after they fell in love? Amanda: What? Monroe: They got hitched.
I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday. That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1
German girlfriend My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
A new study says that lesbians have more orgasms than straight people. Of course they do. Have you ever heard of a dildo premature ejaculating?
Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony? The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time. The most popular woman? The one that can eat the 12th doughnut.
A priest, a rabbi and a gorilla walk into a bar. The bartender looks over and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone] ME: who ya gonna call? [1 hour later] ME: who ya gonna call?! [2 days later] ME: sobbing I am so lonely
[NSFW] Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago.. My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
A philosopher says to the linguist... "What if, instead of periods, woman had apostrophes?" The linguist replied, "They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions."
What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? "Let us prey."
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."
Owen: On which show do detectives solve crimes committed by lawn gnomes? Oscar: Tell me. Owen: “Lawn Order.”
[unleashes dog at dog park] me: don't embarrass me now dog: i won't sees pretty girl me: hi, i'm dog: he drinks wine through a straw
A prisoner said to me today "Boss, I think my cellmate is a fag" "cos he closes his eyes when i kiss him goodnight"
COP: [flashes his light into my car] ME: struggles to roll down window "Sorry this isn't my car."
A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar. The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.
LORELAI: What has two words, starts with P, ends with E and has thousands of letters? OLIVE: I don’t know. LORELAI: A post office.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on. "Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention. It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it is race-related
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
Umit: Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Abe: Why? Umit: It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Mike: Want to hear a chemistry joke? Logan: Sure. Mike: Sorry. All of them argon.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
Q: Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator? A: He didn't want to see the salad dressing.
Son to his father as they watch television: "Dad tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel."
What did the Mancunian abortion doctor say to the fetus? "Don't look back in hanger"
A dad walks into his son's room... A dad walks into his son's room and says: "Son, how many times have I told you... If you keep masturbating, you'll go blind." The son responds: "Dad! I'm over here."
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.” This is how politics works.
Why did the maniacal chemist drop a rancher into his latest concoction? Because the rancher was a cattlist.
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with? "Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear. "So mama bear?" asks the Judge. "Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear," says baby bear. "So who would you like to live with?" the Judge asks curiously. "My grandma bear in Chicago." says baby bear. "Your grandma bear doesn't beat you?" asks the Judge? "Oh no the Chicago Bears don't beat anyone."
Thought of this while making breakfast. What did the microbiologist bring to the art fair? A cup of yogurt.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say "We ride together, we Die together."
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
tell me tbe "the aristocrats" joke Can someone tell me a good version of the aristocrats joke I'm trying to tell my friend but kinda mutilated it
10 engineering professors board a plane Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book. One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them. To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"
Q. Why did the line dancer cross the dance floor? A. To get to the other (Electric) Slide!
NIKOU: What did one llama say to the other when it was time to go on vacation? NILA: I don’t know. NIKOU: “Alpaca up.”
A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday. This joke would be funny if it had a punchline Wooden tit
Why did Robert Oppenheimer's wife go to the beach naked? There was no bikini atoll
2 guys walk into a bar. The first one says i want h2O and has a drink. Says damn this is good. The second guy says "bartender, I want some h2O too." The second guy dies.
Two prostitutes are walking down the street... One turns to the other and asks "have you been picked up by the fuzz yet?" The other replies "No, but I've been slung around by my tits"
Did you hear the one about Ferguson? It's a riot.
Harambe walks into a bar... "What'll you have?" says the bar tender "I'll take a shot." said Harambe
My dad told me I should fuck both of you. Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says. While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you". "You're lying" they retort. Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?" "what's the point of fucking one".
Ian: What did the detective say about the mystery of the bottomless pit? Calista: What? Ian: “I’ll get to the bottom of this.”
Noah: A man was driving his vehicle when he came across two paths. Then one of his tires went ﬂat. Emma: What happened? Noah: He came to a fork in the road.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick" She said: how do you get dick from kyle? I replied: you just ask nicely.
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex? I'll be home in 20 minutes.
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
SEAN: What happened to the man who made a silent alarm clock? SAM: What? SEAN: He won the Nobel Prize!
Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"
The cashier wasn't impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said "Keep the change" from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name? It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.
What did one gay man say to the other gay man in the gay bar? Stand up and I'll push your stool in. Yeah it's gross.
GIOVANNI: What unit did the chicken use to measure his feed? GIUSEPPE: I don’t know. What? GIOVANNI: A peck!
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in. Doctor: I have some good news and bad news. Me: Tell me the bad news first doc. Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe. Me: No way. Whats the good news? Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful. Me: What are you trying to say? Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work. Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
Bob: What did the conductor say when asked to play “The Messiah”? Rob: I haven’t a clue. Bob: “I don’t think my orchestra can Handel it.”
Jorge: Why did the boy tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? Rodrigo: I don’t know. Why? Jorge: So he wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex. My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know
What did the nihilistic sea world trainer say to his boss? "There is no porpoise."
MATILDA: What did the Scout say to the fish? FAITH: What? MATILDA: “Catch you later.”
The best joke I know. [Link to the joke.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eialt/oh_you_sneaky_little_bastard/)
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The penis game. Not technically a joke, but it's always fun. Just replace one word of a movie title with the word, "penis". Indiana Jones and the Temple of Penises
One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose. “Whoa, what happened, Carl?” Max asked. “I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied. “What?” Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!” Carl replied, “There was in this one!”
Fun things to do pt 1 When you're stuck in traffic and some guy revs up his engine just yell out "alright we get it you have a small penis"
Parker: What is the best part of a boxer’s joke? Harper: Tell me. Parker: The punch line.
SHEPHERD: Did you hear about the cat that married the glove? BEN: No. What happened? SHEPHERD: They had mittens.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha GENIE 2: i just...gave mine money GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
A judge recently prosecuted a woman for flashing a man to get "new ink done" It was a case of tit for tat
Did you hear about the guy who smashed up a Chinese restaurant? They put him in jail for wonton destruction.
One day when I was young...... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!” “Why are you calling me Grandpa?” “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help. She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
A woman goes to the doctor... The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?" She responds, "Every time I sneeze, I orgasm" The doctor ask, "Are you taking anything for it?" "Yeah, pepper."
Why did the little girl drop her ice cream? She got hit by a bus. Sequel: Why did the little girl's sister drop her ice cream? Someone threw a fridge at her.
Ryan: My baseball coach told me to run home during the game. Lexi: Did you score a run? Ryan: No. I ran to my house.
What did the business man say to the gangster? Pull up your fucking pants.
Go to racist joke, what's yours? Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs"
AARAV: Why did the duck cross the road? STEVE: I give up. AARAV: To prove that it was not a chicken.
ACE: What do you call an eagle that plays a piano? GENE: What? ACE: Talon-ted.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
PEDRO: Will you remember my name in an hour? PEE WEE: Sure. PEDRO: Will you remember my name in a minute? PEE WEE: Yes. PEDRO: Will you remember my name in a second? PEE WEE: Of course. PEDRO: Knock, knock. PEE WEE: Who’s there? PEDRO: You didn’t remember my name!
My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.” So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

