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2021-08-20T19:05:56 | OOP is posting in a thread about dark secrets that he is going to kill himself. He then proceeds to update us for 7 years how his life is going. | askreddit | **Trigger Warning: OOP is suicidal in his first posting. He also is diagnosed with cancer.**
*I'm not the original author. This was posted in r/askreddit. All the updates are in the same thread. OOP had to cut some due to character limit and posted the missing updates on http://trashitagain.com/ for the curious.*
___
[**Start**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4in3fk/)
I'm eventually going to kill myself. I don't know when, but I'm pretty sure that's where life is taking me. I've never kissed a girl and I'm approaching 30, I have panic attacks in social situations, therapy seems to only make me feel worse, and I've decided that living so that others don't have to deal with my death isn't worth it anymore.
I'm basically just waiting out my parents so they don't have to attend my funeral.
**July 17 2012 Edit:** Because I'm still getting PMs asking how things turned out I'll just update it here. Nothing happened with any of the offers, I guess those were karma-whoring attempts, because I did PM them and they never responded. I did meet a girl who PMed me on a stop over from a road trip and get my first kiss, but that was it. I'm very glad I got to do that, and it was amazing enough that it convinced me to really make an effort. I've been trying very hard in the online dating arena, but I'm not getting anywhere. When I do get dates I don't know how to initiate anything physical, and its causing women to think I'm not interested, or I'm a wimp, or whatever. Anyway its not working. My overall plan hasn't really changed, really the only thing different is now is that I'm trying and failing. Hard.
Honestly I can't imagine living like this for as long as its going to take for my parents to pass, its just too fucking painful. I can't effectively articulate just how lonely I am.
**August 27 2012 Edit:** Wow, I'm still getting PMs about this post. I guess I should update again. I feel much, much better about myself and my prospects. I wont get into it more than that, and I'll leave everything else here because perhaps seeing just how low I got and that things worked out will help someone else feeling the same way. The only advice I can give is this: Try. You will fail, but you cannot succeed if you don't try.
**October 11 2012 Edit:** Things turned right back to shit and stayed there. I feel like a complete moron for thinking things could work out.
**October 16 2012 Edit:** Life has its ups and downs, and sometimes what seems like a down turns out to be an up. I've met someone wonderful, I thought I'd lost her, I felt bad for a while, but in the end it turned into something good. I can't wait to see where it goes. I will continue updating this post as I continue my journey, and I hope anyone who relates to the way I felt when this started can take comfort in knowing that if you make the effort, you can find what you've been missing. Its hard, but its worth it.
**December 31 2012 Edit:** Everything is great. Its as simple as that :)
**January 25 2013 Edit:** And then she dumped me. This is a pain that I couldn't have felt without the love that preceded it, so I'm trying to keep it in context, but its hard not to wallow in misery at this point. Back into the dating pool I guess.
**January 27 2013 Edit:** I really hate being lonely.
**MAX CHARACTER LIMIT FORCED ME TO CUT SOME POSTS HERE
Removed more Aug 8 2016**
**August 2 2014 edit** I find myself thinking of this post less and less because the majority of the issues I've written about here just aren't controlling my life anymore. I wish I had some deep sage wisdom to write at the moment, but I just felt like I ought to update since I saw this mentioned elsewhere on reddit a few moments ago. My life is going better than I would've expected two years ago; I've now graduated with my CS degree and work full time, I've had a great deal of success in the dating realm over the last 8 months or so, and I'm in a better place emotionally. My advice for anyone who resembles the old me remains the same: Try, fail, and try again. Its a hell of a lot better than a bullet through the head.
**August 11 2014 edit** So apparently I have cancer. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be fine, but it really makes me think about how glad I am that I started really living life.
**August 13 2014 edit** I should probably update again with a little more info. As far as the cancer goes, I have surgery planned, its early, I'm pretty sure I'm fine. I'll have scars, and that's all. If not, well, the prospect of something more severe has a curious impact on me. Telling my family fucking horrifies me. I know that you need to live life for yourself, but the others in my life are the ones who would feel my death, and I'm not so selfish a person that I can put them through that casually. I'm getting some massive doses of perspective lately.
**October 16 2014 edit** I have a nasty new scar, and a lot of headaches, but I'm fine. Life goes on as it always does. I honestly don't think I can bring myself to read the rest of this post right now... the last few years have not been great for me, to say the least, and I cringe just thinking about it sometimes. All I can think to say now is that I am so glad that I never pulled that trigger.
Also, apparently there is a max character limit now. I've cut some of the post and saved the whole thing locally... this leaves me with a problem. Should I upload all of this somewhere else? Not sure what's best. If anyone has an idea feel free to pm me.
**February 2 2015 Edit** trashitagain.com now has the entire post in raw text.
**January 6 2017 Edit** I am going to be a father. Totally unexpected, the doctor had told us it was likely not possible thanks to PCOS, AND she was on the pill, AND... well, lets just say this wasn't planned. I'm still in shock. Holy hell kids cost a lot of money. I'm terrified that I won't be up to the task, but its time to put away my own worries and insecurities and focus on doing the best I can. Over the last half a decade I've learned a lot about myself, and one of the major things I've discovered is that although I was missing companionship horribly, I do need a lot of time to myself. I'm still an introvert. Its going to be interesting trying to reconcile what I need for my own sanity with the much more important matter of keeping a wife and child clothed, fed, homed, and happy. Oh, and I guess I'm going to propose now. Don't tell her though, I'm still figuring out how I'm going to do it. Probably something involving a ring of some sort. Possibly onion (I really should have been better at saving last year).
**August 2017 Edit** I have a son. Its the most amazing thing in this world, I honestly can't explain it. My wife is my hero for delivering this little guy. I don't have the time to sit and think through my thoughts like I usually do when I update here, but I'm just so glad that I'm here for him. I'm also deliriously tired.
**
September 2018 Edit** I figure I'm well overdue for one of these, and I've gotten a lot of PMs, so... here goes. My life has changed a lot over the years, since I created this account and made my first post. It's difficult to compartmentalize and share everything that I feel like ought to be shared, but I have a few clear thoughts that I wish someone could have shared with me.
First: It takes time to learn how to be happy. When my son was born, as babies do, he cried. He didn't smile for the first time for about 3 months. We are all born knowing how to be sad, but it takes time to learn how to be happy. And its completely worth it. When he cracked his first big gummy smile it was at my father, now a grandfather, smiling down at him. Every dirty diaper induced cry seemed worth it, it was simply incredible. No words can do it justice.
Second: Things aren't magically easy. I did not plan to have kids. At one point when I was a virgin and suicidal I dreamed of the normal family life, as a sort of goal that I felt like I ought to have. What I really wanted was intimacy and love, but I didn't know how to articulate it yet. Over the years I came to the realization that I'm pretty selfish, I'm pretty lazy, and I love having the freedom to stay out late and travel. Me and my now wife agreed on this, and planned no kids. And then her birth control failed. So we got married, and we had a kid, and life got stressful. I often wish I could just be free again. I make about 115k a year now, not a massive salary but enough that I should be able to do things like eat out when I want, but I'm struggling horribly because my wife has essentially no income potential, or motivation to change that. Stress is constant. Interspersed in this, however, are the things that make it worth it. My son just figured out how to play hide and seek with me on his own. Pulling a blanket over his head and laughing hysterically when he does it. I got a video of it, and its so fucking cute that I watch it multiple times a day at work.
Third: Oh, and she's pregnant again. I'm going to have a daughter. Birth control pills don't work for shit on her, and apparently neither do IUDs. I'm definitely getting a vasectomy this time.
Fourth: The thoughts will never go away once they've been there, and that is something I'm going to have to live with forever. I wish this wasn't the case, but it is. I still have my mind turn on me from time to time, I still get low, and I still can't escape that mental movie where I put a gun to my temple and pull the trigger. I have so much to live for now, and so much I'm responsible for, and I still can't totally escape it. It sucks, but living with it is just a part of life. I also still think of my ex. She was a huge part of my life, even if it was for a short time, and those memories are inescapable. I've learned to let them be fond in their own way, as so much time has past and ongoing bitterness was poisoning me.
Finally: I've said it a lot of times, but life goes on. It will keep happening regardless of if you use your time well or not. If you're someone like I was, reading this now, do not wait. Get out there. Your mountain is waiting.
**Little question:** I've been considering turning the domain I bought into a forum for people who are trying to overcome similar issues. Would that be something people wanted? | Schattenspringer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/p8bq0e/oop_is_posting_in_a_thread_about_dark_secrets/ | p8bq0e | 10,375 | 437 | [
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2021-08-20T21:32:49 | Boyfriend continuously disregards OP's plans | AITA | *I am not OP, this is a repost*
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mspd97/aita_for_booking_to_go_away_the_same_weekend_as/)
My boyfriend and I have a 3-year old daughter together. He used to go away very occasionally by himself before we had her and this has increased quite a lot since she was born. Not for long periods, just a night or two. He also visits his daughter from a previous relationship - which is fine but I am mentioning as relevent later.
He is notoriously bad for informing me when he is going away. He always claims he told me and I forgot. There have been times where he he has arranged to see his daughter on weekends when plans have already been made (these were all pre covid). Once I had arranged for my mum to babysit for our anniversary and for us to go out. Another time I was meant to be attending a baby shower and needed him to watch our daughter. Another time I had arranged to go to the theatre with a friend. His daughter lives quite far away so he wouldn't have made it back in time to watch our daughter. He was fully aware of all these plans and claim he forgot when arranging to see his daughter. I didn't ask him to cancel as it is not fair on her so I had to make other arrangements in each case.
Obviously he has been going away less because of restrictions. As soon as they eased he has been going away. I have never had a night away for our daughter. I had made a couple of plans but each time a lock down happened so obviously they got cancelled. He says he encourages me to go away and he is not stopping me, I have tried to explain that his going away so much does stop me as someone needs to look after our child. Not comfortable for either of my parents to watch her yet just incase of any risk.
In the summer once restrictions are lifted I have arranged to see my friend for a couple of days. I told him about it and he said I couldn't do it on that date because he was going on a cycle holiday. I told him he hasn't told me anything about this and yet again he claims he did and I forgot. He asked me to cancel it saying I could go to my friends anytime. I could rearrange it but feel I shouldn't have to, he could also rearrange camping. So I have been refusing he is now in a sulk. Am I the asshole for not rearranging my plans?
Edit: I had got a family calendar when's the issues of him double booking seeing is daughter arose. Problem is he will only write in it if I nag him to do so. Or he will say he will do it later and not to treat him like a child.
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p8basx/update_aita_for_booking_to_go_away_the_same_time/) 1
Not sure if anyone really wanted an update but the situation came to a head so I just wanted to vent. Thank you for everyone who commented.
So I had a word with him about the family calender and people's suggestions about if it's not on the calendar it doesn't exist. Making sure my time away was on there. He seemed to go along with it and said he would reschedule his cycle trip - great I thought!
Until it came to the morning of the trip. My bf often gets up super early and I roll over and go back to sleep so thought nothing of it when he was up early. Heard the door go but just presumed he was taking out the bins or something. When I woke up, couldn't find him and the car had gone. Tried to phone him - no answer. Some of his stuff had gone. Asked my neighbor to check his garage for my bfs bike (where he keeps it). It had gone. Confused and quietly seething at this point try his phone a couple more times. Nothing. Phone my friend at this point saying I can find him and will probably miss my train.
About midday I get a phone call. He had gone on his trip. Tells my to check the calendar. He has tipexed out my writing and written in his trip. I say a few choice words to him. He basically says it's my fault as I should have got up earlier. So I told him that he won and he is now free to go on as many cycle trips as he wants now.
Friend suggested taking the kids to the seaside (her son is a similar age). We spent the next day at the beach and had a nice time.
Told bf not to come back. He says I'm over reacting but I am done.
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p8basx/update_aita_for_booking_to_go_away_the_same_time/)
He came back on Sunday. Unfortunately can't change locks due to renting. Came back like nothing had really happened. I calmly asked him to leave as our daughter was about. He said he wasn't going anywhere and he will watch her next week so I could go away. I said I couldn't believe he has completely missed the point of what he had done. Called my brother and asked him to pick us up. We have been staying there until I can sort out the practical parts of the split. Ex has called non stop and turned up at my brother's house where brother turned him away. He has finally apologized. I said I am still done, I just don't have the energy or the will anymore. | TheLadyLavender | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/p8ehca/boyfriend_continuously_disregards_ops_plans/ | p8ehca | 5,343 | 1,778 | [
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2021-08-20T23:25:51 | "Fiance[F31] said her Ex is the "love of her life" + multiple updates | Relationship_Advice | *I am not OP, this is a repost. I did edit some, noted by "(edited)", as he would put all former posts into the updates, and since all the former posts are here, those recaps aren't necessary*
[**Original Post - July 23, 2020**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hwg8a0/fianc%C3%A9f31said_her_ex_is_the_love_of_her_life/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
So I’m in a bit of a daze right now to be honest.
My fiancé\[F31\] and I \[M33\] got engaged in October last year and have been in a relationship for 5 years now. Everything has been great and I can honestly say that I’ve never met anyone who comes close to her, she’s been the love of my life for sure. I’ve known her most of my life, we grew up on the same street just round the corner from each other. Her Mum and Dad still stay in the same house and I still stay in the same house I grew up in which my Mum left to me when she passed away in 2014. We still don’t officially live together yet but for all intents and purposes she lives here. Her parents and her are really close though and she still has her bedroom there and will occasionally spend the night there but she’s never away from here.
Anyway this morning I decided to go take a walk down to the shops to buy some things and as I was about half way down(15 minute walk)I realised I had forgotten my face mask(masks are mandatory here in shops since 10th of July), so I had to walk back and get mine. When I walked in the door to grab the mask from the kitchen table I heard her speaking to someone loudly on the phone in the living room and she said “yeah but David will always be the love of my life”. David is her ex boyfriend, I don’t know a great deal about him but I know they were in a relationship for 2 years and it ended a year before we started dating. He also dumped her. I just grabbed my mask and walked back out and just as I got to the shops i felt weird and I had to sit down as my mind was going in a thousand different directions. I eventually got back home and immediately told her I feel sick and sent her back round to her parents house as I didn’t want her about as I was Ill.
I’m now lying in my bed wondering what to do to be honest. I know she didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not like she cheated on me or intentionally went out of her way to hurt me but what’s heard can’t be unheard. She basically said that the person who she’s agreed to marry isn’t a patch on an ex she’s not been with for 6 years. The fact she said he will always be the love of her life also means that it’s a void game, her heart’s already been taken and there’s nothing I could ever do to change that. Also what would happen if he did come back in to her life? You can’t turn down the love of your life when they come calling and I’d be dumped quicker than yesterday’s leftovers.
So what do I do? Tell her I was earwigging on her and heard her say that shit? Just end the relationship for a completely vague reason like “oh it’s not you it’s me” etc...Swallow my pride and pretend I didn’t hear it? Everything has been wonderful but there’s no way on this Earth I want to be someone’s second choice, especially when her ex is the one on her mind that she obviously would be with if she could. I’m thinking about just saying it’s not working between us.
She’s now texting me about coming round tonight and mothering and spoiling me cos I’m “the sickie”...Fuck that.
[**Recovered Updated #1 - July 28, 2020**](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hze8ti/update_to_fianc%C3%A9_f31_said_her_ex_is_the_love_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I was gonna update sooner but I’ve spent the last 3 and a half days in a drunken stupor so my apologies but I’ll warn you, this is not a good update.
Right so after posting and receiving some advice on reddit on Thursday I was thinking of telling her to come back round on Thursday night so we could talk but settled on Friday morning instead as I wanted to get my head in a clearer state. She still thought I was ill so i needed a bit of time to think through what I was going to say. So she comes round on Friday morning about 8am with rolls and tuna mayo crunch her Mum had made for me along with grapes, sweets and juice and stuff. I think she could see right away that something was wrong as I must’ve looked stony faced and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Anyways I said to her that I wasn’t really sick and that yesterday as I was going to the shops i forgot my mask, had to come back to retrieve it and when i got in to get it i heard her talking in the other room...about David. Her face went completely pale and she started welling up so I instinctively stopped talking and just stared at her. She then runs into the toilet, locks the door and starts hysterically crying and alarm bells are going off all over the place in my head.
Her reaction made me think she didn’t know what I heard so she must’ve said some other shit about him as well. I chapped on the door and told her if she has any aspirations of saving this relationship she had better tell me everything right now. 30 minutes or so go by and she finally comes out dabbing her face with a tissue and tells me David got back in touch with her 4 or 5 months ago and she had been sleeping with him once or twice a week since. I said on my previous post she will occasionally go and stay with her parents, it’s usually about once a week, sometimes twice, sometimes none. The thing is I’ve just popped round myself dozens of times over the years to speak to her Mum or Dad, watch tv or anything at all really without informing her and she’s always been there so it’s just become routine and I’ve never thought anymore of it. This has obviously been the times that she’s gone to meet David. All I can think of is that the snippet of conversation I heard her having was her friend or something helping her choose between David and I.
When I heard this I hit the roof, I threw her out grabbed handfuls of her stuff, put it in bin bags and threw it out the door in to the front garden, she’s still standing there btw. I then grabbed my garden hose and drenched the shit out of the bags with it(I’m not proud of that, it was extremely petty and in hindsight I should never have done that). She at this point has ran round to her house and about a minute later her Dad comes rampaging round screaming. Her Dad and I end up rolling about the now quagmire-ish front garden fighting, at about 9 am in the morning no less. Police vans and everything ended up turning up and half the street was out because of the rammy.
Afterwords I blocked her on everything and went to my friends house where 3 of us spent the weekend and Monday(they took off work, I’m on furlough) drinking. When I got back in the house this morning I noticed she had been back in the house at some point...made the beds, done the washing and ironed. I have no idea why she done this.
As I’m writing this she’s tried to get in again, I haven’t been able to change the locks yet so I put the door chains on the front and back door and from upstairs heard the door opening and the chains clanging as she tried to get in. There’s also a note that she’s put through the door. I don’t even want to read it right now, I’m too hurt, hungry and hungover to even think about what she has to say.
[**Update #2 - August 13, 2020 (edited)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/i92jr7/update_2_to_fianc%C3%A9_f31_said_her_ex_is_the_love_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Update 2
Sorry for the belated but I’m in a bad way right now, I’m half drunk as I write this so bear with me.
Since everything that has happened things have took a turn for the worse...As many of you mentioned I should Do, I sent an email to her father, explaining my side of the story and apologising for taking things public and embarrassing his daughter but as I said previously, I acted instinctively. I didn’t apologise for fighting him as I was reacting to him coming at me. He basically told me to fuck off, and accused me of biting his ear for some reason. So that’s what was stuck in my teeth. I joke ofcourse...if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.
About a week ago I went outside to find my car key’d right down from the passenger side wing mirror round to the boot. Last Sunday I was walking down the road to meet a friend at the arches(a place where we occasionally hang out and walk from an arched bridge) and as I was turning the corner the local mouth(gossip) called me a disgrace. I said how am I disgrace and she told me that I’m a disgrace for beating up my ex-fiancé. Let’s just be clear here, I’ve never laid a finger on her in my life, either her, her father or someone else is perpetuating this lie and me throwing her shit out and hosing it has obviously given this an authenticity.
I haven’t spoken to my ex and she hasn’t tried to contact me anymore, I think they’re all on the same page now, that I’m the bad guy. I’ve got the ball rolling in putting my house up for sale, I can’t live here anymore. I wish I still had my Mum to lean on, she would make things better.
Sorry for the shit update.
[**Final/ 1 Year Update - August 20, 2021 (edited)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p89r1v/year_update_fianc%C3%A9_said_ex_was_the_love_of_her/)
Final Update
Firstly, I want to thank everyone who has reached out...I’ve tried to reply to everyone and hopefully this update will help.
I am since still in my house but I will be renting it out rather than selling...I can’t in good conscience give up something that was my mums and has been in the family for generations.
I have since spoke to the father and i understand why the family circled the wagons but to throw me under the bus so brutally...was genuinely ridiculous...collateral damage to me and my name is alright apparently. Only known them my entire life.
All in all I feel like I was in the midst of a shit shower that changed course...still struggling but feeling a lot better now that I’ve got an umbrella and a fucking roadmap.
——Also would like to note that i posted on social media giving my side of the story. Whether or not that was right or not is up for debate I guess but it was after I had let those close to me discreetly spread it first so I felt the time was right. Her side are still singing off the same hymn sheet but hoping neutrals will see things from my side. My close pals have been incredible throughout all this, but that’s why they’re close pals I guess.
Anyways cheers,
Another update
Well it’s been over a year and I have since moved out my house and am now renting it to a nice older couple, so thought I would update.
I’m doing great have even got myself a girlfriend, wish me luck. What I’ve learned? Life came at me fast, but I stood strong, and for the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to the future,. We only get one life right? Fuck spending it with someone who would treat me like trash. | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/p8gfoy/fiancef31_said_her_ex_is_the_love_of_her_life/ | p8gfoy | 11,099 | 767 | [
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2021-08-21T18:36:32 | Kissing Conumdrum for Christmas | Relationships | *I am not OP, this is a repost*
[Original Post with Update at bottom](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/kj4d97/how_do_i_tell_my_girlfriend_i_hate_her_lip_balm/)
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway92985829/)
# How do I tell my girlfriend I hate her lip balm?
📷
Throwaway because I have friends who know my follow my reddit.
I’d like to preface this by saying I have the most amazing girlfriend in the world. She is funny, intelligent, and drop dead gorgeous. She works hard and shitty job (Hooter’s waitress) to put herself through a top college and is always positive and loving. She’s witty and smart and I genuinely think she’s my Person.
Here’s the thing. I HATE her lip balm. I’m not picky person, but she has this cherry Carmex lip balm that she always puts on now that it’s cold and dry out. We live in a cold area in an unheated college apartment, so she’s always putting on. Everyday one of us gets home from work she gives me a kiss, which always makes my bad days better. But that stupid lip balm. The taste of it makes me nauseous. Like genuinely sick, my stomach churns. Thing is, giving her kisses and cuddling with her is always the best part of my day, but even the smell from when she’s in my lap or whatever makes me feel horrible.
You may be wondering, why not just ask her to use a different one, or express your aversion to the scent?
She LOVES that lip balm. Last year when I first met her, before we dated I can remember her going on about it at parties, study sessions, even during lectures. How much she loves Cherry Carmex, how nice it tastes and how soft it makes her lips. Top item on her Christmas list? Bulk order of Cherry Carmex tubes. She has a PYJAMA SHIRT she bought off Redbubble with Cherry Freaking Carmex on it. She didn’t bother wearing it before it got dry out since it does also get hot and humid where we live, or usually wore lipstick pre-mask era.
I can’t take that stupid lip balm anymore. But I love my girlfriend more than anything and don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Advice?
UPDATE:
Thank you for all the advice and comments and messages. I went out today, to CVS, Sephora, and a bunch of other small online stores you guys recommended. Bought $400 worth of lip balm. We give one present on Christmas Eve, and today I gave her about 20 tubes of lip balm including an expensive La Neige lip mask (thanks [u/Brooklyn\_Bunny](https://www.reddit.com/u/Brooklyn_Bunny/) !). I told her basically that she is the best person I’ve ever met and her only flaw is her lip balm, and that when at work or school she could use it but asked if she could use one of the others I got when at home. She giggled and cried (in a sweet way, she wasn’t to put off), and then made a point of giving me a kiss with every single lip balm I gave her. I liked that. She also took a nap and tried the lip mask and says she loved it. Thank you to whoever suggested that. Thank you so much to all of you who commented, her reaction’s got me considering proposing when we graduate this year. Happy Holidays! | amistada | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/p8wrdg/kissing_conumdrum_for_christmas/ | p8wrdg | 3,065 | 997 | [
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2021-08-22T00:52:59 | My (53f) ex-husband's daughter announced she's getting married. What should I do with their family's heirloom ring? + UPDATE | Relationship_Advice | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p00k6o/my_53f_exhusbands_daughter_announced_shes_getting/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) by u/throwRA_ring
My ex-husband and I married too young. It was a classic white wedding with vows and the tradition of passing down a family ring. My ex was given his great grandmother's wedding ring to give to me on our wedding day. We had a wonderful start, but we both really weren't ready to settle. He cheated on me and my drinking turned into alcoholism. We divorced and the ring was never really discussed, so I've kept it all this time. We married at 19 and divorced by 22. Luckily we didn't have kids.
We went our separate ways. He found someone and remarried and had a girl and boy. My journey has been harder. Alcoholism took many things from me, but I kept the old wedding ring. Never pawned, traded, or lost it. Even during some really dark times. Even tho my marriage ended, it was like a memory of better time. I've gotten clean and so far I'm on a long winning streak getting my life put back together.
Through the gossip lines I found out my ex is still married and his daughter, their oldest, just got engaged. I still have his great grandmother's ring. He had talked with me before we even married how he wanted to pass it down to his daughter one day.
We haven't talked once after all these years. I don't know if he still wants his daughter to have this ring, maybe he's forgotten about it. I feel conflicted what to do. It wasn't a good ending, we were so young and stupid and mutually overly entitled.
Should I get in touch, or let sleeping dogs lie? Mail it as a wedding gift with a card anonymously? Or say It's from me?
Edit: thank you for all your kindness! I will definitely get in touch with him and let him decide where we go from there. Hopefully he'll want to meet face to face. It would be nice to see him after all this time.
I'll keep this account up and will give an update if anything happens. :)
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p91shy/update_returning_of_my_exhusbands_great/)
So, small recap, my ex-husband and I exchanged wedding vows and I was given his great grandmother's wedding ring. We divorced (his cheating, my drinking) and the ring was never discussed and I ended up saving it as a keepsake all these years as a memory of another life I once had. I'm clean now for a long while and I recently spoke with a friend who knows of my ex's family and brought up how his daughter recently got engaged. I immediately thought of the ring, it was to be passed down to our daughter if we had had children. This being a family heirloom it compelled me to return it even tho it's been decades since my ex and I last spoke and not even sure he'd want it back. After posting here for advice, I decided I needed to do this for his family.
I had the ring professionally cleaned at a jeweler and given a pretty box to put it in. While I was there I took the advice of one commenter and ordered myself a ring. Instead of an inset diamond, I gave mine a ruby. It was my grandmother's name and she never gave up on me and it seemed fitting considering the other ring belonged to a great grandmother. I decided to have maybe a cliche engraving of the word "forward" because that's how I've made it here to where I am now, by moving forward.
My ex lives about 2 hours into town and I had a girl friend come with me. First we drove by and there weren't any cars, so we grabbed lunch and tried again. This time someone was home, and I decided to leave things be. I had my friend go up to the door and knock. I saw him open the door. She handed him the package and pretty much headed straight back to the car. He didn't say much, she told me. Seemed a bit confused, but thanked her and that was it.
I didn't get to see if it made him happy or if he called his mother saying the ring found its way home. I imagine him beaming while explaining the ring to his wife as he passes it to his daughter. It is fun to imagine. (I also imagine a lot of crying and hugging, but that's probably going too far).
I had a note with it. I wrote almost exactly what a commenter suggested: "It's been an honor and privilege to be part of the history of this ring. Please accept it back with best wishes to your family and to your daughter's engagement."
In a way, I kinda like not knowing how everyone reacted. I can daydream about it, my own fairytale. I didn't include any way to contact me, just my name. I found him and feel if he wants to, he'll find me. But I don't see much point. Our time was short and it ended and this is probably the best closure I never expected. It makes my heart lighter. Thank you all for helping and sharing this with me.
Tl:Dr After the divorce I had kept the ring and now I've returned it back home. I probably won't ever know how well it was received, but I imagine happiness and that's what I'm sticking with. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/p92ybd/my_53f_exhusbands_daughter_announced_shes_getting/ | p92ybd | 4,970 | 2,262 | [
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2021-08-22T08:28:48 | Guy Pees His Pants In Front Of His Date (Wholesome) | TIFU | [Original in r/TIFU](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/p2ao6n/tifu_by_peeing_my_pants_in_front_of_my_date/)
TIFU by peeing my pants in front of my date
Embarassing as heck guys. I feel disgusting. A real TIFU on all levels.
I (23M) have liked this girl (23) for around 3 years now. We are in the same university classes and even during the pandemic when i barely saw her i still was crushing on her. I asked her out last week and was over the moon when she agreed. Today we met up in a nearby restaurant and that's where this all started.
I have this condition called paruresis (shy bladder syndrome) where i just am not physically able to pee if other people are around in public bathrooms. Even if i really have to go, i just can't. So because of my nerves and because of how hot it is and the amount of water i (stupidly) drank, i ended up going to the bathroom several times but of course couldn't pee.
Then she told me that if i was not feeling ok, it would be totally fine to go home. I agreed, and apologized to her. She ended up paying the bill (it's so sweet, but damn i really have to pay her back) and we got out. It was somewhere in the parking lot where it happened. I just could not hold it back. I just stood there, traumatized. I did not now this girl well enough, but i was prepared to get ridiculed.
She first went 'oh my god are you okay?' Then started stroking my back and took off her jacket and put it around me. She told me it could happen to anyone and i should come to her place which was a 2 min walk where i could shower. I did agree on it, because i felt like a disgusting mess. We went to her place and well actually it turned out to be an amazing day, i showered, we watched some cartoons till my clothes were dry, talked about life and deep shit, and she got us ice cream. I know she was trying to make me feel better and i love her for that but still i was dying inside.
I left just an hour ago because she needs to work in the evening and night. I was at the door when she hugged me and said it was a good day and to repeat it again soon.
This was embarassing as heck but for the first time in my life i was not mocked or ridiculed. Even my parents would laugh at me. I feel like i hit the jackpot now, and it kind of feels surreal she was so damn sweet and reacted this way. Like... wow, how could she be this amazing? How could she like me? I bet she doesn't and just didn't want to make it worse for me today? That's probably it...
Anyhow... that's how TIFU. Guess now i really have to step up my game to make things right with her.
TLDR; I peed my pants in front of my date due to paruresis, she did react very sweet but still it was super embarassing, and i don't know if she can ever like me
GUYS a few minutes ago she texted me that she is at work and asked me how i am doing, then she says for the next date let's go somewhere in nature to a quiet place or whatever place is comfortable to you and asked when i have time and i am seriously shaking this is the absolute best thing ever, is this even really happening??? There is some chance out there for her to be my gf and it's surreal
*Update added as an edit*
Final update- our second date is set now and i know for sure i won't ruin it, this girl is more than amazing, but so are you guys. Thanks a lot for all your kind, positive and heartwarming comments!! I'll make sure i'll show it to her, can't believe this is happening and we are going out again!! Thanks to all of you and have a very very great day! Totally forgot to say but some people asked so i'll mention it here too: she knows about the paruresis, i told her when i was at her place. She proceeded to look up more info about it and how it can be treated, and was super supportive. She's totally the best. Never give up, someone will accept and love you for who you are 😊 | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/p98vib/guy_pees_his_pants_in_front_of_his_date_wholesome/ | p98vib | 3,861 | 646 | [
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2021-08-22T14:00:17 | OP seeks advice after being strangled by his wife. | Relationship_Advice | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/p9cyap/op_seeks_advice_after_being_strangled_by_his_wife/ | p9cyap | 9 | 36 | [
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2021-08-22T14:53:40 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/p9dtnr/deleted_by_user/ | p9dtnr | 9 | 626 | [
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2021-08-22T18:20:15 | OP spoke his "truth" and got a reality check. | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p8qwhn/aita_for_speaking_my_truth/) by [u/Impressive\_Mix\_2559/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Impressive_Mix_2559/)
​
My sister is my Dad’s golden child and no matter how much I try to get him to see me as her equal it never works and I believe she takes advantage of it. Usually is not much of an issue, but this week some things happened which were the cherry on top.
I‘m hopefully getting married next year and she asked if she could invite her inlaws because they will come next time she comes over. I said OK only because my parents are paying but I know she just wants to do it for the attention. So she will have at least 4 people from her political family there and for sure parade them around. Also, my parents are about to have a big anniversary in November but they are postponing any celebration because my sister, who lives overseas, doesn’t want to travel so long until things are even calmer. BUT LAST MONTH SHE WENT ON A HOLIDAY TO A COUNTRY NEXT TO HERS.
I was having lunch with them and my fiance when they informed me they are moving their big celebration to next year and I couldn’t handle it anymore: I said to my Dad “of course you will postpone, we should all stop living until she is here” he said it was uncalled for and I was making a big deal about something that had nothing to do with me and my Mom said they will of course have something intimate and I was as important but I don’t believe it. I stood up and said to my Dad “I am so sorry the love of your life is not around but the most important woman in your life should be your wife not your daughter”. After that I left.
The next day I felt bad and tried to call my Mom who refuses to speak with me and just sent me a text telling me I was bitter and was hurtful and need help. But they and particularly my Dad hurt me with their desire of giving her such a prevalent role in their lives when she has lived abroad for like 10 years. My Dad blocked me and my fiance is worried they won’t pay for the wedding anymore. My sister, trying to be the center of the universe as usual, tried calling me but I didn’t reply.
I gave it a few days but my parents haven’t contacted me. My sister stopped trying to get in contact with me but she contacted my fiance to “check on me”. I visited my Grands today and she told me I need to apologize because my parents love us both but we are different and so got different things so I began to wonder if I was the asshole.
I just want some days where I am the most important person to my parents and still believe that my sister’s golden child status should be addressed and corrected but maybe I was the asshole for the way I expressed it?
Edit: I am (26M), my fiance or fiancee is a woman. English is not my first language sorry.
I also want to clear out I don't think my parents are bad people but just bad parents.
Edit2:
This is long time coming. My sister (33) and my Dad have a little club. She is smart, reading since 4 and all that. Since she was very young my Dad used to take her to visit his clients in a nearby city and sometimes she would stay with one of his best friends who owned a book store and she has a very large book collection that my parents refuse to throw away, even when I tell them to send them to the woman (Dad’s best friend) or my sister. They talk almost daily and discuss economics, politics, etc. I am not interested on any of those and yes he tried to take me with him but I was always bored and did things like going to my games or getting us stadium tickets for our team but I feel he likes her more. My Mom on the other hand has ups and downs with my sister because they are very different. The last issue was my sister’s weddings 5 years ago(YES SHE HAD TWO) one intimate where she lives and another in our country, and my Mom wanted to have her dresses made from a special fabric and my sister put a budget limit on how much the dress was going to be and even wanted to wear the same dress for both things. They had an argument but in the end she had 2 dresses but with the budget. She didn’t even let me bring my gf (future wife) because she wanted it to be intimate but there were like 50 people there. My Mom told my fiance she would be buying or making her dress SINGULAR, my Mom and fiance have a very good relationship so I am sure my sister was involved somehow in convincing her of that.
Sister has a Phd that my parents paid for and doesn’t work in the family businesses at all, only consults sometimes and pretends she doesn’t want to be paid for it. My parents supported her until she got a job and every time she graduated for the Masters and the Phd we had to go to Europe to be there. I work in a family business so I know they have to talk to me eventually even if they are angry. I could give more and more examples of their favoritism towards her. I also don’t hate her I just wish she would let me shine on my days.
And yes the wedding would be a gift but if they were willing to pay for two and many dresses and honeymoon then I deserve the same treatment!
Edit3/Update1:
In case anybody wants to know (you might be happy about this)
I got a message from my Dad telling me to be in a family zoom call, to say everything I want and everybody will take turns. He said if I didn’t attend he will pull out his funding from our business so I had to go but told him I will ask my fiance to be in too.
It was me, fiance, parents, sister and her husband. The moment I connected I noticed my sister was pissed. I was the first to speak, I told them all my feelings and even brought up the fact hey are treating my wedding differently and even what some commenters brought up about my parents leaving the businesses to my sister. I spoke about how hurtful it was they preferred her, they seem to talk to her about serious things and she gets so much and they all think she is great etc. Nobody said anything or interrupted me, which is very common in serious family talks. Then they asked if my fiance wanted to say anything and she bravely said she felt she was not part of the family and she always thought they thought of her as a daughter and she stands by me.
Then it was my Mom’s turn and she told me she was sorry about my feelings, that they tried to do things I liked and that they love us both equally. She said it was sad I pretended everything was ok and they didn’t know how deep it was but she still thinks I need help. She then told my fiance she loves her but my sister is her only daughter.
Then it was my Dad’s turn. He said he is sorry I feel he doesn’t like me but he isn’t sorry for loving his kid. He said I didn’t mind the tickets, cars, or even living in a house rent free and he is disappointed. He said everything they own will be divided 50-50 when they died and if I didn’t want my sister to have anything to do with our business then I can buy him out. He said they will pay for my wedding no matter what because it’s something they always wanted to do for they kids but are not happy with me. He also told my fiance that she should be grateful and not greedy.
By then I was upset with the lack of apologies and the attack of my fiance but I held it.
Then my BIL told me he didn’t know how I feel about his family and he just assumed his nuclear family would come just like I was at his brother’s wedding. He said no hard feelings over it.
Then it was my sister. A thing about my sister is that when she is truly angry she doesn’t swear or screams, she is just really cold, hard and to the neck. She said she could feel me distancing at around 10-11 when she visited from uni and I was not included in some conversations with my Dad. She said she accepted being my guardian at 18 if my parents died so she had to be brought up to speed on all matters and didn’t want to stress me out. She said she could have been a better sister and she was sorry I grew so full or resentment but that her career path had nothing to do with me. She reminded me I was offered to go abroad but I didn’t want to. She reminded me that I have gone on holidays with her and let me know those holidays were paid by her or her husband not my parents (news to me). She said she asked me about her inlaws coming because they need to plan the trip around my wedding. She said my fiance and I were only 7 months together when she got married and that she didn’t want my parents to have to pay for her trip. She said that the reason she doesn’t want to get paid for consulting is because she thinks is not right but that next time she will invoice me her actual hourly rate since I am so insulted by it. She said she went to the Netherlands (from Germany) because she was truly burned out and is pathetic I think is the same as taking a 10 hr plane. She said my Grandma was the one that told her everything I said because my parents tried to protect me and that she was done with me for the moment until I get therapy. And the last thing she said was that she loves me but doesn’t like me at all right now.
This is obvious summary but the was she said the things is something I have seen her do to people but never to me and I almost cried but she had no niceness in the eyes. My parents said they can get me therapy or I can find it myself and that if I don’t try something to help myself the wedding is the last thing I will get from them. What made me feel worse is how my sister spoke to me, she has never talked to me like this even when we argued so I know she is serious.
I got my A\*\* handed to me. Yes I am jealous and the asshole. I am upset my fiance is crying but I think I need to evaluate what my next move is.
Also we are from Latam.
​
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/user/Impressive_Mix_2559/comments/p9cn6w/update/)
I haven’t been able to sleep and decided to read all the comments again. I tried calling my sister because even if yes I am jealous of her it still hurts me the way she talked to me. She refused to talk to me but I could speak with my BIL. He said the reason she doesn’t want to talk to me is because I hurt her deeply and she feels emotionally drained by me and knows if we talk she will say more hurtful things. This made me realize how much I love my sister and the problem is me. I still have bad feelings and feel I have been slighted, I can not say I am magically a different person but my family has never talked to me like they did and my sister has always defended me and I thought she did it to look good. I am beginning to think maybe she actually loves me. I am very confused.
My BIL is an amazing man too and he told me to just get help and give it time but I am unsure what to do or where to go, he told me to research therapists and pick one and he would help me choose if I want his help. He also said I should stop thinking my family doesn’t care that they are not perfect but they do their best. But he also asked me what is my fiance’s family contributing to the wedding or our lives and I could not think of anything. She lives with me, works with me and her parents are not paying anything because they say my family is better off. I don’t know where that will go but I did tell her I need help because I became a monster so no wedding until my family issue is fixed. She is crying but said she understands.
My Grandma said that she told my sister because my parents just told her there was an argument but not what I said, looking back what I said is disgusting and I feel bad about it. She said my family wouldn’t react so strongly unless they love me a lot. I asked my Dad if I can take some mental days off (noit a thing in my country) and he said it sounds like a good thing and reminded me they love me and just want me to be happy and not just pretend to be happy.
Also, the books are in her walk in closet in her bedroom at my parents. They still have a lot of my stuff in my bedroom and my parents said I am welcome to Sunday meeting whenever I feel ready to go. I also must admit that she did two weddings because my parents asked if she would be willing to do so. My Mom wanted to get her super fancy dresses and at the end they got 2 dresses for like 600 euros because my sister put a limit of 300 per dress. I think maybe I am jealous of her because she is actually better than me, I just don’t want to feel like this anymore or hurting my family anymore.
So I guess I can thank reddit for the hard comments, I have so many issues and so much jealousy about my sister to get over I don’t know where to start. I am beginning to doubt if I am even ready to get married. But if the comments had been full of support I would probably not see it. And of course my family call was really something hard to be in. | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/p9hrye/op_spoke_his_truth_and_got_a_reality_check/ | p9hrye | 12,754 | 784 | [
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2021-08-23T06:03:27 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/p9tqds/deleted_by_user/ | p9tqds | 9 | 1,560 | [
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2021-08-23T13:45:34 | OP is worried about the safety of 3 homeless men who suddenly disappeared. | /r/RBI | **This is a repost; I am not the Original Poster.**
**[Original:](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/p4flnk/worried_about_safety_of_3_homeless_people_is/)**
> Sorry for the format, I'm on my phone.
>
> (I live in Washington State)
>
> There has been 3 homeless men that have a dog living nearby my house. They live in a car, but they also have a bike they use to get back and fourth. Anyhow, I haven't seen these homeless people nor their dog in almost a week. It has been above 95 degrees most days of the week, so I assumed they were at a cooling center but they are literally FEET from a cooling center and they weren't in there when I checked.
>
> Their dog was seen and caught running in an abandoned field 2 days ago, no sign of the owner(s). Their car has not moved in almost a week, their bike has been locked up with the wheel in the car (I assume they did that for safety?) for almost a week. I haven't seen any signs of them.
>
> I am incredibly worried something happened to them, but I'm unsure what I can do or if the police can even do a wellness check since they only have a car?
>
> Any advice on what I should do would be incredibly helpful. Thank you!
>
> Quick edit: Dog was NOT caught, still running around the abandoned field. Humane society is attempting to set up a trap to catch it. Keeps running into blackberry bushes. :(
>
> ***Edit for clarity:*** I do **NOT** know any of the names of the homeless people, I can only go based off descriptions of their looks. The dog is located exactly 0.8 miles from the car, in a field. We have been attempting to capture the dog. In the town I live in, it's fairly small and we literally have 0 homeless resources other than the occasional cooling shelter and warming shelters on days and a food bank that's only open one day a week. Basically if you become homeless in the town, you're out of luck. As of 7:23 AM on Sunday, there have been no updated and nothing in the car has been moved. I have contacted 4 nearby homeless Shelters, a Catholic Church, a Lutheran Church and 3 Baptist Churches that all have been offering stays for Homeless during the hot weather. Catholic and 1 Baptist Church will get back in contact with me sometime later day. Lutheran and 2 Baptist Churches said they can't look for me. :\
**[Update:](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/p519gb/worried_about_3_homeless_people_update/)**
> I am so so happy to report that all three men are back and they're okay! I literally just talked to them! I have never been so happy to see three strangers before in my life! The dog is also safe, it was captured and taken to the Humane Society at around 11:45 AM today. I told the homeless men where the dog was and told them I had been worried about them. They seemed confused on why I was worried but happy that I had had been worried lol.
> Thank you all so much for your advice, had I just waited 24 hours to make my post, they would have came back. lol
> **Edit:** I was able to get in touch with the humane society again today (They're closed Mondays typically but hours changed because covid), it'll be $356 to release the dog (Got it dewormed, flea treatment, exam, and treated for injury from running in and out of the blackberry bushes.) I will be paying to release the dog tomorrow.
> **Edit 2:** Doggy has been released. I only had to pay $349 (what a steal lol) Doggy is returned back to their owners :) | CrossbredCur | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pa04va/op_is_worried_about_the_safety_of_3_homeless_men/ | pa04va | 3,473 | 801 | [
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2021-08-23T14:34:40 | AITA for "implying that my wife is the cookie monster" | AITA | AITA for "implying that my wife is the cookie monster"
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p9pekb/aita_for_implying_that_my_wife_is_the_cookie/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
**this isn’t my post, I just thought the update was adorable and wanted to post it here. I repeat, this isn’t mine.**
My wife and I have a 5 year old daughter, Ellie. Ellie loves cookies and takes it very seriously when her cookies go missing. My wife is also pregnant with twins and sometimes loses track of how many cookies she eats.
Last night my wife came to me and said she ate the rest of the cookies. I said no problem and that we'll go to the store today for more.
Ellie went to the kitchen for a snack and looked into the cookie jar to find it empty. She ran to me and said that we had an emergency- the cookies were missing! I helped her look for them but after a few minutes, she realized they were really gone. I told her the cookie monster must've snuck in while sleeping and stolen the cookies. Needless to say, she's very mad at the cookie monster right now.
I took her to target and when we were buying cookies, she said we need to get another package to hide in the pantry in case the cookie monster came back. I said that was a good idea and we left with our replacement cookies and our emergency cookies.
When we got home, my wife pulled me aside and said that I shouldn't have said the cookie monster stole the cookies when I knew she did it and that I'm implying that she's the cookie monster.
I didn't think it was a big deal but she seemed pretty hurt so I wanted to know if I was the asshole.
Edit: The cookie monster left a card for Ellie apologizing for eating all of the cookies without asking and left her a cookie monster stuffed animal. The only downside is the card and stuffed animal were surrounded by cookie crumbs and it looks like there's a cookie missing from the jar.
Thanks fretnone for the cookie crumbs idea | 9shadowcat9 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pa128a/aita_for_implying_that_my_wife_is_the_cookie/ | pa128a | 1,975 | 1,045 | [
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2021-08-23T15:47:07 | OP asks if she is AITA for calling her friend spoiled (Very Wholesome) | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pa2in7/op_asks_if_she_is_aita_for_calling_her_friend/ | pa2in7 | 9 | 641 | [
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2021-08-23T21:55:12 | AITA for telling my friend she is spoiled? | AITA | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pa9run/aita_for_telling_my_friend_she_is_spoiled/ | pa9run | 9 | 13 | [
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2021-08-23T22:42:56 | "AITA for asking for either my PS4 or $1,000 from my brother during his time of need?" + update | AITA | *I am not OP*
[**Original Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p6j2de/aita_for_asking_for_either_my_ps4_or_1000_from_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Hi, Reddit.
I’m in a bit of a pickle right now and I could use some moral judgement.
This is a bit of a long read, so feel free to skip to the TLDR at the end.
I (19F) very avidly play video games. To give you an idea of have passionate I am about them, I’m currently going to college for video game development and computer science.
And most people know that playing video games has become a pretty expensive hobby.
So back when I was a preteen, I received a PS4 as a Christmas gift from my dad. I had to pay for all games and anything extra, but that’s okay.
So I’ve bought tons of games and have probably spent nearly $1k in games and DLC. All from my own pocket.
A few years ago, my older brother (25M) started liking video games too. So he began using my PS4 regularly, to the point that he used it more than even I did.
We began splitting the prices of games we wanted to play and it made it easier on both of us doing that.
Here’s where the issue comes in.
My brother had been living at home for a couple years while he went to a community college in our home town. But a couple years back, he moved several hours away to attend a different college.
When he did that, he took the PS4 with him.
I was not made aware of this until he had already moved out. I came back home one day from a friends house to find that the console, controllers and all of the games were missing.
Turned out he lied to our mom that i had given him permission to take it.
Turns out, his girlfriend had apparently taken a liking to The Sims 4 and played it pretty much nonstop on our PS4 and wanted to make her happy.
I made the decision that once he graduated and worked full-time, that I’d ask for him to either return the PS4 and all games, controllers, and game drives or to reimburse me for it.
Now that time has come. He graduated months ago and ended up landing a great paying job. So I finally took the time and asked him what I stated in the previous paragraph.
He ended up going off and cursing me out. Apparently, his girlfriend decided to become a stay-at-home wife and he’s paying the bills. He thought I was aware of this, so he was super upset that I’d “be such a greedy b\*tch in his time of need.”
I told him that he didn’t have to give me money if he just gave back what was mine (and if he did give me money, I didn’t need it right now nor in a single payment), but he said that his girlfriend was super attached to it, so he couldn’t do that to her.
We argued more before he ended up hanging up and blocking me on everything.
The reaction was so extreme that I’m wondering if I was wrong. I didn’t realize he was having financial issues, but I guess I should have been more in the know, considering he’s family.
TLDR: I spent $1k+ on my PS4 and games, only for my brother to take it and refuse to return it. I asked for either all of my belongings back or to be reimbursed, but my brother is having financial hardships right now.
EDIT: Just found out he lied about the financial hardships. Talked to some family members and found out that the only bills he pays is the electric bill, because he’s living in my grandfather’s old home. I will be calling from my mom’s phone tomorrow to let him know that I’m taking him to a small claims court. Thank you everyone :)
EDIT 2: Had a lot of people confused as to why I waited until he graduated to ask for my PS4 back. I didn’t include some info in the post because I hit my character limit. I did ask for it back immediately after it was stolen and we ended up coming to an agreement that we’d switch off having the PS4 each month. After a few months of doing this, he stopped bringing it back. I realized I was not going to get it back unless he could buy himself his own PS4 and games. So the PS4 was truly only missing for a year.
FINAL EDIT: A TON of stuff has happened today and I can happily say that I’ll be getting my PS4 back tomorrow! Sadly, I can’t post the full crazy update until this post is taken off of the front page. Once it is, I will be contacting the mods for permission to post a full update :)
(Little change of plans, I’ll be getting it in a few weeks instead, but I much prefer this, because it’ll be delivered by my brother’s gf rather than him instead!!)
