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and then just kind of see it as like, "well, those were your reasons."
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"i'm not going through this, et cetera, but like, what do i need to get out of this?"
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Female
actually, another thing that comes out. i had a conversation too about-
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Male
... like, now, right, especially in our age group. and somebody said something that was really interesting. it was like-
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Male
"well, men usually want to get to a certain-
N
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... level of their life before they choose to commit to one person.
N
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Male
but women-
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Male
i think so. i think from my own experience-
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Female
... i've told you that. i've sent that to you before.
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Female
it is. i can see that. and i think it's something that-
C
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Female
... i have always really felt. like even before, when people bring up kids and marriage and all that other stuff-
X
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Female
the idea that i can say most of the women in my life have this-
X
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Female
you're with this person for a set number of years and you get to know them and you grow-
N
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Female
this is something that i want to do with you. whether that be like five people would joke about 10, whatever. there is that-
H
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Female
... you're a part of each other's journey. you see the good, the bad, the ugly, and you're there through it. and if you can make it through that, you know you can be with that person for what is-
N
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Female
... the rest of your life. that would be cool.do you have people in your family that have been together for that long? like, forever?
N
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Female
i have people in my family that have been together like 25 years.
N
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Female
my parents.your parents. yeah.so how are you now in terms of-
N
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Male
i don't know. i feel like i'm tried multiple times, every single day, by my kids.
S
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Female
something i'm going to do in bridgeport, or specifically for elementary, once my two years of teach for america are up, but i'm doing-
N
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Female
that's my life. my kids. the students.
N
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Female
just trying to give myself time for me. the weekends-
N
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Female
... are non-existent. i don't really do much.
N
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Female
one, it doesn't feel like you have any time to, aside from lesson planning, grading, and homework.
D
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Female
if you don't do work that saturday and leave everything for sunday, because it just doesn't-
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... feel like you're doing enough for your kids. you don't feel like you're doing them any justice.
N
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Female
but then i feel like i keep neglecting myself-
S
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Female
... because i'm really not doing anything for myself other than sleeping.
S
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Female
there's not that much. every now and then i'll meet up with other people. like, i'll go to new haven or norwalk and have get togethers. but even then, put a bunch of teachers in the same room-
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my real question, [inaudible 00:04:46] about your personal life [crosstalk 00:04:46].there isn't.
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Male
i think that's the thing that, because i'm still so focused on everything else that i'm doing-
H
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Female
one of my brothers mentioned it to me, or my friends will ask, "oh, what's the guy's situation", et cetera. and i'm like, i mean...
N
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Female
i have friends. i talk to my friends regular basis because texting.
N
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Female
but even then i don't feel like i'm-
S
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Female
just because i'm not in that place. it's not something that i'm necessarily looking to invest my energy into.
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Female
and that's because you're focusing on your professional life right now, or is that because you're still carrying baggage from-it's both.
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Male
it's because i know i need to get to a certain place. like i need to finish really strong these two years so that i have a better idea of what it is that i'm doing.
S
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Female
... myself and owning what is the classroom, et cetera. and finding the place that i want to be in. so what's fear of education-
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Female
looking to be in? and part of that is me doing things like-
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or other people's students and doing school events.
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Female
and then the other part is, yeah, that baggage of i'm not ready or, i guess...
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Female
that when you say you haven't let go, what do you mean?
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Male
okay, so the whole love versus in love...
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... topic thing that i had to work my way through i guess.
S
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Female
so to backtrack, because we got to explain that,
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Male
i mentioned it before. so in the breakup conversation,
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Male
i said something that i really do believe in, is like, i think there's a big difference between...
N
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... body and then being in love with them. and i think...
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... at that stage, i wasn't in love, but i have a lot of love-
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[inaudible 00:01:50] which makes these types of conversations and makes me see her easier. like
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there's no animosity between us at all.
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and it's interesting. i told people like, "i'm coming up to do this podcast".
