dlb/mentalreddit · Datasets at Hugging Face

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3,201	daddit	I will always be the first person to recommend therapy. For you and your wife, and hell even together. If you've become self aware enough to recognize insecurities and egotism in your life, you are self aware enough to try therapy. If anything, it's just a neutral third party to bounce ideas off of. It's helped me and my wife and I always recommend it when trying to process heavy shit like this. I am very glad things have turned around for you, and it seems like you have a decent head on your shoulders. Even if you aren't feeling unwell anymore, you go to well-visits at the doctor right? I encourage you and your wife to look into it.
3,202	daddit	Men can suffer from post partem depression as well. It needs to be more widely addressed. It seems like you went through it as well as your wife.
3,203	daddit	>I was stuck just wondering how the fuck I went from wanting to have a kid to being willing to murder him in a world with no consequences. >He'll be 3 months in two days and I would fight a fucking grizzly bear for this adorable little bastard. How things change. Interesting how becoming aware of your beliefs (e.g. Im insecure) can change you from wanting to kill your loved one to die to save their life. Always remember when you're angry to ask yourself 'what am I REALLY thinking and feeling? Is it hating HIM or myself? Everyone could learn from this post, thank you for sharing!
3,204	daddit	Listen I get that you worked through this one, but for the sake of the kid, please see a skilled counselor the moment it returns. And it will return. Kids know what is going on and if you're putting out an I hate you vibe, your kid will pick up on it and be affected for years/decades.
3,205	daddit	Mom here. Sorry you're getting some shit over this. I was heartbroken when I began reading your post, and I started crying when I read about your epiphany. I'm so glad that things are starting to turn around for you guys. And I think the courage it took to share a story like that is an inspiring quality in a father. I'm sure you have many more that you don't even see yet. I struggled with severe postpartum anxiety after the birth of my first and some intense (but less severe) insecurities after the birth of my second. My kids are 2 (almost 3) and 8 months. Every week I have at least one moment when I feel like a total failure. There have been many weeks over the past few years when I felt like an utter failure every single day. Parenting is so fucking hard. And I think we're the hardest on ourselves when we care the most. I don't mean to minimize how you felt before. I suspect, however, that if you hadn't cared about your son at all, you would have been more apathetic about your insecurities. Obviously I could be totally wrong (I haven't been in your shoes), but I just want to throw that possibility out there in case you ever start to beat yourself up over how you felt those first couple of months. I wish you luck with everything. :)
3,206	daddit	As an avid people-watcher, I have always loved airports. There's something about travel that pushes people to their limits, so you often to get to see them act in an almost instinctual way. It brings out the struggles and flaws that people are able to hide under better circumstances. I think parenthood is sort of like air travel that lasts for years. Under the load of raising a small human being, whatever difficulties we have in ourselves, in our relationships, there's no room and no energy left to push away or hide those things anymore. So we have to either deal with them, or we let them out in less healthy ways. Good on you for having the self-awareness and consideration to think through what's going on. It sounds like a super important realization. One piece of advice: don't be afraid to seek assistance in the future. While I consider myself a pretty self-aware guy, there are major breakthroughs that I was only able to come to terms with by the help of a therapist. Seeking out therapy changed the course of my life for the better, I don't think there's anyone in the world that couldn't benefit at some point. Great job working through the struggle. Hang in there!
3,207	daddit	There was another post somewhere on Reddit not too long ago, and it asked parents when they really began feeling love for their child. The responses ranged from "the first moment I laid eyes on him/her" to "when they were finally old enough to begin taking care of themselves." I was relieved to see such brutally honest responses, as I had very mixed emotions as a first time parent. When I returned to work, our daughter's bedtime was almost exactly when I returned home for the evening, after being flooded with cute photos and videos of our daughter all day, I was always looking forward to spending time playing with her for a little while before bed. However a tired baby is a crying, screaming baby, and she usually reached this crying/screaming point just before I got home. I was rapidly convinced that my daughter hated me, and whatever bond I may have felt was greatly diminished by the resentment that was growing inside me. This went on for probably the first 3 or 4 months, before I really understood that the tension was more about my own insecurities. Best of luck to you. It really does get better. Seeing their eyes light up when you come home, playing games with them, so many "firsts." It will all be worth it.
3,208	daddit	I hated you for 90% of your story. Won't lie. I know that's a dick comment and doesn't help, but it's true. I loved my son the second he came out. I know I'm part of a select few. So I can't empathize or sympathize. I know that too. However... reading your self analysis and your turn around made me go from hating you to thinking you may end up being one of the best dad's there can be. What you did is very tough to do on so many levels. You did it. Never stop trying to improve and realizing your short comings. If you need anything or just to vent, message me. I have a 19 month old and a girl due in April. I'm no expert, but willing to help.
3,209	daddit	[deleted]
3,210	daddit	Thank you for posting that. As someone who is about to have a child in the next few days, this was incredibly helpful to read.
3,211	daddit	Congrats on the realization. This is definitely the toughest thing about being a parent cause it's not a game you win. Believe me, when the child is running around with you outside you will be happier than ever.
3,212	daddit	I've got 5 kids, and I've probably cycled through every emotion known to man with them. One thing I've discovered over the years is that love isn't just a feeling, love is a choice. You can choose to love your kids even when you don't like their behavior. Those closest to us always bring out the strongest emotions, sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes not. The incompetent thing, that only goes away with time, but even today with 5 kids with my oldest getting ready to graduate I still feel it occasionally when something new comes up. One thing I highly recommend is to do some reading. Screamfree marriage and Screamfree parenting in particular are excellent books that will save you a lot of gray hairs. Links to those and others I recommend at http://www.personalgrowthchannel.com/2015/05/power-up-books-for-personal-development.html Best of luck in your parenting journey. The fact that you've been able to restrain yourself from doing any majorly damaging things while going through those emotions tells me you'll find your way to being a good dad. Have a great day and a wonderful Christmas!
3,213	daddit	ITT: A lot of people who have never had to deal with a particular mental hang up, but think they're qualified to make a concrete judgement on a person's character and that of their child's, rather than acknowledging this post for what it is - something to call attention to an issue many people deal with (PPD), to let those people know they're not alone and that it gets better. But fuck that. On a related note, who else thinks vets with PTSD are just enormous pussies? Should have known better before joining the armed forces, amirite?
3,214	daddit	Am I the only one who loves his baby even if he is crying all the time? Am I the only one who thinks that it's normal for him to cry, poop and be annoying? I just really don't understand how somebody could think about punching his kid in the face. If I ever had that feeling I will give him in adoption because I know I won't be a good father to him. I don't know. I think the same way you changed that hate to love, you may change it back in a few months or years and actually hit him or hurt him just because "you hate him". And now I will get thousands of downvotes because everybody here thinks it is normal to want to punch your baby if later on you think you love him.
3,215	daddit	Damn, I'm sorry you went thru that. I'm glad you figured things out. I was just the opposite. I was afraid I was going to have some sort of sociopathic distance but when my daughter was finally born I couldn't sleep unless she was in reach. Now my shame is that she does stupid risky shit just like daddy?
3,216	daddit	That's the beauty of it, they will never remember the first ~2 years of their life. As long as you're head is on straight by then you're golden. All the best to you, your son, and your wide.
3,217	daddit	I was getting ready to highly recommend counseling and consulting your doctor about medication. But by the end I realized I felt almost the exact same thing when my son was born, just not to the same extent. I feel so much more confident and happier these days. I'm finally getting the hang of fatherhood, and I'm with you. I'd put my life on the line to protect this little thing.
3,218	daddit	The first year with my son was probably the best and worst year of my life. My wife had post partum, and I have a history of depression which really flared up that year. I went to a counselor, which helped, but ultimately I think it was just time getting used to and accepting that my life was radically changed. Anyways, you're not alone in feeling that way, so try not to beat yourself up too much.
3,219	daddit	That was a fascinating read. Thanks for sharing.
3,220	daddit	[deleted]
3,221	daddit	[removed]
3,222	daddit	Jesus, this was a roller coaster to read. I'm glad you're in a much healthier place relative to your kid. I can't say I relate, I had nightmares where my children were hurt. I get overly emotional when I hear or see ANYTHING involving hurt or killed children (in fact, I always get down voted for daring to comment on Reddit posts, usually images, featuring hurt or dead children in a "funny" manner, which are among the things I hate most). But all that said, it's good for me to see this perspective, in order to have a better appreciation for what other new dads may go through. Thank you for sharing, despite throwing me for a loop, at first.
3,223	daddit	Man that's some solid self reflection. I'd love to hear back in a year from you in how your outlook has or hasn't changed.
