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{'question': 'Who made the round table for King Arthur', 'response': 'Cir Cumference'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'Why I dont put my cakes in the oven', 'response': "I find that they are batter if you don't bake them"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
My girlfriend walked in on me putting on a condom. She said, "What are you doing?" I said, "Wrapping your Christmas present!" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why do mathematicians like parks? Because of all the natural logs | reddit/r/jokes(score=57) |
Chinese people. what we gotta do. you did unlike we used to do. you did about like now are you fans of Bill Gates? you like that? I don't defend like a chance now, And that man is not welcome with us. | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'Why was the coffee bean sad', 'response': 'He was being roasted'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Why are men smarter while having sex? Because they're plugged into a know it all. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What’s the difference between stabbing a human and killing a hog One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
I'm just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I've been tanning I'm getting so dark I'm afraid of getting shot by the police | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the doctor give the Asari with an STD? Anti-biotics | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The Best Way to Enjoy a Good Wine is to First Open the Bottle and Allow it to Breathe. Then if it does not look like it is breathing, give it mouth to mouth. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009 | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone *guy with no legs throws rock* Jesus: Seriously? "You said 'without shins,' right?" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What kind of tree would a hipster be', 'response': "He'd be a tree before it was poplar"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
not a trump guy, but it's like you can admit it's kind of a sad day in the country when a president gets indicted. it's like what's happened to this country, like hush money used to fucking mean something. tell me, a president can't pay off a whore one time without getting arrested. what happened? this used to be a gre... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'What do you call 100 rabbits running away in single file', 'response': 'A receding hareline'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes.. There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise | reddit/r/jokes(score=368) |
If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed', 'response': 'That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I mixed redbull with my coffee... So, I mixed redbull with my coffee this morning, I got halfway to school and realized I forgot my car... | reddit/r/jokes(score=18) |
After college I tried really hard to get into Apple. | reddit/r/jokes(score=18) |
I hate when I'm in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume | Maximofn/short-jokes |
When a computer program says "Not Responding" I start texting it stuff like "Who are you with?" and "Just heard our song" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I like crickets They always laugh at my jokes. | reddit/r/jokes(score=48) |
I think that laziest animals must be the animals in the seas. There is Sawshark, Hammerheadshark, Electric eel. Still not a single one house completed. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles? He makes a swish! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Damn girl, are you the sun? Because looking directly at you hurts my eyes. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's worse than a baby stapled to a tree? A baby stapled to ten trees. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I said I need a gun. immediately The guy didn't answer any questions. He just grabbed a 12 gauge shotgun, handed it to him. I'd never even held a gun before. I'm not a dummy. I'm like I need some bullets too. And the guy reached under the counter, put two box shells on the counter. He said: all right, buddy, which box ... | tiktok_standup |
Dear NFL: Super Bowl. I'll just let them process this a little bit. They should do something by the time I'm up tomorrow. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Mariah Carey sounded horrible the other day. It was like a cannon went off in her throat. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer. Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition". | reddit/r/jokes(score=281) |
An artilleryman says what? What? Right. What? What. He says what. What? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I never thought, at 30 years old, I would be in position to feel ashamed, So this just came across my feed. I saw something similar a while back about a little girl that got sucker punched in the face by her father, And a brave man spoke about it and spread the word about it. Well, guess what? This shit needs to happen... | tiktok_standup |
Hello, I am crow. Would you like to give to charity? Caw caw caw caw ....... It's four good caws. | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
What did Adolf Hitler get his niece for her birthday? An easy bake oven. i don't give two shits if you heard this before or if this is a repost, this is mainly for shits and giggles =) | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? Three. Two to complain about it and one to light an organic scented candle. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "My friend dad joked me in the lab last night We meet up to work on our lab and when I got there I realized I hadn't eaten in almost 9 hours. Me: hey have you eaten yet. Him: *wide eyes and creepy voice* what do you mean. I've been eating my whole life. Me: really", 'response': 'Really'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine. | reddit/r/jokes(score=303) |
Two fish in a tank.. ...one says "you drive, I'll man the guns". | reddit/r/jokes(score=267) |
Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici meaning I came, I saw, I conquered. Which is probably useful for explaining why the strip club down the street now has the motto: Veni, vidi, veni. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'An electricians favorite customer is', 'response': "the one that's delighted"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
It could be worse An angel said to another angel who broke their halo that it could be worse. A rich man who was divorced from his wife said to himself that it could be worse. A mom told her son whose xbox broke told him it could be worse. A poor person who broke their arm said it could be worse. Two devils were down i... | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
So a baby seal walks into a club ... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What was the partially blind man’s reason for falling into a well? “I can’t see that well” | reddit/r/jokes(score=25) |