[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pa8arn/update_aita_for_asking_for_either_my_ps4_or_1000/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I was not expecting to be delivering a final update to all of you so soon after my original post. Nor did I expect the post to get so much attention and support!
I was ruled as NTA and it made me finally realize how much of a pushover I’ve been to my brother. It took many comments encouraging me to take action that finally convinced me to take back what’s mine.
And now I can very proudly say that we’ve won :)
The day after I originally made my post was pretty crazy.
I took the advice of many redditors to threaten to take my brother to a small claims court.
So that morning, I called my brother through my mom’s phone to let him know that I’ll be taking him to a small claims court. He did answer, but he laughed off my claim and hung up.
This is where I decided to take another redditor’s recommendation of getting my family involved. For those of you who are unaware, my brother currently lives in the house that my grandfather owns. He basically lives there for free and only has to pay electric.
So I called my grandfather. He was LIVID. He told me not to worry about anything and that he’d handle it.
I got off the phone with my grandfather and I got a call from my brother about half an hour later.
My brother said he’d bring the PS4 and all the accessories to my apartment on Sunday. But I ended up heeding the advice of a redditor and put down my own terms.
I told him that I expected it at my house tomorrow after he got home from work, and that I’d be recording the exchange if he tried something funny (thank you to another redditor for that!)
About an hour after, I texted my brother’s gf the question that many people were wondering… did she know that he stole it from me? The answer is luckily no, she did not know that it was stolen from me.
Weirdly, she did know it was stolen, but she thought it was stolen from one of his friends that he used to smoke with.
After we talked, she offered to take all of my belongings to my Aunt’s house for safe keeping until she could drive it over to me when she goes on a trip upstate, since I live about 2 hours way. (I will be recording her as well, even if I trust her a bit more)
And for those wondering, what did my grandpa do to my brother to make him change up his act so quick? He gave my brother 30 days to move out before he kicked him out, but the real kicker was that he threatened to take my brother out of his will. (Keep in mind that this was not the first time my brother has been a snake to a family member, this just happened to finally be the breaking point)
So my brother finally got what was coming to him. He lost the PS4, all of its accessories, his home, and me.
So there it is everyone. The surprisingly short end to our endeavor :) this could not have been possible without the support, advice and judgement that all of the kind people on this subreddit have provided me with.
Cheers to our victory, my friends! 🥂 | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/paanxp/aita_for_asking_for_either_my_ps4_or_1000_from_my/ | paanxp | 7,552 | 1,006 | [
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2021-08-24T02:56:21 | Buckle up -- this is a long and wild ride. OP invested and it has paid off. Her entitled Sister-in-law (SIL), after being gifted money and a trip, demands "her share." When told no, SIL turns family against OP which results in criminal and civil court for various family members. | r/EntitledPeople | Edit: I am not the original poster. OP is Burneraccount-909876. ( I left this part out. First time posting in this sub.)
I hope I can do it this way since this is so long. I am going to post the links to each story. (There are 12 parts.)
As the title says, OP made investments when she was younger that paid off rather handsomely. She doesn't say how much she has but apparently, it's quite a bit. Her and her husband provided college accounts for several nieces and nephews, gifted money to her husbands parents, his sister and her husband and possibly several others so they could pay their mortgage down and then finish paying it off themselves. They also took FIL, MIL, SIL and BIL on a fancy trip. Now however, SIL demands $35,000 for a trip of her own because "she deserves it." Fireworks, assault, lawsuits and other mayhem occur once SIL is told no.
Please read in order:
1) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/hkff57/the_story_of_a_sil_who_demands_a_holiday/
2)
https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/i7pi52/you_paid_for_them_you_pay_for_us/
3) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/i89zgg/update_you_paid_for_them_you_pay_for_us/
4) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/k9ed9b/and_more_family_came_out_of_the_woodwork/
5) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/mw1yx3/the_aftermath_concerning_the_visit_part_1/
6) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/myr5g2/the_aftermath_concerning_the_visit_part_2/
7) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/nz4tyk/the_aftermath_concerning_blabbermouth_part_1/
8) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/o6wgec/the_aftermath_concerning_blabbermouth_part_2/
9) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/oc9xqr/are_you_kidding_me/
10) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/oshnnu/update_on_cousin_and_lawsuit/
11) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/p3qpb1/how_entitled_cousin_met_froufrou/
12) https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/pa1fhk/and_now_my_own_extended_family_knows_as_well/
I really feel for OP but at the same time, I'm really proud of her also. She sticks up for herself, her family and her husband stands right there beside her. Sad and uplifting with a funny part or two. | Rare-Philosopher-346 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/paev3n/buckle_up_this_is_a_long_and_wild_ride_op/ | paev3n | 2,298 | 524 | [
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2021-08-24T13:14:43 | "My boyfriend [22m] punched my dad [65m] in the face" | Relationship_Advice | *repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/haezr1/my_boyfriend_22m_punched_my_dad_65m_in_the_face/) by u/throwRA_homeless*
 
I’m sorry, this might be long. I don’t really know how to start, so I’ll just dive in. My boyfriend and I [21f] were living in a mother in law off of my parent’s house yesterday and we had been there for about a year. We have been dating for about a year and a half. He moved in because his lease ended and we are both broke college kids. I’m in school still and he’s just graduated this spring, but he now works at a sandwich shop part time because of covid.
My parents both live together in the main house. Sometimes the whole thing feels a bit like Shameless. My mother is an alcoholic, and my dad is essentially a gambling addict. He is over 40k in debt. It’s sad and makes things pretty hard on everyone. In the past I’ve had my fair share of conflict- both physical and verbal- with them. It’s more normalized in my family. Besides the addictions, they are successful functioning people, and if you weren’t told about it you wouldn’t be able to tell. But if you get to know them, they are pretty unbalanced because of it.
As for physical conflict, my parents are the type to hit and smack etc. With my mom, only when she has been drunk and she usually apologizes once she’s sobered up. It’s not a regular thing, so I don’t really count it as like “abuse” because I’m also much bigger than her. My dad has hit me even fewer times, and for him it’s in when he gets into what I would call a blackout rage. I don’t see either as the typical ‘abuse’ because I can mostly avoid it if I leave. I have gotten a black eye only once. The rest of the time doesn’t leave marks. The verbal conflicts can get bad. I would consider them a lot worse. My boyfriend has seen a few of those, and they enrage him but he hasn’t said anything before. I could tell it was getting to him, however.
My boyfriend comes from a lovely family. He’s never been hit, or even really yelled at. His mom and stepdad are sweet and caring. He has done worse things than I’ve ever done in my life, but his parents are really stand up people and he credits them for helping him get past his his rough patches. I would also describe my boyfriend as sweet and caring, but he has a violent streak. Which is strange to say. He is one of the sweetest, goofiest guys. But in a certain set of circumstances, it’s very hard to control what he does. He never attacks... but he goes WAY overboard on defense. I’ve seen it once or twice before in random situations. A random drunk guy in the city was swearing and shoving him, and instead of backing up and leaving he gets this crazy look in his eye and just goes straight to punching. He only hit the dude once before he snapped out of it. Afterwards he looked pretty horrified.
So I guess it was a perfect storm. I went in to use my parent’s desktop and minimized a word document that was on screen. It was a story my dad was writing about something. My dad came in and demanded I get off the computer, but I was in the middle of something unpausable, so I said gimme a sec. He slowly raged until he reached a breaking point. Normally I would leave, but I couldn’t. He then grabbed my chair and tried to pull it out of the way, at which point I told him to get out. I shouldn’t have said that because he was angry already, and it set him off. He shoved me against the wall, screaming something I don’t remember. He then pretty strongly pushed me to the ground. This hasn’t happened in a really long time, and normally after he calms down he’d apologize.
However at that moment my boyfriend had been sprinting over, having seen everything through the window. I was on the floor crying at this point. My dad was still yelling, but a little distance away and not immediately threatening. My boyfriend flew in through the door and punched him straight in the face. I think twice but I’m not sure. I don’t remember exactly all of the events. My father chased him outside yelling get the fuck out etc I’ll call the cops if I ever see you again. At some point I got up and hid in the driveway. My boyfriend was saying okay I’m sorry okay I’m sorry, over and over to my dad while leaving. He found me after a few secs and we got in the car and drove a little ways away. From there he called my dad and said he was so sorry, he just saw him hurting me and freaked out. My dad then said he had woken my mom who had called the cops.
He said he wouldn’t press charges but would if he ever saw him again. The cops came and left, no charges were pressed. We went back to the house, grabbed our things, and left. My boyfriend called his mom who booked us a week at a motel, which is where I am now. My mom called me today, and she thinks that my dad pushed me because I threw him to the ground, which is a lie. She echoes the same thing my dad says, she never wants to see my bf again. She is hanging tuition and my stuff over my head, saying she ‘won’t support a life of delinquency’ and I need to go home and leave him. I just want my life to go back to the way it was, but I’m not going to leave my boyfriend. I don’t know how to get there or what to do. It seems like as of right now I’m a bit homeless. We are going to try and get a place ASAP. We don’t have much money but his saint of a mom is going to try to help us out.
My boyfriend has already tried to apologize and explain. He said it was a reflex to punch anybody that hurt me, even my dad. My dad said that he wasn’t hurting me anymore, so it was an insane overreaction. Bf said he was so sorry he did it, and it’s obvious he means it. He’s cried a lot in the last 24 hours. I don’t know where to go from here.
Thank you to anybody who took the time to read this. My head is so all over the place and it would help if I could read some other perspectives.
 
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hs7mwx/update_my_boyfriend_22m_punched_my_dad_65m/)
Thank you to everyone who responded, it’s somehow really touching to know that people have read about my hard times and tried to help. I decided to update to share the things I did.
We were at the motel for about a week, and in that time I got a couple voicemails from my mom. She said a few things like ‘how could you do this to your father, this is a tough time for us with your uncle dying, why are you doing this?.’ I didn’t answer the voicemails because I was confused and upset. I read what many people said about abuse and I listened to my boyfriend who said he’d never been hurt by his parents etc. and it was hard to figure out where I stood.
I had comments wondering why I defended my parents abuse. Something it might be hard to realize is that to me, these are my parents. These are the people that sent me to summer camp, go out to movies with me, drove me to school, played their music for me on road trips. They pay my car insurance and told me stories when I was little. My dad carried me piggyback whenever I got tired, even when I got big. I am told my childhood was bad, but I still don’t know if I’ll ever fully grasp that. You see the trees I see the forest.
I know that hitting kids is wrong, but I see memes all the time about “la chankla” or “when your dad gets the belt.” I thought there was a scale of acceptable hitting, ranging from ‘that’s not REAL abuse’ to abuse. Sure my parents had crazy overreactions, but I had fair warning. I had a different idea than reddit of what was okay and what wasn’t, and I thought mine was correct and reddit was too idealistic. When I changed my mind and saw reddit’s side, I realized that wonky scale is how people abuse. That’s how there’s a cycle. I thought because it was done to me and I was a normal person with a normal life that it was normal.
I think it was my boyfriend asking me if the police came back, would be okay if he told them the truth. That’s what made it easier for me to realize. My gut reaction was to say no so my dad wouldn’t get in trouble. I would go back and forth thinking reddit was unrealistic, I was fine, but being told my dad was doing something illegal to me made me realize my scale might be wrong.
We eventually had to go back to the house to get more things, and we both spoke to my mom. My boyfriend told her everything that he saw and why he did it, and that he would hope my dad would do the same if the roles were reversed. I spoke to her at a later time and listed everything that they both have done. I told her how I never told anyone, even as a kid, because I knew those things were good enough for CPS to have taken me. She seemed completely shaken when I said that. She cried and told me she was sorry. I felt like a weight had been lifted, but my bf told me not to get my hopes up. Unfortunately it seems like he was right. It’s been a few weeks and she seems to have reverted back to how she felt before. Most likely after talking to my dad, and maybe a few of her friends who are similar. I think she knows it’s wrong, because of how she reacted before. It’s just easier for her to argue with me than to deal with the horrible reality.
My bf and I were able to get a new place with a roommate on the first of the month, which was a huge relief. My dad has been calling and leaving voicemails, acting like nothing ever happened. My parents have chosen not to deal with any of it, but I don’t think they even realize what they’re doing. It makes sense that they would ignore something so heinous and continue on like nothing had happened. It’s how they’ve gotten this far like this I think.
I’m really struggling to feel like a whole person. It feels like I’ve lost my childhood, my family, my history. But I think over time I’ll become a new whole person, and I think it’ll be better.
I hope someone can read this and have the same realization that I did. If someone has hurt you and the only way to keep them close is to pretend like they haven’t, don’t do it. Feel what you feel and let things fall where they will. Also I hope I explained well enough why it can be hard to see something as abuse. Thanks for the helpful responses and for reading | Professional-Deal406 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pan3bw/my_boyfriend_22m_punched_my_dad_65m_in_the_face/ | pan3bw | 10,198 | 1,023 | [
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2021-08-24T17:00:20 | AITA for giving my stepson’s room to my daughter? + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p8gtdx/aita_for_giving_my_stepsons_room_to_my_daughter/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by u/7227throwaway
I’ll try to keep this short...I’ve been married to my wife for over a year now, have a stepson (14m) and a biological daughter (9f). When we married, my wife and I agreed that I would sell my house and move into hers because there’s more living space. Stepson already had his own room, so my daughter got the extra bedroom, which is smaller than his. It was fine at first, but my daughter has a lot of stuff and soon it became too small cramped for her. Stepson also only lives with us part time (5 days with us, 9 days with bio dad) and has a huge room at his dad’s. My daughter lives with us full time so this is her only room.
It seemed to me that the logical thing would be for my daughter to have the larger room since she has more stuff, and spends all of her time here. Wife was hesitant at first and felt like my stepson would be upset and feel like he’s being pushed aside, but I convinced her that my daughter needed the space more so she ultimately agreed. We ended up switching rooms this week, freshly painted them and my wife did some shopping for stepson’s new room so he’d feel special. He came home from his dad’s and we surprised him with his new room. He reacted ok, thanked us for the new stuff and didn’t seem upset at first. But now he’s been moping and has been cold to all of us. Wife is now regretting our choice and upset at me for convincing her that it would be fine.
AITA?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/paq0ny/update_aita_for_giving_my_stepsons_room_to_my/)
It was undoubtedly decided that I was TA and I accept that. Thank you to everyone who gave feedback and advice on how to mend the situation that I created. My wife and I sat down with my stepson and apologized, admitted that we messed up and would do what we can to rectify the mistake. I made sure he was aware that it was my idea so he doesn’t harbor ill feelings toward his mom. We actually found out that he was more upset than he let on and had cried to his bio dad about it. His dad offered to come pick him up and take him back to his house, but stepson declined and wanted to stay with us for the remainder of his visitation, so he seems to be feeling better now.
We’re giving him his room back and my wife and I are moving into the smaller bedroom so both kids are happy. He‘ll be involved in the entire process and is going to be in charge of redecorating according to his liking. They’re already shopping around online and he seems excited. He’s staying with us for a few extra days so we can repaint and make the room switch ASAP. My daughter understands and is perfectly fine with the switch as well.
Obviously there will be no more surprises in the future. We‘ll be discussing every decision with him from now on, and I’ll be stepping back to let my wife make the decisions regarding her son.
To clarify a few things:
The reason my daughter needed more space is because she has more toys and larger items (play kitchen, dollhouses, etc), and not enough floor space to play. Stepson obviously doesn’t play with toys. She also has a larger wardrobe since she‘s here full time. To be fair my daughter never asked for the rooms to be switched, so she’s innocent in this.
My intentions weren’t to hurt my stepson. I was going off of of logic, but realize that I was careless and inconsiderate and have apologized for that. Hindsight is 20/20 and I know now that I was an ass. I do care about him and wouldn’t purposely hurt him, though.
I was not trying to drive a wedge between my wife and her son for those that made those accusations. I was wrong for convincing my wife to go along with this and acted carelessly, but there was no underlying malicious intent and I have no reason to sabotage their relationship.
Thanks again to everyone who gave advice and helped me see things from another point of view. I’ll do better in the future. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pare2v/aita_for_giving_my_stepsons_room_to_my_daughter/ | pare2v | 4,074 | 816 | [
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2021-08-25T08:14:26 | OP wonders why his GF doesn't want to come to his house anymore (Wholesome) | Relationship_Advice | **This is a repost; I am not the Original Poster.**
[Original:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p8px0q/my_17m_girlfriend_16f_wont_come_over_my_house/)
I (17M) have been dating my girlfriend (16F) for about a year. Recently she’s stopped coming over my house even though that’s where we usually used to hang, since I have a den where my family basically leaves us alone, as well as a backyard with a pool and a fire pit. When we go to her house she has four little sisters who drive us insane, she shares a room with two of them so it’s impossible for us to get any alone time, and she lives in an apartment building so there’s no backyard or anything. We’ll make plans to come over and she’ll either say “okay I’ll see you over here” or we meet up somewhere else and then end up going to her house.
I’ve tried to ask her why she all of a sudden doesn’t want to come over and she won’t talk about it and gets really weird. I don’t care about hanging out at her house or anything, I just want to know the reason why because I know there is one and she isn’t telling me. I’ve already asked her a few times and she’s just avoided answering so now I’m looking for a different approach. Thanks everyone.
[Update:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p9e1v1/i_17m_talked_to_my_girlfriend_16f_about_why_she/)
I met up with her yesterday and started off by telling her she could tell me anything, I wouldn’t get mad and I’d trust and believe her no matter what it was. I told her I respected that she didn’t need to tell me anything but I was driving myself crazy with speculation about what it could be so if she could ease my mind I’d appreciate it.
We were over our house and she was like, okay, wait. And she went to talk to one of her sisters which I thought was weird. Then she came back and told me that it wasn’t that she didn’t want to come over my house as much as her sister (11) didn’t want her to leave. Her sister has been dealing with some issues (panic attacks, problems seeping and eating). It probably has to do with her going back to school, starting middle school, etc. Since my girlfriend did most of the raising of her sisters (her parents are awesome just work a lot) her sister feels more comfortable if she’s with her. Her sister is embarrassed about it which is why my gf was hesitant to tell me. She figured if we’re at her house or around town I wouldn’t notice if her sister tagged along. She felt weird asking to bring her sister to my house because she thought that would be overstepping.
It’s not and I told her so, her sister is wild about horses and my mom has one so we made plans for the both of them to come over in a bit. Thanks for all of the advice! | green_pachi | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pb6vq2/op_wonders_why_his_gf_doesnt_want_to_come_to_his/ | pb6vq2 | 2,732 | 3,089 | [
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2021-08-25T13:47:14 | "AITA for donating my daughters college fund instead of giving it to my step daughter to help buy a house?" | null | [removed] | NearbyIssue629 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pbbk9v/aita_for_donating_my_daughters_college_fund/ | pbbk9v | 9 | 124 | [
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2021-08-25T13:57:03 | "AITA for donating my daughters college fund instead of giving it to my step daughter to help buy a house?" | AITA | *This is a repost. The [original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/epmdeh/aita_for_donating_my_daughters_college_fund/) is by /u/rkglsjfj.*
So I have a 16 year old daughter that passed away in a car accident October 19th. I’ve been collecting a college fund for her since she was young, my ex husband and I both put money into it as well as she put some of her paychecks from work into it, and it’s about $25,000 full. I recently got remarried to a man who has a 30 year old daughter. My step daughter doesn’t like me, because I’m only 3 years older than her, my husband is significantly older than I am.
My daughter was very passionate about the environment, and my ex husband and I discussed what we would do with the college fund. My husband says it was my daughter and I can do what I feel is right to honor her.
We decided to divide it and we would each donate to charities we felt would make our daughter proud.
My step daughter however thinks we should split it evenly and she should get some cushion for buying a house, since I’m married to her father and that makes my contribution his money too.
She thinks donating essentially $13000 wouldn’t mean anything to a big charity and I could help someone I know in real life.
My husband has since joined her side and thinks $13000 would help her buy a house and we can honor my daughter in another way.
AITA for not wanting to change my plans?
Edit: there seems to be some confusion and I’m so sorry for wording it poorly
My ex husband and I, and a little bit my daughter are the sole people putting money into the fund. My current husband has not put any money into the fund from his personal finances.
My step daughter and my biological daughter did not have a relationship, as my step daughter is almost twice her age.
I am 33, my husband is 58. We have a joint house account, as well as separate personal funds.
My step daughter has brought this up multiple times, it wasn’t just a suggestion, she constantly brings it up.
My step daughter is also not poor off financially. She can afford a house, she is single, my husband helped her pay off her debt before we got married. She just wants some cushion.
Edit #2: I am dividing the funds with my ex husband, not my husband now. My ex husband gets half to do with as he pleases to honor our daughter. My current husband gets nothing.
---
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f0eqtr/update_aita_for_donating_my_deceased_daughters/)
I’ve gotten messages asking for an update, so I’ll give one.
I left my husband. He told me I couldn’t do what I wanted with the college fund. I took my name off the account so my ex husband was the only owner in the case that my (soon to be ex) husband tried to claim that money in our divorce.
My daughters father and I went for a trip to my daughters favorite town, we went to her favorite spot and spread her ashes.
I’ve been staying with my sister, and looking for apartments to move into.
As far as the fund, we have discussed starting a scholarship, or paying a students tuition. We haven’t decided exactly what to do.
That’s about it. | NearbyIssue629 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pbbqvv/aita_for_donating_my_daughters_college_fund/ | pbbqvv | 3,141 | 1,729 | [
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2021-08-25T23:19:52 | Entitled friends demand OP pay hundreds for their food and Uber ride (r/EntitledPeople) | r/EntitledPeople | *I am not the original poster, this is a repost*
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/pb20yt/my_friends_cant_pay_for_ubers_and_are_pissed_my/)
​
I’m supposed to be going to a concert TOMORROW August 25th, with 3 of my friends. There are 4 bands total. The three of them are flying out here (it’s an hour long flight), and I was supposed to pick them up from the airport, take them to cheap diner, and then to the concert. Well today, my car battery is completely dead and won’t start with a jump, It’s been having other mechanical issues and will be going to the shop tomorrow afternoon. So now my mom will be taking us/picking us up. There is no public transport around here so that’s out, and the Uber’s are ridiculously expensive. Between the 4 of us we don’t have that much money, barely enough for food let alone Uber’s. Those concert tickets were $250 a pop. The concert venue is also two hours away from my house
Their flight gets in tomorrow at 3pm. My mom is picking them up from the airport after work, around 6pm. She works about an hour away from the concert venue. Which they are furious about since the gates open at 4:30pm and we were originally planning on being there by 5. Also, no dinner for them. They will have to either eat before they go to the airport or eat the expensive airport food. We will be at the venue by 7pm. The first band comes on at 6. The one band we all really wanted to see comes on at 9. This concert is supposed to go on until 1am. My mom said we need to be out front in the parking lot, by 10. She refuses to pick us up any later because she has to work the next day. She said if I keep asking, then we can forget about going all together, we’re lucky she’s even considering taking us to begin with. She also said if we aren’t out front by 10pm, then we’re walking back home. She’s not playing any games. I told my friends that we have to leave by 10, and they are pissed. Which is understandable because I’m not happy either. We will only be there from 7pm-10pm, instead of 5pm-1am like originally planned. But it is what it is. I don’t really see the point in going anymore.
Then the next day, they have to sit in the airport for a few hours until their flight leaves because my mom is dropping them off at 7am, since she has to be at work by 8. Their flight out isn’t until 10am.
My friends are pissed, they said since my car broke down, I can pay for their Uber’s. I can’t pay for their Uber’s, and my mom thinks they are being ridiculous. They can either take my moms offer on a ride or they can pay for Uber’s themselves. They said they can’t afford the Uber’s and it’s not fair for them to pay for the Uber’s. They also said since they have to eat airport food, I can also pay for that too. There are food vendors at the venue, or you can eat before you go. You can also eat at my house after the concert, they don’t want to do that. They also don’t want to sit in the airport for hours. I said I am doing the best I can, at this point, if we don’t go then we all eat the cost of the concert tickets and they eat the cost of the flights. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t have that much extra spending money and my mom isn’t paying for Uber’s or anybody’s food.
I suggested we don’t go anymore, because it doesn’t seem like it would be worth it and it’s becoming a PITA. All 3 are having tantrums. They are mad I invited them to go, mad I’m wasting their money, they still want to go but nothing I suggest is good enough, they want me to pay for their food/Uber’s because it’s inconveniencing them. They are calling me a flake, and derogatory names i’d rather not list. Said they were all excited and I got their hopes up for nothing. I should feel really bad for what I did and I ruined their week. Just all this crap. I wasn’t planning on my car breaking down, but it is what it is. I don’t know what else to do at this point. I’m not really happy about wasting $250 on a ticket, if we don’t go.
I mean we can either go and be there from 7pm-10pm or we eat the cost of concert/plane tickets and stay at home.
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/pbb7o1/update_on_concert_i_suggested_we_all_pitch_in_for/)
​
Per several suggestions on my last post - I should ask my friends to pitch in for the Ubers or the cost of a new battery. The cost for a new battery from AAA is about $160 I don’t have $160 to spare on a new battery myself. So I suggested to my 3 friends that we can split the cost, they can each venmo me the money, so we can go to the concert tonight. 160 divided by 4, would be $40 each. My friends said they aren’t going to spend their food money on my car battery and then starve the whole time. They were only planning on bringing $40-50 each for food and that’s it. They said They don’t have anymore money to bring and their parents won’t give them money. They also don’t want to risk getting stuck on the side of the road because my car has mechanical issues. That I need to pay for an Uber to pick them up from the airport and drive them to the concert venue and back to my house after. It’s $136 one way from airport to concert. From the venue to my house it’s $95. They refuse to pay for their own Uber because they can’t afford it and I’m the one inconveniencing them so I should pay.
They are still pretty mad and still calling me every derogatory name under the sun, sending texts in all caps, swearing and all, screaming and hanging up on phone calls when I tried to talk to them over the phone. Because they spent $250 on a single concert ticket (so did I) and $80 each on round trip flights and they think I should pay for their food and Uber’s since our original plans failed. It’s a huge inconvenience to them since they are the ones flying out here. I said if I get a new car battery, then we can go out to a cheap diner and stay at the concert as long as we want. We can stick to our original plans. They don’t want to do that, They said it’s not their car battery so they aren’t willing to help pay for it. It’s my problem to deal with and they’ve already spent enough money. They said if I was a good friend, I would be more than willing to pay for them because I haven’t spent nearly as much as them. I don’t have that much extra spending money myself right now. So if they don’t want to do that, then my mom can drive us like suggested in my last post, or we don’t go at all. uber is out of the question it’s too expensive and we can’t afford it.
My mom is already at work right now so her renting a car is out of the question. I asked before she left and she said she’s not going through all that just so we can go to a stupid concert. We can take her offer or not go at all.
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/pbg6ah/3rd_update_i_told_my_ex_friends_off_and_blocked/)
I sent those 3 girls (we are all girls idk why people think we’re guys lol) but I sent them the same message before I blocked them I said -
I don’t appreciate being called every name under the sun because my car broke down. You don’t think I’m pissed about this either? I tried being accommodating considering this is so last minute and nothing I suggested was good enough for any of you. So guess what, I’m done. Fuck it, I’m no longer interested in going. If you 3 still want to fly out here, then you can have fun finding your own rides. It is no longer my problem. I don’t care if you think I’m being a bitch, I think you’re all being selfish and immature as fuck. You showed me your true colors and now I’m gonna show you mine.
And then I blocked them on social media and blocked their numbers. I am so irritated with them right now. I know what was said was bitchy, but I am so over this whole situation. I am beyond annoyed right now.
Also, there are so many tickets up for resale right now, I did list mine, but there’s no bites. So I might just have to eat the $250. Which, I’m not happy about but it is what it is. I don’t think I would have fun going to the concert by myself, if I did go I would only be there for 3 hours anyways because my mom would still have to drop me off/pick me up. It’s just not worth it to me. I am upset plans fell through and I don’t get to see the concert but this isn’t the last time these bands will be touring either. Shit happens unfortunately
My mom is willing to pay for a new car battery, but she wants to be home when AAA is here. She wants to deal with them. So I won’t be getting a new battery today.
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/pbrjm4/i_got_sent_a_bunch_of_videos_from_a_random_number/?utm_source=FuckOff&utm_medium=FuckOff&utm_name=FuckOff)
I got sent a bunch of videos and pictures from a random number, of all the bands, along with selfies of all 3 of them at the concert and pictures of them eating filet mignon at some upscale restaurant. Funny how earlier today, none of them had more than $40 to pitch in, it appears they have way more than what they each told me by the videos and pictures I was sent. They somehow managed to make it from the airport to the concert, and it appears they also have a hotel room. It’s just the 3 of them. Funny how they didn’t like any of my previous suggestions of how to get to the concert, it wasn’t good enough. I was expected to pay for their Uber’s and food because I was inconveniencing them because my car battery died and is having mechanical issues. So I told them off and blocked them. (Update 3, post 3)
I decided to stay home because I don’t have a running car and didn’t want to go to the concert by myself. My mom also didn’t want to drop me off by myself, she didn’t think it was safe. I wasn’t able to sell the $250 ticket either, I lowered the price to $150 but still no bite. So I ate the cost of that. It’s now 9:45pm, the concert is still going on as I type this, but I’ve been at home and just got sent texts from a random number with all that. Spam texts. Whoever is behind that also told me to go fuck myself, I’m the worst friend on the planet, they are having a way better time without my cheap ass, I don’t deserve any friends after how I treated them, amongst other insults. I didn’t respond back, I just blocked the number. But yeah, I’m pretty irritated right now. It is what it is, I’m definitely not happy, but I don’t even know what to say anymore | TheLadyLavender | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pbn1fc/entitled_friends_demand_op_pay_hundreds_for_their/ | pbn1fc | 10,976 | 835 | [
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2021-08-26T18:29:09 | OP ( 25F) came across a gender dysphoria test my boyfriend (26M) took. ( wholesome ending) | null | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pc5ghi/op_25f_came_across_a_gender_dysphoria_test_my/ | pc5ghi | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-08-27T06:07:00 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pchhas/deleted_by_user/ | pchhas | 9 | 783 | [
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2021-08-27T06:39:16 | Girlfriend finds boyfriend's gender dysphoria quiz results on his computer | Relationship_Advice | Original post by [u/ThrowRapanic557](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRapanic557/) :
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/p4oa8c/i\_25f\_came\_across\_a\_gender\_dysphoria\_test\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p4oa8c/i_25f_came_across_a_gender_dysphoria_test_my/)
I ( 25F) came across a gender dysphoria test my boyfriend (26M) took. How do I deal with this?
we have been dating for three years. My laptop had gone through with a forced update from windows and I borrowed his laptop. It was the first tab open on chrome. He scored 67% on that website's scale. I looked up the website and it looked pretty legit.
I don't know what to do here. I want to support him. He has been a bit distant for the last month. I had chalked it up to work stress. He must probably really stressed out right now. I have been thinking about it and it is fine with me if he wants to transition.
am bi but I have never come out to anyone. Should I tell him? Is it something that could help him or will it be another thing that he has to think about? I am freaking out here.
TLDR : my boyfriend took a gender dysphoria test and he score pretty high. I am bi and I think coming out will help him feel more comfortable with talking to me about it.
Update: [reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/pc08nu/i\_25f\_came\_across\_a\_gender\_dysphoria\_test\_my/](https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pc08nu/i_25f_came_across_a_gender_dysphoria_test_my/)
I came out! She came out. I have a girlfriend.
Thank for the valuable comments that helped me give her the space she needed to process it and come out.
TLDR : just two sentences. | shade_ghost | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pchxzm/girlfriend_finds_boyfriends_gender_dysphoria_quiz/ | pchxzm | 1,680 | 810 | [
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2021-08-27T12:37:22 | "AITA for wearing a nice watch to meet my girlfriend's parents?" | AITA | [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pcbl9p/aita_for_wearing_a_nice_watch_to_meet_my/) by u/throwawayaitawatches
It sounds bad I know...
I am a 28M and my girlfriend is 26F. We've been together for about 6 months and I have loved every minute of it. This incident happened yesterday. I have a passion for watches and I consider myself a collector.
For context, I come from a wealthy background and through that I was able to create a business with a friend after college. Things have really popped for us over the last 3 years through a combination of hard work (over 100 hours/week for the first 2 years) and luck. As of right now my partner and I both stand to each make about 8 figures this year.
I'm doing well but I also prefer to save rather than spend if I can. I was always taught the age old cliché that "money talks but wealth whispers." I live in a nice, but relatively modest house in a great family neighborhood, it feels like home to me so it's all I really need. The only things that I really put money into are my passions: watches, golf, and music gear.
So she and I were getting ready to go meet her parents who are from out of state on their way to their vacation. This was the first time I met them so I was a little nervous. My girlfriend works as a trainer and comes from a solid middle-class family. She said her dad is a very hard worker but he could sometimes be a bit tough with new guys.
So we get ready to go meet them at the restaurant, which was a perfectly nice place by the beach, and I threw on a pair of nice shorts and a polo along with my daily watch, which is a Rolex Batman GMT that I've had for 4 years. Putting it on is habitual. I don't really think about it.
When we got to the restaurant we exchanged greetings and got to our table. Everything was going good. Halfway through her dad glances down at my wrist and asks to see the watch I had. I took it off and handed it to him and he looked at it for a second and just goes "Do you expect me to be impressed by this?"
I asked him what he meant and he just says "This stuff may be impressive to 'your people' but my daughter isn't some trophy for you to flaunt! I'm not going to let my daughter get close to you just for you to get tired of her and leave her heart-broken. I know your kind."
I had more than enough. I told him he knows nothing about me or my character we left the restaurant.
I got pretty worked up on the drive home. She kept telling me that it wasn't my fault and she's never seen him act like that before but then she said "I guess you can't wear a watch around him."
That got me thinking. Was I the asshole here? Should I have not worn the watch since it was a first meeting? Was I wrong for getting up and leaving? I know I wasn't trying to prove anything to the guy, I was just wearing something that I always do. But then I start thinking that I must've not read the room properly. I feel terrible about what happened.
Tl;dr: Wore a nice watch to meet the girlfriend's parents and her father used it as a means to make assumptions about my character.
[Update in comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pcbl9p/aita_for_wearing_a_nice_watch_to_meet_my/hai93kr/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
UPDATE: Alright, so this was actually a pretty quick turnaround. So the girlfriend just got to my house from work and she was already on the phone with her parents on the drive talking about last night. She came inside and put him on speaker and he apologized to both for everything that happened last night. He told me that when he was younger his sister dated and very much loved a pretty wealthy guy. Apparently this guy cheated on his sister (they're very close) constantly and was incredibly emotionally abusive. Basically, he said he knew about my background and was okay with it but when he saw the watch it reminded him of that guy and all of the bad memories and he just lost it. He said he's willing to give this another try if I am because he said he saw how happy his daughter was before it all went sideways. I accepted his apology and agreed that we'll give it another go and they'll stop and visit us on their return trip. He seemed pretty sincere and remorseful. I also apologized and told him I should've read the room better but he brushed that off and told me not to worry. Honestly, I couldn't be more relieved because I really do care about this person and I want everything to be as happy as possible. I appreciate all of the feedback and even the criticism there's a lot I can learn from this. Thanks all! | yuki_n_ | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pcmhn5/aita_for_wearing_a_nice_watch_to_meet_my/ | pcmhn5 | 4,678 | 820 | [
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2021-08-27T21:38:57 | My wife and her best friend accused me of having an affair, then got angry when I didn't have one + UPDATE | Relationship_Advice | I can see this situation escalating even further in the future.
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pa68y8/my_wife_and_her_best_friend_accused_me_of_having/) by u/ThrowRAcrib
I (31M) and my wife (29F) had a baby last December. It was a traumatic birth and my wife developed postpartum depression. While she was originally going to go back to work after the birth, she's been struggling enough that we decided to wait until our daughter was a year old and reassess. She has been going to therapy weekly. With my wife home full time, I've had to work increased hours. This is something we discussed prior to making this decision and she knew this from the start.
A few weeks ago, my boss approached me about a project that would require a lot of overtime in a short amount of time. It would both be great financially and for my career. I talked to my wife about it and she agreed that I should say yes to my boss. For the four weeks I'd be working on this, my MIL and her best friend, Jessie (29F, name changed) would come help out with some of the duties that I typically do.
Jessie is a SAHM with a four year-old and a two year-old. She began coming over during the day and would watch the kids with my wife.
Three weeks into the project, it became clear that we'd need a few more weeks to get it together. I went home that night and talked to my wife about it. She said she was okay with it, but got very cold in the days after. It wasn't unusual behavior over the past few months, so I didn't think much about it and tried not to take it personally.
During the last week of the project, I got home one night and saw that Jessie was still at the house. I didn't think much about it, said hi to her and my wife, and then went to go check on our daughter. Before I could get to her room, I heard Jessie say something along the lines of, "He doesn't even stop to greet you. Definitely a sign."
I turned around and asked what it was a sign of. Immediately, my wife started crying and Jessie started accusing me of having an affair. She told me that I must hate my wife because she has PPD and am not attracted to her because she gained weight from the pregnancy. Neither of these things are true. I'm trying my best to help my wife through her PPD while supporting our family. And I think she looks great how she is right now, she just hasn't wanted to have sex and I haven't pushed.
Jessie then demanded to see my phone. I told her no. She told me that's a sign that I'm guilty. I told my wife that I would let her see my phone if she wanted to. She nodded and something inside me broke. I guess it was the thought that she actually believed I was having an affair really got to me. And that she didn't trust me after everything we've been through.
Well, she looked through the phone and there was no evidence. Jessie started saying that I deleted the evidence. She started screaming and woke up our daughter, so I told her to get out of the house. Eventually, she left and I went to calm our daughter since my wife was still on the couch crying.
When my daughter was asleep again, I sat down by my wife and tried to talk to her about what's been happening. She told me that she's been worried ever since I started working all the overtime. I told her that we'd talked about how good of an opportunity it was and she agreed to letting me take on this project. She said it was very suspicious to increase the length of the project. I told her that sometimes that happens. She wanted more evidence, so I showed her messages and emails with timestamps from work and paystubs showing the OT. She said she believed me and was sorry for doubting me, it was just that Jessie had been telling her that these were all signs that I was cheating. I asked her why she believed Jessie more than me, and why she didn't come to me with her concerns. She didn't have a real answer.
It's been a couple weeks and the project is over. I actually scaled back and am trying to work a little less than I was before the project so I can spend more time with my wife and daughter. But I feel so burnt out trying to do everything and becoming resentful because in the back of my mind, I know that my wife doesn't trust me. I ask myself, what happens the next time I have a project? Or I have to run errands one day? Or if I have a business trip? Am I going to come back every time to accusations that I'm cheating?
I've tried bringing it up a couple times but my wife tells me it's not the time and that she's tired or sad. I try to be mindful of her feelings but I wonder if that means that I can never have any of my own.
I'm not sure what to do here. Any advice for how I can move forward?
[UPDATE 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pcu6sk/update_my_wife_and_her_best_friend_accused_me_of/)
Thank you to everyone for all of the advice and support on my previous post. I think a lot of you pointed out what should have been obvious, that I need to get a therapist and start looking after my own mental health. A couple people asked for an update, so I'm giving one, but it's not happy.
That night I approached my wife and told her that I was going to find a therapist. I didn't connect it to her accusations or anything, just said that I was having a tough time and needed therapy. She shrugged and told me to do whatever.
Next day, I got home from work and our room and my home office were ripped apart. Things everywhere. Important papers scattered. I don't see her but our daughter's in her room crying... My wife left her alone, her cell phone's off. I call my in-laws and a few friends, but no one's seen her. I'm starting to get worried and I call my mom to see if she can babysit while I go out and look for her.
Before my mom can get home, my wife gets back -- Jessie's driving. Jessie doesn't come in (she hasn't been back in the house since I kicked her out because she was "offended" by my behavior) but my wife does. She's clearly upset, been crying. I ask what happened. I thought at first the house might have been robbed. She starts screaming at me that I'm being unfaithful and that the therapy is a front so I can meet my mistress. I try to calm her down and tell her that's not true, but she came at me and she hit me. My nose is broken.
She kind of realized what she did and sat down on the couch and went comatose, just stared at the wall. I went into my daughter's room and locked the door. Called my mom to tell her what happened (she was already on her way) and my MIL to ask her to come over and take care of my wife. I packed a bag for my daughter and when my mom got there, we left. My wife didn't even look up. We dropped my daughter off with my dad and then went to urgent care for my nose. I got blood all over my mom's new Subaru.
My daughter and I are staying with my parents for a while and my wife's staying with hers. I am looking into getting a restraining order against Jessie.
My wife and I are separating. I love her but I won't live with someone who hurts me and who could potentially hurt our daughter. I am not going forward with a divorce yet, with the hopes that my wife will get the treatment she needs and we can work things out. My in-laws told me that they're looking at in-patient treatment at a local hospital. But I also have everything well documented in case of an eventual custody battle.
My heart's broken because I know this isn't my wife, this is a sickness in her mind. But I need to keep myself and our daughter safe and give her the space to recover. I'm hoping that this is the right decision.
Thanks again everyone.
Edit: Thank you all for your feedback. I've talked to my parents after reading your comments and came to the conclusion that for my daughter's protection, I need to file a police report. I am headed to the station now.
[UPDATE 2: Do I let the woman I fault with my wife's death let her speak at her funeral?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pfumfn/do_i_let_the_woman_i_fault_with_my_wifes_death/)
TL;DR: A woman fed lies to my wife, suffering from postpartum depression, that led to a mental breakdown and her death. She now wants to speak at my wife's funeral. Denying her would start trouble, which I'm not sure would be worth it.
There's more context for this situation in my post history.
My wife passed on early Monday morning. Convinced by her friend Jessie that I was having an affair that I did not have, she had a mental break, which resulted in my taking our infant daughter and staying with my parents for a while. She was with her parents, who planned on taking her to the hospital for in-patient treatment on Monday.
On Sunday night she came to my parents' house and demanded I give her our daughter. Because she had left her alone for several hours the last time she was responsible for her and had gotten physical with me, I refused. I offered to let her come in and spend time with her while my parents and I were present, but she didn't want to come in and wanted to take our daughter with her. She was upset but left eventually. A few hours later, she drove her parents' car into a tree and died.
The friend, Jessie, came to see my daughter and me yesterday. After some tears, she told me that she was planning to speak at my wife's funeral. She had already cleared it with my in-laws but was letting me know as a courtesy. I told her she would not be speaking at the funeral. We fought and she left after telling me that I was an asshole and not the only person who loved my wife.
I talked to my in-laws who are adamant that Jessie be allowed to speak. She and my wife knew each other since they were kids and my in-laws are close to her. We're all very fragile right now and I fear that pushing this further would hurt my relationship with my in-laws, which I don't want. Still, the thought of seeing Jessie up there at my wife's funeral makes me feel sick. I don't think I can stand to listen to her, knowing that she took joy in my wife's deteriorating mental health and picked up my wife, leaving my daughter home alone.
That being said, I don't trust myself to make the best decisions right now. My mind's clouded by grief, guilt, and fear. My parents are split on what to do and I don't have the energy to reach out to my friends. So I'm coming here again to ask for your advice.
Thank you. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pcwqt9/my_wife_and_her_best_friend_accused_me_of_having/ | pcwqt9 | 10,377 | 3,962 | [
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2021-08-28T04:15:39 | I ( 25F) came across a gender dysphoria test my boyfriend (26M) took. How do I deal with this? [wholesome update] | Relationship_Advice | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pd31wc/i_25f_came_across_a_gender_dysphoria_test_my/ | pd31wc | 9 | 0 | [
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2021-08-28T14:52:20 | Redditor learns to never trust r/LegalAdviceUK | r/LegalAdviceUK | Original posts by u/MyMoneyOurMoney
[Posted to r/LegalAdviceUK](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/omm8f1/person_used_shared_account_to_buy_lottery_tickets/)
# Person used shared account to buy lottery tickets and they've now won big. Can I see any of the money?
Background: I (22M) live in a house share with 3 other people (Mark 25M, Luke 22M and Abbie 22F). Every Saturday, one of us uses the shared account we have together to buy some lottery tickets and scratch cards. Usually, we open them all together and just have a fun time with them. We all live in England.
This Saturday, Me Mark and Luke decide to go have a night out as boys. Abbie is cool with it and says "Sure but im keeping the tradition. I'll buy you all some and open mine with my girlfriend" Fair enough everyone thinks. So we go out for the night.
Sunday comes around and Abbie is suddenly acting very distant from us. We try talking to her wondering if we did something stupid while drunk but she isn't speaking. A bit hurt as we have been all together and become good buds after a few months, we just decide to drop it.
Over the next week Abbie draws more and more distant from all of us. Staying with her girlfriend more, not coming home for ages. It's odd.
I bump into her girlfriend 2 weeks after she started acting weird. We know each other through her and we just make some small talk until she says "What are you gonna do with your 60 odd grand?" I'm just a little shocked and asked her what she meant. She said the Abbie won £250k on the scratch card and assumed we all knew. I decided to play it off like "Yeah haha I just don't want people to know ok?" and not tell her that I had no clue what she was on about.
I checked the shared account later on and did see the cash go out of the account for the assumed lottery tickets.
I'm looking for the next step now basically. I haven't spoken or confronted anyone about it yet. Can we claim part of the money? Is it ours? Does it go to the shared account or is she free to run off with it?
Cheers.
...[Posted to r/tifu one month later](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/pd86vh/tifu_winning_the_lottery_losing_from_friends_and/) (edited for typos)
# TIFU: "Winning" the lottery, losing from friends and ending up worse off
Hey reddit, I didn't think I'll be seeing you here.
I want to bring people up to date first. I made this account to find legal advice over a situation I had about lottery winnings.
Me (22M) and 3 of my friends who I lived with Mark (25M) Luke (22M, now 23) and Abbie (22F) used to all buy tickets using our shared account of money and just chill to pass the time and gamble a little bit. It was a nice way to spend lockdown together and became a little bit of a tradition.
Luke, Mark and I decided to go out one night which Abbie decide to stay over with her girlfriend. The next day she became super distant from all of us which drew my suspicion.
These suspicions were right when Abbie's girlfriend asked me what I'd do with my winnings.
That's when I posted on reddit for legal advice. The response was quite overwhelming at first. I posted it and expected a couple of responses after an hour but I came back with more than I bargained for. All of them seemed to be supportive of me getting legal advice and to take action on Abbie. So I started a plan in my head.
I confronted Mark and Luke about my plan. Luke seemed excited and appeared to have the same concerns that I have. Mark didn't want to be part of it for some reason, denying it and that we should just trust her. I mentioned that I might seek out legal advice to them to but I fully intended to confront Abbie about it.
So I did.
When we were all around dinner one day, I asked her what was up and if she won anything big that day. She seemed to bat it off at first but I then stupidly named dropped her girlfriend. I don't think ballistic is a strong enough word to describe what happened afterwards.
Name calling, things chucked, fork in the wall, it felt ages at the time but looking back everything happened in a split second. I shouted out I am going to get a lawyer before she left.
About an hour later she came back and collected some essentials and left. This was the last time I saw her.
I spoke to Luke and Mark some more after that and then went with Luke to talk to a proper, good lawyer about it. They are expensive.
3 days later all hell breaks loose.
Landlord wants us gone from the house in a month, citing disruptive behaviour and damages. Our explaining to him is futile, he wants us gone. I start looking for options for us 3 to move to when Mark breaks down.
He confronted Abbie the day after she became distant with his concerns about the winnings. She admitted the truth and gave him £80k to be quiet about it.
After some more arguments, Mark leaves for good. Down 2 people who I thought were friends.
Lawyer calls back and asks us to come in. States we have little to no case about the situation, he thinks out time is going to be wasted and its better to not pursue. Stupidly, we disagree. This lawyer must suck, reddit thinks we have a good chance, lets go to another one! Nope. Says the same thing, down even more money.
We both get kicked out the house by the Landlord, I can't support living by myself and I can't find a home that'll take me. I ended up selling a couple things to be able to stay in a hotel for a bit before I go couch hopping between my family and some friends.
Writing this on the long train back home. I just wish things panned out better. Makes me think, if I didn't go out that evening I'd be living in it. Now I'm back to what I was when I was 19. It's reminded me never to trust the internet.
TL;DR - Friend won lottery and I assumed she'd share. Didn't lost a lot of money and a friend group along the way | burned_artichoke | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pdb6fs/redditor_learns_to_never_trust_rlegaladviceuk/ | pdb6fs | 5,825 | 492 | [
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2021-08-28T19:11:11 | AITA for taking away my late daughter's clothes from my step daughter? + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pbsy3m/aita_for_taking_away_my_late_daughters_clothes) by u/EstablishmentFew5165
My daughter passed away 6 month ago. It has been devastating for my family. We all have taken it hard. we have all avoided her room all summer. I am finally in a place to clean her room and give away most of her things.
I was talking to my step daughter about it and she wants them. She even went into her room and picked up some of her clothes. She has been wearing some off those clothes around the house. I hate it. I see her walking across the room and expect it to my daughter. It makes me tear up a little and sends me to very bad place. She has been wearing my daughter's clothes for a whole fucking week. I can't take it anymore.
I have gently asked her not to do it but she still does it. She had done her laundry and kept the clothes lying around near the machine. I took my daughter's stuff and kept them away in my room. She noticed it and she screamed at me. She demanded that she wanted them and that she needs them. She was close to tears as well. I refused and she is not talking to me.
I feel like an asshole because I think I have hurt her. I don't know why she wants those clothes but I feel like I didn't communicate this well.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pdcx6a/update_aita_for_taking_away_my_late_daughters/)
The thread was hard to get through. I cried many times reading it. I have been a bad mother to my step daughter. I have been so lost in grief that I didn't deal with this properly.