3,224	daddit	I thought this was satire, the entire time I was reading I was waiting for some twist into some overused meme. Now that I'm fairly certain this isn't a joke, wtf. You need help. If I felt like that for 10 seconds after any of my kids were born I'd immediately know something was wrong with me and seek help. The fact that you rode it out isn't admirable, it's terrifying. Really twisted shit to read on Christmas Eve, really disappointed to hear of father's like this, feel awful that your child had to live in a house being hated by unstable parents.
3,225	daddit	>One night I decided I needed a bag. I'm not a regular smoker. I have been in my past. But I grew up a long time ago. Anyway, got a bag. I didn't start smoking until I was "grown up" and it honestly makes me a more relaxed, more loving, more patient dad. As long as you're not neglecting your kids or chores to do it there's really nothing wrong. Unless we're talking about crack or something. Then that's bad.
3,226	daddit	What is important to remember is negative feelings is VERY common during the sleep deprivation stage. I mean, in many countries, sleep deprivation is a deliberate act of torture.
3,227	daddit	Hey man - we all go through it to varying degrees, but Im not here to give you advice. Just want you to know we love you man! Keep that head and keep battling and know this thread is always here. for ya!
3,228	daddit	My son is now just over a month old. Had similar struggles… Not in so far as me having negative feelings towards him, but there are definitely new life stresses between my wife and I myself. Sleep deprivation, loss of libido, lots of alone time, intimacy, a general sense of togetherness. I feel sorry that you struggled trying to understand how you were feeling. I guess it can be a confusing time.
3,229	daddit	This topic needs to be discussed openly much more often because it is so common but it's extremely taboo. My son is 6 months old and for the first three months all I wanted was my wife back to normal and our life back the way it was. Now I wouldn't trade my son for the world.
3,230	daddit	All of what you described it pretty much par for the course. There were definitely times, when my wife would expound about how much she loved our first, early on that I was sure she was lying. I did not think it was possible to feel that way about this thing that just up-ended my life and would not let me sleep. That was several years ago now and I cannot fathom a day without my kids. I cannot even think of words to encompass the endless amount of love i have for them.
3,231	daddit	similar to your story i started out not liking you but i changed by the end! i remember how hard it was in the beginning but i promise it gets way better and a hell of a lot of fun.
3,232	daddit	Glad to hear it. I didn't have any feelings for my kids when they were younger either. Now that they are 2 and 4 ... yeah, Daddy bear love and protection all kicked in too. Want a pro-tip? (Of course not, but ... ) Go buy the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. When he gets around 6-9 months that book will get you your life back. Once we got our kids on that schedule, they would go to bed around 6pm and wake up at 8am. Every ... single ... day. It was great for my wife's PPD and my sleep & sanity!
3,233	daddit	After my son was born, it took me 10 days to rustle up the nerve to face the music. I was so preoccupied with learning what to do to take care of him, I never really stopped to let it sink in that I was a father. A life depended on me. I finally felt well enough to take a few pulls off the bong 10 days in. I came in afterward, put my boy in his buzzy chair on the table in front on me, and started at him for ~45m. I was scared. I cried. I was angry at one point, overjoyed another. I went through a full spectrum of emotion regarding fatherhood, and came out the other side with a new sense of wonder, happiness and contentment. It's weird. I spent days trying to embrace the reality of my situation, and it was only after finally removing myself from "firm" reality for a bit that I finally let it all sink in, and felt 100x better for it. Welcome to the club OP. It's the best/hardest thing you'll ever do.
3,234	daddit	Shit man, this must've been difficult for you to write. Kudos to you, and especially for realizing you don't hate him but rather how he makes you feel. I feel a lot of men with similar feelings never go beyond that first stage: introspection is not a skill a lot of people have developed. I went through a similar phase, except it was less "I'ma punch that baby thing in the face" and more "Okay... is that it?" I (naively) expected to be overwhelmed with joy and happiness and glee and mirth and... Instead all I thought I got was white nights (I used to wake up at the slightest sound, so a baby crying...), serial diaper changing, no sex or intimacy and to top it off, the kid would reject me, crying almost any time I tried picking him up: mom or a grandma or a grandpa would be fine, but daddy? GTFO. Is that what being a dad is? I should've read the brochure more carefully. I felt terrible for feeling this way but, like you, I realized I was simply overwhelmed and that I simply was not ready for this. I learned along the way (as we all do!), tried not repeating the mistakes of my own dad and now I'd gladly throw myself in front of train for one my kids and they mean the world to me. I see a bit of myself (the good and especially the bad) in them and that's simply wonderful. I realize, too, what I've lost along the way: a lot of my spare time, a lot of money, my couple... but every time one of these little buggers runs up to me, throws their arms around my leg and say "I love you daddy", it more than makes up for it. So here's to your little man: may he live a hundred years, and may you never have to fight a grizzly bear for him!
3,235	daddit	I never went through a hate phase, but I did have to grieve the loss of my DINC (dual income no children) status. As I sit here with my 8 year old son and 4 year old daughter watching Frozen for the 3,472nd time (not really) I think you just need to........ Let it go! Ok Seriously now, I do remember, mostly with my daughter, that being a Dad meant I was mostly useless for the first few months. With my son I would try to put him to sleep, I would try to feed him breast milk in a bottle, I would change his night time diapers, but in the end my wife would still be awake and neither of us would sleep. So with my daughter, we went full on gender role and I took care of our then 4 year old son and she took our daughter. Now that we're a few years down the road, my role is a bit more apparent. My wife works full time, I work part-time and run the house (dare I say better than she did? Yes. I dare say.) and while the infant part is frustrating, I'm glad you worked through your own issue, using whatever means necessary, and you end up a better person, father, and husband for it. It's your family, you fix it the way you can and don't worry about the haters (especially those mothers-in-law, they can eat it, they had their chance). The important part is that you DO fix it. Keep it up Dad!
3,236	daddit	Glad you figured that one out and turned the corner!
3,237	daddit	We just had a baby a month ago. I don't hate him but when he's crying like crazy in my face as I'm doing everything in my power to make him happy, it makes me so mad at him. It is a frustration at my inability to solve the issue so I see where you're coming from. I called him a little asshole once in the middle of the night and my wife gave an unapproving look.
3,238	daddit	Haha protip dont call your wife wide.
3,239	daddit	Mom here, same feelings though. The advice that turned everything around for me was that there's a hate to love ratio. At first you may be 99% hate, 1% love, but that it switches over time. My sister would come over and ask me what my ratio was today. It was the forgiveness I needed, knowing it was normal to feel this way.
3,240	daddit	I had to research similar stuff when I was going through something with our newborn. I appreciate your honesty. For me it has to do with bonding. Over a year later and I'm well past bonding and onto rearing a super fun child. It also has to do with fear. I take solace in watching my wife's unconditional love and patience. It got me past the fear. I do however stay away from weed. It can make things too clear for me and then I'd have more fear. Somethings you have to just ride out....one foot in front of the other...everything will work out.
3,241	daddit	Nice story, glad OP figured it out. Our society doesn't really get the idea that it's hard to love sometimes. You are supposed to automatically love and do everything for your kids and it's often not that simple. And we demonize people who don't say the right things "I love my kids more than myself" or some version of that sentiment. We don't allow ourselves a single moment of negative thoughts or emotions. It's good that OP kept looking inside to figure out his negative thoughts and emotions rather than pushing them away. Really, that's the danger, that the person just focuses on work or hobbies or leaves rather than taking the time and effort to understand them.
3,242	daddit	I don't want kids, this just cemented it.
3,243	daddit	At least you were honest with yourself and your situation, and you had the insight to realize where your feelings were coming from. Babies are tough and relentless. They slowly wear you down over the first few weeks and eventually break you. It gets easier though and although it generally takes longer for the dad to make his connection than the mum, when you eventually do make that connection, it's golden and it truly fills your heart up. I've got 2 kids under 2 now, and I can't imagine life without them. I'm done though. On the eve of my second child's first year birthday I'm going in to get the snip. My wife and I are in agreement - kids are great but babies are hard and we just couldn't put ourselves through all that again.
3,244	daddit	the fact that you stuck with it until you had the epiphany just proves that you really do love him and are willing to make (what seem like) big sacrifices for him. kudos to you.
3,245	daddit	This needs to go viral. Some of the realest dadtalk ever.
3,246	daddit	Nail on the head, man. We just had our second, but our first spent her first 3 months in the NICU, so this is our first real experience with a newborn. Apparently they really suck. It feels like he cries nonstop, and a lot of the time there's nothing I can do -- nothing either of us can do. I pick him up; he keeps crying. He just ate, so he's not hungry. I change his diaper (if it was dirty in the first place); he keeps crying. Rocking him does next to nothing. So I stick a pacifier in his mouth and feel like a bad father.
3,247	daddit	Fuck anyone giving you shit. You never acted on your pain and fought through it. No one can even come close to understanding what you want and have been through unless they are there. My favorite is everyone calling you names and saying you're bad though because if you were a mother they'd say it's natural, but because your ass father, fuck you. We aren't all wired the same. We aren't all perfect like others in here. We fight to stay sane and work hard at being human and that's okay. The key is finding the lock we can understand.
