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I wish Shaq named his daughter Shaqira. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
why couldn't the imperial guard sniff out the money trail in skyrim? because of a deviated septim | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” | reddit/r/jokes(score=65) |
As a kid i was really mean to my kid brother, i once convinced him to swallow a torch.. It was worth it just to see his little face light up.. | reddit/r/jokes(score=21) |
I'm converting to Islam for my haram bae | Maximofn/short-jokes |
HOT older men in YOUR area... ...want to know if YOU have been playing with the thermostat! | reddit/r/jokes(score=90) |
{'question': 'Have you heard what happened to the italian cook', 'response': 'He pastaway'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers. What are the odds? | reddit/r/jokes(score=548) |
What did Helen Keller say when she jumped off a cliff? Nothing, she was wearing mittens. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I like my whiskey how I like my women... Fifteen years old and mixed up with coke. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A man is lying in a hospital bed. "Doctor, how long do I have to live?" asks the man. "10," replies the doctor. "10 what?" "9." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. But the Englishman wanted to leave so they all had to. | reddit/r/jokes(score=17) |
What do you call a zoo enclosure without any change? A nickeless cage. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A woman goes to the doctor... The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?" She responds, "Every time I sneeze, I orgasm" The doctor ask, "Are you taking anything for it?" "Yeah, pepper." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A human baby. oh my god, the responsibility of a human life. I'd watch it sleep, I'd you know. we've said how weak and vulnerable they are. it's like: oh my god, you perfect little thing. you, oh, flesh of my flesh, go to sleep in your expensive cot. oh, night, night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs. oh, dead, Yay,... | tiktok_standup |
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn't seem to be working | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I forgot to buy baking paper Looks like my cooking will be foiled again... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My cunt delivers babies. My cunt loves eating out. My cunt loves a good scissor, without a doubt. My cunt loves getting stuffed. My cunt loves cream pies. My cunt says you're welcome to always come inside. My cunt plays with drills. My cunt is Brazilian. My cunt is unique, One in a million. My cunt trains cocks. My cun... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': "What's a palindrome", 'response': "No it isn't"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Jerry was in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir." Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and sa... | reddit/r/jokes(score=45) |
Son: Mom! What's a gf? Mom: if you're a good boy, you'll get one when you're older. Son: What is I'm not a good boy? Mom: You'll get many. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the empty string do immoral things? Because it had no character. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'm very patient in the way that I can last 45 minutes trying to fix something before I have to pound the shit out of it with a hammer. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What if the weather talks about us? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why are there no Jewish Jedi family's? Because they have no force kin | reddit/r/jokes(score=234) |
A one armed man enters a store and asks: "Is this a second hand shop?" | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
Jesus dropped out of medical school. I hear he got nailed on the boards. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A seven year old girl goes to subway and orders a footlong Jared delivers | Maximofn/short-jokes |
There is uh bahadoktoper hodit no kliniskomovo fruto kruto ryanov znaita kumonai vashia per hodit no kliniskomovo lujem kivorit surjikom cherez vasros kumov nehi kivorit no kliniskomovo Nam srzhukomovnim kapezak vashko To hosha po khevanyi pocheli prehodat. if si domolishem ukrainskyi hovorim To zhivashko means srzhik ... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'Why did Billy eat a lightbulb', 'response': 'He wanted a light snack'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish? It's just pokemon... | reddit/r/jokes(score=32) |
Everytime I see someone with freckles.... I just have to say to myself, "Weird flecks... But okay." | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
What else do we not have in my hometown? Uh oh, old people who were wise, You know, like what? Like we had plenty of old people, but they weren't Like. you hear all the time about the wisdom of the elderly and I guess in a lot of places that's accurate, but in towns like mine the old people are the most wrong about eve... | tiktok_standup |
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He tried to drink tea before it was cool. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate... They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program. | reddit/r/jokes(score=510) |
{'question': 'I asked the phlebotomist to proofread my book report while I donated blood', 'response': 'She said I was typo negative'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
At the Apple store waiting for a snotty Genius Bar guy. Thinking about how a "crowbar" has nothing to do with crows either. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What does a footballer and a magician have in common ? Both do hat tricks ! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors? If they had 4 doors they'd be chicken sedans. | reddit/r/jokes(score=28) |
What do you get when you cross a Barbie Doll with the Pillsbury Doughboy Some rich know-it-all bitch with a yeast infection | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?! Him: "Nothing. I'm good." WHEN DO WE WANT IT? "Seriously, knock it off." I GOT A NEW BULLHORN! "I can see that.. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Damn girl, are you my accounting class? Because you really need more curves. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Want to know how to keep a fool in suspense? I’ll tell you tomorrow. | reddit/r/jokes(score=25) |
A husband caught the flu and stayed home and was being taken care of by his wife. . . | reddit/r/jokes(score=19) |
How do you call black guy that missed his train? Nigga, you racist! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Waiter: "I'm afraid your credit card has been declined." Me: "Try this one." W: "This is a blood donor card." M: "Take as much as you need." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You have to appreciate how badass those Chinese are... They made a language totally out of tattoo symbols. | reddit/r/jokes(score=25) |
