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2021-06-28T04:27:42 | AITA For suing my girlfriend after she had my 1967 impala project taken to the scrapyard? | AITA | **This is not my post, this is a repost from AITA. I did edit in some paragraphs though.**
Link to original, which includes pictures if the car https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gr8bp3/aita_for_suing_my_girlfriend_after_she_had_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I'll try to keep this short. I had a [1967 Impala 4 door](https://i.imgur.com/HLBPpTF.jpg) that I bought in Feb 2019. A couple months ago I bought my first house that had a 2.5 car garage. I moved the car in and started tearing it down for a complete restoration. I had the body in one bay and the chassis in another, plus the whole garage filled with parts.
About two months ago my girlfriend came to live with me during this whole crisis and the whole time has hated that car. She wants to park in the garage but I have 2 acres of land with a lot of nice places to park under shady trees or hell even in the barn if it has to be inside. I tell her tough luck its my house and its not like I can just throw it back together real quick. Anyways I was out of town for a couple days on a business trip for the small local company I work for.
When I got back, my girlfriend was all smiles. Making me food all the time, doing all the chores, all that. I though maybe she just was happy to have me home but then I realized that I didn't see her car in it's usual spot. I asked her where she parked so I could make sure I mow that area and keep it clean and she said not to worry because she parked in the garage.
I asked how and she told me to go check it out. Turns out that while I was gone she hired some people to come over and move everything related to that car, including the drivetrain, body, and chassis and all parts, and take it to the local dump/scrapyard. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I had spent over 11k on that car including new parts, services, and the car itself.
I told her that I was going to be taking her to court for that and she brushed me off like I was being dramatic. I told her that its done between us and to pack her things and leave. I admit I was a really angry but I did end up getting a lawyer, and as I have all the receipts for all that money spent and I have her on my house's security cam footage letting the guys in and watching them take it all I think I can win. Her family and friends are absolutely blowing me up saying its just a stupid old piece of junk and that she cannot pay back all that money I spent, and that I should just let it go.
But I have been putting all my time, effort, and money into that car for a year and a half now and goddammit if I am not going to get justice for what she did. AITA
Edit: Thank you all so much for the support and awards and everything. I'm glad I have some people on my side. I got a call from her mom about 20 minutes ago and she told me that i was ruining her daughter's life over a stupid car. I told her she ruined her own life. I've been gathering documentation and stuff and I'm about to head down to the police station and file a report, as suggested by lots here. Once again thank you all
UPDATE : went to the police station last night, was told to come back in the morning. just got back and filed an official report against her for grand larceny and grand theft auto.
i showed them all the receipts i had for the car and the footage of her letting the guys come and take it as well as the title for the vehicle in my name. they said they will be in contact with all 3 parties (me, ex gf, and junkyard guys) soon and they will hopefully be able to recover some or all of the car. just have to wait now
HUGE UPDATE : THEY FOUND MY GODDAMN CAR!! the junkyard guys apparently were in the middle of hiding it when the police came to ask them questions. it was on a forklift and they were gonna put it on top of a pile of cars that was hidden behind more piles of cars. they said it was theirs and they had the title, but obviously didnt have the title for it and since they matched the vin on the chassis and body to the vin on my title, it was obviously mine.
I know at least one person there has been arrested, i think he was in the camera footage i talked about earlier but idk if it was the boss or whomever or even his specific charge, they also told me they would be looking into this specific junkyard for any other vehicles reported stolen. they said they haven't been able to get in contact with my ex just yet but they're working on it. im just so glad they found my car.
luckily i made quite an album of pictures detailing me tearing down the car and so i can use that to prove what parts they had were mine so i can hopefully get most or all of it back. police haven't let me take it back home yet as they say it is evidence or something so hopefully i can get it back eventually. thank you all so much for the support and advice! SHES GONNA BE ALRIGHT | 9shadowcat9 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/o9cwew/aita_for_suing_my_girlfriend_after_she_had_my/ | o9cwew | 4,878 | 675 | [
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2021-06-28T14:53:04 | AITA for asking my fiance to pay a bride price? | AITA | [Original post by Deleted](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mehoia/aita_for_asking_my_fiance_to_pay_a_bride_price/?sort=new)
**Original**
Throwaway for obvs reasons. I am not asking your opinion on bride prices. I am asking if i was wrong for doing what I did.
My fiance (32M) is a white, European man. I (31F) am a black African woman. We've been dating for 7 years. I came to his country to study and have lived and worked here since. Ever since we started dating, he took such an interest in my culture. Asked me to teach him my language, culture and we've even been to visit a few times. He asked me to marry him last year and I accepted.
We are (were?) planning our wedding. I mentioned we'd need to account for my family back home; we could have the traditional wedding in my home country and the white wedding in his, since we don't want to ask anyone to fly and get visas etc. The issue came when I mentioned a bride price needing to be paid, something he scoffed at. (To call it a "bride price" is misleading because there is so much more to it than the money that changes hands; its our time honoured tradition that blends 2 families into 1 and jts always something i wanted to do when u got married) I mentioned he knew of marriage customs in my country and that they include a BP. We both work in law/human rights type of fields so he assumed i would be against a BP. I told him I'm against it being a forced and money making thing, but I'm asking that he does it bc I choose it and I want to honour my parents & culture. He refused, saying it was backwards and extortionate and it would be like he bought me. I assured him that wasn't the case. My parents would charge a tokenistic/symbolic amount, nothing crazy just to symbolise us getting together. I said if my parents were to "sell me", he couldn't afford me 🤷🏾♀️ this set him off in a rage because I somehow insulted him by saying that, when what I meant is my parents aren't looking to make money off me, but this is something my people have done for millenia and I dont want to break from tradition. I have said idk if I'm willing to go ahead with marrying him if he isn't willing to make the trip to my country and talk to my parents about the lobola process. He says I'm forcing/manipulating him. I am not. He knew from day 1 who I was and where I came from. This is what my people do and I feel for him to label it backwards is eurocentric bc he is viewing it from his lens, despite me having explained what its actually about it.
Tldr: my white boyfriend won't pay a honour my culture in our marriage and idk if I want marry him if he's unwilling. Aita?
ETA: there's a lot of misconception and ignorance in the comments. I shall try to clarify. 1. Bf and I didnt talk about BP in our specific context. However, he knew from real life and fictional context the marriage customs of my people. I assumed that he, knowing what he knows, would have known the steps necessary for marrying me. Perhaps I was wrong to assume that. This lobola is no affront to him or his upbringing outside of what I view to be a judgement of moral superiority. 2. A lot of your comments are ignorant with thinly veiled racial undertones. I knew coming to a platform with predominantly white users, this was a risk. I ask that you read what you're saying before you post, and ask yourself if youre coming from a position of superiority coloured by your beliefs of Africa and Africans. Step outside your world view. 3. Frankly, my parents are wealthy. They neither need nor plan to get rich off my marriage. They have a demonstrated pattern of behaviour that assures me they are reasonable and fair when it comes to this kind of thing. 4. The money is a miniscule - literally like 5% - part of the traditional marriage, but it is a part of it. The other 95% is not monetary and is a beautiful ceremony that blends two families together. My concern is that if he's willing to shun the 95% for the sake of the 5%, what does mt future w this man look like? 5. Culturally, if we do not go through these customs, I am not married and my marriage won't be recognised. The ceremony is a cultural must have, the wedding ceremony a nice to have. My family mean a lot and my parents have done a lot for me. I disrespect my parents over something that I not only think is a non issue, but something I agree with. You seem to miss the part where I am willingly consenting to this.
Final edit. Logging off. Lobola is something I am unable and unwilling to scrap. I'll talk to him we shall decide on the future of this relationship. If its something he is unwilling to partake in, I guess we'll have our answer. Thanks to those of you who were useful in your advice and respectful in your disagreements. Bye.
**Update (on profile page but recovered from comments)**
AITA mods didn't allow an update on the sub so for those of you who've asked. Here it is.
I have over 100 messages in my inbox. Most are nice, some are decidedly not. I would love to respond to all of you [civil people] but I have a jooob baby and I can't do that, so I'll do my best to answer here.
Firstly I want to thank those of you who reached out to check on my after this. It's kind of you, but you don't need to worry about me. I'm a big girl and I know how to handle myself 😘
This post got a lot more traction than I was expecting. Like a lot, a lot. I don't use this sub but it's somewhat infamous so I thought I'd try it. It seems I was asking too much of redditors by asking them to engage in a little cultural relativism. That's on me, I'll take that L.
I've heard from so many African women in interracial relationships whose white partners have observed their version of lobola. Thank you all. It was really nice to hear from people who not only understand the culture but have been through something similar. It is people like you I was hoping to hear from, so I'm grateful you were able to offer some perspective. I wish I could respond to you all. Know that I'm grateful for your input and I wish you well 💗I also heard from a lot of Asian users who have similar cultural practices which they wish to uphold when they marry. Rooting for you all, you deserve to be your authentic selves with your chosen spouses. It's always fascinating to me to hear how other people live. Thank you again for reaching out to tell me your stories. 😊
A lot of you were mad that I pointed out there was racial and cultural superiority in your comments. Stay mad. Objective morality does not exist. You're disappointed and insulted I chose not to follow the ways of "enlightened Europe" and stick to the "barbaric" customs of my people - that's a you problem. I'm not European and I have no desire to be. I like who I am and where I'm from. I didn't leave my country because it sucked, and I would have long left had I not met this man. If that's an affront to you, too bad.
PSA for the young girls on the sub - underlining a deal breaker is not manipulative. Don't let people tell you that. You should set your boundaries, and people are free to take it or leave it. Don't let anyone make you feel bad or bully you into doing what they want.
I showed this to my fiance. Neither of us could read through the 1700+ comments, but we read enough to get the gist of it. Some of you will be disappointed to know we have not broken up, he has not left me. He did however point out that this was not the right place to ask this question which, again, was an error on my part. He saw a lot of you making the same argument as him about it being inappropriate for him to marry me in accordance with my cultural practices. He doesn't hold this forum in high regard so it was the wake up call he needed to realise he was in the wrong; it's not for him to determine what is and isn't culturally appropriate in my culture; lobola is not a cultural affront to him, but the absence of it would be to me. I was right - he did know I'd want him to go through the lobola process. He was going to see if he could talk me out of it before his ego was bruised by a tongue in cheek comment. He has apologised for how he acted. Once he got off his ethnocentric high horse, he said he was willing to go through with lobola as long as it's what I wanted. Yes, I apologised for tongue in cheek comment. We've signed up for premarital counselling, and we're in the process of setting a date for lobola upon completion.
People raised concerns for my wellbeing and asked if he could be a closet racist. I don't believe that to be the case. We've been together a long time, and this was the first time he's said something that I would consider to be racist. He's a good man. However, like everyone, he does have biases and issues to work through; that's what prompted us to sign up for premarital counselling to address and work on those. Again, thank you for caring. I'm good.
A final, unexpected note to discuss messages I've had on career advice and NGOs. The development sector is messed up, this is true. However, it is a vehicle through which a lot of people receive a lot of help they need. Like everything, it has its good and bad aspects. We work in water scarcity and water rights, so we're not directly involved in the development part. I wouldn't say turn your back on it though. We need good people to go and do good things. Remember to listen to people in the developing world. They smart, resourceful and they know what their communities need to thrive. Be prepared to serve their needs and you'll be okay. Good luck with it :)
There is a whole world outside the internet. If you view the world through your lens from your small corner of the world, you will miss out on a lot beautiful and wonderful things. I won't be reading the comments - make of this what you will. Wear a mask and drink plenty of water. Bye. | wormhole222 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/o9luni/aita_for_asking_my_fiance_to_pay_a_bride_price/ | o9luni | 9,836 | 541 | [
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2021-06-28T21:25:28 | HOA president just did the dumbest thing imaginable | r/fuckHOA | *this was originally posted by u/insurancethrowway123 in r/fuckHOA/*
https://www.reddit.com/r/fuckHOA/comments/fos6q1/hoa_president_just_did_the_dumbest_thing/
backstory, I own a bunch of rentals in a bunch of communities. I'm no stranger to HOA's and legal battles. I have a company attorney on retainer.
I just moved into a community and finally bought myself a house I plan to stay in for a while.
A month after closing construction starts (permits pulled all legal work during the day follow all the CCR's etc).
Karen recently got elected to the board and in her own words "the war is on"
this "war" started when I requested the following: - HOA financial documents (2 months and they have not produced) - A temporary reasonable accommodation after a major surgery (I was told to go fuck myself) - her husband changing his oil in the parking lot (got it on video on my security cam)
So far I've received 4 violation notices: - Speeding in the parking lot. - Political sign (opponent to her political sign in her front yard), - violation of peaceful enjoyment (construction noise), and finally harassing the HOA; this one was a cease and desist. - Destruction of community property (for washing my car with hose).
So my attorney goes to work on the upcoming fight.
My attorney BCC's me on all emails to the association and the management company. I wish I was making this up, Karen is so fucking stupid she replied all on an email meant for just the property manager: A few snippets: "I'm going to keep fining him and make his life hell." "He is a nightmare and a punk kid with too much money." "We are going to drown him in lawyers fees and send him the bill until he finally submits to me" "This is now personal, i'm on a mission to show that punk kid with his parents money that I'm the god damned president and he will do as I say".
My lawyer called me 6 times at 10:30 last night and said holy shit, check your email.
9am my attorney sent a cease and desist to the entire board and included a copy of the email.
Mine and his phone have been blowing up non-stop from the 4 other board members and their attorney trying to just talk.
This women may be the stupidest person on Earth. I honestly cannot wait to see the fallout from this.
Update
https://www.reddit.com/r/fuckHOA/comments/furdl0/update_hoa_president_just_did_the_dumbest_thing/
I'm going to sum this up and gve as much detail as I can. Ive also been drinking since noon so this my be a little jumbly and I apologize in advance:
My phone facebook linked in (all social presence) stopped getting blown up by the other board members after the attorney made is clear to the to leave me a lone. It's becoming harassment. Of course Covid-19 courts are closed. The attorney sent them letters stating what his hourly rate was and they would be receiving a bill if it doesn't stop and that seemed to work.
Last night, my attorney calls and asks if I'd be willing to hop on a zoom call with the entire board Karen included and the associations attorney. My attorney came to my house and we hopped on the call together.
Their lawyer started off aggressive stating my harassment of the board would not be tolerated etc, my guess would be to intimidate us?
My attorney shared the screen with the email open and silence. We assumed Karen told the rest of the board what happened, but apparently she didn't give all the details just that there was an email exchange and apparently I was being aggressive.
My attorney and I aren't quite sure what they were all thinking but once they all read the email silence. and karen immediately hopped off the zoom call.
The VP asked if we can take a recess and call us right back. in a few minutes. 10 minutes later attorney gets an email with Karen's immediate resignation.
We all hop back on the call less Karen. The other 4 board members could not stop apologizing, and kept asking the attorney why they were not informed of he brevity of the situation. He quickly hopped off the call. (we assume he won't be representing the association anymore).
The other 4 members, said they would need to confer with council moving forward but they will make this right.
For right now they board told me I can leave my political signs up, but to just ignore Karen until they can figure out what to do.
Unfortunately in my something to do with homestead your house is protected against litigation. But my attorney did draft up a demand letter to Karen personally for damages. Because the courts are closed we cant serve her until the stay in place order is lifted and the courts re-open.
But it was made clear Karen is to have zero contact with me, my family property etc.
We are not waiting until the remaining board hires new representation next week and we expect some sort of settlement request. Nothing super exciting but she was fired immediately. They are going to also start searching for a new property management next week. But I'll update when we heard something.
Side note I was walking my dog this AM, Karen was outside and walked right up to me and started petting my dog like nothing happened. I have 300 cameras in front f my house that caught the entire thing. I asked her 3 times to back away and to stop. I put him back inside (poor guy only got a 2 min walk). We called the police who made is clear to her if they have to come out again she will be going to jail.
In short she isn't indemnified by the HOA and is no longer on the board. This is going to cost her and the HOA major bucks. We did make it clear we don't want any of the communities money s it will only hurt the other homeowners.
Karen is royally fucked,
i'll post an update when I hear something else. | Jay_Edgar | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/o9tt8z/hoa_president_just_did_the_dumbest_thing/ | o9tt8z | 5,700 | 344 | [
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2021-06-29T02:51:43 | Husband finds out his brother has been perving on his wife | Relationship_Advice | [Original ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hy4vqw/i_38m_just_found_out_that_my_brother_19m_has_been/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
I (38m) just found out that my brother (19m) has been perving on my wife (37f)
Throwaway cause I'm still the only one that knows
Background: My brother has been staying with us since lockdown, after his University closed. He couldn't stay with our parents cause they just sold the house and moved to a 1 bedroom apartment and our sister lives in a different part of the country. He was the "oops" baby so I hope that explains the age gap. My wife and I have a 5 bedroom home but currently don't have children yet (we decided to adopt 2 kids in our 40s) so we let him stay here.
My brother has always been... Different. He's a bit of a loner and doesn't have a lot of friends outside of his online group. He's a shy geeky kid but he's otherwise alright (or so I thought) when you get to know him.
So here's what happened
The wifi doesn't quite reach my brother's room so he usually does his school work and other stuff in the dining room. A few nights ago, I was walking to the fridge after waking up in the middle of the night (wife and I sleep early) and saw my brother working on something out and as I got closer, I saw a very compromising picture of my wife (cleavage shot as she was gardening). He noticed me and quickly closed the window like he was watching porn. I was too shell shocked to say anything at that time and he just smiled awkwardly and ran to his room with the laptop.
When I realized that something was up, I knew I had to find out. The next day, I asked my brother to pick up some groceries and some lunch for us and while he was away, I went to his room (something I've never done since he moved) and, well, it wasn't pretty. I saw a couple of my wife's bras and some of her panties which I can only assume he used to pleasure himself. I took his laptop and fuck it, decided to snoop. I knew his password cause I borrowed his Crunchyroll account to watch this anime my friend recommended (I don't usually watch anime).
There I saw some of the most sickening entries I've read. There were pictures of my wife in a towel, her working out, her in compromising positions, etc. All taken without her consent by the looks of it. The fucker even logs every time he touches himself to the image of my wife. The creepiest part? He sometimes listens in on us when we have sex. My wife can be a bit loud but we didn't think it would be a problem since his bedroom was in a different part of the house (guest bedroom).
I left the room feeling like I needed a shower. It was absolutely disgusting.
Now I don't know what to do. I find myself fighting the urge to pummel him into next week every time I see him. I haven't told my wife yet cause I'm 100% sure she will feel violated and disgusted so I want to find the best solution first before doing so. I so desperately want to kick him out but I he has nowhere else to go. Even if I do, what should I tell my parents? The truth? This will most likely break the family apart. I do plan on telling my wife soon but if I do, I can almost guarantee she would want nothing to do with him and would never want to visit the family if he's around.
I'm so fucking lost right now. Any advice will help. Still fighting the urge to beat my brother to a bloody pulp.
Edit: if you're wondering, I did take pictures as proof.
Small update: I told my wife. The redditors who said I should tell her first before anything cause she was the victim were absolutely right. I'm giving her all the power to decide what to do about it. A lot has happened but there are still things that need to be settled. Too long to add here and too incomplete to make a new update post. Hopefully we'll have everything settled tomorrow or the day after. I'll write the update once everything is settled and I calmed down.
No, I'm not going to beat up my brother but I have thought about it.
And to the people asking for the pics... You're disgusting. Hope the women in your life are proud of you. That's my wife, please have some respect.
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/i2id3v/update_i_38m_just_found_out_that_my_brother_19m/)
This update was long overdue so I apologize to everyone who waited for this. I've had daily messages asking me about what happened and now that I'm in a better place to actually talk about it, I can tell everyone about what happened.
First of all, thank you to the redditors who pointed out that I should tell my wife first before confronting my brother. You were right, she did appreciate the fact that I gave her control over the situation.
I told my wife the next day after posting and needless to say, she did not take it well. She says she feels violated and unsafe in her own home. See, the thing is my wife and I have been together for almost 15 years so we literally saw this kid grow up. We took him out to the movies, to the beach, etc. We sometimes even joked to my parents that he was our practice baby. My wife has a tendency to distrust people in general, as a lot of people in her life have let her down in the past. Imagine how hurt and betrayed she was when she found out someone she trusted and loved dearly betrayed her like that. Honestly, if I wasn't consoling my wife then, I probably would've gone through with the initial idea and beat the ever living crap out of my brother.
After she calmed down and went to sleep, I called my sister and talked about the situation. My sister and I are close, given that we're Irish Twins. I feel like she needed to know cause she has 2 teenage daughters herself and who knows what my brother would do to them if given the chance. We talked and she was clearly mad. She loves my wife like a sister and they're quite close themselves. She said she would support whatever decision we make and that our brother would also be unwelcome at her place for the foreseeable future.
Then we confronted my brother. At first he denied it but when I showed him the evidence, he started ugly crying and begging us to forgive him. I gave him an ultimatum... Either he lets me in his phone laptop and delete everything, or I call the police. There was so much more shit on his computer than I initially thought. So many more stolen pictures of my wife that we're definitely taken without consent. The fucker even recorded the audio of us having sex. Who does that? So after hours of me looking for as much shit as possible, and pretty much clearing most of his hard drive, he eventually left without much of a fight. Oh and we definitely threw out my wife's defiled underwear and are most likely going to have the room he stayed in cleaned professionally.
I checked and thankfully he didn't have any hidden cameras anywhere. Oh and if you're wondering how he got pictures of my wife in a towel... The shower for the masters doesn't have hot water yet so my wife uses the shared one in the same area. She would usually walk out of the bathroom with just a towel on and go change in our walk in closet. This shouldn't have been a problem cause the guest bedroom was in a different part of the house far from the main bedrooms and it had its own bathroom so my brother had no reason for being there.
Needless to say, my wife is still shaken up about the whole thing, which is why I didn't think about writing an update until now. I'm sorry but my wife's well-being is my priority above anything else.
My mom eventually called me asking what happened. She seemed very confused so I figured my brother didn't tell her anything at all. I told her what happened and needless to say, it did not end well. She kept asking me to forgive my brother and take him back in. She ranted about how difficult it would be to support him and how what I'm doing is breaking the family apart. I let her talk till I eventually said my brother would no longer be welcome in my home. I told her that she needed to get him therapy and that until then, there's no chance we would ever see him. My mom told me she'd talk to my sister about it and I said... Good luck, she's mad at him too.
Not sure what's going to happen to our family now. The reason why we got the big house was cause we wanted everyone to come over during the holidays and stay with us but Im not sure if my parents will at this point and there's no chance my brother is ever coming back anytime soon. Thankfully my sister is 100% on my side and we're going to talk about what we're doing for Thanksgiving soon.
My wife hasnt really been the same either but she's getting better now that my brother is gone. We're talking about therapy which is something she's very willing to try out. We took a drive to the beach earlier (chill guys, we didn't leave the car) and talked about the future. We both agreed that after this whole covid thing is over, we're going to finally start our family with kids. We want two. Being a mom is something she always wanted but we both wanted to be financially secure enough to give them a good life and for us to also be in a position where we didn't have to work so much and just spend time with them. The sparkle in her eyes when we talked about our life together with kids told me that while things arent good right now, we're going to be ok.
I honestly can't wait to be a dad myself.
So yeah, long story short brother is gone, wife is still sad, sister is on my side but mom isn't and I'm going to be a dad in a few years.
Thanks to everyone who gave me their advice. It honestly helped me clear my head and make the right decision to tell my wife first.
Oh and to answer questions that may come up...
No, we did not go to the police. My brother deleted everything voluntarily and left without a trace. I'm sure the pictures are still out there somewhere but thankfully they aren't too explicit that it would severely damage my wife's reputation.
And no, we aren't going to try and get pregnant or anything like that. We plan on adopting which is something we both talked about early on.
So again, thanks to everyone who messaged and commented. I may not have read everything nor have I replied to everyone but rest assured you are all greatly appreciated. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/o9zgtl/husband_finds_out_his_brother_has_been_perving_on/ | o9zgtl | 10,283 | 337 | [
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2021-06-29T03:41:26 | OP finds out he only shares 29% of his DNA with his father. Shit blows up, and family falls apart. | TIFU | Original post by u/Help23andme
**[Original](https://old.reddit.com/r/23andme/comments/b6mz22/are_my_shared_percentages_wrongaccurate/)**
My dad and I got our results back and we only 29.2%. Shouldn't it be 50%? It says he's predicted to be my half brother which is impossible. My cousin had also tested with 23andme a while back and we share 24.6% which I think is high given we're 1st cousins. 23andme predicts us to be half-siblings as well. My dad and I also share the same Y haplogroup and we look so much alike so he's defiantly my dad. I'm really baffled at the moment. Is there anyway the percentages are wrong? I can't think of a genetic relationship that would explain what we're seeing. Plz help
**[Update](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/b6uh51/tifu_by_destroying_the_entirety_of_my_family_for/)**
We've all been seeing the recent craze of DNA testing and whatnot, so my dad and I decided to jump in the bandwagon and we bought 2 from 23andme. We got our results back a few days ago and I went into the DNA relatives section to check out my matches. At the top it listed my dad as only sharing 29.2% DNA with me and being predicted to be a half-brother, which is impossible. This didn't make sense to me since we also shared a paternal haplogroup and we just look so alike, so he was definitely my father. My cousin also had taken the test a while back and she shared 24.6% with me, also predicted to be my half-sibling. We're supposed to share around 12%, being 1st cousins.
I couldn't think of a genetic relationship that would explain what I was seeing and I had doubts in the accuracy of the percentages, so I made this post on r/23andme, asking for help. Basically, the shared percentages are extremely accurate and highly unlikely to be false. The only realistic explanation for what I was seeing was that my uncle, my cousin's father and my dad's brother, is my father. Reality hit me in the face like a flying bag of bricks. All the dots lined up and I felt a sense of loss. I sat in my room for an hour just in shock and then I had a feeling of anger come over me. I needed some fucking answers.
Without even thinking, I rushed out of my room and confronted my mother downstairs. My mom is a business women and is often away on business trips. She had no idea my dad and I had done one of these tests since she was away on a trip and just got back. My mother and I never had a 'traditional' relationship. She was always focused on her work and my dad ended up mostly raising me.
My irrational self didn't even sugar coat it. I asked her if she cheated on dad with Uncle David (name changed for obv reasons). I have never seen the color drain from someone's face so quickly. She looked dumbfounded and then mumbled "What kind of question is this? Of course not." I told her everything; the test, percentages, DNA matches, ALL OF IT!! Shit hit the fan. My mom fell to the ground crying, begging me not to tell dad.
I left her there and went back into my room. I called my cousin (now half sibling) and told her everything. She ended the call screaming. Dad (now uncle) then came home and stumbled into my room asking what's wrong with mom. I told him everything too. He didn't say anything after calming down. He left the room and I locked the door.
For the next few hours, I heard my entire family fall apart outside my door. My parents got into a heated argument and my grandparents rushed over to see what was going on. My aunt in law and David showed up shortly later and I'm pretty sure I heard my Dad and David get into some physical fight. Utter chaos.
I feel like fucking shit. Ik it's not my fault but I can't help feeling that this is all because of me. If I had spent my fucking birthday money on something else, none of this would have happened, but another part of me is glad to know the truth. I'm too scared to go outside. I don't even know what the outcome was. The only noise I hear in the house now is the occasional sobbing coming from my mother, and I sure my dad is out of the house. Fuck my life
TLDR; Mom and uncle, both having spouses of their own, fucked, made me, and proceed to not tell anyone. I take a DNA test 19 year later and it all comes crashing down. I've locked myself in my room and I'm pretty sure my family has ceased to exist outside
**[2nd Update](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/bbcqlk/tifupdate_by_destroying_the_entirety_of_my_family/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=usertext&utm_name=tifu&utm_content=t3_b6uh51)**
Thanks for the support guys! Means a lot.
Back to where we were:
I eventually left my room, called my dad and he was actually at the hospital with my grandmother. She couldn't handle the situation and had a heart attack right when she went home. I knew my mother was still in the house, but I left her there (again), without saying a word and went to the hospital.
I got to the hospital, saw my grandmother (she's in stable condition), and then sat down with my dad to talk. First thing we told each other was that this situation didn't change our relationship. He was still my father and I was still his son.
I got the confirmation of my Dad and David getting into some altercation (Dad told me he fucked him up really hard). My mother had told my dad that she was drunk and David raped her. The only reason she had not told anyone was out of fear of destroying my father's family. Dad then suggested going to the police. She refused and then started to slightly change her story, making my Dad doubt her claim. That's when David and everyone else came over. David claimed my mother was lying to save her own ass, and that they had consensual sex.
As of now, my dad and I have no idea who to believe. He says his relationships with my mother and David had always been good. He's not sure what to do.
David's wife is filing for divorce since this occurred after they were married. My cousin is holding up alright, although she's still pretty shaken up. My dad and I have been staying with my grandparents for the past week until we figure out what to do.
Any advice would help. Thank you
Sorry if this sounds rushed. I typed this on my way to class.
TLDR; Grandma had heart attack. Mom claimed David raped her; David denies that. Cousin's mother is filing for divorce. Dad and I are staying with my grandparents for now. | wormhole222 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oa09e5/op_finds_out_he_only_shares_29_of_his_dna_with/ | oa09e5 | 6,342 | 544 | [
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2021-06-29T13:10:22 | Niece callously injures daughter. Mother contacts police. (Decent ending, but still a little sad) | Relationship_Advice | Originally posted by u/ThrowRA-niecepolice
**[Original](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ecv01j/should_i_40f_report_my_niece_17f_to_the_police/)**
My parents are going away for Christmas, so before they did they hosted an early Christmas party at their home, which my whole family went to including me my husband and our 16 year old daughter Laura.
My sister and her daughter Rachel were there too. She's a year older than Laura and they don't get along. In fact we try to avoid them as much as we can due to amount of times that Rachel has upset and tormented Laura. Rachel is naturally very smart and is always top of her class, and is also very pretty. While I've always been happy for her and wished her the best, these things have constantly been used to excuse her. My sister even went as far as to accuse Laura of lying because she is jealous of Rachel's looks and talents.
Laura took up boxing last year and has progressed really well. She's going to compete at a higher level next year and her coach is extremely proud of her. My sister has insisted that the boxing is nothing more than ''a phase'' and has gone out of her way to downplay it in favour of her daughter's academic stuff.
At my parents place Laura went to sort out some presents under the tree, and Rachel followed her. She was wearing stiletto high heels, and when Laura had her hand on the floor Rachel stamped on it. She was in agony.
We went to the hospital, and after a follow up visit to the doctor today Laura needs extensive physio, and will not be able to box for an indefinite period. She's in floods of tears because of this.
I was raging at my sister, who is so deluded that she insists that it was an accident. I'm sorry, but after years of calling Laura ugly, stupid, fat and anything else she could think of do you really expect me to believe that this was an innocent mistake? Rachel for her part put on the crocodile tears for everyone, and only her parents believed it.
My husband wants to tell the police and I do too. I warned my sister about this, and she broke down crying too, saying that her daughter's teachers have encouraged her to apply to the top universities because they think she's got a good chance of getting in, and that if she ends up with a criminal record then that will be ruined.
No sympathy from me. Frankly Rachel took something that my daughter loves away from her and left her in huge amounts of pain. She shouldn't just have her chances ruined, she should get locked up.
I know it sounds awful of me but she did an awful thing and needs to face the consequences. Laura is utterly heartbroken and Rachels parents won't punish her.
**Update (Deleted but recovered)**
Thanks for all of the responses. I went to work and when I got back there were so many I couldn't respond.
My husband went and asked the doctor for detailed written description of the extent of the injury, which she was happy to provide. I don't think I made it very clear in the original post that the injury was incredibly severe. Laura will need extensive physiotherapy, and it's uncertain if she'll ever regain full use of her hand. And yes, I did see the stomp happen with my own eyes.
My parents and a few of the other adults that were there all agreed to provide a statement. Laura and I went to the police station with the doctor's note and showed them that and the injury. With this the police suspected that for an injury like that, it would take a deliberate amount of pressure for a stiletto heel to cause it.
They took statements from everyone willing to give them, and also Rachel's parents, who while still insisting it was an accident, did admit they saw Rachel follow Laura and step on her hand with the heel.
Rachel was arrested, but on the advice of her solicitor responded ''no comment'' when questioned by the police. She was charged with a Section 20 GBH (Grevious Bodily Harm) offence.
Rachel has been bailed and is not to approach Laura. I was on the phone to my parents who are going away tomorrow, and was told that apparently Rachel has been having panic attacks at home and is terrified at the thought of going to prison. Of course it may not come to that but either way she deserves to face the consequences of her awful behaviour.
My sister wants nothing more to do with me. I'm sad about that but we haven't been close for years. In fact there have been times when I've gone years without seeing her, because her daughter would upset and torment mine and she would refuse to do anything. She has not done anything to prevent Rachel's awful behaviour for many years, and as a result she did something absolutely disgusting. I understand her wanting to protect her child first and foremost, but that's exactly what I'm doing too.
My sister and her husband are quite well off and could afford decent legal representation. I have no idea whether Rachel will plead guilty or go to a trial. I hope it's the former. If convicted she could go to prison but not for definite. Honestly even if she doesn't I wouldn't be very angry, provided she faces some kind of consequences for her disgusting behaviour.
Laura is still really upset. She spends most of her time in her room crying. Her boxing coach came by the other day just to check on her and offer some comfort and some words of support. It's going to be a tough road ahead for her but we'll be with her every step of the way. Even if she isn't able to box again, at least the person responsible for this can be punished for her disgusting behaviour. | wormhole222 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oa7z21/niece_callously_injures_daughter_mother_contacts/ | oa7z21 | 5,552 | 761 | [
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2021-06-29T14:51:20 | Would I (38f) be an idiot if I got back together with my ex husband (37m) who cheated on me 10 years ago? | Relationship_Advice | Original Post by u/throwRA9067
**[Original](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ioneid/would_i_38f_be_an_idiot_if_i_got_back_together/)**
My ex, who we'll call Mike, and I were together since we were 14 and got married at 22. We have 2 kids together (15f and 11m). My ex's work takes him all over the country for a week every quarter. In one of those trips, he hooked up with one of his coworkers. I never thought he could do something like that cause our relationship was really solid. He confessed immediately after he got home. I actually would've never found out if he didn't. He begged me for forgiveness, said that he still loved me and it was a lapse in judgement but said he would understand if I wanted a divorce, which is what eventually happened. It was very amicable and he actually gave me more than I expected (house, child support, alimony).
It was a slow process but over the years we became friends again and have a good co-parenting dynamic. Mike's a great father and the kids still love him. I got married 3 years after and he was actually very supportive. I divorced my 2nd husband 2 years ago cause he changed his mind on kids (I want 1 last baby).
Since the lockdown Mike has been over frequently. At this point, our relationship is so good we dont need to enforce any of the set visits and such. Well things have been getting hot between us for the last few months and we started having sex. I'm a woman with needs too and, to be very honest with you guys, he's still the best guy I've been with after all these years. It's like our bodies were made for each other. He always joked that we were like prime Pippen and Jordan in bed and when he said that again, it felt like we were back 10 years ago when we were still together. It was supposed to be just physical but here we are...
Just a few hours ago, he brought up the idea of us getting back together. He gave me the most genuine speech about how stupid he was the night he cheated and how he never stopped loving me in the last 10 years. I was speechless and couldnt say anything so he just gave me his usual toothy smile and said "Its ok, I'll wait" before driving home.
Now I'm lying here in bed typing this out. I'd be lying to you guys if I said I didnt love him. I'd be lying if I said the last few months weren't the happiest I've been in years. And I'd be lying if I said I never forgave him for cheating. I've told him years ago that I already did.
If I had to decide right now I'd jump out of bed and drive to his house and bring him home. It's taking all my willpower not to do so. I love him. However, I also want to think with my brain here.
Pros of taking him back:
He's a great dad and the kids would have him around more
He's a great provider
He says he still wants kids
I still love him
Cons: I don't know yet, but maybe some of you can help me with that
Any advice on how I should proceed?
Edit: I made the first move when we started sleeping together
**[Update](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/irpvm5/update_would_i_38f_be_an_idiot_if_i_got_back/)**
Its been a few days now since I've posted and reddit has given me some solid advice especially the kind redditors who messaged me directly. I'm very grateful for this cause it helped me calm down and not give in to my impulses.
The morning after I posted, I texted Mike saying that I needed time and space to think about everything. He then replied with "I've waited 10 years, I can wait a bit longer". My heart melted.
When the kids woke up, our son was looking for his dad. He's at the age now where he pretty much idolized his dad. I get why though, Mike is an amazing dad. Our daughter gave me the stink eye all morning.
After lunch, when our son was in his room playing video games, my daughter confronted me about Mike. She basically said how she knew there was something going on (guess we're not that sneaky) and that she didn't want our fighting to affect their lives. She thought we were fighting.
Now, the divorce affected her but not as badly as expected. We made sure to get her counseling immediately after and made extra sure her life was as normal as possible. I'm not gonna delude myself and think she wasn't hurt by it but I'm pretty confident in saying we dealt with it pretty well. Or as well as we could.
I then had the conversation about how we weren't fighting but quite the opposite... We were thinking about getting back together. She thought about it for a while and said she was happy for us and hoped it was forever this time.
The next day I dropped my kids off at my parents house so I could talk to Mike at his place. We had a long talk about how we felt about each other, what we plan to do about it going forward, and as many of you suggested what he planned to do next time we hit a rough patch especially since we plan on having a 3rd kid. He told me that the night he cheated still haunted him 10 years later. He told me how it wasnt worth it one bit and how it was the biggest mistake of his life. He said that if ever we hit a rough patch again, we would talk about it like adults. He even suggested we do couples counseling every now and then even when times are good. I liked this idea. There are some details about our conversation that I want to keep private but long story short we got back together. We are going to take it slow and in every step we take, we both agreed that our children would take priority over everything. He's not going to move in yet but he would spend a few nights a week at home with us.
Later that night, we sat the kids down and broke the news. Daughter didn't say much cause she already knew but our son was over the moon. Since we divorced when he was a baby, the concept of both his parents being together was quite new to him. They obviously asked questions and we answered them. We're also planning on doing family counseling to help make the transition easier for everybody.
Overall, I'm really happy right now. Mike made a mistake 10 years ago but I don't hold it against him and have completely forgiven him for it. I know he loves me now and won't cheat on me anymore. I'm back together now with the love of my life and father of my kids and I couldn't be happier.
As I type this out, Mike is in the next room playing video games with our son. I'm not entirely sure what the future will look like but I'm happy he's back.
Thank you reddit for the advice. It really helped with our talk and how we proceed going forward. I think I'll stay online for an hour or so to reply till the kids are asleep and he comes to bed then it's my turn to have fun.
Peace 😁 | wormhole222 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oa9u0y/would_i_38f_be_an_idiot_if_i_got_back_together/ | oa9u0y | 6,649 | 442 | [
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2021-06-29T17:28:48 | AITA for calling my SIL a racist after she compared my cooking to "making kung pao chicken"? | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oad031/aita_for_calling_my_sil_a_racist_after_she/ | oad031 | 9 | 30 | [
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2021-06-29T19:47:52 | Me [32/F] with my husband [39 M] 6-years, our sex life disappeared; he swears he's attracted to me and I'm not sure what to believe or do. | Relationships | Originally posted by u/whiskeyteafoxtrot. First post was 5 years ago. Update was 2 years ago. This one really stuck with me over the years because of the ending and how robotically uncaring her husband was at the end, and the way he suggested counseling and then just discarded it as soon as she said no. I hope wherever she is, she's happy now and following her gut to good things.
​
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/40tuc7/me\_32f\_with\_my\_husband\_39\_m\_6years\_our\_sex\_life/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/40tuc7/me_32f_with_my_husband_39_m_6years_our_sex_life/)
Before I got into this, I want to stress that I know something is definitely wrong with my relationship. I just have no idea how to approach it or what to do at this point.
My husband and I started dating six years ago and we were married for the last three years.
We had a very active sex life when we were first dating. We'd have some weekends where we were basically living the bed (3x a day). About a year and a half into the relationship, he asked to move in together and we got engaged shortly after.
Once we were engaged, our sex life screeched to an immediate halt. I kept bringing it up, and he would say he thinks it's because we both moved from drafty houses to a high-end apartment--that we'd be snuggled all the time for warmth which would lead to sexy times.
But I also noticed if I tried to sext or make flirty comments, he'd change the subject pretty quickly. I chalked things up to wedding nerves, and we got married.
We had a three-week honeymoon in the Caribbean where we did nothing but lounge around with each other pretty much. Even though I tried to initiate a few times, we didn't have sex at all on our honeymoon.
When we got back, I threw on some sexy lingerie and tried to surprise him when he came home. He burst out laughing.
At that point, I flipped out and pointed out that something is obviously wrong, and that this is too soon in a marriage for something like this to happen. He said that the wedding was really stressful for him and he needed to unwind.
At this point, one of my friends mentioned something seemed different about my husband. (None of them are in the loop as to everything going on)
After this continuing the same way, I brought it up again. He said that the truth is that he feels trapped in the apartment with me. We both went from living in houses to living in a one-bedroom together. That seemed fair enough and we bought a house together.
This did not change our situation in terms of the bedroom. But since we keep money separate (I do not recommend), I have student loans, and houses are expensive, I picked up a second job bartending three nights a week to make sure I wasn't stretching my money too thin. Then the excuse became "you are never home".
He started getting angrier and angrier about me "never being home," even when I pointed out all the time I was actually at home. I went out with my friends less frequently to make sure I was around and available, but all that did was kill my social life and not boost our relationship.
Then it started getting worse. I would get home from my bartending shift and he'd start yelling at me. It usually started with "you are never home," but was pretty erratic. He'd switch subjects and things he was angry about switched pretty quickly. But he would also say some really hurtful things, such as:
I'm not attracted to you. If you want to have sex, go fuck someone else. I kinda fell into marrying you. It was the path we were already on, and I felt like I couldn't do anything to stop it. You have the personality of a five-year old. What adult tears up at a fucking puppy? etcetcetc
Let me be clear, I do not want to be with someone uninterested in being with me. But whenever I'd bring it up the next day, he'd act like I was exaggerating the fight and what he said, and say of course those things aren't true and that he loved me very much. If I told him I thought he didn't love me in the romantic way, it usually brought him to tears.
And just a side note that I've been in shape since the start of our relationship and that hasn't changed.
I didn't know whether or not to believe him--in my experience, people tend to accidentally say what they really mean when angry. So I took these things to heart and became really, really sad. I was randomly bursting into tears throughout the day, but whenever I brought up how I felt, he insisted I had to trust what he said about being interested in me, attracted to me, and wanting to be married to me.
I ended up seeing a counselor for a bunch of sessions. She helped me feel attractive again, like I deserved to be treated well, and that my expectations of someone I'm pretty recently married to aren't unreasonable at all. Which made me feel more empowered to take action.
I started recording him yelling at me. I collected a few and then played them for him during the day. He actually looked genuinely shocked. He said it seemed like he was saying things just to hurt me and that he didn't mean anything he said--but he also didn't remember saying any of them. He said he was committed to fixing this for the future. And he started counseling.
So then he took me out on a super-date of sorts--nothing really fancy, but all the things I liked to do. And it was a really fun, exciting night. All of a sudden at the bar, he went from smiling to angry in the matter of seconds. He snapped at me about something. I insisted we go home, and he spent the rest of the evening yelling at me.
The next day I said I thought we needed a divorce. He begged me to try couples counseling instead. I told him that whatever was happening was an issue he was having and that he needed to figure that out before I'd even be interested in counseling. I drove over to the bar I work at for a few hours (not working, just needed to get out) and told a person I don't know very well what was going on, and she suggested that he has an adverse reaction to alcohol.
When I came back, my husband presented the same theory about himself. He said he thinks that he has a really adverse reaction to alcohol and shouldn't drink anymore. I didn't really think he'd stop, but he stopped cold turkey and hasn't started again since.
Fast forward to now. Our sex life hasn't changed at all. And he's almost euphoric about not drinking alcohol anymore. He's cheerful and he's very kind to me, but nothing at all has changed about our sex life. I brought up couples' counseling again, and he said he didn't think we need it because of how much better he's doing now that he isn't drinking anymore.
I don't want to ruin his recovery by pushing hard on the fact that things are still not good. He insists he's attracted to me and loves me. I don't know if I should trust him when he says that, and I feel stupid for even thinking that maybe I should trust that he actually feels that way.
I do know he feels affectionate towards me generally. But we really feel like roommates who are best friends. And that's probably why I've put up with all of this because when it comes down to it, we get along really, really well. I just don't know what my next steps should be, or what I should even be feeling about this.
Sometimes I think, well, if everything else is fine, why is sex so important? But it really is to me, plus I feel like he might be hiding all these feelings about me. Then again, he seemed so genuinely shocked by hearing himself say all those mean things about me, could there be something else going on with him?
Edit: I should actually emphasize, it isn't just sex. If I go in for a kiss, he pulls back so it's just a peck. He tells me he doesn't "really like kissing" and doesn't "understand the appeal".
**tl;dr**: My husband had a drinking problem and didn't want to have sex with me. He's corrected the drinking problem and still doesn't want to have sex with me, but swears he finds me attractive, what do I do?
Update: Seriously, thanks so much. After reading all these comments, I'm going to give him an ultimatum. I am going to tell him that there is definitely something wrong, and that he has to go get his hormones checked and see a psychiatrist. After that, we are going to a couples' counselor to talk about the things he has said about me (and if it isn't tied to a hormone thing, the sex), the underlying issue. And then we explore either moving forward or divorce. If he is unwilling to do that, we start the divorce process.
​
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/8vc871/update\_me\_32f\_with\_my\_husband\_39\_m\_6years\_our\_sex/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/8vc871/update_me_32f_with_my_husband_39_m_6years_our_sex/)
Update:
I know my original post is so old, but the biggest update only recently happened. My therapist suggested I post about it here to help sort out how I feel right now and also as a warning to other people. I feel like I have grown so much in the last few years and maybe I'm a bit less naive (or a bit more bitter... however you'd like to put it).
Through interacting with the comments, I came up with an ultimatum I would give my husband.
1. He needed to get his medical stuff tested.
2. He see someone psychologically.
3. Couple's counseling.
I decided ahead of time that he'd have to do the legwork for this already. I had already done so much legwork for this relationship and I wanted to make sure I didn't hold his hand through this either.
He took it surprisingly well for what the conversation was. There were tears on both sides but he agreed that yes, he would be willing to do these things for the sake of the relationship.
And then days passed. And a week past. I finally brought it up again and it caused a minor fight where he told me he needed to do this sort of stuff on his own time.
A few more weeks past. I realized that he did not care enough to do something about this. It was a hard thing to realize, but it was clear as day.
I headed over a friend's house to talk things out, clear my head, and come up with a plan for divorce.
I drove home and a few minutes before I arrived, he got a phone call that his sister was in a coma and dying. I booked him tickets to go see her. She passed away a few hours after he saw her.
She left behind two late-teenage girls. Who we were now partially responsible for.
So I pushed my pain down and decided to be the best aunt I can to these two girls. I also got myself a dog (best decision ever in this situation) to keep my own spirits up.
I worked really hard at this and felt like my husband and I were getting closer in the process.
More recently, I started realizing that everything we were doing for the girls was initiated through me--not him. So I started paying more attention. He was getting annoyed at me making a big deal over surprise care packages their school suggested we send in and other things like that. I was starting to resent that he wasn't caring for his nieces in the same way as I was.
On the youngest niece's graduation day, I asked him if he thought the other parents there would be getting flowers for the graduates and if that's something we should do. This is when he totally lost it at me. It was a string that started with him yelling about how I get too concerned about these sorts of things and ended with a rant about how I buy too many crackers when company comes over for dinner. This started changing the lens I was looking at him through again. Also, at this point, I felt like my nieces had launched into the world with lives of their own.
I started re-seeing the eyerolls when I talked. The cutting remarks about my intelligence. Oh, and the utter lack of sex.
So I started talking to people. I started seeing a therapist. And together, we all came up with a plan to discuss everything with him--probably ending in divorce (though I never took that as a definite).
I decided we had a different view of what a relationship and marriage should be. My plan was to present that to him calmly and let him give his opinion of how he sees things.
I had a work trip so I took the time to recoup. I went on a long hike, and even though I'm not really religious, I prayed the whole damn time about this.
So when I got home, in the calmest and most even way I could, I explained the situation as I saw it and asked for his feedback. My friends and I rehearsed what would happen if he cried and begged for a chance to change--or what to do (or rather, where to go) if he got really angry.
But nothing prepared me for his reaction. He agreed with me. He said that everything felt "forced" to him and that this wasn't a natural relationship. That he married me because that was the path he was on, and since he wasn't planning on having kids, it's not like that mattered all that much. In fact, he prefers being alone generally.
He then finished by asking if I thought we should get couple's counseling. I calmly said that given what he just said, I didn't think that was an option. He immediately started trying to talk next steps, who gets what, etc. He brought up that he could probably technically fight for alimony but that he wouldn't. And said he wouldn't fight for my dog if I don't fight to go after his seperate finances.
I think this was the most painful in the moment reaction I could have had from him. I told him I would give him some space that night, so I drove to my friend's house and cried my eyes out. Him not fighting it is ultimately better for the long run, but it's really hard to realize that your husband of 5 years (and partner for 8) never really loved or cared for you.
I should have listened to my gut all along.
We had that talk last night. I'm currently sitting in a coffee shop, typing this all out. I'm a relatively attractive person and I channeled my frustrations over the last few years into lifting and working out almost every day. So I'm hopeful when it comes to love in the future.
I don't really know what my next step is. I might drive to my brother's. I might look for a storage facility. It's a bit overwhelming to think about.
Overall, I'm so grateful this is happening now and that I won't be looking back at my life when I'm 85 years old, disappointed that it never really started. I have my life in front of me and it's a big scary place. But after I finish crying my eyes out, it's one step in front of the other.
And thank you everyone for all your help.
tl/dr: Put off divorce due to spouse's sister dying and despite everything we worked on together, found out he never really loved me. | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oaftkd/me_32f_with_my_husband_39_m_6years_our_sex_life/ | oaftkd | 14,924 | 488 | [
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2021-06-29T21:04:38 | AITA for moving my kids 1.5 hours away from my parents? | AITA | [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fe69e6/aita_for_moving_my_kids_15_hours_away_from_my/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
TIA for reading. 5 years ago I (33/F) had a bad divorce w/2 small kids. Father is not in the picture and will likely never be, as it stands. I temporarily moved in w/ my parents to get back on my feet. In that time, my parents, kids, and I relocated across the country. Once here, we got a house to share and split everything 50/50. My parents are retired and have not made efforts to branch out. I’ve gotten a grad degree, friends, a great job. After 3 years of being single/focusing on my kids, I began seeing someone >1 year ago. He (35) has a great career, excellent w/my kids, and we’re discussing marriage. In the past months, my boyfriend, kids and I moved in together and we’re happy.
In the past, there were boundary issues w/ my parents. While my dad let me parent, my mom was very critical. I feel I’m a devoted parent, and other friends/family tell me I do a great job. My mom crosses boundaries often, and it’s been noticed many times by friends & family. She can be controlling and is used to us abiding. (An example would be calling me “crazy” and being very upset that I took the kids on vacation 5 hours away. They had a blast.)
Now, an opportunity has presented for my boyfriend & I to relocate to a smaller town 1.5 hours away. My boyfriend is successful in a unique line of work that’s very geographically limited, and has turned down offers to live abroad, petitioning for a location closer to where we are now so my kids can stay close to family. This move is not entirely optional for him to maintain his position. My job is flexible. The town has good schools, is safer and easier living. The kids are excited and had no concerns re: seeing their grandparents less days per week. (My parents would go from seeing the kids before/after school to on the weekends.)
I broke the news to my family & they are furious. I assured them we’d be back to the city almost all weekends, and they could visit any time. They told me they never would’ve moved here if they knew we’d be an hour & a half away, they were “devastated” and felt “used and abused”.
I never would’ve accepted their help if I knew I’d be expected to live within a certain radius indefinitely. I feel like I owe them for their support when I was going through the worst time of my life. I love my parents & will be forever grateful for their help. Right now, their weekday revolves around the kids, they don’t have hobbies/friends/ jobs so I know it’s an adjustment. I feel this is the best move for us, the kids, our careers, & peace of mind. I see a future w/ my boyfriend, he fought to be close to us, and is committed to me & 2 kids that aren’t biologically his. AITA for relocating?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oadl4y/update_aita_for_moving_my_kids_15_hours_away_from/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
First, I have to thank you all for helping me keep perspective on this when it all went down. I was so in the thick of it that the opinions of complete strangers were actually exactly what I needed!
Long story short, not only did we not move 1.5 hours away, we ended up 1500 miles away. When the pandemic affected both of our jobs, the original move from the original post never happened. After the reaction I received to that move, when the time came to discuss options after our world turned upside down in 2020, I didn’t have the capacity to account for anyone’s wishes but mine, my partner, and my kids. Trying to placate others with the original move got me nowhere, and things actually got worse with the control/disrespect. I started looking at the situation critically and realizing how damaging it was that my life as a grown adult was an apparent open forum for the whole family. While I never wanted to hurt them, I also saw the writing on the wall if I kept allowing that dynamic.
One day during the quarantine, I had a major realization. I didn’t want to grow old and look back on a life I didn’t recognize. I had made so many decisions by default. People pleasing and letting myself be swayed from what would be best for me by other peoples’ interests. I didn’t want to live one more day compromising. We ended up moving to a beautiful city and getting jobs with a lot more security. Bought our dream house. The kids are thriving. I stopped living trying to please everyone else. I received a huge amount of blowback, but stood my ground. Cut back contact majorly. Starting talking to a counselor. I had no idea how badly everything was affecting me, and I feel so much better.
I don’t know why I felt compelled to post again. I guess it’s part gratitude for Reddit helping to affirm what I felt and giving me the guts to change the way things were going. Another part is hoping that anyone reading this in a similar situation finds the strength to change. If you are an adult, making healthy and safe choices for your family, please don’t let yourself be manipulated by others motives. Don’t allow unspoken social contracts to guilt you into situations that make you anything less than happy. | omxnn | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oahf74/aita_for_moving_my_kids_15_hours_away_from_my/ | oahf74 | 5,243 | 511 | [
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2021-06-29T22:35:12 | Family Of OP's Late Wife Wants The Family Ring Back (OP's Engagement Ring) | AITA | [Original ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/n5g2uq/aita_for_refusing_to_return_my_late_wifes_ring_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
AITA for refusing to return my late wife’s ring to the family
Throwaway account as the family are on Reddit but I really need help. I am so frustrated and confused right now.
I (F30) married my wife (F36) a year ago. We had been together 6 years, married for 1 before she passed away. It has been a really rocky time for me and I am still struggling but getting there, day by day.
My wife had been close with her grandmother when she was growing up and when she passed away her grandmother left a beautiful ring which had been in the family for generations. My wife used this ring to propose to me and it also became my wedding ring. I have worn it everyday since she gave it to me, and it is truly my most precious item from her. It feels like she is with me always and when I look at it, it brings my heart some happiness to remember our time together. My wife even spent money on the ring to get it restored as it had a few cosmetic faults, but by doing this it more or less doubled the value too. It is very unique and shaped like a snake with a diamond in its head and rubies for the eyes, the diamond was cracked and the blue enamel needed repairing which she did before proposing.
My BIL has now decided to propose to his girlfriend and he wants to use the snake ring as their grandmother wanted the ring to be used as an engagement ring for when one of her grandchildren wanted to marry, a first come first serve situation, although, it was never really expected her granddaughter would be doing the proposing it was always assumed the boys would offer it to their gfs but my wife got there and did it first and that was that. It was never really questioned either as my wife and she had been so close too. Nobody had any objections at the time as the ring was still within the family and neither of my BILs were anywhere near getting engaged.
I refused to give the ring back and now I have caused a huge rift with my family in law. My MIL and BILs are all calling me an AH as they want the ring to continue being part of their family and to be passed down in the generations as it was expected to. I am distraught, my wife and I were not big sentimental gift givers and this is honestly the only thing she was truly proud to gift me, it was a huge deal for us and meant the world to both of us.
My family in law have also thrown in my face that the grandmother wouldn’t even have wanted me to have it since she was Russian and would very much be against a same sex couple. This really hurts and feels like a low blow as although it’s definitely true I was accepted my my family in law. The grandmother had long been gone before I met my wife. They are now saying that it should go to the boys as she intended.
It’s all got really nasty and I just don’t know what to do. The family have even offered to buy the ring off me for the full value of the ring with the repairs but I refuse. It is the only thing I have of my wife and parting with it feels like the only piece I have left of my broken heart being taken away.
AITA
Edit: oh my I wasn’t expecting such a huge response from this and I wanted to thank everyone for your replies. I’m working through them. I just wanted to give you all a bit more information based on some of your comments,
No my wife and I did not have children.
Grandma definitely wouldn’t have accepted the relationship. She was very old fashioned shall we say.
There are lots of comments about leaving the ring in my will which I think is a great idea. I hadn’t been able to think clearly since this all happened because I felt stricken with grief again after the shock of being asked. I am going to speak with MIL and BIL ASAP and see if I can offer the ring to BIL’s future children in my will, I don’t want to part the family from the ring but I don’t want to part with it in my lifetime so I’m hoping this can be resolved. I will post an update as soon as I have spoken to everyone.
For those who have mentioned about giving it up if I remarry. I couldn’t possibly answer this question at this point in time. My grief is blinding. To think about loving anybody else in this world feels absolutely impossible.
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oaeksf/update_aita_for_refusing_to_return_my_late_wifes/)
It’s been a while and it thought it would be a good opportunity to update you on my situation.
Since my last post my SIL and I have talked regarding the ring. She has been my mediator and we were always good friends. She agreed from the beginning I should keep the ring. We met up to discuss things and face to face, without the pressure of the rest of the family breathing down my neck we were able to discuss the ring and it’s future.
I told her about my Reddit post and the advice I had been given and that I would be very happy to leave the ring in my will for the first niece or nephew born to the family. So that it’ll go back to the family eventually. I told my SIL between her and I that if I remarry at some point and I feel I am able to part with it then it may be sooner but I definitely didn’t want that in writing. I said I am happy to draw up said contracts/will and relevant copies for this agreement before my departure.
SIL totally agreed with the proposal and once the business side of convo was out the way she told me what was the spark that lit this horrendous fire. FIL never got on with my late wife and especially not me, the ring is from his side of the family. He has a very greedy nature and although he despised his mother, he despised the fact that something of value that he deemed his inheritance has been taken away from him. That, and he is openly homophobic too. He hated my late wife for it, and apparently when he found out what his mother’s wishes for the ring was he lost his mind, even though he is an only child and inherited a small fortune from her. After my wife passed he saw it as an opportunity to get the ring back and harassed the family to "get it back no matter what it takes" SIL said BIL doesn’t even want it for his fiancé but they are all scared of FIL and he would make MIL’s life hell.
SIL said she is so glad that I am moving home to be with my family. We shared a lot of tears and it was so so good to talk about my wife with her. Luckily and hopefully for all of us SIL shouldn’t be too long before she has her first child with her husband as they’ve just started trying.
SIL and I talked again over the phone after the relevant information was relayed to the family. Apparently FIL is still raging but she said she could see in her BIL and MIL relief on their faces. Apparently FIL really lost his mind when she told him I’m moving back home believing the ring will be lost forever, even though the paperwork etc is all getting in order nicely now.
I wanted to finish this by thanking everyone for your kind words especially relating to losing my wife. She would have been so touched to have seen so many supportive kind people out there. It’s been a very dark time for me but knowing there are good people out in the world gives me much hope. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oaj8nl/family_of_ops_late_wife_wants_the_family_ring/ | oaj8nl | 7,285 | 462 | [
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2021-06-30T00:35:34 | AITA for accidentally calling out a new colleague on lying about her language skills? | AITA | [removed] | thyme_of_my_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oali40/aita_for_accidentally_calling_out_a_new_colleague/ | oali40 | 9 | 48 | [
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2021-06-30T03:05:51 | Advice. The best tips for writing process. | null | [removed] | Royal-Habit-8076 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oao5zh/advice_the_best_tips_for_writing_process/ | oao5zh | 9 | 0 | [
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2021-06-30T23:17:10 | Parents come in clutch against homophobic SIL - "AITA for wearing my GF's hoodie?" | AITA | ***Original:*** [***AITA for wearing my GF's hoodie?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iocvnp/aita_for_wearing_my_gfs_hoodie/)***. Posted in*** /r/amitheasshole
Hi Reddit. I think I need some help here.
My gf and I went to my parents house last week for a visit. My brother, his wife and their son were also visiting. SIL and I have never gotten along. She kept my brother from coming to my 18th birthday party because I told her she couldn't bring her baby with her (it was a place full of drunk people and loud music, not ideal for a baby). She also has issues with my sexuality (bi guy here) and my relationship with my gf. Though she doesn't like it when I point out how stupid her logic is.
Anyway, things were going good until I got a bit chilly. I'd forgotten to bring a jacket/hoodie with me as it'd been warm when we'd left. Thankfully, my gf is almost always too warm and only wears hoodies cause she looks great in them (her words not mine though she does look great in them). She offered me the hoodie, I put it on and then all hell broke loose.
SIL started lecturing me about how a "real man" would never wear his girlfriend's clothes and, since I'm "normal" (straight) now, then I should try and act more like a man. I don't see her issue with it. My gf is taller than I am so her (already baggy hoodies) look slightly baggier on me cause of how short I am. My gf says she thinks it's cute and I think her hoodies are comfortable. Plus it's not like it's all the time. Anyway, SIL had her rant about how it's gross and makes me less of a man and how it makes her uncomfortable. She made a few comments about how my nephew could be "influenced" by my behaviour. Anyway, things were tense for a while after that and we left a bit earlier than we'd originally planned to.
So fast forward to yesterday, again we were all at my parent's house and I'd decided (with my gf's approval) to wear her bright pink school hoodie. I didn't go to the same school as my gf and SIL knows that. She recognised the hoodie and went quiet, shooting us dirty looks whenever she could and making snarky comments every now and then.
I later got a text from my brother that I made SIL really uncomfortable and that I'm an AH for wearing something I knew would upset her. I know it was petty but I'm a petty bitch and I kinda feel like she started it.
Anyway, most of my family are on my side but there are a few who think I'm an AH for being petty and that I should've just let it go.
So reddit, AITA?
Edit - Thank you so much for the comments and advice! I have made an effort to read and upvote every comment, even if I have't managed to respond. The kind words really mean a lot :)
Also, to those of you who mentioned wearing a skirt or something to the next gathering, my gf actually loved this idea and picked out a pair of her boots (smaller heel so I don't break my neck) and a gorgeous pink sweater for me to wear (I'm not confident enough for skirts... yet). She also suggested makeup. Long story short, if we do go through with it, I may update.
***Update:*** [***UPDATE - AITA for wearing my GF's hoodie?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jce93h/update_aita_for_wearing_my_gfs_hoodie/) ***Posted in*** /r/amitheasshole
So this actually happened a week or two after my original post but we've had a few unrelated family issues going on and I haven't been able to post.
Like a few of you suggested, I did wear my gf's clothes at the next gathering. Nothing major, just some cute high heeled boots, her pink sweater and a pair of her jeans. She also painted my nails a beautiful shade of pink and helped style my hair. Let's just say, by the end of it I wasn't looking like a stereotypical "manly man". Not that there's anything wrong with people that do like more masculine clothes. My gf had also decided to wear jeans and a button up shirt (just to annoy SIL).
Anyways, we went to my parents and immediately got glares and rude comments from SIL. The comments started about how "if I want to be the woman in a relationship so bad then I should just go back to being a f\*g" etc. There were a bunch of comments before this but she got annoyed when we ignored them in favour of having an intelligent conversation with other family members.
That was the comment that really got to my parents though, it was partly the comment and partly the fact that my brother didn't do anything other than laugh. I've told them to stay out of it as my brother has a history of stopping their contact with my nephew over stupid things and they have enough to worry about. I'd bullied a bit in the past for my sexuality and my brother never stood by me. To him it was my own fault, if I didn't want to be bullied then I should've stayed in the closet.
My parents freaked out and all the anger and resentment towards my SIL that they had built up for the past few years came pouring out. They told her how they really felt about her and how they are disgusted that my brother could allow someone to treat his own brother like crap.They told them to leave and SIL is no longer welcome in their home until she apologises. My brother tried the threat of preventing them from seeing their grandson but they were done with him and threatened to get a lawyer involved. They now have scheduled visits (though now it's video calls as the rules are more tight again). I feel bad that they're no longer talking to my brother but they've assured me that they'll be okay.
Honestly this turned into my parents being badasses rather than myself or gf doing much (other than looking absolutely fabulous). Either way, I'm glad that we won't have to see her for a long while. We blocked her everywhere after this incident due to the angry messages/voicemails we were getting. I know this probably isn't the update a lot of people were hoping for but it's brought my family some peace of mind and I'm happy with that.
Edit - Okay holy crap this blew up. Seriously thank you for all the amazing comments and awards. I've been trying to read all the comments, sorry that I can't reply to them all.
I've seen a lot of people asking about my nephews visits with my parents. It was not done through a court. It is literally just a plan that my parents and brother came up with so that they can have regular contact with my nephew without speak to his parents. As for the lawyer question. Honestly I do not know everything about how it works, I'm going off what my parents have told me.
We live in Scotland and technically grandparents don't have automatic legal rights to their grandkids. They can, however, get a lawyer involved and the courts can decide if contact with grandparents is best for the child. Due to the fact that my nephew is a bit older now there is a good chance they could take his opinion into account.
I hope this sort of cleared this up for you guys. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ob92an/parents_come_in_clutch_against_homophobic_sil/ | ob92an | 6,886 | 499 | [
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2021-07-01T15:44:40 | A woman with an exhausting family has a minor epiphany that it's not her responsibility to scramble to clean up after their poor planning. | AITA | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oablsw/aita_for_not_sharing_my_hotel_room_with_my_family/), titled "AITA for not sharing my hotel room with my family that never plans ahead?", was posted by /u/Unlikely_Rub_863.*
My family has a wedding coming up next month. Knowing I would be in the wedding I went to book my hotel room as soon as I knew the date, about six months ago. I was shocked to see that all the nicer hotels in the area were going for $600 per night, which is too much especially since I’m in the wedding and will stay multiple nights. I ended up just getting at a room at an okay hotel near the venue. And for just ten dollars more a night at 150 I got an upgraded corner room. (Single room but larger with a pull out couch). I told my family about the hotel situation and told them to book it now, especially since they wouldn’t be charged until check in and could cancel up until the day before check in.
At the time they made fun of me for staying at such a budget hotel. Basically saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in a place like that and if it’s their first hotel stay since covid they want to stay somewhere nicer.
A few months go by and the bride messages me to make sure I booked a room cause the hotel prices are ticking up, 800 for the nice hotels and 200 for the budget one. I tell her I am good and remind my family to book ASAP.
Well here we are a month before the wedding and they didn’t book a room. They thought the prices would come down as the date got closer. Now the budget hotel is fully booked and the only hotels within 30 minutes are 1000 per night.
They now want to stay in my room with my husband and I. It would be my parents, sister, brother and his girlfriend. They want to bring air mattresses. I mean technically we could fit but I just feel like they never plan ahead and I am always going out of my way to solve their problems. Plus my husband and I haven’t taken any time off since our wedding in 2019 and since we are saving for a house I don’t see us doing another trip anytime soon.
I told my family this but they think I think I am too good for them. I just want to spend some quality time with my husband and their lack of planning shouldn’t derail my weekend. Am I the asshole?
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/obc2kl/update_aita_for_not_sharing_my_hotel_room_with_my/)
First off, thank you everyone for reassuring me and helping me grow a spine and say no.
While you’re responses were coming in I was frantically compiling hotel options based on distance. My husband just asked me what’s the worst that would happen if I didn’t go out of my way to solve my family’s problem. It just clicked for me, they would figure something out and this doesn’t have to be my problem. While I really appreciate what my husband said, having so many people chime in on Reddit really assured me to not take this on.
After gathering some courage I called my parents and told them they could not stay in my hotel room. Besides being against the hotels policy/fire code it’s not fair to me and my husband. Not surprisingly they were still giving me the hard sell and finally said “well you will have to break the news to your brother and sister”. They know I hate ruffling feathers but with my new spine I just said fine and hung up.
I called my sister to tell her she couldn’t stay with me. She was really confused, she was shocked at what our parents were trying to do. Evidently my dad told her he had taken care of their hotel accommodations months ago. I called my brother and had a similar conversation.
My sister really stepped it up and figured out where they could stay. She found a three bedroom home on Airbnb that was 20 mins away and reasonably priced.
My sister thinks our parents subconsciously orchestrated this whole issue to be at the center of the families attention. My parents became empty nesters at the start of covid so this may be a way of acting out. My sister and I are going to check in with them more often and make sure to plan our own hotels going forward!
Also for some clarification, it’s not so much that the hotel is bad, it’s just right in the shoulder of a freeway interchange and has industrial space on the other side. So my parents wouldn’t be caught dead there because of the location rather than the quality of the hotel. Or so they say...
The wedding venue is farm and the only way to get to it is through this California beach town with luxury resorts, think Ritz Carlton. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oboij7/a_woman_with_an_exhausting_family_has_a_minor/ | oboij7 | 4,554 | 747 | [
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2021-07-01T15:55:33 | At the height of the pandemic last year, OP's repulsive boss kept casually chewing on OP's personal items that they keep at their desk, and leaving his half chewed food on their workstation. [AskAManager] | EXTERNAL | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.askamanager.org/2020/06/my-disgusting-boss-touches-and-chews-on-everything-on-my-desk.html) appeared on the AskAManager blog, not on Reddit.*
My boss, who is a lawyer, is of the opinion that everything on my desk and in my office is his and completely fair game. It doesn’t matter if I bought it, brought it from home, or that I don’t want germs spread around the office — he thinks he can touch and use EVERYTHING.
Because of COVID-19 (and, really, even before that), I have asked him repeatedly to not use my desk and the things on it. He says he’ll stop but he doesn’t. I’ve found chewed pens, chewed food, and spilled drinks on my desk. It happens daily. This is a man whose wife covers all the furniture in their house because he is such a slob. It’s just gross.
He told me yesterday that because his hands are dry and “because of arthritis,” he actually licks his fingers so he can keep a grip on his pen (!!). He also puts work papers in his mouth, and they have bite marks on them. Ewww!
I have certain types of pens on my desk that I bought and can tell the writing apart from his ink pen, and I have noticed he uses them (I sanitized them and everything else).
He has his own office and supplies, so I’m not sure why he does this, other than my desk is exponentially cleaner than his. I have taken all my supplies off my desk and kept them in my car before so he won’t touch them, have left huge notes on legal size file folders asking that my desk not be used, covered my desk, shut my door — nothing works!