3,248	daddit	As a dad of two boys, this is the first time reading about new dad hate. I can't judge as I don't understand it and it's obviously a thing. I'm glad things are getting better for you. In the hospital.when my son's were just hours old I was latched. I walked them around the hospital, sung to them. My wife and I split everything going with them. Diapers. Feedings. Shopping. Waking up at night with them. Instructing them. They are 4 and 2 now and both are cuddled up with me on the couch. Remember, your son is part of you and only that little child could have been made by you and your wife. No other combination could create that little life. Never let him go. He's precious and out of all the people you know (your parents, your wife, your friends) your son is the only one on this planet that depends on your entirely. You are his whole world, Dad.
3,249	daddit	Glad it's all working out for you OP. It takes a lot of courage to pour your heart out and say all of this and I'm sure it probably helped to get it off your chest. I really admire you for letting it all out, finding a way to make it work, and ultimately for just being there for your kid. We all deal with Parenthood in different ways and I think it's important for us as dads and parents to remember that all kids are different and so are all parents, and how we feel and deal with everything, but no matter what you have support. I struggled for a while feeling like I was useless and that my wife was all my son ever wanted, but I found ways to help even if they were indirect and eventually I was needed and was able to help out directly. After all, when he grows up I'll be the one he shoots hoops and plays catch with ;).
3,250	daddit	Kids are a direct hit to how we see ourselves. On top of that, the first 3-6 months can be horrible. Taking care of this little sausage that just cries while being deprived of sleep is for me a nightmare. But then, the kid start walking. And it's worst you have to follow him around for him not to kill himself and it's like there is a leash, but you are on the other side. Seriously, it gets better when the kid starts talking. The day he tells you "dad", it's... it changes everything. Now my son is almost 5 and i love him so much, sometimes I'm utterly upset with him, but that doesn't change the love I have for him when I wake up in the morning and he's in my bed already, comfortably laying against me, this little thing, and I don't want to get up.
3,251	daddit	This was me for the first few months, just pure resentment, I couldn't do anything right and he wouldn't respond to anything and I felt like a failure. It wasn't until he started to emote and respond that I began to change and feel good, then I got severely depressed as around the one year mark his mom and him moved out and I felt like an even bigger failure. Around 2 and a half during potty training he had been doing fine and one day said he had to go. So I bring him inside and he says he doesn't have to go so I say " just try, if you actually do and make a mess I'm going to be upset as we're here now" and he said nope then peed himself right there as we went to leave. I lost my ever loving shit. For the first time instead of using a stern voice I yelled and I watched pure fear wash over his face as he shook and peed more. But I was too angry to register it. About a month later he woke up in the night to go pee and said "daddy I peed on the potty, so you wont be mad at me". I cried myself to sleep that night and have been fairly depressed as a dad since then. But I've realized it was a fear of failure I hated and not him. Little dude is 4 yrs old now and is the best thing I have going in my life and is why I stick with a job I hate. Sometimes some introspection is what you need to realize what you're actually angry about
3,252	daddit	I was fortunate. Before we had our daughter, I was afraid I might not love her. Once she was born, I loved her more than anything I could imagine. I did have extreme anger at times when she was crying and screaming in my face, but I was able to put her down and walk away. Sometimes I put headphones in and played video games while she cried. I can tell you that in 3 months when your kid starts smiling at you and, especially when he starts laughing, all that anger will go away and life gets easier.
3,253	daddit	Thanks for the insight man I'm going to be a new father in about 4-5 months and I really appreciate you story.
3,254	daddit	Here's 3 things I've learned since being a dad. 1. You must surrender to it completely, your old life is over, this is your new life. Accept it, surrender to it. 2. All anger at external sources is misplaced. You're not angry at your boss for making you work late, you're angry at yourself for not telling him to fuck off. You're not angry at your child for being a jerk, you're mad at yourself for not being the dad you thought you'd be. 3. Being a dad is a big fucking responsibility, you've got to keep everyone together - work hard to help your wife with her depression, that's your job. Good read though mate, I'm glad you got through it. Took me a mild nervous breakdown to achieve the same.
3,255	daddit	We all deal with our own problems when it comes to fatherhood, and I'm glad you've been able to work through such a dark place. Hopefully it can help some others that might be in a similar boat. That being said, I found this post to be extremely unsettling. The feelings you describe here are completely foreign to me, I have a hard time imagining how a new father could feel that way. I didn't plan on becoming a father, for years I was committed to never having children. But one day I sat staring at a positive pregnancy test, briefly wanting to jump off a bridge. The moment I held my daughter in my arms though, it felt like my real life was just beginning. Everything before suddenly felt so trivial, just unimportant in comparison. I've never been happier
3,256	daddit	I'm lucky I never felt like that, but I can appreciate and admire you for coming out like that. I'm sorry for the shit some people are throwing at you. Stay strong, it'll get better before you realise.
3,257	daddit	Duuuude...im glad I didn't stop reading
3,258	daddit	as a dad (he's 23 now) i want to say you. have. no. idea. what. you've done. my child is the 2nd biggest challenge of my life. i was not very reflective when he was born and it had to change. that you examined YOUR internal system and discovered the truth is astounding One small adjustment and everything began to turn. I am so pleased with you I would even be your friend (and I'm about 94% asocial) even more, you broke through what surely was going to become a toxic, relentless abuse of your baby. Now?, now you have beauty where there were only ashes. I suspect your wife has witnessed a miracle she can only wonder at. Beautifully done Dad. Beautifully done. GOOD. ON. YOU.
3,259	daddit	I absolutely get this. For the first two months, my kid did nothing but frustrate the hell out of me. I didn't wanna be around him, I hated having to watch him. The whole nine. I don't like being bad at things, and I was absolutely terrible at getting him to calm down or stop crying. There were definitely some moments where the only thing I could think of doing was shaking him, even after all the "don't shake your baby" videos. It was arguably one of the most trying times of my life. And it didn't help much that my work schedule didn't allow me much time to bond with him. But now I'm four months in, and I love him to death. I absolutely can relate to OP on this one.
3,260	daddit	Dude, I can't even blame you for hating the baby stage either. It fucking sucks. For everyone. Kids get SO much better.
3,261	daddit	Is this actually a thing? By OP's text sometimes new parents hate their babies. Any logical reason why?
3,262	daddit	[deleted] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0.6618 84125)
3,263	daddit	My wife had post partum depression. Get her in to see a doc and get some meds. Holy hell it makes a world of difference. Good luck. Self realization is a powerful thing. Good on you for soul searching and finding the root cause.
3,264	daddit	I'm fairly sure you just taught yourself a basic lesson in CBT (cognitive brain therapy). Our feelings are tied to our perceptions and perceptions(thoughts) can be evaluated for merit and changed. Along with a change in thinking comes a change in feeling and how we behave. It doesn't just work for loathing of others it works for most negative thinking. As men we are taught that anxiety is a weakness so we are trained early that the only allowable emotions for us to show are anger(hate) and happiness. We miss out on on the wide range of emotions we are able to feel, instead we tie them to other, more basic, expressions. I lived for years with constant anxiety that expressed itself as a flash temper and violent anger, now I'm one of the most zen people you can meet. If you got a lot of value out of your experience I'd suggest looking into CBT. It can be self taught and pairs well with a joint here and there as you deconstruct internal and backwards thoughts that cause you trouble.
3,265	daddit	Yeah, 3 months is rough. I have 2 and 5 year old. It get easier. I think a fair about the of us feel this way. It will pass if you let it. 9 months is another hard time. The really start into everything then, too. Good luck.
3,266	daddit	I appreciate the honesty in this post very much. I have some friends who've gone through similar feelings and if I can help them out I'd like to and maybe being able to bring something like this up would help. It's so important that men ( Im a woman) feel validated in what they are going through. You can want a kid and still have regret when it gets here and that's normal!!! I'm sorry you had to go through that but it's nice to know you made it to the other side, friend. I hope things keep getting better. Thank you so much for sharing this here and for your honesty. I hope I can use this post to help others going through the same thing.
3,267	daddit	Welcome to maturity. Well done.
3,268	daddit	At first I felt the same way. I was a new dad, and I liked her well enough, but I wasn't completely smitten. I was fortunate enough to spend 3 months home with her from 1 month to 4 months old. That helped me form a bond with my daughter, and she is a total daddy's girl now. The first few months Suck, and the baby just eats, sleeps and poops. But once you get to the giggling, laughing stage, and your baby starts to develop a personality, everything changes. She's now 10 months, and scooting everywhere, learning to crawl, and standing up. It gets so much better.
3,269	daddit	There will be more feelings of insecurity, for a long time. Moms, especially nursing moms, have a clear-cut genetic advantage as far as baby stuff. But stick with it, and before you know it, you'll start finding them: the face that makes him laugh every time, the way he likes to be bounced, his preferred swing height and speed, etc. There will be things that you and only you can do for your kid, and before you know it, you'll feel like the most amazing, important mother fucker in the whole universe.