I asked her why she wanted the clothes? she pretended she wanted them because they were pretty but I explained that whenever I saw with those clothes on it, I thought for a second that it was my daughter.
She started to cry and she apologized for doing it. She said it made her feel like she was hugging her sister. we talked about it and we are going to make a memory blanket with some of her clothes. It is going to difficult but I think it would be good for us.
I talked to my husband about going to family counselling. All three of us are pretending that we were doing fine because we don't want to pile on and we tried to hide how close to falling apart all of us are.
Thank you for all the comments, I read them all. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pdfwlc/aita_for_taking_away_my_late_daughters_clothes/ | pdfwlc | 2,315 | 1,356 | [
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2021-08-28T21:12:13 | /r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix helps a lost Redditor who believes they are in the "wrong dimension" | r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix | This is a REPOST. Original posts by /u/applebreadsticks to /r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix.
This is 1-3 years old, but nothing came up when I searched so hopefully I'm not reposting! Also I'm sorry in advance for not using the flair correctly, I can't figure out how to edit it.
edit: TW for mention of suicide
**[12/2017: This is not my dimension, and I'm afraid I'm asleep.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/comments/7hhfna/this_is_not_my_dimension_and_im_afraid_im_asleep/)**
First of all, I have no idea of how reddit works. I'm only writing this here because this is the only decent platform where my friends and family aren't registered or have the opportunity to track me down. I'll also be posting this in several different subreddits (hope I'm not misusing the word), since I'm at a loss and I'm looking for any kind of help or reassurance I can possibly get.
Let's get to it. Something is off.
I feel utterly and completely disconnected from my surroundings and my body and mind. I feel as if I'm merely a passenger in someone else's life, it's like an endless dream. I wake up in the morning with the exact same feeling in my body as when I went to sleep (aka I don't ever wake up and feel new and fresh or even tired, I simply open my eyes and go). This has caused my life to turn into a grey haze I can't seem to escape. I've had several encounters where I've accidentally looked twice at a piece of furniture or the like, and something is suddenly off. It just looks... wrong. Sometimes the edges of random objects turn fussy or blurry, and I can blink and rub my eyes all I want, but it doesn't go away. Whenever anyone interacts with me it feels like my body goes on autopilot and I don't have a say in what I do or say, and it's driving me insane. It's like I'm sharing my body with someone else.
Before anyone asks, I have worked with several psychiatrists, therapists and doctors since I was very young. I have dealt with depression in the past, but I've recovered. I haven't ever been diagnosed with any kind of dissociative disorder or the like, and none of the professionals I've spoken to seemed to know what's wrong with me.
Everything is faded and dull. Colours aren't as bright or strong, any kind of noise sounds far away, and it's getting harder for me to even feel my clothing touching my skin. And it's getting worse.
Am I dead? Am I dreaming? Has my life become like one of those experiences where I get knocked out and I'm laying on the pavement somewhere in reality I'm living an entire life inside my head?
Please help. The only solution to this seems to be suicide, but I don't want to die. I want to live, but I want it to be real.
Please help.
♡
Update/edit: Thank you all so much for all of the postive responses I've gotten. As some of you may have figured out, I was completely freaked out when I wrote this, and in a very bad state of mind. I found great comfort in a lot of your comments. At this point I had completely given up on the mental healthcare system, since I've been told for so long that nothing was wrong with me. So having so many people reassuring me that this is 100% a mental thing and that my doctors has seemed to neglect me all this time is such a weight off of my shoulders. Thank you all so much for not taking this post as some sort of joke or the like. I've made an appointment with a new doctor who sounded very interested in getting me some proper help from people who specifies in dissociation/derealisation/depersonalisation. Thank you all, merry Christmas.
**[UPDATE 9/2020: I believe this subreddit may have saved my life](https://www.reddit.com/r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/comments/izkey0/i_believe_this_subreddit_may_have_saved_my_life/)**
Hi. I'm not sure if this type of post is allowed on this subreddit, but I'm deleting my account and I figured I'd revisit the community that brought me to reddit in the first place and leave a thanks.
Two years ago, I made a post to this sub in complete distress, 100% convinced that I was either dreaming, in a coma, dead, or somehow misplaced in the wrong dimension. After various failed attempts at reaching out for professional help, I was in a panicked frenzy thinking that I'd have to kill myself inception-style or just had to accept that I'd never know what my real life was like - aka a fuckass situation with no possible positive outcome.
Besides the few people who accused me of having this sub confused with r/nosleep, and the ones who had a laugh about telling me that I was right and there was no way out and my life was a simulation (thanks, ya nonce), I was floored by how many supportive and comforting responses I received. I had heard the terms dissociation and derealisation/depersonalisation before, but never really understood what they meant. A short time after posting I contacted my doctor with these specific terms, and instead of writing it off as hormone-driven, teenaged female hysteria as so many others had done, she referred me to a psychiatrist who knew his shit and was able to give me the care I needed.
About a month ago him and I agreed that I now have the ability to handle things on my own, and we ended the procedure - and honestly, I can't recall any other time of my life where my mind has felt this peaceful. Although I still get triggered by things sometimes that can freak me out (which is the reason I stopped visiting this forum, despite my interest), I no longer have any doubt about mine or others' existence, and I don't self harm or have suicidal thoughts.
Creating a user and making that post here led me to breaking the bad coping mechanisms and terrible habits I've settled for since I was very young, and therefore I owe the very kind people of this sub a huge giftbasket with bread and cheese and wine and a big ol' fancy bow.
Thank you for saving my life.
——————————————————————————
Edit: Thank you guys so, so much for the positive feedback (and the awards, i've never gotten that many before!), it's been really overwhelming. I've barely responded to anyone, but I read every single comment and I appreciate you all to the moon and back. Per popular request I've decided to leave my account up with the two posts intact, as some have found them inspiring and comforting, and I can only say that I'm so happy that my experience is able to bring any sort of positivity to you guys. I don't know what else to say besides thank you and goodbye. ❤️ | dreamfall17 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pdi25a/rglitch_in_the_matrix_helps_a_lost_redditor_who/ | pdi25a | 6,439 | 652 | [
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2021-08-29T06:13:39 | After being asked to pet sit, OP finds cat in poor condition & takes them to kennel | AITA | *This is a repost, I am not OP*
​
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pbsd30/aita_i_took_my_friends_cats_to_a_boarding_kennel/)
I don't like animals. I know that probably makes me an arsehole in many people's eyes, but I just don't. I particularly don't like domestic cats, especially if they're allowed to roam around outside. That said, animals are living things and I wouldn't deliberately harm one. My friend group knows my stance.
I've been asked to animal sit in emergencies before and have been happy to do it to help people out of a tight spot. I do the best I can with limited knowledge. It's always been for a day or two at most.
Last week I got a phone call from a friend asking me to mind her cat for a day or two as she had something she needed to do urgently. I agreed and went over to her house after work to do cat things.
The litter tray was full. There was cat poo on the floor. There was no food in the house and no water in the bowl. The stench as I entered made me retch.
I looked around and couldn't find anything cat related, so I called my friend. She said she hadn't had time to buy anything and could I go to the shops. I asked her when she would be back. She hedged around it a bit and finally told me she was camping with her boyfriend and wouldn't be back for at least two weeks. I gave it some water and defrosted some mince I found in the freezer so it wouldn't starve.
I told her that I wouldn't look after her cat for that long. She said there was no one else. So I did some research, found a reputable boarding kennel and sent her the details. It was $37 a day. I had her send me her credit card details and dropped the cat off the next morning. She came back two days later and was angry with me because I could have done this one thing for her and she had to cut her trip short because she didn't have the money to pay the boarding fees.
I told her I would never have agreed to mind her cat in the first place, and I thought the conditions she left it in were disgraceful.
She snapped that I had no idea what I was talking about because my heart was black and empty because I don't like animals. I laughed and told her a truly evil person would have dumped her cat at the pound.
Our friend group is divided. The cat lovers don't understand how I wouldn't want this opportunity. Others think I was completely in the right.
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pdo5ou/update_aita_i_took_my_friends_cat_to_a_boarding/)
​
Hello redditors.
So. In short, the cat will be going to a new home.
When I dropped it off, the kennel said it was in very poor condition. I told them what I'd found and they apparently contacted the RSPCA. After all your helpful comments, I did too. I didn't take any photos but because there had already been a report, they sent someone around to have a look. I don't know exactly what happened but the cat has been removed. Apparently it's a pure bred rag doll. It needs some vet work and some time to rebuild condition but it should have no trouble being adopted.
I had to give a statement about what I found.
My friend group was angry with me at first until I gave my side of the story. Apparently she'd been gone THREE DAYS before she called me. She was telling everyone I promised to look after the cat and didn't go round. I looked through my call register and emails and there was nothing from her at all. So, now she's not or friend anyhow and the cat lovers think I did the right thing. Several of them tried to convince me to take the cat, but I opted not to. I've seen what happens to animals that aren't cared for properly. No way an I ever going to be that person.
Thank you for your advice and comments. I'm going to set very strict boundaries for any future pet | TheLadyLavender | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pdq134/after_being_asked_to_pet_sit_op_finds_cat_in_poor/ | pdq134 | 4,007 | 1,146 | [
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2021-08-30T15:39:57 | My best friend gave up a full-ride scholarship to be with her boyfriend of 3 months | Relationships | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/7awaf0/my_best_friend_22f_is_giving_up_a_fullride/) *is by* [u/terribleterriblewedd](https://www.reddit.com/user/terribleterriblewedd/)
Throwaway for anonymity reasons. My best friend has a full-ride scholarship (tuition, rent, books) from our university. She is a very book smart girl and has been on the Dean's List almost every semester. This is our third year of college.
The issue is that she is a gullible person. Even though she is book smart, she will get caught up in things like multi-level marketing schemes. She will date older men who take advantage of her. Many things like that.
While she was home over the summer, she and her old high school crush \[20M\] started hanging out. At the end of the summer, he "officially asked her to be his girlfriend." I like the guy and think he is better for her than her past flings, but they are getting very serious very fast. Last month, she told me she was thinking about transferring to his university. I told her that was ridiculous as she would give up her scholarship and have to take out loans. Turns out she applied to transfer anyway. Today she got her acceptance notice and couldn't be more excited.
I've already told her this is a bad idea. But she is so gullible. And her mother is the same way. Her mom thinks this is true love: two small town lovebirds crossing paths again. My roommate keeps saying that this is just like her parents' romance, and she needs to give this relationship everything. (Oh, her parents are divorced, by the way.)
Is there anything I can say or do to help her reconsider? I already voiced my opinion once, and it didn't do anything.
**tl;dr**: My best friend might give up her full scholarship to transfer to her boyfriend's school. She is a gullible person and they have only been together for 3 months, if even that.
​
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/lq5de8/update_my_best_friend_22f_is_giving_up_a_fullride/)
Just found this throwaway account and thought I should give an update! My friend and I are now 25, and we’re still close. She did transfer schools and lose her scholarship. She also graduated late because of the transfer. In all, it cost her more than $30k in student loans, which she regrets.
Things did not work out between her and her boyfriend. He really wanted to live a party boy lifestyle with her at home to cook and clean up after him. They broke up one year after she transferred. She still had a semester left, which was really difficult and lonely because she had no friends aside from him and his social circle.
After graduation, she got a job as a teacher in her hometown. So she does have a way to pay back the loans! She’s pretty happy. She’s now engaged to a different guy she started dating \~2 years ago. They got together right after she moved home. Yes, it’s fast, but they live together with no issues. They aren’t going to start planning a wedding until COVID eases up. She’s less gullible now and more skeptical of her mom’s advice. Her experience really opened her eyes to the consequences of her choices.
TL;DR My friend learned an expensive lesson, but her life turned out okay. She ended up where she probably would have if she didn’t transfer, but $30k in a hole. She’ll be the first to tell you to prioritize your future over a short-term relationship! | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pekl2v/my_best_friend_gave_up_a_fullride_scholarship_to/ | pekl2v | 3,433 | 1,215 | [
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2021-08-30T17:54:53 | Did that guy ever find his wallet?? He had cameras in his living room and swore it was on his fireplace mantle with keys & phone. I'm still worried & wondering...... | null | [removed] | ibutterflyaway | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/penc45/did_that_guy_ever_find_his_wallet_he_had_cameras/ | penc45 | 9 | 0 | [
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2021-08-30T20:05:59 | Very clingy and overbearing coworker buys OP a cheap and tacky wedding dress that OP never asked get to buy, and expects her to wear it at her upcoming wedding. (r/weddingdrama) | null | [removed] | bramptonsouthexposed | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pepzp7/very_clingy_and_overbearing_coworker_buys_op_a/ | pepzp7 | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-08-30T20:59:11 | [Ask A Manager] My employee gave me an “it’s her or me” ultimatum | AskAManager | **[Original post](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/my-employee-gave-me-an-its-her-or-me-ultimatum.html)**
*A reader writes:*
I own and run a small store. Some of it is online and I have a remote employee to handle administration, IT, and our books, and I recently hired three people for our warehouse when I used to just use a shipping company.
“Miranda” has been my remote employee on the other side of the state, about three hours away. She’s been with me forever (almost four years) and I’ve never noticed how bad a job she does until my new employee came on board. “Laura” is my warehouse manager and she says that every day she has to fix Miranda’s mistakes and that if Miranda cared about the company she’d move to be closer to the warehouse and office. I’ve had such a difficult year with Covid personally and Laura has been a life-saving employee and friend, even helping me out with errands and lending me a vehicle when my husband’s car broke down. I couldn’t have made it through this year without Laura. She recommended the other two hires for the warehouse and they’re a great team since they all know each other and get along.
Miranda and Laura don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and Miranda seems to be really negative compared to Laura. She doesn’t want to try new things and is creating limits that I don’t think we need and saying no to new procedures and processes. I’m ashamed to admit I don’t know if Miranda is right or not and I don’t know what is a mistake and what isn’t or about our software and the business and limitations. I haven’t used our software in years and I don’t know that much about our product sourcing and things that Laura wants to change. I feel like they keep putting me in the middle and that’s really unprofessional. The other staff don’t need to talk to Miranda a lot, but they also say she’s difficult and hard to work with. It’s been a really tense few months at work and nobody’s getting along with Miranda. It feels like every day Miranda’s done something new that upsets the in-house team and she’s not even there. Laura had a good point the other day that you’d have to be abysmal at your job to cause problems when you’re not there in person.
A few months ago, I promoted Laura and gave her Miranda’s executive title, which was a demotion for Miranda. Afterwards, Miranda stopped working on certain projects and stopped helping Laura with certain aspects of the business Laura doesn’t know much about. Miranda also stopped responding to my calls and questions, and sometimes I’m waiting all evening for a response that I don’t get until the next morning. She didn’t respond to one of my questions and made me wait the whole weekend for an answer. Miranda asked me for a review of her job description and I feel like she should know what she has to do, I don’t have an updated job description for her. She and I spoke about her coming into the office three times a week for morale and she says she doesn’t want the commute and that nothing she does needs to be in the office.
I told her Miranda that the change in her title wasn’t personal, that Laura did such a great job helping me manage my life in the last year that it just seemed natural for her to be in charge. Miranda said that she felt my relationship with Laura was favoritism, which it isn’t. When I discussed this with Laura, she was so visibly upset. It was hard to see. When she calmed down, she said I need to fire Miranda because she doesn’t feel safe working with her.
I’m so confused I don’t know what to think. I left a lot of toxic jobs because I wanted my own business and camaraderie. The energy is so bad now. I just want someone to tell me what to do and help me run my life smoothly. Should I fire this employee?
I wrote back and asked why Laura says she feels unsafe working with Miranda and also whether Miranda is supposed to work nights and weekends, given the mention of waiting for answers from her during that time:
Laura said she felt unsafe because Miranda was so limiting and negative and that if she was going to accuse me of favoritism, that she’s obviously deflecting us away from her poor performance. She said Miranda won’t show her how to do anything in the software and I don’t know how to use it, and she feels like Miranda is trying to sabotage her and the company.
Miranda’s role was always more 9-5 for things like bookkeeping, bill paying, banking, and admin, which are normal admin hours but she was always reachable before no matter what.
*(I've omitted Alison's response, which includes a 10 point list of ways in which the letter writer is off base, but you should [go to the site and read it](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/my-employee-gave-me-an-its-her-or-me-ultimatum.html) because it's great)*
**[Update](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/update-my-employee-gave-me-an-its-her-or-me-ultimatum.html)**
*Remember the manager last week whose employee given her an “it’s her or me” ultimatum? I wrote that it seemed like that employee had it in for her coworker and wasn’t trustworthy and that the manager was pretty badly mishandling the situation. She got a lot of criticism from both me and the commenters, but was gracious enough to send in an update later that day anyway:*
So today was a rough day after I read your response. I don’t have a lot of managerial experience but in other parts of my previous career, people always praised my leadership skills, so I thought I had this in the bag. I didn’t go into the office today. I went to talk to my brother-in-law and filled him in on everything over lunch. He’s a department VP for a big state-wide company and oversees and manages a huge team across the state. (Nothing had changed much since I wrote in, except Miranda has pulled away drastically and Laura has mentioned she’s upset with me for not having acted yet on her ultimatum.)
After I told my brother-in-law everything, he was quiet for a second and then asked for Miranda’s information so he could offer her a job; they have remote positions open, and local positions in her area. When I said I was relieved because it let me off the hook for having to fire her, he said he wasn’t letting me off the hook, he was poaching a hardworking professional who deserves better. I think that’s when it hit me that I’ve been wrong about this whole situation.
He also told me I needed to take managerial classes and was very ticked off about Laura loaning me her car. Everybody seemed ticked off about that, I read the comment section. Never read the comments.
That was five hours ago and Miranda just texted me her resignation, no two weeks notice, no transitional help, nothing. I get why she’s doing it, but I feel like it’s pretty unprofessional of her after 4 years of working together.
When I texted the rest of the staff in our group chat to let them know Miranda left, Laura didn’t say anything, she just texted me privately asking to clarify that Miranda was definitely fired and that she didn’t quit.
I have a feeling Laura might leave on her own and I’m preparing to bring the shipping contractor back on board if that’s the case. I learned a lot of lessons today.
**And then an update to the update a few days later:**
Laura did quit when I told her I wasn’t discussing Miranda and she took one of the other staff with her. They both trashed me to the sky on social media, which lead to a demand for refunds and cancellation of orders I can’t recover from. The one staff member who stayed is trying to help me keep everything going. I had a competitor offer to buy out my business, and I think I’m going to take her up on it because she’s offering a great price despite knowing I’m in the red.
When I hired Laura, she was recommended to me by a close friend of hers who happens to be a close friend of mine. We shared a lot of friends in common and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I realize I oversold how much I needed Laura’s help when I interviewed her, and I might have undercut Miranda from the beginning. Laura came in with the sense that she was being hired as a fixer. My brother-in-law and my sister (who also owns her own very successful small business) along with your wake-up call helped me realize all the huge mistakes I’m making. I used to work in medicine in a highly competitive field that was unfriendly and cliquey, and I think that’s what drove me to push for friendships instead of an employer/employee relationship. I offered Miranda her job back but she doesn’t want it. It’s hard to admit, but that’s fair. I really screwed up.
Because she was recommended by my friend, I didn’t check any of Laura’s references. She said she had managerial experience from her previous job. She didn’t. Through some town chatter, I found out her department at her last job threw a party the day after Laura quit, and an acquaintance who worked at the company expressed a lot of shock that I hired her. I called her references and two of the numbers were disconnected, and the other person is the close friend who recommended her to me.
I can’t believe the Koolaid I was drinking a week ago. I found some business classes at our local college and I’m going to take some time off and go back to school and freelance. Such a crappy week. Thank you for your honesty. I really needed it. I might print it and put it in a frame. | coveredinbeeees | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/per20v/ask_a_manager_my_employee_gave_me_an_its_her_or/ | per20v | 9,351 | 1,743 | [
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2021-08-30T23:48:05 | Very clingy and overbearing coworker buys OP a cheap and tacky wedding dress that OP never asked get to buy, and expects her to wear it at her upcoming wedding. (r/weddingdrama) | null | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/peu6qw/very_clingy_and_overbearing_coworker_buys_op_a/ | peu6qw | 9 | 0 | [
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2021-08-31T01:12:14 | [Ask A Manager] Employee won’t come back unless her coworker is fired | AskAManager | This was published on the [Ask A Manager ](https://www.askamanager.org) website - another update this morning reminded me of this and I thought you'd enjoy it. I did a search and couldn't find it being posted here previously.
[Original published April 5, 2017](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/employee-wont-come-back-unless-her-coworker-is-fired-i-dont-want-to-work-in-the-office-sick-bay-and-more.html)
*I’m a manager. I’m having an issue with two of my staff, Liz and Jack. They were returning from an off-site meeting and had parked in front of our building. According to Liz and other witnesses, there was a bird on the sidewalk and when it flew away Jack ran. Liz was less than a step ahead of him and he pushed her out of the way when he was running. Liz fell off the curb and got hit by a car that was parking. She ended up covered in bruises and breaking both bones in one forearm. Liz had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. The breaks were in the middle of her forearm and were so bad that Liz had surgery on her arm the next day and required a total hospital stay of four days.*
*Jack didn’t try to help Liz after it happened. He stood far away and came into our building as soon as the ambulance arrived. Jack told me, my boss and HR he has a phobia of birds and later produced a letter from his therapist stating he has been in therapy and treatment for ornithophobia and anxiety for over two years. He explained it was why he tried to run from the bird and said he didn’t help Liz after she got hit because the bird landed on the ground close to her. Understandably Liz is angry. She wants Jack to be fired. HR was wary of firing Jack when he has had no previous trouble and has a phobia and mental illness that rise to the level of needing treatment, and so am I.*
*When Liz found out that Jack wasn’t going to be fired, she quit. Liz was working on a few projects, and without her the could be delays and extra costs incurred. We have tried to get her to come back, but she refuses unless Jack is fired. Jack called her with HR present to apologize but she didn’t accept and yelled at him. With Jack’s permission, his phobia and mental health issues were explained to Liz but she says she doesn’t care. What should I do? I don’t feel comfortable firing Jack or recommending it given what he disclosed. I’m not sure where to go from here.*
**Alison's Response:**
This sucks for everyone involved, most of all Liz, but it sounds like the resolution here is that Liz quit. You can’t make someone come back who doesn’t want to come back and — while Liz is absolutely entitled to be upset and angry and to refuse to continue working with Jack — you can’t let an employee dictate that another employee be fired.
And while reasonable people can certainly disagree on this, I think you’re right not to fire Jack, who apparently has a documented phobia that he’s in treatment for and who presumably didn’t intend to push Liz as he ran by her. (I should note that I’m reading your letter as saying that he was pushing past her to get away, not that he deliberately pushed her.)
I get that Liz’s resignation is causing problems for the projects she was involved on, but that would be the case if she quit for normal reasons too. That’s part of doing business — employees will sometimes leave at inconvenient times, and you cobble together a solution as best as you can. (In this case, that solution should presumably include ensuring that Liz’s medical bills are covered and a plan to ensure that Jack’s phobia doesn’t endanger anyone again.)
[Update 1 Published April 27, 2017](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/update-employee-wont-come-back-unless-her-coworker-is-fired.html)
*There was a police investigation because Liz was injured by a vehicle. Both the police and the driver’s insurance company found Jack to be 100% at fault for what happened, based on multiple witness accounts that Jack had extended his arms back and then out when he pushed Liz and didn’t just lightly bump into her. Liz agreed it was Jack’s fault and not the driver. One of the mirrors on the vehicle was damaged when Liz was hit and Jack paid to have it repaired as a resolution with the driver, and everything between the driver and Jack has been settled. Jack has not been charged with anything. (It is still a possibility that he might be.)*
*HR and Jack had attempted to keep in contact with Liz after she got out of the hospital to see if there was any chance of her coming back but she never responded. Eventually both Jack and the company received a letter from a lawyer asking that they not contact Liz again. She never asked for money to pay her medical bills, didn’t file a workers comp. claim, and didn’t take any legal action against Jack.*
*The legal department and the outside legal counsel who HR got a second opinion from had told Jack and the company to prepare for a claim and other legal action and advised all to settle because Liz had a strong case. Her letter stated she had decided to not take action and just wanted to move on for her own well-being. She now has another job. Our company was not contacted for a reference or employment history. I don’t know if Liz told them what happened during the interview but our industry in this area is small and I know for sure she has now told her new job everything that happened.*
*After what happened, Jack told me he decided to take a break from therapy and look at his options. I was surprised and he volunteered that information without me asking. But since I am in a management position over him, I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to comment or tell him that.*
*His work is still excellent and he has had no disciplinary or work-related issues.*
[Update 2 Published December 14, 2017](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/12/3-updates-the-bird-phobia-the-boss-who-wont-accept-a-resignation-and-more.html)
*Liz is still at her new job and has not attempted contact, legal or financial comp. with Jack or the company we work for either herself or through a lawyer or anyone else. Word about what happened and the aftermath has gotten around the industry a little. I have been asked about it by a few people I know from other places. I just tell them I have nothing to say and they stop asking. Jack is still working here. He has not re-entered therapy or isn’t undergoing any kind of treatment.*
*Thank you again for your assistance here. Happy holidays to you and your loved ones.* | terrip_t1 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pevm7w/ask_a_manager_employee_wont_come_back_unless_her/ | pevm7w | 6,478 | 506 | [
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2021-08-31T16:30:50 | [AITA] AITA For Telling My Girlfriend to Choose Me or her Best Friend | AITA | *This is a repost, I am not OP*
[**Original post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pdq5vz/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_to_choose_me_or/)
​
***Boyfriend posts on AITA, Aug 29, 2021***
My girlfriend (25F) and I (26M) have been together for four years. She's been best friends with her friend (also 25F) since middle school. Before I came into the picture they were attached at the hip and then the BFF got jealous of how often my girlfriend and I were together. For our entire relationship she's been manipulative of my girlfriend and not at all understanding especially when my girlfriend cancels plans with the BFF to hang out with me. She has also said repeatedly that I'm abusive and controlling even though she exclusively dates guys who are AHs. It all came to a head tonight when we were all out together. The BFF was going on and on about her new job and my girlfriend finally interrupted to talk about our vacation instead. The BFF got upset and asked if my girlfriend even knew where she worked because my girlfriend "was never around anymore." The BFF started crying in the middle of a bar about how her feelings get hurt when my girlfriend cancels on their plans or doesn't reply to texts. I had enough and asked why she was so obsessed with my girlfriend and our relationship and always needs to lie to get attention (about me being controlling). Then her blowhard boyfriend got involved and threatened me with physical violence. Everyone split up after that and the BFF texted my girlfriend to try to manipulate her some more by saying sorry she started the fight and saying she wanted some space for awhile. My girlfriend started crying about how much it all upsets her and after four years I was just kind of tired of it and told her that she needed to choose between me and the BFF. She got upset with me and told me that she couldn't choose between us and it wasn't fair to ask her to even though the BFF is always starting drama. AITA here or is the BFF just a psycho?
​
***Hours later a friend of his girlfriend (GFF) finds the post, Aug 29, 2021***
YTA Jake.
Until now I've been a casual reader of this sub, but after reading this one I had to make an account and reply because I'm fairly certain I'm part of this friend circle and witnessed this all go down last night. Everyone is right that you are the most unreliable narrator who left out so many details. Let me clear those up.
First, we all asked about her new job and wanted to hear all the details. She's so excited about it because it's her dream job, which your GF knows. That girl worked her ass off to get it, so she gets to talk as much as she wants about it. You two don't like hearing about anything that isn't about yourselves (specifically about you, Jake).
Second, your GF has never known how to balance a boyfriend with healthy friend relationships. I've known them both since college. She's insecure, immature, and self-centered. That's how you're able to control her. The only reason you two get invited anywhere anymore is because her BFF and her boyfriend insist it would be rude not to invite her. Because you're a package deal, we're stuck with you, too.
Third, you were never threatened with "physical violence." You're a 6'4 dude who got in a crying girl's face to scream at her and her boyfriend told you to back up and put himself in between the both of you.
Fourth, she was only crying because you were calling her names. This also isn't the first time you've called her names. You literally called her a psycho in your post.
Fifth, YOU make your girlfriend cancel on this poor girl at least 1-2 a month. I've seen the texts from your GF cancelling because you came up with some bullshit about how you don't get enough time with her.
Sixth, she only calls you a controlling asshole because you are one. You convinced your GF to stop talking to her for a period of time when she was very depressed and suicidal because you said her being suicidal was also manipulation.
Seventh, if anyone is manipulative in that friendship it's your GF. I've also seen the texts where she told her BFF not to text her while she's with you (at your request), not to expect a response from her ever because she "doesn't deserve one," and not to get upset when she cancels because she "isn't owed any time." The girl apologizes so much because your GF has her convinced she's a bad person/needy/clingy.
Lastly, Jake, if this is you, and I really don't see how it couldn't be unless there are two AH guys who think they're related to Tony Stark and went off on their GF's BFFs in a bar last night, the entire friend group agrees YTA. I'll be sending them all screenshots of this post.
​
***Boyfriend replies***
Mind your own business because you don't know the half of what goes on.
​
***and they "talk"***
*GFF -* Buddy, you made it the world's business lol. Now you're mad you (A) got caught and (B) got pegged as the AH. If you want to talk about it text me because I'm not about to fight with you on here.
*BF* *-* I don't get why you had to come on here and start drama. I was just venting because this always happens when we get together as a group. She goes nuts, he gets all big and tough and you stick your nose where it doesn't belong
*GFF* *-* First, you're the one who posted to start drama.
Second, good thing it's Sunday because you need some quality time with Jesus. And a therapist.
Third, YOU WERE NEVER THREATENED. You picked a fight with a girl who's a foot shorter than you and her boyfriend told you to stop. Period. End of story.
Everyone stay tuned for Jake's next post: AITA for lying on Reddit and getting caught?
​
***GFF clarifies details***
He was never threatened. He was in this girl's face berating her when her boyfriend stepped in between and told him to back off. That's it. They left right after that because she was upset and nobody could have fun after that.
​
***Someone asked GFF for updates and they respond***
1. I talked to her BFF after I saw this post, and she gave me permission to share anything needed to clear things up. She's really embarrassed that now there wasn't just a public argument, but it was published to thousands of people on the internet even if her name isn't attached to it. She's a genuinely kind person who had a rough period in her life 2-3 years ago. Thankfully she's in a better place emotionally now than she was back then. OP wasn't wrong about how often she apologizes, but she's not doing it to manipulate anyone. She actually thinks that she's to blame for these types of situations when they occur because OP and his GF tell her that she's to blame. From what I understand, she's firm in her decision to take some time away from OP's girlfriend. She thinks that's the best thing for her mental health right now, so obviously everyone will support her.
As for the girlfriend, she does deserve better than OP. He's a very controlling and jealous guy. She's not assertive at all and has a lot of her own problems which makes it easy for him to assert this level of control over her. I don't think she's a bad person at all, but she has always gotten her self worth through having a boyfriend and that shows in her actions. A lot of our friends are just done with having that level of toxicity in the friend group, but her BFF and her BFF's boyfriend always advocate on the GF's behalf so that she's not totally isolated and keeps being invited to everything.
​
2. You know I sent screenshots and a link to this mess. She isn't talking to any of us right now (including Jake) because of it.
​
***After it was reposted on Am I the Devil GFF comments***
Friend here. 100% real unfortunately. He texted everyone who was there that night to figure out who it was before bringing it back to reddit instead of keeping it private like an adult would. He honestly thought he would find someone who agreed with him.
​
***GFF posts another update, Aug 30, 2021***
UPDATE:
The BFF mentioned in this post is fine. I told her that everyone is on her side, which has made her feel a little better about it. She's in a really good place in her life right now and is grateful for anyone who's reached out.
The GF is now single. This post and the backlash from everyone, including her mom, made her realize that he was such a shitty guy. I know some people were worried about domestic violence, but she's staying with people right now (clearly I'm not going to say who because Jake's probably still lurking). She knows that people are here if she wants to talk.
Not sure where their friendship stands right now, but that's for them to work out while everyone else supports them.
Jake (OP) has been blocked on all social media by basically everyone. Hopefully he finds himself a good therapist.
Thank you to everyone who has commented/messaged/reached out. You're all amazing people for caring about two girls you don't even know. Keep standing up for those who need it. This isn't an uncommon situation, so don't be afraid to reach out if you need help or you think someone needs help. | IzzyLyss | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pf9ede/aita_aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_to_choose_me/ | pf9ede | 9,187 | 2,898 | [
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2021-08-31T19:44:41 | employee got her colleagues arrested for smoking pot at a conference and now wants a transfer | AskAManager | [Originally posted 4/12/2017](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/employee-got-her-colleagues-arrested-for-smoking-pot-at-a-conference-and-now-wants-a-transfer.html)
---
**Original post**
Three of my reports (two staff and their team manager) were sent to a two-day conference on the other side of the state. According to one of the staff, Sally, when they were back at the hotel after the first day the team manager invited the two of them into his room and offered them a joint to smoke with him. Sally declined, her colleague did not. Sally told the front desk what her manager and colleague were doing, and the hotel called the police after confirming it. Sally checked out and took a Greyhound back to our city because she was so upset. She showed me and my boss a photo of the team manager smoking the joint and stated she was angry and upset at having an illegal drug pushed at her and pressured to use it.
Our state has not legalized marijuana for medical or recreational purposes. Both Sally’s team manager and colleague were arrested for possession. They were also given a reprimand for behaving that way on a work trip. Sally stated her objections to the fact they were not fired and reiterated her dislike of marijuana. She has put in for a transfer and stated if she is not given one, she will quit.
I agree it was inappropriate, but I think Sally is overreacting. I disagree with the marijuana laws in this state and believe in legalization. I partake myself occasionally. I understand it was completely inappropriate on a work trip and she shouldn’t have been pressured, but I think Sally is going way overboard with her crusade and telling the hotel and everything. How do I talk to her and address this with her? I’m also upset that she left the conference and came home early. I would have told her to decline it but to stay for the second day and privately talk to me after the conference.
**Alison's Reply**
Oooof.
Yeah, I agree Sally is way overreacting, but I want to be transparent that I’m having trouble parsing out how much of that is colored by my opposition to arresting and jailing adults for marijuana use.
I’m curious to know more about what she means when she says that she was pressured to use marijuana. Does she mean it was simply offered to her? That’s not really pressure, not any more than offering someone a glass of wine when other people are partaking is pressure to drink. But if her boss and/or the coworker were seriously pressuring her (dismissing her no, trying to cajole her into it, or giving her a hard time when she wanted to leave), then yes, that’s messed up.
Either way, though, taking a photo, alerting the hotel, and cutting the trip short and taking a bus back to your city is a pretty extreme reaction, unless there’s more to the story that we don’t know.
But the manager really screwed up here and I’d be having a serious talk with him, because he showed terrible judgment in offering Sally a joint. Given that he didn’t see her reaction coming, he clearly didn’t know her well enough to have been smoking pot around her in the first place (even if there was no pressure whatsoever). You should be upset with him for his lack of judgment.
As for what to do now … well, does it make business sense to transfer Sally? Is the job she wants to be transferred to one that’s open and one that she’d be good at? Do you typically transfer people pretty easily? How’s her performance generally? Is she someone you want to retain? Has she shown good judgment in tricky situations in the past? What are her working relationships going to be like with these colleagues going forward, if she stays where she is and if she moves? In particular, is it realistic for her to keep working for someone who she got arrested? I’d consider all of those factors in deciding whether or not to transfer her.
But if those factors don’t add up to a transfer making sense, I think it’s fine to tell her that you’re not able to give her the transfer and that you understand if that means that she choses not to stay in her job.
As for talking to her about leaving the conference and coming home early and about going overboard in general … I suppose you could frame it as something like, “Let’s talk about how to handle it in the future if you’re uncomfortable with a colleague’s behavior.” But I think you’re better off letting it go. It really doesn’t sound like you’re going to convince her that she was wrong to do those things — and unfortunately the law is on her side on the reporting — so I’d just focus on moving forward from here.
**Update**
Thank you for answering my question Alison. As always your advice is spot on. I appreciate all the comments as well.
Since I sent in my letter some things have happened. Sally was not given a transfer and she was given a reprimand and sent home for a half day to make up for the unused costs of the hotel and conference. This was not my decision.
Sally ended up seeking legal advice and the company had to do damage control because she framed it as her male boss telling her to come into his room at night and pressuring her to take a drug that is illegal and mood-altering, and was penalized for reporting it to the hotel while trying to protect the company and their decision to phone the police, and given a harsher penalty than the people who did the illegal thing and not allowed a transfer and forced to work for the boss she reported and told not to be insubordinate again. Again I was not involved in the decision to reprimand her.
When Sally quit two people also left in protest and several others threatened to based on her treatment. The company decided to try to settle with her because a lawyer told us we really dropped the ball. I agree. I think Sally overreacted but I was upset that she received a worst penalty than her boss and colleague.
Thanks again everyone and sorry I don’t have time to reply to everyone individually.
---
**A sampling of comments from Alison**
> Don’t be stunned. I’m not going to advocate that our antiquated marijuana laws ruin any more lives than they’ve already ruined.
--
> But of course they can. Think of all the other things that have been illegal throughout history, like interracial marriage. Would you advocate firing someone for that during that time?
--
> Just a note that I’m staying out of the rest of the comments from this point forward because I can feel myself becoming incensed and I’m sure it’s reflected in some of my comments here Like I said in the original post, I feel strongly about this issue and I’m having trouble separating the work issues from that, and I don’t want to spew my strong feelings all over the rest of you.
---
**A sampling of comments from other people**
> **Juliecatharine:** I came here to say the same thing. She’s trouble waiting to happen and she will need to be treated with kid gloves going forward. Nobody is going to want anything to do with her when they hear what she did. If she’s willing to leave and they’re covered from an HR perspective she should be given a wide berth and allowed to go.
> **JanetinSC:** Exactly…she’s poison in the eyes of all her co-workers.
--
> **Detective Amy Santiago:** I think the manager should be seriously reprimanded or fired for doing something illegal on a work trip. It shows very poor judgment.
> (for the record, I’m pro-legalization, but we don’t really get to pick which laws we want to abide by)
> **KMS:** I agree, and I think the difficult issue here is that it was her team lead that offered — not a peer, which I think, leads to some additional pressure.
> **Aurion:** Yeah, this. It was Sally’s *boss* that was asking her about weed. I’m surprised Alison didn’t address that when she’s so on-point with the implicit power differential.
> **ThursdaysGeek:** Yeah. I think Alison is blinded a bit by her stance on pot, and overlooking the power differential issue.
> It doesn’t matter what the boss was offering, legal or not – there is pressure there simply because it is coming from the boss. And that pressure matters. Add in something that is locally illegal, to someone who sees things very right and wrong, add in questions about if the pot was in the vehicle coming and not wanting to take that vehicle going back, and very likely adding in some underlying and existing issues, and you get someone who acts very unprofessionally, in their reaction to an very unprofessional act by a superior. There are no heroes in the story.
--
> **Yappa:** She had just narc’ed out her boss and co-worker and got them arrested. She could expect them to be extremely mad at her the next day… perhaps even to the point of firing her. It is perfectly reasonable that she fled back to the safety of her office.
> Having said that, Sally sounds like a truly toxic individual. She should be handled with great care but eased out as soon as possible.
--
> **CHB:** I just wanted to add (not directly responding to the IT Manager’s comment), Sally did nothing wrong but everyone is faulting her for being overdramatic. Regardless of her beliefs & reaction she never should been put in this situation in the first place, let alone by her manager at a work conference.
--
> **Mike C.:** Here’s a transfer for Sally – to the unemployment line.
> Yeah, I just wrote that.
--
> **Manders:** Yeah, I was trying not to draw too many parallels to that, but if Jane reported Fergus for sodomy in a country where that’s illegal and Fergus got arrested, I would be 100% behind Fergus and Jane would be out the door ASAP. Same if, say, she reported Fergus for having kinky sex, engaging in sex work off the clock, possessing certain types of pornography involving consenting adults, having an affair, letting a woman drive, helping a woman get an abortion, gambling, insulting the king, helping a minor obtain birth control, or doing anything else that’s technically illegal in some areas but a victimless crime.
> It could be a lapse in judgment on Fergus’s part to let Jane know those things are going on, but there are laws I morally disagree with to the point that I couldn’t in good conscience fire an employee for committing them.
> **Falling Diphthong:** See, to me, all of those come under “If Fergus would just quietly do those things in his room and not announce them to anyone, there wouldn’t have been this problem.”
> If he nonetheless called his subordinate Jane to his room and then asked that she engage in sodomy (illegal) for money (illegal) with a same-sex partner (illegal) to make some porn (illegal) while gambling (illegal) and insulting the king (illegal), the person whose behavior is a problem is Fergus. As soon as Jane turns out to be horrified by those things, before we even get to the part where she is horrified that covering them up is now on her, and if Fergus goes down she might be going down with him.
--
> **Creag an Tuire:** So I posted this before reading OP’s update (s/he posted as “Letter Writer”) and it changes my opinion completely. I now consider it very likely that Sally *was* afraid for her physical safety, *for reasons only tangentially related to the marijuana* (such as sexual harassment), and Sally is only fixating on the letter of the law because she didn’t expect the company to take her “real” reasons seriously.
--
> **Liz:** I can’t help reading these “well, but it’s ILLEGAL” replies and wondering what those posters would think of a Sally who reported her boss for having gay sex in a hotel on a work trip 40 or 50 years ago.
> **Cmart:** He probably shouldn’t have been asking his subordinates to have sex with him on a work trip. \*shrug\*
> **Leatherwings:** Are you being intentionally obtuse? Liz didn’t say anything about the sex-ee being a subordinate, and that wasn’t the point she was making either.
> **CMart:** I’m applying it to the situation at hand. Sally’s boss offered her pot. She didn’t glance up into his window as she walked through the courtyard and see him doing it.
> Therefore if we’re extrapolating to Liz’s hypothetical: it’s not just “reporting for having gay sex” (as Sally didn’t merely report that she suspected her boss was smoking, she knew and freaked out because he directly offered it to her), it’s Sally finding out about the gay sex when the boss asked her if she’d like to partake.
--
> **Lies, damn lies and...:** Anyone else kind of surprised at the hotel’s response to call the police? Is that a normal thing to do? Wouldn’t the hotel investigate first? Something seems kind of off to me… Also, do police usually show up if someone calls and says “there is a person smoking marijuana” – that seems like a lot of police effort to a non-threat. (But I am in Massachusetts where use has been uncriminalized for some time.)
> **Falling Diphthong:** Between “Sir, we’ve had complaints of an odor” and “Manager is arrested,” I suspect there exists a whole intervening chapter of Manager’s Adventures At The Hotel that didn’t make it into his final report to Letter Writer about what happened at the conference.
---
Personally, I'm pro-legalization and *also* on Team Sally. If she had just seen her boss smoking and reported it, that would have been one thing, but the power differential between them + boss inviting her to join makes me feel skeevy. I'm also uncomfortable with the way that it was being compared to civil rights issues, like interracial marriage and participating in "gay" sex. On top of that, the number of people who treated Sally like she directly called the police, even though it says in the OP that it was the hotel that did so has me raising an eyebrow.
TBH I'm also really judgmental of the way that Alison titled the question (the employee did *not* get her colleague's fired), and of how she completely brushed off the power differential. This goes doubly for me personal in the light of [this](https://washingtoncitypaper.com/article/187904/spotlight-on-sexual-misconduct-reopens-old-wounds-at-marijuana-policy-project/) article, though Alison does reply to it [here](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/12/something-personal.html). (CW for sexual assault in both articles.)
I want to believe that maybe Alison would answer the question differently now, and acknowledge the power differential, but honestly? I don't know. | loracarol | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pfda2o/employee_got_her_colleagues_arrested_for_smoking/ | pfda2o | 14,407 | 406 | [
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2021-08-31T20:24:52 | Creepy guy tries to follow OOP, police are informed, update brings new creepy info...possible creepy updates in the future. | r/creepyencounters | [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/creepyencounters/comments/pc3gi3/creepy_lunger_tried_to_follow_me_home/)
Creepy Lunger Tried To Follow Me Home
I had this posted in Entitled people but someone suggested I post it in here too.
Yesterday (now the day before yesterday) I popped into the little Tesco in my town as I was making Spag Bol and realised I had no onions. Usually I wear a mask but my nephew had left teeny chocolate handprints on my white mask so it was in the washing machine. I'm fully vaccinated so didn't think it'd be an issue when I was literally grabbing onions and paying by card. Plus masks are no longer compulsory here I'm just paranoid as I live with someone high risk.
As I walk in, a guy who is probably a little shorter than me also walks in at the same time, he smiles and says hi to me. I'm a smiley person and will be friendly to anyone so I say hi back smile and walk on. He goes down the crisps and chocolate aisle and I head for ready meals and veg. Out of the corner of my eye I can see his head following me as I walked past. I know I'm a pretty girl but I'm also relatively large and while I do get attention from men, not usually so full on watching me go kinda thing. I thought nothing of it at the time, it was a little flattering, so I got my onions and walked to the till.
The man was stood directly in front of me, no issue until he turned around and smiled at me. I smiled back than looked away. I kid you not guys, he starts doing lunges, like actual lunges in front of me. Then stretching his leg up behind his back and twisting his torso to look back at me. I am pretty uncomfortable at this point so I'm avidly reading the wine rack, there is a wine called beefsteak wine and I'm super confused (I don't drink) as to why its called that. Is it a beef flavoured wine? Is it specifically for beef and steak pairings? God I hope its the latter. All the while this guy is still lunging twisting and trying to smile at me.
Finally the old dear in front has all her stuff in her granny trolley and shuffles off. Man in front buys his cigarettes and chocolate bar and goes to stand by the front door. I'm feeling super uncomfortable at this point because he's literally staring at me while I buy my onions. I pay and go for the door again avoiding eye contact and just acting like I'm in my own little world. But he doesn't seem to take the hint. He stops me at the door.
He says "Hi I'm John Smith, can I get your number?" I deadpan just say no and start walking to my car. Not sure what happened next but a second later an older gentleman with a west highland terrier has stepped in between us and said "the girl said no, leave her be" I thank the older man, avoiding the other guys eyes and go to my car. He ran to his van and gets in and waits. I just have a bad feeling at this point.
So I drive out of the car park and go the opposite way to my house. Thinking back on it, it was probably a really stupid move of mine because I drove in the direction of nowhere, like the next town is 30 miles in the direction I drove with a ton of small villages in between. The nearest being 9 miles away. Like I said not smart. And just as my instincts said he would, John Smith starts to follow me. He's in a white van and I'm in a little car so the windy roads and random side lanes did come in handy. I ended up driving 17 miles out of my way in a giant semi circle to get home. He followed me for at least 8 of them before he lost me going up a large bendy hill that opens onto a blind crossroad. Just to ensure I wasn't being paranoid I'd taken turns that make no sense and pretty much done a circle before driving onwards.
It started out as a semi flattering thing in a supermarket, turned into me nearly killing us both speeding round tight corners scared to stop. I honestly don't understand the entitlement of people that think this behaviour is acceptable. I do have his number plate, I'm probably going to report him to the police tbh. I have the entire thing on dashcam.
Edit: since I copied it straight from my other post forgot to mention I have reported this to the police this afternoon.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/creepyencounters/comments/pfdbeq/update_creepy_lunger_tried_to_follow_me_home/)
Update Creepy Lunger Tried to Follow Me Home
So last week I called the police after a creep tried to follow me home. Link to the OG post is below:
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/creepyencounters/comments/pc3gi3/creepy_lunger_tried_to_follow_me_home/)
Today I have an unfortunate and pretty terrifying update from my prospective. When I called the police they basically said they would look into things but since he could argue he was just driving most likely they can't do much beyond tell him not to come near me again. That night I got a call from a police officer from the city 20 miles from my town. She couldn't give me a lot of details but said the guy who followed me is currently going through criminal proceedings for doing "something similar" to another girl. And wanted my consent to pass on my details to a lawyer. I honestly didn't know how to react or what to think but of course I said yes. And than spent this entire weekend and bank holiday with 1,000 things going through my mind.
Today I got a call from a the lawyer, which honestly surprised me because from my limited experience with lawyers they take weeks to work. I did not get a huge amount of details but basically she told me the same man who I had my encounter with, Creepy Lunger, had stalked another young woman and he had attempted to abduct her. I have no more details beyond this, but she said as my encounter was of a similar nature and it was caught on camera, providing my account could collaborate with the victim of the attempted abductions account and provide a narrative of what this guys MO is. I gave her my statement, she has the video footage passed on from the police and the officer I spoke to from the city said her team would be looking into my encounter as part of a larger investigation. So I very well may have another update in the future. But for now, I know its not a lot of information but still it was pretty terrifying to be told the guy who followed me from the supermarket actually has tried, and who knows maybe even succeeded, in abducting women before.
All I can say for now is I'm so grateful to all that commented with advice, I'm going to be taking steps to get self defence classes and glitter glue spray and will be heading straight to the police station/fire station/hospital if anyone ever tries following me again! | GreenThumbCottage | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pfe2b2/creepy_guy_tries_to_follow_oop_police_are/ | pfe2b2 | 6,617 | 913 | [
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2021-09-01T00:43:04 | OOP is grounded by stepmom for giving condoms to younger brother | Relationship_Advice | A reminder that I am not the original author of these posts. Except for the paragraph breaks, I put those in. You're welcome.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/comments/oo54rn/aitb_for_buying_my_brother_condoms/)
Throwaway account cuz some family's on Reddit. So a few yrs back our mom died and two years after that our dad (51m) remarried to a younger gal (39f). I'll call her Susan. I( 17f) hv one younger brother (16m) and one twin(17m). We'll call my twin Mark and younger brother Robert.