Most of these bad habits are just that — habits. I’m not sure he can even stop doing any of these things. He’s the owner so there is no one above him or an HR to go to. Short of setting mouse traps, I’m not sure how to get the point across that these behaviors are just gross and show a great lack of respect for anyone else in the office. Any advice?
---
[**FIRST UPDATE**](https://www.askamanager.org/2020/12/update-my-disgusting-boss-touches-and-chews-on-everything-on-my-desk.html)
I wish I could say he stopped touching everything on my desk but I can’t – he still does it. He has no regard for anyone’s personal space and firmly believes that if it’s in his office it belongs to him.
What I have done is what some of your readers suggested and greatly minimized what he touches. I have moved all of my pens, markers, stapler, everything somewhere else. I leave nothing on my desk when I go home. The stapler goes home with me and my pen holder is now a Clorox wipes tub that sits with the other cleaning supplies in my office. There is absolutely no danger of him going in that! Lol!
I have learned that my boss is simply one of those people who will run you over if you let him. I don’t let him. I’m never disrespectful but do let him know in very specific terms that some behavior is not okay (like putting my pens and paper he gives in his mouth!) and that I will go home if he doesn’t cut it out. That usually works. I am paid well here and my hours are prime, so I’m not leaving. It’s just a matter of getting through to him that he can’t act any kind of gross way he wants to just because he’s the boss. It will continue to be that proverbial “work in progress.” Thank you and your readers for all the suggestions!
[*OP linked to this photo of their ingenious pen hiding spot.*](https://www.askamanager.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/unnamed-scaled.jpg)
---
**MINI UPDATE**
As an update to my update…my boss has probably given me COVID. 😡 He came to work very sick on Monday (and probably over Christmas break while I was gone). I was in the office long enough to hear how sick he was and left immediately. It still didn’t help because I’m sure he was in there touching everything. I suddenly lost my sense of smell yesterday, so got tested today. Unbelievable!
I’d like to add a message to employers as well. Please stay home if you’re sick! It doesn’t matter what you have, just stay home! And if your employees are sick, make them go home until they’re better.
---
[**FINAL UPDATE**](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/06/updates-disgusting-boss-touches-and-chews-on-everything-on-my-desk-and-more.html)
I was just catching up on AAM and decided to send you an update. Shortly after returning to work after my bout with COVID, I turned in my resignation. I explained to my boss that his behavior was, at the very least, irresponsible and that I could no longer work for him. I gave him more than a month’s notice – which was very generous considering the circumstances. I ended up interviewing with a partner in one of the most highly regarded firms in my area and landed a great position with great benefits and a little bit of a salary bump! I started at the beginning of March and couldn’t be happier! My whole demeanor has changed and I like it – I’m much happier and a lot less stressed. No one touches anything on my desk, all my things are just as I leave them, I am appreciated, and, most importantly, I am somewhere NORMAL! Many thanks to everyone for their advice and support – it gave me the willpower to stand my ground with my old boss and finally sever those toxic ties. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oboqsq/at_the_height_of_the_pandemic_last_year_ops/ | oboqsq | 5,187 | 615 | [
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2021-07-01T16:41:21 | Original and an empowering Update for OP: I (25F) accidentally sat on the lap of my boyfriend’s (27M) friend (27M) and he’s being super weird about i | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. Original post by* [u/marelli9](https://www.reddit.com/user/marelli9/) in [r/relationship\_advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/)
Original link [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/o25ndb/i\_25f\_accidentally\_sat\_on\_the\_lap\_of\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o25ndb/i_25f_accidentally_sat_on_the_lap_of_my/)
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and several weeks ago, I went out drinking with my boyfriend and his friends. My alcohol tolerance plummeted with covid and not going out, and I ended up getting way too drunk. I barely remember about half the night.
At one point on the party bus, I was having a really difficult time staying seated, as the bus was moving alot and I was wasted. I went to sit on my boyfriend’s lap and put my arm around him, but in my drunken stupor, I mistakenly sat on the lap of one of his very good friends. They both have the same hair color and style, and were wearing very similar clothing (black formal jacket and white button down). Suddenly, a girl grabs my hand and whispers in my ear “that’s eric not greg”
I immediately look at the guy who’s lap I’m sitting on, and realize it’s not my boyfriend. I apologize profusely to eric and his girlfriend, and they both laughed and said it was fine. I got the feeling that they understood what happened: I was drunk and confused, and did it on accident.
My boyfriend Greg however, he seems to still be mad at me. He saw the entire thing, including my facial expression when the girlfriend told me about my mistake. I looked mortified, and what I did was completely unintentional. I apologized to my boyfriend later that night, and told him how embarrassing my mishap was. When we got home, he didn’t want to have sex. It’s been weeks, and he still will barely touch me, look at me, or kiss me. I asked him several times what was wrong, and he always says its nothing and in my head. I sat down and thought about when his behavior changed, and it lines up perfectly with that night.
I sat him down last night and explained to him that I can tell he’s not his usual cheerful, affectionate self, and how terrible I feel if my behavior is the reason for this. I tried so hard to make him understand it was an accident, I was drunk and confused. He just looked at me coldly and said “ok”
I feel so heartbroken right now that he’s acting like this. I am also starting to feel mad because I don’t feel like my behavior warrants this level of resentment. Am I being crazy here? I really don’t feel like this should be that big of a deal. I’m considering ending things because I feel like talking to him at this point is pointless.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Update:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/obp4br/update\_i\_25f\_accidentally\_sat\_on\_the\_lap\_of\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/obp4br/update_i_25f_accidentally_sat_on_the_lap_of_my/)
Sorry for the late update, a big reason why this took so long was because I had basically gotten ghosted by him and had no new information to share. About a week ago, I sent him a very sweet text telling him I missed him and was hoping to talk to him on the phone that night, and make plans for next week. I got a very cold response back with no answer in regards to speaking on the phone that night, and that he wouldn't be free to hangout until after July 10 because of football games and birthdays (????).
I considered driving to this house to end things in person, but I ultimately decided I didn't feel safe doing that. I don't know why, he has never been abusive or violent, I just got this strange gut feeling that I shouldn't go over there, especially since it would be unannounced.
As much as I hated doing this, I had to end things with him over a text message because it was very clear to me that he did not want to hangout in person.
I sent him a text saying: "I care about you alot, and obviously I deeply regret the stupid mistake I made of accidentally sitting on eric's lap that night. Unless I did or said something else that night that upset you, it has been pretty clear to me that your opinion of me and this relationship has changed. I completely understand that what I did was stupid and offensive, and I hope you know it was genuinely an accident. You guys were dressed identically that night, and it was dark in the party bus. I'm so sorry and I know it doesn't justify my actions, but I can't keep living with this silent treatment. I wish you the best, but I think we should just end things now. Good luck to you, and I wish you nothing but happiness."
He didn't text me back, and then three days later, he starts following one of my girlfriends on instagram. He responded to one of her instagram stories, and my girlfriend lets me know that he did that and that she's removed him as a follower. I genuinely feel like he was trying to get at my friend to get back at me for accidentally sitting on his friend's lap. It's so immature that I'm actually chuckling to myself about this entire situation. I'm ultimately just so happy that I saw this side of him before I wasted any more time in this relationship. Thank you to everyone who helped me see this insanity for what it was. | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/obpplg/original_and_an_empowering_update_for_op_i_25f/ | obpplg | 5,536 | 637 | [
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2021-07-01T19:45:30 | WIBTA if I complained to the owners of a cafe about how long it takes their employee to cut cheese? | AITA | ***Please remember I'm not the original Poster, I just found this***
[**Original Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ewo5ub/wibta_if_i_complained_to_the_owners_of_a_cafe/)
I work in an office building which has a cafe in it. It’s not table service - you go up to the counter and have a choice of a hot meal, soup or a sandwich. The Owners don’t manage it as they are a catering company that supply the food in the morning. They leave The Worker to deal with the distribution of paninis and soup.
He is a pleasant person and very talkative, and there is nothing particularly odd about him other than his apparent immunity to the passage of time itself.
He will not prep anything. There’s no sandwiches assembled and waiting to go. There’s an empty fridge bit next to the counter. The racks stand barren, devoid of even a glimpse of a BLT.
Ok, so the sandwiches are freshly prepared each time? Yes, great. But he doesn’t prep the ingredients either. He has to take out and cut these up every single time someone orders something. And he will take his time. The man will cut cheese with the concentration of someone dissassembling the Large Hadron Collider, and he does it on an order-by-order basis.
I will explain his process.
There will be a line of four people, and the first will order a cheese panini. He will take out and cut open a panini from the cupboard. He will open the fridge, take out the 5kg block of cheese, unwrap it, cut three slices with the aching determination of a man clinging to the last trace of his self control, rewrap the cheese, and place the cheese in the fridge. He will turn on the panini maker (it is not already on). He will assemble the panini and put it in. He will wait twenty minutes for the panini to cook, during which time he will start another order and begin the same process of taking out and unwrapping and slicing each ingredient before putting it away.
He will take out, open, serve from, close and put away each box of salad in turn. He will boil a kettle with enough water for one tea. Ladies and gentlemen, he will turn the machine off between paninis. Lunch only lasts two hours.
We’ve had clients visit who attempt to get lunch during meeting breaks who return, sandwichless and with a thousand-yard stare.
When he runs out of something he doesn’t score it off the board. Last week he ran out of all types of cheese, all week. He just kept explaining it to everyone individually. He ponders about aimlessly like a Skyrim NPC in an inn, insurmountable tasks mounting in front of him. But he honestly seems to enjoy working there.
It’s like he just doesn’t grasp the concept of pre-sliced cheese and well-timed panini makers. We’ve mentioned how long it takes him, but he just sort of laughs and says ‘ah, fresh food’. Just cut the cheese. Please just cut the cheese.
The reason he’s running out of food is the owners aren’t selling as much and there adjusting their stock accordingly. There is a lot of demand but the supply takes 30 minutes to toast a panini and spends it talking shite about how mild this winter is.
It’s honestly driving me insane.
But still I feel like it’d be a dick move?
[**Notable Comment**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ewo5ub/wibta_if_i_complained_to_the_owners_of_a_cafe/fg43yvn/?context=3)
Thanks for this, that seems like the best course of action. I’ve discussed this with several other key players in the cheese drama, and think we’re going to do a bit of recon on the situation. We’re sending the least threatening among us, in a fluffy cardigan, to the cafe to ask him if he can prep the food or if it’s a weird owner thing (words will be chosen better than this). We’ll go when he isn’t busy (which, honestly, is any other time not between 12 and 2). If he says ‘I am not allowed’ we will take it up with owners, emphasising how lovely he is and that we think the lack of prep specifically (which we have established is not his fault, but a top down command, but obviously will not reveal) is an issue and we’ve noticed a long wait. If he says ‘what is prep?’ I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming, pounce over the counter and eat the entire five kilograms of cheese.
[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ewo5ub/wibta_if_i_complained_to_the_owners_of_a_cafe/)
An update:
I already ran out of characters otherwise would have tagged this on the end.
Other victims have weighed in upon my discussing this with them. He starts at about 9am, and takes a cigarette break in the middle of the two hour lunch.
Apparently someone already asked him why he doesn’t prep and he told them it makes his hand sore, and I don’t know if she had anything else to add there because at that point I’d just started screaming.
Also to those of you picturing me as a petty, slightly weird man I’m happy to reveal I’m actually a far pettier, deranged woman.
Also I need to stop milking it now because my exasperated boyfriend keeps asking me if I keep going quiet because I’m thinking about this post and it’s true. I am ruining Saturday.
Going to bring it up kindly with a view to helping and supporting, as per cardigan plan below, regardless.
Also thank you for all the awards, holy shit
[Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/obtkop/wibta_if_i_complained_to_the_owners_of_a_cafe/h40a5cw/)
Hello!
So I didn’t update further as it felt like I was really milking the attention and being a bit insufferable, but that was probably somewhat my own anxiety about suddenly getting more than the attention of three people.
I don’t know if posting one here is ok? It probably is weird to do so too, but just as you were interested!
So basically I think the thing I failed to convey accurately was that the complaint was on behalf of everyone. Like I wasn’t routinely forgetting lunch but we all do sometimes and when you have an office of 40 that affects someone every day. Also affected our clients who visited, etc.
Ultimately, my boss ended up complaining after the guy went for another cigarette break at exactly 1pm. But it was constructive and nice, and the guy ended up getting extra training and the owner came in to assist at lunch and stuff.
However, shit started getting crazy with Covid so the focus kind of went away. We went into lockdown a few weeks after (if I remember correctly!) and haven’t been back in the building in over a year. Hopefully soon though. But at this point I’m kind of dreading it as means I need to spend money on new clothes - have gained so much weight in lockdown that when I put on a bra and pants I look like sausage links.
The guy has a different job now in a call centre, presumably costing them thousands in calls per minute due to his glacially-chilled pace. So I don’t know if the cafe will even be open when we go back.
Also there were a few comments that the guy may have had autism. I don’t know - I have a few friends with autism, and I used to work as both a teacher and support worker so know a lot of people with autism. I appreciate I don’t know for certain but I don’t think he had it. I think he just didn’t care that much/ wasn’t really suited to hospitality.
But, one global pandemic later, it seems to have worked out. | Schattenspringer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/obtkop/wibta_if_i_complained_to_the_owners_of_a_cafe/ | obtkop | 7,273 | 440 | [
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2021-07-01T21:12:55 | OP's wife doesn't want him to go back to school | AITA | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i5lyif/aita_for_being_a_stay_at_home_parent_and_going/)
AITA for being a stay at home parent and going back to school?
My wife has an incredible work ethic. Neither of us is college educated but managed to be professionally successful the majority of our adult lives. My wife has worked since she was 15 and really defines herself by the work she accomplishes. She worked right up until she gave birth even though she really didn't really need to. We had been planning for her being at home and my job had amazing insurance so the hospital bills were manageable.
After our daughter was born my wife went back to work after about 2 and a half months. She was going crazy being at home with the baby all the time. I was working from home full time. My job was very demanding and I had a lot of clients. I was unavailable from 8 until 6 every day.
This was hard for my wife - I was technically home but really needed to focus on my job so wasn't much help. I instead took on dinners and laundry and cleaning and whenever the kiddo woke up at night I was the one that got up to let my wife sleep. We were both incredibly sleep deprived, that's just how it goes with newborns.
When my wife went back to work we couldn't afford child care and my wife essentially said "you're home, you're on deck. I went from working 50 hours a week to working 50 hours a week while taking care of my daughter full time.
My work suffered, my relationship with my clients suffered, my marriage suffered, and I was still getting up at nights because my wife would just sleep through our daughter crying.
The company I worked for was sold a year later. I found work here and there that let me be home with our baby during the day but knew I couldn't work full time from home again AND take care of the baby. My wife suggested I stay home. She got a new job with insurance for her and our daughter but my insurance went away. I was stuck. My wife wasn't going to change her job plans and made it clear she wasn't up to being the stay at home parent. We couldn't afford child care, couldn't afford insurance for me, couldn't let me find work that would help pay for that stuff.
It's been about a year and other than the occasional seasonal gig I've been the stay at home parent. My wife constantly uses this against me when I ask her for things. "You don't being in any money you don't understand the stress of being the sole provider". This really hurts. She didn't really give me a choice here but makes me feel awful for being home and won't combine our finances so I can help budget.
I'm going back to school in September. I arranged everything to make it possible, but my wife has been telling me what a terrible idea it is. My parents are paying for it, and providing childcare 2 days a week. My father has a degenerative disease and won't be able to babysit in a few years. I'll also be able to get some health insurance.
Other than asking my wife to watch our daughter 2 weekdays instead of one, I've made sure she won't have to do anything else. She's literally just moving one of her days off. But she's making me feel horribly selfish.
AITA?
Edit: I never really thought of my wife's behavior as abusive but that seems to be the general consensus so far. I never even considered that financial abuse might be a thing. I'm not sure what to do. Right now I'm leaning towards trying to make my wife aware of what she's doing and how it is affecting me. Reading your comments has been a little therapeutic.
A lot of this stuff feels like things I've known in my head but have really been afraid to acknowledge. If my wife refuses to address these issues with me I'm genuinely afraid of what that means for my family. Thank you to everyone who has responded up to now. I've been doing a lot of uncomfortable reflecting and have more to do I'm sure, but this was helpful.
[Update 10 Months Later ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o8l9yr/update_aita_for_being_a_stay_at_home_parent_and/)
A lot of people in my previous post brought up financial abuse - not a concept I was familiar with. It was incredibly difficult for me to accept that my wife was being manipulative and controlling in that way.
I had this notion in my head that any kind of abuse had to be intentionally malicious, and that being kind and accepting and loving meant taking the good with the bad and not judging when someone is unkind to me. In the case of my wife, I really thought that since I understood where her behavior was coming from (how she grew up) that I had to learn to deal with how she acted towards me. It was my problem to solve.
I went back to school, despite my wife's disapproval, and also found a job that has given me a scholarship for school. I'm going into engineering. Never thought I'd love math this much but I really really do. Thought getting a job and having tuition covers might stop my wife from being upset about school but ooh boy I was wrong.
My wife is still not supportive. I just finished up my first year of classes literally yesterday (4.0 baby!) And I'm on cloud 9. The entire year, all I've heard from her is how little I help around the house, that my job should pay me more, that she can't be expected to do everything, that it's going to take too long to get my degree. Endless.
I will always love my wife, but I've realized we're not good together. With the help of my therapist I've been learning to say what I want and to set reasonable boundaries and expectations - especially with money. I want to be able to coparent our daughter together but I'm also very aware that my wife isn't likely to split with me amicably. It's a tough position to be in for me.
All in all, my life is on a positive path. I'm grateful for the insight everyone here provided. I'm sad about my marriage but since I made the decision to separate I've felt so much relief. I'm working to not feel guilty about that. I was raised to believe that divorce meant failure. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. Trying to keep something going when it's just over... surefire way to be unhappy. I'm glad I've got the perspective to see that now.
I don't want to make it sound like I'm perfect and wife is this raging B. The first few years of our marriage I was battling undiagnosed bipolar disorder and was a miserable shit. I'm stable, medicated, in therapy and really enjoying my life right now. That was another one of the reasons I put up with a lot of the negative treatment. I felt like I deserved it.
Anyway. Love being a student. Love my job. Love my kiddo. Thanks again.
Edit:
Just a few things I'd like to add.
1) thank you again for all the love. The positivity and encouragement I've received here is incredible. I've had to make a lot of hard choices and haven't heard much in the way of "good job". I needed that.
2) a lot of people have expressed their concern over potential custody battles. My brother is a lawyer and got me in touch with someone who understand family law so I've been preparing for any legal fights. I'm still hopeful my wife and I can figure out a plan that works for all three of us, but for my daughter's sake I need to cover my bases.
3) my wife is not the devil. She has issues that's she's refused to address, and that's made our marriage hard on both of us. As someone in the comments said, you have to deal with your own issues before you can help anyone else. My wife is overwhelmed by her issues and does what she feels will make her safe, and while I understand it, it's not my problem to solve. Couldn't solve it for her if I tried. And I've tried.
4) to the people who said we should never have had a child together, you're probably right, but I'll never regret that my daughter came into the world. Best person ever, hands down.
5) if you or someone you love is struggling with mental health issues don't wait - address it now. Do whatever it takes to find the help you need. It will only get harder to deal with if you wait. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/obvdn9/ops_wife_doesnt_want_him_to_go_back_to_school/ | obvdn9 | 8,077 | 374 | [
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2021-07-02T00:04:22 | OP has a SIL and relatives from Hell but ends up growing a shiny spine by the end. | AITA | Original Saga by [u/Eternal\_Hope3659](https://www.reddit.com/user/Eternal_Hope3659/posts/)
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ivrh66/aita_for_being_upset_and_leaving_when_my_sister/) in AITA, the rest were in JUSTNOFAMILY
I (36f) found out that I am pregnant. I am overjoyed as I have always wanted a child of my own. I focused on my career in my life and since I am single, I wasn’t sure if having a baby would ever happen.
I was excited to tell my family the big news. My older sister has one child, my nephew (7m). My brother is married but he and his wife have made it very clear they will always be child free.
Last night we had a family dinner and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to share the news. Since this will be my only child I wanted to make it special and I also wanted to involve my nephew.
I got a shirt that read “this is what an awesome big cousin looks like”. I slipped away with my nephew before dinner and had a special moment with him while I told him he was going to have a cousin.
My nephew was very excited and put on the shirt. He put his sweater on over it and I told him he could take the sweater off whenever he wanted at dinner.
In the middle of dinner he took off the sweater and waited for someone to notice. Soon my sister jumped up and excitedly screamed when she saw the shirt.
They all then immediately assumed it was my sister in law. I wasn’t hurt my them assuming this and I kind of expected it because she is married.
I was hurt because my sister in law didn’t try to correct them. She just went along with it and began to rub her flat belly while laughing. I must have looked completely hurt because my mother yelled at me to stop being rude and to congratulate them.
I tried to explain that I was the one who gave my nephew the shirt. They all didn’t even hear me and just continued to fawn over my sister in law. My brother stood frozen in shock just asking his wife if she was serious.
I got up and went home. I received multiple texts at this point from them telling me what an asshole I am for making this about me. They said things like it wasn’t my sister in laws fault that I was jealous. I didn’t reply to anything and just cried myself to sleep.
This morning my sister in law must have finally let it slip that she is not pregnant. They have now all called me to apologize saying that they just got caught up in the moment.
They said I shouldn’t have left the dinner and that it’s my fault I wasn’t clear enough that I was the one who is pregnant. My mom said I could have a redo dinner so I can get it right and they will all act surprised.
My sister in law sent me a message that said that the way I chose to announce was how she wanted to do it if she ever got pregnant. She said that since she is not ever having a child that she just wanted to experience what the moment would be like. She also said I can have my chance at the redo dinner.
I told them no and that I will not be doing a redo. Every single person has now told me I am being selfish and an asshole because I won’t let them make it right.
To me there’s no fixing this. I will eventually forgive them but I don’t want to do a second announcement so they feel better.
AITA?
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/l3zvx6/update_my_sister_in_law_stole_my_pregnancy/)
This is an update to my previous AITA post about my sister in law stealing my pregnancy announcement. I’ve had many people messaging me asking for an update so I thought I’d posting one here seemed like a fitting place. It has been four months since my last post and it has been a wild ride. I am now almost seven months pregnant and expecting a baby girl.
After everything happened I tried going low contact with my family. I didn’t want to deal with their drama and chose to instead focus on my pregnancy. That didn’t last long because my brother showed up at my door a few days after the dinner with his suitcase. He needed some time to work things out and I was happy to give him a place to stay while he did.
My sister in law and other family members began calling both of us nonstop during this time. They were begging my brother to talk to his wife. Eventually she convinced him that it was all a joke that just went horribly wrong. I knew this was total bullshit and that she was lying.
My brother seemed so lost and broken without her though. He went back home after staying with me for only a short time. Before he left I talked to him everything and told him all my concerns. He said that he loves his wife and this was all just a misunderstanding. He told me I was cruel for holding a joke gone wrong against her and that we both need to get over it. I couldn’t force him to listen to reason so I just let him go.
After he left I went back on low contact with most of my family and have been much happier since. I realized after reading the comments on my previous post exactly how toxic my family is. I decided to focus on the people in my life that were truly there to support me and my baby. My parents keep trying to contact me but it has become less frequent lately.
Yesterday I received news that many of you had predicted. My sister in law is now pregnant. I found out when I received a invitation to her upcoming gender reveal zoom party in my email.
I haven’t responded yet and I haven’t heard any news from any family other than the invitation. I’m torn between laughing hysterically and crying for my brother. I truly don’t know what to think
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/ljwe2i/update_i_made_a_mistake_and_went_to_my_sils/)
My brother and SILs gender reveal zoom party took place today. For the last few weeks I had been debating on if I should attend or not. I had been doing well with being no contact with most of my family but I couldn’t seem to let go of the feeling that I was being selfish and not supportive of my brother. So I decided to reach out and talk. I think I decided this mainly out of curiosity but also loneliness. It’s hard being pregnant, alone and stuck in lockdown.
I reached out to them online. My brother and his wife are definitely pregnant. They started to try shortly after he returned home from staying with me. My SIL told me that my brother changed his mind about having children after a long talk they had about their future. I personally think there is more to this story but I don’t have all the details on this yet.
They did tell me that they were sorry about what happened with my pregnancy announcement. My brother asked me if we would all just move forward and if I would come to their gender reveal. I agreed and decided to let it go.
I also started to speak with my parents again. My parents did not apologize for their part in what happened at my pregnancy announcement. They didn’t even really acknowledge that anything had happened at all between us at all. They don’t ask me much about my pregnancy or my baby. They have only been interested enough to ask two questions. They asked what my child’s last name will be since I’m a single mother and what the gender is. I told them I will not be sharing the gender of my baby until the birth.
Today was the gender reveal zoom party. We were instructed to wear blue or pink depending on what we thought the gender would be. I chose to wear pink since the only dress I own that fits me right now happens to be pink.
As all the attendees logged onto the zoom call everything seemed to be going rather well. My parents were in head to toe blue and said it was because they are excited that my brother is finally “carrying on the family name”. My SIL and brother were dressed opposite in all pink. Everyone seemed happy and ready to celebrate.
My sister in law had chosen to pop a large balloon filled with confetti that will reveal the gender. She popped the ballon and out came a cloud of blue confetti. My parents began to cry and cheer at the announcement. My brother and everyone else was smiling and clapping. My SIL on the other hand was not.
The next few moments were filled with all of the guests say their congratulations. My SIL stayed perfectly silent throughout all of it. She seemed somewhat emotionless until I piped up to say my congratulations. I had said to them both “congratulations on your little boy. His cousin can’t wait to meet him”.
My SIL went insane. She began screaming that I was trying to steal the spot light away from her by mentioning my baby. She said that I was being jealous and petty over my birth announcement disaster. She than asked me “what are you f\*\*\*ing having anyway?”. She demanded to know the gender of my baby and began asking if it’s a girl. She than said that I must be having a girl since I’m wearing a pink dress. My parents and other family members did little to stop my SILs melt down.
I chose not to fight with her or to try to reason with her. I just exited the call and let it go. I don’t know what my SILs problem is or why she is behaving this way. I don’t care and I’m not going to let things like this bother me anymore. It was a bad idea to break no contact.
[Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/mc8j7m/update_my_sil_broke_into_my_amazon_account_to/)
I have posted on here a few times before. I apologize for this rant but I just need to get it off my chest. I wish I could say that things have calmed down since my last post. Unfortunately my sister in laws drama just seems to progressively get worse.
My sister in law found out that I am expecting a girl about two weeks ago. She found the gender by logging into my amazon account without my permission and looked through my private lists. I had given my brother the login information for my prime account so that he could watch a show he wanted to see.
I had not expected her to login to the main account and view my private wish lists/ past orders. I was extremely hurt and devastated that she went this far. She took another special moment from me because she went ahead and told the rest of my family the gender. She seems proud of herself for doing this and thinks she is justified because I was “keeping secrets”. She actually thinks that this is a funny story and blames pregnancy brain for any of her poor behaviour.
I finally snapped and told her what she did was appalling and deeply troubling. I told her that she has ruined every major moment in my pregnancy and that I cannot believe that she is proud of it. I told her she should be ashamed of herself and that I am embarrassed for her. I told that at this point I wont be allowing my daughter calling her Aunt because she doesn’t deserve it.
She had a meltdown after this and accused me of trying to get her to miscarry (she says this kind of thing a lot). My brother and other family members tried to jump in to defender her but I made it clear that I will remove them from my life as well if they continue to defend her. They have since shut their mouths and begun to agree with me.
My SIL gave me a half hearted apology and said they we need to make up for the sake of the kids. I do want to be a part of my new baby nephews life so I do feel a bit stuck in this situation. I agreed to just let it go and try to move on. I made it clear to her and everyone else that they are on very thin ice.
Since everyone now knows now that I am having a girl, I have refused to tell anyone the name that I intend to give my daughter. I want to at least keep that part for me to announce when I have my child. I haven’t even really written it down because I fear someone will find out.
My SIL has asked me many times but I just tell her that I haven’t decided yet. This last week she started sending me girls names that she is calling dibs on. I reminded her that she is having a boy but she seems to be in denial about the fact. She likes to say that we won’t really know the genders for certain until the babies are born.
Most of the names are ones I have no interest in as we have very different styles. She sends me about 4-5 names off her list each day. I generally just ignore her but yesterday she sent the name that I will be naming my daughter. The name is my late great grandmothers name and I have wanted to use the name since I was a teenager.
I won’t be changing my mind about naming my daughter this name. I will be announcing it once she is born. I don’t care of this starts a war as this is the hill that I am willing to die on. I know this is just going to cause an issue when I share her name. At least I have time to prepare for her meltdown this time. I want to be a part of my brother and nephews lives but I’m starting to see that it’s just not worth it.
[Update 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/n9a2ux/update_my_sil_stole_my_pregnancy_announcement/)
My little girl is finally here and doing very well. She is so beautiful and is more amazing than anything that I could have ever imagined. She is a handful already but I am loving every second of it.
You will all be happy to know that I did not allow my SIL to bully me into picking another name. My daughter is named after my great grandmother and it fits her perfectly.
I announced my daughters birth and her name in a message to my family while I was in the hospital. My SIL wasn’t happy about my name choice. She was even angrier when she heard the nickname I chose for my daughter. It’s a shortened version of her name that was also listed on SILs “dibs” list.
She posted on social media about my daughter’s birth and in the announcement she referred to my baby by a different name. She says that it’s her own special nickname for my daughter. Think something like if her name was Grace she decided to nickname her something like Gilly.
It’s very weird and doesn’t even resemble my child’s name at all. I told her immediately to stop and to call my daughter by her proper name or the nickname that I chose. I knew she was only doing it to bother me and that getting upset would just encourage her more. She stopped for a short time but never removed her social media post.
I had my family over to meet the baby a week after I came home from the hospital. That’s when SIL started up with her games again. She purchased a bear for my daughter with “Gilly” embroidered across it.
After being opening that stupid bear. My family members laughed and told me to stop being so controlling. They told me to get over it and that SILs nickname is cute. They too started to use the “Gilly” name. I felt like I couldn’t even name my own baby and they thought I should just be okay with it.
I realized then that none of them were ever going to change how they treat me. I saw that what I was allowing to happen was just as bad as what they were doing. I was allowing myself to be belittled, hurt and used time and time again. The family members who did nothing are just as bad in my opinion because they’ve never even tried to defended me.
I’ve put up with a lot from my family in the past. I have had to get over so many past issue and pain because I pushed past it in the name of family. Now this was all happening again but this time it was in front of my daughter. What if they started treating my daughter the same way when she is older.
I threw the bear in the garbage in front of them and told them all to leave my house. They are all just as bad as SIL in my opinion. I couldn’t bring myself to yell or scream but I stood firm. I removed my daughter from my mothers arms and showed them all the door. There was a lot of name calling but I stood my ground.
I’m done. I haven’t spoken to them since. They haven’t even tried to contact me. I intend to write a letter or something to them to say everything I feel. I feel like I need that closure. I intend to go no contact with all of them from now on.
I have spoken to my boss and there’s an opportunity for me to move out east to work in a new branch of the company. I intend to accept the new role and move during my mat leave. My plans are not final yet but I believe that a fresh start in a new place could be just the thing I need. I need to do what is best for myself and my daughter.
Regardless of family or anything, I am extremely happy right now. My daughter is the greatest little baby imaginable. I am so overjoyed to be her mother.
Thank you to everyone for all the help and support I received on here. I am extremely grateful for all the advise and kindness that I received but I hope that I never have the need to post on here in the future.
Thank you everyone and I wish you all the best!
[Update 5 (Done after Post)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/oow28t/update_i_got_sucked_back_into_my_familys_madness/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
I was hoping that the last time I posted on here would be my final time but sadly I’m back here again looking for advice again.
Recently my brother was able to get into contact with me by calling from a different phone. He said my SIL had experienced some serious complications and was forced to delivery earlier than expected. My nephew is experiencing some health issues due to being a premie and some other concerns. He is currently in the NICU at the hospital.
My SIL left my brother shortly after the birth of my nephew. She never returned home after being released from the hospital. My brother tells me my SIL said she didn’t want to be my nephews mother and this was all to much for her. He has not heard from her since.
My brother is now calling me and begging for help. My other family members are “supporting” but not actually helping him in any way that matters. They all seem to think it’s a wonderful idea that I just take the baby since I am already on maternity leave.
I really do not know how to even process all this or how they can even ask this of me after everything that happened. I’m torn between unimaginable anger but also concern for my nephew. I’m sorry to break down on here but I’m scared and I don’t no what to do. | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/obyksr/op_has_a_sil_and_relatives_from_hell_but_ends_up/ | obyksr | 18,014 | 1,321 | [
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2021-07-02T20:50:55 | OP was horrible to his mom after she came out the closet and cut contact with her. He now wants to apologize and reconnect | Relationship_Advice | Original: *Treated my mom like shit when she came out of the closet. How can I make it up to her and apologize?* (https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o6rmg2/treated_my_mom_like_shit_when_she_came_out_of_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf )
My mom and I (20M) dont talk anymore and it’s my fault. When I was 13 my parents separated and I was mostly living with my dad because my mom didn’t have anything. He had control of all their money. She had to go back to live with her mom. Then like a year later she decided to come out to everyone. That was all new to me and it was huge. My dad talked about a lot of shit. He was really mad she left him, then he was telling me she didn’t want to see me anymore because she’s living her new life w/o me. How she’s an evil bitch and a “dyke.”
He told me lots of stuff that wasn’t true and it made me hate her. How she abandon me when in reality She tried to fight for custody of me, but it was hard when she hadn’t work in years then had no money. My dad got full custody of me and she had visitation. But I made it so hard because of how much I hated her for breaking our family. I called her stuff, was super mean to her GF. She try therapy and I didn’t want to. Then I think when i was like 16 I remember she asked me and was crying what can she do to help me be happy with her. I told her I’ll be happy when she burns. Literally said it like that.
My mom got quiet after that. Then from there she said if I only want to be at my dads then that’s fine she won’t force me to see her anymore if I don’t want to. Just that she loves me and to call her when im ready.
That’s the last time we talked. So is been 4 years of nothing. I didn’t even invite her to my graduation. Ive been thinking a lot about how I was with her back then. Also have dealt with some stuff in my life and started to see my dad for how he is. I’m noticing now that he really is a controlling asshole. Then how he used to be with her even when I was growing up. Sometimes I tell my girlfriend about how he was with her back then and even she says he was abusive af even if he wasn’t hitting her. Just been learning lot of the stuff he said about her isn’t true and it’s made me feel like shit. I treated my mom so bad and I wanna reach out. It’s 4 years since we talked though, zero communication.
I don’t even know what to say. Basically kicked her out of my life just for leaving my dad and then coming out as gay. Is there really anything I can say now that it’s been so much time not being in eachother’s lives?? Is she even gonna wanna see me for how I treated her? Idk what I’m supposed to do to show her I’m sorry or how can we rebuild a relationship?
Update: *Treated my mom like shit when she came out of the closet. How can I make it up to her and apologize?* (https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ocgmis/update_treated_my_mom_like_shit_when_she_came_out/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf )
Thank u thank u sooo so much for all the support and advice you gave in my last [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o6rmg2/treated_my_mom_like_shit_when_she_came_out_of_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) about this. Feeling like shit about what I did the nerves of talking to my mom again. Y’all have me hope that maybe it would be ok. And just say what I needed to say w/o wasting no more time. I found her on Facebook so that’s where I decided to message her. My girlfriends was really cool about helping me type what to say. We prolly spent like an hour cause I kept changing my mind about what to say. Kept it short though because I wanted to say what I really needed to in person.
She didn’t read it until next day and she was asking me stuff like how am I, she so happy to hear from me. We didn’t chat too much I wanted this to be in person so we met up on Sunday. I was nervous af I almost cancelled but I couldn’t. Btw thanks to the person who commented the story of their friend and her son. That’s the one that made me feel motivated to go cause that broke my heart and don’t want my mom waiting like that. My girl drove me but I wanted to do the meeting alone.
We got to her place. She let me in. I try so hard to be cool I needed to let it all out telling her I’m sorry for everything. Idk if y’all seen avatar but basically it felt like that zuko iroh hug at the end. She didn’t let me finish everything I was saying she was just hugging me. At that point I’m like shaking crying then she was too. I think I cried so much I had a headache that’s how long it was. We calmed down then we talked. I finished up with everything I needed to say. How fucked up I feel for treating her like shit all because she was tryna get out of an abusive ass marriage and being who she is. Like I admitted for me it felt weird seeing my own mom with a woman after my whole life only seeing her with my dad. But wasn’t an excuse to act like a shit to her. My mom kept saying she doesn’t blame me. Like all you said she was just hoping I would stop being influenced by my dad and reach out on my own time. It was a long time talking. She told me some more stuff about what was going on back then, and how much she missed me. I told her about school my job and my girlfriend. She told me she got married last year, it made me feel bad I wasn’t there but she say if I’m comfortable maybe in the future I can meet her wife and I said ya. I told her I just want us to talk again probably not gonna be how it was before but to start something at least. We did some more crying but when I left I was happy. Lol my girlfriend keeps telling me I was acting like a little kid coming back from Disneyland. Cause the whole ride I was talking nonstop bout everything we talked about . I’m texting my mom now it’s still awkward because it’s like what do we say? We’re gonna meet again this weekend and keep going from there. I’m really happy to finally do this. It’s hard not to feel all guilty even if she keeps saying she doesn’t blame me how things happened. I don’t feel like it shoulda been this easy.
She says there’s nothing to forgive but idk it seem that I don’t deserve it. Probably I’ll start to feel different the more we hang out. Got lots to catch up for. I’m still pissed at my dad for all this and myself too. I wish we didn’t spend years not in eachother’s lives | Primary_Aardvark | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ocj5hx/op_was_horrible_to_his_mom_after_she_came_out_the/ | ocj5hx | 6,443 | 1,437 | [
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2021-07-02T21:04:13 | Y'all, communication is. So. Important. - "My boyfriend left me on read on my birthday." /r/TwoXChromosomes | TwoXChromosomes | ***Original:*** [***My boyfriend left me on read on my birthday.***](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/nsv1vs/my_boyfriend_left_me_on_read_on_my_birthday/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) ***Posted in*** /r/TwoXChromosomes
Today's my 21st birthday and my boyfriend left me on read.
We don't live together. He woke up at 1pm. Didn't really talk much, and then left me on read because he had "things to do". Did not check up on me at all.
I was already feeling shitty because my friends didn't really remember my birthday. It made me feel invisible and unwanted. Naturally, I'd want to talk to my boyfriend. He knew this but did not check up on me.
He said that I was needy when I'm jobless and should find something to do.
Today is a Saturday, and my birthday. I don't think I should have a reason to want to talk to my boyfriend especially when both of us aren't working.
I feel even shittier than before.
Update: I've decided to do the same to him. Leave him on read. It might be permanent, but who knows. He said "it's alright. I lose, you win". Since when was this a competition?
We're supposed to meet up tomorrow but I guess since he's so great at ignoring me, I shouldn't even come.
***Update:*** [***Update: My boyfriend left me on read on my birthday***](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/oa7ngw/update_my_boyfriend_left_me_on_read_on_my_birthday/)***. Posted in*** /r/TwoXChromosomes
I told him that I felt alone on my birthday and I thought that it would be nice to be able to talk to him. Especially since we weren't able to meet up for quite sometime due to work commitments. (You can say we're kind of ldr)
He invited me over to his place the next day, saturday claiming that he'll be able to make things right. Oh btw he knew that I wasn't comfortable with going to his place without his parents around too. I didn't want to seem impolite for coming when his parents aren't around. He respected that. His younger brother texted me that he was excited to see me so I agreed to go to their place.
The next day at their place, i didn't really speak to my boyfriend because I was still upset. I didn't want to let it go easily because he knew that all I wanted for my birthday was to be able to spend time with him properly.
When I entered his house, his mom was carrying a birthday cake and was singing the birthday song along with his younger sister. They prepared a celebration just for me even though I wasn't part of the family. I felt very touched by that.
I thought that was it, but after I was done eating the cake and bonding with his family, he told me that he was going bring me somewhere but we had to cycle.
So far everything turned out well so I followed him.
We ended up at the beach in the end, and he brought me to a specific spot. There was a picnic mat already prepared, pizza and a canvas for us to paint on. There were also gifts from him and his mother.
It made me feel really touched that he'd spent the time to make my birthday really special. Turns out he was just too occupied planning the celebration out for me the day before. So there was that lack of communication at that point.
In the end, we agreed that there were other factors which made us drift apart. He wanted to make sure things go smoothly from now onwards, and I could really see the effort he's put in. When he has the time, he meets me after work. He understands me better now. He really makes the time for me.
He's been constantly respectful towards me and my boundaries. We hugged it out, agreed to be communicate more. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ocjf95/yall_communication_is_so_important_my_boyfriend/ | ocjf95 | 3,588 | 418 | [
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2021-07-03T16:31:26 | Found (F29) hidden folder on husbands (M33) phone with pictures and videos he secretly took of his former secretary (F21) + other stuff + UPDATE | Relationship_Advice | This one can potentially be fake. I can't decide because stranger things have happened in real life to real people.
[ORIGINAL + UPADTES](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ocwvbn/updated_found_f29_hidden_folder_on_husbands_m33/) by u/throwawayyyy2324
Hi everyone, not a native speaker so apologies in advance.
Married since 3 years, in a relationship since over 5 years. After a long academic journey we are both at the start of our careers and being pretty successful doing so. Recently bought our dream house together and simply enjoying the few years we got left to do whatever we like since we’re planing on having kids in a couple of years from now.
Our relationship feels (felt) to me like it’s made to last forever. We’re sharing the same values, same humor, same goals. Also we where both old and experienced enough to tell it’s not just puppy love but or anything like that.
We both share pretty much open phone policy which just came natural (sharing pictures, simple grabbing the next device available to look something up etc).
We both own iPhones and I recently stumbled across the possibility to mask/fade out (sorry, I don’t know the exact term) pictures and they will only appear in special folder.
Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa that caught my attention concerning his phone.
So last Monday, when he went for his swim training, he left his phone at home and I went for it. What I found was beyond every expectation I’ve had. I thought maybe I would find some random porn or even pictures of his ex or something like that. I found pictures and (slow-mo)videos he took in the office over a span of a few weeks of his (now) former secretary. She is a 21 year old pretty attractive girl. He recently got a new job and the pictures started around the time he knew he would quit his old job and therefore probably wouldn’t see her again. The pictures mainly focused on her ass, her legs, her heels. There were also saved profile pictures of hers from social media. Then there was something else which I still can’t or don’t want to believe: one series of pictures shows her ass in a tight dark jeans with some fresh/wet stains of something that looks like sperm on it. (He kinda has a fetish for anything that has to do with girls getting messy with sperm in porn and/or RL).
I felt and feel shocked and can’t think of anything else since I found that Pandora’s box. I did not talk to him about it yet. He’s not suspecting anything even though I could not act around him “normal”. Him asking what’s wrong I told him I don’t feel very well due to my period (which is also true by the way).
So please share your opinion about it. How should I approach this? Should I even approach it? Is this normal behavior? Has anybody experienced something like that?
Thank you for your support.
EDIT: first of all I want to thank you all for caring so much. Regarding your comments I feel the need to add some more context.
He spoke to me about her regularly when he told me from his day at work - she was his personal secretary/assistant. They also talked private stuff but nothing inappropriate. More like small talk (what did you do over the weekend stuff like that). At least he told me so. BUT he always liked trying to make me a little bit jealous. Seemed to be a turn on for him. He tried so by telling me ‚innocent‘ things about other girls that were obviously attractive. Like ‚she has new nails which look way better now‘ or ‚today she dresses a little bit inappropriate for work‘ He always did so with a smile. And of course I knew what was going on and what he was up to. And of course he (in retroperspective) talked about her in that way. Most of the time it did not bother me since I was sure it would be something childish he needs for himself. Most of the time I wouldn’t even react.
He has no social connection to her anymore - not in social media not in real life. The only connection/contact they do still have is their phone numbers. She sometimes has to reach out to him to ask for some work related stuff, since not all of his cases/projects have been finished when he left the job. He openly tells me about that when there was contact. Seems/seemed normal to me. What I don’t know is, where he has the social media pictures from. I looked it up, they are not connected via Instagram or Facebook and her profile is set on private. He doesn’t use any other social media as far as I know. Some of the pictures were WhatsApp-Profile-pics others probably not. That makes me wonder a little bit.
Maybe I should try and hold myself back for a few days and see if the folder is updated regular. What do you guys think? Also I feel the urge to check on his other devices but did resist so far...
EDIT: I’m overwhelmed with your responses. Certainly did not expect so much feedback and so much sympathy. Some responses even brought tears to my eyes...
I’m pretty collect right now although I think it’ll be another sleepless night.
I have a plan. I need to find out since so many of you suspect there is more to it. Tomorrow he will be at work while I’m working from home. All of his devices expect for his phone will be here. I will look at them, I simply have to know. I know this could backfire but I’m being totally egoistic here. He lost his right of privacy the moment he took pictures of this young lady (by the way, I met her a few times when I was visiting him at work and she is a true sweetheart...). I’m getting angry writing this at the moment. I will find out and will save the evidence and confront him.
I will keep you guys updated. Should I keep on editing this post or start a new one? (I really don’t know since I’m pretty much new to this active posting thing).
EDIT/UPDATE:
Good morning everyone.
Right now I’m sitting in front of his computer (MacBook Pro which is connected to his phone). He’s at work an will return in about 4 hours. I have absolutely no clue how and where to search for evidence. I’ve always used windows my whole life. I know some of you might not wanna be a part of this but if anyone could provide some help - e.g. where to find the photostream - that would help me a lot.
For anybody wondering how I’m doing: didn’t sleep a lot, feeling empty at the moment with my heartbeat going very fast. Of course he noticed. He was caring (he always is) and I tried my best acting it’s all due to my period plus migraines.
Thanks for your support.
UPDATE I’m shocked ! Calling my sister now. This is too much to handle for me.
UPDATE: Sorry for letting you guys wait for so long. Now I’m sitting here at my sisters house spending the first night without him for years. It’s about 10 pm here in Europe if you wonder. After one of you guys told me about the photos app on Mac I opened it. It was a mirror of his phone and then some... There is as the hidden folder with all of the spy-pics. Also there was an album by the name of her initials. It was the single most disgusting thing I ever saw: He took pictures and videos of himself ejaculating in prepped food in a Tupperware while obviously being in his office bathroom. A few pics later she was eating her lunch at the office right out of that Tupperware, pictures of him coming into a coffee or on cookies... you can imagine the rest I think. Besides that I found dozens of pics and videos of her from social media which all seem to be screenshots or screenrecordings (i don’t even know if this is word). I have absolutely no idea where he got these from since they are not connected officially on any social media. I already commented that I decided to call my sister who come over immediately. I was in a total state of shock and showed her everything. She was my rescue. She told me to go grab an external harddrive and took a copy of all that shit while I was packing my bags for the next few nights. We left before he got home. His laptop was still open with also the album open when we left. About 2 hours later he tried to call me like a 100 times. My sister took the phone once and told him to stop it in a very explicit manner. He wrote and is writing me messages constantly to come home and took about everything. We could fix this, he needs my help and stuff like that. I didn’t answer. Not a single word. I’m just sitting here crying most of the time and feeling like the biggest idiot of all time for falling to a guy like him. It takes the floor under my feet. It scares me not knowing what comes next, not knowing what to do tomorrow and how to deal with all of that. I also think that I should contact her - it’s too much. I would appreciate your advice here. He is a lawyer, the city we live in is his hometown. His career would be over for sure of this happens to become public. I don’t think he could ever recover. And for myself, I would always be his woman, the poor wife...
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/oe1wz6/updated_found_f29_hidden_folder_on_husbands_m33/)
Hello everyone, I want to keep you guys updated and also ask for your further advise.
I decided to talk to him and give him the opportunity to explain this whole thing from his perspective. Not that I had any hope but a confrontation was unavoidable anyway.
So yesterday on Sunday we met at our house - it is also my house! I told him my sister knew I was here and she would call me in about one hour to confirm I’m ok. I have to mention I had no fear concerning violence or something like that, anyway better safe than sorry.
When I arrived he initially was very reserved and observant. I acted calm and distant. We sat down and he said nothing. So I told him not to waste my time and to say what he had to say. He then asked me what I think I found and I couldn’t help but respond that I found out he was a sexual criminal and that I will report him to the police. That probably was a mistake. His mimic changed and he told me this would be a very bad idea and may result in some serious trouble for me. He claimed he had an affair with his former assistant for quite some time and this whole sperm/food-thing was just a game/bet between them. The bet was he would make her eat his sperm before he left the job. The pictures would be the proof and he already showed her all of them to win the bet. He said it was just a kinky game between them. The other pics of her ass etc were also taken consensual. At least she knew about it. So he told me there was nothing illegal going on and if I would go to the police this would be ‚wrong suspicion‘ performed by me. Also nobody would believe me anyways cause it would clearly be an act of revenge from the betrayed wife. Last but not least he would know the chief prosecutor personally (which is true). So if I went to the police I would only make a fool of myself and also probably commit a crime.
At that moment I couldn’t think straight anymore. I reacted emotionally rather then think rationally. I lost it and told him to go out of the house... it got ugly. The result was, he actually left the house. I had no idea if and when he might come back and also felt very uncomfortable in the house. I then packed a few more things and went back to my sisters house where I’m planning on staying for the week at least. Today I called in sick at work.
Now I’m no fool and of course I see him being a lawyer trying to protect at least his career by claiming it was all consensual. He knows me very well and he knows our relationship was over the moment I found the pictures. I’ve always been very strict and consequent in former relationships and he knows that. On the other hand his claim could be true. I think I’ll contact a lawyer as I need one for divorce anyway.
EDIT: I had to call her. We will meet in about 2 hours in a café next to the office. She seemed surprised but not concerned. For your context: we already met a few times when I was visiting him at the office and casually spoke a few words. So I’m no stranger to her. I will drag some of the photos on my phone to show her. This whole thing feels so unreal but if I wouldn’t do it, the feeling of not knowing and not being able to do something until next week when I meet my lawyer would be to hard to endure.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/oeqrnp/update_found_f29_hidden_folder_on_husbands_m33/)
When she arrived I could already see by her mimics she had no clue what was going on and why I asked her to meet me. This turned out to be true.
First thing I asked her was, if he contacted her within the last couple of days. She denied. I had a feeling she was telling the truth. A 22 year old girl (I asked her for her age) could not have lied to my face this calm and collect, I think.
So I told her I found very inappropriate and disturbing photos of hers on his phone. I showed her some of the spy-pics on my phone and asked her if she knew or noticed about that. She reacted completely irate. The pictures I showed her were ‘normal’ ones so nothing about the really gross part just yet.
I asked her about their relationship and his behavior towards her. She initially said everything was ok and normal and most of the time he used to be very polite. But she added that towards the end of his job he used to approach her very often and talked to her about personal topics such as her relationship-status. One time he made up a fictional scenario where he said he would ask her out if he wasn’t married. When she replied to him she would have said no in that scenario because she would want to separate work from private life he acted offended and talked her into saying yes. I felt ashamed for his behavior and apologized for him.
Then I told her that there would be something else which I needed to inform her about. I told her about the other pictures involving the food. I didn’t plan to show her the pictures but she really really wanted to see them. I showed them to her and she literally nearly threw up. She was in a state of shock. It broke my heart so I sat next to her and took her hand. I told her I’m by her side and will support her whatever she plans on doing. I told her I already left the house and will divorce him. I couldn’t help but started crying seeing what he’s done to that lovely girl. I asked her if she wanted me to accompany her on her way home but she said it was ok, she went by car. She will talk to her family and certainly report him and also file a lawsuit against him. At least that’s what she said. I feel so incredibly sorry for her it breaks my heart. At the same time I feel so angry about him and still hope this is just a nightmare. Hopefully I did the right thing.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/opbtqz/update_found_f29_hidden_folder_on_husbands_m33/)
One day after I met her, she must have gone to the police and reported him. Two days later I received a call from a police officer who asked me to show up at his office and bring the pictures I copied with me. Of course I went there and handed them to him (I still own another copy though). He asked me if I wanted to testify (correct word?), but told me I didn’t have to cause he is my husband. I agreed and told him everything I know, how I found out, how I contacted her… The very next day the police called me again and asked if I was at home. A couple of hours later, four policemen, my husband and a prosecutor showed up at our house. My husband handed them all electronic devices, hard drives, old phones, usb etc. They also searched through our house for hidden ones but, as far as I know, didn’t find any.
My husband told me he was currently living in a hotel room and said he would come back later to get some clothes and other belongings if that was ok. I agreed but told him I wouldn’t be there. He said we need to talk, but he will not pressure me and give me time and space. He said he loves me and the whole thing looks more ugly than it actually is, it just got a little out of hand. To be honest, I would have loved to punch him right in his face and/or scream at him but I couldn’t say a single word which was probably better anyway. On that afternoon he obviously got some stuff out of the house and when I came back, his keys would lie on the table next to a printed e-mail from a craftsman who would come a few days later to repair something with the garage door.
Ever since I’m alone at the house and really nothing has happened.
I gotta be honest here, I cancelled the appointment I originally had with my own lawyer concerning divorce. It’s not that I’m having an illusion everything will eventually turn good. I just don’t feel ready for it. It’s been a little too much for me lately. I will proceed as soon as I find some energy.
That’s about it. He did not contact me, not a single word. Even though I’m in constant contact to my sister I feel pretty lonely and sort of depressed. Also I’m a little scared alone at the house. We’ve had some pretty bad thunderstorms lately at nights.
From what I’ve read in the previous comments there was a discussion about where I’m from - actually put a smile on my face getting so much attention. It’s Germany. So one of you guys just won a Waschmaschine 😄
❤️
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/pxeifs/found_f29_hidden_folder_on_husbands_m33_phone/)
Since my last post from r/relationshipadvice got removed after a few minutes I decided to post my latest - and probably last - update here.
Hello everyone, I’ve received lots of messages asking for updates so I decided to post one.
I know a lot of you guys will be disappointed and that’s ok. It was a very though time, lots of emotions, fights, tears, sleepless nights but eventually he is my husband and I’m his wife - in the good times and in the bad. We are giving it another chance.
I will not explain every detail that lead us to this point but I will say it was not an easy decision to make. We had very good conversations, he really opened up, took care of my feelings and really didn’t pressure me. I know what he did was wrong. Of course he knows that as well. But saying it was all his fault wouldn’t be fair. She is not that innocent girl I thought she was. Of course I blame him for falling for her but she must have made it though for him and in the end he is only human.
I know what victim blaming is but that’s not the case here. Again, I will not go into details, but she knew exactly what she was doing. She knew how he likes womans dresses, shoes, nails etc. She must have been flirty with him from day one which is for almost three years now. I couldn’t even blame a man for getting weak, certainly not for finding another valve. She is not an angel.
Probably most of you guys will now consider me weak and - best case - will tell of he was gaslighting me… feel free to do so, it’s ok. In the end it’s my life, my marriage, my shoes to walk in.
For the criminal proceeding: he reached a deal and paid a fine. The money will be received by charity. There was no court proceedings.
To this point she didn’t sue him, which I think speaks for itself!
Anyways I still love you guys and I’m very thankful for all the support I received. ❤️
EDIT: I feel the need to explain a little bit more on my decision. I married him knowing all of his kinks and fetishizes. I knew the typical pornstar look is his thing: big boobs, big ass, small waist, make up, full lips, fake lashes, fake nails, plastic… you guys know what I’m talking about. Now throw in her fulfilling most of these cliches: big boobs, big ass, small waist, all dolled up, lashes, nails, high heels running in and out of his office, taking care of him always n a good mood, laughing… She is a smart and confident girl. She knew exactly how she was triggering a 30y/o man. She knew he had her WhatsApp - he showed me her profile pictures changing on a weekly basis. Hell, even I think they are sexy. Not saying she deserved what he did, but I now understand that dynamic and what her appearance, having her around all day, did to him and how it must have triggered him. When I was her age, I knew exactly how to manipulate a man sexually. I’m sure most women do, she definitely does. He decided not to cheat on me, not to start an affair. He just chose a wrong exit. He could and should have talked to me. That was the mistake he made cause together we would have found a way. I’m not prude, not religious and I don’t hate other women, but women shouldn’t act surprised they force a reaction in men looking like a pornstar. In my experience, men around the age of 30 are nothing deferent than a 15 year old boy in the middle of puberty. That combination was toxic.
TL;DR I gave him another chance, she’s not an angel | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/od1cy4/found_f29_hidden_folder_on_husbands_m33_phone/ | od1cy4 | 20,703 | 686 | [
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2021-07-03T22:57:52 | Everything about this hurts my heart. - "My husband is not bonding with our 5 week old son and I'm not sure what to do." /r/TwoXChromosomes | TwoXChromosomes | ***Original:*** [***My husband is not bonding with our 5 week old son and I'm not sure what to do.***](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/9ryqul/my_husband_is_not_bonding_with_our_5_week_old_son/) ***Posted in*** /r/TwoXChromosomes
Like the title says. My husband has yet to hold our son. He won't call him by his name, he always refers to him as "the baby" and he won't do anything to help take care of him.
On Tuesday my husband moved into the camper to get "quiet time" as he calls it. I've seen him for maybe 10 minutes since Tuesday.
Up until our son was born we had a great marriage. I don't know what to do.
***Update #1:*** [***UPDATE: My husband is not bonding with our 5 week old son.***](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/9s563m/update_my_husband_is_not_bonding_with_our_5_week/) ***Posted in*** /r/TwoXChromosomes
Last night I called the firestation and talked to a firefighter about my husbands strange behavior since our son was born. With my husbands history of head trauma, he was a boxer from 12 to 28, I was concerned. They sent an ambulance.
The paramedics evaluated him and told me something wasn't right. They decided to take him to the hospital. We've been there all night while my husband was getting scanned and tested. They did all kinds of tests involving memory, they used flashcards, and mental quizzes and puzzles.
I'm in shock as to how bad my husband's mental state is. It's embarrassing I didn't notice how far he had declined. Maybe I didn't want to notice? Maybe it was a conscious decision?
I watched him struggle name his hometown. He had lived there the first 22 years of his life. He couldn't do it. Mother's name, father's name. He struggled with answering the most basic questions.
I had noticed in recent years he talked about the past less and less. He rarely tells stories about his past anymore. I didn't know that it was because he, basically, doesn't have a past anymore. All those pictures around the house hold no real meaning for him. He doesn't remember our first kiss, when he proposed to me, or very much about our wedding. He knows these things happened, but the specifics of those events are lost to him.
A psychiatrist met with him, but she wasn't very helpful. She kept asking him about suicide. My husband isn't suicidal. She asked him misleading questions like she was trying to trick him into being suicidal. When I brought up how my husband hasn't bonded with our son she waved me off and told me she had rounds.
The neurologist is awesome. He really cares.
My husband's boss and some coworkers came this morning. They were more honest with me today than I think nthey have been in a long time. My husband hasn't been a trainer in 2 years. He used to go and get trained on all thye new JD technology and then train the other techs. It got to the point he couldn't do it anymore. He also has notebooks filled with notes and procedures he should know by heart. They're like his crutches so he can do his job. He rarely goes on field calls alone anymore, he usually takes someone with him.
I met with a counselor that the neurology department employs to help patient's families deal with the fallout. She told me to prepare to take on more and more of the responsibilities around the house. It's a worry because my husband is the bread winner and I can't replace his income on my skills and education. She explained that patients with the trauma my husband has exist on routine. When something disrupts that routine, like a new baby, they often can't cope.
My husband is staying for a few more days. Tomorrow he meets with a different psychiatrist and then is being transferred to a more advanced neurology center 3 hours away. With a little luck I'll have a more definitive care plan and have him home by Wednesday or Thursday.
Take care of your brain, kids.
***Update #2:*** [***Another update on my husband's battle with CTE.***](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/9udn6t/another_update_on_my_husbands_battle_with_cte/) ***Posted in*** /r/TwoXChromosomes
It’s been a long and difficult week. My husband went to the city to the major neurological center on Monday and they confirmed his diagnosis of CTE. He was there until Wednesday and then he came home. We worked with a counselor there and my husband held his son for the first time. He had this kind of bewildered look on his face. Then he teared up and said “This is all I ever wanted and I can’t even enjoy it.” That broke my heart, I had to leave the room for a while.
Brain injuries are tricky. The neurologists said the best case is my husband doesn’t deteriorate any more than he is. When I asked about the worst case they told me to be prepared to put him in assisted living. That’s something you never want to hear. This whole journey is a rollercoaster.
We’re working with a counselor through a church in the area to try and develop some coping strategies. The Biblical Counseling is a ministry supported by tithing, so it doesn’t cost us anything. We have a standing appointment Fridays at 4.
With my husband’s injury he can function well on a routine. Babies don’t do routine. At 5am my husband gets up, then he goes for a 6-mile run, then calisthenics, shower, shave, brush teeth, breakfast and then he starts his day. If his routine is disrupted he can’t recover and adjust. Our dog adjusted to my husband’s routine. At 5am she’s ready to go for a run. Babies don’t do schedules.
It’s hard not to get discouraged. I see my husband struggle so hard to adapt. It hurts him that he can’t learn the new tasks quickly. I’m patient and supportive, but he still gets frustrated. Like packing the diaper bag. He knows that we need stuff, he just can’t do it without a checklist. Screw it, I’m making checklists. The nurse said it’s important to try and make things as normal as possible. Watching a 35-year-old man not be able to figure out how many diapers to take on a trip to Walmart is heartbreaking. I made checklists for everything. If it’s something that he does all the time he’s better, it’s learning new things that are hard.
For the past couple of years, in hindsight, it’s baffling I didn’t notice. All I can say is I must have fallen into the comfortable routines with him. I didn’t question anything. If I asked him to do something and he refused I just did it myself. It never occurred to me that maybe he wants to go out to eat breakfast because making breakfast causes him anxiety he’d rather not deal with. Go ahead and nominate me for wife of the year, although I’ll probably be runner up to Lorena Bobbit.
The owner of the dealership took us and the service manager out to dinner on Saturday to come up with a plan for keeping my husband earning. The owner is kind of old fashioned and is adamantly opposed to seeing a young man like my husband depend on handouts to feed his family. Thank God. They’re going to assign a junior tech to work with my husband fulltime. He’ll be there on every job helping my husband out. The dealership also has a bunch of old equipment on the lot that they can’t sell. It’s mostly scrap. They’re going to clear out the lot in an auction and whatever money is made will go to us to help pay for medical bills. The general manager is also checking with John Deere corporate to see if they have any assistance programs a dealer tech would qualify for. I think there’s a foundation or something. They’re also giving my husband a 40-hour check for last week and not docking his PTO.
My husband agreed to let me take over the finances. I don’t think we’re behind on anything, and our credit is good, so it should be pretty easy. Paying the bills and balancing a checkbook has been a real burden on him. It explains why he stopped letting me have access to the bank account a while back. He told me to just charge everything to the credit card and he’d take care of it. Another gigantic red flag I missed.
Looking back there are so many red flags I missed. I feel like an idiot. Shit, I used to tease him about forgetting stuff. I made jokes about him being a “punch drunk old boxer.” I feel awful. I feel about 2 inches tall. I can’t imagine how bad I embarrassed him over the years. If I live to be 2,000 years old I’ll never be able to make it up to him.
The baby is doing great and we’re taking things one day at a time. Now that I’m not so oblivious it’s getting easier to take care of husband and baby. My parents left on Sunday and his dad flies home tomorrow. Then it’s just us again. It was great having help for a little while.
It’s too bad we live in such a rural area. The neurology center in the city has outpatient programs that would help. It’s 6 hours roundtrip. It’s just too much to make the trip 3 times a week. We’re kind of stuck where we’re at. I doubt my husband could get hired anywhere else at this point. We’re going to keep a monthly appointment at the neurology center for monitoring. It’s the best we can do. It’s not like TV where people can effortlessly uproot their lives to do what’s best. In the real world you sometimes have to take the worse option.
We meet with a lawyer from our church on Wednesday to set up some documentation so I can handle the finances and make medical decisions. I think it’s called a power of attorney. He’s going to get us all set up for the price of one of my homemade apple pies.
Thank you all for your support. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/od89yj/everything_about_this_hurts_my_heart_my_husband/ | od89yj | 9,414 | 958 | [
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2021-07-04T01:07:12 | OP's roommate and coworker steals and wears her intimate clothing, caught on camera | AITA | Originally posted [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nzarvy/wibta_for_making_my_roommate_pay_to_replace_my/) by u/CaveIsClosed.
**WIBTA for making my roommate pay to replace my panties?**
Mobile user, so I apologize for formatting. The names in this have been changed.
Earlier this year, one of my friends \[29m we’ll call him Taylor\], moved in with my boyfriend \[25m, we’ll call him Charlie\] and me \[23f\]. Taylor and I work together and became really close friends. I introduced him to my boyfriend, and now the 3 of us are friends. However, I am closer to Taylor than my boyfriend is because Taylor and I have bonded over similar traumatic experiences.
The other day, Charlie and I left for a little weekend trip. Taylor agreed to take care of our dog while we were away, which we were happy about. Charlie and I have a security camera in our bedroom. This camera is aimed at the bedroom door and bathroom door (we have a bathroom attached to our room). Minutes after we left, we got a notification that there was motion in our room. We checked the cameras and saw Taylor just standing in our room. Over the next 30 minutes, he went in and out of our room about 7 times. It’s important to note that up until this point we have sincerely valued privacy. We never go in his room unless he states it’s okay, and vise versa. So we were surprised to see him just walking in on his own.
The 8th time he went into our room we saw him go over to my dresser and dig through my panty drawer. He picked out a pair of panties, pulled down his boxers and pants, put my panties on, and then put his boxers and pants back on over it. A few minutes later he returned wearing one of my tank tops when he noticed the camera. He slowly backed out of the room. But then he returned later and continued digging through my panty drawer. He returned multiple times later to dig through my panties. All of this is recorded and saved on video.
Seeing how he invaded our privacy and wore my underwear made me feel sick and needs to be addressed. We don’t want to make Taylor feel ashamed for cross-dressing, but what he did with MY clothing was disgusting.
I know as soon as we get back home I’m going to throw away all my underwear and Charlie is going to install a deadbolt on our bedroom door. We don’t feel comfortable confronting him about it until we return home and are able to deadbolt our door.
Would I be the asshole if I made him pay to replace all my underwear AND pay for the hardware for our bedroom deadbolt? The only reason I need those things now is because he invaded my privacy.
Edit for clarification: Taylor is better friends with me than he is with Charlie. Between the two guys, I am obviously closer to my boyfriend. I do NOT prefer Taylor over my boyfriend, Charlie
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/od6d6i/update_wibta_for_making_my_roommate_pay_to/)
Still on mobile, so again I apologize for the formatting. Also, thank you for all the advice and support. You guys really helped me make an informed decision.
I left out some details intentionally because thinking about it and making it public was just too disturbing and I was in denial. Taylor also went in my nightstand to look at and handle my adult toys and he dug through my hamper to presumably look for used underwear.
Now onto the update. Taylor denied everything. Despite the fact that we had it all on video, he tried to make up different reasons why he was in there, tried to downplay it, said he only came in to look around, and then said he doesn’t remember ever entering our room. We told him he could either move out, go to therapy, or we could move out and he would have to find new roommates. He basically told us “no”. He said we had no authority to kick him out and that “blackmailing” him with the videos was illegal. Unfortunately, he was on our lease so there wasn’t much we could do without taking legal action. So we got to work.
We started looking for a new place to live, started looking for a lawyer, filed a police report, and made plans to file for a restraining order. But every single day I was constantly anxious at work and fearful in my own home because it was clear that he had absolutely no remorse. After about a week with no sleep and constant fear, I finally spoke to my boss about the situation. My concerns were taken seriously and they immediately began taking steps to help me. I showed them the videos and they agreed that his actions were completely unacceptable and, due to the nature of our work, he is considered a liability and a danger to other employees. They made sure I was in a safe place before they suspended him while they investigated him.
During his suspension, I met with my bosses where and they continued to support me and ensure my safety. They also made plans to terminate him as he also had multiple negative performance reports. So this whole deal was the nail in his coffin. However, Taylor quit before they had the chance to fire him. The day after he quit, he got all his crap out of the apartment and signed documents removing himself from the lease. He has not attempted to contact me since.
This whole situation has been extremely emotionally draining. It has caused a lot of painful memories and emotions to resurface. Looking back on our friendship now, I can recall multiple red flags in which he crossed clear personal boundaries I set. I can’t believe he was ever someone I trusted and loved like a big brother.
But for now, he is out of our lives and I am relieved. I’m still living with my parents, but I plan on moving back as soon as the apartment locks get changed. That’s all I’ve got for now. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/odaak6/ops_roommate_and_coworker_steals_and_wears_her/ | odaak6 | 5,697 | 374 | [
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2021-07-04T16:43:06 | After worrying for months that her husband is being distant and has stopped having sex with her, OP finds out he's having an affair with her close friend. | Relationships | *This is a repost; I am not the OP. [The original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/i7wkqu/i_30f_caught_my_husband_31m_in_an_affair_and_i/) is by /u/Ohwhoaeskimo.*
I’ve suspected things had been going on for a while, but kept brushing it off—I thought he would never do that to me. Since around April, he’s been refusing my attempts to have sex most of the time, sitting differently on the couch to where he’s facing away from me... little things.
It’s with one of our good friends. She came to my house a few weeks ago. She’s texted me. She’s pretended to be there for me.
I found out because I rolled over and they were having a Snapchat conversation. She said she wished she could be there to hold him and he summarized that I tried to seduce him last night and mocked it. I confronted him and he admitted it. He said that it was because quarantine was stressful. He does not want to work things out. He thinks of me “only as a friend in his heart.”
When I told her husband, he confronted her and apparently they actually kissed back in February. I think at that moment, I was never going to be enough for him.
We used to be so so so happy. The week before they kissed, we celebrated Valentine’s Day together. He bought us a nice bottle of wine for our anniversary. We had fun, we were perfect.
I don’t know where to go from here. We’ve been married only about a year. I feel like he took so much from me and doesn’t even want to go to therapy or work this out. I don’t want to leave my house but everywhere in it I see him. He chose her. I’ve been cheated in every relationship I’ve ever been in. He was supposed to be my forever.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve made therapy appointments but I was also laid off last month, so I have too much free time to analyze every single moment where he might have been lying to me or where I made myself pathetic trying to cling to him.
How do I start to get through this?
TLDR; My husband had an affair and does not want to try to work out our marriage. I feel like I’m drowning and don’t know how to start moving on.
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/kqkj9c/update_i_30f_caught_my_husband_31m_in_an_affair/)
First of all, I just want to thank everyone here for the support I received following my first post back in August. At the time, it truly felt like my world was ending. It was important to me to make this update because I need to tell anyone who’s currently going through the same thing—IT GETS BETTER. You will get so much better.