3,270	daddit	This is one of those things that nobody ever told me about. But, now that I've gone through it, I can't think of how to explain it to soon-to-be dads. For the first several months I regretted having a child. My wife and I fought constantly, which nobody told me would happen, but is apparently common. And I just had no idea how to cope with my new life, or the fact that it wasn't something I could change. Then, one day, after a fight with my wife, son crying in the background, I decided to get out of the house and take my dog for a walk. This was maybe six months after my son was born. I walked around the neighborhood, stewing in my misery and anger. Then it started to rain. Not hard at first, just a mist. It actually kind of matched my mood, so I kept plodding along. After a few minutes, the deluge started. Rain was pouring down. The kind of rain a distraught lover has to put up with to confess their undying love for their princess in a cliché romantic comedy. That was my cue to book it home. So I started running. Rowdy was sprinting ahead of me. Fast. Too fast. He was pulling me along as fast as I could go until, inevitably, I slipped on a newly sealed blacktop driveway. Rowdy pulled me across the driveway and several feet into some random persons yard. When I sat up, drenched, covered in mud and blood, I started laughing hysterically. It was one of those moment where I knew it couldn't get worse. Sitting in a stranger's front yard in the pouring rain, covered in mud and blood, laughing hysterically, with my dog licking my face, I knew everything would be ok. Life is weird.
3,271	daddit	This was some turbo clickbait, but I'm glad I read the whole thing.
3,272	daddit	> the wide Don't let her hear you say that...
3,273	daddit	I think OP has pointed out a very important facet of what masculinity is capable of and I applaud his sharing and understanding.
3,274	daddit	Good man, well done for posting this.
3,275	daddit	I can't imagine a feeling of hate like that, I love my kid so much we have the same interest and love playing games, cars, toys it's so fun and happy to me
3,276	daddit	> He'd cry as babies are want to do. as babies are _wont_ to do.
3,277	daddit	No matter the resolve, you shouldnt have had children. You sound like a piece of shit. And certainly sadly that will pass to your son.
3,278	daddit	I've been there dad. I'm glad you arrived at the right place. Just because I'm that very special sort of prick I have to do the following. Forgive me. >He'd cry as babies are want to do. In this context the word is wont, not want. https://www.google.com/search?q=define+wont&oq=define+wont&aqs=chrome..69i57.4230j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
3,279	daddit	I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit: - [/r/bestofaltright] [being a father sucked and i hated my child so i started smoking weed and now it's all good](https://np.reddit.com/r/BestOfAltRight/comments/5k49n3/being_a_father_sucked_and_i_hated_my_child_so_i/) - [/r/milliondollarextreme] [being a father sucked and i hated my child so i started smoking weed and now it's all good](https://np.reddit.com/r/milliondollarextreme/comments/5k42ai/being_a_father_sucked_and_i_hated_my_child_so_i/) [](#footer)^(If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads.) ^\([Info](/r/TotesMessenger) ^/ ^[Contact](/message/compose?to=/r/TotesMessenger)) [](#bot)
3,280	daddit	without beating around the bush here. GROW THE FUCK UP YOU PRICK! you have a fucking responsibility now, a life that can't sustain itself without you or its mother, and mother needs looking after too. how could you ever reach a point where you look at your child and want to punch it in the head. you fucking monster. smoking weed in the house with baby there? are you fucking serious? seriously, get fucking real with the situation, you've had nine months to get your head around things and while I know it's not easy when they arrive (father of twin boys here) just imagine the poor fuckers living in a fucking war zone or third world country doing what you've got to do right now. it shouldn't have had to come to a weed induced epiphany for you to realise all that little baby wants is love. have a good Christmas, I'm sorry for the rant but if I knew you I would be grabbing your shoulders and screaming at you. peace and love.
3,281	daddit	I would recommend a vasectomy as soon as possible. It sounds like one kid is all you will be able to deal with. That baby is now the priority in your house and if the hate comes back it could be worse. If that happens get help because that child has zero to do with how you feel but he could bear the brunt of it.
3,282	daddit	The wide. Hahaha
3,283	daddit	I never had the hate, but I was profoundly indifferent to my first boy. For that first three months or so, he was just a noisy, pooping annoyance. Then one day he laughed his first laugh. It was like a fever breaking or something. My heart instantly thawed. Seriously, it was like a cartoon, I was instantly in love with him. Six years later, we had our second son. This time, I still felt that total insistence, but it didn't worry me as much. I knew that there would be a moment where it would all get better. Sure enough, same thing happened. Just gotta hang in there, give it time, I guess. I'm glad you found something that worked for you.
3,284	daddit	No one is an expert for their first child, it's a steep learning curve to be given this small human and tasked with keeping them alive. Example: I have a friend who is a pedriatician, she can do lots of baby stuff but didn't understand that my son was fussing because he was too hot. She checked his temperature he was cold based on her training... But my son hates being wrapped up. Anyway, it takes time to not resent this thing that takes up your entire life with no thanks.... Until they smile at you, look at you while they poo knowing you're the one to change their nappy or lift their arms for a hug when you come home from work. Keep it up, it gets better.
3,285	daddit	I've a crippling fear of becoming an incompetent father one day, thanks for your story. It will help a lot one day I'm sure.
3,286	daddit	[deleted] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0.1108 > [What is this?](https://pastebin.com/64GuVi2F/05809)
3,287	daddit	I tried to summarize my feelings, although I can never say I felt anything near as extreme as you. https://medium.com/@smartereveryday/the-unspoken-selfish-fear-of-fatherhood-d5fa607fe6ba#.xp56exk2b
3,288	daddit	Well done at dadding and also for your strength in admitting this. Similarly my wife had pnd, I had culture shock while also having a daughter who did NOT let me do a single thing without screaming and flailing. My wife is an experienced nursery nurse so compared to that I was a bumbling idiot - so overall I can completely relate to you and see your perspective. I also couldn't face coming home many evenings and just wanted to hop on a train in the opposite direction. Being a dad and husband when there's a lot of pressure, stress, and trial and error in those early months is HARD. It gets better, and I found it got easier to deal with after a year when baby moves more under their own steam and can communicate better. All my best and well done on sticking it out and finding your stride.
3,289	daddit	So you're obviously early on, friend, so listen - it gets better, then when teething and sleep regressiom begins your son is going to stop sleeping again. Right now I've just finished eight straight days of going to bed at 3:30am, waking up at 5am when baby wakes up, then waking up for the day at 8am. I have never been more exhausted. My wife let me sleep in today and now Christmas is going to pale in comparison. So, with that in mind, please do these things. -Talk to your wife, explain that PPD plus exhaustion was fucking with you and have a game plan for next time it happens. It could be as simple as "I'll stay up late, you wake up early" or as complex as a nap schedule for you both. Just do something. -I've been sleeping on the couch during the day while my daughter snoozes in her swing. Get a spare duvet or a nice blanket if you don't already. That way you won't have to leave your son alone. -I say this all the time about "dark thoughts" but please understand they are normal when not acted upon. Everyone thinks about driving into incoming traffic. Same thing. -Finally, even though you were at the end of your tether, try to avoid drugs or alcohol. I really - and I mean really - love a good drink, and working as a bartender makes it really fucking tempting after a bad day of baby and work, but if I drink when baby stresses me out that'd be very selfish towards my wife. If you get that miserable again I really strongly suggest finding someone to talk to. A psychiatrist will not judge you for feeling how you feel.
3,290	daddit	From the moment they're born, that baby comes out and you act excited. You hand out cigars. But, you don't feel anything, especially if you had a difficult childhood. You want to love them, but you...don't. And the fact that you're faking that feeling makes you wonder if your own father had the same problem. Then one day they get older and you see them do something and you feel that feeling that you were pretending to have. It feels like your heart is going to explode.
3,291	daddit	The guardéd must become guardians at some point. Children lay bare your competency level: they ~~need~~ require you to protect and nurture them; they have no back up plan or fall-back position -- you are it. And for the majority of humanity? instinct kicks one-or-both parents in the pants and frank self-analysis ensues. Kudos for persisting and realizing room for growth. Sounds like you've graduated, too -- you are an honorary non-millenial now. Welcome to adulthood: it's fun only sometimes; and the cookies are laced with existential terror.
3,292	daddit	> I was able to look to my expert - the wide - I'm not sure the woman who just had a baby wants to be called The Wide.
3,293	daddit	Didn't hate any of my kids but it took a while before I started loving them so to say. Bonding takes time.
3,294	daddit	babies in general are unpleasant and kinda suck imo
3,295	daddit	[hm.](https://www.reddit.com/r/milliondollarextreme/comments/5k42ai/being_a_father_sucked_and_i_hated_my_child_so_i/dbldbik/)
3,296	daddit	ITT: people who are grossly unaware of their own capacity for violence and general mental derangement, given the right set of stressors and/or the right biochemical cocktail. It's a little scary...
3,297	daddit	Thanks for the honest and insightful post. I'm sure tons of people will read this and feel reassured by it. For anyone reading my comment, the best part about all of this is, like OP says, at about three months it gets better, and then it just keeps getting better and better. Nothing is as ridiculously heart warming as watching your little person crawl, then stand, and then walk. My little chap has just turned a year old, and it's all getting so much fun. One month in, you'd never have guessed. Keep it up, dudes.
3,298	daddit	Be proud that you care, that's huge! You feel insecure because you want to be a good dad, it matters to you; and honestly, that's the only quality you need. My oldest turned 18 last week, my youngest is 7. Wanting to be good, caring about who they become, that alone makes you a quality father, all you need now is technique. Also, I never felt incredibly bonded to my infants, but 18-months to two years old becomes a game changer.
3,299	daddit	Dads can have post partum depression/anxiety/psychosis too. I am in no way qualified or knowledgeable enough to make a diagnosis, but it is worth talking about. Thank you for sharing, and I am happy it turned out well for you and your family.
3,300	daddit	Phew. That was a tough read. Keep trying man!