O
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Male
"like somebody might start swinging." i'm like, "ah, but i don't think..." and it's weird because i don't-
N
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Male
my family ever has had that kind of relationship with a female where it's that detrimental where you can't be-
A
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Male
and now usually that's because people have had kids with their significant-
N
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... don't understand that i can still have these kinds of conversations and it's not-
S
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Male
i think time is a big thing, right? time is a big thing about healing, right? and i think we did touch on that too-
X
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... right? like you say, you're still working through it.yeah.and you're still not ready to move on yet. right. because you're focusing on certain things and that's like-
N
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... due to time. i think time is a big thing that a lot of people-
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... take for granted and it's something that's out of your control, right? you can't rush-
N
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... it. it's all about patience. like you can't rush yourself to heal faster-
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... just based on your circumstances. you can deal with it. you can force yourself to deal with it as best you can in a short amount of time-
N
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Male
... but to actually go through the healing process, you can't heal your heart on your own time. it's not up to you, you're on god's time.
S
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god's clock. all those things. but yeah.
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i don't know. well, i mean... not that i don't know, but like i mentioned in the beginning, you were my first real relationship-
X
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thing before i got to dartmouth. everybody that knew me knew that i wasn't ever going to get really seriously involved with anyone.why was that?because i-
N
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... knew myself as a person. and i knew that whatever happened or whatever school-
X
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... i ended up going to, i was not going to stay in la. i wasn't going to stay in california, and i didn't want to become emotionally invested nor did i want to hurt someone like that.
C
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yeah. [crosstalk 00:03:57].by saying like, "okay, even if this is happening or this is a thing like-"
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"i'm sorry, it's just not going to be when i'm leaving. like this has been my plan."
S
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even starting middle school a little bit before when i had said, "i'm going to leave california. i'm probably going to go across the country to go to college."
X
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i had family members that didn't think i was going to do it.
N
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Female
part of me felt really bad because even if there were people that i had a connection with, or like ongoing conversations with, semi-involved, not really-
S
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Female
... just unfair to them. i know.
N
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Female
and then the length of time and all the growth that happened in there throughout that time is-
N
2
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Female
... going through trying to see how much i did grow and in what respects and why that happened.
X
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or even all the questions you would ask me, like push me to really think about things. like, "why are you so uncomfortable?" or like, "why is this-
X
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.. challenging. you're like, "why is that normal?" you're-not-opening-up-to-people types of conversations are still things that kind of apply to now.
N
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and again, like you said, there is an animosity towards you.
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is not in the near future, i guess, or something that, in letting go of that relationship, i had to also let go.
N
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gotcha. that's true, i think, whenever you're in a-
N
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Male
the other person becomes part of you. i was reading something the other day. it was, when somebody else starts using your slang, that's when you know they really are-
N
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... integrated with you. right? and there's a lot of times where you would say something, and i'm like-
S
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... "well, that's my thing." but so those kinds of things-
H
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and then still like to separate. one, it takes a lot to make the decision to leave.
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on my side, i think-
X
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... the hardest part for me was kind of justifying it to myself. and there was a lot of different things going through my head.
S
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Male
and during the last couple of days, while you were staying at my place and-
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i think everything just-
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the pros of what could happen in the future outweighed-
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... the cons, if that makes sense with me making the decision to-
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... leave, in terms of the individual [inaudible 00:01:36] that could possibly happen. and the fact that i wasn't really in a place where i could support-
C
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before, i wasn't there and i think there was a lot of-
H
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just going in, it just seemed a little shaky. and i don't know if i ever really let go of that-
F
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... in my head. and even if i did tell myself, it was a subconscious lingering, in the fact that things-
N
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i can be in a relationship right now. and it's really crazy, too, because i'll go out now-
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... and i still won't go out crazy, because there's another thing about the relationship, [tara 00:02:16], is this whole issue of, i think, the one-
H
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... argument we ever had or debate, it was about me dancing.
H
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but it was something that i really couldn't let go. and the more i think-
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... that argument, i think two things. i think, one, i had a problem with it because this was the first time in my life where, i felt-
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