I had one conversation with my husband since everything happened—by his choice. It lasted maybe five minutes and was like talking to a robot. I know from others that he cries to people about how he ruined his life, but I have never once gotten an apology or the same show of regret. At this point, I don’t care. I know him and the other woman are still seeing each other and frankly, they deserve each other. Good for them.
While I still feel angry occasionally, I no longer mourn what I once had. Instead, I’m so excited for the life I now get to live. I moved to a small walkable city and gave myself my dream apartment. It makes me so happy to see how I’ve decorated it and to just live in a cozy place instead of our old dreary house. I was the breadwinner in our marriage, and he would make me feel awful about wanting to pay for nice meals or do fun things. Since moving here, I’ve done a ton of foodie fun stuff and don’t feel guilty. It’s so refreshing.
I have dipped my toe into the dating pool again and had plenty of mediocre dates from dating apps. Recently, I found someone who I’ve really clicked with and am enjoying how appreciated and desired he’s made me feel. It’s definitely early and we’re moving slow, but overall, dating has made me realize that I’m a catch who doesn’t have to settle.
Therapy has done wonders and I’m so happy I immediately dove into it. My therapist is proud of me. I’m proud of me. I’ve stopped looking at being divorced as a failure. He failed—not me. I’m genuinely happy and excited to wake up each morning and no longer feel like this terrible weight is sitting on my chest. The holidays were surprisingly easy and I found myself so happy to spend time with my family without having to compromise anything.
So all in all, life is good and there’s so much of it ahead. Looking back, I can’t believe I wasted so much time thinking about how I could get him to come home. I’ve made my own home and my own happiness and that is worth so so much more.
TLDR; Husband left me for another woman. He sucks, but things get better.
---
[**NEWEST UPDATE**: post from OP in r/casualconversations](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/comments/nxtn8v/i_was_always_worth_the_effort/)
I keep hearing about emotional labor lately and wanted to share my own story. If you glance at all at my post history, you’ll see that I recently had my marriage end when my ex-husband left me for another woman. (I’m doing awesome now, but it was rough for a bit.) Even before that though, there were so many signs, and one today just stood out to me.
Back in late 2019, I was planning our honeymoon. He picked the place and he picked the timeframe—he didn’t negotiate either of those. It was just what we were going to do. But I was responsible for the planning. I was looking at flights and leaving on a Friday vs. Saturday was a huge price difference—I’m talking like $1600 vs. $4300 for long-haul international flights. I asked if he could take off work on that Friday. He had vacation days, it was a very slow time, the culture of his workplace allowed it.
Well, he told me that in no way could that ever work. He wouldn’t ask for the day off, he knew it would look bad, etc. Eventually, I suggested two separated flights to save 3 grand and use it on the honeymoon. He yelled at me and told me to just cancel the whole thing.
It wasn’t until after I started crying that he told me he actually had that Friday off. He’d already asked. It had been granted. He just wanted to see if I could book us later.
Today, I asked a guy who I’m not even actually dating if he wanted to come with me on a trip that would be on a Friday. I can’t even express how nervous I was to ask him to take time off of work, knowing what an inconvenience I was being. Turns out though… I’m not. He responded immediately saying he might have to work during the day and he’d be there. Then he let me know that he found and booked a flight. I didn’t even have to bug him about it. He took the incentive. He wanted to do it. It was so easy.
Look, I know the bar is low, but isn’t this how it should be? | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/odo4v3/after_worrying_for_months_that_her_husband_is/ | odo4v3 | 6,662 | 1,468 | [
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2021-07-05T01:23:54 | God some people are so entitled - "My bridesmaid is blanking me after I told her she couldn't wear a suit. Am I in the wrong?" /r/weddingadvice | WeddingAdvice | ***Original:*** [***My bridesmaid is blanking me after I told her she couldn't wear a suit. Am I in the wrong?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/5kyck2/rant_my_bridesmaid_is_blanking_me_after_i_told/?st=J052RJSM&sh=4397ea63) ***Posted in*** /r/weddingadvice
Looking for some brides opinions on bridesmaid outfits and whether my bridesmaid is right to blank me?
I've decided that my bridesmaids can wear whatever dress they like at my wedding, as long as it's navy blue. I thought this was the best way to make sure people are comfortable on the day and to gift them with something they can wear again.
Two have chosen some lovely navy dresses, but last night one of my bridesmaids sent me a photo of a suit. It's a lovely suit, but very tailored and looks similar to what the groom and groomsmen will be wearing. She has worn a dress before and so it's not like I'm forcing her to wear something she wouldn't, but I really don't want her to wear the suit.
When she first mentioned wearing trousers she said they would be flared or wide leg/floaty and with a fitted top. I thought this was a great take on a dress and something she'd be comfortable in. For the last month we've been looking for something for her to wear.
This evening I had a load of messages from her showing me a tailored jacket and trousers, and after sleeping on it and discussing with my FH I said that although it's a lovely suit it's not a bridesmaid dress, and looks similar to what the groomsmen will be wearing. She hasn't replied but I can see she's seen the message. A little later I checked on her, asked if she was ok and asked whether she wanted to chat about it. Again she's read it and ignored me.
I'm beginning to feel really guilty asking her to wear something less like a fitted suit, and feel like she's blanking me so that I give in. Am I right to ask her to wear something else that I would help her find and pay for? It's not like I'm asking her to wear a bright pink dress and she still has some freedom to choose what she wears.
TL;DR one of my bridesmaids wants to wear a suit instead of a dress. She wears dresses and I'd really like her to wear one, but after saying no to the suit she's blanking me. Am I wrong to ask her to wear something else?
***Update:*** [***\[UPDATE\] \[Rant\] My bridesmaid is blanking me after I told her she couldn't wear a suit. Am I in the wrong?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/62gsq8/update_rant_my_bridesmaid_is_blanking_me_after_i/) ***Posted in*** /r/weddingadvice
I had a lot of responses from my first post. The basic summary was that I asked my friend of 10 years to be a bridesmaid. I said to find a navy dress that I'd pay for and we found a few together. She then sends me a photo of a tailored navy suit saying she wants to stand out against the other bridesmaids. I said no to the suit and she blanked me. It's been 3 months.
From what everyone said, I knew that it was ok for me to ask her to wear a dress because she wears dresses all the time and I was paying for it for my wedding. She works in fashion and so not only does she have a very unusual dress sense, which we embraced when choosing dresses together, she clearly wanted to make a statement at the wedding and wasn't happy that I took it down a notch by saying no. As someone commented, my wedding was not the time or place for a bridesmaid to stand out against anyone. The issue then became her ignoring me, so I couldn't get a response as to whether she even wanted to be a bridesmaid anymore.
It had been nearly 2 months and I hadn't heard a peep from her. Her social channels were updated often, so I knew she was ok. She hadn't responded to my MOH about the bachelorette party, so at this point it felt as though she was distancing herself from the entire wedding planning and fun. This is someone I was a bridesmaid for and wore a bright orange dress at her request, so I'd really been looking forward to doing all this with her.
The biggest issue was the blanking. She was ignoring me over a suit and I began to realise that she was punishing me so that I would give in and say she could wear the suit. Unfortunately I wasn't quite up for taking all this crap so really assessed how our friendship had fallen apart because she didn't make an effort anymore.
A bit of background, I was diagnosed with cancer over a year ago and have recently finished all my treatment and had all my tests come back negative (yay!). She didn't even break her silence to ask me how I am, or to show her support and, it might sound petty, but didn't even like my Facebook posts about my health. I realised that I can't have been that important to her if she was holding strong ignoring me until I said yes to her wearing a suit. After going from wanting her to be a bridesmaid, to being invited but not a bridesmaid, to being an evening guest, I settled on not wanting her to come. Her behaviour was the last shred of the last straw and I put myself out of the stress and misery and sent her a message saying:
"I never expected this silence from you over something as trivial as an outfit. Being a bridesmaid is meant to be an honour and you've completely disconnected yourself from the entire process. You've ignored me like this before without telling me why and it's just not what I want from a friend, especially after the year I've had. It's not worth the emotional struggle or stress. I think we've grown apart and we're not friends like we used to be. This has been really selfish of you and I think it's best if you don't come to the wedding."
Cue her suddenly replying saying I was overreacting. She called me and I knew I had to pick up because she was finally making an effort.
Weddit, I really wish she wasn't talking to me for any other reason than because I said no to the suit. Nope. She fully admitted that she wasn't talking to me because I'd said no, so she ignored all my messages. I told her how ridiculous, childish and selfish that is and told her I just don't think she should come to the wedding if that's how she's going to act. "Oh...kay " she said, as if I was being unreasonable. She didn't say anything else, so after 30 seconds of more silence, I hung up.
I'd like to say the story doesn't end there, but it really does. She spent about 10 minutes sending low effort texts about how she didn't appreciate being talked down to, then why she was upset (she spent £400 on a suit she apparently can't ever wear), then how she would wear what I want, and that was it. Some of you might think that she's just bad at sharing how she feels, but she's not that type of person. It felt like she had checked out of the friendship and didn't think I was worth the effort after that. This was her version of an apology and I'd just had enough after the blanking - it was a rubbish apology.
I recently spoke to one of her friends who didn't know we had fallen out. She told me that she wasn't surprised and that it's not the first time she's used the silent treatment when she doesn't get her way. Apparently since she moved away there has been a lot less drama in her old social group and there's a lot less stress.
The good news is my life is no different without her, and the stress has definitely gone down a notch! It also meant I could ask my goddaughter to be in the bridal party, so a little girl in a dress will be going down my aisle instead of a bad friend in a suit.
My Weddit lesson? Weddings bring out the worst in people, and you can start seeing their true colours. Anyone that isn't happy as long as they see you married shouldn't see you married. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/odx5rm/god_some_people_are_so_entitled_my_bridesmaid_is/ | odx5rm | 7,634 | 883 | [
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2021-07-05T02:52:46 | Update: AITA For Shaving My Head?+Update CW - Tissues required | AITA | *This is a repost; I am not the OP.* [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lxk14q/aita_for_shaving_my_head/) *is by* u/NiccoloOMalley. 4 months ago
My youngest sister, Iris, (11) was diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma around two months ago. She started chemotherapy five days after she was diagnosed and started losing her hair in clumps a bit over a week after she started treatment. She was understandably really upset about this, and was getting sick of seeing her hair come out. The other day, she came to me in tears, pissed off about the hair coming out on her pillow and in her brush, and asked me to shave her head. I obviously said yes after getting permission from our parents. While I was shaving her hair off, I decided that I was going to shave my head, too. There’s not really much that I can do for her in this situation, so I just wanted her to know she doesn’t have to go through this alone. It honestly was kind of a split-second decision, but as soon as I finished shaving her head, I shaved mine. My mom was not happy about this. She said that it’s sweet, but stupid. As background for this next part, Iris isn’t my biological sister. My family’s in the process of adopting her, but we’ve been her foster family since she was 4. My mom’s side of the family is Hispanic, so Iris, being a redhead, definitely doesn’t look like she’s related to me. My mom said people will think it’s weird, and people who don’t know us will think I just shaved my head for ‘some blanquita’ (little white), and that she’s not really my sister, we don’t know if the adoption will fall through, etc. This made me upset. I don’t care about blood relations, I’m Iris’s big brother, and nothing’s ever gonna change that (if anyone tries to change it, there’ll be hell to pay). I’m also in theatre, and plan on continuing it into theatre, and she said that no one’s gonna cast me like this. Iris overhead this and is extremely upset because she thinks she got my in trouble. I just wanna make sure it’s not my fault that my sister and mom are upset, or if it’s my mom’s fault and if she was overreacting. So, AITA?
# [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/odslzp/update_aita_for_shaving_my_head/)
I first want to thank everyone for the direct messages and comments supporting and spreading love to Iris.
As many suggested, I spoke with my mother about her reaction as well as my actions. She told me not to apologize, and instead, apologized to me. She told me she reacted from a place of stress and shock. My family was under a lot a stress between Iris’s diagnosis, the adoption process, and the other anxieties that come from myself and my other siblings. My mom also explained this to Iris, and told her that she didn’t cause me to get into trouble, and she shouldn’t feel bad or pin any blame on herself. This conversation really took a lot of guilt off of everyone involved.
Iris was officially adopted by our family on March 30, 2021. However, the bliss that came with this adoption was short-lived, as Iris’s cancer began to progress aggressively and rapidly. Iris Ophelia O’Malley passed away on June 27, 2021. As much as I wish the news I could deliver in this update could be better, unfortunately, that is not always how life works out. Iris’s death was, sudden, heartbreaking, and untimely. Death has no sense or sympathy. Words will never be able to adequately summarize how deeply I miss my baby sister. This is the kind of loss one simply can never recover from. Thank you for the support y’all have shown to Iris and our family. La volonta di Dio. | terrip_t1 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/odye0e/update_aita_for_shaving_my_headupdate_cw_tissues/ | odye0e | 3,610 | 403 | [
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2021-07-05T17:08:01 | WIBTA for throwing every wrestling match I am forced to attend + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/obhgc0/wibta_for_throwing_every_wrestling_match_i_am/) by u/No_Grand_4260
My (15M) school has recently restarted all of the sport programs after almost a year of no/limited activity. Before that I was part of the swim team, one of the smaller groups at our school. I love swimming and it really sucked that we couldn't go for such a long time.
With the restart, the school also made a new system. Every student writes down 3 different afterschool activities in order of interest (so 1. choice is your favorite, 2. your second favorite and so on). The teachers in charge of the groups then pick the students. First pick is students who already belonged to the groups before lookdown, second pick is then random and third pick is if there are still places left open in the group.
Since I was part of the swim team before and put it down as my first choice I would basically be guaranteed to get in. But now the results are out and I was placed in wrestling! I never even put that on my list at all, so I went to the teacher and asked whats going on. Turns out the teacher in charge of wrestling specifically requested me for whatever reason...
Turns out my dad knows the wrestling teacher quite well and asked for me to be placed on the team. I know my dad hates that I prefer swimming, he always says its not a real sport and that I should do some sport that actually gives me muscles. He constantly tells me I'm too skinny for a guy and has made several attempts to make me go to the gym to work out.
I asked the teachers if I can still switch teams but they say no. I also can not just avoid the wrestling club because afterschool activities are mandatory.
So last night I had a huge fight with my dad, I called him an ass for forcing me to go to wrestling and that I will just forfeit every single match I have to attend. He threatend me, saying if I do that he will take away all my electronics and I will only be allowed to leave the house for school and nothing else.
My mom says I should have the right to choose whatever sport I want, but now that I'm on the wrestling team I should still do my best. Also not to call my dad an ass...
But I don't want to participate in something I have zero interest in, was forced into even! Also I was really looking forward to swimming again and meeting my team mates...
EDIT: Thanks so far for the support. Next week I will talk to more teachers, guidance teacher and also write to the principal. Guess I will also try to talk with my mom again and maybe convince her (also will mention what some people wrote that wrestling could potentially dangerous maybe that will convince her). Worst case I will go through with it and just put in zero effort, if no one listens to me.
EDIT2: So this has gotten a lot more responses than I thought. First of all, thanks to everyone supporting me. I talked to my mom again, without my dad nearby. She still thinks I should give wrestling a try but if I really want to change she will support me. So next week I will go and talk first to my swim coach and the wrestling coach and hopefully get it resolved, otherwise I will go further to the principal. I can post an update next week and tell you guys how things worked out.
Some of you suggested I should go to the newspaper or something, but I really do not feel comfortable blowing things up like that. Slandering the school is gonna backfire like 100%.
I have also gotten a lot of creative things instead of just throwing the match. I do would like to show my face in public sometime so no, I will ignore most of the really weird suggestions. Thanks I guess?
I also got a few question about the rule of afternoon activites being mandatory. So we have to do activities for 2 years total but we are free to choose when we do them during highschool. We can choose between a lot of club activities offered by the school not just sports but all kind of activities (music, art, reading / writing clubs, gardening or even game design). School club activities are always free and if you require financial assisstant for like an instrument or so, I think you can also get financial aid. But I don't really know the details. Additionally, if we attend a club or regular activity outside of school we can also get credits for that, just need work it out with the teachers. We also don't get grades or something, it is just noted on our final report. I also do not really know what happens if you don't complete them.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oeao7l/update_wibta_for_throwing_every_wrestling_match_i/)
So I wanted to write an update after the situation has been resolved.
First things first: I am back on the swim team. For now.
Today was a really weird and awkward day. First opportunity I went to talk to my swim coach and explain the whole situation and that I'm not willing to stay on the wrestling team. He was pretty mad at my dad as well as the wrestling coach, so he took me to the secretary, explained the whole thing and asked her to change the list. She was in turn quite mad, because apparently the whole system is a big mess. I'm not even remotely the only student who was misplaced.
So then the secretary called in my homeroom teacher. There was a lot of accusation. I was just standing there feeling awkward. Really weird to see three adults being mad at each other.
In the end, I was basically told by all three to just ignore the whole thing and that I can just join the swim team if I want to. I figured that was it, until the end of school day then the wrestling coach had me come to his office. He gave me a long talk about how disappointed he is, how he had high hopes for me bla bla bla. I told him I really don't care and that he was a jerk for just ignoring what I want to do.
To sum up: Wrestling coach mad at me, homeroom teacher mad at me for complaining, swimming coach mad at school and my dad is probably gonna freak out when he hears that I won't wrestle. Oh well...
Lastly I want to thank all the people that encouraged me to stand up for myself. You had a lot of good advice. And some really weird advice. And some really terrible but funny advice. Thank you all!
Small Update: Mom told dad about the switch as he came home from work. He has so far completely ignored me, not a single word. Actually a nice outcome, I guess.
Last update: I wanted to add a last point here. Last night, I had a talk with my dad and my mom. It was... awkward. Dad apologized for the wrestling thing but also said he wants me to grow up strong so that I can defend myself. He says swimming won't help me when I get in trouble. I was really confused about that because I never have been bullied or gotten in trouble or something like that. Mom later told me that my dad used to get bullied a lot in highschool, so he started working out in college and that helped him a lot. I guess he wanted me to do the same. It's really weird at home at the moment, but I guess he is not a complete ass? Still kinda but I don't know... | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oebnqs/wibta_for_throwing_every_wrestling_match_i_am/ | oebnqs | 7,080 | 995 | [
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2021-07-05T18:27:18 | Husband (32M) is found with explicit snaps by Wife (26F). Unsurprisingly lies and then attacks when confronted. | Relationships | Originally by [u/thisgirlisonawire](https://www.reddit.com/user/thisgirlisonawire/).
Some really great advice from the OP's dad at the end.
original post: [https://reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4z9cgn/i\_26f\_opened\_my\_husbands\_32m\_snapchat\_and\_it\_was/?ref=search\_posts](https://m.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4z9cgn/i_26f_opened_my_husbands_32m_snapchat_and_it_was/?ref=search_posts)
**I \[26f\] opened my husband's \[32m\] snapchat and it was a very explicit picture and caption from a girl. He's sitting not 20 feet from me & I don't know how to handle this.**
Well, title kind of says it all. Throwaway because my husband is active on Reddit. He's probably on it now.
Here goes: I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 1.5. I've never *once* doubted his fidelity. He's great. Super smart, funny, handsome, and, I **thought**, loyal. He's never given me reason to doubt him or be suspicious.
I thought it was kind of odd when he downloaded snapchat; he's not big on social media. I have one, but I'm not very active. We rarely snap each other. He said his friends were really active and he liked it better than Facebook, so. As I said, I've never had any reason not to trust him. So I thought nothing of it.
This morning, my husband was in the shower and left his phone on *my* nightstand. I was half-asleep when his phone started chirping and woke me up. We both have the same phone and ringtone for text messages. Not knowing that he had put his phone on my nightstand for whatever reason, I thought it was my phone in my half-asleep state. Despite his black phone case (mine is green), I didn't even notice and I looked at who had texted. It said "Mom". Okay, my mom texted me, I can ignore that until I'm actually awake. But under that was a Snapchat notification. A snap from someone named "Roxy". I was like who the f is Roxy and why is she snap chatting me? I opened it and bam- it's a picture of a pussy. And not the meowing kind with four legs and a tail. The caption said "I want your tongue inside me again".
Now. I immediately thought it was a mistake. But I was alert now after being awoken by a vulva. I pretty quickly realized that this was my husband's phone. I felt like I was going to crap the bed and started to sweat. I looked at his contacts on snapchat and she has a yellow heart next to her name. I looked up wtf that means and it means they are "best friends". **WTF**.
I feel like I'm going to be sick. I didn't do any other snooping because honestly, I know what I'll find. I just don't understand how he could do this. We're happy. I thought we were happy. We have sex *at least* four times a week.
Here's the real kicker, Reddit. I'm almost 12 weeks pregnant with our first child.
He's sitting in the recliner about 20 feet from me and I just can't find the words to confront him. How do I say what I need to say?? There is **no** way I am somehow overreacting or misreading this situation, is there? I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do.
**tl;dr** Accidentally opened my husband's snapchat only to be greeted with a snap of some girl's vagina. I'm nearly 12 weeks pregnant and just can't wrap my head around this. Don't know how to handle this or confront him.
**Update:** First and foremost, thank you all for your love and support. I feel it from here. Honestly, thank you- it's amazing to me that strangers care so much about my baby & me. Love back to all of you. So, husband knows something is up. I don't know if he saw that I opened a snapchat from Roxy and is afraid of what I saw and afraid to bring it up or if he's clueless and can just tell I'm upset about something. He's been asking me if I'm okay or if something is wrong about every hour. I told him my sister was having a hard time today (ironically, she just broke up with her boyfriend. Why? He cheated.) and I was going to go over to her place for dinner (I live in pacific time zone) and to spend the night with her. I'm here now. My sister is 20 and a whiz at the social media thing. She "stalked" his Facebook to see if this Roxy person popped up anywhere. She looked through his friend's friends. Bingo, we found her. Well, at least pretty sure. I didn't see her face in the snapchat. The screen was too full of her crotch. She's Facebook friends with my husband's good friend. She is listed as a receptionist at my husband's friend's law firm. My husband works a couple blocks from the law firm and he stops by often to grab lunch with his friend. That would explain how they met. Still formulating a plan on confrontation, trying to get as much information as possible first. My sister wants to burn his life to the ground, and honestly I do too, but I'm going to address this in the most adult way possible so that I can walk away from him with my head held high and be a deserving role model to my baby girl (not sure it's a girl, just a feeling). Good news? My uncle is a lawyer. Most of what he deals with are divorces. I've already contacted him and asked if we could discuss some potential legal issues (didn't specify what yet, feels like something I should do in person during our meeting). I told him it was urgent; we are meeting tomorrow morning. I will try to update as much as I can and from the bottom of my heart, thank you all again, Internet strangers!
​
**UPDATE: I \[26f\] opened my husband's \[32m\] snapchat and it was a very explicit picture and caption from a girl. He's sitting not 20 feet from me & I don't know how to handle this.**
Link to original post: [https://m.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4z9cgn/i\_26f\_opened\_my\_husbands\_32m\_snapchat\_and\_it\_was/?ref=search\_posts](https://m.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4z9cgn/i_26f_opened_my_husbands_32m_snapchat_and_it_was/?ref=search_posts)
Again, I am overwhelmed by the support and love I've received from everyone. It feels great to be comforted and cheered on by you all. Thank you **so much**.
So, husband cheated. He has been since "maybe two weeks before last Christmas", according to him.
I was very calm when confronting him and took the advice many of you gave me by telling him that he needs to explain to me who Roxy is and why she is his "best friend" on Snapchat. His face gave him away immediately but he still tried to lie to me at first.
He said that she works with his friend and they met when his friend invited her out to lunch with the two of them. At first, he claimed he only met her about two months ago. He said that they're "best friends" because he doesn't receive many snapchats from others and she is extremely active on the app. He said she just sends randoms and is really into fitness, so she sends a lot of "inspirational" snaps on being healthy and living a better life. He said that every once in a while, he'll send her something back, like a picture of a cheeseburger or something just to tease her about her level of health-consciousness.
First, I asked why he didn't just tell me about her. He said he didn't even think about it because she's just an acquaintance, not even a friend. Then I asked if he'd ever received anything even remotely inappropriate from her.
He answered with, "Not on purpose". I'm assuming he went with that because he knew I opened that snapchat and he probably knew it was a bad one.
I asked what "Not on purpose" means. He got very defensive. Started raising his voice and saying he doesn't need to explain what that means, that sometimes people accidentally send the wrong snapchats to the wrong people. Then he had the nerve to say something along the lines of, "I feel like I'm on trial here. People warned me that you'd get crazy when you're pregnant but I never thought it'd be this bad."
Now. As some of you mentioned in my last post, it seems amazing that I'm able to keep such a level-head. That is because I was raised by a mother who always told me that you *never* accomplish anything with anger. That you can be emotional, passionate, upset, etc. without ever raising your voice. Messages received quietly and concisely are just as loud and clear as messages received through yelling and screaming. That is how I have lived my life for 26 years, with the exception of just a few blow ups (I am human).
This moment was an exception. I didn't exactly yell and scream, but I became furious. For him to try to blame this on me being pregnant? How unoriginal and offensive. Long story short, he said he'd never seen me this crazy and I told him that I'd never seen a picture of another girl's pussy on my husband's snapchat before. He came back with that I shouldn't have looked at his snapchat. I came back with that it was an accident but even if it hadn't been, there shouldn't be any reason he's receiving snapchats like that for me to see- accidentally or not- in the first place. I told him that I may be pregnant but I'm also an intelligent person and I am his *wife*, so I knew he was lying and I deserved to know the truth. I asked if I could see his text messages to see if he's been texting Roxy. He said sure. No messages. Then I asked to see his Facebook messages. He looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He told me no. I asked why.
He finally broke and started to cry. Told me he couldn't let me see the messages because they would hurt me. Because they were inappropriate.
Then it all came out. They screwed in the backseat of her car the **first** night they met.
This is already long so I'll spare you all the details. But it's been an ongoing affair for months. No, they did not always use protection. Although I was recently screened for STIs, I'll be getting checked again in light of this information.
My uncle already assured me that if he was unfaithful, we would cream him in court. Really the only thing I'm willing to fight him tooth & nail for is our home; I put a lot of effort and money into making this home my dream space. I won't be seeking spousal support but I will seek child support.
I'm obviously heartbroken and told him to go stay in a hotel or with Roxy for all I cared (I confronted him last night). My mom & sister stayed with me last night and let me sob all over them for hours. Right now I'm sort of numb but I'm also thinking very clearly. I know what my next 10 moves are and I feel supported and secure in my decision to leave him and keep my baby.
A few things I just wanted to clarify: My husband is not a lawyer; his good friend is. There was some concern for my success in court if my husband is a lawyer. His friend is in environmental law so, while I'm sure he can provide some advice, he will not be my husband's divorce lawyer.
There were suggestions of me terminating my pregnancy. I fully support the right to choose and I would probably terminate the pregnancy if I was in a different financial position and lacked a support system. However, I work as a marketing manager for a large company. Not only does this allow me the privilege of working from home about 50% of the time, but it also grants me financial independence. I do not rely on my husband for money and I really never have. He works in tech so, while he makes a good salary, I will have no need for spousal support. I have a phenomenal support system; this baby will be loved so dearly by so many. Yes, I will have to deal with my husband for the rest of my life if I have this child and it will make future relationships for me more difficult, but it is worth it. I've wanted this baby since day one and I am her mother, which means that I am strong enough to raise her alone because I *have* to be strong enough.
Here's to hoping for a speedy divorce. I'm ready to be done with this marriage. Which is crazy because just a few days ago I thought my life was as close to perfect as you could get.
**tl;dr** Husband admitted to an affair. I will be proceeding with a divorce and will keep our baby. I'm numb but calm and feeling good about my decisions and how I handled the situation. I know there is a long road ahead of me and this will all probably *really* hit me soon. When it does, I'll mourn and grieve the end of what I had thought was a happy union. Right now I'm in self-preservation mode and much more focused on how to come out of this in the best position possible. Thank you so much for all the advice and support, Reddit!
**Edit:** Formatting
**UPDATE:** I know it has been only a short time since I posted this update but I need to tell you all how amazing all of you are. Wow, this much support is just... wow. I wish I could reply to all of your comments and messages but because of the volume, I'm just going to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who read my posts, who commented, thought of me, wished my baby & me the best, messaged me, and anything else. I am currently at my parent's condo, sitting outside at their pool, sunbathing my little baby bump and reading each and every one of your amazing and empowering comments. I just want you all to have that image; that **you** have made me happy and content in a time when I am short on both. This is proof that love does exist, even if it doesn't within my, now over, relationship. And that is a powerful thing.
Love to you all.
**Me again:** I was going to post more details on what happened during the confrontation with my husband, etc., but then I decided against it. I should keep some details private; it's likely my husband has seen this post.
I will leave you with this:
My dad and I were up late talking last night and, as usual, he had the perfect thing to say to me. He told me that weak people are afraid of strong people. He told me to keep on terrifying the weak ones. That way, the only people who won't fear you are the bravest, strongest of people and those are the people who are worthy of you.
Then he said my husband is a spineless turd who couldn't kick it with the strongest woman in the world.
Just thought I'd leave you with that and encourage everyone to "be terrifying" by being strong and not standing for nonsense.
This is the last I will post on the matter. I have a lot ahead of me with everything and will probably go quiet on Reddit for a while. Time to get ready for court and to "be terrifying". :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you again. Love to all of you and best wishes.
Love,
\-T | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oed766/husband_32m_is_found_with_explicit_snaps_by_wife/ | oed766 | 14,373 | 783 | [
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2021-07-05T18:41:58 | A ITA for disinviting a coworker for perpetually spoiling things? | AITA | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/n8rckm/aita_for_disinviting_a_coworker_for_perpetually/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
ORIGINAL POST by u/WeedRant
AITA for disinviting a coworker for perpetually spoiling things?
Almost every Friday, my coworkers and I will go out and get drinks and socialize. More often than not it's on open invitation for the entire office and even people outside of our team will join. We typically have a great time - but only when Logan (20s/M) doesn't show. Logan means well but is easily excitable and engages people in conversations they're not interested in. The worst of this behavior has to do with spoiling movies, shows, games, etc.
A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I had tickets to see the new Mortal Kombat movie over the weekend. Logan lit up and immediately responded, "You'll love the scene where [spoiler] happens and when [spoiler] shows up." I was bummed and walked away without continuing the conversation. Later that same night Amy, another coworker, was discussing a TV show she was a few episodes behind in. Logan blurts out, "I can't believe that [beloved character] dies in episode [whatever number]." Amy, who had obviously not yet watched it, went silent and turned away. Logan laughed and said, "I just can't help it. I get too excited!" None of us were amused.
A few days later, in our team-only group chat, someone brought up Logan's tendency to spoil things and admitted that they wished he weren't invited to outings because of it. Multiple people agreed and began to list everything Logan had spoiled for them. With this in mind, I didn't add Logan to the email invite for the next week's hang-out. He noticed he never got an invite and began to ask around. As I was the one who'd written the email, he was eventually directed to me.
He pulled me aside as I left for lunch and let me know I excluded him "by mistake". Rather than try and play it off, I just told him the truth - that the fact he spoils everything is obnoxious and rude. I told him that joining conversations just to spoil things is bad enough but he also starts conversations with spoilers! Logan was immediately defensive, claiming it's not his fault we're slow to watch/play/etc. and that he's just making conversation. I told that if he swore he'd be more conscious about this habit, that he could join us that Friday. He came and, lo and behold, spoiled the plot of a movie I wanted to see in theaters. Out of frustration, I called him a dick and told him that this is exactly why no one socializes with him. He left soon after and, even though I said what everyone was thinking, I felt like an asshole.
AITA?
Edit pt. 1: a few weeks ago, we had lunch catered and all joined in the break room. A coworker had brought a book to read during lunch and Logan saw the cover, pulled up the Wikipedia, and read the entire synopsis aloud - including the big twist ending. I asked him why he would do that and he responded, "Why not?"
Edit pt. 2: the book was Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.
https://www.reddit.com/user/WeedRant/comments/nd2v0p/update_aita_for_disinviting_a_coworker_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
UPDATE
Your responses had me curious so I tested something out. Last night our office went out for drinks again and Logan showed up. At one point, when I knew he was listening, I mentioned a movie I really wanted to see.
I gave the title and named some actors that were in it and left it at that. Logan didn’t say anything immediately but pulled out his phone a few minutes later. The rest of the night went smoothly until I was about to head home. Logan flagged me down and asked me to repeat the movie title I’d mentioned.
I repeated the title I’d given earlier and Logan got upset. He told me that movie didn’t exist. He’s right, I made it up. He called me annoying and a killjoy and said spoilers “shouldn’t matter if you’re just going to watch something anyway.”
He told me to “get over” the fact that he likes sharing “major plot points” and claimed I ruined his night. And so, as many of you concluded, Logan is just a jerk who enjoys spoiling things. Part of me hopes he spent his entire evening searching for a movie that doesn’t exist - part of me feels bad that he feels that’s something he needs to do for whatever reason.
Pulling a prank on him might make me kind of an asshole too but, to be honest, I think it was worth it.
————————————————————
Yeah, if not invite this guy and then stop showing up if he still crashed our parties. He’s POS. | thyme_of_my_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oedhtn/a_ita_for_disinviting_a_coworker_for_perpetually/ | oedhtn | 4,585 | 592 | [
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2021-07-05T22:42:24 | NEW Update On The Chef With The Racist SIL | AITA | *I didn't realize this had been added into the last re-post 6 days ago here on this sub. But I left it up because loads of people didn't see it there.
The newest update is at the bottom. I'm going to include all of the original post so you don't have to click through if you need a refresher or if you didn't see the first re-post here*
[Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o5pzzy/aita_for_calling_my_sil_a_racist_after_she/)
AITA for calling my SIL a racist after she compared my cooking to "making kung pao chicken"?
For context: I've been married to my wife for ~10 years and we're a mixed-race couple (I'm Asian and she's Caucasian). I've gotten along with her family (MIL, BIL, SIL), but I always felt like her FIL and other SIL (Sarah) never liked me.
I'm a professionally trained chef with 15+ years of experience and I work at a high-end Chinese restaurant (a spin-off of a popular one in Beijing) in a large US city. My crew and I have won several awards, and I've been explicitly told I'll be the next executive chef. Sarah is also a professionally trained chef and works at a popular upscale French restaurant in the city. She constantly brags about it and (no joke) compares herself out loud to Ramsay and Bourdain.
Whenever I'm at my MIL and FIL's house and helping out in the kitchen, Sarah is always criticizing everything I do. Whether it's chopping, braising, marinating, etc., she always butts in with comments like "Umm, I think you should actually do X like this...". I've been patient for my wife and side stepping those comments, saying things like "Thanks, but I think I'll stick to the way I do it."
Things came to a head two weeks ago when my wife, FIL, MIL, and I were in her parent's kitchen prepping dinner for my MIL's birthday. We were running a bit behind so things were heated (which I kind of like because it reminded me of work) and that's when Sarah walked in. She took one look at what I was doing, scoffed, and said something like "Oh wow, okay, so that's not the right way of doing things". It hit a nerve and I pretty sternly told her to stop criticizing my cooking and that I'm also a chef like her. She laughed and said "making Kung Pao chicken at some Chinese restaurant doesn't count". The kitchen went silent, FIL snorted/chuckled, and my MIL yelled "SARAH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU". I stopped what I was doing, swore at her and called her "a racist piece of shit", apologized to my MIL for not being able to stay, and left for home with my wife.
Apparently this caused a massive fight after we left, with my MIL/BIL/other SIL taking my side and my FIL/Sarah saying "it was a joke but kind of true" and that I was "being too sensitive". The extended family somehow got wind of this and now everyone is arguing and taking sides, with my wife even getting texts from some her cousins apologizing for Sarah's behavior. Despite being on my side, my wife is begging me to apologize so that the fighting will stop but I refuse to because fuck Sarah and her blatant racism.
AITA?
TL;DR: I'm a chef working at upscale Chinese resto, my SIL is a chef at upscale French resto. She's critical of my cooking skills and has now called it "making Kung Pao chicken at a Chinese restaurant". Family at war, wife begging me to apologize, what do?
EDIT: My wife has also informed me that now Sarah may be in trouble at work and she's blaming me for it. Apparently one of her co-workers heard her rant about what happened and reported it to management. (Edit: To clarify Sarah is blaming me, though my wife is partly blaming me)
EDIT2/UPDATE:
So it looks like one of my wife's cousins found this post and put it on Sarah's Facebook wall going "This is you right?...". Her FB friends are starting to comment with things like "If this is you Sarah then I'm disappointed". I think Sarah's still at work - shit might be hitting the fan soon and now my wife is pissed too. Will try to update but might have to delete post if things go nuclear
EDIT3/UPDATE2:
Was considering removing but I just got a voicemail from my FIL that "[my] presence was only being tolerated up until this point" and threatened a "world of hurt" if I didn't delete this post. Officially going to keep this post up and if you're still reading this Doug - I'm very disappointed in you, you're better than this. Will also continue to update and thanks again for all your support folks
EDIT4/UPDATE3: Lots of stuff just went down
My wife got a call from SIL. (From wife's paraphrasing) Sarah started screaming/crying at her the moment my wife picked up and said that she just got demoted because of "[her] {Asian slur} husband". Apparently some of her co-workers have her on FB and showed the post to management, which combined with her earlier rant, double whammied her back to being a line cook and now she might get fired. My wife told her to go fuck herself and is now solidly on my side after taking the verbal abuse from Sarah and reading some of the comments here. My wife is still the opposite of happy though...
Wife called MIL and asked her WTF was going on with FIL. MIL was confused so my wife played back the voicemail I had on my phone and apparently my MIL literally just walked away from the phone without hanging up and started screaming at FIL.
Facebook post has now devolved into a clusterfuck flame war with family and friends jumping in.
Suffice to say, it has officialy gone nuclear
I think I'm going to have to call this a day, will make an update post when the dust settles. Thanks again folks
‐-----------------------------
*NEW UPDATE*
EDIT5/UPDATE4:
Turns out I'm not allowed to post an update post for some reason.
I'd like to clarify that I got my wife and MIL's permissions to post this update (out respect for them and their privacy)
Suffice to say, it's been kind of nuts this past week. My wife and I had to turn off social media for a bit because of the shitstorm caused by her cousin putting my last post on Sarah's Facebook page. Some people even tried to call the restaurant I work at to get me fired as retribution, but luckily everyone there is 100% on my side (or as my boss put it "Fuck [Sarah], fuck those racists, fuck them so goddamn much"). I guess it didn't help them that half the calls involved threats, screaming, and more racial slurs.
We didn't hear any updates from her family, even though we assumed the shit met fan after MIL found out about FIL's threatening voicemail (still disappointed in you Doug). But that changed on Sunday night, when MIL suddenly showed up at our door with overnight bags. After we took a moment to help unpack and calm down, she spilled the beans on everything.
FIL (aka Doug)
Apparently my MIL and FIL were already having trouble in their marriage, and it was only made worse with a certain 2016 Presidential election (she's a Dem, and he had apparently gone more far-right since then). Seems that a line was crossed with the "Kung Pao Incident" and his voicemail. When he refused to apologize for anything (typical Doug), she asked for a divorce and he went beserk. She didn't feel safe there so that's when she came over (other BIL and SIL live out of town).
Extended Family (aka The Great FB War of 2021)
You may have been able to tell already, but the extended family was largely arguing/fighting/divided along political lines for a few years now and my cousin's FB post was likely just the light to set off the powder keg. According to my MIL, the fallout has allegedly already led to some break-ups, excommunication of some family members, and even an argument that ended with police involvement. Haven't verified this myself though.
Sarah / SIL
According to my MIL, Sarah came over to her place on Friday. The writing was on the wall and she was basically forced to quit. Despite her trying to start from scratch as a line cook, the entire staff turned against her. Nothing was coming back from the (dish) pit for her and she was getting the cold shoulder. She’s a great chef (I will admit this is true), but they took no chances since it turns out (shit you not)... they're partly owned by a Chinese investment company. Found this hard to believe and didn't want to add this detail, but it turned out to be true after some research (won't say any further for privacy). Word also got around in the local industry, and Sarah is essentially blacklisted from high-end establishments. She's now considering selling her home and moving to find work. As much as I don't like her and found her behavior horrifying, I didn't intend for this to happen so I've reached out to some buds in other states to see if they had any openings. Whether or not she wants to take itis up to her (and no, she has not apologized for anything either - but I still want to be a decent person to her).
It sure as hell doesn't feel like a happy ending. Perhaps bittersweet justice, but that's all I can give you. Thank you all for your support and for reading. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oei5ci/new_update_on_the_chef_with_the_racist_sil/ | oei5ci | 9,011 | 872 | [
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2021-07-06T06:15:11 | It's a pretty straightforward update, but it's everything you want. - "Building a secret fort, in my kids bedroom, without either kid noticing." /r/homeimprovement | HomeImprovement | ***Original:*** [***Building a secret fort, in my kids bedroom, without either kid noticing.***](https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeImprovement/comments/8r1vjz/building_a_secret_fort_in_my_kids_bedroom_without/) ***Posted in*** /r/HomeImprovement
I have an open space above one of my stairways that for the longest time I've toyed with options on how to use. Built-in safes, more storage... lots of options. About a month ago I came up with the idea of making it into a hidden fort, so hidden neither of my kids know about it yet.
[https://imgur.com/a/sdtRiJm](https://imgur.com/a/sdtRiJm)
Access it through the closet in one of their bedrooms. Work is a bit slower than it normally would be since its all under the cover of secrecy thus far. Take off from work a bit early, more progress while the kids swim at the Y, stuff like that. Currently the drywall is complete, screws mudded and ready for paint. Once painting is done, I start on the framework for the ladder and platform. I give it a few more weekends until I can come up with a plan to unveil it.
***Update #1:*** [***UPDATE: Building a secret fort, in my kids bedroom, without either kid noticing.***](https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeImprovement/comments/a6hyib/update_building_a_secret_fort_in_my_kids_bedroom/) ***Posted in*** /r/HomeImprovement
I've had some pings over the past month or so looking for an update. I'm in a mad rush to get this project done before the end of the year with a Christmas unveiling. Went from one work trip on the roster to like 5, so lost some of my needed free time. I'm not ready to do the final walkthrough yet yet, since the "completion" of the fort will mean the framework is in and an adult is much harder to fit inside the room.
Here is what I've been working on so far:
1. Around the time I installed the drywall, I ended up fracturing my humorous in the upper tuberosity. Somewhat slowed me down, but I was literally hanging drywall in this room with my arm broken a week after it was fractured. Fracture was non-displaced and the doctor said use pain as guidance and it would heal on its own. Yea that shit hurt like hell.
[https://imgur.com/vtRf7Pa](https://imgur.com/vtRf7Pa)
2. I have all my perimeter trim work in place, the one was pretty interesting. Lots of measuring angles, re-cutting and working an air nailer with like 150 feet of hose wrapped from my basement garage up to the bedroom.
3. Picked out a color scheme finally, going with white and the grey/blue color that I've loved for their bedrooms. It provides a really nice contrast and doesn't have much glare at all.
4. Finally sorted out a secret entrance design. My equipment comes in next week for this. I work in the enterprise IT space, and was able to source some equipment that will be a cover for the doorway. Going with storage array bezels that will be mounted on a hinged door (black), so press the door and it can unlock to open up the hatch to the fort. From the outside it will look like a cool datacenter IT theme.
5. How to get into the fort itself. I wanted subtle but not a complicated ladder to climb into the fort. I settled in on using hardwood 2x2 boards. Enough of a foot hold for kids to easily climb up, still enough for an adult shoe, but small enough when painted to match the sloped wall to blend in.
6. LEGOS! Legos will be playing a big role in the fort. I've been toying over what to use in the space under the seating area and the idea I came up with was a Lego city platform. I've found some thicker Lego boards that will be held about a foot under the "floor" and offer a spot to put some of the Lego things the kids have been making. Also going to try and work in a storage container under it for loose pieces.
7. Lighting. Sticking with battery powered or low voltage lights only. I'm aiming for a power budget of 5 watts which should give me enough lumens to light up the space, but add minimal heat into the area. Aiming for lowest power density that I can for obvious fire safety reasons.
I've added to my original Imgur album to show the main progress steps. Hoping to be able to unveil this completed to you guys in a couple weeks and the reaction the kids get after they get to see it!
[https://imgur.com/a/sdtRiJm](https://imgur.com/a/sdtRiJm)
***Final Update:*** [***FINISHED: Building a secret fort, in my kids bedroom, without either kid noticing***](https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeImprovement/comments/ad2f2w/finished_building_a_secret_fort_in_my_kids/)***. Posted in*** /r/HomeImprovement
Over the holiday break I was finally able to wrap up the fort. So many little things to get completed, but it really came together well in the last few days.
[https://imgur.com/L01H9yo](https://imgur.com/L01H9yo)
We decided to do a nice treasure hunt to find the secret treasure room as many of you guys suggested. In the end it took about half an hour to go from "too scary" to they wouldn't leave it because they setup shop in the fort. I guess the secret hidden fort was a little too much to handle initially, so it took a bit to warm up to the idea of this room daddy carved out of nowhere. Lots of playing with the door, showing them how the light worked, up and down the ladder... all helped especially with the youngest one.
[https://imgur.com/tb5FxGG](https://imgur.com/tb5FxGG)
Both of them love it. My youngest brought in his pillow, blanket and stuffed animal and tried to go to bed up in the fort tonight. The Lego platform is working out well and getting some great use.
[https://imgur.com/K2xlo4P](https://imgur.com/K2xlo4P)
In the end I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be able to work on some aspects of the fort with the two of them so they can have a hand in making it their own. Tomorrow my plan is sorting out stickers inside the fort, getting my air vent fully cut out and trimming out all of the gaps. They don't care but I want as few spots possible for legos or little toys to vanish inside a wall forever. Dropping Lego Iron Man down through the wall would be tragic to say the least.
[https://imgur.com/a/sdtRiJm](https://imgur.com/a/sdtRiJm)
I was able to get some video of the opening using a Wyzecam powered by a little USB battery pack, so I'll upload those soon and add them in. Overall I loved this project. Most of the things I've been working on over the past couple of years have been home maintenance items, so putting some time in for something just for the little guys makes me feel pretty damn good. I have some ideas of some improvements already, which I'll try to do getting their help on, versus trying to do it in secret.
Part 1: [https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeImprovement/comments/8r1vjz/building\_a\_secret\_fort\_in\_my\_kids\_bedroom\_without/](https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeImprovement/comments/8r1vjz/building_a_secret_fort_in_my_kids_bedroom_without/)
Part 2: [https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeImprovement/comments/a6hyib/update\_building\_a\_secret\_fort\_in\_my\_kids\_bedroom/](https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeImprovement/comments/a6hyib/update_building_a_secret_fort_in_my_kids_bedroom/)
Videos!
Here is when they first opened it up:
[https://imgur.com/tF4SKrV](https://imgur.com/tF4SKrV)
Here is when they finally flipped the light switch and tried to see what was inside.
[https://imgur.com/vscsI5Z](https://imgur.com/vscsI5Z) | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oep68b/its_a_pretty_straightforward_update_but_its/ | oep68b | 7,312 | 463 | [
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2021-07-06T18:47:40 | Abuse victim is living her best life in spite of her (mostly) horrible family. | Relationship_Advice | Original Posts by [u/ThrowRAweddiress22](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAweddiress22/posts/)
[**ORIGINAL**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o6mb16/my_mil_cut_up_my_wedding_dress_i_hate_her_so_much/)
This might sound petty or like something I should just move on from, but I just can't. my MIL was always kind of off to me. I wouldn't say we had a bad relationship, but she wasn't very welcoming or interested. When I got engaged she didn't seem happy for us. I didn't include her in wedding planning much because we weren't close. MIL's mom asked me to so I included her in one thing and she didn't speak the whole time.
I stored my dress at their house. FIL said it was ok. Then I got the call a couple of days before the wedding that she had cut the dress into a million pieces. I literally felt like I was going to throw up. In my mind no one could be that evil and the dress was fixable, so we went over there and no, she legit cut it into a million pieces. I really think if my husband didn't hold me back, I would have fought her. We still got married but I had to wear a cheap replacement and I couldn't stop crying the entire morning, so it was ruined for me.
MIL said she did it because she didn't get a wedding, and because she never got "her turn" and nothing was ever about her. She didn't seem to feel bad. She seemed kind of in shock she had done it, but no remorse. Trigger warning----- the day after she did it she attempted suicide and was brought to the hospital. She got 30 day impatient and I don't know details but her dad was arrested because of something she said. FIL was also taken in for questioning but released, and she filed for divorce the day she got out.
MIL and I are pretty much no contact, but i occasionally see her at family events. She apologized once but didn't seem sorry and when my husband said he didn't want to talk to her she didn't seem to care. She no longer talks to my husband or her daughter, but like I said we see her occasionally, and i've heard she was in intense therapy for about a year.
She just got engaged and the ring is huge and gorgeous, guy seems perfect, and I am just so overwhelmed by how much I hate her and how angry I am. People keep saying it wasn't her fault, she was sick, but I'm at the point where I don't even care.
​
**OP’s comments help fill the gaps:**
I don't know what her father was arrested for. I know she was a child model and her parents have mooched off of her, in her words she was held hostage and robbed, and she feels FIL abused her.
When she said she never got her turn I think she meant because of the modeling and pageants she was never allowed to have friends, go to prom, go to school, have a wedding. She was pushed to work super hard. I know I suck for even caring but her fiancé threw her a huge 50th surprise party, like wedding sized, and she full on broke down sobbing, so I think she just really really wanted a party
I will look into court records. FIL spoke to her horribly, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was abusive. I really don't know about the father except the money thing, and she always had a weird relationship with them. She was always cold and uninterested in her kids, claimed they didn't like her but never tried to bond. Her dad is still in jail. She talks to her mom but literally winces if her mom tries to touch her and I heard the fiancé and mom getting into it once and him telling MIL to just scream and embarrass her if she keeps touching her
**--------------------------------------------**
One of the worst things I remember was her birthday party. She was not allowed to eat the cake and was given a spoon with frosting to lick and she got frustrated because they laughed at her and threw the spoon at FIL. She was then berated for being violent. I wanted to intervene but my husband didn't think it was our business
Her behavior was always off. i know she was pulled out of school to model, but I could tell she had not been properly socialized and FIL would tease her about how awkward she was.
She talked a lot about not wanting her kids, wanting to run away. She was always saying her kids didn't deserve the stuff they had, but at the time I thought she was being manipulative.
She worked nonstop, like a really unhealthy amount. She owned her own business and talked about it being her baby and the only thing she loved
I saw her get gas lit a lot. FIL would tease her until she cried and then him and her parents would berate her for being emotional.
The day she cut the dress FIL told her after the fact she didn't get a wedding because she is a whore and he would not let us talk to her about it.
Also I feel like her parents kind of gas lit her because they were always saying she is so dumb or so irrational and I feel in hindsight like they were justifying not giving her any freedom.
I feel sick just typing it out and there were times i wanted to stick up for her, but I was told to mind my own business.
**--------------------------------------------**
Her perspective is that she was held hostage, starved, not allowed to do normal things, and emotionally abused by FIL in front of the kids, which is why I tried to give her some benefit of the doubt. FIL always talked horribly to her, so I'm sure he was worse behind closed doors. I don't think the two of us should ever talk again. I try to pity her and not just hate her. I get the impression she was somewhat held hostage, but I can't forgive and I think her attitude towards her kids is gross.
**--------------------------------------------**
She never bought us a house. That was going to be the wedding gift. She bought it for her daughter. Some of the things can't be given back, his education, vacations. I don't have anything tangible to give her. He has some clothes and watches from a while ago. We haven't seen her in years, so i really don't know what the right thing is but I will talk to him
**--------------------------------------------**
*About the cost of the wedding (dress included) MIL paid for*: She paid about $60,000 which honestly we do not have the means to pay her back, not that I think money would help her. I have no idea how much she spent on clothes. FIL used to hand us credit cards and tell us to go shopping. He did have a job as well though no where near what she made. Don’t know what the watch cost but it was designer and a graduation gift
​
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o8zy7n/update_my_mil_cut_up_my_wedding_dress_we_talked/)
I was shocked by how much the last post blew up and how much empathy I got. I thought a lot more people would say suck it up, it was only a dress. Truly thank you, and I am looking into booking a therapy appointment to talk about how much anger I have over this.
A couple people pointed out that if I wanted to know why MIL’s dad had been arrested, I could look it up online. I wasn’t aware of how easy it was to find that stuff, so my husband and I discussed it and we both wanted peace of mind. I looked it up and it was not what I was expecting at all. I’m not going to go into too many details, because if someone recognizes this it is not my story to tell, it is MILs, but pretty much she was forced and potentially sold into marrying FIL. We both immediately felt sick because we let FIL and MIL’s mom around our toddler son. We are still close to FIL and our son adores him. I really felt like for my son’s sake I needed clarity.
I asked the cousin MIL was close to, if she could convey to MIL that we had some questions and wanted to talk (MIL has blocked us on everything and changed her number) I mentioned that I tried looking her up on social media and couldn’t find her. The cousin told me it is because MIL took her new husband’s name, which I didn’t know they were married, and her cousin started talking about how beautiful the wedding was. I had originally heard they were going to elope, but she said that was because MIL thought it was tacky to have a wedding past 30, but he convinced her she should have that wedding she always wanted. It really did feel like a punch to the gut and I know I have a lack of will power, but when the cousin brought out her phone, I didn’t stop her. I vowed it would be the last picture of her I ever looked at, and then seeing her in her white dress just really hit me that it isn’t fair. I don’t know what I expected, she modeled for a long time, she works in high end fashion, but the wedding pictures were gorgeous and it really pissed me off.
Anyway the cousin let me use her phone. I told MIL what was going on and that I needed clarity and to know exact details of who was safe around my son. MIL agreed to meet up. I felt my heart sink, but I thought maybe I would get closure. We met at a coffee place. They were already there when we walked in and the first thing out of MIL’s mouth was that she still wants to be no contact and she just wants to be abundantly clear that there will not be a relationship. Fine, we didn’t want one either.
MIL answered my questions. It was really hard but GMIL and FIL can’t see our son anymore. They just can’t. I don’t think they are safe people, and MIL provided evidence for the stuff she was saying, which honestly made me sad for her because I never doubted. MIL then brought up the wedding dress on her own. She said she snapped because it was another thing she was forced to pay for and she was tired of working so hard so everyone else could have things she couldn’t. She felt that we watched and “aided” in her abuse, which I don’t think is fair because there were a lot of red flags, but a lot of stuff we didn’t know about. Pretty much all of this abuse was a way to keep her under control so her parents and FIL could take her money, and MIL did not want to pay for the things she did for her kids, such as weddings, cars, and a house for SIL. She brought up that she never got “her turn” because she was drugged and sedated when she married FIL, she never got to do stuff like proms or birthday parties because of modeling, and she said cutting the dress was cathartic.
My husband pretty much told her to shut up, because he knew it was upsetting me. MIL’s husband pointed out that we pulled up in a car she bought and said we are both pieces of shit for still driving it. MIL was quiet for a little while and just put her head down on him, it was super awkward and I wanted to leave. Finally her husband said that it is kind of funny because everyone got what they deserved, she finally got her wedding, and I know he was implying we got what we deserved. He asked if she wanted to go, she said yes, and walked out without saying goodbye to my husband.
On one hand I understand that MIL did not agree to have him and views him as something she was forced to do, so her parents could control her money, but it makes me mad that she acts like he was a partner in this crime. We are going to have to cut a lot of people out. There are a lot of details I didn’t share and they just aren’t safe people. What happened to MIL is like something out of a horror movie, they all know but gaslit her for years. Honestly I wish her the best in the sense that she deserves a life, and I know a lot of people are skeptical about the new husband, but he seemed very sincere. I wish her the best in life, but I’m pissed she got the wedding after she ruined mine. I told the cousin that I do not want anymore updates, and for my mental health I will no longer attend events she is at. | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/of1bxp/abuse_victim_is_living_her_best_life_in_spite_of/ | of1bxp | 11,563 | 557 | [
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2021-07-07T05:19:35 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ofcfm6/deleted_by_user/ | ofcfm6 | 9 | 631 | [
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2021-07-07T14:53:23 | Update On Pregant Woman's Baby Daddy Goes Back To His Wife, Wife Wants To Be The MOM | AITA | *I shared this one here a few months ago and added a small but important update into that post a few weeks later. But after sharing the Chef Update, which had also been added into its own original re-post, and seeing so many people who didn't see that update added into the original, I thought some of you would appreciate this. Newest update at the bottom*
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mmxpzu/aita_for_calling_out_my_kids_future_stepmom_for/)
AITA for calling out my kids’ future stepmom for treating me like a surrogate?
I [29F] dated a guy Joe (30M) for 3 months before he left me to go back to his ex Kim (30F). Right after we broke up I found out I was pregnant and now I’m at 24 weeks. I let him know and he was ecstatic. Turns out his girlfriend had fertility issues and would likely never be able to get pregnant naturally and he has always wanted to be a father. Getting back together was out of the question for both of us so he’s still with his girlfriend.
Joe was only allowed at the initial appointment because of COVID-19 and we found out I was having twins.
According to Joe when he told Kim she had a mental breakdown about her infertility, and wanted to talk to me. I met them at their house and Kim stated that she wanted to be involved in my pregnancy because she would eventually be the children’s stepmother.
She started telling me that I needed to do a home birth, that I needed to formula feed so that they could have the babies half of the week, that she wanted one boy and one girl, and that she wanted the kid to call her Mama since they would be calling me Mommy. I shut her down and said I would make the best choices for my children and my body and left.
Kim continued to be overbearing and texting me everyday about my eating habits, exercise habits, and bitching about how her job wouldn’t let her take maternity leave. At the virtual genetics counseling appointment, she attended instead of Joe and took over the whole meeting trying to talk about her family history which wasn’t relevant. When it came time for my 20 week level 2 scan, they allowed me one guest and Joe suggested I take Kim instead of him, which I refused to do. Joe did end up coming and he found out the gender because I wanted to keep it a surprise for me so we could throw a gender reveal party.
I put a pregnancy announcement on my social media and then she put up an announcement saying they were expecting twins “the non-traditional way” and how blessed she was. I was irritated but I kept my mouth shut. Then she threw a gender reveal party and posted it on social media. I wasn’t even invited. She also announced that she’s having a baby shower. I commented on her posts and told her to stop treating me like a surrogate, that the kids weren’t hers, and that Joe didn’t have any claim or custody of the kids until they are born. I then called Joe and reiterated all of this and stated that I would not be seeing either of them until we went to family court and that my mother would be my birthing partner.
He and Kim and some of her friends and family are saying I’m an asshole and her mother even called and insisted I give her one of my babies like this is the Parent Trap? So AITA?
EDIT:
I’m definitely getting a lawyer ASAP. Y’all have scared the shit out of me but I’m happy you did.
*Between the original post and her update, a lot of people in the comments were suggesting the father got her pregnant on purpose and this had been the plan all along, for him AND the wife, so they could have a baby.*
UPDATE:
I never considered that this could’ve happened on purpose. We used condoms because I do not react well to hormonal birth control and I had to wait to get a non-hormonal IUD because of other medical issues. The Thursday I posted this, I went to the police and they stated that there was nothing they could do because a crime hadn’t been committed. In my state orders of protection are criminal or family so I was able to get one against Joe.
On Friday, I did get a lawyer and they let me know in my state there was nothing I could do as far as custody before the babies are born, so I will be leaving my state soon to ensure that this isn’t my babies home state and I can’t be charged with anything.
However, someone sent this post to Kim and she came to my job, damaged my car, and broke a bunch of office windows. I work with kids so she was arrested for not just the criminal damage and trespassing but also child endangerment so hopefully that works in my favor. Also if Joe did it on purpose, I don’t think Kim knew, because she was screaming at me about how I stole her life and everything I had was supposed to be hers..
----------------‐--------‐--------‐‐‐-----‐---------------------
*New small update*
Update:
I have orders of protection against both Kim and Joe. I left the state anyway and Joe and Kim started harassing me again because there’s no legal jurisdiction when you leave the state, but I have enough evidence that I was able to press charges in my current state as well and will be pursuing a restraining order here. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ofkgvs/update_on_pregant_womans_baby_daddy_goes_back_to/ | ofkgvs | 5,144 | 1,992 | [
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2021-07-07T19:09:04 | OP is a good dude in a strange situation - "I [M/20] accidentally befriended a 12 year old girl and don't know where to go from here." /r/advice | Advice | ***Original:*** [***I \[M/20\] accidentally befriended a 12 year old girl and don't know where to go from here***](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/cd9tqr/im20_accidentally_befriended_a_12_year_old_girl/)***. Posted in*** /r/advice
I was at my tennis club waiting for my mate to get there one day so we could practice a bit, when he texted me and said he couldn't make it. No big deal, there is normally someone there I can have a hit with or at least sit and watch for a bit. No such luck, the only person there was a 12 year old girl all by herself. This is weird because we don't have any junior teams but I figured why no ask her for a hit. We got a talking a bit and I found out that she's newish to our city and her parents just dropped her off there and left, and she was just going to walk home whenever she wanted. This struck me as unusual, but I did similar things at that age so it didn't ring too many alarm bells tbh.
Eventually some other guys showed up and I introduced her as the lost child she was and they joined us for a bit. After a few sets they wanted to go and practice for real, and I don't have that much stamina so I was looking to head off. I asked her if she had any friends she could play with normally and she told she doesn't at school, she was just planning on coming to the club and seeing who she could find. This is where I suppose I made a risky judgment call and gave her my phone number and said to text me if she ever wanted a hit.
Fast forward a few months and I would consider us friends. We go out once a week for a hit of tennis, she tells me about her life and me about mine. I made some calls to my junior club and managed to get her signed up as a fill-in for some teams, and even once got her dinner once because her parents were off god knows where.
This is the main point of contention. Her parents don't know I exist and tbh, I don't know that they exist with 100% certainty, I've never seen them nor spoken to them. They are very much absent a lot of the time (not abusive though, I've done all the phone calls and whatnot) and I can tell it weighs heavily on her. This makes me extremely uncomfortable as I am well aware of the implications of hanging out with a 12 year old girl as a 19-20 dude. At the same time though, I'm her only friend at the moment. I've done my best to help her make new friends her own age and with similar interests, and at some point I feel like for both of us it's best we part ways.
I just want the best for her, she's extremely intelligent and capable and I do legitimately care for her, and only being friends with a grown ass-dude is not the best thing for her. I just wonder if cutting her off now would make me an asshole and do more harm than good. I have asked friends and they give me a mixture of "what are you waiting for" and "how could you even think about it". Maybe I should wait until she makes at least one other friend?
***Update:*** [***\[Update\] I\[M/20\] accidentally befriended a 12 year old girl and don't know where to go from here***](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/cqqchj/update_im20_accidentally_befriended_a_12_year_old/)***. Posted in*** /r/advice
Some helpful people suggested I contact my local version of the Big Brother program, and they were happy to help me out getting everything official and less sketchy, although they needed her guardian's permission first. On my part I needed to get a background check from the police.
I sat down with her and explained what I was planning, and she seemed excited. I was a bit worried about what would happen when I asked to contact her parents as previous attempts had not been successful, but she gave me their phone number, and we got to chatting about the fun things we could do outside of just playing tennis.
I gave her mother a call the next day and explained who I was, how I knew her daughter and why I thought it would be a good idea for me to become her Big Brother. Her mother seemed very weirded out, understandably, but over all pretty nice. We agreed that I would drive her home the next time we played tennis so we could meet in person.
The day came and after kicking her ass (my forehand is mint boi), we hopped in the car and headed to her place. Her mother was just as I imagined from speaking on the phone, a completely normal human being. Her father however was a different story. If I say he was creepy it implies something sexual, but I don't mean creepy in that way. He had almost no emotions, he smiled when he first saw me, but it was not a normal smile. If I said something funny and he would laugh, but it was like a robot might laugh. Very fucking bizarre dude, just something off about him. Overall though I thought our meeting went well, they just asked that I wait until I got my background check before I did anything other than play tennis with her which is super reasonable and I'm actually glad they weren't willing to sign their kid up to some strange dude without it.
I went home and was super happy with how everything went. I was a tad worried her house was going to be some shit-hole and her parents were going to be druggies, but my fears were thankfully unfounded. A few days went past, and I was chillin', when I got a knock on the door. I open it and 3 cops are standing there looking too happy to see me. They ask me to come down to the station for an interview about the girl, although they tell me I'm not being arrested and it is voluntary. I may come across as naive in my last post, but even I can see that I need a fucking lawyer, so I tell them I'll meet with them when the time suits me.
After frantically Googling around for a lawyer, I find one who seems to be competent. He rings the police station and asks what they want to interview me about, but they are tight-lipped and only let on that it's about me hanging out with the kid. I speak to my lawyer for a bit and despite his hesitation, I agree to meet with the police and try and explain whats going on. I bring with me as much evidence as I can, my call logs to child services (surprisingly difficult to request that where I live annoyingly), my correspondences with the Big Brother people, I even printed off my Reddit post. Anything to make me look like the upstanding person I am.
The interview was nice, when I started laying out evidence of my good-intent they were surprisingly accepting of it. The fact that I had made multiple calls to child services went a long way to convincing them I meant no harm. There were a couple of things that irked me though, and I don't know if they will ever stop irking me. I overheard the police multiple times say "he's not the guy". The way they said it implied they were still looking for someone after me. The next thing that irked me was one of the officers told me that the reason he didn't think it was me was because "when she texted you and said her boobs were sore, you didn't engage." I've read through our text messages 3 times now looking for anything vaguely similar to that sentiment and I'm coming up with zip. I mean, I know nothing would turn up because I have never talked to a kid about their boobs in my life, but still I've triple checked.
I've thought it over and over in my mind, and the only conclusion I can make is that I was not the only man she was interacting with. I can't think of anything else. Why else would the police imply they'll keep looking for someone after clearing me? And then to bring up a conversation that never happened? He must've confused my convos with someone else's. At least if she has been interacting with other people in inappropriate ways the police are involved and they can catch the guy, but sure as shit I'm not speaking to her ever again.
Thank you to everyone for their advice, it definitely was inappropriate of me to be hanging out with her alone and I'm glad you guys told me so. My background check came in the mail today and so I think I will still go ahead with signing up with the Big Brother program, but it will be with a random kid and more importantly with their parents permission.
Edit: My lawyer was with me for the police interview, he just thought it was a bad idea. What does he know though, pfft I've seen Better Call Saul Season 1, I know all about the law. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ofps80/op_is_a_good_dude_in_a_strange_situation_i_m20/ | ofps80 | 8,286 | 565 | [
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2021-07-07T21:25:25 | Obsessed ex-GF terrorizes the family for years (Long) - 1 of 2 | r/LetsNotMeet | Original posts by [u/HannibalsViolin/](https://www.reddit.com/user/HannibalsViolin/) at [r/LetsNotMeet/](https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/)
*\*\*I know it is a saga but since she made several posts covering several years with each having an Update of sorts I thought it would be good. Please let me know if is not allowed or OK, and I will delete it then.\*\**
​
[**Part 1**](https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/4pfqq9/pam/)
The story I'm going to share occurred over the course of several years, and only recently ended. It affected almost all of the most important people in my life, affecting us even today and likely for the rest of our lives. I wanted to share it so everyone can understand just how out of control a seemingly harmless situation can become. Due to the length of this event, I'll likely break this story up into several parts.
First, let me lay it out for you:
My brother has always been my closest friend. He is easily the most loving and genuine person I have ever met and is loved by pretty much everyone he meets. Despite this, he hasn't been in many relationships. I think its partly due to the fact that he's a very "all or nothing" type of guy. When he falls he falls DEEPLY and BLINDLY. A blessing and a curse, I guess.
Anyway, the few girlfriends he's had, I've known quite well, despite being nearly 8 years younger than him. Most of them have been nice, normal, pleasant girls, with the exception of a few. We had high hopes that he'd settle in with a long term, wonderful girlfriend as he entered his adult life. We had no idea we'd spend 6 years sharing a hell with him, our family and our close friends, all by the hands of one girl. I'll call her Pam.
I met Pam when I was 11, my brother 19, and she was 17, graduating High School. I remember being surprised to have him introduce her right off the bat as his girlfriend, since neither my parents of I had heard anything about her. But, she was kind, warm, an honor student and beautiful. I admired her immediately.
For the first year of their relationship, Pam never seemed off. She was always happy, always kind and always had good stories to tell. She and I grew closer, as she seemed eager to bond with me and it was like having an older sister. We shared many of the same interests and friendship came easy between she and I, as I was mature for my age and she was so inviting.
But halfway through their second year of dating, we started noticing things about Pam. Just small, odd habits she had.
If someone was having conversation with my brother that did not directly involve her, or that she wasn't a part of, she tended to insert herself as best she could; sitting closer to my brother, laughing a little louder, calling him away, etc. If any of our family or friends would ask my brother questions about college or future aspirations, she'd grow increasingly uncomfortable and sometimes made comments like, "I hope you have it all planned out, 'cause I'm goin wherever you're goin".
My parents and I would chuckle about these behaviors, assuming that Pam just loved my brother and was a bit protective. We liked her a lot and had high hopes for their relationship. I hate to think now how blind we were.
One night, my brother came home late from a party, I was 13 at this time, he was about to turn 21. He walked in the door, our parents were already asleep, but I was up in the living room. I could immediately tell he was upset about something. I asked him what was wrong. As he walked into the kitchen I realized he had a large welt on his cheek. I asked, "What happened to you?"
He said, "I got in a fight. Its cool." This immediately raised suspicion as my brother was as far from the fighting type as you could be. "I fight over what?" I asked. "Pam." He said simply and went to his room
The next morning he was driving me to my soccer game and I pried again about what had happened. He didn't answer at first but then said, "Pam is kind of... Weird." I asked how so. He said "I don't know, she likes to start things."
Pam was a pathological liar. Apparently, she did it all the time. Looking back, the constant new stories of places she'd been and things she'd done didn't seem to be truthful. That night at the party, Pam had told my brother that another man at the party had attempted to rape her. My brother, being the man he is, confronted him and he said "I've never even seen her before." And a fight ensued over the accusation. On the car ride home, Pam said that my brother must have misinterpreted her words and that nothing close to rape had occurred.
The lying seemed to be a detrimental bump in the road, and my brother broke things off.
After several weeks, Pam contacted me asking if I wanted to go shopping with her. Having had a good relationship in the past with Pam, I agreed. My parents thought it was strange that a 20 year old wanted to spend time with her ex-boyfriend's 14 year old sister, but they let me go anyway.
The day started pleasantly, Pam caught me up on her life and asked how I was/how my family and brother were. Nothing seemed strange, until she began to bring up uncomfortable conversation. She explained to me that she had had a sexually traumatic childhood and thats why she lied so much. But she also aggressively defended herself saying "Whatever your brother told you was a lie. He was the one telling lies. Thats why I had to breakup with him". She seemed to jerk around the conversation from normal to deeply personal and strange topics. She explained in detail a lesbian experience she had had after ending her relationship with my brother and told me that I should try it, when I came of age, of course.