Susan has always been very cold and distant towards us. We initially tried to make good with her but she never returned the sentiment and honestly, as teens, we weren't gonna run after our fathers second wife who we obviously see as sort of a replacement for our mom. Our mom was a very kind and open minded person who talked to us regularly about our feelings, wasn't strict in a suffocating way, and tbh, had some unconventional parenting methods, like wacky rules, weird fun ways of teaching us lessons and funny ways of punishment. But they all worked and never did we once resent her for parenting us, which I feel every kid at some point eventually does.
Our mom also educated us about stuff like sex, sexuality, gender, racism, sexism and stuff like that. When she died, we not only missed her, we missed the trust and bond we had. Whenever we had a question, no matter how taboo or embarrassing, she would answer it very honestly and openmindedly.
So naturally, as all teenagers do, Robert got curious about sex in a serious way, and asked our dad and Susan about talking to him about it. Our dad had to unfortunately leave town for a bit but Susan agreed to talk. All Robert was told was sex was to be reserved for marriage (which I found hypocritical, cause Susan definitely did not wait for marriage, because we had the distinct pleasure of seeing her walk around in her underwear in the house when her and my dad were dating).
Robert wasn't educated about STDs, safe sex, various methods of contraception for men and women, and pregnancy and the ways someone could get pregnant. He already knew a bit, but mom never told him the full story and wanted for him to get a bit older so he could understand better. So Mark and I took matter into our own hands and told him about all the stuff, answered his questions and also did the practical demonstration of applying a condom on a banana. I also told him to keep the rest of the condoms, because safety comes first, whenever he should feel like he's ready to have sex.
Susan found the condoms in his room, grilled him about it, and then grounded me. For 3 months. Took away mt devices, not allowed to go out and stuff. I need my devices for communication socially as well as academically. Aitb?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/comments/pfc80z/aitb_for_buying_my_brother_condoms_update/)
First of all, thank you so much to EVERYONE who responded. I appreciate it all so much. If you didn't read my previous post, you can read it by clicking on the link above in order to get the context.
Do basically after my dad came home, I talked to him along with Mark. Robert was feeling a little guilty because he thought that HE was the reason I got into trouble. After talking to my dad, it became extremely clear to me that Susan was emotionally manipulating him. My father has the ability to be influenced very very easily due to him being raised in foster care and just... he's a gullible man. He kept defending bher like he had been brainwashed into worshipping her and I was very alarmed. Like, extremely alarmed by the way he talked.
Then, by some miracle of heaven, an old friend of our mom reached out to us. They had lost contact after the friend, "Mary" moved to a new city for a her job, but I had clear memories of her in our childhoods. She had been trying to contact my mom for a long time but since mom is no longer alive, she obviously couldn't. Mary then called our home no. and asked about mom when I picked up. I told her that mom had died and she was devastated so she traveled like, 500 miles to come see us.
She my dad, siblings and me to a cafe to catch up but dad was busy so just us kids went. We after a while came clean about our situation and Mary was horrified and immediately called dad and demanded that he come over rn. All of us then had a long conversation and got dad to open his eyes and he admitted that he didn't ACTUALLY love Susan, he just is emotionally dependant on her after our mom's death and cuz she makes him feel young.
So now they're seperated and Susan is trying to get as much alimony as she can outta him but we got a good lawyer. Again thanks to all those who commented and made me feel nice. Rob also saw your comments and felt a bit better. Hopefully mom is proud that I've grown up nicely. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pfisda/oop_is_grounded_by_stepmom_for_giving_condoms_to/ | pfisda | 4,847 | 596 | [
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2021-09-01T09:39:30 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pfqgn1/deleted_by_user/ | pfqgn1 | 9 | 817 | [
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2021-09-01T14:10:21 | OP Stalked by Scientologists | EntitledPeople | *I am not OP, this is a repost*
​
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/pc2f8s/cult_talkers_think_they_can_scare_me_out_of_my/)
For safety sake I am using a throwaway account but I really want to get this out there in case anyone has gone through this too or can give advise. Sorry for any poor grammer, I didn't really have much in the way of education and it really shows sometimes.
M - Me
ES1 - Entitled Stalker 1
ES2 - Entitled Stalker 2
KN - Kind Neighbour
I should give you guys just a little backstory on how I ended up in this situation. I grew up in Scientology, My parents joined back in 1991 and moved to the states to be involved more than they could from the UK. In 2015 when I was 15 I joined the Sea Org and signed a billion year contract (I know how insane that is but it was something my parents were pressuring me to do because they thought it would allow me to be the best Scientologist I Could Be) but last August I saw my oppotunity to leave and I took it.
I was sent out with a group of other Sea Org members to confront some people who had been declared as Suppressive People (SP's) who were outside the building, When one of them said they had a permit to film some stuff in the street and since it was public that we couldn't stop them, and that it was in the car parked about 5 mins away from where we were. One of the Women I had come out with told me to go with the guy and check it out, So I did. When we got round the corner I told the guy I had wanted to leave but hadn't been able to because there was always someone watching. He suggested that maybe since we were out of sight maybe we could get into his car and he would drive me to a hotel and get me a room so I could plan where I could go after a couple days so I took the opportunity and got into his car and finally felt so much freedom that I had never felt before.
He had also been a Scientologist and had escaped from Gold Base years ago so understood my situation very well and once I figured out that I wanted to go to Washington he got in contact with some friends of his who were able to get me there without Scientology having any way of tracing my movements.
I have been here ever since, I live in a nice neighbourhood, well at least to where I had been before, and had managed to get a job working in a coffee shop. I have been so happy to be free but I never fully stopped looking over my shoulder. I know the policies regarding people like me and I have been keeping an eye out for them ever since I left.
2 months ago I noticed that a car with tinted windows was following me, I knew it was down to Scientology. They had somehow found out where I had moved and were trying to gather information on me. Last week they finally knocked on my door, Even though I knew it was going to happen sooner or later I was shaking. My neighbour who has always been really kind to me was over, She comes over sometimes just to check on me and she'll bring me food if she feels like I haven't eaten properly, She's basically been like a mom to me and I love her for it. I opened the door and things got really uncomfortable real fast.
ES1: Your parents have been worried about you, and your hiding out here. why?
M: I'm not hiding, I just don't want to be in a cult anymore.
ES1 Shouting: Liar, you are a criminal. You broke your contract and you fled. You are evil..
KN interupting: Hold on a minute, Stop shouting. OP is not evil and she is free to live her life a she pleases. Now leave her property or I will call the police.
ES2 holding a camera pointed at my face: You are a Suppressive Person, You may not set foot in any Scientology builing again, if you do we will have you charged with harrassment.
M Confused: But your the ones who tracked me down. I know the policies I know I'm an SP, I know abiut being disconnected with my family so what do either of us gain from you being here.
KN: Put the camera down.
ES1: No
KN closes the door in there faces and goes to close the curtains as I told her that they would probably try filming through my windows. I went and closed all other curtains in my home and after KN left I locked my doors too.
They are still watching my house from a car across the street and I feel uncomfortable about going outside, I know what methods can be used by scientologists who are Fair Gaming an SP.
I know now after watching Going Clear and Leah Remini's show that my experience with them after leaving is tame but it's still pretty creepy. Why they feel entitled to follow people around to a point where I'm basically a prisoner in my own home I don't know but I wish they would leave me alone. I'm not sure what information they have gathered on me but I know whatever it is will have been sent back and it will be used against me in some way, but until they try and use it I have no way to really do anything.
If anyone has any advise please let me know.
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/pfsa75/cult_stalkers_think_they_can_scare_me_out_of_my/)
Since my last post I have taken the advice that some of you gave me. I told my boss, my landlord and let my neighbours know about the fact scientology have sent people to follow me and that they were likely to try and approach some of them. Safe to say everyone was creeped out by it but have been very supportive and they have been keeping an eye on them and what they are doing.
I have started back at work (I asked for time off after they came to my door because of how uncomfortable and unsafe I was feeling with my stalkers being so close) and my kind neighbour has been helping me get out to work. I've been going out of my back door, climbing over her fence and she's been letting me into her garage so I can get into the back of her car and she than drives me to work. I basically duck down as low as I can as we're driving past them so hopefully they can't tell that I'm leaving. So far I don't think they have noticed me going to work but i'm still very cautious everytime I hear the door open at work incase it's one or both of them.
I don't feel safe getting a gun because of the risks it could bring. Scientology aren't above braking into builings for their own gain, one time they even broke into an FBI building to replace FBI documents about them with "Scientology approved" documents. If I had a gun and they were to brake into my home, their also not above planting things to frame people for crimes if it means either scaring people to back down or into doing what they want, and they found a gun it could put me in danger. In Scientology there is a policy called R2-45 and I really worry that them having any kind of access to a gun, even if it were mine, and being in my home could tempt them into following that policy.
I should probably explain what R2-45 is so you can hopefully understand why I'm worried about having a gun near me, or them. In Scientology doctrine, exteriorization refers to the separation of the thetan (soul) from the body, a phenomenon which LRH asserts can be achieved through auditing. R2-45 is a process by which exteriorization could be produced by shooting a person in the head with a .45 pistol. This is acknowledged by Scientology, but they deny that it is meant seriously publlicly in order to protect themsleves for people looking further into the cults policies, but privatly I know so many who truly believe that the use of this policy is ok because it's what LRH said.
I did ask my landord about getting a dog, he originally said no because he doesn't allow pets in his property but yesterday he called me and said I could have a dog if I still wanted to. He told me that he had recieved letters from a few different scientologists including my parents telling him how I am a drug addict and I get violent on a regular basis when i'm high, my parents said in their letter that they are worried about me being out here on my own because without them to help control my violent outbursts people could get seriously hurt. They claimed that they had proof that I was still using drugs and provided my landlord with a picture that the stalkers had obviously taken after looking through my trash. They told my landlord that they really didn't think it was a good idea to continue letting me live on my own in his house and that he should help convinse me to go back to them where they can get me back in line. The evidence they have of me using drugs is an empty box of over the counter pain meds I had bought ages ago and I had finished with.
My landlord thinks that if these are the sorts of accusations they're willing to try throwing at me now, who knows whats next or what they'll do if I continue to ignore them or refuse to go back. As long as I don't let the dog cause any damage to the property he's ok with me having a dog to help protect me if they try and come to my door again or in they attempt to break in for any reason. He's also given me permission to have security cameras installed both on the outside and on the insideof the house, we discussed it and when I told him about my worries of them breaking in and their history of planting evidence of crimes on people we agreed that having a few discreet camereas inside would be good, so if they did break in and try and plant anything we would have proof of them doing it.
I have looked into the police in my area and while some of the cops seem reliable, there are a lot who seem to be very willing to overlook things scientology do so for now I don't trust in them to help me. I have contacted a lawyer who is going to help me with restraining orders against the stalkers and is willing to do the same to anyone else scientology sends to harrass me.
I have also contacted the Aftermath Foundation and they are being amazing and really helping me, and I really appreciate the suggestion I think a few people gave me to go to them. | TheLadyLavender | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pfuoj5/op_stalked_by_scientologists/ | pfuoj5 | 10,067 | 645 | [
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2021-09-01T15:27:37 | OP gets the consequences of her delusional savior complex, yet, insists she did nothing wrong. | AITA | ***\*\*I thought it was straight forward, with all the developments I'm just confused.. sorry about that folks! Wish I could change the title.\*\****
​
OP confirmed she is both [u/No\_Individual4257](https://www.reddit.com/user/No_Individual4257) and [u/Proper\_Flamingo\_5406/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Proper_Flamingo_5406/) (Probably created more accounts but only these two are confirmed by her/him)
Some Updates can seem a little repetitive but each has new details.
​
[ORIGINAL](https://www.rareddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/opldoy/aita_for_confronting_my_friends_30f_possessive/) on [r/AmItheAsshole/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/)
AITA took my post down because it "asked for advice" so I took the "advice" and tried to call and tell my friend, Raya, 1 on 1 that her husband, S, is possessive and abusive. It was Thursday at lunch so she would be in the office and away from him. However, he picked up HER phone and told me to stop calling. I said I'd do that if she told me herself. He refused. I then told him his behavior over the 6 years we knew him was concerning and that I would call 911 if he didn't stop. I added that her family and friends agree with me and I talked about the intervention. He swore and called me a psycho and told me that I'd never see her again.
Backstory, Raya and I met in college. She met her longterm boyfriend, Jay, through me and moved to NYC. They dated for four years and were about to be married. Jay (then 27) had strippers at his bachelor party, which Raya (then 24) found out about. she was angry. to make it up to her Jay and Jennifer (mutual friend) got strippers for her hen party. She thinks watching strippers is "sleazy" so she banned them from stripping and just had them hang out with us watching movies and painting and all the stuff we planned. One of the strippers was S (then 18/19) and he was clearly obsessed with her. We thought it was funny because he was young and hot and acted kindof childish, like locking his arms around her waist the entire time or wanting her to feed him cake or draping his whole body on her even when she tried to squirm away. It was a fun night honestly. A couple of weeks later, Raya broke up with Jay for no reason even though they had been planning marriage for over a year.
Meanwhile, S asked Jennifer for Raya's info and she refused but he found out where Raya worked and more. he sat in front of their building for weeks until she came out and every time he would give her little gifts. He would follow her around everywhere. A month after Raya and Jay broke up, she went on a date with him. They got married really quickly and a couple years later they had a baby girl. he stays at home with her.
What kicked off the concerns of abuse was how possessive he was especially now that's she's pregnant again. He barely ever let her go anywhere alone. He's always calling/texting her and they have their phone locations on the entire time. They share passwords. In covid, they didn't go to a single thing even if it was social distanced. Once on zoom, she wouldn't get up bc he was asleep on her lap. when he learned in our culture we get cremated he made plans to have their ashes mixed together "so they would never be apart" When we have parties, he's always there and he is literally ALWAYS touching her. He won't even let her go to the bathroom in peace. I tried to tell Raya but now my phone is blowing up bc S told Raya's mom and mutual friends what I had done and people are split.
[UPDATE 1](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/otbtw1/should_i_34f_have_dropped_by_a_pregnant_friends/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb) on [r/relationship\_advice/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/)
I have a pregnant friend, R, (30F) who I believe is an unhealthy relationship. A few days ago, I made the mistake of confronting her abuser S (25M) over the phone and he threatened to cut off her contact with me. After a few harsh comments in person and on Reddit, I realized what I did could've put her in serious danger and that if I didn't find solid evidence of abuse, the police wouldn't believe me.
I talked with some friends of ours and they told me some alarming things. for example, R had previously told me that she and S both had trackers on their phone and open passwords because it was her idea. One friend said that it was actually S's idea and that he spread it to R's mom and friends, that are not us, because he was afraid of her being abducted. and so there are half a dozen people who know exactly where R is at all times and vice versa. So R lied to me to protect S.
Yesterday, I went to her office during lunch because a) I knew that she would be at work then and b) I knew S would not be. We work in the same building. We could talk in private and I could reassure her that I would be there for her. I was not going to talk about S's abusive behavior because than she would be defensive.
but S was there at the office with their kid. he told me to get out and said if I did something like this again he'd file a restraining order. he also threatened to tell my boss that I was quote "harassing a pregnant woman" . I wasn't going to confront him because he's been hostile to me in the past and I didn't want anything to happen to R. He demanded to know how many of our friends were planning something similar, since they had faced non-stopped harassment over the past two week from some of R's friends and family. his tantrum went on for over five minutes. In the end, I just left. I didn't even see R.
When I got home, I got a text from a friend saying that R had removed a bunch of us from her all of her sm. We had been friends for years. I tried texting her but she didn't text back. I think he blocked my number. I tried reaching out via FB messenger to R's mom (edit; and her dad but that was worse), but she saw my message and ignored it. I don't know what to do but my friends are even more worried.
[UPDATE 2](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationships/comments/pelnmn/my_34f_friends_30f_husband_25m_reported_me_to_my/) on [r/relationships/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/)
Long story short, I was concerned about my friend (30F) R and I went to her workplace during lunch only once to check up on her. Reddit got my head on straight and told me what I did was out of bounds and I realize that I was the ahole in that situation so I sent an apology to R. She accepted the apology. I thought we put the situation behind us.
On Monday, R's workplace contacted my office and said that they were reported a complaint on behalf of R. R and I work in the same industry and her company is a client of ours. S (25M) R's husband claimed that I came over to her workplace and stressed her so much she had to go into labor early. Their baby was born a few weeks ago and I have never seen it. He provided evidence showing I was there and paperwork about the premature labor. My company forced me to go on leave and I'm now the target of a workplace investigation. This is affecting my job and I could be blacklisted from the industry. I went to an employment lawyer and he said I have no case yet.
I thought that was the worst that could happen. But S has a vindictive streak and he sent my family and family friends Whatsapp messages with screenshots texts and videos and who knows what else 'exposing' my behavior. R and I are part of the same ethnic group (not comfortable saying what or where. I have received threatening and personal messages and some have accurately guessed who this is about.) and our community is very traditional. Drinking, having casual relationships, wearing skimpy clothes, hanging out with boys and more are all forbidden and looked down upon.
R and I are considered good girls but her image was shattered when she rejected her fiance and married S. R was shunned and a lot of nasty things were said about her. Our friend group had a role in it but it was mainly the older generation like our parents, aunties and uncles.
S sent videos of me drinking, of texts talking about my hookups, my bikini photos from my IG and more. The worst part was him sending videos and pictures of R's bachelorette party because I didn't even know they existed. They do not show the bridesmaids in a good light and it makes S's claim that we were making R uncomfortable through the entire night seem true. Our parents and older members of our community knew that S used to be a stripper but we kept it a secret that we hired S and others to be strippers for R's hen party.
He did not stop there. He sent texts and videos of my husband's (35M) drinking and drugs and strip clubs and 'shamful' behavior to his family. He did it to some of the bridemaids, her former fiance, and who knows. I don't know how he found the time with the newborn baby but it was clear he was planning it for a long time.
My family refuses to talk to me. My father told me that his friendship with R's father is broken because of what I did. He saw the Whatsapp screenshots of how I tried to get R to loosen up and wear more revealing clothes and drink and hook up, normal college kid stuff, but she's prudish. He saw that all the bridesmaids had helped R's fiance get strippers for R at her party. My dad screamed at me that he would have to beg R's dad for forgiveness.
My mother said I behaved shamefully and that the people back home have found out and their image is ruined. My husband has not had the same level of shunning but his parents are also furious. My life is ruined and I have no idea what to do or where to start.
TL;DR! My friend's husband reported me to my job to get me fired and sent stuff to my friends and family on Whatsapp to get me shunned from the family. I don't know what steps to take to stop him from ruining my life. I tried getting a lawyer but he said I had no case yet.
Edit: I've decided to try to sue R for emotional distress. I think I have a strong case.
[UPDATE 3](https://www.rareddit.com/r/Advice/comments/pewys7/my_34f_friends_30f_husband_25m_cyberbullied_me_by/) on [r/Advice/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/)
I went to my friend (30F) R's workplace during lunch ONCE to check up on her and talk to her about her potentially emotionally abusive relationship but I didn't get to talk to her because her husband (25M) S was there and started to yell at me. I texted an apology to R which she accepted. I thought we put the situation behind us.
On Monday, R's workplace contacted my office and said that they were reported a complaint on behalf of R. R and I work in the same industry and her company is a client of ours. S claimed that I came over to her workplace and stressed her so much she had to go into labor early. He provided evidence showing I was there and paperwork about the premature labor, but there's no evidence that I caused the premature labor (she and the baby are fine) especially since I didn't even get to talk to her and it was way after I was there. My company asked me to go on leave while they investigate.
I thought that was the worst that could happen. But S has a vindictive streak and he sent my family and family friends Whatsapp messages with screenshots texts and videos and who knows what else 'exposing' my behavior. R and I are part of the same ethnic group (not comfortable saying what or where. I have received threatening and personal messages and some have accurately guessed who this is about.) and our community is very traditional. Drinking, having casual relationships, wearing skimpy clothes, hanging out with boys and more are all forbidden and looked down upon. S sent videos of me drinking, of texts talking about my hookups, my bikini photos from my IG and more. The worst part was him sending videos and pictures of R's bachelorette party because I didn't even know they existed. He sent a lot of stuff, some of which is true and some false. S 'exposed' almost everyone in our friend group including my husband who I think blames me.
My family refuses to talk to me. My father told me that his friendship with R's father is broken because of what I did. He saw the Whatsapp screenshots of how I tried to get R to loosen up and drink and hook up, normal college kid stuff. He saw the hen party fiasco. My dad screamed at me that he would have to fall at R's dad's feet and beg him for forgiveness. My mother said I behaved shamefully and that the people back home have found out and their image is ruined. She said that all the other people were gossiping about her raising an 'Americanized' girl. Every time I pick up the phone, it's just my family yelling at me again. I've been ignoring their calls.
My career could be gone, my relationship with my family is ruined, and I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of leaving a job I love. I'm thinking of suing S, I'm thinking of asking R to rein in her husband. I'm thinking of confronting my family. I'm just lost and I don't know.
[UPDATE 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pfl8zf/aita_for_demanding_a_job_referral_from_my_friend/) on [r/AmItheAsshole/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/)
I'm under HR investigation at my job. They put me on leave since last Monday. I've been trying to find new jobs but it's difficult since the job I have now is not only prestigious, but I was in line for a promotion. If I get fired I could be blacklisted from the industry. I need to get a job in our industry before they take any action so my career isn't impacted.
The work investigation was that I went to a client company's office to meet a friend who worked at our client company. The ambiguity of the investigation is that I accessed the building (which has a number of companies and a wework space) with my card (there is also a cafe, a gym, and a lounge area in the building not specific to any one company) and I waited there but I did NOT go to my friend's company's office space. The question is whether I violated policy by simply being in the building.
My industry relies on networking to get new positions, especially if you're higher up. I asked my friend (33M) to put in a good word for me at his job but he refused. He's been distant lately and he says that he won't give me a referral. This is totally unlike him since we're very close.
I'm furious because I helped him SO MUCH. I was his first friend in college, since he was shy, insecure, and wasn't used to living on his own without his parents running his life. I tutored him, because his writing was really weak. He came to the U.S. as a teenager. I even helped him get his first job out of college by referring him and doing mock interviews and more. Like I said, it's really hard to get a job in our industry without networking and referrals.
I even helped him get his girlfriend a job (and I was the one who got them together). I even helped him through his breakup when his girlfriend left him for another guy. I got him gifts he liked, hyped him up about his career, which meant a lot since I am further along in my career, and whenever I threw parties, I made sure he was always there. My husband and I joke that if I hadn't married him, I would've married my friend.
I've done so much for him and I don't want to be entitled but feels like he's the one being entitled since he was perfectly willing to accept my help and guidance about his personal and professional career for YEARS. AITA for continuing to ask a friend for a job referral?
\_\_\_\_\_\_
Raya's ex's [Perspective](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/oorh3b/gf_30f_left_me_33m_for_a_male_stripper_at_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) ([u/Electronic-Long-1363/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Electronic-Long-1363/)) Thanks to [u/LetItBe27/](https://www.reddit.com/user/LetItBe27/) for the catch!!
I haven't used reddit before so sorry if I messed up. I don't even know where I should begin. I thought my gf and I had a good relationship. We were both business majors and met at college (20F and 23M) and we both found good jobs and moved in together.
The 4 years we were together were good a bit rocky at times but good. There were a couple discussions with boundaries. she was very defensive about her career even when I gently suggested things she should do, I was close to a coworker that my gf and mutual friends said crossed into cheating territory though I don't think so, she had unrealistic expectations about gifts and stuff from her romance novels but nothing we couldn't get past or so I thought. We were close to our families and were excelling in our careers.
We decided to get married with a simple ceremony. Arguments began coming up, mostly about the wedding and her new promotion. I had a bachelor party and my friends took me to a strip club. it's tradition. but she was kind of upset when she found out. I told her that she could go to a strip club but she said she didn't want to have people paid to pretend to like her.
I had a mutual friend (Katie) of ours arrange something. i thought she would go to a strip club like at our bachelor's party but it turns out that Katie actually got 3 or 4 male strippers that came to her apartment. According to Katie my gf was kind of angy at first but then had fun. Katie said she tried to make it more of a houseparty than a strip show because it was so uncomfortable but I don't know what to believe.
gf hit it off with a male stripper (18/19M) and all her friends said they were having a great time. Honestly, if I had known it would be male strippers, I wouldn't have asked Katie. apparently nothing inappropriate happened but two weeks later gf gave me back the ring. she said she had doubts about marriage and that boy made her feel respected and appreciated and I told her he was paid to do that. I asked if she was dumping me for him and she said no she was figuring herself out but Katie told me that he asked her out immediately after gf dumped me.
They got married a few months later. He's way too young and possessive to boot. We still have a lot of mutual friends in common and it kills me to see them together. I see her social media a lot. I reached out to gf and asked if she wanted to meet and the boy responded back with a picture of her pregnant on his lap. How do I make her understand that he's manipulating her? I told her dad and he agrees with me and we're planning to confront her this weekend but katie said it would ruin our relationship.
Edit: for those of you offended by my language "stripper boy" is our group nickname for exgf's husband. it may be crude but it's accurate and it's what all of us (even those who like him) call him.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
For those still confused about the whole mess, [u/MoonstoneDazzle/](https://www.reddit.com/user/MoonstoneDazzle/) took one for the team:
​
So I went down this rabbit hole— OP was shit to his ex, who left him at a bachelorette party. Created two fake identities— Katie, and another friend— to post the story multiple times to try and garner sympathy. He’s getting madder and madder that nobody is sympathizing, despite the breakup being six years ago. From what I can gather, he’s 33 as of his last post, and still refers to his ex’s husband as “stripper boy”. Despite the fact his ex and her husband have been together longer than OP and the ex ever were, and have a child together. OP’s employers put him on leave because he went to his ex’s workplace about her husband, using his access card from his company. He’s trying to attempt a defamation suit, but all the evidence against him is lending credit to the idea he can’t get a lawyer and is spiraling.
He condescends to her liking romance, comments that he could’ve trapped her if they’d been married and she would’ve gotten over issues or else, and that “the boy” wouldn’t have stolen her. There’s no personal responsibility and quite frankly, OP has serious mental health issues.
Just in case y’all don’t want to spend thirty minutes chasing trails to make sense of this mess. | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pfw796/op_gets_the_consequences_of_her_delusional_savior/ | pfw796 | 20,061 | 688 | [
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2021-09-01T15:29:39 | Wifes bestfriend accuses OP of cheating (Tragic update) | Relationship_Advice | This is a REPOST of the [original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pa68y8/my_wife_and_her_best_friend_accused_me_of_having/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by [ThrowRAcrib](https://www.reddit.com/u/ThrowRAcrib/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf), In r/relationship_advice
I (31M) and my wife (29F) had a baby last December. It was a traumatic birth and my wife developed postpartum depression. While she was originally going to go back to work after the birth, she's been struggling enough that we decided to wait until our daughter was a year old and reassess. She has been going to therapy weekly. With my wife home full time, I've had to work increased hours. This is something we discussed prior to making this decision and she knew this from the start.
A few weeks ago, my boss approached me about a project that would require a lot of overtime in a short amount of time. It would both be great financially and for my career. I talked to my wife about it and she agreed that I should say yes to my boss. For the four weeks I'd be working on this, my MIL and her best friend, Jessie (29F, name changed) would come help out with some of the duties that I typically do.
Jessie is a SAHM with a four year-old and a two year-old. She began coming over during the day and would watch the kids with my wife.
Three weeks into the project, it became clear that we'd need a few more weeks to get it together. I went home that night and talked to my wife about it. She said she was okay with it, but got very cold in the days after. It wasn't unusual behavior over the past few months, so I didn't think much about it and tried not to take it personally.
During the last week of the project, I got home one night and saw that Jessie was still at the house. I didn't think much about it, said hi to her and my wife, and then went to go check on our daughter. Before I could get to her room, I heard Jessie say something along the lines of, "He doesn't even stop to greet you. Definitely a sign."
I turned around and asked what it was a sign of. Immediately, my wife started crying and Jessie started accusing me of having an affair. She told me that I must hate my wife because she has PPD and am not attracted to her because she gained weight from the pregnancy. Neither of these things are true. I'm trying my best to help my wife through her PPD while supporting our family. And I think she looks great how she is right now, she just hasn't wanted to have sex and I haven't pushed.
Jessie then demanded to see my phone. I told her no. She told me that's a sign that I'm guilty. I told my wife that I would let her see my phone if she wanted to. She nodded and something inside me broke. I guess it was the thought that she actually believed I was having an affair really got to me. And that she didn't trust me after everything we've been through.
Well, she looked through the phone and there was no evidence. Jessie started saying that I deleted the evidence. She started screaming and woke up our daughter, so I told her to get out of the house. Eventually, she left and I went to calm our daughter since my wife was still on the couch crying.
When my daughter was asleep again, I sat down by my wife and tried to talk to her about what's been happening. She told me that she's been worried ever since I started working all the overtime. I told her that we'd talked about how good of an opportunity it was and she agreed to letting me take on this project. She said it was very suspicious to increase the length of the project. I told her that sometimes that happens. She wanted more evidence, so I showed her messages and emails with timestamps from work and paystubs showing the OT. She said she believed me and was sorry for doubting me, it was just that Jessie had been telling her that these were all signs that I was cheating. I asked her why she believed Jessie more than me, and why she didn't come to me with her concerns. She didn't have a real answer.
It's been a couple weeks and the project is over. I actually scaled back and am trying to work a little less than I was before the project so I can spend more time with my wife and daughter. But I feel so burnt out trying to do everything and becoming resentful because in the back of my mind, I know that my wife doesn't trust me. I ask myself, what happens the next time I have a project? Or I have to run errands one day? Or if I have a business trip? Am I going to come back every time to accusations that I'm cheating?
I've tried bringing it up a couple times but my wife tells me it's not the time and that she's tired or sad. I try to be mindful of her feelings but I wonder if that means that I can never have any of my own.
I'm not sure what to do here. Any advice for how I can move forward?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pcu6sk/update_my_wife_and_her_best_friend_accused_me_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Thank you to everyone for all of the advice and support on my previous post. I think a lot of you pointed out what should have been obvious, that I need to get a therapist and start looking after my own mental health. A couple people asked for an update, so I'm giving one, but it's not happy.
That night I approached my wife and told her that I was going to find a therapist. I didn't connect it to her accusations or anything, just said that I was having a tough time and needed therapy. She shrugged and told me to do whatever.
Next day, I got home from work and our room and my home office were ripped apart. Things everywhere. Important papers scattered. I don't see her but our daughter's in her room crying... My wife left her alone, her cell phone's off. I call my in-laws and a few friends, but no one's seen her. I'm starting to get worried and I call my mom to see if she can babysit while I go out and look for her.
Before my mom can get home, my wife gets back -- Jessie's driving. Jessie doesn't come in (she hasn't been back in the house since I kicked her out because she was "offended" by my behavior) but my wife does. She's clearly upset, been crying. I ask what happened. I thought at first the house might have been robbed. She starts screaming at me that I'm being unfaithful and that the therapy is a front so I can meet my mistress. I try to calm her down and tell her that's not true, but she came at me and she hit me. My nose is broken.
She kind of realized what she did and sat down on the couch and went comatose, just stared at the wall. I went into my daughter's room and locked the door. Called my mom to tell her what happened (she was already on her way) and my MIL to ask her to come over and take care of my wife. I packed a bag for my daughter and when my mom got there, we left. My wife didn't even look up. We dropped my daughter off with my dad and then went to urgent care for my nose. I got blood all over my mom's new Subaru.
My daughter and I are staying with my parents for a while and my wife's staying with hers. I am looking into getting a restraining order against Jessie.
My wife and I are separating. I love her but I won't live with someone who hurts me and who could potentially hurt our daughter. I am not going forward with a divorce yet, with the hopes that my wife will get the treatment she needs and we can work things out. My in-laws told me that they're looking at in-patient treatment at a local hospital. But I also have everything well documented in case of an eventual custody battle.
My heart's broken because I know this isn't my wife, this is a sickness in her mind. But I need to keep myself and our daughter safe and give her the space to recover. I'm hoping that this is the right decision.
Thanks again everyone.
Edit: Thank you all for your feedback. I've talked to my parents after reading your comments and came to the conclusion that for my daughter's protection, I need to file a police report. I am headed to the station now.
[Recent Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pfumfn/do_i_let_the_woman_i_fault_with_my_wifes_death/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Do I let the woman I fault with my wife's death let her speak at her funeral?
TL;DR: A woman fed lies to my wife, suffering from postpartum depression, that led to a mental breakdown and her death. She now wants to speak at my wife's funeral. Denying her would start trouble, which I'm not sure would be worth it.
There's more context for this situation in my post history.
My wife passed on early Monday morning. Convinced by her friend Jessie that I was having an affair that I did not have, she had a mental break, which resulted in my taking our infant daughter and staying with my parents for a while. She was with her parents, who planned on taking her to the hospital for in-patient treatment on Monday.
On Sunday night she came to my parents' house and demanded I give her our daughter. Because she had left her alone for several hours the last time she was responsible for her and had gotten physical with me, I refused. I offered to let her come in and spend time with her while my parents and I were present, but she didn't want to come in and wanted to take our daughter with her. She was upset but left eventually. A few hours later, she drove her parents' car into a tree and died.
The friend, Jessie, came to see my daughter and me yesterday. After some tears, she told me that she was planning to speak at my wife's funeral. She had already cleared it with my in-laws but was letting me know as a courtesy. I told her she would not be speaking at the funeral. We fought and she left after telling me that I was an asshole and not the only person who loved my wife.
I talked to my in-laws who are adamant that Jessie be allowed to speak. She and my wife knew each other since they were kids and my in-laws are close to her. We're all very fragile right now and I fear that pushing this further would hurt my relationship with my in-laws, which I don't want. Still, the thought of seeing Jessie up there at my wife's funeral makes me feel sick. I don't think I can stand to listen to her, knowing that she took joy in my wife's deteriorating mental health and picked up my wife, leaving my daughter home alone.
That being said, I don't trust myself to make the best decisions right now. My mind's clouded by grief, guilt, and fear. My parents are split on what to do and I don't have the energy to reach out to my friends. So I'm coming here again to ask for your advice.
Thank you. | Downelius | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pfw8nx/wifes_bestfriend_accuses_op_of_cheating_tragic/ | pfw8nx | 10,650 | 1,930 | [
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2021-09-01T21:51:48 | Long-distance girlfriend [28F] has close male friend who likes her, I'm [28M] wondering what to do [wholesome update] | Relationships | **Original post:** [**Long-distance girlfriend \[28F\] has close male friend who likes her, I'm \[28M\] wondering what to do**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4kjh1o/longdistance_girlfriend_28f_has_close_male_friend/)
My girlfriend is righteous, fair, and caring to the extreme. She wouldn't hurt a fly. Case in point, I once killed an ant that was on the table and she actually cried, with real tears. Because she cares, and because she can't see any being, no matter which one, be in pain.
Now, on to my issue: we're in a long distance relationship, and there's this guy at her work that is really, desperately in love with her in my opinion. It started out as them becoming running partners while she was preparing for a marathon. They run together 3 times a week, before work. And long runs at that, sometimes 20-30k. They talk a lot during those and got to know each other.
Then they hang out at work. They eat together and talk more. They are both kind of foodies (actually that's one of the special things between me and her), so they exchange things they cooked, for example jam in exchange for honey, homemade bread, things like that.
Then sometimes they go to parties together, though as far as I know, he's invited her a couple of times and she's always declined to go to a party just with him. If they are at a party together, it's because it's a group thing and they belong to the same group of people. Anyway, they go to parties and I think they hang out nicely there too.
Lastly, although she declines to go party one on one with him, they do hang out together on sunday afternoons and the like.
So, I'm 100% sure that this guy is super into her. He does everything he can to hang out with her. Now on to her side.
She wouldn't hurt me. I was wondering for a while whether she was capable of cheating behind my back and not telling me -- in other words, her version of "not hurting me". But I'm pretty sure that's not an option, because:
1. we see each other often, every 2 weeks, and it's miraculously amazing every single time. Mind blowing. Never seen such synergy in any couple. Everything: the conversation, the love, the activities we do, the sex, absolutely everything.
2. we talk on the phone all the time. Every single evening. There's literally no available time in which she could actually cheat on me - unless they meet from 4am to 6am or something ridiculous like that.
3. she's pretty blunt. I don't think she would hide something like that. She's not the type to be afraid to break up. I think if she felt like it she'd just do it, because it would feel "right".
Having said all this, I don't know what to do. Just like I'm 100% sure that the guy would love to be in a couple with her, I think she is also not indifferent and she would definitely go for it if she weren't with me. They're a pretty good match, they have similar backgrounds, more similar than her and I, they work at the same place and like hanging out at the same spots, they speak the same language (whereas with me she has to speak in English - none of us are native). He's a cool guy, young, smart, sportsy, he's got a lot going for him.
It's a funny situation: on the one hand, it's super awesome to have a girl that's so true to you. I'm really sure she's not cheating. That's not the problem here. On the other hand, I'm also pretty damn sure that if we weren't together, she'd be with that guy. It would just make absolutely no sense to *not* be with him. So the question is, is that an OK situation? Could one see it as her just keeping the guy as a backup in case we break up, and is that an OK thing to do? Is it an indication that I'm not showing her enough proof of my affection, and she believes there's a possibility of breakup?
Alternatively, she's somewhat naive about many things. Is it actually possible that she doesn't notice anything, that she really thinks they're just friends and he has no special intentions?
On the possibility that she's afraid of a breakup and keeps him a backup, unfortunately I can't go much further with our current situation to give her a promise of security: we're long distance so I wouldn't do anything crazy like proposing to her when we've never lived together. I guess the only reasonable thing I could do is quit my job and move to her city, but I love my job so much and I'm doing so well at it that it would be really hard for me to do that. Note that for the eventual plan, when we'd move in together, we would go to a city where I can keep working for the same company. There are many such cities, but sadly the one she lives in is not one of those where we have an office.
I almost feel bad because they'd be such a great couple - I feel like I should just make it easy for her and let her be with that guy, be done with the long distance, let them be married in their city and have a happy life together. With me, we have another 1-2 years of long distance to get through, and then we'd probably have to both move to another city to be together... We've talked a lot about it, we're both okay with that plan, we both can't wait to move in together, but when you take a step back it would just make so much more sense for them to be together instead.
I guess sometimes love does strange things. I don't know if I should bring this up to her at all, as I said, nothing bad is actually happening at the moment. I just want to avoid that in 1 year she suddenly has a change of heart and goes with him, and we all realize we lost 1 year of our lives. And frankly if that happens the two of them would still be fine, but the biggest loser would be me, since I'd be all alone and I'd have to start everything over. The stupidest part is that this wouldn't be a question at all if we lived in the same city, because then she'd obviously spend all her time with me and she wouldn't have this enormous amount of time spent with this other guy.
I don't know what to do. I'm happy with her, and she's happy with me. I just don't want to wake up one day and realize it was all a waste. I'm in my prime years now, I won't be anymore in 2-3 years.
Edit: maybe a reasonable thing to do would be to talk to the guy? There aren't many opportunities for me to do so, but he might be at a "gathering" that we're going to attend next weekend (sorry, don't wanna give too many details).
**tl;dr**: long-distance girlfriend has male friend who's really into her and they spend lots of time together. She's not cheating physically, but what's the best thing to do?
**Update:** [**Update after 5 years: Long-distance girlfriend \[28F\] has close male friend who likes her, I'm \[28M\] wondering what to do**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/pfzrlo/update_after_5_years_longdistance_girlfriend_28f/)
Original post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4kjh1o/longdistance\_girlfriend\_28f\_has\_close\_male\_friend/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4kjh1o/longdistance_girlfriend_28f_has_close_male_friend/)
TL;DR: 5 years ago, my girlfriend was really close with this guy. It made me feel terrible. I brought it up with her and here's what happened.
I brought up the topic and she was super cool about it. She was surprised and she said that it was just friendship on her side. However, she went up to the guy and asked him if he saw things the same way. He said he didn't -- he was actually into her. So, she told him that she's with me and that they need to stop hanging out. It was never an issue after that -- we still met him at a few parties, but it didn't make me feel bad at all.
Reading the old post made me smile. It felt like a big issue back then, but she solved it so swiftly. I'm really thankful to her! We've had the most wonderful relationship since then (and even before then). We're 33 years old now and still going strong together. We moved in together a couple of years ago and it's been amazing living together, traveling together, being together all the time. She's still so sweet, I love her with the bottom of my heart, and it's obvious she loves me too.
You never know how these things will turn out, but ours is a story to fill your hearts with hope and love!
PS: now I'll delete the password to this throwaway and any reference to it on my computer. It feels nice to close the loop :). | catbert359 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pg3yqh/longdistance_girlfriend_28f_has_close_male_friend/ | pg3yqh | 8,330 | 639 | [
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2021-09-02T00:49:59 | OP is told she should wear a brat at the gym by random. Guy doesn't take a hint and keeps bugging her. Good ending! | AITA | *This is a repost. Original was posted in* r/AITA
[AITA for telling another gym member to wear a bra?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p7iuom/aita_for_telling_another_gym_member_to_wear_a_bra/)
I (25f) fucking hate wearing bras. They're uncomfortable, constricting, and expensive. With work from home, I spent the last year and a half basically never wearing a bra and got used to it. Quite frankly, my boobs are nonexistent anyways.
I recently started going to the gym again and started working out braless. I should note that up until now, no one has ever pointed out anything wrong with me not wearing a bra. However, in the middle of a set of squats (yes, MID SQUAT), a guy comes up to me, taps me on the shoulder to get my attention, and tells me that my nipples are poking through my shirt. I get really irritated because why tf is this guy staring at my nipples in the first place and then stopping me mid-set to inform me?
I get really annoyed, try to finish my set, but then this fucker literally grabs the bar, as I ascend and re-racks it for me. He claimed it looked like I was having trouble with the last rep, and that he had come over to make sure I could do it, then noticed my nipples. I'm really fucking pissed off at this point and told him I didn't need his help finishing my set and why the fuck was he looking at my chest in the first place?? He said he was going to spot me, but then noticed my chest and thought it'd be inappropriate.
I pointed out that the safety bar was set, so even if I did fail the set, he wasn't needed. But he just insisted people at gyms look out for each other, and that going forward, I should probably wear a bra so other people wouldn't get uncomfortable and that it may help me stay more balanced in my squats. I'm literally the only girl at the weights section of the gym at the moment, and other guys who were squatting and failed sets never have to worry about this shit. I've seen guys fail multiple sets in a row and no one ever rushes to their aid, but I have a very slight pause, and everyone thinks I need rescuing. So I'm now really annoyed and also kind of uncomfortable that this guy I've never spoken to in my life thinks he's helping me and then has the audacity to tell me how to dress.
So I tell him "You have bigger boobs and nipples than I do. Maybe YOU should wear a bra so people won't get uncomfortable and you won't fail your squats." He then got really defensive, saying he was just trying to help, then called me a bitch. Honestly I'm not sure if I overreacted, but I'm still kind of pissed off so maybe that's clouding my judgment. AITA?
Edit to add: I'm not sure if people think I'm walking around and it's extremely obvious my nipples are showing. I actually really hate constricting clothes. My t-shirt size is x-small but I wear size large to the gym (and pretty much everywhere lately), and you can't tell my stomach from my chest. My nipples might've been showing a little more while squatting because I was wearing a lifting belt.
\--------------------------------------------
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pg5bdq/update_aita_for_telling_another_gym_member_to/)
Thanks so much for all the feedback on my [OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p7iuom/aita_for_telling_another_gym_member_to_wear_a_bra/). A couple people said it was just a validation post, but tbh after you go off on someone like that publicly, getting a lot of attention, you kind of do feel like an asshole, even when you feel it's justified, so yeah.
I finally did start wearing bras again, and not at all because of this incident, but because I'd been dealing with depression that made me not really try to get dressed in general (not just at the gym), and "dressing for success" has been a small way to try to get myself back into a better place mentally.
Anyways, the guy goes to the gym roughly the same time I do most days, so unfortunately, I did have to see him again. Even though I really wanted to grab his bar out of fake concern while he was squatting, I mostly ignored him. Until two days ago.
I was deadlifting, and recording myself to check my form. The guy comes over and says something like "You know sumo is cheating right?" I get this comment a lot, mostly from men half joking, and it's annoying, but I just completely ignore him. He repeats it a little louder, and I continue to ignore him. I guess he sees that I was recording myself because then he asks if I have an Instagram (I don't post my lifts on Insta) and if he could follow me. I keep ignoring him.
Finally, he says something like "see your form is so much better now that you're wearing a bra." And I fucking lost it again. I screamed at him that he's a disgusting, harassing piece of shit (honestly I don't remember exactly what I said but it was, admittedly, very vulgar and got a lot of attention). A worker came over and asked if something was wrong, and I said that the guy was sexually harassing me for two weeks and asked to speak to a manager.
The guy denied it and said he was just trying to help, and that I was being sensitive. But either way, the manager asked what was going on and got both our stories. Because I had been recording my lifts, I actually had a video of him where he commented on my bra, so the manager gave him a 30 day ban and told me that if he ever bothered me again to let her know, and she would permanently ban him.
So I feel kind of vindicated, but I also feel a little frustrated that just one man actually saw consequences for this kind of behavior towards women in the gym. It's nice to see someone have repercussions for their actions, but it's also exhausting dealing with this kind of thing constantly at the gym, even if it isn't quite as overt. But I guess I'll have to keep calm and lift on. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pg73n1/op_is_told_she_should_wear_a_brat_at_the_gym_by/ | pg73n1 | 5,847 | 1,236 | [
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2021-09-02T00:50:34 | AITA for telling another gym member to wear a bra? + UPDATE | null | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pg73zr/aita_for_telling_another_gym_member_to_wear_a_bra/ | pg73zr | 9 | 25 | [
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2021-09-02T02:02:42 | OP discovers his girlfriend is stalking him, Redditors help diagnose her | Relationship_Advice | A reminder that I am not the original poster
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pc95f2/i_found_weird_information_about_myself_on_my)
**I found weird information about myself on my girlfriends laptop.**
It’s a word document of information about myself. Things such as what time I get out of bed, what time I sleep, when I eat, what time I shower, when I take my medication, what time I leave the apartment, when I enter and just a whole bunch of other weird information about myself. What freaks me out is she isn’t even home when I do most of those things and I don’t recall mentioning this information to her.
I’m getting a real iffy feeling about this. I want to talk to her about it, but I don’t know how to go about it.
Edit: thanks for the responses. I will ask her in the morning about her odd behaviour.
Edit: for those of you asking our ages, she’s 25 and I’m 23.
The age of the document I discovered is nearly a month old.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pg34b1/update_i_found_out_why_my_girlfriend_has_been/)
I made a post the other day about my girlfriend's obsessive documentation of my routine. As some of you suggested, she does indeed have schizophrenia.
The following day I asked her why she's been stalking me, to which so responds with, “what have you done to him” at this point, I knew she's not right in the head and called an ambulance.
At the hospital, the doctor told me she has schizophrenia, and one of her delusions was that the real me was dead and the current me was an imposter. Because she believed I'm an imposter, she put cameras everywhere to determine if anything about me is out of character, which would prove to her that I'm not the real me.
She's being treated now, but she's going to have to live with this illness for the rest of her life, unfortunately. Would you please share your experiences of schizophrenia or psychosis if you can so I can know how to best support her?
I want to thank every one of you for your advice and support. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pg8bdm/op_discovers_his_girlfriend_is_stalking_him/ | pg8bdm | 2,052 | 746 | [
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2021-09-02T08:47:37 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pgdx7n/deleted_by_user/ | pgdx7n | 9 | 1,025 | [
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2021-09-02T13:26:44 | I live in California and have been paying my rent on time and just got a notice to vacate premises within 3 days | LegalAdvice | OP u/iRosay
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/pa7hh3/i\_live\_in\_california\_and\_have\_been\_paying\_my\_rent/?utm\_medium=android\_app&utm\_source=share](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/pa7hh3/i_live_in_california_and_have_been_paying_my_rent/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who has offered advice on how to move forward or advice on what my rights are. I have currently emailed the new landlord that we are planning on staying for the remainder of our lease but are open to negotiating a cash for keys option. I let them know we have spoken with a lawyer and are going to send our lease agreement over as well as requesting somewhere to send our rent to.
What happened was the property owner got foreclosed on because of not paying ANYTHING for the house (mortgage, taxes, etc). We notified the property management company that we were receiving notices that the house was in possible foreclosure and auction as we were getting notices here since late June/early July. So I doubt the property management company was clueless.
Original:
Apparently my house that I've been renting since April just went in to foreclosure and sold at auction and we never knew about it because our landlord/landowner stopped paying everything on the house. So a new realty company or something just bought the house and has given us a notice to vacate within 3 days.
What can I do? This is super unexpected and I just started the school semester. I have no idea what's going on. What are my rights? Do I have really 3 days to vacate?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/pgedm6/update\_i\_live\_in\_california\_and\_have\_been\_paying/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/pgedm6/update_i_live_in_california_and_have_been_paying/)
[Original Thread Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/pa7hh3/i_live_in_california_and_have_been_paying_my_rent/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Quick recap: My previous landlord was foreclosed on 5 months in to our lease. New landlord who purchased the property we are renting issued us a notice to vacate within 3 days.
Contacted the new landlord telling them I know my rights as a tenant and would like to stay the remainder of the lease or would be up to negotiating a cash for keys option (at the advice of some of the users on here 😁). Was immediately told that wouldn't be possible because our lease was "fraudulent" and we had to leave asap or they would contact the police.