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I will always be the first person to recommend therapy. For you and your wife, and hell even together. If you've become self aware enough to recognize insecurities and egotism in your life, you are self aware enough to try therapy. If anything, it's just a neutral third party to bounce ideas off of. It's helped me and my wife and I always recommend it when trying to process heavy shit like this. I am very glad things have turned around for you, and it seems like you have a decent head on your shoulders. Even if you aren't feeling unwell anymore, you go to well-visits at the doctor right? I encourage you and your wife to look into it.

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Men can suffer from post partem depression as well. It needs to be more widely addressed. It seems like you went through it as well as your wife.

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>I was stuck just wondering how the fuck I went from wanting to have a kid to being willing to murder him in a world with no consequences. >He'll be 3 months in two days and I would fight a fucking grizzly bear for this adorable little bastard. How things change. Interesting how becoming aware of your beliefs (e.g. Im insecure) can change you from wanting to kill your loved one to die to save their life. Always remember when you're angry to ask yourself 'what am I REALLY thinking and feeling? Is it hating HIM or myself? Everyone could learn from this post, thank you for sharing!

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Listen I get that you worked through this one, but for the sake of the kid, please see a skilled counselor the moment it returns. And it will return. Kids know what is going on and if you're putting out an I hate you vibe, your kid will pick up on it and be affected for years/decades.

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Mom here. Sorry you're getting some shit over this. I was heartbroken when I began reading your post, and I started crying when I read about your epiphany. I'm so glad that things are starting to turn around for you guys. And I think the courage it took to share a story like that is an inspiring quality in a father. I'm sure you have many more that you don't even see yet. I struggled with severe postpartum anxiety after the birth of my first and some intense (but less severe) insecurities after the birth of my second. My kids are 2 (almost 3) and 8 months. Every week I have at least one moment when I feel like a total failure. There have been many weeks over the past few years when I felt like an utter failure every single day. Parenting is so fucking hard. And I think we're the hardest on ourselves when we care the most. I don't mean to minimize how you felt before. I suspect, however, that if you hadn't cared about your son at all, you would have been more apathetic about your insecurities. Obviously I could be totally wrong (I haven't been in your shoes), but I just want to throw that possibility out there in case you ever start to beat yourself up over how you felt those first couple of months. I wish you luck with everything. :)

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As an avid people-watcher, I have always loved airports. There's something about travel that pushes people to their limits, so you often to get to see them act in an almost instinctual way. It brings out the struggles and flaws that people are able to hide under better circumstances. I think parenthood is sort of like air travel that lasts for years. Under the load of raising a small human being, whatever difficulties we have in ourselves, in our relationships, there's no room and no energy left to push away or hide those things anymore. So we have to either deal with them, or we let them out in less healthy ways. Good on you for having the self-awareness and consideration to think through what's going on. It sounds like a super important realization. One piece of advice: don't be afraid to seek assistance in the future. While I consider myself a pretty self-aware guy, there are major breakthroughs that I was only able to come to terms with by the help of a therapist. Seeking out therapy changed the course of my life for the better, I don't think there's anyone in the world that couldn't benefit at some point. Great job working through the struggle. Hang in there!

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There was another post somewhere on Reddit not too long ago, and it asked parents when they *really* began feeling love for their child. The responses ranged from "the first moment I laid eyes on him/her" to "when they were finally old enough to begin taking care of themselves." I was relieved to see such brutally honest responses, as I had very mixed emotions as a first time parent. When I returned to work, our daughter's bedtime was almost exactly when I returned home for the evening, after being flooded with cute photos and videos of our daughter all day, I was always looking forward to spending time playing with her for a little while before bed. However a tired baby is a crying, screaming baby, and she usually reached this crying/screaming point just before I got home. I was rapidly convinced that my daughter hated me, and whatever bond I may have felt was greatly diminished by the resentment that was growing inside me. This went on for probably the first 3 or 4 months, before I really understood that the tension was more about my own insecurities. Best of luck to you. It really does get better. Seeing their eyes light up when you come home, playing games with them, so many "firsts." It will all be worth it.

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I hated you for 90% of your story. Won't lie. I know that's a dick comment and doesn't help, but it's true. I loved my son the second he came out. I know I'm part of a select few. So I can't empathize or sympathize. I know that too. However... reading your self analysis and your turn around made me go from hating you to thinking you may end up being one of the best dad's there can be. What you did is very tough to do on so many levels. You did it. Never stop trying to improve and realizing your short comings. If you need anything or just to vent, message me. I have a 19 month old and a girl due in April. I'm no expert, but willing to help.

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Thank you for posting that. As someone who is about to have a child in the next few days, this was incredibly helpful to read.

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Congrats on the realization. This is definitely the toughest thing about being a parent cause it's not a game you win. Believe me, when the child is running around with you outside you will be happier than ever.

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I've got 5 kids, and I've probably cycled through every emotion known to man with them. One thing I've discovered over the years is that love isn't just a feeling, love is a choice. You can choose to love your kids even when you don't like their behavior. Those closest to us always bring out the strongest emotions, sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes not. The incompetent thing, that only goes away with time, but even today with 5 kids with my oldest getting ready to graduate I still feel it occasionally when something new comes up. One thing I highly recommend is to do some reading. Screamfree marriage and Screamfree parenting in particular are excellent books that will save you a lot of gray hairs. Links to those and others I recommend at http://www.personalgrowthchannel.com/2015/05/power-up-books-for-personal-development.html Best of luck in your parenting journey. The fact that you've been able to restrain yourself from doing any majorly damaging things while going through those emotions tells me you'll find your way to being a good dad. Have a great day and a wonderful Christmas!

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ITT: A lot of people who have never had to deal with a particular mental hang up, but think they're qualified to make a concrete judgement on a person's character and that of their child's, rather than acknowledging this post for what it is - something to call attention to an issue many people deal with (PPD), to let those people know they're not alone and that it gets better. But fuck that. On a related note, who else thinks vets with PTSD are just enormous pussies? Should have known better before joining the armed forces, amirite?

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Am I the only one who loves his baby even if he is crying all the time? Am I the only one who thinks that it's normal for him to cry, poop and be annoying? I just really don't understand how somebody could think about punching his kid in the face. If I ever had that feeling I will give him in adoption because I know I won't be a good father to him. I don't know. I think the same way you changed that hate to love, you may change it back in a few months or years and actually hit him or hurt him just because "you hate him". And now I will get thousands of downvotes because everybody here thinks it is normal to want to punch your baby if later on you think you love him.

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Damn, I'm sorry you went thru that. I'm glad you figured things out. I was just the opposite. I was afraid I was going to have some sort of sociopathic distance but when my daughter was finally born I couldn't sleep unless she was in reach. Now my shame is that she does stupid risky shit just like daddy?

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That's the beauty of it, they will never remember the first ~2 years of their life. As long as you're head is on straight by then you're golden. All the best to you, your son, and your wide.

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I was getting ready to highly recommend counseling and consulting your doctor about medication. But by the end I realized I felt almost the exact same thing when my son was born, just not to the same extent. I feel so much more confident and happier these days. I'm finally getting the hang of fatherhood, and I'm with you. I'd put my life on the line to protect this little thing.

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The first year with my son was probably the best and worst year of my life. My wife had post partum, and I have a history of depression which really flared up that year. I went to a counselor, which helped, but ultimately I think it was just time getting used to and accepting that my life was radically changed. Anyways, you're not alone in feeling that way, so try not to beat yourself up too much.

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That was a fascinating read. Thanks for sharing.

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Jesus, this was a roller coaster to read. I'm glad you're in a much healthier place relative to your kid. I can't say I relate, I had nightmares where my children were hurt. I get overly emotional when I hear or see ANYTHING involving hurt or killed children (in fact, I always get down voted for daring to comment on Reddit posts, usually images, featuring hurt or dead children in a "funny" manner, which are among the things I hate most). But all that said, it's good for me to see this perspective, in order to have a better appreciation for what other new dads may go through. Thank you for sharing, despite throwing me for a loop, at first.

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Man that's some solid self reflection. I'd love to hear back in a year from you in how your outlook has or hasn't changed.