I became increasingly uncomfortable with the conversation. She noticed and immediately apologized, saying that she really liked being my friend and that she loved my brother and thats why she was acting so crazy. I told her I liked being her friend too and that I understood her feelings. This was a mistake
This is when the phone calls began.
It started with just one. She called me a week after we had hung out at 10pm. She was sobbing and saying that she was so sad without my brother and that she needed to get him back.
Then they happened nightly, later and later each time. I'd be dead asleep at 2am and receive a sobbing, hysterical and desperate phone call. I felt so much pity for her that I continued to answer.
One call was different than the other, though. She wasn't hysterical, she wasn't crying. I picked up the phone at 1:30 in the morning and heard a level voiced, monotone Pam. She said one sentence, "Tell your brother I'm going to slit my fucking throat tonight." And then she hung up. I felt numb. I had never experienced that before, no one I knew had ever behaved that way. I texted her over and over again asking if she was okay and telling her to not do anything. I panicked, I thought I had done something wrong and that since she told me I would be responsible in some way.
The next day, I told my brother what had happened and he said he'd go to her house to check on her.
A week later Pam arrived at my house, arm in arm with my brother. They had gotten back together and seemed as if nothing had happened. She smiled at me and never once mentioned the phone calls she had made to me.
The next month is when things escalated again.
I came home from school to my entire family sitting in the living room. They told me to sit down, I thought someone had died. My mother told me, "Your brother let us know how you're feeling." I had no idea what they were talking about. "Feeling?" I asked. My brother looked at me with pity in his eyes, "Pam told me that she wasn't the one who called you, you called her. And you're the one who wasn't feeling well." What the fuck. "No, thats not what happened, she called me every night for 2 weeks crying and saying she wanted you back." "Thats not what she said, she said that you called her with your problems and that she wasn't sure what to do." I was immediately angry that her lies were continuing and that my own family believed them enough to stage an intervention. I showed them the text messages she'd sent me, played them voice messages and showed my call history. That put and end to that lie.
After that I wanted nothing to do with her. My brother broke up with her again. She called him hundreds of times and sent hundred of messages. She showed up at our house a few times with baked goods, wanting to apologize, but we ignored her. Eventually, she left us alone and we didn't hear from her for almost a year.
On my last day of class before winter break during my Sophomore year, I walked out of school and was met by an incredibly unwelcome surprise. This is where things got scary.
Pam was pacing in the front of the school, biting her fingernails and scratching her head. Her face looked sunken in and she had bags under her eyes, I almost didnt recognize her. I began to cut across the front lawn with my friend, Liz, to avoid her, but she saw me and walked as fast as she could in my direction. She outreached her arms for a hug, but I stopped.
The first thing she said was "You're mad at me?". I asked her what she was doing there and she laughed quietly. "I wanted to apologize for whatever your brother told you. I'm sick, Oz." She used a nickname only my brother called me. "I know. Please don't talk to me anymore." I started away, knowing my brother was parked waiting for me around the corner. Pam reached out and grabbed my shoulder as I did. I quickly pulled away and said "I'm serious. Leave us alone, I think you need some help, Pam." She immediately began to cry, but I turned away and left. My brother pulled into the front parking lot of the school and opened his car door for me. "Is that fucking Pam?" He looked through his front mirror. "Yeah, I don't know what she's on, but she's crazy".
That night, at around 1 am, there was a knock at our door. My dad went to it and looked through the peep hole. "Uh," he said, surprised, "I think its, what the fuck, I think its Pam." "Don't open it, I think shes doing drugs." My brother said. My mom wanted to call the police, but my brother and my dad said we should just wait until she went away. A few moments later she rapped on the door harder and more violently. We heard her wailing and yelling "I hear you, fucking let me in!" As she cried. "She has a baseball bat or something" my brother said, coming from his room where he'd looked out the window. I looked from the den window. She looked like something out of a horror movie. She was wearing a grubby dress, bare footed. Her hair had been cut to above her shoulders and was in a wild, halfway in a bun, halfway out mess. She had wiped her makeup down her face like a ghoulish movie character. She looked even thinner than she did in day light and she swung a metal baseball back around as she stumbled about our yard.
"I'm calling the police, she must be drunk." My mother said. "No, it's fine. She's just giving a show. She'll leave." We didn't know people actually behaved like this. It was all eerily entertaining for a moment, like watching a true crime show. But just as she had been manically stumbling around, she stopped. She stood still, staring vacantly up towards the upstairs bedrooms, tilting her head side to side, up and down and licking her lips. "What is she on, heroin or something?" My dad asked.
Pam began to shift back and forth between laughing and yelling and crying. We all sat down as my brother tried her phone and her mom's phone to try and get her to leave. We sat there and listened to the frightening, animalistic sounds of her outside. But then they stopped. We checked the windows and she was gone.
We all sat in silence for a moment, taking in the strange encounter. My father just chuckled and shook his head, my mother shook hers, pitying the girl for being so disturbed. But I was frightened. No one, except perhaps my brother had seen just how quickly her demeanor, her mental state unraveled. From overprotective nature, to small lies, to pathological lies, to full blown manic outbreaks. But this was her worst and we didn't expect anything more to come of it, that she'd fade away from our lives since now she knew we weren't giving in to her desperation.
But in the next 2 years, we learned how wrong we were.
​
[**Part 2**](https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/4pm2bi/pam_2/)
Hello again. This is part two of an ordeal I've experienced at the hands of an emotionally unstable person. In the first part of my experience, I discussed the beginning of my family and my own relationship with my brother's girlfriends at the time, Pam. I explained that small warning signs of insecurity and reoccurring lies progressed into much more manic, violent and aggressive outbursts.
Part two covered the first 4 years of our 6 year ordeal. I was age 11-15 during the occurrences told in part one.
Part two begins at the beginning of my junior year of high school:
After the wintertime incident at our house, Pam stopped coming around. She was still very present, however. Every member of my family endured daily text messages and phone calls. They ranged from apologetic and stable, to incredibly distraught or outraged, cursing and making threats. I remember wanting to sleep with the lights on for several months after the incident, afraid that she'd climb the fence of our back yard and I'd find her standing at my window with the same vacant, crazed look she had that night in our front yard. All four of us eventually decided to have our phone numbers changed and block her from our devices and social media accounts. She still had our home phone number, however. Pam left some of the most frightening and haunting messages I'd ever heard. I can remember standing in my kitchen with my family, my brother playing the messages back for us. One stood out-- it showed us just how unstable and potentially dangerous she was:
My parents and I had returned from an early morning indoor soccer game in February of 2015. My brother asked us to come into the kitchen because we "had to hear the new crazy" Pam had become. The first message was about 30 seconds long and received at 12:30am the night before. Pam sound mildly angry and demanded that we return the batch of cookies she had brought to a 4th of July party, some years ago, because she didn't want us to have them anymore. We all exchanged humored glances at how ridiculous of a request it was. My mother turned to leave, amused, but my brother stopped her, saying that that wasn't the crazy part. My brother played the message, received at roughly 3 in the morning that day. We were confused at first because the first 15 seconds was that white noise, the kind you hear when a device plays the sound recording of an empty room, if you know what I'm talking about. But all of a sudden, in a deep, animalistic and enraged voice, she screamed, "Stop FUCKING playing with me... You're gonna get it." and abruptly ended the call. We were all startled by this.
"I want to call the police, they need to know... that girl isn't all there and who knows what she can do." My dad decided that if anything physically happened again, we'd file a report with the police, but that they were just phone calls. My brother assured that she was all talk and wouldn't come around again. At this point I agreed with my mother. I no longer felt safe. I had never been around someone who behaved like this. I was constantly anxious and I had no idea what I'd do if she came around again. I felt like I was stuck in a Lifetime movie, because I didn't think that things like this happened-- that someone I knew so personally could be hiding such a deeply withheld, violent and manic side. It had always been there, but we set it in motion.
After disconnecting the land line, the personal phone calls stopped. We didn't hear from her ourselves, but some of the friends my brother shared with Pam would come to him, saying that Pam wanted to speak with him and that she would call and message them regularly wanting his phone number. Luckily none of them gave it.
Just before summer, Pam disappeared.
No one got any messages, no one saw her in town. Nothing. Nothing until my brother received an email from Pam's mother, who my brother continued to speak to occasionally. She informed my brother that Pam's family had moved her to the east coast to undergo treatment for a drug habit.
Pam's mother had given us more information about the mental state of her daughter. Her mother had not spoken to or seen Pam much during the time she unraveled, when she came to our house or when she'd made the phone calls. Pam's mother had been under the impression my brother was still in a healthy relationship with Pam, and only learned about their breakup and the incident's following it. She explained that her daughter had always had been a white liar; making up stories that didn't make sense, blaming others for things she had already been caught for, arguing the truth of things that were already proven facts. "I don't think she ever thought that anything she did was wrong, even when it was. I don't understand it, because she was not raised that way," she had explained to my brother. Pam's issues were something that had always been present, but settled comfortably beneath an intelligent and attractive exterior. She'd fooled us, and maybe even herself.
Without Pam to worry about, our lives seemed to go back to normal; I still looked over my shoulder every now and again. But, I was preparing for 11th grade, my brother was beginning a new career and dating a new girl, the daughter of a close family friend, who he'd grown up with. Pam started to fade away from our minds. For a while.
As myself and my friends began to drive, I remember noticing a car quite a bit. You know that car you see repeatedly around the area you live in, you notice it more than the others, because you noticed it once and now you can't stop noticing it since you know it exists? You know it belongs to someone, but you've never seen the driver, just the car? It was like that. I'd notice it out of the corner of my eye at a stop light, or out the window of a restaurant as it drove past. I didn't think much of it, but I noticed it pretty much every time I was out; walking, driving and many times with my brother. I didn't understand how often I'd seen it until one day it clicked, and it startled me. It scared me. I saw it parked in my neighborhood and I remember thinking, 'That's that fucking car. What is it doing here?'... We lived in a smaller, older neighborhood. Most of the people who lived there had been there for a long time. We knew a lot of the neighbors and houses were pretty much never on the market. New people showed up maybe, once ever 5 or so years, and when they did, most people knew about it. So an out of place, but oddly familiar car came as a huge surprise to me.
I pointed it out to my brother, who had been in the car with me at the time. He said "Oh yeah, I've seen it a few times." I didn't feel right about it, but I assumed I was being paranoid.
A few months later, I was well into school, had a job and was too busy to let myself worry. Even though I did.
One day at work, I was wiping down tables in the front of the restaurant, as it was a pretty slow day, only a few people in the store. I remember seeing someone standing outside the front doors, just barely visible out the window. I was busy and assumed they were deciding where to have lunch, as another restaurant was directly next to ours and people did this often. They weren't there anymore and I assumed they'd gone next door. I went out to clear dishes off the front patio and clean up and I saw them walking away from the store, down the strip of businesses in the plaza. Back inside as I worked, I noticed the same person walked back and forth several more times. I was wary at this point as the person seemed to linger for about an hour. I didn't think anything of it afterwards, though.
I was a theater student and had to take some time off for a play I was in. Come opening night, I was so burnt out, I didn't notice anything, even if it was out of the ordinary. My family came opening night, the 4th show and closing night. Leaving with my family from the 4th show is when I snapped back into my anxiety ridden reality. That car was in the parking lot. It was parked a few rows away from my parents' car. I had never seen it at my school before and I knew it didn't belong to any of my castmates. "What does Pam drive?" I asked my brother. "Pam? I don't know, why?" "That stupid car, it freaks me out. Its like, everywhere we are."
A few days later, I had an answer.
At closing night of my show, I went out into the lobby of the theater to greet everyone when we finished. I hugged my parents and my brother, but I noticed that they all looked distraught. My brother was visibly upset and my parents were trying to make conversation, the way they do to avoid something. "What happened?" I asked. "Uh, Pam. She was here." I sort of felt the color run out of my face. I didn't know how much what Pam had done had frightened me until then. "Did she leave?" "I don't know," My brother said, "don't worry about it."
I went and got my things and remembered how strangely violated I felt. That Pam had watched me for the past two hours without me knowing she was in the same state, let alone the same building.
I decided to go home straight away. We left the building and there she was. She was looking at her phone, standing at the mouth of one of the hallways in front of the theater. I stopped for a moment, but the four of us decided to walk as hurried as we could towards the parking lot, hoping to ignore her and breeze past her. She looked different; still skinny, but she wore makeup again. From a distance she looked almost like the old Pam. But as we got closer, she looked up from her phone and still had the vacant, animal quality to her face. A bit of anger flashed over her face as she noticed us. She looked like she was going to say something, but we all pretended to not notice her and continued on. She followed closely behind us, "Hey, wait a minute." At the front of the school, my brother stopped as we kept walking. I heard him say, "You need to stop." We got to our car and watched them talk from a distance. I wanted to get in our car and leave. My mom and I got in while my dad stood outside. Pam was yelling at my brother at this point. He made his way towards his car. Pam smiled artificially and waved towards my brother, shouting a goodbye to him as he went before storming off to her car. My brother stopped to talk to my dad a moment, got in his own car and left after Pam peeled out of the lot. In the same car I had been seeing for the past month and a half.
"Welp, just as crazy as ever." My dad said as he started the car, "We may need to call the police." We lived a short distance from the school, but I was shaken up and wanted my dad to drive as fast as possible. Every headlight we saw chilled me. I stared at my phone trying not to look out the window. I nearly dropped it.
We reached a street convergence in our neighborhood, at the stop sign to the right of us was her car. "Dad that's her." He drove straight and she turned the same direction. "Dad she's following us!" I had never felt quite so panicked. "Call the police, please." My dad said to my mother, his voice as level as ever. I stared out the back window, ducking low in my seat. My dad turned down another street and she followed again. "I'm gonna go in a circle, to see if she follows us, okay?" my dad said. I was crying at this point as I came to a realization. For 4 more turns, my mom spoke to a 911 operator, unable to accurately name streets, as they were not lit and it was pitch black outside. I laid across the back seat listening to my parents yell at each other, frustrated and I'm sure frightened, and my dad curse as she continued to follow more closely. The car was flooded with light as she turned on her brights, the grill of her car almost touching our bumper. My dad turned to mirror away to keep the light out of his eyes and sped the car up. Eventually the light was gone and I could no longer hear the drone of her engine behind us. She was gone.
We got home 10 minutes later and turned every light in our house on. My dad checked every closet and our back and side yards, carrying his gun with him. "She's been fucking watching me and \[my brother\]." I was almost hysterical in my realization.
For the past month, Pam had been stalking both my brother and I. Seeing that car had not been a coincidence. She knew what we were both doing; she came to my school function, on both nights my family was there (maybe all three nights). She knew where I was; she had followed me all over town, she'd been around our neighborhood and had been her lurking around my work place.
All of a sudden the threats became real. Pam was no longer afraid of crossing boundaries, if she ever had been. We were now in the middle of a full blown nightmare. My family was no longer safe. She had gone away to cure one disease, but returned having fed and grown another. She was our personal terrorist with the power to single-handedly pull our everyday lives apart. And she had already begun to do just that.
What may seem like the plot of a bad horror movie-- the psychotic ex-girlfriend reeking havoc-- became our reality, times ten. I cannot express to you how terrible it is to be kept awake by something you cannot see, but you know exists and is waiting for you when you get out of bed. I never expected a human being could terrify me more than any horrible monster or boogieman-- those things don't exist. I'm sharing this ordeal to help others understand warning signs and pressure those who see them to take action to protect themselves.
Despite the terror of that night, this was only halfway year 5 of 6. And things would continue to approach a boiling point.
​
*\*\*All the parts together exceeded the 40,000 allowed so I divided it.\*\**
​
[Part 2 of 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ofsjxa/obsessed_exgf_terrorizes_the_family_for_years/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ofshlq/obsessed_exgf_terrorizes_the_family_for_years/ | ofshlq | 26,362 | 361 | [
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2021-07-07T21:28:49 | Obsessed ex-GF terrorizes the family for years (Long) - 2 of 2 | r/LetsNotMeet | [**Part 1 of 2**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ofshlq/obsessed_exgf_terrorizes_the_family_for_years/)
​
Original posts by [u/HannibalsViolin/](https://www.reddit.com/user/HannibalsViolin/) at [r/LetsNotMeet/](https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/)
*\*\*I know it is a saga but since she made several posts covering several years with each having an Update of sorts I thought it would be good. Please let me know if is not allowed or OK, and I will delete it then.\*\**
​
[**Part 3**](https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/4q8npq/pam_3/)
Hello again. This will be the final posting of my "Pam" story (Please feel free to read parts 1 and 2). It will follow the final year and a half of my 6 year struggle with a mentally unstable individual.
My family, though strong, is still recovering:
After we told my brother about what Pam had done the night after my show, he finally began to confide in me the details of his relationship with Pam. She had come to his high school as a sophomore during his senior year. She immediately caught the attention of my brother and his friends, as she was beautiful and expected to be reserved as a new student. However, my brother recalled his female friends saying she was aggressive in trying to make friends and liked to talk about how her family had moved here from an affluent community in Texas, so elite that it didn't have a name. Many of his friends also had gotten strange vibes from her and pinned her as a "weird, snobby girl" right away. My brother met her again a few years later when she came in to where he was working at the time and said how she had seemed to mature vastly. He took her on one date and almost immediately she wanted to officiate their relationship. He thought it was a bit forward, but didn't hesitate because she impressed him with her elegant way of speaking, kind words and pretty face.
However, he noticed red flags only a few weeks into their relationship. Pam was very insecure: constantly asking my brother if he still had feelings for her, if he was angry with her and if he thought she was attractive enough. Eventually this insecurity took a different shape. Pam would send my brother unsolicited nude pictures of herself in the middle of the day attached to messages asking if he still liked the way her body looked. If my brother went a period of time in their conversations without calling her "beautiful" or telling her how nice she looked, Pam would point this out. If he protested in anyway she'd become emotional and claim he didn't love her anymore.
This behavior mellowed until the end of the second year of their relationship. This is when the narcissism became apparent. Pam would often talk lowly of my brother's previous girlfriends and female friends, boasting about how much more attractive she was than them. Pam refused to attended several of the events my brother asked her to go to (like my birthday dinner or our Aunt's funeral) because she "Wouldn't know anyone and would have no one to talk to". She also enjoyed referring to herself as a "princess" and wanting to constantly be doted upon. She often argued with my brother about him spending time with his friends without her because she didn't understand why he wanted to be around anyone but her. She was 100% convinced she would one day be a celebrity and marry my brother. (At this point I was in disbelief that my brother, a smart, kind and good looking man was wasting any more of his time with a girl who behaved like that.)
However, anytime my brother hinted at wanting to end the relationship, Pam would fly off the handle, becoming belligerent and promising to kill herself. My brother was trapped by the fear of her harming herself. He'd often think that she was simply bluffing and wouldn't actually do anything, but one day he discovered several bottles of prescription pills in Pam's home. He asked her about them and she told him that they were antidepressants prescribed to her after the death of her brother (a brother who he later found out never existed).
Eventually Pam began to become angry when my brother would want to spend time with his family without her around. He also told me that Pam fixated a lot of that anger on me. Once she proceeded to refer to me as a "slut" and made comments and theories about how my mother must have had an affair of which I was the product, because I was so ugly and my brother was not, so my brother decided it was time to end it no matter what. This information troubled me, as all of her actions following that (asking me to spend time with her, she wanting to be my friend, showing up at my school and the phone calls) seemed heinous, ill-intended and even more psychotic than they had been at the time.
But for the final year and a half of our ordeal with Pam, psychotic could not begin to explain what she did to us:
I slept little in the weeks following the car incident. My brother, who lived across town, visited and called more regularly. I suspected he felt as uneasy as I did. The nights I did sleep, I often sweat through nightmares of girls with axes or gowned women standing at the foot of my bed or in my window. One night in early December of 2015, it was a rainy and particularly windy night. I wanted to let the cold air in and I thought that the sound of rain would help me sleep, so I cracked the window only enough to where it could reach the second latch. I also placed the piece of wood my father had cut to help with security behind the window. I pulled my curtain in front of window, leaving the cracked part of the window uncovered to allow air to pass the heavy blackout curtain. I remember waking from sleep, vaguely hearing a foreign noise against the roof out my window. My room was on the second floor of our house. Our house had 3 levels and the "second story" was only 6 or 7 steps up from the primary floor of our house. All of the spaces where different levels, but the bedrooms where the highest, slightly lower than they'd be in a classic 2 story home. What I'm getting at is that my room was hard to get to from the outside, but not if you were aware of the parts of our home and the access points from other roof levels over the living room and garage.
I shook the noise off, as it was storming and I thought maybe some leaves or branches were moving around. I turned over to face the wall opposite my window. Not even a second later my room was illuminated by a surge of white light. I shot up in bed. I was momentarily paralyzed with horror. Every one of my limbs felt as if they were floating as I tried to make sense of what had happened. Then, again, myself and every item in my room became a black silhouette as another flash filled the space. I threw the blankets off of me and ran as fast as I could down the hallway. I was screaming so loud I surprised myself. I ran into my dad as he threw open his bedroom door. He was panicked and held me by my shoulders in the doorway to their bedroom and yelled at me to tell him what was wrong.
"Someone was taking pictures of me through my window!"
The roof and house was checked and they, of course, found nothing and no one. My mother sat up with me and asked every basic question a parent asks "Were you dreaming? Are you sure it wasn't lightening?" There was no thunder and I was sure that there had not been at the time it happened. The flashes did not have the same hue as lightening did. I had taken enough cell phone pictures in my life to identify the flash of a camera. I don't know if they believed me then, but I would eventually have proof that would astonish them.
My brother adopted Ike in January of 2016. Ike was a 2 month old Chesapeake Bay Retriever with one gold eye and one green eye. He had a very distinct white marking on his chest that looked like an hour glass and a white sock on his front left paw. Ike was the love of my brother's life, aside from his now fiancee, Kara. Ike would end our torture just 3 months later.
The holidays and my brother's engagement to Kara, who was amazing, beautiful and who's family we had known all our lives, had lifted my family's spirits immensely. My brother was starting his family, almost done with the police academy and seemed untouchable by any memory of Pam. We felt optimistic for the first time in a long time, Pam hadn't been around (to our knowing) in several weeks, all was normal and things were looking up. But that, again, didn't last.
A month or so after bringing him home, after letting him into the backyard for a few minutes by himself, Kara told us that Ike had escaped from the yard. She panicked and ran around the neighborhood looking for him. She got in her car, called me upset, and drove around the block looking for him. She picked me up and I helped her look in the creek area behind where my brother's house was. We couldn't find him. However, when we arrived back at my brother's house, Ike was sitting on the front porch. We were relieved as he was unharmed and seemed to be as happy as ever, despite missing his collar. I helped Kara check the yard for ways he could've gotten out. We both decided he must have shimmied through a small gap in the gate on the side yard. I couldn't help being confused to find no grass or burs in his fur.
We thought nothing of it.
A few weeks later, both my brother and Kara were going on a weekend trip with some friends and I offered to take care of Ike. They dropped him off on the Friday before the three day weekend. Ike was happy to play with our older lab, Dez. The second night he was with us, I was out with friends and my dad had let both the dogs into the yard at around 8pm. He sat in his chair in the living room watching a show with my mom. They say they remember hearing Dez barking because he yelled for him to be quiet. But they assumed the puppy was riling him up. A few minutes later Dez came to the door to be let in. He ran inside and barked at my dad. My dad was confused, as our dog was not a regular barker. He called for Ike but he didn't come. My dad went out and looked around in the bushes and still did not find him. He became concerned and hurried into the house to get a light. He checked the swimming pool and still did not find him. My mother joined him and they both scoured the large yard but did not find him.
When I got home, they had just finished searching the front and side yards. I told them that he had escaped once before, so we decided to take the car to look for him. As we drove around yelling for him, attracting the help of a few neighbors, I thought how strange it was that such a well behaved puppy had suddenly become a master escape artist in the past three or so weeks. Our yard had seen 3 or so dogs grow up in it, some younger and smaller than Ike, and we had never had that problem. The fences were high and well built and my dad had replaced the ones on the side of the house just a few summers ago.
We did not find him.
I hoped that he'd return that night, like he did last time, but he didn't. I informed my brother on Sunday and proceeded to look all day in surrounding areas, the pound, shelters, vet clinics and even looked to the sides of roads from bodies. We found nothing.
My brother was heartbroken. I helped him make fliers to post in our neighborhood and his.
A couple weeks past and we heard nothing.
My dad was doing yard work in mid-February. He came in after a few hours and he set something on the kitchen table. "What's that?" I knit my brow as I saw it. "It's Ike's collar, it was in the front yard, I almost hit it with the mower. You'll have to take it to your brother." It was Ike's collar. His first collar. Not the one he had been wearing the night he went missing from our yard. It was his puppy collar, which he had lost the day he got out of the yard at my brother's house.
I called Kara and asked her if they had found it, and she said they hadn't and had bought him a new one.
That's when it clicked. Someone had stolen my brother's dog not once, but twice.
I told my brother, Kara and my parents my theory and it was not a difficult one for them to understand. It had to be connected to everything else.
Right when we thought she was out of our lives...
We decided to take it to the police to add to our case file on Pam. I also told them about the night I had been photographed from my window. The police, like many times before, told us they could not do anything, as there was no proof she had done any of these things.
Frustrated, defeated and frightened again.
But a few short weeks later, in April of 2016, new developments would finally end it all.
By complete, God-sent coincidence, Kara was with her mother in a small town 45 minutes away from ours. We were planning for my 17th birthday that month and so preoccupied we almost put Pam and the fact that she undoubtedly had been watching us for months and had stolen, probably killed, my brother's puppy and thrown his collar in our front yard to help us connect the dots and give her credit for the crime. However, while Kara window shopped in the center of the town, she and her mother noticed a car parked on the street. A car with a puppy in it. It was a bit warm out, so they walked to the window and peeked in at the animal. Kara immediately recognized him by his eyes and the marking on his chest (and the fact that he began crying as soon as she called his name and he saw her).
She phoned the police, phoned my brother and sat on the back trunk of the car. The police arrived as the owner of the car came back to it. The girl was immediately upset by the presence of the police and Kara's angry accusations. The girl was not Pam, and she became rather helpful. The girl said that she had purchased the dog only a few days ago from an add online. She told police that the girl she purchased her from was "super shady" and eager to get rid of the dog who was skinny and a very cheap price. The girl who had sold her the dog claimed that she "didn't want the stupid dog, it was a present from her boyfriend, but it was the wrong kind". Pam had always liked small dogs. She told the police that she had met the girl to purchase the dog at an apartment complex a few minutes from where they were, but that she wasn't sure what apartment the girl lived in.
The police, after Kara had informed them of our situation, used Pam's name to find out that she indeed lived in the apartment complex with two roommates. They interviewed Pam's roommates the next day, but Pam was not there. They told detectives that they almost never saw Pam, her room was always locked and she was almost always gone. She didn't have a job, though she claimed to have one, and her mother was there a lot checking up on her and dropping off her rent to them. However, when they did speak to her, she talked a lot about her past relationship and switched between how much she loved him and his family to how they all "deserved to die" and were "going to hell".
With the information given by the girl who had purchased Ike and by Pam's roommates, the police finally had sufficient evidence to search Pam's apartment. I don't know much about what they found, but what I do know horrified my family and horrified me. On Pam's computer they found hundreds upon hundreds of pictures of my brother, my parents, Kara and of me. Our cars, our houses, my school, my brother's school, of Ike. Pictures taken through our windows at night. Picture of us sleeping. Photos taken from our social media of vacations, the picture of my brother's proposal to Kara, she had even doctored herself into some of them. She still had pictures of her and my brother and her with my family up around her room. She had kept Ike in her closet for weeks on a towel and with just water and little food. In her search history they found everything from rape-fantasy and other violent pornography to weapon research.
The police now had sufficient evidence to arrest Pam.
Pam had been obsessively stalking my family for more than a two years. She had stalked us from her car, following us around town. It had been her snapping photos of me from the roof outside my window. She had watched my brother drop Ike off at our house. She had documented her opinions of us, our habits and her plans in a journal which we will not get to see until the case is taken to trial next month. My brother, myself, my father, the girl we found Ike with, Pam's roommates, several of my brother's friends and Pam's mother will testify against her. It will be the first face to face interaction any of us will have had with her in many months and I am terrified.
And I'm angry. I'm angry that an evil, narcissistic, malevolent, psychotic parasite like her had latched onto my brother, onto my family and single-handedly stripped us of our security, our sanity and our trust. Every creak, every bump, every unknown face and every vehicle following too closely will send me into a tailspin of dread and I'll see her again, standing in my front yard in her dress and looking up to the sky with a vacant, animalistic gaze.
My life became a real horror story. Not because of a haunted house or because of an ax wielding murderer. But because of a sick girl with a broken mind and a fixation on something unobtainable. I'm 17 years old and I've experienced an ordeal most will read and think is a sad attempt at a thrilling fiction post. My family is healing, I'm healing and she did NOT break us.
I hope that this story helps anyone who has gone through something similar feel not so alone. I hope that those of you who read this and think of someone who shows the same warning signs as Pam did, are now prepared to take action to protect yourselves. Don't wait until things get as bad as they got for me. Be aware of the power of mental instability and the danger behind it.
As our trial happen and we learn more, I may update this posting with more information.
I can't thank you all enough for the support you've given me as I've posted my ordeal. I'm relieved to have written it all into the words I could not find in these past 6 years of my life. I'm stronger from it.
*\*This is the last OP posted regarding the matter and the account has been inactive for years now\** | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ofsjxa/obsessed_exgf_terrorizes_the_family_for_years/ | ofsjxa | 18,270 | 358 | [
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2021-07-08T02:28:01 | OP wonders if she should tell her husband that her best friend thinks she can take him from OP | Relationship_Advice | Originally posted [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/oe0rfc/my23f_bestfriend23f_laughed_at_me_and_said_that/) by u/RA_acatch99 in r/relationship_advice
I want to apologize in advance for any typo because I'm on the phone.
Yesterday my husband Adam and I hosted a small party at our house to celebratr tht we were finally vaccined, nothing crazy just us, 8 or 9 friends and a bunch of food and music, obviously my best friend, Ava, was there, alongside her boyfriend and her sister, my husband and I've known them since I was 16 and they were the ones who introduced me to him. I knew back then that Ava had a crush on Adam but it seems that he never noticed it o she never told him because they never dated and as the 16 yo girl I was I felt attracted to him the moment we met but I never tried or said anything sue to my respect and friendship to Ava.
At first Ava could go for hours about how perfect Adam was and how perfecr he was for him, he has always been funny and everytime we were around him nobody could stop laughing, back then I honestly believed that she was the one who was meant to marry him and not me but they never had a real conversation and he never tried to really know her. We became more close after our moms started to work at the same grocery shop because Adam used to dropped my mother and sometimes he would stay for dinner, I was honest with Ava the whole time and she told me that she grew tired of "how difficult" Adam was because no longer after that she started to date someone else. Maybe a year after that he and I started to date too and we eventually got married.
At some point in the party the guys took their shirt off and startet to battle with his pecs, Adam became a gym rat in his early 20s so he has a good shape ans Ava started to talk about how much of a hottie he was, that he cult hug her and break her on the spot and that she would say thanks and that the view couls be better if it was only Adam without his shirt off, midn you I've never been the jealous type and I thought that she was joking at first so I said "Don't your der Av, he choose me after all" and made a random pose but I guess that I stroke a nerve because the face she gave me it's the most furious one I've ever seen in her. She took my arm and took me to my bedroom to tell me that I shouldn't be so bitchy and that I shouldn't forget that my husband was a catch because I stole him from her. I was utterly confuse and I tried to apologize for hurting her?? But she told me that I was lucky enough if she didn't took him away after that to help him "end his charity work", at the end that hurt me, but I decided to pretend for the rest of the party and now my husband has began to ask me if everything it's okay, I know that Ava is gonna apologise to me, but I don't know if I should tell him before of after that because I know he will be mad at her
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ofv95b/update_my23f_bestfriend23f_laughed_at_me_and_said/)
I want to thank anyone who put some time aside to read me and tried to help. A few things happened after that and the last thing I could think of was getting into reddit so I didn't answered any comment or message, I'm sorry.
First of all I want to answer the big question.
1. When Adam and I realized that we had feelings for each other I rejected him at first because I knew that Ava had always wanted to be with him, he tried to take me on a date a few times after and before I said yes Ava and I had a long talk. She said that she didn't mind because she was already dating someone else because, again, she felt that Adam was being ''too hard'' and to take my shot. We began to date after that,
So back into what happened, Ava came to my house with a cake the next morning and told me that she was drunk, sorry and didn't know why she said what she said, I gathered some courage after reading your comments and asked her if she still had feelings for my husband and she said that she wasn't sure and more than having feelings she felt humiliated because he never saw her twice but felt drawn to me. She said that she was still attracted to him but nothing that involved real feelings,I don't know if she realized that she told me that she wanted to sleep with my husband but ''no more than that''. I said that even thinking of wanting that was disrespectful and with everything that she said at the party I've had enough. She tried to argue about how it wasn't that big of a deal, that I was overreacting and just to get over it like I always do and be friends, I told her that THAT was the only reason we were still friends, because I always had to suck it up her being so rude all the time in order to maintain the peace, she always has to say something about the way I live my life and her wanting to fuck my husband was the last straw and asked her to leave my house, which she did.
That same night I decided to tell Adam what happened and boy, he was mad as hell. He told me that back then he knew that Ava had feelings for him but he never felt the same and between meeting me and dating me, she started to be more aggressive about it, they even kissed at a party and he stopped talking to her for a few weeks so she would get the message. She never tried anything again until the night before we got married when she texted him a nude and said that he still has time to back out from the wedding, he deleted all the messaged, never answered her and decided not the tell me because she was my MOH, after that he decided to just the friendship with her and focus on other things. When she tried something, even if it was just talk he would just shoved her off and leave the room, my husband apologized for not telling me that before but assured me that he never gave her reasons to make her think he would leave me and I believed him, I told him that my friendship with her had ended and he said that he was sorry because he knew how much I loved her as a friend.
That's it guys, Ava hasn't texted or called and our relationship it's finally over, it took me a big one to realized that she wasn't my friend at all, but that's how life is sometimes. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ofxxv3/op_wonders_if_she_should_tell_her_husband_that/ | ofxxv3 | 6,187 | 752 | [
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2021-07-08T20:10:31 | Like life isn't hard enough, the system has to go and make it harder.- "Just got out of prison and owe SO much money...". /r/personalfinance | PersonalFinance | ***Original:*** [***Just got out of prison and owe SO much money...***](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/4jyy8r/just_got_out_of_prison_and_owe_so_much_money/) ***Posted in*** /r/PersonalFinance
I went to college and graduated but went to prison soon after about 18 months ago. I just got out on parole and am looking at the aftermath of my finances. I'm getting so many letters and calls from so many different companies I don't where to even begin...
I know I had 3 credit cards, two from wells fargo and one from capital one. Apparently capital one sold off my debt a while back but wells fargo still has mine? Student loans are all over the place. I know I took out some personal loans through discover but I'm lost as who are all the companies (or just one company) that holds all my regular student debt from the university. I know at some point my loans started coming through another federal company cause of some changes in law but I'm completely lost. I just got a big ol pink letter saying my student loans are about to default.
While I was in prison, some student loan company found me and sent me a letter and I was able to defer it for a year but that time has passed a few months ago. Right now I'm jobless and am crashing at a friend's house but I'm aware of how serious a student loan default is.
This is all beyond what I'm mentally capable of handling right now. I just went through a stock pile of letters that were saved in the past year and am too overwhelmed to even know what to do first. What can I even do? Even if I had some crappy job (I'm engineering by education...) my first concern is a roof over my head and food. I don't even know what to tell these people when I figure out the mess of who the hell a actually owe and what. Please help me... I stayed out of trouble in prison and continued studying and try to study programming to maybe get a web dev job on the side. I want to do the right thing and get out of this endless black hole.
EDIT: I spent the last hour reading through every comment here and I think getting a free credit report to see who I owe since I haven't really had an address or phone would be a good first step. I should have said my debt is mainly student loans (80k public, 20k private...best guess...) and my credit card debt is about $6-7k so I'm really iffy about declaring bankruptcy but I will at least talk to a lawyer and learn more about the best route to take.
Lastly, I got a lot of positive PMs and comments and even that small boost from a message from an internet stranger gives me hope when I let something like this bring me down. I hope one day I can post an update saying I got a great job, beat the statistics, and give hope to other felons who are trying to do the right thing. It was definitely a life changing experience and has changed my views about the prison system in general. Thank you very much.
***Update:*** [***\[Update\] Just got out of prison and owe SO much money...***](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/62uk9h/update_just_got_out_of_prison_and_owe_so_much/) ***Posted in*** /r/PersonalFinance
It's been a year since I got out of prison and thought about updating for a few months but wanted everything to be absolutely settled before I did. I ended up moving to a more tech friendly city and the job search was still rough. I actually got a job offer 2 weeks after moving and was so excited to start. They asked about my background and I was totally honest with them. After some discussion, they still wanted to hire me but then a few days later I got a call saying HR wouldnt allow it. I was pretty beat up. Over the next few months I got a few interviews and even job offers but any time the background check came up I was denied. The only thing worse than not having a job is knowing you have the skills to get hired but something like this holds you back. Im not going to lie and say it was easy. I broke down some nights but picked myself back up the next day and put out my application again. I worked at a restaurant to make some kind of money and it was rough. I was coming home with $10 sometimes and wondered if this was really going to be my life.
I continued to get calls from debt collectors but ignored them everytime. In the end of September I was having a particularly rough week making no money a work (serving tables) and had a job interview lined up. I didnt really have much hope for this job but figured screw it. Later that day they told me I had the job but at that point it didnt even bring me excitement as I've heard that line before. I did the usual background check and waited for the fatal call. A call came that Friday and was told I was to start on Wednesday of next week. I was confused and in disbelief. Everyday for a few weeks I expected someone to call me or pull me to the side work and tell me there's been a mistake. For the first three months I never even brung anything to put on my desk cause I figured it was any moment now. I worked there making more in one week sitting at a desk doing what I love to do than I was busting my butt for an entire month at a restaurant.
Finally, one day in January I was pulled to the side. The hiring manager asked me to see him in his office and he had a pretty serious look on his face. He sat me down and told me I've been doing very well these past couple of months. My supervisors are impressed with how fast I've caught on and they decided to give me promotion. I was blown away. So here I was, 4 months into a job and I was offered a promotion with a great raise.
I still work hard everyday there. I study up and learn more and try to improve myself with programming everyday. I look back at those few months where I was job searching and know that I made it as far as I did because even on days I was so depressed I didnt even want to get out of bed, I still got up and tried. What else could I do? I still worry about the future but for now, I want to work here for a while getting as much experience and time behind me so my criminal history will pale in comparison to my skills and drive to succeed. I've even managed to get a pretty good girlfriend who know all about my past and we've been dating for five months. She's supportive and is proud of how far I've gotten and how much I still do to make sure my past does not define me. I've helped a number of people start on their programming career and have even given presentations for new comers. Have I gotten some back lash? Yes, but screw those people.
As for my loans, I've saved up an emergency fund for 6 months and as of 2 weeks ago, I paid the last bit I owe on my credit card. I still have a mountain of student debt but I pay it off bit by bit. I dont get anymore calls about money I owe and well, life is alright. I hope anyone who is in a similar situation as me can look at this and know, someone in the same boat as you has made it through and succeeded.
TLDR; hard work and perseverance pays off. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ogfcph/like_life_isnt_hard_enough_the_system_has_to_go/ | ogfcph | 6,990 | 1,002 | [
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2021-07-09T15:57:16 | OP's entitled mother moves in. It does not go well. | r/entitledparents | This is my first time posting in this sub so I hope I'm doing it right.
*This is a repost; I am not the OP.* *The* [*original post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/ntmhqe/i_am_your_mother/) *and the* [*update*](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/ogukp0/update_to_i_am_your_mother/) *were by* u/ThrowIntoDeepWater *in* r/entitledparents*.*
**ORIGINAL**
At the beginning of lockdowns here in Germany, my mother came to me, saying I should let her live with me in my house, because (wait for it) “I am your mother.”
Well, I let her move into the granny apartment. It has a separate entrance and has one bedroom, one bathroom, kitchen/dining room and living room.
While she slept in the bedroom in the apartment, she used the main kitchen to cook her meals (but refused to cook shared meals), used the main living room to watch TV, basically acted as if she owned the house. Any of my complaints she likewise dismissed “I am your mother!”
It all came to a head, when I was working on a computer in the living room. There was a lull while the system setup was doing it's thing, so I went to the kitchen to brew tea and have a snack.
During this time, my mother went into living room to watch TV. But I had been listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. So she started pulling power plugs in an attempt to shut off the music. One of the first plugs she pulled was of course the computer I been working on.
When I came back from the kitchen, she rejected any fault for it. According to her, it was clearly my fault, because she had to shut off the music to watch TV.
So why would she feel free to shut off my music in my house? (Not to mention that I had to start over the system setup) Well, because: “I am your mother!”
I countered “And my mother is a guest in my house, so until you behave like a guest, you better go to your apartment.” She didn't like being treated like that one bit.
Well, she went to her apartment, then left. I went to a hardware store and bought new locks. Until then, the keys for the main door also worked for the apartment door and vice versa. The inside door connecting the apartment and the main house, didn't have a lock at all. So yes, I locked her out of the main part of the house.
And then the phone calls started.
First my brother, to whom I suggested he take her in. (The house he lives in alone, is even larger than mine.)
Then my older sister (who has two spare rooms in her and her husband's condo, since her children moved out long ago.) And who didn't like the suggestion, she should take our mother in, either.
My sister's daughter was somewhat surprised, when I explained to her, that the house belongs to me and NOT to her grandmother. Her brother only called to get my confirmation about that.
My brother's son was actually on my side, but warned me about my mother planning something.
So a few days later, while running errands, I get a call from the hardware store, from which I bought the new locks. They told me that the police had called them to send someone to open the house.
What had my mother done? She called the police for help, because “her son had locked her out of her house.”
When the officers at my house confronted me with that, I simply told them to try her key at the door on the side. Obviously, they hadn't done that before. Then they wanted proof that it was actually I who owned the house. Oddly enough, the copies of the deed I had at home, were nowhere to be found. So I called my attorney and he sent one of his partners with new copies. He also brought eviction papers, telling me “to consider it.” I simply asked for a pen.
A couple days later, my mother moved in with my brother. Brother, older sister and her husband helped her with her stuff. Brother made a last effort to make me change my mind, my sister merely treated me with contempt, brother-in-law told me quietly he vetoed our mother moving in with them before my sister even made the suggestion.
But, this still isn't the end of it.
The police officers are pressing charges for falsely reporting a crime (me locking her out).
Everyone and his little brother has called me “to take back the charges” (I hadn't pressed them in the first place, it's out of my hand.) “To tell the police, that it's all just a misunderstanding.” or at least “put in a good word for her.”
Why? Of course because “She is your mother!”
EDIT:
Thank you everyone. When my friend suggested, I should post on reddit, I expected it to get as much attention, as my late youtube channel.
The response and support is literally overwhelming.
To answer some questions that came up in the comments:
I'm a 45 year old guy, the youngest of four siblings. (47F, 54F, 60M) Never married, but I did have some long running relationships.
My mother (78) lived in my house for about a year. I'm not sure exactly when she moved in, but it was after my birthday, which is in April.
The ... incident ... happened 19. May, so almost 3 weeks ago. From what I hear, she's occupying my nephew's old bedroom. I haven't heard any complaints from my brother so far, but then, I haven't heard anything from him and my older sister since they came to get our mother's stuff.
The copies of the deed that went missing, are public records. Anyone can go to City Hall, pay the fee and get copies themselves. Anything she might try, the procedures she'd have to follow, keep that in mind. Also, my attorney is making sure nothing untoward happens to me and my property.
For the criminal charges, she'll probably get nothing more than a fine in the 500 euro range. Should she reject to pay the fine, it'll go to court. Even then it is not likely that she'll go to prison, but it'll be much more costly for her.
**UPDATE**
Excuse me for dragging my feet with this update, but here it finally is.
My mother has disowned and disinherited me. I really do not care about the practical effects of that, but it still hurts.
My brother called me last week to tell me, that our mother wants me to pay her fine and to tell all interested parties that I did. My response to that: Then it will be for a court to decide who is at fault. Though before it will come to that, my brother will pay in her name, just to get the legal side of it out of the world.
In the meantime, Nephew had a falling out with my brother. The story behind it isn't mine to tell, but I think I can say here, Nephew taking my side in this, didn't do him any favours in that.
On a more happy note, he is going to buy my neighbour's house. My former Sister-in-law and her parents are going to contribute to the downpayment. They came by last weekend to have a look for themselves before they were going to commit. If things go as planned, he can move in this Autumn.
About the mess, they said that, if my family wants to kick me out, they are more than happy to adopt me into their family, after what I did for their only grandson.
I could add some more tidbits, and maybe I will in the comments, but this is the important parts all wrapped up, or so I hope. | lesliewho | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ogyivb/ops_entitled_mother_moves_in_it_does_not_go_well/ | ogyivb | 7,057 | 693 | [
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2021-07-09T19:34:22 | OP worries they disrupted a dinner party, with a very wholesome update (and ducks!) | AITA | [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oefrtm/aita_for_picking_out_the_peas_from_my_dinner_in/) on AITA by u/AITA-peaspicking:
Edit: I’m autistic and don’t like peas because of the texture that makes me feel bad. I’m dependent on my mum because I’m not able to live on my own yet but I’m learning. I didn’t realise that could change the context of the story until it was pointed out to me. Thank you for your insights so far.
Hello.
I’m 20 and I live with my mum \[48\] in the UK.
Mum hosted a mini dinner for some colleagues. Her husband has a big house and a garden where we sat. I don’t like dinners and eating with strangers but I had to sit with them which was a little bit stupid.
They made food I don’t like. It had peas in it and I don’t like peas. My mum knows this but I wasn’t allowed to eat other stuff because it would be making a fuss and there was no time to make other things. I was not allowed to make something myself either.
I picked out the peas from my dinner to feed to ducks at the pond close to my step-dad's house because I know ducks like peas. They shouldn’t eat bread because that’s bad for them. I put all the peas in a little cup with my spoon.
Mum’s boss was sitting opposite of me and asked what I was doing so I told him. He was silent for a while and then said OK. We didn't talk a lot but sometimes he asked me a question and I answered.
At the end he gave me some more peas that he had removed from his own food. I asked if he also didn't like peas and he said: ''I do like peas, but I also like ducks, so they can have my peas'' which I think was nice of him.
He also gave me £5 to buy ice cream for myself when I feed the ducks which was also very nice of him. We didn't talk much but I think he was a nice man and I liked him.
But when he left he talked to my mum and she came to me and she was angry or upset. She asked me if I spend all dinner picking out peas and I said no. I also ate the pasta bits but there were a lot of peas to pick out. She asked why I did that in front of everyone because that's very rude to do during a dinner. It shows you do not like the food and are not interested in the guest.
This is exactly what I thought so that's true. Mum said that she understands that it's not nice. But if she says it's important (like she did before dinner) then it really is important and I should keep that in mind. They were people who deserve respect and who feel 'put off' by others touching their food strangely or not engaging with them.
Mum's boss told her before he left that maybe next time I should eat something else because I didn't eat much. I'm not a big eater so it's kind of normal for me but he doesn't know that of course. But the point is that he said something negative to her that could have been avoided if I didn't pick the peas out of my food.
I didn't think about this. I understand that that is not a good thing but my mum was genuinely upset and I think that is a little bit much. It's just a dinner and he was a nice man. I don't think he's angry at her.
I was just wondering if I'm not seeing something important here that makes it an AH thing to do. AITA?
Thank you.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oh0saw/update_aita_for_picking_out_the_peas_from_my/):
Hello. [Original post.](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oefrtm/aita_for_picking_out_the_peas_from_my_dinner_in/)
Thank you very much for your insight. I appreciate all the comments and also the awards. I think that's very cool to receive.
Some comments said to talk about it with my mum. I did and it went very well. She said sorry and said it was not my fault. She explained to me how it went and I will try to tell it as short as possible:
Mum was very stressed because she never hosts dinners. She wanted her colleagues to like it. They requested the recipe. She forgot I don't eat peas because she was too busy with her colleagues.
She wanted me to eat with them because at her colleague's house his kids also ate with them. She didn't want to make a fuss about my autism because sometimes I'm rude when people ask about it. She said her head was all over the place all evening.
I said to her that that's why I could have made my own food. She said that was difficult because there was no time for that. I didn't realise because I'm not good with time awareness. I asked her to communicate with me next time and be more clear about what I can or can't do. She said she will and said I can help cook next time too.
Almost every comment said that her boss was nice. He probably wasn't angry or upset with her. I told this to my mum. She said sorry to me again because she wasn't upset at me at all. She was embarrassed because she tried to get me to ''behave normally'' and she shouldn't have done that. She took it out on me on a whim.
I also said sorry because I didn't realise that it could've been important for her work status. I just thought they were like friends. She said it was OK because I didn't make a big fuss and I didn't get loud or walk away. She's proud of me for staying at the table and also thinking about the ducks.
We concluded that we both learned things. I learned things because I now know more about work dinners and manners. She learned things because she now knows to communicate and explain more to me to avoid stress.
In the comments people also said her boss might have experience with autistic people. I asked my mum and it was a little bit sad. His little brother was autistic but he died 10 years ago. It made him sad because he loved him a lot.
He told her I should eat things I like next time because it upset him to think mum was worried about appearances so much that I had to be uncomfortable during dinner. He also said that dinner was really good and that he's happy to have her in his team at work. He's a good person and a good boss. I sent him a thank you email with my mum.
Last thing is that I fed the ducks the peas. I think they were happy about it. The thing with ducks is that they don't say that to you of course. I got an ice cream with two scoops at the pond. I also got one for my mum because I had money left. It was a little bit melted when I came home because it was 5 minutes walking but she still liked it and she said I was amazing.
Thank you for reading. | CharlotteLucasOP | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oh2w7q/op_worries_they_disrupted_a_dinner_party_with_a/ | oh2w7q | 6,429 | 2,099 | [
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2021-07-09T19:47:38 | Lovely update from pea-picking OP | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oh35s5/lovely_update_from_peapicking_op/ | oh35s5 | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-07-10T04:59:17 | Three short and sweet updates a year apart, this is what I like to see - "I’m so proud of my awkward self!" /r/socialskills | SocialSkills | ***Original:*** [***I’m so proud of my awkward self!***](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/8uzeax/im_so_proud_of_my_awkward_self/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)***. Posted in*** /r/socialskills
Today I got a cute guys number at the arcade. Then proceeded to play more games together. This is big cuz I freeze up around the even mildly attractive guys. So, yay me!
Edit: Wow I didn’t really expect anyone to even notice this post lol.. BUT OMG Thanks so much for the happy encouragement and praise! I feel an even stronger sense of accomplishment than I already had! Thanks everyone! You guys are awesome!
***Update #1:*** [***Last year I posted here in excitement about overcoming my anxiety and getting a cute guys number... today was our 1 year anniversary dating***](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/cclvyj/last_year_i_posted_here_in_excitement_about/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)***. Posted in*** /r/socialskills
Just an update I thought would be nice to share...
It’s good to stick a foot out the comfort zone every now and then and I learned that from this sub. I would have never thought I’d get this far a year ago. Thank you!
EDIT: just woke up to all this positivity! And it’s absolutely lovely! Thanks everyone I really hope this inspires some of you to not give up. I love how wholesome this sub is each time I post Love y’all!
***Update #2:*** [***Hi! So about 3 years ago I posted about getting over my anxiety and getting a cute guys number at the arcade. This is my 3rd and final update...***](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/ipxgvo/hi_so_about_3_years_ago_i_posted_about_getting/) ***Posted in*** /r/socialskills
We’re getting married! That’s all! Thank you for all the kindness and encouragement and support in past posts!
Oh my goodness! Thank you everyone for all the kind words and all those awards! You guys are so sweet in this community! I’m glad this inspired so many people and thanks for following along! | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ohccni/three_short_and_sweet_updates_a_year_apart_this/ | ohccni | 2,044 | 563 | [
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2021-07-11T16:15:05 | AITA for not letting my best friend have her wedding on my property after being uninvited? + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ob0wdk/aita_for_not_letting_my_best_friend_have_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by u/weddingproperty
One of my (29M) best friends “Carla” (31f) is getting married soon. It’s only meant to be a small backyard type of wedding but they’ve been planning it for a few months now and originally it was supposed to be on my property. They wanted it because it’s private, has lots of open space for the reception, a nice view and the house could be used for them to get ready and stuff. Of course I said yes, she and her fiancé “Rick” were very happy. Thing is Carla and I do have a history. We went out on & off in college but decided to stay friends. Then I met my wife, we got married, Carla met Rick and now here they are.
Now my wife knows I went out with Carla back in college and she didn’t care. Carla still went to our wedding and everything. I never knew if Rick was told or not, it’s not my relationship therefore not my business to say anything so I never did. Rick found out recently and not in the best way. Not sure how but from what I heard from friends is that one mutual friend told him (no idea why) we used to date. Not only that but apparently Carla said a couple years ago she was still in love with me when she was already dating Rick. Don’t have actual confirmation if that’s exactly what he was told. All Carla’s told me is that Rick was told about our past and he’s angry at her for never saying anything.
It became quite a drama and didnt hear from her for over a month until now. She told me they’re going to couples counseling and that the wedding is still on. But Rick requested that I not attend. It sucks but I totally get why he wouldn’t be comfortable. Then I asked the obvious question, where are they going to hold the wedding then? To my surprise she said they still want it at our place.
Rick said so to and in my mind I’m going “he doesn’t want the guy who dated his fiancée years ago at the wedding, but still wants the wedding at his house.” My wife and I are expected to just...not be at our home that weekend, And I told Carla no. They’re going to have to find some place else since we’re not going to simply leave our home to them for the weekend. Not only for safety reasons but it just doesn’t make sense. Rick doesn’t want me around because he’s not comfortable but is comfortable enough to have their wedding at my house? They really want their wedding here though and because of that I’ve been bugged by not only her but also Rick and some friends who think I’m being a petty asshole for not letting them have the wedding here anymore. Honestly don’t think that I am, it just doesn’t make sense at all to have to leave our own place for a wedding we’re no longer welcome to and leaving our home totally vulnerable. Still, being accused of sabotaging their wedding and Rick believes it’s the least I can do after everything. AITA?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oi5kz7/update_aita_for_not_letting_my_best_friend_have/)
Some stuff has happened recently and many of you have wanted an update on this. Appreciate the reassurance and understanding my decision when seems that many in this situation didn’t. I remained firm in my decision about not letting them use my property for their wedding. Even if they changed their mind about inviting us which honestly I don’t care about anymore. Rick’s family (thanks to him) got a hold of my cell so that was more people I had to deal with. I put my foot down with Rick a few days ago and told him directly that I will go to the police and press charges for harassment (I have all the texts and calls documented). Also had a very long talk with Carla about everything going on. She apologized for it all. And she knows it’s her own fault.
Well she decided to be the one to call things off in the end. Some of my friends still seem to think it’s my fault and I’m taking some distance from them for a while. And also from Carla after getting some confirmation on a few things that I needed to know. Whole thing is a mess. I’m only glad in the end that I didn’t give in to their demands and the constant bugging has stopped.. It still was a huge headache over the last few days and not the kind of drama I want back in my life. Thank you to everyone who made me feel supported in this. It helped a lot not feeling like the only other person (aside from my wife), who thought their demand was insane and inappropriate. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oi7cvs/aita_for_not_letting_my_best_friend_have_her/ | oi7cvs | 4,534 | 1,102 | [
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2021-07-11T17:07:16 | Woman (24F) trying to deal with hoarder wife (27F) who helped her get away from her toxic FOO but turned out to be very unhealthy herself. | Relationships | originally written by [u/Greyhound\_Throwback](https://www.reddit.com/user/Greyhound_Throwback/) on r/relationships
​
**I \[24F\] am at the end of my rope with my wife \[27F\].**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/c3ms1o/i\_24f\_am\_at\_the\_end\_of\_my\_rope\_with\_my\_wife\_27f/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/c3ms1o/i_24f_am_at_the_end_of_my_rope_with_my_wife_27f/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app)
This is a hard post to write, forgive me.
I have been the primary support for my wife since I was disowned for being gay four years ago. She got me a bus ticket; for that, I’m infinitely grateful.
I feel like I have watched her decay in front of me. Either that, or she’s always been like this and I just became more cognizant of it. I thought she had depression; she eventually went to the hospital in 2017 for suicidal tendencies. We got married in 2018 thinking things would be better. But it hasn’t gotten better.
She will stay on her laptop all day and only get up to use the restroom or have lunch with a friend. She shares the trite self-help posts and drums up support and attention online. All of my friends here know her, and knew her first.
On the outside, we look happy together. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with her outside the house. I fell in love with her for a reason, we mesh well intellectually and have a great time together.
The logistics of living with her fill me with dread and resentment. She does not help with house cleanliness or chores at all, and either willfully refuses or cannot comprehend putting things into trash cans. She will leave things like takeout trash on surfaces for *months*. The bedroom looks like a level 3 hoard; there’s no visible floor and the tallest parts of the refuse are at least at my hip joint. The rest of the apartment is less bad but still not good.
She tells me that she can’t get or keep a job because of her emotional state but tells me that the psychiatrist believes her depression is situational, primarily based on her weight, and refuses to prescribe anything for it.
She is obese. I am also, even more than she is according to BMI. Her mobility is compromised and she doesn’t seem that concerned about it. This scares the shit out of me.
My wife’s life plan currently entails at least 13 additional years of not contributing financially. This would be one thing if she was trying to be a doctor, but she’s not. She wants to have kids and raise them as a stay at home parent for six years after getting a four year degree, and get her masters after that.
Now, I am not saying a stay-at-home mom doesn’t contribute to the health of the family. My wife is not currently contributing now and we don’t have children.
Frankly, the proposition of raising children with this woman given current factors gives me angina. I already feel like her caretaker. Why would I want to add a child to this?
The current situation is that I have finally broken out of menial jobs, but I need to move. A part of that is cleaning out the apartment to get ready to leave. We agreed to have it done by June 1. That deadline came and went. I told her that it needed to be done by July 1 at the absolute latest.
I reminded her about the deadline every time we brought up the move. She told me to stop nagging her on the 10th, so I did. It is now the 22nd, and she has only taken three bags out of the 40 that it most likely needs, and the only reason she did that was because I was pissed on our anniversary with how I’ve felt like a pack mule for years.
It is 9 days away from the deadline, and I can’t take this anymore. I can’t keep setting expectations and having them ignored or railroaded. I can’t stand watching her care so little about my needs.
I know that I should wait until July 1 to be fair to her, but I’m so hurt. I can’t keep baring my soul, working all the time, and maintaining a house for two people while I’m going through my own shit. I have a severe mental health condition that I keep in check with medication typically and my wife told me she needed the money for something that, in hindsight, was ridiculous. That was the beginning of February. It’s going to be July in 9 days.
The thing that hurts the most is that she says the right things. She knows what to say. She doesn’t do any of them more than once.
A friend from college has volunteered to take me in while shit hits the fan. I’m scared of what my wife would do if I tried to leave. She talks a lot about her low self-esteem and how I’m the only thing keeping her going. She has been hospitalized before for suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I feel so much guilt, Reddit.
I know intellectually that I can’t be the one who wants to live enough for the both of us. I can’t be the only one working towards progress. I will literally combust if I have to continue doing this.
Divorce is ugly as a legal process, but I don’t think I can keep going on like this. My wife is behaving like an addict. Maybe she is addicted to the internet and to her societal perception. That’s for a smarter person than I (with a license) to figure that out.
What do I do, Reddit? Wait until the first? Just pack a bag and get out? My friend says this is abusive, but I feel wrong using that term knowing that there are battered women on the streets. My wife doesn’t seem to think I’m serious about the July 1 deadline.
Thank you for reading. God/fate bless you.
TL;DR: I have been supporting my wife for years and she doesn’t respect my needs. I set a deadline to clean up a hoard-like situation and there’s a snowball’s chance in hell that it will be done by that date. I want to leave, but I’m worried about my wife. What do I do?
​
**UPDATE: I \[24F\] am at the end of my rope with my wife \[27F\].**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/cvblpb/update\_i\_24f\_am\_at\_the\_end\_of\_my\_rope\_with\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/cvblpb/update_i_24f_am_at_the_end_of_my_rope_with_my/)
Hello, everyone.
[I wrote here two months ago about my relationship with my wife.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/c3ms1o/i_24f_am_at_the_end_of_my_rope_with_my_wife_27f/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app) She was a hoarder and had a litany of other issues that were above my pay grade. I asked Reddit if I should leave by July 1, and it was unanimous that I absolutely should.
I didn’t leave July 1.
I left the night of June 30.
The cleaning didn’t get done, surprising literally no one. We were driving to our apartment and I told her that I was really crestfallen about July 1.
“Why? Is that a bad date for you or something?”
I was furious, but kept it to myself. I told her how I felt, and I reminded her of my deadline. I told her that I was moving out and that I was done.
She cried and cried and cried, and begged for a week to clean the apartment to “show that she was committed to this marriage”. I said that she was free to do it, but I wasn’t going to sleep there during that, and I moved in with my friend. We agreed to reassess the condition of the apartment Sunday morning.
She told me how spiritually edifying it was to clean. I was really optimistic for a bit.
Wednesday comes and my FIL calls me, frantic. He’s like a dad to me. He tells me that my wife emailed him (which she never talks to him unless she has to), and I asked why. He told me that she begged him to tell me to ‘come back home’. He remarked that it was bizarre, but I was incensed. “No, FIL, it’s not bizarre, it’s shitty. She’s trying to leverage you though our relationship to get me back.”
Saturday comes and she sends me a message on Facebook saying “you know, it doesn’t look as good as I wanted it to physically, but I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress emotionally and *isn’t that what matters?*”
I told her that such progress would have been appreciated two years ago, but I had to walk- I couldn’t do it any more.
She spent money online with our card without informing me on yarn and we had a disagreement about it. I told her that I wanted the bank account closed, but she “couldn’t bear to see me in person”. I redirected my checks to a new account instead.
It had been weeks and I finally went back to get my things and it got a lot worse. There was a water leak in the carpet, the litter boxes weren’t taken care of since I took care of them the day I left, and she managed to move the microwave into her bedroom. The latter was particularly surprising because she refused to move anything heavier than 10 lbs because of a cited rotator cuff injury for years and yet got a 40 lbs microwave into her room.
I reported the conditions to my MIL, who co-signed the lease with us. She called me back to bemoan “what am I going to do about my daughter? You don’t understand how hard it is to have to think about how to take care of her!”
I snapped at MIL about her nonsense. She asked me what she should do about my ex-wife, feeding her histrionic personality. I told her that I had no idea, but she signed papers 27 years ago that made it her responsibility and not mine.
I’m happily living with my friend. Her and I are currently figuring out what we are, but we’re being supportive of each other and making each other lives easier. We both just celebrated birthdays (happy quarter-century!) and that was perfect.
I’ve been told that my ex-wife has had a much more rigid and stoic affect since I left. MIL told me that she didn’t even say she missed me. “It’d be nice if she came back.”
I heard from FIL that they’re mad that the car I have is in my name; it was given to me as a graduation present, and was an old family car.
I start my new job tomorrow. I’ve been getting ready all last week and I am so nervous but so excited.
I’m really glad I left.
TL;DR: My wife begged me for her last second chance, still didn’t do anything. Tried to get her dad to bend my arm to come back. She wrecked the apartment even more since I left, so I notified MIL. MIL is more concerned about herself than her daughter. I’m happy with my friend and I start my big girl job tomorrow, and thank God.
EDIT: I made this clarification in the comments, but it needs to be said- I was estranged from my friend when I got with my wife. I was disowned for being gay by my family and had to immediately leave college and sought refuge with my ex-wife, and my friend and I fell out of contact. We got into contact again this year when I was interviewing for jobs in the area where she lived, not knowing that she was there. I’m trying to figure out how we’re going to be roommates in the long-term, and for how long, etc. Logistics. | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oi8b92/woman_24f_trying_to_deal_with_hoarder_wife_27f/ | oi8b92 | 10,731 | 385 | [
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2021-07-12T00:41:46 | An unexpected turn leads to a happy ending - "My heart is breaking - my mom just told me her and my dad won’t come to the wedding" /r/weddingplanning | WeddingPlanning | ***Original:*** [***My heart is breaking - my mom just told me her and my dad won’t come to the wedding***](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/i38wbn/my_heart_is_breaking_my_mom_just_told_me_her_and/)***. Posted in*** /r/weddingplanning
I am devastated, and looking for advice. I am a Muslim American bride marring my FH who was raised catholic. Many Muslim families in the west hold their traditions close, and are culturally conservative, expecting their kids to marry other Muslims (how Catholics were supposed to only marry Catholics in the US 70 years ago or risk being ostracized by their community).
FH and I have been engaged for almost a year, which my parents have known. Pre-Covid, FH would visit my parents with me about once a month, and things were pleasant on these visits. However, my parents refrain (and especially my mom’s) was that, he’s nice and all, but he needs to convert. It’s taken us a long time just for FH to comfortably visit, so I thought it was another wall we could pull down. Well I was wrong.
I told my parents yesterday about our new wedding plans. We were originally going to get married in a small museum in the winter this year with over 100 people. I didn’t ask my parents to chip in. Obviously due to Covid that can’t happen right now. We since decided to get married in October in my FMIL’s backyard. It would be only family, 10 people total. I told my parents about the new date, and my dad stayed quiet while my mom again told me FH had to convert. I made it clear I like FH the way he is. It was a messy conversation, but I eventually asked directly if they would come.
And my mom said no, she didn’t see how they could. That just because it’s a civil marriage, it’s not actually a valid marriage in the eyes of God, and that if we have kids they would be illegitimate. I asked if she seriously wouldn’t want to meet her grand kids, and my mom said that’s not the point. I started crying, and said “I can’t believe you would hold your convictions in higher regard than your own daughter”. And my mom said that’s not what she was doing at all. It’s just that Christians marry Christians, and Muslims marry Muslims. I told them that if they really didn’t come it would cause irreparable damage.
I’m currently on vacation from work and staying at my parents house since I haven’t seen them in 4 months (they live near me, but my dad is high risk so I haven’t visited except to sometimes drop off groceries on the porch). I’m taking today to be sad.
But what now? I will marry FH no matter what. I’ve already talked about this exchange with FH and FMIL. They’re obviously also upset. I just don’t see how we can move past this with my parents if they really don’t come. I don’t want to be estranged from them. But that’s what they’re ensuring.
My older sister thinks my mom is bluffing, but understands why I am so hurt and has always supported me.
Basically, what do I do? How do I make it clear that this is not okay, and it’s not just another thing we can sweep under the rug?
***Update:*** [***UPDATE - My heart is breaking***](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/jb3yt5/update_my_heart_is_breaking/)***. Posted in*** /r/weddingplanning
Y’ALL do I have an update for you. A couple of months ago I posted about my parents telling me they wouldn’t come to my wedding because FH wouldn’t convert to their religion. Thank you for those who replied, I found the encouragement and support so lovely and necessary.
Well. One week after that awful conversation, FH got into a chainsaw accident. He cut his thigh above his knee. Miraculously, he didn’t hit a tendon or artery or bone, so he just needed a lot of stitches. He couldn’t walk well for 2 weeks, but after that he didn’t even need physical therapy. Thank God FH’s neighbors heard him yelling when he got injured, they were able to administer a tourniquet while waiting for the paramedics.
Because it’s Covid times, only one person could go to the ER with FH, and his mom went with him. FH’s mom lives an hour away (and that’s where FH was chainsawing). When I told my parents what was going on, they were horrified. I said I needed to get down there, and my parents said of course, but we’re driving you. So after FH got out of the hospital several hours later, we got him and his mom dinner and drove down to check on them. And my parents and his mom really got along. When my mom first heard the news about FH she CRIED.
This all led to a series of conversations between my parents, FH, FMIL, and myself. And my parents finally listened. In the end, a compromise was made. My FH decided he would culturally say the shahada (it’s a sentence you say to become a Muslim), but with the intention of it only being cultural. My parents understand that it’s just for them, and that he doesn’t consider himself Muslim. It’s really so that when we visit family in Egypt it’s not scandalous, which again FH is okay with. What makes it a compromise is this: my parents are finally acknowledging that FH is who he is, and is not really a Muslim. That it’s to honor them and their traditions.
So the moral of the story is... people’s minds change when a terrifying, possibly life threatening accident happens?
In any event, I’m so glad that the past 3 months are over. And I’m so incredibly happy and excited to be marrying my best friend this Saturday. My parents will be coming, and they’ll even be bringing the food. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oigenp/an_unexpected_turn_leads_to_a_happy_ending_my/ | oigenp | 5,449 | 824 | [
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2021-07-12T05:30:47 | Husband wants a paternity test and an out | AITA | Posted by u/hesthefather
​
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ixsv9j/aita_for_not_agreeing_to_a_paternity_test_unless/)
I (28F) and my husband (32M) have a three year old son together. There has never been any doubt that my husband is the father. I've never given him any cause for concern that I cheated on him; he acknowledges all of this.
Last week, he came to me and said that for the last few months, he has been "plagued" (his word) with this anxiety that our son is not his. They don't look identical, granted, but they definitely share similar features and I see my husband whenever I look at my son. I was obviously blindsighted by this. I had no idea he was having these thoughts. I asked him to explain why he thought that he wasn't his and he couldn't really provide any answer other than "a gut feeling." He asked me if I would be okay if he got a paternity test done so it could ease his mind. I initially said absolutely not, no way in hell; I was very very offended. He told me that he could just do it without my permission and I said if he did that, I would never forgive him.
My husband does not have a history of anxiety but he did lose his job back at the start of the pandemic so he's been with our son most of the time while I work my full time job from home. I know this hasn't been easy on him. I'm not a psychiatrist or anything but maybe he is starting to resent our son or something from just having to be around him constantly.
After our heated first conversation, I spoke with some friends about it, and they said that he was probably having psychiatric problems due to the stress of not having a job. I came back to my husband and said that if he went to therapy and maybe started taking some anti-anxiety meds, that I would consider getting the test. He was very upset at this and said that once he got the results of the test back, he wouldn't be anxious anymore and that I wasn't being fair by making him go through a whole "rigmarole" (again, his word) just to get "peace of mind", which was a phrase he used a lot during this. He again threatened to just get the test without my "permission" and I said this would effectively end our relationship.
I think there's something more serious going on here and I thought that my solution here is as fair as I'm willing to be. My friends are divided, some think I should just take the test and others are saying he's being insane and that if I cave to this, there's just going to be something else. I need some neutral perspective here. AITA?
Edit: I haven’t read all the comments here because the amount of responses has been overwhelming. However, I want to say that I really do not appreciate strangers attempting to diagnose my husband over the internet; it is disgustingly presumptuous. I’m his wife and I don’t feel qualified to do that, which is exactly why I want him to go to a LICENSED therapist.