At the advice of multiple people on this sub, I contacted my university (which I attend) who got me in contact with multiple resources. Ended up applying for my city's EPP (eviction protection program) who assigned an attorney that specializes in Tenancy law to me free of charge.
My awesome attorney managed to resolve the entire matter within a week! Basically told me the new landlords had NO CASE and were more than likely trying to bully me out of my lease. She gathered all of the legal paperwork regarding the ownership of the property and who signed my lease and spoke with the new landlords attorney who basically agreed 100% (bet the new landlords are pissed 😂).
Ended up getting the new landlords to sign paperwork that same day saying they'd honor our lease. Although, I'm not feeling too comfortable after this entire shit show, so I'll be considering a cash for keys option to find a new place to live (don't want to stay in a potentially hostile tenancy environment).
Basically, my attorney is a badass and I'll be getting her and her team a gift of gratitude! 😁 Try to show your attorney's some love! | splyfrede | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pghv65/i_live_in_california_and_have_been_paying_my_rent/ | pghv65 | 3,650 | 790 | [
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2021-09-02T16:39:55 | AITA for kicking my boyfriend out over my cat? | AITA | *This is a repost. I am not the author.*
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p9o57i/aita_for_kicking_my_boyfriend_out_over_my_cat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by [u/catwoesthrowaway](https://www.reddit.com/user/catwoesthrowaway/)
For context, my (24F) boyfriend (30M) and I recently moved in together. It’s something we’ve been talking about, and when his lease ended he moved into my apartment.
I have a cat, Millie, who is my baby girl that I’ve had since she was a kitten. Back when my BF and I first started dating, he made the joke that if we were ever going to live together, he’d have to “get rid of that cat”, which I dismissed at the time.
When he would come over he would ignore Millie, making jokes about how cats are stuck up, how much he’s a dog person. Again, I dismissed this, bc he never acted hostile towards her. I figured it was just a preference.
When we started to get serious about moving in, he asked if I would consider giving her away, bc he didn’t like the idea of living with a cat. I almost laughed before realizing he was serious. I told him that under no circumstances would I get rid of my cat. I felt guilty about being unwilling to compromise, but he actually took it well, and reassured me that if she was this important to me, he’d get over it.
Fast forward to last night. I don’t think he realized I was in the kitchen when he came home. Millie was on the couch and I heard him go into the room and give this sigh.
Before I could call out, I heard him say “You’re so fucking worthless.”
It terrified me, because I’ve never ever heard him speak with such malice. He sounded like a different person. It was just so cold and hostile that I panicked, and rushed out there to see him looking at Millie.
Here’s where I might be the asshole. I completely freaked out. I was yelling asking what he thought he was doing talking to her like that? He jumped and I scooped Millie up and told him to leave my apartment right now.
He looked so stunned and started to argue, asking where was he supposed to go? I told him that I don’t care, he just needs to leave.
He was pissed and said he was going for a drive and slammed the door behind him. I immediately started sobbing and holding Millie. I was shaking and she could tell I was upset and kept cuddling me. She calmed me down, and later when he text asking if he could come back, I said yes.
I put Millie in the bedroom so we could talk. We were both a lot calmer, and I felt awful after he explained his side. I’ll often call Millie little names and he said he was just trying to be playfully mean too and misjudged his tone. But he said it felt awful that I chose a cat over him, and that I called it “my” apartment when it’s supposed to be our place. He told me he was constantly feeling second best to Millie, who I wouldn’t even consider rehoming, and I had thrown him out over an animal when he’s a person.
I explained to him how much he means to me, and apologized for ever making him feel like this wasn’t his home.
I think I might have overreacted, but I just don’t know. He’s my boyfriend and she’s something I keep refusing to compromise on. But I also don’t believe that he just misjudged his tone. AITA?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pgipko/update_aita_for_kicking_my_boyfriend_out_over_my/)
First of all-wow!! I did not expect the flood of supportive comments, messages, and awards. I tried to respond to as many messages as I could (at least the ones that weren’t wildly hateful), but I genuinely appreciated all of the kind words and concern for me and Millie.
Everybody’s comments were extremely eye opening. I felt sick to my stomach reading about people afraid for Millie….and it had already crossed my mind honestly. Making that post validated all the fears that I had kept dismissing as dramatic, and it was almost a relief to be encouraged by strangers to do something I had previously been too afraid to do.
We broke up. It’s my apartment, he wasn’t on the lease yet, and he’s going to go stay with his brother. Had to read around about gaslighting, and my sisters would agree with all of you about that one😅
It was hard to lose somebody I trusted and thought I knew well, but based on his reaction I knew I made the right call. He essentially told me that if I couldn’t learn to put other humans before my cat, I’d be alone for a very long time, and that he’d be waiting for me to reach out.
Millie doesn’t deserve to just be tolerated, she deserves to be safe and treated like the little princess she is by anybody I live with. She’s seen me through so much, and I’d rather be alone than her wandering around the side of the road somewhere. And I am absolutely terrified of her ever being hurt-it isnt worth the risk. I’m okay with it being just her and I for now.
Thanks everybody for the advice!! | qwerty98765432101 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pgljjv/aita_for_kicking_my_boyfriend_out_over_my_cat/ | pgljjv | 4,906 | 1,122 | [
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2021-09-02T19:22:16 | My wife’s (30F) family still don’t believe my assault after all these years and still think I (30M) cheated on her | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. I am not the OP.*
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pbj9t2/my_wifes_30f_family_still_dont_believe_my_assault/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by u/ThrowRAwifefamily
**My wife’s (30F) family still don’t believe my assault after all these years and still think I (30M) cheated on her**
This happened almost 4 years ago. It still seems to be an issue for them. Even though the people who were responsible for what happened are behind bars.
My (30M) assault resulted in a pregnancy. I got sole custody of my son after he was born. My wife and I raise him together. He is so precious, my wife absolutely loves him to pieces and he’s my whole world. Honestly he was the best thing to come out of what happened. Her family gave me a lot of crap during this time. They were so sure I made it all up and this was just to cover that the woman who assaulted me was “the mistress.” Makes me sick thinking about it. My wife cut them out since they wouldn’t listen. Only judged me for something I had no control over, making me feel like shit for “ruining their daughter’s life having her raise my affair child.”
My wife’s father died from covid last year. After that her family wanted contact again because they realized how short life is. They apologized to both of us. And expressed interest in meeting our son. After all this time I was grateful they came around, I know she didn’t like to admit it but my wife missed her family. They were great to us before this. Only I’m finding out now they don’t actually accept me. Her sister approached me recently and said they are only making amends because they don’t want to miss out on more of my wife’s life even if it means having to tolerate a fucking asshole like me -her exact words- so I shouldn’t think this means they’re okay with me now. Her sister said they will always hate me for what I did to my wife and don’t expect anything from them. That made me hit an all time low. I was depressed the rest of the day. They still think I’m a cheater, will only tolerate me and my son for my wife’s sake. My wife doesn’t know about any of this. I’m not sure if I should tell her. We’ve spent so many years no contact with them because they didn’t believe what happened to me.
But now she has her family back after losing her dad. I don’t know if it would be right to take that away. What should I do?
​
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pgjo5i/update_my_wifes_30f_family_still_dont_believe_my/)
In the end I told my wife the truth about what her sister told me the night I made this post. Many of you had a point and I couldn’t keep something important like this from her. She’s my rock, I love her with all my heart and I am/will always be beyond grateful for all the support she’s given me. I just wished I could give her this (having her family in her life) after everything she’s done and sacrificed for me. It’s sad that that couldn’t be the case. My wife was extremely pissed ofc. She was ready to take names but I asked her to please give it some time. Cool off before she talks to any of them. Some of you pointed this out and I told her the same thing; that we don’t know if it’s just her sister who feels this way or the whole family.
Last Friday she talked to them. Got confirmation that unfortunately wasn’t just her sister. The entire family still doesn’t believe that I was assaulted and that my son was a result from that. All the talk her sister made about “tolerating” me and my son for the sake of being in my wife’s life again. My wife was so sooo angry when she got home. They told her to accept they’re always going to hold my “infidelity” against me and will never understand why she believes this narrative but they are willing to set those feelings aside to have a relationship with her again. My wife told me she decided she’s not going to see them again. Even with the compromise I mentioned (and was said in previous comments) about her still having some form of contact w them, just not me and my son. She doesn’t want that. And says she’s done trying with them. We spent the night hugging and crying. Just because she was angry doesn’t mean she also wasn’t hurt about making this decision. We were down for days and then decided to take some days off from work. It was a spontaneous trip idea. We rented a hotel room a couple hours away and stayed there about 3 days with my son. We just hit the beach most days, went out to eat and stuff. Our son had the time of his life and you know what, it was worth it.
We definitely needed that time. Just got back last night and I’ll be honest we both feel very recharged. It was a wonderful time that came from a shitty situation. Hope we can get better eventually. Thank you for the lovely support and the push I needed to be honest with my wife 🙏🏻 | Kheldarson | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pgorh1/my_wifes_30f_family_still_dont_believe_my_assault/ | pgorh1 | 4,964 | 1,111 | [
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2021-09-03T11:03:39 | Am I the asshole for straightening my daughters hair without my wife’s permission? | AITA | *I am not OP.* [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pgt58h/aita_for_straightening_my_daughters_hair_without/) *is from AITA*
I (male 32) have a four year old daughter. Let’s call her Gracie. Gracie is half black, her mother (female 31) being African American. Her mother over all handled all of Gracie’s hair care and taught me how to do simple styles but even those “simple” styles were difficult.
My wife ended up going on a vacation with her friends to celebrate her friends birthday and my mother came over to visit. I hadn’t done Gracie’s in a few days so it became nappy and unmanageable. When I tried to comb her hair the comb broke. My mother said that I should get my daughter a perm so her hair would be more manageable so I took her to a salon and got it permed.
My wife got home and when she saw our daughter she was livid. She screamed at me and then at my mother for even suggesting that but I think she’s overreacting because it’s just hair. Then she brought up our wedding. My mother had tried to get my wife to straighten her hair for the wedding but my wife refused because she wanted her natural hair on her wedding day so she could be as natural as possible.
My mother often comments on my wife’s and daughters hair and I agree with my mother. But now my wife’s telling me that perms chemically burn and damage hair to change the texture and that I “damaged” our daughters hair. Now she’s thinking of getting our daughters hair cut so her hair can “heal from the damages” but I still think she’s overreacting. Besides, I don’t want my daughters hair to be cut. She looks so cute now.
Am I the asshole for straightening my daughters hair without my wife’s permission even though Gracie is my daughter too?
**Edit:**
I’ve read the comments and came to a realization about my marriage and my wife and now I just feel horrible. My wife’s mentioned in passing about her childhood and was always vague about it but after overhearing a conversation between her and my mother in law I just realized how much I truly messed up.
My wife is dark skinned and tall and she got bullied for that along with her hair. She went to a predominately white school in bogalusa and that made her hate herself and her looks for a while. My god my wording was horrible too. My wife is beautiful and so is my daughter and their hair isn’t a problem. I’m the problem and so is my mother.
After hearing my wife’s conversations about me and my mother I realized that my mothers a bully and I’m just a drone/follower. My mother constantly picked on my wife and I just stood by and blindly agreed because she’s my mom. But that woman who I married is my wife and I should have protected her from… my own ignorance and my mothers ignorance.
I took something she took pride in and belittled it. I was too lazy to learn and took my mothers advice. Hell my mothers said so many cruel things that I didn’t think twice of until reading these comments. She’d always make sure my daughter didn’t play outside when she’d go over her house because she didn’t want her to be darker like her mother and that comment made me uncomfortable but I took it as a weird joke.
I’m cutting my mother off and I’m going to apologize to my wife and daughter and start watching hair tutorials again. I’m also going to sign up for a hair braiding class when the pandemic has slowed down once more. God I’m a horrible husband and father. When my wife is willing to talk to (I won’t force her) I’ll apologize and if she wants to leave me over this it’ll hurt like hell but I’ll understand. I’ve just pushed her to the sidelines for so long and couldn’t even see it.
I am the asshole. The biggest asshole here.
**Edit 2:**
I just got off the phone with my mother. My wife listened in on the phone call, I didn’t realize she was in the living room with me until she put her hand on my shoulder during the call. My mother is well, livid. She freaked out on me and threatened to call CPS When I told her I didn’t want her coming around my wife and daughter and refused to even try to understand what we did wrong.
Then I mentioned the damage that the perm could cause to my daughter, (I read a small article by a black owned hair care company about childhood perm horror stories along with the history behind perms and I’m just… disgusted with myself and my mother) and my mother said my wife was being a drama queen. When I told her my daughter might need a hair cut behind this she flipped out and said “I won’t let my grand daughter look like a bull d\*ke!” And I was mortified.
She said she’s take my daughter from me and my wife and raise her the way god intended. That caused a screaming match. My wife put her hand on my shoulder in the midst of it and took the phone from home and told my mother if she comes to our home again the police will be called and then she hung up. I put our baby to bed and then we talked. My daughter and wife are beautiful and I don’t understand how for the life of me I thought those horrible things.
Maybe it was like that snl sketch “diet racism.” Hearing those things from your parent and just blindly listening no matter how horrible it sounds. My wife is still mad at me (rightfully so) but she told me she isn’t leaving me over this. She said I have a lot to learn and that if I want this relationship to last I need to open my eyes and realize that the world I live in is different from the one she lives in and different from the world our daughter will live in.
Im horrified at myself and horrified at my mother. My father called a few moments ago but I ignored the call. I’ll talk to him in the morning about this. Thank you all for talking some sense into me and I thanked my wife for staying with me even though she doesn’t have to. Tomorrow we are asking our baby girl if she wants a hair cut. Knowing her she’ll want to get one like her uncle.
He has these cool designs shaved into hide head. If she wants that she can have that. She’s my world and I refuse to ever be this ignorant and harmful to her again.
**Final edit:**
my wife and I arranged for our daughter to spend the night at my mother in laws house and couples therapy will be in the near future. The comments sections have certainly given me many perspectives of how horrible my words and actions are. I won’t be doing any more replies or edits because this is a throw away account. I think that’s the right term for this. My mother has called the house multiple times from my sisters phone. My sister is 25 and lives for drama so now the whole family on my mothers side is blowing up my phone with many mixed opinions… most of which are horrible.
It’s funny, the only family member who’s opinion reflects this comment sections common consensus is the one who was disowned a few months ago. Well actually that’s not funny. It shows how messed up my family is. Thank you all for these reply’s no matter how “harsh” or “mean” they might seem, I needed this. | _BlondeQuestions_ | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ph2yic/am_i_the_asshole_for_straightening_my_daughters/ | ph2yic | 6,971 | 1,306 | [
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2021-09-03T14:57:18 | "I have officially branded myself as the biggest perv... and I 100% deserve it..." - With a satisfying update | TIFU | *This is a repost.* [The original post is in the comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/bpr2iy/tifu_i_have_officially_branded_myself_as_the/eo0xr41/?context=3) *(original post was deleted)* *is by* [u/Taway1234123491121](https://www.reddit.com/user/Taway1234123491121/)
This happened an hour ago, and I’m still shaking in fear about how my life will now become from now on....
There’s 2 “situations” that leads to the conclusion of the FU.
First situation:
Asked sister-in-law to borrow her 360 pocket camera for a trip wife and I are soon vacationing to.
Found out the memory card still had content.
Her husband travels a lot, and she made a 1-hour POV style 360 “porn” video, assuming sent to him a while back.
I’ve had the hots for her for the past 8+ years. Before she got married and I have, there were several times sexual tensions arose between the two of us. Living together for a year as strictly roommates, movies, dinners, getting drunk while watching movies just the two of us, breakfasts, etc.
A certain trust (or test?) was implemented and nothing ever happened between the two of us, as at the time I was dating my now wife which was working at a distance. But damn it at the time if she just had touched my hand once back then, I think I would have lived a whole different life.
So finding this video... I thought I struck gold, I could have what I’ve always fantasized about, “gifting my past self”, while living my happy current life.
Second accident:
I have an automated house that lights up the house with geolocation. Before the app worked with Apple HomeKit, a third party app needed to be downloaded which tracks your family and friends. Free version only allows you to add 1 person, so my wife.
Wife and I have had this app for 3 years now even if it’s useless now after an app update a couple years back on the original app. We never deleted it since it was so useful for tracking each other using notifications. I get a notification when she’s at work and when I arrive at work, we also both get notifications when one arrives home. Good for times where she does groceries for example and I get a notification to prompt me to go out and help her out. Or when I work late and finally leave the office prompting her to set-up the dining table.
Last night she fell asleep without charging her phone. I hate when she does that, today she goes to work with barely any battery, what if she needs to call the police or hospital for an emergency?
I have the day off today, today was the day I’d do the “deed”. I don’t only go with simple 360 video.... but literally set it up on my VR headset in bed with AirPods on. The whole experience.
This would have lasted me tops 5 mins.
But the “foreplay” she does, is long and boring. Then the action starts and I go on.
Wife’s phone didn’t give a notification as she arrived, because of her now dead phone.
She comes to the bedroom to see me master bating in bed with VR goggles on.
She knows I masterbate occasionally but never saw me do it, I sneak it in here and there.
But VR porn was never “discussed” as an “is it cheating if....” thing. You know the convo I’m talking about, “is it cheating if you have a sex doll”, “is it cheating if it’s a robot”, “is it cheating if you put a pleasure toy on and someone from across the Internet strokes you in real time”, etc...
It was the type of convo we’d have at the very start of our relationship when we were still friends 10 years ago, to see how far one could take it. Weird I know, but let’s say it was one of these pre-game convos to see if we’re on the same page before things started getting serious. Pre-game convos were not only about sex by the way.
Anyways, VR wasn’t a “thing” back then so was never discussed. So I never knew if it was “right” or “wrong” for me to do so. I guess it was “wrong” since she rushed in and ripped the goggles from my face. That’s when I see her in the room.
“The fuck??” she says.
Then she looks inside.
“Is that my sister?!?!”
I’m fucked.
She still had her shoes on from arriving. So she just grabbed her bag WITH the VR headset and left the house.
Seeing from the tracking app... she’s at her parents house.... which are neighbours of the sister-in-law.
I’m fucked.
TL;DR: Masterbated in VR with sister-in-law’s 360 porn video, got caught in the act, now feeling out of body experience and don’t know what’s going to happen.
​
[**Update by the OOP**](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/bpr2iy/tifu_i_have_officially_branded_myself_as_the/eo19h0x/?context=3) ***(Was deleted but copied in the comments)***
So basically this is what happened tonight... once my wife arrived at her parents house, that’s when I received notification her phone was back on and charging. Some people asked about the app, it’s called Life360, it also gives battery percentage notifications when it runs low or when phone is back on.
I was already typing the long story on Reddit when suddenly that notification appeared, which I last minute checked and wrote she was at her parents house before posting.
So basically... after posting... after feeling a “bit” better by “telling someone” and having a bit of weight off my shoulders... I was pacing around the apartment while trying to give her calls after calls but it kept saying her phone was busy...
This went on for 45 mins, or forever, couldn’t focus on the time. All of a sudden the sister-in-law calls. I ignored... I was way too scared to face this. She called 5 times in a row while I just watched it ringing, then she gave up. Then just a text saying “Call me”. I left the apartment and decided to go watch a movie at the theatre, needed to get distracted, which didn’t help as I didn’t focus once on Detective Pikachu.
I received a call from my wife during the movie but I ignored. She knows I have an Apple Watch and I receive all notifications, so she knows I was ignoring. She only called once. Sister-in-law 3 more times during the movie. I left the theatre and decided to go back home....
On the drive back I received notification she arrived home. Now I was petrified... but my out of body experience just told me “fuck it, suck it up. Just get it over with it”
Arrived home... was getting ready for the shit storm about to happen. That out of body experience came back really quickly to reality as I got to the door and then had that fear again... I know she got notification I was back....
I get in the house, and both wife and sister-in-law are in the living-room on the couch.
I didn’t say anything. Wanted one of them to speak first. What if I said “sorry” but there was nothing to be “sorry” about? At this point I was trying to gauge the mood. I’m not for confrontations or leading conversations, I’m very introverted. But I know I should be the first to say “sorry”.... but didn’t know how.
Wife then says “I spoke to sister-in-law about what happened. She knows.”
Fucked up in the head of a me, out of reflex says “knows what?”
She says “don’t lie, the video”.
I was red flushed I’m sure. My heart was beating so fast.
Then wife said she has deleted the video.
This is when I apologized to both of them... so very very much. Almost crying. I saw all the Reddit comments about divorce and all, and I was really upset at myself, but deserved it, but not.... but yes... but no....
Then sister-in-law speaks... she says “you do understand this video wasn’t for you”, then she goes on for 10 minutes to tell me what I already know. I was wrong. I kept nodding.
But then this drama comes out that fucked with me, she said that it wasn’t for her husband neither. He’s been constantly traveling to Bulgaria voluntarily at any chance he could for work, but also through the years he’s been having an affair with a colleague there which works at that branch. She knew for a while and let it slide as he was still providing for sister-in-law. But the providing became less and less, wife knew too about this as she and her sister are so close, but the info was kept within the family to avoid dishonor. This is a big eastern mentality to have... and it’s not the first time family info was kept secret from me. But now they told me because of the circumstance, I was told NOT to apologize or speak to her husband as he does not know about this video.
Sister-in-law is seeing someone else, her husband and her both live as roommates “for now”. The divorce word can never go out, but she’s found someone long-distance and that video was for HIM. The reasons for all the calls was to not mention anything to her husband, sister-in-law feared that if I did, then this video would have been proof held during divorce process as if SHE was at fault.
It was a very emotional afternoon... I felt like throwing up many times. The focus was more on sister-in-law and her life though, and her shame for having kept her relationship going as long as it has, the guy is barely leaving any money on the side for her anymore so she’s been sleeping more and more at her parents house.
Me obtaining the video didn’t come up more than once. I don’t know if it was because it was too embarrassing for everyone or what. But it will come up another day for sure... maybe after everyone has relaxed and tears dried. I’ll have an honest conversation with my wife about my wrong doings and also include if VR porn is fine or not.
For tonight, my wife invited sister-in-law to stay and sleep-over. We got some food and drank a few bottles of wine to make us forget a bit, although it felt awkward as fuck. Sister-in-law seemed to be feeling better... she was smiling and laughing and slapping my shoulder or kicking me under the table every time I made a joke. She seemed more open with me now I was one of the people to know her secret, she could trust and talk to if she needs.
We will all 3 sleep in sleeping bags in the living-room like camping to keep her company during this tough time for her.
Wife seemed ok for now too.
​
[***UPDATED by the OOP's wife***](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/bpr2iy/tifu_i_have_officially_branded_myself_as_the/)
This is his now ex-wife.
Did he not realize, or too dumb to remember we share everything, including the same Reddit app? I logged on to see this throwaway as the default login account.
I’ve removed all of this personal story for my family’s protection and changed this account’s password. Although it might be too late and already circulated online.
I took a look through the comments and was seriously disgusted by most of the responses suggesting to sexually approach both of us last night. Which my sister did mention he tried something in the middle of the night, this guy is incredibly living in another world!
I’m only posting this to reassure everyone thinking he got away with it, that these types of scumbags DO NOT.
I came home yesterday with my sister to pack my shit. I saw his update saying I seemed alright, but I was keeping it in for the next morning.
Reason we slept in the living-room is because I didn’t want him to see my bags in the corner of the bedroom, he came home suddenly before I finished packing. It wasn’t “fun camping” or a “picnic”.
This morning, before he woke-up, we grabbed the rest of my stuff and left.
I went to the bank and froze our joint account before he irresponsibly starts taking cash out.
I’m not seeing him anymore, going to lawyer up, give away all this Reddit gold to the comments that I feel were actually reasonable, and divorce his ass.
Oh, and if you can read this, I’ve deleted the tracking app ;) my lawyer will call you to unfreeze your share and take the steps to unlink me from any other tracking apps you might have on me.
TL;DR: His life is ruined. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ph6t6m/i_have_officially_branded_myself_as_the_biggest/ | ph6t6m | 11,740 | 549 | [
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2021-09-03T16:52:25 | [AITA] AITA for telling my friend's husband he's an a*hole? | AITA | *This is a repost, I am not OP*
[**Original post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pch99w/aita_for_telling_my_friends_husband_hes_an_ahole/)
​
***OOP posts her story on AITA***
Back story: My (f43) friend (f41) and I have known each other for 20 years. We have been really close friends to the point where we have a close connection even to our respective parents and so on.
Six years ago she met her now husband (m41) and him and me never got along. Mostly due to the fact that our personalities don't match. We have at least tried to keep it cordial for the sake of my friend. But things has happened along the way that has securely put him in the a\*hole category IMO.
For example when ther son (m5) was born my friend almost had a brake down due to the fact that her husband did nothing at home. She took care of their son, the dog, cleaned, cooked, did the garden and so on. My friend has a history of mental issues so she did not cope with the pressure. His reaction was to buy her flowers twice and tell her he thought it would be a good idea to start making child nr 2. He has this idea that the husband should work and bring home the money and the wife should handle everything else.
Important to know is that he was heavily in debt when they met. Where I live, if you don't make an effort to pay your debts the government will step in and take a % of your wages. This happened to him which means they are living mostly on what she makes as a nurse.
At the same time he thinks it's important for everyone to think they are well off. So new cars, house in a good part of town, expensive clothes for him and so on. This puts a lot of pressure on my friend to make as much money as she can.
So yesterday she came to visit me. It was the first time we met since the pandemic and we had a really good time. Her parents were babysitting her son so she could relax and we had so much to talk about.
Then her husband calls and starts yelling at her because she apparently agreed to work extra night shifts. This means he needs to take care of their son and he wasn't happy. She tried to explain that they needed the money. But then he decided to use guilt and yeld at her, so I could hear, that she was a bad mom for doing this and abandoned her family.
My friend started crying and I got furious and took the phone from her and told him that he's an a*hole that thinks he's this bigg deal of a man but he can't even provide for his family and instead bullies his wife for stepping up. I also told him that if he didn't get his s*it together and apologise to my friend I would call her father and tell him how she was getting treated.
So obviously that didn't go well. He told me I was the a\*hole and to not concern my self whit their relationship. My friend ended up going home to se if she could calm him down.
Now I'm worried that I made my friends situation worse and that her husband will bully her even worse. AITA for overstepping?
​
**Updates us around a day later**
Thanks for all the different viewpoints, I really appreciate it.
So I have texted with my friend today. I basically apologised if I overstepped but that I'm here for here and that I'm worried for her. She answered and said that I had nothing to apologise for, things had been heated when she got home but she calmed him down. Her husband had told her he thinks she shouldn't talk to me anymore. But she said she will continue. She told me that he has asked her to stop talking to other friends in the past and she often have complied but she doesn't want to let me go. So I said, controlling my temper and not calling him an asshole, that I will always be there for her. No matter what happens or how long we go without talking, if she ever needs anything I'm just a phone call or text away.
But this got me seriously worried so I did call her dad (m83). Some things to know about her dad: He is the definition of a kind and loving dad. They live in a smallish town and he is a well known businessman whit connections. He and her mother (f79) own the house my friend and her husband lives in since they couldn't get a loan due to his finances.
So I vall her father and tell him what has happened and that I'm worried about her. He goes and get his wife so we have a conference call all three of us. I also tell them things that has happened in the past that might be relevant for them to know in this situation.
Apparently they have been worried for my friend as well. They have felt something was wrong but when they asked my friend she said everything was OK. But now when they had something concrete to go on they will deal with it.
The plan was to let her sister babysit my friends son tonight so that her parents can talk to both her and her husband. I said that if they needed me for anything at all just to let me know.
So overall I feel a bit hopeful.
​
**And then posts, for now, one final update**
I have just talked to my friend. Her parents had talked to her first and said that if she wanted to leave him she and the son could stay in the house and they would help her in whatever way they could.
But she doesn't want to opt out of the marriage so her parents waited with her until her husband came home and then they had a serious talk with both of them. Her parents have set up a number of rules and if they are not meet the husband are no longer welcome to live at the house. As I understand it these are the rules:
1. He can't live there for the next week. My friends mom will stay with her until the Monday of the week after next. During this time he is welcome to visit his son and to get things he need and so on, as long as her mom is at the house when he is there.
2. In order to move back home he has to prove that he has taken steps to get help from a licensed therapist. He needs to go to therapy until otherwise agreed on. Her parents will pay for this.
3. My friend also needs to start therapy to work on her self-esteem. Her parents will pay for this as well. When both their therapists agree it's okay they should also start in couples therapy.
4. If he tries to isolate her from friends or family he will be asked to leave. 5 If he is abusive in any form towards her or their son he will be asked to leave.
5. He can't make any financial decisions that effect their shared finances. He will not have access to their credit or debit cards but will have access to a monthly budget for things he might need.
If the rules aren't followed he will be asked to leave, my friend's dad will have a talk with the husbands boss (it was her dad that got him the job) and her dad will also inform the proper authorities about him trying to scam his way about of paying his debt.
My friend said that her husband seems fine with everything except the therapy (he isn't a "therapy person") and to limit his spending ( he's the man of the house). But my friend feels it's a good start and that's it's nice to have clear rules that she can live by and that are easy for her to know when he crosses.
Her dad will watch her son to morrow so she, her mother, sister and my mother and me will have a girls day with home spa, boardgames and girl talk.
I hope this will end up being something positive. | IzzyLyss | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ph92wu/aita_aita_for_telling_my_friends_husband_hes_an/ | ph92wu | 7,266 | 815 | [
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2021-09-03T18:26:29 | Boss called employee and pretended to be from Child Protective Services | AskAManager | https://www.askamanager.org/2018/10/meal-trains-for-coworkers-in-crisis-i-have-more-experience-than-my-resume-indicates-and-more.html
2. Boss called employee and pretended to be from Child Protective Services
I am writing this on behalf of a friend, who I’ll call Wendy. Wendy works for a company that provides daycare, a perk for her. By all accounts, she seems to be a decent mom. One day at work, she received a call claiming to be from Child Protective Services accusing her of abuse and neglect. She was on the verge of a breakdown when the caller laughed and revealed herself to be her boss, Winnifred. Winnifred laughed over the “joke.”
Wendy was shaken and disturbed, and wound up mentioning it to another coworker. Winnifred later called Wendy to her office and wrote her up for gossiping and taking the incident so seriously. Wendy has been advised to go to HR, but fears to do so due to possible retaliation. Could Wendy be fired for escalating this?
*In theory, yes. In practice, it’s very unlikely, especially since HR is highly likely to intervene once they know the situation. The bigger risk is that she’ll face more subtle retaliation from her boss.*
*But she should go to HR anyway, because this is so egregious. It’s disgusting and outrageous that Winnifred played this “joke” in the first place (although I hesitate to call it a joke because there’s nothing funny about scaring the crap out of someone and making them think their child could be taken away from them). But the fact that Winnifred then took formal action against Wendy for being upset about it takes this from “very bad” to “truly villainous.” If Wendy’s HR people are at all decent, she shouldn’t hesitate to tell them what happened.*
Update: https://www.askamanager.org/2018/12/updates-the-boss-who-pretended-to-be-from-child-protective-services-and-more.html
1. Boss called employee and pretended to be from Child Protective Services (#2 at the link)
While I insisted Wendy read your answer as well as the comments, I return with the underwhelming fact that Wendy let the entire incident slide with a nary a peep to anyone, saying she didn’t want to cause a fuss. She continued her job hunt and recently received a good offer.
But, ah, the universe is not so boring as that and I have more interesting news regarding said offer. The offer called Wendy’s workplace to get a reference (not from Winnifred) and Other Boss decided to take a look at her file… and stumbled upon the rather odd write-up involving gossiping over a bizarre prank.
Winnifred has been fired and hopefully the rest will all live happily ever after. | 9shadowcat9 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/phawd2/boss_called_employee_and_pretended_to_be_from/ | phawd2 | 2,620 | 1,041 | [
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2021-09-04T04:57:30 | Op wants to take care of her husband *Happy Update* | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost, I am not OP.*
*u/*[throwRA412942](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwRA412942/)
Both of our families were abusive, but in drastically different ways, because my husband is a man and I'm a woman. They believed in the same ideology, and the culmination of it was my husband and I being forced into marriage when he was 18 and I was 16 (legal here). We barely spoke before the wedding but after we married, my husband informed me that he disagreed with all of the beliefs our families upheld and wanted to get away. We had to bide our time but eventually succeeded. Once we were safe my husband paid for me to go back to school and to have therapy. He insisted on splitting housework evenly and helping me with our kids, despite our upbringing ingraining into him that all of this was my job. Once I completed my education he said if I wanted to do a degree he would support me. Any and all attempts by me at thanking him were met with him telling me that thanks aren't necessary because he loves me or that I have more than repaid him by being his wife and mother of his children.
It's been a decade since we got married and I finally have a paying job that I got with my degree, and he still won't accept so much as a thank you. As I'm about to have money coming in, I told him I was going to put half of it into our joint account, like he does, to help out with expenses, and he said that it's my money, so if I do that he'll just transfer it back to me. I said I want to contribute and he said I already contribute, despite the fact I'm only doing half of the housework and childcare and he's paying for everything. My concern is that he's spent so long taking care of me, and now I'm in a position to repay him for that love and kindness, but he's worried I'll think of it as me owing him and we'll end up back in the roles we fought so hard to escape from.
How can I take care of him without him trying to stop me?
​
Not much to update tbh. The resolution was nothing dramatic but there was a resolution that I thought I'd share. I sent the kids on a sleepover for the night and Husband and I got the chance to talk. We figured out that the real reason he doesn't want to take money from me is that he is terrified of being like his father, my father, or the other men he was raised to take after, who were abusive to their wives and children. He wants me to have my income all to myself, so if at any point I need to leave him I can take the kids and go without worrying about money. After a lot of reassurance that I'm not going anywhere, we agreed that he will have therapy. He has had therapy previously but struggled with it a lot and eventually stopped going, so he's agreed to stick with it this time. We also agreed that I could pay for the non-daily essentials, like the parking permit, clothing for the kids, extracurriculars, things we need but don't have to pay for regularly, so I can feel like I'm contributing but still set the majority of my salary aside, and I'll chip in for the fun stuff eg holidays and gifts, but he will continue to pay for the other stuff, partly due to his feelings on this, and partly because he just makes a lot more money than I do. | cherry5462 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/phl87w/op_wants_to_take_care_of_her_husband_happy_update/ | phl87w | 3,215 | 986 | [
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2021-09-04T07:46:37 | OP finds a hidden message years later (TIFU) | TIFU | This is a repost. The [original](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/pgwhx5/tifu_by_finding_a_hidding_message_years_later/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb) was posted by u/throwawayacc78883fy
Five Years ago, there was this cute girl, in my tennis club. She was very shy and would barely talk. Her Bestfriend kept telling me that she likes me, but I never believed her, and since the girl would always avoid talking to me I didn't even bother to make a move. We were at a summer camp, making origamis. She then nervously came up to me, and handed me an origami and said here I made this one for you.
Didn't think much of it, now 5 years later I still have this Origami on my night desk. I'm going to move out in a few days, I was packing my stuff, I saw the Origami on the night shelve and picked it up. I noticed a little writing on the inside of the Origami. I didn't want to spoil the Origami, but I eventually did.
It was actually a little note. It said I really like your freckles, and you're very kind below was her number. Now I do feel very very dumb, not really because I missed the chance, but because she must have thought all this time that I ignored her etc. We still follow eachother on instagram, but Idk if I should hit her up. I just want to punch my face into the wall, I missed such a great opportunity, should have listened to her friend :/
Btw I'm 22 rn I'm not quite sure how old she ist but I think 20-21. TL:DR
UPDATE
It's currently 11 o'clock. I send her a message on Instagram, she replied. We chatted for a bit, and then it was sort of awkard, I explained to her how I just found the message, and that I thought it was a nice gesture. Surprisingly she was quite ecxited and happy, didn't expected that. She immediately asked me, If I wanted to get coffe today at around 17 o'clock.
I'm not sure If I'll be able to go today, since I'm still at the hospital, and they're taking soo long, but if I do I'll definitely keep you guys updated on how it went.
(Plus, Never realized how much of an impact a compliment could have, personnaly I never liked my freckles, since they basically cover my whole face, and I never met someone who liked them either. Knowing that someone thinks they look good honestly made my day. Just wanted to share)
UPDATE
We met an hour earlier than expected, luckily I got out of hospital in time. The weather was nice, so we decided to meet at the parc, and bought Iced coffe. While I was texting with her a few hours prior, she sounded really confident etc, but when I met her, she was still super shy. She was very nice, but yeah didn't talk much. A few hours In she did start to open up a bit and get talkative. We went to an Asian resturant, ( All you can eat). And damn I must say, she really took All you can eat to another level, she understood the assignment, and was out there trying every dish, I think the waitresses where on the edge of kicking us out lol.
Afterwards, she didn't seem shy anymore, we went over to my place, and y'all I honestly need to shit so bad, but I can't. Anyways we're currently watching a movie, and her head is on my shoulder, that's a good sign I guess. I need to put my phone away now.
Btw her Bestfriend texted me saying I told ya, didn't I? | SameFuckingBlood | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/phna9x/op_finds_a_hidden_message_years_later_tifu/ | phna9x | 3,250 | 1,051 | [
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2021-09-04T12:19:18 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/phqj3w/deleted_by_user/ | phqj3w | 9 | 386 | [
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2021-09-04T12:31:30 | OP was in an abusive relationship and wanted to stay with boyfriend while her family and friends were against it. It took her a while, but it's all good now - original post was 3 years ago. | Relationships | *This is a repost. Original by* [*u/captainvnderpants*](https://www.reddit.com/user/captainvnderpants/) *in* r/relationships
​
[Somewhat ex partner (23M) was abusive, he's sorry, family and friends hate him and think I (21F) should completely cut him off](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/8p5j45/somewhat_ex_partner_23m_was_abusive_hes_sorry/)
This is my first relationship. My (ex?) partner, W, and I have been together for a little over a year. It's been a rough relationship; he hadn't gotten over his ex (the girl before me) of four years so he had spent the first year comparing me to her ("she's just like you in this regard", "she has the exact same bag", "she made the girlfriend role an intellectually stimulating one, talking to you is like talking to a brick wall", etc). Once, he put down my body by calling it childish, and another time told me when he was drunk that he sometimes compared me to porn and the white girls he had slept with (I'm Asian and tiny). Every "argument" we've had has been caused by me getting upset by something he said, and him arguing that I had no right to be upset because while he agreed that what he said was assholish, at least he was honest with me about it and hoped we could have a civil discussion about how to go about it.
My mental health has deteriorated since and I was put on antidepressants. Naturally that meant I was a private nuisance. My friends and family blame him for everything and told me to completely cut him out of my life.
I talked to him and he was truly remorseful of everything he did. I know he is. He's so guilty of treating me like shit that he's fallen into a pithole himself and has tried to commit suicide several times because if he can't have me, his life is meaningless. I've had to talk him out of it, had to immediately drop everything and run over to his side. I pushed him to get professional help which he did, but it's not working for him. My family thinks he's being manipulative and is lying to me. I've gotten into arguments with my friends because they think I should leave him alone and make him stand up on his own, but the only person who would actually stick by his side when he's having a meltdown is me (I know his friends and family, and his friends are superficial and his family is problematic).
It's been about a month. We're still talking regularly, he's still breaking down regularly. Meanwhile I have been compartmentalizing everything to function like a normal human being, because my mother's been here to visit me in college (read: take care of me) for a month now and had not taken kindly to the breakdown I had in front of her ("you don't deserve to feel like shit, I had it worse than you, pull yourself together", and then she left me crying on the floor). My mom thinks he's the devil incarnate and that he's to blame for my state of mind. I know he's not completely to blame because I've had a rough childhood and some deaths I never got over, but again, that conversation lead to "I had it worse than you, you don't deserve to feel like shit".
So here I am, trying to please everyone but failing spectacularly. I love W, he loves me and is genuinely apologetic and has changed considerably. He knows everything that's going on on my side and agrees, but he told me that he can't promise me that he'll stay alive for long.
I don't know how to go on from here haha. I guess I'll list down a few questions and thoughts that I have:
1. Where's the line between forgiving someone for mistakes made, and not forgiving at all? How do you determine what's "reasonable" to forgive?
2. I really don't want to have to sneak behind people's backs like this.
3. The logical answer is to just go cold turkey and forget him, but how do you do that when both parties love each other and will see each other regularly in class after the summer?
Sorry for the rant ahaha I'm just really lost and on the verge of melting.
Thank you so much for reading this far, I would really appreciate your thoughts.
Tl;dr - somewhat ex partner was abusive to me, my mental health took a dive, he's genuinely sorry for everything and wants to fix things, family and friends hate him and think I should completely cut him off but we still love each other.
\--------------
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/phpdbb/update_somewhat_ex_partner_23m_was_abusive_hes/)
*(Tl;dr of original: my first boyfriend was a piece of shit, but I felt conflicted about leaving because I was still naively enamored and afraid of his suicidal tendencies)*
So it's been a little over 3 years and I wasn't sure if I should write an update because my story isn't really sensational or relevant, but leaving that post open-ended has always bugged me so this update is more for me to tie up loose ends.
Reading the original after so long was maddening because I was such an idiot for putting up with that manipulative POS. But if anything, it was a begrudgingly valuable lesson to learn about toxic behaviors in relationships.
I'm ashamed to say that I stuck with him for another year in an off-on relationship, because one month he wanted to be with me, the next month he wanted to fool around with others, and the next I was the best thing he could have... I'm sorry to the people who advised me to leave immediately. But by then I had mostly checked out; in the final break (that was sparked by him saying that the emotional movie we had just watched reminded him of his ex before me), I left with dry eyes and blocked him everywhere. I heard from the grapevine that he struggled with his mental health for a while, but I moved on with my life and focused on my studies (which already suffered enough). I went for counseling, slowly eased off my antidepressants with my doctor's permission, and felt more like my old self. I ended up catching feelings for an old friend, and we've been together ever since! He's been unbelievably patient with me and my insecurities, which I'm very thankful for.
Thinking back, I feel so foolish for staying with my shitty ex for so long to the point where I lost all sense of myself. Before him, I thought that I was the kind of person who wouldn't take any bullshit, but that period of my life proved me wrong. For a while I also questioned my old college circle for still being close to him, even though they saw what he did to me - but I realized it was healthier to let it go and let them go.
Side note: one of the comments on my original post mentioned that my "grin and bear it" attitude wasn't healthy and my mom's reaction to my last mental meltdown wasn't ok. I appreciate that - I talked about it with my best friends, and I think parents' disregard for mental health problems is something most Asians would understand. It's not ok, but I don't hold that moment against her. I love her, but I now know to keep my non-physical issues from family.
Recently, someone from my old college circle told me that my ex introduced his new girlfriend to them, and the amount of anger I felt shocked me - I didn't realize just how much hatred I had built up towards him. I wanted him to stay miserably single and unhappy with life forever as punishment for breaking me, which is not something a mature person should feel. I hope I reach that point soon. Knowing him, he probably told his girlfriend that I'm just a psycho ex, like the ex before me, and the ex before her. For the new girlfriend's sake, I hope he's changed.
Anyway, I've since graduated and am now a corporate slave. My boyfriend and I are still as happy as the day we got together, much to our friends' disgust. I'm still not exactly where I want to be, but I'm glad I'm here.
Thanks for reading!
Tl;dr got out of a toxic relationship, improved myself, fell in love again, and am in a better place. All is well. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/phqpds/op_was_in_an_abusive_relationship_and_wanted_to/ | phqpds | 7,851 | 488 | [
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2021-09-04T17:49:08 | Can we have some moderation around believability? | META | This may only be me as these posts get upvoted, but can we have some moderation around the super fake stories?
I like this sub but there's been quite a few posts lately that are blatantly fake and the OP even acknowledges they're obviously fake but...posts here anyway? How is it a best update if it's just more creative writing?
I'm not sure if people don't care they're fake or what, but I'm personally here for real stories with real updates, not updates to someone's creative writing exercises.
Obviously that's up to interpretation which would make it hard to moderate, but when almost all of the comments are calling it out as blatantly fake IMO it doesn't belong here - but I could be off base if people are liking the updates despite being so blatantly not real.
No offense to the OP of the post - but the contract post from a 'woman' obviously written by a male incel is the straw currently breaking my back. | Drew00013 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/phw6mf/can_we_have_some_moderation_around_believability/ | phw6mf | 922 | 828 | [
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2021-09-04T21:21:39 | Thinking if I (36M) should leave my wife (36F) because she openly resents our son (7) + UPDATE | Relationship_Advice | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pcxgra/thinking_if_i_36m_should_leave_my_wife_36f/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by u/ThrowRAthinkingleave
Neither of us were sure about having kids. We were married 5 years before finding out she was pregnant. Both nervous as hell but in the end, she wanted to try having the baby and I agreed. It was hard at first. Parenthood is in general but I love my son. He’s wonderful, smart, energetic and warms my heart. My wife for the most part was great with him. Occasionally we both would get burned out and find some time to have date nights or individual free time.
Over a year ago before lockdown, my wife started becoming very irritated over anything he’d do. Accidentally spill a little apple juice on the counter she’d yell at him like if he’d just destroyed a family heirloom. It was something that happened every now and then but we’d talk about it, and she would apologize to him.
Pandemic was really rough. We both had our jobs, just were working from home and our son wasn’t in school. At first I thought the frustration came from being cooped up at home and not being able to go out. My son’s been going to school again for months, and we’re all back to going out. Things haven’t improved.
Finally had a sit down with my wife because no matter what mood she’s in- she could be happy and smiling - but when my son comes in her mood shifts. And I notice it more now. My wife has told me that for the longest time, she’s resented having our son. Motherhood isn’t what she thought it was going to be and missed it only being the two of us. She didn’t expect her life to be this way with a child, and she regrets having him at all. It was a hard conversation to have but one we really needed to. I’ve talked to her about getting therapy (individual, couples, or both) whatever it takes. She’s refused because she claims she doesn’t need help.
We have tried going on more date nights, being a couple if she feels like we’re not getting enough of that. Have her spend some more one on one time with him (which she doesn’t want to do). It doesn’t matter, as soon as we get home and in our son’s presence she’s more serious. I asked her once does she love him. My wife says that she does, just doesn’t like him. That was painful. I want to work on this with her, get therapy. She doesn’t want to. Whats pushing me to wanna leave is because my son is starting to pick up on this. No 7 year old kid should be asking why mom’s always mad at him. I love my wife but I’m scared of him growing up with someone who doesn’t like him. Is this really it? Is the next best thing to leave or is there any way to get her to understand I cant have our son living like this?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/phw7vb/update_thinking_if_i_36m_should_leave_my_wife_36f/)
Well it’s been a hard few days but it happened. Didn’t want it to but it needed to. I took my son out of there. Trying to talk with my wife about this a couple days after posting this got us nowhere. Even if therapy wasn’t going to be the miracle that makes her want to be a mother to our son, I told her it wouldn’t hurt to have somewhere to talk about her feelings. Get to the core of why she feels this way and if maybe there’s a way to work on it so that it wouldn’t have a deep impact on how she is with him.
She refused. And I asked her does she ever think it will get better. As in does my wife believe she could see herself caring for him and being what he needs at all in the future. The answer wasn’t going to determine if I left or not but that’s something I just wanted to know for myself. She said no. When I told her that it’s not going to work out between us because his well-being comes first she begged me to stay. All these promises of not treating him negatively and putting on a face for him but still will not do therapy at all because she doesn’t “need” help. Then all of a sudden she gets angry. And to get out then if I only just want to be with my son. It was heartbreaking. We ended up leaving since she didn’t want to leave the apartment. He was still half asleep when we left so all I’ve told him so far is we’re just taking a short vacation. He believes it since we’re staying at a hotel for now but he does keep asking about her. I’m trying my best to keep it together for him, my hearts still broken though. I hate that it had to end like this. But many of you were right, and I know this too. He had to come first and this was already messing him up. I know it was the right choice. Feels like my life just came to a hard stop. And I’m just trying to get my bearings still.
She hasn’t contacted me since we left. My family is aware of what’s happening though so I’m glad to have their support. My sister offered to have my son spend the weekend with them so he could be with his cousins. Since he’s not here right now I decided to use some of my free time to type this up. Thank you for being the push I needed to do something . Deep down I know it was what needed to be done. Guess just needed it to be said. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/phzy84/thinking_if_i_36m_should_leave_my_wife_36f/ | phzy84 | 5,133 | 2,249 | [
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2021-09-05T19:35:11 | OP comes home from month-long trip to find her roommate has switched their rooms. Turns out Roomie's abusive boyfriend forcefully moved himself in and made the switch. | Relationships | #Original Post
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/6e6hge/ive_f25_returned_from_a_month_long_trip_and_my/
Hi there. I'm writing this on a throwaway because to be honest I never thought I'd need to post here but what can you do.
So I moved into this flat about 8 months ago. I met "Lana" online on a roommate website, and we clicked well. She's a bit younger but seemed mature. We quickly agreed to be roommates (both of us were under time constraints to find a place to live) but have got on really well so far (up until this).
Our flat is a two bedroom, and to be frank, my room is clearly the better one. It's bigger and has built in wardrobes. When looking for the flat, I found the place first on my own and put down a deposit to take it off the market while I found another roommate. The flat was perfect, cheap rent and my aunt manages the property, so I was keen to snap it up before anyone else did. The area it's in is popular so I wasn't really worried about not finding someone to room with.
Because of the above and that I was there first, I took the bigger room naturally. When showing potential roommates (including Lana) round, I was sure to show the smaller room and say "this would be your room".
We moved in 8 months ago, and it's been happy families. Never heard Lana complain about her room. Because I have about 6x the wardrobe space that she does, I told her she's welcome to store her off season clothes in there, or whatever she wants to store, as long as she's not popping in every morning to get dressed. She was happy with this.
