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you didn't think it was gonna smooth out? | nope thought i was gonna die honestly |
so you're just sitting in your car eating a sad sandwich instead of packing? | broke down over a single roll of packing tape honestly |
what finally made you tap out this morning? | staring at a half-full box of just... coasters |
what are you gonna say to them next time you see them? | nothing. just stare at the lint trap forever. |
you counting the number of times I texted you this week? | oh god you're the first person I've actually said words to in days |
bet you've been having deep chats with the bus driver, huh? | close. mostly just nodding at strangers and the cat |
you ever just watch them sleep? like, do you actually do that? | yeah i caught myself doing it last night. she was just lying there making these tiny little sounds and i thought man i get to have this. |
so what's the thing that hit you hardest about her lately? | this morning on the bus i was half asleep and i remembered how she pushes her hair back when she's concentrating. just that little thing. nearly missed my stop. |
what's going through your head right now, old man? | ever notice how the good songs make you wanna hold on and let go at the same time? think that's what love's supposed to feel like maybe |
you getting philosophical on me already? | this punch is sneaky strong but so is watching your kid dance with their cousins. makes a guy wonder if happiness is just a series of perfect little moments strung together |
you're weirdly quiet today, everything good? | my instructor just let me go solo and the turbulence hit like ten minutes in. plane was bouncing so hard i almost puked. |
what's with the death grip on your backpack strap? | first solo flight just happened. air got real choppy over the mountains and i genuinely thought i was gonna drop out of the sky. |
so you're just sitting there staring at the ocean in the dark? | kept replaying it in my head on the drive over. like how their little face lit up right before they said it. didn't even know three words could land that hard. |
did they just blurt it out or was it a whole moment? | tucking them in and they grabbed my sleeve. just looked at me dead serious like they'd been thinking about it all day. whole world went quiet for a second there. |
what's got you laughing like that this early? | my cat just brought a live snake through the cat flap. like a proper garden snake, wriggling on the kitchen floor at six in the morning. |
you look like you've seen a ghost or something | close. cat decided to gift me a live snake. just dropped it on the rug like it was a toy, and it started moving and i nearly screamed. |
wait, what's going on? | the novel's done, three years man |
so i heard there was some kind of incident? | incident. that's a nice word for it. i mean the whole thing probably lasted three seconds but it felt like a full minute of me flailing in slow motion while my cousin's wife shrieked. what gets me is nobody helped me up for a good five seconds because they were all too busy laughing. my daughter filmed it. she showed m... |
so you're telling me you just walked right in and they were all mid-soup? | yeah, standing there with a bottle of wine i'd already half-opened in the car because i thought i was late. everyone just froze and looked up at me like i was a ghost. i could feel my face go absolutely nuclear. |
did you at least make it to the table or did you turn right around? | no i just kind of hovered in the doorway for way too long holding my coat. debbie finally goes 'oh honey it's the twenty-second' and i wanted the floor to swallow me whole. ended up sitting on a stool watching them finish dessert. |
what do you think you'll do tomorrow then? | probably just keep walking till my legs give out |
got any plan for getting through this week? | plan? yeah, keep my head down and pray the trail ends soon |
wait so what did they actually say when they ended it? | "it's not you" — like that helps |
did they give any reason at all or just ghost? | just said "i need space" lol okay |
wait what happened? you sound wrecked | both kids got sick. laundry's a literal mountain now. |
hold on, what's going on? you okay? | double ear infections. three loads in and the pile's still winning. |
oh no, did anyone actually hear you though? | the whole room went dead silent. that's how you know. |
wait, were you snoring loud or just like a little puff? | loud enough that jenna's kid asked if the dog was in the room. |
what's with the sappy smile all of a sudden? | just thinking about my parents' anniversary thing tomorrow. like they've been doing this for thirty years and still my dad will bring her coffee in bed and she'll pretend to be annoyed but you can hear her laugh through the wall. makes me wonder if i'll ever have that kind of stupid easy thing with someone. not the gra... |
you think they ever get tired of each other though? | oh for sure they do. i've seen my dad sleep on the couch enough times. but that's the thing right they don't stay mad. like last year my mom forgot their anniversary and he was all dramatic about it for like an hour and then she just said 'you're still here aren't you' and he laughed and that was it. they've got this s... |