Another thing i’m seeing pop up is that i’m somehow demanding that he take medication. I said “maybe” medication, meaning that I only think he should be on medication if a LICENSED therapist prescribes them to him. I don’t want to shove pills down his throat, which seems to be what some people think I want to do.
As for the numerous suggestions of marriage counseling as opposed to individual therapy, I think this is a great idea (I didn’t initially consider it because I was so focused on it being HIS problem but we are ultimately a team) and I’ll suggest that to him today. Hopefully, it goes better. Thanks everyone for your input.
​
\---
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/j9ueq4/update_aita_for_not_agreeing_to_a_paternity_test/)
Thanks to everyone who commented on my original post. Unfortunately, this is not a great update. If you don’t want to read it all, the bottom line is we’re heading toward divorce.
I took some of the commenters’ advice to go to couples therapy, which we did that same week as my first post. I had to push him a bit to get him to agree to the therapy but I told him it was either this or I would never give in to the test.
The first zoom session was a little awkward since neither of us had ever done therapy before. After listening to both of us, she basically said that she thought we should do the test to see if that eases his anxiety, and that if it doesn’t (which, at the time. was my concern) that we could go from there. So my husband was thrilled and I agreed but I wanted to be on Zoom with the therapist when we received the results so we could talk it out with her there, which he was fine with.
So we do the test and we did our Zoom session when our results were in. And surprise, surprise, the paternity test says he’s 99% likely to be the father.
He didn’t appear relieved or happy or anything of what I expected. Maybe this was unfair but I did expect him to cry and maybe apologize to me for his lack of trust. This wasn't just my imagination though because when the therapist asked him in our first session how he would feel if the test came back saying he was the father, he said he would feel relieved. But he was angry. He kept saying that it was over and that he didn’t want to talk about it. He kept repeating “its done” over and over when the therapist would try to ask a question about how he was feeling and he was obviously not listening when I tried to talk about my feelings. And when I told him I wanted to talk about it, he yelled at me (which he NEVER does) “What else is there to fucking talk about?” I was mortified that he was talking to me this way in front of a therapist and she said we should schedule a new session once he “had time to process.”
After the session, he wouldn’t look at me or speak to me. That he was so upset that he WAS our wonderful son’s father made me absolutely lose my mind. We screamed at each other and it ended with me saying that I can’t do this anymore. He’s at his brother’s apartment now (finally away from our son, which is obviously what he wanted all along) and my mom is now staying at my place go help me out around the house. I texted him this weekend asking if he wanted to do another therapy session and he asked if I really thought that would help and I had to admit that I didn’t.
The speed at which this whole thing happened (just a month ago, I would have said we have a happy marriage!) is still completely shocking to me. But I don’t see us recovering from this. This felt cathartic to type out though so thanks I guess. | ladyboner_22 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oikvr2/husband_wants_a_paternity_test_and_an_out/ | oikvr2 | 6,515 | 873 | [
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2021-07-12T06:00:06 | TIL What Capgras Delusion Is | Relationship_Advice | Original posted by u/Throwaway99d58aw
​
\[Original\]([https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/c8kusg/wife\_started\_to\_hate\_me\_and\_our\_kids\_out\_of\_a/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/c8kusg/wife_started_to_hate_me_and_our_kids_out_of_a/))
My \[38M\] wife \[36F\] started to become increasingly hostile towards me, the kids and her own parents.
Our kids are 12, 9 and 4 yo. I first started to notice it around one week ago when our 12 yo tripped while playing and fell on her face. I ran to her to reassure she was ok but my wife didn't really...bother? She just sat on the bench and watched me and our daughter. That evening i asked her why she showed no reaction and she shrugged it off and told me that 'I looked after her so its ok'. Thats not her normal behaviour at all and if that had happened a couple months ago she would have dropped everything and immediately look after our daughter.
A day after that incident we ate dinner and the 9 yo asked her to pass him the Ketchup. She didn't pass it but responded with 'Why do you want to eat our Ketchup?'. That caught me off guard and I was extremely baffled. He asked if it isn't also 'his' Ketchup but she insisted that its hers and her families Ketchup. I Thought she was making a joke but she looked extremely stern and sincere, so I gave him the ketchup. The rest of the day was uneventful but she kept looking at me and the kids in this... I really dont know... aggressive fassion. As if we were a threat to her.
During the last week I received only one kisse, not a single hug or any other kind of affection and even if she sometimes smiles at me, it just looks extremely forced. Sometimes she just looks at me as if she searches something. Obiously I asked her a couple times if something was wrong but she always denied it and said everything is fine. The problem is, if she was only hostile towards me i could somewhat in some way understand it. Maybe I annoy her, maybe she doesn't love me anymore or she thinks im cheating or I dont fucking know. But she also seems to hate or at least be neutral towards the children. When they talk about school she doesnt care, when they have problems she doesnt care. She doesn't tuck them in at night and i tell our kids that she's just in a bad mood and has a lot on her plate. But obiously they know as sure as I do that something isn't right. It really got out of hand when 2 days ago her mother called me, asking me if something is wrong with her daughter. Apparently she doesnt or at least only briefly answers her texts and doesn't want to meet her anymore. She told me that my wife told her that she 'isn't her real mother' which of course is something horrible to say and we both dont know why she said it or what exactly it meant. When she asked my wife why she just said that she excused herself and said that it was a joke. She never or at least rarely had an argument with her mom. We all hat a great relation up to this week and i just cant in any possible way find out what changed. It kept me up at night because my wife just feels like a different person. Now I thought about a mental illness, maybe some form of early altsheimers? But it doesn't seem to fit her behaviour. She had a depression when she was younger but thats 10 years ago. She was as lovely as one can be not even 2 weeks ago. There are a lot of other instances of her behaviour but i dont have the energy to write it down right now.
That brings me to yesterday. I sat her down and asked her if something is wrong and I need an answer now or otherwise we will see a psychiatrist. She started telling me that everything was fine and she just 'has to act as she always does'. That sentence made me feel sick to my stomach because I didn't know what it meant. Is she seeing someone? Is someone fucking holding her hostage or what is happening? I asked her what she meant but she just brushed it off again, saying that she is ok. I then told her that we're seeing a psychologist and she started screaming at me that I can't make her. I insisted so she threw a cup at me, got up and told me that she wants her 'real family' back. I don't fucking know what that means. We didn't change anything. Everything is as it was a month ago. She grabbed her purse and ran out of the house. She returned a couple hours later and told me she is sorry for how she acted. She did a complete 360 and said everything is good now she kissed me and told me she will explain it tomorrow but she is just tired now. When we got to bed later she kept looking at me as if I'm a stranger but I was also extremely exhausted from everything and just fell asleep. Its morning now and she left the house. I can't find her and it looks like she packed some stuff of hers. Some jackets, her purse 2 pairs of shoes. I called her parents, her friends, everyone she knows but they all havent seen her. Her friends told me all that they haven't had contact with her in the last week. Should I call the police now? Have some of you experienced something similar? I just dont know what to do. I have never felt this helpless.
\--
EDIT: I called the police a couple minutes after the first people here told me to. The police responded and they took my story very seriously and said they will search for her immediately. I told them a couple places she might be. I waited at home and distracted the children, saying that their mom took some time for herself. Her parents are at my house and play with the children, they are just as destroyed and unnerved as me.
They have found my wife an hour ago at the local park, 5 hours after they started searching for her. It didn't look like she was fleeing or in a hurry but just waiting, sitting on a bench. They told me however that she was extremely hostile towards the police and punched an officer. She is now in a psychiatric clinic but im not allowed to meet her nor anyone else. Doctors are caring for her and will call me as soon as they know more.
Thanks for everyone that replied. Im extremely worried and im reading into all the mental illnesses you have posted. I just hope it is something they can cure quickly. I still feel like in a bad dream.
\---
\[Update\]([https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/c9dwlr/update\_wife\_started\_to\_hate\_me\_and\_our\_kids\_out/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/c9dwlr/update_wife_started_to_hate_me_and_our_kids_out/))
Thanks for everyone that gave me their advice. A lot of you have assumed schizophrenia or the rare Capgras delusion. Some of you assumed she was cheating which is something I won’t even address.
Thinking about it, Capgras really fitted the symptoms but I couldn’t just accept that, still hoping she was somehow fucking with us or that it was something mild and temporary and I just overreacted.
After they took her in, i drove to the mental institute to give an exact explanation of what happened in the last week. The psychiatrist assumed some sort of schizophrenia. They told me they will look after her and I should go home to my children. I felt like i was drunk the entire time, I couldn’t close a single eye at night.
The psychiatrist called me yesterday evening and asked me to come to her office. I left my children with their grandparents and drove for what it felt like an eternity.
She told me straight up that she strongly assumes that its Capgras. She never saw a case of Capgras before but it fits everything she gathered. She explained to me how the past 2 days went down.
My wife arrived there, being extremely hostile. She was put in a 'safe room' where she couldn't hurt herself. She calmed down after a couple of hours and the psychiatrist was able to talk to her. The good news was, that she quickly opened up and explained to her what she thinks. She 'knows' that her family and most of her friends have been swapped by clones. She assumed that we, 'the clones', have sent police officers to get her and that she was scared of what we might do to her. She flew in the first place because she felt that we might attack her but mostly to get some space. She still isn’t sure if the 'clones' are malicious or not. That explains why she was distrusting me and always searched for some signs in me and the kids. My wife said that we act exactly like the real ones and how perfect our disguise was, but she knew that we aren’t real because she didn’t feel any love towards me or the kids or her own parents. Writing this down feels like a lance piercing through my chest.
She also told her how she was trying to hide her distrust of us, because she couldn't be sure if we know that she knows that we aren’t the real 'we'. Her delusion that we’ve been swapped came to her 1 day before I noticed it. 10 days ago. She woke up, looked at me and knew that I wasn't the same anymore, not the real one. Same with the kids, her parents and her friends. She hadn’t had those thoughts before.
She asked the psychiatrist if she knows who swapped us or why it happened or if this happens often. She tried to avoid answering her question because she wasn’t sure how my wife would react if she gave in or took her out of her delusion. My wife asked her when she can get out again, the psychiatrist asked her if she wants to get out and she answered that she’s ok being here. It gives her some comfort being with professionals and she now has time to think. It helps that my wife is a nurse and that she respects doctors a lot.
The psychiatrist explained to me, how they will try to slowly deconstruct her delusion and that it can take a short or a very long time until she fully recovers. She explained to me that it’s possible that she might never truly recover. But the fact that she opened up about it and doesn’t necessarily feel scared is a good sign. Im still not allowed to see her as it could make her panic. She apperas to be completely clear of mind about everything else. She knows names, dates, places, facts and everything she knew before. Only the thought that we aren’t the real ones is now a fact for her. Now I wait, till they have some good or bad news of how she develops.
Writing all of this down really helped me. I’m trying to wrap my head around this situation and im mostly scared for her and the children. I can’t hide how distressed I am and that my wife isn’t at home so I explained to them that she is in a mental hospital and she has to recover. The 4yo doesn’t really understand but the other two took it surprisingly well. It helps that they heard all those morbid stories my wife told them from the hospital i guess. They asked me when they can see her and i told them that i don't know, but i hope it will be soon. I haven't felt this empty and i don't know if i should be sad or angry. fuck
Thanks to everyone here that helped me. I feel like I'm in a waiting room at the dentist. It's so surreal. I feel better knowing what the problem is, but worse not knowing when it ends.
\---
\[Final update\]([https://www.removeddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/dd8o63/final\_update\_wife\_started\_to\_hate\_me\_and\_our\_kids/](https://www.removeddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/dd8o63/final_update_wife_started_to_hate_me_and_our_kids/))
Hi you all. This will be the final update. Its been 3 months and i feel like i can give another update. Most if not all of you probably dont care or have forgot, but hey, if anyone wants to know. I haven're responded to most private messages because I didn't feel good enough, talking about it. I still kinda don't. To address the elephant in the room: my wife is back with us. She is at home and well and she laughs about the whole incident. More than I do, to be honest but thats just me.
She immediately started her treatment at the mental health institute. At first, they kept her sealed off from me and the rest of her family and friends. They taught her relations and how the brain works and how to process love and affection and all stuff like that. Meanwhile I was at home and biting my fingernails away, while explaining to everyone what is happening. Turns out that many people I know and thought highly of, dont believe in psychological damage and mental problems so that was fun talking about too. Anyway this isnt really about me here. They somehow convinced her that she has a delusion. Appareantly she almost immediately believed them but said, she still doesnt feel anything towards us, even if she knows that its a delusion. Her trust in doctors and nurses made all of this so much simpler and im so grateful for this. They worked with her more and let her first talk to her parents over the phone. She started gaining trust again and they kinda re-bonded. Later they allowed me to talk to her and I wasn't able to say a single word because i basically broke down in tears when i heard her saying or more like asking a simple "hello?". She told me, it will be fine and she just needs some more time and that the doctors know what they are doing. I regained some strength and told her she should call whenever she wants to. Later she talked to the kids and it really helped her. She laughed with them told them jokes about mental health and recollected some memories. Gradually, they let her meet her friends, then her parents, her siblings and finally me and the kids. That was almost 5 weeks after she got turned in. When she saw me and the kids she started to cry too and kissed all of us. She said she was sorry but i assured her there is nothing to be sorry about. They still kept her a couple of days for some final tests and let her finally go. She got back into work fairly quickly and we have the great relation that we had before all of this. The kids are happy, still dont 100% know what exactly happened. There are still some traces of distrust in herself. She questions her feelings more often and glooms over stuff but all in all, everything turned out to be good. Also, it's still not 100% clear why it happened at all. She cant recall banging her head against anything or anything different.
It feels good writing this down. I wanted to thank everyone who answered and helped me on the initial post. Rhanks to the people that almost immediately diagnosed her and made me call the police. Im sorry that I didnt answer your private messages. I was quite busy and talking about the mental health of my wife feels weird and bitter to me. She knows about this post and about the last posts and sends her love too. | ladyboner_22 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oil9yc/til_what_capgras_delusion_is/ | oil9yc | 14,501 | 609 | [
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2021-07-12T11:07:45 | Woman still loves her Ex, and wants to know what to do. | Relationships | Originally posted by u/Creepy_Sleep_6314
**[Original](https://ud.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/odzagm/i_25_f_reconnected_with_my_ex_27_m_last_year_i/)**
This may be a long post. I feel I need to explain my history with my ex.
When I was in high school I dated my friend Amanda’s brother Hank who was two years older than me. I grew up down the street from their family and had a crush on him as far back as I could remember. When I was a freshman and he was a junior in high school he asked me to the homecoming dance. We ended up dating the rest of the time he was in high school. We were each other’s first love, and I thought it was forever. When you’re a kid you think everything is forever.
After he graduated he kind of out of the blue joined the Marines and dropped it on me that he was going away. I was heartbroken but I stuck it out and he came home from boot camp and I was overjoyed to see him.
Once he went back though I missed him terribly. An older college guy I worked with was flirting with me and I was really flattered by the attention. I decided I didn’t want a long distance relationship. I was 16. I was still a kid and the thought of him being gone for at least four years in the service was too much for me. I know he was hurt when I ended things which I had to do through a letter. I know it was a cowardly way to do it. I should have waited until I could talk to him face to face. But I did what I did. I wasn’t mature enough to deal with this break up.
When he was finally able to come home on leave during my senior year I tried to see him. I felt I should at least tell him in person the things I had told him in my letter. I walked down to his parent’s house and although his mom was as nice to me as ever he was pretty much cold toward me. He had some choice words for me and told me he to leave him alone and he never wanted to talk to me again. I was heartbroken over the way he’d acted but I guess I should have expected it.
Me breaking up with him had also caused a rift between his sister and I. We’d been friends since childhood and it hurt that she was upset with me. We spent the rest of our high school years not speaking and it was awkward all the time as we shared many of the same friends.
In the summer my second year of college I ran into Amanda by chance and we had a heart to heart. We both confessed that we missed each other and were sorry for letting the situation with Hank cause us to stop talking. We started to talk regularly again and have been pretty close since.
Last year Amanda got married and asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. Of course I was happy to do this for her but I was also nervous because her wedding meant I’d see Hank again and I wasn’t sure how he’d feel about me being there. Amanda assured me that Hank was actually glad that she and I had repaired our friendship. I was still nervous about seeing him. At that point it had been six years since I’d actually spoken to him and our last conversation had had some pretty harsh words.
The night before the wedding we held a rehearsal followed by a dinner that Amanda’s parent’s threw for everyone. It was the first time I’d actually seen him. He was still really handsome. He had shaved his head and grown a beard. At first it seemed like he was determined to just ignore me. But partway through dinner he looked over at me and gave me a little smile. I smiled back a little nervously and figured at least he gave me a sign that it wouldn’t be awkward.
At the reception I saw him again but we didn’t talk. Later after dinner I was at the bar and he came up to me and said “Hey, you.” All I could say was “Hey, yourself.” He hugged me and asked if we could talk for a second. I said yes and we stepped outside. It was pretty awkward for a while but he told me he was glad I was there and that I was on good terms with his sister again.
I don’t know why but I started to cry a bit and he handed me a tissue. I told him I was sorry for the way things has ended between us. He said we were just kids at the time and we both could have handled things better. He said he was sorry that he’d been so mean the last time we’d talked. He said he’d lashed out because he was hurt but there was no excuse for it. We both accepted each other’s apologies.
We talked for a while and then he asked if we could still be friends. He said we’d known each other our whole lives and he thought it was crazy that we hadn’t talked in six years. I was glad to accept and we went back inside to our dates. We even danced once and he said it was the first time he’d danced with me since his senior prom.
I could feel some of my old feelings for him were still there but we were both dating other people and I figured he’d moved on.
I saw him a few times over the next few months since he’d come out to grab drinks with his sister and her husband from time to time. He ended up breaking up with his girlfriend sometime earlier this year. One night after we were all leaving the bar he walked me to my car. I asked him about his ex and he said they just grew apart. He was looking for more of a commitment than she was willing to give. Then he said this to me: “I’ve never been able to find someone else quite like you.”
I’ve been thinking the same thing about him. After I started talking to him again every time I go on a date I compare them to him. I’ve thought long and hard about this. I know it’s terribly unfair to these guys to compare them to someone I used to date. But I can’t seem to get him out of my head.
I still have feelings for him. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. I’ve been debating this over and over again in my head. Do I tell him? Should I say something so at least I know where I stand with him?
TL;DR: I broke up with my high school sweetheart because I didn’t want a long distance relationship while he was in the marines. We reconnected last year and I’ve come to realize I still have feelings.
**[Update](https://ud.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/ofye8c/update_i_25_f_reconnected_with_my_ex_27_m_last/)**
I was intent on speaking to him on the Fourth of July. His sister was having a get together and invited me. She told me he’d be there. I get the sense she’s trying to get us together as much as she can.
Anyway he didn’t come to the party. He called his sister and said fireworks cause him a lot of anxiety because of some of his experiences in the Marines. I felt horrible about this and called him to ask if he’d like me to come and sit with him that evening. He told me he appreciated the offer but he didn’t want to ruin my holiday. I promised to call him Monday to check on him.
I called him Monday and he was fine. He said the loud noises just make him jumpy and he was happier just sitting at home with his dog. He also said I was the only person to call and check on him. I just dropped it on him that that’s what you when you care about someone.
He was quiet for a few seconds and then he said it was good to know I still cared. I asked him if he’d like to get some dinner with me Saturday night and he agreed. I said I guess it’s time we talked about a few things that have been on my mind. He said he’s had some things on his mind too and he’s been thinking we should talk. So that’s where we stand as of now. We’re going to meet up Saturday and talk.
I feel like we’re both too old to play games. We need to put all our feelings out where we can see them. Who knows what will happen but at least we’ll both know what the other is thinking.
TL;DR: I called my ex and we’ve agreed to meet up for dinner and discuss our feelings.
**[Final Update (deleted but recovered)](https://removeddit.com/r/relationships/comments/oi4w7p/my_25_f_ex_27_m_and_i_confessed_our_feelings_last/)**
On Friday my (25 f) ex (27 m) Hank called me to ask where I’d like to go for dinner Saturday evening. We’ve known each other since I was five and started playing with his sister. We broke up after high school and reconnected as friends last year.
His idea was that I could come to his place and he would make us steaks and shrimp on the grill. I actually was a bit worried I might become emotional while we talked and was thinking of asking him if he’d like to come to my place and I could make him dinner. I told him his idea sounded great.
Saturday we met up at his place. He’s got a nice little house he’s been fixing up and he showed me around and I met his dog. So we ate dinner and talked a bit about just general stuff. I could feel that we were both just getting comfortable with each other. This was the first time since we reconnected that we’d been alone together.
Finally he said that he knew there were things we both wanted to say to each other. I think he could tell how nervous I was and he went first. He flat out told me that he still loves me. He said he realized that the first night he saw me at his sister’s wedding reception that he knew he still had feelings. He said he knew it sounded crazy and he hoped he didn’t scare me away.
I told him no I wasn’t scared because I still love him too. I told him that having him back in my this last year has made me realize what I missed out on. I started to apologize again for everything and he cut me off. He said there was no reason to apologize for making a decision that I thought was right at the time.
Then he revealed to me that he’s been in therapy for the last two years. He seemed a bit hesitant to tell me this. I assured him there was no reason to be ashamed. He said that he’d gone though some things in the service that really caused him a lot of issues and therapy had helped him tremendously.
He said because of therapy he’d finally been able to let go of a lot of anger and pain he’d kept bottled up inside himself and part of that was anger he’d felt towards me. He said he was sorry for not telling anyone else about his plans to enlist. He said he was wrong just to drop that on everyone unannounced and he understood why it had been hard on me.
I told him that at the time I’d been in shock because he’d never even showed any interest in joining the military. He said he’d kept it a secret because he didn’t want anyone talking him out of it.
I explained to him that my decision to end our relationship had nothing to do with him. It didn’t reflect on what I thought of him. I said he’d been a wonderful boyfriend. I was just unable to deal with the separation. He said he understood. He also said that we had been so young at the time that things my not have worked.
So I told him that I was so sure I was over him. That when I saw him again at the wedding it came as a shock that the old feelings came back to me like they did. I asked him if he thought we should give us a second chance.
He said he’d like to. He said we could take things as slowly was we need to and make sure this is something that can actually work. He said he’s still working on himself and he’d hate to mess up a chance to actually be happy. I told him I’m willing to take things slowly.
So he asked if he could hug me and of course I said yes. The hug turned into us clinging to each other. It was so nice to have him hold me. He told me he’d do right by me and he wouldn’t leave me behind this time. I told him that I didn’t want to let him go either. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t crying by this point.
Then he was acting kind of nervous and said he had one more thing to tell me and he didn’t know how I’d react. When I asked him what he said he’d re-enlisted the day before. Same goofy sense of humor he’d always had. I laughed and punched him in the shoulder.
So we talked for a while about whatever came to mind. After a while he just kissed me. I was wondering if he was going to and he went for it and I’m glad he did. So we spent the evening on his sofa watching a movie and cuddling. That’s it for right now. We’re going to take this slowly and try to see what we can build together again. Maybe second chances do happen after all.
TL;DR: I had dinner with my high school sweetheart, we both admitted we still have feelings and we’re going to give this another try. | wormhole222 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oip2ck/woman_still_loves_her_ex_and_wants_to_know_what/ | oip2ck | 12,118 | 906 | [
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2021-07-12T14:22:09 | Porch Coffee | r/MadeMeSmile | This is the quickest (and maybe the sweetest) update I've seen! This was posted 13 hours ago and OP went along with some Redditors' suggestions! Original submitted by u/corySellsDaHouse in r/MadeMeSmile. **My parents moved to my neighborhood this month after living many hours away almost my entire adult life. My dad has dropped some hints about porch coffee with me sometime and apparently just couldn’t wait any longer.**
Text from the father: Want to come by for coffee in the morning? You don't have to, but I'm up at 6:00 and having coffee if you decide to.OP replied with: Sure, but I may come by closer to 8.
And then, three hours ago, OP updated with simply a photograph of the father and the title **Update: showed up early with his favorite jelly donuts, Pops already had the good stuff brewed.**
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/oifxyk/my_parents_moved_to_my_neighborhood_this_month/)
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/oip1u9/update_showed_up_early_with_his_favorite_jelly/)
:) | haaskaalbaas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ois8yc/porch_coffee/ | ois8yc | 1,044 | 284 | [
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2021-07-13T01:31:49 | A production line employee figures out how to tell weeks in advance when the staff will be working on a Saturday and strategically uses PTO to avoid it. His boss is going mad with rage and curiosity about how he's doing it. [AskAManager] | EXTERNAL: AskAManager | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/06/my-manager-is-annoyed-with-my-days-off-missing-work-because-something-came-up-and-more.html) is from the AskAManager blog, not from Reddit.*
I work on a production line. It is difficult for me to work Saturdays as my wife works a weekend shift and childcare is hard to find on the weekends. My job is supposed to be (and was when I was hired 10 years ago) Monday through Friday, but over several years they have added 10-15 Saturdays a year.
I discovered three years ago that if I look at our company’s warehouse shipping/receiving database, which I have access to through the intranet to order parts for my line, I can see what Saturdays we are working weeks in advance. If I see an outbound shipment for the item my line makes on a Saturday, it means we will be scheduled for production that Saturday.
We are required to request vacation at least two weeks in advance of the day(s) we want off. So when I see a Saturday work day, two weeks and one day ahead of it I request that Friday off (then you also get Saturday off as it isn’t a normal scheduled work day) and have always gotten it off. The production schedule our team sees is only one week out, too late to request a vacation day if you see we are working a Saturday and want it off.
My supervisor discovered that I haven’t worked a Saturday in three years and has been tracking my vacation requests and put it together that if I request a Friday off, two weeks later we are working a Saturday. She asked (several times) how I know when we are working a Saturday and I say “lucky guess.” I can tell that this REALLY irritates her.
I found out through my brother-in-law, who works in IT for the same company, that my supervisor put in a request for them to review my computer history as she felt I was accessing “inappropriate“ content. Of course they found nothing and my brother-in-law’s boss was somewhat pissed when he found out why my supervisor wanted this done and wasted a bunch of their hours going through my computer files.
My supervisor is now hanging around my work station a whole lot more; she is always walking by and stopping to “check in.” I caught her hiding behind another machine near mine so she could see what was up on my computer screen. She has also asked me to stay logged in under my name to save time when she occasionally covers for me for my breaks (to check my search history?) and of course I don’t as it is against company policy. I now access the outbound page when I know she is at a staff meeting.
It has become frustrating with her constantly hovering over/around me. She is my supervisor so I guess she can but it is making me very nervous being constantly watched. I really don’t want to give up my “secret” as then everybody will do what I am doing and I will start working Saturdays. Can I file a harassment claim against my boss for her actions? Other thoughts?
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/07/update-my-manager-is-annoyed-that-i-keep-getting-saturdays-off.html)
*Note: Asides in the story marked "notes from Alison" are editorial commentary from AskAManager.*
I had the question about my supervisor being annoyed with me on how I seem to know when we are working a Saturday and I request vacation.
Reiterating what I said in my response after the question was posted: First, EVERYBODY in the daily work rotation has the same access to the information I have found. They just have not discovered how to use it or have not found the schedule like I have. Second, if I have the vacation time to use, and the time is available to use it, my supervisor would need a very good reason to deny it. HR would need to approve the reason. Her not liking that I happen to take the Friday off before a Saturday work day would not be a good reason.
But I did work a Saturday! The one for the 4th of July weekend. The vacation request log was filled up and I had to work. My wife was able to take the time off for child care.
The update. I went and talked to the plant manager. I mentioned that I didn’t know the correct term but it was like harassment or hostile work environment and bullying by my supervisor in the form of “over supervision” and questions about how and when I was using my vacation. (Note from Alison: Legally, it is not harassment nor hostile workplace.) He said “interesting” and that he, along with HR, would look into it. I also mentioned the (relatively) sudden increase in working Saturdays, going from one or two a year to many more now and seemingly increasing. He said they conducted an investigation/audit and found that the automated ordering program that was implemented a few years ago could not be fine-tuned enough or lacked common sense in ordering the different sub-components and the line would switch products more than needed, adding down time. If it saw one sub-component less than the inventory limit, it would schedule production even though the items were not going to be used for another five weeks. So they are now having a real person look over the suggestions of the program and then make a decision on what the production schedule will be. He said by the end of the year our schedules should be back to normal.
The following weeks, my supervisor said nary a word to me and seemed to be more withdrawn than normal, and other than our start-of-work meetings I didn’t see too much of her. I found out several other people had talked to management about her. One lady named Leslie got a really short haircut and my supervisor started caller her “Lester” or “Leslie the lesbian” behind her back. (Note from Alison: WTF.) Another coworker has intermittent FMLA and she was demanding proof of his condition when she has no right to ask. I guess management had a talk with her about all this and said anything outside of the job at hand was not to be discussed.
I didn’t see her at all at the end of last week. I found out through my brother-in-law, who found out through the rumor mill at the office while together over the holiday, that she was fired. During the investigation/audit of why we working (and being paid) so much overtime, it was discovered that she was coding several of her work friends’ pay rate higher than the job they were doing. Instant termination. So the supervisor’s job is open at the moment. I have absolutely no interest in pursuing it.
Thanks for answering my question. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oj5bip/a_production_line_employee_figures_out_how_to/ | oj5bip | 6,443 | 1,517 | [
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2021-07-13T03:28:32 | The infamous cake lady, /u/IGotYouThisCake keeps us updated. /r/askreddit | AskReddit | *9 years ago* /u/IGotYouThisCake *posted a scandolous tale in this askreddit thread* [*Throwaway time! What's your secret that could literally ruin your life if it came out?*](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/)*, she's been popping in to update us ever since.*
[***Original***](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4ixtgi/)
I run a cake business. I charge people hundreds for wedding cakes... Every last one is made using Pilsbury cake mix I buy for $1 a box at Walmart. I suck at baking. Every time I've ever tried to make a cake from scratch it sucked. But baking is like.. My whole deal. My friends all call me the cake girl. It's like my whole life is a lie. People compliment my cakes all the time. Telling me how delicious they are. Telling me it's so much better than box mix cake. Telling me they could never bake a cake so delicious. Well guess what? For $1, they too can make a cake just as delicious. Just add oil, eggs and water. In my defense, I love cake decorating. I make all of the frostings and fondant from scratch. I just hate baking fucking cakes!! I base my prices mostly on the decoration of the cakes and not of the cake itself of that makes sense. Still... No one knows about this except my husband. Even my best friends think I fucking slave over the oven mixing and baking these damn cakes. I have been doing this for YEARS. If anyone knew my business and reputation would be in the toilet for sure. :/ I keep telling myself I have to learn how to make the damn cakes without the box mixes, but I never do it. I feel like such a sham sometimes.
Edit-holy shit I didn't expect such a response to this! I feel better about it thanks to a lot of these comments!
Funny, I started this account as a novelty account and got bored of googling random cakes to post as comments lol Seemed perfect for this confession!!!
***Update #1***
Edit 2: months later I receive messages almost daily on this account. I am so glad I used a throwaway. I forget to check this account most of the time and rarely see this stuff until weeks later.
That said, to answer the main questions- yes I know I can order cake mix online, but I don't make enough cakes for it to be economical. It's actually more expensive to order online. Honestly, I'm not incredibly worried about people seeing me anymore. If I ran into someone I would tell them that I was helping my niece with a bake sale or something.
I have, since this thread, made some cakes from scratch. I'm still using box mixes for chocolate and vanilla. Oh and red velvet because fuck all of that.
Let's see what else, oh right, I've received probably 100 comments saying "The cake is a lie." We get it. It's very clever, but no, I'm sorry, you're not the first, second, third or twentieth to say it.
Overall, I've learned this is actually pretty normal. And that people from all over the world have a friend who makes cakes and they all think I am their friend. So far no one has pinned me, but you guys had better check your friend's cabinets for Pilsbury mix ;)
***Update #2***
Edit Wednesday June 17, 2015
Alright kiddos. Here I am. A friend texted me and said my people need me hahaha. I guess there was a thread that got big and mentioned this thread. Here's your update!
I actually no longer make cakes. I got a divorce and moved into a much smaller home. At that point I had no place to decorate cakes. I was also really burnt out. It's an incredibly hard art! Very time-consuming and requires a lot of tools and space.
About a year later, I moved in with my now boyfriend. We have a pretty big kitchen. I wanted to sell my equipment and tools and the billion giant cake pans I have, but he convinced me not to. He said I should keep it on the back burner for a while and see if I want to do it again later. He didn't know me when I was a decorator, but he saw the photos and told me it would be a shame if I never did it again.
I want to share some photos, but it would so easy to trace them back to my old cake blog. Maybe I can find one or two photos that were never posted there.
***Update #3***
Edit- January 2018 Once in a while these “reddit lore” posts pop up and someone mentions my confession and I think to check this account. I’m incredibly tickled to be a part of reddit lore!
I have a sort of hilarious update at this point. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with a wheat intolerance. My intestines decided they no longer wanted to digest wheat anymore. Woooo! I actually just thought I was dying for a few months. It was really stressful.
Anyway, I can’t even fuckin eat cake anymore. I still have all of my equipment and whatnot. I make a quick cake now and then. But trust me when I say gluten free cake mixes are better than anything I could make from scratch lol. [Here’s a cute little cake I made for my birthday last year.](http://imgur.com/6zcwyUd) It’s not amazing, but it’s not bad considering I rarely make cakes anymore.
I still receive SO MANY messages on this account. I’m sorry if I don’t reply, but I never check this account. I’ve got everything in that inbox from people trying to guess who I am, to people giving me recipes, to people begging me for cake photos and one guy who wanted a video of me eating cake 😳. Yikes.
Anyhow, I’m getting married (again woooo second time is a charm!) to a dude I met on reddit. And our wedding planner asked me to please not try to make my own wedding cake because she has seen it end in stressful disaster so many times. Im going to take her advice and leave the cake making to someone else!
(I do know reddit and I know some of you will call bullshit on this update, but that’s fine lol. I literally have no reason to lie and with all this personal information someone will probably finally realize who I am for sure haha)
***Update #4***
Update February 23, 2019
The never ending editing lol.
I hadn’t logged into this account for over a year, but I saw someone mention me in a thread so I logged in real quick. A zillion messages in the ol inbox. Sorry... I don’t really have advice on how to start a cake decorating business. I just did my best and was mostly given business by word of mouth. Lots of people messaging to tell me I ripped people off. I mean... not really. People fuckin loved the cakes and when it’s all said and done a box of cake mix plus all the stuff it takes to make it into a cake probably cost around the same amount as the raw ingredients. And people loved the cakes so that’s whatever. Lots of people asking if I would be mad to find out that my wedding cake was made with box mix. No? Lol. Also i was not charging anyone bakery prices. Anyone giving me a few hundred dollars was paying me to make a massive cake that took me days to assemble and decorate.
Also my wedding was fantastically fabulous. We got a gluten free cake from Milk Bar and I paid another bakery $400 to make us a beautifully decorated two tier cake for the guests to eat. Everything was amazing.
Oh and here’s some fuel to fire all of y’all’s weird hate lol. I found this at the grocery store the other day. I’m over here about to ice up some gluten free box mix cupcakes. 😂[https://i.imgur.com/mPii0yW.jpg](https://i.imgur.com/mPii0yW.jpg)
Ps pls don’t give this account gold. I login to it like once a year. Save your money. Donate it to a charity or something instead. ❤️
***Update #5***
October 2019 edit- I can’t believe I can still add edits to this. Weird. Anyway, things are great! I haven’t been baking much dessert, but I’ve been working on some gluten free french bread and it’s going okay! Some people have messaged asking my my marriage. My husband is awesome. He’s really the best and it feels awesome to be with a partner who treats me as an equal.
I have a lot of weird messages in my inbox. Some of y’all need therapy.
I almost did an interview for a podcast on reddit lore, but I chickened out, sorry lol. I’m just not great at doing interview kinda stuff and was afraid I’d be super weird about it!
***Update #6***
April 2020 Edit- omg I can’t believe it’s still letting me make edits to this. Jesus Christ. Quarantine is wild. All I do right now is watch 90 Day Fiancé and sew masks. So many masks. I guess this is my new thing. It’s been really funny to see my post mentioned around reddit once in a while. Especially when people add or change details like some kind of weird game of telephone. It honestly cracks me up. Keep being weird, reddit!! ❤️❤️❤️
***Final Update***
January 2021- Seriously can’t believe it still lets me edit this comment lol. Evidently I haven’t logged into this account since last April. Still getting a steady stream of messages. Y’all are great. I just celebrated my birthday with a gluten free cake from Milk Bar. Aaaaamazing. I didn’t really bake much during the pandemic so far, but I did learn how to sew and I’ve sewn over 3000 masks in the last year which I sold and donated to people all over the US. I also had covid for Christmas... it sucked!!! But I’ve fully recovered now and I’m hoping we can get this shit under control this year. I miss doing things and going places. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oj78u1/the_infamous_cake_lady_uigotyouthiscake_keeps_us/ | oj78u1 | 9,232 | 557 | [
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2021-07-13T17:06:19 | If a police officer stops you for no reason do you have to acknowledge him? | LegalAdvice | Originally written by [u/Alex\_93](https://www.reddit.com/user/Alex_93/) on r/legaladvice.
​
**If a police officer stops you for no reason do you have to acknowledge him?**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/156ey3/if\_a\_police\_officer\_stops\_you\_for\_no\_reason\_do/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/156ey3/if_a_police_officer_stops_you_for_no_reason_do/)
I was out on my usual timed 4 mile run when I saw bright cop lights from the end of the street I was on, .7 mi away. As I got closer I saw that there were 3 cops, all with their lights strobing. (The cops lights in my city are exceptionally well lit and hurt my eyes every time i see them) I turn at the street corner continuing down my normal route as I call across the road to them (This is at 11:30 at night) "Those lights are disturbing people you know" and a couple of seconds later "So turn 'em off maybe?" One officer yelled to me "Quit yelling" and I just continued on my way. A couple of blocks down the road an officer rolls up and shines his spot light on me. He opens his door and I said to him "I haven't done anything wrong, I haven't broken any laws, I don't have to stop" and continued my jog. (I had been running for over 2 miles non-stop, not going to quit now) For some reason the officer got out to pursue me on foot, after about 20 yds or so I stopped. He caught up, grabbed me and put me in handcuffs, saying "You're going to jail." I was charged with Evading Arrest and spent the night in jail (wtf). Did I actually "evade arrest" or am I not at fault here?
The bond costed $1000, of which I had to pay $165 to go home the next day. Is there a way I can make all of this go away (I really don't want evading arrest on my record) and get a refund for the cost of the bond?
Update: It has been 16 days since my arrest and still no court date. The lawyers seem to be too expensive for me and not as confident as I would hope. I think I'm going to apply for indigent counsel. Thoughts? Update 2: I was arrested December 21. It is now February 7. I still have no court date.
**Update 1: Arrested on a jog for Evading arrest. (Cont.) Police Report in.**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/183gqo/arrested\_on\_a\_jog\_for\_evading\_arrest\_cont\_police/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/183gqo/arrested_on_a_jog_for_evading_arrest_cont_police/)
Overview: I was out on my usual timed 4 mile run when I saw bright cop lights from the end of the street I was on, .7 mi away. As I got closer I saw that there were 3 cops, all with their lights strobing. (The cops lights in my city are exceptionally well lit and hurt my eyes every time i see them) I turn at the street corner continuing down my normal route as I call across the road to them (This is at 11:30 at night) "Those lights are disturbing people you know" and a couple of seconds later "So turn 'em off maybe?" One officer yelled to me "Quit yelling" and I just continued on my way. A couple of blocks down the road an officer rolls up and shines his spot light on me. He opens his door and I said to him "I haven't done anything wrong, I haven't broken any laws, I don't have to stop" and continued my jog. (I had been running for over 2 miles non-stop, not going to quit now) For some reason the officer got out to pursue me on foot calling for me to stop about 3 or 4 times, to which i continued calling "I haven't done anything wrong" and "I haven't broken any laws", after about 20 yds or so I stopped. He caught up, grabbed me and put me in handcuffs, saying "You're going to jail." I was charged with Evading Arrest and spent the night in jail (wtf). Did I actually "evade arrest" or am I not at fault here? The bond costed $1000, of which I had to pay $165 to go home the next day. Is there a way I can make all of this go away (I really don't want evading arrest on my record) and get a refund for the cost of the bond? Update: It has been 16 days since my arrest and still no court date. The lawyers seem to be too expensive for me and not as confident as I would hope. I think I'm going to apply for indigent counsel. Thoughts? Update 2: I was arrested December 21. It is now February 7. I still have no court date.
Diagram of Encounter: Running up to the corner, I see 3 cops parked perpendicular to the street I was on. (Next to the curb on the street I was turning on ((still across the street))) The officers were not in the house, but out at their cars, I dont remember seeing any suspects, though there could have been a few.
[House] [BPDcar] [Officers] [BPDcar] [BPDcar]
______________________"stop yelling"(comment 3) __________
street
__comment1___>_____My path_______________comment2>
|
|
Here is the newly acquired police report. On the reported date and time, Officer Garrett-391 responded to the 900 blk of SW Hillside. Dr. at the request of Officer Pilgrim-384. Officer Pilgrim-384 was conducting an investigation in the 700 blk of SW Hillside and he advised a w/m wearing sweat pants and glasses ran through their investigation and yelled at them. The w/m was advised to stop disturbing the peace and move along at which he yelled at them again before running off. Officer Pilgrim-384 requested Officer Garrett-391 stop the subject and identify him. The w/m was located in the 900 blk of SW Hillside. Dr. Officer Garrett-391 positioned his patrol vehicle infront of the w/m and placed the spotlight on him. The officer then exited the patrol vehicle and said, "Police. Stop." The subject said "no." and kept running. Officer Garrett-391 chased after the suspect on foot for approximately 30 yards before catching him. While running, the officer gave commands for the suspect to "stop" approximately four more times. Each time a command was given, the w/m acknowledged with some statement about how he did not have to because he had not broken a law. The w/m refused to give the officer his name and birthday until they were at the Burleson Jail. At that point he was identified as Alex. (OP)
Useful Information: Florida v. Royer, 460 U.S. 491 (1983). The person approached, however, need not answer any questions put to him; indeed, he may decline to listen to the questions at all and may go on his way. He may not be detained even momentarily without reasonable, objective grounds for doing so; and his refusal to listen or answer does not, without more, furnish those grounds.
​
# Update 3: Arrested on a jog for Evading. (Final Report)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/1980f3/arrested\_on\_a\_jog\_for\_evading\_final\_report/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/1980f3/arrested_on_a_jog_for_evading_final_report/)
Original post: [http://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/156ey3/if\_a\_police\_officer\_stops\_you\_for\_no\_reason\_do/](http://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/156ey3/if_a_police_officer_stops_you_for_no_reason_do/) Second Post: [http://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/183gqo/arrested\_on\_a\_jog\_for\_evading\_arrest\_cont\_police/](http://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/183gqo/arrested_on_a_jog_for_evading_arrest_cont_police/)
I went to court this morning with my lawyer, my case was dismissed with hardly a glance at it. Everything went great! Thanks for all of the advice and motivating words! If I ever need help again, I know where to come! :) | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ojjz38/if_a_police_officer_stops_you_for_no_reason_do/ | ojjz38 | 7,474 | 593 | [
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2021-07-14T03:04:46 | Husband steals money from joint account intended for a medical procedure to reduce pain after giving birth. MIL is furious at husband, but OP's mom isn't . . . | AITA | ​
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hzr160/aita_for_being_angry_at_my_husband_for_spending/)
# AITA for being angry at my husband for spending my tummy tuck money
[**Not the A-hole**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/search?q=flair_name%3A%22Not%20the%20A-hole%22&restrict_sr=1)
Repost, sorry if you read this already
My husband (37) and I (35) have been together for just over 11 years. We have 3 beautiful children. Before we were engaged we talked about having babies. I said I always wanted to be a mom BUT I will be getting the "mommy makeover package" after I'm done. This is a tummy tuck and possible breast lift. I was very clear that I would want us to start saving as soon as I was pregnant with the first baby.
First pregnancy hits, and it hits hard and true to our promise, we start saving. After my first child was born we found out my abdominal muscles had separated and needed to be repaired surgically. This is essential a tummy tuck. Since giving birth to my first I have experienced horrible back pain and back spasms due to the seperation, but we wait and had 2 more babies
My youngest is now almost 1 year old so I brought up the surgery to my husband. He asked me if I was sure I wanted the surgery. Lol yes, I am VERY SURE. He asks me why I want it, which I found insane since I have been talking about it for 8 years straight. I told him 1. I look pregnant all the time due to the seperation and I hate it. It makes me feel awful and sad and 2. The pain was getting unbearable (even with therapy).
Well he tells me I'm being very vain and that he doesn't think I should have it, he completely ignored the pain part. I start to get confused and ask to see the account where it's being saved (to clarify, we are both on this account but it was never linked to my online banking. I saw the balance last month at 15k). He became silent and left the house. I was very very confused so I called up the bank. They told me the account had under 1k left.
I burst into hysterical tears and call my husband. He answered and didn't say anything. I unload on him about being betrayed by the person I trust the most in the world and ask where the hell the money went. He said he was under a lot of stress with the kids (I am a SAHM and do EVERYTHING) so he wanted to treat himself and bought a computer for his office.
I told him not to come home and he hasn't yet.The thing is, he is an excellent daddy and husband and this is very out of the blue. It has made me so upset that I texted him I wanted a divorce since I seem to not matter. He texted me back saying no divorce but it was his money anyway. This has damaged us to a level I never thought we could get to.
My MIL called me and told me to kick him out but my own family (especially mother) is saying she's very disappointed in me and thinks I am vain and shallow. I just want to look normal and play with my babies with no pain
AITA?
Edit to add: he said he thought I didn't want it anymore since I haven't talked about it in a few months and he thought I'd never realize. And he has seen me struggle with the pain for years and has taken me to every therapy appointment.
Also the money wan transferred to his sole account (I have one too, for "fun money". We transfer the equal amounts to each of us when we can). I cannot see the transactions after the transfer
*EDIT* reading the comments after only 30 mins of this post being up has made me realize what an idiot I am. Thank you everyone for educating me on computers and prices. I guess that's it.
EDIT: he texted me "I am so sorry honey. I lost my mind for no reason at all. When I married you I said in sickness and in health and I broke that promise. The money is sitting in my account atill and i will move it back tomorrow morning as soon as i can. We talked about the recovery time for surgey and the time I needed to take off to watch the kids and run the house. It has made me panic a great deal so I moved it thinking you wouldn't mind me spending it and we just save up again. I did it out of panic and frustrations and did not expect you to find out so soon. I planned on returning it and telling you what I did and why. I understand if you want a divorce and to leave me behing. I am staying with Nathaniel tonight sweetheart. Rest and I will fix it all tomorrow i promise you. You will have the surgery you wanted. I am a selfish stupid man and I hope you can forgive me"
For the first time in my relationship with this man, I don't believe a fking word he wrote. He always told me I had it easy not working and now he's saying he can't handle a week in my shoes??? I feel ice cold towards my husband and it is a sick feeling. My dad and aunt (police officer) are coming to stay the night. I will think long and hard about this relationship and everything I read here. Thank you everyone. I think that concludes this post
[Second Update (missed the first post)](https://www.reddit.com/user/angrymomtummytuck/comments/i2ap8s/update_aita_for_being_angry_at_my_husband_for/)
Hi everyone. Before I update I just wanted to sincerely thank everyone who messaged with with support and advice. I could not believe it and felt so understood and not alone ❤️. People don't understand how isolating being a stay at home parent can really be. Especially when you're used to working an office job with lots of co-workers/friends. Staying home plus the pandemic had me feeling a bit crazy lol.
For the update: I got the money back the same day. It's sitting in my SOLE account ready to go! Thank you to everyone who messaged me with information about the procedure. It was so stinking helpful, I now how a realistic timeline set and realistic understanding about recovery.
Now. As I was reading and replying to comments I was getting more and more engrossed in my anger. When my dad arrived I think he saw I was turning absolutely rabid. He took my phone, turned it off and told me to take a minute and breathe. I sat for hours thinking about what everyone said and finally realized how out of character this was and that something was deeply wrong. I finally went to sleep. Around 3am I woke up grabbed my phone and told my husband to get his ass home.
When he arrived he walked in straight for me and hugged me. We hugged for a good 5 minutes. After that he apologized and we both cried. When he finally gave his side of the story I was dumbfounded. He said he took the money because 1. He was afraid that I was going to get seriously injured and die during the surgery and be alone. 2. That I would be way out of his league afterwards and leave him 3. That I'd see what a crappy husband and father he was when he had to run the household and that our kids would love him less. All in all he had a big mental breakdown.
I understood where he was coming from but I was, and still am, royally pissed off. I told him if he needed surgery for his back one day (very possible) and was in a LOT of pain how would he feel if I said he couldn't have it because of insert flimsy selfish excuses that have nothing to do with him???. He didn't have an answer for that and just kept apologizing. I told him I would be contacting my old friends from work and looking for a job to make my OWN money since what he earns is apparently HIS. He broke down in tears again after that but I was too angry again to address it.
I told him to log into his banking right now or I would never trust him again. We logged in and he printed out the last year's worth of transactions. I recognized 90 percent of them. The rest was random Amazon, Walmart, Playstation and so on purchases. I told him to log into his credit history profile. He only has our joint accounts and his sole account. My mind was put to ease.
The next day I contacted my old firm and was surprised to find out my friend was the senior manager of the department (I trained him!). We chatted for a bit and he said if I get my certifications up to date by the end of the year he would have a role for me by early/mid 2021. I used to be a forensic accountant back in the day and I loved my job. I am very excited about this possibility. After I told my husband he was very sad. He told me he wants to get a postnup where it says if we divorce I would get more than 50 percent of all assets (everything is in our joint names). He said he couldn't ever make it up to me but he hopes that would give me the piece of mind to choose to go back to work or continue staying home. I'll have to think about it. As a side note, my salary would be higher than his again and I am currently taking great joy in telling him all the things I can do with MY money (petty, I know lol. I'm working on it)
We have a lot of work to do for our marriage now but I'm happy to report we aren't divorcing anytime soon. He is profoundly sorry and I am slowly accepting it. I do regress here and there, admittedly. We are signed up for couples therapy in a few weeks time. I can't picture my life without his stupid face in it so I am hoping for the best.
Thank you Reddit for all your support and love
Satisfying edit: forgot to mention that my mother showed up on the night we were fighting (to apparently scold me, I guess) but my dad opened the door and tore into her. I did not know this but my mother has had a few procedures done. My aunt and dad told her off good and she left screaming like a banshee. We haven't spoken since and I think I'll be taking some space from her.
[Most Recent Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ojt4oe/update_aita_for_being_angry_at_my_husband_for/)
\[UPDATE\] AITA for being angry at my husband for stealing my tummy tuck money
Hi all,
It's been about a year since I posted on AITA. A lot of people gave advice on therapy and that the shock would wear off and I would need it. Y'all were right and I'm so thankful I listened about therapy.
Update:
I ended up getting that tummy tuck and muscle repair.
For the recovery my dad and my MIL were at my side almost 24/7 for 5 entire weeks. I slept on a recliner the entire time so we barely spent time together. He really didn't do much for me or have any sympathy for the pain I was in.
Weeks after recovery, I felt like a new person in NO pain. I kept thinking how my husband tried to take that away from me due to his own insecurities. I went to therapy at night and realized I needed to not rely on him for a while. I heavily considered divorce. I wanted to talk about my feelings and how I felt so betrayed.
30 seconds into the conversation he told me "what's done is done if you don't like it let's divorce because I can't go through this again"
I said.... alright.
I felt completely calm. I felt nothing. I was done. I hired a divorce lawyer within a week and we are officially separated. We kept things very very civil. We signed an agreement to 50/50 everything. No child support, no spousal support, nothing. We sold the house and split the earnings. He purchased a smaller but very nice house a few streets over. We work hard to keep our kids happy and I have talked strategies with my therapist.
On our last day sorting the house he wished me luck with job hunting and said he was surprised I didn't want more than 50 percent. He said I wouldn't have a hard time finding another man to take care of me??? I barely recognized him and it was scary.
The thing is, I reached out to my good friend and got a job back in my old field (forensic accounting). It has some new twists and responsibilities that I actually ended up loving and am VERY good at. I actually can't be too specific due to my security clearance. This job is ridiculously grueling and not a lot of people want to do it or have the insight/stamina to do it. The point is, my salary is about 3 times my husband's. And I, in fact, told him so on the spot. I also told him I planned on buying the biggest/nicest house for sale in our neighborhood soon and was thrilled.
I also informed him that no, I wouldn't have a hard time finding a better man. I guess he forgot who he married✌🏻
Thanks everyone
Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and support, it means I much. I can't even describe it. I'm seriously sitting on my new expensive couch crying into my cashmere blanket 😭❤️
eta: thanks to u/treesandraves for pointing me to the 2nd update! | Totalherenow | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ojvgst/husband_steals_money_from_joint_account_intended/ | ojvgst | 12,350 | 1,280 | [
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2021-07-14T03:47:48 | Anyone feel like having a cry?? - "35 year old Dad diagnosed with a terminal illness. How do I tell my 4 year old little girl?" /r/parenting | Parenting | ***Original:*** [***35 year old Dad diagnosed with a terminal illness. How do I tell my 4 year old little girl?***](https://np.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/6861wn/35_year_old_dad_diagnosed_with_a_terminal_illness/) ***Posted in*** /r/Parenting
I'm not looking for sympathy, but for insight on how I can tell my daughter I'm going to die.
I was diagnosed with a disease that's given me an expiration date. While the doctors haven't been able to give me any actual time line their best guess is two years max.
I've come to terms with this. I've always known living forever wasn't possible and to be honest, another younger me would of welcomed it with open arms. But all that changed when my daughter came into the world.
I'll save the dad rant because every father is suppose to know their daughter is one of the most important things for them to ever have in their lives and vice versa (IMO). I love this girl with everything I am and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt her and everytime I try to say anything to her or my ex.. that's what I feel like I'm doing.
Ex knows something's up but isn't pushing it because she knows that pushing makes me push back harder. Money won't be an issue after I'm gone for various reasons I don't feel comfortable with sharing online so I'll know they'll never go without.
But how do I tell her?How can I tell my little girl daddy's going away?How the hell am I going to break her heart like that?
I don't really know what to expect posting this. My counciler hasn't been much help with this part.
Any prayers or things like that I ask that you keep for someone you love and please.. If you have a father, call them and tell them you love him.
tl;dr:how do I break my little girls heart?
***Update:*** [***\[Update\] 35 year old Dad diagnosed with a terminal illness. How do I tell my 4 year old little girl?***](https://np.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/76x0q4/update35_year_old_dad_diagnosed_with_a_terminal/) ***Posted in*** /r/Parenting ***by OP's wife.***
I want you all to know that I had no idea Scott made this post. He loved our daughter and being a dad since It came easy to him. He died in his sleep in his and I got this email with the account and the request to post this saying he couldn't himself.
Thank you all for your kind words. Thank you all for being a caring community.
\[Update\]
Hey folks! I want to thank everyone who commented or pm'd me from my original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/6861wn/35_year_old_dad_diagnosed_with_a_terminal_illness/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=user&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=frontpage) I thought you could use an update as to what I did.
The first three months were amazing!! I spent every moment with her she's learning so much so fast!! We played, took pictues and made stupid little home movies. We painted and coloured for almost a week straight!! I spent it with her making memories so she'll remember as I was.I emailed the address I made for her several times.a day. Just stories of me when I was a stupid kid, fathrely advice, pictures of us, stuff like that.
I recorded myself reading the Harry Potter books.
I bought 16 years worth of Christmas/birthday cards and presents. They're all at my bank and will be released for her when it's the time.
I bought 3 bottles of wine that were bottled on her birthday. One for her graduation, one for her wedding,and one for when she has her first child.
I'd like to thank all that commented or pm'd me. Your all loved and I hope that you can read the words if a dead man and grant me one last request. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Good bye internet.Good bye Monkey. I'll always love you.
***(OP's wife)*** Making an edit:
I logged in this morning and am moved by your kind words. I hope the message he shared is taken to heart and you tell someone you love how much you care.
I've gotten PM's from several kind hearted people asking if there was a way to donate to help our daughter and, while appreciated, there's no need. She'll never be without. Please, if you want to do something kind then donate your time at your local shelter to help those less fortunate feel like they are loved, or to any cancer research charty so we can stop this from happening to other families.
We love you all and please let your hearts be open to nothing but love. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ojw5ri/anyone_feel_like_having_a_cry_35_year_old_dad/ | ojw5ri | 4,385 | 341 | [
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2021-07-14T20:26:16 | Being nice is better than being right sometimes. OP is bi and his girlfriend's parents are coming to visit - she asked him to take his pride flag down. He didn't want to. Update is sweet. | AITA | This is a repost. Original post by [u/NoNeighborhood4504](https://www.reddit.com/user/NoNeighborhood4504/) in r/AmItheAsshole
[AITA for not wanting to take down my rainbow flag?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nct9hn/aita_for_not_wanting_to_take_down_my_rainbow_flag/)
My Girlfriend's parents are visiting us for the first time. I am bi and I have a rainbow flag! it is cute and I love it as it took a long time to come to terms with the fact that I liked men too and even more time to be in a place where I could come out.
She wants me to take it down while her parents visit. We have met a few times before but I haven't really talked about it and they have assumed I am straight. She wants me to take it down so as to prevent avoidable conflict. She understands that her parents are in the wrong but she just wants me to pull it down. it is just a flag and it is not like it has any impact on my life.
I am being stubborn here. It wouldn't really hurt me to take down the flag. I know I am running the risk of ruining the evening by not taking it down. I feel, I am being insecure here, and I should just pretend to be straight for one more night. She misses her parents and I feel like I am being too stubborn about it.
\-------------------------
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ok7imr/update_aita_for_not_wanting_to_take_down_my/)
I took the advice given to me and held firm in not taking done the flag but what happened was the the closer her parents' visit got the more stressed out she got. I couldn't really watch her be this upset when I could do something about it. I took it down. I told her I did because I loved her but we will have to talk about this later. She seemed extremely relieved.
The visit was okay but she was still stressed out and zoned out for the dinner. she blamed it on work stress. I dropped the subject . I knew there was something there that she was not telling me and I needed to give her time to process it herself.
This week she told she had feelings for girls too and that she had been caught making out with her girlfriend in highschool. That year had been hell for her. she had been threatened with one of those camps and she had to lie and throw herself back deep into the closet to survive high school.
She cried a lot when she was telling me this. It must have been very traumatizing experience. She also told me she feels incredibly ashamed of not coming out sooner and yeah. Those dipshit has done a number on her. She apologized for exposing me to them.
We have a lot to talk about and discuss but yeah. I feeling happy she felt comfortable enough to come out to me. I feel she wanted to date someone in the alphabet mafia so that she knew she would be supported when she wanted to come out. I love her. we have a lot to work through and I am not really interested in putting up with her parents ever again. They can fuck right off. She is planning on getting therapy. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/okcv21/being_nice_is_better_than_being_right_sometimes/ | okcv21 | 2,980 | 1,012 | [
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2021-07-15T20:01:10 | AITA for donating baby stuff intended for my SIL's baby? | AITA | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kt05bz/aita_for_donating_baby_stuff_intended_for_my_sils/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
AITA for donating baby stuff intended for my SIL's baby?
A small clarification:
Apparently my SIL became a born-again Christian when she moved to my MIL's house. An acquaintance told us that she basically believed this baby was a sign from God to change her ways, warn everyone against sin and becoming sinners. All the power to her for her beliefs, I just didn't expect her to deem us sinners.
My (34F) wife (36F) and I have been together for over 7 years and had been trying to conceive via IVF and sperm banks for the last 3 years.
My wife originally wanted to be the one to carry our child but after 2 failed IVF attempts, I tried the treatment. We got no luck and both had to suffer the consequences of miscarriages. This was a traumatic time for us and we finally decided to adopt last year.
Unfortunately, there is a bias against same-sex couples from adopting and fostering so we always had a hard time talking to the agency. We were open to fostering and were going to give it a try.
During this time, my SIL fell pregnant with a one night stand and when we were talking about adoption and foster parenting, she approached us and told us that she wanted to give birth because of religious reasons but had no desire to be a single parent. She asked whether we would consider adopting her child.
My wife was ecstatic and so was I. I brought up the possibility of a written contract but my wife told me she trusted her sister.
We paid for every pregnancy related expenses my SIL had. The doctor appointments, genetic tests she requested, lab works, ultrasounds, her random cravings at 3 am. We even paid her rent for the third trimester. She decided on C-section because she was scared so we paid for the delivery and the hospital stay.
Just after she gave birth, we came to visit her to talk about the rights transfering to us. She told us that she was keeping the baby and wasn't giving it to us because she didn't believe we were ready for a baby yet.
My wife was DEVASTATED. She cried herself to sleep for several days because we put the adoption on hold and had everything ready for the baby to come. Her nursery was ready and my wife painted the walls herself.
We understood that SIL probably felt the maternal instincts kicking in and decided to give every thing we purchased for the baby to her because she was a single mom with no ready needs. We also decided to pay the remainder of the birth expenses as a gift to her. My wife insisted that she needed all the help she could get for her new baby.
A few days after the incident, I went to my MIL's house and this is where my SIL currently lives. She was on the phone probanly talking to a friend of mine and when I heard the baby mentioned, I eavesdropped. I shouldn't have done it but I couldn't help myself.
She was talking to her friend about how she knew from the beginning that she wasn't going to give the baby to us "sinners" and that her sister was an idiot to think that she would allow her baby to be brainwashed by us.
I was honestly shocked. My SIL was never really close to me personally but my wife always thought she was her best friend. I never knew that she was against our marriage because she never voiced her opinion about it.
Here's where I may be TA; I left my MIL's house and got home, got everything I could fit inside our SUV and donated it to the homeless shelter. I made 3 trips in total to give everything away. I was honestly so mad.
My wife came home to an empty room and asked me what was going on. I told her the whole story. While she was shocked at her sister's reactions, she told me that I had no right to give away the baby stuff and that her sister really needed it. I couldn't understand how after what she said about her, my wife would still protect her.
Well, my SIL found out and all hell broke loose. She berated me on how she was a single mom to a baby now, how she needed these things, how she didn't prepare for the baby's arrival because she depended on us. I told her to kick rocks. After spending over 10K on her expenses, I was beyond frustrated to allow her to continue. She told me that these things were meant for this baby and I was wrong for giving her things away.
My MIL has called my wife to tell her how selfish I was for my actions and that we should at least help SIL with upcoming expenses because my MIL is on a fixed income unable to help and SIL wants to focus on raising the baby rather than working.
From my understanding, we owe her nothing and we have already helped her tremendously but my wife feels incredibly guilty and wants me to help a new mom. I understand that she is in a bad place but how she acted is way beyond what I'm comfortable with dealing. Although I also feel incredibly bad because I may have put the baby in a bad situation. I am stsrting to think maybe I was the asshole to donate the stuff meant for the baby.
So Reddit, am I the asshole for not wanting to help my SIL with her baby expenses and for donating the stuff meant for her baby?
EDIT:
Thank you guys for your kind responses. Some of your answers really made me think about how I should approach the topic. I will apologize to my wife because I didn't have her approval getting rid of things that were also hers, I didn't consider her feelings. I will also discuss the option of therapy with her. This all feels surreal and I will be taking a while to digest some of the responses and think back on everything.
Also a huge thanks to some of you guys suggesting to look at LGBT friendly adoption centers, I can't believe we didn't think to google that! The adoption topic will be on hold while we process all of the events but thanks for giving us hope.
I will probably post an update after things have settled and I am no longer angry/confused. Thank you for now.
[Update 6 months later ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o45jvd/update_aita_for_donating_baby_stuff_meant_for_my/)
Hello guys, it's been a while. I have been dealing with my heartache and decided to log off Reddit. Just the mere thought of the baby girl made me cry continuously. I have been going to therapy and I am feeling much better although some sadness is still there. My therapist actually helped me understand this situation was out of my control and I shouldn't be blamed for it all. She agreed that the donating without telling my wife was wrong but it is a minor mistake in such a huge mess.
This is unfortunately not a happy update because my wife and I's relationship had taken a toll and we decided to separate. We are still friends but our relationship ending is still hurting me.
A happy thing that came out of this was I was able to adopt a tripod stray from Turkey. He had survived Parvovirus and is the sweetest dog I have ever been in contact with. Our bond is what's keeping me happy and healthy through this situation.
My ex-wife finally got in contact with her sister after our split and I got the pictures of the baby. She is an angel and she is smiling constantly from what I hear. I asked my ex-wife to not send me any photos of her for a while because I am still in the process of healing.
Thank you, all of you. I truly felt so appreciated as I read through your comments. I actually showed them to my therapist and she was amazed at the support. She believes that all of this support and my friends have really helped me in the healing process with therapy.
I have forgiven my SIL and I bear no ill wishes towards her. This does not mean that I will probably ever be in contact with her but I needed to forgive her to move on.
If you are able to, please donate to either a charity for less unfortunate kids or animals. They are truly the most innocent beings that deserve all the support they can get. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ol0o89/aita_for_donating_baby_stuff_intended_for_my_sils/ | ol0o89 | 7,957 | 748 | [
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2021-07-15T20:39:15 | Girls Parents Want Her To Buy Her Own Shoes | AITA | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o1oskn/aita_for_expecting_my_parents_to_buy_me_new_shoes/)
AITA for expecting my parents to buy me new shoes?
I am a 14F in an upper middle class home. My family recently booked a trip to Disneyworld/Universal studios for me and my little sisters birthday coming up in July because we both made straight A’s.
They did shell out a lot of money but, not enough to break the bank, I planned the trip and found a lot of great deals and loopholes for us to save money.
Since we are going I need some new walking shoes as Disney is HUGE and I don’t really have any good for that. Now i’m not saying I NEED new shoes but the closest thing I have to good walking shoes is my vans.
Today I asked my dad if we could go shoe shopping for the trip. He asked if I had enough money and I was confused and asked why he wouldn’t pay. He said I have plenty enough to pay for them myself.
For context my Godfather sends me 100 dollars a month for good grades but, he doesn’t send it during the summer.
Now this money isn’t for me to keep/save, he really wouldn’t even send it if I didn’t spend it. So i don’t have a lot of bank funds at my disposal besides my savings account but I don’t touch that.
I was kinda upset he expected me to pay because this morning he also expected me to pay for me and my little sisters breakfast and he probably would’ve told me to if I’d had my card on me.
I told him I didn’t want to go shopping anymore and he said it’s because I wouldn’t be spending any of his his money, which i mean i guess is true.
I told my grandma about it and she said it was unreasonable that a 14 year old pay for her own shoes but, my mom disagrees and says my dad is right.
AITA?
Edit:
I'm getting a lot of posts about the amount of shoes I have, and I see a lot of your guys point. Most of my shoes cost about 15 bucks from Ross or target they aren't expensive shoes for the most part. I feel like I should clarify my situation also, this isn't about budgeting as my parents would've mentioned that or told me when I asked.
Second off, I don't live with my parents. I live with my grandma. My parents don't buy me things, and I rarely see them. My grandma buys a majority of my things for me, which is why I valued her opinion over my parents. I understand how expensive Disney is I hear a lot of your criticisms but, they don't really have kids. My grandma has kids. This trip is honestly the only family thing we've done in years and I'm sorry for being spoiled since it is a lot of money. But I'm not spoiled by my parents. I didn't think this information was too necessary but I thought I should clarify.
Edit 2:
I do understand a lot of your criticisms but, please don't curse at me in the comments. I'm sorry for being a bratty kid in your opinion but please, see Rule 1 and be civil.
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o4c018/update_aita_for_expecting_my_parents_to_buy_me/)
So I took a commenters advice and talked to my dad about how I was sorry about the way I reacted and I still wanted to go shopping with him. I explained what I wanted to get and his demeanor changed immediately and it was all a big misunderstanding.
A few weeks ago I told him I was looking at a pair of Jordans, and he assumed I was talking about those which is why he didn’t really want to buy them.
I explained that I wanted to buy walking shoes, and he was totally fine with it and we are going to hang out today too!
It’s been so long (like 3 months) since we’ve had a “Daddy-Daughter-Day” and I am so excited! We are going to eat at this new restaurant and then go to the mall together.
Thank you so much for all of your comments, you’ve helped me so much!
Thanks Again!
Edit: we had a great time! i ended up getting two pairs of shoes, one of skechers and one nike since the two were on sale at the outlet we went to! had a great day, and spent some fun time with my dad! we went and got juice from this stand at the mall, got chipotle, and picked out something for my little sister too and got her some birthday gifts!
we got her an american girl doll, a science kit, some clothes, and a little closet for her doll! she had a great birthday and i was glad i got to pick those things out with my dad. he had a good father’s day too! we got him so new headphones and this fancy workout thing he wanted. thank you for the awards and sweet comments! | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ol1fgc/girls_parents_want_her_to_buy_her_own_shoes/ | ol1fgc | 4,457 | 413 | [
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2021-07-15T20:55:14 | OP's Friend’s Daughter Uses OP's Baby To Play A Prank | AITA | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l6s802/aita_for_not_letting_my_friends_daughter_come/)
AITA For Not Letting My Friend’s Daughter Come Over After Her Disturbing ‘Prank’?
Long time Lurker of Reddit and watching Reddit Stories on YouTube! I feel somewhat stoked about a first time post.
I (F29) had my son 3 weeks ago. Baby daddy isn’t in the picture and I live on my own. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes during the pregnancy and I have anaemia, I’m also feeling crap from giving birth. My Best Friend Beth (F38) has been coming over every day or so to help me around the house. She’s the only person who I make contact with (I know,, lockdown sorry! But I can’t do this on my own!)
She brings over her daughter Alex (F12) too and she’ll have fun with my son. Tuesday they came over and Alex was smiling at her phone. Beth and I asked if it was a boyfriend and she said no, she was pranking her friend. She came over to us and showed us her conversation with her online friend. Basically she was saying she was pregnant! Surprise! And showed pictures of MY son??
Alex went into detail about how the pregnancy was rough before saying ‘just kidding’ and it was somewhat mortifying. I bit my tongue and the evening ran smoothly. Yesterday Beth was coming over again and I told her over text not to bring Alex. She asked why and I said it was because I was uncomfortable from what Alex did and I just wanted a little break.
Beth said that ‘I don’t have the right to lecture her about Alex anymore because I’m not her teacher’ (I taught Alex in Year 6- it’s how me and Beth met, as her primary school teacher.) and that ‘you’d think now that I have my own kid I could stop trying to parent hers’. I’m not telling Beth to punish Alex, I just didn’t want her over today because her prank had made me upset.
Beth came without Alex and was silent the entire time. She did everything she needed to and was out my house in 15 minutes- she usually stays for an hour or so. Reddit, I feel like such a jerk. I’ve taught Alex and I know she’s a great kid- she didn’t mean harm.