Just over a month ago, I went travelling. Now I'm not the biggest fan of having people in my room, but I told Lana if she had someone stay (her sister, friends from home) they could sleep in my bed. She said thanks, and as she's been such a great roommate and rarely has guests except her boyfriend, I didn't worry at all.
I came back yesterday. I was exhausted from the flight and travelling, and just wanted to shower and sleep. As I walked in Lana was in the living room with her boyfriend. We said hello and hugged, had a very quick catch up, blah blah. Then I dragged my suitcase to my room, opened the door and found it full of stuff that was not mine. I kind of yelled "what the fuck?" and briefly thought I was so jetlagged I was confused, but opened the door to Lana's room and saw all my stuff.
I walked into the living room and asked Lana what was going on and she said "Oh sorry, I forgot to mention, we put my stuff in your room just because it's bigger and you weren't here and you said I could use it." I was honestly so tired I could have passed out then, so I probably wasn't in the best state, and told her to move it all back immediately. She said they were in the middle of making dinner and I looked tired so I should have a sleep. Her boyfriend then said "And anyway, you pay the same rent so isn't it fair that you both get the big room at some point." I was getting really frustrated and could feel tears welling up (hysterical from lack of sleep) so I just said "We'll deal with this tomorrow, and it's getting moved back" and then I went to sleep in not my room.
I've woken up now and I'm so pissed off. Lana's at work so I can't talk to her but what should I do when she's home? I feel like this is going to turn into an argument, I don't think it'll be as simple as "okay let's swap now you're home."
tl;dr: I went travelling for a month and told my roommate she could use my room for guests if needed. While I was gone she swapped all our stuff and moved into my much bigger and better bedroom. Never had a problem with her before but she doesn't seem like she's planning on swapping back. What do I do when I speak to her after work?
EDIT: I've taken the advice of most people on this thread and moved my stuff back. It's taken hours and I'm knackered but I think if I left it another night it would be a real problem. I sent her a text when I was almost done (incase she kicked up a shitstorm and came home) to say "Hi Lana! Hope you're having a nice day at work. Just to let you know I'm moving my stuff back into my room, didn't want you coming home and walking into the wrong one! :)" (Yes I'm petty.)
I'll be talking to her when she gets in because this is out of character for her, to the point of it being bizarre. She's never been anything but a model roommate, so I'm gonna give her a chance before we're donezo. If she wants to be reasonable and have a chat about rent portions I'm happy to do that. She's never had a problem with the rent before, and honestly I've never had uneven rent amounts in any place I've ever lived (whether I had a bigger room or smaller room) but a lot of people here are saying it's the norm so I'm open to talking about it if she's not ridiculous.
EDIT 2: Lana should be home in a bit. I'll update when I can.
EDIT 3: Hi everyone, I've got about a million messages asking for an update but last night was a bit mad and I'm still pretty jetlagged so sorry but I went to sleep. Anyway, here we go.
So as you know, I text Lana to tell her I moved my stuff back. She didn't reply to me, fine whatever, but she didn't kick off so I figured we were okay. I told my Aunt what had happened, who was as baffled as all of you, and I told her it was probably all sorted, just keeping her in the loop. I also told my boyfriend, who works about 5 mins down the road. He offered to come round, incase Lana's boyfriend came round, but I told him not to because then we're ganging up on Lana. He insisted on going for a "coffee" with his mate a couple roads away incase we needed backup. Which is a bit ridiculous but very cute of him.
So I did get myself a glass of wine while waiting for Lana, not because I was nervous I just like wine, and she came home. I was sat in the living room and gave her a very cold "hi" when she walked in. She sort of froze, bag in hand, and her eyes darted between me and my/not her/our bedroom door. She blurted "did you do it!?" and I said "what, move the rooms back? Yeah of course." and her eyes went all wide and she dropped her bag and ran into the bathroom. I could hear her talking on the phone so I was like yipeeeee I guess Tom's coming round fuuuuuun!
I heard the door unlock and I was about to go full hulk on how psycho she is, when she came out of the door and stood between our bedrooms. Their doors are adjacent and she just stared between them both, breathing heavily? It was really odd. Then I noticed she was crying and getting a bit panicky, so I asked what was going on.
She burst into tears and said "Omg he's going to kill me" and just sobbed so yeah it was the boyfriend's idea completely, as a lot of us suspected. She's honestly always been a perfect roommate, which is kind of why I came to this sub. If she was generally an arsehole, I would have known how to act, if you know what I mean? Anyway Lana has a bit of a breakdown, and it turns out POS Tom has always been a bit of a POS, very jealous (which I always saw hints of, but Lana never mentioned so I didn't), and has amped up his POSishness while I've been away. When I left he just finished school and basically moved in unannounced, and when she'd mention he hasn't been home in days, he'd give her the "what, don't you love me, I treat you so well, you're so selfish, blah blah" shit and refused to move. She showed me the texts he send her, absolutely horrific stuff, things like "ring me in the next five minutes or we're over" "send me a picture of you at your desk with something showing todays date so I know you're at work", just abusive stuff.
ON TO THE ROOM: As we guessed, he moved it. He did it while she was at work, which is actually a bit gross thinking of him going through my stuff, and I'm considering somehow implying I have crabs or something he could catch just to make him squirm a bit, but I'll work on it. lana came home and said what are you doing, he made out it was just temporary and that I wouldn't mind (such a gentleman speaking on my behalf) and he would move it back, and he was doing ti for her and she was so selfish etc. When it got a few days before I came back, Lana suggested moving it back, and he completely denied he said that and told her it was her idea to move it and he only did what she told him but it's staying now or she'd be sorry.
So basically Tom is a prick and Lana sobbed and apologised and cried and I fed her wine. She didn't want to see Tom (who obviously assumed he lived there now) so I text him from her phone saying our Landlady (my aunt) was coming round for an inspection and staying for dinner after with my family and he couldn't come over tonight. He sent a lot of begging, whiney texts, and then went on the offensive and called Lana a liar, so I rang my aunt, explained everything and had her write us a fake landlord email mentioning the visit and how she was looking forward to fajitas (because she's an absolute babe and I make good packet fajitas), which we forwarded on to Tom. He left her alone for the rest of the night, apart from a few texts.
I'm not entirely sure what we do about Tom. Lana sounds like she wants to break up, judging from her crying and screaming" I hate him, I hate him, I hate him" into her wine. I think she's scared to though. I checked with her and he doesn't have a key, so that's a relief. I've told my aunt everything and she said she is happy to ban him from the flat, but Lana would need ot break up with him first and get all that sorted.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I know it wasn't the most popcorny update, but hopefully Lana will be okay, and we're going to be doing some girly shit this week and avoiding Tom and yeah, god knows what will happen.
#Update
https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/6pwqp2/update_ive_f25_returned_from_a_month_long_trip/
I originally posted this to /r/relationships , but it got deleted and the mods told me it would be better suited here. Feel free to read the original post below for background.
Original : https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/6e6hge/ive_f25_returned_from_a_month_long_trip_and_my/
Hi everyone. It's been a busy month since my last post and I logged back into this account out of curiosity and saw quite a few people messaged me requesting an update. So here we are, sorry it took so long but things have calmed down now.
So shortly after my last post Lana broke up with Tom. She was quite scared to do it, because he's a psycho, and it took two weeks between the last post and the actual break up. During that time she didn't let him come round or see her. Luckily she remembered that Tom had never had chicken pox as a kid, so we pretended my nephew had caught chicken pox and had to stay with us because my brother's wife had never had it and couldn't risk getting shingles. It worked luckily, and he stayed away. She told her family and close friends about what he'd been like (incase he contacted them to get in touch with her and lied about what happened) and then text him saying she wanted to break up.
Well he blew the fuck up. Called her every name under the sun, switched back to apologising and saying she was the love of his life, then said she'd never find someone like him, then he would die without her, then he wanted to kill her, then they were soulmates. It was insane. He started messaging me too, telling me I was an "evil bitch who had ruined his perfect wife" (lol k then) and as predicted, her family and friends got messages too. We both turned our phones off to ignore it and just watched TV. Later I briefly switched mine on, where I had a lot of messages from my friends telling me to block some guy on my social media. It was Tom calling me everyone imaginative combination of the C word he could think of all over my (public) instagram page. There we even a few racial slurs which was odd because we're both white but okay. Lana had already blocked him on everything but silly me forgot to make my insta private.
The next day he rang Lana's office (she was so embarrassed, it was awful) to tell her he was driving down to our flat. She rang me, and I rang my aunt (who you remember manages the property) who told us it was time to call the police. We filed a report about Tom and they said to update us on the situation. In the UK you need to go to court to actually get a restraining order, so we haven't as such, but the evidence is all there and documented if we need to go that far.
The police rang Tom, at our request, told him they'd seen the messages and to turn his car around because if he turned up at our door he'd be arrested. (Police officers here are amazing, can I just say.) Tom managed to shit himself hard enough to not show up after that.
So we were fine for a week. Then the post came. Tom started sending letters. Threats and soppy I love you shit. Flowers. Then a pizza that we had to pay for (we were actually hungry so we ate it). He signed us up to a magazine subscription. It was bizarre. We went to the police again. They filed everything but Lana didn't want to go to court. I don't blame her, she was incredibly stressed by the whole thing.
So two weeks ago I took my aunt and mother out to dinner. I told them both about the situation and MY GODDESS OF AN AUNT had an idea. She manages about 30 properties, not just the one we live at, as had a few that were unoccupied now (with school finishing). She told me she would show us round all the 2 bedrooms she had, and we could live in any of them for the same rent we pay now, and just transfer over our deposit/fees, as long as there were no damages to deduct and we helped do a deep clean to get it ready for the next tenant. We found one within a 5 minute drive that's just as lovely and, to anyone concerned about the previous rent dispute, has equally sized bedrooms.
So we moved. Which is why the last two weeks have been manic, but we're settled in now. Tom has now been informed that we've moved, because the stuff he's sent since has been returned. Lana and I are completely no contact with him, and anyone who visits us is sure not to pass on our address to Tom.
Also I apologised to Lana about the issue with paying the same amounts of rent. She said she had never had a problem with it, and said that's how she had always done it through uni and with other roommates. She refused to take any money from me but I've decided I will be funding the weekly flat wine sessions for the future.
It's been a long long month and even though my travelling tan has faded, things are great now. Thanks for all your advice before guys, even the ones I didn't agree with, and lets all pray to baby Jesus that I have a calmer living situation from now on.
TL;DR: Lana split with Tom, Tom went insane, we called the police and they scared him off so we haven't needed to get a restraining order (yet). We moved to a flat nearby so he doesn't know where we live anymore and we're slowly cultivating a flat wine collection (but quickly drinking it). | tsabracadabra | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pijogn/op_comes_home_from_monthlong_trip_to_find_her/ | pijogn | 15,012 | 1,926 | [
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2021-09-06T01:18:59 | AITA For Buying An Expensive Dressage Horse? plus Update | AITA | I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL POSTER. OOP is using a throwaway address.
[Link to original and update linked there as well](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mpayop/aita_for_buying_an_expensive_dressage_horse/)
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have always kept our finances separate. Part of the reason we have chosen to do this is because he is 15 years older than me and had teenage children when we met. We agreed the kids were his and so were their expenses.
I have done quite well in my career and in the past five years have had quite a bit more disposable income than my husband, both because I make more money and I don't have the expense of children, university, etc. If there is a trip or something I want to go on that my husband can't afford, I happily pay his way. No questions asked.
One of the things I do spend a good deal of money on is horses. Horses have been a passion of mine since I was a child and I got back into riding around the time I got married. Recently, I have decided that I have progressed to the point to buy a pretty price Dutch Warmblood with an excellent pedigree. This was an expensive purchase (about $85,000 USD), but it is a lifelong dream.
Usually my husband would have not said a word. However, one of his children is trans and has decided to pursue "bottom surgery". This is apparently quite pricey as well and neither my husband, his ex, or the child have the money. The child is no longer eligible for either parents health insurance. They have asked me to foot the bill and I declined. This is simply not a place I want to spend my money. My husband is livid that I spent $85,000 on this horse but will not help with this surgery.
So, Reddit, AITA for buying an expensive horse when I won't pay for someone's (non-emergent) surgery?
Edited to add: It wasn't "the horse or the surgery". It could have been both I suppose. I declined to pay for the surgery because that kind of involvement with his kids is a can of worms I don't want to open. My husband just associates it with the horse.
Edit 2: The Child is 27
**Edit 3**
**First let me be clear about a few things I didn't bring up in the original post because they didn't seem relevant: This child (let's call them Y) has been having problems since Husband and I got together. When we first got married and bought this house out in the country (we kept our city apartments as well, this was always meant as a "retreat"), Y had just dropped out of high school and I invited them to come stay here. We already had two horses on the property (mine from before I knew my husband), plus some chickens, goats, and ducks. Horses saved me when I was a teen. I thought they could help them. It last 2 weeks and ended in Y having to be removed from the house intoxicated by the Sheriff. And it has gone down hill from there. Y has struggled with addiction, chosen homelessness, and legal problems. And this has drained their parents and grandparents emotionally and financially. I even paid for the one in-patient rehab. Nothing worked. Maybe gender dysphoria is the cause of all this, but it is exhausting.**
Edit 4: Also I changed my husband's and my ages in the comments, because, yeah stepkids on Reddit. Those are the ballpark ie middle aged. Also, my parents are divorced as well. Both of parents husbands are like fathers to me. This is a v. different situation than the one I've known.
Relevant information in the comments:
*I mean, I could do both to be clear. I have declined to pay for the surgery for non-financial reasons (including the maintenance of our agreement). He just brought up the horse because he sees them connected.*
*The non-financial reason is that I do not want to become the family piggy-bank. My husband and I worked out these guidelines to prevent even the appearance of that. He doesn't seem to care about that/remember that. Also, and this might be important, the few times I have been generous with his kids have always backfired. They have not been exactly grateful or kind.*
​
Another poster asked what financial help OOP has provided that backfired-
*"Married 1 year--Took the kids to Europe. They were brats the whole time and when the (of age in the country we were in) child had wine their mother yelled at me upon our return home.*
*Married 4 years--Bought Child 2 a car. Car was totaled in a week and I was the bad guy for not replacing it.*
*Married 5 years-- Child in question need in-patient rehab. I paid. When child relapsed, I was the subject of the mother's anger for not "getting a nicer one"*
*That was sort of the end of helping.*
​
*I think this is the first time one of the kids has really wanted something their parents really couldn't afford to give them. Hence the difference. This child in particular has been quite a bit of trouble of late so I think he is just frustrated.*
​
**Update**
First, thank you all for your insight. Here is the original (I now understand bizarre) [problem](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mpayop/aita_for_buying_an_expensive_dressage_horse/). I spoke with my husband & Y. Husband apologized and said he was just frustrated and lashed out. Y was not so apologetic. As per the suggestions here, I offered to pay 1/2 of the 1st surgery (I learned this is a multi-part deal) if the following conditions were met: For 12 continuous months, Y 1) keeps stable, independent housing; 2) work in paid employment at least 25 hours a week; 3) take random drug tests AT MY & HUSBAND'S request.; 4) attend weekly religious services of their choice; 5) weekly NA meetings.
Husband then told Y any future support from husband (including husband continuing to pay for HRT) would depend on these conditions being met/worked on. Y said that these terms were "impossible" and could not be met and that I didn't understand that this had to be done IMMEDIATELY. I told them the offer remains on the table, if they ever decide to take me up. Y is upset, but I think this is the most responsible thing we (Husband and I can do)
So, not an ideal ending, but Husband and I are at least back on the same page. And I am off for a much needed hack. | Dogismygod | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/piphi0/aita_for_buying_an_expensive_dressage_horse_plus/ | piphi0 | 6,207 | 783 | [
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2021-09-06T07:39:24 | OP's ex-boyfriend shows up drunk, the day before his wedding | Relationship_Advice | A reminder that I am not the OP. Advice left in the comments is misplaced.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pbhets/my_ex_turned_up_last_night_drunk_tomorrow_is_his/)
**My ex turned up last night drunk. Tomorrow is his wedding day. Should I tell his soon to be wife?**
I was with my ex for 2 years. It was not the best relationship and we broke up because I moved for uni and just didn't want to be with him anymore.
It has been almost 5 years since we broke up and I am engaged to be married with my fiance who is absolutely my soul mate.
Yesterday evening at around 22 o'clock he rang our doorbell drunk. His bachelor party was in the city I live in and he came "to see me".
When my fiance opened the Door my ex just started sobbing saying that he couldn't believe he (my fiance) was real or some bs like that.
We took him into the apartment because he didn't look dangerous and he just vocally vomited before he actually vomited in our bath.
What I could gather is that he was still very hurt because our break up, that he thinks that we could have made it work. And he regrets treating me badly.
He then threw up again and called an Uber to his hotel.
It was very surreal. He was fine. We fed him waffles and ciffe to sober up and told him to write us when he was in his hotel to make sure he didn't die or something.
I was left with a weird feeling. Almost dirty. I am thinking of contacting his soon to be wife? Or should I call him to encourage him to tell that to his fiancee? Or should I not do anything and let this just be an anecdote for my future?
Edit : Thanks for all the feedback. It's seems like reddit is as split on this as I am lol.
Just because this kept coming up :
My main goal with telling her is not for them to break up. I don't want that and that's not why I would want to tell her. The reason for me telling her is solely that I would want to know if I was her. Nothing else. It's also not me "bragging" about him not being over me. That's not something I care about and wonder how some of you twisted it into that
Also a tiny update :
I decided that contacting the bride was the wrong move because we are not friends. However I send his sister, an old friend of mine, a message basically saying to talk to her brother because he appeared at my door drunk and distressed and to make sure he was okay.
She thanked me for the massage and apologized profusely because my ex has been apparently acting a fool for a few weeks now leading up to his wedding. She asked me if I was okay and if her brother had gone back to the hotel room because they couldn't find him. I told her he had ubered home and had written us that he had arrived in his room at arround 11:30 pm. She thanked me again and I haven't heard from her since
Another update :
His sister called me again to ask me if he had come by or said anything about his whereabouts. Apparently he didn't show for the wedding and no one knows where he is. So me telling the fiancee is now obsolete
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pikiy8/update_my_ex_appeared_drunk_at_my_door_the_day/)
I'm updating because I still get a lot of questions.
Long story short, he bailed. He decided he did not want to commit to his fiance bailed, and days later called to break off the engagement.
Bit more details:
After his sister and I talked, my ex's fiance reached out and was kinda mad. The best man had told her he went to see me. At first she was convinced we had sex. So that took a bit of talking. I felt sorry. She was very distraught. She apologized, I apologized and told her i wished her the best.
Saturday I received a call from the sister. Apparently ex re- appeared. He went all the way to France.
His sister called me to apologize because my ex had stolen one of my lipsticks. I honestly had not noticed but my ex admited it to her. She paypalrd me the money to buy myself a new one.
I said I was not mad and asked her how she was and how his ex fiance was. On their end everything is a mess. Everyone is mad at him. I don't know many more details and was kinda not willing to ask.
But yeah that's it | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/piutig/ops_exboyfriend_shows_up_drunk_the_day_before_his/ | piutig | 4,164 | 1,522 | [
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2021-09-06T09:58:31 | Finding siblings | 23andme | This post was originally on 23andme and was submitted by u/warcitysaint. I am hoping it will have a second happy update sometime in the future, but at least we have half an update!
# Adopted & Half-Siblings Results?
So I posted my results earlier today so people could help me sort through those and figure out what’s what. But if I’m being honest with myself, I think I’m stalling. I did the test because I wanted to know where my recent ancestors came from since I’m adopted. I don’t know much of anything other than where I grew up and who my parents are. The people who raised me, not my bio parents, that is. I was adopted at around 10 months so I’m not even really sure where I was born. So this morning, I wake up to my results after waiting for what felt like forever. Pretty neat to see for the first time bc you never really know what you’re gonna get, do you? But then I decided to click on DNA Relatives and was shocked.
Turns out, according to 23AndMe, I have not one but two half-siblings. One brother, one sister. Varying percentages, obviously but still there. So many questions in my head and I’ve tried to sort them one by one for the entire day so far. Haven’t made much progress.
But I have two major questions. The first, how accurate would these descriptions be? The half-brother shows at 27.4% and the half-sister shows at 22.2%. One was born in 1988 and the other 1992. (I was born in 1994, using their similar ages as a reference) How likely are these to be siblings? I’ll post an image in the comments of my close relatives for percentages comparison.
My second question is for anyone who has found a sibling through this process and more specifically, if anyone is adopted and has found a sibling through this process. How did you converse with them? I don’t know if I should initiate the conversation or let them initiate the conversation… I’m not really even sure if 23AndMe would’ve notified them that I popped up. They seem like such nice people and I’m sure they have their lives going and everything is good.. I don’t want to be like “Oh, hey here I am!” and mess up someone’s life. Seems pretty selfish. But I’ve never known anyone that was truly related to me, either. So if these people are truly my siblings, that’s a piece of me that I didn’t know was missing. I think I’m more interested in finding siblings than a mother or father, to be honest. Not that I’m not interested to know about them or anything, it’s just hard to explain. Anyways, thanks for reading my ridiculously long post.
UPDATE
# Lost Sibling & No Response
Okay, so a little backstory first - I’m fully adopted meaning my entire life I’ve never known a single person who was related to me. And I’d be lying if I said that didn’t mess with me some growing up. I think my brain finally learned to process it as simply I didn’t have that “family” thing that other people had and I sprouted from the ground. It made it worse that I grew up an only child; my parents didn’t adopt any other children.
Flash forward 26 years. My wife finally convinced me to do my 23&Me test, especially since we now have children and if for nothing else, a little heritage background and the health tests. Day of my results, I almost fell out of my bed when I opened my app. It said I had two half-siblings. One from my mother, one from my father. Shocked. Not only did I have people I was related to finally but they’re siblings on top of that.
I connected with my brother on my dad’s side and got a bit of history there. Turns out he’s done a lot of genealogy on that side of the family and had honestly a lot of answers to my questions. Great start to an older brother status. But I have a sister as well on my mother’s side. And that’s the side I was really curious about. I’m not sure why but I’ve always wondered about my mom. That’s not to say my dad isn’t important but.. it’s always been something I couldn’t really explain all that well.
So I messaged the sister & sent an invitation to connect but, unlike my brother, her last active date was “Over 6 months ago”; essentially it could’ve been years. Shortly after finding out about my siblings I did a quick Google search to see if they had facebook, instagram, whatever. I mean, probably a little creepy but please don’t judge too harshly. I’ve never had a single person related to me and all of a sudden I have two older siblings from BOTH parents. It’s stuff you read about online, not real life. Anyway, brother & I connected on FB after talking a bit. But the sister only had instagram. This is where the whole point of this post comes into play..It’s been a while since I sent the invite/message on 23&Me and although I’ve checked it periodically, her active state hasn’t changed leading me to believe she never saw it. I badly want to make the connection with her and possibly my mother, but it seems like to me it would be super creepy and weird. | haaskaalbaas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/piwg7z/finding_siblings/ | piwg7z | 4,934 | 191 | [
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2021-09-06T11:18:39 | Just another biological father story (not a happy update) | 23andme | 23andme has some crazy stories, and this one's first post is only an image of her DNA results, making it clear that her (u/sugawowsers) Irish father is not her father, and that it was someone else she didn't know. Here is OOP's first comment clarifying what appears in the image:
[sugawowsers](https://www.reddit.com/user/sugawowsers/)Op · [9m](https://www.reddit.com/r/23andme/comments/k34dcs/so_i_got_my_results_in_just_learned_that_my/ge1b3d0/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) ·
I wanted to put full details but I posted this at midnight. I showed my mom and we were both shocked, as expected. She mentioned this guy who she dated who is Puerto Rican and broke up the month before she started dating who we thought was our bio dad. My mom has mentioned this before, years ago, but never crossed her mind. I did the 23andme in hopes to find more about my absent bio dad but it definitely scratched a whole new surface which I never expected.
I am okay with this, only because my "father" was never in my life. It is definitely a new chapter of finding out who I am, potentially new family members, and finding out my real father now.
UPDATE (made as a new post seven months later):
Back in November 2020, I had taken the 23andme test to find more of my ancestry like most of you here, only to find out that my biological father wasn't my biological father after all and by the way, he was never part of my life, to begin with, only part of my birth for a couple of months, so his last name was given to me. I grew up all my life thinking I was half-Irish and only to find out the results from 23andme shown that I am half-Puerto Rican instead. My mother was devastated, she told me she dated a guy right before who she thought my bio dad was and he was a Puerto Rican who lived in the Bronx. I wasn't upset by no means - I was just more in shock and sort of excited because this was a new journey of finding my actual biological father who doesn't even know I exist.
Months passed by, I contacted multiple close cousins who happen to be Puerto Rican and no luck, except months later, January 2021 ... This one cousin who listed as my third cousin responded, Michelle. She was so touched with my story although she didn't know my bio dad, she wanted to stay connected and was so involved in helping me through this journey of finding him. We had such a nice relationship, we connected off the bat.
With no luck, I decided to do an Ancestry test. Once I got the results in February, I anxiously looked and found a cousin who was listed as my first to second cousin, so I instantly messaged her. She read my message and but hasn't yet responded and by then Michelle helped me find her FaceBook and with just assuming the family's last name, I reached out to 3 people in her friend's list in hopes that they know of a Will (my bio dad's name). The following day I received a FaceBook message by Will himself. Nervous and sweaty, I responded to him with a full story of how I came about to find him.
We spoke over the phone, cried, and three days later, he drove down from Florida to meet me (I live in New Hampshire). He is a truck driver so he found a load to drop off in NH and brought my two sisters that I was excited to meet as well. That first day we met, we took a DNA test from a lab center, and sure enough, he is my father. In fact, I resemble him the most out of my two sisters that they didn't deny me as his daughter/their sister. They stood in my house for a whole week. My husband, I welcomed them to our home. We cried together, hugged together, shared some stories. It was so nice. After a few weeks, he would come down so often alone to spend some time with me.
At the time my mother lived with me so he met her and it was a bit awkward... He tried flirting with her and then stepped back and of course, she wasn't having it knowing she had a boyfriend back in New Jersey. It was very weird... until one day he was staying over and just one day just woke up and said I had to change my last name (I carry my name and my husband's - it is hyphen), otherwise, I am not part of his "family pack". Kinda hurt to hear that because, after 31 years, I never knew you, found you, and making comments like that. I tried to explain to him that my name is my name, it is my identity for my entire life, and pretty much was telling me that it isn't my identity, it was stolen from me. It got to the point that he wanted to talk to the man who we thought was my bio dad, Mike because he believes all this time my mother knew and kept it as a secret. I found Mike when I was 20 years old on FB and he denied me but never gave me the full context as to why... so here all along I thought he denied me because he was a straight-up deadbeat dad.
I told Will if anyone needs to talk to Mike, it would be me although I don't want to because the past is the past and I believe my mother but Will wouldn't want to let it go. Somehow one of the sisters (on his side) got involved in this and both were calling me one-sided and asked wouldn't want the truth... truth to what? My mother told me - Mike went to the Army and he never returned. All along she thought it was him... so what more does he want?
I got a call from Michelle after all this, and by the way, this was my birthday week, right before my birthday, woopie-do, right? She just wanted to know what I am doing and that Will called her (since I connected them two) and was saying he will send me to court to change my last name and all these shenanigans that he wants to know the conversation that she & I had. I apologized to her saying sorry he is involving you in this. Of course, I called Will upset saying why he is getting people involved, first my new sister and now Michelle? OH right... because I am "protecting my family and being one-sided".
A few days after, I decided to reach out to Mike on FB..... I didn't want to... but the stress that Will was putting me in, was too much. Mike surprisingly replied saying "Funny how you are writing to me as I was just thinking of you yesterday"... wait... what? I bawled. He apologized as he always wanted to write to me sooner but never did but I had always crossed his mind... he offered to give him a call and if I had any questions he will answer them as best to his knowledge. My husband was there... I had Mike on speaker. He said he always had second doubts that I was his daughter because of timing but he was with my mother... he eventually went to the army and when my mother requested benefits, DNA was requested and 6 months later he got the results stating I wasn't his daughter... He told me that a copy of the DNA results should've gone to my mom. I asked him if he tried to reach my mom after he found out and he said no... he pretty much moved on with his life by then... and when I had asked my mom if she ever received the mail she said no, she was 18 at the time, and if anything she never got in hold of any mail that came to the house and that she never got a hold of Mike because it was hard since he was in the army. So whether if there is a white lie in there or not, both of them were young and moved on...
I let Will know this and still... that wasn't good enough for him... he said he wanted to know directly from Mike. Holy shit man... When I tell you I never cried so much every day, I never did until I met Will. It was so devasting... After my birthday passed, he forgot my birthday because he was too caught up in the drama he created... that soon after, at 11 P.M right when I was ready to close my eyes... I get a nasty message from Michelle... She wrote a whole story of MY LIFE (which some of incorrect but I didn't care to correct her because no one got time for that!) and questioning my family, making these crazy assumptions, and said it seems that I want to live this status quo (lol, because I want to keep my last name, for fucks sakes?) and added "if I knew to hold any information from your father, I wouldn't get involved with your search, it is no wonder why no one in the family wanted to help you"... first of all - I never once said to withhold any information, I only apologized to not wanting to have her involved and no one from 23andme helped me if they could because they didn't know Will!!! Yo.. I was too polite... to her, to my sister, and to Will.. the amount of disrespect was beyond me.
The next day, I showed Will some of the screenshots of Michelle's messages, he said to ignore her and let it be - let's move forward.......lol - move forward? That's all I ever wanted. So I told him he had a lot of fixing to do with me... and that was the last of it.. He never responded...
Two months had passed, I am pregnant with twins - which he knew by the because new family members had told him via having me on FaceBook... the weeks got easier, no drama.. it hurt a little bit but I got over it until Father's Day came along and my father-in-law suggested I should reach out to him... Being a little bitter I denied it but I eventually send a photo wishing him a Happy Father's Day.
He instantly called me, apologized for everything he has caused, and didn't care what my last name was but he wanted to build our relationship again. I forgave him.
But now, it just seems to me that his apology wasn't sincere as it took a week later to remind me that he wants my last name to be changed as if I never had the last name to begin with, wants to speak to my mom about "the truth" because he still feels the truth she is telling is not enough when I feel like he just wants to point the blame on someone, and justifying Michelle's actions of insulting me saying she is a bold person... that she showed him all the screen-shots when I only showed him partial... I tried to explain to him that if he ever had questions about it, he should've come to me but he never did... and as for the last name - I wasn't going into that anymore. He tried to use some attacking words, emphasizing it to make me feel such pain but I was so numb to it -he followed "but why would you have a last name to a deadbeat dad who was never in your life?"... You see.. it is not about nobody... it is about me and he is forgetting that point. From that conversation - we left it as is.
The following day - he is telling me that twins run his family because he THINKS his father is a twin and when I told him identical twins happen by chance and fraternal twins is when it runs in the family (btw I am having identical), he responded how ignorant I am... Ok... that was the last conversation we had. I was at work so I had to let him go. Two days went by from that conversation, I called him the morning, he never picked up nor returned my call... It has now been a week without speaking to each other and I am coming to the conclusion that this relationship we are trying to build is not healthy for me. I am no longer going to chase after him... did it to find him, did it to reestablish our relationship but I have done enough and feel like I can no longer try to prove him otherwise. He is too stuck in the past, in the last name when all I asked to be part of my life, not control it.
This is my 23&me story..... sorry for the long post but I needed to vent and thank you if you read the entire post.... <3 | haaskaalbaas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pixhki/just_another_biological_father_story_not_a_happy/ | pixhki | 11,452 | 442 | [
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2021-09-06T11:30:36 | Is it out to sleep around while on a break from a relationship? | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. I am not the author.*
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pcba6a/is_it_out_to_sleep_around_while_on_a_break_from_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) by [u/NoArt7321](https://www.reddit.com/user/NoArt7321/)
On phone but English is my first language so no excuses there.
My (24M) GF (25F) had been dating for 2 years when she approached me one day very sombre asking for us to go on a break for a month. She claimed it was because she wanted to 'Find herself'. I regretfully agreed, for some reason believing her when she said it would strengthen our relationship because we would appreciate eachothers company more. You can probably guess where this is all going.
I decided to use the time off to focus on getting back into shape, I has gained a bit of weight and thought it would he a nice surprise for her seeing me again at my prime, so I start focusing on the gym, try to block out how much I missed her and make some healthy changes.
She decided to stay at her best friend's house because she couldn't 'bear to be around our home'. But rather than using our time off to focus on herself, I could from her SM that she was just going out clubbing each night, to bars, and getting drunk at parties.
Now I don't have an issue with any of this, but I was under the impression that we were doing this to work on ourselves.
After a month I start messaging and calling her again, but getting no reply, finally I decide to head to her BFFs place to see what's up.
You'll never guess what I find.....
She's moved on, dating some guy she works with. Had no intention of getting back together with me. Was just planning on ghosting me.
I was crushed, I loved this woman. I had never been on a 'break' before. I didn't know this was an option. Not that I would have gone looking for a hookup but come on.
When she told me she wanted to try things with this guy she said "He just makes me so excited I can't explain it" I thought I did that, how can she spend 2 years with me, say she loves me, plan our lives together. I bought a ring a month before the 'Break', and now this new guy is "her world".
I just feel like such an idiot.
TLDR: Gf wanted a break then used it to find another partner then break up with me, is this the normal for breaks?
&#x200B;
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/piv5bj/she_wont_leave_me_alone_i_dont_know_what_to_do/)
**She won't leave me alone, I don't know what to do.**
So since my last post I've done alright, been focusing on myself (gym, mental health, work, and friends). It's been pretty good.
Unfortunately my best mate ran into my ex in a supermarket, they live in the same area. (I want to preface I'm not mad at him at all for this) he sort of lost his cool when she asked how I was doing. Going on about how much of a mistake she made, all of that sort of stuff. He did accidentally mention that I had intended to propose to her (within a week of her asking for a break). She apparently went very silent then just walked out.
Since then I have been bombarded with messages from her family and friends, begging me to forgive her and give her another chance. (None of this happened until she was made aware of proposal). She is now showing up at my house daily begging to talk to me. She has apparently broken it off with her new guy. She even had the ignorance to say "I was right, this break has invigorated our love for eachother". I've tried explaining that she hurt me and that the ring is now gone. She says it can all be fixed but it can't.
Just so there aren't the usual comments I see on these sorts of posts, I have absolutely no intention of tying again with her. She ripped out my heart and stomped on it, any chance of us being together is very dead.
I just want her to leave me alone, I don't want to call the police though, as much as I hate her I don't want her life ruined or for her to have criminal record. Any advice is welcomed, I could really use it.
TLDR: My ex found out about my plans to propose when we were together and now won't leave me alone, begging me to take her back. I need some advice.
EDIT UPDATE: Firstly I appreciate all the comments and support from everyone, and thank you to everyone who reached out privately.
Now update time, I called my Ex's dad (he was the only one absent from the 'family plan' to pressure me back into a relationship). Turns out he wasn't aware of the plan and agreed with me ending the relationship given the circumstances. He's a pretty straight forward guy and we've always gotten along well so he has apparently set everyone straight, and told his daughter (my ex) that if she shows up at my place again I'll call the police. So hopefully that is the end of that. Again I really appreciate everyone taking the time to comment, your the best! 👍 | qwerty98765432101 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pixnd3/is_it_out_to_sleep_around_while_on_a_break_from_a/ | pixnd3 | 4,865 | 615 | [
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2021-09-06T22:36:34 | My boyfriend (20M) and I (20F) always fight about how "boring" I am. Help? + UPDATES | Relationships | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3la485/my_boyfriend_20m_and_i_20f_always_fight_about_how/) by u/boringgf32
We've been dating 2 years. We're juniors in college and we currently live together with a few other roommates.
A bit about our personalities. We're both introverts with social anxiety and prefer being with each other than being with other people. We don't have friends, but are close to our families. My approach to my anxiety is to weave around things that bother me, finding fun elsewhere. My boyfriend likes to face his head-on. This leads to our personalities diverging considerably.
I'm a simple person. I like staying home, cooking, studying, and watching Netflix. I like doing these things with my boyfriend and I feel happiest and most comfortable while at home. My boyfriend, on the other hand, says he regrets spending so much time at home and wants to go out and do things. Once a week or so we argue about how he always wants to go out and I never do. The things he suggests just don't appeal to me, but I don't really have any other ideas.
Deep inside, I feel like him wanting to go on dates so often is a bit...childish. We're adults now, in a long term relationship, we don't need to impress each other and spend so much money going out, right? I know dates are important in most relationships, but I'm used to observing relationships where work, studies, and household duties take over and time together is passing out in front of the TV. He agrees that as we get older life will be like that, but instead of preparing for it he wants to enjoy being young.
It's not like he wants to go to bars or anything. Neither of us drink or party. He likes going out to movies and other college events. I'm honestly sick of college clubs and socializing. If we do go out I like leaving the college campus, but that gets expensive around here.
I guess what I'm asking is, are there compromises we can reach? I know that staying home all the time isn't good for our relationship, but is there a way I can fight the anxiety and lethargy whenever he says "let's do something"? I'm sick of fighting.
Also, is leaving the house once or twice a week for reasons other than class reasonable? Is this what most couples do while in college? I always thought dates were sort of a once a month thing.
tl;dr: Boyfriend likes to go out on dates, I like to stay home. This is leading to more and more arguments lately, and I want to come up with a compromise that we can both like, not just tolerate.
[UPDATE 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3lcsea/update_my_boyfriend_20m_and_i_20f_always_fight/)
I honestly thought my relationship was over after all this. Things got worse when my boyfriend said he wanted to visit a pub and try alcohol for the first time. We're in Dublin, so I guess pubs are sort of a thing, and we had yet to see one. I honestly thought this was his "last chance" date for me and the pressure just started to mount. I really didn't want to go, but we went anyway.
Little by little things just fell apart. We missed a bus and had to wait for the next one, we walked to a pub and literally stood there wondering what to do. Do we seat ourselves or wait for a waitress? We paced back and forth through the lobby, sat down, stood up, and eventually we left the pub. It was pretty late and we were hungry, so I suggested we go somewhere else to eat. He suggested surrounding restaurants and I honestly shot them all down. They were either too formal, too sketchy looking, etc. BF got really upset. He stormed back to the first pub and said he was going to eat there and I could join him or not. We fought for a while outside the pub. I was just really tense because I was pretty sure he was going to dump me, and he was sick of me constantly worrying about being seen or noticed in the pub.
Finally we sat down, ordered food, bought a beer (which was disgusting by the way, now that we've sipped both beer and wine we've determined alcohol is not for us). Over time we started to feel better, we laughed a bit, and it started to feel like a date. He asked me why I was so worried (I was way more tense and shaky than I usually am in public). I told him I thought he was going to dump me at the get-go. He said it hadn't even crossed his mind, that he understood how I felt, and that I just needed a kick in the ass.
We laughed, paid for food, bought and shared a milkshake, and went home. I actually enjoyed the date even though it was more expensive than I would've liked.
It's a long, mostly irrelevant story, but I had to type it up. What should've been a simple date was just a roller coaster of emotion and I'm honestly glad it all worked out. The date actually turned out fun.
I don't honestly know where to go from here. I still feel like I'm not interesting enough to for him to date, especially with his new mindset of trying everything and being adventurous, so I'm still really nervous. But today was okay. Maybe tomorrow will be too.
tl;dr: Went on a date with boyfriend, was difficult at times but also fun. Still nervous about not being interesting enough, especially after being beatdown by reddit about being a terrible boring partner. I dunno what to do. Kinda lost.
[UPDATE 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3oncua/last_update_my_boyfriend_20m_and_i_20f_always/)
It's been a little while since I updated so I thought I would. If you've seen my posts you'd know that I was resistant to people's advice, and while some of it was very harsh, I did deserve a lot of it. What really made me wise up was something else though. I'm taking clinical psych as an elective and we covered anxiety/depression a couple weeks ago. We watched a ted talk by some psychologist who said that the only way his patients make progress with social anxiety is to face it head on. I did some research after class and found that was the consensus. I thought that was just my boyfriend's way of facing it and that there were other ways, but turns out what I was doing was making things worse. I'm sure you're all thinking 'duh, avoidance makes things worse', but I had to find that out for myself.
No, I'm not a social butterfly. I still don't have friends. But I've been trying to do a few things to make things up to my boyfriend.
--I went on a couple group hikes with him. One of them was 7 miles up and down hills. I have no idea how I managed to do it. I was always way way behind everyone else, gasping and wheezing, but they weren't allowed to leave me behind so they waited. I was really ashamed, but nobody seemed mad at me and my boyfriend waited with me. He was really proud that I did it. In the end I'm happy I got to do it, if only for the beautiful view.
--I've been trying to plan more dates. It's unfair for my boyfriend to plan things that I usually shut down, so I planned dinner and a free poetry slam in the area. He's not a poetry guy but he went with me anyway and seemed to enjoy himself, and I did too.
--I've been trying to engage back into hobbies I used to have. I haven't watched netflix since I last posted (no joke), and now have a plan for a NaNoWriMo novel for upcoming November. We'll see how it goes. It'll also give me an excuse to go out to cafes and write.
Other things: --We're still pretty sure that drinking isn't for us, but we'll probably give it a few more tries in the future, but likely group settings only (if we ever find a group)
--I spoke to my parents and they agreed to let me do some overnight travel, since my grades have been good. Currently planning a trip with boyfriend (don't tell my parents I'm going with him, haha).
--I still have bad days, but I'm able to deal with them a bit better than I was. I'm keeping a journal and stuff from time to time, explaining my feelings to my boyfriend rather than letting them manifest unhealthily, that sort of thing.
--Therapy is still planned for when I go back to the states.
--I'm still crazy out of shape, but boyfriend and I are talking about maybe changing that in the future. I'm really nervous about exercising in public though, hopefully I'll be able to get over that.
tl;dr: Made a few changes, still a work in progress. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pja8bz/my_boyfriend_20m_and_i_20f_always_fight_about_how/ | pja8bz | 8,229 | 763 | [
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2021-09-06T23:15:51 | r/relationships post: "My (22M) roommate (22F) and I are stuck in a messed up relationship" | Relationships | *Please note: I am not the OP of this post. I am replicating this post on /r/BestofRedditorUpdates for the purposes of bringing an interesting story to the attention of people who are specifically seeking out stories with updates. The original post is by /u/ThrowRArmpain and [can be found here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/pfydgg/my_22m_roommate_22f_and_i_are_stuck_in_a_messed/).*
Our mutual friend set us up. We are both working at the same company. we have been staying together for 14 months. we have about 9 months left on the lease. She is a great roommate and we usually stay out of reach others way. I had a crush on her at the start.
About 3 months ago. It was my birthday. She brought booze and we ended up having sex. we haven't stopped since. We have sex and cuddle a bit and then go on with our day. She is always the one who initiates. we are not exclusive or anything. Heck, she even slept with me after coming back from a bad date. I want more but I am unable to even talk about it. We have a pretty decent thing going and I don't want to mess it up. I feel really great about it and sometimes I feel like shit about it. I don't know what the fuck I am going to do.
I feel pathetic for feeling this way, I am sleeping with an girl way out of my league. I shouldn't be moping around about her not wanting to be more than just FWB but she also does things for. Yesterday night she got me my favorite dish when she went out. She also sit next to me when I have minor panic attacks. She cares for me but I don't think she thinks of me as boyfriend material. we just are stuck in an very strange place. I need some advice to handle it and talk about it.
TLDR : I am in a FWB situation with my roommate where we both are crossing boundaries into relationship territory and I don't know how to deal with it.
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/pj17y3/update_my_22m_roommate_22f_and_i_are_stuck_in_a/)
Never thought I would be updating this. I took the advice and decided to take it slow and just not spill my feelings but the idea of spending time with her without telling her my feelings felt terrible. I was pretty miserable for two days and she ended up asking me why I looked awfully sad and if she could do anything to fix my mood.
I spilled all my feelings for her, it was probably the most unromantic confession ever. She was really surprised that I was into her. We spend the whole night talking. She told me she had been crushing on me for ever since we moved in. She said she never though someone as sweet as me could fall for a 'callous inconsiderate B' like her.
I have never heard Bullshit like that before, she is a bit cold and she doesn't smile a lot but that doesn't make her callous or inconsiderate. She has done a million things for me since we have moved in. I think we both realize that we could have been together way earlier if it wasn't for our fucked up self perception issues. We mostly joked about going to therapy and shit we went through growing up. She is fucked up too but in a way different way than I am. lol. On a serious note, we are both planning on going to therapy. We could have been together for so many months! but we both thought the other would never both with the other. wtf. My parents actively discouraged me from doing it and her parents said she needed therapy to be kinder. So haha. This is pretty scary but we both are gonna try to make this work.
TLDR : Talked to her, she had feelings for me, we are dating now and searching for therapist. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pjawxc/rrelationships_post_my_22m_roommate_22f_and_i_are/ | pjawxc | 3,561 | 896 | [
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2021-09-07T03:13:22 | Woman Discovers A Big Problem After Sleep Walking | TIFU | [Original in TIFU](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/pe8zb5/tifu_by_sleepwalking/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
TIFU by sleepwalking
Obligatory this happened two days ago, but I am still rectifying the situation.
I (30 F) have been known to sleepwalk. I did it a lot while growing up, but it has calmed down in adulthood and I now only do it on occasion.
Saturday morning I woke up and went to my master bathroom for my morning pee. I immediately noticed a giant glob of toothpaste in my sink. Weird.
I then notice that the cap to my toothpaste is on the counter, but the tube of toothpaste is nowhere in sight. More weird.
I searched all through the master bathroom for the toothpaste. No luck. I think maybe it’s possible I moved it to the spare bathroom or perhaps threw it away. Nope.
I then search through the whole house. I looked in the fridge, in dresser drawers, and in the hamper. I checked under blankets and under furniture. Nothing.
I use the bathroom again and the toilet doesn’t quite flush right. I start to wonder if maybe…nah that can’t be right.
So I go back to searching. I check all of the kitchen cabinets, the appliances, and the closets. I even look outside and check my porch. No sign of my toothpaste.
I use the bathroom again and the toilet doesn’t flush at all.
Anxiety sets in as I do the math: I am missing a whole tube of toothpaste, my toilet isn’t working, and I have a history of sleepwalking…
Now I need to snake my toilet, or possibly take out my toilet, and hope that a tube of toothpaste was the only thing I flushed.
TL;DR - I think I flushed a tube of toothpaste down the toilet while sleepwalking because I can’t find my toothpaste and now my toilet isn’t working.
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/phefhp/tifu_by_sleepwalking_update/)
I know my first post didn’t get a lot of traffic, but I figured I would post an update as the situation has taken a turn for the worse.
My stepfather suggested that I try to use my garden hose to push the tube of toothpaste through the toilet and into the main line. This was super difficult and it didn’t work lol
My husband snaked the toilet, and then he removed the toilet and tried to snake it from the bottom. He said he didn’t find anything, so the toothpaste mystery has yet to be solved! (The fact that we have yet to recover the toothpaste has led me to question if perhaps something else was wrong with the toilet entirely and my toothpaste is in the house somewhere - I’m holding out hope!)
However, once the toilet was removed, we noticed that the toilet must have been leaking for some time because the sub-floor and floor joists were rotted and badly needed repair. [*Super Gross*](https://imgur.com/a/srxmNkh)
So, now we are in the midst of renovating our master bathroom and we finally have an open floor plan, although I doubt [*this*](https://imgur.com/a/z2YjK0r) is what people mean by “open floor plan.”
TL;DR - efforts to remove the toothpaste/whatever was preventing the toilet from flushing did not work. We removed the toilet and discovered our floor had water damage and needed to be replaced. Now our master bathroom is completely torn out and we’re going to be out about $2000.
Still no sign of the toothpaste. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pjeptc/woman_discovers_a_big_problem_after_sleep_walking/ | pjeptc | 3,307 | 585 | [
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2021-09-07T10:50:44 | Another stunning example of the 40 year old man child, rarely studied outside of AITA posts (messy update) | AITA | A reminder I am not OP. I’ve lurked on this sub long enough, now I can finally contribute this story.
[FIRST POST](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p6lx76/aita_for_scaring_my_husband_out_of_fatherhood/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=
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AITA for scaring my husband out of fatherhood?
My (26) husband (38) left a week ago and I haven't spoken to him since. We've been together for five years, married for two and I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our first. I wasn't excited about my pregnancy at the beginning, long story short my family has a history of bad parenting, most of my siblings and cousins were raised by our grandparents and either grew up not wanting kids or planned to be better than our parents. I've always been in the not wanting kids group and my husband knows that. But, he's always talked about how badly he wants to get me pregnant, so I've always told him that if it happened accidentally, we'd have a serious discussion about us keeping the baby. That's exactly what happened and now I'm seven (eight tomorrow) months. Anyway, it took me a while to get on board with the idea of being pregnant and because I'm an incredibly anxious person, I voiced every "What if" thought in my mind. "What if I can't finish school? I forget my keys a lot, what if I forget my baby in the car? What if the baby resents us for the fact that her dad and I have to spend time apart each year? All in all, I've been a mess for most of this pregnancy but about a month ago I spoke with my mother, who is the reason why I never wanted to be a mom myself, and she sort of made me realize that I have way more potential as a mom than she ever had and unlike her, I can't even fathom the idea of ever leaving my kid. My mind has changed about this pregnancy and though I'm still super terrified, I'm getting excited. But, now my husband is the opposite. Last week he blew up at me for my 180, claiming that I was acting happy to mock him for having ever been happy about the pregnancy in the first place. I don't understand that. And he says that because of all of the complaining and worrying I did for the majority of my pregnancy (I'm not denying that it was a lot) he's now scared of being a dad and no longer interested, altogether. I thought he was just blowing up, as he say wild things when he's mad sometimes, but he thought about it overnight, packed his bags in the morning and left within an hour of waking up. And, it's been a week of us dodging each other's phone calls since. I understand not wanting to be a parent and I'd rather he bow out now than leave when our daughter is born, but I'm hurt that he feels I'm responsible for him not wanting to be a dad anymore. I hate that I could've made him feel that way. But, at the same time, I don't see why I can't worry out loud? So, AITA for scaring my husband out of fatherhood?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pj6jiu/wibta_if_i_26_asked_my_husband_38_not_to_attend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
WIBTA if I (26) asked my husband (38) not to attend the birth of our daughter?