what do you do when you find something like that? | just stood there in the squat rack holding this crumpled note like an idiot. folded it into my phone case so it doesn't get sweaty. gonna text them when i hit the locker room. |
you gonna mention it when you get home? | probably just leave their coffee mug out with a dumb little drawing on a napkin. they'd get it. better than saying anything out loud at 3am when the whole gym's quiet like this. |
did you bring your parents a card or just show up with that speech you were practicing on the drive over? | mom caught me trying to secretly record them slow dancing in the kitchen to that old frank sinatra song they love. caught me off guard how happy they looked. |
so are you the designated photographer for this anniversary thing or just there for the free cake? | dad actually pulled me aside and thanked me for coming home for it. like i was doing him a favor. didn't know what to say so i just hugged him. |
remember that time you said humans are basically just walking meat puppets and then got really quiet? | okay so listen. been thinking about this for like ten minutes now and i need to say it out loud or my brain's gonna short-circuit. you know how when you're in the shower and the water hits your head and you start wondering dumb stuff. so i'm standing there and it hits me — like what if cats actually think we're the pet... |
you got that look again — the one where you're about to say something weird about pigeons or ceiling fans or whatever | okay so don't judge me but i was watching the sunrise through the train window and it got all orange and pink and i just thought — wait why do we call it 'sunrise' like the sun's actually waking up and doing something. it's not rising. we're the ones spinning around like idiots. we're literally on a giant rock hurtling... |
remember when he used to just stare at you from the playpen like you were the weirdest thing he'd ever seen? | yeah and today he just looked right at me with those big eyes and said it clear as anything. pretty sure my heart just did a full stop right there in the kitchen. |
didn't he used to hide behind your leg whenever anyone said anything nice to him? | he still does that actually but today he just walked up out of nowhere and whispered it like it was a secret. got me all choked up putting him to bed just now. |
what do you think you're gonna do when you finally get home? | probably stare at a wall for like an hour |
if you could turn into any animal right now which one would it be? | a sloth honestly just lean into the pace |
you look pretty pleased with yourself — what's the occasion? | uh yeah the check was like three hundred over what i figured |
that grin says something good happened — spill it | first real paycheck and it's actually decent. wild. |
wait what do you mean a lawyer? like an actual lawyer-lawyer? | yeah like a real one with a firm name and everything. just sitting there in my inbox with that stupid little red exclamation like it's no big deal. and i'm in the back of this lyft and the driver keeps glancing at me in the rearview and i have to pretend i'm fine but my hands are shaking so bad i almost dropped my phon... |
did you open it all the way or just the subject line? | just the subject line and the first sentence. 'regarding a legal matter' — that's it. that's all i needed to see to feel like my whole stomach dropped into the floor of this car. and now the streetlights are just blurring past and i'm trying to breathe normal so the driver doesn't think i'm having a panic attack. but m... |
is there anyone interesting out there or is it just drunk people falling over | okay so there's this guy who's been trying to start a conversation with a pigeon for like ten minutes now and the pigeon's just not having it. honestly peak entertainment for a tuesday night. |
what's the weirdest thing you've seen so far | there's a girl on the corner having a full emotional breakdown over a kebab she dropped and her friend is just filming it on her phone. like that's gonna be legendary content in the morning. |
hold on you did what | yelled 'okay bye mom' right as i was signing off from a meeting with the regional director. her eyebrow went up so high it nearly disappeared. thought about crawling under the desk for a minute. |
so what are you gonna do now, just sit here all morning? | yeah maybe. watching her try to skip rocks like i used to. she keeps getting the angle wrong and it's making me laugh every time. |
do you ever get that feeling where you wanna just freeze the moment? | constantly right now. she's chasing pigeons the exact way i did at that age. same little hop before they scatter. wild. |
so you actually typed 'the end' or what? | typed it, stared at the screen for a solid minute, then my dog ate the corner of the page i printed. felt like a sign. |
did you do that thing where you celebrate alone or what's the plan? | bought myself a fancy coffee and sat in the dog park like a weirdo watching dogs chase frisbees under the lights. peak victory lap. |
whats the tea then, who got caught doing what? | mark from accounting microwaving fish again but this time the hr lady caught him |