Did you hear about the antennas that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes? They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

What did the doctor say to the rude patient who was reluctant to get stitches from him? "Fine, suture yourself."

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

Monroe: What did the trailer and the truck do after they fell in love? Amanda: What? Monroe: They got hitched.

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday. That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

German girlfriend My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

A new study says that lesbians have more orgasms than straight people. Of course they do. Have you ever heard of a dildo premature ejaculating?

Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony? The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time. The most popular woman? The one that can eat the 12th doughnut.

A priest, a rabbi and a gorilla walk into a bar. The bartender looks over and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone] ME: who ya gonna call? [1 hour later] ME: who ya gonna call?! [2 days later] ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

[NSFW] Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago.. My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

A philosopher says to the linguist... "What if, instead of periods, woman had apostrophes?" The linguist replied, "They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions."

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? "Let us prey."

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

Owen: On which show do detectives solve crimes committed by lawn gnomes? Oscar: Tell me. Owen: “Lawn Order.”

[unleashes dog at dog park] me: don't embarrass me now dog: i won't *sees pretty girl* me: hi, i'm dog: he drinks wine through a straw

A prisoner said to me today "Boss, I think my cellmate is a fag" "cos he closes his eyes when i kiss him goodnight"

COP: [flashes his light into my car] ME: *struggles to roll down window* "Sorry this isn't my car."

A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar. The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

LORELAI: What has two words, starts with P, ends with E and has thousands of letters? OLIVE: I don’t know. LORELAI: A post office.

A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on. "Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention. It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it is race-related

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.

Umit: Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Abe: Why? Umit: It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Mike: Want to hear a chemistry joke? Logan: Sure. Mike: Sorry. All of them argon.

When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…

Q: Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator? A: He didn't want to see the salad dressing.

Son to his father as they watch television: "Dad tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel."

What did the Mancunian abortion doctor say to the fetus? "Don't look back in hanger"

A dad walks into his son's room... A dad walks into his son's room and says: "Son, how many times have I told you... If you keep masturbating, you'll go blind." The son responds: "Dad! I'm over here."

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.” This is how politics works.

Why did the maniacal chemist drop a rancher into his latest concoction? Because the rancher was a cattlist.

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with? "Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear. "So mama bear?" asks the Judge. "Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear," says baby bear. "So who would you like to live with?" the Judge asks curiously. "My grandma bear in Chicago." says baby bear. "Your grandma bear doesn't beat you?" asks the Judge? "Oh no the Chicago Bears don't beat anyone."