My husband (38) and I (26) started feuding a month ago, after he accused me of scaring him out of parenthood. I'm 34 wks pregnant and (I wrote about this in a previous post) up until a couple of months ago, I was very anxious and in really low spirits over the fact that I'm going to be a mother. My husband had been really excited about becoming a dad, but since I poured all of my anxiety onto him, he says now that he's having second thoughts. In hindsight, I 100% understand that I should've talked to a therapist about my worries, so I don't blame him for taking on my fears. I get it and I wouldn't hold it against him if he decided not to participate in raising our daughter, because I'd prefer he leave now than abandon her when she's here.
When he accused me of scaring him out of fatherhood, he told me that he was going to stay at his brother's place. That was a lie. He actually went to stay with his parents who live almost two hours away. For a while we were dodging each other's calls, but reddit told me to grow up, so I answered when he called about a week into him being away but we argued because he asked that I come to stay with him at his parents' place. His reasoning is that his parents live close to the beach and since we're both not working in-person rn (me because of leave and him because he works from home) it could've been an opportunity for us to have a babymoon. But, his parents don't like me and I didn't feel comfortable staying at their place when he has told me before that they've asked him to leave me because of our age difference. I know they're not happy about us having a baby and I really did not want to deal with that on top of the weirdness that's going on between me and him. My husband was upset that I chose not to go, so he started dodging my calls again. I wasn't able to get him on the phone again until last Thursday, as he would only respond to my texts. When we finally talked he told me that he wasn't going to come home before I'm due. This was after he again asked me to come up to his parents' and I refused. So, he just wants my mom to call him when I go into labor and he'll come. Since then, he hasn't answered my calls again and his texting is more limited than ever. He hasn't confirmed where he stands on our relationship or whether he'll stay past our daughter's birth. I don't know what's happening with us anymore, it's really frustrating and at this point, I don't even want him to be there for her birth if all I'm going to be worried about is if he'll show up and if he's going to stick around after. So, I just wanted to text him (I'd call, but he doesn't answer) and tell him that he needs to make a decision and if he chooses to not at least come back to the city that we live in and stay at a hotel near our house so he can actually ensure that he'll be there for our daughter's birth, then he should just not bother at all. But, would I be the asshole for doing that? | kaput_corpus | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pjkoiy/another_stunning_example_of_the_40_year_old_man/ | pjkoiy | 6,094 | 755 | [
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2021-09-07T11:57:56 | My(25F) Rapist(24M) Is Going To Start Co-Parent Our Child. I Don't Know How To Deal With This. + UPDATES | Relationship_Advice | [removed] | holalesamigos | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pjlm7q/my25f_rapist24m_is_going_to_start_coparent_our/ | pjlm7q | 9 | 139 | [
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2021-09-07T13:51:26 | My friend is transitioning (24F) and I (25M) am catching feelings + Update | Relationships | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pjngmn/my_friend_is_transitioning_24f_and_i_25m_am/ | pjngmn | 9 | 916 | [
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2021-09-07T14:26:35 | [META] Could people please stop putting the end in the title? | META | Lately, people started to put "Happy Update," "Sad Update," "Messy Update" in the title of the post, and it kinda ruins the whole ride?
I wanna get surprised by wholesome happy Bigfoot frolicking in a lavender field, okay. Just hit me with it.
I don't know how to put a poll in here, so just leave a comment with your opinion. | Schattenspringer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pjo43q/meta_could_people_please_stop_putting_the_end_in/ | pjo43q | 329 | 610 | [
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2021-09-07T16:44:45 | Saving how to make a spoiler hidden | META | How to make a spoiler hidden >!this spoiler!< Now I'll most that to see if it has worked! It has. It is a less-than symbol then an exclamation mark then then the text then an exclamation mark with a greater-than symbol. (The greater than part always faces away from the exclamation mark). Doesn't matter if you leave a space before and after the text or not, I see. Thank you, u/[IzarkKiaTarj](https://www.reddit.com/user/IzarkKiaTarj/) | haaskaalbaas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pjqtib/saving_how_to_make_a_spoiler_hidden/ | pjqtib | 442 | 272 | [
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2021-09-08T10:17:35 | A mom demands her son give her one of his lungs - multiple updates - Part 1 | Suspected Fake | I am not the OP. The tale is rather long, so it will be posted in two parts. [Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pk7pgq/a_mom_demands_her_son_give_her_one_of_his_lungs/)
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a6eh5k/my_nmom_is_demanding_i_give_her_one_of_my_lungs/) on [Raised by Narcissists](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/) by [/u/morecheeseIwant](https://www.reddit.com/user/MoreCheeseIWant/posts/)
I am an 18 year old male in HS. My Nmom is 53 and has Lung Disease, specifically Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD). She's been ill for the past few years, but it has gotten progressively worse recently. Smoking is like her life and she can't stop, even with the Doctor's warnings. Our family got tested to see if we are a match for a possible organ donation and I was the only match. The Transplant team spoke with me privately and told me that this is my choice, my Lung, my life. That I wouldn't be a bad son or person if I denied. What's making this choice so difficult is that my Nmom has been treating me terribly all my life and my dream of making it to college basketball will be crushed.
The doctor said that I will be indefinitely out of commission and wouldn't be able to partake in strenuous physical activity. So not only is she expecting and demanding I give her one of my organs, but she could be yet another reason for my life failures. School was never easy with all aspects, but the only thing I had going for me was athletics. A basketball recruiter told me I have a shot if I train really hard. Well, that can't happen if I get cut open. I'm conflicted and do not want to regret being the cause of my Nmom's potential death or the blame I will get from my family as her health declines. My Ndad told me he will never forgive me if I don't go through with it, that i'm "dead" to him and shouldn't expect to keep living with them as I'm now an adult.
&#x200B;
[Update 1: I will not give Nmom my lung](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a76l6q/update_i_will_not_give_nmom_my_lung/)
If you are not familiar with my story, please check out my post here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a6eh5k/my\_nmom\_is\_demanding\_i\_give\_her\_one\_of\_my\_lungs/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a6eh5k/my_nmom_is_demanding_i_give_her_one_of_my_lungs/)
After reading all of your thoughtful (yet crystal clear) comments, I will not be donating one of my Lungs to my Nmom. She will be ungrateful, continue smoking, and will most likely pass away after a short while anyway. Also, my quality of life will be diminished greatly and I WOULD regret it. I know so many of you were worried sick and asked for an update, well here it is! I made the right decision and hope I am strong enough to deal with the consequences if my Ndad kicks me out. To be honest, i'm terrified, but knowing I have an amazing community by my side is a pleasant comfort. Thank you for the crucial advice, thank you for caring!
\[\[Update Within An Update!\]\] ---> I LOVE YOU ALL SO SO SO MUCH!!!
&#x200B;
[Update 2: Transplant Coordinator told Nmom no Lung until she is smoke-free for at least 6 months and she is making my life miserable as a result](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/ab5lxf/transplant_coordinator_told_nmom_no_lung_until/)
Here is my previous post updating everyone: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a76l6q/update\_i\_will\_not\_give\_nmom\_my\_lung/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a76l6q/update_i_will_not_give_nmom_my_lung/)
Transplant rules are there for very specific reasons and have been refined over the decades. An irresponsible chain smoker will NEVER receive a healthy Lung, not until they prove to themselves and the doctors that health is a priority. My Nmom has not been willing to do that and so the Doctors informed her that the procedure is no possible. She already failed multiple tests and disobeys Doctor's orders. She thinks they'll agree to cut me open just because i'm her son and a match. I already said NO and have the Doctor's support, so what does she and my Ndad do? They make my life as difficult as possible hoping i'll "do the right thing for the family." The past month has been a nightmare. The next thing they'll try to do is squash my chances at College basketball. The holidays were depressing with no celebrations, forget about gifts and parties, I don't even remember the last time I had a genuine smile or laugh.
How do I cope with the mistreatment and manipulation? I need to interact with people who have so much more in common with me. I need your understanding. It would be a relief to read your sensible thoughts and get a break from the insanity of my Nparents.
&#x200B;
[Update 3: Nmom threw a fit in doctor's office after being told how wrong it is to coerce me for an organ](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/adqtkx/nmom_threw_a_fit_in_doctors_office_after_being/)
A few days after I made my previous post, I accompanied Nmom to the hospital for another check-up as her health declines. We hardly speak now since I explicitly told her that she won't be getting my Lung. I drove with her car because she is in no condition to do so and she always criticizes my driving. Everything I do is nitpicked and prodded repeatedly. Like I said, we barely speak now, but that won't stop her from speaking about me indirectly like i'm not even present in a passive aggressive way. One statement keeps repeating in my head, "If this illness doesn't kill me soon, it'll be in a car wreck. Either way, both could (while coughing uncontrollably) have been prevented." You see how insensitive and manipulative she is? She effortlessly degrades and tries to guilt-trip me all the time.
Anyways, we get to the doctor's office and after the usual workup, the hard truth comes out. The doc told her that even if I said yes, there is no way they would be going through with the operation due to evidence of clear coercion. She can't help herself and would argue with me in front of hospital staff. I guess the nurses overheard her threats towards me and informed the transplant team. That and me having a conversation with the doctors privately a couple weeks ago hinting at the abuse and my wishes. So, what does Nmom do next? She goes crazy and starts yelling belligerently at the doc, making absurd accusations and threatening to sue. Everyone except her and my Ndad know she has no credibility or basis for a case. She did this to herself. It's all on her and I refuse to feel guilty for caring about my health and future.
I needed to rant and get this out there. Thank you to everyone who has been showing support over the past few weeks. It means a lot.
&#x200B;
[Update 4: Nmom is 9 days smoke-free and taking frustrations out on me for keeping my lung](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/agrkxu/update_nmom_is_9_days_smokefree_and_taking/)
It has been a little over a week since my previous update:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/adqtkx/nmom\_threw\_a\_fit\_in\_doctors\_office\_after\_being/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/adqtkx/nmom_threw_a_fit_in_doctors_office_after_being/)
Many of you have asked to stay updated to what is going on. Well, she "kinda" started to try and quit the smoking. As you know, the withdrawal is intense and difficult to say the least. This means that she is impatient, frustrated, and complains about everything. She is taking her discontent out on me by name-calling, belittling, and taking away privileges. Anything she has power over is used against me. Internet, phone plan, car access, even opening my mail. When we argue, she hints at how I should reverse my decision. As someone said in the last update, it'll be a "snowballs chance in hell" before I give it to her. My enabler and sometimes narc dad just makes things worse by siding with his "soul-mate." They are perfectly destructive for each other and all I want is to be far away from this soon to burst toxic bubble. I'm currently at the school library typing this up using the public wifi, while trying to avoid spending time home as much as possible. I'm hanging in there everyone!
&#x200B;
[Update 5: Nmom strikes again, this time by "consulting" with a lawyer and complaining about the hospital "neglecting" her for a new lung](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/aj8qvw/update_nmom_strikes_again_this_time_by_consulting/)
My last update in case anyone is interested: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/agrkxu/update\_nmom\_is\_9\_days\_smokefree\_and\_taking/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/agrkxu/update_nmom_is_9_days_smokefree_and_taking/)
Yesterday, I found out that she met with a lawyer two times. I came back from school and overheard Nmom bragging to Ndad about how she is going to get back at the hospital for rejecting the transplant. I tried sneaking upstairs to avoid them, but she saw me and told me about everything in a boastful manner. She spoke on how serious the lawyer took her and that she is credible. I knew it was all nonsense when she said, "I read articles online and stories of patients being discarded like trash! All because the (profanity) damn hospital doesn't want to take unnecessary risks and spare their (more profanity) reputation." Then she praised herself for lasting 16 days without smoking and talked about earning a new lung. This is the exact mentality that I talk about. She feels entitled to another organ! It's ridiculously delusional.
I asked her where she got the money to pay the lawyer and she said, "I used the money that was meant for your graduation gift, you know, since you made it clear that family is not precious and all." That is when I walked to my room. I felt so dirty just being around so much toxicity, I actually took two showers that night. I felt much better after calming down and remembering that there is a happy future ahead and all I have to do is be patient. I was still amazed at the confidence she has in this case. So she did some Googling, big deal. That doesn't change the fact that I was being coerced and the docs know. She is my mother and a part of me feels bad, but enough is enough. All that lawyer cares about is her money because there's absolutely no basis to her claims. If she somehow takes them to court, I'm sure the judge is going to have a hard time NOT laughing in her face. Right now, the last thing I want is for her to waste someone else's lung because it WILL be ruined. I kinda feel like sabotaging her smoke-free 16 day streak by leaving a lit cigarette and tempting her. But... but as enticing as that sounds, I won't because I'm not like my Nparents and I'll never be.
&#x200B;
[Update 6: Nmom started using Nicotine Patches and says she is smoke-free for a month](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/an8qcg/update_nmom_started_using_nicotine_patches_and/)
Edit: I should have included a brief summary providing context for those that do not know. Nmom is ill and needs a Lung transplant. She tried to coerce me for my lung and the doctors found out, so they denied her an operation due to ethical concerns. She wasn't even on the list because a recipient must be at least 6 months smoke-free to be considered, which she isn't. But, she is in-denial and threatened to sue the hospital and so on. She is not credible and has no case. Check my post history for more info.
This is a short update. It has been a week and a half since the last one and I figured something is better than nothing. Things are mostly the same, except I came across these Nicotine Patches on the kitchen table, next to the empty ashtray. I asked Nmom about it and she said, "Oh those? They help with the cravings, that's all. I'm still clean and haven't smoked for a month now."
I'm pretty sure that the point of it all is to be NICOTINE free, not just cigarette free. There was no point in arguing because in her mind, she is 100% right all the time. Other than that, I've been hitting the books hard and staying positive. Thank you to those that reached out and for everyone that takes the time to stay posted on my crazy life. You are awesome!
&#x200B;
[Update 7: Nmom went crazy after reading one of my posts about the Lung situation and threw plates on the ground towards my direction. I'm now at the Emergency Room getting stitches](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/anpw7x/update_nmom_went_crazy_after_reading_one_of_my/) on [Raised by Narcissists](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/) by [/u/morecheeseIwant](https://www.reddit.com/user/MoreCheeseIWant/posts/)
If you are unfamiliar with my story, my Nmom is ill and requires a Lung transplant. She is not on the waiting list because she is a heavy smoker who cannot last the minimum requirement of 6 months smoke-free to be considered. She tried to coerce me for one of my lungs, but I refused. I told the doctors about the manipulation attempt and they told her no surgery due to ethical concerns. Check out this post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a76l6q/update\_i\_will\_not\_give\_nmom\_my\_lung/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a76l6q/update_i_will_not_give_nmom_my_lung/)
I was working on some homework in my room and went to the restroom. I usually leave my laptop locked, but completely forgot this time. Nmom walks into the room for whatever reason, looks at my laptop and starts snooping. I come out of the restroom and see her with a red face filled with rage. She yells, "YOU WRITE ABOUT ME TO STRANGERS?!! How could you?!?" I was stunned and felt the world spinning as I stood there speechless. We got into an argument as the only thing on my mind was how she violated my privacy. I remembered I had a Reddit tab open. She never uses this site and has no idea what my account name is or even what a subreddit is. She still doesn't because all she saw was a body of text and read a few sentences. She mentioned that she wasn't violating my privacy and that she was just trying to Google something.
Ndad heard all the commotion and Nmom went downstairs to tell him. They both turned on me. I wasn't answering their questions because Nmom was behaving like a child, while coughing all over the place. They ganged up on me, calling me nasty names. I snapped and screamed, "Yes! I write about you and your abuse! Because it's the only way I know how to cope with this shit!" Her face got even more red and for a second I thought she was going to cough up one of her black smoked-up lungs. She went to the kitchen to get some water and I followed to tell her to never use my laptop again. That is when she threw another fit and smashed two dish plates all over the floor. I quickly backpedaled and stepped on a sharp shard, cutting the bottom of my right foot real bad.
There was blood everywhere and I was in so much pain after the adrenaline wore off. Nmom started crying (can you believe that?) and rushed upstairs to her room. Ndad helped me out, but not without continuing to blame me and saying, "This is all your fault." Now here I am at the hospital getting stitches. I can barely walk because of the intense pain. I guess this was all a matter of time, with Nmom facing death with her poor deteriorating health. She finally blew up and it was directed towards me. Maybe all those delusions wore off, where she believed that there was a case to sue the hospital for negligence. I don't know. I'm just in shock at how rapidly my life took a turn for the worst. Ndad is in the waiting room and keeps getting calls from Nmom, who is still freaking out, "The internet is talking about me!" I suspect he is only here out of obligation or something. The doctor asked how I got hurt. I only told him I stepped on broken ceramic because it's all overwhelming right now. I'm 18 and they would not call CPS if they knew everything. Nmom cut off my cell service and if she knew I was using the hospital wifi writing this, she would probably... I don't even know at this point.
Doctor is back, I gotta go. Thanks for reading. This is a nightmare, but I will stay strong!
&#x200B;
&#x200B;
The tale is rather long, so it will be posted in two parts. [Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pk7pgq/a_mom_demands_her_son_give_her_one_of_his_lungs/) | Shi144 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pk7pae/a_mom_demands_her_son_give_her_one_of_his_lungs/ | pk7pae | 16,763 | 530 | [
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2021-09-08T10:18:00 | A mom demands her son give her one of his lungs - multiple updates - Part 2 | Suspected Fake | I am not OP. The tale is rather long, so it is posted in two parts. [Part 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pk7pae/a_mom_demands_her_son_give_her_one_of_his_lungs/)
[Update 8: I'm safe. Came back home after hospital. Nmom awkwardly apologized and is trying to guilt trip me, but I see through it!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/ao5x4i/update_im_safe_came_back_home_after_hospital_nmom/)
Many, many and many of you showed support, along with much appreciated concern for my well-being. I am safe! Don't worry, even though I realize this is an unsafe environment. I have my guard up and will never trust her again. Nmom apologized over and over again when Ndad drove me home. It was so surreal and uncomfortable. I gave her the silent treatment because the last thing I want is to give her any sort of ammunition. I limped up to my room, trying to avoid re-opening the wound on my right foot, and just rested in bed staring into an abyss for a while. It must not have been more than 30 minutes until Nmom walked in to try and "fix things." She claims she is worried about me, but doesn't realize how selfish it is to not give me space. While "worrying" about me, all she cares for is herself.
I told her to leave me alone. I was really hungry, but couldn't bring myself to go downstairs and the thought of eating food cooked by her sickened me to the core. So I fell asleep after reading dozens and dozens of amazing comments left by you all. When I woke up, Nmom cooked an entire breakfast and was uncharacteristically kind. I ate and then went back to my room without saying much. After everything that happened yesterday, I think skipping a couple days of school is alright. At the same time, I hate staying here all day. I wish I could be more mobile. I'd go to the library or something, anywhere but here.
I see all this kindness as a way to guilt and manipulate. She is always pulling strings, playing a disgusting game. I will never forget what she did to me and I count the days until I can be free. I can't wait until I graduate and go to college. Some of you have suggested I secure my mail and laptop. I will do that because she may try to sabotage college so I stay home. My foot feels a little better. It is very sore and periodically has a pulsing-type pain that goes away after a couple of minutes. Thank you for everything friends!
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[Update 9: Nmom is visiting her mom (my grandmother) for the weekend. Feels really good!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/aoi3aa/update_nmom_is_visiting_her_mom_my_grandmother/)
Previous update:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/ao5x4i/update\_im\_safe\_came\_back\_home\_after\_hospital\_nmom/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/ao5x4i/update_im_safe_came_back_home_after_hospital_nmom/)
I hope that I'm not posting too much. I just don't want to leave you all in the dark and possibly have people worry. I feel comfort, clarity, peace, and relief interacting with everyone here. I also feel tremendous relief at Nmom being gone for the next couple days, like I can finally breathe (well, I still have both lungs! haha)! I do not know if this trip was planned prior or if she is doing it on purpose after what happened. But, I will definitely take advantage of her absence and use the time and space to clear my mind.
This should be a nice weekend. It's kinda sad when you think about it though. That this is what it takes for me to have some fun, her being gone. I envy other teens. At the same time, I feel fortunate in a way to be this mature and aware at this age. I will never allow people to treat me the same way as my Nparents have. This time, I know what to watch out for. I know the signs and subtle behaviour cues. All of these narcs have a tell, something that completely exposes their true self. It's so difficult to notice with family/friends at first because there are a ton of emotions involved. But, when you are more objective, then strangers and acquaintances who have narc traits will be much easier to spot.
Oh look at me, giving tips to the pros. A month ago, I knew so little and thanks to you all, I learned so much. Happy Friday!
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[Update 10: My foot healed and feels better. Nmom on more drugs as condition worsens](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/asjp4s/update_my_foot_healed_and_feels_better_nmom_on/)
About a week and a half ago, Nmom found out about my Reddit posts and threw plates towards my feet, causing my right foot to get injured, needing stitches. Then she went to visit her mother (my grandmother) for a few days, which was much needed space for me. Here is more info on that:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/ao5x4i/update\_im\_safe\_came\_back\_home\_after\_hospital\_nmom/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/ao5x4i/update_im_safe_came_back_home_after_hospital_nmom/)
I have been keeping my distance and staying positive. My foot is healing quickly with no infection. I don't have much of a limp anymore, although there is still pain a few times a day if I walk a lot. Nmom left me alone and hasn't been bothering me. She is still sort of love-bombing, but not as much as the first 3-5 days after the incident. It's obvious and I don't fall for it.
Nmom coughed up blood this morning and went to the hospital. The doc put her on new meds. She is still smoke-free, or rather says that she is. I don't know and don't really care to be honest. Her health has been declining for a while now and without a transplant, it doesn't look good. But there is no transplant because the doctors don't trust her anymore. From the failed blood tests due to smoking to the coercion for my lung.... yea no new Lung for you to waste mom. My Narc dad is still enabling like usual.
I don't get the strong hold she has on him. One time, he told me a story of how they fell in love. I guess Nmom was such a great person before having me. After I was born, things started to change. He is blind to her shameful behavior. I'll never place myself in that type of relationship, where I ignore such toxicity. He's not as bad as her, but not intervening and supporting me is bad enough.
All in all, things are relatively ok. I'm focusing on school and have appointments with the school counselor. I'm feeling good at the moment. Thank you for reading. Have a great day/night everyone!
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[Update 11: Nmom jailed for attacking doctor](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/b00q90/update_nmom_jailed_for_attacking_doctor/)
\--> If you are unfamiliar with my story, please check out my post history. All of the information is there.
I just came back from the hospital and the craziest thing happened. Nmom had an appointment and asked me to take her. She was kind lately and I had the time, so we went to the doctor's office. Her health has been declining and it has been difficult finding the right balance of medications. This resulted in her impatience towards the doctor. Not only that, but she is always reminded of the Lung situation every time there is a doctor visit. The check-up started off civil until Nmom began raising her voice, complaining about the pain and the meds not working. The doc asked her to lower her voice and instead she increased the belligerence. Doc warned her that she would have to leave, but then she started getting in his face. I tried to intervene and she got even more wild. Then the doc asked the nurse to call for security . It was like she knew it already went too far and that is when she started throwing things everywhere.
Nmom continued her insane fit while the doc and me are trying to stop her. She punches him in the face and I decided to call the police. This has gone too far and now she is assaulting a medical professional. She saw me dialing, rushed towards me, grabbed the phone and slammed it on the ground. I have never seen her like this, even when she threw those plates at me a few weeks ago. This was much more violent and unhinged. It was taking security forever to get there and my phone screen was shattered, so I couldn't call the police. The doctor and I quickly left the room and closed the door as Nmom proceeds to throw things. Eventually help arrived and she was taken to jail after being psychologically evaluated first.
I gave my statement to the officers and drove back home. I wasn't going to the police station to see her in such a sad state. There would be no point and she deserved the punishment. Ndad left work and went straight to see her. The first thing he did was hire a lawyer and began proceedings to bail her out. She only spent 4-7 hours locked up after processing. I do not know if the doctor/hospital will file charges. It has been 17 hours since the terrible event. She damaged/destroyed hospital property, my phone, punched doctor in face, resisted arrest with cops, and doesn't even get a night in jail. I am so angry and dissapointed in her behavior. I am also dissapointed in Ndad's attitude towards her actions and decision-making.
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[Update 12: Nmom has to do some community service](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/bbglly/update_nmom_has_to_do_some_community_service/)
She made a deal with the judge and must fulfill a certain amount of hours of community service. I do not know the specific details. I do know that the judge made it clear that if she does not obey the rules, she will go to jail and pay a fine. She has been complaining about everything, like usual and feels that the system is against her. I think she should be jailed for punching the doctor and destroying hospital property, but it's the judge's call.
I have been focusing on school and exercising more to keep my mind clear. I got prescribed some anxiety meds as well. This was on the suggestion of my school counselor. It has been helping a lot. I feel calmer and less angry in general. Other than that, there is not much else. Thank you for the support everyone. It means a lot!
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[Update 13: Graduating soon and Nmom wants me to stay and take care of her](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/bpaf5y/update_graduating_soon_and_nmom_wants_me_to_stay/)
If you are not familiar with my story, I suggest you take a look at my post history. This has been a wild journey filled with ups and downs.
I haven't been able to update in a while because I forgot my password and then I remembered there is a piece of paper with the password written on. I successfully log in (finally!) and see that I gained 500 followers all of a sudden!! That may not be much to others, but on Reddit and based on what I talk/rant about, it is a big number of people curious enough to stick around and find out how my situation ends up. I thank you all for the amazing support over the past 5 months! Your kind words and advice have meant so much to me.
Not much has happened since the last update. Nmom is almost done with her community service and I am almost done with high school. I am on track to graduating and heading to college on time. I'm really excited and cannot wait! I've been keeping to myself for the most part, trying to avoid Nmom as much as possible. Staying busy helps a lot. I made a couple of new friends who will be attending the same university. They let me hang around at their house, as they are somewhat aware of how unpleasant my Nmom can be. I qualify for financial aid and have been working part time during the weekends, saving as much as possible since Nparents won't help out.
Nmom hates the idea of me gaining freedom and independence from her. She keeps trying to persuade me to take a year off after high school and spend time with her and Ndad. All she wants is someone to loyally obey and run errands all day. I won't do that and will never forget the way she treated me this past year. I won't forget how she broke my phone, injured my foot, slapped me in front of hospital staff, tried to coerce me for MY lung and more. I took your advice and have my mail secured with a friends address. I'm doing this! This summer, I will move out and never look back!!
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[Update 14: Nmom died](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/bv0b8h/nmom_died/)
Three days ago, two officers showed up at the house to inform me and my ndad about my nmom's car accident/death. I was in my room reading a book when I heard the doorbell and a voice saying, "Police, is anyone home?" I walked downstairs wondering why they are here. Maybe nmom broke her community service agreement or attacked another doctor. I defaulted into blaming her while completely unaware of what I was about to hear. I opened the door and noticed both officers looking concerned, just like you see on TV when families are informed of a loved ones death. I asked them what the problem was after they confirmed my identity first. Then they asked if anybody else was home. I said that ndad was at work and I'm home alone. They asked if they can come inside to talk. This is when I started to get really nervous and scared.
We sat down on the couch and they said, "Your mother had an accident... and we are very sorry to say that she passed away shortly after at the hospital... We are terribly sorry for your loss." I felt like I was dreaming. I had flashbacks of so many memories, specifically of bad ones where me and her argued. I felt angry, so very angry. I started to tear up and cry uncontrollably as the officers were reassuring me. I'm crying right now as I write this. The officers asked for when my ndad will be home. They were kind enough to stay with me since he would be off work within an hour. We mostly sat there in silence, but I really appreciated their company.
Ndad got home and received the news. He broke down crying as well. Then asked the officers to leave. Me and ndad hugged for a minute, in absolute shock. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I have no idea how to interpret any of it. It's easy to be angry and dissapointed in a narc parent, but everything changes when they pass away. You briefly forget all the bad and only think of the good, then you are hit with all the bad and feel resentment and maybe even relief. Upon feeling relief, you feel guilt and that is when it gets so confusing.
These past 5-6 months, I have been telling you my story. All of it was based on how terribly my nmom has treated me. I was mentally preparing myself for her inevitable death as her health deteriorated. We spoke about so many aspects of narc life on here. I cannot quantify how much this community has helped me. But, this is the hardest and most difficult period of my life right now. I did not think I would be feeling certain emotions, but I miss her. She is my mother after all. I hoped and wished for her love for so many years. I yearned for the love she could not or was not willing to provide. Now that she is gone, I feel like all of that potential love is gone, along with the hope I had for her to see the error in her ways. Everything has changed and my life is turning upside down. Any sense of stability I had fostered over the past several months is gone. My ndad suddenly drove off somewhere and has been gone since yesterday. I have no idea what to do. I don't know where he is or if he is safe.
Ndad is not much of an emotional person, but since my nmom's death, he has been super emotional. He drinks bottle after bottle of alcohol to cope. The house is a mess. I've been eating nothing but freezer food and crying all day. My friend comes over whenever he can to help, but not often with graduation looming. I'm alone in this depressing house. Ndad disappeared and I don't know if he's at a bar or decided to drive off a cliff somewhere. I'm contemplating whether or not to call the police. Part of me is not surprised that he makes it all about himself after something like this happens and just abandons his only son in an empty house. I had to take down all the pictures and box up my nmom's personal belongings, pretty much anything that reminded me of her. It hurts too much right now. I cannot describe the pain I am experiencing. I'm 18 years old but feel so vulnerable and helpless at the moment. I'm not equipped to deal with all of this. There are so many adult things that my nparents haven't taught me. Funeral, insurance, bills, etc.
What do I do? I don't think I can do anything productive. Why does this have to happen when I am so close to graduation and off to college?!! I tried to go to school today, but had tears running down my face uncontrollably in the middle of class. I walked out with my head down feeling like a mess. I spoke with my school counselor and they helped out to some degree, but I honestly forgot everything that came out of their mouth because of all the crying. I feel like I'm in a bubble that is stuck in time while the world continues to pass by me. | Shi144 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pk7pgq/a_mom_demands_her_son_give_her_one_of_his_lungs/ | pk7pgq | 17,212 | 623 | [
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2021-09-08T13:11:16 | OP's former boss is gossiping to their former co-workers about OP's mental health issues. How does she know? Turns out she's married to OP's therapist. | LegalAdvice | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/anlpqr/old_coworkers_are_telling_me_my_old_boss_talks_to/) is by /u/LAthrowaway3131.*
I started seeing a therapist a couple of months ago - nothing wild, just general depression, winter weather getting to me, etc. It's been very helpful until recently. In the last few days, two of my old coworkers called me to say my old boss was saying things like "LAthrowaway3131 basically hates herself now. I heard she's not doing well, really depressed." These were phone calls, and I didn't record anything because it was so unexpected. My old boss fired me in June of 2017 (we didn't get along, general underperformance, no misconduct; just obviously didn't leave on great terms).
At first I thought it might be a friend of mine divulging things to another friend in the industry, but then after looking up said old boss, I see that her husband is my therapist (very common last name, so I'd never realized they were related).
I realize this is obviously problematic with the therapist, but I'm not sure what to do about it? He practices out of a leased single office space, so there's no overarching practice management/administration to report to.
I also don't know if what my old boss is saying is getting into legal issues, or if it's just, well, rude. I still live in the same city and work the same type of job, in a rather small/close-knit industry. So on one hand, I'm worried about word traveling around our small community, but on the other, I'm worried about bad blood if I make too much of a fuss. Help?
**Edit:** I'm now feeling reasonably confident about where to start with the therapist - thank you. However, I feel completely lost about what to do about my old boss - contact HR at the old employer? Hope it just dies down? At this point I have no proof that I could show, just saying I got phone calls, and I don't really want to pit my old coworkers against their boss if that can be avoided.
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/b6cdfh/update_old_coworkers_are_telling_me_my_old_boss/)
**New developments summary:** There's still a lot of slow/bureaucratic stuff going on, but the most satisfying news is that my therapist is no longer practicing. I even saw the space he practiced out of listed as for sale on a real estate website while doing my own house hunting.
**New developments, continued:** Therapist was chatting about a client (me) to his wife (my old boss) that, it seemed, he really didn't know was his wife's old employee (large company, closely knit but not minuscule industry). I have a very peculiar family dynamic, so I think he talked about that. However, enough bits and pieces of identifying info came up that she suspected it was me. Unbeknownst to him, she found my paper records in his office and dug through them, then thought it was a great idea to tell my old coworkers that I was depressed and had family issues. Neat. One of my coworkers put in her two weeks because of a relocating spouse shortly after, then agreed to write a formal statement of what she heard, which also helped a lot. Understandably, no one else was willing to because the company's already laid off so many people in the last year.
**Resolution-in-process:** therapist seems to be less in the wrong than I thought he was (though still in the wrong), old boss is still awful. Therapist likely to receive some sort of reprimanding for both talking to his wife about me in that level of detail, as well as insecure recordkeeping. I don't know if he'll practice again.
***Thank you all*** - you were a huge help, and a confidence boost that me complaining about this would actually get it somewhere and not just create more stress in my life. It's apparently led to a ton of drama at my old workplace, which has been sort of pleasant to hear updates about from afar. Glad to not be there anymore. I also found a new therapist who's great, and she's really helped validate that the old guy (and his wife) was one bag egg in a sea of otherwise well-meaning people. | StreetDoge1 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pka86z/ops_former_boss_is_gossiping_to_their_former/ | pka86z | 4,094 | 1,087 | [
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2021-09-08T16:13:09 | My(f22) bf(m20) has a bizzare sexual fetish. | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. I am not the original author.*
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pjzgot/myf22_bfm20_has_a_bizzare_sexual_fetish/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) by [u/vwrwksx](https://www.reddit.com/user/vwrwksx/)
Me and my BF have been dating for about a year. He's very kind to me and can practically read my mind before I say something. Our casual sex is great and he always makes sure I'm satisfied before finishing. All this is great except for one thing, he has a really weird sexual fetish that he's had me participate in several times.
I think I'm pretty kinky but I dont even know what to call it. It usually goes as follows.
1. He blindfolds me and takes my clothes off slowly and without saying anything.
2. He picks me up and carries me down to his laundry room (I say laundry room but he's cleared out so its practically a bare room.)
3. He sits me onto a wood stool and leaves the room for maybe 5-10 minutes. I hear the door opening and closing so I assume he leaves the room.
4. He comes back in, making a loud steps as he circles around me. Sometimes he'll sniff me or touch my body but most of the time he just walks around me like a shark.
5. He'll stop walking and watch me for a few minutes. I don't hear his footsteps so I think he just stands there.
6. After that he wraps his arms around my neck suddenly and bends me over. I'll spare you the details but its basically the roughest sex he's ever had with me. He even covers my mouth when I make any noise, he usually likes my little moans.
7. After he's finished, he basically sets me down on the floor and takes the blindfold off. He always faces me away from the door so I don't seen him walk away.
8. A few minutes later he'll walk back in and be affectionate and essentially worship me for a few hours.
When I asked him why he does this and what about it he likes, he basically said "I like seeing you helpless and scared". This was sorta worrying to me but I can kinda understand how it helps him feel good. He's very calm, kind and understanding in every other aspect except for when he wants me to do this for him.
Im not sure if this is relevant but I'm pretty sure he's not going to see this. In the past he opened up to me about how when he was 11 he held a letter opener to his abusive father's throat. He said that he probably wouldn't have actually done it, but that It scared him that he thought about killing him.
I don't know how to react to this fetish of his. I enjoy it on some level but I'm worried what this might mean. What should I do?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pk9tm5/update_myf22_bfm20_has_a_bizzare_sexual_fetish/)
I spoke with my BF aswell as had him read each and every comment. Good and bad. I figured before we get into things I should clarify some things.
1. Somehow on my original post people were under the influence he locked me in the room when he would go to leave or when we were having sex. The door is unlocked before he comes to undress me, it stays unlocked until after we're finished. (He confirmed this) I am never locked inside the room or kept inside.
2. The door to the room is locked because I don't live with him, atleast not yet. I asked him if I could see the room and he gladly opened the door. It's just a white, drywalled room with linoleum floor. The same room I see everytime he takes the blindfold off and he walks me out. It is not a rape dungeon like some people implied.
3. "When he's leaving, he's letting somebody else go it and have sex with you" or something along those lines. I've been with my BF for long enough to know what he smells like, what his hands feel like, what his grunts sound like and every other little thing you learn about somebody after you've been with them for long enough. He's also very well endowed. It's him, I know it's him 100%. I don't need to set up a video camera to find that out.
4. "Your boyfriend is a rapist" uh no? I dont know what I expected but he isn't. He's very caring and always makes sure I'm doing okay inside and outside of this specific thing. He would never do that to me or anyone else.
Now onto our talk. I told him what I had done and the responses I had gotten. I got out a laptop and we looked at the whole thread. We talked about it and I think we're better for it.
1. Why do you enjoy it? "The trust you have in me to allow me to do that with you is a big turn on. I also enjoy the power dynamic of you being helpless and unaware of what's going to happen, while I get to decide when and how things happen."
2. Why do you leave the room so many times? "When I leave the room, I'm getting into character. It helps me get into the right mindset." He also wanted to add, "No, I'm absolutely not having other people have sex with you like some comments said."
3. Why do you stand around me like a predator before you go for me? "I saw a scene in Shindler's List and thought, while sick in context, it could be hot with the right person. That person's you. I do it because it lets you know I'm there and builds anticipation for whats going to happen next."
4. Should we do some more research on this and make a safeword? "I realize now I probably put you in a difficult situation. I'm sorry about that. I think we should both do some more research and better prepare ourselves for things like this."
That's about it. I think we both learned alot today and we're going to try to figure things out. Thanks for the help reddit! | qwerty98765432101 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pkdmeh/myf22_bfm20_has_a_bizzare_sexual_fetish/ | pkdmeh | 5,512 | 619 | [
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2021-09-08T16:57:03 | AITA for taking in my sister without giving heads up to my husband | AITA | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nzo6ja/aita_for_taking_in_my_sister_without_giving_heads
Hear me out. I was at my parent's place. I was over to help out my mom out with the garden. My younger sister is staying at home for college. It seems dad was yelling at her about something. He checked her phone and found that she is a lesbian. My mom was just watching her yell at him and backing him up. My sister was just crying. I am a pretty soft spoken person and I couldn't stop my dad from yelling but when he was done. I told her to pack her stuff and took her to my place. She is a pretty sensitive person and my parents are pretty assertive and rude sometimes.
I tried to text my husband but he was in a meeting and he rarely checks his phone while he works. He was surprised to find my sister in our home. I talked him about it and his okay with it but he is upset on two counts. The first being that I didn't give him any heads up and he hates being surprised by anything and that he will have to give up his quiet room which he uses to destress after work. He just hates having things jumped on him. He knows she has to stay here for a while and it makes sense.
I feel like an asshole as I should have done things a bit more calmly. I should talked to my husband before getting her out of there. I was pretty emotional during this whole thing. It was one of the worst things I have witnessed. I know much he loves his room and how great it has been to his mental health to have a place to be alone and process things. It has helped our relationship a lot. I fee like I am not prioritizing him here and I took a major decision without consulting him
Update:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pkbne2/update_aita_for_taking_in_my_sister_without
This is a strange update, My sister moved out ended up leaving within a month but her stay with us was illuminating in may ways, The things my sister pointed to me helped me realize that our marriage was designed to cater to all his wants and to meet bare minimum of my needs.
I tried to bring this up with him, Small things which could make me feel better but he didn't want to. I suggested couple's therapy and he thought it would just a process of blame being pinned on one of us. I started therapy with my own money and he was upset that I was wasting it when I was perfectly fine.
I started to paint again, something that he didn't like and he didn't scream at me he just changed his routine a little so that I had less time to paint and make a mess which he had to witness while I painted. My marriage was built around not making him sad, Throughout the relationship I was the one who was responsible for his feelings and I was the one who had to set mine aside to make him happy.
I got out and I am living with my sister. They had a extra room they had been looking to sublet and I took them up it. It is funny that I end in the same position that my sister started out the post in, I am not happier. I miss him and I have spend almost 9 years with him but It is liberating not to spend hours molding myself to make him happy. I am lot more calmer now. I really want to thank the commenters who planted the seed of doubts about my husband. | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pkegpe/aita_for_taking_in_my_sister_without_giving_heads/ | pkegpe | 3,231 | 1,203 | [
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2021-09-08T18:12:01 | "I[m28] want monogamy but don't know what to do complicated situation with pregnant poly fiancee[29f]" + UPDATE | Relationship_Advice | **I am not the original poster, this is a Repost. There's a** >!Semi-Happy!< **Ending.**
[**ORIGINAL POST**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/piwec7/im28_want_monogamy_but_dont_know_what_to_do/)
I have been with my fiancee for three years originally monogamously, a little over a year ago right after we got engaged she told me she realized she was polyamorous. It was a very long conversation where ultimately it was basically either be poly with her or lose her so I agreed. We sat down made a list of "rules" which was basically just communicate and always use protection. It didn't take long for her to start seeing and having other romantic partners two women and one guy though he was short lived. During that time I didn't have or seek other partners but used the extra time to focus on personal reflection with a new spirituality which lead me to realize i'm bisexual. I told her and she was supportive and encouraged me to explore and take on a male partner. So around 4 months ago when I realized I had always had feelings for my best friend I decided to be open with him which lead to us exploring my feelings/sexuality.
I'm not gonna lie I always new he had feelings for me but never allowed myself to consider that I returned his feelings. During the time that we began exploring things my fiancee took on 2 more female partners drastically decreasing our time together and increasing my time with him. I hate to say this and feel terrible but things with him are just easier and I think I have fallen out of love with her. Recently we had a serious talk and he told me as much as he loves me he can't keep doing this that he just wants to be with one person who only wants him. I told him I want that too that all I ever wanted was to be monogamous, get married build a "regular" family and only went along with this stuff to make her happy.
He told me to take sometime and be sure of what I want before making a change which i'm glad he did because right after that she told me she's pregnant. Please help here I know this is complicated and messy and honestly crazy but I just don't know what to do.
**EDIT**
I talked to one of her girlfriends who I have become friends with and she told me to insist that she take a pregnancy test in front of me. She seemed really sure that she isn't pregnant but refused to elaborate on why
**EDIT 2**
I messaged asking her if we can talk when she gets home and she said she isn't coming home tonight that she is staying at S's house\[one of her girlfriends\].
**EDIT 3**
Not proud of this but went through every trash can in the condo and not a single pregnancy test or package for one or even a receipt for one. It's after 7 am and wally world is open so getting a few tests and going to S's house so wish me luck and hope that after i'll actually get some sleep i'm exhausted.
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pk82z3/update_im28_want_monogamy_but_dont_know_what_to/)
First some of you were extremely compassionate thank you for that, to those that were rude or told me my feelings didn't matter or that no advice could be given until I knew if it was my baby(there is no baby she lied) may someone bless you with the same in return when your in desperate need!
Now to the update if you saw my edits despite asking me to stay home she didn't come home so I headed over to her girlfriend S's first thing in the morning with tests as a different girlfriend insisted she was not pregnant. They were surprised to see me and my now former fiancée was rather unhappy of my surprise especially when I presented the tests. She refused to take them and S was extremely confused about what was going on as we argued. Once S understood she dropped the first of two big bombshells she'd drop which was that she was with my ex fiancée when she got one of those arm implant birth controls 6 months ago without ever telling me. S then joined me in pushing for the truth and for her to take one of the test if she truly was pregnant or had gotten a positive test before.
I'm not gonna lie it was a very long argument with her locking herself in a room and at one point a bathroom without the tests. Eventually she came clean and told me she wasn't pregnant that she lied, she knew I was gonna leave her and "couldn't allow it". Apparently she had been going through my phone and realized I am in love with my boyfriend and was going to leave her. I instantly told her that it was over that I was done that she is disgusting and I never want to see her again much more colorfully then that though. She started begging and pleading with me to not leave her telling me that she'd give up all her partners and go back to just us or that I could have him too just not to leave her it was honestly pathetic to see. This is when S dropped her second bombshell as obviously hearing this upset her and she started going off asking how she could lie like that and how can she tell her she loves her and just throw 2 years away like this. Apparently they'd been seeing each other for two years!! She\[ex fiancée\] only brought up being poly a year and a half ago! So not only did she lie about being pregnant she also cheated and lied for at least half a year if not for our entire relationship.
She tried everything she could to keep me from leaving a lot of it's blur but I left and went straight to my boyfriends. I told him everything and cried in his arms as I did until I passed out from the lack of sleep and the exhaustion of the shit with her. Things are a mess and I'm a mess, he's suggested therapy and I honestly probably need it to unpack everything from her but at least i'm free to have the love, and life I want with someone who only wants me and also actual cares and makes me a priority. | RabbitsAmongUs | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pkfxug/im28_want_monogamy_but_dont_know_what_to_do/ | pkfxug | 5,809 | 1,040 | [
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2021-09-08T19:09:58 | AITA for refusing to walk my daughter down the aisle? | AITA | *This is a repost. I am not the OP.*
**AITA for refusing to walk my daughter down the aisle?**
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pdzrxz/aita_for_refusing_to_walk_my_daughter_down_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by u/herweddingday_
My daughter (26f) and I haven’t spoken in years. When she was 15 we found out she wasn’t my biological daughter and my wife had cheated on me years ago with a friend. As it turns out this so called “friend” was suddenly interested in playing dad. My wife and I divorced, my daughter learned the truth and I told her I still loved her no matter what. Of course she was interested now in getting to know her biological father and while it hurt I tried to accept that. She started pulling away from me after that. Even when trying to still do things together as a family she was no longer interested. The last straw was when she was 20 and living at my house. We were arguing because she’d dropped from her college courses, hasn't done anything for 3 months and mad because I told her she either needed to go to school or work if she wants to stay here for free. She told me I’m not her real dad so stop pretending like I am and she’ll just go stay with her real father. That broke me honestly. But I told her if that’s how she really feels then there’s really nothing left to say between us. And she did move out to go live with him. I was depressed for a very long time, drank so much. My son (24m) was my only reason to keep moving forward. For the first couple years I reached out to my daughter. She wanted no contact, I learned to accept that and move on. It helped me find more peace in my life. My son stopped talking to her for a while over this and was angry with her.
They still chat sometimes, which doesn’t bother me at all. Through him I learned her biological father died in October 2019. Also that she’s engaged. She reached out to me, first that she knows that “we haven’t talked in a while” but wants to ask me if I’d be willing to walk her down the isle. After a pretty long message about how much she hurt me in the past with her actions, I told her no. She didn’t want me to be her father anymore so I learned to no longer view her as my daughter. This turned into a fight between us because according to her it’s not her fault she wanted to know her real dad. And I agreed with her it’s not, but what was her fault was how she treated me ever since.
In my mind I know if he hadn’t passed we wouldn’t even be speaking right now. It ended with telling her I hope she enjoys her wedding but I want no part of it or her life. My son’s told me she’s ranting to my family that I’m ruining her day and she thought parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally. My brothers seem to think now that I am being an asshole and this is my chance to be in her life again. But I have no interest in that.
Still seems everyone has a strong opinion on it that I’m making it difficult for my daughter to have the wedding she wants when it would mean a lot to her. My son is on my side but the comments are still wearing me down and just for the sake of my sanity, am I being an asshole?
&#x200B;
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pkd6h9/update_aita_for_refusing_to_walk_my_daughter_down/)
Thank you for your support. Especially those fellow parents who reached out in my messages. Advice, judgement and suggestions on what to do about my family. It took sending a mass text to everyone who wouldn’t leave me alone about this. Took me some to time to think of what to right and clear my head from everything. The reminder of everything that I did over the years to try to be in her life and where that all ended. How detrimental it was to my mental health. They all remember how it was like. How much it put me in a dark place that took lots of therapy and the need to be there for my son to get out of. My brother called me after, he apologized for the way he was pushing this. We had a much longer conversation. I told him my decision to remain out of her life was final. So he respected that, since no one else has said anything I’m hoping that means everybody else got the message.
Best thing some suggested here was blocking out the others saying things and her. It wasn’t doing my mind any good. I spoke to her over the phone to talk about the way she’s been behaving online and the others in the family. I apologized for how things happened, and wish she didn’t have to deal with these life altering moments at such a young age. She made her choice for the past 6 years just the way I have. Even asked her to be honest with herself and answer (not to me), if her biological father hadn’t passed, would we be here right now speaking to eachother. She didn’t say anything. But that’s fine. It’s a question for her to honestly answer to herself. Like I did before I told her to enjoy her wedding and hope it’s a lovely healthy marriage. And this door to our relationship is closed, hope she could find peace with that and enjoy her life the way I have. Conversation ended shortly after that. She didn’t say if she would stop saying anything about me online so I just made sure to block her and others on her mom’s side of the family to make sure there’s no more bothering.
