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MSP_POD_NLP

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... i wasn't in control of a situation. it was like my freedom being taken away. i was like, "damn, yo." but then you think about it. it's like, "why'd you... " and then on other end, i try to-
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... think about why we're even having this conversation. why would you even want to dance with somebody else?
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that's right. why would you even want to put yourself in that situation? and in my head, i was like, "it's just dancing."
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so it was this back and forth thing in my head, and i was like, "why am i... if it really-
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... meant so much to just-
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... to somebody else that i should stop, then i should just stop." and the fact that i came to that conclusion, i was like, "man, my life isn't really-
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yeah, i'm a slick talker, but, yeah. and i think that, when i realized that-
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i just don't know if my conscience, at that time, was ready to accept it.
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and now when i go out, it's crazy because i don't even dance that much anymore. i was out the other day with my close friends from home, jamal and them.
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and we were out for one of our friend's birthdays, and these the girls, just dancing in front of us.
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and jamal was like, "yo, you should dance with her." and i was like, "nah, man. nah." and then-
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yo, it's literally right there. it's front of you. i was like-
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... "okay." i danced for a minute. and i was like, "this is weird."
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i just stopped. and i'm like, "damn, yo. i feel like i lost a piece of myself because of the sacrifice i made when i was in the relationship."
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yeah, i've just realized how much the relationship has changed me, i guess, for the better, in terms of i'm making good decisions. and like you, i'm not pressed to-
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... jump into another relationship, as well, because-
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it's funny. my grandmother called me today, the one you met.
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by myself, man, i'm not doing anything. oh, she was just like, "you're not talking to no girls?" i was like, "nah, i'm here." and then she was like, "oh, you're not a davey, then."
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me to jump into something else. whether it's like me jumping-oh, yeah.... so it's me another relationship or just being-
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.. close to another girl, or something like that. or accepting another woman into my life. i think people are eager-
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... because they can't justify in their head why i'm not-
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and i don't understand. i mean, i get it, but i don't get it. because i think a part of it is-
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... the amount of effort and emotional investment it takes to-
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there has to be a serious set or requirements that you have to meet-
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... investment in, because i'm not about to just waste my time. it's not about to just-
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... something and it don't work out, and i'm like, "man. i did all this." it's not the money thing, it's not financial. it's the emotional-
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investment. knowing that you're going to get close to somebody again, you're going to get to know, i guess, how they tick, what works, their family.
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i just don't have the time, the effort, and i'm not in a-
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... place in life to do that yet. i think that's why i haven't' jumped into anything.
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it's something i get asked all the time, too. before graduation, things aren't happening.
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like, "why are you not doing anything? you're not seeing anyone, you're not trying to come by certain spaces anymore."
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i just wasn't. or even now-
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... we haven't even [inaudible 00:01:30] been around regular, small groups.
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i find myself not even interested in having certain conversations.
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no. it's like, i can talk to someone-
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but again, it would take so much to explain why i'm in this-
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explain why you're single right now?
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well, yes and no, but just me why i've chosen to not be-
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again, that's something that i have chosen not to do.
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even with that, i feel like there would be the emotional attachment and so much more that comes with it that-
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again, even the going out and dancing with someone, i don't really want someone that close to me.
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unless i really know you, kind of not interested.
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which is rare. we're not even in that school environment where you have close friends
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that you might be able to do that.yeah, no.right? yeah, yeah. yeah, i hear that.
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no, i've actively chosen not to, and it just-
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i'll see it every now and then. i'm like, "okay, that's cool." or half the time i'll be like, "it would be really nice to have someone to dance with them." i'm like, "well, there are people, but i'm choosing not to."
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if i'm by my close friends, like my close girlfriends, yeah, i'll dance with them. but if they try to get me to dance with some other girl and i'm like-
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"i'm really not about that right now. i'm really trying to chill," and people for their life just don't get it. they're like, "you can dance, though." i'm like, "yeah, i know."