Thought of this while making breakfast. What did the microbiologist bring to the art fair? A cup of yogurt.

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say "We ride together, we Die together."

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."

tell me tbe "the aristocrats" joke Can someone tell me a good version of the aristocrats joke I'm trying to tell my friend but kinda mutilated it

10 engineering professors board a plane Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book. One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them. To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

Q. Why did the line dancer cross the dance floor? A. To get to the other (Electric) Slide!

NIKOU: What did one llama say to the other when it was time to go on vacation? NILA: I don’t know. NIKOU: “Alpaca up.”

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday. This joke would be funny if it had a punchline Wooden tit

Why did Robert Oppenheimer's wife go to the beach naked? There was no bikini atoll

2 guys walk into a bar. The first one says i want h2O and has a drink. Says damn this is good. The second guy says "bartender, I want some h2O too." The second guy dies.

Two prostitutes are walking down the street... One turns to the other and asks "have you been picked up by the fuzz yet?" The other replies "No, but I've been slung around by my tits"

Did you hear the one about Ferguson? It's a riot.

Harambe walks into a bar... "What'll you have?" says the bar tender "I'll take a shot." said Harambe

My dad told me I should fuck both of you. Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says. While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you". "You're lying" they retort. Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?" "what's the point of fucking one".

Ian: What did the detective say about the mystery of the bottomless pit? Calista: What? Ian: “I’ll get to the bottom of this.”

Noah: A man was driving his vehicle when he came across two paths. Then one of his tires went ﬂat. Emma: What happened? Noah: He came to a fork in the road.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick" She said: how do you get dick from kyle? I replied: you just ask nicely.

What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex? I'll be home in 20 minutes.

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

SEAN: What happened to the man who made a silent alarm clock? SAM: What? SEAN: He won the Nobel Prize!

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

The cashier wasn't impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said "Keep the change" from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name? It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

What did one gay man say to the other gay man in the gay bar? Stand up and I'll push your stool in. Yeah it's gross.

GIOVANNI: What unit did the chicken use to measure his feed? GIUSEPPE: I don’t know. What? GIOVANNI: A peck!

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in. Doctor: I have some good news and bad news. Me: Tell me the bad news first doc. Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe. Me: No way. Whats the good news? Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful. Me: What are you trying to say? Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work. Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

Bob: What did the conductor say when asked to play “The Messiah”? Rob: I haven’t a clue. Bob: “I don’t think my orchestra can Handel it.”

Jorge: Why did the boy tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? Rodrigo: I don’t know. Why? Jorge: So he wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex. My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

What did the nihilistic sea world trainer say to his boss? "There is no porpoise."

MATILDA: What did the Scout say to the fish? FAITH: What? MATILDA: “Catch you later.”

The best joke I know. [Link to the joke.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eialt/oh_you_sneaky_little_bastard/)

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

The penis game. Not technically a joke, but it's always fun. Just replace one word of a movie title with the word, "penis". Indiana Jones and the Temple of Penises

One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose. “Whoa, what happened, Carl?” Max asked. “I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied. “What?” Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!” Carl replied, “There was in this one!”

Fun things to do pt 1 When you're stuck in traffic and some guy revs up his engine just yell out "alright we get it you have a small penis"

Parker: What is the best part of a boxer’s joke? Harper: Tell me. Parker: The punch line.

SHEPHERD: Did you hear about the cat that married the glove? BEN: No. What happened? SHEPHERD: They had mittens.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha GENIE 2: i just...gave mine money GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

A judge recently prosecuted a woman for flashing a man to get "new ink done" It was a case of tit for tat

Did you hear about the guy who smashed up a Chinese restaurant? They put him in jail for wonton destruction.

One day when I was young...... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!” “Why are you calling me Grandpa?” “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help. She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

A woman goes to the doctor... The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?" She responds, "Every time I sneeze, I orgasm" The doctor ask, "Are you taking anything for it?" "Yeah, pepper."

Why did the little girl drop her ice cream? She got hit by a bus. Sequel: Why did the little girl's sister drop her ice cream? Someone threw a fridge at her.

Ryan: My baseball coach told me to run home during the game. Lexi: Did you score a run? Ryan: No. I ran to my house.

What did the business man say to the gangster? Pull up your fucking pants.

Go to racist joke, what's yours? Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs"

AARAV: Why did the duck cross the road? STEVE: I give up. AARAV: To prove that it was not a chicken.

ACE: What do you call an eagle that plays a piano? GENE: What? ACE: Talon-ted.

Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.

PEDRO: Will you remember my name in an hour? PEE WEE: Sure. PEDRO: Will you remember my name in a minute? PEE WEE: Yes. PEDRO: Will you remember my name in a second? PEE WEE: Of course. PEDRO: Knock, knock. PEE WEE: Who’s there? PEDRO: You didn’t remember my name!

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.” So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."