ok spill it, whose drama are we hearing about? | sarah in marketing sent a nasty teams message to the wrong chat |
so the pilot went through with it even with the weather looking like that? | oh it was awful. whole plane shaking like a washing machine and i'm just gripping the yoke thinking this is how it ends. dad would have been proud though i guess. |
did the shaking get real bad up there or what? | wind just hammered us the whole way up. instruments were bouncing like crazy and i could barely hear the tower. thought i was done for honestly. |
so how's the bar prep actually going? like right now, not the polite version | words just blurring into soup on the page |
wait you've been here since what time? and you're still trying to study? | yeah reading the same sentence for forty minutes now |
whoa seriously? what do you mean? | okay so i'm driving back from that thing and i take the old route without even thinking, muscle memory you know. and i see the house and at first i'm like oh hey there it is. then i realize the front porch has this like weird modern railing and the door is bright red now. bright red. my mom used to have this faded blue... |
so you finally stopped staring at a blank page huh | three years and a whole lot of deleting. but yeah it's done. feels like carrying around a rock and suddenly it's gone |
did you celebrate by spilling coffee on the last page or what | pretty much. printed it out and just sat there holding it. like this thing actually exists now. you know |
Wait, you're up early. What's got you at the laundromat before the sun's even thinking about coming up? | that presentation. my slides. he just stood there and took it. |
Hey, you look like you're about to punch that dryer. Everything okay? | Tom. called my prototype his 'team effort' in the meeting. |
so did you actually cry when you got the confirmation email or are you too cool for that? | okay you're gonna laugh but I totally did like just a little bit though because it was this whole thing right like I'd been refreshing the page for forty five minutes and my hands were actually shaking and then when it finally went through I just stared at the screen for a solid minute like this can't be real and then ... |
bet you've already planned out what you're gonna wear and it's probably way too extra for a concert isn't it | look I will have you know that this is a once in a lifetime thing so being extra is literally the point like I've got this whole outfit in my head with the jacket you hate and those boots that hurt after an hour but I don't even care because it's front row and they might actually see me and I'm gonna be right there in ... |
wait, you never mentioned that email from the supplier was from that cooking blogger you always watch? | yep, same person. been getting invoices from her for two years and just thought she had a nice way with words. then tuesday she posts a video and i'm like... that's the one who signs my timesheets. |
didn't you say he had a weird laugh though? like the one that sounds familiar? | that's the thing. that laugh is in a viral thing from like 2019. my daughter sent it to me last christmas and i just sat there at lunch going... that's jim from accounting. |
you just got that ticket huh, love? | forty quid for three minutes past. in a loading bay with no loading signs. |
what's that paper you're waving around, hon? | this? proof the universe hates pensioners with good parking karma. |
remember that time you said you'd sleep when the kids graduated? | yeah that was a real joke on myself huh |
didn't you once claim you could handle anything after that work trip? | should've clarified anything except two fevers and a laundry monster |
so did you at least stick the landing or was it a full wipeout? | oh it was a full wipeout. like arms flailing, caught the edge of the cake table, sent a whole tier sliding. at least my face matched the bridesmaids' dresses. |
bet you're glad the videographer caught that for posterity, huh? | the videographer zoomed in. i saw him. my soul left my body for a solid three seconds while everyone just kind of gasped and then laughed. |
what's that face for, did someone put mayo on the fruit salad? | oh god no worse i got a scary email from a lawyer |
you look like you just saw the wedding cake fall over, what's up? | some lawyer just emailed me and i'm freaking out |
you look like you've been wrestling with a spreadsheet, what's up? | more like the spreadsheet won and is now laughing at me |
that little sigh just now — work stuff or diner coffee? | twenty-three unread emails and a client who thinks 'urgent' means 'five minutes ago' |
you look like you're in another galaxy over there. what's in that hoodie you're holding? | dude. my college hoodie. it's got this faint coffee stain on the sleeve from that all-nighter where i swore i'd never take a chem class again. the fleece is basically bald in some spots. |
that thing looks like it's been through a war. why are you just standing there staring at it? | it smells like the library basement and bad decisions. found a dried-out highlighter in the pocket and a receipt from that taco place that closed sophomore year. the whole thing just hits different. |