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i know.but, that's not to make me seem like the most innocent dude in the world. i definitely be about-
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when i get turnt up, i'm dancing all night. like whatever, but i don't know if that necessarily mean i'm going home-
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... with somebody at the end of the night, right? i still know that-
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... what comes after it. i've never been the type of dude that does one-night stands. i think there's been-
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... one girl in my life that that was my first-
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so, if we going to do something-
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... it's a longevity thing.
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wish i knew before. i think it was just-
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... or now hearing you say this, think [inaudible 00:03:49] something like you saying that me having been with someone the summer before or something that you had it like all stuff.
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a lot of times in the past year or something, i would always go back to-
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... meeting family, or how that won't happen. or the future situation, like they marry you one day-
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... comments, and all that stuff, and how all that stuff came about.
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really, really hurt and angry at you a lot of times because-
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it's very interesting you say that-[crosstalk 00:04:21].... because me and johnathan-
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johnathan's one of my best friends, and we had this conversation once because-
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[inaudible 00:04:29] in multiple long-term relationships. we had this conversation once when he was about to end one thing. he was like, "man, i feel so bad because sometimes i definitely be..."
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i want to marry her one day, and i want to propose and all these things.
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we don't say that because we don't believe in it.
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i think my closest friends and i think my closest family-
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my heart just gets super attached-
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... and, i think sometimes when people say that-
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... or people will recite that back to me, it's like, oh, you were the first person that-
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it is like, yeah, i meant it. i meant it at the time. then, you never really know how-
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... progressives, which is scary. it is terrifying, because of this. i remember reading something on tumblr, child likes tumblr-
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... stuck with me that i read, i think within the past year. or, maybe before.
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somebody wrote, "it is really fucking terrifying that one day the person that you love could just turn around-
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... to you. i feel like maybe 20 years-
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how the fuck do you deal with it? how do you deal with that kind of thing?
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i don't want to say we were "just" together for two years. two years is a long time. especially when you are only 21-22 years old. that is a long time to-
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... be with somebody. i think-
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... it is scary to know ... i think that is also everything that i realized, too-
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right? i think this is what really got me to pull the trigger on it, too. it was like-
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... i really need to work on this before i invest any more time and just prolong this decision.
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because then, it might hurt more, because more time is invested in it. i don't want to keep hiding these feelings back-
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... because of that, right? but, it is also terrifying that somebody can-
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... think that. wake up one day and just think that. i say wake up one day-
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... and, i think the more you try to avoid it, the harder it is going to be to get over in the long run.
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then, you get over it and i couldn't, because there was nothing [bad 00:01:57]-
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we are the conversation. right, i can't talk to my other friends about-
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and that was attractive. that was attractive.
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we had the means. i could have gone to california easily. we went to the dr for a week.
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which is why we would have those types of conversations. you'd be like, "but he's going to have to understand that you've grown up," dude, like you don't get it.
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i used to say that with jokes, right? i used to say that ... because, jess didn't have a lot of freedom when she went back-
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home because she got to be stuck in the house. but she's also the only girl in her family. so i say, jokingly like, "nah, you got to tell them," like "yo, you 20 years old." and i know some of you all like, "what?"
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i was given a lot of responsibility when was younger and freedom, not-
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trusted me with a lot of things. so i went out to all the parties and stuff and i drove around all the time. i was able to go out wherever i needed to-
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why you're not mr. popular, but continue.oh, okay, whatever. we're going to edit that-
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and having that kind of freedom, i, bro, do understand that a lot of people don't have that kind of freedom.
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so we took a spring break and we were like, we got our money together and we just went to... we booked a airbnb.
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... in dr and cabretta-
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... for a while, and really see how they function. that was bigger to me than i guess meeting your family, because i [inaudible 00:02:25] yet tell your dad-
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but we chose to go overseas and do that. so the fact that you were able to have that conversation with your pops-
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