3,224

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I thought this was satire, the entire time I was reading I was waiting for some twist into some overused meme. Now that I'm fairly certain this isn't a joke, wtf. You need help. If I felt like that for 10 seconds after any of my kids were born I'd immediately know something was wrong with me and seek help. The fact that you rode it out isn't admirable, it's terrifying. Really twisted shit to read on Christmas Eve, really disappointed to hear of father's like this, feel awful that your child had to live in a house being hated by unstable parents.

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>One night I decided I needed a bag. I'm not a regular smoker. I have been in my past. But I grew up a long time ago. Anyway, got a bag. I didn't start smoking until I was "grown up" and it honestly makes me a more relaxed, more loving, more patient dad. As long as you're not neglecting your kids or chores to do it there's really nothing wrong. Unless we're talking about crack or something. Then that's bad.

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What is important to remember is negative feelings is VERY common during the sleep deprivation stage. I mean, in many countries, sleep deprivation is a deliberate act of torture.

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Hey man - we all go through it to varying degrees, but Im not here to give you advice. Just want you to know we love you man! Keep that head and keep battling and know this thread is always here. for ya!

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My son is now just over a month old. Had similar struggles… Not in so far as me having negative feelings towards him, but there are definitely new life stresses between my wife and I myself. Sleep deprivation, loss of libido, lots of alone time, intimacy, a general sense of togetherness. I feel sorry that you struggled trying to understand how you were feeling. I guess it can be a confusing time.

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This topic needs to be discussed openly much more often because it is so common but it's extremely taboo. My son is 6 months old and for the first three months all I wanted was my wife back to normal and our life back the way it was. Now I wouldn't trade my son for the world.

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All of what you described it pretty much par for the course. There were definitely times, when my wife would expound about how much she loved our first, early on that I was sure she was lying. I did not think it was possible to feel that way about this thing that just up-ended my life and would not let me sleep. That was several years ago now and I cannot fathom a day without my kids. I cannot even think of words to encompass the endless amount of love i have for them.

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similar to your story i started out not liking you but i changed by the end! i remember how hard it was in the beginning but i promise it gets way better and a hell of a lot of fun.

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Glad to hear it. I didn't have any feelings for my kids when they were younger either. Now that they are 2 and 4 ... yeah, Daddy bear love and protection all kicked in too. Want a pro-tip? (Of course not, but ... ) Go buy the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. When he gets around 6-9 months that book will get you your life back. Once we got our kids on that schedule, they would go to bed around 6pm and wake up at 8am. Every ... single ... day. It was great for my wife's PPD and my sleep & sanity!

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After my son was born, it took me 10 days to rustle up the nerve to face the music. I was so preoccupied with learning what to do to take care of him, I never really stopped to let it sink in that I was a father. A life depended on me. I finally felt well enough to take a few pulls off the bong 10 days in. I came in afterward, put my boy in his buzzy chair on the table in front on me, and started at him for ~45m. I was scared. I cried. I was angry at one point, overjoyed another. I went through a full spectrum of emotion regarding fatherhood, and came out the other side with a new sense of wonder, happiness and contentment. It's weird. I spent days trying to embrace the reality of my situation, and it was only after finally removing myself from "firm" reality for a bit that I finally let it all sink in, and felt 100x better for it. Welcome to the club OP. It's the best/hardest thing you'll ever do.

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Shit man, this must've been difficult for you to write. Kudos to you, and especially for realizing you don't hate him but rather how he makes you feel. I feel a lot of men with similar feelings never go beyond that first stage: introspection is not a skill a lot of people have developed. I went through a similar phase, except it was less "I'ma punch that baby thing in the face" and more "Okay... is that it?" I (naively) expected to be overwhelmed with joy and happiness and glee and mirth and... Instead all I thought I got was white nights (I used to wake up at the slightest sound, so a baby crying...), serial diaper changing, no sex or intimacy and to top it off, the kid would reject me, crying almost any time I tried picking him up: mom or a grandma or a grandpa would be fine, but daddy? GTFO. Is that what being a dad is? I should've read the brochure more carefully. I felt terrible for feeling this way but, like you, I realized I was simply overwhelmed and that I simply was not ready for this. I learned along the way (as we all do!), tried not repeating the mistakes of my own dad and now I'd gladly throw myself in front of train for one my kids and they mean the world to me. I see a bit of myself (the good and especially the bad) in them and that's simply wonderful. I realize, too, what I've lost along the way: a lot of my spare time, a lot of money, my couple... but every time one of these little buggers runs up to me, throws their arms around my leg and say "I love you daddy", it more than makes up for it. So here's to your little man: may he live a hundred years, and may you never have to fight a grizzly bear for him!

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I never went through a hate phase, but I did have to grieve the loss of my DINC (dual income no children) status. As I sit here with my 8 year old son and 4 year old daughter watching Frozen for the 3,472nd time (not really) I think you just need to........ Let it go! Ok Seriously now, I do remember, mostly with my daughter, that being a Dad meant I was mostly useless for the first few months. With my son I would try to put him to sleep, I would try to feed him breast milk in a bottle, I would change his night time diapers, but in the end my wife would still be awake and neither of us would sleep. So with my daughter, we went full on gender role and I took care of our then 4 year old son and she took our daughter. Now that we're a few years down the road, my role is a bit more apparent. My wife works full time, I work part-time and run the house (dare I say better than she did? Yes. I dare say.) and while the infant part is frustrating, I'm glad you worked through your own issue, using whatever means necessary, and you end up a better person, father, and husband for it. It's your family, you fix it the way you can and don't worry about the haters (especially those mothers-in-law, they can eat it, they had their chance). The important part is that you DO fix it. Keep it up Dad!

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Glad you figured that one out and turned the corner!

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We just had a baby a month ago. I don't hate him but when he's crying like crazy in my face as I'm doing everything in my power to make him happy, it makes me so mad at him. It is a frustration at my inability to solve the issue so I see where you're coming from. I called him a little asshole once in the middle of the night and my wife gave an unapproving look.

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Haha protip dont call your wife wide.

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Mom here, same feelings though. The advice that turned everything around for me was that there's a hate to love ratio. At first you may be 99% hate, 1% love, but that it switches over time. My sister would come over and ask me what my ratio was today. It was the forgiveness I needed, knowing it was normal to feel this way.

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I had to research similar stuff when I was going through something with our newborn. I appreciate your honesty. For me it has to do with bonding. Over a year later and I'm well past bonding and onto rearing a super fun child. It also has to do with fear. I take solace in watching my wife's unconditional love and patience. It got me past the fear. I do however stay away from weed. It can make things too clear for me and then I'd have more fear. Somethings you have to just ride out....one foot in front of the other...everything will work out.

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Nice story, glad OP figured it out. Our society doesn't really get the idea that it's hard to love sometimes. You are supposed to automatically love and do everything for your kids and it's often not that simple. And we demonize people who don't say the right things "I love my kids more than myself" or some version of that sentiment. We don't allow ourselves a single moment of negative thoughts or emotions. It's good that OP kept looking inside to figure out his negative thoughts and emotions rather than pushing them away. Really, that's the danger, that the person just focuses on work or hobbies or leaves rather than taking the time and effort to understand them.

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I don't want kids, this just cemented it.

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At least you were honest with yourself and your situation, and you had the insight to realize where your feelings were coming from. Babies are tough and relentless. They slowly wear you down over the first few weeks and eventually break you. It gets easier though and although it generally takes longer for the dad to make his connection than the mum, when you eventually do make that connection, it's golden and it truly fills your heart up. I've got 2 kids under 2 now, and I can't imagine life without them. I'm done though. On the eve of my second child's first year birthday I'm going in to get the snip. My wife and I are in agreement - kids are great but babies are hard and we just couldn't put ourselves through all that again.

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the fact that you stuck with it until you had the epiphany just proves that you really do love him and are willing to make (what seem like) big sacrifices for him. kudos to you.

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This needs to go viral. Some of the realest dadtalk ever.

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Nail on the head, man. We just had our second, but our first spent her first 3 months in the NICU, so this is our first real experience with a newborn. Apparently they really *suck*. It feels like he cries nonstop, and a lot of the time there's nothing I can do -- nothing either of us can do. I pick him up; he keeps crying. He just ate, so he's not hungry. I change his diaper (if it was dirty in the first place); he keeps crying. Rocking him does next to nothing. So I stick a pacifier in his mouth and feel like a bad father.

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Fuck anyone giving you shit. You never acted on your pain and fought through it. No one can even come close to understanding what you want and have been through unless they are there. My favorite is everyone calling you names and saying you're bad though because if you were a mother they'd say it's natural, but because your ass father, fuck you. We aren't all wired the same. We aren't all perfect like others in here. We fight to stay sane and work hard at being human and that's okay. The key is finding the lock we can understand.