This is the peace of mind I needed and glad to have taken up this advice. | Kheldarson | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pkh2h8/aita_for_refusing_to_walk_my_daughter_down_the/ | pkh2h8 | 5,460 | 803 | [
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2021-09-08T19:42:04 | AITA for not helping my sister and husband pay for their IVF treatment using my inheritance despite having no immediate use for it? | AITA | *I am not OP. This is a repost.*
OP [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p5hxtt/aita\_for\_not\_helping\_my\_sister\_and\_husband\_pay/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p5hxtt/aita_for_not_helping_my_sister_and_husband_pay/)
I don't know what all info I should provide so if I miss something that you might need please do ask me and I'll answer asap.
So I am 25F and my sister, Ella is 31F. My husband = Tom and her husband = John.
Ella is bisexual and our parents were religious af. So when she brought home a gf in hs they kicked her out. She never got an inheritance when our mum died. The both of us had cut contact with our parents but I still decided to accept the money because I figured it's the one good thing to come out of our abusive life so why not.
The legal side of things were finalised a week ago. Ella and John came to see me while Tom was at work and told me they wanted to talk about something important. They said that they had exhausted all of their 'fertility' money and didn't have enough to try ivf again. I could see where this was going so I just said "I'm sorry Ella, I understand. I was thinking about this as well and Tom thinks this is the right thing to do too. You should have half of the money, you deserve it"
John tells me that's not what they wanted to talk about but that they wanted all of the money. I'm a bit taken aback. Apparently half won't be enough. I tell them that I was going to use my part (or if she didn't want the half, all of it) for my daughter's college fund and another fund for her to use for whatever she wishes during her teen years.
I remind Ella that we always promised each other our children will be financially well off because we never had that growing up. Where I live college is extremely expensive so despite my daughter being only 3 Tom and I wanted to start this for her.
I tell Ella and John all of this and Ella is just very upset at this point. John is more willing to have a conversation though. She comes back from the kicthen and says i'm rubbing the fact that i'm a mother in her face. I'm angry by this point because I thought she loved my daughter like her own. Ella said I was sabotaging her and that I owed her for looking after me when we were kids. John said since Ella "faced more struggles" she deserved it all despite knowing full well our parents hurt me regularly as well.
I was just not prepared to fight, my daughter needed my attention and I wanted Tom to be my side because Ella was acting aggressive.
I asked them to leave and called Tom. We discussed this again and agreed we shouldn't give them the money. Ella calls me and I pick up and she tells me she has to try again and that her relationship is rocky because they're frustrated they can't have a kid. I told her I would not give her the entire amount and just hung up.
I feel guilty about all of this now but I don't know if I should. Maybe since I don't have an immediate use for the money I should have given it to her? Am I an asshole?
&#x200B;
Update [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pkax81/update\_aita\_for\_not\_helping\_my\_sister\_and\_husband/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pkax81/update_aita_for_not_helping_my_sister_and_husband/)
Hello, I apologise for the update being so late (almost a month!). I got caught up with everything that was going on but now that I have a moment I thought i'd write this since a lot of you guys still want an update. I got a lot of helpful tips and also understood that I was so not the asshole. The relief I felt was huge so thanks for helping me out.
I didn't reach out to Ella or John like I initially planned now that I knew I had nothing to apologise for. A few days after though John come over (alone) to my house and apologised for what Ella said. But I was dumb for thinking they would stop there because John asked me about the money again. They still felt like they deserved all the money. Luckily for me, I did not have to deal with all of this for the second time since Tom was home and they talked. It ended with John threatening to sue and what not.
Ella began posting the nastiest things on facebook and it was embarrassing to explain everything to my friends...I just felt like I had to cut off contact. They were being aggressive and just overall so horrible to my family. I told Ella that I did not want to have contact with her anymore and blocked them all. Ella showed up with John again though, this time asking for half of the money. Tom and I talked about this and we decided not to give them anything. We offered it to them (even after the incident) and all they did was insult us. We're going to use it for our daughter's future. So I know that's a sad update but I got messages yesterday asking for one that I thought i'd still make a post. We talked to our lawyer and they can't really do anything legally and they probably won't even try because they have no money.
*To clarify some things*: Some people mentioned how IVF is not that expensive but Ella chose a very particular clinic. It's their second time doing the 'cycle' and so they decided to go for a more expensive option (though idk why) hence why they needed more than their half. At least this is what they told me.
We had a poor childhood but got a big inheritance because our parents were rich, they just didn't spend any money on us.
A lot of you think setting up a "teen fund" for my daughter would spoil her but it's not for anything she might want for fun. It's just an emergency fund that we wanted to set up so she could use it until she turns 18 in case of emergencies (or if she wants a car, or for travelling, and other things not related to college.) | embinksyy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pkhp42/aita_for_not_helping_my_sister_and_husband_pay/ | pkhp42 | 5,734 | 495 | [
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2021-09-08T21:29:31 | You never know who is going to ask about you | AmItheButtface | Reminder that I am not the OP who wrote the original posts, this is a repost that I thought you might find interesting.
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/comments/pik97l/wibtbf_for_letting_personal_knowledge_affect_my/)
**WIBTBF for letting personal knowledge affect my selection choice for a program?**
This is going to be a little vague bc it's way too specific, also may delete later. I work for a program that I've "graduated" from. It's the brain child of a very high-profile and liberal non-profit and it pulls in people globally. It essentially bolsters community leaders, put them through trainings, and gives them the chance to apply for a grant for the organization they're a part of. Cool enough.
Where I'm located the organizing scene is very small, so I'm usually one or two degrees of separation from the people applying in my area. A lot of them were good, and one of the people who made the cut to be considered by the round table of important folks, "Miya", was a stellar candidate. She had also applied once before, and I had seen her name once or twice and recognized it as someone working with a different org I know. I've also become very well acquainted with the executive director, "Rain" of said org.
Rain and I were shooting the shit, and I asked about why Miya left the organization. It was messier than I thought. In short, Miya failed to perform her job duties while on the clock, was caught working a second job and doing their work while not doing work for the other, talked to Rain like she was in charge, saying things like "I'm not dignifying that email with a response" and just generally being ungrateful and going AWOL. I was really shocked. The org pays well ($20+ an hr and working from home with benefits even for part time), Rain is fair and VERY laid back and generally doesn't care about the small things as long as your job is done. This testimony made me reconsider Miya, because I don't feel like she'll be responsible enough to keep up with the program.
I'm submitting my final selection tomorrow and I'm a bit torn on who to pick. I do feel bad because were it not for my personal knowledge I wouldn't have thought twice. However, when selecting a pair of people to help run the program this year, testimony from a coworker was also considered in selecting them. So WIBTB if I pass on Miya?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/comments/pke0e4/wibtbf_update_for_letting_personal_knowledge/)
Hey all, for anyone who was interested I wanted to give an update to [my last post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/comments/pik97l/wibtbf_for_letting_personal_knowledge_affect_my/). Miya did not make the semi-final cut for the program. I talked to my supervisors about it and they completely agreed with my decision. I didn't have the time to get things in writing, because my final selection was due, but this **is not for a job.** This is for a leadership development program that would give people the opportunity to receive a grant for a project idea, and they aren't paid for being a part of it. Even throughout the selection process, we took a lot of things into consideration: age, gender, race, (for diversity concerns) credentials, their project ideas **and interpersonal skills**: do they work well with others? Do they have the capacity to participate in the program and to potentially run their own program?
Also, who you know definitely matters. Some other candidates have people that can vouch for them, or they excited the organization. Miya burned a bridge and there are consequences for that. As other people have stated, my conversation with Rain turned into an impromptu reference check. I didn't clarify this either, but Miya was fired from her job and didn't just leave. The board of Rain's organization literally had to ask Rain "Why haven't you fired her yet?" and Rain had given her several chances and had more than one conversation about Miya's performance. Rain also ended our talk by still saying that Miya is a good person and potentially a good candidate but I took issue with the way she went about handling her last job. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pkjmqb/you_never_know_who_is_going_to_ask_about_you/ | pkjmqb | 4,144 | 344 | [
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2021-09-08T23:36:33 | The Saga of the Forrest Gump of Packages | Other (USPS) | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pklxsc/the_saga_of_the_forrest_gump_of_packages/ | pklxsc | 9 | 2 | [
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2021-09-09T00:36:06 | OP confronts husband over affair. Bonus of innocent coworker who accidentally knew he was cheating. | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost, I didn't author any of the posts.*
[OP's original post](https://www.removeddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pijd9v/today_is_my_birthday_and_my_gift_to_myself_is/)
**Today is my birthday and my gift to myself is telling my husband I know about his affair and I want a divorce.**
Hello everyone. I was in a dark, dark place in my head yesterday when I posted. Physically I was drunk in a bathtub, and my username pretty accurately reflects how I was feeling about myself.
Today is my 33rd birthday. My husband posted a photo of the two of us smiling and laughing and I reposted it and then I realized that it was all so pathetic and fake and weird. I’m going to talk to him tonight. I’m going to tell him I know all about it, that I don’t want to be with him anymore, putting on an act.
I know a lot of people are saying to go to the girls parents. She’s 18 or 19, i’m not sure which but when I was her age I considered myself an adult and she certainly is behaving like one and so I think it’s inevitable that her parents will hear about this on their own and when they do it’ll be up to her to deal with the repercussions like an adult.
I haven’t had the chance to read through all of the comments but I’m going to now. Thanks a lot everyone.
[OP's update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pkj1n0/update_i_know_my_husband_is_cheating_on_me_but_my/)
**I wrote this two days ago, and it was taken down as it was too soon after my original post. I am re-posting it as a lot of people have asked for an update.**
Previous posts are on my profile….Last night I (33F) called my husband (39M) and told him I canceled my birthday dinner reservations, that I wanted to have a serious talk with him. When he came home I didn’t beat around the bush. “I know about you and X, I deserve better than this, I want a divorce.”
He didn’t try to deny it, he just kept saying “okay” and giving me short answers. I asked if he loved her, he said “yes”. I asked how long it’s been going on, he said “a while”. Pre-pandemic? Yes. I asked why he didn’t just end it with me. He said “the timing has never been right”.
He’s referring to medical procedures our daughter has needed, I assume. We’ve been dealing with that for a few years.
Even though I knew about the affair a lot of this came as a shock. I got upset, I told him to get his stuff and get out of the house. He had an overnight bag already packed so I don’t know what to think about that. I asked where he was going to live he admitted he had a place he’s been paying for out of his business funds. So he’s been hiding an entirely separate apartment from me.
After he left things blew up. I had no intentions of telling the girls parents but I guess he went over there and picked her up or she told them or something. Her mother called me about an hour after he left, crying. I told her the truth, that I had no idea where his other place was and I didn’t have any other info about this.
I don’t think he’ll drag out the divorce. We both know the most custody he can get of the kids would be weekends. He can’t handle taking care of them longer than that. My finances are in order and the kids will stay with the house so I will too.
I feel like a bomb has dropped. My kids are used to their father being away on business so to they just think he’s on another trip. I don’t know what I’m going to tell them when they realize it’s more than that but I’ll figure that out when I get in a better headspace. I haven’t told anyone about this personally (I’m sure people have heard) but I hope it will be nice to not have to hide this.
Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I had to hit rock bottom to realize that I needed to get out of that situation.
Meanwhile, Redditors [noticed a post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pigapg/wibta_if_i_tell_my_coworker_her_husband_also_has/) in AmItheAsshole...
**WIBTA if I tell my coworker her husband also has an apartment (and is my neighbor?)**
Hi. I’m in a bit of a sticky situation. I’ve never been good at navigating social situations and this one has me really stumped.
I’m 25F. I just got my first full time teaching job and yesterday one of the other teachers invited us all over her house for a small get together.
I live in an apartment building and was pretty shocked when she introduced me to her husband and I realized that he was my next door neighbor at my apartment building. We’ve never spoken before, we’ve only seen each other in passing, waved at each other, etc. when my coworker introduced us it was really awkward. He’s not at his apartment every day, he comes every few days, never with his wife or kids that im aware of (he has two toddlers and a elementary age kid and I’ve never heard them), I’ve definitely seen him go in with a young woman. I’m not sure if his wife knows about the apartment or not, rent is $2,000/month plus utilities but for all I know he could pay it all through a business account or she could know all about it.
WIBTA if I mention something to the wife? it seems so weird if I don’t say something. I’m not going to make assumptions as to what’s going on, if I do say something it would just be along the lines of “I’ve ran into your husband quite a few times in my apartment building, does he have a separate home office?” (Which i don’t think is the case because their house giant and he clearly has an office in it) I know the apartment is his as the mailbox has his last name on it, I’ve never seen anyone else going in or out of it other than him and the guests he’s with.
I’m extremely socially awkward, I have no idea what to do here, if I was in her shoes I’d definitely want someone to tell me if I didn’t know but I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to do or not. Thanks everyone!
ETA: I haven’t known her long but she’s lovely, I can tell we’re going to be hanging out a lot throughout the school year and probably will become friends with her
2nd Edit: I have a piece of his mail (junk mail) that was accidentally delivered to my mailbox a few weeks ago…should I give it to her? would that make me TA?
3rd edit: yes, he could have an identical twin with the same name and the same tattoos. It’s not probable, but yeah I guess it is possible.
4th edit: Please stop with the hateful messages, telling me to “go kys”, I’m a c\*nt, I’m meddling….**I HAVE NO PLANS ON MEDDLING IN ANYONES MARRIAGE.** If I tell her, it will be FACTS. Things that ANYONE walking in or out of my apartment building can see. **IF HE WANTED THIS TO BE A SECRET HE SHOUDVE GOTTEN AN APARTMENT IN A DIFFERENT TOWN**.
Also telling her her husband has an apartment next to mine won’t get me fired, stop sending those messages too, I’m worried about some of you and your work places!
*OP knows now about her coworker's post, and said that her coworker was put in a very awkward situation. No kidding.* | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pkmxjs/op_confronts_husband_over_affair_bonus_of/ | pkmxjs | 6,911 | 554 | [
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2021-09-09T08:14:24 | AITA for spending a large amount of money in a trip with my dad instead of paying the debt on my boyfriends house? | AITA | Reposted with permission from [u/Special\_Shame9960](https://www.reddit.com/user/Special_Shame9960/)
[Orginal](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p35pgh/aita_for_spending_a_large_amount_of_money_in_a/)
\[Update at the end\]
I (29F) recently got in a fight with my boyfriend (30M) and his family because I refused to spend my savings in a house payment that could result in him getting kicked out of the house.
So, context: I've deal with mental health problems all my life, but when I turned 20 I was at my worst. Due to that, I couldn't mantain a stable job while studying in college. My parents have always been suportive with me. They let me live with them and my dad payed for my psicologist, medicines, all my college education and manteined me until I was 24 while also taking care of my mom and my 3 younger sibilings. He's a super hardwork man and I've seen him quit to thinks he enjoys and loves to give me and my sibilings the best he can. Top tier parenting and I love him to death.
Fast foward to this year, I've stable job that pays really well and I've been saving money for the past 5 years cuz I wanted to do something for my dad as a thank you for all the sacrifices he has done for me. His dream has always been to go to Disneyworld (we are not from the USA) and stay in one of those fancy hotels, but he was never able to do it and now that he is retired, he though he would never be able to. So I have been saving money in secret to make it happend, the only one that knew about my savings was my mom and she loved the idea.
I've been with my bf for 1 and a half years now, he has a good job but he is not the best at taking care of his economy. He bought his house before we meet and he is still paying for it. Due to his poor managment of money, he start to accumulating a debt in the house payments and a few weeks ago he told me that there is a chance of him losing his house if he doesn't pay the debt.
Last week I finally reached my goal and had enough money to take my dad to his dream trip, just the 2 of us. I told my bf and I was really excited but he was livid and told me that how could I be so selfish and go on a "stupid vacation trip" when he is about to get kicked out of his house. He also told me that if we were in for the long run, I should help him to get out of his debt because that could eventually be my house too (we don't live together, I live in a small apartment). He also told me that his trust was betrayed cuz I've been hidding the money savings from him and "a good partner does not do that". I told him that it was not my responsability to pay for his debt, but he keep yelling and me so I left. He told his mom and sister about it and now both of them have been harassing me, going to my apartnent and to my work telling me how horrible I am for not helping him and trying to convince me to pay his debt.
I get that my bf is going though a hard time but this is something I've been working really hard to achive and since my dad is starting to have difficulties to walk, with his eyesight and his health in general is getting worst, I don't want to wait anylonger to take him in this trip. Am I the asshole?
UPDATE!
Ok, first thank yall so much for the advice and knocking some sense into me. I read all the comments and tried to watch my situation from all the perspectives you gave me, so thank you!
So, here is what happened. After things calmed down a little, my bf and I talked. He actually apologized and told me that he never intended to come that agressive, he was just very stressed with his situation and took it on me. He also talked to her mother and sister to stop harassing me. He told me he didn't knew they went to see me, that he only vented with them cuz he was angry but never told them to do anything (which I kinda belive, his family has always been a bit too much). He recognized that it was not ok from him to expect money from me but he did wanted to be with me and he even started talking about living together.
I told him I understood that he was stressed and I also apologized for beeing insensitive and talk about spending all that money on a trip when I knew he was strugguling, that was totally on me and I did feel bad for that. But I told him that he had no right at beeing mad at me for "keeping my savings a secret" when he hasn't been transparent with his finances either, I didn't even knew how much his debt was until that day cuz he never wanted to talk about it with me. Basically, I told him I didn't wanted to be in a relationship with someone that reacts that way about something I care so much about and acuse me of beeing selfish. So I broke up with him, saying maybe we needed some time apart, and he was NOT happy about that. Long story short, it was a very dramatic and nasty breakup but I got out of there and I am safe for now, thankfully. Yall were right, I dodged a bullet there. I also managed to keep it all from my dad, so the trip is still a surprise for him (gotta thank my mom for that).
I have already started to book things for the trip. I'm planning it to be in october, since I've seen Halloween is a really huge thing there, also hoping the wave in Florida passes (I'll re-sketchual for next year if necesary) I saw all the tips in the comments and I took notes, so thank you guys for those too! I'll give my dad the news on his birthday midd september once I've everything booked and ready 💖 Again, thank yall so much!
TL;DR: I broke up with him and I'm taking my dad to Disney in october!
Ps.: sorry for format, grammar or spelling errors, I'm not a native english speaker and it's my first time using reddit lol. | Angry_ACoN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pktkoe/aita_for_spending_a_large_amount_of_money_in_a/ | pktkoe | 5,739 | 1,365 | [
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2021-09-09T16:29:28 | My girlfriend's obsession with Pokemon is embarrassing me | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost.* [*The original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/i02wzl/mym21_gff23_obsession_with_pokemon_is_embarassing/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) *is by* [u/ThrowRAroccoco](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAroccoco/)
So my gf loves pokemon. Sometimes when we go out she will ask me if it's alright if she checks for some pokestops on pokemon go. When someone we know talks about pokemon my gf gets really excited and want to be friends on pokemon go right away.
She also has many pokemon plushies, all of them in our shared bedroom. At first it was cute, but my friends are starting to make fun of me for dating a child.
My gf is very mature and an amazing partner but when I brought up how her obsession with Pokemon is embarrassing for her age she felt insulted and told me her liking and playing pokemon is no different than me playing LOL and minecraft. Still my buddies are making fun of us and I'm afraid she will get hurt once she hears them.
What to do? How to convince her she should maybe tone it down a little? My friends are visiting us and I'm sure they will make fun of her once they will see all of her plushies.
&#x200B;
[***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/i19vny/update_mym21_gff23_obsession_with_pokemon_is/)
I've decided to post this update because you were all right. I didn't have a gf problem. I had friends problem.
So I had a talk with my gf like one of the users have suggested. I explained to her that I'm not ashamed of her hobby, I just didn't want her to know what our friends were saying behind her back. She said she doesn't care about their opinion, she's just doing what she's enjoying the most. I apologized to her. She has also agreed to move her pokemon plushies so they wouldn't take up so much space.
Fast forward to today, few hours ago our friends have visited us. It didn't take long for them to start making fun of my gf. This time I got mad - she organized her plushies so they were all in our bedroom, she has not even once mentioned pokemons nor did she opened pokemon go app.
Long story short they were forced to leave. I've realized they don't have problem with my gf hobby - they have problem with my gf and I have enabled their behaviour by not reacting sooner. Told them they are the ones who needs to grow up & to visit us again once they will stop being boomers.
To show my gf how sorry I'm and to better understand her hobby I've downloaded the app myself. So now I'm trying to level up as much as I can because she has a mission when she needs to trade a pokemon with a friend, but to do so I need to be at least 10 lvl.
Thank you for all your comments, even the mean ones - they worked as a wake up call I guess.
Tl;dr: Turns out you all were right, I was an asshole. My friends are no longer welcomed in our house and now I'm playing with my gf. | SomaliMN | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pl186t/my_girlfriends_obsession_with_pokemon_is/ | pl186t | 2,909 | 2,210 | [
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2021-09-09T22:00:09 | AITA for dancing half naked in my living room leading to my bf and his family seeing me? + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pf77my/aita_for_dancing_half_naked_in_my_living_room/) by u/aitadancinghalfnaked
eta: Nate's family is also really conservative and he was brought up like that as well. Someone mentioned I should have added this in. Also, I'm from the US since a lot of people asked..
This is so so so embarrassing but I can't take it anymore. I have to know if i'm in the wrong here. I need to apologise if so...
I (21F) was told by my bf, "Nate" (26M) that i'd get the house to myself for the weekend. He said he had to go visit his parents to take care of a property related issue. I was pretty excited to have the house to myself because I have been living with Nate since I was 19 and I missed living alone (though Nate is the loml and in no way a trouble to live with)
I had this tradition of spending a lot of my weekends baking while in my lingerie (idk it makes me feel pretty. Yes ik it's stupid but it just makes me stupid happy) with music and dancing. Super embarrassing to admit but I also do silly things like pretending i'm a Victoria's model or a singer and I sing along, loudly. I mentioned this because this means the house is usually a mess. My dresses are all over and the music is super loud which is obviously not ok. I hadn't done that in a long time because Nate hates loud music and he's not a fan of my cupcakes. So i decided to do it this weekend.
So it's Sunday and I put on 'what a feeling by One Direction' and it's super loud, i'm only wearing lingerie (the Victoria's kind so lacy af. which I regret sm looking back ugh).
My bf used his key to open the door and I didn't hear him come in because like i said, it's loud in the house and i'm also in the kitchen/living room area. Apparently he wanted to surprise me... Nate brought his mom, dad, and his sister's two kids (only like 10M think). They come in and there I am, frozen in a dance pose like an idiot.
I quickly ran to our room, yelling "Sorry, wasn't expecting anyone!" and was putting on clothes, when Nate come in. He was so angry. He said i was acting like a child and that I embarrassed him. His parents wanted Nate to drop them back asap, refusing to stay and his mom called me a lot of names and said the kids had seen 'everything' and that made me feel guilty af...
Here's why I am losing sleep over this: On one hand, I didn't know they would come. I locked the door too so I feel like I didn't do anything wrong. I planned on cleaning up my mess before Nate came home too. Also, Nate and his mom insulted me a lot.
But when you look at it from their perspective, I was behaving like an immature person. The house was a mess, I looked a mess, there were baking supplies scattered. Nate just wanted to surprise me and do something nice.
Nate is still not completely talking to me, I don't know how to face his family, and I also know his sister told him to make me behave or smn... So I feel like I should apologise before things get worse but I can't decide for sure if i'm in the wrong here so I need your help.
thank you for reading.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pl5mm4/update_aita_for_dancing_half_naked_in_my_living/)
I saw a lot of messages and comments wanting an update so here it is. I'm sorry if I didn't get to your message, there were so many of them so I thought i'd make a post instead. I got a little overwhelmed (:
TL;DR: You guys were right, I am NTA. I used your advice and moved out (after confronting Nate about his behaviour)
After reading what everyone wrote I quickly realised that what Nate did was so so wrong. A lot of great moms in the comments also helped me understand the fact that even conservative moms (like Nate's) wouldn't react so rudely. It hit me like a wave when I realised what my life had come to. I didn't say anything to Nate about the post but he must have figured out that I was upset at him. I was doubting our relationship and pulling away from him. He started talking to me again and for a day I didn't really say anything. But I knew I had some decisions to make. I genuinely didn't believe I would get so many responses telling me I was NTA so this was eye opening for me.
So a few days after I made the post I told Nate that we needed to talk. I said that I would be staying with my friend until I felt comfortable around him. He didn't know what I was referring to (which just made me angry because how can he forget a fight that big) and I told him I was upset with how he treated me after the whole "your family walking in on me" incident. I also mentioned how I shouldn't have to wait for him to be away to dance, bake or listen to one direction just because he doesn't like it. He tried convincing me to stay but I left. I think he knew I wouldn't let this go like the other things (thanks to you guys)
Yesterday I asked him to meet me at a cafe so we could have a conversation about everything that happened. Nate cried. Like for the first time ever since I have known him. He apologised, told me he messed up, and that he would change because he realised his mistakes now. I told him I wanted to move out and maybe after a while, if he does actually change, i'd give us another chance. I just needed some space to think about things and so I told him we should take a break from each other for a while. Nate told me he would talk to his mom as well and that he should have defended me to which I said yes you should have. I actually borrowed direct sentences (to explain why he in the wrong) from some comments you guys left because it was so helpful. It went better than how I imagined it would go.
Also, thank you. Thank you doesn't even begin to cover what I really want to say to everyone who helped me and also to the mods who removed a lot of creepy comments. Thanks for sharing your stories about dancing in your underwear as well! It made me feel better to know I wasn't some freak for enjoying those things. I'm going to use those baking tips you guys gave to me and make cupcakes right now actually because I can. I feel so relieved. <3 | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pl7o8o/aita_for_dancing_half_naked_in_my_living_room/ | pl7o8o | 6,098 | 946 | [
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2021-09-09T22:33:28 | OOP's Sister in Law fell in love with a scammer, and OOP asks for help on how to help SIL realize it. | Scams | *This is a repost, I am not OOP. Original in* r/Scams
[Original:](https://www.reddit.com/r/Scams/comments/pe8050/my_brazilian_sil_in_in_love_with_this_american/)
My Brazilian SIL in in love with this "American doctor" that said he is working as a volunteer in Jordania. I told her he's a scammer, then he sent her this document to "prove" he can't really talk to her on video. Someone know we're this is from? Help!
[https://i.redd.it/kb2r3faybek71.jpg](https://i.redd.it/kb2r3faybek71.jpg)
\----------------------
[First update:](https://www.reddit.com/r/Scams/comments/pejr6b/update_my_brazilian_sil_is_in_love_with_a_scammer/)
My Brazilian SIL is in love with a scammer. So, he sent her this photo of "himself" to prove that he is real and now wants to talk to her via Google Hangouts (?). She thinks he is famous online and that's why "his photo" is everywhere. I'm beginning to lose hope.
[https://i.redd.it/urhltb7xeik71.jpg](https://i.redd.it/urhltb7xeik71.jpg)
\----------------------
[Second update:](https://www.reddit.com/r/Scams/comments/pevtkm/to_clear_things_regarding_my_sil_in_love_with_a/)
**To clear things regarding my SIL in love with a scammer.**
So, I came here seeking advice regarding a situation I've never lived before and the posts got a lot of attention so I thought it would be good to clear some things up.
I see my SIL on a daily basis since she is the only family my husband have (everyone else already passed away). As I mentioned before, she's 66yo, widow and never had kids, so she is very lonely and have found some nice interactions with people online - mostly from Facebook since she plays those games (Farmville or something).
She have a very hard history of depression and suicidal behavior and it's been very hard for us to find a way to help, since she refuses to leave the house (one of the reasons why my husband decided to move back in with her for a while).
Well, after this guy reached out to her, she changed for better, seems happier and was very excited to tell me about him. I realized very fast it was a scam, but I just CAN'T tell her straight in her face that this isn't the love of her life and she's being used because it would be very harsh on her and we honestly don't know how she's going to react.
I think it may be very easy for a native speaker to perceive "bad grammar" or "bad photoshopped documents", but not only is she not very familiar with how the internet works (and believes in a lot of information that comes from it) she's also not a native English speaker, so she relies on Google translate and other tools to communicate with this guy.
My point for reaching to anyone out here is to first be sure that this is a scam and if I have any way to prove to her that it is fake (by presenting pictures, other websites, images or anything) and to see if anyone else have gone through something similar and have some experience to share so that I can talk about it with her with the minimum damage possible to her self esteem and mental health.
Thank you to everyone that took the time to send links and very good proof about this topic and for being considerate, even though some truths are very hard to hear.
I am currently seeking for professional advice with a therapist about how we (me and SO) can talk to her about it.
Thank you again and I hope everyone is doing fine. Stay safe.
\----------------------
[Last update](https://www.reddit.com/r/Scams/comments/pl0usi/my_sil_is_in_love_with_a_scammer_last_update/)
Hi everyone!
This is the last update I'll be writing regarding the situation with my SIL and a scammer (I don't know how to link my other posts here, sorry!).
So we set up an online meeting with him this past Saturday. My SIL was very nervous, dressed up, put on makeup and everything to meet her lover for the first time. I was already heartbroken but said nothing.
First, he said we would be talking at 13pm because of his work schedule. More than 2 hours passed by and he was nowhere to be found. She got very upset but said "something must have happened at his job", because in her head a "doctor" have emergencies and priorities. Well, after two hours he logged in on hangouts and we started the call.
Guess what? His camera was "sadly and unexpectedly" not working. At that point I was pissed and wanting to stop this nonsense right way. But she was patient and kept trying.
Eventually they decided to just talk to each other without the camera. And I shit you not, as soon as he started talking I was DAMN FUCKING SURE he wasn't a native speaker OBVIOUSLY. His English was trash and he was clearly reading from some shitty ass translator.
I was telling her what to say so that they could talk and translating his answers for her to keep communication going. As time passes by she started to get uncomfortable. He said things like "I love you so much, can't wait to hold you in my arms, you are everything to me, my princess". IT WAS SO FAKE listening to this bullshit in his own voice, emotionless, zero commitment, like he was reading some boring ass cooking book.
I eventually turned it off and she just broke down. Cried and cried and said that she has nothing else to live for. It took me and husband almost two hours just to calm her down and talk her through this.
After all, we are still struggling to keep her well and trying to get her to see a therapist (she still refuses to go). I am desperately trying to get her to go to some elderly groups - we have some pretty nice ones that do a bunch of things like traveling, knitting, cooking, playing volleyball, swimming classes.. But no success yet.
Lastly I wanted to say thank you for everyone that tried to help, took time out of theirs lives to send me links and talk about this. It may seem superficial but sometimes the support we receive online is the only one we have that really seems to care.
Stay safe! | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pl8a1u/oops_sister_in_law_fell_in_love_with_a_scammer/ | pl8a1u | 5,901 | 619 | [
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2021-09-09T23:47:13 | Op wanted her boyfriend to stop sharing everything with her sister. | AITA | Disclaimer: I am not OP.
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ph9biz/aita_for_asking_my_bf_to_stop_sharing_everything/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf) by u/throwawaybfandsister and u/throwawaybf-sister2
aita for asking my bf to stop sharing everything with my sister?
hi i'm 24f and have been dating my boyfriend (26m) for 5 years now. we grew up together as neighbors and were friends for a couple years before dating. i love him so much, and i want to marry him. his family is great and i adore them all, and he's great with my family too. he also formed a great relationship with my sister (21f).
the issue is that i think their bond is *too* close. my bf and i live together, but he spends a lot of time with her. albeit i am sort of busy, i’m currently in grad school for engineering so i have to go to my classes. my bf works full time. my sister is currently “taking a gap year,” but that one year has extended from when she was 18. she comes over when i’m in seminars/classes. they have tons of inside jokes and share the same sense of humor and taste in movies. it makes me feel left out, but when i try to include myself they both stop being so enthusiastic and act like it’s super awkward to have me there. my sister and i were close growing up but started drifting when i went to uni. when my bf isn’t there and i talk to her, she becomes kinda cold and sometimes says rude things. once she told me to my face that i’m not good enough for him and that he deserves better (which made me cry for a couple days). he also gets her gifts for the most random achievements (like he got her a present for “making it through the week” even though she doesn’t do anything (she isn’t currently working or trying to pursue a hobby or interest, she’s just “taking it easy” (her own words))).
don't get me wrong, i'm glad my bf and my sister are friends, but my major problem is that my bf tells her *everything.* literally everything. he tells her things he doesn’t tell me, and talks to her about me and our relationship. she knows all our issues and good parts, to a level of detail that i wouldn’t even tell my closest friends or parents. she even knows the grades i got on my midterms/finals and what i think about my manager (i work part time to contribute to our apartment - but i also get paid for my research which goes towards our needs as well), which i feel is unnecessary for her to know since i didn't tell her myself. i asked him to step back a bit and stop telling her things about me and our relationship but he was shocked and told me that i’m an asshole for even requesting it. now i feel guilty, so aita?
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edit: holy crap, this blew up. thank you all for your responses and advice, you've literally made me reconsider everything that i thought i knew. the consensus is that there is something shady going on with my bf and my sister, which just makes me want to vomit. i'm now reading into every interaction and conversation and i feel so naïve for not noticing the red flags. i'm going to take your guys' suggestions and set up some nanny cams in my apartment (either way, it'll be good security). if nothing happens, then it'll be reassuring, and if something does happen...well, i'll deal with that after. i'm going to drive to the store right now to pick up the cameras - i'll try to update soon, hopefully with positive news.
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edit: hi everyone, i have an update. for some reason i can't figure out how to post an actual update (and get mod approval and all that) so if you guys know how, please educate me! i'm so sorry, i should be smarter than this but i'm a bit out of it right now 😅 if i don't end up figuring it out i'll just update on this post, but i'd like to make one of those cool update posts if possible. thanks everyone again for your advice and support.
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edit: the mods helped me out! thanks guys, i'll type up my update right now, so look out for it!
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ph9biz/aita_for_asking_my_bf_to_stop_sharing_everything/hc3ugy0/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3)
hi guys! ok so i know a lot of you are wanting an update. unfortunately the mods denied it but i think i'm allowed to post it here in the comments. also, yes i lost access to my account, which is why i have a new one, but i'll explain that afterwards. here's what happened:
hi everyone, i have an update. unfortunately it's a bad one, but (fortunately?) i didn't have to wait very long to get it. so the last update i posted was before i went to go get some nanny cams. i set up the cams in hidden spots in our bedroom and living room area in our apartment. today happens to be my birthday (yay for 25!) and "D," my close friend (25f), wanted to take me for a day trip yesterday. my bf agreed and said that we'd do something the next day, on my birthday. i told him i'd be out from about 8 am and i'd be home by 8 or 9 pm, after D and i finished dinner. D took me out, but she noticed i was feeling a bit off (i was still thinking about the overwhelming number of responses telling me that something shady was going on). i ended up spilling everything while we were eating lunch. D was outraged on my behalf and agreed that something was off. she asked if i wanted to cut our day short and drop back home to see if anything was happening, and convinced me by saying that "it's better to find out today than tomorrow." (yes i realize we could've just checked the nanny cams but for some reason we forgot about them in the moment. i'm kind of glad i didn't check, because i would've started ugly-crying in public). i'm guessing most of you know what happened (it's so predictable, i'm kicking myself afterwards for not realizing). we drove back home around 4 pm. i caught them literally in the act (why were they doing it at 4 pm? i don't even know). i just kind of stood there with my arms folded and i hope with a badass resting bitch face on (although maybe it was more a "trying not to cry" face). my bf gave me a whole "it was an accident" spiel. i just ignored him and started packing my things. thank god our lease was up for renewal within the month. he begged me and eventually yelled at me for packing up. the funny thing is, i bought most of the furniture and supplies. so, me being slightly petty, packed as much as i could. D helped me and we loaded everything up in her car. we left some stuff that couldn't fit but i'll go back for that later. the whole time, my sister was sitting stoically wrapped in a robe on my couch (my poor couch). we went back to D's house and i had a breakdown. D, the angel that she is, provided me with ice cream and fuzzy blankets. my bf spammed me with calls and texts, ranging from "i'm sorry, please forgive me, i love you, it was only one time" to "this wasn't my fault, you should've been home more" (predictable). we decided to check the recordings, and lo and behold, it was definitely not just once. i am really sad that the sister who used to bake cupcakes and do karaoke with me could betray me this badly. my bf...well he was my first, and in hindsight, he didn't really contribute much anyways. i spent yesterday kind of rotating through being devastated, angry, and self-righteous, but today D pampered me all day so it wasn't so bad. thanks for everyone's support, and i hope that everyone has a good day!
so after i wrote this all up and sent it to the mods, i went back to enjoying the rest of my birthday and D kept me distracted. i left my second laptop (it's an old, slow laptop and when i upgraded, i still kept it) at my apartment. turns out i had my email and stuff still signed in my my (now-ex) bf messed with it and i lost access to my emails and the original throwaway reddit account. but i did send what i had written to myself beforehand so that's why i can update here. i'm not sure if you guys will be able to see this but i hope you can.
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edit: also i forgot to add but i wrote up the actual update portion 2 days ago! lol it's not my birthday anymore but yeah hopefully that puts it in context. currently i've been staying with my friend and i've blocked both my ex-bf and my ex-sister. to be honest, it's a huge weight off my back, and i know this won't affect me forever. | FreshCookiesInSpace | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pl9jxw/op_wanted_her_boyfriend_to_stop_sharing/ | pl9jxw | 8,895 | 1,485 | [
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2021-09-10T11:19:01 | My son’s (18M) mother’s family poisoned him against me. He thinks I (33M) abandoned him | null | [removed] | pinkystarlett | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/plj1se/my_sons_18m_mothers_family_poisoned_him_against/ | plj1se | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-09-10T16:02:20 | OP overhears his wife telling her friend that her ex boyfriend who groomed and abused her and also threatened to kill OP is back in town. Wife is also in contact with the ex and believes he has changed. (Sad Update) | Relationship_Advice | [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p7qhgu/i_32m_overheard_my_wife_31f_telling_her_friend/) by [u/ThrowRADangerousExBF](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRADangerousExBF/)
I wasn't spying. I was cutting the grass and stopped to have a drink. She was on the phone and I overheard her. Basically her ex is back in town. He tried adding her on FB and she accepted. She'd been talking to him and feels he's changed. He wants to meet up to apologize for all the horrible things he's done to her. She thinks he's sincere and is happy to forgive.
Her ex-b/f is a genuine crazy monster. She had a restraining order against him after I convinced her. We were all afraid he might end up murdering us. We were that scared he would. He was that much of a monster. Have I mentioned how abusive he was to her? This was 9 years ago. We haven't heard from him since and I've forgotten about him.
I confronted her about this and voiced how concerned I was. Honestly, i told her I felt it was a betrayal and she should be open with me. This isn't some old flame, this is a guy who threatened to murder us. He told her that'd he'd absolutely murder me to show he truly loves her. She acts as if it's no real big deal. She's more upset I spied on her and she claims he's changed and isn't a monster anymore. Yeah, sure, once a monster always a monster. I refuse to believe he's reformed. Not one fucking bit. If he's reformed he'd stay away from her and cut off all contact. She admits she wasn't going to tell me. She didn't want to add to my stress and it doesn't involve me. He was the abusive to her, not me. I barely even met him. She dated him for years. This is closure for her, not me.
I don't really know what to do. I do not believe he has good intentions. I do believe their is a good possibly he may wish to harm me or her. I can't really find out. I don't have facebook and his is private. How can I convince her that is a very bad idea? How can I tell her that I'm not controlling and that this effects me too?
&#x200B;
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pj39rb/update_i_32m_overheard_my_wife_31f_telling_her/)
it's been a wild two weeks. I didn't have much of an update.
But, I knew this wasn't gunna end well. I got a text from her sister warning me about it. She was begging me to stop her from doing this. So I did something really stupid: I broke into her facebook. My fears were confirmed she'd been talking to him for a good while. Most of it was on alt accounts he made. But, she finally conceded maybe he was genuine. She said she thought about him and thinks they were young and made stupid mistakes. He claims it was just he was not mature and never meant any of the terrible things he did. BS. They're going to meet up at a cafe. Have a few drinks and talk. They were flirting.
I didn't confront her. I wish I did but, I didn't know what else to do. Weds of last week she said she was visiting a friend for dinner and wasn't gunna be home. I wasn't dumb. I told her if shes gunna be meeting her ex...don't bother coming home. She just told me i was being paranoid. Again. BS.
After much stewing I decided, no, I can't trust her. I go to meet up with them. Surprise! She's with him and they aren't just talking. They're being really intimate. I can tell she was flirting. I just lay it out: I made a fool of myself and fucked myself over. I confronted them and told her we were leaving. I made a big scene. She was mortified and enraged when she learned I broke into her facebook. In the end I left alone after the Manager threatened to call Police.
She didn't come home that night. She came home in the morning and didn't say a word. just threw her ring at me and packed her bags and took the kids. Don't contact her ever again without a lawyer present. She's gunna file a restraining order against me. She's staying with him now. It's over.
tl;dr
Abusive ex-b/f is back. Wife has been talking to him on FB for a while now. Is firmly convinced he's changed (he hasnt). She's ghosted me and wants nothing to do with me ever again. Dunno if ill see the kids again. She's just gone. | holalesamigos | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/plny0o/op_overhears_his_wife_telling_her_friend_that_her/ | plny0o | 4,159 | 982 | [
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2021-09-11T01:55:33 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/plyec3/deleted_by_user/ | plyec3 | 9 | 1,134 | [
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2021-09-11T12:20:16 | REPOST: Fiance's closest friends are all women and OOP is insecure about it | Relationship_Advice | This is not my story, and was originally posted in r/relationship_advice by u/ThrowRAFeelinInsec
📷
Ok, reddit, I need your advice. My (F32) Fiance (M35) “Jake” and I have dated for two years and been engaged for four months. I love him more than I ever thought possible. He’s handsome, rugged, OMG in the bedroom, kind, respectful, has a great sense of humor, and is more empathic than any man I’ve ever known. When he asks me how my day went or how I’m feeling, he’s actually interested in my response!
Here’s the thing: ALL of his close friends, including his best friend “Zoe”, are female. A couple of his close friends are ex-gf’s. They all get along so well you’d think they were his cousins or even his sisters. One of those close friends (not a former girlfriend), “Beth” has known him since they were 13 years old and they went through high school together. Same with Zoe.
I work with Beth and it was at her wedding reception that she introduced us. At the reception, Jake stood up and gave a touching, funny, beautiful speech about their long friendship, wished her well on her marriage, and when he was done people were both crying and smiling (including me). When I asked him how long it took him to write such an amazing speech, he looked at me confused and smiled. Later I found out he hadn’t written down anything. He gave that entire speech off the top of his head!
After the reception, I pestered Beth with questions about Jake. She told me Jake is very special to her and her family (I did notice Beth’s mother doted on Jake like he was her son). Jake had cheered her up when her first marriage ended due to her then-husband’s infidelity. Like they had when they were teenagers, they went on platonic movie dates and he became the man she could go to with any question (no matter how embarrassing) and he would answer her without judgment. Jake encouraged her to accept a date from her now-husband, helping her get over her own self-doubts from her first husband’s cheating.
She called Jake an “old-fashioned, serial monogamist”. As long as she’s known him he only dates one person at a time. He doesn’t tolerate cheaters or parents who abandon their children (which is why he cut ties with most of his male friends over the years). None of his breakups have been bad, but he’s remained on good terms with most of his ex’s (he uses the phrase “former gf” and not “ex-gf”) and two of them are still very present in his life.
One of these ex-gfs, “Lena”, owns rental properties with him. She works for a large investment bank, so she knows her stuff. Their investments are doing very well and he could probably retire now if he wanted (he loves his job). Lena is from Europe, very pretty, and I was worried about her until I found out how much she loves to travel every single chance she gets (and I know it just wore him out to keep up with her since he's more of a homebody).
When we began dating, I met all of these women one at a time and they were all very sweet to me. He answered every question I had about them. He was honest about which of those he dated and why each relationship ended. I asked him why he’s only close friends with women and he said he didn’t have a good relationship with his own mother, so his female friends provide him with the female affection and approval he lacked growing up. When I remarked that his response was very self-aware, he told me it took a lot of therapy to get there.
With his urging, Beth and Zoe gave me the background on his relationship with his mother over a “girl’s dinner”. It wasn’t just “not good”, it was horrible. The woman was a drunk who screamed at him all the time that he was the reason his parents divorced (actually, she cheated on his father), told him he ruined her life (he didn’t like the parade of men she dated), and even threw a knife at him -- which led to him living with Beth’s family for the last two months of high school before he left for the military. I was sobbing by the time they finished. I rushed home, held him as tightly as I could, and told him that I loved him over and over, that I couldn’t wait to be his wife and give him lots of babies to love him, too!
My brain understands his female friendships. My heart trusts him completely. But I guess deep inside my own insecurities keep making me question things between him and his female friends. I made the mistake of asking my sister about it and she went off about how he’s probably sleeping with all of them (she’s never met Jake or any of his friends). My sister isn’t the most credible source since she destroyed more than one relationship by cheating.
My sister kept going on about how Jake should already be married by now if he was so great. About that… Jake’s very particular about certain things. He’s never had a one night stand. Never. Not in the military, not in college, never. He’s a germophobe (like me) and terrified of STDs (also like me). Getting STD tests before we became intimate may not seem romantic to others, but for me it was wonderful.
He hates alcoholics (“DUI should mean 10 years in prison”). He doesn’t find tattoos attractive ("not my thing") and refuses to date women who are divorced (“my first marriage should be her first marriage”), single mothers (“it wouldn’t be right to push a father out of his kids’ lives”), partiers (bookstores are better than clubs”) or not financially stable (“people who are bad with money are bad at relationships'').
FYI: None of his female friends fit what he wants in a life partner. Beth is on her second marriage, Zoe is a single mother, Lena's career ambitions leaves no time for relationships, etc.
All of this makes perfect sense. He’s completely open with his phone, computer, etc. He caught me one night early in our relationship trying to open his cell phone to look through his messages. Instead of getting mad, he just smiled, kissed me on my forehead, told me his pass code, then went to bed and wished me “happy reading”. I was so embarrassed! Of course I looked. It was only then I realized how deep their friendships were. They constantly cheer each other up, give each other encouragement, vent, etc. Even Lena, who I thought was the most confident woman in the world, needed his encouragement to ask for a promotion! Zoe helped him pick out my non-traditional ring (I totally love it).
So, reddit, I have absolutely no logical reason to feel insecure about my fiance’s close friends all being female… so, why do I?
tl;dr: Fiance's closest friends are all women and I'm worried my insecurity about it will ruin our relationship.
UPDATEI just wanted to thank those of you who did respond. Some of you pointed out that I should ask myself what is it about me that makes me insecure about my fiance's friendships with women. Turns out, that was the right question to ask.
So, after a few sessions with a therapist, I know why: I've never witnessed or been part of healthy, platonic friendships between males and females. It seems like every male I've ever called a friend has at some point made a move on me. Same thing for my sister, our female friends, and even our mom. As soon as I came to this realization, a lot of my anxiety faded.
Jake's friends have adopted me into their group, always including me as much as they can. They've all made it clear that they are my friends now, too. I can't explain how much better this has all made me feel.
Zoe has been amazing, listening to me cry, cheering me up. I think I've found a new best friend. I'd ask her to be my Maid of Honor but she's already going to be Jake's Best "Man". Wedding planner told me its a lot more common now.
Anyway, just wanted to give a quick update and thank those of you who responded. | haaskaalbaas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pm6fuc/repost_fiances_closest_friends_are_all_women_and/ | pm6fuc | 7,831 | 1,328 | [
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2021-09-11T13:29:13 | Oop's wife makes prank videos with their kids, 6 and 1 years old. Quite the roller coaster | AITA | AITA for telling my wife she can't make videos with our kids anymore?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pm2oyz/aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_cant_make_videos/
My wife loves making TikTok and IG videos. She posts organizing videos, cleaning, sorting etc. Lately she's been pranking our kids 6 & 1. There was one time I heard my 6 yr old screaming and crying because my wife scared her. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now and I told her many times to tone it down. Our 6 yr old daughter doesn't want to sleep in her room anymore because she's scared of monsters and ghosts. My wife downplayed it saying she'll get over it in time. The final straw was yesterday when she made our 1 yr old son cry by scaring him. It took a while for our baby to stop crying and my wife was just laughing while editing her video. I told her she needs to stop traumatizing our kids for her follower's entertainment. It's not okay anymore. She argued with me and I ended up sleeping in the guest room. AITA? Am I being unreasonable or too sensitive?
Edit: She also pranks me and documents almost everything in our daily life. I haven't given her my consent at all and this is not the first time we fought because of her obsession to social media. She's changed a lot after gaining a few thousand followers. I am honestly considering divorce if she refused counseling. My kids' wellbeing is more important to me so I have to put my foot down and stop this nonsense.
Edit: Let me just quickly update you guys. So after posting this, I checked my wife's IG (I am still sleeping in our guest room) I found out that she posted in her story the video I told her to delete. It was a video of our son.
3:32 am now and my kids and I are in a hotel. I had to wake them up, I never even got to pack their clothes. My wife is now calling me nonstop but I'm ignoring it all. Come morning we'll head to my parents' in Nevada. I don't know what will happen next but I'm pretty much done with her sh*t.
Edit: I read some of your advice and after talking to my lawyer/friend, I've decided to stay here and have my parents come to us instead. I also talked to my wife, she was very apologetic and we agreed to talk later over lunch. I am still hoping that we can save this marriage. I love her so much but she needs to really show us that she's changed for the sake of our children. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. I better get some sleep now. | ohdearitsrichardiii | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pm7g4h/oops_wife_makes_prank_videos_with_their_kids_6/ | pm7g4h | 2,432 | 1,219 | [
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2021-09-12T09:43:56 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/pmpslq/deleted_by_user/ | pmpslq | 9 | 1 | [
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