Sad news. The end of a one-legged man I know is afoot. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI. My wife assured me they wouldn't find anything. | reddit/r/jokes(score=25) |
my signature move is called "the Mouse," where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My friend broke one of his bones in a funny accident. It was humerus. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden? The average intelligence of both countries goes up. | reddit/r/jokes(score=1104) |
Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'My wife was giving birth to our first born, I cracked a joke to lighten the mood - everybody laughed', 'response': 'It was all about delivery'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn't notice... until they needed to wink at somebody. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
whats the difference between a girl and a bus? "What's the difference between a girl And a bus" "What?" "As more people that go in the bus the tighter it gets" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Knock, Knock Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? EEEEWWWWWW. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
No one wants to carry large windows around It's a pane in the glass | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
My Girlfriend says I never listen to her Or something like that | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the Russian math teacher get fired? Because communism is never the answer. | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front W:What one in front? *angry bees are just everywhere* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
So I tried to tell a friend of mine an Isis joke... but it was poorly executed | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Yo mama so old her social security number is 1! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Once Upon a Time in the West, a Bear Walked into a Saloon.. | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
The definition of passive aggressive is a girl tagging you in a FB photo where she looks good & you look like a bucket of shit. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What kind of tea does water make? Humiditea. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
"Give it to me!" she yelled "I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me now!" ... She could scream all she wanted. I was keeping the umbrella. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Damn girl, are you sandpaper? Because I want you to rub my wood. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth* *twists it around with her tongue* *pulls it out* *it spells "I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND"* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college | reddit/r/jokes(score=19) |
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run! | reddit/r/jokes(score=699) |
I don't like jokes about the Holocaust. My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell out of a guard tower. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
“Yes, I admit it, I wore blackface a few times. But cut me some slack.” “I was going through a dark period in my life” | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
What's the difference between a Donald Trump and Ellen Pao? Edit: Trump can ruin a business right. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a crying glass of wine? Tumblr | reddit/r/jokes(score=56) |
i did a lot of experimenting in my teen years. i knew that's what i'd have to do to become the caliber of scientist i am today | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately. “Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, ey... | reddit/r/jokes(score=125) |
Don't get uncomfortable. I love white people, man, Y'all my people too. It's just certain shit I can't do with y'all Like go drinking. Every time I do a show in front of white people. after the show y'all always want to hang out and buy me a drink. I can't drink with y'all. It's not that I don't want to, It's just I ca... | tiktok_standup |
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa? You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach. | reddit/r/jokes(score=510) |
I don't always have sex with star trek fans... but when I do, I prefer dos trekkies. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
NSFW: Sperm 1: God I'm getting tired! How long 'til we reach the fallopian tubes? Sperm 2: Still a long way to go..........We've only passed the tonsils. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My friend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I tried telling a joke about maize to my friend earlier today', 'response': 'But I decided not to, because it was too corny'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered. | reddit/r/jokes(score=19445) |
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If your good with grammar you'll get it. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
shaggy: hey scoob where's my burger scooby: ruh roh shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know scooby: ruck roo | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do Iraqi men do that gets them laid on the first date? They give their women awesome Dinar. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
But I tell that joke in my set for a while now and I told it one time and afterwards Seth Rogen heard me do it. I was like holy shit, Seth Rogen. And he came up to me. He was like oh my goodness, that was such an inspiring, motivating story. I have a podcast about inspiring stories. I would absolutely love if your mom ... | tiktok_standup |
How does Harry Potter do web design? Inspecto Elemento | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How many potatoes do you need to kill an irishman? Zero | reddit/r/jokes(score=18) |
I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today Never fired, dropped once | reddit/r/jokes(score=36) |
What kind of car does one drive in the fall season? An autumnobile. (I made this joke when I was a kid, but it’s OC, so...) | reddit/r/jokes(score=89) |
I wonder what my parents did for fun when they were younger... I don't know, I guess I'll go ask one of my 13 siblings... | reddit/r/jokes(score=23) |
Google won't replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Just pulled into the 'Expecting Mothers' parking spot at Walmart because I'm fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
LEONARDO DECAPRIO WINS AN OSCAR... ... oh wait, it's not a joke this time. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Eric Clapton Did you know Eric Clapton's son was a speed reader? Six stories in 2 seconds. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around teenagers. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why are the Chinese the best in the world at maths? Because under communism, everything is equal | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
What's the difference between a brothel and a circus? Your mother never ran away to join the circus. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
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