you've been staring at that phone for like ten minutes straight, what's going on? | kid's twenty minutes late from school and not answering. that's not a thing she does, ever. i've called like four times and it's just straight to voicemail. my brain's doing that thing where every possible worst case scenario is playing out in real time and i can't make it stop. the bus usually drops her at the corner ... |
so you're just gonna keep pacing up here until she texts back or what? | pretty much yeah. i mean i can't just sit inside and stare at the walls so this seemed better even if it's cold out. the street's empty which isn't helping anything. every car that turns the corner i'm like that's her but then it's not. my phone's on full brightness and ringer maxed out and i keep checking it like it's... |
wait they lost the whole bag? even your aunt's veil? | yep. the whole thing. aunt marjorie's veil, my shoes, the cufflinks my dad wore. the airline basically said 'file a claim' like i'd misplaced a library book. and the best part is the tracking showed it was on the plane but then it just — poof. disappeared. like someone opened the cargo hold and went 'ooh, wedding stuff... |
so what's the airline actually doing about it? anything? | oh they're doing plenty. they're doing the absolute minimum while sounding very professional about it. got this email that was basically 'we regret to inform you that your bag is enjoying a vacation without you.' i mean i get it's not a life-or-death thing but there's something about watching your wedding prep vanish i... |
hey, you gonna make the driver listen to your anxious playlist on shuffle or what? | god it's already bad enough in my head |
bet you're googling symptoms in the backseat right now, aren't you? | shut up, it's like three tabs open already |
wait what happened with the apartment? | ceiling finally came through last night |
oh no, what did the landlord say? | still nothing, typical really |
babe what are you gonna do about it though | take a different route tomorrow maybe |
should we call the cops or just wait and see | god I don't even know yet |
remember you used to complain about that creaky third step every time you snuck out? | oh that stupid step. yeah and they painted over the whole porch too, not just the door. like they sanded down all the little dings i put in that railing from sitting there with my feet dangling over the edge watching the streetlights flicker on. it's not even the same color family anymore, went from that pale yellow to... |
did you see if the old oak tree out front was still there? | still there but they trimmed it way back, half the branches i used to climb are just gone. remember how we'd sit up there and you'd tell me about your day and i'd pretend i was listening but really i was just watching the clouds move behind your head? whole yard looks like a catalog photo now, no crabgrass, no rusty bi... |
what'd the furry little menace do this time, trip over his own feet again? | worse. he tried to catch a fly midair, did this full body twist thing, landed on the back of the couch, bounced off and slid right into the wall. just sat there afterwards with this look like he was questioning every life choice that led to that moment. and i'm standing there in the aisle of the bus, trying not to crac... |
so the dog did something spectacularly stupid again, huh? | oh yeah. full commitment to the bit. saw his own reflection in the toaster, started growling at it, then barked so hard he fell backwards off the kitchen rug. you know that little scramble they do when they slip on tile? that was him for a solid ten seconds before he just gave up and lay there on his side with his tong... |
Wait, you actually found an old voicemail from Aunt Rose? | yeah from like fifteen years ago. she was calling to ask if i wanted her pie recipe and her voice just hit me out of nowhere. sat there in the gate area like an idiot. |
What did it say that got you so quiet all of a sudden? | oh nothing big just her saying she'd save me a slice. but you know how she'd drag out 'sav-ee' like it was the funniest word ever. thirty seconds of her being ridiculous and i'm a mess over boarding passes. |
so the landlord finally showed up with a bucket? | bucket and a shrug. real helpful. |
bet the ceiling looks real artistic now? | like modern art if modern art was my deposit gone. |
hey, remember how you said you'd quiz me on contracts next week? | yeah about that. i opened the book this morning and the word 'consideration' just sat there on the page looking back at me like a stranger. my brain's full of static now. |
didn't you mention you were gonna try that new study spot by the window? | tried it for like an hour. spent most of it staring at a crack in the ceiling wondering if it looked like a map of nebraska. think i need a real break but can't afford one. |
so how many boxes did you actually cry into today | not gonna count the ones where i just sat on the floor staring at a drawer for twenty minutes first |
you making any progress or just rearranging the mess | the tape dispenser ran away and i think my back is filing a formal complaint but the kitchen stuff is semi-sorted |
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