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As a dad of two boys, this is the first time reading about new dad hate. I can't judge as I don't understand it and it's obviously a thing. I'm glad things are getting better for you. In the hospital.when my son's were just hours old I was latched. I walked them around the hospital, sung to them. My wife and I split everything going with them. Diapers. Feedings. Shopping. Waking up at night with them. Instructing them. They are 4 and 2 now and both are cuddled up with me on the couch. Remember, your son is part of you and only that little child could have been made by you and your wife. No other combination could create that little life. Never let him go. He's precious and out of all the people you know (your parents, your wife, your friends) your son is the only one on this planet that depends on your entirely. You are his whole world, Dad.

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Glad it's all working out for you OP. It takes a lot of courage to pour your heart out and say all of this and I'm sure it probably helped to get it off your chest. I really admire you for letting it all out, finding a way to make it work, and ultimately for just being there for your kid. We all deal with Parenthood in different ways and I think it's important for us as dads and parents to remember that all kids are different and so are all parents, and how we feel and deal with everything, but no matter what you have support. I struggled for a while feeling like I was useless and that my wife was all my son ever wanted, but I found ways to help even if they were indirect and eventually I was needed and was able to help out directly. After all, when he grows up I'll be the one he shoots hoops and plays catch with ;).

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Kids are a direct hit to how we see ourselves. On top of that, the first 3-6 months can be horrible. Taking care of this little sausage that just cries while being deprived of sleep is for me a nightmare. But then, the kid start walking. And it's worst you have to follow him around for him not to kill himself and it's like there is a leash, but you are on the other side. Seriously, it gets better when the kid starts talking. The day he tells you "dad", it's... it changes everything. Now my son is almost 5 and i love him so much, sometimes I'm utterly upset with him, but that doesn't change the love I have for him when I wake up in the morning and he's in my bed already, comfortably laying against me, this little thing, and I don't want to get up.

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This was me for the first few months, just pure resentment, I couldn't do anything right and he wouldn't respond to anything and I felt like a failure. It wasn't until he started to emote and respond that I began to change and feel good, then I got severely depressed as around the one year mark his mom and him moved out and I felt like an even bigger failure. Around 2 and a half during potty training he had been doing fine and one day said he had to go. So I bring him inside and he says he doesn't have to go so I say " just try, if you actually do and make a mess I'm going to be upset as we're here now" and he said nope then peed himself right there as we went to leave. I lost my ever loving shit. For the first time instead of using a stern voice I yelled and I watched pure fear wash over his face as he shook and peed more. But I was too angry to register it. About a month later he woke up in the night to go pee and said "daddy I peed on the potty, so you wont be mad at me". I cried myself to sleep that night and have been fairly depressed as a dad since then. But I've realized it was a fear of failure I hated and not him. Little dude is 4 yrs old now and is the best thing I have going in my life and is why I stick with a job I hate. Sometimes some introspection is what you need to realize what you're actually angry about

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I was fortunate. Before we had our daughter, I was afraid I might not love her. Once she was born, I loved her more than anything I could imagine. I did have extreme anger at times when she was crying and screaming in my face, but I was able to put her down and walk away. Sometimes I put headphones in and played video games while she cried. I can tell you that in 3 months when your kid starts smiling at you and, especially when he starts laughing, all that anger will go away and life gets easier.

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Thanks for the insight man I'm going to be a new father in about 4-5 months and I really appreciate you story.

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Here's 3 things I've learned since being a dad. 1. You must surrender to it completely, your old life is over, this is your new life. Accept it, surrender to it. 2. All anger at external sources is misplaced. You're not angry at your boss for making you work late, you're angry at yourself for not telling him to fuck off. You're not angry at your child for being a jerk, you're mad at yourself for not being the dad you thought you'd be. 3. Being a dad is a big fucking responsibility, you've got to keep everyone together - work hard to help your wife with her depression, that's your job. Good read though mate, I'm glad you got through it. Took me a mild nervous breakdown to achieve the same.

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We all deal with our own problems when it comes to fatherhood, and I'm glad you've been able to work through such a dark place. Hopefully it can help some others that might be in a similar boat. That being said, I found this post to be extremely unsettling. The feelings you describe here are completely foreign to me, I have a hard time imagining how a new father could feel that way. I didn't plan on becoming a father, for years I was committed to never having children. But one day I sat staring at a positive pregnancy test, briefly wanting to jump off a bridge. The moment I held my daughter in my arms though, it felt like my real life was just beginning. Everything before suddenly felt so trivial, just unimportant in comparison. I've never been happier

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I'm lucky I never felt like that, but I can appreciate and admire you for coming out like that. I'm sorry for the shit some people are throwing at you. Stay strong, it'll get better before you realise.

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Duuuude...im glad I didn't stop reading

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as a dad (he's 23 now) i want to say you. have. no. idea. what. you've done. my child is the 2nd biggest challenge of my life. i was not very reflective when he was born and it had to change. that you examined YOUR internal system and discovered the truth is *astounding* One small adjustment and *everything* began to turn. I am so pleased with you I would even be your friend (and I'm about 94% asocial) even more, you broke through what surely was going to become a toxic, relentless abuse of your baby. Now?, now you have beauty where there were only ashes. I suspect your wife has witnessed a miracle she can only wonder at. Beautifully done Dad. Beautifully done. GOOD. ON. YOU.

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I absolutely get this. For the first two months, my kid did nothing but frustrate the hell out of me. I didn't wanna be around him, I hated having to watch him. The whole nine. I don't like being bad at things, and I was absolutely terrible at getting him to calm down or stop crying. There were definitely some moments where the only thing I could think of doing was shaking him, even after all the "don't shake your baby" videos. It was arguably one of the most trying times of my life. And it didn't help much that my work schedule didn't allow me much time to bond with him. But now I'm four months in, and I love him to death. I absolutely can relate to OP on this one.

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Dude, I can't even blame you for hating the baby stage either. It fucking sucks. For everyone. Kids get SO much better.

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Is this actually a *thing*? By OP's text sometimes new parents hate their babies. Any logical reason why?

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[deleted] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0.6618 84125)

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My wife had post partum depression. Get her in to see a doc and get some meds. Holy hell it makes a world of difference. Good luck. Self realization is a powerful thing. Good on you for soul searching and finding the root cause.

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I'm fairly sure you just taught yourself a basic lesson in CBT (cognitive brain therapy). Our feelings are tied to our perceptions and perceptions(thoughts) can be evaluated for merit and changed. Along with a change in thinking comes a change in feeling and how we behave. It doesn't just work for loathing of others it works for most negative thinking. As men we are taught that anxiety is a weakness so we are trained early that the only allowable emotions for us to show are anger(hate) and happiness. We miss out on on the wide range of emotions we are able to feel, instead we tie them to other, more basic, expressions. I lived for years with constant anxiety that expressed itself as a flash temper and violent anger, now I'm one of the most zen people you can meet. If you got a lot of value out of your experience I'd suggest looking into CBT. It can be self taught and pairs well with a joint here and there as you deconstruct internal and backwards thoughts that cause you trouble.

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Yeah, 3 months is rough. I have 2 and 5 year old. It get easier. I think a fair about the of us feel this way. It will pass if you let it. 9 months is another hard time. The really start into everything then, too. Good luck.

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I appreciate the honesty in this post very much. I have some friends who've gone through similar feelings and if I can help them out I'd like to and maybe being able to bring something like this up would help. It's so important that men ( Im a woman) feel validated in what they are going through. You can want a kid and still have regret when it gets here and that's normal!!! I'm sorry you had to go through that but it's nice to know you made it to the other side, friend. I hope things keep getting better. Thank you so much for sharing this here and for your honesty. I hope I can use this post to help others going through the same thing.

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Welcome to maturity. Well done.

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At first I felt the same way. I was a new dad, and I liked her well enough, but I wasn't completely smitten. I was fortunate enough to spend 3 months home with her from 1 month to 4 months old. That helped me form a bond with my daughter, and she is a total daddy's girl now. The first few months Suck, and the baby just eats, sleeps and poops. But once you get to the giggling, laughing stage, and your baby starts to develop a personality, everything changes. She's now 10 months, and scooting everywhere, learning to crawl, and standing up. It gets so much better.

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There will be more feelings of insecurity, for a long time. Moms, especially nursing moms, have a clear-cut genetic advantage as far as baby stuff. But stick with it, and before you know it, you'll start finding them: the face that makes him laugh every time, the way he likes to be bounced, his preferred swing height and speed, etc. There will be things that you and only you can do for your kid, and before you know it, you'll feel like the most amazing, important mother fucker in the whole universe.