Am I the asshole?
EDIT: I’m uncomfortable about what Alex said, not about the pictures. I wasn’t comfortable about her showing my baby’s pictures to a stranger, but what irked me the most was how she went into detail about the pregnancy. She said about how ‘she was in hospital a lot’ and ‘was in and out for a few weeks’ and how ‘the pregnancy was rough’ and she wasn’t sure of whether he was going to make it.
I don’t hold this above Alex and I won’t hate her for this. I just needed a day’s break from her, but she’s always welcome to come again.
[Update 5 months later ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ocujkw/update_aita_for_not_letting_my_friends_daughter/)
I’m back again with a not so great update. First off, I still have gestational diabetes and anaemia. And I’m here to update you all on my issue. Please read my earlier post for full details.
Beth called me later in the day after visiting me, she no longer wanted to help me with my needs as a new mother and I respected it. She then told me she wanted a break from our friendship and I was heartbroken. Once she finished, I started crying and I apologised profusely for what I said about Alex, to which she asked if i really meant it and I said yes. She then changed her mind and began helping me again on the premises that I apologised directly to Alex.
I agreed, and I apologised the next day she came over, and she accepted it.
What you all told me about PPD (Post-Partum Depression) got me thinking, and I mulled it over for a week before mentioning it to Beth. She consoled me as I cried, telling her how upset I’ve been and she gave me her friend’s number, who is a psychiatrist working for the NHS. I spoke to her friend and almost immediately got me booked for therapy. 3 months ago I was diagnosed with PPD and PTSD as a SA Survivor, something I had never realised until talking about it.
I’ve been really weak and frail, still not fully recovered from birth and my mental health has been horrendous, but stable. After my diagnosis I moved in with my mum because I’m no longer fit to live on my own, and Beth comes to visit every few days to take the work load off my mum. My son is doing wonderful and is so smart. He’s 6 months old now and the ray of sunshine that keeps me going. I’m slowly piecing myself back together, and thank you all for helping my development. My emotional status was so bad a few months ago that if it wasn’t for Reddit opening my eyes I don’t think I’d be here now. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ol1qw5/ops_friends_daughter_uses_ops_baby_to_play_a_prank/ | ol1qw5 | 4,616 | 358 | [
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2021-07-15T22:56:09 | One of the players is ruining the game for everyone else. How can the DM tactfully tell him to GTFO? (from r/DnD) | r/DnD | This is a repost. I am not the OP. Originally posted to r/DnD by u/dysonsphere87
__Tactful way to kick someone out of a group?__
I am rolling with my first group as a DM. It's an evil group and I put a lot of effort into the story. I've been writing it out for the better part of a year. I finally found a friend group who can commit weekly to playing. It consists of my brother, a couple of close friends, and my brother's father in law, as well as my brother's best friend.
The situation is tricky, because my brother's father in law is causing some group friction. He's not an asshole, or at least he teeters the line really close, and he's not harassing anyone or anything major like that. He is the groups' rogue. He's played DND for 20+ years and has, according to my brother, only ever rolled rogues. Always the same rogue, too.
Series of events that are leading me to think he may not be a good fit:
* He seems to be set on playing a "good" character even though we're an evil group. He argues with evil decisions constantly, and I punish the group for that because the setting is full of rogues, thieves, and ruffians. He constantly discourages them from harming NPCs, and has even offered groups' resources to NPCs that later end up robbing them
* Seems to think he's the protagonist. Before we even had our first session, during the character creation phase, he PMed me that he wanted his own story arc which I thought was odd. I threw him a bone or two, but he's hell-bent on pushing the group to follow his specific story. He has no issues going on a 30 minute long solo adventure, but if another player wants to walk outside of the tavern and smoke, or something, he immediately jumps on them and says how the party shouldn't split up.
* He argues with me in battle a lot. Not "asshole" arguing. More like he has been playing DND for a long time, incorrectly (with how he utilizes his skills and calculates damage. For example he was trying to claim doing over 90 damage as a level 2 rogue). His arguments in battle have caused his turns to take up to 25 minutes whereas everyone else takes between 10 seconds, and 2 minutes. He will turn a battle I was expecting to take 15 minutes into an hour long endeavor and the whole night becomes a wash. This is actually the main point the group complained to me (all individually) about, that needs to be fixed, or they quit.
* Outside of battles he is just kind of an attention whore. He goes on long tirades often. They bore the rest of the group to the point that I'm really the only person who knows what's going on with his character because they tend to step away, or start browsing the web when he goes on these
* Latest situation that has made me really think he's not a good fit: I have an NPC I created who is an untrustworthy rogue. I have made this blatantly obvious. The group has wanted to "off" the NPC multiple times, as it's an evil campaign. This guy is obsessed with helping this NPC, and taking him along everywhere. It got to the point where the NPC actually stole a large portion of the groups' goods overnight, and when the group found him, the person in question wouldn't let them kill said NPC.
A couple of members PM'd me that "they want to off the NPC overnight while <rogue> is asleep to expedite things, and throw the body in the ocean". After the "long rest" the rogue starts looking for said NPC, and then starts trying to deter the adventure towards a search and rescue for the NPC that just robbed them blind, in their evil party.
I've thought about just killing him off with random bullshit and not allowing him to reroll.
I've thought about just telling him we decided not to continue the game, but then actually continuing it without him (but he'd see us on tabletop simulator)
Brother has talked to him and he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and won't change his attitude.
It's a weird situation because he's technically family. What would you do?
.
__UPDATE:__
I had a talk with the guy in question shortly after posting that and absorbing the comments.
I basically laid out a few points that were requirements for him going forward:
* I said he needs to play his alignment without impeding on the groups' ability to play their own alignment which would have meant that he could be "good", but less trying to dictate what everyone else does (he would commonly shame "evil" decisions, and patronize players for making them). I also mentioned on this point that the campaign is evil, and the setting is evil (the geography, etc). There are dark forces at play, and the island they are currently on would have very few "lawful good" NPCs. So playing "good" would be hard-mode, and likely very punishing with me as the DM here.
* I said the other option is that he plays evil. I explained to him that giving NPCs money, and allowing rogueish villains to live is going to be punishing in my campaign.
* I explained that he needs to 100% stop patronizing others' choices, and play in the moment. Also no more "feeling out every option" in combat, asking me "Can I _?" , "Oh, then can I _?" while looking for the optimal path. This was the biggest complaint from other members. They felt that any time they suggested something he'd talk over them, or shoot down their ideas, and a fear of communicating surfaced as most of the group are introverted individuals who aren't good with those kinds of conflicts.
* I explained that while I understand he wanted his own character arc, and I threw a small bone his way (gave him some NPCs that would interact with him based on his character's background) that the main story was not related to that, and that the rest of the group is not very interested in pursuing his personal character arc.
* I explained that my vote is the only vote that matters in how the story flows, how a roll is perceived, and what is allowed and isn't allowed. No more arguing with me every time he disagrees on how much damage he should have done, or if he was allowed to do something.
In a nutshell he did not take this well.
* He went on a tangent about how he's played longer than I've been alive (maybe true, but his main groups were 2e, and this was his first 5e game ever).
* He complained that from his perspective the other players were holding up the story, and that he was actually expediting things (this was really surprising to me).
* He told me he knows how rogue damage works, and that I'm gimping his character in combat.
* He also said that he was playing the game "intelligently evil" which I (nor anyone else) saw it that way. This was ridiculous to me because an example of his "intelligently evil" character was being robbed by a rogue NPC, catching the NPC with the group, and then trying to convince the group that the NPC was just a product of the "harsh conditions of the island" and to give him(npc) some of the gold and rations the group had.
* Went on a tangent about how another character (actually his SIL) gave a +1 rapier to the bard instead of him. When I mentioned that the character in question was not amicable with his own character, but was amicable with the bard, and that the decision to give the rapier was actually within character, he spouted on about how the team needs to be cohesive, and the rapier would have benefitted him more, etc..
Basically, we decided he wasn't going to be in the campaign going forward. He requested that I don't "kill off his character", and ascend his character to a high-ranking member of the local thieves guild and tap into its story.. I ended up just having him fall down some stairs to his death in the Inn.
The outcome of this was that we've had two sessions since, and they've been amazing. I saw the group express themselves in ways they hadn't before, because they had nobody patronizing their every decision. They turned a situation which would have been miserable with the groups' rogue into a fun entertaining situation (trying to scale a cliff). The combat flowed much better, and the group was more cooperative with each other and I think the increased communication and ability to reach a quorum in most cases is really helping them.
So I'm overall happy with the outcome here. | overflowingsewing | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ol40kk/one_of_the_players_is_ruining_the_game_for/ | ol40kk | 8,212 | 548 | [
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2021-07-16T06:15:48 | THERE'S AN UPDATE TO THE KEVIN STORY, how did I not know about this? Two years later /u/NoahtheRed lets us how Kevin is doing. /r/askreddit | AskReddit | *The Tale of Kevin is one of the great reddit stories, posted in this askreddit thread* [*Who's the dumbest person you've ever met?*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/219w2o/whos_the_dumbest_person_youve_ever_met/cgbhkwp/) *by* /u/NoahtheRed *about his student, Kevin. Two years after his original comment, he provides an update.*
[***Original***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/219w2o/whos_the_dumbest_person_youve_ever_met/cgbhkwp/)
It's not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve in certain aspects, but 99.99999% of the time they are keen on something. They might not understand how to identify a noun or what theme is, but they somehow know how to make a mean plate of nachos. You learn pretty quick to not judge fish for their tree climbing ability, ya know?
I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn't his real name, but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway. Kevin was a student of mine during my last year of teaching. He came to my classroom with very little to show for his academic past. He had moved a few times and thus was missing a lot of typical test scores that we use to try and ballpark their ability (Don't worry, it was a ballpark.....we didn't make major decisions until we actually had a chance to talk and work with a student for a bit.) I thought "That's fine. I'll just do some one-on-one with Kevin and see what's up" One on One with kevin was like conversing with someone who'd forgotten everything in a freak, if not impossible, amnesia incident. There was no evidence that he had learned anything past the 2nd grade....and now he was in 9th grade. Flabbergasted, I figured we needed to get more serious with this. If he was going to be in my class, I needed to know why and how.
I decided to meet with him, his guidance counselor, his parents, and another teacher to see what was really going on. This is where it all became clear. It was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn't been wiped off the face of the Earth years ago. Odds are his entire heritage was based on blind luck and some type of sick divine intervention that saves his family every time a threat presents itself. Kevin was the genetic pinnacle of this null achievement. Even my instructional lead, a woman who could find a redeeming trait in a Balrog, failed to see any reason this kid or his family should be alive today.
So here's a list of events that made it abundantly clear that god exists and he's laughing uncontrollably:
* Kevin frequently forgot when/where class was. On more than one occasion, I had to retrieve him from other classrooms.
* Kevin ate an entire 24 pack of crayons, puked, and then did it again the next day. This is 9th grade. I have no idea where he got crayons.
* Kevin's dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me...his English teacher. This was a public school. When I gave it back to Kevin, voided, to give to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school, Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at 711 after school.
* Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire....twice
* Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away. He ran into a door and insisted it wasn't him.
* Kevin stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it was ringing. (Not that it wasn't his, not that he did it.....no, he denied that the phone was actually ringing). He tried it three times before the end of the year.
* Kevin called the basketball coach a "Motherfucking Bitch" during gym. Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn't go well.
* Kevin's mom could never remember which school he went to. She missed several meetings because she drove to other schools (none of which he ever went to)
* Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game
* Kevin kept a bottle of orange koolaide in his backpack for about 4 months. He thought it would turn into alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and threw up.
* Kevin say the N-word a lot. Kevin was white. The highschool was 84% black. Kevin got beat up a lot.
* Kevin stole another student's Iphone....and tried to sell it back to them.
* Kevin didn't understand that his grade was dependent on tests, quizzes, homework, classwork, and participation. Kevin finished his first semester with a 3% average. He tried to bribe me with $11.
* Kevin spit on a girl and said "You should get out of those wet clothes". The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher.
* Kevin didn't know dogs and cats were different animals.
* Kevin tried to download porn onto a computer in the library.....at the circulation desk....while he was logged on.
* Kevin asked a girl to prom (he was in 9th grade and freshmen don't go to prom) by asking for her phone number and then texting her his address
* Kevin got gum in his hair, constantly.
* Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over, grabbing one before I had picked them all up, and then writing it name on it wherever there was room.
* Kevin had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember what they were. They were very concerned that "the holiday party" (it's high school, we don't have those) would have peanuts. When they finally got a doctor's note....he was allergic to amoxicillin
* Kevin and his parents took a trip to Nassau (how the fuck did they even get airline tickets?) and forgot all their luggage at home. I didn't believe him when he told me until I talked to him mom, who told me 1st thing when I saw her at the bi-weekly meeting.
* Kevin's grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other way that day.
[***Update:***](https://np.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/3dvdad/finally_bringing_home_this_little_guy/ctbmpn7/?context=3) /u/NoahtheRed ***answers questions from a fellow redditor in a thread on this*** [***post***](https://np.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/3dvdad/finally_bringing_home_this_little_guy/) ***on*** /r/aww
*Questions from* /u/Leash_Me_Blue\*:\*
* What do you do now, if you're not teaching?
* Did Kevin influence your decision on quitting teaching?
* Where do you think Kevin is right now? What is he doing?
* How many times do people ask you about that post a day?
* On days where the events mentioned on the post didn't happen, how did Kevin act?
*The reply:*
* I'm actually between jobs. After teaching, I went into software QA and test writing. Unfortunately, my position was eliminated in a buyout, so I'm "on the hunt". Fortunately, I just had an interview for a very awesome Product Manager position with a web company, so things are going well.
* Not really. Kevin and his parents were entertaining, honestly. I can deal with stupid. What I couldn't (and can't) deal with is the politics and just general morale shitshow that is modern education. I got tired of being micromanaged and continually blamed for things that were out of my control. Kevin was honestly a fun part of my career.
* Kevin graduated in June and now works at a restaurant about 15 minutes away. He has a 2 year old son and AFAIK, is getting married to the mother(also graduated in June). From what I hear, he kind of grew out of the stupidity and having the kid kind of sobered him up. His future FIL is military though, so that probably had something to do with it.
* It comes in waves and happens more when I post in more active subs. I'd say 2-3 times a day it comes up on here. Usually I don't respond if it's not relevant, but I like how you formatted it :P
* He slept in class a lot, or at least kind of just made vague attempts at doing work while either not paying attention or attempting to flirt. In fact, most of the events happened between August and November, or May and June. From December to about mid-April, he was pretty low key...when he wasn't suspended or lost. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/olb0tl/theres_an_update_to_the_kevin_story_how_did_i_not/ | olb0tl | 7,966 | 1,444 | [
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2021-07-17T03:17:54 | Short and Sweet: OP's abusive in-laws sued for grandparents rights after OP's wife died. | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. Original by* [*u/throwRAnotmykids*](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwRAnotmykids/)
[My deceased wife's parents are trying to take my children](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hqpsmv/my_deceased_wifes_parents_are_trying_to_take_my/)
I was married to "Kate" for almost 16 years, together nearly 20. She was the absolute light of my life, and the center of my world. Her death has been devastating, to both me and our three children (17F, 14M, 10M). Our family was very close, and her death was unexpected.
We are estranged from Kate's parents. She was already NC with them when we first met, and we continued keeping NC with them. They attempted pretty often to get in contact with us, and Kate & I always shut it down immediately. We were NC with them because they were incredibly, incredibly abusive to Kate growing up. They don't accept responsibility for their actions, they say they were just "confused kids" and didn't mean for anything serious to happen to Kate, but something serious DID happen to Kate. Kate suffered from seizures from a TBI she got at her mother's hands. It was a seizure that killed my wife three weeks ago, so I rest the blame for my wife's death squarely on her parent's shoulders.
Since she passed away, her parents have begun harassing me, saying that they're "owed" a relationship with their grandchildren. I say I don't owe them shit, and continued to deny their requests, throw away the letters, donate the gifts (just like Kate had always done). Now, I've been sent a letter that they're suing for grandparents rights.
I am terrified. I'm terrified that my in laws are going to get their hands on my children and take them away from me, in the wake of the traumatic death of their mother. Am I doing the right thing by keeping distance from her parents? I've turned everything over to to the lawyer, but I'm wondering if this is the right thing to do.
All three kids are in therapy, even before their mother's death. The older two kids know some details of the relationship between Kate and her parents, but not the entire story.
TL;DR My wife's parents were extremely abusive, with lasting impacts that ultimately killed her. I've kept NC with her parents, and now they're trying to sue for grandparent's rights. Am I doing the right thing keeping them separate?
\-----------------------
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/olux3a/update_my_deceased_wifes_parents_are_trying_to/)
A year ago, I came asking advice as my deceased wife's parent's were trying to take custody of my three children. I want to thank everyone for the advice they gave us. Someone commented about a "fuck you" binder and that came in so so handy in the fight against these horrific people. It was a really long 9 month battle. I got to know the CPS officers and our night shift police officers on a first name basis. They reported me for abusing my children, my dogs, for breaking in to my neighbor's house.
In the heat of it, I gathered my kids with our family therapist and asked if they wanted to move. Our house had so many good memories, but also one big terrible memory. I don't like to think of it as running away or hiding, but as the freshest slate we could manage.
We're in an entirely different state now, with no contact orders in place to protect us in the future. We miss Kate more than words could ever convey, but we're all together still, and that's the most important part. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/olwcvc/short_and_sweet_ops_abusive_inlaws_sued_for/ | olwcvc | 3,489 | 1,408 | [
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2021-07-18T07:20:55 | An incredibly wholesome ending to a train station kerfuffle - "How I am fighting a Corrupt, Arrogant Ticket Checker in Mumbai using RTI & the system." /r/india | India | ***Original:*** [***How I am fighting a Corrupt, Arrogant Ticket Checker in Mumbai using RTI & the system.***](https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/2gnaot/how_i_am_fighting_a_corrupt_arrogant_ticket/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=usertext&utm_name=india&utm_content=t3_2hfrzj) ***Posted in*** /r/india
Timeline of the Events -
**2012**
I was travelling on the Harbor Line on an expired pass. The pass had expired 2 days back and i did not know it. The Ticket Checker caught me on the station and asked for my Ticket/Pass. Realising i had not renewed my pass, he asked me why i was travelling without one. I told him i had forgotten and i am ready to pay whatever is the fine.
The TC, a 20 something year old hot blooded newbie, not in uniform and with no badge or identification on him, was adamant on not fining me on the platform and insisted i go with him to the station office. I told him, you can fine me right here or else i am going my way because you don't have any proof on you. He did not like it one bit. He said he did not have his receipt book with him (It was in his pocket the whole time). Realising this isn't going anywhere i went with him to the office. On the way, i called my dad to inform him of the situation and that i'd be late. I was advised by him to pay the fine, take the receipt and be done with. On reaching the office, he, along with off duty Policeman, started mocking and abusing after i pointed out to him that he had the reciept book in his pocket the whole time. After about 20 minutes of arguing, threats, etc he fined me. Next day, i came with my dad (we travel together to office) to register a complaint against him with the station master. He refused. I filed an RTI to know their names, whether they were supposed to carry badges, name tags etc since they said do what you want. I did. And Here's the answer i got - [http://imgur.com/9UysnPs](http://imgur.com/9UysnPs)
After that RTI, the station master was sweet talking his way out, called the young TC, made him apologise and the matter was closed. But he always had an eye on me and my dad and always gave cold stares since then. Meh.
**2014**
In early June, my dad caught the same TC harassing school children and he gave death threats. Next day, my father went to the station master with his lawyer and while talking to him on phone, he gave death threats to the lawyer as well thinking he was my father! You can read the threats and the whole incident here in the Lawyers' notice here: [http://imgur.com/aZchprQ](http://imgur.com/aZchprQ)
After submitting the Lawyer's notice, i filed an RTI to know the status of the complaint and the action taken report. The Railway Ministry then transfered the RTI to the Chief Commercial Manager and PIO - M.A. Kamble, Central Railway, Mumbai for an answer [http://imgur.com/L9EDDgY](http://imgur.com/L9EDDgY)
He swiftly transfered it to the concerned department - The Divisional Commercial Manager, Dr. Alok Badkul, Central Railway, Mumbai - [http://imgur.com/Toaznoy](http://imgur.com/Toaznoy)
Now there is a 'Confronted Enquiry' early next week where i, along with my lawyer will be there with Central Railway Officials and the TC in question. Although we may try to reschedule due to prior commitments of my lawyer, we will try our best to go.
It's going to be a lot of fun ;)
Will update further after the Enquiry is over.
**Disclosures** \- Have blocked out the Station name, TC Name and any other personal information. Sorry for potato quality scans. Lawyer is a bit old school.
**EDIT**: Spelling mistakes, etc.
**EDIT 2** : Thank you for the gold. Again. I am glad that you all are inspired by this. Many have said that they'd stand up and fight next time. Please do. We don't need whiners on Social Media. We need more people using the system we already have to get things done and make a change. I will keep you updated and let you know what happens in the 'Confronted Enquiry' next week. Thank you :)
***Update #1:*** [***UPDATE: Regarding the arrogant TC in Mumbai and my complaint against him***](https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/2gxxa6/update_regarding_the_arrogant_tc_in_mumbai_and_my/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=usertext&utm_name=india&utm_content=t3_2hfrzj)***. Posted in*** /r/india
I, my father and our lawyer were supposed to go early next week for the confronted enquiry regarding the arrogant and rude TC who had given us death threats earlier in the year. But because our lawyer already had prior commitments, we just went to CST station yesterday afternoon and met the officer handling this matter.
At CST there near platform 13 i think there is a whole department of about 40-50 staff that handles nothing but passenger complaints. This is called the Public Grievance Cell of the Railways. The officer handling our complaint, explained to us what is a confronted enquiry. Its basically a face to face enquiry where statements of both parties are taken down and post that action is taken after deliberation. Since this is a serious matter, a committee will look into this and take action after both parties have given a statement.
When we asked him about what department this was and what action would be taken he was very kind and patiently explained everything and answered all our questions. He said "This is a Public Grievance Cell of the railways and the staff that you see here does nothing else but tend to complaints lodged by commuters. All types of complaints come here and we then sort them out to various departments. You have given your statement and now we will take the statement of the TC and then the committee will decide what to do. If you are unsatisfied, you can file an appeal. But rest assured that strictest action will be taken. A TC will be at a particular station for maxumum 4 years. After that it is changed. He has already completed about 2 and half years. If anyone demands a TC to be changed and there is enough complaints against one TC, then we change them immediately before 4 years are completed. After the committee decides what to do, we will inform via a notice on the action taken against the TC"
We left after that. Now, we wait. I am hoping, this time next week i should have another update.
***Final Update:*** [***UPDATE: Regarding the arrogant Ticket Checker who had given death threats to me and my father.***](https://np.reddit.com/r/india/comments/2hfrzj/update_regarding_the_arrogant_ticket_checker_who/) ***Posted in*** /r/india
I had already given my statement 6 days ago to the officer handling the case. Today, he asked me if we could make it in the evening to the Public Grievance Cell for a final meeting and we said yes. We went and the TC in question was present as well along with the committee which had 3 people who came with a bunch of files of the TC and the station master.
The officers and the 3 member committee heard both of us. The TC was in tension and was just guilt ridden when he heard us talking. Finally after 10-15 minutes, the officer started noting down remarks in his file.
The committee gave a chance to the TC to explain his behavior and his actions to all. He immediately apologized and said he deserves whatever punishment that will come his way and there were no excuses to whatever happened. He also said that he has learnt his lessons and is trying to control his anger, behavior. He showed remorse for whatever he did.
My father asked him how he ended up as a TC at such a young age. And he said he had got the job because he is a cricketer and had got a job with the railways because of the sports quota. He then took out a file from his bag which had paper clippings with his name and some with photos of his achievements. I'll be honest here, we were all floored. He was't some low life but a good sportsman who plays for the railways and other teams in a lot of top cricket competitions. Then my father asked him why he was so aggressive at such a young age and if he was like this now, what would happen in the future? He started apologizing again and said he is trying really hard to control. He said "i stopped doing what i was doing....every time i see your son, i give him a smile". He wrote down an apology and submitted it to the officers.
We asked the committee if he would be fined or punished and they said that he'd be suspended. We requested them not to do that because he showed that he regretted whatever happened. After some time, when everything was done and, the officer asked us what we do and we told them that we run a business and are also involved in a lot of social work. We invited them to our office if they ever needed help with any kind of social work or problems. The TC then asked us what kind of social work we do and said that for the last one year he has been trying to rehabilitate a homeless woman with 3 children who begs on the station but has not been able to do anything because every NGO he contacted turned him away. The TC and others at the station do what they can to help them by not shooing her away like other beggars. Yet again, we were floored. My father then asked him to give all the details and that we can definitely help. My father gave him a card and we then left after thanking everyone.
There is a lot to take away from this. I had gone in with bitterness and anger and came out humbled. Honestly, i am just confused and amazed at the same time. I won't forget this ever. This chapter is now closed and it closed on a good note i guess.
**If anyone knows any NGOs that can help rehabilitate a woman with 3 children, please let me know. Thank you.**
I'd like to point out here that the staff was pleasant, courteous and very helpful. Not everyone is bad and corrupt in government institutions. Please don't go in with that assumption. A lot of people at the top are helpful and some are "Thoda khao par kaam karo" types as well. PLEASE speak up when you see something wrong with the people at the top. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/omltf7/an_incredibly_wholesome_ending_to_a_train_station/ | omltf7 | 9,974 | 271 | [
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2021-07-18T13:20:22 | What a mess- AITA For moving after winning full custody of my sons | AITA | I am not the original poster! The account is suspended, but I posted it anyway because it's not (imo) impossible that it's happened.
[link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ix7deo/aita_for_moving_after_winning_full_custody_of_my/)
My wife and I got a divorce last year. Our relationship failed after she was charged with felony credit card fraud and ended up pleading guilty to a lesser charge. She had been a SAHM to our 2 sons (5 & 3) and had taken credit cards out in my mom's name to pay for God knows what. She shattered my trust. I work full-time and make a decent living, but nothing extravagant. I had no clue what my wife was doing until cops showed up at my door with a warrant and took my wife away in cuffs and took 2 laptops as evidence. When I got the full story I filed for divorce immediately.
Aside from being a criminal, she was a good mom. She tried to justify what she did by saying she was just doing what was best for our kids, which I felt was total BS given that she never mentioned wanting for anything and anytime she asked to spend on something I almost always said yes. I hired a good lawyer and asked for full-custody of my kids. My ex begged me not to do that, saying she needed her kids. But she was still looking at up to a year in jail and nothing her lawyer said could sway the judge to grant her anything more than supervised visitation. She ended up doing 90-days in jail, paying some fines and restitution, but I've allowed her to see our sons almost every time she's asked.
The last year has been total hell, but we've made it work. A few months ago I was offered a much more lucrative position a few states away. I talked with my lawyer about what it would mean if I moved and what the process was. He said that since I have full custody, I have to file a petition with the court to move. So I told my wife what I wanted to do and she exploded. She claimed I was stealing her kids from her, that she's made a lot of strides to get herself to a better place, and that she would fight me tooth and nail for her kids.
Well, I filed the petition, got the go ahead from the courts, and accepted the job. When the judge gave his ruling my wife burst into tears and began sobbing. It was heartbreaking. I know in my head that I'm doing the right thing for my sons. They are young enough that a move like this won't be too traumatic, but I also feel like their lives have already been completely overturned and I'm just adding more to that.
As for my wife, she's a wreck. She's been begging me to reconsider the move, trying everything from guilt trips, manipulation, bargaining. It's like she's going through the stages of grief. But from my point of view, she did this to herself. She lied and broke the law, I have very little sympathy for her. I know at some point she will probably try to file for partial custody and I'm prepared for that. For now, I'm just trying to do what's best for me and my sons. Does that make me an asshole?
Edit: Thank you to everyone who commented, even the one's who called me a heartless AH for taking my sons away from their mother. This post has given me a lot of perspective and I appreciate that. A couple things I want to clear up that I keep getting asked about that I wasn't able to include in my original post.
1. The area my sons and I live in is a smaller community. Not "everyone knows everyone" small, but close. The crime my ex committed was news here. It was in the paper. People know about it. I get weird looks when I'm out in public. People have stopped inviting my sons to birthday parties. I don't want my sons to be bullied and teased in school about their mother being a criminal.
2. I am not going to permanently alienate my sons from their mother. I will make sure they are able to talk and facetime with her whenever they want. I will be the one who makes the drive back in order for them to see her until she is able to make arrangements to allow her to do so. I will continue to work with my ex to make sure she is included in things like birthdays and holidays.
3. I know my sons and I will all need therapy from this. There is not good mental health help available where my previous job is. My new job offers on-site childcare and I will have access to counseling and therapy for myself and my sons that we would not have access to without moving. The schools near my new job are head and shoulders above the ones near my previous job.
4. If my ex gets her life back on track and is able to move closer to us, I'm all for it. If she does the things she needs to do in order to petition for shared custody, I don't intend on fighting her for that. But until she does that, I will not allow her anything more than the supervised visits ruled by the court. I will also not ask for any of the court-ordered child support, we won't need it.
5. To all the people who screamed "but she's their mother!" Yes, and she always will be. And I remind my sons daily that their mom loves them very much and that she wishes she can be with them like before. I am angry and resentful of my wife but I work very, very hard to not let any of those feelings impact my sons and their relationship with their mom.
**Relevant comments from OP**
\-I do not intend on isolating my sons from their mother or preventing her from seeing them. But I also will not allow anything other than court-approved, supervised visits. Facetime and all that stuff I will work with her to make sure she gets to talk with them. But there will be no weekends at mom's place until the court gives the ok. I'm not saying I believe she will try to run away with my kids, but I also never believed she would defraud my mother of $30K.
\-(What she did) She took out multiple credit cards in my mom's name after getting her SSN somehow. Racked up about $30,000 before she got caught. My mom alerted her credit card company when she saw a couple unauthorized credit checks from different credit companies, and then the authorities got involved. I had no clue. She apparently spent most of the money on clothes and toys for the kids, makeup and clothes for herself. But that's a shitload of toys and clothes so I find it hard to believe. (*OP says the kids' credit is clean.*)
\-(Why he didn't notice) My kids go through clothes seemingly on a weekly basis. They grow like weeds. So seeing them in new outfits wasn't anything new. Also, my ex and I had a shared checking account and she made bi-weekly trips to Target and Walmart so I was still seeing charges from them. What I didn't know was that my wife was going on designer clothes shopping sprees online and having the packages shipped directly to the post office so that they would't get delivered while I was home. She thought she was clever about it, and maybe she was, for a while. But she still got caught.
\-(How his mother feels about this) She was obviously very caught off guard. No one saw this coming. She had to go through so much BS to get her credit cleared up, get credit charges nullified, try to rebuild her credit. She wanted the book thrown at my ex and cussed out the prosecutor for offering a plea bargain....(How his mother is doing now) Barely getting back on her feet. She's on a fixed income so this really put a strain on her. I will probably have to step in at some point and help her. Yet another reason I want to take the new job and increased pay.
\- (The charges) In our state her original charge was felony grand theft. That carries a 15-25 year prison sentence. She got a plea deal from the prosecutor that dropped it below felony level mostly because it was her first offense.
&#x200B;
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jjqkj0/update_aita_for_moving_after_winning_full_custody/)
I got a lot of people asking for an update on this situation, and since a few things have changed I figured I would go for it. I did end up taking the new job and moved with my sons. We have been settling into our new lives quite nicely over the last month and things have been going really well. My sons love the new house, they have made friends with some other kids their age in the neighborhood, my job has been going really well and I really couldn't have hoped for things to go better than they have.
I got both of my sons into a great therapy program and the three of us have also been doing counseling sessions together. My boys have been adjusting amazingly well and I'm so happy and proud of how they've handled this. We've also made 2 trips back to see their mother since she is still in the process of figuring out what she will be allowed to do in relation to her probation. We've also been doing many video-calls a week with her. My sons still don't understand why their mom isn't here with us, but they do seem to grasp that this is going to be their new normal.
In comparison with how well myself and my sons are adjusting, my ex is the complete opposite. She is still very angry with me and thinks I'm a complete a-hole. She's frustrated with the process of going through the courts to be allowed to move, she's frustrated that I'm not willing to drive our sons back to see her as often as she'd like, she feels she's being marginalized in their lives and that I am pulling them away from her. When she was complaining about all of this during our last visit, I reminded her that all of those things are consequences of her own actions and she blew up at me by saying I am kicking her when she's already down and I didn't need to take her sons away from her.
I told her how well our sons are doing and how happy they are and she should be proud of how strong and resilient they've been. She then started begging me to please move back so that she can be closer because she's not sure the courts will allow her to move and the process is taking too long. I told her that wasn't going to happen, but if there is anything I can do with the court process, that I would be willing to help if I can. I reminded her that I haven't said anything about her not paying the court-ordered child support, but that our boys seem to be in a much better place already and I'm not going to take that away from them.
Every time we have a video call with her, as soon as she says good-bye to our sons she starts asking me to consider moving back home. I tell her every time that it is not happening. I'm not a robot and I do feel bad to see her so desperate and distraught, but when I look at my son's playing and laughing with their new friends, I know I've done the right thing no matter the cost to my ex. | Dogismygod | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/omqe82/what_a_mess_aita_for_moving_after_winning_full/ | omqe82 | 10,589 | 767 | [
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2021-07-18T22:54:01 | AITA For not returning a laptop my relative gave me? | AITA | [Originally posted by u/KillerLeo8](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/okskjz/aita_for_not_returning_a_laptop_my_relative_gave/)
So me and my mom we both went to a relative's house. She was talking about an old laptop from 2015 that doesn't work fast enough for her. And she offered me that laptop and i thought "why not".
I took it my house, bought a 2tb ssd and increased to 16gb ram and did a reset to start fresh. It was fast af. I was happy with this laptop and it was with me for past 3 months now. Yesterday she came to visit us and asked me how the laptop is and i showed her fast the laptop is now and all of a sudden she wants it back for "urgent reason". I didn't give it back and argued with her for half an hour. She stormed out of my house and threatened to take legal action against me. Seems very extreme for such a small thing. My parents are yelling at me to give it back but i already dropped my hard earned $350 on this laptop. How can i give it back and not be angry?
So am i the asshole?
Edit: Update posted here since i can't post it separately now
Relative has been bothering me for a week now non stop everyday. So i decided to follow what you guys said and remove the parts I've bought, and install a 5400 rpm hard disk instead of the one which came with her laptop (I've had one laying in my closet) and decreased the ram from 8gb ram which came with her laptop and put 4gb ram. And while i was at it, I installed a fuck ton of bloatware like candy crush and free antivirus software to keep cpu always running. So i went to her home last night and gave it back. She turned it on and it was slow like usual. She asked why it's slow again and replied back "idk it was fine for me until yesterday. Ig today's update messed up the laptop again". She isn't in anyway tech savvy and don't even know her laptop model or brand so i got away with it. She said "then you can keep, i don't need it anymore". Without saying a word i came back home and installed my parts and did a reset again to remove all that bloat I've downloaded. So yea i got the laptop back and my parents are ok with it. I didn't tell them about the stuff i did to the laptop i just said she said to keep it. They were like "ok fine". So it's a happy ending for everyone! 😁 | wormhole222 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/on1f9m/aita_for_not_returning_a_laptop_my_relative_gave/ | on1f9m | 2,280 | 1,099 | [
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2021-07-19T06:07:20 | Moving series of updates in one comment over 6 year period. /u/trashitagain tells his story. /r/askreddit | AskReddit | [*Original*](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4in3fk/)*: User* /u/trashitagain *comments on this* /r/askreddit *thread,* [*Throwaway time! What's your secret that could literally ruin your life if it came out?*](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/) *He updates several times for the next 6 years.*
I'm eventually going to kill myself. I don't know when, but I'm pretty sure that's where life is taking me. I've never kissed a girl and I'm approaching 30, I have panic attacks in social situations, therapy seems to only make me feel worse, and I've decided that living so that others don't have to deal with my death isn't worth it anymore.
I'm basically just waiting out my parents so they don't have to attend my funeral.
**July 17 2012 Edit**: Because I'm still getting PMs asking how things turned out I'll just update it here. Nothing happened with any of the offers, I guess those were karma-whoring attempts, because I did PM them and they never responded. I did meet a girl who PMed me on a stop over from a road trip and get my first kiss, but that was it. I'm very glad I got to do that, and it was amazing enough that it convinced me to really make an effort. I've been trying very hard in the online dating arena, but I'm not getting anywhere. When I do get dates I don't know how to initiate anything physical, and its causing women to think I'm not interested, or I'm a wimp, or whatever. Anyway its not working. My overall plan hasn't really changed, really the only thing different is now is that I'm trying and failing. Hard.
Honestly I can't imagine living like this for as long as its going to take for my parents to pass, its just too fucking painful. I can't effectively articulate just how lonely I am.
**August 27 2012 Edit**: Wow, I'm still getting PMs about this post. I guess I should update again. I feel much, *much* better about myself and my prospects. I wont get into it more than that, and I'll leave everything else here because perhaps seeing just how low I got and that things worked out will help someone else feeling the same way. The only advice I can give is this: Try. You will fail, but you cannot succeed if you don't try.
**October 11 2012 Edit**: Things turned right back to shit and stayed there. I feel like a complete moron for thinking things could work out.
**October 16 2012 Edit**: Life has its ups and downs, and sometimes what seems like a down turns out to be an up. I've met someone wonderful, I thought I'd lost her, I felt bad for a while, but in the end it turned into something good. I can't wait to see where it goes. I will continue updating this post as I continue my journey, and I hope anyone who relates to the way I felt when this started can take comfort in knowing that if you make the effort, you can find what you've been missing. Its hard, but its worth it.
**December 31 2012 Edit**: Everything is great. Its as simple as that :)
**January 25 2013 Edit:** And then she dumped me. This is a pain that I couldn't have felt without the love that preceded it, so I'm trying to keep it in context, but its hard not to wallow in misery at this point. Back into the dating pool I guess.
**January 27 2013 Edit:** I really hate being lonely.
**MAX CHARACTER LIMIT FORCED ME TO CUT SOME POSTS HERE**
**Removed more Aug 8 2016**
**August 2 2014 edit** I find myself thinking of this post less and less because the majority of the issues I've written about here just aren't controlling my life anymore. I wish I had some deep sage wisdom to write at the moment, but I just felt like I ought to update since I saw this mentioned elsewhere on reddit a few moments ago. My life is going better than I would've expected two years ago; I've now graduated with my CS degree and work full time, I've had a great deal of success in the dating realm over the last 8 months or so, and I'm in a better place emotionally. My advice for anyone who resembles the old me remains the same: Try, fail, and try again. Its a hell of a lot better than a bullet through the head.
**August 11 2014 edit** So apparently I have cancer. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be fine, but it really makes me think about how glad I am that I started really living life.
**August 13 2014 edit** I should probably update again with a little more info. As far as the cancer goes, I have surgery planned, its early, I'm pretty sure I'm fine. I'll have scars, and that's all. If not, well, the prospect of something more severe has a curious impact on me. Telling my family fucking horrifies me. I know that you need to live life for yourself, but the others in my life are the ones who would feel my death, and I'm not so selfish a person that I can put them through that casually. I'm getting some massive doses of perspective lately.
**October 16 2014 edit** I have a nasty new scar, and a lot of headaches, but I'm fine. Life goes on as it always does. I honestly don't think I can bring myself to read the rest of this post right now... the last few years have not been great for me, to say the least, and I cringe just thinking about it sometimes. All I can think to say now is that I am so glad that I never pulled that trigger.
Also, apparently there is a max character limit now. I've cut some of the post and saved the whole thing locally... this leaves me with a problem. Should I upload all of this somewhere else? Not sure what's best. If anyone has an idea feel free to pm me.
**February 2 2015 Edit** [trashitagain.com](http://www.trashitagain.com/) now has the entire post in raw text.
**January 6 2017 Edit** I am going to be a father. Totally unexpected, the doctor had told us it was likely not possible thanks to PCOS, AND she was on the pill, AND... well, lets just say this wasn't planned. I'm still in shock. Holy hell kids cost a lot of money. I'm terrified that I won't be up to the task, but its time to put away my own worries and insecurities and focus on doing the best I can. Over the last half a decade I've learned a lot about myself, and one of the major things I've discovered is that although I was missing companionship horribly, I do need a lot of time to myself. I'm still an introvert. Its going to be interesting trying to reconcile what I need for my own sanity with the much more important matter of keeping a wife and child clothed, fed, homed, and happy. Oh, and I guess I'm going to propose now. Don't tell her though, I'm still figuring out how I'm going to do it. Probably something involving a ring of some sort. Possibly onion (I really should have been better at saving last year).
**August 2017 Edit** I have a son. Its the most amazing thing in this world, I honestly can't explain it. My wife is my hero for delivering this little guy. I don't have the time to sit and think through my thoughts like I usually do when I update here, but I'm just so glad that I'm here for him. I'm also deliriously tired.
**September 2018 Edit** I figure I'm well overdue for one of these, and I've gotten a lot of PMs, so... here goes. My life has changed a lot over the years, since I created this account and made my first post. It's difficult to compartmentalize and share everything that I feel like ought to be shared, but I have a few clear thoughts that I wish someone could have shared with me.
First: It takes time to learn how to be happy. When my son was born, as babies do, he cried. He didn't smile for the first time for about 3 months. We are all born knowing how to be sad, but it takes time to learn how to be happy. And its completely worth it. When he cracked his first big gummy smile it was at my father, now a grandfather, smiling down at him. Every dirty diaper induced cry seemed worth it, it was simply incredible. No words can do it justice.
Second: Things aren't magically easy. I did not plan to have kids. At one point when I was a virgin and suicidal I dreamed of the normal family life, as a sort of goal that I felt like I ought to have. What I really wanted was intimacy and love, but I didn't know how to articulate it yet. Over the years I came to the realization that I'm pretty selfish, I'm pretty lazy, and I love having the freedom to stay out late and travel. Me and my now wife agreed on this, and planned no kids. And then her birth control failed. So we got married, and we had a kid, and life got stressful. I often wish I could just be free again. I make about 115k a year now, not a massive salary but enough that I should be able to do things like eat out when I want, but I'm struggling horribly because my wife has essentially no income potential, or motivation to change that. Stress is constant. Interspersed in this, however, are the things that make it worth it. My son just figured out how to play hide and seek with me on his own. Pulling a blanket over his head and laughing hysterically when he does it. I got a video of it, and its so fucking cute that I watch it multiple times a day at work.
Third: Oh, and she's pregnant again. I'm going to have a daughter. Birth control pills don't work for shit on her, and apparently neither do IUDs. I'm definitely getting a vasectomy this time.
Fourth: The thoughts will never go away once they've been there, and that is something I'm going to have to live with forever. I wish this wasn't the case, but it is. I still have my mind turn on me from time to time, I still get low, and I still can't escape that mental movie where I put a gun to my temple and pull the trigger. I have so much to live for now, and so much I'm responsible for, and I still can't totally escape it. It sucks, but living with it is just a part of life. I also still think of my ex. She was a huge part of my life, even if it was for a short time, and those memories are inescapable. I've learned to let them be fond in their own way, as so much time has past and ongoing bitterness was poisoning me.
Finally: I've said it a lot of times, but life goes on. It will keep happening regardless of if you use your time well or not. If you're someone like I was, reading this now, do not wait. Get out there. Your mountain is waiting. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/on8627/moving_series_of_updates_in_one_comment_over_6/ | on8627 | 10,213 | 382 | [
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2021-07-19T15:34:38 | "Former Professor Won't Stop Harassing Me" | r/RBI | **Original Post:
[Former professor won’t stop harassing me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/oifdzg/former_professor_wont_stop_harassing_me/)**
My former professor has been sending harassing emails and postal mail after I blocked his phone number in February. I tried to give him a restraining order but the police refuse to help me without a physical address. I don’t know what else to do since he sends mail with a P.O. Box. Is there any other possible ways for me to force him to leave me alone?
Update: Thank you for all the advice. My local politicians agree to help me and I’m waiting a response from FBI cybercrime, postal service and his siblings. I already contact the college but they don’t want to do anything about it. I will continue to read the comments and take every necessary action against him
Update 2: Was able to track down his address and will try the restraining order again
Update 3: My former college title IX said they will contact their campus police and see what they can do. My friend from law school said the restraining order is a bad idea since he doesn’t want me to appear next to him
**Comments from OP on that original post: **
I did email the last colleges that he worked but he was already fired. I don’t know where he works now
I did listen to many of the advice. I didn’t have time to respond to everyone’s comments. I sent emails to the FBI cybercrime, title IX, and will call the postal office when they open. The local politicians agreed to help me.
What didn’t work was contacting the college since they refuse to do anything.
We were best friends and he constantly needs help with technology and finding a job. He called me 5 times during class because he had an interview (didn’t told me) and his camera was not working. He blamed me and said “we weren’t equals” when I told him how awful he was treating me. His emails bounce between “I’m so sorry and please give me another chance” and “I treated you so well and you should be more forgiving. I shouldn’t be punished for having a bad day.”
Yes, I was his student. I meet him on my first day in college so I didn't know better. He groomed me with gifts and help.
He groomed me to help him find jobs and assist him with tech. He had an interview (didn’t told me) and his camera wasn’t working. He blamed me for not answering the phone when he called 5 times while I was having class. Then he said “we aren’t equals” when I called him out. I block his number and every since he harass me with emails and postal mail. His message is a mixture of “I’m so sorry, please forgive me and I miss you so much” and “ I treated you so well and you are punishing me for just having a bad day. You should have been more forgiving.”
**[Update to "My former professor won't stop harassing me](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/on3knh/update_to_my_former_professor_wont_stop_harassing/)"**
Thank you everyone for your advice and support. After giving the police his address, they decide to call him again. He answers this time. The officer told him what he did was harassment. My professor insists he was just wishing me a happy birthday. The officer said it was still harassment since I made it clear to stop contacting me and warn him to stop. My professor was shaking and was upset about the call. He promises to not contact me again.
Edit: I don't know if he was actually shaking or not. That is what the police told me. Please don't come to this thread to say my whole harassment situation was fake. | wookiehaircare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ongg67/former_professor_wont_stop_harassing_me/ | ongg67 | 3,510 | 478 | [
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2021-07-19T19:28:46 | My (42M) wife (F41) of 18 years has numerous health and mental conditions that prevent most sexual activities. Recently she told me she would be ok if I found a sexual partner to meet my sexual needs. I'm not sure what to do. | Relationships |
Posted in r/Relationships 15 days ago by u/Sublimelemon – I have to admit I honestly can’t see this being a good idea. What do you guys think? Here is his story:
So we're a fairly classic couple story where we have very different libidos. Mine’s been high and hers was a bit lower until about 10 years ago. Over the past 10 years she's been diagnosed with multiple health conditions. I don't want to list them all, but needless to say it's deeply affects her standard of living and puts me in the role of a caregiver.
I love my wife, when we first got married none of these health conditions were present. But if they had been, I still would have married my wife.
My real only concern has always been the reduction in our sex lives. Over the past 2 years it's been really noticeable, with sex occurring once maybe every couple months, with some gaps as long as 6 months.
I know my needs aren't really being met, and I struggle greatly to even accept that my sexual needs are important in the face of what she goes through every day. To be clear, she's a hero in my eyes she faces all her struggles with strength. Even when she falters and has a bad day she picks herself back up and faces the next day. I feel so guilty feeling bad about wanting sex, when clearly she's struggling with so much more.
She mentioned about a week ago that she knows I stay up late so I can masturbate after she goes to bed, and the she knows that I want more sex. She told me she feels guilty she can't provide the level sexual activity I desire. And that after taking care of her for so many years I deserve to have these needs met. She ended by saying that I could try to find a sexual partner to fill my needs, but the huge caveat is she doesn't want to know anything about it.
This isn't completely out of nowhere, many years ago, before her illness, we were a pretty experimental couple for sex. While the drive was lower for her she was still adventurous. We had a few group sex activities, and she struggled with some feelings of jealousy. We worked through them and eventually had a few positive encounters with multiple people.
She said she knows that after everything we've already gone through that I'm loyal to her, but she's willing to give me the ability to find a sexual partner for meeting my needs. I don't know how I feel about it. Especially given the jealousy situation from many years ago. I'm really confused, I have no ethical problem with open relationships, but I am worried this will backfire on me. I'm also worried I simply won't be able to find a partner since I have no idea how to even look after being with someone for nearly 20 years.
Truthfully I'd love to be able to have sex with someone, and I don't link sex with love and romance. But how do I even do this if was going to? What does Reddit think?
TL;DR: my wife has a ton of health conditions that means she can't do much sexually. She recently said I can find a partner to have my sexual needs met. I don't know what to do because I'm definitely interested but worried about consequences.
edit: the reason she doesn't want to know is more due to her lack of self-confidence after years of health issues than jealousy. I just mentioned the jealousy since it had happened in the past.
UPDATE
About two weeks ago I posted that my sick wife had brought up the subject of finding someone outside our relationship for me to have sex with.
Got a lot of feedback from the post, got called several terrible names in DMs. But in the end, I had a long conversation with my wife, and also we spoke with our therapist about it. Sex is normally not a topic at therapy, but it was in this case.
Turns out, my wife's best friend actually brought up the idea and mentioned being willing to help. They had a long conversation about it when her friend came over one day while I was working. My wife talked about how she wished I could still enjoy that part of my life, despite her illness and her friend mentioned being willing to act as a sexual partner.
Her friend is historically polyamorous, currently not with a partner. Many, many years ago (over 8) we had a very positive group sex encounter with her and one of her partners at the time.
They have apparently been talking about it quite a bit over several weeks and my wife is comfortable with the idea and feels much more comfortable with it assuming the person is her friend.
When I asked her about the don't ask, don't tell, my wife mentioned she's ok knowing that it's going on in the background. She just doesn't want to see it or hear it. She essentially doesn't want to know any details, she doesn't want to feel being compared to, and she is ok if I find someone other than her friend but really wants the trust level to be similar.
I talked about a professional sex worker, and she was ok with it, but she did have an issue with the potential cost. In the end, she said we should talk to her friend about what things might look like. I don't mind her friend, and certainly, we had fun many years ago during that one group sex encounter.
Her friend actually helped me take care of my wife a few times a few years ago. I had hurt my back, and her friend came to take over helping to bathe my wife. I trust her almost as much as my wife. She definitely would never hurt my wife, and is one of those friends you consider family.
Her friend and I get along very well, and honestly it might work. Our therapist recommended we do some reading on polyamory as well as recommended a few books. The therapist brought up the idea of developing feelings for this other partner. And my wife, for the first time, mentioned that she is ok with some romantic feels, but wants to be informed as soon as those develop. The therapist agreed it's a unique situation and was pretty supportive.
Our next step is me having a conversation with her friend one on one, and then deciding if we are going through with this.
Life is strange, people.
TL;DR: Wife wanted me to find sexual satisfaction outside of our relationship. Her friend mentioned she would be willing to become a sexual partner. My wife loves and trusts this friend and knows this friend would never hurt her, I feel similar about this friend as one of the few people I trust to care for my wife. | haaskaalbaas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/onla9s/my_42m_wife_f41_of_18_years_has_numerous_health/ | onla9s | 6,281 | 465 | [
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2021-07-20T06:52:24 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/onwtsd/deleted_by_user/ | onwtsd | 9 | 655 | [
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2021-07-20T08:24:58 | I (26f) am an escort and I am falling in love with one of my clients (39M) | Relationship_Advice | Posted by u/throwRA-esc
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[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/duk7rb/i_26f_am_an_escort_and_i_am_falling_in_love_with/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body)
I took on this client about a year ago. I was immediately struck with how handsome he was. As I got to know him he showed himself to be a kind, sweet, charismatic, utterly brilliant person. He is always gentle I never had to enforce any boundaries with him. Over the last year I have come to look forward to visits with him above any of my other clients. If there's a scheduling conflict I will give him the priority, lately I have been more intimate with him then my other clients, cuddles, kissing, hugs, and other things I dont do with my other clients. I love my overnights with him. We have long deep talks about everything we have a lot of shared interests and we just get along really well. I feel very safe with him.
I am falling in love with him. Its never happened to me before. I have always kept emotion separate from my work but I cant help it with him. I will spend time with him I dont bill him for, I spend extra time with him and just love to be with him. I've been spending time with him casually, going on... dates I guess for lack of better word that I'm not billing for either and the lines are starting to become very blurry. I dont know what to do. I think I want to move the relationship from professional to personal, truth is it's already becoming personal to me, but I cant imagine he would be ok with my work if I was his gf. I am afraid of being rejected by him and ruining our work relationship, I think I would give this up to be with him but that presents a whole new set of problems for me in finding a new career.
I dont know what to do. Do I go for it? Risk rejection and ruining our professional relationship? Do I give up my career for him if he says yes? I dont think I could continue this if I was with him personally. Do I just keep silent and continue our relationship as is? Or do I drop him as a client altogether? I was never looking for a guy to "save me" but I cant help what I'm feeling for him.
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\*Edit\*I know why hes single. His wife died in an accident 3 years ago.
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Edit2 I cant believe how many responses this post has gotten. I am going for it. I'll tell him this week. Now to figure out how. Lots had asked if I have a back up I do.
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Edit 3 I'm about to leave for lunch with him. I'm not going to bring it up yet but I do intend to ask him if he ever sees himself getting married again. Thanks for all the support. I didn't expect to see this much support.
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Edit 4 Lunch was nice. We had a good time. I did ask him if he felt like he could ever be married again. he said 3 years ago the answer would be a hard no but now he wasn't so sure. Then he asked me if I ever saw myself getting married and I had a similar answer, I told him I asked him if he wanted to come to dinner at my place tonight, not work, personal. He said he's like that. I'm going for it.
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\---
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/e3gf4c/update_i_26f_am_an_escort_and_i_am_falling_in/)
A few people mentioned the story about his wife might be fake and he's secretly married. I was pretty sure he wasn't married I did out-calls to his home and my married clients NEVER take me to their home always a hotel. But I was regularly in his home, I saw the pictures of her around the house I know she was real.
How can I trust a guy who uses escorts? Well this is a silly thing to judge him on considering what I do. I cant imagine judging a man for using my service. I was his first too and unless hes a good actor I know the awkwardness of a first timer and he was definitely awkward when we first met. I never asked him if he started seeing other escorts because frankly its none of my business.
I should wait for him to approach me. Unfortunately this probably wouldn't work. As the lines became blurred I did tell him about a few clients who became overly possessive, obsessive and jealous I had to drop. I am sure he thought the same would happen to him if he tried to tell me he wanted a personal relationship. I had to be the one to make this move
Do I want to do this forever/Do I really want to give it up? Different variations on this theme of leaving the biz. Some in favor some against. Bottom line is I don't think I see myself doing this into my 30's. It used to be fun and exciting but lately it hasnt been. it just feels like work now and the only meets I look forward to anymore are the ones with him. I also don't feel good about the idea of being committed to him but still seeing clients. I heard from a lot of other sex workers and clients who were able to make that arrangement work but I just cant. Even if he would be ok with it I just cant. Another add on to this is a friend of mine who has never been crazy about what I do. Shes given me a standing offer to go to work with her company on the sales team.
A lot of people suggested we try going out as friends and doing things outside our "working" relationship. I imagine my comments answering this one were buried in the flood of comments so I'll put it here. We have been. For some time now. We meet for lunches, dinners, we go to the movies and make little trips to sites around where we live. We also text throughout the week.
Ok on to the Update. I think I left off yesterday that we had met for lunch. This was sort of a normal thing for us lately and we had a nice chat. I posed to him the question of if he ever saw himself falling in love and marrying again. He said after his wife died he didn't think it would be possible but now he thinks he might be able to with the right person. Then he followed up with a question about if I would ever think about leaving the biz and getting married. And I sorta answered the same, with the right person, followed by a pointed stare. He had to go back to work by this point and I invited him to my home for dinner. this was a first. He has never been to my home. I dont bring clients back there only friends. I hoped that sent a strong signal to him.
I went back home and started getting ready, I had to go shopping for some things and get the place ready to have a guest over. I called my friend up she knows about this guy and has been on the same page as Reddit pushing me to make a move and settle down into something more "normal" I told her about the reddit post and said I was making the jump. I also let her know I wanted to take her up on her offer. I called up my upcoming appointments and canceled. I said something had come up and I wouldn't be available. I'm out. I'm done regardless of what happened with him If I cant get my head in the game anymore and I'm getting too personal, plus now I am realizing I want to be in a relationship and I cant separate sex from my feelings like I thought, its time to call it. This isn't what I want anymore. This choice was for me not him. Even if things didn't work out with him I realized I really did want to be in a committed relationship with someone. One thing that people mentioned was the idea that he could turn violent when I told him. I honestly didn't believe he would but I asked my friend to call and check on me just in case. She knows the drill we have safe and emergency words set up and we have a plan for if she gets no response from me at all.
I got my shopping done and got dinner going, set the place up nice and romantic, and got myself dolled up nice and sexy and got ready to have him over. He came by at around 7. He had flowers for me and a bottle of wine. I invited him. He said he wasn't sure if he should bring payment or not and just did. I told him that wasn't necessary he wasn't here as a client. I dont bring clients to my home. I was really hoping he was getting the hint. Dinner was going nicely we had our usual rapport but I could tell he was a little perplexed about what this was all about. So I put on my big girl panties gathered my courage, and "Shoot my shot" as you all put it. I told him I was dropping him as a client. He looked surprised and hurt, he wanted to know why? What did he do wrong? Did something happen. I assured him it want about him. I was leaving the biz and dropped all my clients. I told him about the job I took and he wished me good luck, he said I was attractive and charming and he was sure I would do well in sales. He said he was going to miss me. I took a big deep breath and said. "You dont have to miss me if you dont want to" And then I spilled it. He was the only client I brought home to tell in person. I laid it all out all the things I mentioned in the post. How I felt about him and how I didnt want to be his escort anymore. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I said I understand he paid me to leave and not stick around and now I was asking to stick around and I would understand if he didnt want to continue on. He said who told you that? That he paid me to keep coming back not to leave. He said he felt it too but he wasn't sure if it was appropriate to ask me that. He was still hurt over his wife And that he wasnt even sure if he was ready but that some of the best things in his life he started when he wasn't sure if he was ready. He asked me if I was ok with being with someone who was still hurting over his ex. I told him I could work with it and that I wasn't trying to replace her. We kissed. I led him into my bedroom and we made love.
We spent some time after in each others arms talking about what comes next. He offered to help me make the transition but I told him I wanted to try and do this on my own and not rely on him. I appreciated his offer and if I needed the help I would ask but I need to do try on my own at first. He respected that. I told him that things would change now. As his GF I would have expectations of him I never had as an escort. He was ok with that. I told him I never asked or cared if he saw other women before but now I wanted monogamy I would give it and I wanted it in return so if he was seeing other escorts that would have to end and I reminded him I dropped my clients. He said that wasn't a problem. I was the only one. He spent the night with me and left this morning.
Where is this going to lead us next? I have no idea. Maybe I am making a huge mistake, maybe this was fate, maybe this was God working in mysterious ways maybe we're just two lost and lonely souls tossed around by the stormy seas of life that managed to find each other and cling to each other. Fate, fairy tale or fluke we are going to see where this leads us next, and we're doing it together. I'm excited, elated and terrified all at once. My whole life has drastically changed in just a day. I didn't intend to move this fast but once this train started rolling it seemed like there was no stopping it.
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\---
Final Update
Hey everyone. Well I have been getting a lot of pms and chats about my original post and I decided I'd give you all a Thanksgiving(ish) update and a new question.
So I know it hasn't been that long since my first post but one of the things some people had brought up was that I was a "fantasy" to him and if things ever became 'real" the fantasy would be over and the "real" him would show up. Well I am happy to say no abusive, misogynistic, malignant, nefarious side of him has as yet been revealed to me. He's very much still the same kind and wonderful man I fell in love with.
Our relationship is changing and very much for the better. There's no longer any fear between us. We can both be honest about how we feel about each other without the other being scared we were crossing lines. Plus now that I am out of the biz My nights and weekends are much freer then they previously were and thats time I am spending with him now that otherwise I would have spent working. It's really nice to be able to see him whenever I want and not have to worry about other client bookings. We were able to get away for the weekend together. I feel like a teenager in love.
He's always doing sweet little things for me. Love notes, or flowers and chocolates this next part is something that happened while the lines were still blurred between us but its an example of what a thoughtful person he is. We were in the mall together he had to get some fancy clothes for a work function and we were at Neiman Marcus. While we were there I saw a beautiful (and expensive) Carolina Herrera dress I fell in love with. I didn't mention it to him but he must have noticed me ogling the dress and talking about it with the sales lady. Well the next time we met he had a gift for me. That dress! Like I said he noticed. I didnt tell him or ask him for it he just picked up on it and got it for me. I dont need gifts of expensive designer dresses or jewelry from him, but its nice to know I have a partner who really listens and notices things and acts on it. Honestly I would be just as happy if it had been a pair of 15 dollar sweats from target that I really liked. Its really the thought that counts. Take a hint guys your ladies will appreciate it if you notice what they like and act on it without being told. It makes use feel special and like you really care enough to pay attention.
I've been spending a lot of time at his house. I'm there all the time now and spend the night on a regular basis. So much so that he got me my own toothbrush and products for me to keep in his bathroom. I know its early days yet but we are talking about me moving in with him when my lease expires.
His family alternates who hosts Thanksgiving every year and this year was his turn. So while the lines were still blurred he had invited me to come by to Thanksgiving with his family and friends. I wasn't sure at the time because I still didn't know where I was going but after we hooked up and made it official it was a no brainer that I would go. We talked about how we would introduce me and how we would say we met if asked. We agreed we would tell people we met on an online dating site. Its not that far from the truth. He first contacted me through an ad I had up on a "dating" site. So I made something to bring and then headed to his house early so I could help him in the kitchen. We both enjoy cooking so it was fun to work together in the kitchen. He started introducing me to everyone as his "girlfriend" and I dont know hearing that just made it so real and so official. Like this was really happening. I had little hearts floating around me all day. His family was thrilled to see him move on and his brother later pulled me aside and thanked me for making his brother happy again. That he hadn't seen his brother smile like that since his late wife passed and he knew it was because of me. I had to keep the tears from smudging my mascara and eyeliner.
Here's the thing. I know he hasn't entirely moved on yet. I dont want to push him or rush him. I know he loved her for years and she was taken from him. I know I cant ever fully "replace" her and that she will always have a place in his heart. Her clothes are still in his closet. He still has all her stuff. Is it wrong that I want his whole heart though? How much time do I give him? I agreed when this started to be patient with him because he was honest with me about not being over her death but still loved me and wanted to move forward with me. I know he feels guilty at times like he is dishonoring her memory. I think Thanksgiving helped because he saw how his family positively responded to him having someone new in his life. I just want him to heal and be able to be happy with me and not feel like hes cheating on her. Is there anything I can to help him with that? Or is it best if I just leave it alone and let him come to terms with that on his own? | ladyboner_22 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/onxy03/i_26f_am_an_escort_and_i_am_falling_in_love_with/ | onxy03 | 15,881 | 300 | [
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2021-07-20T11:44:01 | WIBTA if I kept my cat? | AITA | [Original post by u/Informal-Luck-9895](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/olgxup/wibta_if_i_kept_my_cat/)
Okay so last year in September me and my boyfriend (both 23) found a cat. It was very skinny and dirty, so we directly brought it to the shelter. In the car, she already started to lick my hand (I wrapped her in a blanket), which led us to believe that she was most likely a Pet and not just a stray. And it also meant I directly fell in love with her. So in the shelter, we (shyly) asked if we could maybe be allowed to foster this cat. We already have a cat (Nino), so already have the full equipment and knowledge. The cat was taken to a vet (general check up) and was quarantined for about 2 weeks (to make sure she doesn't have FIV), and during that time a person in the shelter visited me and my bf at home to see if we're fit to foster. Which we were and after the two weeks (we visited her in the shelter) we were able to take her (we called her Tikki) home. Tikki adjusted just fine, and she and Nino went along amazingly. She wasn't shy at all and it only took her a day to fully cuddle us. So this just proved our theory more that she was accustomed to humans.
The shelter started to look for her real owners. However, Tikki wasn't chipped (nor neutered, luckily Nino is so besides the typical cat-in-heat annoyance, there wasn't anything happening). So all they could do were hung out posters near the area where we found her and post her picture on social media. How it works where I live a shelter is only legally allowed to adopt out an animal after 6 months of the original owner not responding.
Which they didn't. So bf and I decided to officially adopt Tikki after the 6 months. All went well until two weeks ago.
We got a call from the shelter that apparently Tikki's former owners contacted them. They said that the family went through the shelters Facebook page and saw the old post where they posted about Tikki and now want her back. The shelter told them that Tikki had been officially 'rehomed', and the family apparently went really mad and demanded our name, phone number etc. Which the shelter didnt give them. So the family left their contacts with a note that they would pay us 500€ "for the inconvenience" and that their little children were really missing Tikki.
The shelter gave us the phone number of the family and the note, but reminded us that legally we were in the right and could keep Tikki if we wanted. I love this little beast with all my heart, but I also know how it feels to be a child and lose your pet. We haven't called the family yet and with every day I just feel more guilty
WIBTA if I kept Tikki?
EDIT: Small edit because a lot of people asked me about this: The family says they didnt see the posters in the street, because they didnt live in the streets that they were put in. They do live in the same town, but a different district and Tikki just wandered far. However, the shelter we worked together with would still be their local shelter, since our town only has two.
They also said that they tried looking on their own for Tikki, which is why they contacted the shelter so late.
Also small clarification on the timeline: We took in Tikki in end of September, sheltered her until April and officially adopted her then because the 6 months period was over. The owners were at the shelter two weeks ago.
And a lot of people asked if Nino and Tikki have Miraculous Ladybug names. I haven't watched she show, so the names are pure coincidence. Nino got his name from the game Ni No Kuni and Tikki from Tikka Masala, which was the first food she tried to steal from by bf (she is a notorious food thief)
EDIT/Update: I hope this is allowed with this subs rules!
First of all, thanks for all the comments. This blew up more than expected. Even if the verdict was NTA, my bf and I really wanted to know the Familie's side (you alll asked a lot of questions that also bugged us and we wanted to know everything). So this afternoon, my bf called them (he was the one on the phone, but I sat next to him). At first the dad picked up the phone and after we explained who we are, he cussed at us for stealing his cat. But after like 20 seconds, his wife took the phone and had a much calmer nature.
We talked to her about the issue then. We asked her why they only contacted the shelter so late and she explained that Tikki was an outdoor cat, that sometimes would wonder off but never far. So they hoped that she would just come back and when she didnt, they would drive around for themselves. Apparently her husband is quite anti-shelter because "they only give animals to rich people", so that's why he never called the shelter. We also asked her why Tikki wasn't chipped or neutered even though she was an outdoor cat. Apparently the person they bought Tikki from claimed she was already chipped and they didnt know you could neuter them before they were a year old. After Tikki was gone, husband was apparently quite happy to not have a cat around because he never was a big fan of cats anyways. It was actually the sister of the wife that found Tikki's Facebook post and after she showed it to them, the kids went ballistic and would cry non-stop about how they wanted Tikki back.
So husband was more or less forced to go to the shelter and demand her back. Wife was very apologetic about how her husband behaved and told us that "he might not like cats, but he loves his kids over everything and just wants them to be happy". But he didnt have much hope to get Tikki back (because of his anti shelter stance) and in the two weeks we didnt answer, they apparently already contacted a breeder to get a new cat for the children. Wife said she is really happy that Tikki is in good hands and has a playmate. She just asked if she could maybe get a picture of Tikki for her kids (as proof that she is okay) and we offered that she and the kids are welcome to visit Tikki and Nino (as one of you suggested). Which she accepted and joked that it could "keep the kids calm until the new cat arrives". We scheduled for next Thursday, and they apparently only live one district away from us, so a 5-10 minutes drive. We didnt say that but bf and I will definitely have a talk with them on how important it is to have an outdoor cat chipped and neutered. | wormhole222 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oo0fca/wibta_if_i_kept_my_cat/ | oo0fca | 6,339 | 480 | [
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2021-07-20T14:46:16 | OP shares the story of their kidnapping & of being saved by “Cigarette Guy” | r/LetsNotMeet |
OP is u/throwaway-exrac posted original 1.8yrs ago in r/LetsNotMeet
Link to original: https://reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/da3ivo/i_was_kidnapped_as_a_child/
Link to update: https://reddit.com/r/u_throwaway-exrac/comments/dogu5d/finding_the_man_who_saved_my_life_as_a_child/
I was kidnapped as a child.
(UPDATED)
I'm a girl. My mom was a horrible addict. She barely took care of me as a kid. At the time of this incident I was around 6 or 7 so my awareness and understanding of things happening may not totally make much sense. This happened in the 90s.
One night my mother and I were on a car ride, I wasn't sure why we were driving but it was late at night, I'm not sure what time it was but I assume it was really late because there weren't many cars on the street and I was sleeping in the back seat. I don't even remember getting in the car. My mom drove up to some sketchy house and left me in the car for what felt like forever. Suddenly the car door swung open and someone violently grabbed me by my arm and yanked me out of the car. I started screaming and crying until the man that grabbed me looked in my eyes and said "be quiet and don't try to run or I'll kill you" he had a scruffy beard and looked like a mad man. I was scared to death so I listened. He held me tight by my arm, shut the car door, and walked with me down the street.
I looked back at the house my mom was in hoping that my mom would come out the last second and save me. I looked at the house as long as I could as the man dragged me further and further away. As we walked down the street I wanted to cry but I was in shock and in fear. I didn't know what to do. If I sniffled or cried the man would tighten his grip and yell at me. I can't even explain how scared and confused I was. We walked for a little while and ended up in the projects. The projects were a bunch of buildings crammed together in a shitty neighborhood. We walked into one of the buildings and walked up a flight of stairs. My legs and feet hurt like hell but I was too scared to stop moving or complain.
We walked up another flight of stairs when I saw some random guy smoking a cigarette in the stairway. Then without warning the guy that kidnapped me fell to the ground. It happened so fast. I didn't know how the kidnapper fell to the ground so fast but the next thing I remember is the Cigarette guy was ounching and kicking the kidnapper in his head and face. The kidnapper was out cold. Cigarette guy picked up the kidnapper by the back of his jacket and threw him down the stairs. You have no idea how scary and violent it is to see an unconscious man fall down the stairs. To this day I still have a fear of falling down stairs. He bled everywhere.