Why shouldn't you take your clothes off while riding the elevator? It could get you an in descent exposure charge. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My grandad said us teenagers rely to much on technology So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support | reddit/r/jokes(score=17) |
I hated working at Starbucks, especially in the fall, because what comes out in the fall, That's right, the pumpkin spice latte, It's gonna be on debit. You never wanted to be working on the first day of the year when that came out, because do you know what's waiting for you on the other side of the door when you go to... | tiktok_standup |
What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache? A bad mood! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How old are you? Second row 19.. You're 19.. You look like a pixie. You're 19 years old. You would be a pedophile's dream, 19.. Sorry, you caught me very off guard. What is your name? Devon Devon, Devon, Devon. Okay, Gay, Really, I'm starting to think I'm magic dude. Like what if I'm just turning people gay? No, that's... | tiktok_standup |
How do you offend an African-American and Chinese person? Make a joke about brack people. | reddit/r/jokes(score=108) |
For the lady who was interested in the STD vaccine, we have it. May she speak now or forever hold herpes | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics. I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids. | reddit/r/jokes(score=34) |
When I was young, my dad gave me a 30 minute Power Point presentation on the importance of wearing a condom if I ever have sex. Turns out all the slides were just pictures of me. | reddit/r/jokes(score=63) |
Did you hear about the donut who split from his wife? She's terrible with the kids so he's filling for custody. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Forgot that I made a cup of coffee... now mass immigration has caused it to go cold. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Every truck is a food truck', 'response': "If you're a cannibal"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'Why did the cell phone wear glasses', 'response': "It lost all it's contacts"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
ER: Ma'am, are you allergic to any medications? Me: I'm not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I tried to take a photo of some fog', 'response': 'I mist:)'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Every time I walk into a store with my dad Worker: "Can I help you?" Dad: "No, he was born like that." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line. Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Two Fish are in a Tank', 'response': 'One says to the other Do you know how to drive this thing'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Sodomy has been goin on at the farm The pig squelled | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars? Because it's his only chance to open the door to Number 10! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Me: Whatcha doin? 7: a stupid math paper Me: why stupid? 7: Sally has 3,000 pennies; really Sally? Get a debit card! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What is Kanye West's least favorite holiday? Easter | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'm scared of π It's an irrational fear | reddit/r/jokes(score=428) |
When I say I go to the gym religiously, that usually means every christmas and easter. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Batman's Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I just got diagnosed with color blindness. I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange. | reddit/r/jokes(score=304) |
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway across | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Lord Nelson was about 5 ft 6 inches, and his statue measures 17 ft 4', 'response': 'That’s Horatio of about 3 to 1'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Your machine keeps getting stuck because your fucking leave is stuck, Your fucking part is gone. yo, Echelon, This is what you're done. Echelon, I say you sure, Alright. | tiktok_standup |
Why don't Canadians wear tank tops? They don't have the right to bare arms | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Got dadjoked by my 6 yr old daughter She is REALLY into sharks right now, and the other day she said Daddy, I sure am glad I'm a girl. I asked why. She said because sharks are man-eaters", 'response': 'Love that girl'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, "wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
about it. when I had, you know, people over at the house, like girls and stuff, I couldn't sing no worldly songs. they had to be spiritual or it had to be off a TV. so what I would do is I'd have a girl over, I would, I would switch it up, take a, a song off a TV and make it sound good enough to make love to, even if t... | tiktok_standup |
noah's google search history: "wat is arc" "why would god want circle segment" "arc or ark" "how many animals" "5,000,000 x 2" "is god real" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My wife just stormed into the kitchen, furious at how cheap and a penny pincher I’ve become. She’s in there now, tearing all the plates in half. | reddit/r/jokes(score=18) |
What do you call a Russian airliner that goes down over Egypt? Karma. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
For Sale: Parachute Never opened, slightly stained. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not even Joe King! | reddit/r/jokes(score=16) |
Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin. I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out. | reddit/r/jokes(score=4771) |
Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night. Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Pregnant by Jesus How come my wife never gets pregnant when Jesus screws her? Because she tells Him to come into her heart. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground Beef', 'response': 'This was one of the last jokes I heard from my grandfather before he passed'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
During the US Government shutdown, obviously the US Mail is still working... ...because people keep posting the same shit again and again. | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
Feudalism It's your count that votes. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
When I got my science degree I got a puppy because every scientist needs a lab. | reddit/r/jokes(score=97) |
And then one day you realize you're older and fatter than old fat Elvis. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
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