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This is one of those things that nobody ever told me about. But, now that I've gone through it, I can't think of how to explain it to soon-to-be dads. For the first several months I regretted having a child. My wife and I fought *constantly*, which nobody told me would happen, but is apparently common. And I just had no idea how to cope with my new life, or the fact that it wasn't something I could change. Then, one day, after a fight with my wife, son crying in the background, I decided to get out of the house and take my dog for a walk. This was maybe six months after my son was born. I walked around the neighborhood, stewing in my misery and anger. Then it started to rain. Not hard at first, just a mist. It actually kind of matched my mood, so I kept plodding along. After a few minutes, the deluge started. Rain was *pouring* down. The kind of rain a distraught lover has to put up with to confess their undying love for their princess in a cliché romantic comedy. That was my cue to book it home. So I started running. Rowdy was sprinting ahead of me. Fast. Too fast. He was pulling me along as fast as I could go until, inevitably, I slipped on a newly sealed blacktop driveway. Rowdy pulled me across the driveway and several feet into some random persons yard. When I sat up, drenched, covered in mud and blood, I started laughing hysterically. It was one of those moment where I knew it couldn't get worse. Sitting in a stranger's front yard in the pouring rain, covered in mud and blood, laughing hysterically, with my dog licking my face, I knew everything would be ok. Life is weird.

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daddit

This was some turbo clickbait, but I'm glad I read the whole thing.

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> the wide Don't let her hear you say that...

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I think OP has pointed out a very important facet of what masculinity is capable of and I applaud his sharing and understanding.

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Good man, well done for posting this.

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I can't imagine a feeling of hate like that, I love my kid so much we have the same interest and love playing games, cars, toys it's so fun and happy to me

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> He'd cry as babies are **want** to do. as babies are _wont_ to do.

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No matter the resolve, you shouldnt have had children. You sound like a piece of shit. And certainly sadly that will pass to your son.

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I've been there dad. I'm glad you arrived at the right place. Just because I'm that very special sort of prick I have to do the following. Forgive me. >He'd cry as babies are want to do. In this context the word is wont, not want. https://www.google.com/search?q=define+wont&oq=define+wont&aqs=chrome..69i57.4230j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

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I'm a bot, *bleep*, *bloop*. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit: - [/r/bestofaltright] [being a father sucked and i hated my child so i started smoking weed and now it's all good](https://np.reddit.com/r/BestOfAltRight/comments/5k49n3/being_a_father_sucked_and_i_hated_my_child_so_i/) - [/r/milliondollarextreme] [being a father sucked and i hated my child so i started smoking weed and now it's all good](https://np.reddit.com/r/milliondollarextreme/comments/5k42ai/being_a_father_sucked_and_i_hated_my_child_so_i/) [](#footer)*^(If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads.) ^\([Info](/r/TotesMessenger) ^/ ^[Contact](/message/compose?to=/r/TotesMessenger))* [](#bot)

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without beating around the bush here. GROW THE FUCK UP YOU PRICK! you have a fucking responsibility now, a life that can't sustain itself without you or its mother, and mother needs looking after too. how could you ever reach a point where you look at your child and want to punch it in the head. you fucking monster. smoking weed in the house with baby there? are you fucking serious? seriously, get fucking real with the situation, you've had nine months to get your head around things and while I know it's not easy when they arrive (father of twin boys here) just imagine the poor fuckers living in a fucking war zone or third world country doing what you've got to do right now. it shouldn't have had to come to a weed induced epiphany for you to realise all that little baby wants is love. have a good Christmas, I'm sorry for the rant but if I knew you I would be grabbing your shoulders and screaming at you. peace and love.

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I would recommend a vasectomy as soon as possible. It sounds like one kid is all you will be able to deal with. That baby is now the priority in your house and if the hate comes back it could be worse. If that happens get help because that child has zero to do with how you feel but he could bear the brunt of it.

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daddit

The wide. Hahaha

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I never had the hate, but I was profoundly indifferent to my first boy. For that first three months or so, he was just a noisy, pooping annoyance. Then one day he laughed his first laugh. It was like a fever breaking or something. My heart instantly thawed. Seriously, it was like a cartoon, I was instantly in love with him. Six years later, we had our second son. This time, I still felt that total insistence, but it didn't worry me as much. I knew that there would be a moment where it would all get better. Sure enough, same thing happened. Just gotta hang in there, give it time, I guess. I'm glad you found something that worked for you.

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daddit

No one is an expert for their first child, it's a steep learning curve to be given this small human and tasked with keeping them alive. Example: I have a friend who is a pedriatician, she can do lots of baby stuff but didn't understand that my son was fussing because he was too hot. She checked his temperature he was cold based on her training... But my son hates being wrapped up. Anyway, it takes time to not resent this thing that takes up your entire life with no thanks.... Until they smile at you, look at you while they poo knowing you're the one to change their nappy or lift their arms for a hug when you come home from work. Keep it up, it gets better.

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daddit

I've a crippling fear of becoming an incompetent father one day, thanks for your story. It will help a lot one day I'm sure.

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[deleted] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0.1108 > [What is this?](https://pastebin.com/64GuVi2F/05809)

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I tried to summarize my feelings, although I can never say I felt anything near as extreme as you. https://medium.com/@smartereveryday/the-unspoken-selfish-fear-of-fatherhood-d5fa607fe6ba#.xp56exk2b

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Well done at dadding and also for your strength in admitting this. Similarly my wife had pnd, I had culture shock while also having a daughter who did NOT let me do a single thing without screaming and flailing. My wife is an experienced nursery nurse so compared to that I was a bumbling idiot - so overall I can completely relate to you and see your perspective. I also couldn't face coming home many evenings and just wanted to hop on a train in the opposite direction. Being a dad and husband when there's a lot of pressure, stress, and trial and error in those early months is HARD. It gets better, and I found it got easier to deal with after a year when baby moves more under their own steam and can communicate better. All my best and well done on sticking it out and finding your stride.

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daddit

So you're obviously early on, friend, so listen - it gets better, then when teething and sleep regressiom begins your son is going to stop sleeping again. Right now I've just finished eight straight days of going to bed at 3:30am, waking up at 5am when baby wakes up, then waking up for the day at 8am. I have never been more exhausted. My wife let me sleep in today and now Christmas is going to pale in comparison. So, with that in mind, please do these things. -Talk to your wife, explain that PPD plus exhaustion was fucking with you and have a game plan for next time it happens. It could be as simple as "I'll stay up late, you wake up early" or as complex as a nap schedule for you both. Just do something. -I've been sleeping on the couch during the day while my daughter snoozes in her swing. Get a spare duvet or a nice blanket if you don't already. That way you won't have to leave your son alone. -I say this all the time about "dark thoughts" but please understand they are normal when not acted upon. Everyone thinks about driving into incoming traffic. Same thing. -Finally, even though you were at the end of your tether, try to avoid drugs or alcohol. I really - and I mean *really* - love a good drink, and working as a bartender makes it really fucking tempting after a bad day of baby *and* work, but if I drink when baby stresses me out that'd be very selfish towards my wife. If you get that miserable again I really strongly suggest finding someone to talk to. A psychiatrist will not judge you for feeling how you feel.

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From the moment they're born, that baby comes out and you act excited. You hand out cigars. But, you don't feel anything, especially if you had a difficult childhood. You want to love them, but you...don't. And the fact that you're faking that feeling makes you wonder if your own father had the same problem. Then one day they get older and you see them do something and you feel that feeling that you were pretending to have. It feels like your heart is going to explode.

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The guardéd must become guardians at some point. Children lay bare your competency level: *they ~~need~~ require you to protect and nurture them*; they have no back up plan or fall-back position -- you are it. And for the majority of humanity? instinct kicks one-or-both parents in the pants and frank self-analysis ensues. Kudos for persisting and realizing room for growth. Sounds like you've graduated, too -- you are an honorary non-millenial now. Welcome to adulthood: it's fun only sometimes; and the cookies are laced with existential terror.

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> I was able to look to my expert - the wide - I'm not sure the woman who just had a baby wants to be called The Wide.

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Didn't hate any of my kids but it took a while before I started loving them so to say. Bonding takes time.

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babies in general are unpleasant and kinda suck imo

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[hm.](https://www.reddit.com/r/milliondollarextreme/comments/5k42ai/being_a_father_sucked_and_i_hated_my_child_so_i/dbldbik/)

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ITT: people who are grossly unaware of their own capacity for violence and general mental derangement, given the right set of stressors and/or the right biochemical cocktail. It's a little scary...

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daddit

Thanks for the honest and insightful post. I'm sure tons of people will read this and feel reassured by it. For anyone reading my comment, the best part about all of this is, like OP says, at about three months it gets better, and then it just keeps getting better and better. Nothing is as ridiculously heart warming as watching your little person crawl, then stand, and then walk. My little chap has just turned a year old, and it's all getting so much fun. One month in, you'd never have guessed. Keep it up, dudes.

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Be proud that you care, that's huge! You feel insecure because you want to be a good dad, it matters to you; and honestly, that's the only quality you need. My oldest turned 18 last week, my youngest is 7. Wanting to be good, caring about who they become, that alone makes you a quality father, all you need now is technique. Also, I never felt incredibly bonded to my infants, but 18-months to two years old becomes a game changer.

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Dads can have post partum depression/anxiety/psychosis too. I am in no way qualified or knowledgeable enough to make a diagnosis, but it is worth talking about. Thank you for sharing, and I am happy it turned out well for you and your family.

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Phew. That was a tough read. Keep trying man!