I still have no idea how Cigarette guy knew to help me but I'm glad he did. Maybe he could see tears in my eyes, maybe he just picked up on something and had a bad vibe, but he acted instantly. The first second he could, he attacked my would-be kidnapper. Cigarette guy starts pacing back and forth swearing at himself, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists. I thought he was mad at me so I started to cry. He looked at me and said. "Okay okay okay okay shut up shut up" he had an attitude so I listened to him out of fear. I wasn't as scared of Cigarette guy as much as the bearded guy but I was still in fear of him. He started to ask me questions with an attitude "why are you out this late? Where are your parents? Why would you talk to strangers?" I was in so much shock and confusion I couldn't answer the man's questions correctly. He asked if I knew my way home and I told him I didn't. I told him a broken story about what happened and somehow with the information I gave him he knew where my mom's car was.
The only thing I remember about the road is passing a house with Christmas lights on it despite Christmas already being over. I think he knew the area well enough and figured out where I needed to go from that information but I honestly don't even remember telling him about the Christmas lights. Anyways he told me he would take me back if I promised over and over that I wouldn't tell the police that I saw him or anyone that looked like him and made me promise that I wouldn't even tell the police anything. He had an attitude I didn't care what he asked me I just wanted to go back to my mom so I agreed.
I followed him down the stairs. The bearded guy was still laying on the ground bleeding at the bottom of the stairs that Cigarette guy threw him down. He wasn't moving at all, for all I know he was dead and I hope now that he was. Cigarette guy stepped over the bearded guy and I followed. We walked outside and Cigarette guy looked around panicky. I remember him telling me "the police don't like me". We walked out of the projects and my feet still hurt. Cigarette guy was walking fast in a panic and I had to basically jog to keep up with him. I started crying and he asked what was wrong I told him my feet hurt and I remember him sucking his teeth and picking me up with an attitude. He awkwardly cradled me in both arms. He walked down the road for a moment. Then I remember him swearing and running behind a house or a building. A cop car was driving down the road, he put me down and told me to run to the police car. I tried to run but my legs could barely move and I was scared. The cop car kept driving and rode away without seeing me before I could even get remotely close to it.
He kept swearing to himself as he picked me up again and ran down the street. He took me behind a lot of houses and hid from every cop car that drove by, I assume now that the police were looking for me. He carried me in both arms running fast down the road when I saw my mom at her car in the distance. She was surrounded by police. Cigarette guy put me down and told me to run to the police. I got so excited the pain in my legs disappeared. He put me down and ran away.
I ran towards the police and my mom, my mom picked me up and hugged me tight. The police started to ask me and my mom questions. I dont remember too much about their questions but I remember my mom telling the police some convoluted story that just didn't make any sense. She basically told me to not say anything and I didn't say much but cried a whole bunch. We went home.
Days later my dad picked me up and knew something was wrong. I told him everything. I never lived with my mom again.
When I grew up and had time to think about that day I never forgave my mother. Not too long ago I asked my dad what he remembers about the situation and he told me what he thinks happened from what I explained to him from years ago. He said my mom was on a drug binge, I got kidnapped, someone saved me but the person that saved me had warrants and wasn't mad at me he was just frustrated with the situation that he had to deal with. Imagine being a criminal on the run and now you have a kidnapped girl with you and you just beat a guy up half to death. If he would have gotten caught with me he could be in jail for my kidnapping. With my mom lying and me being in shock and confused I wouldn't be able to tell them that the man helped me because while it was all happening I didn't even notice he was helping me. To the man that saved me thanks. To the man that tried to kidnap me, let's not meet.
UPDATE I think I found "Cigarette Guy" someone on reddit knows a man with a similar story. I hope both people are the same. So far it looks like it's the same man that saved me. I'll keep everyone posted.
Update 2- I need help. My update post was removed by the mods. I don't want to break any of the rules on here so how do I keep everyone updated without getting my posts removed?
Update 3- I finally received confirmation. I found Cigarette guy! Die to the rules of this subreddit I can't keep posting updates, so I'll update people on my reddit profile.
Update post:
Finding the man who saved my life as a child.
Story of what happened to me
https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/da3ivo/
I first posted my story on a subreddit just to speak about what happened to me. I never expected it to get as much attention as it did, I just felt like I had to get my story out. Recently someone commented on my original post claiming to know someone who could be "Cigarette Guy" because they had said a story similar to mine, the locations and small details that I left out seemed to match up. I simply had to wait for the commenter to get in contact with the "hopefully" Cigarette Guy.
The way the commenter knew him was they were online friends and played videogames together. The commenter was on a work trip so he couldn't contact Cigarette Guy for a few days. So I had to wait for a little while for contact to be made between them. Today the commenter got in touch with me, he told me he talked to Cigarette guy and said a few more details that confirmed that it was the man that saved me when I was a kid! I'm so excited I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm currently waiting to get his phone number so I can talk to him. I want to thank him and see how he's doing. We talked a little bit between his friend sending messages back and forth but we're trying to set something up so we can actually speak to each other personally.
I just wanted to thank everyone for their nice words and well wishes. I'm thankful for everyone interested in my story because it ended up reaching someone that knew the person who saved me and we have the chance to be back in contact after all of these years.
Due to the rules of the subreddit I originally posted my story on I can't keep updating people there so I decided to put my thanks and updates here on my own page. If you have any questions or comments leave them bellow.
UPDATE 1- I had the chance to talk to him a few days ago. He was cautious and didn't know if he could trust me but after a little while he opened up and we talked for a good amount of time. There are a lot of questions he answered for me but I'm not sure exactly what he would feel comfortable with me sharing with everyone, so I plan on speaking to him again soon and asking him what he would want. He is in a better position in life and handled his legal troubles.
Update 2 - I spoke to him again. He is in good spirits. We talked about a whole bunch of things. If anyone has questions you can ask below.
*I suggest going to their profile to view all the comments that elaborate more but pasting a couple of them below, these are all from the update post:*
1)
Initially he seemed very cautious and in disbelief. It took me a few moments to gain his trust. There were a few things he didn't want me to talk about understandably so but after we talked for a while and he became very happy and excited. He's a very enthusiastic person.
2)
He did not know the kidnapper. The kidnapper wasn't even from the projects. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, he said he knew the people that lived on the floor above and they wouldn't have anyone that looked like the kidnapper around their home. He assumed the kidnapper was taking me to the roof because people would do a ton of sketchy things on the roofs of the project buildings. He said the kidnapper paused when they made eye contact and he could tell that the kidnapper was up to no good. So he just took a drag of his cigarette and acted like he didn't care. He didn't want the kidnapper to run away. When the kidnapper walked up the stairs, Cigarette Guy attacked him as soon as he came close enough.
3)
Well he was very honest with me and answered everything for me. I'm just not sure what he would or wouldn't want me to tell everyone. I think a youtuber is trying to set up an interview with him to ask him a bunch of things? But I'm honestly not too sure. But everything he told me made complete sense and I agreed with everything he did. I understand why he did the things he did for the reasons he did them. But to answer your question he didn't want to talk about the kidnapper or what happened to him.
4)
Well he remembered me telling him small details about my mother, her car and how I got into the situation. He remembered what I wore and some things I said to him while he carried me. When I ran toward the first police car that drove by us, I didn't make it very far. I fell to the ground and started to cry. He picked me up awkwardly. He told me he didn't know how to carry a kid so he held me under my legs with one arm and under my shoulder and neck area. He said while he was running around with me I was nodding out like I was tired. He said he could tell I was exhausted and I kept asking for my mom. He said a few other small details that made came right back to me when he told me. | sammybr00ke | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oo3gh0/op_shares_the_story_of_their_kidnapping_of_being/ | oo3gh0 | 12,727 | 556 | [
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2021-07-20T16:25:34 | Redditors make OP realize that her boyfriend is treating her like crap after he almost ruined a movie for her. | AITA | [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ok8d1a/aita_for_shutting_off_the_movie_half_way_through/) by \[deleted\]
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**AITA for shutting off the movie half way through and making my boyfriend feel bad?**
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My boyfriend (Wyatt) and I always watch movies together every time we have off days that end up on the same day. Especially since the pandemic. And we go back and forth on who picks the movie. But I've noticed he's usually talking through my movie choices. Either pointing out 'plot holes' or just talking down about the movie in one way or another.
I never act this way when it's his turn to pick the movie. Even if I don't care for it. Like the last movie he chose, The Fountain. I was so confused until half way through and then bored the rest of the film. But I didn't talk during the movie or constantly dump on it either. And even at the end when he asked what I thought I said it was alright, even though I thought the movie wasn't good. It tried to do a bunch of different things all at once and ended up doing nothing. But he seemed really fond of it so I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
But he doesn't seem to have that mindset when it comes to him watching my picks. I've told him to shush and to just watch the movies but he just sighs loudly and says they're boring. If I tell him to stop he gets all huffy and goes totally silent and usually takes his phone out to play a game or scroll the internet, totally ignoring me and the movie. It really hurts my feelings.
And yesterday was my turn to choose again, and I picked a good movie that really hit me hard as a kid (I bawled when I first watched it and still tear up to this day). And I told him this movie was special to me but he barely got 10 minutes into it before he started up saying it was boring and childish. It is a kids movie but that doesn't make it boring. I was getting upset and before the big part of the movie even got close I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like him acting this way during a super important part would ruin the movie for me, maybe forever, so I just got up and turned it off.
He asked what I was doing and I told him I didn't want to have the movie ruined for me so it was better if I just turn it off. He said I was being a baby and to turn it back on. I refused and just told him to pick something to watch instead, then I sat on the couch. He got mad and said if I was gonna be dramatic like this then he didn't want to watch anything with me and got up and went to his room and slammed the door.
This happened the other day and he's been giving me the cold should and when I asked why he said he wants an apology for making him feel like dirt. Should I apologize? Did I really make a huge deal out of just a movie? AITA?
**I've gotten a LOT of comments and IMs asking what the movie I chose was. It was The Bridge to Terabithia. It's not the best movie ever but it was the first 'kids' movie I watched when I was young that really moved me and made me cry.**
**/**
**Uh hey. Final(?) edit. I ended up having to call my parents who called the cops on Wyatt.**
**I read all the advice from everyone saying he wasn't respecting my interests or me as a person and it got me thinking and stuff I ignored or overlooks before started popping out to me. Stuff that didn't seem fair to me that I'd just put up with because I loved him. And so many people told me to just break up with him and I could do better. But I was in love and he was my first serious boyfriend, and I really just wanted to work things out and get through this thing with him.**
**So I tried to sit down and have a serious talk with him, just hoping he'd listen this time. I told him how he acted made me feel and his behavior during my movie choices ruined the experience for me. And I told him I never act that way during his movies because I know he likes them and I respect him and don't want to be mean or belittle his interests, even if they don't interest me. About then he told me I was being dramatic again and they were just stupid movies and he tried excusing his behavior by saying my movie choices suck anyways.**
**I was just so tired by this point and wanted some space and quiet to think about where we go from here. So I started to ask him to go back to his apartment for the night but he interrupted me by yelling how since I couldn't have my way I was kicking him out. It really scared me because he'd never screamed at me before, even when he'd raise his voice during arguments he never full on screamed at me. I tried to get him to calm down but he started calling me a bunch of nasty stuff and even backed me up against a wall and grabbed my bicep hard enough to bruise I saw later, I panicked and ran to the bathroom and locked it behind me.**
**He banged on the door, telling me to come out and I was crying and couldn't think of anything else to do but call my parents. Mom answered and she could hear him screaming and the banging in the background. Her and dad were freaked out and dad called the cops. Long story short the cops and my folks showed up and Wyatt was removed from my apartment and my parents told him not to come back or we'd get a restraining order.**
**It's almost 10:30pm now and I've locked my apartment up and am currently staying with my mom and dad for a while. Thanks for the advice everyone. But Wyatt and I are pretty much over and I think I'm done with this account and I'll be logging off now.** | MissBarker93 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oo5g7j/redditors_make_op_realize_that_her_boyfriend_is/ | oo5g7j | 5,493 | 2,057 | [
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2021-07-20T17:30:22 | OP solves a mystery: When I was around 10 I met a strange boy who seemed to appear from nowhere, him and I became super close friends but after about a year he disappeared. I never found a way of contacting him again. Possible encounter? | r/Ghoststories | [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Ghoststories/comments/oisgly/when_i_was_around_10_i_met_a_strange_boy_who/)
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/Ghoststories/comments/olfakz/update_when_i_was_around_10_i_met_a_strange_boy/)
This is going to be a long one, so you'll have to bear with me while I try and explain everything. But there is a TLDR at the bottom if you want to read that instead.
Okay, so I was probably around 10/11 years old the first time I remember the boy turning up. It was the middle of summer and my friends and I were swimming in a lake in one of my parents' fields. I grew up in a small farmers town, with a population of no more than 200 and so everyone knew everyone. There were two schools in the town, one for boys and one for girls, I'm not sure why they split them by gender, and I'm pretty sure both have merged now, but that's what it was like when I lived there.
I'm going to tell it how I remember it happening, but my friend who was there at the time remembers it *slightly* differently than I do.
So, as I was saying, my friends (I think it was about 4 of us in total) and I were swimming in the lake at the bottom of one of my parents' fields. It was about a 15 minute walk from my main house.
We had been playing there for a while, when we heard someone calling to us. We looked over and saw the boy standing at the edge of the lake, completely naked. Once we noticed him he shouted if he could play with us.
He looked to be around the same age as us, maybe a little older but not by much. He was super pale, like white pale. I remember being amazed and kind of jealous of his super bright green eyes. He also had shoulder length white blond hair, like Draco Malfoy blond.
I looked to my friends and we said yeah and he came in the lake with us. None of us recognised him. Which as I said was weird because we had all lived in this tiny town for our whole lives and everyone basically knew everyone living there.
He introduced himself as Richard but he said he prefers if we called him Richie, so we did. I remember asking Richie where he was from, but he would go all awkward and would never give a straight answer.
Anyway, after a while more of playing in the lake Richie seemed fun and I invited him to come back to my house for supper, he straight away said he would love to come and my friend was like "Don't you need to ask your mum?" to which Richie said something like "Oh she won't mind.”
Remember how I said Richie was completely naked, well that wasn't so strange. In fact I'm pretty sure we all were. My friends and I were all boys and we would skinny dip in the lake normally so it didn't stick out to me when he first arrived like that. But what did stick out to me was when we got out of the lake dried and dressed ourselves, Richie had no clothes with him to get dressed into. Which I remember thinking was super weird but he said something like "Oh I must have forgot to bring them." Which again, I thought was very weird, like how do you forget your clothes. I wasn't sure how my parents would react to me bringing home a naked boy, so I gave him my briefs and my overshirt to put on. But yeah, that stuck out as very odd.
My friends went back home and Richie and I went to my house. My dad was like “where’s his clothes?” I just made something up. I’m pretty sure I said something like his clothes got wet so we left them in the sun to dry.
I got him some trousers to put on. We ate supper, which I remember him having 3 or 4 plates of. As I said, Richie is a super skinny boy, I was pretty small and skinny at the time. But he was definitely more skinny than I was, so I was confused how he ate so much lol
Richie was super polite and sweet to everyone while he was at my house. After supper I took him upstairs to my room and we played on my Nintendo 64 together. He had never seen one before and was super amazed by it. At the time I thought he had never seen one because they were so old, this was 2010. But my family was poor and that's all I had. It started to get dark and I asked him if he wanted to sleep over, he was really excited by that and said yeah. I checked with my parents but I knew they wouldn't mind because they were both super drunk. So we continued playing on N64 until it was super late.
After a while, I said it was time that we went to bed as I was tired but I don't remember him seeming tired at all. Richie asked if he could shower before as we had been playing in my fields and he was really muddy. As he was showering I made my bed for us, and put a movie on the TV for us to watch as we went to sleep and I got into bed. Richie came in like 5 minutes later and was completely naked again. I was like "did you walk from the bathroom like that?" he was like yeah and didn't seem to care at all, so even though I thought it was strange I didn't say anything. He got into my bed, I asked him if he wanted any pyjamas and he said no it was too hot, which to be fair I do remember it being really hot that day.
I had a Scooby Doo movie on and he was really excited by it, and didn't know anything about them, which I guess isn't too weird. But looking back, he didn't seem to know any pop culture stuff at all, I mean, we were pretty behind the times in my small town but we still knew most pop culture.
I had slept in quite a lot the next day, but when I woke up Richie wasn't in my room. I went and asked my mum if she'd seen him and she said he left early that morning after his parents rang our house, how they knew he was with us or where to ring I'm still not sure. Richie had taken some shorts from my room because my mom said he couldn't leave without clothes on.
I was a little disappointed he left without me, or at least without saying goodbye or without leaving any way of contacting him again. He turned up again a couple days later when my friends and I were swimming in the lake again. This time he brought clothes, but I'm pretty sure he only brought some briefs and a shirt with no pants. Which again, I thought was weird.
Over the next year, him and I became super close. We were like brothers. Over the year, I asked if I could see his home or meet his family. But any time I asked anything personal about him, he would go awkward and not want to talk about it. Or he would just change the subject. But I could see it made him feel uncomfortable, so I didn’t push him to tell me. He did tell me he was homeschooled, which I thought was cool. Because I’m my mind that meant no school.
As I said, we became really close over the year. I felt like he was more than a friend to me. It’s difficult to explain, it’s almost like we clicked from the first time we met. We became close really quick, and I felt like I could tell him anything and he would always help and support me. He helped me through so many hard times, and he definitely encouraged me to be a better person. It was almost as if he could sense when I was going through anything. For example when my Grandma passed away, I went out into my fields to cry as I didn't want to do it in front of my family. But after sitting down in some random place Richie turned up and sat next to me, he said some things that I remember helping me a lot. When I asked him how he found me he said that we was just on a walk.
Not too long after this, he just vanished. It had been a little over a year since the first time he appeared at the lake. It was around September the year after, so it had been around a year and 2/3 months. He never turned up again, never said goodbye, never left a trace. I was massively upset, I really really missed him. I would walk around the fields looking for him and I would hang out by the lake where we first met. Hoping that he would turn up, but he never did again.
I still don't know what happened to him, I've tried searching social media for him but with no luck and since he would never tell me that much about his life I don't have that much to go on. I asked my parents what they remember of him. They said they remember him being odd, and that they were unsure about him at first, especially how he had a tendency to strip naked whenever he felt like it. But they also said that he and I were inseparable and wherever I was he was sure to be found there too. They said they remember me being heartbroken when he stopped appearing, and they weren't sure whether they should call the police about him being gone, but they never did. (I kind of wish they did)
I suppose this is a long shot, but if you're reading this Richie, reach out to me. I'd love to speak to you again and get some answers to all the weird things about you.
It’s completely possible that there isn’t anything paranormal about Richie, but it is definitely strange.
**TLDR:** A boy turned up out of nowhere in my small town. He was quite weird and didn't know much about pop culture. Him and I became super close friends really quickly and spent almost every day together. Until one day, after about a year, he disappeared. Never turned up to hang out with me again. I didn't have any way of contacting him as he would always avoid answering any personal questions.
***UPDATE:*** I am visiting my parents for a couple weeks, I will search the house for any photos us Richie and I that I could share here. Though, with 7 older brothers and a lot of family photos I'm not sure I'll find anything. Also, there is a fun day at the local church to celebrate the schools breaking up for summer holiday. As suggested by a commenter, I am going to attend the coffee morning where all the old people who live in the village go. Even if this means waking up at 7am. I am going to be asking around to see if anyone remembers Richie. I will update this thread tomorrow if I find anything!
Thank you everyone for your help!
***UPDATE 2:*** I have asked around at my local church today, no one seemed to remember Richie. I started to lose a little hope. But word must have spread around that I was looking for someone. Because an old lady (I'll call her Sharon in this), who I know, but haven't ever really spoken to before, came up to me. She says she *thinks* she might know Richie's maternal great aunt. She is going to try and find the contact details for me so I can reach out and see if the great aunt has any info on Richie. Sharon says if Richie is does belong to the family she's thinking of, then he would have lived at a cottage around an hour and 15 minute walk from the main village. She said the cottage is secluded, with no neighbours. Sharon has no idea why they disappeared, but she said she isn't that close to Richie's great aunt.
I hope this is good news, I might actually be a step closer to finding Richie again. I'll update with anymore news if I find any. I'm hoping that this possible aunt is still alive and hasn't changed contact details. Wish me luck!
***UPDATE 3*** I have contacted Richie's potential great aunt (PGA for short lol), with no luck. I called the number that Sharon gave to me a couple times. With no answer, though I have left a message explaining who I am. I am sent a letter first class to the address that Sharon gave me as well, which should get there tomorrow or the day after. Hopefully the PGA is still living at the address and I am able to get some answers. In the letter I also explained why I was interested in contacting her, and I gave my phone number if she would like to call me instead of writing back. I will update as soon as have anything new. Oh, and one more thing. I visited the cottage where Sharon thought Richie could have been living. The cottage is abandoned, and run down. Seems likely that he could have been living here. It gave off massive creepy vibes though.
***UPDATE 4:*** I have heard back from the PGA, I'll name her Jane. Someone suggested that I check if the number was linked to any apps like WhatsApp. It was, and I reached out to Jane on there. This seemed to do the trick and she messaged me back relatively quickly. After describing Richie to her, she said pretty confidently that she *is* related to Richie. This is where things take a bad turn. Jane hasn't been in contact with Richies family for many years. But she does have the phone number of Richie's older sister. I had no idea he even had any siblings at all. Jane insinuated that I won't find what I'm looking for when contacting Richie's sister. I fear the worst, it seems as though something has happened to Richie. Jane told me that Richie's sister will be able to tell me more, gave me her number and then hung up the phone. I'm incredibly anxious to reach out to Richie's sister. This could be the end to the search that has taken me so long. But I fear that it isn't the ending that I have dreamed of. I will update this thread once I know more.
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\*\*\*UPDATE\*\*\*
This is an update to my original post from a couple days ago. Which can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Ghoststories/comments/oisgly/when_i_was_around_10_i_met_a_strange_boy_who/) Though my original post was only around 4 days ago, that is eternity in reddit time. So I am not sure if anyone will even care about this update.
First and foremost, I want to thank each and everyone one of you who have helped with through this process and have helped me find closure on my childhood best-friend and my first and only true love.
This journey has been difficult, many years I have searched for answers on where Richie is now. Sadly, it is not good news. Deep down, I think I feared and perhaps avoided searching for Richie in case this was the outcome.
With the help of everyone here and so many lovely commenters, I tracked down a distant relative to Richie. Who put me in contact with Richie's older sister. A sister that I did not know existed. For the sake of clarity I will name the sister Sarah. Sarah helped put into context Richie, his odd behaviour, his unwillingness to show me his home and his disappearance.
Sarah and Richie both suffered abuse and neglect at the hands of their father. Their father, who suffered with severe mental health issues and drug-related problems for most of his adult life. Their father was terrified of the outside world, and thus kept them secluded away in secret. According to Sarah, their father was convinced that the world was months away from ending at any given time. He was convinced that the devil was planning to take over his mind and body. And was convinced that Jesus had spoken to him, and told him the only way to keep him and his family safe was to keep them secluded from the outside world. Sarah shared that their father would not *often* be physically abusive, which I suppose is of some relief.
Richie and his family would move often throughout his childhood. Never staying in one place for too long as his father feared that the devil would soon find them. Sarah said they were most likely moved in the middle of the night with no forewarning. Though she can't remember the specific time they were moved from my town. This helps to explain how Richie seemed to appear one day, and disappear 15 months later.
Richie passed away at age 15, around 2 and a half years after vanishing from my town. Sarah struggled to go into the details of Richie's death and I didn't want to push her into sharing something that was painful for her. Though it seemed that Richie took his own life. Sarah told me that Richie would often speak of me, and the time we spent together. And that all Richie ever wanted to do was to come back and find me. Sadly, he never managed that. She said she thought that I was just imaginary. She isn't sure how Richie would sneak out of the house to meet with me, but said that their father would keep them locked in their rooms for days and sometimes weeks at a time.
Sarah told me she has a collection of Richie's diaries, which I do remember him writing occasionally. She has offered to send them to me, which is lovely of her. She told me that a lot of the writing is about me, about our time together, about how he wanted to find me again so we could run away together. Again she never thought I was a real person. Hearing that was so incredibly bittersweet. I look forward to reading those diaries, even though it will be incredibly difficult at the same time.
She said she is glad that Richie managed to have an impact on someone on this world. I wish that I was able to express the impact that Richie had on my life. I wish I could tell Richie the impact he had on my life. I want everyone to know Richie. I want everyone to know what an amazing, kind and beautiful person Richie was.
This post is difficult for me to write. Deep down, I think that I resisted searching for Richie more in case this was the outcome. Sarah told me a lot more information, but I've decided to leave out most to respect her privacy. Sarah is away and safe from her father, which I am so glad about.
Again, I just want to express how thankful I am for all of you who have helped. For all of you who have offered emotional support. Thank you so much.
Richie, I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I'm sorry I didn't pick up on the signals that you were in danger. I hope you can forgive me. Richie you were the only true friend I've ever had, it's so hard for me to write this. I feel so sick that I didn't do more. Richie, I want you to know you saved me so many times throughout my life. So many low moments in my life have been helped because of the memories of you. I am so sorry I wasn't there for you the same way you were there for me.
I love you so much Richie. | Blue_Karou2 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oo6s9m/op_solves_a_mystery_when_i_was_around_10_i_met_a/ | oo6s9m | 17,846 | 2,736 | [
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2021-07-20T17:55:23 | "Caught wife trying to cheat with my friend from her iwatch": a saga of 5 parts | Relationship_Advice | [**Original Post - October 27 2020**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jixclc/caught_wife_trying_to_cheat_with_my_friend_from/)
I’m writing this from my phone so bare with me if it’s formatted wrong.
So last night my wife of 7 years decided to have a chill out night. After dinner she went to the den and was watching her programmes while I flitted between watching the spurs football game and doing some odds and ends that I had planned. Next thing I know she’s got the wine out and has had two bottles of the stuff. At around midnight I went to check on her and seen she was out cold on the couch. I went to scoop her up when her iwatch thing buzzed and a message popped up on the screen. It said something along the lines of “haha I can’t do that *my name* would knock 7 shades of shit out of me :p :p”.
I wondered what the fuck that was all about so I pressed on it and it was a conversation between my wife and a friend of mine. Now I wouldn’t say this guys a close friend of mine but he’s someone I’ve played 5 a sides with for years, drank with and have known since we were teenagers. We used to call him jacket holder because when we got into scraps as teens he’d always be the guy holding the jackets while everyone else went for it.
Right so as I said I pushed on the conversation while this thing is still attached to her wrist and scroll up to the top and as far as I can tell it’s him that contacts her first(unless she’s deleted). There’s lots of flirting and wink winking going on but nothing that you could outright say was cheating then I get to last night and when she’s drunk she starts openly begging him for sex I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes. I’m paraphrasing here because I can’t remember the exact words but she was saying shit like how much she had always wanted him, how no one would ever find out if he did want to do something and the last one that fucking killed me...that she was great at keeping secrets.
I tried to scroll on her watch but couldn’t find any other messages and I don’t know her phone pass code. I put her in her bed and just sat in the kitchen in shock until I fell asleep...then got up for work about 5.30. When I went to get in my work van I just slunked down on the wheel and realised I couldn’t face it so I went back in the house grabbed a half drunk bottle of vodka, filled to the top with coke and went on a walk down the railway line(we live beside a lot of woodland and a disused railway line that goes for miles and I’ve walked about half the length of it. I’m sitting under a railway bridge like a fucking troll right now just seething at the whole thing. You’d probably think there’s a fire going from about a mile away due to the steam coming out of my ears.
So what do I do? I don’t want to speak to her, I can’t even bare to look at her after reading that shit it was like a dagger through my heart, I just feel like every morsel of love I had for her has evaporated into thin air after reading her begging like that...fucking yuk. I honestly want to ghost her man, if I could I would never speak to her again. The whole I’m great at keeping secrets was the thing that really got me though like who even are you? It reeks but it’s a case of how far down the rabbit hole do I want to go?
I don’t care if I’m being honest I’m just done...I’ve never felt so betrayed and disgusted in all my life. The thing is I’ve invested so much in her not just as a partner, but as a person. I loved her so much and thought her personality and by extension my personality reflected that of good people. To realise she’s a backstabbing snake makes me feel like a snake, I feel like a worse person than I was yesterday. The only way I can describe it is for someone you looked up to, took advice and life lessons from to suddenly find out they were a pedo or a rapist or just a downright creep...you’re entire perception of yourself and who you are would be shattered, because you’ve took on board what they’ve said and invested time into a creep. God I’m rambling nonsense I apologise.
I’m lucky in that our house is owned by my parents, who 6 years ago moved to a retirement village and we moved in. The house will be bequeathed to me when they die but I don’t and hopefully won’t own it for a long time. They couldn’t be bothered with the upkeep and all the problems etc and wanted to see out their final days in peace so when we do divorce my soon to be ex won’t be getting her hands on it.
So what do I do then? I’m honestly thinking of just not saying a word and throwing her right out. Also while walking here it went through my mind to get my mate who’s a locksmith to quietly change the locks today(i could feed her any old garbage about something from the doors being broken, she won’t care what’s going on anyways, as long as I’m about). Then after he’s done lock the front door and tell her to come out and look at something out the back, when she comes out just run back in and lock the door behind me. That sounds childish as fuck doesn’t it? Ach seriously though I don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m staring at a bottle right now and my life feels like it has been ripped apart at the seems.
As for that prick so called friend of mine, there’s no doubt he was up to something here. There’s also no doubt I wouldn’t have caught wind of this at all so I’ll be seeing him very soon, never mind holding jackets he’ll be holding his face.
TLDR- Caught wife trying to openly cheat on me with someone I considered a Friend from her iwatch.
Edit to update - Have went to a friends house to calm down, I threw the vodka away. She has been texting me asking where I am as my work van is still in the drive way. I text her saying there is a problem with the engine so I got a lift into work...I’ll make my move tonight.
[**Update 1 - October 28 2020**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jju456/update_to_caught_wife_trying_to_cheat_with_my/)
Original post - [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/jixclc/caught\_wife\_trying\_to\_cheat\_with\_my\_friend\_from/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jixclc/caught_wife_trying_to_cheat_with_my_friend_from/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my first post, was really appreciated. So yesterday after I had written the post and was in a complete mess, two dog walkers came over to check on me as I was obviously concerning them. I told them everything, they listened and the first thing one of them said to me was “son, the worst thing you can do right now is drink, it’ll cause carnage”. I have to thank her for that because I was on the highway to hell at that point. I threw the vodka away, got in touch with a friend and he said I could come to his for a while to calm down(he was at work but told me where the spare key was)...we live in a small town of around 15,000 people and he wasn’t too far away so once I got there I sat on his couch just trying to calm down.
Throughout the morning I was getting multiple texts and phone calls from my wife asking where I was and what the hell was up as my work van was still sitting in the drive way and I was no where to be seen. I text her back telling her that there was a problem with the engine so I got a lift into work which she seemed to buy as she just text back saying ok.
When my friend got back from his work at about 5 o clock I told him everything that had happened and asked him his opinion. I also told him not to tell anyone about jacket holder as that might then get back to my wife which I didn’t want at this point,I would deal with him later. By that I mean I’ll expose what a little rat he is, knocking fuck out of him doesn’t help me at all as of now. As an aside to the people saying he done nothing wrong, he messaged my wife first, he was being extremely flirty...what the fuck is he even playing at messaging my wife for in the first place he only knows her in passing, from afar...Look I’ve got no problem with two adults conversing with each other but they hardly knew each other and it was flirty from the start(as far as I could tell). I think they’ve seen each other while out and about and it’s gotten flirty then.
So my friend convinced me to try and keep a low profile, and see what I could dig up but at the same time speak to a Lawyer and get the ball rolling in terms of finding out my options(which I have done today). He took me home about 6 o clock and I was honestly dead on my feet by that point, I think the adrenaline pumping the entire day then suddenly stopping knocks it right out of you so I was extremely tired when I got home.
The second I walked through the door I knew something was up as my wife was on me right away asking me all sorts of questions about work, i asked her why does she even care and she said that I’d left my big flask and my lunch bag in the front passenger side seat and something’s been up today she could feel it.
I was about to lie but I was just too tired, I couldn’t be bothered putting any sort of charade up so I just said yeah there is something up, that when I was putting her drunken arse to bed last night a message came up on her iwatch, which I read...and all the other ones...and that she was a fucking disgusting cheat that i wanted nothing more to do with. Her demeanour went from an arms crossed person in power to scared little girl within about a second. Good at keeping secrets eh? Begging that little rat for sex eh? Yep, read it all.
She started sobbing and I just walked away and upstairs into the shower. When I got out she was sitting on the top stair crying still and the excuses started right away. How she was drunk, vulnerable, had never done anything like that before, how he had messaged her first and it didn’t mean anything, she was never gonna go through with it. Pretty much everything that everyone on here was saying she would say, like she had the playbook out. The only thing she didn’t do was try and blame me, she probably knew I would’ve thrown her right out the door if she had tried that shit.
I told her that I wanted a divorce and her out of the house within a month. Also told her that she was moving to the spare room. I’ve been pretty much ignoring her ever since just scowling at her and shaking my head when she starts waffling nonsense, I don’t want to hear it.
She slept in the spare room last night and I haven’t spoken to or texted with her at all today. If I’m lucky maybe she’ll be gone when I get back from work but my lucks not that good I suppose. On getting her out though I was telling my parents what was happening today and my mother was adamant I wasn’t throwing her out on to the streets. Her and my mother are close and always have been(we’d have been together 11 years in December). My mother was saying she made a mistake and that we should sort it out like adults, that we’ve been through too much together and that she didn’t actually do anything it was just words. She completely took her side over mine, couldn’t believe it. Could this fuck me here? Like do I have no right to ask her to leave if my mother is against it? It’s literally gonna be my house when my parents pass and I did nothing wrong so I’m not leaving. It’s probably gonna turn into war of the roses part 2.
I managed to get myself an appointment with a divorce lawyer for next week so I’ll be going to that to discuss my options. Until then I’m just gonna ignore my soon to be ex wife I guess. I know she’s probably not gonna admit anything else now, I’ll never know if she was a really good liar or she was just talking shit to him to get him onside with her for an affair.
Anyways sorry about the delay in the update, Just got the chance to write it now as I’m finishing work. Well back to the funhouse I guess.
[**Update 2 - December 2 2020**](https://www.removeddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/k5dbss/update_caught_wife_trying_to_cheat_with_my_friend/)
Monday 16th November
Hi, I thought I’d give an update since a lot of people have been personal messaging me asking for one.
It’s now been 20 days since I found out my wife was trying to cheat on me with my friend and the situation has become hellish. I gave her a month to get out and she’s been sleeping in the spare room but it’s clear now she doesn’t have any intention of going after she got in the ear of my mother. She doesn’t have anywhere to go at any rate but that’s not my problem. I’ve seen my divorce lawyer multiple times, and am now in the process of drawing up a divorce petition and having my wife served divorce papers. I’ve also opened my own bank account and taken 50 percent of the balance from our shared account.
The atmosphere around the house has been weird to say the least. The living room has turned into a no-mans land where no one frequents as we both spend the majority of our times in our rooms(I’ve also intentionally been working late a lot so I don’t have to interact with her much). I had been completely ignoring her but after reading about the 180, have started implementing that and been civil if a little cold towards her. I’m so glad I did this as I was beginning to feel like a monster refusing to acknowledge her existence, it was not the right way to behave and I ended up feeling like the one who had wronged her, rather than the other way about.
The only time I broke from the 180 was when I walked into the bathroom last week and she was sitting on the floor by the bath crying, I helped her up and instinctively gave her a hug though it was more of a ‘there there’ type hug than one with much love attached to it. The sad thing is that I’m so suspicious of her now that I wouldn’t put it past her to be waiting on me coming in so she could put on a performance. The thing is that probably isn’t even true, but this is the sort of shit that’s going through my head in this environment, it’s just toxic.
She’s been crowing about how she’ll do anything and everything to save this marriage, anything to prove to me that it was just a silly mistake, so I brought up a lie detector test. I don’t plan on ever getting one done, wouldn’t even know where to start, I just wanted to gauge her reaction. She was all for it...well until a few hours later when she came to me, tablet in hand, going on about how inaccurate they are...and that anxiety and nervousness can throw up false readings...and with her and her anxiety disorder an all. I just laughed, wasn’t even a normal like chuckle either. It started as a bit of a cackle and ended in a childish giggle. It appears she would do everything to save this marriage...well everything except take a lie detector test that is...hmm.
It doesn’t even matter anyway, I meant what I said in my op, every morsel of love i had for her dissipated into the atmosphere after I read her say those horrible things. I don’t see her as my true love anymore, the person I could tell anything to and would trust with my life. I just see trash, trash that needs taken out before it stinks the place up.
Jacket holder has been the talk of the town since I exposed him to our friend group a few weeks back. It’s safe to say he has no friends left among us, and has been completely ostracised. I tried phoning him a few times but he refused to answer then blocked my number. Fuck that little rat I hope it was worth it.
I’ve spoken to my mother multiple times about this and during a heated argument asked her why she was taking my wife’s side, like was there something she wasn’t telling me here? What was she expecting? Us to live like roommates? Go on like nothing happened? It’s ridiculous. She said she has always seen my wife as the daughter she never had but always wanted, my mother had a stillborn daughter before I was born and it has haunted her, so she latched on to my wife and has done since we got together. As I said previously, they have a close bond. The fact my wife doesn’t have any family and only a few friends who have their own busy lives and families means if I threw her out she would be all alone and my mum thinks that’s unacceptable especially during a pandemic.
She tried to get me to come to a compromise saying that in 3 or 4 months we can look at it again and see where we are mentally and is pushing me to try couples counselling before I throw in the towel. I’m not doing that, the thought of being in the same house as my wife over Christmas makes me feel ill. She’ll want to do it right as she does every year and it’ll be a complete shit show. My Dad, God love him, has never been much of a talker. Never up nor down just always there. He’s a quiet, proud but timid man and my mothers word has always been the one that matters in our house.
People on here have been telling me that I’m selfish and spoiled cos it’s not my house and I have no right to make demands but it’s now a case of my wife or me for my parents. If worse comes to worst then I’m ready to walk out the door and never come back. Fuck this house, I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror with some semblance of self respect and someone has to keep their word in this debacle. If I do leave, my friend has said I can stay with him for a few weeks or so til I get myself sorted. If I do walk out that door though, I’m done with my parents, I’ll never speak to them again in my life. They’ll probably see it as me giving up on them, me walking away without trying to at least have a go at fixing things first. I see it as them choosing someone who broke my heart over me. Like what will be the logistics of this once I’m gone? Just her staying there herself, my mother and father looking after a backstabber while their flesh and blood goes off alone? A little more info on the house, my parents let us move in a year after our wedding, it was an apparent belated wedding gift...although that was just the chatter from them at the time, they were always planning on moving out and moving us in. I’ve spent tens of thousands on it over the years but that’s neither here nor there.
I have fantasies of leaving this all behind, going somewhere new and starting again, but I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’ve lived in this town my entire life, it’s all I know. Am I being too harsh here? I’m literally ready to slingshot my parents right out of my life but I feel so torn. Why am I the one who has to lose everything and everyone? I’ve tried to be good, and I always thought you make your own luck, and that good things happen to good people. Maybe I’m not as good as I think I am, maybe I deserve all I fucking get. —————————————————————————————————— Wednesday December 2nd
Well since this morning I no longer call that house home. I seen on the calendar that my wife had a hospital appointment with her ophthalmologist, so knowing she would be gone for few hours I took that as an opportunity to get my stuff together and move out, which I have. After getting my things moved and sorted, I just put the house keys on the kitchen table, along with the divorce papers I received from the divorce lawyer last week and was on my way. I’ve blocked both my wife and mothers numbers and any communication I have with my wife going forward will be done through my lawyer. In terms of my living situation I’m staying with a friend for a week or two but hopefully I should be in my own rented place before Christmas.
I haven’t spoken to my parents in a few weeks, last time we spoke, was via text and I tried to tell my mother, in explicit detail, the things my wife was saying during her texts to jacket holder. Why it hurt me so much, and why I didn’t think it was her first time doing it with the whole “I’m good at keeping secrets” comment and thus could never trust her again. My mother text back saying she couldn’t speak to me when I was like this, and she would let me “cool off”. She tried to phone me a few days ago and I just blanked her call and as said a bit further up, since today have blocked her number.
I feel so let down by my parents and at this point, it almost feels worse than the original betrayal from my wife. The way I’m feeling right now I don’t think I’ll ever speak to them again. I think in times of strife, you look to your family to be strong for you, to be a rock and give you...the wronged one...support. My parents have been weak, they’ve made me feel like the one in the wrong, like I’m overreacting, and it’s me that’s ripping this family apart, well it’s not. I didn’t ask them to move mountains for me, just move my cheating wife out the house and they made their choice. My father also had the chance to put his foot down for once in his life and stand up for me, but didn’t. You make your choices and you live with them I guess.
Reading some of the comments on here from my previous posts, people have been saying things like - I threw in the towel so easily, I was looking for a way out and didn’t love my wife because I didn’t try hard enough to save things but that’s not true. I loved my wife more than anyone on this earth and I was broken when I discovered what she was doing. I think we all have boundaries, and once those boundaries have been crossed things change irrevocably. When I read those horrible texts, something changed inside of me, I fell out of love with her, like being snapped out of a spell in the movies. Anything tried after that is just delaying the inevitable.
I have to say that I’m interested in the whole dynamic of their relationship now that I’m gone. Like are my parents gonna continue supporting her knowing that it has finished their relationship with their son?
As for me, I’d love to travel! My wife hated flying so most of our holidays, had been to southern England, the likes of Newquay and Torquay in Cornwall and Devon so would be great to travel abroad again. The last time I was abroad was when I was 20 for a mates holiday in Greece so 13 years ago. I’d love to see a bit of America so once this pandemic calms down I’ve definitely got my sights on the states.
Well that’s about it for me I guess, this’ll be my last post as I don’t want to outstay my welcome and I don’t think there’s much more to say at any rate. If you want to see how I’m doing down the line shoot me a dm and I’ll try and keep you in the loop.
Thanks for reading,
Bye
[**Update 3 - May 26 2021: hospitalised mother who took my cheating wife's side over mine now wants to see me**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nlgzxe/hospitalised_mother_who_took_my_cheating_wifes/)
It’s been over 7 months since I first posted on Reddit and I honestly thought that was it for me as I didn’t need any more advice. I had made my decisions and done what I said I would but i got a phone call this morning that has dragged me back in to the mire.
If you want to read about my story it’s all on my profile under Final update - caught wife trying to cheat with friend from her iwatch (edit - link [https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRa\_caughtwatch/comments/k5dap1/final\_update\_caught\_wife\_trying\_to\_cheat\_with\_my/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRa_caughtwatch/comments/k5dap1/final_update_caught_wife_trying_to_cheat_with_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)) A tldr of it is when I was putting my drunk wife to bed, I seen a message pop up on her iwatch from a friend of mine which sent me down the rabbit hole. I ended up walking away from my house that was to be left to me by my parents and severed my relationship with them as they took my wife’s side over mine, while I wanted her out the house and my life as I had no interest in reconciling. My mother tried to keep us together and thought she was seeing us through troubled waters but i left the house and haven’t spoken to them since, until this morning.
I have moved 15 miles away, changed my phone number and am still in the process of divorcing my wife. She has completely ignored all the requests from my divorce lawyer to cooperate which has hindered things, we’re now in the process of putting in an application for deemed service so she will be served officially by the courts and if she continues to ignore then i can proceed with a divorce without her input.
Well this morning while at work I got a phone call from my friend telling me that my dad was trying to get in touch as my mother is not well and would it be ok if he gave him my number. I said ok and my dad phoned to tell me mum is in hospital, she’s stable but not great. Obviously I was shocked as I’ve not heard my dads voice for so long, it was also the most emotional I’ve ever heard him. He told me my mum really wants to see me so would I meet him at the hospital tonight and go in and see her with him. I said ok and I’ve arranged to meet him outside the hospital. I ended up going home from work as I couldn’t concentrate and I’m climbing the walls here wondering if I’ve made the right decision, wondering if I’m about to get dragged back into this shit show that I walked away from. I’ve never felt so nervous in my life and the lack of control I have over the situation has sent my mind spiralling in lots of different directions. I feel like I’m walking into a burning building blindfolded with no idea where the exits are. Why does she want to speak to me now? Has she had a change of heart? Unless she’s also had a personality transplant while in there I find that unlikely. Will my wife be there? I have no interest in ever seeing her again.
I’m still angry about what transpired with them and the way they took my cheating wife’s side over mine...I’ve been going back and forth in my head about going at all, but I will go. I was also thinking about maybe seeing if she wanted to speak over the phone instead but not sure if she would do that or even if she’s well enough. I feel like the bad guy here and that I might have caused this from walking away. How would you handle this? Any advice would be appreciated.
[**Update 4 - May 29 2021**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nnkj33/update_hospitalised_mother_who_took_my_cheating/)
Sorry about the late update I’ve spent the last few days trying to digest what happened and how I feel.
My original post - [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/nlgzxe/hospitalised\_mother\_who\_took\_my\_cheating\_wifes/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nlgzxe/hospitalised_mother_who_took_my_cheating_wifes/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
So I did end up going to the hospital on Wednesday night after much toing and froing. I was genuinely about to back out at the last minute as I felt my bottle crashing but I needed some closure and knew that I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t go and something happened.
When I drove into the hospital car park I had this surreal feeling of extreme paranoia and was half expecting my wife to jump out from behind a bush or something. I met my dad at the entrance and it was pretty awkward as he tried to hug me and I said no, I then said if my wife is here in any way shape or form then I am about turning and out the door. He assured me she wasn’t and we made our way to the ward where mum was.
When I seen my mother I got the fright of my life as she looked like she had been in the wars. Never have I seen her look so frail, she’s got an extreme black eye, also a lot of bruising and purple/yellowness down one side of her face. She took a serious fall, broke two ribs, shattered her elbow and banged one side of her head/face on the ground, so elbow, ribs then head in that order.
She looked zombified but perked up when she seen me. She told me how much she’s missed me, and that she wasn’t sure she’d ever see me again. I told her if she had really wanted to get a hold of me she could’ve done. We spoke for a bit about what exactly had happened, and how she was down for a few hours before my dad found her, also that she was determined to get back to normal and mend bridges with me.
I brought up my wife and that I had been pushing for a divorce but she was either ignoring the letters or wasn’t getting them, so I asked if she’s still in the house? Mum admitted she was and dad started to look uncomfortable, I just looked away in disgust. Mum started saying how lost my wife is without me and that she’s not in a good way. I knew then that nothing will change, she’s not had an epiphany or seeing things from a new perspective she just wants the status quo back. She said that the house is my home and always will be but I told her I don’t want it. It means nothing to me anymore and all it holds are bad memories.
I stayed for under an hour all in all, when I left I said if I want to get in contact I will, but don’t be waiting over the phone for me to call, as you might be waiting a while. When dad walked me out he asked if I would keep in touch with him and I said I would, whether that’s right or wrong I don’t know, time will tell. When I got home my emotions were a bit all over the place, from sadness to anger but I’m glad I went. Couldn’t help think about my wife as well, and what she once meant to me, it’ll never not hurt.
When I think about everything that’s happened in the last 7 months, it honestly doesn’t feel real. The speed at which everything fell apart was just spellbinding. I know life comes at you fast, especially when you’re not paying attention, and I wasn’t paying attention. It was just sheer luck I found out about her trying to cheat on me, cosmic coincidence, nothing more. I never seen the signs or put everything together I just saw something on her watch and it tore my fucking life apart. I know now that it wasn’t the only time, I know it in my heart, I see what she is and feel no love for her, only contempt. I feel she stole the best years of my life, when I think about all the good times, they’re just soured, it feels like someone else’s life, not mine.
My friend was saying I should see a therapist or something to try and let everything out or else this will fundamentally change who I am and the way I build relationships going forward. That’s something I’m going to do I think, as I do feel a bit broken inside. The last 6 plus months have been the worst of my life but I’d rather they happened than been kept in the dark. I’m just sad that it happened the way it did, but you can’t choose the way someone fucks you over I suppose, you just have to learn from it.
I remember reading about loyalty being the most undervalued character trait and I see that now. Probably because you don’t really know if someone is truly loyal to you until, well they’re not. It’s not something you deal with every day but now more than ever I know how important a trait it is.
[**Update 5 - July 20 2021**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/oo21xl/update_to_hospitalised_mother_who_took_my/)
Hi, so I thought I’d post an update to my previous post, as quite a few things have happened.
My previous post - [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/nnkj33/update\_hospitalised\_mother\_who\_took\_my\_cheating/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nnkj33/update_hospitalised_mother_who_took_my_cheating/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Firstly, I’m now in the home straight in terms of divorce from my wife. She has signed the divorce papers and now all that’s left are the formalities. She sent me a message via my dad where she said she’s sorry for not letting me move on, that she thought she could save things but now she knows she can’t, and she has to move on for her own well-being. I thank her for seeing sense. She doesn’t want anything in the divorce and said she’s going to move out the house when she can get on her feet, which I’m ok with.
In terms of my mother I haven’t spoken to her yet but my dad said she’s doing a lot better after getting out the hospital and getting some normality back. I don’t know how things will pan out with them but I’ve said that if the house is going to be mine then I want them to put it into my name now, to give me some security, then we can start trying to build bridges. We’ll see how that goes.
My biggest battle ahead is in my head and trying to get over everything that’s happened. The brain is a wonderful yet frightening thing. To give an example…I can still taste the truffles I scoffed(then threw up)at my grans house when I was like 5. I’ve never ate truffles again but I can still taste those fucking things 30 years later when I think about it. What I’m getting at is I don’t want to harbour thoughts, feelings and opinions about everything that’s happened 30 years down the road. I don’t want to be one of those older people who’s had everything good knocked out of them by the pain of life. You often hear about those people, how they used to be good, kind or funny but somewhere along the line, they’ve had experiences that have forever changed them, turned them into a person they never wanted to be and all that’s left is pain. I don’t want to be that person, I have to let this pain go before it consumes me.
I have started therapy and spoken to a psychiatrist both over the phone and in person and it has helped me a lot to speak candidly about everything, if only for a little while. My psychiatrist also said something to me that really struck a chord. When I was moaning about how my best years were behind me she said “your best years are the years you’ve got left”. What I think she meant is the past is gone, it doesn’t exist, except in your mind, but the here and now does and you can choose to make the most of it, or live in a past that isn’t real to anyone but you. It’s definitely a phrase I’m going to try and remember when I feel down.
I said in one of my previous posts that I wanted to travel and that is finally happening. My friend has committed to come with me and we’ve booked a flight to New York at the beginning of October for a week. Really looking forward to it, always wanted to see New York when the leaves change, reminds me of that movie you’ve got mail. I want this to be just the beginning of my adventures in terms of travelling, I want my latter 30’s to be littered with memories from escapades I’ve had abroad, well that’s the plan anyway. All I know is that for the first time in what seems such a long time, I’m waking up with hope in my heart and a spring in my step, if that’s not progress…then I don’t know what is. | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oo7ab0/caught_wife_trying_to_cheat_with_my_friend_from/ | oo7ab0 | 34,733 | 624 | [
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2021-07-21T08:53:17 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oolxxd/deleted_by_user/ | oolxxd | 9 | 543 | [
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2021-07-21T15:20:46 | Redditor escapes abusive family and is happier than ever | Relationship_Advice | Original post found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/i3icl7/i22_am_planning_to_escape_from_my_family_and/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
**I(22) am planning to escape from my family and possibly my country**
I live in a middle east country. My parents are Muslims and they force me follow islamic rules. I am not a Muslim. My dad have beaten me up a few times and he threatened not to send me to school in middle school and high school. Both times my teachers convinced him.
I study in another city, that's why i didn't have to deal with them much. Since the quarantine started, i had to live with them. They are kinda forcing me to stay. My dad said he is not happy about my school and he says he is dumb for sending me to university. Basically he is threatening me again. It's my last year in school btw. This semester is probably going to be online and i can't live here for another 6 months. I would rather kill myself.
I was planning to go to my dorm using an excuse and my dad said i just do it so i can be free for ONE day. He is ridiculous. He is emotionally very abusive. He doesn't let me go out alone etc. My initial plan was leaving them when i graduate but im so sick and tired of all these things.
My boyfriend is living in another country and his parents said i can stay with them for 2-3 months(i can stay up to 90 days due to visa restrictions). So i will eventually come back until summer but i don't know if they will know i am back. Btw i can travel because his country lets people in relationships enter the country. One thing i am scared that my dad will beat up my mom and he won't let my sister go to school(she is in high school). I talked to my sister and she said i should definitely go. She also said she would call the police if something happens but i can't stop worrying. I want to be selfish and i want to live my life freely. I just look for some advice and comfort.
&#x200B;
Update found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/oomrbq/update_2_i23f_am_planning_to_escape_from_my_family/)
**UPDATE 2 I(23f) am planning to escape from my family**
Here's link to original post
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/i3icl7/i22\_am\_planning\_to\_escape\_from\_my\_family\_and/?utm\_medium=android\_app&utm\_source=share](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/i3icl7/i22_am_planning_to_escape_from_my_family_and/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
It has been almost a year since i posted about this and asked for advice. I was extremely scared of what would follow.
I have stayed with my boyfriend for three months after escaping but because of visa limitations i had to come back. I found somewhere to stay and i can say that i am happier than ever.
As i have guessed, i got threats including death threats. I have no contact with my family at the moment. I am still scared that they will find me.
I got acceptance for masters in Germany. I am planning to move there in 2-3 months. Trying to figure out financial issues since i have no mean of support on that front. I will solve this problem as well. Currently checking every scholarship opportunity although it's very hard to find one. I am very happy that I will be able to pursue my dreams and live safely.
I want to thank to everyone who sent me support messages at that time. It gave me courage and helped me to be more decisive about my actions.
Tl:dr everything is going well since i escaped, i am happier | GreenThumbCottage | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oos21t/redditor_escapes_abusive_family_and_is_happier/ | oos21t | 3,525 | 498 | [
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2021-07-21T18:06:54 | Moral of this story; shit happens, but it won't matter with the right people. | Relationship_Advice | Original post can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/nx2ten/i_26f_did_something_absolutely_humiliating_in/)
**I \[26f\] did something absolutely humiliating in front of a guy \[30m\] I am dating and his parents. I’m taking advice to keep going with him/move past it. Passing that advice to anyone who may need it here.**
So I haven’t really left my apartment for a week because of something humiliating that happened recently with a guy I really like who I’m dating. I came to Reddit desperate for unbiased input and got some very conclusive advice.
Life is too short to beat yourself up over dating hiccups where you embarrass yourself with something you couldn’t control.
Don’t hole up and drop someone great just because you’re embarrassed about a situation in dating is the advice.
If you feel like you have done something humiliating in your dating and have no hope… please read my story bc I can almost guarantee you whatever you did is not as humiliating as this.
So I’ve (26f) been dating a new guy (30m) for five months. I like him, and he invited me to his parents house for the long Memorial Day weekend. Sounded fun, kinda taking the relationship to the next step. I was excited.
So the parents order takeout Friday night for everyone and it’s this extremely spicy Indian food and I’m like hm okay not my first choice but I’m going to try everything to be gracious.
Wake up early Saturday at his parents house and I’m like yeah that’s odd, I feel a bit off but maybe I just need breakfast. Meanwhile the guy I’m dating and his father have planned a pre-breakfast run and the dad is like really, really laying on the pressure for me to join in the kitchen.
Reluctantly, I put on running shorts and what not and head out to the driveway with the two of them.
We start running. After about 15 minutes I had fallen a bit behind and was realizing something was very not okay in my body. Everyone knows the not okay feeling and accompanying dread I’m talking about.
The dad slowed down to shuffle next to me. “you okay? need a break? Woah you look really white in the face”.
At that moment I looked at him and it hit me that I was truly in a bad situation. We were at least a mile from their house. Standing on a fully quaint, tree lined residential street with no public bathrooms or even woods. And I was not okay.
I stopped shuffling. The guy I’m seeing responded to his dads shout and ran back and put his hand on my back (I was hunched over).
All I remember is saying don’t fucking touch me right now. At a point of no return and unable to fake graciousness in front of this guys father.
“Leave me. Fast. Just run ahead I’ll meet you back at the house”.
Did they listen? You bet not. They insisted on staying and calling his mom to drive their car to pick us up. I couldn’t even speak. I tried to walk towards a tree but it was too late.
I fully shit in the middle of the road. Not like a cute shit I could hide in my shorts. The kind of unforgivable and unspeakable shit where you have to flush the toilet a few times.
A small or maybe large piece of my soul and dignity was left behind on that street a few weekends ago. I fled the weekend trip early after my shower making up an excuse. I have told the guy since that I just can’t face him in person yet. Someone please help.
if you were dating someone who liked you a lot but then shit herself in front of you and your family and fled the scene with a fake excuse, is there anything she could do after to make things okay enough to continue seeing one another? 😣
That’s what I posed to a bunch of strangers. The resounding answer was surprisingly yes I’d still date her, as long as she handled it with a smile and sense of humor. So I’m taking that advice and crawling out of my shame to see this guy again. Anyone else who shit in front of their significant others father should probably do the same.
&#x200B;
Happy update can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/oot2fm/update_26f_humiliated_myself_in_front_of_the_guy/)
**UPDATE: 26F humiliated myself in front of the guy \[30M\] I was seeing and his family (💩😣)**
Hey everyone! checking in here with an update to this wonderful sub full of people who talked sense into me earlier this summer.
TLDR. If you don’t remember me, I am the one who explosively shit herself in the middle of a quiet residential street around 8am Memorial Day weekend. On a run with the guy I had been seeing for 5 months and his father.
I holed up in my apartment for a week after and came here out of desperation for advice.
I am really going to spare the details here, but my original post is available if anyone cares to dive in.
So I mentioned the last time I posted that the guy - and his wonderful mom - had continued to reach out to me the week following the incident. After I had made up an excuse and left the trip early.
Taking all your advice, I garnered the guts to meet up with him. He came to my apartment and brought dinner and also a bag full of anti-diarrhea otc meds, tums, and - honestly most impressively - a new pair of my favorite running shorts in a color I like and the correct size.
He gave me a huge hug and said that the whole shit myself thing and then suddenly not having me in his life immediately after made him realize how invested he is in the relationship.
I cried. I think I was also laughing. But there were certainly tears.
We’ve been dating since. I really, really like him (❤️!) I even saw his parents again last week when they visited him in the city we both live in. Turns out his dad did go to therapy.
Kidding.
I will forever be made fun of by him so long as we stay together, but I’m okay with that.
if you ever shit yourself in front of your significant other and their father, please pay attention to how everyone else handles the situation. I was so caught up in my own embarrassment that I almost let a really great person and family go.
Thank you again to everyone who helped get me out of my shame!!! ❤️ | GreenThumbCottage | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oovgmk/moral_of_this_story_shit_happens_but_it_wont/ | oovgmk | 6,051 | 1,172 | [
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2021-07-21T18:19:13 | OP moves out against her parents’ wishes and gains a new, supportive family | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oovps2/op_moves_out_against_her_parents_wishes_and_gains/ | oovps2 | 9 | 3 | [
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2021-07-21T18:35:12 | OP moves out against their parents’ wishes and gains a new, supportive family | AITA | This is a repost!
Original:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jcqjv3/aita_for_moving_out_against_my_parents_wishes/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I(F18) have several motives for moving out.
1: I have issues with my dad. He fits the bill of a narcissist. He nitpicks minor details, controls all aspects of my life(friends, relationships, screen time), we have no privacy(constantly checks our phones), and says extremely hurtful things. I’ve tried talking to him and my mom about it but things never change.
2: religion. My parents are Christians and extremely conservative. They want their kids to live like them but they tend to force us and manipulate us into acting according to their religion.
3: homophobia. I was outed to my parents as a lesbian by a friend years ago.They don’t accept me. They said horrible things to me and put me through various programs to try to “fix” me. The beginning of this year they found out I have a girlfriend. They flipped out. Even though I’m 18, they took my phone and kept me in the house for months. My clothing and haircuts are controlled. Everything I do is monitored and my siblings are recruited to spy on me. They are no longer providing financial support due to my sexuality so I cannot attend university.
I’d be a lot happier if I moved out. I’m emotionally exhausted and my mental health has seriously dipped multiple times. I’ve tried my best to comply with their wishes respectfully but sometimes i’ve failed(by insisting on cutting my hair and by lying that I didn’t have a GF). Even though I haven’t been allowed to see my GF, we’ve managed to stay in contact. She has offered to let me move into her flat with her. It’s on her parents property and they said they would support me financially until I’m on my feet.
I was going to just tell my parents on the day I left but I realized I’d be an asshole. So I told them. I explained that obviously we were having issues and listed basic motives and that it will probably benefit everyone in the end. They were furious. They told me I’m being selfish and stupid and that if I do this I’ll be “obliterating the bridge between us.” They told me they saw no reason that I’d want to leave and I’m being irrational. My father said I’ve broken my mother’s heart and caused irreparable damage to the family. They told me I’m never going to be successful. They said they won’t compromise on anything but i shouldn’t leave. And they are apparently incredibly hurt that I’d want to leave at all and said they think I must have told a sob story that they are complete jerks and lied about them, which I told them I only told my girlfriend the straight, basic facts. They are using scare tactics and manipulation to try and get me to stay. I know that moving out in this way is more sudden but I’ve done my best to be as prepared as possible and my girlfriend’s parents have been advising me. They think my parents are assholes and want me to leave as soon as possible for my own health. My parents’ biggest issue is that they don’t support me moving in with my girlfriend, specifically.
AITA??
Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oos7rl/update_aita_for_moving_out_my_parents_wishes/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I left. I followed feedback saying to not tell my parents exactly when I’m leaving and I told them I was still thinking it over. After an evening of my dad screaming at me about how I was replacing him, I arranged to leave the next morning while he was out of the house. I quickly packed all I owned. After being picked up my dad called my gf’s mom threatening to call the police. We went back to the house and gf’s dad went in alone to talk to him. My dad even had a buddy come to defend him but he lost the argument and I left.
I’ve never looked back. I suffered from dissociation and flashbacks but I’m really healing. I’ve been going to therapy(my therapist is amazing). My dad is indeed a narcissist and I had symptoms of PTSD. But I’ve made so much progress. I have low contact with him and strict boundaries. I’m the healthiest and happiest I’ve ever been. I’m working through things that were buried deep.
My gfs parents have taken me in and become the mom and dad I’ve never had. I’ve never felt so loved. I have a real family and so much freedom. They are so accepting. Since leaving, I’ve got a pet gecko, came out as non-binary, and I’m currently planning me and my gfs engagement with her parents(the ring is ordered!) my gf has been so supportive and she’s the love of my life. She’s currently sitting beside me and teared up reading my last post. I also reconnected with my grandparents and aunts in the US(they dislike my dad passionately) and I’m going to go there to attend college and follow my dreams!
Immense thank you to everyone who commented on my post. It was a push I needed and i appreciate each one of you. My heart is full. | Primary_Aardvark | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oow1ci/op_moves_out_against_their_parents_wishes_and/ | oow1ci | 4,963 | 406 | [
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2021-07-22T09:05:00 | OP is a boss, her friend is the worst - "AITA for blowing up at my friend who constantly makes comments about my boobs?" | AITA | ***Original:*** [***AITA for blowing up at my friend who constantly makes comments about my boobs?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/giww2y/aita_for_blowing_up_at_my_friend_who_constantly/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf) ***Posted in*** /r/amitheasshole
I have big boobs. I’m currently at 52kg and there’s nothing I can do to change the size of these things unless I have surgery. I’m also extremely shy and from a very conservative family so my resentment and shame towards my bust is an ongoing issue.
My friend \*Sarah is one of those unfiltered free thinkers who says whatever is on her mind. She’s also slim and her chest is very much in proportion to the rest of her body. We work together and I’m always secretly jealous of how great shirts and tops look on her whereas I feel I look very sloppy and unprofessional with oversized, ill fitting clothes.
Sarah has this way of always bringing up my boobs in conversation, starting off complimentary but often ending with an subtle insult. She knows they’re a physical feature I’m uncomfortable with but doesn’t let up. Examples of things she’ll say is how my boobs look good now but give it a few years, and they’ll be down to my knees, hahaha! Or she’ll show me comments on reddit where people are discussing chest size preferences and most are commenting how they much prefer a smaller bust over large. Or just a general reminder of how work or men will never take me seriously because of my ‘cartoon boobs’. I know she’s trying to have lighthearted fun but it gets to me and I’ve told her a few times to drop it before.
Now we’re working from home, we all have daily video calls and meetings. Uniform is not necessary and can wear what we like. A few days ago, it was extremely hot and I was wearing a lighter, more revealing top than my usual baggy coverups. During this video call, in front of 6 other colleagues, Sarah starts vocalising her thoughts on my appearance: *‘Holy shit! Put those away! You look like you’re in a porno. We don’t need to see that first thing in the morning, hahaha.’* I was mortified. One other colleague laughed along but the rest looked uncomfortable. I felt close to tears, made an excuse and left the meeting. Sarah called me up half an hour later asking me what was wrong and I went off on her. Told her to go fuck herself and was sick of her constant jabs about my appearance. I went on a 10 minute tirade and hung up. Sarah has been off sick since that day and we haven’t spoken again. I’m wondering if I was too harsh and maybe should call and apologise for my outburst? Was I TA?
**Edit:** I’m fuming. I just spoke with a colleague, \*John, (who was part of the video call that day) and he told me that Sarah’s been telling everyone that it’s ME that’s been bullying her and making her feel insecure about her appearance. When she made those comments during the meeting, it was in retaliation to how I’ve made her feel. Apparently, I said she looks like a boy and called her flat chested and ugly several times in the past. I have NEVER and would never say this! I don’t even understand the stupid ‘boy body’ insult because a small bust has always looked very beautiful and classy in my eyes. Anyway, John knows she’s full of shit and has suggested we speak with HR. The others will also back me up. I know most people here suggested I do this and I wasn’t sure at first but fuck it, I’m reporting her. I don’t know why I ever considered her a friend, she’s fucking mental and annoying.
**Edit 2:** I now feel stupid for even asking the question AITA. I thought I may have been at one point because the video call was amongst mostly work mates rather than clients and I wasn’t sure if my sensitivity towards my body image made me overreact to a joke that could have been innocent (I now realise it wasn’t).
I’ve also spoken to another coworker who is closer to Sarah and she thinks Sarah may have already reported me to HR. She said the phone conversation we had after the meeting was filled with abusive bullying language and physical threats. It wasn’t a pleasant phone call but the worst thing I said was she go fuck herself and that I don’t want to speak to her again. The rest of the conversation was just rehashing all the comments she made about my body and how it made me feel. She also claimed that I have been making inappropriate jokes about her appearance and work ethic(?) through the years and this confrontation was a long time coming. She also suggested that I’ve convinced the guys in the office to take my side by being a flirt and a tease (did I mention that I’m stupidly shy?)
My head is swimming and I think I may be dealing with an actual psycho. I don’t know how it’s come to this ridiculous level of craziness. All I wanted to do was get on with my fucking work in peace and get through this crappy time but now I have to deal with this bullshit.
**Update:** Just to answer a few questions I’ve seen:
* I’ve contacted HR with my complaint. I have a lot of old text messages and emails with comments and memes Sarah has sent making fun of my chest size. John and other colleagues are fully supporting me as well as my manager. It will take a while for them to get back to me but I’m confident that things will be sorted and Sarah will be dealt with.
* My breasts alone aren’t 52kg (114lbs). My overall weight is 52kg. I mentioned this because my chest seems much larger on my small frame making clothes that others wear and look nice in, look completely gaudy and cheap on me. I can’t lose anymore weight to make a difference on my bust size. I won’t get surgery but I have been working on my body image issues which my shyness and upbringing did a number on. People’s comments don’t usually devastate me as they once did but Sarah obviously tried her best to break me down.
* Thank you to all for clothing suggestions. I will definitely look into tailoring some tops and have spent some time checking out Bravissimo which looks great.
* In hindsight, I should have confronted Sarah more sternly in the past but I guess I was trying to avoid conflict. Others have suggested I may have allowed her to gaslight me which may be true. I just want to move on at this point.
**Update 2:**
The coworker (\*Lucy), who keeps in contact with Sarah and told me earlier that Sarah may have reported me to HR, has just phoned to tell me that Sarah has suffered a serious panic attack. Lucy does not want to take sides but has suggested I reconsider taking drastic action. Sarah is too unwell to talk to me herself but has asked I drop my complaint and she will drop hers, citing the whole thing as a misunderstanding and stress-induced disagreement.
I have had panic attacks before in my life and I seriously felt like I was going to die. It’s a horrible feeling and if Sarah has honestly just had one herself, I don’t want to push her too far. I still want to address her comments over the video call but I’m wondering if I should just drop the other complaints. Sarah has asked to move teams so we don’t directly work with one another but it doesn’t seem she wants to apologise yet. And just to clarify to people who assume I was wearing a bikini top or boob tube during the meeting, I wasn’t. It was a short sleeved plain tshirt which hugged my breasts more than my usual baggy tops.
I don’t like to hold grudges and I think getting her fired during a time like this may be a shitty thing to do. I feel she has already punished herself by displaying this fucked up behaviour to others and losing a lot of respect from coworkers. If we don’t ever have to interact with one another, I’m up for that. I have a suspicion that Sarah may have found this post and read it which I thought I would feel bad about but I really don’t care.
**Last Update:**
I’m not dropping any of the complaints. Sarah (fuck you Michelle) and I have spoken, and although it started off promising, she is mentally unhinged and without a conscience. I did not realise how deep her hatred runs. Not only did she mock all those things I had told her in confidence about the way my family treated me growing up, she accused me of fucking every guy from work to get ahead. Now I know where some of those fake office rumours about me came from. I’ve been such a naive idiot and allowed my shyness and aversion to conflict to stop me from fighting people who manipulate and walk all over me. I don’t need this misery in my life. If she’s reading this, get professional help immediately. I know you desperately fancy John and, as you said, despise the way he looks at me. I know it bothers you that he took my side and has been a great support. Maybe I will go for drinks with him when lockdown ends.
If I don’t make any new updates, just assume that the right person was reprimanded and faced the consequences of their words and actions.
***Update:*** [***UPDATE: AITA for blowing up at my friend who constantly makes comments about my boobs?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gu2bpc/update_aita_for_blowing_up_at_my_friend_who/) ***Posted in*** /r/amitheasshole
I took into account the advice offered and I thank you guys for your help.
HR meeting call with supervisor went well. The main incident in my original post wasn’t recorded but all six colleagues wrote a statement confirming what Sarah had said and how inappropriate it was. I didn’t realise but John had also asked others who work with us if they, at any point, heard Sarah attack my character or physical appearance in a cruel or improper manner and if they did, would they be willing to write a statement. Apparently, she has been saying quite a few outrageous things behind my back and it seems that a lot of the hurtful office gossip about me did originate from her. I submitted a few examples of messages and emails, sent by Sarah during work hours, taking jokes about my appearance too far. I also included the messages where I asked her to stop causing attention at work as I’m extremely uncomfortable with others regarding me in that way. Her claims of my bullying her and calling her flat chested and ugly at work were dismissed as she couldn’t specify dates or find anyone to corroborate her story or even provide any examples of me ever being hostile or unprofessional. The phone call we had after the video team meeting where she claims I used threatening language against her was also disregarded as no recording was made and it was her word against mine; Luckily, I don’t think they believed her on this point as I’ve never displayed anything near the type of agressive behaviour she was accusing me of and my character references had me down as the quiet sort who gets on with work. While things were being reviewed, Sarah decided to quit. She’s still adamant that I bullied and threatened her and felt no choice but to leave the toxic environment I created. I’ve been reassured that there was no wrongdoing on my part except that I should’ve reported things much sooner when inappropriate comments first started. From what I gather, Sarah’s general behaviour at work has raised concerns for a while and I wasn’t the first to complain about her.
Some people were confused as to why I had considered her a friend in the beginning. When I joined the team 3 years ago, it was my first job out of uni and I was incredibly nervous but Sarah was the first to ask me questions and offer to hang out. She was a bit overbearing and rambunctious but I appreciated her efforts to get to know me and coax me out of my shell. We often did have a good laugh despite her sometimes making a joke at my expense but I tried not to take it to heart and occasionally reminded her to wind it in and be more considerate of my feelings. It’s only been during the past 8 or so months where she’s become especially rude and callous. I still referred to her as a friend of sorts but I never thought she would take things as far as she did.
**Edit:** Thanks to everyone for the kind words, advice and encouragement, it’s really blown me away. I stepped away to talk to John for a while and let him know what a great guy a lot of people think he is. His little smile was adorable.
Despite the misery at work I had to go through for a while, everything has turned out pretty amazing. I do love my job now that I can actually get on with it without the office drama. Finding out how my other coworkers feel about me has been incredibly reassuring and we’ve now set up a weekly virtual pub night. My outlook has improved massively and I’m taking steps to manage my anxieties and put aside past negativity. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/opa4w6/op_is_a_boss_her_friend_is_the_worst_aita_for/ | opa4w6 | 12,621 | 1,030 | [
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2021-07-22T10:44:23 | AITA For Cutting My Child's Inheritance? Also with extra perspective from a sibling. (Warning kind of a tough read) | AITA | [**Original Post by u/Apprehensive-Grab-27**](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ixi92v/aita_for_cutting_my_childs_inheritance/)
Throwaway Account
Backstory: Two years ago I (46f) lost my husband in an accident and I was heartbroken. We had three children and I thought we were very happy until his mistress showed up at my door demanding money to support the child my husband fathered. I didn't believe her but she was able to prove it with screenshots, messages, etc.. The image that I had of my husband was forever tainted and he left me with the mess. Because of bitterness about the betrayal and how offended I was by the mistresses lack of remorse and entitlement I told she wasn't getting a dime and that she shouldn't have slept with a married man.
She kept harassing me and when it wasn't going to work she went to my husband's family to put pressure on me to give her what she wanted. She even tried to involve my children, leveraging her silence for money. I knew that once I gave her money she would come back, so I told them myself. My husband and I had well-high paying jobs, lucrative investments, savings, and I got a sizable amount from the life insurance policy. I consulted a lawyer and while she could prove the affair, it didn't prove paternity and since my husband wasn't on the birth certificate nor could she produce that my husband acknowledged the child she had no case.
After my lawyers sent her a strongly worded letter I didn't hear from her for a while and thought it was over until my oldest Alex (19f) came to me and said that she did a DNA test with the mistress behind my back. She said that did it because she wanted to get this resolved, the child deserved to know who their father was, and get the financial support that they were owed. My husband had a will the stated each of his children were to split an inheritance that they would only access to when they went to college, and couldn't get full control until the age of 25. When the results came back proving that my husband was indeed the father the mistress took me to court.
It was a long legal battle but eventually a settlement was made. I sat Alex down and explained to her that her inheritance would be split 50/50 between them and her half sibling as part of the settlement agreement. When she asked if my other children had to split their's I told Alex "No." My husband's will stated that it had to be split but it didn't say it had to be equally and until each of the children turned 25, I had full control. Alex was upset, saying that it wasn't fair. I countered saying that it wasn't fair that my other two children had to get a lesser share because of my oldest's choices, and if they wanted their full share they shouldn't have done the DNA test. There's still plenty of money for Alex to finish college she just won't have much after that and I do plan on dividing my own estate equally in my own will. All of this Alex knows but they are still giving me the cold shoulder. My own siblings think that it wasn't fair and I'm punishing Alex for doing right by her half sibling but I don't see that way. AITA?
Update: Thank you to everyone's responses. Even the ones calling my "YTA," but based on a few frequent questions, comments and/or themes I feel like I need to clarify some things.
Alex is my daughter not my son. When I first started writing this I wanted to leave gender out of it incase it influenced people's judgement but then I remembered that Reddit tends to prefer that age and gender get mentioned so I added (19f) at the last minute. Hope that clears it up a little.
My other two children are Junior (17m) and Sam (14f). The half sibling is now 5.
When my husband drafted the will, 10 years ago, he initially named just our children but a friend of ours had an "Oops" baby so he changed it to be just "his children" incase we had another one. At least that's what he told me.
After the mistress threatened to tell my children and I decided to tell them. I sat them all down and explained the situation. They were understandably devastated and asked if they really had another sibling. I told them that I didn't know and that if the mistress could prove it she might get some money. I told them that if they wanted to know if they had a sibling or not we could find out but I made sure that they understood that their inheritance could be effected, and other people might come out claiming the same thing and get more money. Initially all of my children said that they didn't want to have to deal with that and so I did everything that I could to protect them, but I guess Alex had a change of heart.
Until the DNA test I had no reason to believe that my husband's mistress was telling the truth and acted accordingly. I kept following my lawyer's advice and if she wanted the money she the burden of proof was on her.
While some of you might think I TA please understand that my decision wasn't spiteful. If I really wanted to "punish" Alex, I would just tell them they weren't getting anymore money since they already used some of it for their first year of college so the guidelines of the will were technically already met. I still plan on leaving them an equal share of inheritance from my estate too.
Update 2: Spelling and Gender corrections
[**Update**](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/j9d7z0/update_aita_for_cutting_my_childs_inheritance/?sort=top)
Thank you so much for so many responses, even the ones who didn't 100% agree with me because it did give me perspective. I also wanted to give an update and answer some questions to anyone who was curious so here it goes.
Since I told Alex what would be happening she told her siblings and the house has been pretty tense. To try and make peace I spoke to each of my for a 1-on-1 and as a group to figure out what to do next. I spoke to Alex first and some interesting information was revealed that I'm very angry about. Apparently the mistress created a fake profile account and manipulated my daughter into befriending her.
After gaining my daughter's trust, she pretended that she was in a similar situation as her and said that the a DNA test proved that there wasn't any paternity. When Alex went behind our backs she thought that it would prove the mistress was trying to scam us. My son, Junior (17m), is furious that Alex went behind our backs and doesn't care why she did it and blames her for them being "stuck with" a half sibling he doesn't want. My daughter Sam (14f) said she wishes she never knew the truth and is deeply upset.
I asked my children that since they now know the truth would they want a relationship with their half sibling. Junior, clearly, wants nothing to do with the child, and says that Alex should feel lucky he still considers a her a sister. Sam says she doesn't want to and I feel it's because she's in denial and wants to live life pretending that her father was perfect. Alex admits that she is curious but never wants to see or hear from the mistress ever again so she doesn't think a meeting will ever be possible.
I proposed Family Therapy and while my girls are open to it my son says that therapy is only for people who have something "broken in them" and that's he's not "broken," is now happy that his father is dead and wants to change his last name as soon as he turns 18. I'm not going to force him but I do hope he changes his mind one day.
Edit:
For clarification because I keep seeing this. Before I made my first post, before I told Alex what was going to happen with her share of the trust, the settlement was already finalized so there is no "still cutting" because it's already done. Technically I could go back and renegotiate the terms of the settlement but the mistress could try and to come back for more money. Initially she wanted the entire Life Insurance Policy, 50% of the trust for just her child and 50% of my husband's savings. Her argument was that since I was still working, and had a high paying job, my children and I didn't need the money and she was a "struggling single mother." I'm honestly getting exhausted with everything to deal with that woman anymore and don't want to spend more on legal fees.
Edit 2: I have not now nor have I ever blame Alex for her father cheating on me. That is ridiculous and I don't know how people are coming to that conclusion. Especially when I never said that it was her fault.
Edit 3: I'm come to the realization that some people believe that Alex is getting absolutely nothing, which isn't true. There's still plenty of money from the trust for her to finish college, she lives at home rent free, I pay all of her bills, give her an allowance, allow her to use a car that's in my name, and she will get an equal share of my estate when I pass on.
**[Extra post from little sister (deleted but recovered)](https://removeddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kdxo7e/aita_for_not_wanting_to_join_a_zoom_call_to_meet/)**
Throwaway Account for privacy
I (14f) lost my dad in an accident almost three years ago and I was so upset. One minute he was there and one day my mom and grandparents sat me, my sister (19f) and brother (17m) down to say that he was in the hospital and three days later he was gone. I loved my dad so much and while I knew he wasn't perfect I still thought he was a great man.
Then one day my mom (46f) sat me and my siblings down again and told us that a woman was going around claiming that her child was also dad's. They're younger than me, which meant my father cheated. We were all very upset and refused to believe that our dad would be so horrible. Only reason my mom was telling us was because the woman threatened to if she wasn't given money to go away. From that day forward I knew I would hate her for the rest of my life because we were starting to get used to my dad not being around and she shoves her greedy hands into our family. My mom offered to do a DNA test to prove if this child was really our half sibling, my siblings and we all said "No."
It was a stressful battle for my mom but she fought for us and eventually the woman went away. Then my sister decided to do the damn DNA test behind our backs and proved my dad wasn't a good person. I don't know if I can ever forgive my sister for doing that to me. My sister is upset that my brother and I don't support her decision, but I don't see why I should. I wanted this woman to go away forever but now that there's undeniable proof that she had my dad's last child, unless there's another baby out there somewhere, my paternal grandparents want a relationship and they want me to just accept it and be a "big sister." I don't want to. My brother is hardcore against this and wants to legally change his name when he turns 18.
I'm honestly thinking of changing my surname too because my paternal family is starting to be really awful to my mom. My grandma is acting like having this child around is a blessing and it's incredibly insulting to my mom, but I guess her feelings don't matter to them anymore. For Christmas my paternal side wants us all to do a Zoom meeting so we can officially meet my dad's other child, give them presents and tell them we can't wait see them in person. I don't want to do that. I don't want to see my dad's mistress, I don't want to pretend that I have good feelings towards this kid. I don't know them and don't care to know them. Their existence is just a painful reminder of the awful thing my dad did, how little he cared about my mom and how easily replaceable I am as the "baby" of the family. My paternal aunts know that this situation isn't ideal but think that I'm being selfish and need to learn to get past what's happened, but I don't see why I should. AITA for not wanting to join a Zoom chat to meet my new sibling? | wormhole222 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/opbbyk/aita_for_cutting_my_childs_inheritance_also_with/ | opbbyk | 11,800 | 452 | [
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2021-07-22T14:28:32 | "AITA for not shaving my head to support my best friend?" + update | AITA | [**Original - 26 May 2021**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nlnn4a/aita_for_not_shaving_my_head_to_support_my_best/)
Throwaway for privacy and also I hate this whole situation and don't need it following me around the internet.
I (24f) have known my best friend 'Grace' (24f) since we were 11 years old and I love her to bits. We've been eachothers' rocks throughout all our hard times, so obviously I was devastated for her when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few weeks ago. Thankfully her prognosis is optimistic, but she needs surgery and is about to begin chemo. I cried a lot when I first heard about her diagnosis, but Grace is one of those people who uses humour to cope in hard times and she's been powering through it with her head held high. She's honestly my hero.
We have a group of good mutual friends we've known since school, and yesterday they invited me to a video call without Grace. One of our friends told us about an idea she had that we should all shave our heads in support of Grace since she's going to lose her hair and make a video to put on Instagram and facebook and the like. Everyone else looked a bit horrified when I firmly said I wouldn't be doing that. I never had long hair my entire childhood as it's very thick and my mum didn't want to deal with it, and after having short hair as a teenager I decided to grow it out. I haven't had a proper haircut since I was 17 and now it's almost long enough that I can sit on it, so I'm not keen to shave it off and start again. As someone who has lost close relatives to cancer, I also feel really uncomfortable with people who shave their heads in 'support' as to me it just seems like performative activism to get attention on social media.
My friends all went off at me about how I'm selfish and have no empathy for Grace and what she's going through, but I don't think that you should have to put yourself through someone else's struggle in order to support them. I left the call and woke up this morning to a tidal wave of messages from other friends and family asking me why I was so nasty to my friends when they just wanted to help. I don't think it's made it through to Grace yet (the head shaving is meant to be a surprise) and if it has, she hasn't talked to me about it. At this point I'm questioning if I'm really being selfish and horrible because I adore Grace with all my heart but I really don't want to lose my hair as well.
[**Update -22 July 2021**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/opbl9j/update_aita_for_refusing_to_shave_my_head_to/)
It's been WAY too long but the dust has settled so I'm finally able to give an update on the situation.
Thank you for the awards and all the love and support for both me and Grace. I'm happy to say that she is doing very well and is still in great spirits nearly 2 months into chemo. I haven't been able to see her in person much which is horrible, but we spend most of our days on Facetime and I've been giving all the support I can.
After my first post, I made what I think most would agree was the smartest decision and told Grace about our friends' plans. She actually laughed it off; she didn't think they were serious and that they'd really do it. Unfortunately, I got an invitation to a Zoom call with Grace and the rest of the group not long after I made the post and immediately got an awful feeling. I really didn't want to, but I went because I wanted to be there to defend either Grace or myself depending on what went down. As soon as I arrived, I was horrified to see that 3 of our friends had already shaved their heads and another was planning to do it *in front of Grace during the call.*
Long story short, Grace was absolutely mortified. She absolutely decimated them about how they never should have done this without her permission or even *telling* her that it was going to happen, and instead of feeling supported, she now has a constant reminder of the fact that she has cancer. We both accused them of being self-centred and narcissistic people who didn't really care about her or her illness and only wanted to do it to A. post on social media and get attention and B. have people ask why they did it and tell them what a good person and a good friend they are. I was trying to keep composed because it didn't feel like my fight to lead but Grace did not hold back and used far more colourful language. As I said in my last post, she's my absolute hero.
Needless to say, neither of us are in contact with those 4 people anymore, though we are civil with the others from the initial call about the head shaving who didn't actually go through with it. Both Grace and I are very happy that I decided to tell her beforehand so it wasn't as much of a shock when it happened, and she's glad she doesn't have to endure what would likely have been a lot of mock-support from our ex-friends throughout her cancer journey.
And for some extra satisfaction for everyone who was as mad about the situation as I was: although Grace says it has thinned, as of right now she hasn't lost any hair.
TL;DR: Told friend with cancer that mutual friends were planning to shave their heads. Several went through with it and friend destroyed them for it and cut them off. Friend hasn't actually lost any hair from chemo yet. | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/opexee/aita_for_not_shaving_my_head_to_support_my_best/ | opexee | 5,312 | 921 | [
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2021-07-22T17:12:51 | Super Terrifying Imposter; Don't Trust Authority Figures Blindly | LegalAdvice | Posed by u/babyblues17
&#x200B;
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5smsoi/indiana_im_pregnant_and_being_investigated_by_dcs/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Hello,
I'm twenty-nine years old, happily married, my husband and I are college-educated, have respectable, stable jobs, own a home in a nice neighborhood...we're basically as prepared as anyone can be to start a family. I'm almost nine months pregnant with our first child.
The problem is that eleven years ago, when my husband was a freshman in college, he was arrested for possession of marijuana. It was a large enough amount that he was charged with a Class D felony (our jurisdiction is *very* harsh regarding marijuana), but not intent to deal. He plead guilty and did his time and probation without a problem, passing every drug test along the way. He has not touched marijuana (or any other illegal substance) since, and we rarely even drink (and haven't at all in over a year). I have no criminal record, and have never done drugs myself. It was a stupid mistake he made as a foolish eighteen-year-old, and he's worked hard to put it behind him.
Someone has apparently contacted Child Services in our area and informed them that we are drug users. This accusation is being taken very seriously because of my husband's record. We have been as cooperative as could be with our caseworker. We've been interviewed, our home has been examined, and she found nothing remotely suspicious or incriminating. We have both taken drug tests and passed.
Our caseworker says that everything looks just fine so far. Unfortunately, she also says that there's still the possibility that our child could be taken from us in the labor and delivery ward, and that we won't be allowed to take her home. I was devastated and horrified to hear that. When I asked why, she said it was "not up to \[her\]," and "we'll have to wait and see," which made absolutely no sense to me. What gives? I feel like there's something she isn't telling me, but I have no experience with DCS and I'm not aware of anything we could have possibly done wrong. I know they'll have to test my daughter for drugs once she's born, but she has not been exposed to drugs (nothing more than prenatal vitamins--not even tylenol!), and I already proved that by passing a drug test. I'm scared and confused.
Do I need a lawyer? I had anticipated spending our savings on our new daughter/parental leave, but I will use that money for a lawyer if I have to.
Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for your help.
TL;DR: I'm pregnant. DCS received a tip that my husband and I are actively using drugs. We are not, but my husband was arrested for marijuana possession long ago. What do we do? Is his preexisting drug conviction enough to warrant removing our newborn from us?
&#x200B;
\---
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5ven5y/update_im_pregnant_and_being_investigated_by_dcs/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I was advised to get a lawyer right away. I was also advised that Indiana's DCS doesn't investigate pregnant women who don't already have kids, and that the woman claiming to be a social worker might be an imposter.
I contacted and met with a lawyer, and explained the situation to him. He seemed to agree that something was very fishy. To make a long story short, the woman "handling our case" has no affiliation with DCS.
I'm still in complete shock.
We went straight to the police. They're taking this very seriously. I can't give a lot of details because it's an ongoing investigation, but she seems to have been a very skilled/well-researched liar. I never would have known anything was amiss without the advice of this subreddit and the intervention of my attorney. I feel like a complete idiot, but the instinct to cooperate unquestioningly when faced with an intimidating "authority figure" is strong.
I haven't had the baby yet. We're staying at a trusted family member's home until the baby is born. My OB and the hospital we'll be delivering at have already been informed of the situation, and will be taking the appropriate security measures. I'm still freaking out, but we're taking every precaution for the safety of my child, and hopefully everything will turn out okay.
Thanks again, everybody. Truly. | ladyboner_22 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/opibva/super_terrifying_imposter_dont_trust_authority/ | opibva | 4,370 | 1,099 | [
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2021-07-22T17:18:59 | I’m in trouble—and all I did was jump on my hooman’s lap! | r/legalcatadvice | Just love this silly subreddit (r/legalcatadvice) and this one actually has a tiny update in the comments so I thought I'd put it in here! \[[https://www.reddit.com/r/legalcatadvice/comments/oiax6f/im\_in\_troubleand\_all\_i\_did\_was\_jump\_on\_my\_hoomans/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legalcatadvice/comments/oiax6f/im_in_troubleand_all_i_did_was_jump_on_my_hoomans/)\]/(Original with Update in comments) Posted by u/Sobriquet-acushla ten days ago.
So there was already a plate of food there. So cottage cheese flew everywhere, an English muffin landed butter-side-down on the rug, & a half-eaten peach landed in the garbage. Is that my fault? She’s really mad. I need a pawyer to think up a good defence for me.
[**So\_Numb13**](https://www.reddit.com/user/So_Numb13/)· commented: The lap was not properly configured for your ascent.
UPDATE (comment two days later):
That made me laugh. I’m the hooman in question. All charges have been dropped. | haaskaalbaas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/opigic/im_in_troubleand_all_i_did_was_jump_on_my_hoomans/ | opigic | 962 | 269 | [
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2021-07-22T17:30:31 | Serious single white female vibes: AITA for telling my friend that she needs a life of her own and she has to stop leeching off of mine? | AITA | [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oapaoz/aita_for_telling_my_friend_that_she_needs_a_life/) by [u/Ill-Secretary-205/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Ill-Secretary-205/)
&#x200B;
Hi, my (25F) long-term friend (25F) has a history of doing whatever it is that I'm interested at the moment. She asks questions until she's got a clear idea of what music/books/movies I'm into and then does a whole act of how she 'discovered' that in front of the whole friend group. Being the pushover that I am, I'm sad to say I've let her do this for sometime, while slowly trying to put some distance between us.
This also extends to people, any new friend or even acquaintance I make should be cleared with her, and then she makes a (friend) move on them to get closer to them. She has even tried to weasel her way into my family gatherings and private events. She also for some reason keeps telling my dad that she's like the daughter he would have wanted?? (He's as confused as I am but we learned to laugh it off). I've recently noticed that she is rarely interested in something of her own volition. All her leads are from me. I have been getting tired of her behavior for a while.
Things came to a head a few months ago when she started texting a guy (27M) I've been speaking to for a while (went on a few dates, nothing serious as of now but Im hoping there would be) and telling him how compatible they could be. He was confused and thought it was me texting from her phone so he double checked with me. I ofcourse was beyond angry, but instead of confronting her immediately, I told him to ask her why she is doing this and if she was aware that him and I were almost a thing.
Her response to him was to flirt even further and say that her and I always had similar taste but went on to mention how he might be better off with her.
He sent me the screenshots and I sent them to her and said 'you need to leave me alone. Things in my life are not for grabs. You have leeched off of me for long enough. If you keep this up, I won't have an issue shaming you in our friend group'
She got very standoffish and accused me of 'tricking' her by using the guy's phone to 'make her look bad', she also proceeded to speak badly of me to our friend group.
I might be the asshole cause all this while other than trying to keep some distance between us, I did not properly voice my concerns. She did however, notice my discomfort at various occasions (especially my family gatherings).
So AITA for handling things this way?
&#x200B;
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ogps62/update_aita_for_telling_my_friend_she_needs_a/)
&#x200B;
Firstly thanks to everyone who commented to help me out. Some of it was tough love but I read every comment and had a chuckle at a few but it also helped me realize that the issue wasn't as simple as someone copying my interests.
So after posting, I rang up one of my close friends to let her know what's been happening, she seemed appalled at how my friend made a move on the guy I was seeing. She also confided in me that she often keeps telling her how good and well my life is and how she wishes either her family was like mine or her job was like mine etc. She thought it was just harmless wishing but when everything was put together it just seemed so unhinged.
I also spoke to my dad and mum about how unnerving it was to have her try and do all the things I do when they told me that once, a few years back while I was completing a work experience training in another city, she offered to come and stay at my house to keep them company. They honestly thought she was joking because she lives in the same city with her family and my training was only for 6 months.
So with this new information I decided it was well and truly the time to cut all contact with her. I have let my friends know that she is no longer a part of my life and to warn me about plans we were both part of and most of them seemed to see this coming. I've also decided to stop being around her other close friends.My friends have also told me that they'd keep her from knowing anything about me/my life updates. (I was the one who brought her into this specific friend circle, a few of them already did not get along with her so they were cool with not hanging out with her.)
After not texting her back for a while, she texted me to say 'are you seriously going to let this one guy take away our years of friendship' something along the lines of that and I just said 'yes'. She's kept texting and calling constantly, and eventually sent a message saying 'I hope you and the guy don't work out' and then blocked me. I had refrained from blocking her because I did not want to aggravate her or have her show up at my house. But after she blocked me I blocked her on all social media and told my parents what's happened.
So anyway, I feel better not having her hovering around my life, but I'm sure she is going to try and initiate contact sometime but this time I've decided to stand up for myself. | tequilitas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/opipd6/serious_single_white_female_vibes_aita_for/ | opipd6 | 5,058 | 582 | [
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2021-07-22T17:50:25 | Employee recently promoted doesn't show up for a shift without warning, claiming later in the day they needed a mental health day. Employer wonders if they're TA for demoting or firing the employee. | AITA | \*This is a repost. Original by [u/Absolut\_Failure](https://www.reddit.com/user/Absolut_Failure/)\*
[AITA for telling an employee she can choose between demotion or termination?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/onxses/aita_for_telling_an_employee_she_can_choose/)
I own a vape shop. We're a small business, only 12 employees.
One of my employees, Peggy, was supposed to open yesterday. Peggy has recently been promoted to Manager, after 2 solid years of good work as a cashier. I really thought she could handle the responsibility.
So, I wake up, 3 hours after the place should be open, and I have 22 notifications on the store Facebook page. Customers have been trying to come shop, but the store is closed. Employees are showing up to work, but they're locked out.
I call Peggy, and get no response. I text her, same thing. So I go in and open the store. An hour before her shift was supposed to be **over**, she calls me back.
I ask her if she's ok, and she says she needed to "take a mental health day and do some self-care". I'm still pretty pissed at this point, but I'm trying to be understanding, as I know how important mental health can be. So I ask her why she didn't call me as soon as she knew she needed the day off. Her response: "I didn't have enough spoons in my drawer for that.".
Frankly, IDK what that means. But it seems to me like she's saying she cannot be trusted to handle the responsibility of opening the store in the AM.
So I told her that she had two choices:
1. Go back to her old position, with her old pay.
2. I fire her completely.
She's calling me all sorts of "-ist" now, and says I'm discriminating against her due to her poor mental health and her gender.
None of this would have been a problem if she simply took 2 minutes to call out. I would have got up and opened the store on time. But this no-call/no-show shit is not the way to run a successful business.
I think I might be the AH here, because I **am** taking away her promotion over something she really had no control over.
But at the same time, she really could have called me.
So, reddit, I leave it to you: Am I the asshole?
\-----------------------
[Update:](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/opgizn/update_aita_for_telling_an_employee_she_can/)
Peggy reached out to me yesterday, apologized, and asked if we could meet for lunch.
We met up, and the first thing she did was apologize again. For the no call/no show, and also for her reaction to my response. She admitted that she knows I'm not sexist, or "ableist" (IDK if I spelled that right, there's a red line under it), and explained that she was lashing out due to her mental state.
I accepted her apology, and offered one of my own. Both for giving her too much responsibility too quickly, and also for reacting out of emotion.
She explained to me that she had a major issue on Monday, and without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that it was the anniversary of a bad thing.
She's taking all of her accumulated PTO (\~9 weeks), and we've agreed that going forward, I'm not going to put her on the schedule on that day ever again.
She's admitted that she's not up to the role of manager. When she returns, she will be in the role of lead cashier, a role I created specifically for her. This way she can keep her raise, and not feel like she got a "demotion", but rather a lateral transfer. I've also let her know that if she ever feels like she's up to more responsibility, she can let me know, and I'll put her right back on track for the manager spot.
I've also let her know that if she's ever in a position where she's not able to call out, she can simply text me a thumbs down emoji, and I will accept that as notice that she will be missing her next shift. She's agreed that that will be ok, even when she's "out of spoons".
I appreciate all of the \~6000 comments my post got, even the ones calling me TA. Thank you all very much. I want to specifically address the folks who explained "spoon theory" to me, as well as those who commented about "peter principle", those two types of comments very heavily influenced my actions. I was able to better understand both her issue, and my own failures as a leader because of those comments.
Hopefully we can both move forward from this unfortunate incident and end up better for it.
\---------------------------------
[This is the comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/onxses/aita_for_telling_an_employee_she_can_choose/h5uq4hs/) OP indicates as having helped them understand the spoon theory, and [this is the wiki page](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle) for the Peter Principle. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/opj41w/employee_recently_promoted_doesnt_show_up_for_a/ | opj41w | 4,704 | 426 | [
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2021-07-23T16:08:41 | AITA For telling my wife her parents are not allowed to ever watch our son again (Not the A-hole) Things get messy | AITA | I am NOT the original poster.
[Original Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iycyxr/aita_for_telling_my_wife_her_parents_are_not/)
My wife and I have a 2-year old son and have been married for 4 years. Our anniversary was a month ago and we found a nice, secluded cabin on AirBnB and rented it out for a long weekend getaway. My wife asked her parents if they would be willing to watch our son and they agreed as long as we dropped him off at their house. That worked for us since it was on our way anyway.
I was raised lutheran and my wife was raised catholic, but neither of us currently go to church and have not had our son baptized. My MIL knows this and hates it. She thinks our son needs to be baptized or he will burn in hell, she's that kind of catholic.
So we go on our trip and when we pick up our son and ask how the weekend went, MIL says everything went fine and that she has saved my son's soul from the devil. I ask her what she meant and she says she had our son baptized that morning at her church. I tried my best to keep my cool so I didn't scream at MIL in front of my son, but I pretty much grabbed my son and left. On the car ride home I was fuming and told my wife as calmly as I could that this would be the last time her parents have our son unsupervised. She tried to downplay what her mom had done but I told her we need to wait until we get home to talk about it because I'm not fighting in front of my kid.
When we got home and had a chance to talk about it, things got heated. I told my wife I no longer trust her parents with our son and that if they did something like this behind our backs I can't trust them to respect our wishes as parents in the future. I said this was a huge breach of trust and I will forever look t her mom differently. She continued to try to defend her mom saying that she was only doing what she thought was best for her grandson. She even downplayed it by saying that it's just a little water and a few words and we don't go to church anyway so what does it matter.
I told her that under no circumstances will I allow her parents to watch our son by themselves again. I said that we can still let them see their grandson, but only if we are present. I also said that if she doesn't see what the big deal is with this situation, that maybe we aren't on the same page as parents and maybe we need to see a counselor. She started crying and said that this isn't the kind of decision I get to make on my own and I'm an asshole for trying to tell her what kind of relationship her parents can have with our son.
I told her that I no longer have any trust or respect for her parents and that I don't know if there's anything they can do to repair that. I told her I don't care if that makes me an asshole, but what her parents did was unforgiveable in my eyes and they put themselves in this position to lose privileges with our son. She's been trying to convince me to change my mind for the last month, but I'm not budging. To me this is a hill I'm willing to die on.
Relevant post from OP- She's been asking about it since his birth. Both my wife and I have repeatedly told her that we do not intend on getting him baptized. My wife and I have been on the same page on this from when she was pregnant. We wanted to hold off until he was older and let him explore both of our religions and let him pick on his own. At least, I thought we were on the same page until this happened.
&#x200B;
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/j9qr0l/update_aita_for_telling_my_wife_her_parents_are/)
First off I want to thank everyone who sent me supportive messages and advice, I never expected my post to get so much attention. Since many of you requested an update, here we go.
Turns out some of you were right, my wife was in on it. I confronted her a couple days after I posted and directly asked her if she knew that her parents planned this. She broke down and confessed everything to me. MIL had been pestering her about baptizing our son nonstop and my wife finally caved. My wife has been working from home during covid while my job requires me to go into the office. My wife and MIL started doing zoom meetings with MIL's priest to start the baptism process. They lied to the priest and told him that I was ok with baptizing our son but didn't want to be involved. The priest allowed it and they started doing online baptism classes while I was at work.
My wife admitted that she planned it around our anniversary getaway and that MIL had somehow convinced the priest that her and FIL would be the only ones in attendance. My wife told me that I wasn't supposed to find out, but MIL couldn't keep her mouth shut for even one day about it. Their intention was to keep this from me permanently.
I did contact the church to let them know the truth. I talked with the priest and he was surprisingly helpful. He said he would take the proper steps to make sure MIL is no longer welcome in their church and to reach out to the local parish to see what further steps need to be taken. I have yet to hear back from them on that. My wife and MIL are mad that I got her kicked out of her church, but I don't care what they think or feel anymore.
These people who I love and trust had betrayed me and I felt a range emotions I didn't know existed. My wife begged for forgiveness, but the fact that she didn't come clean on her own makes me feel she would have kept this from me unless I confronted her. She's willing to do therapy, counseling, whatever it takes. I don't know if I want to put in that work, I feel like there's no coming back from this.
I contacted a divorce lawyer and started discussing what a divorce would look like and if there is any way I can add provisions to a divorce agreement that would keep my inlaws from seeing my son unsupervised. He's been very helpful but I have not given him the go-ahead to actually file for divorce yet. I feel I am still too angry about the entire thing to think rationally and want to give myself time to fully grasp what a divorce will mean for me and my family.
My wife and I aren't talking much. I pretty much go to work, come home to play with my son, go to bed, and repeat. I don't know what the future is going to bring, but I do know that without the support and help from people here, I don't think I would have the clarity I do now. | Dogismygod | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oq5kzv/aita_for_telling_my_wife_her_parents_are_not/ | oq5kzv | 6,397 | 1,238 | [
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2021-07-23T16:48:41 | Update: How do I tell my girlfriend that I cannot deal with the constant snuggling | Relationship_Advice | [ever-green-leaves](https://www.reddit.com/user/ever-green-leaves/) posted this
[first post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/kydatx/how_do_i_tell_my_girlfriend_i_cannot_deal_with/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Please someone help me. I am at my limit
I am a 22 year old lesbian and my friend directed me here as apparently this is a problem men deal with too and I’m genuinely about to lose my head over this and need any advice anyone can give me.
I want to start this by saying I love my girlfriend very very much and don’t want to do anything that would risk losing her, but I don’t know what to do anymore.
My girlfriend is a chronic snuggler. Before I met her I was never a touchy kind of person and generally liked my own space, but she’s just so damn cute if she wants to cuddle on the sofa who am I to say no. I genuinely enjoy her affection during the day, but at night is an entirely different story. About a week into dating her (a little over a year ago) I was up front with her and told her that at night I absolutely do not like to be touched. It’s the one time I really absolutely need my space or I cannot sleep. She said it was fine and didn’t have a problem with it. Fast forward to the first time we slept in the same bed together, and as I’m sure you’ve guessed, I woke up with her wrapped around me like a damn boa constrictor.
Guys. When I tell you it felt like the sun itself had suddenly taken residency in my room, I mean it. I’m a naturally warm person and don’t get cold easily, but she is an entirely new level. It’s like I’m sharing a bed with a furnace for Christ’s sake. I have never in my life met a single person who gives off this much body heat and if she hadnt always been like this I would have thought she was running the world’s highest fever. I’m a pretty tall and muscled girl. She’s 5’2” and just overall tiny and will literally latch herself onto me in her sleep with all four limbs like she’s a koala. She is attacking me from all angles and I wake up covered in sweat and so uncomfortable. To top it off, she always wakes up and complains about neck and back pain because the position she sleeps in cannot be comfortable for her but her unconscious state apparently insists that must be how she sleeps.
Every night we spent together it was the same conversation where she would promise not to cuddle with me so I could actually get some sleep, and every night I wake up at 2 am feeling like Satan himself is trying to spoon me into an eternal slumber of hellfire. I put up with it for northwards of a year because like I said, I genuinely love her with my entire heart. The issue is now both of our leases our coming up soon, and the topic of moving in together has been brought up several times. I raised some concerns about the sleeping situation, and she promised me it wouldn’t be a problem.
Well I decided I was going to make sure of that myself. Last week she spent the night at my house, and I built a wall of pillows dividing the bed in half so she wouldn’t be able to wrap herself around me in her sleep anymore. I thought it was a genius solution. She however, did not. She got really emotional with me and started saying that she’s always felt like she cares more about me than I care about her and my unwillingness to cuddle with her at night is proof it. I argued and said that the fact that I’m going to such great lengths to find a way so we can both sleep in the same bed is proof that I care so much about her.
Before you ask, no I am not an emotionally withholding person and she herself admitted that. Her literal only issue is the sleeping fiasco.
I cant even begin to quantify the hours of sleep I have lost because of this. If I remove her body from mine in the middle of the night I always will wake up a couple hours later, and the cycle repeats itself. She claims she can’t sleep without cuddling me which I call BS on because she sleeps just fine apparently on the nights we don’t spend together. We’ve spent whole weeks together at a time between my place and hers, and during those weeks I barely get any sleep at all and felt like absolute death during the day because of it. I physically cannot imagine that being the way I live for the rest of my life.
Do I have a conversation with her and tell her the pillow wall must stay up?? How do I go about this delicately so as not to risk another meltdown??? I am so lost and don’t know what to do here anymore. Someone please help me
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/oq4mlr/update_on_how_do_i_tell_my_girlfriend_i_cannot/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
)
Hello!!! It’s been about six months since I posted this question for you all here I hope this post reaches some of the wonderful people that gave so many amazing suggestions and advice. I wasn’t sure if I should make an update because that doesn’t seem to be the point of this sub, but a lot of people seemed to be invested in it and wanted to know how things worked out, so here I am. Within a week of posting this my girlfriend and I ended up having a long sit down discussion not only about the sleeping situation but about overall boundary crossing in general. Instead of getting defensive or argumentative, to my surprise she broke down in tears and just started apologizing over and over again. Without getting too into everything for her own privacy’s sake, she ended up talking about a lot of things in her past and I realized she had several unresolved traumas that made her extremely emotionally reliant on my validation and affection towards her.
I realized then this was far more of a complicated issue than a body pillow or weighted blanket could easily fix. That week she decided to go back to therapy for herself and things took a dramatic improvement within a month or so. I never realized this but there were several aspects of her personality that I had chosen to find endearing in the past but with the help of her therapist we were able to realize they were, in fact, red flags of attachment issues and other problems we were ignoring. About two months after that we both went into couples counseling together as one of you suggested. Not really to address any specific issues but just as “emotional maintenance” as one lovely commenter put it lol.
Long story short, everything has been absolutely amazing with her ever since. We’ve really learned to healthily communicate with each other and I definitely have never felt scared to share my feelings and concerns with her like I had before all this. We moved in together three months ago. We still have the weighed blanket and body pillow which have worked wonders and are no longer a point of contention.
And finally, last night, I asked her to marry me. She said yes, and I haven’t been this happy in my entire life. I cannot thank the lovely members of this sub more, thanks to you I went from a sleep deprived gremlin unable to express my feelings to one of the happiest people on this planet with the worlds cutest, sweetest, and emotionally healthy fiancé in 6 short months.
Sorry if this is long and sappy and annoying, I just wanted to thank everyone here that commented and I wasn’t able to respond to before the post was locked. I’ll never be able to thank you guys enough.
—EDIT:
OH! Forgot to add, we also are getting a dog sometime early next week!!! Several commenters said that once they got a dog the cuddle dilemma became a non issue. I had wanted to do that from the beginning as I am a chronic dog lover, but felt I wanted to wait until things were more emotionally stable between us. Last week we put in the adoption application for an absolutely adorable and loving Great Pyrenees mutt from our local shelter. Our application got accepted last Wednesday and we’re just waiting for his final vet appointment and registering him with our county. He’s the biggest love bug I’ve ever met and we’re both so excited to bring him home. Thanks again!!! | StolenPens | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oq6e7v/update_how_do_i_tell_my_girlfriend_that_i_cannot/ | oq6e7v | 8,020 | 734 | [
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2021-07-23T20:54:39 | POST-IT Notes left in Apartment | LegalAdvice | https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/34l7vo/ma_postit_notes_left_in_apartment/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Obligatory I am not the OP
I did a scan of the top posts and didn't find this one so I thought I'd add it.
The two main people are u/RBradbury1920 who is the OP and u/kakkerlak
------
r/legaladvice
RBradbury1920
[MA] Post-it notes left in apartment.
On the 15th of April I found a yellow post-it note in a handwriting that wasn't mine on my desk reminding me of some errands I had to do, but told literally nobody about. While odd, I chalked it up to something I did in my sleep, thinking maybe in my half-awake state I scrawled it so it didn't appear to be my handwriting. I threw it out and thought little of it.
On the 19th, I found another post it note on the back of my desk chair, in the same handwriting as the previous note, telling me to make sure I "saved my documents". I was freaked out, but there were no other signs of a break-in, so I set up a web-cam in my house aimed at my desk and used a security-cam app for it to record after detecting movement.
On the 28th, I woke up to find another post-it note, this one saying, "Our landlord isn't letting me talk to you, but it's important we do." I immediately checked the webcam's folder on my computer and found nothing from the night before, but my computer's recycling bin had been emptied, which I am certain I did not do recently, indicating someone had noticed the webcam and deleted the files. (They were just saved straight to a folder on my desktop called "Webcam".
Today, on the 1st of May, I found another post it note, this time on the outside of my door, with nothing written on it– and there also appeared to be post-its on many other doors in my apartment complex, all blank, in varying colors.
Do I have any legal recourse here? I have no proof except for the post-its, but those are written by my pen and on my post-it notes, so conceivably I could have faked them. Would contacting the police get me into any trouble, if they can't determine an outside source for this? I just want to make sure I'm not wasting anyone's time.
Should I consult my landlord? Those also living in the complex?
EDIT: I pulled up a letter I received from my landlord back when I moved in, and the handwriting is identical. Could this count as evidence?
u/kakkerlak replies
You seem sincere and this doesn't appear to be the plot of a Ray Bradbury short story.
It's possible that your landlord is leaving notes inside your apartment, but they don't make any sense in the context you're describing them.
It's likely that you are writing the notes yourself, but you are forgetting. Do you use post-it notes as reminders in any other parts of your life or job ?
Yes, this might be a mental health issue. You might be experiencing some sort of dissociative disorder.
Or it might be a physical problem. You mentioned that you have a very unusual narrow bedroom with no windows*; is there a chance that you are not getting enough ventilation when you sleep, or that there is a carbon monoxide leak in the building ? A cheap CO detector (which you should have anyway) is a fast way to find out. You'll also have really bad headaches.
You know your own medical and mental history and your other experiences. If you think these incidents might be you, writing notes to yourself, there's no shame in getting somebody qualified to give you an opinion.
EDIT: Years later, and the good folks at WBUR Boston Public Radio have turned this thread into a podcast episode as part of their /u/Endless_Thread cooperative project with Reddit, complete with awesome art and title, and interviews with experts on the topics of sleepwalking and poisons, but not on webcams or landlord/tenant law.
http://www.wbur.org/endlessthread/2018/03/09/something-wicked
u/RBradbury1920 responds
I have had really bad headaches... And I actually already do have a CO detector, guess I should probably take that out of it's box and plug it in.
UPDATE
u/RBradbury1920
[UPDATE!] [MA] Post-it notes left in apartment.
Thanks to everyone who sent suggestions and gave advice on how to proceeded– especially to those who recommended a CO detector... because when I plugged one in in the bedroom, it read at 100ppm.
TL;DR: I had CO poisoning and thought my landlord was stalking me.
- - - -
*
u/gnornn finds the same thread that presumably u/kakkerlak saw when looking at u/RBradbury1920's post history that led him/her to the hypothesis that it was CO poisoning.
https://www.reddit.com/r/DesignMyRoom/comments/347yyq/working_with_a_strange_bedroomroom_35_x_10/ | onemany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oqbaw6/postit_notes_left_in_apartment/ | oqbaw6 | 4,643 | 303 | [
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2021-07-24T00:21:57 | OP unfortunately gets what he deserves, let's hope he learns from it - "AITA for getting a paternity test on my son who doesn’t look like me?" | AITA | ***Original:*** [***AITA for getting a paternity test on my son who doesn’t look like me?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ggkfdz/aita_for_getting_a_paternity_test_on_my_son_who/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) ***Posted in*** /r/amitheasshole
I’m a 29 year old white guy. My wife is 30 and black. We have two kids, a 3 year old girl and a 5 year old boy. My wife got pregnant with our son early in our relationship. We had only been together a year. We got married because she got pregnant. Fortunately for us, we are actually happy.
When my son was born I accepted him as mine. However, I couldn’t help noticing how little he looked like me. He is noticeably darker than my wife. He doesn’t look half white. My family and friends have asked if I’m sure he’s mine. I had doubts, but I initially decided to trust my wife. I loved my son regardless.
When our son was 2, my wife had our daughter. I had no doubt she’s mine. She looks just like me, she even has my blue eyes. I never realized how powerful it is to know a child is yours. I bonded with her easier because there wasn’t the question of paternity dangling over our heads. My family bonded with her faster too. Her resemblance to me convinced me that my son is not mine.
I tried to always treat them equally as I see them both as my children. But I realized I was beginning to resent my son. It felt unfair that I had to care for someone else’s child. I also began to resent my wife because I felt she had betrayed me. I finally got a paternity test in secret. I was relieved to learn that my son is in fact mine. Genetics are weird. Anyways, that was 4 months ago and my relationship with my wife and son improved dramatically. I feel much closer to him now that I know he’s mine. My wife and I have been so happy that we were talking about a third child.
I confessed to my wife I got a paternity test. I hated keeping the secret and I thought she would understand given how much he doesn’t look like me. She flipped out. She asked me if I ever doubted our daughter, and when I said no she called me racist. It’s not true. I didn’t prefer my daughter because of her whiter features, I just knew she was mine. She also said that I made our son feel unloved for no reason for all those years. I said that’s bull. Even when I didn’t believe my son was mine, I treated him as though he were. My wife says she wants to move out and take our children after the quarantine.
It’s been about a week and a half and I’m still on the sofa. I hoped she would’ve calmed down by now but things haven’t changed. She’s just so furious with me for not trusting her and for in her eyes, denying my son because he’s dark. She barely talks to me unless it’s about the kids. I don’t want to lose my family. Here’s where I turn to you, Reddit. Is it so awful that I had doubts? I still took care of him. I don’t understand why something like this is wrecking my marriage. I think she is overreacting. So, AITA?
*\**/r/amitheasshole *resoundly votes YTA, here are some notable comments:*
[**basketballthro910**](https://www.reddit.com/user/basketballthro910/)·[1y](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ggkfdz/aita_for_getting_a_paternity_test_on_my_son_who/fq2nidu/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) You married a Black woman and for some reason got confused one of your children ended up Black, please take a HS level biology course, something. YTA.
[**lightwoodorchestra**](https://www.reddit.com/user/lightwoodorchestra/)·[1y](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ggkfdz/aita_for_getting_a_paternity_test_on_my_son_who/fq1shrz/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) YTA. Yeah, your marriage is over. You neglected your son for years because you couldn't be bothered to do some research on genetics and just assumed your mixed race kids would automatically look like the stereotype in your head. It was racist and paranoid and also led you to be a bad father. Why would she still want to be married to you?
[**Inksinger**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Inksinger/)·[1y](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ggkfdz/aita_for_getting_a_paternity_test_on_my_son_who/fq7qwy0/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) YTA. You let yourself fester quietly for five years and (whether you realize it or not) likely hurt your wife and son in the process, then got the paternity test done in secret after your daughter came out looking like every Hollywood mixed baby. Whether you did it knowingly or not, the idea that the lighter-colored child was not only yours but PROOF that your darker-skinned son is someone else's kid is rooted in racist ideology. YTA for so far refusing to do the introspection necessary to figure this one out.
You're also TA for the way you're dismissing your wife's response to what you've done and why.
First: Instead of being open and honest about your concern from the beginning (with more than "light comments" about the boy's skin color), you kept quiet and essentially punished both your wife and your son with what sounds like a much chillier attitude than the one your daughter got.
Second: You got the paternity test done in secret, and only went to your wife after you had made certain whether or not the boy is in fact yours. Instead of giving her the chance to prove herself to you, you waited until you could confront or present her with the truth. That's a coward's solution.
Third: Having already received those results and being relieved to have been wrong about your son, you seem to have expected your wife to immediately share in your joy and have absolutely no upset whatsoever. That isn't fair to her. She's her own human being, and she's just discovered the guy she chose to sleep with, have children with, and marry hasn't trusted her at all these last five years. She has every right to be hurt, and to express that hurt in whatever way she needs to - even if that includes leaving you behind.
Fourth: There are a LOT of racist stereotypes involving interracial couples. The darker-skinned baby being born to white parents "joke" is only one of them. Most if not all of those stereotypes center in on the extremely racist idea that black people are sexually promiscuous, disloyal, and only ever seek to take advantage of white people. It is extremely likely that your wife has been on the receiving end of A LOT of comments rooted in those stereotypes - probably a lot more than you will ever know. And now, you've just proven to her that she has no ally in you. You tested your son because he was so much darker than your daughter. You let yourself doubt your wife's loyalty to you for five years rather than trying to have an actual, serious conversation with her. The "man" she chose is no better than anyone else who has ever had a hurtful thing to say about your relationship. Do you have any idea the amount of pain and betrayal she has to be feeling right now?
How dare you? Truly, honestly, how dare you? How dare you do this and expect her to be okay? How dare you do this and come running to a sea of strangers to validate you when it rightfully blows up in your face? You need to do a good deal of soul searching and find a way to try to make this better - and NOT for your sake.
***Update:*** [***UPDATE - AITA for getting a paternity test on my son who doesn’t look like me?***](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/h7k9wy/update_aita_for_getting_a_paternity_test_on_my/) ***Posted in*** /r/amitheasshole
After being ripped to shreds on my first post I didn’t plan to ever log in to this account again. Some recent events have persuaded me to update you all on what’s been going on. I’ll just get right to it.
My wife and I are separated currently. I moved out so she and the kids could stay in our home. I’m staying with my parents for now. I don’t get to see my kids as often as I would like to. When I have a more stable living situation we’ll have joint custody of them. It’s been very hard on me and the kids. I talk to them on the phone every night, and they both keep asking when I’m coming home. It breaks my heart that I can’t answer that question. My daughter is taking it the worst. I feel awful that her world had been turned upside down by her own parents. I miss my family. I miss seeing my kids everyday.
I miss my wife.
Our relationship has been put in limbo for now. She says she needs space to process, and doesn’t know if she will be able to forgive me. I’ve apologized in every way that I know how to. At this point I just have to give her the space she wants and hope she calms down. It would be horrible for us to throw away we built. If separating has been this hard in the kids, divorce is going to shatter them. She seems open to seeking couples counseling. It gives me some hope we can work past this.
As for reddit, I admit I didn’t want to hold myself accountable before. I couldn’t see how my actions were subconsciously harmful to my son. It was never my intention to be racist but I did treat my son differently due to his skin color when you strip it down to its roots. I realized how bad I fucked up when I felt ashamed thinking my wife has probably told her family why we separated. They used to think really highly of me. Now they all probably think I’m a racist. I have no one to blame for that but myself.
With all the craziness going on in the world I know that I need to be more aware of my actions. My kids deserve to have their family to be safe haven from racism. It scares me thinking about the type of world I will send them out into where they could be racially profiled in most places. I can’t imagine if it were my son on the news instead of one of those other poor guys. I’ll never let anything get in the way of my relationship with him again. Thanks all. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oqf4l9/op_unfortunately_gets_what_he_deserves_lets_hope/ | oqf4l9 | 9,861 | 974 | [
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2021-07-24T05:06:00 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oqjhyf/deleted_by_user/ | oqjhyf | 9 | 343 | [
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2021-07-24T15:12:22 | AITA for subjecting my boyfriend to my nakedess? | AITA | *I'm not the original poster*
[AITA for subjecting my boyfriend to my nakedess?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ctqxqd/aita_for_subjecting_my_boyfriend_to_my_nakedess/)
I (32F) live with my boyfriend (35M) of 5 years. We live together in an awkwardly shaped apartment with a long, narrow living room and a tiny bedroom. As a result, our dresser is in the living room.
After work, I like to come home, greet my boyfriend who's usually relaxing on the couch, and change into my gym clothes. While I'm changing in the living room, we usually talk about our day. Well today, I started telling him about an annoying co-worker while I was topless. Out of nowhere, he abruptly stops me and curtly says, "don't talk to me when you're naked". I was really taken aback by this. Embarrassed, I went into the bedroom to dress in peace.
Angrily, I came out and asked my boyfriend why he suddenly had a problem with me being naked. Before I get into his reasoning, I will admit that I am naked quite a bit. For instance, after I shower I like to do a naked Kermit style dance to dry off in front of him. Anyway, his discomfort is that seeing me naked all the time makes it less special when we have sex. He even mentioned that this issue came up in Seinfeld and that Jerry would side with him. I don't know about this, I feel like I have a right to be naked, but I don't want him to feel uncomfortable either.
Anyway, should I let my fur flag fly or AITA??
**UPDATE:**
Before I dive in, you guys really came through with the solid advice! Thank you! Ok, so after this incident I decided to cool off and go to the gym. When I got home my boyfriend sheepishly greeted me. I coldly said "hi" and sat on the couch to play on my phone. While I'm sitting, he walks over to me and without saying a single word, begins to start stripping! He gets butt naked, picks up my free weights and starts doing lunges, squats, bicep curls, you name it! I watched him in silence until we both couldn't take it anymore and started laughing. He then apologized, saying he doesn't have a problem with my nudity, he just doesn't like to have prolonged conversations when I'm naked. I understand where he's coming from, so we agreed that any conversation longer than 5 minutes will require a shirt. Tough, but fair.
Thank you again for your helpful comments! They were really thoughtful and made me think deeper about how I was making him uncomfortable. In terms of saying that me being naked all the time makes sex less special, he said it was a dumb comment that he only said in anger. I accept this.
I'm also a bit obsessed with all the Seinfeld comments. Jerry is absolutely an asshole and using him to argue your point is hilarious. Now Kramer on the other hand...
And thank you to everyone who supports my Kermit dance! I will confidently dance dry after my shower tonight. But for no longer than 5 minutes. I know the rules. | Schattenspringer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oqrwq6/aita_for_subjecting_my_boyfriend_to_my_nakedess/ | oqrwq6 | 2,921 | 971 | [
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2021-07-24T16:07:52 | Father of the year Contender | LegalAdvice | This is a repost from five years ago
I am posting the link from the bestoflegaladvice since the comments are better from a popcorn point of view. The original poster was [**u/accountnumber496**](https://np.reddit.com/user/accountnumber496/)
[First post](https://www.reddit.com/r/bestoflegaladvice/comments/4acj7m/in_which_ops_daughter_was_forced_to_wear_a/)
# My ex husband and his new wife made my daughter a back brace out of wood and steel and forced her to wear it.
My daughter is nine and we share custody by alternating weeks. My daughter says her back hurts now and her arm is tingling. I have a doctors appointment for her on Monday and in the meantime I am trying to remain calm.
I confronted my ex-husband about it and all her would say was one text message where he says his new wife didn't like how my daughter slouched at the dinner table. They aren't doctors and there is nothing wrong with her that she needs a brace. I fucking want to kill both of them. Is there a way I can get a quick court date or see a judge because I don't want her going back there. When we divorced it took a long time to figure out custody.
Edit: Sorry the location is the state of Florida. I'm so mad I'm having a hard time focusing.
[Update post](https://www.reddit.com/r/bestoflegaladvice/comments/4xbw2o/update_to_the_backbrace_lady/)
**Update to the backbrace lady**
Firstly I would like to thank everyone for all the support in my first post and all the supportive PM's I received. It was really overwhelming (in a good way). A few people asked for an update so here it is.
So a lot has happened since I first posted. I called in to work while I was trying to get all this sorted. One of my co-workers has a cousin who is a lawyer and she knew someone who was able to help me and file the paperwork. My husband played dumb in court but his visits got reduced to supervised and he was ordered to take a parenting class. My daughter went to physiotherapy. Eventually the court reinstated his visitation when he swore he had learned his lesson and was sorry and with his otherwise clean record the court agreed. I was against it but the court ruled against me.
I gave my daughter her own cell phone so she could call me whenever she needed to. On her second visit it happened again. This time the brace had steel and fabric instead of wood and they took her phone too. The next night she left when they weren't looking and went up the street to a neighbor who is a police officer. The neighbor called paramedics and her co-workers. They had to cut the brace off my daughter. My husband and his wife were arrested. They got out quickly but they have been charged and their infant is with CPS. My ex lost visitation and custody and I'm working on making it permanent. Unfortunately my daughter's shoulder was dislocated from the brace. It set back her rehab and part of her arm is still numb and tingling. She needed surgery and is still recovering. She always played sports (especially at school) and did dance but the doctor thinks she won't ever be able to lift her arm all the way up again. I hate my ex and he'll see her again over my fucking dead body. Right now I'm focusing on my daughter while my lawyer takes care of things. That's my update. | amistada | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oqswwi/father_of_the_year_contender/ | oqswwi | 3,256 | 818 | [
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2021-07-24T20:20:33 | The Wedding Violin Saga: a r/relationships classic | Relationships | This is a repost, the original posts were deleted but you can still see the comments via the links.
Original
[My (23f) friend (22f) just asked me to play the violin in her wedding. I do not and have never played the violin? Also I think she might literally be going insane. Like, really.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/28t2e2/my_23f_friend_22f_just_asked_me_to_play_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
So my friend from school asked me to be in her wedding over lunch today. I have known this girl about 2 years and because we have the same major we are school friends. We partner up in classes, do projects together etc, but I dont really know or hang out with her outside this setting. Anyways she asked me to be in her wedding, I assumed as a bridesmaid. But I was wrong.
She said she had had a dream of her perfect wedding and it was so beautiful she woke up crying, wrote it all down and cried for hours because it was just so beautiful and perfect. She even made some sketches and said this was a vision from God of her wedding and she couldnt even explain the warmth and ecstatic love to me because she didnt have the words but that she would do anything to capture it perfectly. She then likened herself to an artist with divine inspiration and went on for about 20 minutes about the details of her inspiration and how beautiful and uniting this wedding would be. That it would change lives and be so much more than a ceremony and that the execution was so perfect it would be more of a visual statement; an artistic dedication to love that everyone would be a living part of. In this beautiful perfect wedding, I am to the front left on the aisle, playing violin as her guests arrive. In a "long white gown, feathered and beaded and soft, very romantic. I'll know it when I see it." I laughed and told her I've never played the violin before and as such may have a hard time performing for her guests. She told me that I had a year to learn and that this was extremely important to her.
I looked at what I could of her beautiful wedding notes. They seem really insane. Lots of stuff feverishly circled or written over and over like "INSPECT WHAT YOU EXPECT" over and over and "ALL IN WHITE" literally scribbled over other words, all in the margins, copied into big paragraphs. The part she showed me of my role just said "(My name)-violin-soft and complex, beautiful and intricate-a concerto-lots of detail. WOW the guests". I dont know how to play violin at all. I've literally never touched one. She sounded like she was on drugs talking about it, she was feverish and flitting from topic to topic and talking about how maybe I could compose something but she wanted it to sound "so intricate that no one would believe it was just one person playing it". It seems beyond normal bride stuff and when I told her even if I did have a year to learn to play it would be basic at best she SLAMMED her hand on the table and said "STOP." Then went right back to her cheery, excited talk about her divine wedding. I very gently tried to refuse, and told her that this wedding sounded really important and that I would be happy to try to find a professional to play for her and she just said "Mm, no, no, it has to be you. I'm sure of it." And went right back to talking, as if I had suggested I wearing a hat to the beach. Just really casually dismissed. Then she dropped a bomb. "Besides, I already bought your violin and it was almost 2 thousand dollars."
WHAT? I DONT KNOW HOW TO PLAY. I told her she was being INSANE but she just kept making "no" noises or putting up her hands or saying "Enough". Eventually she just said the violin would be here in a few weeks and that I needed to find someone that gives lessons and learn, and that she believed in me. She told me that worst case scenario, I get to learn a skill most people would love to learn and that if I do well, I can have the violin as payment. I dont want a violin. I dont play. Then she left, and here I am dumbfounded.
I cant exactly cut ties and run, it is Summer now but we have a class together currently, and 3 classes together in the Fall. I can only see her getting crazier about this. She is scaring me and while she's always had a flair for the dramatics, she's never been this crazy before. I'm not really sure if this is just mega Bridezilla and she will get over it, or if I should just pretend I dont know her, or if I should call a loony bin to come pick her up. Or just take up the violin and hope whatever god of weddings visited her grants me magical powers.
TL:DR; My friend was visited by the wedding god, i must play the violin.
Update
[Update to the Violin Wedding Dramatics](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/28xujq/update_to_the_violin_wedding_dramatics/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Ages are still 23f and 22f, length of relationship 2 years.
So I sent a modified OP to her fiance, and added after "I'm really worried because this seems pretty mentally unstable, way beyond normal bride stuff." I got this reply on facebook from her (not her fiance) at about 2pm today (I didnt see it because she deleted me from her friends and it went to a different mailbox? Facebook is weird).
"Thanks so much for trying to tell my husband I'm crazy. Thank God he understands what it is like to love someone and what planning a wedding is all about. Excuse me that I have a dream I am passionate about, trust me if you ever get a ring with that attitude you will understand too but i doubt it. Nice try trying to get between us but guess what sweetie nothing can tear us apart least of all you hahahahaha. You are clearly jealous and that makes me feel really bad for you."
Then about an hour ago I got a message from her fiance. A LONG message. The TL;DR is that she went fucking nuts on a florist because he couldnt do her entire wedding in wisteria, (The horror) almost got arrested for making a scene in his store, he found out she has spent her financial aid/student loan money for the second half of summer and the fall on random wedding stuff like my violin and has been booking venue tours and tastings with ridiculous expensive prices. (If anyone is familiar with Texas, she is looking at doing her wedding in giant castle in that ritzy Lake Travis part of Austin. You know, by the huge multi million dollar mansions.) So he told her about the need for a budget and being realistic and she threw an EPIC fucking fit. At this point she left and went to her sister's house. I messaged him back saying that she may be bipolar and in a manic state, and to ask her sister to maybe get her to a doctor but he was more upset and focused on being hurt at what she had said to him about the wedding than her. (She threw a right little tantrum and accused us of sleeping together.)
I told him that needless to say, I would not be playing violin in their wedding and that I was sorry for any trouble but I really did think it was best he seek some mental health help for her. He said "You made your point, you don't need to rub it in, I can take care of my family." I told him I understood and wished them the best, and I guess that is that. I didn't see her in class today though, and it looks like she wont be coming back for the Fall unless she has a plan to get more money.
Thank you for the help everyone, I really did appreciate having a few hundred friends in this.
tl;dr: No one will stand in the way of the wedding god, the show goes on it would seem. Sans wisterias and one violinist. | mosalikewhoa | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oqxey0/the_wedding_violin_saga_a_rrelationships_classic/ | oqxey0 | 7,588 | 1,572 | [
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2021-07-25T06:48:16 | [deleted by user] | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/or6pr6/deleted_by_user/ | or6pr6 | 9 | 593 | [
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2021-07-25T07:42:06 | OP's husband ditches OP to make out with ex at a bar, but everyone who witnessed it claims it absolutely didn't happen: Another Relationships classic with hints of the CO poisoning post | Relationships | I did a search and couldn't find this on here so I hope its not a repost, I think about this one a lot
[My (28f) husband (26m) took his ex's(26f) side, kissed her and went to a bar with her to spite me](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3koneb/my_28f_husband_26m_took_his_exs26f_side_kissed/)
This happened maybe last week, and I am still a little shaken up by it. I really need advice. On what to do/how to fix this/what is right or wrong....
So my husband's good friend was living with us over the summer. Since it will conceivably be the last summer he's going to be here, he often had friends and whatnot over to visit. Well, the night before he left, friend invited over a ton of his friends and his sister... who also happens to be my husbands long-term ex girlfriend. They were pretty serious, dated from when they were 15 to 19.
She immediately starts acting like nothing has changed between them- like she's still his girlfriend. Behaving cutely, asking him to do things for her, etc. At one point, she's eating chicken wings (we ordered a ton of food, and despite this awkward mess, I hung around) and chokes a little on the spiciness. My husband offers her a paper towel, and she thanks "her Sky-Bear". This is when I ungraciously flip my shit. I tell her not to call him that and she needs to leave, right now.
My husband immediately bridles and stands up for her. "No she doesn't. She's not going anywhere." I'm a little stunned. I have no idea what to say, but I back down, not wanting to push him.
"Okay, she doesn't have to leave, but I'm going. And it's weird that the person in this situation who's the wife has to leave."
"Fine." He retorts and tells me he and his ex, and his friend are all going to the bar. And no, I'm not invited. I leave and go to bed, but before they go, I go down to use the bathroom and see him and his ex kissing.
Mortified, I run back to bed. He joins me about three hours later, well past midnight. I ask him why he's acting the way he has been, and he admitted he just didn't like me reacting so strongly against his ex, and my tone irked him. We fell asleep, and I have no idea what to say or do. Apparently my irrational bitchiness drove my husband to kiss his ex and go out with her to a bar for a few hours without me.
Now what the fuck do I do?
EDIT: based on all of your reactions, it gave me the courage to confront my husband. I really don't know what to say. He was completely confused. He told me such an event never happened. He hasn't talked to his ex in years, much less kissed her, and he would never think inviting her over without consulting me would be okay. I texted his friend, and he didn't remember ever doing something like this, either (inviting over a ton of people and sister). I even texted a person invited over- he kind of laughed and said he hadn't been over to our house in months. I texted him the same time I was texting husbands friend, so there was no way for them to collude.
I am so scared.
EDIT 2: my husband came home. He was scared when he say the mess I made he thinks this is serious. He gave me a NyQuil, and I am getting ready for bed I am going to bed there's nothing more to say tonight goodnight. Thank you goodbye. I am going to give him my phone.
**tl;dr**: I acted like a bitch to husbands ex, he reacted strongly to my negative behavior, kissed his ex and left to go to a bar to spite me (his exact words). Now what the fuck do I do?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3kwdl0/update_my_28f_husband_26m_took_his_exs26f_side/)
Hey guys, great update! First, thank you all for your outpouring of love and support! I got on this morning and was overwhelmed by all your love, help, and compassion! You guys give me hope for humanity. And thanks to the a-hole who told me I was a crazy drama whore, that my husband should dump me and get a restraining order.
So, yesterday morning, my husband took me to the doctor's, who asked me a lot of the questions you guys did. No, I didn't hit my head recently, no I don't take recreational drugs. However, I have been feeling ill lately, so the night I had the dream/hallucinations, I had taken NyQuil and Benadryl to help me sleep and not drown in my own snot. Oh, and I also had a few hot toddies, so alcohol.
Apparently, Benadryl has been known to cause weird reactions in perfectly normal people. Such as vivid hallucinations or waking dreams.
So instead of scheduling expensive tests, we chalked it up to weird drug interactions, was told to come back if anything similar happened and to get a goddamn PCP. Husband took me home and I slept. Btw, while I was freaking out and still hopped up on drugs, I did check the call records, and his ex's number wasn't on the call or text list.
EDIT: Yeah, guys, in retrospect, mixing two kinds of drugs that (apparently, never knew this, and thanks for telling me, bc I wouldn't have known) do the same thing was really damn stupid. I won't be doing it again. Also probably never taking acetaminophen either, judging from some of your comments. Or alcohol. Also, I'm actually really relived I'm not alone in the whole mind-trip thing. I'm sorry for anyone who experienced what I did and doubt their own reality.
**tl;dr** NyQuil, Benadryl, and alcohol should not be mixed as Benadryl is evil. | -potatopirate- | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/or7chs/ops_husband_ditches_op_to_make_out_with_ex_at_a/ | or7chs | 5,329 | 1,259 | [
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2021-07-26T07:44:47 | Uh oh - "I lied on my CV and got the job, now it might come out and I'm bricking it." /r/legaladviceUK | LegalAdviceUK | ***Original:*** [***I lied on my CV and got the job, now it might come out and I'm bricking it.***](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/dwtcwq/i_lied_on_my_cv_and_got_the_job_now_it_might_come/) ***Posted in*** /r/legaladviceUK
A few years ago, I was looking to switch careers before entering my 30's and was getting pretty frustrated with all of the jobs where being **'EDUCATED TO DEGREE LEVEL IS ESSENTIAL.**' I'd worked my way up through the company where I was for 10 years and most of the jobs I was looking at were well within my skillset, I wasn't looking at anything that required specialist training or qualifications and was feeling that because I hadn't spent 30 grand to get a piece of paper, I was being shut out of a lot of opportunities.
So I decided to add an extra line to my CV which said that I'd attended university and come away with a 2:2 in a pretty broad subject. If any of the jobs requested a copy of my degree, I would blag a story about not having access to it.
Almost instantly, I started getting interview requests from the jobs that I applied for, one of which I accepted and have been working for the last 2 years.
A few nights ago, I was out for drinks with a colleague and I let slip in the course of conversation that I didn't go to Uni. The colleague in question got pretty pissed that he was working at the same level as someone who hadn't 'paid their way' through education like they had and stormed off, but not before promising to report me to management later on this week.
What are the potential ramfications here? I'm guessing that I'll be in breach of my contract so they'll probably be able to sack me straight off but is there any other legal action that could be taken against me at all? What should I be preparing for if the worst happens?
\[EDIT\]: I'm in England.
***Update:*** [***\[UPDATE\] Came Clean Regarding My Degree in Dishonesty***](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/dy2sen/update_came_clean_regarding_my_degree_in/) ***Posted in*** /r/legaladviceUK
I want to start by clarifying a few things.
I realise that my wording of 'paying 30 grand for a piece of paper' was disrespectful to people who have genuinely worked hard to get a degree and I apologise for that. I didn't mean to diminish the value of getting a degree in any way, or the hard work, time and stress that goes into further education.My main point of frustration is regarding workplaces that add the line 'educated to degree level is essential' to a job ad where that role clearly doesn't require one.
It effectively stonewalls people like myself, who (for several uncontrollable reasons) didn't get to go to Uni and instead have spent many years working tirelessly, earning real workplace experience, and creates a situation where the best person for the job may not even be considered because they didn't go to university.Some of the people that I work with have little to no work place experience but do have degrees that are completely irrelevant - why does that make them more qualified for a job over someone with actual experience within that role?
That being said, I would never apply for a job like being a doctor, an engineer, an architect or any other highly skilled careers that require specific qualifications, earned through many years of hard work and further education.
**With that out of the way - onto the update:**
So I called my manager over the weekend and explained the whole situation to him. After reading all of the responses to my post, I started to feel like no matter the outcome, getting out ahead and admitting what I'd done was going to be best in the long run. It turns out my colleague hadn't bothered to say anything about it but I'm glad that I did.
He was pretty pissed off about the breach of trust but was a lot calmer than I thought he would be, said not to worry about it too much and to leave it with him over the weekend.
After getting into work this morning, I was immediately called into a meeting with my manager and one of the company directors. I felt like maybe this was the end but it wasn't quite as dire as that.
Both of them agree that my work has been pretty good and want to keep me on but agree that there does need to be ramifications for the dishonesty.
The main part of my punishment is that for the next 3 years, I will not be promoted or receive a payrise. I am effectively frozen within my role until the end of 2022. I feel like this punishment will feel more and more severe as time goes by but I'm prepared to take it. The 3 year timeframe is puposely symbolic of the time that I would have spent getting a degree.
The incredibly positive part however is that the company is willing to partially fund further education for me so that I can legitimise my future career prospects. I was not expecting this at all and honestly got a bit emotional when my manager started talking about it.
After explaining the reasoning behind why I lied, they have also agreed to reevaluate their hiring process / job ads for some of the roles so that a degree is added to the 'desirable but not essential' field.
For obvious reasons, we are going to be keeping all of this between the three of us. I have informed both of them that I let slip to my colleague and I believe they are going to speak with him as well.
All in all, I feel pretty lucky and grateful for this outcome and want to thank most of you for your advice but not so much the people who PM'd me calling me all kinds of names.. | almostselfrealised | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oru18s/uh_oh_i_lied_on_my_cv_and_got_the_job_now_it/ | oru18s | 5,510 | 1,409 | [
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